Count Binface has pledged to run against Reform UK leader Nigel Farage in Clacton. #BBCNews

I was on my way back home to Sigma -9, bit of R &R, and an old Nigel throws his toys out of the pram, has a hissy fit, calls an unnecessary by -election, I got wind of that, I've turned around the Starship pronto, how about that?Lovely.

What is your appeal going to be to the people of Clacton?

I'm not Nigel Farage.

I'm assuming from that that you are going to be sparse when it comes to policy promises.

How dare you?I've got a full and costed manifesto, Justin.It's just that, you know, I like to tailor it to each constituency.I mean, some of my national policies will remain.I pledge to build at least one affordable house.I will nationalise Adele.

I heard your bid about the water.And I'll make water bosses have to take a dip in British rivers to see how they like it.I'll price cap 99 flakes at 99 pence.I think the Clacton folk will like that one.And so it goes on.But if you'd done some research, you'd know that.

Can you win?Probably not.But then, you know, my job is to celebrate and defend the wonders of British democracy.