FIFA Gives Trump a Gold Pacifier & Looming War on Venezuela Gives Jon Iraq Déjà Vu | The Daily Show

Welcome to the reality show! Hello! Pleasure to be here tonight.

We got a good one. We got a good one for you tonight. A great one for you tonight. Later on in the program, I'll be joined by Malala Yousafzai. She'll be coming on the program. Activist, author, producer, youngest Nobel Prize winner in history.

Yeah! producer, youngest Nobel Prize winner in history. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at you people out there.

She's the youngest Nobel Prize winner.

What are you doing? I'm thinking about maybe getting into writing.

I don't know.

I'm thinking. I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

I'm the guy in the audience. I tell you why you want to be a comedy writer. How do I become a comedy writer? I tell him and he goes,

Yeah, that might be fun.

Seems like a lot of work. Let's get into the big story this weekend. FIFA! The World Cup is going to be held in the Americas, the United States, Canada and Mexico. And there was great suspense around, no,

not who would be in this year's group of death, or how FIFA would find a way to f**k over Scotland.

No!

It was who would win FIFA's inaugural peace prize! Oh! Because, no, it's inaugural FIFA peace prize! Because when I think of one sport that fosters peaceful coexistence... -...it's the beautiful game. -...it's the beautiful game. All right, here we go. Who's it gonna be?

Please welcome the very first winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, the 45th and 47th President of the United States of America, Mr. Donald J. Trump, please. Oh my God!

I can't believe it! Hey, everybody! Oh my God, I'm so surprised. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh my God, he won the prize specifically created to appease him. The FIFA appease prize.

Mr. President, this is your prize. This is your peace prize. There is also a beautiful medal for you that you can wear everywhere you want to go. Okay, let me hold. Ah, fantastic. Excellent.

No.

Not boo. Enjoy that. He's so f***ing weird. Enjoy that.

The man just got a made up beach prize and his first move is... Like, he took all... you know, he's so thirsty he's not even gonna bag it. He's like, nah, just wear it out of the store, no worries. I don't want to say anything. I don't know if you guys got a good look at the trophy. But come on. I think its design somewhat reflects, in all likelihood, how it was conceived. I take you to that meeting now. Why do we have to invent some prize just to satisfy some fragile egomaniac?

Trump is so needy. It's like the world always has to reach out and stroke his balls. Oh, oh, Donald, you're such a good leader. Oh, you're such a man of peace. Oh, you're a man of peace. I love you. You're the most peaceful man." They're like, Wait! Hold that pose! Ferguson, I think you're on to something.

Seriously. Come on. The craziest part wasn't necessarily Donald Trump being awarded an entirely fictitious golden butt plug.

It was the cognitive dissonance of flipping over to the news channels post-peace ceremony. Trump administration ramping up pressure on Nicolas Maduro.

On the brink of war with Venezuela.

Possibility of regime change.

President Trump giving him a stern ultimatum, leave the country or else.

The brink of war? President Trump, did this meaningless award mean nothing to you? The whole world was tickling your balls. And Trump was like, I enjoy that. Wait, not you, Venezuela.

No.

By the way, if you think the Trump administration is not serious about Venezuela, they seem to be setting a pretty nice table.

The Pentagon surging battleships

towards the coast of Venezuela. Roughly 15,000 active-duty troops. The largest US show of force in

the Caribbean in decades. Well not including of course your friend Stephanie's destination bachelorette party. That is the largest show of force in the Caribbean. You have to come, the T-shirts are already printed." So if you... She had them printed. She's a good friend.

So if you think a military buildup and planned regime change is inconsistent with an award-winning man of peace, it's even more baffling when you think about how Trump ran as the non-interventionist, non-regime-changing America First candidate. And how the Secretary of War... -...and fake cop stripper at Stephanie's bachelorette party...

-...he'd head-set... -...he'd laid out those non-interventionist principles explicitly just days ago.

The War Department will not be distracted by democracy building, interventionism, undefined

wars, regime change, and feckless nation building.

To many Americans, invading Venezuela to topple their leaders feels a little intervention-y. Which now puts MAGA World in a quandary. MAGA believes in non-foreign intervention, but they also believe in blindly following their leader. How will they square this circle and delicately reassure us that Trump

is not like those other intervention presidents.

Now, a lot of people are gun shy after Iraq, and I understand that. Totally get that.

Totally.

What's with the tone? You sound like a creepy guy who's trying to have sex with a widow. Hey slugger, I loved your dad too, but he's gone. And you know I miss him. Totally get that. But your mom's lonely, so I'm in a banger. This anchor's trying to fertilize the soil, getting America used to what might be, using

his comfort voice and a little bit of basic education.

Let's just go over a few basics because maybe you don't know where Venezuela is, alright? Like me, alright? I know it's in South America.

Very good.

Let's take a closer look at South America. There it is. Now be honest, when you look at that map, who knows exactly where, which country it is? I know it's at the tippy top, one of those two, but all right, there it is, Venezuela.

I had a feeling, but I wasn't a thousand percent convinced.

