Windowless Room Boyz with Stavros Halkias | Soder Podcast | EP 92

Dead Crow Comedy Club Wilmington, North Carolina August 14th through the 16th doing five shows Long Island, New York It's been a minute and I'm excited to come back brokerage comedy club. It's tiny. It's tight. It's a good good room I really like it. I will be there August 23rd, Los Angeles, California September 25th. I am going to be at the United Theatre. That's downtown I know you don't want to go downtown, but come and see a great show and then speaking of hot Phoenix, Arizona

I am gonna be at stand-up live for four shows I'm gonna be there September 5th and 6th at stand-up live in Phoenix. It's a huge room. Come on out I haven't been to Phoenix in a while Dan Soder comm for all dates including the Golden Retriever of comedy That's the theater tour that kicks off in late September in Los Angeles We got all the dates listed and all the dates are up on my website for sale. That's our conference There's like a book about gunss and Roses that I have up here called I want to watch you bleed and they talk about when they made when they did the album Appetite for Destruction

they lived in a storage unit.

Which is like I love that album too.

Yeah but living in a storage unit and doing heroin and then rocking out.

Yeah awesome.

Of course that album's awesome Of course, yeah, like yeah, duh. It's the big problem with comedy dude. It's like you can't You can't like I I'm rushing to get a good special From too rich to be able to understand anyone dude. Like I have to like this is my record. We're absolutely recording but I don't understand anyone. Like I have to, this is my last chance. We're absolutely recording. But this is something where. It's the problem.

People don't realize that I'm very bad at business, but part of it is on purpose. Because I'm trying to keep the part of me alive that is like a shitty employee, so I can make good standup.

I get it. I mean, there's also other, I mean there's obviously been examples of like great like people dealing with Like I think prior was at Sunset Street, which whichever one

Sunset strip he was after he was burned up. Yes. That's an incredible one Well, you know that about it, you know, honestly or whatever read the book. It didn't go well. He bombed the first one did yeah It would come back and then a lot of that specials done not in front of an audience Daddy like do reshoots because he was so fucked up

And like he was kind of like I knew that he had fucked up the first one and he came back the second night Which I thought was cool. Yeah, but I didn't realize they had to do reshoots. That's fascinating

Yeah, I cuz I've in the book, he just goes like, and then I went back the second night and everything was good, but then someone that directed it, it was in an article and they were like, no, we had to really piece it together. Because his first special, Richard Pryor Live in Concert, which is what you're saying, before the money, before, he was like.

Well, he had like five albums too.

Like, it's kind of fascinating because. the titles we can say. It's all like that, N-word is crazy, super N-word. I mean, imagine being a white dude in the 70s and going like, I'm gonna go get this album, super. And they're like, whoa!

Oh, they didn't have a problem.

They didn't get a problem. I think it was taught in schools. I think proper N-word pronunciation was in schools where they're like, you need to stick the R. But Pryor's live in concert 1978 or 1979 live in concert is like that's the best. And that's just him doing an hour.

He's not rich yet.

But I think that's what I love about all those albums that it was like it wasn't as precious. In a weird way it's come back around where now I think the people that are doing the, I think the clear secret now is just put shit out, even if it's not perfect. And that's kind of what those prior albums were like.

Well, what's crazy about it is.

Some of them are recorded really bad. I listened to a bunch of them recently. Yeah. Yeah, because I wanted to get into like the 70s mind. Like, I don't know I was just like I was just curious like what what were people really like was all brand-new

Yeah, stand-up was brand-new and also a lot of albums people don't realize especially our generation They would do albums and then they would take the hits and that would be the special That's why I was called a special mix. It was sort of like a mixtape. Yeah, they're like, it's the greatest hits. Like, oh, here's all my greatest hits. And I filmed it. And then they would have like bands open for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a real thing.

They'd put it in movies, like Eddie Murphy put Raw on like movie theaters.

Yeah, I mean, it was special, it was special because only like five people could do it.

It was like a big, you remember? I mean, you were probably, because you're younger than I am, Martin Lawrence put out, that was the last concert, like movie.

Kings of Comedy.

Yeah, it was in theaters.

That's the one that felt, that I remember that was like a big deal. They were doing press for it. You went to go see it in theaters. It was awesome.

Yeah, and then you realize that Bernie, they made Bernie close out all the shows and he was like, all right, we'll redo my contract. Those stories are awesome. When Bernie was like, I'm the motherfucking man.

And he, I mean, I actually just rewatched his part. I'll throw that on sometime.

Milk and cookies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He does.

Well, not, okay, that part's awesome, right? I mean. That's the most quotable part. That's a beautiful part because it's like, I watched it, I watched it, and it was like, I watched it with somebody who was like, didn't know anything about it really.

Oh, Bernie Mac for the first time?

She's loving it, and then he drops, he calls his nephew, he drops a couple F's on him.

Hard T's too. But it's all hard, oh yeah, period. That was when black culture was real DL about the gay shit.

They were not cool with it. Here's the thing though, that bit, yes, the word is fucked up, whatever. It's a bit about he took them into his home.

He raised them as his own son.

There's nothing funnier than that.

There's like such a humanity and kindness to it. And it's yes, he's saying bad words, whatever, but it's like, what actually matters, he raised this fucker, he like saved this kid. And it's like, obviously, whatever, that's fucked up, he shouldn't have said that, whatever. But he clearly had love for him.

And then even in that, he has like, all of his is like, there's just, in the middle of it, there's a bit about how he busts fast. I gotta re-watch this. It's incredible, like he's just got a whole thing about kind of being sexually inadequate and then being like, he even says like, you know, if your girl threatens to like fuck some other guy, be like, go fuck some other guy. He's like, I'll watch. He has like a cuck punchline in there. Where he's like, I'll watch. It's a fascinating, just a guy who's so open and honest

and still a good person. It's just, it's so good.

And then, yeah. Also, it's funny that he talks about inadequacies because his Def Jam set, the most infamous Def Jam set, is he'll pull his dick out and make this whole place black. Exactly. who'll pull his dick out and make this whole place black. He's like, I'll fuck a woman. He's like, I did. He like.

It's sort of like the evolution.

Yeah, where he goes, you know what, back there, I didn't mean all that stuff. Remember when I had my face on my jeans?

Yeah, yeah.

I was talking out of pocket.

But also, he's a testament to like, and performance and command of a room. Because like, look, some of those jokes, you read the transcript, it's nonsensical. There's no punchline, there's nothing.

But- I ain't afraid of you, motherfuckers.

But he's so in control, and both those sets are like fascinating, because he's just, I mean, Def Jam's obviously, it's a smaller room, but it was so, you know, it was like combative. And then the Kings, I mean, they shot that in Charlotte. In the Charlotte arena, which is straight up arena. It's crazy.

Now, you know, we have friends that work arenas like they're clubs. Yeah. You know, we know people that work arenas like clubs, but like, that was huge. The fact that they were doing an arena in Charlotte,

because before that, of course, the only thing people talked about was that Dice sold out the garden, which was like the pinnacle.

There would be somebody every like 10 years, Steve Martin, Dane Cook, Dice Clay, whatever.

Yeah, you're right, once every decade you get a guy.

This was like, we're filming it, Spike Lee is directing it, there's no other shot, You're not gonna sell out an arena twice. It's like this set is what fucking matters. So that is another element to that that's really cool. It's like just the pressure and all of it.

But to have your standup be seen before YouTube or any of this shit, to get your standup seen, it took like a process. You had to like, someone had to get your stand-up scene. It took like a Process. Yeah, you had to like someone had to watch your set at a club or you'd send them a tape and they like maybe And then there was like another audition and they're like we're thinking about doing some specials and it was like I remember getting The Comedy Central presents which a whole generation doesn't even understand

I know how that was like The thing that saved my life, I was gonna get that and then COVID happened and I've never been happy. The only silver lining of COVID because that half hour went on to become live at the Lodge Room.

And the difference in my career.

It's crazy. It's like insane.

I'll tell you right now what would have happened. Comedy Central would have aired it once. Yeah. I think they would have aired it once. And then they'd go, we'll buy something from you maybe.

That's all they did.

I was like, dude, what's so funny about it is-

I ought to suck that bat off. Whoever ate that bat from the Wuhan wet market, dude, saved my life.

Star Wars, don't do, come to Central, high five.

So that was really plugged into like-

He's in Comptown.

The small level comedians. He knew, he goes, I just got that coming up.

I'm a Comptown guy.

Don't do it. I'm in Wuhan.

Wuhan, Wuhan loves Comptown.

I'm like,

and bites the leg in the head. And they go, what did you do?

He goes,

I'll tell you what I did.

