RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7 Ep 3: "ShakesQueer, Sewing, & Excuses" with Trixie and Katya

Do you know that my new thing is to buy myself makeup on TikTok shop while I'm high? And then when it comes, I think it's PR. I'm like, I've been gifted. And then I look, check my email. Oh, there's a receipt.

Lamborghini Diablo.

So what were you going to say? Remember when my house was filled with dangerous black mold?

Oh yeah.

Today, I'm so proud to say that is not the case. And not only that, my bathroom is so fucking cunty. And you know what I did in my bathroom yesterday? I had fucking sex with a man. Can't you wait till you get off the john? Mary, my shower is so sexually active and encouraging.

A rando or like a person? No, no, a person I know. We saw the Wes Anderson movie, the Phoenician something. How was it? Fabulous. Love it. It's the Phoenician chronic?

No, it's the Phoenician... It's like situation or something like that. Yeah. Great. Michael Cera is fucking hysterical.

Love him.

He's hysterical. He's so, so good. Highly recommend it. I mean, I love Wes Anderson's movies. Yeah. I've never seen one, I don't think. Are you fucking kidding me?

No.

Oh, shit. We're going to get you on that gig. It's Big Lebowski, right? No, that's the Coen Brothers. It's Royal Tenenbaums. Yes. I've never seen it. Okay, I'm going to give you three that you're going to adore. Which would I start with?

I would start with the Royal Tenenbaums. And then I would say you should watch French Dispatch maybe? Wasn't there one last year too? There's like every other, yeah, yeah, French Dispatch. tagged the Trixie Motel as like accidentally Wes Anderson. Wes Anderson? They're wrong. That's because of the color and the structure.

Well, yeah, he has a very like stylized point of view visually that's very identifiable. It's like, but sometimes it ventures into like cutesy rather than like quirky, whatever. But it's a great movie. Lovely length, by the way.

About a hundred minutes.

That's perfect.

I know.

It's fucking perfect. And we were kind of being gross. We were like one of maybe six people in the theater. I was feeling up his dick. In the movie theater? Yeah. I was feeling up on his dick. Did he know? Yeah. He he he enjoyed it. And then we went to make it. He went to I showed him my new house and then or the new whatever. We went into that shower a got sexual so that red light special black light actually no it's not black but it's all black and white it was it's so easy to have sex in there it's cunty right huge

bench fits five people she gets scared of slipping in the shower no because I intentionally designed the floor to be non-slip good for you thank you you know I'm really happy because I remember a time just a few months ago when this was like the bane of your life. It was horrible. Not to be dramatic, but it really sucked.

It really fucking sucked. It was un-fucking-pleasant. It was tough. And it was hard to see. Also, it must have been annoying for you. No, it wasn't annoying for me. I felt for you because I could tell you were just in a... It's a lot of tough situations.

When it comes to your home, where you actually go to es... When you can't go home to escape a tough situation, that sucks. Yeah, it does suck. And Vanderpump told me that your home was your sanctuary. And I do think there's some truth to that. Mary, my home has always been my sanctuary. And talk to my parents. Talk to my parents. They allowed us, there was like,

you know what human rights, like, we, privacy was the one that was, it was like sacred in our home. We were very lucky. We had like a middle class.

How many bathrooms did you have?

Two.

Oh, me?

And your home growing up?

Oh, one and a half. Five people. We had one shower for five people. Yeah. It's intense. But I had, for the latter, for high school, I mean, I shared a room with my brother most of my life, but then I had my own room for like three years.

Sanctuary, mama. Sanctuary. Parents would not walk in the door. They would knock. Nobody would walk into anybody's door. Like it was like, you respect their personal space. And that was very, very... I think that's nice. Like in, uh, there's a film called Freaky Friday

with Lindsay Lohan and, um... Jamie Lee Kermis. Jamie Lee Kermis. Thank you immediately for saying that. And there's a part where she takes her door to punish her. I would never do that. Take a teenager's door. I'd move out. What do I watch my kid jerk it? I would take that door, go in the ocean and die like in the Titanic.

In the Titanic. I'm really happy for you. Everything's turning around. I can't wait for you to see this bathroom.

We have never been invited over.

Well, cause it's not done. But mama, I am so proud of this bathroom. It is very difficult to design stuff. I have no experience doing it. And I ate this bathroom up. And obviously, with the expert skill of these motherfucking workers, especially the tile guys,

they yanked that shit right off.

Yes.

Yanked it. And the pressure, I don't know where she's coming from. Skin ripped off. I don't know, I got three different options. I got the waterfall, the thing, and then the hose. The pressure is out of control. She was never like that before. She stepped her pussy up. She said, this bathroom is cut and I'm going

to give you all my money. I'm going to give you all my money. By the way, give it up for this amazing shirt. It's a Morphine tweet that says literally fuck Trixie Mattel. It is shades of Tempest. Fuck Trixie. Fuck Trixie. You can get this on my website with the blessing of morphine. I was like, can I put your tweet on shirt? She said, yeah. And you get this holloping disco shirt too. This is really fun. I like this picture. Shut up. So can I talk about, we're about to endure. Yes. Shakespeare.

Mama. Are you, have you done your Kegels and your emotional preparation? I'll do you one better. I got a voice note. Oh my God. From who? I got in touch with the person, the challenge producer, who thought of it. The person, the cunt responsible and the dicks that did this to me.

No, Todd Masterson. No, Todd! Todd Masterson said... That fucker. It's that Tilo Todd, Todd from the pod. Yeah, he's lovely.

Todd reached out because we had said this week that we were going to be doing this. And Todd reached out and I, you know, I'm asking for voice notes and I am okay with people saying no, but Todd said, Hey, I'm just watching the pod. Did I ever tell you Shakespeare was my challenge? It was my bad, but great TV. He said 48 years later and people still talk about it.

And I said, well, would you feel comfortable sending a voice note? We're trying to process the trauma. And they sent one I haven't even heard yet. So let's fucking hear it.

