KT #734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

🎵 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

This is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Brian Rippett! What's up? The best damn band in the land, everybody! Come on! land everybody come on Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo Carlos Sosa Michael Gonzalez Nachos Belgrande Matt Mueling on the electric guitar John D's on the keys and that's D Madness on the bass guitar ladies and gentlemen Wow what an exciting night we have ahead of us ladies and gentlemen I'm so excited about this one. Before we get

started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hi, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, enter the room dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting like someone gave your downstairs a gym membership.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Nothing does it better than Blue Chew. Discover your options at bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners as always get your first month of blue Chu free just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping

That's it join blue choose mission upgrade humanity one thrust at a time head to blue to calm for details and safety Info and big thanks to blue Chu for sponsoring the podcast You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week I bring up two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth to join us. We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings. Tonight I present to you another first-time duo on panel. One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix,

Wet Heat. The other is Kill Tony Royalty, being one of the most used and loved golden ticket winners ever. Yet he's never been on panel before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips! Yeah, Dusty! Welcome, Dusty.

Martin Phillips!

Fuck yeah. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is our first time working together, Dusty. Yes, it is. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is our first time working together, Dusty. Yes, it is.

We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time. I'm excited for you to be here. Dusty has wet heat out on Netflix. The podcast, We're Having a Good Time, and he's on tour at Dustyslay.com. One of the best comedians working today.

Thank you, Tony.

Welcome. I like this panel we have here. You guys look like a before and after for hair. Martin Phillips, how you doing down there?

I'm good, I'm here.

Hell yeah.

I started just doing a minute. Now I'm on panel, now I'm the captain now.

Oh, there it is. That's why he's wearing the hat. Now it all makes sense.

You're Captain Phillips.

And me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Portsmouth, Virginia. And now here we are.

Wow.

Full circle.

Look at that. From Phil Tony to Kill Tony. Yes. An Italian restaurant to here. Captain Phillips.

Yes, and I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night. So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror.

What? Oh, he's got a mirror. To make sure his head is straight. You also have a corncob pipe.

Yeah. It turns out I can't keep the mirror still. So they got a hard...

The Coke's been spilling off in the back. Yeah, I know.

Party machine Martin Phillips, Dusty Slay's first time on this show. Dusty, if you don't know, over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all slammed together in a bar next door. If I pull one of their names out, like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's just a loud noise that interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we sit back, we learn more about the people

and we talk to them all together. The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute.

This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket. He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out blind as a bat and impressed us all. Ladies and gentlemen, the first golden ticket appearance by Chris Celio, everybody. Here he comes. ♪♪

What up?

What up?

All right, I had to make sure.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

I fucking just moved here. I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know. I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am. It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet.

It sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba. Like, if I don't tap, tap, tap and find the exit, I'm just gonna stand there and beep until somebody picks me up. Like, home! that has to send his dick pics to his boys first for approval. Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, is this a good one?

And then they get to be like, why is your dog in the shot, Chris? Were you aiming for all balls by chance? This is just half your cock and not the good half. It's all root, Nobody wants all root. Thank you guys very much. Yeah.

Chris Celio. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Chris.

This time this way, right? Yeah. We're over here.

There's speakers everywhere. It could be easily confusing. I love that you opened up with the line what up cuz you literally don't know and then I thought of something when you were talking about taking a shit I realized how do you know when you're done wiping do blind guys... God damn it, Tony! Do blind guys smell the toilet paper?

You smell your hand.

D-Madness, let's get out of here, dude. We don't have to take this, dude, alright? Somebody walk us out of here, dude. Fuck!

No.

We've kidnapped both of your handlers. You're gonna be here for the rest of the night. Gonna bring a little

porta potty up here. I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes. I just, I don't know how it, well I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him, you know? I don't know how blind, I didn't know how blind he was, if that makes sense? I don't know if that's offensive. 100% don't worry. I don't think you can ask, you know,

it's just, you know what I mean? I agree completely. It's always, it's always different. It's always, some people have a little bit of this, some people have a little bit of that. Him and D-Madness right behind you, completely 100% blind. Not a single thing to be seen between them. Life is like... Party time, everybody.

I love it.

So Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance?

It's been super fun, dude. Yeah. Well, doing comedy around Austin. I've been like navigating Austin alone. Ooh. Which is terrifying.