It was necessary. Sontot, ah! There is, like, people are mad, like, I understand both sides of people being like, mad the industry's gone because it really did keep out a lot of bullshit.

Sure.

But also, the industry didn't know what the fuck they were doing. The whole point of the industry were like, people that got communication degrees from AS.

Hold on, did it keep out bullshit?

Yeah. There's a lot of people with six million Instagram followers that are selling out theaters that are doing dog shit stand up.

Wouldn't they have done something else, those people?

Do you know what I mean?

Here's the thing, in an era, if there was a way to be that popular when the industry existed, they would have sucked those people off. The industry was just trying to generate those people.

The point I was making is exactly this, is they just didn't have a clue what they're doing. You're absolutely right.

They would have gone-

They just guessed wrong on who those influencers would have been.

And I don't fault them entirely because I've had jobs where I just wanted to go easy and I want to do well. Oh yeah. And so they would have gone, well this guy's got 6 million. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all Netflix is doing right now, is they're going like, do you have 15 million followers? Here's an hour special.

We love it. Yeah. And then we'll bring out this old celebrity that's doing a movie for $500 million to interview you.

Yeah, I mean, it's the classic, the way all of society has gone, Every you get way more than any human being needs right? Yeah Or knows what to do with right and at the and then it's like the bulk of it is Like they put out 52 special whatever year or and a lot of people putting out special But it's like a lot of it is just things you can make cheap. Yeah, right It's a lot of throwing shit at the wall. It's warm. Yeah, and it's all Walmart and it's high and low, right? But the high, because it's a business, it's not art, it's not the best, they don't have like a panel

of who's the best, right? There's no like, that doesn't exist. There's no like, you know, Michelin. There's no secret comedy critics.

I would love a Zagat guide.

They come in and they see like seven shows on a tour and they do an aggregate score that would be fascinating right?

I would yeah some of you motherfuckers would be real worried because I'd be coming to eat your fucking score up. Yeah I'd love that too. I'd be hitting 400 on these

motherfuckers. Well see I feel though I feel also cuz like look I I want that so bad now. It would be awesome. I want that smoke so bad. It would be awesome because I do think there's something to comedy where it's like, ideally, I don't think a special is what stand-up is. I think stand-up is the random show. It's your aggregate.

But then again, you could say that I'm coping and I'm a regular season player. I'm James Harden.

You're Peyton Manning?

Yeah, I'm Lamar. I'm Lamar. I'm Lamar. I'm dazzling. One regular season, there might be a moment at a show,

and you're like, how did that happen? How did he connect to that person? I just do that moment where I'm seeing art. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do think I've had some spontaneous moments.

That's really interesting because there are people that we both know that I would say when they do specials, that it doesn't come out well. Like I see their shows, I see their shows and I go like, this is phenomenal.

By the way, the opposite. There are people who I think are just shrewder about how things are actually perceived, who are not day to day, are fine, but know to bring it and know to plan and might even get people to punch their shit up. And my do reshoots, like you're saying about prior, something that to me sounds insane.

To me, it's all gotta be.

It's the show, do the show.

Ideally, there's no editing. To me, the platonic ideal of a standup special is you do not, the only edits are camera angles, but you don't cut anything out. Now, that's not how things work, that's not production, you'd have to be next. This is the first time I'm finding out this isn't how things work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is so funny.

This is how stupid and idyllic I am. I'm like, yeah, fuck. Maybe I shouldn't have tried.

Fuck.

I tried real fucking hard. But it is, I remember the first time I found out, it was, I think it was like Amy Schumer's special. Norman was telling me that they would like stop and she'd be like, I didn't get that joke right. I'm gonna do it again. And they would do it and you're like, that's crazy.

It seems insane to me.

Every time I filmed a special, you film two shows and I go, well, I did the show and then I did the second show and the second show was great.

Or the first show I use 80% of the second show Yeah, put a couple moments from the first one cut it that cut a couple pauses

Maybe that maybe if I flubbed a line, I remember the HBO special I flubbed a line and the guy at the editor was like, oh say from the second show and he like fucking Superimposed it you're like perfect. Yeah, but that's why you have two shows, but you're right. There are people who are here's my thing Is I think my insecurity is I'm not savvy, so I get insecure about people that are savvy, where I do the thing where you go like,

you gotta play the game the right way, and they go, there are no rules to this game. So you're making up your own rules.

No, I actually do agree, unfortunately, because I have the same thing where I like, I do wish that it was about art and it was a meritocracy.

Well you wish government was about representation

of the people.

Right, absolutely.

Nothing is what it is. Absolutely, absolutely.

You wish ESPN covered sports.

Yeah, right.

Like they didn't throw fucking slop down our throat.

Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely, it would be, I want all that shit to happen, but then you're like, no, that's not how it is. Also, it's like, this is entertainment, it's bullshit. No one deserves anything. Oh, you're the best artist? Who gives a fuck?

Go be a teacher. Go be a fucking social worker. That is kind of the level I hit where I was like, I don't deserve this life. I didn't deserve when I wasn't successful. I just got to fuck, my 20s were like fucking around with my friends, you know what I mean, going to shows. I wasn't building a life.

That was awesome. I didn't deserve that. So then what, I'm gonna complain because either some rich kid whose dad is a fucking executive at fucking Paramount or some hot girl who just is good at fucking internet marketing

or just like, am I gonna complain that they're ahead? No, life isn't fair. This shit, there's no rules in entertainment. It doesn't matter. There shouldn't be fairness here. There should be fairness in everything else.

This is all bullshit.

Entertainment is, it's make-believe. It's playtime. You're right, there shouldn't. And I think that's probably-

Let's get people fucking health thing. Let's head get people health care But that that's what we need a baseline of fairness not in this bullshit

You can have like hardcore opinions and entertainment and be like, I don't think they should fucking have it This is fucking and people be like really like both sides will be like, yeah Yes, and you go everyone should have health care and they'll go you fucking I know it's hard to go How are you mad about getting health care? Well, I'm a I'm an entertainment. I'm a show business Republican Hey guys, if you're looking for a place to get meals that are prepared for you. Maybe you're busy Maybe you're running around and you're like, I don't have time to sit and cook but I want something that isn't just McDonald's or processed. You know what I mean? You want a good meal?

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I'm an entertainment, I'm a show business Republican. I'm a show business like pull yourself up by your bootstraps, no one's here to help you, and I'm a real life leftist, whatever, you know what I mean? Where it's like, yeah, no one fucking cares.

Oh, you have connections, great, use them. I don't give a fuck.

You know what I mean? I think one of my biggest faults was that I was ignorantly an idealist in standup, and I was going like, it's a metatocracy. You gotta fuck it. If you're good, you'll get to the top. And which it does happen sometimes.

Here's the thing, it doesn't hurt to be great.

Well, Nate, yeah, for real. But like, I would say two people that we both, Nate and Shane, were both so good, they didn't have to really play the game. They just went and were great and got over.

Well, I mean, I think they were both really, but still they were very shrewd. I mean, like Nate knew what the fuck he was doing. He didn't stick around here. He knew he was an old fashioned kind of like, let's build it up through my, I'm gonna be so good, my theaters are gonna become thousand theaters

to 3,000 to 6,000 to little arenas, and I'm gonna build this shit like an old fashioned business and Shane was really shrewd because he knew he had a lot of eyeballs on him, nobody knew who he really was after the SNL thing.

Yeah, for real.

And what did he do? He fucking put out Gillian Keeves, he put out a great special. He harnessed those eyeballs and he just catapulted himself and he's been doing great tires, his more, staying on the road. They were both very smart still.

And something that I saw, and this is kind of on topic where we're talking about being shrewd and stuff. I was really impressed when Shane got fired from SNL from for not leaning in to the people that wanted him to lean into it.

You know being outwardly racist was like the Green Goblin mask.

Yeah, where it's like, do it, Shane.

Do it. Say it. You can have all the power.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's on the roof with a Bud Light going, stop being gay. It's like, do it, I live and learn.

Call Dylan Mulvaney a slur.

Oh, you can't do it.

Call Dylan Mulvaney a slur. Watch, watch, watch. Abandon Bud Light. Watch, watch Worldstar videos

and say what you really think.

And he goes, I can't.

But it is, I mean, that kind of like, you know, you can sometimes in entertainment, you can see things where you go, I could go down that road. And that's why it's crazy when you watch people do that and go, I'll go down that road. You almost go, you can understand it,

but then you go, that was an easy.

You can't, I don't understand.

