Comedians roast Trump's Iran war | Have I Got News For You

Everybody watch the clip and tell me what is the story?

Okay, well, it's this guy. We all love him.

He's learning about new cities.

And it's about the wet man. Oh, and the sad boy. The story is about what is happening in Iran, and I-I forget what we're allowed to call it.

The story is Operation Epic Fury, the United States and Israel's latest military strikes against Iran, security apparatus. Let's get down to it. First question for the panel.

Are we at war?

Yeah. Yeah, of course it's a war.

How do you know? How does... What makes... Define a war?

I-I know when I see it.

It's like pornography.

It's the same thing. You could call it a distraction from the Epstein files. You could call it... Yeah, sure. You could call it a favor to Israel. Whatever you like. Oh, less applause for that one, I noticed.

As Michael said, it is like pornography in that all the people at the White House watching it have a boner.

Oh, yeah.

Is it a war? Is it not a war? The one group of people you shouldn't be asking for a straight answer is Republicans.

We may have casualties that often happens in war.

I don't know if this is technically a war.

Strategic strikes are not war.

We set the terms of this war.

We're not at war right now.

I wouldn't call this a war as much as I'd call it a conflict that should be very short and sweet.

I have to go back and look miss the war as much as I'd call it a conflict that should be very short and sweet.

I have to go back and look at the war.

I'll tell you, it'll be a war

when Trump claims that he stopped it.

Yes.

Oh. Ohio Rep. Mike Turner is a member of the House Committee on Armed Services. What's his opinion about the W word?

There's a difference between using the term of a... the aspect of during the conflict of the-the environment of war versus it being a war war. This is a... this is a military conflict.

You ever been accused of cheating, but, like... -? -...but it wasn't sex? You was just like... you just, like... just a tip, like... Is this... is this just the tip of war?

I was gonna say, he sounded like when Bill Clinton said, that depends what your definition of is is.

Is or was, uh, Iran an imminent threat to the United States and its allies?

Well, it sure as fuck is now. I mean, it's-it's... Obviously, there's all sorts of sorts of possible threats in the world but but the actions that have been taken without any kind of planning at all is Only going to result in an increased threat and more threats and threat of World War three

And that's the part I don't like is that we did

Wait a minute, I agree with Amber I don't like the World War III part either.

Here's South Carolina Senator and Huckleberry Hound impersonator Lindsey Graham with a little bit of a clarification.

Any regime that embraces a cult of death that's killed Americans, vows to kill Americans in the future is an imminent threat. And it doesn't have to be imminent to me, because you don't want it to be imminent. The whole idea is for it not to be imminent, dumbass.

We've all had a word of the day calendar before, and imminent seems to be his for now. And so the thought is, I guess, we'll be the direct threat

before anyone's an imminent one to us.

When he describes an imminent threat as anybody who can kill Americans and has designs on Americans, he's describing the Trump administration.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ Oh, I'm not joining in. I'm the host.

So, we're still iffy on calling it a war. Question to the panel. What name did Florida Congressman John Rutherford have for the military action in Iran?

Marcus. Congressman John Rutherford have for the military action in Iran Marcus

Thanks to a typo in a press release sent by the Florida rep

John kicked off a whole wave of memes when he called it

Operation epic furry, right?

Which led to memes like this being posted. Now, some people are calling it a war. Some people are calling it a regime change. But it all means the same thing. People are losing their lives. Question, how is Secretary Hexheff honoring the American service members who have already lost their lives in this operation?

You be Hexheff, how do you feel about the death of the troops?

No troops have died. You died. I'll kill you. You be Hexeth, how do you feel about the death of the troops? No troops have died. You died.

I'll kill you.

You're close. Really? Here's Hexeth.

When a few drones get through or tragic things happen, it's front page news. I get it. The press only wants to make the president look bad.

But try for once to report the reality. How inconsiderate... -...of those soldiers to be killed in war just to make the president look bad.

Trump doesn't need the press to make him look bad. That's what his hands are for.

-...or his noosey.

Last time we talked about that.

Wouldn't you just be rushing to be like, our fucking heroes, we love them so much. They gave their lives for... This man was like, who? Where? You are...