You had a feeling? Do you guys not have a meeting before the news? Where they might show you where Venezuela is before you go on television? So you don't learn about it on air? Are you not an anchor? Do you just roll out of bed and hit the ring light like a news influencer?

Is that what this is? Is this supposed to be one of those get ready for war with me videos? All right, so now we know where Venezuela is and that it's yellow. Who is its leader? What does he look like? What's he into?

How is he responding to our provocation? Perhaps this video from his anti-U.S. intervention rally

last week will explain. This is the Venezuelan dictator advancing to a song, No War, Yes Peace.

I cannot believe... he is doing the Super Bowl halftime show. That is...

-♪♪ -♪♪

My God, Maduro! -♪♪ Maduro! Maduro is unleashing the most powerful weapon of all, the power of dance. If Maduro is challenging Trump to a dance battle, we may be in trouble. Wait a minute, Maduro's on the twos and fours. And he can do a dance without giving a trabajo de manos.

You can Google that later, that's a literal translation. I'm sure that's not what they actually call it. I'm sure, like, when you're with a girl or guy, you're not like, how about a trabajo de menos? But I know what MAGA is doing. They're convincing us that Iraq was an entirely different set

of circumstances. That country was led by a sword-wielding, mustachioed madman who held an iron grip on his people and his power. Nicolas Maduro is nothing like, oh shit. Well look, I'm sure a lot of leaders use the same sword guy. Superficial coincidence, same sword, same mustache.

I'm sure they wear different hats. It's not a kind of an oboe. -♪ ♪ -♪

-♪ ♪

All right. So the two dictators share a remarkably similar taste in facial hair, body shape, ceremonial sabers, and headgear. It doesn't mean that the pretext for the wars will be the same.

That drugged-out dinghy was a floating weapon

of mass destruction. Every boat carrying fentanyl and drugs in this country is a weapon of mass destruction.

-...

Are you... kidding me right now? You guys have the balls to tell us that the pretext for Iraq was bullshit and that war was a mistake and we're not like that, and also, Venezuela has weapons of mass destruction and we have to stop them. Or is WMD just the new slang?

Like, yo, bro, Venezuela's total WMD, six-seven, what's up? Like, is that what we're doing? And for those of you who are like, oh, my God, I didn't even realize that all the fentanyl in the U.S. comes from Venezuela, uh, that's because it doesn't. Like, almost none of it.

Like, none of it. Look, you know what? I didn't want to have to do this. I'm not going to force my hand. If you're going to bring back early 2000s geopolitics, I'm going to have to bring back early 2000s

Daily Show gotcha clips. Because as much as you say war with Venezuela would be so different from Iraq, it seems like you may be using the neocons sales manual. Like other than WMDs, why was it so important to take down Saddam Hussein?

His regime has an active support for and cooperation with terrorist networks.

Oh, terrorist networks. That's the worst kind of networks. Even including Paramount Plus.

It's the worst kind of network.

Well, you are going to get me fired. Well, you'll never guess where the terrorists are now.

Iran, its IRGC, and even Hezbollah, they have planted their flag on Venezuelan territory with the full and open cooperation of that regime.

Wow. So if you're saying we go to war with Venezuela, we're also getting into a proxy war with Iran. I'm sold. Now, if I remember correctly, though, Iraq lasted until still. And what did they say about that?

I think it would be a cakewalk.

I don't think it would be a, um, that tough a fight.

I think the saddest part of getting into a war of choice in 2025... is that Dick Cheney won't be around to see it.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

-♪ ♪ -♪ Don't do that! -♪ ♪ The only solace is, I'm sure that he is... looking up at us right now. Really proud. Probably some birds picking, you know. But yeah, you know, quick and easy.

That was Iraq. Guess what they're saying now.

A few punches to the face, and they will go.

This is going to be an easy job for the United States.

How eerie is the Iraq parallel? Well we got one guy making the same case for

both wars and yes it's who you think. Saddam Hussein's a threat to my country he's a threat to our way of life. He needs to go. Maduro is a existential threat to the people of the United States. It is time for Maduro to go. Now, to be fair, some things have changed

over the last 20 years. You know, back in the Iraq war, we used to play clips of Lindsey Graham and make jokes suggesting that he's secretly gay. But now, we know that that was inappropriate. But you know what? You know what? I'm not even going to play around anymore. F*** it. Hit me with the works. Iraq, Venezuela. Go!

We're giving them full opportunity to do it the easy way.

And when it doesn't work, we'll do it the hard way. If we can do things the easy way, that's fine. And if we have to do it the hard way. And when it doesn't work, we'll do it the hard way.

If we can do things the easy way, that's fine. And if we have to do it the hard way, that's fine, too.

Chemical weapons is a threat to the United States.

Fentanyl poses a chemical weapons threat to the United States.

Al-Qaeda terrorists inside Iraq.

Al-Qaeda of our hemisphere.

If we can get rid of Saddam, it could really begin to transform the region. There's an opportunity to transform the entire region.

Bringing freedom and democracy.

Democracy and freedom. Can serve as a beacon of hope.

Shock and awe.