Hi, long time listener, first time caller. So, I was one of the challenge producers on season seven. And Shakespeare is my fault, I guess. But like, I didn't name it or write the scripts. They have a writing team that does all the words for stuff. But I pitched it so last minute. Like, you know when you're pitching stuff like that

in the very early stages of the process?

We don't.

No.

You literally just pitch every thought that comes into your brain, and then you let the executives put it all together. Like, in those first meetings, you literally just spew out the dumbest panic thoughts. Like, spaghetti wrestling, or like,

what if we do fear factor and they have to eat spiders? Like it's so dumb and chaotic. And you just pitch till you can't think anymore. You run out of ideas. But I pitched it as just doing Shakespeare set in the RuPauliverse.

And then the producers decided on writing original scripts. Like I was going for a Baz Luhrmann thing and they went Saturday Night Live with it. But I think it turned out so funny because it was so bad. Like Pearl and Jasmine and even Violet

were so bad in McBitch that they almost swung back into being good. Like it all felt very Muppet-y. Like Pearl literally moved her body like a Muppet. Like when you watch it, it's so Muppets. I think it turned into this hilarious thing

kind of by accident. I don't know about that. People always love to say that season seven was so bad directly to my face, which is weird, thank you. But honestly, I think it's become the most iconic season ever. Has any other season produced so many mega stars?

No.

Like, think about it.

Almost the entire cast of seven is still booked and blessed and super famous. Boop.

That's true.

My pitch for the next All Stars reboot is to bring back just the entire cast of seven and do another season with you guys. I would do it. You'd be in a heart wish. Are you kidding me?

You know Ginger would do it?

Oh, I absolutely would.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

You know Ginger would do it? Of course she would. Not him saying, you know Ginger would do it. Excuse me. Hold on a second.

Could I say... Someone, someone, uh...

Someone hold my wig because if I could get three more months of preparation than everybody else and about a hundred thousand more dollars than everybody else, mama, I'd walk into that fucking workroom insufferable. I would do, can I be honest? I would do it for not even that much money if it was actually season seven. Yeah. And it would be so fun. Same challenges again. I just want the same challenges again.

Like I just want to do it again like an obstacle course.

Imagine if I bombed to Glamazonian Airways again.

Love!

That would be amazing!

Love!

That would be incredible. I also think we should have the same elimination, same lip sync. We should do it like a play. That would be fabulous. Me and Pearl in the bottom. Just do, we could do it in three days. No one talked, we just bam, three episodes a day.

We'd have to have all outfits made. Yeah.

I want the same outfit.

I want the same fucking outfit.

I'm gonna wear that old makeup.

My black wig.

Girl.

Get my $35 black wig.

Would you guys gag for us to just reenact season seven? It would be like- like historical reenactment. Oh my God. All the confessionals are silhouettes. Oh, we all do. Um, Oh, like a CGI anti-aging. I have a full head of hair. Polar Express units. We have to wear units. Do it like uncanny valley. Of course. Filters. Like Jeff Bridges and Tron. Girl, I would love to do season seven just again. That would be funny. That would be very funny. Also, we never got to wear white, remember?

That's right. We had an all-white look. We had a white category we never got to wear. Okay, let's get into it. So, this is episode three. So, we start off with Jasmine. Tired-ass, horse-faced Violet. Slim up and down, pole body. Panties, bitch. I also like that they're... Cover that ass up.

This is the beginning of factions forming in this season. This season is young versus old, which is weird because fame's not that young. No, fame is my age, essentially. And a lot of people in the old are not old.

Right.

So, it's 21 or not 21.

Yeah.

That's really what the age gap is. It's more like... The old lady brigade is 33 year olds. It's more like performers versus models. Well, obviously then I'm in the right group

because I was in the model group.

I don't know about that.

There was one clip of a... There's one clip of Jasmine going, all these young skinny fashion girls, fame, Violet, Trixie, and I was watching it and I was like... I was like... The way my clothes or my body, hair or makeup, does not touch them, but me being grouped in, I was like...

It's so funny. The old versus young thing is like a major theme this season that honestly in real time I did not feel. But I guess in the story room, that maybe popped out. I never have any memories of old versus young. I didn't either, because I got along with everybody.

Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're both very Switzerland. I didn't feel like... First of all, Violet and Fame and Pearl didn't claim me. They weren't like anybody. Pearl didn't like anybody, girl.

Fame was up her own ass.

This is the beginning of truly exposing that there are some deeply unhappy individuals in this competition. I'm not saying they're unhappy in general. I'm just saying, I think Bob the Drag Queen is an example of somebody where competition

brings out the best in them. I think the fames, the Violets, me, some of us, we're not better in competition. I shrink, I recede, I underperform. Buckled. Yeah, I underperform. I'm not my best when it's competitive. And then, you know, fame is kind of an anxiety ball.

Violet is unable to make a friend. Unwilling. At this point. Unable, unwilling, can, uh, anti-social personality disorder. Completely, because, and by the way, I, it took me years to get to a place with Violet where I think we are friends. It may be one-sided, but I think we are. Also, even like, even, you could be complimenting her and she would just reject it. Completely. I worship at the feet of Violet,

and I dream that she's my friend, but I don't know if that will ever... I don't think she is. That chat will ever cash. We're at dinner, our once a year dinner.

Yeah.

Why am I wearing a golfer hat and a pug print shirt? We don't know. Where did Jazz and Masters get a loaf of bread? So... That was a fun challenge. I like that mini challenge. It loosened us up. So the mini challenge is, Paul wants us to do Soul Train, but dressed as grannies. Pearl looks amazing. She's giving a lane stretch with Bon Iver. There's some granny chasers up in here.

It's... So we're all doing a Soul Train as old people. I love my makeup. You look great. Look so good. I love this makeup. Old Lady Dr Drag is fun. Fun. Super, super fun. And then Kennedy, who's perfected the Old Lady walk. Well, that's her walk. That's her. I mean, she walks like both hips are slipped out of her.

