How I Told My Family I Wanted to Leave the Mormon Church

This video is how I broke the news to my family that I wanted to leave the Mormon church. And when I was Mormon, I left around 23. I remember I used to really judge people who left, and then I became one of them. And I'll start by saying I love my family. And I've seen a lot of people who, when they leave the church, they stop talking to their family, they get divorced, they have relationships that they have to cut off,

or that end up getting cut off for whatever reason after leaving the church, and I feel so grateful that I have never had to have that experience. And that's not to cast any judgment for anyone who does choose to stop talking to their family as a result of really anything in their life. This is not advice or saying that you shouldn't do that. But even in the most difficult parts of this journey with my family of leaving the church

and figuring out what that was going to mean for my family relationships, I never wanted to lose my family because I was losing my religion. And I feel like Mormonism as I was leaving it I just realized how much it had already taken from me as a woman, from my mission, from growing up in the church, and I really just didn't want to add my family to the list of things that I lost as a result of being a member of the church. I

also feel like because I was so devout, I just really understand what it means to be on the other side of belief. I understand what it means to see someone leave and how that makes you feel and because I was so all-in when I was Mormon, I just simply have a lot of empathy for anyone who still is and potentially also a secret hope that maybe they'll come to the same conclusion as me but even if they don't

I think I just I hold a lot of love for anyone who is part of this belief system because I was once a part of that belief system and I understand what it means to be so caught up in a dogma and a set of beliefs that it can feel very confusing when a family member is not following the program. I left the church about eight years ago and so this video will be zeroing in on those moments when I was telling my family, my parents and siblings, my grandparents. I also posted about it on Facebook at the time so I'll share the story of basically just how I broke the news to most people.

I will be anonymizing it. I'm not gonna be using names or photos, obviously. And I'm gonna be leaning heavily on just what my experience was throughout this process. After posting on YouTube for about a year and a half, I can definitively say that there are two questions

I get asked the most often in comments. The first is, what do you believe now? Which I posted a video about that on Patreon recently. And the second question is, how did you break the news to your family? And so I've been wanting to make this video for a while because I think that is one of the biggest things people struggle with after leaving religion is if you think of dominoes lined up after the first domino of your belief falls over, the

next thing you think after that, your second domino, is how do I break the news to my family? And it can just be incredibly intimidating to have to tell what is essentially really disappointing news to your family, especially if you've been in it your whole life and your parents raised you in it. After I left the church, I also have had just a lot of people reach out to me

and share their stories of what it was like for them to leave, and so there are definitely some patterns that emerge, and this was the inspiration behind chapter three of my book, How to Leave the Mormon Church. Chapter three is all about how to tell your family,

whether it's your spouse or your children or your parents. I've met people who truly, they just keep up kind of a facade of still being Mormon because they're so afraid to tell their family. I mean, I've even met people who have said that they won't tell their parents

because they know they'll get disowned or they'll be written out of the will or they're just worried their spouse will divorce them. And so the fear of what will happen after you tell people is it's a really really significant fear. You know, once the other shoe drops, what what's gonna happen to these relationships that I cherish so much? And so that was the inspiration, like I said,

behind chapter three of my book. So I'll be reading some portions of that in this video as well. Along with sharing how I told my family, I'll also be sharing the emotional impact, the kind of psychology behind breaking this news to family.

As I said, I've had so many people tell me stories over the years and I feel like there are definitely patterns that emerge of what this process is like for people. So I'll also be sharing a little bit of that. Another common question I get is how did I tell my husband I wanted to leave the church? I have a different video for that specifically so you can check that video out after this one, but I'm

gonna keep this one mostly about my family. Before we jump in, just a quick reminder to like this video, subscribe to my channel. I have a new video about the Mormon Church every week. I have videos about Mormon doctrine, my experience in the church, Mormons in pop culture, and so if you want to see that, don't forget to subscribe, and drop a comment below if you have a specific question for me about how I broke the news to my family. To give a little background, I have an incredibly Mormon

family and I was raised to be a very devout member of the church. My first ancestor to join the church was one of the first 200 converts back when Joseph Smith was still alive. His name was Sanford Porter. He was born in Massachusetts. He literally went all the way across the United States and ended up living and settling in Utah. That's where he died. He was a polygamist. There's a town in Utah called Porterville that he founded, which is abandoned now. It's no longer an active town, but safe to say my roots in

the church go back a very long way. Growing up I would hear a lot about my pioneer ancestry, they would be referenced often and we'd talk about what they went through and the different handcart companies and I was raised to be very proud of this long unbroken line of Mormons. And it wasn't even just that my ancestry was Mormon, obviously, it was just that my nuclear family was quite Mormon.

My parents met at BYU, my dad served a mission, they got married in the temple, everything about their courtship and the beginning of their relationship was just incredibly Mormon. Growing up, we followed every single Mormon rule you could think of. I have another video about how Mormon God has a lot of rules. And we would never shop on Sunday. Even if we were traveling, we would always get our dinner from the grocery store

and get our food on Saturday while traveling so that while we were doing a road trip or something we wouldn't even have to stop and eat fast food while we were traveling. And when we were traveling, much of the time it was to go on Mormon religious sightseeing trips. So we went to see Palmyra, we saw where Joseph Smith was, where he grew up, we went to the Sacred Grove, where he said he saw God and Jesus Christ. And I've been to Adam-on-Diom, which is the Garden of Eden in Missouri.

Whether it was traveling or just, you know, I was in gymnastics growing up, and there came a point where I was supposed to potentially start going to do my gymnastics practice on Sunday, and I stopped doing gymnastics so that I wouldn't have to break the Sabbath.

So really anything you could think of, if you see my prom pictures, I have a little covering so that I could have a modest prom dress. I was beehive president, Mayan maid president, laurel president. If really any Mormon metric you could think of, I was checking that box. And if I go look back through my journals and read through the entries, every single entry is about being a member of this church. Really every entry is completely about being

Mormon. It's like anything else in my life was like a PS. And that really just describes my entire experience in the church because it was so, it was so all-encompassing. It was everything I did, it was every part of who I was, and so to leave after that way of being brought up and even becoming a very religious teenager, to leave after all of that I do think was really surprising. And I was not an outlier in my family.