I mean, I understand because you see the you'll like see an Avenue open up like when I was doing billions they were like There came that moment where the people that represent me and stuff were like you ready to be an actor, right? I don't want to be an actor. Yeah, and they're like, no you can still do stand-up, but like we're really gonna yeah Yeah, I I don't want to do it Yeah I just, I'm saying I saw that avenue. Where if I wanted to be like, can I be on NCIS New Orleans? And then you catch me going,

well I look like this man,

well I got ripped up by a fall.

You'd be great by the way, as a mongoloid in the trenches.

Ah, ah, there you go. Where's this swamp man?

Swamp gay guy and a gator. Oh, oh my God. Oh, my pet gator. Yeah. You found a butt plug. Your gator shits out a butt plug. You're like, I think they threw the gay guy in here.

Oh, Mr. Mr. Detective, man. They go, Oh, our star witness. Do you see Soder as the star witness at NCIS New Orleans? He does a cross eye the whole time, like Sandler's friend.

They're going spit they're gonna spin you off with wilder fall to Rama. Yeah, you guys got your own show because they son buddy

Spaniard in the swamp man. I

Got a thousand dollars cash money. Do you remember your mama? I do remember your mama also Can we please stuff put? Wilder Ville de Rama on the Mount Rushmore of hit lists Derek Jeter Pete Davidson

Wilder Vildorama the problem with him is I don't think we want to be digging a little too deep Oh into the ages of some

By the way boys from the 90s of those expiration dates are hitting yeah, no it's going bad for a whole generation of boys.

It's going real bad.

Could you imagine you're like,

in the 90s, you're like,

nothing's better than 17 year old pussy.

It's crazy.

And then in 2025, everyone's going, what?

Dude, yeah, it's fucking insane. Did you see that Anthony Anderson interview with Lindsay Lohan, when she's a person that got complete like her Britney Spears It's like why do you think these people go insane? Yeah, society fucking completely sexualized them from the time. They're like children and years old

Lindsay Lohan though first off phenomenal facelift. She went to the she went to the guy that's fixing everybody

Yes, so some guys on a generational run. I mean he's just going is the fucking surgeon where it's like Oh my god, I feel like I'm watching like heat second season heat LeBron Some guy's on a generational run right now. I mean, he is just going. There is a fucking surgeon where it's like, oh my God. I feel like I'm watching like, second season Heat LeBron.

Yeah.

He's just doing that. His nurse.

60% from the field.

You know what I mean? His nurse throws it up while he's doing it. He's also, I mean, it really is like cue the 80s music I think you're gonna like your face. Holiday, oh! Because dude, Kris Jenner, Lindsay Lohan.

Kris Jenner, I mean, she's an old woman.

She did the same guy that Lindsay Lohan did.

Lindsay Lohan, it's like, all right, I get it. She's a young person, relatively speaking. Kris Jenner is an old woman, dude.

He fixed Donatella Versace. Oh my God. She doesn't look normal, but she looks-

But she was looking-

Yeah, she looked like fucking Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

She's looking real Muppet-ish.

It was fucking crazy.

Donatella- She's like dark, what was the Henson? Yeah. The like, the like- That's what she looks like now though. I mean, she like kind of fucking our crystal. Yes The Jim Henson like spooky. She's a spooky muppet Which is a good movie by the way dark crystal, but Lindsay Lohan. I would say Lindsay Lohan is

She's like entertainment's Rambo. I love her. I mean dude, they gave up on her. Yeah, she came back. She came back

She's like they're all gone. They're all fucking dead, Raven Simone.

They're all fucked.

But she went through hell. Parents, both parents sucked. Threw her to the wolves. She got famous. Remember when she tried to kidnap that kid in, where was it, Abu Dhabi?

No, I don't remember that, but I saw it. Oh my God, it's just a brown kid. He's like, huh? This is freckled ass lady. She lives in like Abu Dhabi now doesn't she live in like Qatar? That's no good. Well, that's like the funding that money. Oh, dude, that's scary stuff

By the way, don't think that if you think for a second comedy is not right behind that if you think we're

Not gonna be seeing right now. There's a fucking like a Saudi Arabian fucking festival dude really yeah, it sucks

Oh my god, dude seeing me. It's watching me sell out. They're like Riyadh

I think he is literally doing it to Stefano is I believe so come onfano. I think he is literally doing it. DeStefano is? I believe so, yeah. Come on, Chrissy.

I think so.

Come on, Chrissy. I think some names we're not gonna like are doing it.

What I think is so funny is.

I mean, but then again, I do, even though it is whatever,

I mean, they literally,. Completely funded 9-11. By the way, paid for the airplane classes in Tucson where I was living. Where I think, I'm not true, but I think you can look up the guys, this might be one of those things where real life is funnier than anything you can think of.

I truly think they only took classes on how to take off.

Of course, that's a classic like. Where you're like, I don't know at this point if that's a joke or- I remember hearing that from like in like 2002. Yeah, where they were like- It was like a fun little, like, hey, silver lining, pretty hilarious.

You wanna know the popsicle stick joke of this? They never learned how to land. And you go, what the fuck? How are you the flight instructor and you're not like,

you know-

Hey fellas, y'all wanna maybe land. Dude, I probably had a beer with him at Golden Nugget Tucson. He goes, I'm a flight instructor in these Saudis, man. If this is real. So they said, for example, Mossari, who was arrested prior to the 9-11 tax and later charged as a co-conspirator, enrolled in a flight training school in Minnesota.

They also did it Tucson though. I know that for a fact. I thought Florida too. According to the flight school, only expressed interest in learning takeoffs, oh and landings. Oh interesting.

Claiming it was for ego boosting. Okay, so there was landings. I thought they were just like, just takeoffs, we're good. Yeah. And they go, why?

They go, I don't think multi-millionaire husband. Oh good. She looks great. Looks great. Listen Mean girls legendary, right? I mean, I mean parent trap when she was a little girl She did the read the reboot of parent trap unbelievable Herbie the love bug were the same age a lot of those a lot of the like People that were sexualizing her on magazine covers as a 16 year old boy at the time, I was eating very good off of those things.

Her tips were out and about. I was jacking off to periodicals. I had my friend, she would have Cosmo or whatever, and I just would straight up be like.

Can I see that?

You go, oh, 16 tips is driving him wild. I should probably read this. Cuz see that 16 tips to drive them wild You know, I need five ways to communicate with my man, there's one particular Cosmo one with it I think there's a purple background. I will find it see it in my mind's eye right now talking about what you slang nut, too Oh, yeah, cuz my brother my brother in Christ You have to understand Britney Spears, Rolling Stone,

wearing the American shirt cover, not the one where she's laying on the bed, that one was to Lolita. There's one where she's wearing red leather pants, jerking off to periodicals.

It's awesome stuff, man.

I'll tell you right now, I'll dial up that Britney Spears in two seconds.

I think I know that one Cuz Britney Spears had an era where she was really like her abs were pretty shredded. Oh my god I was jacking off to that quite a bit There's a couple music. Oh not a periodicals music videos. Oh music. I did a lot of beating off. Okay

Thank you because we had Giannis on here. There's this was the one where I was Britney wants you. Oh, interesting, interesting. But there's pictures in there that I was like. Okay, because the cover. That was just the cover, but her face, she's so cute, oh my God. And by the way, this is the best part about being 16, when society sexualizes 16 year olds. Right, right, right, right.

There is a small silver lining.

It's okay for me to to fuck these girls. I am their age. You go, Jon Wenner, this is very inappropriate you're doing this Britney Spears, but thank you. Junior in high school Dan Soder is just tugging.

Yeah, absolutely. I don't like that there's like an Israeli producer telling them to lose layers. I don't like that.

He goes, come on, you're a bunch of stuff.

You're a bunch of stuff. But me, I'm not that guy. But then 16 year old Dan in his bedroom looking at it

and then Trish knocking and going,

finally me alone, I'm reading, I'm reading.

You always tell me I should read.

But remember Lindsay Lohan where she did SNL and they did Harry Potter and she was Hermione

and they're like.

And yes I do Dan, quite well.

And those big titties and you're like.

And they were bobblin'.

And you're like, Jesus.

How old was she at that?

Look up when she hosted SNL. 19? Because that was too much, where I was like, oh.

I was still, I don't know if I beat off to that, but it definitely excited me.

I remember the one that I never understood understood was Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. And people would like. I was in college and people were counting down to

when they were 18.

And you're like, I don't even know what that is.

Yeah, it was bizarre. It was like, yeah, the countdown clocks. There's like websites. If you have a countdown clock, if you wait till the moment someone turns 18, you would beat off to them when they were 16.