This food nasty. This food nasty. Jasmine has a loaf of bread. Groceries. Do you know why she had a loaf of bread? She brought her own food to Drag Race. She brought her own sauces. She told me the girls from LA told me that when you go to drag race, the food is bad. So Jasmine brought fucking groceries. Jasmine was said, Oh, drag race called. I got to stop by trader Joe's. You know, I'm bringing my air fryer to this season seven recap. I'm bringing that little ninja ninja fucks me up. I'm gonna put some loose change

in there. Eat it up. So we're doing soul training was really fun. I love these type of mini challenges that are pointless and crazy. It's just fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not like. It makes me think of an all-stars.

Remember when you guys did the golfing? Yes, well, you know what? It was funny though. That sucked because we were so bad. It took forever. Right.

You know what was the best one? The telenovela one in season five where they had to cry. That was so weird and fun. I wish we got to do that. You would do a good job at crying. Yeah, I would. Explain your Soul Train look because I forgot about how good your Soul Train look is.

This wig, I had this wig. Okay, this wig is like, ugh. This wig is from Dorothy's Boutique. It is a center part. It's actually quite expensive. It is a wet look. It was expensive.

Excuse me, what's that face? It's, it is a long two-tone. It's at my expense. Swamp water for most of it, and then a good like two inches of blonde. And it's hard, wet.

Perm.

Perm.

Noodle perm.

It's ramen. Ramen. Ramen, essentially, it's a swamp water blonde ramen. It is so disgusting.

Do you remember that you super glued the cigarette to your lip?

I don't actually, that's fierce. That's fierce. At the time I said, how'd you get the cigarette? And you said you super glued it to your lip. That's so fierce, I love it. But, um, fun fact. Which, by the way, you still live like that for a long time.

Yeah, I know.

Cigarette glued to the lip. But that wig is from my an alter ego show at Perestroika where I was a character called Bumpy Bullet.

Bumpy Bullet.

Isn't that great?

Let's take a breath.

Let's take a break.

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I loved your soul train. Look, it was a cigarette. The glasses also. Yeah. It was just, it was fun. That whole thing was so fun. I love that. And you know, RuPaul loves like stupid old lady, shitty costumes. I mean, look at her Instagram, look at her Tik Tok. The Annie, you got to look at her Instagram, look at her TikTok. You gotta look at her Instagram now because or not now, whenever this airs, like her Annie running barefoot in a parking

lot for about a half a mile. Oh yeah. It's so good. It's really fierce. It's so good. Um, I, okay. So then we get into the challenge. Shake, squeal, you, Violet gets picked last again, even though she is so good in the challenges. Doesn't matter because what's happening behind the scenes and when the cameras aren't necessarily rolling is she continues to be an a surly, irascible bitch. And she's so talented, but like friends, she has none.

Like she is not yet close to anyone. No, she's giving, it's giving, it's giving, um, what is it called? A BP. But me watching, now that giving, it's giving, um, what is it called? A BP.

But me watching...

Or BPD? Yeah.

Now that it's been 10 years, me watching, I'm like... Borderline personality disorder. Oh. Yeah. Now watching all these years later, I'm watching going, she's one of the strongest competitors. Why? It's weird that she gets picked last because she's, she's good drag queen.

She's 22. She's 21. I think she auditioned at 20. You know what I was doing at 21? I was sucking my mama's titties. Breastfeeding.

Yeah.

So, then we get to the two, this is Shakespeare. It's like the bitch who stole. No, it's Romeo and... It's Romeo and Juliet.

And McBitch. McBitch.

McBitch. I receive... Max is my team leader, which is great. She's been British for days. This is kind of perfect, right? She's been British since she got here.

Woke up British. So she picks... Katherine Hepburn. I think she's. She's got a transatlantic thing going on. Yes.

Oh, this challenge is right up my alley.

I'm going to let the girls know that I've got it out then because I'm an actress.

I don't know. Fetch my golf clubs. Here we go. So I'm in, we're in separate groups. I'm in Romy and Juliet. Julietta. stellar group compared to the other. And you did good. I did okay. I had a comp... I had the part you don't want in a group,

which is the narrator. It's a dumb part.

It's, yeah.

Can I tell you my aspirations at the beginning of this competition? I think I was so delusional that I thought I'd be there the whole time. So I thought, it's okay to just pick an easy part at the beginning. I It was four lines. Wow. I was clinging from episode three on.

I was like fingernails on the ledge. Obviously, I was delusional because I go home next. But I was still at a point where I was like, yeah, give me the part with two lines. I don't care if I blend in. Because to me, I'm going to win the next five challenges.

I just thought there and I can't explain that outfit. Max borrowed me that gray wig. Oh, you looked kind of bad. Yeah, it's a blue renaissance. But don't you remember this? We were told in our list of runway looks

to bring a Shakespeare look. We all brought runway looks.

So, then it comes out to be a Shakespeare look. We all brought runway looks. So then it comes out

to be a shitty comedy challenge.

And Mary, me and Violet's outfits turned out to be reveals. It's not a reveal outfit. Like my reveal was so clunky and labored because it wasn't a reveal outfit. Like it was unfair. Anyways. So, here's what I'll tell you that I remember. I remember my group doing their thing. I don't remember anything about doing this. This is what I remember out Shakespeare because again,

I didn't get to watch you guys. So your trauma is not my trauma. Your tea is valid. Your your your tea is valid. I remember Pearl walking in. I think our group went first.

Yeah, Pearl walked in after hers and I go, how was it? And she takes off her wig and she goes,

I'm lip syncing.

I remember thinking, there's no way you guys were that bad.

And then when I watched it...

So, here's the thing about scripted challenges, I think, in general, and in this case in particular especially, they are rotten. Performed by, let's say, fucking Jane Krakowski couldn't make this funny. Do you know what I mean? Like Tina Fey couldn't make this funny. Like it's just not funny. It's bad.

Yeah. Charlie Hydes could make it funny. Yeah. Like nobody could make this funny. Like, it's just not funny. It's bad. Yeah. Charlie Hides could make it funny. Yeah. Like, nobody could make this funny. Meg Stalter couldn't even fucking wear this material. She could.