All of my siblings, I have three sisters, all of them went to Brigham Young University, all of them went on missions for the church for a year and a half. Everything I've described in my videos, all of them were participating in those things too. And so between parents who are very, very Mormon,

very devout, and siblings who are very devout, I was really really really nervous to tell them and to break the news. What's interesting about my story is that my sister, my older sister, left the church before I did and she actually left while I was still on my mission. So I remember getting an email from her saying, hey I'm struggling with my testimony and I'm just working through some things and I

wanted to let you know. And I think this is another reason why I have so much empathy for people still in the church because I remember really wishing, I remember wishing that I wanted something bad to happen in her life. Literally, I remember wishing that, which is so horrible. And I wanted something bad to happen so that she would be humbled and that she would be brought back to God and to the church. And I

hate to admit that. I'm so ashamed to admit that because why would you ever want something bad to happen in the life of your family member who you love? And I think it just shows the mentality and the stakes of what Mormons think about people who leave. Keep in mind that if she leaves she's not gonna be in the celestial kingdom with me. So I thought we'd have an eternity of loving each other and we'd be chilling with God up in the highest level of Mormon heaven

and then suddenly she's saying that she's not going to be active anymore. She's not gonna be following the commandments. She's not gonna be doing the Mormon thing. And so I just became so, so sad that she wasn't going to be receiving all of these blessings that I thought she would be receiving. And I remember just feeling like, someday she's going to have kids and she's not going to be sealed to those kids.

And it, you know, I think if you believe in the church, which so many people that I know do, then for someone to leave is a really really dire situation. They get so many blessings taken from them, you're not gonna be with them in the highest level of heaven anymore, all of these things that they covenanted to follow in the temple they're no longer following, and it can just be really scary I think and really I felt so anxious about the fact that she

was not Mormon anymore and to me I felt like if something bad happens for her and it brings her back then it's you know no pain no gain almost like I just I was like well I'm sure whatever small thing that's bad that humbles her will be worth it because then she gets to get her salvation back essentially and it really is a life or death it can feel like a life or death thing and I think that that's another reason why it's so

hard to see it was so hard for me to see her leave and just to see other people who I knew leave because it just felt like you're walking away from the best thing in the entire world you know when you're Mormon like you're walking away from the best thing in the entire world. You know, when you're Mormon and you're fully believing, you think that being in this church is literally the best thing in the world. There was even a talk by a Mormon leader where he says, where will you go? Where will you go to find this level of truth and goodness and pureness and

wonder? And it's from, I guess, Jesus asked his apostles that at one point, you know, where will you go if you leave me? And now from the outside, it sounds kind of like an abusive ex that's like, no one will ever love you as much as I do.

But when you're in it, it really does feel like they are leaving what is the best thing on earth and just the only true thing on earth too. Another comparison is like when he sells his birthright for a mess of pottage. I remember thinking about that story too or the prodigal son and these stories make you feel like when people leave it's it's like wow

look she's drinking coffee she traded her birthright of the celestial kingdom for a mess of pottage. And on the outside it can feel like, wow what a powerful way of trying to keep people in, of saying no one will ever love you like I will, or you'll never be happy again. But when you're in it and you really really believe that, when people leave it feels like the earth is going to crumble around you. And so as much as I'm ashamed to admit it,

I really did wish that because I just wanted God to humble her and to make her come back so that she could partake in the goodness again and get all of her blessings restored. And she did end up ultimately leaving. And so I think that because I saw her go through that process, it really got into

my psyche as far as what people were gonna do and say about me if I left. And I remember when I was back in our congregation, so many people, and really not even our congre- just our congregation. I many people, and really not even just our congregation. I also worked at the MTC at the time, and every person I knew wanted to gossip with me and ask about it and say, why did she leave? What's going on?

I can't, you know, she's a return missionary. I can't believe she left. And I even had someone at one point say, Alyssa, I'm so glad that will never happen to you because you have such a strong testimony. And seeing people react this way and also just the way it was discussed.

So a common phrase in the Mormon church is, so-and-so fell away. So it's, you know, to describe someone choosing to leave as falling away, which makes it sound like it was almost a passive experience. You know, when you fall, a fall is an accident.

Usually people don't fall on purpose, but most people who leave the church are definitely leaving on purpose. And I think it allows members to feel like, you know, you just, or even just the phrase lost their testimony. Losing something is also an accident. It's not something you choose to do. A loss is...

It's like you just wake up one day and you're like, I fell away. I lost my testimony. And then when you get baptized, everyone says you choose to get baptized. And you can even find people saying that with eight-year-old children. I'm so grateful so-and-so chose to get baptized today, but the language around leaving is so different than the language around choosing to get baptized. You choose to get baptized and such-and- such fell away. And it really, as much as as a Mormon I talked

about agency or free agency or the right to choose, they don't allow you to claim leaving. Like when I left the church I stood up and I walked out that door. I was choosing to leave. There was no falling away about it, but I think describing it in this way allows members to feel like they almost were inhabited by Satan and the desire to drink coffee, the desire to sleep in on Sunday, the desire to be offended by some mean person was just so powerful that their testimony drifted away like a feather on the breeze. And the idea that someone would accidentally lose track of their

testimony after serving a Mormon mission and getting married in the temple and going to BYU, it's just very nonsensical but I think it allows members to have mental, a mental relief to feel like, oh, that is something that they didn't choose. Because if they chose it, maybe it would feel like there's a reason behind it versus kind of getting lost in sin or lost in the ways of the world and that they got tempted away

and they fell away versus they chose to leave for a really specific good reason. When my sister left she was dating a guy and they eventually they got married eventually but when they first left she was dating him and I remember that part of this gossip was a lot about how he had been a bad influence on her. And that was another element that really bothered me because anytime I've heard a story about anyone leaving the church, it's always so-and-so tempted them

away. It's always the spouse or, you know, they went to a university that was secular or they had a friend who was a bad influence and it's never that like I said once again it's never that the person chooses it for themselves it's always pinned on some other outside source that can be the temp the tempter and this really bothered me too because we don't say the missionaries pushed them to get baptized and so they did even though

that's what happens. We say so-and-so had a revelation that the Book of Mormon was true and so they joined. Isn't that so cool? They're a golden investigator. But just like they say fall away, when my sister was leaving, every single person I talked to was like, well, you know, she felt like she fell in love with the wrong person. And he was a member too. He also served a mission. Both of them were very active in the church, but when people would talk to me,

it was always some other person's responsibility or some other person had had an impact. Never the person got to own the decision themselves. And I think that that also really frustrated me. And as I started questioning myself, I realized I want everyone to know

that I made this decision myself. And I was not tempted away by some outside force, but that after a lifetime in the church, two decades, a mission, and a temple marriage, I really chose to leave because I wanted to, not because I accidentally lost my testimony because some evil man or person or friend or university

convinced me and tempted me with tank tops and coffee. There's a t-shirt I've seen before that says, I'm sorry for what I said when I was Mormon. And I remember I also was, I was really hurt that she was leaving. Like I said, I was really upset about it.