Now for bonus points, who did Secretary Hicks blame for pushing this narrative about dead soldiers ahead of the success of the mission thus far.

Bad Bunny.

Megan Markle.

Black people.

Did you just go straight to black people?

Like...

Am I right? I-I feel right.

He blamed a TV network, so try again.

BET.

Shh!

Ha! U BET. Shh! -♪♪♪♪ UPN. Shh!

The WB.

-♪♪♪♪

Here's who Caroline Leavitt blamed on Wednesday.

The press does only want to make the president look bad. That's a... that's a fact. Especially you. No, listen to me.

Especially you and especially CNN.

Good job, you guys. Yeah, fuck CNN!

Oh, I got it.

I got it.

Marco Rubio says that this mission in Iran is all about objectives.

The objective of this mission is the destruction of their ballistic missile capabilities and of their naval capabilities. I'm telling you what the objectives of this operation are. That's the objective of the mission. That's the objective of the mission. That's the objective of this mission.

Our objectives are missiles. I don't know how long it'll take. We have objectives. We will do this as long as it takes to achieve those objectives, and we will achieve those objectives.

We've all had a word of the day calendar.

What are we doing in Iran?

Objectives. According to Pete Hicksoff, the purpose for being in Iran is all about one thing.

This was never meant to be a fair fight. And it is not a fair fight. We are punching them while they're down, which is

exactly how it should be.

What?

Listen, listen. Terrible war speech, inspiring football locker room halftime speech right there. You remember, remember the Titans before they ran the trick play at the end of the game? You blitz all night! Make sure they never forget the night they played the Titans!

Do you think anyone here knows what you're talking about?

Nope. Before a Medal of Honor ceremony this week, Trump explained how exciting he thought the strikes were.

They said, oh, well, if the president wants to do it really quickly after that, he'll get bored. I don't get bored. There's nothing boring about this. Do you agree with that, Pete? No, we don't get bored.

I never get bored. If I got bored, I wouldn't be standing here right now, I guarantee you that.

Isn't this the same man who fell asleep at his own trial?

Okay.

Question, what was the big takeaway from Trump's comments at that Medal of Honor ceremony?

Well, he's a little sensitive about lasting a long time.

I'm not worried.

He's always claiming things are longer than they actually are. I'm gonna make a sex joke too. I just have to think of it.

The big take away from the Medal of Honor ceremony is that the president is focused on domestic matters.

We have a lot of great service members here with us too in this beautiful building. Isn't it beautiful? See that nice drape? When that comes down right now, you see a very, very deep hole. But in about a year and a half from now, you're gonna see a very, very beautiful building. And there's your entrance to it right there.

I picked those drapes in my first term. I always like gold. But I think we can save a lot of money.

I just saved, I just saved curtains. You ever wonder if Melania gets nervous when Trump talk about digging holes out in the yard?

If he's digging holes on the golf course, then yeah, she's got something to worry about.

Yeah, but.

I'm just saying that's where he buried his first wife.

People are upset about Trump meandering on and rambling about drapes at a Medal of Honor ceremony because they think he should be focused on whatever the hell this nasty-ass rash is on his face.

That's what I'm saying.

You gotta dab some Diet Coke on that, brother.

You got it.

This is like the thing that shows up in a zombie movie where all the people, all the survivors kick you out of the community.

This shit roll with me, baby. I'm good. I'm good. Operations in Iran began at 1.15 a.m. Eastern time on February 28th, which is kind of an odd time, but I think we've all made bad decisions at 1 o'clock in the morning, so that's fair. Uh, but Trump actually gave the order for the 1.15 a.m. strikes at 3.38 p.m.

almost ten hours earlier the day before question where did Trump go after deciding to bomb Iran Epstein's Island no it's a uniquely Texas spot the Cinnabon at the San Antonio airport. The airport. Trump stopped at a Whataburger in Corpus Christi, Texas. Check it out.

I'm going to order something. Now, OK, you ready?

Can you handle this?

Hamburgers for all. I'm going to get some stuff for Air Force One, and I'm going to get the hell out of here, all right?

I took you hamburgers for the whole place, okay?

You know for a fact he didn't pay for a single hamburger. He was like, everyone gets one.