She would ad-lib.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? So, it's just bad. So, there's that. Plus, the fact that we're not good actors, none of us. And Kennedy's a horrible team leader. We just go off on our own to like. Excuse me. First there's two parts and then they switch it.

They switch, yeah.

Because Violet is gonna play Vesquisha. Vesquisha? Vesquisha and Kennedy turns to Violet and says, I need you to be more ghetto. I mean this is TV from a long time ago. So what you saw, the awkwardness, the terror, it was worse.

It was so much worse than what you see on television. Because of course, this is over the course of like 45 minutes.

Yes.

And this is... It is a train wreck. I am mid to middling forgettable. I'm absolutely forgettable. But you know what I'm thinking?

Oh, thank God I'm not going home.

Right.

Because everybody sucks so bad. And I'm like C, like a level.

But you're the best in the group.

But I'm not, but forgettable.

Right.

Like, I mean, we are all bad. It's just varying shades of, it's from forgettable to preposterous. But that's how I was too. Like in my group, I think Max and I believe it's Max and Ginger in love, right? Max and Ginger in love and it's Romeo and Juliet, they die, whatever. And my note watching this was I'm just not in it, which means I either did nothing wrong and nothing good. Same.

Same. Mary, same. I'm a set piece. I'm not even in it. Girl, I'm not even in it. I think I maybe do one line and I die. And I struggle to take off my skirt.

They pan away from me.

Yeah.

It's bad. It was like, it was very forgettable. But girl, poor Jasmine. This was hard. This was like, because it was just... Poor Jasmine. Yeah. It was like, it was never like asking a person to rock climb with no legs. Like it was like, it's not going to happen.

Well, first of all, they're not funny lines. But second of all, they're written to pretend to be heightened language, which syntax wise is all mixed up. It's not a normal sentence. And also, it's not great. It's like they don't try to do iambic pentameter or whatever the fuck. It's like, it could have been more Shakespearean. Because even if Michelle explains the line, Laquisha Kiana, and it still doesn't sound good. Correct? Do you know what I mean?

No, totally. And then in my group, you have Jaden, who hits a wall. She's messing up the words and Jayden starts crying. And you guys, if you guys could meet Jayden Dura-Fierce. Oh, she's the most lovely person in the world. That's one of the maybe last person you want to see cry. Because she is so, like, too fucking nice. She is so sweet and she starts crying. And I remember her going, I just want this so bad.

And then Max, a good team leader, bends down because Max is six feet taller than her. Max gets on her knees, gets eye level and goes, it's okay, you're gonna get it. You're doing great. And then she does do great. Like, Max actually leads her to not be in the bottom. He was so cunty in that episode.

I mean, she really gets in there and helps her team. And on your team, there really was no shepherding. No, Kennedy was like, go figure it out. And by the way, Kennedy can read the phone book and make it funny. Kennedy couldn't make that funny. Nobody did any. No, I thought Pearl. Kennedy had glasses on. I thought Pearl was amazing. Like I, she was unintentionally hilarious. Her hitting her head. She bumped it. She bumped

and then ducks and looks at it. She, cheerleader tryouts. She was like, Hey, cheerleader tryouts happen today. Yeah. It's just a wild. It also her outfit. Like I know she was supposed to be kind of, um, like a night female gym teacher, perhaps a little lesbian. You know what I mean? I thought the suggested was that it was a,

a lot of the drag race comedy challenges have one female character who's like, Hey, the DL. Yeah. The, um, the Leah Delaria of the skit. Yes. And I thought she was trying to do that, but really all there was was a unibrow. I don't remember. There's a unibrow. She was like, Hey, oh no, she was like tragic. I thought she was funny and I thought she was funny. I mean, it was bad, but at least it was funny bad. This, it was not comfortable. It was really, really bad to have to endure.

Yeah, can we play a part of it?

Mm-hmm.

Here in Tuckahoe, it's the season of the witch.

But no, no, no, shady ass lady make bitch.

Friends, drag queens, hunty men. I got something to say. Cheerleading tryouts are happening today.

But honestly, now I love it. I think Pearl's great in this. I really do. Now I love it. Like, it's not good, but it is good. And this is Jasmine.

Watch out, sisters. I'm the real prima donna. Hair cheerleader is going to be me. Laquisha,

Kiana. That's right. Girl, not on tonight. This is so not your gig. I'm Lady McBitch, and you're a pig in a wig. Hey, Hogwarts rejects. What's your prediction? If I'm not hair cheerleader, it's truly fan fiction. The spirits have spoken. I'm not even in it.

No, no, I think you eventually...

Oh, here's another Pearl part.

We gotta just see Pearl.

Your engines may the best tuckahoe win!

Oh, your reveal was just so bad. It looked like someone pantsed you. Clunky. Cause it's not a reveal outfit. And the outfit underneath it is not better. Mary, it's not a reveal.

It's just the outfit.

It's not a reveal.

Oh, sisters, I'm stressed. If I don't win, I may die.

Try this. It'll help.

That is really something.

I have one shitty line that is so forgettable, and then I drop dead. Yeah. Talk about disappearing into the dark. In a world of charisma, uniqueness, talent, and nerve, two rival drag houses gonna get on they swerve. Damn. What do you do? That did not sound like you at the beginning whatsoever. I don't think much of it sounded like me. Damn, shit, fuck, wow.

Look, we shook, I mean, oh. It's, it's. Now, of course, it is edited to enhance the awkwardness. They include dead air, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, they include the dead air in the final edit,

which of course you wouldn't be doing if you were trying to make it look as good as possible. Yeah. If yourself banished, if you hang with this flue,

what did you say? RuPaul-ogize trolls?

Calm down, Beyoncé, or I'll clock those back.

Everything about this is so bad. Everything about this is bad. It's bad. It is like, you know, RuPaul was like, she literally goes like this. This is where Michelle says, cue the snipers.

She wants you all to be shot.

Yeah, she's like, you're so bad, you should be dead. It's assassinated. Completely assassinated. The set was whatever, the script wasn't funny. And honestly, the Shakespeare rhythm of it made the jokes not permissible to the ear.

I didn't get it at all.

