Ep 625 - The Big Show (feat. Billy & Spud)

Wild west yeah, I'd be like shaking if I was one of you guys.

Yeah, like visibly I'd be like If I think I like wake up and shake Don't show I honestly I just texted man. I sent him the picture, and I was like we should not We should leave the country I'd like to leave the country.Yeah, I would go to leave this error wire something temporary insanity.I could leave I I don't understand.I can take some of those guineas and fucking spud.

What's wrong with you, bro?

Monster.I'm struggling.

Dude, Conor McGregor.Dude, go out there, build it up and walk out.My leg.

Shit.

Just bring someone else out.When's this going to come out?Whenever?I think after tomorrow.Tomorrow.

Yeah.We can wait to do a free free show.

Well, then we won't talk about all the special guests, but Matthew will be on it.And it's terrifying.Oh, yeah.We've already alluded to it.So we fired up.

Yeah, we're recording.

It's the scariest thing possible.This was a huge mistake I got talked into this a year and a half ago and never really considered that one day it was gonna actually happen Yeah, and it's tomorrow and I'm completely ill -prepared I Have I can't even think about doing stand -up.I'm thinking about the show.It's I'm gonna do I don't have to do anything Oh, I should probably do like a fucking half hour and then I'm gonna bring someone else or just curate on stage with me Just walk around and they Circus I'm actually running for mayor I've got you all gathered here.There's something I'd like to discuss have four giant spots He got to those Luke Belmar talks That's it everything all of your jobs welcome by Frostbill welcome spud more popularI'm gonna panic I'm gonna get on stage and be like the only thing I've got so far is I'm gonna say They're gonna be tailgating.

Yeah, it's gonna be it's gonna be the worst crowd like Normandy.

It's gonna be great My whole plan is just I'm gonna have a separate video.

I'm gonna my own video crew and I'm gonna try to crush hecklers Better I saw a clip I saw um, I was checking out like different seats in the link what it looks like WrestleMania was in the route.Whoa, that's like the WrestleMania.Yeah.Yeah.

Could wrestle to wrestle.

She do it all.Look at the folding chairs.Yeah.Yeah.It's terrifying.Yeah.

Also, the people that are in the middle of these folding at the pit, you're never going to be able to piss.No, no.Pass out.Those seats are fucking expensive.Cokes is there really?Cokes is right.

I showed you the pass out.

Is that a port -a -potty set up?I think they do have little port -a -potties.

Yeah.Yeah.That's gonna be a piss on the ground set up.There's gonna be a lot of drunk guys.

There's a concert here in some country kind of dude and some chick just shit.What?She didn't want to leave her seat.But it was a biohazard.She tried to let it out of her pants.

You ever see people on CCTV shake out a log?

Yeah, that's crazy.

I don't know how that works.I'd be like all down my leg.

Dude, not even shaking out a log.There's that one of that like Asian guys that register.He just pulls his pants down and just...

There's no wiping involved there was a dude at the park when I was walking my dog And he had this hoodie and one day he left the hoodie, and I picked it up, but I still have When he would shit out dude he hit like fucking her people her people well it shits in the hedges Try to keep Zeus from eating they do dogs love human poop yeah, they love to eat it.Yeah, I can see that Yeah, it's his blazer soccer drill thick you ever get like a real thick hoodie it isn't very I saw the hoodie I was like, that's a heavy cotton blend.I like they don't make this shit anymore the guys launching into the fucking hedges You go the hedges and like he was in there for too long like what are you doing?Come out the smell of human shit on a dog's breath, bro Ah, then Spade had the single cab trucks.

There's no air going.

Also, to be fair, he would have all people respect finders keepers.Yeah, obviously.I'm almost positive he found that.

He lives exclusively.

He was a red haired.

He was a red haired homeless man.

Yeah.Yo, that's right.It's a rare one.

It's like a time traveler.Rarely truly rejected.

Yeah, it's a nerve -wracking endeavor.You got yourself there.Spagedriver was like, what are you talking about?

This is like, we're on acid again.Man, I can't believe how high you are.

This is the first time we've all been together since then?

As a unit?Maybe.Possibly.Chicago would take me back.Chicago is a heck of a city.Awesome city.

Every time people take me back.It's a beautiful city.

Every time I even think about Oasis up people like that.I saw him a concert my dude their concerts are the best.

Yeah, I agreeit there, it was amazing.Seeing you let loose like that brought me so much joy.I was gone.Holding the bottle of tequila, shirt over your head.That was great.

Bro, I had no idea I was going to see that.That was one stock 99.That tequila was so expensive.I know.

I got like so attached.I was like, I have to give this bottle out.And I was like, give it to people.And they were sure.They thought it was laced with acid.They were like, whoa.

Because I'd be like, drink it, dude.Just drink it.They're like, what's in it?I'm like, it's just tequila.Watch.

And I would just chug a bunch out of it.We could have been fine with that half a tab.Yeah.Greed.

That was, I looked at it.I mean, tell us all the time.

Yeah.

I looked at psychedelics acid, especially as you go.

This is cool.I literally, I just got done banishing all of the negative, negative thoughts from my head.I was like, I don't need these anymore.I've never been able to do that.Dude I I was like sitting there, and I was like I don't need these right now, and I'd had let go that's why I was dancing Gmail inbox You got restaurant depot espressos, that shit was strong.

Acid deletes alcohol.

It does.

And so powerful.It's crazy.

That tequila couldn't touch me.It was one of the best nights of my life.It just kept kicking in, though.I was like, take me back.

But we do have beach trip.

I know.Beach trip will be decent.I'm excited.That's my final hurrah, and then I'll be in a different house.That's my final vacation.Beach trip, yeah.

Then you're going to get your new house?Yes.

Literally right afterwards.

I doubt it getting off girlfriend Island.

Yeah, it's the first time it's going to girlfriend to standa Wife a stand wife real I just read a really nice book.I'm obsessed with the French right now I've been reading a lot of French authors of this guy wrote a book about if the like if Muslims actually took over France It was like a novel camp of saints.

Huh camp of saints.

No, it's called submission by Michael.Oh, yeah Dude, it's, I don't know why, but he keeps referencing Nietzsche, but anytime he references Nietzsche, he goes, the old queer Nietzsche.It's just so funny.Just be out for no reason.Just be like, and then that, maybe that old fag was right about Christianity.

It reminds me of, you said Buddha judges.You ever see that Trump trying not to call him gay?Yeah.When he was like, Mayor Pete, who, rides a bike with a guy.Which is, I don't know, that's what he likes.That's why he rides bikes with other guys.

I want to get a soundboard for Trump when it's all over.When it's all said and done.When it's all said and done, it's going to be the best soundboard ever.

Yeah, his pull string doll would be pretty nice.

I doubled the size of it, you stupid person.

If he gets a statue yeah, what would it what would his like four score in several years?

Or you'd be in jail no stand down stand by stand back you'd be in jail quiet piggy might be Quiet Piggy wasn't as epic.He's completely lost his fastball.The fucking real shit was that he keeps saying that Quiet Piggy was 105 down the fucking pipe.Quiet Piggy was the number one.

And double the size of it is up there, too.

That's who he used to be.Dumb or stupid person?I can't remember.Stupid person.2016, he was fucking on fire.Of course.

Yeah, he's on fire.That's awesome.

He's the one that got the Cy Young that year.He's throwing some wild pitches.He's like, Democrats is a wild thing.That's a wild pitch.Yo, I saw you on the All -Star or on the Monday.Yeah.

It was awesome.

That was a bummer.HR day.It was a bummer.I wanted to swear bombs, dude.

Who won?

Crawford, this kid from...

Dang.

I couldn't imagine anything better.Maybe like an extreme firework show, but home run.

Yeah, I was watching.I was like, I want to take my kid to this one day.Yeah.Like a 10 year old at a fucking home run derby.

Is it a pitching machine?No, it's a guy.

It's like you got your guy.

You pick your own guy.He's going to send it to you.

And sometimes they fucking don't get the best pitches, dude.It was fucking killing me.

Yeah.I didn't even think about that.He's like the guy at the dunk contest throwing the hoops.

Dude, it just makes you realize how easy home runs is for you.

You ever see when Diddy got on his toes?Spotted reminded me of when you and me were at the World Series And there's putting the giant the flag the size of the outfield with a flyover and just being like we're the greatest It was the exact same like that was the most American.It's like we were drinking beer and watching guys hit home runs over and over again while they're blasting music.And we're like booing the kids.If a kid drops a ball because there's little kids in the outfield, the whole stadiums.You don't see this in other countries.

You don't see it.It was wonderful.Spade at the grove.

I thought he was gonna have a fucking heart You would have thought six grams of mushrooms he literally got overtaken by the spirit of fuck It's the vibration.

I think it's if I had to nail it down to one thing.It's the sound and the vibrate.

Yeah, that's not world Please imagine every summer night.I mean you're Sit on the I would open my window as a kid and listen to you could hear the girlPhil call me now.I'll be like what's going on.I'll be like nothing Take some of your money and make a movie about that the grove you so sick dude Grove will be nice Grove is a comedy.That's what I actually did want to do that.

Yeah, I talked about that people Tell me not to do the Grove.

I wanted to do like a little boy being like hearing it Yeah, somehow making that a movie.That's it.

Yeah.Yeah, it's kind of like Ricky Bobby, but We could do it.Bobby Rickey.Yeah.It has nothing to do with that.I swear to God, we're not copying it.

But yes, the character's name is Bobby Rickey.

Or dude, just be like, dude, let's fucking do a sequel.Part two.No, do part two.And he say Ricky Bobby, maybe.Says the wrong thing and he goes to the dirt track.

And then wins and becomes my favorite NASCAR driver.

That's nothing to do with NASCAR though, right?Like that's not even like...

I mean, some of the drivers are.

Some of the drivers, they'll graduate from that to NASCAR?

I would imagine.Is that what it is?A little, yeah, for sure.But they also like come back down and do that.

I painted for a dude that like built cars for his kid.He was like a mechanic and he built like little Indy cars.Dude, it's mega bucks.Oh, yeah.To like go take your kid on one of those Indy tours.

Yeah, man.Knew uh I knew someone who used to do like dirt track racing He was in high school, and that was like it was like his thing.

He was in like the ones with the fans.

Yeah Yeah, yeah, wait.What do you mean like the ones that yeah?Oh?Yeah, yeah, but the I remember that's he did would go to the dirt track, and it was like his thing Yeah, and a rich daddy his daddy would buy his get the trailer with the cars And he would just go race people to get upgrade from hockey yeah, I Dirt bike kids used to get a lot of pussy back in the day.