Let's play the feud. Everybody watch the clip. Tell me what is the story.

That's the Italian flag.

That's wet, man.

Oh, straight up for a moose.

Oh, that's expensive. That's expensive. What's the Italian flag. That's wet, man. Oh, straight up for a moose. Oh, that's expensive. That's expensive.

What's the story?

We're living in hell?

The story is the war in Iran, the administration is selling it, but is anybody buying it, is the bigger question. Now, I think we can all agree that the best option is to not have a war. But as the great Slim Charles said on The Wire, once you in it, you in it.

Mm-hmm.

So question to the American government, how's that timeline thing going?

President Trump also telling Time Magazine this week

that quote, I have no time limits on anything.

President Trump told CBS News, quote,

I think the war is very complete, pretty much.

We won, we won the bet in the first hour it was over. When it's over, and I don't think it's going to be long. When are you going to know when it's over?

When I feel it.

OK.

I feel it in my bones.

It seems as though we've moved away from weeks and just onto vibes.

It is. War is vibes. Everybody knows that famous quote. No, that's not from Barack Obama. So now, the administration says that there's only one person that's in charge of calling the shots on this war. Who is that person?

Netanyahu.

The ghost of Jeffrey Epstein.

Oh!

If he's dead.

If he's dead.

The person that's making the decisions is actually the exact person you wish it wasn't.

The president has set a very specific mission to accomplish and so it's not for me to posit whether it's the beginning the

middle or the end. I love wet man. That man just it's so drenched at all times. Is he doing drugs and it's just making him a juicy boy? Every day. I tell you

what when I watch him speak I turn into a juicy boy as well.

Are you saying that our Secretary of War does like 40 burpees before every press conference and it just comes out, just check them reddit?

And then he shadow boxes and does a lot of like, you are a defense secretary.

How are Republicans as a whole feeling about the war, gang?

Nobody wants this war. Well, except...

Netanyahu.

Yeah, that's right. Nobody's into it. Nobody. The Republicans are gone, the Democrats were never there. Who is this for?

According to White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt, quote, Republicans are unanimously supportive of President Trump's bold decision to launch combat operations. Ah, yes. The only thing Republicans are unanimous about is that they hate taxes and they hate good haircuts.

-.

Oh, my God.

Is it true that the Republicans are unanimous in supporting this war, is what Caroline Leavitt's saying? Is that the right thing?

Well, she's always told the truth.

That's right. Well, she's always told the truth. That's right.

Yeah, she's.

I haven't seen a lot of Republicans coming out, like, full-throated. I should rephrase that. I haven't seen a lot of Republicans.

One Republican that has been coming out in full support is South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham. What do you mean you ain't got no more mint juleps? What the hell? Lindsey Graham has been salivating for war with Iran for years, and now that it's happening, oh, boy, he's happy, and he's got no time for people who disagree with him.

So, we have a commander-in-chief in President Trump who I think is Ronald Reagan plus, plus, plus. If President Trump had not done this, they could have had a nuclear capability within months a week's not months to all those who don't believe that you're stupid.

You're a full.

He's just like the president who had Alzheimer's plus plus

plus.

What is president Trump now calling the military action in

Iran, it's a rondelay. Is it a jaunt with missiles?

That's a pretty solid guess.

I think I do know.

Is it an excursion?

It's just a little excursion, baby.

Just a few missiles, baby.

Why you tripping?

And the president makes it perfectly clear that he has his priorities in order.

We did a little excursion. We had to take this little couple of weeks, few weeks of excursion, but it's been incredible. Our military is unbelievable, the job they're doing. So we had to take an excursion, but it's doing well. The market's holding up well.

You just said it is a little excursion, and you said it is a war.

So which one is it?

Well, it's both.

Did you see how many times he circled back to say excursion? He's really trying to get it to take.

Loves that word.

Well, when you're going through late stage dementia, certain things get stuck in your brain on a loop. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone here. Our audience all has late stage nerves.

The Merriam-Webster definition of excursion, a usually brief pleasure trip.

Oh my god.

Where's the pleasure part of this excursion?

You didn't see Lindsey Graham in that talking head.