Dude, Louis has a bit right now

That is like old school louis. Hell yeah heater of a bit

Sarah's got that bit too. I think I think she does sarah told my sister a bit where it's like if you like barely legal You'd probably like not legal. You know, which is awesome. It's also weird because as you get older, like you're in your 30s, I'm in my 40s, and now it's like I couldn't even imagine, I mean I can imagine, but I don't think I would wanna fuck someone that's under 25. I just wouldn't be able to talk to you. You know what I love talking about? Being a hypochondriac. I worry and worry and worry and worry But then you got zocdoc and zocdoc.com

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Soder zoc doc calm slash Soder and that happened with what's that girl bad, baby? Oh, yeah, bad, baby. She made like 80 million dollars or something

She makes more money than any she got kicked off. Dr. Phil She she spent a couple years being a real fucking problem and popping up on World Star her life's bad again

I think she has like cancer and like I think she has cancer and an abusive husband.

She has an abusive husband.

Yeah, I mean that's no good. But it's also part of the course for a white trash Italian girl who pretends to be black and was a sex worker. It's like, yeah, she's gonna have an abusive husband. That's like the most Florida, I think I've ever heard in my life.

You think she gets turned on by being respected?

Yeah.

Oh, this guy listens to me.

And that's not good, for the record, I'm not saying that's good.

We're laughing about it, because it's horrible.

But it is the most right down the middle thing. I mean, she just happens to be the most famous one, but how many white trash girls pretending to be black that were either strippers or whatever, that's a tough retirement.

To come out on top, it's more difficult than a-

It's like a running back coming with no CTE. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I didn't take any hits. You were a north-south guy.

Yeah.

It wasn't even like you were east-west. You were lower shoulder.

There's not a lot of Derrick Henry's out there. There's not a lot of them playing till they're 30.

Mike Allstock's like, I don't get headaches.

And you're like, really?

Yeah, I think there's always this hope that we have for people like her, the same way we have hope for drug dealers in movies, Just gonna walk away with the money. Which would be awesome. You got the money, just go be quiet. But now celebrities aren't even doing that. That's why like Happy Gilmore 2 was such a bummer. Cause you're like, Adam, you're rich. We didn't really need to do this.

I would've liked it to just focus more on him and Shooter. Yes. You know what I mean? Like I would've liked it to be like a him and shooter team up to defeat Live Golf. That would have been fucking awesome.

That was my whole point with Happy Gilmore too. Why make it about miniature putt-putt that that's gonna ruin golf? Yo, there's Saudi money in golf. Do that. Go, oh, you don't have to make it Saudi Arabia,

but you could go like, oh, there's these evil people.

Make them tech guys, I mean they sort of did. I mean, Benny Safdie's character is a tech guy. But it just wasn't. I did enjoy, I liked when it was, I actually really liked before it got like, super cameo heavy. I really liked the beginning.

I felt like it was the whole thing was so cute.

The beginning was pretty fun where it's like, he's fucking drunk and he's like.

Yeah, but they didn have made it like, how she died sucked.

They got me.

They got Happy Gilmore, hit her in the fucking head

with a drive.

I mean, it was like.

Maybe on a rewatch it would hit me.

What did you want it to be, fucking death wish? You wanted her to get fucking held at gunpoint. And then Happy Gilmore becomes a vigilante who fucking kills criminals with fucking drives. Oh, and then you realize that,

and then you find out that he's Casey Jones, and it bridges into a fucking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle war? Yes, 100%.

Yeah.

You should have came to me, I would have pitched that.

In the intervening years, he just becomes Casey Jones and becomes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle friend. And then the turtles come back and they're like, good to see you old friend. He's clearly got history with them that we missed completely.

I'm about to kill you.

This is a turtle.

You know it's time to go to a game.

It felt like they did it fast. It felt like Happy Gilmore 2 was done fast and just like, oh, they'll love cameos. Marcelo and Bad Bunny made me laugh the hardest.

Dude, Bad Bunny is incredibly funny. Like when they introduce, you know, when you hear the casting and you're, I love, I mean, there's not a movie that was more important to me than Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore was right up there. So like, Early Sandler is my comedy,

like one of my my foundational comedy heroes.

He molded most of us.

Dude, you listen to all his albums and it's all these silly songs. That's half of Come Town.

I would tell you what.

It's the worst version of what he was doing.

What the hell happened to me?

They're all gonna laugh at you.

Well, that was the first album. What the hell happened to me, specifically, seventh grade, eighth grade, molded me comedically. With SNL, with the Jerky Boys. With like other standup. Standup was always on TV. Comedy Central used to actually play standup all the time.

So those were all the things, but I would tell you what the hell happened specifically. The cock and balls sketch. I mean, obviously the goat is the goat of sketches. Goat's great. Of album sketches.

I mean at a medium pace is, I don't think I ever laughed harder in my life.

Take that shampoo bottle.

Shampoo bottle and stick it up your ass.

But that's, that's what they're all gonna laugh.

Talk about your ex-boyfriend's dick and how big it was.

Yeah. I mean that's, they're all gonna laugh at you. Yeah. And how to beat up a Spanish teacher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tollbooth Willie was on the first one.

Tollbooth Willie's incredible.

Like, a car to go fuck yourself. But what the hell happened, all those sketches stick in my mind. Because I liked, they're all gonna laugh at you, but like, what the hell happened to you? It was a thing like I would wake up and put it on. And he'd be like, why don't you play with your crockin' balls? Or he's like, oh, that smells like a skunk.

And he's like, you know what it smells to me? Like this old guy's asshole when I had sex with him. You know, and they all go to like, oh, we went to lick him. So it is like, you know what it reminds me of? Happy Gilmore 2 was like watching

Mike Tyson fight Jake Paul.

Ooh, I think it's a little better than that.

Nope, it was not a little better than that. With the spectacle, with the lead up.

Mike Tyson didn't even have a single good moment. To me, there was at least a couple good moments. Happy wasn't funny in Happy Gilmore. That's a valid criticism. He wasn't silly. I think he was only funny in the very beginning.

But I don't even think that, like I hated the part where he went out golfing with the young people.

Didn't love that.

It was like sloppy and also.

Didn't love that.

It wasn't funny.

It also didn't, it wasn't like. Didn't feel real. It's like those are completely unnecessary characters. I mean, I guess it's cool to get Margaret Qualley in there and

But his movie I see here's the thing about it is he does bad trip so funny And it's one of the funniest movies in the last ten years

No one his genre The fact that he was able to figure out how to take sort of what makes the Eric Andre show special and make a movie That's sort of half blends I mean, I guess it's in the tradition of like Borat if you're gonna say that it's like half and half Yeah, it was Borat and jackass mixed with Eric on yes, and that movie so so fuck I mean dude Tiffany haddish coming out of the bus while the dude is cleaning up and he goes I ain't see nothing and the guy comes back. It's just one of the best scenes. Yeah, I mean chasing around the mall There's just stuff that you're like, I mean the dream sequence the wedding is it's great another moment that a little rel is perfect in it

Yeah, it's like the nervous friend that doesn't want him to use his car. It's just yeah, that's actually when people talk about Recent comedies that should really get that might be one of the best recent. It might be the best making me laugh

Yeah, bad trip made me laugh harder than anything I can remember in the last 10 years. Like I had like, felt like I was a kid.

I just heard the Naked Gun, it was really good.

That's what he said. I heard Naked Gun was really good.

It was good.

Yeah, I wanna see it.

You should see it. It's just like, no, it's that, it's joke a minute. And there's a couple, and you know when you do joke a minute some are fucking bangers, some are just like keeping the ball moving. But there are like, there are a couple set pieces in that that made me laugh so fucking

hard. Good, good.

And I love that Pam Anderson's banging.

She's banging Liam Neeson now. I thought she yes. She is which is awesome. I thought she was better I mean Neeson was good

Yeah

it was smart to kind of take someone who's already in that genre and Kind of like because they kind of molded it to his genre of old guy action movies right which was smart really You got a smart. I mean, I think I mean it was directed by a keeper from the Lonely Island and McGruber Island and MacGruber pop star like that's another a bad trip in MacGruber MacGruber are the last ten years I think like it was not ten years dude really I hate to break it to you right I think it's close I think it's really close

fuck it you know what it's not cuz I moved here ten years ago MacGruber was already out yeah sorry man god damn it dear old as hell Fuck it's 15 years old You're old motherfucker. We're both dying We got it. You gotta make our money and go away. Yeah. No, that's my plan for sure Yeah, that's my plan for sure. Where do you want to retire? I? Really love being in New York like I I've recently got like I'm subletting a place in Manhattan. You stay in there yet

I am yeah. Yeah, you staying there yet? I am, yeah, yeah.

You slept there?

Slept there.

When?

Recently, like this week.

Okay. I love it though. Because I did your podcast last week and I don't know if you had slept there yet.

