Count Binface reacts to 'hilarious' chance of becoming an actual MP

Yesterday, you may remember, we reported on Nigel Farage's decision to resign his seat of Clacton -on -Sea to trigger a by -election.

I've thought about it hard and I've decided today, today I will resign as a Member of Parliament for Clacton -on -Sea, thereby forcing a by -election, which should happen, I hope, in short order.No, I've decided that the people of Clacton should be the judges of my actions.This will be a people versus the establishment by -election.

But what I hadn't fully thought through at the time was that with only one candidate standing against him, Count Binface, it is possible that Binface beats Farage.We are, after all, the country which voted to christen a ship Boaty McBoatface.We have a long tradition of subversive humour.And I don't know, but I wouldn't rule anything out.Anyway, this periodic visitor from another galaxy has policies which may prove popular in Clacton.Nationalising model railways, for instance, and also nationalising Adele.

Renaming London Bridge Phoebe Wallow Bridge.And, of course, moving the hand dryer in the men's toilet in Uxbridge's Crown and Treaty pub to a more sensible position.He joined me a little earlier.I asked him, has he contemplated the worrying possibility that he might actually win this by -election?

Well, I mean, Andrew, thank you for your question.I mean, of course, I've computed every eventuality, and there is a small, a bit like Avengers Endgame, there is a small window of opportunity within which I actually become an MP.That is something which I think the British people would find hilarious, the rest of humanity would find hilarious, and dare I say, I would find hilarious too.

And, of course, in terms of Nigel Farage's framing of this campaign, you now representthe entire British establishment.

Yes, quite.Well, I've been waiting for this, to be honest with you, Andrew.I mean, where's my invite to the Spectator Summer Party, to the Garrick Club, to Wimbledon Royal Box, to last night at the proms?Because I tell you this, if I am part of the establishment, I'm getting NFI'd to a lot of the good stuff.

Very good.And in terms of your actual policies, I read out a few of them earlier on.What do you think is going to resonate most with the people of Clapton?Clapton's in London.I know.I keep I'm a Londoner.

Sorry.

Well, I'm from Sigma 9 and I get it right.You've got no excuse.No, I take your point.You've got a lot of places to deal with.

For the people of Clacton, Clapton or anywhere else, what is the signature policy that's going to take you over the line?

Well, this is the thing, you see, Andrew.I mean, I'm not actually on the ballot yet.You know how it works.I need to persuade 10 humans who live in Clacton to nominate me.And indeed, other candidates can do that, too.That's the wonder of democracy.

And should I get on the ballot, then naturally I will have a fully costed suite of policies that mixes the national and the local.But you can guarantee that I'll be looking at my price capping of 99 flicks at 99 pence.I mean, it's a seaside town.That's got to be an easy win, wouldn't you say?I think so.I think so.

National policies, nationalise Adele, build at least one affordable house, tie nurses' pay to that of ministers, Rename London Bridge after Phoebe Waller.Bring back Ceefax.And of course, move the hand dryer in the gents toilets at the Crown and Treaty pub, Uxbridge, to a more sensible position.Because as you can imagine, that's a national issue.

It certainly is.It certainly is.discussed on the show already because it is so important.If you got elected, do you realise that you would not be able to wear your current facial covering?The Commons rules, which I've got in front of me here, are very, very clear and they forbid face coverings.

Well, I mean, the Commons rules are very clear about what you can do with donations.But that seems to have got all murky, so why can't I see how the line can get tested?I mean, look, if Black Rod... can slip in under the guidelines.Why can't I?It smacks of double standards, Andrew.

Well, let me just read you, for the sake of clarity, what it actually says.Clothing should demonstrate respect for the house and uniforms, large slogan bearing items and other forms of demonstrative dress are generally not considered in order.I'm just closing my eyes and looking forward to you actually taking the oath.

Well, look, Andrew, I'm not a lawyer, but let's just pick on two words there.Demonstrative.I'm not demonstrative.This is just who I am.I'm a recyclon.It would be binist of the speaker to attack me for that one.

And then you also use the phrase generally.So if there's not wriggle room there, then where is there?I say bring it on.

And in terms of your Allegiance to the King, which you'd have to swear if you became an MP.You come from another galaxy.Would you swear allegiance to Charles III?

Well, I understand you can just cross your fingers now and everything's hunky -dory.Is that right?

It's not right.I don't think it is, but some have done it.It's true.It has been done before.Just coming back to the campaign itself.Is there a danger that, for instance, the monster -raving Looney Party stands and splits the anti -Farage vote?

I think more to the point, I think the danger would be for us that they would split the reform votes.because they're actually to that side of the political spectrum.And I'm not entirely kidding on that one.So, you know, no, I'm quietly confident.And, you know, like I say, it's democracy.Let the people of Clacton have their say.

There'll be plenty of candidates.I doubt it will be a two horse race.I mean, hey, in this day and age, you might have candidates dressed up as horses.It's fair game.

It's fair game.This is all about really how Nigel Farage has funded himself or been funded.Can I therefore ask a serious question?Who funds Count Binface?

Good question.Well, Count Binface principally.I got me old space piggy bank.It's quite, I have to say, you know, I don't want to do a pen and teller here and lift the lid on the election process, but to be an MP, it's actually remarkably affordable.500 quid.to stand for an election.

That's a bargain.Do you know how much it is to stand for London Mayor?

I have absolutely no idea.£10 ,000!£10 ,000.

Earth pounds.That rules me out.But for those ones I have to crowdfund.And you know, humans, they drop me the price of three affordable croissants, £3, or whatever they can muster.And that's very kind of them.But, you know, I'm not looking for your crypto.

I'll let you into a secret, Andrew.I actually did get an email from somebody asking if I wanted to get involved in crypto.I thought, aha!That's what this is all about.I'm not falling for that one.

This could be quite a tight race and lots of people who would normally vote Conservative or Labour or Liberal Democrat but might be anti -reform will come to you or may come to you.Are you actually going to fight a sort of serious door -by -doorstreet -by -street campaign in the seat?No.You're not?

Well, why should I?I don't have to do that.I mean, it's a heatwave for goodness sake.It's hard enough sitting here talking to you, Andrew.Are you trying to kill me or what?

I'm not trying to kill you, but I am very, very much looking forward to the contest ahead.