I remember kids are like go dirt bike racing on the weekends Yeah, always somehow see what the cool Fox long.

So yeah, yeah frosted frosted.It can wear that I like a black dudes adopted that they also wear like motocross shit True I'm more into the the high high black fashion like

like play Bacardi, NBA Youngboy.You just wear like black leather.You wear like black leather and just kind of like sit and look like a vampire now.They vamp out hard.Playboy, I saw a video of them.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.It's like but it's like leather.You get some leather on a little bit of swag.It's like Rico.Who's the guy?Rick Owens.

I sent you a video, dude.Rick Owens.Yeah, dude.It's the fucking cool shit.

You ever see him get scared by the flash?No, it's hilarious.He gets flashed.He's like 90 million years old.And some fucking photographer.Remember when they hit you at Helium?

Yeah.Dude, that shit like it's almost like a flashback.

Yeah.

And he like almost fell over on granite steps and like regained his fucking balance and kept walking.

Got me on Monday when I was checking into the hotel.Insane photo.Who's the worst?Who's the one just yell?Why do they do this?You go, hey, Shane.

And you literally you're like.

Bring it down.

I have a book bag.

I'm hunched over is that like a couple hundred bucks for somebody like why are you doing?Oh, you should start being like stop I would make it way worse.

You just gotta start getting out of cars with your balls hanging out Just somehow show your butthole every time.You got your taint in the picture.That was legendary.I would hang that up.

Was like this, like trying to shield your face.

I was watching that body cam footage where the guy's like, take a picture of my dick, please.Raise my balls up.Don't be scared.

Yeah.Don't be afraid.Don't be afraid.I lose a lot of my hours to body cam, dude.Ever since you said midway, I started crushing that.

It was like a month on flights.Just watching.

Uh, yeah.The one, uh, me and blizzard have been dying watching this guy.I might've talked about it last time.There's a guy, he's a white supremacist cop pulls him over.He's like, yeah, my ID.my IDs in my bag.

He just takes a gun out Shoots the cop kills the cop then every cop then every single cop chases him he's driving down the highway with like 900 cop cars, and they get the they're like we need the bearcat they always break out the bear They start hitting his car with a tank yeah, then they he finally stops every single cop gets out and shoots Oh, everyone was like taking turns.Like, imagine if you really wanted to kill someone.

So you're a cop and it's finally there.You're speeding.They're probably salivating and trying to shoot that.

They show the guys in the cars like it's a free shot.Loaded guns.I think that's fair.And they show the forensics from inside the car.It's hilarious.There's 900 lines going.

To his head.He must have been in the car like.

Like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.

It must have been crazy.

I got to rewatch Gran Torino.That was great.

You should have like if you shoot a cop they should be able to shoot like find you shoot.

Yeah, they made a Netflix They made a Netflix documentary just based on body footage That was great.Oh, really?Next door.And it's just this lady was like crazy.She lived in this neighborhood.Yes.

Every time a kid came on a launch called the cops.So the cops came over so much.There was enough body cam footage for a documentary.And they edited it into like a story.But I was never.They were.

I was so sad.So sad.But there's there was never an actual camera.It's all.

The one dude, though, who like Florida, it's in Florida, Florida.Yeah.Yeah.His OG baby.Like baby daddy of the girl who got shot.That guy was kind of like.

Hey, who's the best dad in the world?I love you guys.I'm the best daddy you got, man.You know, I love you the most.Your mom's dead now.This is amazing.

She's getting wrecked by some fat bitch.Those kids are definitely all over the place.

It must have been so fun.

Yeah, especially when you know, it's not fun what?Every kid fucks with you if you're white in a black neighborhood every kid takes turns fucking with you is what it is It's gonna shoot a mom in his movement.So I got the metaglasses.I'm ready.I go boom There's this thing I was like all these creep glasses.

I was like I need those People would pay I feel like good money for that well I'm outside my house dude spitting in spade no no no I'm saying just getting like hitting in my driveway I don't know.I feel you can show you can sell it like the anti -racism crowd if you like a 55 year old like white New York Times lady She would probably pay money to get like hazed by young black I deserve this push comes a shove they immediately go into white supremacy You don't even know what you're doing!

I'm on your side, dummy.

I love that, doing BLM.Dudes are like, chanting, and there's just a brick going through a dorm window from three stories.

Like, we're on your side!

We're on your side, man.What the fuck?

Playing beer pong.They were playing beer pong, and then protesters walk by, and they're like, yeah.Brick.What the fuck?

So what do you have any good footage of the of the kids what are you talking about?

Heystop it.Not yet.I just have them on for protection.You're ready.There you go.

And the neighborhood is getting nicer.But for years there, I mean, Bill can attest to this.It was wild, wild, wild.I was I was walking.That was the main thing.Like all these like people, all these little people will be like, oh, saying all this BLM shit.

It's like, dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

It's true.It's not where I tap it.Tap into the tap into the view.

Like I know that this is not I know this isn't the rest of the world, but it we're in West Philadelphia I'm on Langstroth.There's like a free food thing right.There's a white liberal chick trying to cross the street all like oh Hobbly moving slow with a k95 mask on because they're called Cripsters.Obviously, there's There's smoke in the air, right?This is a place to go get free food.She's going into an Audi So she's going like she's getting free food going into an hour.

She's on some water.She's a lot of it Yeah, you know what?

I mean?Yeah, I'm not gonna listen these people.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's in her community larping I swear to God I put on some weird -ass fucking limp.

I literally saw Crips are at a fucking bus stop and she got up off our wheelchair and sat back down.

Holy shit.You're actually stealing.They're pumped on the fucking masks right now.Oh, I was walking.Oh, yeah.They're so excited to break their leg.

Please get your K -95.Their quality is low and we should just always be wearing this.Also, I do.Do you remember being young?You know, I might start wearing it.Flock cameras.

Fucking my son.

Yeah.True.Put on the.Well, you see, they have a go for you to bomber.They have.You have classes you can buy now that apparently like throw your face off on a Chinese.

Yeah.

But like you literally would have to be walking out like no phone, no car.You'd have to be naked.I know.

Yeah.The phone is like phones got dead rights.Yeah.

the phone's got you.Audio, video, GPS.

I mean, yeah, I don't care.

They obviously you don't want mass surveillance like that, but I don't know how they're giving tickets out, though.People are getting like tickets or being on their phone.

Well, there is a cop.I don't know.I can't remember where the top was.I want to say Texas or Pasadena, maybe.I don't know.Some cops started stalking a female cop.

Then, you know, using a flat camera.

Yeah.I mean, with great power comes great responsibility.I've just watched all three Spider -Man's like the guy was.He was a tree.It was a cow.Pretty good.

He was using he was using the flat camera system So you can like tap it in the shit if you're like a cop you can like be like oh Let's see what's going on, but he was doing it to take a look at take a peek on a co -worker They've been doing that with like well at least the civilians to their phone numbers as you file a report like I'm gonna need your phone number Yeah, like yeah, they're like fucking five beers deep like yo, are you all right?

There was a guy at Michigan football who was sneaking into the athletic department that had all the female athletes, emails and passwords.

Didn't he get on their webcams?

Yeah.

So they're all big and bad.Ohio state has that wrestling dude.That was like the worst.That was the worst shit ever.He was like, literally pulling on people's dicks and shit.Penn State might have the world.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no If somebody else would hire him right away, what do you do?He hooked up with a fucking chick that works for the team.

But oh, he got in trouble for going to her house and he's going to fucking kill himself.Then when he broke into her house after word got out, he was just unrequited love.

Exactly.He probably thought like, this is my work.I'm like a pussy.I'm like a pussy.

No, you're, you're like drunk.If that's going to break into someone's house or you're probably either blacked out or on psych meds, like no normal human could be in love.Love makes you do crazy things.

It's one of the most powerful.

That's why I say falling in love.

EJ wants me to watch Obsession.He says it's real.

Obsession?

Yeah.

It's girlfriend simulator.

Yeah.

The first half of the movie is just not a scary movie.

It's just real.This is what they're like for real.

Yes.

You have to see this.

That's so funny.

The main character in it's gonna piss you off.Really?Yeah.He's a little beta, little soft boy.

I just watched Tom Holland's Spider -Man, dude.Tom sometimes.Yeah, he's a beast, but he doesn't look like it at first.And once he gets it.

Well, you're judging on size because that's it.That's what you know.All right.You don't like people.

I'm literally friends with short people.

You don't like Tobey Maguire.

I like Tom Holland the most.

Yeah.Tom Holland's the best one.I never liked Andrew Garfield either.I also like the powers he has on his suit.

And Tobey Maguire is the only one who actually shoots Webb out of his body.

So funny how you spray my balls about Marvel nerd stuff.You get one chick that's into it and now listen to you.

That's how it does.That's exactly how it works.This is crazy.It is what it is.You're literally, you're literally.You watch the Eternals.

Guilty as charged.You watch the stories.I watched half the Eternals and I was like, fuck this.Because it could have been sick.Wait, what's the Eternals?

Bill's holding together a sacred timeline right now with Marvel.

Yeah.I don't really like the multiverse, but I am in the sacred timeline.I'm going through from 1940 starting at Captain America and currently I'm on I just finished spider -man his chick has no the actual I did it.I literally did this like what else eight years ago You did it with like CW soup.

I did all I did I did the I did a fucking what is it?I did the vampire diaries

did Marvel too.Oh you did Marvel.Yeah, I did all that shit the McGuffin's are susceptible to girl 100 % Marvel's come on.

It's true.

It's true literally the king said buddy some jeans girl Spider -man spider -man is the most girl out of all the spider -man if I hear you talking about Wonder Woman We're gonna have I fucking hate that shit.

I didn't watch I literally skipped fucking.

I'm a doctor.Dr. Strange is my I'm a doctor strange, right?Strange might be the best honestly me and spade watch fuck.

We went to San Diego, dude We went and saw fucking Guardians of the Galaxy Once he departs, we're literally just waiting for our flight went to the fucking place I think it was in Coronado and And almost cried together watching it.Guardians is a little too close.

I'm trying to think, what was the show?The show?I didn't watch Vampire Diaries.I watched the spinoff of Vampire.It was called the.That's insane.

It was called.

I didn't watch that since I was like 17.Give me that.Give me those shows.Where are you?

My chick was maybe somebody else.I'm thinking of you watching like Archer.And like the Batman, the Gotham.I watch Gotham, I watch Gotham.Also a terrible show.These are crazy shows to watch.

Yeah, very bad shows.

Girl shows.I'm not trying to niche -mog.

You're not niche -mogging.It's girl shows.When you're first with a babe, you're just like, OK, what are we going to do?And she's like, We're going to watch like the worst show ever.

