Oh, stop it. Oh, stop it. Oh, stop it. Okay. Okay.
Are you clapping for me, or is it because it's the birthday of my body double, Chris Hemsworth?
Oh, stop it.
Oh, stop it.
Oh, stop it.
Happy Monday, everyone. Bernie Sanders claimed that Kamala Harris was heavily influenced by wealthy people. So who were these wealthy people that influenced her? Well, there was Captain Morgan, Sam Adams, Paul Masson, Robert Mondavi, and of course, Bloody Mary. Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker called the Texas Democrats
who fled to avoid a vote on redistricting heroes, prompting the Dems to go into hiding, fearing Pritzker might eat them. A little play on words there. According to a new study, aging skin is rejuvenated by young blood and bone marrow,
which explains why the interns of a certain Congresswoman keep going missing.
Look at that face.
President Trump said the homeless population in DC must move out immediately. He promised to be careful though, because some people only look homeless. Podcaster Jennifer Welch suggested Trump voters should be banned from Mexican, Chinese, and Indian restaurants, as well as gay hairdressers and NBA games. Meanwhile, everybody agrees her face should be banned from places with good lighting.
Two blind passengers were left behind on a Southwest flight. Well, whose fault is that? Is it the airline or the blind person who says, I know I'll travel with another blind person? Meantime, the airline, the airline offered each woman a $100 travel voucher, or at least that's what they told him it was.
Oh!
Oh, I like that, I like that.
That's pretty good.
Finally, Kathy Griffin confirmed that she underwent a third facelift. This just in, it didn't work. You know, I can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Oh no, that's just her navel.
All right.
Get to the news. So last week I was a guest on the Tonight Show.
Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And like Rosie O'Donnell on a trampoline, it was a ton of fun. But the media reacted just as you'd expect with fake articles about backlash.
Buzzfeed gathered random posts from X to prove Fallon was taking flack for having me on. But that's journalism these days. Fake posts are news when you can find an opinion on anything you want there. Buzzfeed used to have influence.
Now it's simply three old guys waiting for their house cats to eat them.
Ugh.
One post says that Jimmy was normalizing the rights worst, like I was Hitler or worse, Liz Cheney.
Ooh.
The Daily Beast called my appearance a softball chat and that Jimmy fawned all over me. And here I thought the Daily Beast was what Joy Behar ordered every morning from the pig farm. New York mags Vulture accused Jimmy of kissing the conservative ring. Hell, I wasn't even wearing a ring. At least not on my finger. But this is all because Jimmy talked to me, which is what decent people do.
Hell, I have everyone on my show, Republicans, Democrats, comedians, and even guys who call themselves comedians.
Oh, wow.
But late night shows fawn over hundreds of liberal guests, yet having one right-leaning guest on sends them into a frenzy. But are people really turning on Fallon for having me on the show? Yes, in fact, people did turn on Fallon for having me on the show. Yes, in fact, people did turn on Fallon.
The Tonight Show's ratings jumped by double digit percentage when I was on.
With 60 to 80% increases in numerous categories.
True, I'm better for ratings than Sidney Sweeney in a blue jean thong.
Not that good.
Yeah.
Tonight's show had the highest number since November 2024, which had the NFL as a lead in. Maybe Kimmel and Colbert should get a lead in from the WNBA. So after you see the dildos on the court, you'll see them sitting behind the desk.
Ooh. Yes. dildos on the court, you'll see them sitting behind the desk.
But it's gotta hurt the haters. Instead of being outraged, though, maybe they should learn something. You don't have to villainize someone because they might talk to someone you don't like. I mean, maybe that's why people don't want to be around Democrats. It's why comedians and podcasts on the right do so well. Yet these dirtbags can only talk to themselves.
See, this isn't really about Fallon. It's about the media entertainment complex and its realization that it no longer matters. They're like those kids in high school who are no longer at the cool table. They just assumed they would always be the in crowd,
so they bullied and bullied until the crowd left them behind. They thought they were destined to be prom king, but now they're as popular as the nerd who gets stuffed into lockers.
Aw. Aw. Aw.
It's why they lash out. They become resentful after losing the attention they thought they deserved and assumed that they would always have. You know, they're like, they're like a hot chick who got old and no longer gets the love she once did.
But enough about Selena Gomez.
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
Ha ha!
And just like all bullies, they blame everybody but themselves. But the fact is, their world has flipped. They still believe that the progressive woke perspective is the default one and that I'm the anomaly. Nope, it's the reverse. And the proof is in the ratings. You've lost cachet everywhere. Colbert is gone.
Their biggest late night ally is spinning signs in front of a Pizza Hut. While the king of media, Howard Stern, has turned into an old queen. Once lauded, today's Dems are the butt of jokes. The only time they're on TV these days
is for comedic value. Liz Warren, Jasmine Crockett, Eric Swalwell, they give this show more than enough material. I should send them fruit baskets. But the last thing these gas bags need is more fiber in their diet.
Let's welcome tonight's guest. He looks like the valet who tells you that the dent was already there. Comedian Jeff Dye. He was born in Ukraine and drives midwits insane. Author of Not Sick of Winning, Michael Ballad.
Her baby only cries when he's hungry, sleepy, or watching Fox and Friends. New York Times bestselling author and Fox News contributor, Cat Tube. And his idea of a protein shake is throwing a cow into a wood chipper.
New York Times bestselling author, comedian, and former NWA world champion, Tyrus.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Tyrus, let's just get this over with, because you weren't here Friday.
No, I was sick.
