Bondi Spins Out Over Epstein Questions & Olympian Confesses Affair on Live TV | The Daily Show

Let's kick things off with something uplifting. The Winter Olympics are underway, and if there's one thing I love, it's those post-victory interviews where medal winners from around the world just radiate pure joy.

I can't get enough of it.

Congratulations so much on Olympic bronze.

How are you?

It's been the worst week of my life.

-♪ ♪ -♪♪

Okay. Little less joy than I expected. That was Norway's Sturla Holm Lagarde, who won bronze in the biathlon. But he got a bronze. I mean, I know it's not gold, but it's still bronze.

So why is he so upset?

-♪♪ Half a year ago, I met the love of my life, He's still bronze, so... Why is he so upset? For a salt origin...

Half a year ago, I met the love of my life, the world's most beautiful, finest person. And three months ago, I made my biggest mistake,

which was cheating on her. Okay, uh, not how I would have celebrated in a post-game interview.

I would have gone with a,

thank you, Mom and Dad, or a, thank you, God. But, you know, instead, you went with, guess what, world, I can't keep it in my pants.

You got to say, buddy, buddy,

there are other ways of dealing with your guilt. How about, I don't know, flowers? An edible arrangement, or burying the shame deep inside Buddy, there are other ways of dealing with your guilt. How about, I don't know, flowers? An edible arrangement? Or burying the shame deep inside you and letting it fester until it explodes

in a public meltdown in the freezer section of Trader Joe's? I need a pizza for one because I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me! And by the way, if I was listening closely, did I hear that right that you met her six months ago?

I mean, you guys weren't even dating long enough to fart in front of each other. You were still in that honeymoon phase where you pretend you need something in the other room and go fart there. You know what? You know what?

If repairing your six-month situationship is that important, I guess it's fine to hijack the news cycle to talk about it. You know what? You know what? If repairing your six-month situationship is that important, I guess it's fine to hijack the news cycle to talk about it. I'm sure your teammate who won the gold had nothing more important to draw attention to.

And it was an emotional win for Norway's Johan Ola Boten in the men's 20-kilometer individual biathlon. The Norwegian dedicated it to his late teammates, who died unexpectedly in December.

Oh, right! Our dead teammates! I was between honoring him or talking about how much pussy I was getting. I... I was just... You hijack that to try to win back your fling? This is basically like if instead of interrupting Taylor Swift, Kanye had interrupted

the In Memoriam segment. You know what? You know what? Love is a rocky road sometimes. And if this big display helped our boy get his girl back, it was all worth it.

Well, speaking to a Norwegian tabloid, the former girlfriend says it's hard to forgive what he did and that she did not appreciate him making their private issue so public.

Ah. Shit.

Well, you know what? Look at the bright side. You didn't get your girlfriend back, but every woman you date from now on knows you can't go three months without cheating. I mean, no things aren't going well for you when even Lindsey Vonn is like,

this guy's having a bad week. I mean, what a mess. This is why I'm always saying we need to keep men out of men's sports. You don't see the women's teams having this much drama.

In the women's 15K individual biathlon, the gold goes to Julia Simone of France.

Last fall, she was found guilty by a French court of theft and credit card fraud and given a three-month suspended prison sentence after stealing the credit card numbers of a teammate.

What?

What? What?

What is it about this sport where you voluntarily freeze your genitals off in spandex and shoot guns that attracts so many lunatics? And, you know, and to be fair to her, it's-it's not right to steal, but what do you think skiing with a gun

even pays these days? You know, nobody's hiring. She probably gets one or two contracts a year to kill James Bond, but that... that barely covers rent, you know? Moving on to something else going downhill,

America. Today, Congress heard testimony from Pam Bondi, attorney general and woman who stresses everyone out at book club, but it's not worth uninviting her, because that'll become a whole thing. She's a woman who stresses everyone out at book club, but it's not worth uninviting her, because that'll become a whole thing.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Congress had a lot of serious questions for her about everything from ICE to Epstein, and I'm sure she handled them with the grace and maturity we have come to expect from the Trump administration.

Are you kidding? I'm gonna answer the question. No way. I want gonna answer the question. No way, I wanna answer the question. I'm not gonna get in the gutter for her theatrics. Can I finish, please? I'm not being rude, please. She doesn't say how much money she took from Reid Hoffman, did you?

You don't tell me anything.

Yeah, oh, I did tell you because we saw what you did in the Senate.

You're a lawyer, not even a lawyer. I blame on you. You don't get to reclaim your time. Your time is up. This is so ridiculous.

Wow. I mean, you could do something like that in Congress, but when I do it in a Chili's, I get banned for life?

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

To be fair, though, you'd be in a bad mood, too, if you'd spent the last month redacting images of old man generals from the Epstein files.

Allegedly.

