Edward Barber Opens Up About His Biggest Showbiz Struggle | Toni Talks

I put all my hope into yung security ko sa showbiz.And at one point, it betrayed me.And I'm like, shucks.Just felt like I was lied to.But no one was there, so I'm just angry at everyone.I guess I could describe it as the chasing era.

Kasi parang grasping for something that would make sense.And then I was confused because why is everyone telling me this is gonna make me feel good and I feel worse?Congratulations, may bagong project ka na.hindi nila alam na kaka -anxiety attack ako dahil sa project na yan.

Is that the reason why it was easier for you to transition and slowly walk away?

Absolutely.And so I put my hope and my trust in the wrong thing.And that's my story.

Edward!How are you?I'm well.How are you?How are you?Grabe, 25 ka na pala.

Still so young.

Yes.The last time I saw you was before the pandemic as well.

Last time I talked to you was 2020.

Yes, that's right.

Remember?

Online po siya, with Darren.

Online.But you know what?When I was doing that online show, I was really gearing towards a different kind of conversation.Yung conversation na mas gusto ko in my heart.Kaya di mo naalala mo, parang kayong dalawa ni Maimai, parang naiyak kayo during our talk?

But the truth is, I didn't really have anything that I knew to say to myself, I think at that time.

Yun ba yung mga parang feeling mo, lost era, five years ago?Yes, super.

I guess I could describe it as the chasing era.Kasi parang grasping for something that would make sense.

When you entered show business, kasi ibang mundo yung show business eh.And how old were you nung pumasok?Sixteen.

Kaka -sixteen ko lang at that time.

Naku.Pag -sixteen ka, hindi mo pakilala yung sarili mo and you're thrown into this whole new world where everything is new.who to be.That's right.

And then I was confused because kasi naabot ko yung followers, naabot ko yung I had too much money for a 16 -year -old.Parang I'd lived too much life already at the age of 20.In four years, daming kong nagawa.But then at that time, I was like, why is everyone telling me this is gonna make me feel good and I feel worse?They would celebrate the things that are making me anxious.So, they were like, congratulations, may bagong project ka na.

Di nila alam, nakaka -anxiety yata ako dahil sa project na yan.So, they're saying, congratulations for the very thing that I'm struggling with.So, it was a very weird time.Ang daming, I guess I could say it's a lot of mislabels.Where I'm like, this equals good.I get it.

Why am I hurting?Like, why am I, why do I catch myself medicating more?Self -medicating more, through different ways.Why am I more avoidant to people after doing this?

Yung sinabi mo na, na -anxiety ka, anong nagbibigay sa 'yo ng anxiety?

Everyone might know the, yung ano, yung tunog ng messenger app, or yung Viber app.Notification.So yung pag, yung sa Viber, especially when I would get that, it would mean, ano siya, new message from my manager.of something else that I would have to do.That, for some reason, I didn't know why I was doing it.So, again, I'm very grateful for the opportunities I had.

I just realized more and more, to handle the pressure of what I was doing, I had to, parang, how do I say, put on different things to become who I needed to be.And at one point, nag -falter yung façade, yung mask.And I feel more authentic now than I ever was.Inasa showbiz ka.

Pwede ka pa rin.Parang nakahinga ka.Mas may freedom ka na maging ikaw.Maging totoo sa sarili mo.Kasi habang Nakikinig ako dun sa story mo na kapag may bagong project o meron kang gagawin, yan naman yung mga opportunity na hinihintay ng mga taong nangangarap makapasok sa industriya.Pero for you, to get another inquiry, to get another opportunity, nagbibigay sa 'yo yun ang anxiety.

Kasi diba, ang anxiety, it also comes with fear.It comes with unrest.Ano yung mga fears noong mga time na yun?

looking for exception.My question would always be, what's the price you're willing to pay to be accepted by people who don't even know you?I put a lot in that investment.Hindi nag -ROI.I think it's just to not look like an idiot in front of people.Pag -usapan natin yung PBB, for example.

Sa lahat ng batchmates ko, ako lang yung walang pangarap makapasok sa showbiz.

So bakit ka nag -PBB?