He seemed like he's having extreme pleasure right now.

But it's also like, whatever, improv, right? Yes, and? He just yes ands them in this grand circle. It's like, well, thank you. It is both. You are brilliant.

Oh yeah, excursion and a war. That's it.

How is the war actually going? No matter how much we bomb them, Iran has control of a very, very important piece of geography within the region. What are they in control of over there?

The Hard Rock Cafe Tehran.

What piece of geography is Iran in control of?

The Strait of Hormuz.

The dire Straits of Hormuz.

It is the Strait of Hormuz. See Ned, trying to just put the tip in.

Oh, boy.

We have to look at it.

Put the picture back up. It look like it's throwing it back. No, it wouldn't fit up. The Strait is one of the most important energy choke points. One fifth of all crude oil flows through there.

That's why G. Graham likes it. It's a choke point. Now I get it.

Here's the spokesman for Iran's military command.

We will never allow even a single liter of oil to pass through the Strait of Hormuz for the benefit of the United States, the Zionists, or their partners.

I did not think he sounded like that.

That's crazy.

How is it, after all this time, there's still just one path, the most important path of resources in the world, and no one's like, you know, you can just go that way?

Like, there's just one path.

There is another road, the Gay of Hormuz, but it's much... much more... You like that? It's much more complicated.

What else did Iran reportedly do to the Strait of Hormuz that made headlines?

Oh, they're mining the shit out of it right now.

On Tuesday, it was reported that Iran was laying mines in the Strait. Trump was quick to address this news, uh, posting on, uh, Truth Social, quote, if Iran has put out any mines in the Strait of Hormuz, we want them removed immediately.

If for any reason mines were placed and they were not removed forthwith, the military consequences to Iran will be at a level never seen before.

Oh, shit, new Trump truth just dropped. General, general. Ibrahim, pick up the mines.

We got to do a forthwith!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! General! General! General! General! General! General!

General!

General!

General! General! General! General! General! He spoke to reporters at the White House on Wednesday, but before we get to what he said, please check out this photo from the impromptu press briefing.

Whoa.

Yeah, there's a honey-baked president right there, boy.

The makeup is shrieking from his eye. You see that? He sweats so much, all of a sudden, he's like,

It's me, Jeffrey Epstein!

Here's Trump's advice for ships in the Strait of Hormuz.

Are you talking to CEOs of various oil companies, encouraging them to use the Strait of Hormuz right now?

I think they should. I think they should use it.

Yeah, that could happen. Go ahead.

Go on. Get it.

Why not? It's going like this.

Iran repeatedly attacking the flow of Middle East oil. At least six ships targeted in the last 24 hours. Overnight, two oil tankers hit off southern Iraq. Video circulating online showing one of them ablaze. President Trump still sounding optimistic, claiming the vital Strait of Hormuz is in, quote,

great shape.

Yes, that shape is a mushroom cloud.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Yes, that shape is a mushroom cloud. Now, obviously, the violence and uncertainty is impacting gas prices, which have risen 65 cents a gallon nationwide. Panel, how high do you think gas prices are going to go before it's all over?

Seven dollars.

I live in California. It is seven dollars now. I know, that's right. Yeah, that's why I drive a zero guilt vehicle a Tesla, but

No, I'm kidding I drive an oil tanker

They grow like a paternity test episode like you bad dad that came out Right now oil costs about $100 a barrel but Iran says we need to get ready for oil to cost $200 a barrel. Here's Energy Secretary Chris Wright with

the response. Do you agree that people need to be prepared for that? We're going

through short-term energy disruption for just huge long-term gain. You're seeing Iran's behavior.

Could that in short-term mean $200 a barrel?

I would say unlikely.

That means yes, it's going up to $200 a barrel.

I love it when people pretend there's a delay. You know? I mean, there's a delay. You know?

I mean, there was a delay.

It was in his brain.

What is the story?

OK, this is our best friend. And that is a map.

Straight up from Moose.

The doors are closed. So I'm just going to say this story is about how everyone hates us, and they're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I agree with that. Yes, the story is Donald Trump goes to war with the world and people abroad are not fans of it. But how's it going here at home? If you could say something to President Trump and he was

going to hear you right now, what would it be? You're a worthless pile of s**t. And you voted for him how many times? Three times. That was my bad.