And so whenever I met her boyfriend for the first time and really just the first few months till I left, I was really rude to him because I felt like he stole my sister from me. And I feel really horrible for that because it was like I didn't have the ability to recognize that she made the decision herself and that I should respect that because she's a human being that deserves to have the ability to choose things.

But instead I just was pinning my heartache on this person, her boyfriend, who I was blaming for the whole thing. And now I feel a lot of regret about how I chose to act in those moments because I see myself as a very indoctrinated person

who there was a script for how I was supposed to react to this news and I was following it. And that doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does mean that when I am treated any certain way by people who are still members, I completely understand. And I really love them, you know, even if they are hating me or, you know, judging me for what I'm doing, I'm just like, I just see myself. I see so much of myself

in that. And I have a lot of, like I said, I just have probably an infinite amount of empathy for these people because I just know what it's like to think that you're not gonna be in heaven with your loved ones and it's really scary and even if it's all made up it's not it's not to people who believe. Like I said the other day it's as real as my hand on my arm, it's as real as the hair on my head, it's as real as the air that I'm currently waving around. The reality of the Mormon afterlife is as real as the hair on my head, it's as real as the air that I'm currently waving around, the reality of the Mormon afterlife is as real as anything else

you might experience. And so I understand that for someone who still believes to watch a loved one walk out the door is heartbreaking. Even if they are fully choosing, even if they say, I'm as happy as I've ever been, even if everything about their life, they seem to be doing good. If you're living in this little thought bubble

of what Mormonism teaches you about people who leave, you are just sitting there assuming that they are in misery or that they will be eventually, you know, we'll wait till the afterlife, you'll see. And so it felt so frustrating as I was leaving knowing that there's always some Satan figure, someone is Satan in all of these interactions, someone is the tempter, someone gets the person to give up their

faith and leave. And when I decided to leave, I really tried as much as I could to just take the flag of accountability and drape myself with it, because I wanted to own my decision. I did not fall away. I stood up and walked out. Or maybe I ran out.

With my head held high, with my shoulders squared, I chose this. And don't take it from me. Let me have my choice. Don't use this language that allows you to feel like some mystery thing transpired and I melted away. Give me the dignity of owning my choice. I think also what's frustrating about leaving the church is that when missionaries are teaching, I talked about this in this video, when missionaries are teaching an investigator

to potentially convert, the convert is allowed to join and get baptized within three weeks of joining the church, which is a very quick turnover, and if they do get baptized in three weeks, it's a huge celebration, they're a golden investigator, everyone's so excited, but if you try to leave the church and in three weeks, say the first time you admit your questioning to when you say you're no longer attending is three weeks, people are gonna be like, wow, look at how easily she gave up her testimony. And it just bothers me realizing that while people

who join very quickly are so celebrated, people who leave quickly are seen as so weak, even if they have an entire lifetime of being incredibly active in the church. Another thing I've thought to ask members is what is a good enough reason to leave? What is a reason that if I leave you'll respect me? And the answer is nothing. The answer is there is no good reason to leave. There's no way to leave where you still get to maintain the same level of respect. And knowing that, it's made me feel a lot less

of a need to ever justify my decision to anyone, because no matter what I say, there's never gonna be anything I say that is a good reason to leave. There's just simply not. Whether it was because you were unhappy in the church,

whether it was because you stopped believing because of some information you found out, whether it was because of a way a leader treated you or something you learned about Mormon doctrine, there's truly in the long list of all the letters you could combine into many sentences in the world,

there's never gonna be a thing I could say to a member of the Mormon church that they would be like, oh, yeah, that is a good reason to leave. I respect your decision. And so when I realized that, it just

made me feel freer to just say, if there's nothing I can say to please you, why try? I just give up. That's why my bio is I gave up eternal life for coffee because it does just feel like that because literally whether no matter what I say there's never gonna be a reason that you'll respect me so I might as well just be like well it was the coffee it was the tank tops it was because

someone said something rude about my cute dress one day you know it was all the petty reasons you think it was yeah you're totally right. After an entire lifetime of being incredibly devoted to the church, I left for the most silly, petty reasons. And you are welcome to believe that. Because truly, if there's nothing I could say that would make me respect you, I might- I'm not even gonna make an attempt. I also remember moments with my sister. I remember the first time I saw she wasn't wearing garments and she was wearing a shirt that showed a small amount of her stomach, which is a dead giveaway for not wearing garments, and I

just remember, I just remember how sad I was that she had let go of her covenants in this way. And I do remember too that there was a day where she sat down with me and tried to explain why she had decided to leave and I was basically just like la la la la la. She mentioned Fanny Algar, she mentioned Joseph Smith's polygamy, and I was you know amongst many other things. I you know no follow-up questions I just felt I was like a stone wall.

And I think that I was not curious because at first I was just so sad that I just felt like I can't have this conversation. And also because I think often people who leave, it's almost like it's a virus. If you ask too many questions or learn whatever it was that made them stop attending, it's like you're worried it's

gonna catch you. The virus will infect you too. The disbelief virus. I feel sad now that I just didn't have the emotional availability to have that conversation and to sit with her and say I understand and or even that is a good reason to leave. Like I said I I didn't have that in me and I don't think members are even programmed to have that vocabulary or to have the ability to have a conversation with someone who is deciding to leave and know what to say. You know, you might say, I still love you. Obviously I still

told my sister I love you, but I couldn't discuss much of it past that. It just, I didn't have that muscle in my body. To even ask her in that moment, how are you doing? I just wasn't there for her. And so I look back at that time of my life and how I responded with so much regret and it's crazy that I left about a year after that because that all of those thoughts and those emotions were so fresh in my brain that I was going off

of a lot of what I saw her experience when I was choosing to leave because I was so afraid of judgment, I was so afraid of being treated in the same way or viewed in the same way. I was worried that she might become the Satan figure that people would pin my leaving on, you know, I got the infection from her. And so a lot of my experience of her leaving became the groundwork for how I was approaching telling people as I was leaving.