Kasi insecure ako na matalina yung ate ko at nakapasok siya sa magandang university.And I was an average student.Like, labanan yun ng essay eh.In terms of Europe, when you go to colleges, universities, they look for a good story.And it's not like I didn't want to try it.It was fun.

But in terms of a career, all I was looking for was to show my parents and my sister that I wasn't an idiot.Kahit makapasok man o hindi, at least nag -try ako.And I can put that in the essay and my CV to the university.

So yung pagsali mo sa PBB was for your family.It was not something else naKasi people would think when you joined PBB, gusto mong sumali sa showbiz industry.Or gusto mo ng fame.

Yeah.To be honest, if I'm being completely vulnerable, I didn't think about what it would cost.

Joining PBB?Yeah.

And so, when I went in, dun lang nag -hit na, oh shucks, what did I just do?And then tuloy -tuloy yun.Three months kami sa laob ng bahay ni Kuya.And then after that, I was like, can I go home?And they're like, wait, you have a project.Tapos tuloy -tuloy na yan.

And then, I remember there was one night, I was in a condo near ABS -CBN, tapos nakahiga lang ako sa kama.And I looked at my mom and I said, Mom, I feel like everything's a blur.I don't know what's happening right now.Tapos parang dun nag -start yung point na whatever you told me to do in show business, I would do.Like, just, Edward, you have work.Got it?

May album akong?I don't know why I have an album.Kumakanta ka ba?I don't know.I can hold the tune.I don't know if anyone's like, yeah.

Talaga?

Kailan ka nag -album?Years and years ago.As in solo album?As in solo album.Anong single mo?No One Else, I believe it was called.

No One Else.Again, no one around me with bad motives.They were helping me, the production, everything, talent management, star magic, amazing people.But even in that, I just didn't feel like I was doing the work justice.I would look at people like Mackie, Ben & Ben, all these amazing people na talagang dedicated sa craft nila.And I'm like, parang nagpapakyut lang ako dito.

And, I mean, people have said, Edward, it's imposter syndrome.And I'm like, no, because imposter syndrome, some days when they wanna be there, but I don't.

Pero feeling nila hindi nila deserve, yun yung imposter syndrome.

For me, I'm like, it's not that.It's you want this more than I do.I'm okay not doing this.

Yeah, kasi pag naririnig ng mga, halimbawa, struggling na mga young artists or mga young stars na gustong makapasok sa industriya, yung mga opportunities na na -experience mo, yun yung mga opportunities na pinagdadasal nilang mangyari sa kanila.But for you, it was giving you anxiety, it was giving you unrest, And I think overall, ang hindi naibigay sa 'yo was that peace that you were looking for all this time.And if there is no peace, ang hirap mahanap yung happiness.

At one point, I'll share this to you, there was a point where I got addicted to acting workshops.And I realized it's because kahit four years ako sa industry at that point, I didn't really have close friends.I didn't have people that I could call super close friends na alam nila yung pinagdadanan ko at yung ginagawa ko sa sarili ko.And then I went to acting workshops, and I realized that's the only place where I can cry.

Parang ginawa mong therapy.

Oh nga, ginawa mong therapy talaga.Kasi kailangan mo humiyak.Oh, acting workshop na lang.Ay, parang makaiyak na makaiyak.I couldn't cry at home.And then the funny part is, may time na hindi ako nakaiyak sa set.

And then I'm like, yeah, I'm done.I'm done with acting.Because I really tried to love it for so long.And I couldn't.I really couldn't.And so that's why I have so much respect to actors and actresses.

Pero hindi ko siya mahal.

This is not for me.Mararamdaman ng soul mo yun na parang I'm not meant to be here.I'm not meant to do this.Tapos sisingaw talaga yun eh.Lalabas yun.

And I found out the only reason I wanted to be good at acting was so people would say good job and would affirm that I'm doing well.May isang phrase na when I did my therapy and I did my counseling na laging lumalabas yung pinagsasabi nila yung you're only as good as your last work.I get what they're trying to say.for a young artist that can mess with their mind of if I do bad yesterday, I'm worthless today.And then I have to work to get my worth today.Which if I'm being honest, is a wildly scary lifestyle to live.

Because what are you building your assurance on?If it's what the director said kahapon, oh, galing mo.And then you work today, pangit ang ginawa mo.Wala kang kwenta.And then suddenly you walk home, And you're like, shucks.

