Fake Podcast with Bollywood Producer | Abbas Paisewala | S2E1

Hello, my name is Prashan Kumar and my cast is Podcast. It is said that cinema is the mirror of the society. But this mirror has become a little dull these days. People are saying that the bad era of Bollywood is going on these days. And to discuss this, today we have called a very big producer in our studio. His name is Abbas Paisewala.

Abbas Kala Paisewala.

Full name.

Do you have black money?

No, my father was black.

Okay.

I remember my father, order a cappuccino. How do you remember your father's cappuccino?

What kind of logic is this?

We don't give this much logic in films. You are giving logic for a coffee. If you don't want to give it, then...

Okay, fine.

Where will you give it without logic? Chhotu, get a coffee for him. So sir, a new film of yours is coming. Tell the viewers something about it. So see, this is an original film.

Original film?

It's original. What. Original film? Original.

What is it?

Original remake.

What is original remake, sir?

We have copied it for the first time. It is a proud moment for India. Sir, why do you always make remakes? You should make original films too. We have changed a lot in this.

What have you changed, sir?

The whole story has changed. original film I used to work in a bank. I made him an engineer. I got him into science. What else has changed, sir? In that, the villain says that he killed the hero. In this, he says that he killed his mother.

Okay.

This time, his mother was involved.

So, it became a different film.

It became a Marmic film.

Sir, you make such films, that's why your films flop.

Which film of mine flopped?

Your last film, Raja Do Thi Rani.

I heard it was made in 100 crores and earned 20 crores. This is my future hit film. What is future hit? I will re-release it after 10 years. Then I will earn more money than today. I will do it again.

This is a hit in 6th time.

What is this sir?

Yes. What is meant by 6th time? What does it mean in the sixth bar? You are judging it from today's perspective. You see it from zero IQ.

Why will I see it from zero IQ?

See, today your IQ is high. According to which the IQ of the society is falling. In the next 50-60 years, I guess, we will reach zero IQ. Then you will understand this film. This is a film ahead of time, sir.

This is futuristic cinema. This will be taught in college. me Give him his money. In our industry, we give money after 3 months of work. I mean, tell him that he will get it after 3 months. Then we will see.

Sir, he will take the mic and go. Give him the money now.

Hero, bring the money. I don't have any money left. I have no money.

So, download the Kiwi app.

On the Kiwi app, you get a virtual ru that credit card to make any small or big UPI transaction. And you get real cashback on every transaction, which you can withdraw in your bank account. Oh wow! What is this? I mean, the rewards of the credit card and the feeling of UPI. You can use it on every UPI scanner, whether it is a vegetable scanner, a tea scanner or a cab scanner. This is my credit card. Is it free or will it cost money?

Yes, this credit card is absolutely free. No joining fees, no annual fees.

Give me your UPI. I'll do it. If I get cashback, then I'll get a writer's payment from this cashback.

People say that there is a casting couch in Bollywood.

There is no couch. It's on the bed. The cars are long. It will be done. The era of couch has gone. You were also hit by a Me Too a few years ago.

In a party, a model accused you of kissing her for forcing her to eat a cake. It was her fault. What is our fault? A was a cake on his cheek.

Okay.

So what I did was, suppose there was a cake on his cheek, so I went to clean it on his cheek.

Okay.

I was cleaning it on his cheek. Then he turned this way. Okay. If you turn, then you will get see the lips.

It happened like this. What should we do now? She should have stopped. But she didn't.

She kept pressing my chest.

I got a hint that she also wanted to do it. So I started doing it.

She was moving you away.

Okay.

Why didn't you remove the cake with your hands?

No, no. My hands were on her waist.

Aren't you ashamed the cake from your hand? No, no. My hands were on his waist. Don't you feel ashamed to say such things?

Why should I be ashamed of being the father of two daughters?

Do you do all this with girls in the industry?

No, no. The industry has progressed a lot. Now, it happens with boys too.

Do they also have a casting couch?

Of course, they do. What are you saying? Why are you getting so surprised? The one who bows down is the one who has life. Arrogance is the identity of the dead. All the previous actors were dead. Look at these new soft boys coming. They bow down.

No, all your other talks are very bad. But I agree with this that the heroes of today are all soft boys. The previous heroes were all men. Why is this happening?

They are becoming vulnerable. They cry in front of his girlfriend.

Okay.