I didn't, I think I slept there the first, that was the first night. It was not haunted, it's cool. It's an old building. It's a big place too. So if you, like I had moments where I was like, I was like, you know when you just like, you don't want it to be haunted, but you're like, I'm gonna just check and see if there's ghosts.

Yeah. And there were no, my ghost radar is not on at all, dude. And I get scared easily. The reason this apartment is so comfortable to me Oh, there's gonna be really soon. There's gonna be like tech guys who've jumped off. Oh, yeah

It's a gross guy

This guy's so savage bro the way he says stuff

Yeah, I love I mean I think one thing I've learned is that, I don't know, sometimes it's okay for certain things just be, you don't have a choice in them, right? I love, like, Baltimore I'll never fully get away from it, I don't want to, I love it. I want that to be, and New York, I just like, I just love being here, dude. And I think I want to stay here no matter what. And like, go to Greece. I like travel.

Travel when I don't have to work is awesome. So I like traveling. So I think it's just the kind of thing where, you know, every year of my life, I've gotten a little bit, like recent since I've gotten successful, I've like let my career dictate things a little less.

I focused on my health a little more. I'm still not exactly where I want to be. This year ended up being much busier than I thought it was going to be, but it's for cool stuff, right? And then, so the plan is to do a special

kind of early-ish next year, maybe like early spring next year, maybe like late February, somewhere between late February to late March, somewhere in that window. maybe like early spring next year, late, maybe like late February, early, maybe March, somewhere between late February to late March, somewhere in that window.

And then I'm gonna, then I wanna fuckin' kinda chill, get a cool place in New York. I really, even from being in Manhattan for a week, I'm like, it's awesome.

Shit jams.

So sick.

It fuckin' rules. It was like a thing where we did it and like the second we did it. It was funny about it is we moved in this apartment the week I left the bonfire. Oh wow.

And I live. That's probably psychologically very good.

Well.

I know you mean you're close to where you live.

It was just like I live two blocks away from the train that drops you off in the building of the bonfire. My commute to work would have been 10 to 15 minutes. Sure. Sure, and instead I was coming from Queens. Yeah first that's that's a tough commute for the six years I was going which wasn't that bad but then Jersey when I was living with Katie and it was

Every day I was like I got to go through this tunnel or take the bus over and I was like this fucking Yeah, and then I moved in but when you moved into New York, it's New York's taking a lot. Listen, it's New York, so it's never great. But I like that. But it's never as bad as Fox News says it is.

Oh yeah, and by the way, it's kind of back to the beginning of this conversation where it's like, what I love about New York is that you can be the literal richest guy in the world and your life's not that comfortable. No.

You're still like, you still kind of are just a per, like you still have to go on the train

You still walk places. You know if you want a coffee you're gonna have to go in the Dunkin Donuts that everyone else goes in Yeah, you're not a gated community. You're not away from everything

You're like you're you're a huge you're just like be left alone, if that's the kind of person you are, not the city for you. But I grew up in Baltimore, I like living somewhere, this is the best shitty place. It's like the best shitty place. That's the perfect description of New York City.

It's the absolute best.

It's the best shitty place you'll ever go to in your life. It's a millionaire shitty place, you know what I mean? And it's like. What I think is interesting about it is it is so shitty. Doug Stanhope, if you wanna watch, I think it's the special No Refunds that he did at Gotham, where he tapes it in New York. The opening monologue he gives,

he's smoking a cigarette and he's walking down the street, and he talks about why comedy works in New York City, because he describes how shitty New York City is. And he goes, because even, and basically the points you were making, he goes, even if you have a good, you still have a bad. It still sucks. And he goes, and that's why comedy works here,

because people need to laugh when they're all stacked on top of each other and everyone's smushed into this.

And there's just a ton of people. enjoy. Yeah. Right like this place like Florida so many people with fuck so many like ultra billionaires live there right? Sure. They have private fucking beaches, they have fucking private jets, they have their own like social clubs whatever and look I'm sure there's like obviously at there's so many rich people here that there is like an elite. Well they've got you have Jeffrey Epstein's townhouse for example we're not, that's still going on.

There's some kind of crazy bell ring even still going on here. But look, museums, the cultural stuff, the restaurants, everyone gets to enjoy that shit. You can be poor and enjoy 90% of what New York has to offer.

You won't be gated out.

And you can't do that anywhere else. What's good about other places that rich people live is just you don't get, like I loved that when I first moved here and I had no money, I lived in a fucking box with no window, you wanna talk about

living in a storage unit, I essentially did. You know, like yeah, we both talked about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we both did.

We both lived in the storage, windowless rooms

in Astoria the first few years we were here. Yeah, if you would have walked in it, I would have looked like Bane in that fucking prison with my back bent over and I'd be like, well, I'm successful, then I can have a window. But it is.

And you can just fucking walk around and enjoy it.

But you were just saying about Epstein, about who do you think the first pep talk was after Epstein got caught that was like, you guys wanna get the group back together?

Yeah, yeah, chill. Chill out. We're in trouble. He goes, I know, just miss the parties. We'll fuck 20 year olds for a little bit.

I miss the parties.

We'll fuck malnourished 20 year olds for a while. It won't be the same.

When Epstein got caught, we did this bit on the bonfire about Epstein's friend who is realizing he's a pedophile while being on the island where he goes, your room upstairs is just filled with teddy bears. It's fucking crazy.

Oh dude, I took a wrong turn and ended up in a ball pit.

Yeah. But it was like also sexual. There's like sex swings in there. So it's just a different vibe. It's so funny because it is like the ultimate, he was like the ultimate guy to get you canceled. Yeah, yeah. You canceled.

I guess not. You could just be the president.

Yeah, but we're watching.

Not to be, not to get, I hate that, I hate to go to lib out this hard.

This isn't, this isn't liberal.

This isn't liberal.

This isn't, you're talking about decency.

I know, I know. We're not even talking, like the thing that is making me laugh about the Zebstein thing is like people who are first off fuck all politicians I know you're liberal. I am from the school of I don't even consider myself a liberal. I consider myself to the left You're you're a compassionate progressive Yeah, I would take leftist progressive because liberals in America have become Republicans who want to get you fired for saying slurs. Yeah, that's all they are now the mainstream Democratic Party

But go ahead keep going. I've. I know you have very South Park politics. I have very, very. I'm very. I know South Park has molded your life in many ways. 100%. 100% South Park where I just think they're all phony fucks and I think they're all manipulating people in order to make their own money. When a lot of them are p****d out. Yeah, there's so many of them. When they were like, oh, what if they get Clinton? You're like, f*** him. I don't care. F*** Hillary Clinton. Every p****d out should be f***ing go to jail or executed. I would prefer them to be publicly executed. If you want to know where I'm at. I say we let a couple of the full Saudis, if the Saudis are gonna take over our sports and our entertainment, can we at least have their forms of punishment?

Can we start fucking cutting hands off thieves and shit? Alibaba in the 70s, like let's fucking start chopping

off hands.

I think thieves can go to jail, I think we can chop their dicks off.

Yeah, I'm all for it.

How about this, chop their dicks off, okay? The worst defenders get executed. Yes. How about this, chop their dicks off, okay? The worst offenders get executed. We chop some of their dicks off, and they have to like, still, they stay in jail dickless in a horrible life sentence. That would be good.

And I also believe that members of Congress and Senate should be on the same healthcare that their poorest constituents are on.

I love that.

I think their poorest constituents in your county, whatever you're representing in government, that's your medical insurance. You don't get to get fucking dental because you're in D.C.

Fuck that.

You're in fucking, you know, bum fuck Mississippi and you're like, I'm a pro-Republican.

I'm a pro-Republican.

Guess what, fucko? You get their dental and their healthcare and their vision. Fucking fix it.

And you have to wear overalls shirtless too.

And you get that every time you're fucking in there. That's gotta suck to be smart and be from Mississippi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had, in high school, I had an organic chemistry. He was like, they brought him in special to teach the smartest kids. And he was just, he had the thickest Southern accent.

And then you go, I don't believe any of this science.

And he was so like, we're not them. You know, he was like, we are not them. And he was just so smart.

He goes, there's a plasma conveying. You go, this is all, what is this, swamp science?

I don't need all this.

Did they put me in that class? get into like, in math and science I would cheat. So sometimes if I cheated too good, I'd be put into like, classes I was not capable of.

Don't, children, children that are watching this, we're trying to save you from profiles, but also we're trying to teach you how to cheat better. Cheat, don't cheat too good.

Cheat too, that happened to me in history and then I just ended up being good at history. Well history's fun. That's how I got into AP history. I cheated in the regular one, and then I was like, I'm fucked. And I was like, hey, I like this.