Mina -marinate mo yun.Ina -analyze mo yun.Ina -overthink mo yun.Kaya doon na ma -mess up yung mental health.Diba?

And so, I put my hope and my trust in the wrong thing.And I think, I've seen so many people do it.Kahit wala ka sa showbiz, you can do, you could put that, if you put that in your workplace, what happens when you get retrenched?If you put it in a relationship, what happens when they break up with you?So, I put all my hope into yung security ko sa showbiz.And at one point, it betrayed me.

And I'm like, shucks.

Nasa confusing stage ka ng life mo, you entered show business, then all of a sudden, nagkaroon ka ng love team.Gano 'ng katagal yung love team with Maimai?

A couple years.

Paano yung era ng love team para sa 'yo?Paano mo hinandal yun?

I think it's one and the same to Toni.That's what I think.

Like, nag -uusap ba kayo ni Maimai?Nakakuwento mo ba sa kanya na, I'm going through this?

That's the funny thing.Yung totoo, parang This is a terrible answer to your question.It's a beautiful question.But the terrible answer is, I didn't handle it.Kasi I didn't know what to do.Yung sinabi ko kanina na parang nag -blur lang.

It's just, whatever I had to do, I'd do it.So the simple answer is, I didn't handle anything.Ang constant cycle, with anyone around me, whether it's my Maya at the time at work, my old RMs, God bless my old road managers dealing with my emotions,Parang ano lang, sumasabong lang lagi.I remember projects where I was with the production.I'm not a kind person.

I was like, di naman ako ganito dati.I remember I was so impatient, so rude.I always felt that I had a right to be angry at the world.Just felt like I was lied to.But no one was there, so I'm just angry at everyone.They don't get that I don't want it.

Alam mo, pag sinabi mo yung ganyan, tapos narinig ng iba na hindi naiintindihan yung journey and yung struggle, ang sasabihin nila, you're ungrateful.

If you put your peace in that money, what happens when you go one peso below?Oh my gosh.Fear.Worry.Doubt.Anxiety.

And so I get it.I understand.But I'm telling you, I made the mistake of putting my hope in that.And when I went through the issues, I went to the wrong places.And it's not the opportunity.It's just that I put my hope in that opportunity.

Hope that this would be good enough to make me feel okay at night.Hope that I could put my name on this.That this is gonna give me peace.And no amount of money can make you feel peace.And yun, parang that's what drove me to a lot of mistakes.I guess you could say, yeah.

Ano yung rock bottom for you?

There was a moment in 2020, I was doing I Want To Be A Star.And I remember saying goodbye to everyone.See you next week!Smile!Tapos pag -uwi ko sa bahay, parang I just broke down.And I just remember, like, Lord, I can't pretend anymore.

I wasn't okay with my relationships around me. I was very alone.And I'm like, ang weird, because I spent so much time with some people.Don't get me wrong, now I have deeper friendships.But I'm like, there is no one that I would call at night.Tapos pag nag -open up ka, parang sasabihin, Kahit kay Maimai sa love team mo?Para even in that, it's...

Eh kasi you would think na kayo ang magiging pinakaklose sa showbiz dahil sabay kayong pumasok sa showbiz, de -launch kayo together as a love team.So isipin ng tao, naging close kayo with each other.Kayo yung nag -open up, kayo yung nag -uusap.

There's a difference between opening up to someone and they can help you with it and opening up to someone that's going through the same thing.So my cry was, Lord, is there anyone who can help me out of this mess?I remember the first time at ASAP, Big world, big stage.Teacher G, Billy Crawford on stage.And you're like, I don't know what the heck I'm doing here.No one told me what to do.

Tas biglang we get put on stage and I'm like, anong gagawin ko dito?I had no training.I didn't even know how to say hello to people.I was just crying out, can someone tell me what to do?Can you show me the way I'm supposed to go?Because when you learn through mistakes constantly, and then people tell you who you are, but you don't know who you are.

And then you try what they're telling you to do, and you're like, I feel so fake right now.Is anyone else seeing this?Like, pangit yung bohok ko sa...And they're like, pogi mo pare!I'm like, I don't feel it!Anyway, one of the realest people ever in my whole career was Direct Lauren, where he told me na parang there was a moment where all I would do is follow other artists around and try and fit in.