No, and also it's all delivered at a low... There was no rhythm. It was just really fucking bad. It was really fucking bad. It was really fucking bad. And then it was... Thank God. I think that the success of this episode is that it was so bad. Otherwise, imagine if we just killed it, it would have been so fucking boring. It's really bad. Because it would not have been funny.

It's not funny now. I mean, it's really tough. No, you know what I mean? Even if it was performed well, that material would not be funny.

Yeah, it's dramatic.

There'd be no drama there. The episode would be flat as hell. Did you know you knew you guys were in the bottom without seeing ours? Yes. It was. I mean, RuPaul was saying in the seven years of doing, in the seven seasons of doing this show, I have never seen a car crash like this. And she said more like that. She was like, this is the worst thing I've ever seen in my whole life as a group. It was like, not exactly encouraging words. But like Kennedy, for example, Kennedy excels anytime there's a character.

Yeah.

So you're telling me that it's Kennedy's fault this isn't funny? I don't believe it. You know? No, team leader. It's Ginger's fault this isn't funny? Like... Team leader. I guess. Oh, yeah, because she lip syncs.

Because no leadership. Kennedy has to lip sync in this. Against Jasmine, yeah. No leadership. And I think it was... That's... Yeah, it was tough. Also, her bearded... I think that's unfair. I don't know.

Well, her bearded runway was fucking awful. Kennedy's... Oh, yeah. It was the worst beard on the... Well, Jasmine and her had the... To be honest, I think we're going to get to the runways. Can we go to the runways? Okay, so this was like, again, this is all edited. This was 45 minutes of this.

Right.

So my heart broke for Jasmine because it was painful.

Right.

Like she just couldn't get it. And trying like 10, 12 times.

Yeah.

And like when you can't get it, I don't know if you have ever experienced that. We're like... And like when you can't get it, I don't know if you have ever experienced that where like… Oh, it gets worse. It gets worse. You need to take a break.

Yeah.

And you need to take 15 minutes or something. I think any creative person will tell you sometimes just taking a lap, you come back

and you can do it.

Yes. Absolutely. I would go outside, have a cigarette, and then like take a beat and then you can just kind of start again. Yes. It's out. That was not... You were on the spot. Smoking was a huge part of season seven of Drag Race. So, I came into Drag Race a non-smoker.

I had quit for a year and a half. Immediately started smoking because of the stress.

Well, Ginger can throw him back.

Yeah, she was.

At the time... I went out with her probably the second day. I was like, Mary, I got to do this. And thank God because me, Pearl and Ginger became friends that way. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. If you're like me and we're also deep in rural New Mexico on a summer llama riding retreat when a rogue alpaca named Cinnamon nibbled your aura so intensely you forgot time and space

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at audible.com slash bald. I was shocked with this runway because the bearded runway, I remembered being better. Whoa. It is a dog show for the most part. Let's get into it. I think there are some strong ones. I love pearls. The red beard

was so cool.

Super creative. And also on the fly, she came up with that the morning. She came in and cut the little red pieces up and glued it on her face that day. She had no bearded runway planned. Also we had, we had, was it Kat Dennings and Mel B?

Yes.

Yeah.

Mel B. Now this is something I'm pretty, and I've said this a million times, I know, but I will always cherish hearing this from Mel B to Violet. Your hair and your beard, they're just ugly. I fucking ate, they didn't like her.

I loved Violet's runway.

I thought it was exquisite.

But Violet had this really cool,

like going to homecoming. It was a Dior, like classic 50s silhouette. Gorgeous. And I loved her beard, she looked so pretty. Mel B was not eating any of it. I don't think Violet misses on the runway this whole season. Not once.

Uh...

I really don't think so. What was the previous one? What was the... Where was her glamazonian one?

Oh, it was the body suit with the suitcase with bullets. Yeah.

Okay, I guess I didn't like that. That was... That was her miss. It also looked like french fries. It did. Yeah, it was not a good one. It looked like french fries. I wish it was.

That'd be fierce.

I don't turn up for guns, but I turn up for french fries. Oh, I have, again, ruse fucking hair and makeup. Literal perfection. Yeah, it's very impressive. What a great outfit to scream at the girls. I don't know about the cape and the green.

The parachuting fabric, I kind of like it. It was interesting. It wasn't a huge win for me, but that top, I mean, the white braid, the ponytail was so fierce.

Yeah.

She screamed at us. Yeah, so before we get to the screaming, I also want to talk about your runway was Abraham Lincoln. I thought I killed that. I thought I killed it. I mean, it could have been,

it would have been nice if it was a ladies jacket and a little more shape. But Mel B said, you're literal perfection to me.

I liked it.

Yeah, I thought it was like clever and fun. Nice concept. Yeah, I had a, Mary, I had a concept.

Yeah, you killed it.

Half of the people just went in a shitty gown in a bad beard. That really disturbed me. So I take super mega umbrage with gingers. I couldn't believe how ugly her dress was. It was a shitty corset with not even not singed with nasty plastic giant kids stones. Awful.

Ugly fucking gown.

With the beard. You know what it gives?

The this is me pride performance. Oh, I don't even know what that is. The bearded queen from Greatest Showman. The girls love to do that for Pride. I hated that. Who else did I hate?

Oh, I loved Miss Fames, the Harlequin. See, I actually, so this is what I hated. Middle part, red wave. I hated it was one of her real, I hated it for some reason. Well. I love that we'd have different opinions on that. But no, can I tell you, one of the things I've realized watching this as a viewer is what makes Drag Race fun is that people, you sit at a table, you all watch it, everybody

can have completely different opinions. Yeah, I know it's kind of, I love that. But not in a way where people scream at each other. No. You know? Yeah. But the big, like, I mean, do you remember, like, the dress that's gonna cure AIDS, that's gonna solve hunger? Oh, this was Jasmine being like, I'm about to let RuPaul see the best dress that's ever

been worn on the stage of RuPaul's Drag Race. And it was a nice dress. It was a built, it kept building. She kept talking about it. She's like, I would be surprised if I cure AIDS because of this dress. I was like, no, it was wild. The thing is, if she had just worn it, they would have been like, this is a really nice dress.