It really is. Dude, that's so funny. I got into the, in middle school, I was a horrible student. Like I was gonna fail eighth grade or whatever. I was getting all Fs.

And it was the war of 1812. I got like, yo, this shit kinda rocks. And then I was into it and I was like, oh, this fuckin', and then I got a good grade. I was like, oh, this is.

It feels awesome. But that didn't happen to me in organic chemistry. I failed so fuckin' hard.

But cheating is, when you cheat too good and they think you're smart, when I was in college, I had to, a foreign language thing. This might get me in trouble. So we might have to edit this out. I think you're fine.

You thought MacGruber happened three years ago.

Yeah.

It was a long time since you were in college.

I graduated college last year.

Yeah, yeah. I graduated college.

I hope the dean doesn't take my degree away.

Oh no, 20 years later. They go, we didn't even, you had to have a certain amount of foreign language. I didn't know any foreign language. I didn't take foreign language. I took it in high school. Didn't remember it.

Dude, I got through a year, and then it got difficult, and I started to have to cheat. You're supposed to do two full years. I did a year and a semester, and then I found out. This is when I started doing standup, my senior year, and they were like, can you prove you make money traveling? And I could do correspondence classes.

And so I was like, yeah, I brought in like three pay stubs from like different comedy clubs, and I was like, yeah, I could go on the road. I was going on the road like once every three months. But they were like, oh, total. And I brought my work stub in from the radio station. I go, I work full time at the radio station, I do stand up. And they were like, yeah, you can do correspondence.

Well, then I like read, this is getting.

So you had to talk to them in French?

This is being too good at cheating.

Okay.

So I looked at the rules, and the rules were, assignments were two thirds of the grade, right? And then the other third was the midterm and the final. I was taking a lot of poly, I had a poly sci minor, so I was taking a political science class, and this girl that was in my group project lived in France.

She was like, oh, I lived in France for the last three years and I was like, oh, so you're fluent? She was like, yeah. And I brought my workbook and I was like, how hard is this assignment? And I was like, if I gave you $500, could you just do this workbook? And she went, yeah.

And so she did the workbook. By the way, it took her a week. Like she came in and I didn't have, I did not have $500. So I was like giving my paychecks. I was like signing over my paychecks to her

being like, I think that. You probably went high too I bet you would have done it for less. I bet she would have done it for a hundred. Yeah, it was so easy I didn't realize how easy it was for her But she does the whole workbook right and then I take it home and I copied in my handwriting And I'm getting like 10 out of 10 on assignments boat

like ball ball

Yeah, and then dude I went in and took the midterm and got like a 15% love that and the French teacher was like

What happened and I was like, yes

Literally what I said, I'm not a test taker or whatever. Yeah, then I turn in the rest of the assignments. Oh

Oh ball., all good. And then I took the final and got like a 25% and she was like, I'm failing you. And then I had to go in and go, the rules are two thirds. And she went, that's a D. And I went, D's get degrees. And she was, this woman was like,

that was the only time I felt like a criminal. Where she was like, I know you, and I was like, I did gain the system.

And there's nothing you can do.

I did the same thing in physics. There was, you remember the TI-83 calculators?

Yeah, of course I did. You could play Tetris on that shit all fucking day.

So you could, or Snake. You could program on them so that means they had like text. So I typed in. You could full on text.

There were, I mean there were like $100 calculators.

They were like 200 bucks back in the day. They were expensive.

At my high school you would borrow it. They would like lease it out to you and there'd be like a.

That's smart though because you can't cheat with it. Because I typed, I had a physics test and there was half of it was written and half it was math problems. I just wrote the study guide in the TI-83. I wrote the entire study guide. I got 100 on the ask us questions thing

and I got truly maybe three right of the other half. I still failed. It was like, no I didn't.

Oh wow, that written part. You're really good at the written part. Math is just not my strong suit. Dude, the thing I used to do that was taught to me by an older student, so my high school, I went to high school from 97 to 2001.

Computers were not, you would type up papers, but you wouldn't use computers regularly, especially not in school. There was like a computer lab.

The computer lab, of course. I remember the computer lab.

So this older guy, when I was in high school, I had this class with this guy that was just like a fuck up, and he was like, oh, if you wanna cheat, just go type up stuff, change the font to four, print it out, and then we had soda machines, because I had a giant public high school. And so you'd just go get a Coca-Cola, you would open the Coke, take a couple sips,

pinch it, put the cap on, and then slide it under the label. And then you would drink the Coke. So if you walked in, it would just look like a full Coke. But as you were taking the test, if you would pound Coke, it would go down and the answers would be there. Dude, it was, I'm telling you right now,

I used that over 10 times on tests. I would just slide it in and be like, and people would be like, you were out smoking weed till like two in the morning last night, and you're like, watch this.

I'm a genius, dude. I would get friends from the earlier, I had a whole system where I would get someone to take two sheets of paper, write their answers really hard. And then we would just hand it off, because it was like B, it was just like multiple choice, whatever, and then we would just hand it off

in the bathroom, and then I just had the indentation of all the right answers. That was awesome.

Did you ever have a friend that was too crazy, and was like, I'll just walk in and steal the test

No, I actually I had a lot of the opposite because I went to like a magnet school and it was all scared Yeah, I was the bad influence I got really I was the one who was like I was like I'd have like dude these kids that I would convince to cheat You know, we're still friends to this day, but they have like they're like, you know, they work for like, they're either in like higher ed or they're like, you know, go to like one of those like big accounting firms like Deloitte and shit like that.

Those are their dark days where they're like, Stavros got me to cheat and I've never heard.

I think, yeah, they were like the smart kid and it's like half of the kids are like, every family's hope. Yeah. every family's hope. Because all of us are like poor kids from Baltimore. So half of them were just like, if I get caught, I'm, you know, their brother's in jail. It's like, they need this shit.

And I'm like, come on, man.

It's like a country that you don't even know. It's like Uzbekistan. And you go, I didn't even know it was a country. I'm it, dude.

I'm the one hope. We never got caught, thank God. One time, the calculus teacher, I think he was old as fuck, and the kid next to me just happened to be out that day, and I think he knew I was up to something, and the teacher just sat in that kid's desk. And my whole plan was cheating off of those around me. And I had one kid who just wasn't good at cheating. There's actually a kid who, I've told told the story before our JV soccer coach gave him pornography

Not even in a like pedophile way and like I did boys way like he was so pathetic He wanted to bond with a child by giving him But how does that go through your head as a good idea? He this guy was very very funny guy He also like was a see I knew that he had robbed Some like I he we grew up together, not together, but he grew up in my neighborhood

and I knew that he was a criminal and he was lying about his background. So I had him, I used, I blackmailed him to start. I was like, I'm the fucking, I'm getting playing time

or else we're gonna have a fucking problem.

I'm not here to stand on the side or you're going have fucking problems. I'm not here to stand on the side or you're going to fucking jail. That is so great. I think I'm gonna sub in. He goes, no you're not. He goes, I'm subbing in.

I think I am. Oh, I think I am. And this kid just fucking put, he was so unsmooth that he finished his test and he just like put his head down. Like he was like, I can't, he was like, he like felt bad about cheating,

so he like put his head down, pretended to take a nap, but like left his test fully exposed.

And I was like, shut up, don't fucking do it. You're gonna fucking, you're gonna pull it for everybody. You're fucking Wengo. You're gonna get us all caught, dude. I went to high school in the suburbs where people are bored so they wanna do bad shit because they're bored.

And then you would find a live wire and he'll be like, dude, I'll just straight up fucking go in there the period before I take the test. And you're like, what? And then they'd come out in activities hall and he'd be like, I got it.

And you're like, you're out of your fucking mind. And then you're like, give me that. And you're like, duh, duh, duh, duh. And then they had to like change it up. Dude, there was a guy that was infamous at my high school. He was a junior when I was a freshman. He was so good at cheating that the teachers knew he was cheating. And one time a teacher sat in class and watched him, right?

And then he left. They took a test and he left. And the teacher went back to his thing, he's going through it, and the kid wrote, you'll never catch me on one of it, and the guy was like, I don't even know if he cheated that time, but that teacher told me the story, and he was like, this motherfucker would just live in my head, run free

the rest of the semester.

The Caprio in Catch Me If You Can.

Dude, he was like, you'll never catch me. Abagnale. but it worked. It fucked that teacher's head up. It's awesome to be playing those kinds of, I marvel at kids that are playing mind games with adults. Well they grow up to hunt people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just like, that guy grew up to like, I'm sure he fucking murdered, turns out that's James Harris from the Aurora shooting.

You go, ah, goddammit.