He feels pain. Okay. And he has started applying sunscreen to his girlfriend. Does a man apply sunscreen, sir?

What does a man apply?

A man washes his underwear, wipes it on his face, comes to the shoot, does the same old actors, beats up his wife and kids, he had a manliness on set, used to look like a hero. What is this? Everyone has become gay.

Became gay.

We have found this hero with great difficulty. But what is this, in reading, I prefer the line of heroine.

I remember from heroine that you have a daughter also, wants to become a heroine, line. I remember that you have a daughter.

She wants to become a heroine and enter the industry. I told her not to come. It's very dirty here. You refused her? I refused her.

You are in the industry. Why did you refuse her?

I refused her because I am in the industry.

So she won't come?

No, now she wants to come. I am getting her trained. That's good. What training did she get? She got face surgery training. Then lip surgery training.

Okay.

Now see, my last film earned 100 crores. And her chest got wider.

Okay.

Now her mother said that she has learnt Hindi. Can you f***ing believe it?

No, no.

Hindi?

My daughter Hindi?

That's right.

F***.

My daughter has worked so hard on herself, sir. Yes. the Why are all the heroines looking the same these days? He's the only doctor, right? He's the only one who does surgery. He's doing the same thing. Why do Bollywood films have Punjabi songs? Because Punjabi songs smell like dirt. No, the smell of dirt is fine, but in the story of Kanpur...

Some story becomes interesting. Look, we had such a great song in this. Shanu, which direction are you taking me, boy? Which direction are you taking me, boy? What is this Shanu-Mudiya? This is Punjabification. This makes the song interesting.

You say any random line, I'll make it interesting.

I'm giving you a line. Teri yaad satati hai, Raat mein neend nahi aati hai,

Bahut rulati hai. See how he is doing it. Teri yaad satondi hai, Neend nahi aondi hai, Mainu ratondi hai, Maini rulend hai,

Burra mainu shanu tenu ken lende. I'm getting drunk, I'm getting drunk Let me tell you something, my friend

What is this?

Drunk, getting drunk, my friend It's a sad song, sir. A sad song.

Kanpur's boy is sad. I spit on my pants, I'm from Kanpur I'm a little drunk, I'm a little drunk I spit on my pants 90, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, 50, music He will record it later. He has to drink juice. He is able to record it only 2-3 times a day. His stamina has reduced.

Hero's girlfriend is dead in this.

Yes.

Why will he sing rap?

He will sing. I will make a scene of tonight. I will burn your heart tonight. I will make you fly.

Badshah, it's your boy.

And how much does he charge, Badshah?

25 lakhs per shot. Shot? He must be charging for the song, right? He sings in every shot.

The award shows in Bollywood

have no value now.

What?

People say that you give awards to anyone.

We give awards to those who come. Those who don't come, no matter how deserving an actor is, if he doesn't come in the award, then we don't give him.

Sir, award is given on performance.

Yes, so do performance. Tiger Shroff is doing performance, we give him. What kind of awards are these, sir? They are good awards. Now, we gave best story award to Ananya Pandey. Is she a writer? She writes good stories. Since then, her followers have increased by 2 million. he deserves it. And who did you award, sir? Janvi Kapoor has again got the Best Newcomer Award.

Why did he get this? How many years has he been in the industry? He has got a new waist. And who did you award, sir? Arjun Kapoor got this Early Comer. Sir, I understand this Newcomer, but what is this Early Comer? It comes early, sir.

And what does he do? He comes early and shows us. He doesn't leave. He is given an award as well. And why don't you give awards to outsiders?

Outsiders can't become stars.

Why can't they? We won't let them.

Okay. Our own kids are in line. We have to launch Chotu Kapoor. He is still in the womb. If everyone becomes a hero, who will be the hero's friend? That's why you discriminate against actors like Nawaz. This is unfair, sir.

Your system.

Nawaz's color.

Okay.

If it was a little fair, we would have given him in the main category. But now we have made a Critic's Choice Boring Cinema Award for them. We give them in that.

Fair enough?

Yes, you have to be fair enough to become a hero. You are accused of not giving money to the writers. Because they don't deserve the money.

What is this?

If they give money, they go and eat. They eat twice a day. Then they don't get up to write.

Why?

Their attitude is like this after getting the money. They sit next to you. They touch you. You should keep the writer suppressed. These are the people of the lower class. Sir, in a movie worth 50 crores, you give 30 crores to the hero.