But she treated it like, well, it's the Hope Diamond. Yeah, it's Princess, the Revenge dress with the Hope Diamond, plus the Shroud of Turin. Not to mention, Jasmine Lovey, but the charcoal eyeshadow on the face instead of hair. I'm 37 years old. I know my skin. This was a tough moment for me to listen to on the runway.

She... Her explanation for her underperformance with the... It was so tough to listen to. She's like, I'm not putting nothing on my... Like... I was like, oh, shit. It's like you're on Drag Race.

See, I, to this point, have never been up for critiques. So I've never heard any of this. I'm only an untucked hangout. So you have never had your feet hurt like that? Not until I go home. Oh, my God, Mary. I'm telling you, up until... At this point, I have only worn super fucking uncomfortable shoes.

I'm talking Bordello Pleasers and giant stilette, like five inch heels. So hammer time on the feet. Yeah. And it takes, I was shocked at how little they show. It takes nine to 10 hours to do a critique. Seriously.

Every judge gets about five minutes.

Yeah.

For each person. For each person. And in the edit, Mary, the edit, we get about 45 seconds max, maybe 30 seconds. Yeah. Seriously.

But if it's RuPaul and four judges, RuPaul says nothing. RuPaul says nothing, and it goes one by one and they each take five minutes. And then if there's six of you, that's five minutes times five is 25, times six is hours.

So you're in untucked for hours before the group even comes back. Yeah. And sometimes you go back to, like if it's lunch, you know, you break for lunch, then you come back for the rest of the critiques. The critiques are interminable. So sometimes you're breaking for lunch and you're not allowed to speak. So you're in your drag outfit eating lunch and you can't even debrief on who's going

home. You're just sitting eating.

Yeah.

Quiet. And if you speak, you are silenced. Yeah, when we went back for All Stars 2 in the second episode, RuPaul let us take off our shoes if we weren't on camera, and that was like, such a game changer. It was such a game changer. It was... It's torture. It's torture. But if you want to take your shoes off,

you do have to pull out your cock. And that's something that is non-negotiable. That's a rule that I added on All Stars 3. I said, everyone, whip it out. Whip it out your cock. Whip it out your cock. It's cock time.

Bring it to the cock room and the pussy room. Okay, so let's go down the runways. I know this is going to be boring for people just listening in their cars, but... Well, what's the rose and the thorn? Yeah. I thought Max looks sensational. Oh my God! Sensational. So cool. Max is in this sword fighting, what do you call that? Swashbuckler.

Yeah. With a beard that is, it's a mustache like Wario. It's like doll, like kind of like a crazy dolly mustache. And the eyeshadow is just black shadow and a circular on the eye. It's so cool. Max really eats the girls up. The only thing though at this point,

which I, you know, still to this day, let's not do bits on the runway. Let's just walk the runway like fashion models. I know I can't do it, but I can try. I was like, let's just walk. Let's walk, turn just walk. Let's walk, turn, and walk. You didn't like the gun when you blew your brain out?

No. I'm like, why do we... It's understood. We know what happened to him.

Right.

Also, he didn't kill himself. It doesn't make no sense. That's a good point. You should have asked me to come out and shoot you. And I would have, probably with a real gun. Imagine if I had orchestrated Ellen, the PA. I'd be like, can you gun me down? Love. And it's... Love. And she takes a hux of tomato at my face. Um, no, but I just walk. Just sissy that walk.

Right. Did you like my Jesus?

Not really. Sadly, I think it was one of my better looks. It was... I really loved that it was... there was a point of view.

At least it was a story.

It was a story. It wasn't just like, here's my shittiest dress in the grossest beard. How did you come up with Abraham Lincoln? Babraham Lincoln.

Is that how you thought of it?

Yeah. I was like, what, who has a beard?

Babraham Lincoln.

I was going to do, um, that was, I was going to do a sexy Santa. I was like, fuck that. I actually would have loved that. Nobody did sexy Santa though. I was shocked. I would have loved that. Red velvet cunty gown. Are you fucking kidding me? With a sack, like a jeweled sack or something? And it would have stood out in a good way. No shit. But I was worried that everybody was going to do that.

Yeah.

I know. I'm not kidding. I thought there'd be another Jesus. It was a startling lack of imagination in that runway.

Yeah.

Because me, you, me, you, Max, um, Pearl, oh, actually, just maybe a few. I have a trauma memory of this gold gown I had on for that because the zipper broke, Amazon. And while in drag before the runway, I installed a white zipper, and then once I zipped it up,

and then a Fu Manchu, long, long, long. It was very strange and interesting. I liked it. I kind of liked it too, but I'm like wondering if it borders on yellow face. I'm not sure.

Oh.

Because it was kind of Fu. They straight up said Fu Manchu or whatever. And I'm like, guys, she's Latin. Right. I don't know. She's Puerto Rican.

Yeah. I thought she looked cool though. Yeah. I think really Kennedy's beard was just… Just awful. And the short wig. And also it was like… Pubey.

It was pubey.

Pubelina. Ginger Kennedy, unforgivable bad runways. My other memory of this is when we had to stop and break for lunch, eating lunch with that beard on. The beard, I know. I had to take hair clips and clip the beard away from my face and try to eat like, I don't know, some fucking tofu chicken.

Yeah. How was the food, do you remember? I thought it was adequate. I just remember Kennedy walking around and she would look at the food and say, this food nasty and then she would say that she went to Boston Market. But we got it.

We got it. Nobody tells you that. If you go to Drag Race, just say that you won't eat it, and they'll get you whatever you want. Do you guys say anything in the workroom when Jasmine was painting on that mirror? I don't remember. I remember her spiel. I'm 37 years old. I don't glue a shit on my face. My skin. I know my skin. Whatever, whatever. And then RuPaul would not have it. She really yelled at us. It was really scary. Should I play it? It was actually scary. Well, we're gonna play a clip of RuPaul screaming at you.

And I'm sure this is just a clip of it.

You know, FYI for all of you girls up there, I don't want to hear any goddamn excuses.