Yun siguro yun.I was just trying to fit in.

Fitting in and yung following the footsteps na ginagawa ng iba.Kasi ganito sila, dapat ganito din yung gagawin ko.

Parang may mold.Yes, yes.And then, ano siya, Direk Loren called me into his office one time.Direk, I love you so much.Thank you for doing this.The impact is echoing in my life today.

And he sat me down.He's like, Edward, May pinakita siyang tweet.And he said, Edward, I'm seeing this, and I love you enough, and I just want to tell you, I want you to learn to become your own man. I started thinking that what I was doing would make me the person I wanted to become.So, if I want to be a good man, kailangan mag -work out ako.Kailangan manggaling ako sa acting.Kailangan may mga lalaki ako, kaibigan.

And I did all the things.Like, I tried to drink and be cool.Wala, I couldn't do it.I tried to be cool with the women.I just felt something in me. I'm like, this is not who I am.I'm not that guy.

And then I'm like, everyone's doing this and they're okay.And then I found out, everyone's not okay.I heard so many stories, I'm like, shucks, ganun pala yung, you know, that's why they're doing drugs.That's why they drink a lot.

Nabasa ko yun.People are not really addicted to drugs.They are addicted to escaping the reality.It's the high they're chasing.It's the substance that brings them there.Kaya sila pumupunta dun.

But magkakaroon ng turning point sa buhay mo. na may mamimit ka, tapos magigising ka, tapos may magre -reveal sa 'yo ng totoong purpose mo, and ano yung meaning ng life.There's a grand plan, yung akala mong plano sa 'yo for showbiz, it's beyond showbiz yung plano sa 'yo.Nangyari sa 'yo yun.

Yes.In 2020, the same day that I told you about na umiyak ako sa bahay, and I was like, I'm done.Bigay ako ng ultimatum kay God, pakita ka sakin in the next two weeks, otherwise I'm out.When you say out, out in showbiz?I'm like, kahit may kontrata akong aalis, AWOL, I'll go.I will disappear.

I will just, di ko alam, at that time, I'm not sure exactly what that meant for me. I meant going home, but Sobrang unstable ng mind ko at that time.I'm just grateful God came into my life at that point.And so that day, I went to a church that I'd been attending for like a year.

Sino g -invite sa 'yo sa church?

My sister actually was the first person who talked to me about it.Then at one point, Maima invited me to church.And I just went by myself.And there was a white pastor there.I'm like, uy, same.And I remember it feeling safe because I went there and people would take pictures and I'm like, ah, I just don't want to be around people.

And then the staff that didn't even know me, the volunteers, just said, hey, that's not who we are here.We don't do that here.And they said, hey, welcome to church.And I'm like, okay, this is a place where they don't care who I am.I just get to be in the house of God.And that day I said, okay, may English -speaking pastor.

He doesn't care about who I am.He doesn't know I'm in show business.So, Lord, tell him to speak to me.And parang awkward na tao.Parang doon ako sa sulok.And I'm waiting for everyone to leave so I can go talk to him.

And I went to him and I said, Hey, can I have lunch with you?And he looked at me and said, Ah, I'm leaving the country.I can't.I can't have lunch with you in the next week.So in my head, I'm like, Sabi po nga, Lord, di ka totoo.You don't care for me.

And then he looked at me And again, he has no idea who I am.He says, hold on.Takes his wife, his staff, he says, everyone get out.Leads me to his office.And he sits me down and he says, talk to me.And for the next 45 minutes,

nilabas ko lahat ng naipon ko throughout the last six years.No, four years at that point.Lahat ng sakit ko, lahat ng galit ko, lahat ng fierce worries ko.Everything, I just let it out.And this is a pastor and he's just, yep, just listening.And he said, I told him, I wanna quit showbiz, I'm done.

And he said, okay, don't make a decision now.You're emotional.Can I pray for you?He prayed for me and I cannot tell you, walang appointment.Nothing crazy happened.But I remember, for the first time that day, after he prayed for me, I went home and I'm like, everything's gonna be okay.