Now he was from San Diego. Okay. Look into that. Okay, okay. He was also schizophrenic and off his medication. I forgot. A lot of Colorado shooting you can blame on the altitude and the people there. Sure, sure, sure.

That one. That one, not homegrown.

No. Yeah. That was not a homegrown.

Yeah.

Columbine was.

Columbine's not you.

That was a, who else? I mean, we've. I can borrow it. Columbine by Dave Colum is fucking nuts. Their original plan was to, the library was above the cafeteria. Their plan was to blow out the support beams of the cafeteria to bring the library down on everyone in the cafeteria and then have a cross pattern out in the parking lot where anyone that fled, they would just shoot as they came out. But then the bombs didn't go off, and Eric Harris, who was the psychopath,

and Klebold was the follower, he just went in there and just started fucking shooting people. Started in the cafeteria, went up to the library, and then worked his way. And it was like, if you're in Colorado,

especially if you're like an older millennial, you remember every moment of that, because you're just like, holy shit. But that book is amazing. Because the guy that talks about it, it's like his daughter went to Columbine and he was like one of the head behavioral guys at the FBI. He negotiated with David Koresh.

Oh wow.

At, in Waco. Like dude, this guy, he was the one that kind of tipped his hand at Chuck Schumer might have to edit this out because I like this might just be computer conspiracy but I've read it on the internet and it was like they Negotiated with David Koresh this guy whose daughter like he's in Columbine the book. Yeah, I think you read on the internet have not

Corroborated I don't know Listen you're just kind of dipping your toes a little Q and R right now. You're gonna come in and it's gonna be all aluminum foil. And I'm not even saying you're wrong I'm just saying let's do a little research Dan because we are aligned on our hatred for mainstream

politicians. This episode might end up heavy edited after I do some fucking a little bit of research. No I think where you and I are aligned is where everyone is aligned, where I think most people wanna see everybody not suffer.

Exactly, I mean, that's the crazy thing, is like that's the baseline thing, is that there's so much money in America that the fact that, I mean, what's happening is every company has to keep making more and more profits. It's insane. They can't just be profitable and be happy with that. I mean, the example of the Arizona iced tea, it's like, that motherfucker's 99 cents, baby.

And he's great, baby. And he's fine. They're making money. You see that CEO talking. Every other CEO's like, we have to keep making more money. We have to be richer.

We have to create shareholder value. Don't run a business that makes money that pays you and pays your employees and America now We're just fucking well You know what they can't squeeze people anymore, so they're trying to sell off the government to we've also in this weird fucked-up way

idolized CEOs which is also why we're idolizing politicians You're not supposed to like the teacher no or the you're not the boss. It's your boss It's like you're supposed to be like I don't know he goes to the country club and fuck him And I you're supposed to be like Clark Griswold where you want your crazy cousin to kidnap him

It would be doesn't give you a bonus. Yeah, I mean like shout out to Luigi. I mean, it's not good It's not good that anybody anybody to do random killing You don't want people dying, but you don't want people dying, but it's like those people kill someone every day like CEOs are killing people with it. You know Like a healthcare CEO is killing somebody by just not a lot by saying that their profit is more important than Somebody having access to health care. I think that's a that's a problem It's not the same as gun violence, but it's violence like there is violence done by the super-rich, and I think

Basically, I'm not even saying you can't be rich as fuck Be rich as fuck, but Burgess said it where it's like How about instead of a billion you have? 900 million and your and your employees can get dental insurance or whatever I would say the problem is is that we let companies have Shareholders yeah, I don't think CEOs and companies

should be answering to people that don't work there or use the product.

Yeah. You're telling me like, OK, let's say a company, you buy stock in a fucking somebody who makes lawnmowers or whatever. Right. Yeah. And they have a great year. Yeah. And you know, the guy, you know, the the the workers work hard as fuck. They everything's efficient, the managers, everything is like, they figured out a way to streamline everything,

they turn a great profit, whatever. Some guy in an office half the country away gets the spoils of that? Not the guys who built the fucking lawnmowers? Why don't they get the fucking profits?

Just the guy who bet on it? Imagine morale, imagine the productivity is if that guy, instead of that shareholder in another city that just gambled on it, if that's all gone, they have a good year, he comes out to the factory floor, he goes,

guys, everyone's getting two more dollars an hour and Christmas bonuses, and everyone's like, yeah, there's a Christmas party, and people are getting drunk and having fun. And by the way, they can buy houses in the area. They can buy cars, they can get to work.

Which is better for society.

Which then just makes that town strong.

And every societal problem, you talk about like violence, crime, whatever. It's all money based. It's because there's no, yeah, it's like people are pushed to that stuff. And yeah, if we just had a basic standard of living in this country where it's like healthcare, housing, you know, people can afford to feed their fucking families, that's it.

My problem is everything you just said, I 100% agree with, right? I feel like we're gonna put this podcast out and there's gonna be people that are like, shut the fuck up. And you're like, what don't you like about that?

So you don't think everyone in America should have healthcare, housing, and the ability to feed their families?

And if your answer is like well I didn't get to do that, it's like well so the fuck what? Dude, you know how fucking lucky I got? I owed over $90,000 because I paid for college myself. Damn.

When I was to get some bitch to fucking write your essays for you So French essays for you 90,500

But my mom was like when I you know You have an immigrant mom and I had a single mom and there is this like there is this like Venn diagram where they go, please make me proud. I worked very hard. This was really, really hard.

Please do something that I can go tell my friends that you did, and for my mom, that was like, my mom was college educated. She had to pay for it herself, and she was like, you're gonna do that.

You're gonna.

Please get a college degree just so I feel like I did my job as a mom Yeah, but also she was like you're paying for it, right which gives you so much anxiety totally so I saw my mom I go great Well, I'm gonna go to community college two years which she knew I would drop out So then my mom like helped me and we found this the parent plus loans and then I registered for Stafford loans and like Sally May I got in company with all those gross motherfuckers and I got all these loans. I was only able to pay it back

because I did seven seasons on a Showtime show and I got an HBO special.

Oh my God.

I mean, that's another thing.

You should throw education on the basics.

I had to be an all-star in the MLB to pay off my fucking college. But the point is, is like, I paid my college loans. I'm fucking, dude, I'll tell you right now. I jerk off to ex-fucks, old fucks,

but you know what I jerk off more to? That phone call where I said, we're good, and I paid, where they were like, I had $10,000 left and they're like, okay, so we're gonna set a payment. I went no no no I want to pay it and they don't want you to of course they go no no don't you don't pay we can like do It like this and I went no you're gonna take my money. Yeah right now. Yeah and hearing that woman go And I go what is this interest? Yeah, and I go what off my fucking loans. And I remember being like, ugh, it didn't matter.

The weight off my back. If you told me they were gonna forgive college loans, I'd be like, 100% you should do that. I'm not gonna go like, I had to fucking get on a TV show. Dude, I got lucky. I have a fucking awesome, our job is so much fun.

I know, I don't understand people who get rich and then turn their back on being poor. Well because- You know when I needed a fucking tax break? It's not now. Yeah.

I can pay my fucking tax now, I just don't wanna go into the fucking NYPD getting tanks. Yeah. I wanna go into fucking, you know, like education, healthcare, whatever. I needed a fucking tax break when I was broke. I wouldn't mind mental services for the people outside the fucking bodega on my corner. That's another thing, like, I'm working on a bit about it now

but it's like, cops used to do a lot that they had no business doing.

They didn't.

There used to not be ambulances, there used to be cops. That's crazy. Like, somebody would break their fucking leg and a cop would show up, easy up, clean up.

Better than driving him down the same ramp as the Aryan.

But it's like, yeah, it should be, that's a mental health issue. It shouldn't be aggressive people and fucking insane people mixing.

Get a gentle guy. I don't know, or even open up an asylum,

pay your taxes, it just, I don't know, man. I don't know shit about it. It's a separate issue from like straight up crime is homelessness.

I wish, two people that have addictions, right? I'm a substance guy, you're a food guy.

Yeah, and substance.

And substance.

And substance, and you're an insect.

You know?

Yeah.

When you have an addictive gene, you have an addictive gene, you have an addictive gene. What's crazy to me is that no one thinks of wealth hoarding as an addictive gene. I wish people who wealth hoarded looked like people who overeat. So you could go like, like, dude,

if Jeff Bezos looked like a thousand-pound life, if he was like...

He goes, I love satis!

If he was like all fat, he was like, this is my beautiful wife, you know what I'm saying? And she's like, I love him for him. And he's just a pool of a human being. Totally.

I wish that's...

It would be nice there was some kind of visual marker.

If Elon had to get forklift into the room,

they're like, beep, beep.

He's like, that comedy's deleted.