Keep in mind, this is not how these hearings traditionally go. The attorney general used to carry some level of seriousness and gravitas. It's only recently that they'd spend a congressional hearing acting like a bratty senior

who got called into the principal's office. Suck my d**k, Principal Gilbert. I already got to ASU. You can eat it. Now, look, look, her performance upset a lot of people because they were hoping for justice for Jeffrey Epstein's victims.

But for Pam Bondi, there's only one victim in all of this.

Have you apologized to President Trump? Have you apologized to President Trump? All of you. I find it interesting that she keeps going to President Trump have you apologized to President Trump all of you I find it interesting that she keeps going after President Trump the greatest president in American history You sit here, and you attack the president, and I am not going to have it He is the most transparent president in the nation's history

Donald Trump the Dow the Dow right now is over... The Dow is over $50,000. I don't know why you're laughing.

Hold on. Oh, okay. Hold on.

Come, you know, if you're gonna embarrass yourself on national television like that, at least win a bronze medal first.

-♪ I'm a... ♪ -♪ I'm a... ♪

-♪ I'm a... ♪ -♪ I'm a... ♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪ -♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪ -♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪

-♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪

-♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪ -♪ I'm a man who's got a lot of money ♪ For decades now, the only bridge between Canada and Detroit has been the Ambassador Bridge. But in Trump's first term, Canada started construction on the Gordie Howe Bridge. And Trump was so excited about it that he even got a little poetic.

America is deeply fortunate to have a neighbor like Canada. We have before us the opportunity to build even more bridges, and bridges of cooperation, and bridges of commerce.

Wow. Wow.

Remember when he used to pretend to try?

-♪ ♪ -♪ Ah.

At the time, we were like, look at him phoning in diplomacy. Now we're like, dear God, please phone in some diplomacy. Anyway, the point is, the bridge is almost complete, which will soon open up a public crossing that will enrich both our nations. It's called diplomacy. Anyway, the point is, the bridge is almost complete, which will soon open up a public crossing

that will enrich both our nations. Trump must be so excited for this new era of U.S.-Canadian friendship.

This morning, President Trump threatening to block the opening of a brand-new bridge between Canada and the U.S.

I will not allow this bridge to open until the United States is fully compensated for everything we have given them?

Or...

f-ck friendship. After all, what has friendship ever done for Trump other than associate him with the world's largest sex trafficking ring? Oh. Still, still, Mr. President, this bridge is a win-win. Canada is paying for all of it, and they're going to share ownership with Michigan.

We get a public bridge instead of having to pay tolls to the billionaire owner of the Ambassador Bridge. Why would the president oppose that?

The owner of the older Ambassador Bridge, Matthew Maroon, lobbied the Trump administration on the same day the president unleashed his tirade about the Gordy House ban.

Oh, I see. You were for it, then one of your donors called you, and you immediately turned against it. I mean, say what you want about Trump. He is always transparent with his corruption. You never have to follow the money with him, you know?

The money is like, I'm going to Donald Trump, I'll drop you a pin.

Well done, Mr. Jordan! Looks like you solved me riddle.

I-I... Wait. Who-who said that?

Tis I, the troll of the Gordie Howe Bridge. -♪ ♪ -♪ of the Gordie Howe Bridge. It seemed you solved the riddle of the bridge dispute. Give Trump a bribe and you'll have your root.

Yeah, it wasn't that hard. The answer with Trump is probably always a bribe.

But if true, Puzzle Master ye be, then see if ye can answer these riddle three.

I'm sorry, I actually have a show to do. Riddle one!

Okay.

If two companies want profits to surge, they'll need this in order to merge.

If two companies want to merge, I'm guessing you try to give Trump a bribe?

-$%&!

Aren't you clever?

No. No, I'm not. The answer is just always going to be... -"Bribe number two!"

If thou desires an ocean for drilling,

only this will make Trump willing.

Uh, again, I'm gonna guess a bribe.

What? Where are you getting these answers from? Did you hack my laptop?

Bridge trolls have laptops?

Yes!

And the password is impenetrable.

Is the password bribe? -$%&! $%&!

$%&! Riddle number three.

$%&!

If a 20-year sex trafficking sentence ye face... $%&! With this, your punishment may be erased.

Oh, wow. Yeah, you know, this is a tough one. Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I've got you now, mister!

Is it a bribe?

Mother-fucker!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Troll. Troll. Trump is just not that complicated. It always comes down to a bribe. Why are you even guarding a bridge anyway?

Because I tried to bribe Trump by buying his crypto, but then it crashed, and I lost everything. So I live here now.

Oh. I... I'm sorry. That's... that's very sad.

I know. I just, like...

honestly, I could really use a place to stay until I like get back up on my feet.

-$5,000.

$5,000. $5,000.

$5,000.

Well, good luck to you. Um, I guess we're done here.

Not just yet. If you wish to end your bout,

permit me to crash on your couch.

I mean, we're not even rhyming now.

You know, these... You know, these...

Okay, Gordie Howe bridge troll, everyone.