Apparently, I'm an idiot.

The most honest person in America.

Three times.

Now as the war continues, President Trump seems perpetually surprised that Iran is actually fighting back during a war. So now Trump, a man who seems to burn bridges while he's only halfway across the bridge, has finally realized, oh dear, I need help from other countries. How's that getting help from other countries going?

Yeah, apparently when you do stuff without asking people, they don't want to help you

afterwards.

Here's Dan and Bash with how some of our allies responded.

Germany, this war has nothing to do with NATO. It's not NATO's war. UK, we will not be drawn into the wider war. Italy, Italy is not part of the conflict. Australia, we will not be sending a ship to the Strait of Hormuz.

Japan, we are proceeding with consideration.

We are considering his Japanese for fuck you.

When Trump met with the Japanese Prime Minister, Sanae Takashi, what happened in the meeting?

He thought it would be a great idea to make a joke about bombing Pearl Harbor.

Why didn't you tell your allies in Europe and Asia, like Japan, about the war before attacking Europe?

We didn't tell anybody about it because we wanted surprise. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Okay, why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?

Okay, right?

To be fair, he got some laughs in the room.

He got like two groans.

I'll take it.

I also love, he did the joke, it bombed. And then he goes, right?

Right.

Right. Ladies, you know what And then he goes, right? Huh? Right.

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about, right?

He made the attack without telling the other countries. Because normally in war, you go, hey, I'm going to go over there and punch him in the face. Make sure you got my back. But Trump, instead, punched people in the face, and then came back and go, hey, I just Would you mind helping me fight? Well... Here he is hedging his bets.

We have the strongest military by far in the world. We don't need them. But it's interesting. I'm almost doing it in some cases, not because we need them, but because I want to find out how they react.

Oh, he's going through the stages of grief.

That's denied.

According to Trump, it'll be, quote, very bad for the future of NATO if they don't help us.

He's going to bomb NATO.

Yeah.

He's going to bomb the hell out of NATO.

Britain's former chief of the defense staff doesn't want NATO to get pulled into this war.

NATO was created as a underlined four-time defensive alliance. It was not an alliance that was designed for one of the Allies to go on a war of choice and then oblige everybody else to follow. Is that red thing his heart rate? So now

Trump's in a bit of a pickle. He started a war that no one wants to help in and there's no clear way out of that war but Trump is a scrappy guy who's always overcome adversity and he's overcome adversity all by himself. He doesn't need people. Is Donald Trump a self-made man?

-$1.5 million.

$1.5 million.

The truth of the matter is that Donald Trump sees himself as self-made. In 2015, he was asked this question at an election town hall.

With the exception of your family,

have you ever been told no?

It has not been easy for me. And, you know, I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.

The only thing he made himself was that color.

From the very moment Donald Trump has started in business, there has always been somebody there to bail him out when he failed. And he has failed a lot. In fact, Wikipedia has a whole category called businesses of Donald Trump that went bankrupt.

And it has 24 separate pages. Question to the panel, what is your favorite failed Donald Trump business?

I like the Trump Taj Mahal going down.

That was always a big one.

The casino, the Atlantic City.

Yeah, because on behalf of India, fuck you.

Shit.

Well, of all the failed Trump businesses, there was this one.

The Sharper Image is one of my favorite stores with fantastic products of all kinds. That's why I'm thrilled they agree with me. Trump steaks are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word.

How many senses of the word are there? Yeah.

The bigger question is, why are you buying a steak at an electronics store? According to the former CEO of Sharper Image, quote, we literally sold almost no steaks. In every sense of the word. So the man who failed at casinos,

failed at hotels, failed at steaks, has gotten us into a war that he promised he would never start, and now he's resorting to what he always does when things aren't going his way. He blames other people. Does anyone know which one of our allies

Trump threw under the bus on Wednesday night?

He posted this long, true social rant about Israel bombing an oil and gas field that was jointly owned by Qatar and Iran. And Qatar is a US ally. And he said, Israel will never do that again. And Qatar, we're not going to bomb any more oil and gas

fields and tsk, tsk, shame on you.