Shock and awe, indeed. If you think this is getting confusing, you're not alone. Even senators can't keep these Bush or Trump wars straight. This is Senator Tom Cotton from this weekend.

I think President Bush has every power under the Constitution to strike votes in international waters.

Oopsie poopsie.

That's a little Freudian. Feels like calling the teacher mom in the middle of a war crime. Well, let's be fair. These wars aren't exactly the same. For example, how the Bush administration

went to great pains to convince everyone that the Iraq War had a higher purpose. It has nothing to do with oil.

Literally nothing to do with oil.

Literally. Nothing. So, yeah, the one lesson this administration seems to have taken from Iraq is, beyond the weapons of mass destruction and fentanyl disruption and regime change, yada, yada, yada,

there might also be a side benefit to this war you should know about.

Venezuela has the largest reserves of oil in the world.

Venezuela that has a rich...

Talk about rich natural energy resources.

Massive oil reserve. They have gold, they have rare earth.

Oil, gold, and minerals.

And I am sure there are U.S. companies that would like to do business there.

Venezuela, for the American oil companies,

will be a field day.

You know, I didn't think this war was a wise decision, but if it helps the oil companies smile again. So, basically, all the bullshit reasons we used to justify the disastrous war in Iraq, the non-interventionist Trump regime, are trotting out to justify war in Venezuela. So how is this war not considered a foreign entanglement? Well, it's easy, by redefining the word foreign.

And America first means we need a Western hemisphere where America is dominant.

If you're focused on America and America first, you start with your own hemisphere where we live.

America first also means the Americas first.

South America literally has the name America in it.

-♪ -♪ So So it's ours. Our f***ing name is on it. We own that shit. Don't you get it? America's new foreign policy is basically this. Don't kill people there.

Kill them here. In your own time zone. It's classic advice. Shit where you eat. That's the new Trump doctrine. It's not in any way about stable democracies.

It's about spheres of influence. Russia can have their sphere of influence, including Ukraine. China can have theirs, and probably Taiwan. And we get South America. America is no longer the shining city on the hill. It is merely just one of the five crime families splitting

up the territories. And that's how they like it. But beyond that, it is 2005 all over again. And the main thing... What the... What the hell?

John!

John!

Hello!

John! John! Oh my God! John! Oh my God! John!

What? I can't believe this! Oh my God!

This is unbelievable!

John! John!

John!

John! John! John! Oh my God! What? I can't believe this! Oh my God!

This is unbelievable! Oh! This... Guys! Visit former Iraq era Daily Show correspondent, Mr. Rob Corddry is here! This is amazing!

Now, now...

What are you doing here, and why are you dressed like Marty McFly?

Good question, John. I just time-traveled here from 2005 into the present because I need to warn you, the war in Iraq is a disaster. We cannot, John, make that mistake ever again in the future.

Uh...

Yeah, we know.

Um...

We're in the future. This... We lived through that already.

N-N-no.

F***!

Oh, oh my god. Oh, you're right. Oh, it would have made a lot more sense to go to the past, huh? Stupid idiot!

Then you could have warned him.

Giant, yeah, giant, giant waste of a time machine. You know what, I should have gone back in time and f**ked my mom, yeah.

Yes. That's the movie.

But here we are in the present, John.

We're in the present.

Yes, which I'm assuming is, um, 2095 or...

Uh, 2025.

Oh!

Uh, yeah, well, you look great.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's been a long 20 years.

APPLAUSE

I can see how you made the mistake. But it's been a long... But you know what, man? It's unbelievable to see you. I gotta say, how did you get here? Did you, like, jump in a hot tub time machine? Or is it a...

A hot, a hot tub. I'm sorry, what is that now?

It's a title of a hit movie that you will eventually star in.

Hot tub time machine?

Yeah, yeah.

Jesus. Wow. Sounds like my career really went down the toilet, huh? But, hey, clearly not yours, John. I would like to congratulate you on hosting this television program for 26 years straight without interruption.

Yeah! Oh!

What a run!

What a run! I always figured, you know, you'd get antsy and leave to host a-a less popular version of this very show on a prestigious but little-watched competitor.

-♪ ♪ -♪

It was not viewed by many, but at least it was more expensive to make. Look, Rob... I-I don't think you time-traveled all the way here to just talk about my career.

No, no, yeah, I came back to warn you about the Iraq thing, but apparently you still know everything. Anyway, you know, since I'm here, maybe you can update me on some of my favorite people, huh? Absolutely, yeah. favorite people, huh? Like, um, okay, hey, how is my comedy idol Bill Cosby doing? America's dad. Not great.

Wow!

Not great, yeah.

Wow, okay. All right, how about my favorite reality show, The Apprentice? I mean, that one... That one's still going.

That show is a whoop!

Yeah, it's not on the air anymore.

What?!

Really?! Yeah.

What has happened to this place?

It's a dystopia!. What?! Really?! Yeah. What has happened in this place?

It's a dystopia!

I mean, you're fired.

You're fired. So good. It's so good. I could watch that guy. I could watch that guy all day, every single day, I could watch that guy all day, every single day, for the rest of my life.