Hmm.

But don't you have money to give to the writer?

What kind of logic is this? If you are giving 30 crores to the hero, then give the money to the beggar too. Sir, the writer spends 2. Sir, the writer writes a film in 2 years. Who told him to write it in 2 years? We write it in a week. You are not understanding the hard work of the hero. This time my hero locked himself in a room to prepare for the role.

In a room?

He got locked in a farmhouse room and is not coming out. There are different types of girls coming out of there. He is not coming out.

He is going deep into the roll. We haven't read that much script. But he has prepared and took 20 crores.

That's why you have to make remakes of stories. Have you ever made a real story? Look, here's a real story. This is what the writer says about Bhosle.

Tell us.

That a wormhole will open in the universe and an alien will come from there and he will fall in love with a girl from here and will do a social commentary. This will be a commentary on migrants. The comparison of aliens has been done with Bihari.

Sir, this is an interesting story.

Yes, this is an interesting story.

Sir, this is something new.

What have you thought? I mean, I don't understand that girls are not being found on dating apps here. I am not able to impress a heroine. Will an alien come and take away a heroine? I said the same hero will go to Pakistan or not.

How many item numbers will be there? No answer. Sir, a film can be made without item number and going to Pakistan. You are looking very passionate. You tell a story. We will make a film on it. Tell.

Yes, sir. I have written a story for two years.

Okay. Tell. I am watching reel till then. Okay. So sir, this is a story of a girl from Bihar. She is a very poor girl, sir. And she goes to villages and… She is a girl from Punjab. She is a girl from Punjab. Okay. So, she is a poor girl from Punjab. You are listening, right, sir? I am listening while watching the reel. The audience will watch it anyway. You continue. Okay. So, she is a poor girl from Punjab. She goes to villages and walks on the road and shows a show. to Send her to a community, we'll make her a girl like that. Okay sir, she's a poor girl from a village in Punjab.

She goes to villages and shows swimming to people. And one day when she was showing swimming, a villager sees her and recognizes her talent. And he says, I'll train you and you'll go to the Olympics. And he trains her and sends her to Pakistan as an agent. Why would he send her to Pakistan by teaching her swimming? to Sir, have you seen India? Yes, I have. Where is the capital of India?

Delhi, sir.

Manat is the capital of India. And the people of the village? I will slap you on the face. You are telling us the story of foreigners.

Sir, 80% of India is the same.

80% of India is poor. Get them out, see how we will develop.

Sir, you are a big producer of Bollywood.

We want to understand from you how is the project making of a film? What is the process? I will show you after making the film.

Sitting here?

No, I will make it standing. You work hard in the film. Yes, chat GPT.

Okay.

Make a fake poster of Deepika and Ranbir. A film by Abbas Paisewala releasing this April Fool. Tell me the name of the film.

What should I tell you?

What should I tell you? Wow! Look at this. The film is posted. Now here comes the call.

Yes? Okay, do you have money to invest? How much? I don't need money but give me 100 crores. Let's see what I can do.

You put it a minute ago. Now you have a call.

I have a message from OTT.

What message?

This film looks cheap. Sell it to me for 200 crores. Look. They are proud of OTT.

You have sold your rights too?

Yes, I've sold my rights.

But the story, sir...

You're in a hurry for the story. Let the film shoot first.

Will you watch the story after the shoot?

After that, we'll make our own sense of the story. Don't worry too much. And who will decide the director? The hero will decide. But sir, this process is wrong. Yes, the process will be wrong because we were born without a process. Without a process? First we were born, then we got married and then we got a father.

It is said that there is a lot of nepotism in Bollywood. No, there is no nepotism. All our light boys, camera men, spot boys, chapparassi, cook, director, all of them are outsiders. We have taken a hero-heroine-insider, and you call it nepotism. So, this is what you call nepotism, sir. This is what you call nepotism. I took a thousand auditions before,

and then Soham Kapoor was selected. And his talent is that he cracked the film without giving an audition.

Without giving an audition.

And when Soham Kapoor came in the film, what he sees inside is that his father Dhananjay Kapoor is the co-producer. See this coincidence.

Sir, you are launching your friend's son, who is also the producer of this film. And you are saying that there is no nepotism.

Oh, if there was nepotism, I would not have launched my son. I refused him. So poor guy went to the industry. Where did he go? So he went to the industry. Where? He went to Dhananjay Kapoor's house. So he does swapping in the industry? That's his hard work.