And it's not even just my sister. I saw some other people who left the church as I was in my teenage years and in my 20s. And I remember once when a girl from our congregation had posted a photo of her in a bikini and me and my one of my sisters were like oh my gosh I can't believe she's wearing a bikini she must be she must not be going to church anymore and we fully were in gossip mode

about her and it's really common I, to see if someone posts a picture of them with coffee, there's a lot of conjecture about, are they members, aren't they members? And I realized as I was starting to question that, like I said, I really wanted to own my experience. I wanted to own the fact that I chose to leave. And I didn't want to just start posting pictures of me in tank tops or holding coffee or with a tattoo

Where's my tattoo or with a tattoo or another piercing and just have people say you know do the same thing that we did to that other girl and be like, oh she must be falling away and To some extent also seeing people leave and start posting stuff like that, or posting a picture of themselves doing something not, you know, that was against the Mormon rules, I realized that if I posted stuff like that before I broke the news,

then I would be part of the falling away narrative. And I know in all of this, I'm expressing a lot of how much I was thinking about how I would be perceived for leaving. I think that was a very Mormon part of myself to worry so much about how people perceived me.

That was a very strong muscle that Mormon me had was constantly worrying about the way I was perceived online, like on Facebook amongst my Mormon Facebook friends or from my family and it took me a long time to break out of that mold of worrying so much about what other people think. I think now I'm much less sensitive to stuff like that and if I were to leave in the brain I have now I wouldn't do it in the same way but I do feel like anyone who's leaving a religion like the Mormon Church really just has to give themselves permission to have it be

as messy or as difficult as possible because you know you can't allow worrying about doing it the right way to get in the way of doing it at all. And so as much as now I look back at my paralysis around what are people going to think of me and I feel quite self-conscious of it because I don't want that to have been such a dominant theme of me leaving, and it wouldn't be now, but I do feel like ultimately I still had Mormon brain and I was very sensitive to the way I was perceived back

then. I think it can be difficult to be raised to be a people pleaser. I think women, Mormon women specifically, are very much raised to be people pleasers and to really crave the the love of other people and to put yourself down below so that you can have people around you love you and just almost mute your personality so that you're as agreeable as possible.

I think also in leaving, I just wanted people to still love me so badly that it didn't matter to me so much what my experience was as much as making sure that I left the right way so that I still had the respect of the people around me. Which was a little bit of a losing battle because the only way I think to keep people's perception of

me was gonna be to just stay Mormon. As soon as I left the perception just simply was going to change and I had a hard time accepting that and people just were gonna say she fell away and she probably got offended and maybe it was just that I wanted to take some control of the situation and be able to own my own story but I did spend a lot of time thinking about well I don't want to post coffee, me with coffee, I don't want to post me in a tank top before everybody

knows where I stand on the church because I don't want to post me in a tank top before everybody knows where I stand on the church because I don't want to play into the falling away stereotype that is so common with ex-members. So I figured I'd start with my dad, how I told my dad. And my dad is a convert. He was in a more or less less active family so his parents had been members and then by the time he was born they were no longer attending and then the missionaries I

basically my dad would go to like youth activities and stuff and then the missionaries were like just like usual oh he's not a member and then he learned about the church and decided to get baptized. And then he served a mission. He was not raised in the way I was. He was raised out of the church and then chose to join the church

and then went to BYU and met my mom. My parents were divorced by the time I left, which means that breaking the news to them was two different experiences because they're no longer married. And so part of

me wanting to leave in the right way was making sure there was kind of a buildup to breaking the news but also I was afraid that if I had struggled with my testimony and then ultimately decided to stay in the church that it would be something that maybe would be used against me or was just something that would people wouldn't forget. I was worried that if I broke the news and then took it back I wouldn't live it down essentially and so I had this whole experience and I have lots of videos

this is probably the most complete video where I've talked about leaving the church or why I chose to leave. But all of that happened before I told a single soul other than my husband. So we, me and Jackson, were basically struggling

and working through what we were gonna do for probably about six months before I ever told another soul, even my sister who had already left. I didn't even tell her because like I said, I didn't want her to be used as she's why you left.

So I was like, I have to keep this a secret because if I tell it too soon and then I changed my mind, then this might be living in the collective consciousness of people and I don't want that to happen and if I tell my sister or tell other people then they could be blamed or used as the person who was my Satan figure who tore me away from my testimony. So long before I told my dad or anyone I was

struggling, I was trying to figure out what to do, I was talking to Jackson all the time, and then the day finally hit where we both said, we fully have decided we're not gonna be in the church anymore. And that was when I was finally ready to start telling my family. And so after basically all was said and done, that was when I first started texting my dad to say, hey dad, I'm struggling with my belief in the church. And it was it was a bit dishonest. I recognized that I was not being fully honest by holding that bit of information

until I was sure and then initiating these conversations with this knowledge that I was bluffing a little bit because I stopped believing. And as I stopped believing, I then broke the news that I was starting to question. So there was a little, but I knew I was gonna get there.

So it was like, I know my family's gonna be really saddened by this, just like I was really sad when my sister left. My older sister couldn't even come to see me get married. She was not in the temple when I got married. So this was a viscerally, such a sad experience.

It was a, I'm crying, I'm wringing my hands, I'm thinking about it all the time. This was an incredibly horrible time of my life. And I know it was an incredibly horrible time of my family's life too. So I have love for all involved.

