Count Binface: 'I'd be happy with one vote'

How many votes do you think you're going to get?Well, I'd be happy with one.Why are you standing in this election?Just a stunt?It's A, because it's happening.B, I was at a loose end.

C, because I believe elected mayors should serve out their terms before they're eligible to stand for Parliament.

You've made a sensible political, serious political point there.Well, no, you're supposed to be impartial, mate, so let me carry on.

I'm going to rephrase the traffic lights on Liverpool Road.I'll price cap wick and kebabs at £2.I'll make cyclists who disobey the highway code have to ride unicycles instead.And I will turn HS2 into FFS1 and reroute it...You're not going to swear, are you?No, no, no, no, I'm perfectly... although we are past the watershed, No, no, no.

We don't want you swearing, please.

I promise I won't.I'm a good boy.No, but I'm going to reroute it through Rail Executive's homes.I'm going to build at least one affordable house.I mean, I could go on.

Do you live in the constituency?

I do tonight.

Well, it sounds as though you don't.Well, do you?No, of course not.I don't live here, no.

So why should I?

Well, a lot of candidates like to boast that they're local.You're obviously not too concerned about that.

Well, I'm looking at the putative Prime Minister, Nigel Farage.He spends more time in America than in Clapton.If I win, I swear...That's not going to happen.Well, exactly.So I'm going to say, I swear I'll move to Makefield if I win.

OK, all right.

I'm sure they'll all be delighted.