What hard work? He could have gone in a bigger car. But he always went in a mini-cooper. He learned so much. He learned to go to the gym. Self care.

Learned to dance. Learned to take drugs. He draws such a long line. I feel proud. I've never pulled so much. And acting, sir? Where did he learn acting? Oh, that... Arjun Kapoor.

Okay.

I'm a boy from the underworld, your friend's old man. Why don't you accept that he's your son, that's why he got the main role in such a big film? An outsider never gets such a big role, sir. So why is an outsider having a poor father? He has a rich father, he should motivate his father to become a producer, but he won't be able to struggle.

Do you know how much star kids struggle? What was your son's struggle? My son is a star kid, but his struggle is that his father never became a star. His father never went on a trolling. His father never got a nickname from KRK. How can I be a star that he became a star kid?

Do you know how much fun he used to make in the industry?

Are you emotional?

Yes. Take the handkerchief.

Wherever I used to go, he used to be made fun of. Everyone used to launch from Burma, from Indonesia. That was not launching.

Why was it not launching?

We were not launching. I was coming to find out my work. So one day he got up, took out a crore from the cupboard and said, Papa, I will do PR. I will be a spot. I don't even understand what kind PR done. I'll be a spot.

I didn't understand what spot he meant. He wore a half-pant and went to the airport.

He was a spot.

Day and night, he was spotting.

He was a spot at the massage parlor. He worked so hard and now he's launching. He worked so hard to get that spot. He is such a humble son of a father that he still talks to me. Can this outsider do it?

That's right.

they get 4.5 stars. How does it happen?

Sir, we invest in writing. Writer is starving you? That writer is starving me. So what writing? I am talking about review writing. See, a second draft of a newspaper has come. Brilliant one time watch passive viewing. 4.5 star.

Sir, your film is called passiveive Weaving. How did you get this good review?

We have to make Passive Weaving. We don't want to do the Anurag Kashyap gang thing. That we engage in the story. You have forgotten the time in the cinema. You come out and talk about the film. You go home and read about the film.

We don't want to do this. We make passive viewing. You run this on OTT and go live in a kitchen. Go and do all the work. Cut your nails, get a nap. The story will not move forward.

This is our guarantee. The second film that has been released with your film,

can they buy 4.5 stars?

No, they can give money but they won't get 4.5. Why won't they can pay for it, but they won't get 4.5.

Why not, sir?

Their samosas don't stay hot.

Why not?

Ask them, they must be giving stale samosas, they heat it in the oven and give it to you. What about us? They are the ones who filter it. Your service is good. 4.5 star, then it's a bad movie. True. If it's not sold in two samosas, then it's a bad movie.

When will we be able to compete with Hollywood?

Why should we compete with Hollywood when we are ahead of them?

How are we ahead, sir? Look at our VFX, look at their VFX, it looks so real.

It's real, it's not VFX. They have an island where dinosaurs live, where humans are not allowed to go. So they go there and shoot from that island. Sir, you are telling me the story of Jurassic World.

They have created it with CGI and VFX.

So this is a f**king fiction.

Sir, this is a science fiction story. Why can't we make such a science fiction story?

Everything happens in real life in our country. Why do we need CGI? What do they show? There's a flood in New York. It rains in our country. There's a flood in Gurgaon.

There's a flood in Mumbai. Shoot it. We're shooting a building falling. We're shooting a bridge falling. Everything is happening. What's happening there?

If all that doesn't happen, they do CGI. If you need CGI VFX, like removing the garbage from the road, showing the drain, we can't do that much. People say, this is not India. We have to learn a lot from Hollywood.

What do you want to learn from Hollywood?

What is it? What is that story? Where is the song? You have spoiled yourself in so many films.

Which films?

Interstellar, they have spoiled it without music.

Music in Interstellar?

Yes, there should have been a song. It was such an emotional scene. Father is looking at his daughter from the fourth dimension. And there is no song.

Like?

If there was a song, it I am watching you from the fourth dimension. You are running away thinking me as a ghost. Oh my daughter, love is the fourth dimension. What was that? This dimension is the dimension of love. Love is the fourth dimension. Now you will teach Nolan how to make a film. I will punch Nolan in the face.

Why?

He doesn't know how to make a film. He has made every film upside down. Everything is going wrong. You has folded every film in reverse. Look at his 10-8. Everything is going in reverse. You should have done it straight in editing. You idiot! It's not a song.