Be prepared.

We didn't have time to re-rehearse.

Make it work.

Make it work. Fucking make it happen! I don't want to hear any goddamn excuses. Anymore!

What do you think about that? I think it's, um...

in such a small amount of time.

Mary, when we get to... We haven't got to tan with you yet. Did we do tan with you? No, it's next. That day was ridiculous. Ridiculous. It was asking too fucking much. We had to come up with... Here's the challenge and a couple hours later you're recording it. We had to rewrite a song. We had to record the fucking lyrics.

We had to record the fucking lyrics. We had to develop with ourselves choreography and then learn it. And then get in drag. And then get in drag. And it was like, in one day I was like, fuck out of here. Yeah, it was too much. It was like, fuck out of here. You are setting us up for failure. And surely enough, they all sucked. But obviously what it seems like, I was not on the main stage with you guys. What it seems like is RuPaul is saying that you guys kind of reflect, this is my show.

The quality of my show matters to me and you guys did not.

Well, then why don't you hire a union writer?

Bitch!

I feel like she was saying that you guys didn't meet the base level. Of course, I agree with her. I think she's got a point. I also think... It's just too short of time. It's too short of time and also, mama, come up with some fierce lines and we'll try to learn those. And also, it's hard on drag racers to do a sewing thing and someone goes, it looks unfinished. You want to look right at them and go, I started it this morning.

Yeah, no shit. I sewed it this morning. Do you know how actual outfits take? It takes me days. When I was sewing for myself, I would take one day to just cut fabric. And then the next day I would sew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then maybe the last day I'd do finishing.

Yeah, you could do, I mean, literally one day you could be like sketching, like sketching, sketching, sketching, design, design, cutting. The next day you do construction and then you do like alterations.

Yeah.

Three days. It was tough, so I have very little memory. All while talking about cancer and your dead mom and fighting with the girls and doing your makeup. Yeah. So, I remember the bottom being Jasmine, which I guess I knew. I mean, the beard. She gave up.

And Kennedy, which was sad,

because they were instant friends.

Yeah. They had never Kennedy, which was sad because they were instant friends. Yeah.

They had never met, told Drag Race, but they were like glued at the hip. Yeah, they became...

Which they do become glued at the hip during the...

Hello? I forgot about that. Loved that challenge. And it was hard to watch them lip sync. The song is Kylie Minogue, I Was Gonna Cancel, a complete bop. I love that song. When I saw Kylie and Sydney, I hoped she would sing it and she didn't.

She didn't know. Because it's not really, it's not one of her hits. What's your favorite Kylie Minogue song? It's Two Hearts. Two Hearts. The lyrics really make no sense, but it's such a cunty song. I love it. Do you know The One?

Of course. I love that shit. I also love the, what is it? I don't know. She's got a bunch of good ones.

The locomotion.

The, out of my way, get out of my way.

Yeah.

I love her.

I remember when I saw her in Sydney, she said, she's like, I'll lock the table and you know.

She's bogey all of a sudden.

She was like, I'll take a sit and try. Is Mike gonna stop and say, need a lock of Martian? And people lost their shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was like, this is my first single. That's a cover. And she sang it and people loved it. Five foot in a whisper. Five foot in a whisper. She is tiny. So this is when we say goodbye to Jasmine. I'm so bummed about it. Yeah. It was a bittersweet, it was a tough lip sync because I knew Kennedy wasn't going

anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. As we saw, she gave up with the beard. I did like that move that Jasmine does where she crouches, jumps. It's the, the, the Cossack thing. The leg strength. The Cossack, it's just went on. The, um... Oh, what was I... I just lost my mind. I'm sorry.

No, it was a good thing to... Um... Oh, Laganja. Don't throw it away at the end, girls. Don't throw it away at the end. That was sick. That was the vibe. Don't throw it away at the end. Don't throw it away at the end. And like, it's like, I don't know. I just, the bearded. To be honest, the energy,

the energy being there was that she gave up. She gave up and she started packing. Oh, I forgot about that. She started packing before the lip sync.

She started packing the morning of elimination.

Yeah, she literally just hung it up, which was so tough, like selfishly, because I wanted her to be there. I liked, yeah. She's so fun. It sucked when she left. It's weird to, for some of us who've auditioned, some people fucking seven times at that point, it's weird to get there and pack up and be willing to go on the third episode. I know.

You know?

And also like, two people have gone home who wouldn't have packed early.

They would have fought to the end.

And so that was kind of hard. And then we left with like a big void, a huge energy left with a bunch of drips left in that work room.

Yeah.

Ugh.

That's kind of honestly one of the things I remember the most about season seven was... I didn't feel like I had a bestie. I don't think I... Not even you. I mean, at this point, you have never seen you and I talk on camera. At this point, me and Ginger are probably pretty close. Me and Ginger. And then Pearl.

The smoking. The smoking. Mama, you need to smoke on Drag Race. That's my... If any girls out there, you get on Drag Race, you need to smoke them cigarettes. The X program, hold on.

You need...

And me sitting in... And all the fun people are smoking and I'm sitting next to Violet on the couch going, so where are you from?

Yeah, no shit.

Girl, it like,

She's like, don't talk to me. Especially all stars, me, Detox and Roxy cutting up out there. We would, we're the odd trio. None of us would hang out together really, but we just, it's all wonderful.

It's a also, why do smokers get to smoke? Can I say that was one of my issues when we stayed at the lovely Beverly Golden Hotel was, I don't smoke. Why don't I get to leave my room? Go. Go. Go. So I started putting a note under the hood

that said I need a smoke break, and I just go outside because I'd be like, can I breathe? Yeah, do it. Do candy cigarettes. I'm not joking.

Candy Ho.

What about that name?

What about Candy Ho? You know what I like about it?

It's straightforward. Candy Ho.

Candy Ho.