I mean, she hit me with Studio Ghibli, which was honestly pretty good.Ghibli's kind of...Boy and the Heron, unreal.And then I hit Harry Potter for the first time ever.

I mean, maybe that's why I'm not married.Yeah.But the girls I'm with are getting hit with Ruud van Disselrooy, all goals scored by Manchester United.They're getting hit with Jeremiah Love highlights.

I mean, this is niche -bogging.

Yeah, that's what they're getting hit with.

Yeah, it's like an iPad kid.

I go, you watch this shit, check this out.

I'm not used to how hyped the Eagles were before this game.

I'm too.I'm too little bro I don't even I don't I see a remote.

I'm just I just like look at it I think I think the show I was watching was called the Immortals The movie is the Immortals and the dude from Silicon Valley the Indian guys in it And he has like finger guns.And I was like, dude, this is literally what you're talking about.

Eternals.Eternals.Yeah.Sorry.Immortals might've been with Henry Cowell.You don't like any superior shit.

Um, I like the garden to the galaxy.That's it.That's good.Yeah.That doesn't even count.That doesn't even count.

I never saw any of the X -Men.

Sorry.It's called the originals.I think there was an X, X -Men that I liked.

That's what I'm saying.

It's good.Yeah.

Less than.And then I got a little me time and I was like, hey, why don't we watch No Country for Old Men?And she was into it and the ending happened and she was pissed.So what the fuck was that?So that's the end of the movie.It's sick.

It's awesome.They need clean resolutions, dude.

They need two people to go, Wade, Wade, you can't get on that plane.

Anything outside of that, they go, what the fuck?Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

And then that other guy, he's not talking to himself the entire movie, explaining exactly what he's doing.I don't know what he's doing.How do you get here?

It's weird because they don't care about it when it's horny time.Yeah, there's a movie that's all horny time.They don't, they don't need explanations.I don't know his name or anything.

I might fire out 50 shades.I might fire that back up.

Go into it or no.

Ren is watch it, read it and watch.It's all about.I've never seen it.I've never seen 50 shades.You watched it.I saw I wouldn't saw it in the theaters.

Yeah.I'm trying to see Odyssey.I was on a date.I was on a date.That's a crazy date.

Which date?

Like three years ago, it was like an early day years ago.

It was like a first or second.

No, no, no, no.That's like seventh grade movie.I mean, you look up when that came out, you look up, you look up the air, but it was way, way back.I was in his villain arc.Different people, different time.

Tinder date to fucking 50 shit.

It was before that.It was before that.It was before that.Holy balls, bro.It was another lifetime.Another lifetime.

Fucking horny.That's like German putting on the red lights, bro.That is German taking it to China.

It's hitting me right now that you're a taxi driver walking into the theater, bro.Did you finish?

It was a different lifetime, dude.I hear you, man.

It's 2015.

Same old Matt 2015.

What were you?No, I think I think it was older.That might have been the new one.Some of the original more shades or whatever.That was 50 more.I'm talking about 50.

Damn.I don't know.

You're good like that.

I was good.I was suave.I would just say, hey, let's wait.I was bricked up.

I was completely bricked up.I would have been.Yeah.I mean, you know, I was eternally bricked, dude.Chicks are always reading fucking those sexy books the sexy books.

I love non -stop The best is when they are reading a sexy book You just sit there and start reading out loud what they're reading.It's so mad It's like stop you're ruining it.

It's very hot.They're in book clubs.

Yeah, they all read together That's like jerking off together in seventh grade dude, literally, they're good.

They might just be late on that They hit their sexual peak late.

They do I think they're late on everything.

What they do with it.I don't know, but I haven't run into it yet.Yeah.I've heard that.I've heard that a long time ago.The women peak sexually around like, what is it?

35 or 40?

Yeah.They just don't usually do it with their husbands.

Yeah, they do.They like to build a life that they can just build up deep sexual frustration with it and then they betray it all.That's hot.It is hot.It's undeniably hot.It's undeniably hot.

You need the gold because it's got the mental.I don't know, but it does shit to your brain.Have you tried it?

No, no Trying to give out all the dudes tea in the army.

Is he really?I think that's what you get you like testosterone and you like the apoc you get read like the book of Revelations And then you go and you do it needs to be done obviously in the original crusade Yeah, they did, dude.They did.It was just all like 18 year olds.

Yeah.

Is he getting that approved?Yeah.

You like get tested.30 years old.Just like get tested.Everyone's going to be juiced up, dude.

Smart.Pretty much making Spartans again.Pretty much.I wouldn't mind that.Is what it is, we gotta do what we gotta do.Strong soldiers.

We need more Odysseuses, dude.

I just want the mental aspect of the new boner pills to give me just that.How powerful would you be with just the mental aspect?

I wish my dick worked, I was so horny.I was literally called Adderall, bro.You just get shriveled your head is going a thousand miles a minute I don't get very horny on I don't get I might dick literally it's gone goes away.Yeah I only experienced that one time.

No one can see this the Molly Molly's a monster shriveler, but you don't mind.Yeah Adderall though you hit the urinal and you go dude No, please no one see this All these dudes are getting psyoped on like getting their t -tested and it's like if I was like yo, let me measure your dick right now Yeah, that's what they're just taking like one little reading the shit changes during the day.It does, you know, do you wanna measure your dick?

like someone should be measuring it constantly for like a week, and they like a tea reader That's the there was a I think he's bullshit yardstick in my new house that was left over as soon as I saw it I was like No, let's see where we're at.I'd never want to see this thing.I haven't seen what seven inches looks like.So I thought I was close.It's not a remote.We're not even near.

I just literally like one of these solid across the room.And I was like, so start measuring from behind your balls, bro.

The shaft goes past.Any dude with a tape measure does the same exact thing.Everything you just go.That's what if you're, if you're with it enough, maybe it is that.And then you go, that's what fucking nine looks like.Jesus Christ.

You put it away.Pulling out tape measure, looking at 13 inches is literally classic.

Those are the best reels.The guys are like, yo, cut that two inches.

And the guy's like, There was an ironworker constantly with tells we were like fucking 19 years old he was like I got a cop like a hockey puck I shared an office with a guy who would just constantly tell me about his huge penis.

I would too honestly He would be like I spit in women's mouths.He's like, that's what you do.That's what they want.You just fucking whores He would claim he goes what they want you to do.

I would sit there deeply troubled I'll never never told me to do it.I'll go you you don't like that with you.I don't like that guess I'll do it I just take you to 10.

I turn around to shit on him right away fucking whoreLay on my back lift my legs shit the bed Didn't he did that right III think he did every scat man Yeah, I think so I think there was like a thing where he like he shit on someone's chest or got his chest No, that's you're thinking of Ray J Ray J got he claimed four pounds of shit on him.

Oh, he got shit on by four pounds.

He said he claimed a lady dumped a four pound.He said this on stream.He's in the agency.He was he was on.Oh, that guy?

Yeah, yeah.That guy is hilarious.

Ray J. Ray J. might be one of the funniest guys because a lot of those guys, those entertainers come back and they are like Batman Bill, like six nine.I'm watching.

I thought six nine was bad for something like my head.So fucked up.I was like, damn, they're six nine.Then I saw Dame Dash talking shit on Jay -Z.I was like, who are you?

He's been up there.He's been up to that for a long time.That's crazy.He's done a lot of Tubi movies.Dame Dash was going to make a huge comeback with Tubi.Crazy horse.

What was he famous for in the beginning?

Rockefeller Yeah, he was he was like spraying bottles in the background of the music videos.He was he was the man He was kind of Diddy.He was like He was like he was like it was saying but he was like a hype man for a label that he created So he kind of tore a page out of Diddy's handbook, and he was he was good at it Okay, and then it was just like Jay -z became quadrillion Yeah, and then he was just kind of like Check out my movie.He just like talk shit.

That's something he said.He signed Kanye too.He signed Jay -Z.Yeah.Oh, so he signed them.Diplomats.

Yeah, they were all under Rockefeller.Oh, wow.

So, I mean, he fucking stayed.

He was fine.He was cool.I love his interviews.I would assume so.

Yeah, fucked up.He was.And then I think he got, yeah.

Although his interviews, I will say he's one of the best podcast guests of all time.He wears a suit and just calls whoever's interviewing him gay.It's kind of, it's really nice.

I mean, the reels I get when I'm trying to make dentures, I fuckinglook at the reels.I'm like, bro, he's nice money.

He's he's honestly pretty great.So many great sound goes on The Breakfast Club.Call Charlemagne.The other guy gay because he's like, you guys have a boss.That's gay.And just it's so funny.

I don't want to.I think he might be kind of hammered the whole time.I'm pretty sure he's hammered everywhere.

All these guys are hammered.Yeah, I think he's also awesome.

Hammered suit is going.You guys don't anything about business.You're gay.

Check out my new movie on TV.Yeah.

Fifth year old blacks that get hammered are the greatest.And he's paused and everything.He's a heavy pauser.He's, Payne Dash is the man. I really genuinely think he is the man.

That's what I got.That's why I'm remembering it.Cause he got hit.He hit like a weird pause today and it made me laugh.It's so funny that that's how they split.

Like Jay -Z went and became like, I'm a billionaire.I'm a businessman.And then the other guy got hammered in his suit and was like, you guys are fucking gay.

Yeah, it was doing in Philly I remember that I know I remember that thing him and miss knows The beehive don't have the beehive come after you I Think that's I think now they're more just a brand now Cause I think, well, Beyonce had the country album.Yeah.It was the best country album of all time.

I'll be honest.That one song is a hit.

Which one?

It ain't Texas.

Yeah.Written by fucking the best songwriters in Nashville.Yeah, it was probably a crime.You can't, you can't give a black woman credit for it.

I was, I was a Beyonce.

I was a Beyonce hater.

Fred, old boy.No, I'm going to be honest.

I've been trying to, I've been trying to do a thing for me, dude.

I would go, I would listen.I would go listen.this.I was a Beyonce hater forever.Cause I'd always, everyone Beyonce hate.No, I'm telling you, listen, listen.

I would always all the time in my relationships, the girl would go, well, they would go Beyonce's about it.She's all right.And I was, I was just geared to hate.So I'm like, let me just give an honest listen to this album.That song came on.I'm like, it was a toe tapping hit.

It was a toe tapping hit.

Come on.I'm a shaboozy guy, bro.

Shaboosie's nice too.

He's the most positive dude I've ever seen on video.

Shaboosie's nice.Queen be just all every bar bill just say she slayed just say she fucking ate all right I think it's the pop country rush over No, it's just me and Billy's coined the term Judeo -christian.