And I think my biggest hope was just, I wanna make it out of this and get to the other side and still have a family and still be loved and still have relationships with all of my family members. And I want to be respected. I want them to still not just love me, but to see me too,

to see I'm a good person still. And so I started dropping the breadcrumbs more or less with my dad and there was a trip that we took to go see my grandparents. I was having a hard time and so I ended up just I was on the trip with my dad and one of my siblings and I texted him in a group chat which was definitely a cop-out and I just said, hey I know you guys have I've told you both that I'm

kind of struggling with this and this is how I'm breaking the news that I'm fully leaving the church and I sent it at like 2 a.m. crying late at night and neither of them responded and I Shouldn't have done it over text. That was kind of a cop-out You know, it's like breaking up with someone over text

it's just like you should probably just tell them in person, but I was having a hard time obviously and because neither of them responded when I was driving with just my dad the next day. I just burst into tears and I was like, you didn't respond and I'm so worried you're not gonna love me and I'm so worried that you're gonna think I'm a bad person. And we pulled over the car and my dad basically said, I love you and he also said, I believe that God loves you too and I believe that you're a good person and so I believe that God will look after you and love you no matter if you're active in the church or not and I love you too

whether you're active in the church or not. And oh, what a relief. It was just like, I kind of knew that my dad would have an easier time with it because he was raised as a convert. He was raised out of the church and then converted later in life. And kind of similar to Jackson, Jackson was raised in a family that the mom was not attending. And so he had already been raised to believe that people who aren't in the church

are worthy of love and are good. And his mom was not a member of the church. And so it was like easier for him, I think, to see that people outside of the church could be really happy and live really good lives and could be good people. And so I think that that's why maybe it was easier to tell my dad, because I knew that he had a more nuanced view of faith.

And my dad also, if he can't make it to an LDS Mormon church, he'll go to a Catholic church, or he'll go to a Baptist service, or he'll go to a Baptist service or he'll go to a non-denominational service. So he's always just been a little bit more willing to find good and truth in a lot of different places rather than having a more dogmatic view that the church is the one true church, capital O, capital T, capital C, one true church.

And he watches my videos sometimes, so he'll probably watch this, so hi, dad. I'm just very grateful, and I'll say I'm grateful to all of my family for working through this with me and for loving me. I just feel like I've heard so many horror stories

of people who just simply cease talking to their family because of things like this and for me I think those people have good reasons for doing so. I was so worried that that was gonna happen to me too and even if it wasn't a perfect relationship with my family, even if it wasn't I'm telling them every single thing I'm up to and we're just kicking and giggling and kicking our feet or whatever.

I really just wanted, if anything, to have a friendship and a relationship and to be able to still be close to them. And so I fully comprehend that this is, it was really hard on me, but I also know it was really hard on my family

and on my parents and on my siblings and a lot to work through. And I have, like I said, a lot of empathy because when my sister left, I had a really hard time with it. And I think it's just the reality

of what it means to be a generational Mormon and in a high demand religion in a generational way, it just means there's so much pressure to continue to be that unbroken link and to not be the one that falls away and to not be the black sheep that I just, I feel like these things

are gonna be so painful, even if the family is perfect, even if everything goes as smoothly as it possibly could be, which I think for my family, I feel like it really did go as smoothly as it possibly probably could because of how Mormon we all were. But it still just means that the

heartache and the difficulty of getting on the other side and through it is really, really challenging. While I was talking to my dad, I was also talking to my mom. We would have weekly calls or every other week that we would discuss the church and we would discuss the scriptures. And she would ask if I was reading the Book of Mormon. And I feel like she was really trying to save me. And keep in mind, I know it comes from a place of love.

It's so challenging. I mean, I knew I was going to be disappointing her by the end of it. I knew that the answer was going to be, I'm not going to go anymore. I remember when I was growing up, she would tell the story about someone that she had known who had left the church, and how the way they did it was basically that first this person told their family, hey, I, you

know, I have to work on Sundays, so I'm going every other week or something. And then a year later, maybe, I'm not loving my ward, so I'm just going once a month, but I'm still attending. And then a year later, I'm slammed at work, but I'm not, so I'm not going to church,

but I still am reading the scriptures at home. And then a year later, I'm not going to church, but I still am reading the scriptures at home. And then a year later, I'm not reading my scriptures as much, but I am still praying and I still believe in God. And then a year later, you get the point. I feel like when she would tell that story, it was almost like the only time that she

would be like, you know, at least she didn't make a big show of it. She really kind of tried to keep her testimony and even though my mom would still kind of say, oh it's really too bad so-and-so left the church, it seemed like the least painful way that she ever would tell these stories that was like, oh well she because she did it so painstakingly slowly it was like a super slow fade out and not this big massive thing. And so I think because of that story I felt that that's why I had the idea to to have the slow fade out and to have the weekly calls and show I was

really wrestling over the decision. And I know that it was still gonna be a disappointment but it made me feel like at least we could go through it together. And after about six months of these phone calls I finally broke the news that I was officially gonna leave the church. At first I do think she was really really sad and really upset and I think also part of what was playing into it was that often I think members think that if people leave the church,

they're gonna wind up as some like homeless drug addict who will be living in a car and that literally every good thing will come out of their life. Everything will disappear and they will just hit total rock bottom. And so I think my mom potentially was worried

that I would just go from bad to worse. And as the years have gone on, I have two kids, I'm still married, I think it's helped her feel like that even though I'm not maybe what her dream was for me to be as an active member of the church, you know, I'm married, I have two kids, in many ways my my life is almost still Mormon-ish as far as the basics of it, married with kids and a mom. And so I think that seeing that I didn't just

become the homeless drug addict that seeing that I didn't just become the homeless drug addict that maybe she was worried I would become made her feel like more peace with what happened. With my mom and with all of my family we really don't talk about it at this point. Our family is just not really bring up religion and that's another thing I appreciate about how my family has moved forward with this is that we all, at least from where I stand, it's like

everyone has prioritized still being able to spend time with each other and still being able to see each other for holidays and even if they, you know, they're not talking about church as much as they might and I'm not bringing up stuff I might bring up about the church, it's still, it's almost like a stalemate a little bit. Like, we just, I think, want to be in each other's lives and it doesn't mean that sometimes there aren't moments that aren't awkward or strange or difficult to work through.

It just means that I think I'm grateful that I'm in a family that is trying to come together and love each other despite our differences. And that's really, to me, something that makes me really happy is to be able to still be in each other's lives.

And even if I'm not part of their church and they don't maybe fully comprehend why I have this YouTube channel or why I chose to leave, that the highest value is still just being with each other and loving each other, even if we don't see eye to eye on this thing.