So I need. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. No, I was first of all, I was extremely proud of you because what you did that night, especially for us three is the biggest insult they've had to our success is pretending like we don't
exist.
And what Greg did that night is they he forced acknowledgement. They have to recognize the elephant in the room. And it's not just me, but what I'm saying, they had to acknowledge it. And then what else would he do? He came there with a white flag. He didn't go there to embarrass him.
He didn't say, hey, hold on, let me check my show. I'm not there, and we're still beating you in the ratings.
OMG.
He didn't do any of that. He told a funny life story between the two of them, he plugged his show, and he left. There was nothing wrong with it, and it showed that people can come together from different sides because that conversation happens more in this country than the other one.
Well, I don't like you, you're a man bun. I hate the fact you drive a truck. That stuff doesn't happen. That's what happened. But for me, the part, and I watched it from my hotel room, I'm sick, and I had one of the biggest laughs
that I have had in a long time. For no other reason is because no one else ever notices but me, but Greg has a move when he gets locked in and excited. Do we have the clip? Okay, play the clip.
Watch Greg's feet.
Dude, dude, there was the bar, there was no bar. It was a cooler.
All right, instant replay, one more time. But I was very proud of what you did. You told a fun story and the fact that you had, I would, what, 25 people on X who complained about it. There was a million more people watching the Tonight Show. Don't do it anymore.
What do you say, Jeff? You're a comedian. Are you surprised that like the remaining media had to make this into some kind of negative thing?
I didn't know that it was even backlash about it, but I thought it was fantastic. Like one, you were great on there. He was great and charming.
Oh, you know what I'm saying?
Seriously, you were great on there. He was great and charming. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Seriously, you did great. But also, it's like, that's what we should be doing.
Yes.
Like, we should be having people, having these conversations, because everyone always thinks they're in the middle. Everyone believes they're the middle. My most extreme right friends, my most extreme left happen is like,
you're a human being, despite what people tweet about you. And so is Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon's a good guy. But if you were at Jimmy Kimmel's house, you'd like him. We need to start having those conversations
and being like, we're people in the same country
and we should be talking about these things. If I was in Jimmy Kimmel's house, I would poop in the living room. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's a disorder that I have. It's not because of him.
I just feel like we're villainizing both and there's a lot to be worked out that we could do and you did it great on The Tonight Show.
It's true. Thank you so much. You know, Michael, do you think? Michael, do you think that I should have talked about politics? Do you think we should have talked about politics at all?
Oh, no, not at all. I think you played it very smartly because the whole idea is people who are right of center are basically subhuman and should never be discussed. So when you show up and it's a normal munchkin, it's like, okay, how am I going to be threatened by this person? And I'll point something else out.
This was a small window. In 92, it was a big deal that Bill Clinton went in our senior hall. And then for a few decades, people from both parties would be on all the shows, and no one thought anything of it. Then in 2015, HuffPo tried to put Trump
in the entertainment section because they said, we're not going to validate this guy. Well, you know what? We don't need your validation. He became president. Yeah. So their attempts to build these moats about what you can watch and what you can't, like on the view, the person furthest to the right still hates Trump.
It's this complete synthetic reality that's very hard to maintain when people have an internet. So they're scared because for them you're basically an infection.
Yes. Like they're trying to sterilize their space and now you're in there and they don't know where to go. I love that calling me an infection is a compliment. And a monster.
And a fact.
Yeah.
And a diagnosis. Kat, am I an infection?
Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure.
At least a bacteria.
I'm a virus.
What do you think about, you know what sucks is I'm a virus.
What do you think about, you know what sucks is I'm a hypocrite with these stories. I think they're worthless. The stories where they just find three tweets. I still will cite them because then I get a story out of it.
Because then you had a monologue topic. It was the weekend. You know what it was going to be. And you're like, all right, cool. Five tweets enough for me. But it's also the people who tweet this, most people aren't gonna tweet at all. Most people who see something,
they're like, oh, I didn't love that, and then they just move on with their lives. The people who actually went so far as to be like, that's it, Jim, I'm never watching again, this show is too important to you, you absolutely are watching again.
Yeah. watching again. It is obviously not working, right? It's not working to not engage with people who are not, like you said, even being like, oh I'm a conservative but I still hate Trump. Somebody who actually supports Trump, which is a lot of Americans, and not having these people talk to you doesn't mean that these people don't exist. There's a lot more people outside of the bubble. So I thought the fact that you didn't talk about politics at all too, like I said on Friday,
when apparently now you need me to tell you that you did a good job for the third time. So good job, Greg. He did such a great job. Greg did such a great job, right?
Let him have it.
Yeah, great job.
Yeah, let him have it. It wasn't spectacular. and stuff we've never heard before. He was just normal. In a time when they present the right as abnormal, he was just a regular guy.
Yeah. Exactly, just a guy hanging out, and I'm sure that they probably expected, because some of these people who have this opinion probably don't know that they've never met a Trump supporter in real life.
They absolutely have, everyone has.
But they just, the people who are like, oh, I better not tell that. They were in the audience. I mean, they were in the hallways. Of course.
All the security, you know. Did you get a lot of like, hey, like.
Yes.
Of course.
Yeah, of course. From a Jonas brother, and I won't say which one.
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah.
We pinky swore in the hotel hot tub.
I will say this again. I think it was a very positive thing for the culture.
Yes, very positive. Culture, infection. Positive.
Positive.
Yeah.
I feel like I'm in one of those late night medical commercials. late night medical commercials. Okay, up next, Jimmy Kimmel's BS.
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