That is correct. Points to you Ari. It was Israel. Wednesday night on Truth Social, Trump posted quote, Israel, out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East has violently lashed out

at a major facility in Iran. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack.

This particular.

You know how bad it's gotta be for Trump to distance himself from you? He's still kicking with Rudy Giuliani. So Trump is cornered, he's alienated his allies, angered his supporters, and even some of his own staff won't back him up.

There's only one option. Here's the president on Wednesday.

I wonder what would happen if we quote, finished off what's left of the Iranian terror state and let the countries that use it, we don't be responsible for the so-called straight. That would get some of our non-responsive allies in gear and fast, President DJT.

He misspelled straight.

Maybe it's like a Gulf of America type situation.

Right, right, right.

So from now on, that will be how it is spelled.

It's going to be.

Michael and Ari, watch the clip. Tell me, what is the story?

Capitol Hill.

OK.

Oh, that's that guy, Bruce Wayne.

Mark Wayne Mullen.

I'm going to go with Bruce Wayne. And then, Cruella De Vil.

Yes, of course.

Kash Patel. Tulsi Gabbard, Cash Patel, went to the Capitol. And like all meetings with Trump officials, talking to Congress people, it did not go well.

The story is, while Trump's focus is on other countries, the Senate was focused on domestic matters this last week at the confirmation hearing for Trump's nominee to head up the Department of Homeland Security. Senator Mark Wayne Mullen, look like a business casual

woodchuck right there.

He says there's going to be three more weeks of winter.

Three more weeks of winter!

Confirmation hearing is to hold the prospective appointees' feet to the fire. And there's nobody better to do the scrutinizing than Iowa Senator Joni Ernst.

I am going to say to the president, I am really upset that he has made your nomination. Why? Because I will be losing from the Senate one of the best friends that I have here, truly.

Ooh.

Siri, play End of the Road by Boyz II Men.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

One person really seemed to lead the charge against Senator Mullen in the hearing. Which Republican was it?

Was it Rand Paul?

The only senator who has his barber to make him look like the dude from the bear.

Look at that haircut.

Senator Paul gave a hard no vote against Mullen, adding quote, I think there are anger issues.

You did many interviews in which you justified the violence as historically justified by precedents, such as caning and dueling. What I was simply pointing out is some of the rules that still apply to this body. For instance, dueling with two consenting adults

is still there. I was pointing out what is still acceptable.

Been illegal for 170 years.

There's no precedent for legal dueling.

We should bring back dueling.

But only between two consenting adults.

Well, question, does anyone know where Ran and Mark Wayne's conflicts began?

When Ran Paul's neighbor beat the shit out of him, and then Mark Wayne Mullen said to Rand Paul, you asshole, you probably deserved it.

Point!

Yes, it did. Rand Paul was beefed with Mark Wayne goes all the way back to 2017 after Rand was assaulted by his neighbor in a property line dispute. After that, Mark Wayne repeatedly told a group of voters

that he understood completely why his neighbor might want to attack Senator Paul.

I don't know the details of this dispute with a neighbor, but I've lived in Washington and covered politics long enough to be able to say he is, let's just say, not one of the most beloved senators on Capitol Hill.

Why?

Well, I think you might want to ask his neighbor.

There seems to be another element of Mark Wayne's past that is coming back to haunt him right now. What part of Mullen's backstory is still being brought into question?

He was a stripper.

What would be Mark Wayne Mullen's stripper name?

Mark Wayne full on?

What?

Mark Wayne can say Mullen full on, like a full on. Like a boner? Like a boner, yes.

Oh, okay.

Earlier this month, Mark Wayne went on Fox News to defend our attacks on Iran, and he said this.

War is ugly, it smells bad, and if anybody's ever been there and been able to smell the war that's happened around you and taste it and fill it near nostrils and hear it it's something that you'll never forget fact check true.

Okay, but can you taste it can you taste I personally have

never tasted it, but maybe he's been in wars that I haven't covered as a journalist so I'm not going to not going to yuck his young.

What is the story? All right.

It's that guy.

Who's that man?

Oh, it's Ireland. It's green.

PSA.

This is any airport in America right now, and that's gas.