I do feel like sometimes, like I'm the black sheep of the family. I've thought before that I should get a jacket that says like black sheep club, because it can be very strange to not make your family proud in the way that I want to.

I think of it, if you compare it to a secular experience, it's like your parents spent every waking minute of your childhood and adolescence trying to help you be a world-class violinist. And they're taking you to lessons, and you're on this track to be the first chair of the world's best orchestra.

And then, because you're not talented enough at the violin, maybe you end up giving lessons part-time to beginner violinists. You might be really good at giving part-time lessons. You may be just the best teacher ever. But you're not what they dreamed of for you. And sometimes that's how I feel.

I knew that as soon as I left the church, I was never gonna be the golden child in the way that I once was. I could get a Nobel Peace Prize, I could write a bestseller, even I could have 10 kids, and none of those things would still bring me,

in my opinion, to the level of what I was in my family's eyes before I left the church. And it doesn't quite matter. And it's just something that I've had to make peace with. It's part of violin teacher to some people. I get really beautiful,

really awesome emails from other people saying, hey, thank you for, thank you for your videos, thank you for your viewpoint. I chose not to go on a Mormon mission because of how you helped me get introduced to stuff in church history, or the experience of being a woman, or criticizing X, Y, or Z.

And for those people, I guess maybe I am a little bit more of the first chair orchestra violin player, but it's almost like whether I'm popular for some people Maybe I am a little bit more of the first chair orchestra violin player, but

it's almost like whether I'm popular for some people or loved by some and a

disappointment to others or not quite what I what they were hoping for I

Have found so much peace in just

loving and accepting myself as I am and not being torn about on the winds of a public opinion either way. You may love me, you may hate me, but I'm me still. And it's almost been one of the greatest gifts of leaving the church. Leaving the church for me has been a huge opportunity to grow and to learn about myself and learn to more or less disregard the opinions of other people. My family, they get to choose to stay in the church and I honor that and I respect that. I don't try to bring any of the stuff that

I talk about in my videos. I'm not trying to bring that to Christmas morning. I respect their choice and I also respect my choice. And I think that both of those things can exist in the same world. There can be so much pressure. I get a lot of emails of people saying

that they feel a lot of pressure to serve a mission or they feel pressure to do what their parents want them to do. And I feel like your parents get their life and I get my life and you get your life. Just like they had the decision to stay in the church,

you should have a decision to leave the church. And their decisions shouldn't have any precedent or make a precedent for what you have to do. Sometimes being raised in a family, especially Mormon doctrine. As a Mormon kid, I was taught that I chose to be Mormon

in the pre-earth life. I chose to come to the earth to my specific family. I chose all of this. And so now I choose to disengage and to leave and to talk about the things that I find to be important. And I think everyone deserves to have that.

Sometimes growing up in families where there's a really high expectation for you to do X, Y, or Z, it can feel like you actually don't have a choice. And I've read enough stories or heard enough stories of famous violinists or famous musicians or famous athletes who actually hate, hate that they were raised for such a specific reason and that they didn't get a normal childhood. And often those are the people who still have a horrible relationship with their parents because even though

they did everything that their parents asked them to do, their life wasn't their own. Their life belonged to their parents and they resent them for it. So choosing your own path in life is really the only way to find happiness, even if it means disappointing other people, because if you do go down the path that they want you to, they'll be happy probably, but you won't be. So who has to live your life? These are the questions I'm asking myself as I'm struggling with whether or not to stay in the church.

Like I'm the one that has to live my life. Not my parents, not my siblings, not my bishop. I have to. I'm the one in my body. So since I'm the one that has to wake up every morning and put my feet on the ground and walk through life, I'm gonna be choosing my own way because I'm the one that has to do it. So I might as well be the one at the wheel.

And it really can be sad sometimes because I wrote an entire book. I'm almost to 500,000 subscribers in a year and a half. And I would love to just do a little screenshot and send it in the family chat and have everybody be like,

wow, we're so proud of you.

Go Alyssa, confetti, congratulations. And I'll never do that. And that really does make me sad. But it's OK. Because ultimately, I didn't do it for anyone other than myself.

I did it because I felt like this was important. And I make videos because I feel really strongly about these things. And so even if everybody was like boo, you know, I'd still I'd still stand by everything that I've done because I did it to kind of for me. I made myself proud and like I said I think that that's the beauty of leaving the church for me is finding the part of myself that is me and rooting out and finding all the pieces of myself that I spun up just to make other people happy. And I'm getting rid of those things.

I'm still working on it, but I feel like to live my life for myself is something that I never experienced as a member of the church. So that's how I told my parents. I broke the news to my older sister after I had already announced it to my parents. She was actually the last family member I told because I, like I said, I really didn't want her to be tasked with being the reason that I had left. I am sad in hindsight. That's another thing that I might do differently now is that I feel like she probably could have been really helpful in those...

It was about a year of both deciding to leave and then telling my parents. It was about a year from when I had started questioning till I told her and I feel like she could have helped a lot. She probably could have been a great support and I think that's the thing I would change is not having to worry so much about how other people would perceive if my leaving was a respectable thing or not because I think that she probably could have been pretty supportive during those those months but I was so afraid

for her to be blamed as the reason that I left and that I didn't leave because I wanted to leave but because she convinced me to that I I didn't ever talk to her until I had announced it to every single other person. I had actually even gone as far as to try coffee and try wine before I even told her. And so I remember when I called her, you know, I'm calling, she's thinking I'm totally still super Mormon.

And during the conversation, I'm like, all right. So in the last year, I've left the church, I told our parents already, and I've tried coffee, and I've tried drinking. And I think she was just like, what is going on? And it is kind of one of the reasons why I think that

I still am just like, I fully believe that anyone could leave the church, first of all because it's just simply not true. So if anybody is going to embark down the path, they're going to eventually find out if they're willing to let themselves ask the question that it's not true. And so I'm like, if I could leave after just how devout I was, I really feel like anybody could leave. I do feel like that also is

part of my mental calculus of thinking about my family and my friends who've been in the church. You know, I had friends who I was Mormon with and then I don't... after I announced that I left, so many of them stopped talking to me. And then, well most of them stopped talking to me. And then four years or eight years later, I get a DM on Instagram and it's like, hey I left the church! And it's like, sometimes it is frustrating because it feels like there's this void of members and ex-members and it's like you're on a team

and once somebody comes over and joins your team, everyone's like, yay let's let's try coffee together. And then while they're still on the other side of the void, it's like you can't quite be friends in the same way. And it's so frustrating because it can feel like this chasm that as soon as someone crosses it it's just like, wow, yay, we're on the same team again.