Judeo -country.Judeo -country.They've moved from the rap.So like, you know, it's like, oh, the CIA.Like, we're like, I'm going fishing.I'm drinking.

I have a truck.

It's called Judeo -country.You made it up.Do you like that?It's a great term.No, I don't like it.

No, like wake up country.Yeah.I'm at a lake.

I just did you see how there's no rap in like the top 40 right now.Yeah.I have sworn has went on Jersey.Drizzly will come back and he did.

He goes country.That'd be nasty.He'll go country.

There was rumors.No, I think it was a means he won't go country country.

He would dominate.

Yeah.Right now that it's all country and like shit like that.And like, uh, this country is a new rap metal.No, it's a new rap.Yeah, it's rap, but it's country.

Yeah, true.Okay.Fair enough.Dude, I'm telling you people are sleeping on the TPUSA halftime show It's what you were talking about with him where it's like oh, it's literally my aunt my new girlfriend She's so hot man so horny for my sex his lyrics are fucking They're crazy.I saw that years ago.I remember I heard of him and I actually would like listen to Bad Bunny and I was like, what the hell is this guy talking about?

I looked it up and I was like, yo, bro.I talked about it on the local New York news program.I'm never doing that.

It was my favorite one.The one.No, the local wasn't the Philly.Philly is the one was one of the craziest one.

Did you know when I when I did this special thing, especially they were just like, I didn't look like an age 24 movie.It was crazy.

Oh, you did that, dude.His little.Yeah, that's fucking nuts, dude.

I don't know.They were like, just do all these.I was like, yeah, whatever.Whatever it needs to be.I'm a team player.Yeah.

To a fault.

You're DTP.Now, I mean, that guy downplayed.

I said, yeah, whatever you think was not DTP on the show.These guys are fucking coming at me. my brother had beef with him.So I was ready for him to start.So I was on guard the whole time ready to be like, yeah, dude, you're a fucking asshole to my brother.So then like I was there ready for him to start, but he was so nice.And also as soon as I got there, I went, I shouldn't have done this.

And I came out like, Hey, but also too, I couldn't stop.

Whenever I'm doing this is to get more eyes on your show the special pose.

Yeah, whatever whenever I do a new thing I can't help it.I have this look in my eyes That's just like a very intense kind of look cuz I'm just feeling like what the fuck's going on right now And it's I didn't realize how I've hunter I yeah, I mean you guys like public people so like you have to learn how to look

right you get like I haven't done your Eyes are glassy on that.You're like what?Guys like so you have a new special coming out that had to be like that's pretty cool man.You made it to Netflix.

You're like yeah visibly thinking Yes Well, that's a little weird.I'm like, it's not that weird thing when he was talking homeless people.That's a little it's not at all It's totally fine to laugh at homeless people shitting.He was like, okay, I guess it is.Yeah, that was weird the pot I also Really?

Yeah, I don't think radio guys Used to get me with that.I'm going to do a radio thing and you sit there and you're like 6 a .m.This is nuts.You got, you got, think you guys are trash.The way you're talking to me, it's like local news radio humor where it's like, there's like weird sexual innuendo is like the funny, the funniest thing they can do is sexual innuendo.

But they're also, they'd belittle you the entire time.

Yeah.It's a room of like six people that see each other every morning.

I think I'm pretty funny.I think I could do what you do, honestly.

Yeah.Okay.Dude, I'm an Eskimo brother with one of those guys and they do do comedy.They did do comedy and they ended up there.

Oh yeah.That's that for sure.That's also congrats.

I mean, you can't do that on camera.It's Baltimore.It's a guy in Baltimore.

Okay.I respect any my eskimos.

I would never fight with an Eskimo, bro No, I mean my swords are down now.Hmm.My swords down now It is crazy dude I at 40 you're better than me

falls off a cliff.It's like clockwork.

It's so it's kind of sick No one's ever gonna top that show.It's the greatest show that's ever been made.

When he's hyped after they do the news and he goes out and punches the fuck out of it.

Start, honestly, season one, pilot to the final of four.It's amazing.Unbelievable ending.Yeah, it won't be touched ever again.It's just, it's Mount Olympus.Fresh however.

It's Mount Olympus.That's kind of like my dick right now.

It did it all, dude.It's done it.It's done it, dude.

It's like an eastbound down, dude.

It's the best.

Season 4 eastbound down.

If it does anything now, it's like the Home Run Derby.

No now it's more.I'm just all like you know like some planets like a year for one planet is like niners Dicks on a different rotation You're hitting that thing we're like actually you think it's a solar system.

We're going through the universe It used to be fleet -footed Mercury.

It would just be like to revelate I Now it's just old.Yeah.It's not even a fucking planet anymore.It's a dead star.

It's just ice and shit.It was never even a circle.It's shit.It's out there.

Its moons are just now a fine dust that form rings.It's crashed into each other.Then you eventually start getting ding dong bitched.And then you fucking run as fast as you can.

You're an old man who just starts getting dinged on.

It's time to take out the pistol.You start chasing little kids.

I gotta get out of the city.I have like 10 years before I'm, I can't remember what day it is that I have a gun.

No, you just walk.Your dick is so soft that your head's light.You're like, it's never been this.Then you fall down, you walk and the news is right there and you go, you just start watching the news and you go, finally, it's the news.on shreve or do you get hang time or you just have ball hang time well here's the thing i've i've reclaimed i it's you do cardio and your dick does start but no one's had more dick can i tell you something can i tell you something that's six years again no no it's not it works perfect it's fine no no listen this is this will give you an insight into my life the other day the other day it actually it got like regular hard, like how hard it gets when it's like fully working.And my wife laughed.

What the fuck is going on killer, you know, come on, come on, it's hard.

I live in that.Whoa, here it is.You get a whoa tiger.This is what I meant.Every time we've had sex, this is what I was going for.

It's the pure expression, but now it's a, yeah, it's, you know, it's, it's so cyclical dude.Cause here's the thing too.I can't even fap because of the chance I'll fap myself out a simple fap.I'm fapped out for two days.So it's like I just I'm on edge.So every now and again, you time the fact like again, what would happen if you edged every day?

Oh, I can tell you about this later.

I don't think anyone can actually edge the edge.There's no way I'm not doing it.

If you were a high level like guy like Sting, you could add everything.

The guy's writing music from the 14th century.Sting practiced Tantra.

That's legendary.Crazy.

Kevin Gates claims that he's doesn't Kevin Gates is incredible liar.

Yes.He's dead.He's alive.

The guy is dead.Which one?There's another there's like a manosphere, dude.I think he died.

Oh, you're talking about the Black Manisphere guy.Yes.What's his name?

Oh, he had cocaine in the system.Yes.Yeah.The guy who would call women fed.

Who was that guy?Kevin.It's Kevin.something right Kevin Samuel.I forget.

Hey, you might be actually right about that.Yeah, he's like, how are you?

Yes, shut up No job Time for a quick break from the show for a special segment called more or less soccer edition.The entire summer of soccer is on prize picks.Don't miss your last chance to get in on the action.They're offering everything from final winners to most goals scored.So this is what we're thinking for picks this week.

Hmm.Begin with your picks for most goals scored in this year's tournament.Please reference.OK.Yeah.I'm thinking Lionel Messi Argentina eight goals.

Yeah.Kylan Mbappé from France.Yeah.They're done.Who do you have next?There's Ousmane Dembélé from France, four goals.

You know, the key to pronouncing French names is you have to think about what's the most insufferable way to say this.Like that's how you probably say it.Who do you think should have more or less?Oh, I'm thinking Dembo is going to have less.Yes.

And we'll have more.Exactly.So that's our take.Now it's time to lock in yours.Download the app today and use code drench to get fifty dollars instantly in lineups.If you win your first five dollar lineup, that's code drench to get fifty dollars instantly in lineups.

If you win your first five dollar lineup prize picks America's number one sports pick app.

Did you see the the footage of Tiga?from 106 and park tiger.It's not tiger.That's a rapper.It's ticket.It was taken from the basement.

It was before your time is before you remember the basement up and listen.

Yeah.

Yeah, please.But no, he was like on those.He was on.He was on BET forever.There's footage out where he's wrestling his phone.out of his girl.

You didn't see this?No, what?So I think his girlfriend or wife...Dude, their girl has his phone.

It's like Winnie the Pooh.Huh?It's like Winnie the Pooh.

That's his name.That's his name, dude.Hold it down.There she goes.

Yeah, no, but he's wrestling so he basically had a wrestle his wife or girlfriend in front of the kid the kid was like Mr. Tiga stop it.Mr. Tiga.Let go cuz he was like wrestling the mom.He's like just give me my phone Just give me my phone.Oh my god So there's a lot of guys reacting to be like that is that man's personal property and he deserves his personal property Yeah, that's never a good look when you're wrestling the phone from the woman and then going there's nothing in there Yeah, obviously you ever see the you see the video the chimp who gets all the ak -47 everyone just kind of backs away That's all I can do.

So yeah, whatever you want to do just like this from Planet of the Apes No, no, there's a real video.Well, there look is it from Planet of the Apes?

I think I tricked by AI I got tricked from a movie.

That's old school.You know what I'm talking about?

That's for real from Planet of the Apes.Either that or Planet of the Apes copied it Yeah, because there is a scene where a monkey comes out and acts like he's like, Oh, I don't know what I'm doing.He picks up the gun.

I'll hang up and listen.

Maybe I'll hang up and listen.You could be right.Maybe a monkey did pick up an AK.Yeah, that it was on ebombs world.It was one of the first things record.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.It's this is like old stuff.Maybe it was a probably for the internet.

I'm shaking The only thing I'm thinking about is how fucked I am tomorrow.Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think about that, bro There's no way I'm not here's what you gotta do greatest.

Just don't think about that.Yeah, it's crazy Don't read the comments also though.Don't even think hey for you.

Yeah, that's goodEverybody tell me about a gift for him.

Yeah Like oh man, who's it the link cool good for them?Yeah, everyone's just doing their own thing so they go wow shit, that's cool That's all it's only a freak show big deal for the guy that has to go most people don't it doesn't register How insanely massive it is they go wow?It's crazy the dudes do it all the time.Like it's nuts that you guys go places and then give someone like a night of entertainment and then just roll.Yeah.And that's like their big night.

Yeah, that's either date night.

Yeah, that's why when you mom you're like I'm I feel terrible Yeah, and then someone DMs me goes I spent four hundred fucking dollars.You suck.Thanks.I Heard that fucking I heard that fucking joke.

That's all I got we're in this together brother Working on crazy how I do stand I felt like I was for real and Rivendell That was the most beautiful show I've ever seen.

And you start realizing that these guys like build shows and put together shows.It's a whole nother thing.Yeah.