Yeah.

And that guy is fucked.

We're painted into a corner in Iran.

Also, I mean, it seems like a big story. You got gas prices. You got the Strait of Hormuz. You got gas prices, you got the Strait of Hormuz, you got the airports, you got all kinds of stuff. Nish, what do you got?

I'd like to start by saying that I'm here on a work visa. So I just want to be incredibly clear. I am gonna be telling people that I'm Kash Patel's nephew.

Can you do the ah, sir? You got to do the ah. The story is with the rhyme fighting back and global economic catastrophe looming, it seems that President Trump has painted himself into a bit of a corner with this war, I guess we're still calling it.

It's an excursion.

Whatever the hell you want to call it. It is definitely a war we have already won, right? Look, here's Caroline Levin on Wednesday summing it up.

President Trump does not bluff, and he is prepared to unleash hell. Any violence beyond this point will be because the Iranian regime refused to understand they have already been defeated.

-♪♪

Okay.

Doesn't that sound like a threat from, like, Bane from Batman? Yeah, yeah. You refuse to understand. You have already been defeated.

Hey, hey, hey, watch that accent, Roy. My culture is not your costume.

OK.

Well, it's a little unclear on whether or not we've won the war or not. But coming into this week, Trump backed himself into a corner.

How did he get himself out of that corner this week? He said, if you don't open the Strait of Hormuz in 48 hours, I'm going to bomb the shit out of you and all your energy stuff. And they were like, yeah, OK, bro. And then 48 hours later, he was like, you know what? We're going to give it five days.

And then yesterday, he was like, you know what? We're going to give it 10 days, because negotiations are going so well. He's not negotiating with anybody.

You know what he should say is, have you heard about the Epstein files or something?

Let's get back to them.

Why would that be a problem with the president posting that he's having negotiations with them?

Because it's not true?

Not true.

Double points.

Because it might not have been true.

Iran State TV says that Trump capitulated.

There are no direct or indirect talks taking place with the Trump regime.

I'm not thrilled that I trust Iranian State TV more than I trust my president. I believe them. I don't believe him.

Our president insists that this deal is very real.

They want very much to make a deal. We'd like to make a deal too. If it goes well, we're gonna end up with settling this. Otherwise, we'll just keep bombing our little hearts out.

Now, to the people in the relationship up here on the panel, is that an effective negotiating strategy? Let's work this out, or I will blow up our home.

Are we taking relationship advice from Donald Trump? Isn't being in a relationship the only thing he's worse at than being president?

Yes.

But yes, according to the president, if you don't take the deal, we will blow up the table, or as Pete Hexhuff put it, the next day. We negotiate with bombs.

President has made it clear that you will not have a nuclear weapon. The War Department agrees. Our job is to ensure that. And so we're keeping our hand on that throttle as long as it's hard as it's necessary.

That's right. As long and as hard. Keep your hand on that long and hard throttle. If that throttle's hard for more than four hours, you call a doctor.

Whenever I see Hexer and Trump together on TV, I always think, yeah, this is a declining empire. And to be fair, I've come from a declining empire.

Well, to be fair, you come from a fully declined empire.

And let me tell you, lean into the decline, baby.

Let it all hang out.

Well, we don't know for sure who's negotiating on the Iranian side. Here's who's involved in the deal on our side.

J.D. is involved, and Marko's involved, and Jared Kushner's involved, very smart guy, and Steve Whitkoff, smart guy, is involved.

And I'm involved.

I'm involved.

Why? I'm going to be so big, oh, I don't want to talk about it. The President of the United States, Tom.

Did it seem like he was surprised that he was involved?

Just received the news.

Out of that cast of characters in Trump's cabinet, who does the Iranian government want to talk with the most?

Vance.

I don't think anyone has ever wanted to talk to J.D. Vance. And I would include his wife and children in that list.

Here's the answer.

We're hearing from sources at CNN who tell my colleague, Kylie Atwood, that Iran has actually expressed a preference for engaging in talks with the vice president, J.D. Vance. One of the sources told us that the perception is that Vance would be intent on wrapping up the conflict more so than the other officials.

Also, J.D. Vance is the most likely to become the new American Ayatollah, so it does make

some sense.