And then before they cross it, it's like, I can't believe we just can't talk. We're just not friends. I also, as I said, told my two younger siblings, my two younger sisters. Eventually, even though my sister didn't respond to that one text, we did talk about it soon after that.

And we were both really sad. We both cried. And it was so interesting because in every experience I was like, I remember when my older sister left, I cried. It's such a heartbreaking moment. And I felt so bad to just, it feels so bad to not be what other people want you to be,

to not just keep the peace, to just keep everything in line so that everybody is happy. And I truly was sad to disappoint my family in the way that I did. And then for my younger two siblings' weddings, I couldn't go in to see them get married.

And when I say a chasm, it's like the church, I think, is like the church is putting the chasm up there. Like, the church is the reason I couldn't go in to see their weddings. And the chasm doesn't exist simply in the mind

of members or ex-members. The chasm exists because the church puts structures in place so that once people leave, they're not part of the party anymore in the same way. And I think that's also why so much of my content is focused on talking about the church and not so much about the members of the church, because they are just dutifully following

what they've been taught. They are just believing in this overarching doctrine. A lot of the most devout members have been indoctrinated since birth, their entire social circle is dependent on the church, their ancestors were all Mormon, they live in Utah, their employment is often more or less hinging on their church membership, and so it's just it's really hard to leave these types of churches. It's really hard.

And I have so much empathy and love for anybody who's trying to do it. It was easily the worst time of my life. I felt like I was completely torn apart. And because I had disappointed the people I loved the most, they had a hard time being there for me emotionally, just like I was not there for my sister when she left,

because they're busy worrying about what this means for my eternal salvation. And it just felt very lonely and I feel like that's why I'm so grateful that I had my husband at the very least. I had my one true buddy and we did it together. My true friend, at least one person who was just still totally there for me and not getting so distracted in this mindset of what does this mean for the eternities? What does this mean for our family, our forever family?

And so sometimes when I see people who are going through leaving the church, I promise it gets better. It's so hard though. I mean like I said people there are people who hide it from everyone for their entire lives and I just feel like what a life. One of the things I talk about in the book is if you should tell people and because a lot of people like I said they hide it. I

think it's so hard but it's like ripping off a band-aid. Leaving and announcing it and having these difficult conversations, it is the worst part of it. And then once you're out, suddenly it's like the world is full of color and I often think of my time in the church as like living in black and white and then when I left it was like everything was in color and everything, there was so much, so many things that were so beautiful

and I could just experience it and not have to filter everything through this Mormon, what should I be doing? Or what's a good Mormon think about this? Everything got so much better, but in those months or even years

of struggling with deciding what to do, it really is agony. And I'm so glad that I even made the decision when I did. I've met people who, they didn't make this decision until they were in their 40s or 50s. And at that point, you've given more than half of your life for some people to this church. you've given more than half of your life for some people to this church, I also sometimes I'm like, if the church wasn't true, when would you want to find out? You want to find out in five years?

Or do you want to find out now and deal with it now? And that's why I would never tell anybody, here's what you should do when you decide to leave the church. But if you have the strength in you, I do think it's worth considering just letting people know and telling people rather than... I knew somebody who kept garments so that anytime their family was in town, they would wear garments and they would go to church and they would do the Mormon thing just to continue getting the family's love and not to, they didn't want to rock the boat and they didn't want to disappoint their parents.

And I get it, I really do. And I think there's really no right way to do this, to leave the church. There's really no right way to tell your family. It's just going to be hard. And hopefully when you come out the other end, it's better, life gets better. And I truly wish that for anyone

that's going down this path. And I hope that anyone listening to this that's currently going through it knows how much I feel for you and how much I hope for you that things get better and that things, even if they're not perfect,

that things are okay. This brings me to how I told my grandparents. So my grandparents on my mom's side had already passed away by the time all of this happened. That's the more devout side, so maybe I didn't disappoint them as much because they didn't get the chance to see all of this happen. My grandparents though, on my dad's side, were both still alive. And they are the ones who decided to stop attending

the church before my dad was born. They really were so happy whenever we chose to leave. And I sat with them at, they are from New Mexico, and I remember we went to dinner together and they told us the story about why they chose to leave. The details are a bit murky, but it was basically that something to do with tithing that I

think that my grandpa had been shamed for not paying enough tithing or maybe, I can't remember the exact details, and my grandma shared a story about how she had been laughed at once for not wearing the right thing to church one day or maybe that her kids were not very well behaved but they had both just had really bad experiences with trying to be members but not being accepted or and not doing the right things the right way and so I just remember when I announced that I left that that my grandparents,

it was kind of like the whole teams thing, right? Like I was on their team. But when I was a member, they had never told me any of these negative stories. My grandma and my grandpa had driven all the way from New Mexico just to see me get married,

but also to not see me get married because they sat in the parking lot during my wedding ceremony in the temple. And I feel so bad. I just feel like the church is so cruel for these moments of having my elderly grandparents drive for hours just to sit in a parking lot. I just, it's heartless. And it's hard to believe that a church that is so centered on the family really can cause so much heartache in so many families.

It really only works out for people who every single child stays in the church and the parents stay in the church. That's really the only people who this church works for, is people who not only the individual toes the line, but the family, every single family member toes the line. My grandma passed away recently

and we drove to her funeral. And it was really so strange and heartbreaking because most of my family on that side is not Mormon. So I had my family secretly coming up to me with books in their purses and had me sign my book and they were like, we like your videos and we're so proud of you and trying to hide it from my other siblings and my dad a little bit and just like secretly just being like, good job. And I just hate that the church does this to people. Like

I just hate it. It's just like they can't, we can't all just be, we just all have to choose a side. And my cousins and my aunts and my uncles, they, it's like we all have to try so hard to just not rock the boat but still love each other. It was really kind of them to bring me the book and say, here, sign your book, and to say, we are proud of you. I just feel sad that it has to be this way.

While I'm signing it, I'm like, let me do this quickly so that we can put the book away, because I don't want this to be part of this important time which is to remember my grandma's memory. And I know they're excited and I'm excited. And this is just family, I guess. Family is just messy and I love my family so much.