I've literally felt like.I built a show here.Yeah.We got a show going.The greatest.Fireworks Extravaganza.

You're the first comedian.You paid for Pyro's?

They used to cost an arm or leg in fight night.

You remember that?It costs a real arm or leg.Really?The pyros?The pyros.I'm not making a lot of money on this.

I mean, it's a lot of money, obviously, but as much as you fucking pay.Yeah, yeah, yeah.I'm spending a lot on this fucking thing.I'm gonna lose my shirt.I'm losing my shirt a little.

You gotta spend money, make money.

You're exactly right.

Did you used to do that in fight night?

Yeah.

Go out or would you go hardcore and just do nothing, walk out Tyson style?

There was a couple of those, but sometimes I do smoke.Fight night fucking rules, bro.Lasers.Yeah.Haymaker boxing video game is Jordan all the Jordan gear.I was wearing all the fucking stamina depleted Yeah, what's the status on the boxing video game?

I feel like they've slayed fell off.Yeah, they don't have me They were so good fighting.

I was a great.Yeah, it was awesome better than anyUFC game.Fuck all that shit.Fight night.What was that?

Xbox one.

I forget, but it was sick.Yeah.

I was like, Oh, UFC games are so now the original fight night was unreal.The training was unreal.All that shit was awesome.Minigames and Madden I will say was also great.I was also 40 -yard dash, but I did fucking run a 4 -3 with my two fucks crazy I never got it's good.They're long legs if you think about it, literally, I know that's why I would just go I did I was running like my actual Are you serious we're just mash a with your time 840 That's fucking tough.

It was tough.I couldn't do it.Many games.Fuck.That was good.Running back many games was awesome.

I did want to ask you something.College football.

What?Did they really?Yeah.Is it really?Let's go.Listen to Bifrost Bill.

I think it's honestly one of the greatest, greatest episodes.Oh, the one we did last week.Yeah.I will say, though, you kind of claim to be the pioneer of lifting in the house.

It was me. I mean, that's what he said.

I said in the beginning, I said you.

I don't know what.Immediately to the dark, your bodybuilding picture.Yeah.I don't know what part he started.I know.

So yeah, I don't know.They're my afters.

I have the picture.I never had a lifting, bro.You didn't either.

You did.

You took pictures.

In college, dude, you had lifting bros by the time you're in college.

I just had to tell me you didn't have a small I had small mates.They were at the gym.We're taking pic.We weren't popping top taking pictures.

Oh, you're talking about start to finish.Yeah, I was doing all that.Fair enough.

No, I mean, that was the thing that you didn't go in on chicken with BJ's.

Is anybody going on the on the chicken breast?

No, never.I would eat.Why?Why?I feel bad.Classic hoagies chicken classic hoagies.

I was dirty bulking all the time.You're dirty Yeah, I'd eat clean for like three days and just go fuck it dirty ball Bro, I'm looking good.

I'm losing weight.I might as well eat a full fucking dayevery day.That gets everybody.Honestly, I'll never do it.Double dinners.

Yeah.No, that's the thing that was actually scary was my fucking magnesium shit.That was fucking terrifying.What was it?I fucking almost died, bro.From what?

Magnesium.I didn't fucking realize it.Is that good?Okay.Yeah, man.How much too much magnesium?

I think I was dosing it too much.And then were you load maxing?A lot of it, and it was in my multivitamin.And then I started taking a magnesium supplement at night and I was drinking a drink that had magnesium.I did not.

Was this recently?Literally a near death experience two weeks ago.How?I'm sorry.

You're sealing so much value with NDA right there.Bro, I was there.

One second.Completely off topic.But when you sat down, you plopped down and it reminded me of in tires, every single script.Whenever my character sits down.It's like and then Shane plops on the couch And I feel like the 90th time I was like how come I'm the only one plopping Shane plops onto the couch and says are you gay Shane spills into the couch?I mean is everybody on the set dainty no But then I think after I brought it up now everyone plops on the couch.

That's so fucking funny.Inclusivity.Inclusivity is important.Plopping is such a crazy word.And then Shane comes in the room and plops onto the fucking floor.Turd.

Fat fucking turd idiot.

Alright.

Alright, so what are you doing?I'm sorry.

I didn't realize I was double -dosed myself because it was in my multivitamin and my nightly magnesium supplement.I just thought you needed to sleep.

My glycinate, or what are you talking?

It's a complex.It's everything.

It's a whole family, dude.The family's insane.This is just two of them.There's like four more of these dudes.

that are just big dogging each other about Every single conversation you know about the structural integrity of skyscrapers.I was in Toronto.I got told me about that was just I wouldn't have spud might have known yeah That was an example.I was just trying to think of something that was not a real big dog.That was not a real big dog.This is a big dog.

You guys are big dogging on that.Yo, you know, you are what you fuckers do.

My ego's at the door.

It's not even it just comes off.

I'm saying no other form of magnesium crosses the blood brain barrier.You need to buy at least by glycinate or something else.I just have.

I mean, Tom, Tom, Tom, call me. I'm pretty sure that was the highest dose of peyote ever in Garden Valley.I'm like, yeah, obviously it was.How was it?Dude, I fucking go to sleep imagine if you like poured more like money it imagine if you had more Imagine if you were all like multi multi Because you're you're Matt you max out at every at every chance every checkpoint is a max out So it's like imagine if you just poured more water on the gremlins dude like there'd be a city some Tom maxes out The cross you bear I love it it is funny But then I don't think you guys are joking a lot that's like there's always There's always this a hint of seriousness.

I'm dead.

I must die dude.I'm dead You wouldn't be eulogizing me right now.I accidentally - What were the symptoms?

I'm not going to your fucking funeral, dude.I have to go to Mugubi's joke house that weekend.Literally take it back.

I take it back.

What were the symptoms?I'll be there.I'll be like a black lady at your funeral.I'll literally be screaming.Oh no!I'll be screaming on that coffin.

You're gonna have to pull me off.

Dude.

Just saying super relatable topic for a podcast.We've all been there.I was in my bed and I started having fucking heart arrhythmias and my heart was beating like three times in a row without the fucking magnet.I know, but bro, the fucking problem was like it was happening so much.I didn't want to say anything to my fucking wife sitting there.So I need a bender.

I was just, you never had a bender.

I was chilling.But bro, the thing was I couldn't pin it on the magnesium because I had a, monster plate of lasagna.So I was like, not knowing what was going on, but I was literally fucking paralyzed with fear.So I couldn't check my phone.And at that point I was like, if I die today, it is what it is. I can't look this shit up and freak out more.So I sat there for two hours, just having arrhythmias and shortness of breath.

I thought it was fucking magnesium, but I did have a fucking monstrous thing of lasagna, few mozzarella balls thrown on top of that.

Obviously I was hit.I was getting hit with fucking.Heart murmurs and shit like crazy shit.Like a fucking dog.Thankfully they've chilled out.I've got it for ya.

I could go to bed for like a decade with like...Whatever the fuck that was You don't just miss that real breathe.

You're like, oh fuck my heart stop I ran up in the hallway I was carrying this pot and I ran up a hill like trying to show off her fed just fucking around I got to the top of the hill.It felt like Shane was sitting on my chest If all of you guys were like pushing on my chest like no air really like but I'm standing up I'm just like oh, yeah, why is it hot as fuck in here?

Sorry Yeah, I thought I was having like a heart attack I've had a couple scares wait, so you can't blame it on the magnesium there.No

the jury's still out, but I'm pretty sure as a magnesium and probably like Garfield lasagna Shit was good as fuck speaking of grub and I watched Kirby's Kirby's at the home run Derby was Psychotic dude, first of all, he's got a tailored driven.He has a tailored baseball jersey So it's it looks like a small t -shirt The sleeves come up to like here.It's like a grease crazy.

There's like a level.I don't know Hebrew I don't know what you call it like what is it?

He brought binoculars in a pouch attached to his khaki shorts.He took out his binoculars.No problem Just sit next to us.Just what are you looking at exactly?And then he was like, oh this is my I'm gonna order a slice of pizza he ordered a full pizza wasn't a full pizza sat by himself and ate an entire pizza.I don't think he grew up like that.

He usually doesn't.This was...His favorite pie?Yeah.It was impressive to watch.What pie?

Do you know what pie was?Oh, no.I forget.

It's got me curious now.

He said they only had it here and the beach.So mac and mangos?

So you guys are in a box.It's got, I mean, yeah.Is that what's going on?

Yeah.If it's mac and mangos, I almost understand.That's a, was it swirly cheese?Was it swirly sauce?Yeah.That's mac and mangos, brother.

That's good pie.Yeah, it is.It's mac and mangos.I, Kind of with him on that Mac and Macos.It was awesome.It was awesome.

You're getting into my world right now.This is all I do on YouTube.It's food reviews and casino reviews and boardwalk.

Well, that's great.They were trying to say you could crush a cruise.I could crush a cruise now.

When I was younger, I couldn't do it.But now that I realize the beauty of I'm in a hotel in the sea, but it's so small, there's no windows in the room.

I would suck ass.

It would suck.I did a I did a Royal Caribbean when I was 14.It was it's kind of lit, honestly.

I think if I was 14, I could probably handle it.

Yeah.

Now I would be furious.

It's the Monroe Institute on the fucking waters, the food.trash, bro.

What are you talking about?What about the new?There's an English.There's an English cruise.

Bill, you haven't seen the videos I've seen you right now.You haven't.The Four Seasons has a yacht cruise right now.You don't know there's high in how much it sells out right away.It's like megabucks celebrity extras.This is not Stop guys not not big -dogging when I went on the cruise when I was 14.

I got the dinner with the captain Probably I don't know why he probably got 16 dudes with captain outfits It was with my friends family.

It's called grooming.

I remember they were like, we're gonna eat dinner with at the captain's table tonight I was like, okay.Yeah, it's like snow probably a drunk Yeah, we were drinking wine.We drank wine.It's cool.You're walking all of a sudden you go, whoa, and your legs are sea legs.

Yeah.

But I heard they're terrible for the coral reefs.

I mean, it's whatever I all I do is watch YouTube videos about it.And what it what it did was it graduated into a swinger.Yes.And I didn't do that myself.

You build it.They don't build themselves, bro.Somehow you wound up in super deals and fucking swingers, Algo.You crawled there, bro.Yeah, the cruise and swinging thing's a big thing.

You brought that upon yourself.

It was funny, though.We had a good time with it.Yeah, you were warming up to something.

You were maybe trying to get a hold of these swingers, dude.What's that?Bless the swingers.Give them the wog.Yeah, right.Get the pill for your mind and body.