You know for a fact that they insist on having J.D. Vance because they want to see if his head is really that size. They're going to be like, hey welcome, try this hat on.

A little snug, right?

He's a one man argument against the concept of white supremacy. Now our administration is saying that the war is starting to ramp down, they say that the Iranian excursion is almost over. Question though, what signs are happening right now that might indicate that we're still

at war?

Bombs.

Bombs.

What comes after the bombs?

Didn't they send another 10,000 troops?

Troops. Points right there, yes! But comes after the bombs. Didn't they send another 10,000 troops? True.

Points right there, yes!

The Wall Street Journal reports that the Pentagon is weighing sending another 10,000 U.S. ground troops to the Middle East. That's according to Department of Defense officials with knowledge of the planning.

Yeah, because we won. We're going to have the ticker tape parade with all those troops in the middle of Tehran. And they're all going to be greeting us like liberators.

Our president has sent the troops, but surely he has a good reason for sending the troops. He knows more about the conflict than anyone.

Anyone.

How does our president get his daily updates about what is happening in Iran?

So he has folded up a cootie catcher. And then when you come in, He asked you your favorite color and then number and then he flips that open and that will tell him what has happened.

Military officials make Trump a video update that shows the biggest most successful strikes which typically runs for about two minutes and mostly shows clips of stuff blowing up.

I'm actually surprised he can pay attention for two minutes.

I know, I had the under on that mug.

Yeah, I know.

Two minutes, that's pretty great.

He's 100% watching that on the toilet. I'm sorry to tell you, there is no way that man is not watching that.

He's getting a video compilation of a war that has the potential to reshape the entire world that lasts shorter than the top ten highlights on SportsCenter.

But once again, from a visa perspective, I think that is very smart, and it frees him up to think about other things in the day.

So, on Thursday, the president said Iran is still begging to make a deal.

They are begging to make a deal, not me. They're begging to make a deal. The Iranian regime is now admitting to itself that they have been decisively defeated. They're saying to people, this is a disaster.

Let's get back to the whole war thing now. In the midst of all of this back and forth of whether or not we're winning the war, losing the war, whether or not there is a war, Iran has found a new weapon to fight back against America and Trump specifically. Question, what is Iran's new weapon against Trump?

Oh, videos, those crazy videos, those crazy AI videos.

Hey, Taram, you are fired. You are familiar with this sentence. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Do you think Trump just think that was Mom Donny from New York City?

Here's another Iranian video trolling Trump. And they did it using his favorite toy, Lego suits. Legos. Lean into the decline of America.

Join us in the expired military powers pile.

Yeah, this week's golden slot bucket for biggest mess at home goes to America's airports.

Americans suffer hours-long wait times at some of the nation's largest airports.

Sneaking around three different floors.

Probably about a quarter of a mile from the main checkpoint area.

The line continues to go.

What is the problem with the airports right now?

They aren't paying TSA.

So then TSA workers aren't showing up.

Are they quick?

The TSA has been on the verge of a total meltdown for over a month thanks to congressional failure to pass DHS funding. But in the wee hours of Friday morning, the Senate approved funding for most of DHS. The Senate wakes up Friday morning, they go, we're going to pay TSA. We're not going to give more money to ICE. House has to just do the same thing. Everybody gets paid. How do you think the House voted?

They didn't and then went on vacation.

Oh, shit.

New legislature, who this?

Double points. The Republicans said, not in this House.

Breaking news in the fight to fund the Department of Homeland Security. Just last hour, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson railed against the bill that unanimously passed in the Republican-led Senate overnight. One of Mike Johnson'sed against the bill that unanimously passed in the Republican-led Senate overnight.

One of Mike Johnson's issues with the funding package was that it didn't include funding for ICE, who, mind you, is already flush with cash thanks to last year's big, beautiful bill. Here's Johnson.

The Republicans are not gonna be a party to this. They have taken hostage the funding processes of government so that they can impose their radical agenda on the American people when we can't have any part of it.

Yes, the radical agenda of paying TSA workers. Yes, the radical agenda of paying TSA workers.

You know, he's going to make a great contestant on Dancing with the Stars.