I don't know what was, there was a peace.And I read in the Bible, months later, that there's a peace that transcends all understanding.I'm like, this shouldn't make sense that I have peace right now.But, I tried looking for peace in everything.In women, in money, in alcohol, in fame, everything.Everything that the world tells me should give me peace.

And I went, and I talked to a white Australian guy and he prays for me and I feel peace.I can sleep well at night now.Something must be either I'm crazy or something's real.So I went back to church and I just kept on going and I'm like, okay, there's something here.And there's a verse that I love so much and it says, where the spirit of the Lord is, there's freedom.And by definition, with the financial freedom that I had, it was only when I started looking to the presence of God that I felt free.

Saan ka naging free?

So where I would become free?I think it's everything that I was stuck in the loop of.The lie of, if I just do this, pag nag -good job si Aga Molak sakin, okay na ako.

First love.

Nag -good job siya.Ay, shucks.Parang insecure pa rin ako.And then just knowing that I don't have to prove myself anymore.I don't have to work for love anymore.No matter what mistakes I make, someone loves me.

And again, it's...Bible says God's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.That means no matter how good my last work was, doesn't impress God, He loves me anyway.And just living with that, I'm like, okay.I'm okay now.I'm good now.

And here's what I'll say.At the end of the day, God won't look at me when I go to heaven and be like, Ilan ba yung movies na nagawa mo?How much did you earn off endorsements?How many likes did you get?And he'll be saying, did you know Jesus?And what did you do with them?

And that's what I want to do for the rest of my life.I've experienced everything.And there's no better feeling than being in the presence of God.So, I love it.And that's my story.

I feel like yung freedom na yun dumating sa 'yo when you felt the love that can only come from God.Kasi yung love na yun, it's the one that satisfies your soul.Kaya na -realize mo, hah?Hindi ko naman pala kailangan gawin lahat ng mga bagay na to.I am loved for who I am, not for what I do.For anyone or for this world.

I am loved.Is that the reason why it was easier for you to transition and slowly walk away?

Absolutely.When I encountered the peace of God and the love of God, I knew that there was nothing else I wanted to do with my life.And then to run and tell people about it.And ang daming nagsasabi, Edward, just use your platform.Share the gospel through your platform.Be the next GaryVee!

Unang -una, hindi ako makakita.Because I'm like, never before, with all I've had the opportunity of doing, have I felt more purpose with my life.

Kasi nag -full -time ka, pumasok ka na sa ministry.

Yes, yes.

Kailan dumating yung decision na yun?

Simula ng 2020, nagpo -volunteer ako sa church.So a lot of people didn't know that.It's just something I would do.I just serve like any other person.If they need to put out the chairs, I'll put out the chairs.And then, paunti -unti, I got a good friend, my friend Pranav, he was my first ever small group leader, connect group leader.

And eventually, we started leading a connect group, which means I would share to other people.I'd look after other people.And then from there, nag -serve ako sa youth ministry namin.So, favor youth.Saturdays, I'd be in church, and I'd be in the youth ministry.We'd have our services.

We would reach out to teenagers in different public high schools.We would talk to them about Jesus.From there, nag -Bible college ako noong 2024.Then at one point after Bible college, A pastor that I love very much, Pastor Paul Carlino.He called me one day and he was like, hey, we have a position in church to serve in the kids' ministry.We know that you could earn money elsewhere, but what do you think about coming on staff?

I was like, yeah.Again, at the end of the day, my security isn't the job that I have.It's like, I get to serve God.And I get to tell kids about who Jesus is.And then I get to watch them grow up, not making the mistakes that I made for the approval of other people.So, I am a pastor -in -training at the moment.

So, in two years, I'll be fully ordained with full credentials.So, yeah, the kids pastor is what I stepped into.And so, super humbling for me to even be in that position that they trust me.

Pag ikaw ang kids pastor, when you talk to kids, what's the first thing you tell them?about Jesus?

I'll tell them He's the man that saved my life.And I'll tell them about all the wonderful things that He did.Kasi iba -ibang range.From 3 years old to 12 years old.And so, iba't iba yung approach to each kid.But a lot of it is hearing them speak and then talking about who Jesus is in my life.

From their perspective, reaching doon sa level na naiintindihan ng mind nila.

Yes, hundred percent.And so iba -iba yung approach.

So in two years, pastor ka na?