She has a weird, weird, weird bite that I can't— I should have put down verbatim. It's like, I'm so sweet. I'm gonna get in your mouth and you're going to taste how sweet I was like, what? So fierce. She also, I think at this point she has said right on my alley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then that's the thing. It's like, Oh, it's like sequence dress. That's the sequence dress moment. It's sweet. It's endearing when someone

says the wrong thing without knowing it. It's sweet. Yeah. And also like if maybe the higher English is their first language. Yeah. So Candy was from Puerto Rico, which I did. I did a cruise after drag race that lifted off in Puerto Rico. I didn't realize how far away it was. I didn't realize how remote it was. And only after drag race that I realized that candy came from so much further away than any of us. Yeah. Spoiler alert. When candy does go home, when they're apart, where we all come back.

Kandi stayed in her hotel room for, I think, two weeks waiting to come back on Drag Race, because they were like,

-"We're not flying you back to Puerto Rico." -$HIGH-PITCHED VOICE

Oh, my God. Whereas I got to go home to Wisconsin for a week. That's, like I'm sorry. That's like... There's some stuff we don't really need to get into it, but it's like the baggage fees on the way home. I was like, y'all are really fucking cheap. Sorry. So I just didn't have the money.

I didn't either. I did not either. It's like... But to be fair, I'd complain about it now. I'd be like, $400? Uh, mama. Yeah. But I would have known to complain about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we would have, they wouldn't, it would not have been a shock.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a little like on a normal season when you want to go pee, they say 10-1.

Oh yeah.

On an all-star season, you're like, if somebody could take me to pee. torturing those fucking PAs. I love, well, we didn't talk about the PAs. Fucking Katie and Ellen. Katie and Ellen, I'm sure they're not listening to us. No, they're not listening, but they are.

They're probably happy they don't have to fucking hear us anymore.

They're probably working for a real fierce company. Katie and Ellen were such angels, and Miss Fame terrorized them.

She did.

With Motor Mouth Maybelle, she would never shut up. Do you also remember that Miss Fame was absolutely the last one to get ready every single time? She and Max were really- Fame and Max were always the- And then on All Stars, it was Shangela. It was to the hilt every day. It was Alyssa. She was like, baby, get that shoe, get that shoe, get that shoe.

Like it was- Getting cameraman to produce. Because you know, Alyssa has like three assistants, like, on the road. And nobody was... I mean, to her credit, she was electrifyingly entertaining. But, you know. Oh, so funny. Fame.

The, it, the, the...

How many episodes of not getting the How's Your Head joke? How many? Well, that's coming because it hasn't started yet, but that comes. It's the next episode. Do you think it's like, what do you think? You think that's a very... I didn't know it. I didn't either.

I didn't know it. I didn't either. I've seen Elvira Mistress. I've seen the movie, but it was like 15 years ago. Well, I mean, it's also about age. Like I heard that...

I hear things. I heard that some of these like young drag queens don't know who Cher is and RuPaul. Imagine telling RuPaul you don't know who Cher is.

You just get slapped.

I know.

RuPaul just takes you outside, lays you down in the parking lot, backs over you a few times with the four runner.

You're just like, so you want to learn about parallel parking?

Yeah. Blaring turn back time. I just fucking runs the kids over. So you need to change a tire. Yeah. But RuPaul is also twice these people's age. Yes, and extremely culturally literate. And RuPaul loves shit from older than what she is.

Yes, she's very culturally literate. She's extremely pop culturally literate. So RuPaul was like- She's Rain Man with music. RuPaul's like, Georgius, you don't know Marlena Dietrich? Yeah, you don't know what she and the Easton's B side. So maybe seven, like, what is wrong with you? Like, come on. Can I tell it to my heart? Tell it to my heart. Who the fuck

knows that song? Taylor Dane. I don't think Taylor day knows. She's a, she, I bet when Taylor data is a concert, she's like, tell it, baby. I don't know the words. It's going to be a very, very, very well. Um, shout out to, um, pouring out for Jasmine, Jasmine, who is a working drag queen. I mean, I have this graphic saved on my phone. If you want to know what type of girl Jasmine is the year after drag race, she hosted a 41st birthday for herself where she just invited any fans, and she was in Dragon Olive Garden,

and she got a big table, and any fans that showed up

could eat with her.

Fucking A. That is the queen of a queen. She's a real bitch. She's so fun. I will text her. She always responds to me. I'll send, I'll call her. I love that bitch. And over the years, when I've invited her to do things, she's open for me. When I, if I'm doing like a skit, she'll come be in the video. She's just very cool, but she will be stoned. Yeah, that's fine. The amount of times do you, she, you know, she has probably makes

up at least 45% of my go-to. If I want to kill myself, I put this YouTube video on to like flip the script in my brain. The amount of times I've looked at, I've turned on Guadalupe McGillicuddy, the cucumber dicks. And I, you know, everything is like, the shit in your mouth. It's like so often that she, I probably owe her a lot of money. You know what I mean? It's just fantastic. Well, thank you guys for the third episode. Let us know how this is going.

Yeah. And too late because we were doing a next episode. Next week we have episode four.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah. I want a tan tan. Oh, when Miss Fame says, I'm gonna touch your cock.

It's wild.

I wanna kill myself. It's wild. I had a lot of... Let's talk about it next week. I watched it to get ready.

Yeah.

It's just crazy to watch. It is crazy. Everything about watching this is fucking crazy. I thought we did. I thought comparatively we kind of slayed. The other ones were rotten. Well next week is going to be, I- Spoof, there it is. Can I be honest?

I love season seven as a cast. I'm waiting for a challenge I like. I know.

We're on episode three now.

It's not going to happen until Conjoined Twins. Honestly! Yeah, it's a snatch game. Well, snatch game is great for a good cause Pearl is so funny. Pearl and Kennedy are amazing.

Kennedy is amazing.

And then that's, you know. Well, you're gonna have to lead the ones because I'm gone for a while.

So you're gonna have to really lead it.

I have to show up to work. Because the episodes that are coming, I'm watching it, not in it. Oh, right. My only knowledge of it is the show. Right, right, right. Oh, good. So you're gonna have to come hard. Okay, fierce. I'm gonna have to try to... You're gonna have to drive the bus.

Okay. All right. Bye! All right. Bye!

Bye!