I would like to take that but with like full medical supervision.Yeah, so I take my wife to the hospital And just have them watch this wrong cool blessed right now and let him watch me fucking just like

a mediocre.Only flexing your ass.

That's the stroke to his breaker off with mid day.Yeah.

King of that, bro.

I mean, I thought the premature stuff was I thought the I didn't realize the premature stuff was like this.You know what I mean?When you're young and then when you're old.

Yeah, you didn't prejects.

Oh, it's down to pump junk all day long.

That's fucking great.Prejects.Not bad.

Prejects is an accomplishment.You ever get to know Jack on soft?No, Jack.No, Jack's terrible.They get mad.I don't know what that is.

It's alcohol induced.No, Jack.

Oh, like no coming hit.No, it's alcohol induced.No, Jack's fair.Yeah.Spades on top of the Mounties.He skipped a snip.

It's pretty.I'm a huge dick.I come all the time.I don't want to hear you.

You have your full penis, bro.

And I'm sorry, we're mutilated.We're fucked.I gotta do cardio just to get it up.I gotta swim a mile a day just to get my boner.I'm basically pumping it.I might as well have a pump in my balls.

They have that.

They have that for the girls, yeah.I know.The trans.Yeah, they have the pump.

Guys, porn stars do it too, apparently.

Oh, really?

Yeah.Dude, any porn star you see, apparently it's never a natural boner.Not a single one to make themselves feel better.

Yeah, these are guys Bill I watch I watch Mark Liotta has to fucking calm down with that shit.What do you want exactly soft white horny belly?

Glory hole girl porn actress like dude, just literally you have the world you could interview anyone Did you ever see did you ever see when he I don't know if this is I'm not niche mugging right now, but one time one time he I mean

I hit him with my one niche mug on the way here, which was flags You know what hurt I was bragging about my trivia to somebody I was sitting there showing them and I was like dude I get this I get this walk outside There's a kid, you know, you know the people that do like sign up for shit the people.Yeah Yeah, and this kid just comes up to me and goes can you name a state that ends with the letter K?And I was like, there's not there's That quick that one that one gets people.Can you New York?Yeah, he was like you've been there and I was in New York and I was like what?

It's New York, and I was like I have to leave First in front of this I was like Arkansas ends with an S. Oh, no, there's not one And then eventually I, yeah, I spazzed on that one too.

I just came up somehow, somewhere and I was like, oh man, I had a dream that in the Great Lakes, if you were like, I want, I don't know what I watched that like had this happen to me, but if you were like in the Great Lakes around Lake Erie and like Lake Michigan and shit, if you looked above it, there was Norway.And I had a dream that that was real.And I had that, I had it wrong my whole life.And I lived like a whole day thinking like, damn, I figured that out.And then I saw a map again.And I was like, oh, wait, I don't understand.

Yeah.No one could understand.It's like, they were like, it was like, I thought like, I was like, nor in where Canada was.And I don't know.It's probably world cup clips.I saw that, like, got this going on in my head, but like for a whole day,

day I was like that's crazy Read a book one time that was like a fiction like completely not real Nonfiction I would get that confused.Yeah, but it read it thought it was fucking real the whole time then finished Do you remember what it was?

It's called Jenny flat.It's by Tracy Twyman.What happened in it?I got she was doing like she was like invited to these like weird like prime minister like level British Masonic rituals.And then I was like, this is fucking nuts.

Oh, but do the horny one underbelly.He or whatever is where you're going it.He didn't want to do this.

You're kind of pretty.

Did he interviewed a prostitute who was Pretty hot, obviously.And and, you know, asked all the questions.And then he eventually, like, got her an apartment, helping her to get her act together.Yeah.And she had been lying the whole time because he was like he had much like the Whitakers, dude.He had her on and he was like, hey, welcome back.

And he's like, turns out you were lying about a couple of things, dude.He he had a key to her apartment.So he was like, I just thought it was weird.Like you said, you're out of town.The lights are on.So I just stopped by.

I had to use the bathroom anyway.And there was a fucking guy in there.

And she ended up getting like a weird young girlfriend from this, bro.

She she was she was having sex with her half brother this entire time.

Many such cases.

And he was he was just laughing, texting like, bitch ass, pussy ass, fucking trick your ass.I got all that money, bitch.It's kind of nice.I started having both of them on.

Yeah, the Whitaker's got like money and stuff, and then he got pissed at him because they start misusing Fonz.It's like, dude, have you looked at Dimmie and Rhett?They have dip spit on their shirts.Dimmie got scared by a chick.falling on the ground.You think these people are going to use the funds properly?

You don't even know what money is.It kills me that I think like to some people, I'm a Whitaker.And you know that.

What are you talking about?

There's elite people.There's elite elite people that would look at us as Whitaker's dude.No, for real.They would shoot it.

You're talking about like Palladians.I'm telling you, you have to be like a fucking alien race.Like Whitaker's are fucked up.

Bro, I'm tellin' ya.

Timmy and Ray are jammed.King Charles thinks we're ridiculers, dude.King Charles has fat ass hands.You ever see his pictures?Yes.He mocks me.

He's got venison hands, bro.He crushes my hands.Really?Like, actual, like, looks like a hamburger helper.

Which one's Prince Charles?Charlie boy.He's the king right now.Okay, he's the king.Gotcha.Not Edward.

I'm thinkin' of Edward.No, who's the guy?Andrew.I'm thinkin' of Andrew.Prince Andrew.Naughty boy.

He's a part of this guy.He got completely cut off.

Yeah, he was having sex with minors.

Yeah.

They were like, Yeah, we got to.You can't really fuck around.He's out.He's out.He's out of the picture.Try to hit it.

I don't sweat.Fucking excuse.He was he was.

That's awesome.Yeah, he was on his toes.He was on his toes.I was at Pizza Palace all time.Yeah.

Also to him, you got to think like, oh, annoying.That probably is getting in trouble if you're a fucking royal like that blows.Dude, I get in trouble your whole life.

I was I kept laughing when he was in jail for like 10 minutes He the first guy to get Prince bussy.He's gonna be nuts.Oh, yeah someone he got right out, but dude imagine He's the first prince in jail since like But yeah, no, yeah, I don't know he honestly for him though hookers were like porn for him Yeah, you would probably just be like, yeah, what I'm bored of this kind of get to a level where it's like not even hookers.

Yeah, they don't even like hookers.They want ones thatdon't want it Yeah, they take it.Yeah, if you thought that you see you take and start stuff.

Yeah That's royalty bro, that's what they're up to.

Yeah nonsense.Yeah.So anyway, what else is going on?Yeah shows will be crazy tomorrow I can't think about a single other thing.

Yeah, you just got back from knob, bro.

You've no idea though I fucked up.This is a huge mistake That's what I mean.

I mean, how many years would you have before the show?

How many beers will have before this?This feels like a four or five on.

I think four or five to go out there.You're almost like.Four is perfect.That would be.

Yeah.Four.

This is how legends are made.

Four is a foot in each world.You have a foot in each world.Yeah.Ten.

Three.Yeah.This is going to be four or five.This feels like a four or five.

Everyone be pumped up.They'll probably just be run on adrenaline.Simple.Just go out there and don't think about it.Stay away from lasagna.You gotta eat clean before the show.

Eat clean, watch your magnesium.By glycine, it's fine.Watch the citrate.It's more physical symptoms.

It's like when you lost your vision at Matt's bachelor party.It's gonna be up there.

Yeah, but if you come out and just shake up the bun, just go.The place is gonna go nuts.That'd be sick.

That'd be a sick move.Dude, do that.That'd be nice.

I told you, I just got one move.I'm just gonna say, boom, boom, boom.

That's why Kid Rock had his boy.True.That's what you need.

The what?

Who's Kid Rock's boy?JT or?The midget?The midget, yeah.

Yeah, true.I forget his name.It was JT.Do we have any friends that can do that?

What was the midget's name?That's gonna fucking kill me.Jack Spade and Fubo.Give him a shape up before we go out.

I gotta be on whatever big J's on here.yeah, whatever.He's on it.He's doesn't care What's that Robert Downey jr.Takes them?Maybe he's on beta blockers.

I don't know how you would do that.I'm not gonna fucking risk that I've never done it.Well, apparently so I'm gonna try it there Yeah, that's a big trying through a couple bud lights.Yeah, that's a real baby.

It should work.Well the beta blockers They're saying they're the most widely prescribed thing in the world Like they're totally, I've had people pitch me on them and I'm like, nah, man, I don't want to do that.I'll they're like, you literally can't freak out.And I'm like, I will find a way.

So that's, I need to be able to freak out.I think to be able to be on stage, fighting that ride the light.

I think so too.

I'm up there.Like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm going to say that it's like your heart can't reach over a certain heart, like level of heartbeat.So if you're on them at like psych meds, Yeah, you kind of are like light segment so that you just can't your heart doesn't won't go that they don't beta blockers You probably hijacked a big screen put on YouTube's that would be a sick fucking check 45 minute Midwest safety video.

We're gonna watch it.I mean that would be kind of sick.Honestly, I agree What time do they kick everybody out there's got to be like time I don't know we'll be alright though.

Yeah with time It's not that long of a show You ever see the House of the Holy cover for Led Zeppelin?Yeah, it's like that.

Everyone's leaving, just calling it's naked butts growing up to pass out, right?It's going to be crazy.It's going to be out of control.

One out of 100 pass out, right?

I would say it's going to be so many people.

You got to you got to.There's no death.You got a video on a fucking trip on the on the crowd.Cameras, probably bro.That turns into wing bowl.You ever been a wing bowl?

You have?

No, but like, do you watch the hot dog contest?Never.

I was just talking to Tom about wings to go their wing.They had like this sauce levels.It was it was homicide, suicide homicide.

genocide.

That used to be Wings to Go sauce.That's how we used to be able to talk, man. I know.

They took that away from us.

I know, I used to be able to make, I'll have a, let me throw in some genocide.A dozen genocides.A dozen genocides and a suicide just for me.

First I'm done with the genocide.And then it's surrounding my bunker.

Homicides and some suicides.I put a cyanide cap in my dog's mouth.

I say goodbye blondie.

Yeah, so they have the basketball coach, make guys run some suicides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you're not allowed to say that.And they don't, you know, you run a blitz.

It's true.For real.

It's crazy how many were.And if I think about it.Yeah.All the sports.

All roads.All roads.

It's almost like we merged with them.Yeah.

Libs.I've seen some I've seen some libs hitting.Sports are fascist.

OK.

That's like one of the things.But not soccer.It's like, no, that's fascist too.Oh, really?Worrying about individual.Libs love the World Cup.

You don't want to win.Winning is like it's like sports should be about fun.That's the hardest cope ever.