And it can just be so confusing to be disliked for doing something and be a disappointment and then for other people be someone that people are really excited to talk about and be like I know her and that's my niece. It's just it's so it can be so confusing and I feel like that's like like what I've been saying is finding myself in the center of all of it and kind of putting my blinders on to just say I need to just be so confident in myself

that I'm not spending a bunch of time worrying so much about what other people think of me even if it's people who I really, really, really, really love. And it is funny how much I've spent time thinking about my ancestry and what my Mormon ancestors would think of me and that they would probably dislike me and I'd be a disappointment, but also to remember that statistically the Mormon part of my ancestry is still the smallest statistical portion,

probably, and that worrying about my Mormon ancestry is probably still to some extent my indoctrination is showing, because a lot of my family, like my dad's side of the family, is not Mormon or less active or probably would have never joined had they known what was going on in the church to begin with. Even if I'm disappointing my Mormon ancestry, maybe I'm making my non-Mormon ancestry proud.

There's a song that I have been obsessed with. It's called Saint Chroma by Tyler the Creator. And I love the beginning. He says, it's I think his mom and she says you are the light it's not on you it's in you don't you ever in your motherfucking life dim your light for nobody and I I love that song that's like my one of my songs that

I listen to when I need a pump up to make YouTube videos. But another line in the song is, give a fuck about tradition, stop impressing the dead. And I love that line too, because I'm like, I need to not, I don't give a fuck about tradition. I'm not respecting the dead. I am respecting myself. And that's okay. This life we're all here to live is so complicated,

and it really is beautiful, and I think too, like I have kids, you know, I have two kids, and I think how can I love them? How can I support them? And how can I push them to live their dreams and achieve their dreams, but not make it so that they ever think

that anything they could ever do is going to be a disappointment and that I'll love them whether they're giving lessons, you know, first beginner lessons, first-time lessons, part-time as a violinist or if they're up there playing first chair in the world's best orchestra. But the reason that I love them is not because of what they do, but it's because they're my children

and I just love them. They're my babies. And I'm sure because I feel like every time I hit a new phase of life, I'm like, oh, I can see why my parents did that, or I can see why my teachers said that,

or just that the older you get the more you realize like oh they probably were coming from somewhere. I just hope that as I get into later stages in life that I can just continue to love my family whether it's my sisters or my parents or my sons or my husband, that these bonds that I have with them don't have to get strained or threatened by any of these outside forces,

but that I can just have unconditional love for everyone that is in my life. Sorry for having my voices getting strained by all this emotion, but I figured I'd finish by talking about the Facebook post that I referenced at the beginning of the video. Basically, I just decided that I wanted to announce my exit publicly so that when I, for example, posted a picture of me enjoying a cocktail at dinner, there would not be any speculation.

There would be no falling-away narrative, but that I was, it was incredibly blatantly clear that I had made the choice that I had made. And so I posted on Facebook. I tried to find it, but I couldn't find the screenshot. But it was basically, I'm announcing to everyone that I've made the decision to step away from the church. This is a decision that I know will disappoint some people, and I know some people will probably

think it's for the best, but I've decided that this is the path that I want my life to take. And I also then said at the end, if you have any questions or comments, because I know you will, please direct message me or here's my email. I also said, if you comment below, I'll delete it. Because I had also seen that happen on people's Facebook posts, like big posts, the comments

section would just become this peanut gallery conversation. And I knew that I was like, I don't even want to have to deal with people upvoting and downvoting their opinions. Because I knew that probably the top comment would be like, we are so sad to hear this. And then it would have 100 likes or something. And so I literally said in my post, if you comment below,

I'll delete it. If you want to tell me something, or if you want to talk to me, or if you want to have a dialogue, direct message me and I'll respond to you or email me. And so I did end up actually deleting maybe 5 to 10 comments of people who didn't read the whole message,

I guess, because I was like I'm not this is not a peanut gallery conversation this is one-way announcement. It really did give me a lot of emotional I remember posting it I was it was actually after we moved to New York that I posted it and I remember I hit post and I was like ah like this huge sense of relief like, oh my god, it's finally over. Everybody knows and then I probably had two or three weeks of people messaging me and I had some people who were like, I'm really, really disappointed in you.

I had some people who were like, you made me cry because you left and I'm just, I did feel just like, it's okay, like you can be Mormon. It's okay if you're Mormon, just don't make me be Mormon. And I know that they feel like I'm not going to be in the celestial kingdom. And I know that I was a very devout member. I know that I worked really hard on my mission. And if I go read through my preach my gospel, every page is like, I believe this is true.

And I know that it was definitely a 180 to what I had been doing. But at least, you know, here I am still feeling the same way. And I also just feel like, hey, I, you know, once my brain was getting fully developed,

I made the decision. I didn't become less active. I literally took my name off the records of the church because I was like, I'm not coming back. And I'm very sure, I'm so so sure that I don't want to be a part of this anymore. And I know, I know it disappointed people, but I can't respect the dead. I can't live my life for other

people. I just, I just can't do it. I just have to choose myself on this one and I know it disappointed people and I know that these types of things cause a lot of people a lot of heartache but you cannot live your life for other people. Which sounds like a cliche thing to say, but surprisingly it's very hard to put that into action, honestly. Thank you so much for watching. I hope I answered the most, one of the most common questions I get on my channel. Sorry it

took me this long to make this video. it's just, it's a really tender and tricky topic to discuss. I hope that if nothing else, that for anyone who's going through a faith transition, for anyone who's leaving the Mormon church, I hope that this is helpful and I hope in all my babbling that there was something that you could take away that would help you make an informed decision about how to move forward with sharing information like

this. And I will say I have a very great chapter in my book about this where I go into different ways to leave. I have a way to script out what you want to say or suggestions about if you should write a letter or call someone or tell them in person. So if you still want to learn more about how I made this decision or how I went about telling my family, consider checking out my book. This was more about my story of how I told my family. My book is more

suggestions or advice or ideas or thoughts for how other people could tell their family. None of it is, here's what you must do. It's just a lot of suggestions. So consider checking that out if you want to read that. Thank you so much for watching. Thank you so much for watching.

And as always, I will see you all next week.