Yeah, because that is what it is. It's resource hoarding. It's like when you see one of those fat monkeys. You know what I mean? It's like that's what they're like.

But then here's the thing. All I'm saying is I think it would be funny if people who hoarded wealth were really fat. There will be someone in the YouTube comments that's like fucking libtard soda or whatever. And it's like, hey, you're the fucking loser. You're sucking your dick. You're sucking a guy's dick who literally looks at you

as an expendable piece of how to make more money. You're pathetic.

You're the fucking bad, they might as well put a fucking, it's the, you're the Matrix Pod, where they would love to just put something into your brain stem to generate electricity.

And by the way, they do. What do you think fucking smartphones are? You think that algorithm is helping you? Dude, snapping out of an algorithm run where you go like, oh.

Oh, dude.

Dude, I try to do this as a joke, but I don't.

Yeah, last night at bed, I wanna go to bed early, and I'm just on my phone and I hate it. There's nothing good. And then that feeling I'm like, I did it, and it's like, no you didn't, you just wasted an hour.

You know when there's like an alarm going off or a buzzing, and then it stops, and then it feels like empty? That's how it feels when you get off an algorithm. Sometimes it's like, was this the buzzing that ended? Dude, I was on a plane, and there was an old rich lady in front of me, and she had her screen very bright, no screen protector.

I watched her scroll. She did Facebook, Twitter, back to Facebook, email, Twitter, and I watched her go. Dude, it was worse than any mushroom trip I've ever had in my life, where I was like, oh, oh, it was like Tucker Carlson,

little girl dancing, a puppy picture, a motivational quote, Tucker Carlson, little girl dancing. A puppy picture, a motivational quote. Tucker Carlson again, truck. And then she was like, but she was just scrolling and you were like, dude, I can't watch someone else's algorithm.

That's why they're fucking, that's how they're getting us to shut the fuck up. And then the bots that go like, it might be a bot that goes like, ah, these fucking libtards suck and then someone goes like, yeah. And you go, dude, they're making you look stupid.

I know, I mean, it's just like, I don't understand the like sucking off the people that are making your life bad. It's like they're hoarding wealth, they're like, no one can make a billion, no one can make that level of money.

They don't work that hard. You're telling me somebody worked hard enough to make $400 billion?

That's why...

That's what... They're that much... If somebody makes, you know, 90K a year, that guy is worth... I can't even do the math.

People in dire situations...

Thousands of times more.

People in dire situations right now, though, will look at you and go, yeah, but I'm going to do that. And you go, there's no way you are. Yeah. Will look at you and go yeah, but i'm gonna do that And you go there's no way you are. Yeah, because i'm gonna tell you right now someone that's been around Very rich people either because of the but because of billions or just because living in new york city The ultra rich are very apathetic Oh, they don't

Can't like it's tim dylan's character for real for real real. Like no kayfabe, like an actual guy that's just like,

I don't know. They don't appreciate humanity. And there's like a, there's a poetic justice to it where it's like, these people's lives are empty. Like they're not.

Well, it's not, it's empty in the sense of like, there's no nutritional value. They're just like, everything they have, it's like, they live off a life of fast food. There's no like home cooking. There's no like, there's no grounding.

There's no grounding of like, I'm a member of my community. I'm a member of like, I'm friends with my neighbors.

What's the point of the money?

I mean, I'm not, but fuck that shit. You think I'm gonna talk to the fucking apartment F?

I know a couple, I met a couple neighbors, they were pretty nice.

Oh yeah.

An old couple and a couple of young gals.

Have you won over the African doorman yet?

We're getting, actually yesterday, yeah. I asked him about the rooftop.

Watch Tommy's podcast when it comes out with me

and Becky Owen, but I'm interested to know the rooftop he kind of smiles like you're gonna go enjoy the roof he's like oh he liked that yeah you know he's inscrutable I don't know what he likes what he doesn't like I you like the moon. I'm a lunar lunatic. I'm a lunatic, brother. I'm a lunatic.

Then you know that it is a crescent moon tomorrow. And you go, it is.

He goes, it's a half full moon.

I knew you are full of shit.

Is it waxing or waning?

Quick, go.

Waning?

No.

Go.

Get lost. Yeah, I don't know, man. I think you're one of the fucking best people I know. Thank you, come on, stop it. And you're one of my favorite people that like, I'm so happy you're successful. Thanks, dude. Because, you know, and also the way you say it is like,

it does make me feel less crazy that you go, yeah, dude, there's just no rules and people aren't gonna fucking follow the rules and you go, it does make sense. You know what I mean? It's like, and by the way, I know some of the stuff I said while we were talking is like idyllic and I understand that politicians are like, well that isn't the game.

It's like us comparing politics. It's very similar to entertainment where they go, why go by the rules? So everyone else cannot go by the rules

and succeed way more than me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I know it is tough that it's like it's essentially it's marketing and it's like it's not about representative government at all, but that's also why I think the only thing... I mean, I did literally I did not know if you're talking about stand-up or politics theory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess both. It's like it just just getting people to know you is the most important thing, which sucks, but also from a societal standpoint, I think the only thing that has kind of gotten me

a little more, that's gotten me off the like nihilistic, like oh, we're, because I definitely spent some time thinking like, oh, we're fucked, whatever. And look, ultimately, maybe we are, but all you can control is, I mean, I do think it starts locally.

I do think like if you can help out somewhere, go help out somewhere. I'm working on stuff in Baltimore. My brother, you know, I have family that works in Baltimore City Public Schools. I'm working on doing some programs with kids there. I even politically, I think, I think, you know, I think it's important to have people that can actually affect your lives at the most local levels.

Local, local elections are so much more important than anyone gives credit to. It literally affects stuff like street cleanup, fucking times of garbage pickup. You need to know who your comp troller is. You need to know who your fucking lieutenant governor is.

And you can actually go to some of those meetings, you can actually have a relationship with those people. I mean, even in terms of our mayor, I know New York's a huge place, but it's like, I think the energy around somebody like Zoran Mamdani is huge because he,

even if you don't fully agree with his politics, he's talking about shit that actually affects regular people. It's like, he's talking, you know what I mean? It's like, he's actually talking about New York.

He's like, no, I'm the mayor of New York. Why are you asking me this? It doesn't make any sense. And he proved something to me that I knew, but he proved it when he beat Cuomo, watching all the old Democrats go like, no, no, no.

Vote Blue no matter who.

Vote Blue no matter who.

Except that you don't like him.

No, terrorist.

He's Indian, he's a terrorist. And you're like, damn, you guys really are the same. You really are the same. And it helped prove my point to a lot of my friends who are liberal. Because a lot of my friends who are liberal, when I push back against hating Chuck Schumer or Pelosi or that, they go,

oh, you're just like a secret Trump guy. I'm like, I'm not a secret Trump guy. Fuck those guys even more. which is like caring about working people. Could you imagine, and I know, listen, this will be the most I probably ever talk about politics on this podcast, but could you imagine a system where it was five candidates, no electoral colleges,

and literally the best policy got elected? I know that'll never happen. Until Citizens United is repealed, until all that shit happens. But if you fucking could actually run on like, hey, I'm gonna do this, which a lot of people

still believe is what elections are, but they're not. It's super packed, it's why everyone in the New York mayoral race during the debate said, what will you do? And everyone but Mom Donnie went, I'll visit Israel. And you went, that's crazy. What does that even mean?

No, the amount of people, you can tell how somebody votes based off of who donates to their campaign. It's so, getting money out of politics is the number one issue that we need to be worried about. And also, it'll never fucking happen.

They proposed that bill that members of, or politicians can't invest in the stock market. And then that one guy went, well, I don't know who's gonna run for government if you can't make money off it. And you're like, Joe, you're just fucking saying it.

Like you're just saying it now. It's crazy. That's like, I mean, that's like being hustled and someone going like, well, I'm not really your friend. I'm just using you and then I'm gonna move on and you go, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no dude, I know it fucking it does fucking suck but check out Stavis world, please do you watch all of his specials

Got one on Netflix got one on YouTube watch tires Dave and tires. Excellent. Come to London

Yeah, September 13th, I think hell. Yeah, something like that. Are you doing a euro tour? Are you just doing a little bit? I'm doing London I'm doing everything else pretty much sold out, but check out my London dates. I'm trying to get I added a second one We're trying to get that going fuck. Yeah but yeah, you are One of my favorite human beings on earth. You're my one of my favorite you can fucking bust your ass in a way That's like damn damn I gotta start working I love it man and I love a very empty life no beautiful

home beautiful fiance tell you my personal life is kind of in shambles I've sort of we're gonna get my addictions and everything under the I've sort of we're gonna get my addictions and everything under the

queen dude