It's crazy I mean the minute you get out there sports are about fun And then you get cut from the team and all the dudes that are on the team.They think sports is about winning.

Yeah, yeah fucking jerks They're fascists Then fucking dumb girls keep fucking all the guys on the team assholes fascist bitches Fascist enablers all they know they're fucking oppressed by the same so kids don't even play jackpot anymore was jackpot like you would, everyone at recess, one guy would throw the ball to the dudes.

You'd be like 500.We played it.

We played it at a beach trip.

Yeah.Now.Oh, now it's just called Moss.So the minute you moss someone, then you get the ball.

But why can't you just call a jackpot?

They just call it Moss.I don't know.I'm just saying time to change.

I've seen some kids.Yeah.It's really where it was the best.

Yeah, that's crazy.

It's really weird.But yeah, I see kids play jackpot in the pool.in my house.

Really?

Yeah.

Jackpot in the pool is so fun.

It's pretty awesome.

We're going to do that soon.

But I can't wait.I lost my wedding ring playing jackpot last time at the beach.Just flew off my hand.

That was great.What did you were all with afterwards?

What do you mean?

Rubber.

Didn't have one, I just didn't have one for a while.

That's fucking so sick.

Yeah.Didn't have one.I don't give a fuck.Sometimes I don't wear it all day and I just go, I don't give a fuck.Whatever happens, happens.Whatever fucking happens, happens.

Sick LARP.You can't wear it.However long it goes on.

And honestly, I do feel weird without it all and I do feel kind of like...Free?You feel like you're up to something.I kind of do.

Like Toby.No, dude, don't.

I am.Or I'll like forget it, I'll leave for the weekend to do stand -up and I'll be on stage and I'll try to preface it by being like, I'm not trying to get pussy, I just forgot my ring.And people are like, okay dude, how about you calm down?I'm like, I'm just kidding guys.I thought it was a funny joke.

It's clearly funny.

Gee, sorry Stardom, thought you guys had a fucking sense of humor here in fucking Alabama.

That's the worst the thing you're like this will be funny.This is a personal thing about me right now Yep, the crowds just you staring at you.

Hey everyone.I just say diarrhea before I came out here.

Say the thing we want to hear yeah, I'd retire I Had to retire the eating babies joke I had to retire it Just don't yeah, I thought it was a poignant observation podcast Absolutely ruins the vibe so Okay, so I'm going out there.I go.Hey, you know it's fucking his birthday.I'll fucking give you I'll give a fuck whatever crushes every time and then and then I say you know I say look the world is Kind of designed in like a scary fucked up way and I say, hey, have you ever eaten veal?And they go, crowd goes, yeah, I've eaten veal.I mean, you know what it is, you go, yes, baby cow, kind of fucked up.

And I go, you know, lamb, you go, oh, yeah, baby sheep.And I go, so you know what, if you were to eat a human being, who would be the most delicious option?And I started and they go, oh, no.I go, yeah, babies would be, according to nature, the way it's designed.Babies are the most delicious.I was like if you think about it, it would be you know It's kind of fucked up to think about it's kind of like they see their arm pop out a lobster pot you fucking So they don't like that so I've retired it I mean I watched a video today not to debunk your joke, but like I watched a video today in Uganda There's a town of cannibalists that believe in wizards and cannibals and they say that all humans no matter what age tastes the same Really so debunked.

Maybe I can bring that to the stage you can bring that to the stage say guys I'm just kidding all humans taste equally delicious Because you got it.They know really say the baby doesn't taste any better.

I can't be true You don't think a baby's a5 Wagyu talk to these guys in Uganda.It's called rakel rakel.

Yeah Taco Bell's end -of -life cows allegedly.Oh, yeah, I heard about that.They're great Well, supposedly there's a diarrhea outbreak from and they're trying to Taco Bell.No, no, no.They're trying to get news.They're trying to say that their their salad or whatever, like their lettuce and shit.

is because there's Mexicans who are shitting on the crops.And then I looked into it.There was like videos from when Mexicans first came over here.They're like, please shit anywhere but the crops.But they keep shitting on the crops when they're out there.

They're out there.They're not going to walk back.I know.

So like, supposedly, this outbreak is literally from dumping on fucking crops.Have you ever driven through Yuma?No, obviously.Never took the three times means pay.

We're on 310.

What do you see?

I see someone shitting on the cross.

Lettuce farms, dude.And it's all Mexicanos.

The whole thing is shitting on the lettuce out there.

I don't see If you're out there, there's no way you're walking three miles back to a fucking shed We were in fucking Dade County think about the heat and then the itching and the burning.

Yeah, it's probably liquid When they first come here, you're not even wipe right and have to work the rest of the dude our diet wrecks fucking Mexicans when they first come here, they're like

crushes them.

Yeah.

I audibly witnessed a guy who had just been here for two weeks dump.Infant we worked in Tom's taco truck, and I took him into this like place in Drexel's campus And I was like yo he I was like it.Where's the bathroom.I peed him like it's right there He's like no no no hit the toilet.It was like I said I'm outside of Salma god damn Ramon.What the fuck is that?

Every summer we get the lads painting they come over here, and you go damn.That's what we're supposed to look like They're all like Gaelic football players and shit All warm -ups adidas after like a summer dude.Oh the irish summer a summer a wah -wah, bro done.They're fried They look like the rest of us.

They become white trash.

Yeah A couple of eggies.

Yeah next thing, you know, it's too addictive.You just go up to the screen.Yeah, sure rocks.Yeah mac and cheese Little mac and cheese for me.

Yeah, dude, we were we went Back in the day, we would go to Florida for Easter and we're in Dade County.My dad got a haircut from like Dominicans in the hood.It was fucking crazy.Random air.And then we're doing we're going.I got hit with that.

Oh, we're going by like literally almost a plantation.No need to do that.

But my first special, I panicked the day before.And it got ripped with a fucking nasty Dominican Caesar.Like the bags of oil in the bags and girl, do my dad.

My dad went was like.Fuck yeah, that's a good haircut.Bill, let's go.I'm getting you a haircut.Brought me and got one on our way back.

Matching fucking.I did.

Yeah, pretty much.And they all get the same haircut as your dad, by the way.All of us get the exact same haircut on the way home.We're going by like literally like an orange farm.And my dad is, oh, it's like I'm a pull out or smash box right there.It's 98 degrees.

And he took a shit in the fucking porta potty.That was like, dude, it was probably breached.Like, I don't know.fucking scrap yards before up in Absco, up in fucking North Philly, where there was just a fucking abandoned port -a -potty next to the scale.And I was like, I got a fucking piss, dude.And it was literally perfectly diamond up top and just dry, didn't even smell.

Out of water, over.There was no water.Didn't even smell, it's crazy.It was so old.It was just like, it was like a river bank on Mars.It was fucking crazy.

I walked in there.I was like, God damn, that's crazy.And then I just fucking roll.

Did you reactivate?Did you pee on it?

I didn't fucking reactivate that, dude.You gotta pee on it.Where'd you pee?I went fucking under a 95 volcano.

You didn't fucking pee in there?

Bro, that's foul.You gotta pee on the breach, dude.It's the 8th grade science.You gotta clean it up.Clean it up.I would have got, like, fucking some disease, bro.

The mummy's curse.It literally didn't smell.The mummy's curse.I swear to god, that shit...Oh, is this a Mexican in there, like this?Has he ever seen the Mexican aliens?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.They're amazing.They're like papier -mâché fucking three -foot aliens.Oh, fuck, yeah.

That was great.

Yeah, that shit was fucking great.That came and went.There was no other words on that.I know.like the Indian moon landing also hilarious.Well, who's Indian moon landing?

It looks like a deleted scene from the Star Wars graphics.

They're on the control panel, but there is no Bob's up here.Bring it back.

It's like 16 bit.It's really so yeah, it's Star Fox.Yeah.It's crazy.

It really does look like an old video game.It's crazy.They try to pull that just like, dude, just don't go to space.You guys have fucking everything else.You don't have the gear space.

Wait, so did they actually go or do you think it's cab?No, dude.There's no way.Did they go?So they cabbed about the moon?

Yeah.

Oh, it's really beautiful.Oh, they're not lying.It's a very beautiful moon.Yeah.Hollywood Apollo 13 they call mission control every time it goes Hello, sir.

Dude, fuck those motherfuckers.

Let me tell you something!We're coming through the atmosphere, we're crashing.Calm down, buddy.Don't tell me to calm down, buddy!

Dude, I got hit with the outgoing.

Fuck you, buddy!

Fuck you, buddy!

I'll fuck you!

The algo of dudes bothering 7 -Eleven guys.They rage bait the Indian bros.Indian bros always go in the back, get the big stick, come out, start hitting.Now that you said that, I have seen those guys.Where they go in and go, you ever see when a guy walks in and one of those goes, Don't do this Because I'm here to work for my it's my first day They come in, they order an energy drink, they crack it open, they drink it, they go, I don't want this.

It's so bad.

It is me.It's me.

No, they deserve every ounce of it, dude.What?What?Ruined my fucking phone.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not the guys that work it.Guys from the front fucking line.I'm just being racist.Hurt people, hurt people.No, they got me.They made me change my fucking phone.

I was getting 130 calls a day.So much shit.We had to there.You were saying, Can I talk to a white man?Two gets a man every time I.did this.

Dude, they are fucking scamming out old people.I told Spade that for a second.Why are you so mean to him?I'm like, bro, they're literally scamming old people.True.I have to, but they won the battle.

I'm done.

Bro.

They put their flag in my phone number.

Let's fire back up.Fuck.

I love fucking with those guys.I used to call and they would say, what's your name?I'd be like, that's a weird name.It's a H .U .G .

H.and last name is J .A .

N .U .

S.Hugh Janus.Fuck you, you bloody motherfucker.

Hugh Janus would work every time.

I loved it.Fire up the old phone.Yeah.

Sixty nine Ballsack Avenue.That was good.There we go.Zip code.

You just go six, nine, six, nine, six.That's rage bait.No, the best is when you keep them all for three minutes.They go, okay, I'm ready to sign.And what is so real quick, before I do this, I'm going to fuck your mom.

Oh, fuck you, buddy.And I'm fucking my mom.Fuck you.They were getting me for Matt having delinquent shit.And it was an old, I had spade on the phone with me.And she's like, Where's your brother?

I was like, I don't know.I don't know where the fuck he's at.I think he's dead.

She's like, you ain't nothing but a little jitterbug.It was like some Southern.We used to go to.We used to talk to them.And then once they realized it was the both of us, they knew like something was up.Then it was just fucking is mayhem.

Call the cops.