Yes, at the moment I'm a pastor -in -training, so some people still call me pastor.You don't have to call— Oh my!

Pastor Edward ka na pala!So in two years, pag nakita kita, pastor?Yeah, I guess.But you don't have to.

No one has to.I still have people that call me Ed, and that's fine with me.

Diba ang hinahanap lang naman talaga ng isang tao?In this life is purpose and meaning.Sobrang blessed mo that at 25, na -encounter mo na yan in your life.Yung ibang tao, inabot ng 40 years, 50 years, bago nila mahanap na ito pala ang meaning, ito pala yung purpose ng life.So pag tinanong ka ng isang bagong tao na na -meet ka, ano yung nahanap mo na meaning and purpose dito sa newfound life na meron ka?

I'd say, simplest answer is the presence of God.And they said, in the presence of God, there's a fullness of joy.Which means, by definition, nothing else can satisfy.There's a great saying that a lot of pastors, preachers will say, and they said, everyone has a God -shaped hole in their hearts.And you can put whatever you want, try and jigsaw puzzle it, it won't be full.But if you have Jesus, you can walk around with boldness.

courage.No one else can define me.Someone in showbiz made fun of me recently.They're a very big name.And it's the first time it hit me. I'm like, that would have crushed me before.But I don't really care what you think anymore.

You can tell me, you can say I'm a great fool.You can say whatever.He's given me the most security I've ever had in my life.So in the presence of God, there's fullness of joy.Nothing else matters as much to me.

So para dun sa mga fans mo, from the love team, from PBB.Tapos mahikita ka nila ngayon, tatanungin nila, anong nagbago kay Edward?

A man called Jesus.That's what changed me.That's what healed me, saved me, freed me from anxiety, freed me from doubt, worry, fear.Again, I did everything in showbiz.From concerts to teleserye to movie, I did it.There's a great guy, Bible says he's the wisest man in all humanity.

A guy called King Solomon.He tried everything and he said, everything is worthless on earth.It's like chasing the wind.

Everything is meaningless.

Everything is meaningless.So, I found what has meaning.And I used to get thousand birthday messages.At lahat sila, God bless you, happy birthday, praying for you, Lordy.Something like that.And now when I get a birthday message, they'll be like, hey, that time you prayed for me and my mom got healed, I'll never forget that.

Hey, that time that we spent together, thank you for the encouragement.Hey man, I'm praying for you today.I'm praying you have a great future.I'm praying for what you're going.I can't tell you the meaning, the purpose.Hindi lang siya lip service.

I'm in lip service before and we're on a mission.I want to tell as many people about Jesus before I die as I can.That's what changed my life and I just want us to take a moment.Thank you to everyone who supported me throughout the years.I knowmy journey has not been what some people want.

And I'm sorry.But to those people who actually do support, I would invite - Actually, I'd invite to everyone.Come along on the journey.Try it out.It saved me from my darkest moments.I think it could save people too.

If you wanna ever say hi, Sunday is 10am.4pm in Anaris Sports Arena in Pasig.I'll be there at the Kids' Church drop -off.We are not perfect.I am not perfect.But I did meet a God who is perfect.

And He's changed my life.I do have one thing I want to say.If I can share here as well.I met him when I talked to that guy and he listened to me.And I was able to share my story with him.I didn't realize until years later how much it impacted me.

And I wanted to create my own space for people to be able to come and share their story.So a year ago, I started my own podcast called The Painfully Human Podcast.Built off my story.

Bakit naman painfully human?

May isang logo doon.It's a Greek story of a man whose eternal punishment was to push a rock up a hill.Sabi ng ano, Diyos in that story, if you can push it up to the top of the hill, free ka na.But the trick was, it was impossible.My life was like that.I just tried, I'll try again.

And I realized when I came to Jesus, I now serve a God that rolled away the rock, came out of the tomb, and is alive with me.So, that's the story of the logo.The story of the podcast is because it can be painful to be human, but we have a hope.And so, it's not a Christian podcast.It's just a podcast where we tell stories.And so, if you'd like that.

watch it.Painfully Human podcast out there as well.

Thank you for watching!Thank you for liking this video and thank you for subscribing.And most importantly, thank you for forwarding this video to someone who needs it.