Sir, it's a kind of story telling. This is story telling. It's all a bluff. If they don't have a story, they won't be able to shoot. We are working hard on the streets without a story. They can't do that them, right sir? They are dependent. They are dependent on the story.

I see that there is no interval in their films. Is that a 1.5 hour film? They leave after watching it. In our country, everyone gets an urination. Everyone has kidney stones here. Have you ever heard in Hollywood that

I have a kidney stone here? No one says. Everyone drinks beer. In our country, lovers come. And they love in cinema. He says, everyone drinks beer. We have a couple of lovers. And they love cinema. If you give them an interval, go and clean your pant and all.

This popcorn and cold drink that you get, it's very expensive.

Why doesn't anyone raise their voice on this? Leaving everything aside, the popcorn is the issue. Give them popcorn for 50 rupees, is it dal bhaat? They'll give you a plate for 50 rupees. Is it Dal Bhaat? I'll give you a plate for 50 rupees. If you don't give me expensive popcorn, you'll eat it and leave. You won't watch the film.

I'm eating expensive popcorn. I'll have to watch the film. Strategy. It's a strategy. Do you think Dal Bhaat is a joke? On the censor board, it is often accused that it is teasing the people. You have raised the right issue, sir. She teases me more than I do.

I mean, how she has become tortured, how her stepmother makes her work. Sir, once she was washing clothes, and she gets half stuck in the washing machine. She enters, half of her body is outside and half of her body is inside. Now, sir, she is standing on two paths. Half inside, half outside.

She is stuck in it.

It is a dilemma, sir.

Okay. What happens then? She. It's a dilemma, sir. Okay.

What happens then?

She tells the society to get me out. So, her stepbrother comes from behind. But that monster doesn't help her, sir. Now, the girl is curious that the one who is not helping me from behind, is he my stepbrother or step-father.

Okay.

Yes.

I mean, this film seriously hurts the topic, and makes the topic red.

Shut up!

What kind of film are you making?

I was making an art film here, I don't know what you are thinking. Censor Board does a good job with you guys. By cutting your films. Otherwise, I don't know what all you guys make. A story of a poor plumber.

No, it's fine. I don't want to listen.

The dream of India is gone.

Why are the heroines in Bollywood's careers so short? Do they get old at the age of 30?

No, you are saying it wrong. They get old at the age of 25. They are able to bear it till 30. After that, gets married, she has to have children, have a family. Then you will not be able to become a big heroine. I have seen that there has been no such heroine in the last few years, who has a lot of craze

in Bollywood. Because sir, you have to do penance to become a big heroine, you are not doing that. What is that penance? You have to be on set, you have to support the hero, have to make him laugh, keep the mood of the set good. You are going home as soon as the shoot is over. What about the power pill that the producer has brought? Where will you use it?

You tell me sir, you tell me where to use this power pill.

Leave my hand, I use this power? Leave my hand. What kind of a method is this?

What I'm saying is, if you want to do chemistry well with a hero, then you'll have to come under the vanity of a producer. Why do I have to come under the vanity of a producer? When you sit with a producer, you'll sit happily with a hero. So you're saying that I have to compromise to become a good actress. Where are they making compromises? That's why they are not able to become good actresses. You tell me sir, I am investing 100 crores from my house.

What do I ask for? I just want to enjoy one night. Otherwise, I am a fool to invest so much money.

You are a fool.

No, you are exaggerating.

What are your upcoming projects?

There are many exciting projects. There is a sequel, remake 3, part 2 returns again and again with alternate endings. So you won't make an original story? For an original story, you have to live an original life. Life is a copy paste. No one is taking any risk. You go to office in the morning, come home in the evening.

You also do the same fake podcast. One season is over for one season, then the second season, then the third season.

Yes, I understood. So, he was the great producer Abbas Paisewala. If you liked his talks, then answer them in the comment box. Write down your favourite joke in the comment box. Like and share this video.

And to download the Kiwi app, put the link in the description. Yes, you are right. And in the pinned comment too. And from there, they will download Kiwi app. Absolutely. For now, it's my time, sir.

It's time to go in the vanity. Actor is waiting for you. No, there is no one today. You go today. You have put a nice bed there. What kind of behavior is this?

You have a nice bed there. You have a nice bed there.

What kind of behavior is this? I'm enjoying it.