I don't give a fuck.I'm going to fire.I got a fire.I was just thinking about firing those guys back up.You can look up the numbers.I think they have fun with it.

They do.Yeah, they do.I mean, it's a fun part of it.

I like to get if I get most of their day is just hang up.

Yeah.Also, I heard I got an inside track saying a lot of them are in recovery.Oh, so there is some warehouses in Florida trying to like call heroin.Yes.So.Well, yeah, you call me, go, yo, bro.

Thinking about using it, get they get fucked up.That's me. I was a I was told by someone in recovery to hit them with it.

Yeah, I mean, they're they're they're they might not be.

all the way recovered Where you going Florida house you fucking clean man, how many days you got?I'm not saying I'm saying if you get attacked you can't let it go my bad.I mean a Wahlberg out on you guys You look like you're at zero G over there.

He keeps floating up on it.You're the ISS.

Sorry, that's all right.Why is that happening?I have no idea.That's a technical issue.We'll work that out.We apologize.

Bro, it took me a second to write all this thing, dude.Sometimes it's not the wand, it's the wizard.

The wand picks the wizard.

Keeps trying to come over to me.

Fucking you guys are hilarious.Dude, I'm just gonna be OK, bro.Dude, do you ever think about going backwards out on stage?It's odd.

You guys are absolutely fine.You're not old.You're literally normal.

It's not fucking funny.Am I cooked?

I'm chopped.You're undeniably masked, bro.

I'm chopped.You're masked, bro.It's sick.Forget your worries.We'll get a fucking double Sicilian pizza from Franco's with regatta and sausage.Regatta.

Regatta.Regatta.

Yo cuz, we don't wanna be Italian.Imagine the chill afterwards.That's gonna be nice.It's gonna be the chill.Also, it's gonna be the chill.It's gonna be nasty as fuck.

I mean, give yourself a high five, dude.It's going to be my fucking mom's not even going on vacation.

It's funny because she definitely feels bad and she's sending me texts.She's like, I didn't realize that it was a year away.I told her this.No, she knew this was coming.She's like I have to go to Europe me and your aunt you're we've planned it.We've planned this for so long Yeah, she's sending me text it's like just know that my soul is with you.

And I'm like, mom, you're on vacation.My soul is really nice.

Now she's, she's entered that age of like, she'll send me, I'm sure you guys do it too.The moms and dads got ahold of Instagram reels.Oh, it's crazy.And I'm getting hit with like, my son is the most important thing to me.And I love to see him grow into the man he's become.Oh my God.

Respond with homeless.Let me get some shade.

No, I didn't.My mom didn't accept my fucking DMs for like a year.I was about to accept that.I was sorry.

Phil's on the reels.I called him last night.He was.Jones gone.Phil's getting fucking hammered.

Oh, he's like, keep me clean.

No, he's still getting hammered.But this no, no, I'm talking about on reels.Oh, the reels.I think he's still normal.OK, but he was in the night hustle.He was in the dark.

I mean, you got me called him in the dark.

He was sitting in the dark looking at reels and doing scrolling in the room.I was like, bro, what are you doing?He's like nothing.Just looking at the what's the thing?The phone thing was like Instagram.He's like, yeah.

Like dude, this is gonna be the last decade of all the real we oh, yeah There's no sports last night.

Yeah, normally he's on the sport.

Yeah, but sports is unreal.

He's usually That's what he was watching.

I was like, what do you watch reels?It's like bro.He was watching Luke Keeley highlights If I go on the internet dude, it's like Kaitlyn Clark fighting.Yeah, LeBron MJ fucking arguments bro, Messi fucking rotters out.But now it's like messy stuff.

You need to I'll send you the Lou Keekly highlight video that Phil was watching.It's you're going to go, damn, that's actually sick.It's all your water.He was just watching a heady linebacker.Yeah, there's a white man playing for knows again.Just a guy he was calling plays before the offense right I mean, that's Phil shit, right?

He's drunk in a recliner at 11.He's like He looked like when Maverick rolled up on Iceman in the new Top Gun.

He was just sitting in the chair like he's got the glow of the TV on the porch.

But now he's been calling He calls my assistant constantly for tickets.Oh, yeah.Like, dude, he's got like 40 tickets to this fucking thing.And it's people.It's just anybody.Yeah.

It's like Elk's Lodge.Shane, the bartender T -Bone down at the Elk's Lodge.Her.She was in a tough car accident.

Tough car accident.That's great.

The son wants to come to the.

I mean, it's happening to everybody.

It's.Yeah.

Yeah.

That's dude.The list was.

Everybody I ever met.

Yeah.So I'm going to get you box suites, dude.Now that you asked me, I'm going to fucking get you backstage.

I hear him talking to my assistant, asking for tickets.And I'll be like, put that on speaker.You're not getting fucking tickets, Phil.And he's like, God damn it, Grace.Don't fucking let him hear this.So I'm going to need those tickets.

He's getting the ticket.I say no to him every time.He's a power broker.There's Phil has a section at the link, dude.It's just random fucking people that probably don't give a fuck about me, right?Yeah, my son's down there if you want to go check him out.

Oh my god, and I got all you're proud of me.He's likenot proud of you Shane You're wearing a tires hat Fucking scumbag, although he'll be excited.My mom's not there.Yeah Yeah, you have to be there in the morning and stuff I probably will I'll get there pretty early right I'm gonna sit in the fucking Eagles locker room and play Xbox unless I have a heart attack.

Can Phil walk around like he owns it?

He can walk, he can walk.

So why somebody giving tours, dude?

It'll be yeah, and then I'll be like Shane invite him into the green room.They want to meet you Dude, I'm not you bring ten people from the fucking Elks Club Like every show I go.I go.Those are my dad's friends.There's six old drunk dudes in the corner Who was the kid that threw up that one time that was my cousin's Nephew it was like a distant relative showed up and was blacked out you grew up ran to the bathroom So they threw up everywhere throughout the building.Oh, yeah, and then came back in I've done this in my life.

I had a pile of my goobies in Baltimore.That was legendary.Take me back.

That was so fun.

Everyone met their maker that night.

I plowed through those shoes.I was so drunk.That was a big kahuna status.I barely forgot.I didn't remember taking them except in the car ride home.I was like, I'm thinking weird.

Yeah.My thoughts.Oh yeah.

We were banging on your door.I was like, dude, he ever, the whole squad fucking disintegrated.You were ground man. I'm pretty sure I was ground man, but I was heavily sunburned.

Sure.I threw up in the goobies fucking, I threw up in the goobies fucking bathroom and then we went back and I just remember spade and you were all fucked up.You looked at me like, Holy shit, dude, you're sunburned.I was like, yeah, this hurts.Yeah, it does really hurt.

me that night I was spot I was me right behind you I was just sitting there was that New Year's held up.Why were we poppin?It was Memorial Day weekend poppin bottles live casts Those things are they just destroy you they were the live casts are some of the worst shows when you show up and you have no plan There's a fucking live audience.You're like, I'm hitting the eject button and getting shit faced on stage.And you just completely devolve on stage.It's how legends are made.

It was pretty.

It is pretty sick.

Awesome.Yeah, that was got in that fight with the guy about Penn State at helium.Epic guy had to get like carried out.

He's trying to rush the stage to fight Yeah, you were fucking saying I remember that Joppa was that guy like hurt or something like fit like mentally had like a brain I was fired up So angry I forgot about you could always do that shit I was telling you Matt randomly go through people at algorithm up on the fucking screen he did we do I'm just saying like on next time you do a live that would be fun if you do a live fucking Yes, that'd be fun now now we have showmanship truly under our belts after tomorrow.We can have we can lead a circus Abby see if you got rides involved.We're gonna become like Frank John Farris.

He did bar gots He's doing the fucking um amusement.

He's making an amusement park exactly I'm gonna I was fucking wrong strongly considering getting wired up and launching out of the stadium at the end There I was like really fast.

I think you deserve a bathtub I think you deserve at least if nothing else one exotic animal in your house.Come on I'm been scheming on a backyard tortoise.That'd be awesome.That'd be sick having a tortoise in your backyard Yeah, she would break saying no.No, you got a date.You got to dig your fence down.

I really like thatYou got to dig like footers to dig out, but it will trash your fucking garden.They're known as they're known as bulldozers.They'll bulldoze your entire.

That's awesome.It'd be awesome, dude.Fucking you need to get a monk or one of the Michael Jackson's monkey bubbles.I can't watch that video.That's the only thing I think about.

Well, you can start toward us and get a little guy and it'll take a while for it to get big.So he's a little.Humble tortoise.

I think tortoises in Paris live like fucking long as shit.

They live forever.You'd have to put it in your will.Your tortoise would be in your will for sure.

Yeah, yeah.

They live long as hell.

No, I saw a thing.I was watching them.The Saudis are building roller coasters right now.

Really?

You got to see this shit.We don't do that.

It's probably Live League fucking roller coaster park.

Damn.

I'm talking like, dude, it's like decapitations all the time.

How's it looking?

It's fucking sick, dude.I want you.You brought up roller coasters.

I was like, what is the latest on roller coaster technology?It's in Saudi.

That's what I'm saying.

They're pretty great.Are they really?

Yeah.

I haven't even thought about going on one ever since a little boy fucking got hurt on that slingshot one, bro.

Yeah, that's the worst video I've seen in a while.Which one?

Where the fucking thing shoots up in the air and it's coming back down.The fucking fat kid gets to the ground before it hits the cement.And they all come down, but his shit didn't clip in.Yeah.So he got ejected out of the fucking thing.

Let me let me rock that.

I'm no stranger.Busch Gardens.All right.

Post location 65.

Yes.Fucking Saudis do.They don't give a fuck.They have no right.

Five hundred thirty five feet.That's terrifying.Come on, total elevation change, 640 feet, 195 meters for you fucking dorks in Europe.

It takes a while, dude, but 155 miles an hour is worth it.

This is terrible.It's going to be you.Yeah.Let me see.Let me tomorrow.

That's going to be me trying to sleep tonight.

Let me see the drop.This is the drop.That's the drop.First drop.Oh, oh, dude, we got we're taking the loop.

Yeah.OK, we're doing that.You need to look up Williams Grove.roller coaster you have a roller coaster It was fun damn it was small as fuck so it wasn't wooden we thought I do actually yeah, let's rip it.

I have to go walk This will be a mistake looking now it's gonna be great hands behind your back walk through go That let's get a crane in here.We got to move that four feet to the left.You got to do one thing to soundcheck.

It's going to echo.I'm going to go.That's fine.Doesn't matter.

That's where you're going right now.

Yes.Kill it.Yeah.

Let me see that.Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane Secret Podcast on Spotify.

Do it.