Yeah. I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day. They all are

but yep. I don't think it was an Uber. I kind of think it's less scary to not see as you're walking. Yeah, yeah it might actually be better for you if you could see what's going on out there you might move somewhere else. You'll go blind again. Yeah. How do you navigate around by yourself? Explain that to us.

Yeah, like, I take a lot of Ubers, you know? This guy was, like, literally, like... -$%&! I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and... stabbings.

Aren't we all.

I kicked a guy's cup the other day and all of his change fell out.

Oh.

It was like all of the money I think he owned.

How much was it? Could you tell from the sound?

Yeah.

Amazing stuff. So Chris, tell us what the rest, what do you do with the rest of your days? Like what else goes on?

I just jerk off a lot.

All right look at that Red Band you can go blind any day now.

No I mean. When when what do you what are you jerking it to really I wonder like

great is it feels are you thinking about feels I mean these are real questions

right? Yes this is a great question. Morgan Freeman's daughter, like somebody has a great voice.

Yeah, I just...

What do you think about? What do you... Can you picture things?

I go on Pornhub, man. I got a computer, you know?

You just kind of listen to them?

Yeah, I do just listen to it, but I can't, like, listen to a blowjob video. Right. blowjob video right yeah it's just slurping and gagging it's not it's not very accessible it could be a dude sucking that dude's dick I wouldn't I wouldn't really know you know that's just that's just gay speak for yourself Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.

Gay. Gay.

Gay.

Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself.

Speak for yourself. You know? I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak with my hands. You know? Like... God's chopsticks, all right?

But I like...

I'll take a girl to, like, an escape room.

Oh. Hell yeah.

And just see how she handles adversity, you know? Like, let's get some problem-solving skills going here.

I love it.

I love it, Chris. Other than jerking off and stand-up comedy, though, I mean, you must have, like, some hobby or something, right?

I can play some video games while blind.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, there's, like, games that... And that blows people's mind. They immediately think, all right, he's faking. And I'm like, no, I play video games very badly. I'll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I'm gonna get it. You know, God damn it, I'm gonna beat this level. You're really just pushing buttons, right? Yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged. Are you close with your brother?

Yeah, yeah. He moved out here with us too.

Nice. And he's and he can see.

Yeah.

That would suck.

Yeah.

Seems like it was a genetic thing though, right?

What you had or I was just born like with fucked up eyes. Like it was just I just rolled bad.

You know?

Huh? Well, you're pretty annoyed right away. with fucked up eyes. Like it was just, I just rolled bad. You know, like... Huh.

Well, you're pretty annoyed right away.

Just rolled him right back.

Yeah.

I was born with a lot of fucked up eyes.

Yeah.

I had, I had like, like weird things like over my eyes. I didn't even know if I had eyes. In every other country, me and Martin were river babies. You know, like...

We're big thinking stone.

They're like, oh, this is a do-over baby. Okay.

We're dead.

But we live in America, so we're here right now, Martin. Alright?

Film. Absolutely. The American dream. Well, Chris, it was a great set. Great, amazing stuff. Well written. You really crossed your eyes and dotted your t's. It was amazing. Red Band? I'd love to have you back on the Secret Show Thursday man. Look at that! Another real gig for Chris Celio. And there he goes ladies and gentlemen. We were just kidding. There's your handler.

Look at him, somehow seeming more blind than the blind guy. Just a super confused handler. Can we get a handler for his handler? Need someone to guide his handler? All right, folks, this is it.

The bread and butter of the show. To the bucket we go go where anything can happen, where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show, and it goes like this. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted

for Pete Garza, everybody.

We're gonna meet Pete Garza.

Pete! Pete! Pete!

I tried a glory hole for the first time. I don't get why you wouldn't just shit in the toilet. That other guy was fucking pissed. Got on his shoes. I gotta stop going to strip clubs. I got in an argument with the stripper last time I went. She wanted me to pay her $100 because I came in my pants.

I was like, bitch, I came in with that. It's not even my cum! You don't know! You dumb fucking slut! I did still pay her the money though. Because I wanted to have sex with her. But hey, you guys know me.

I always fuck with two condoms not even scared of pregnancy or STDs I just hate the way that pussy feels

my name is Pete Garza thank you so much all right Pete Garza I liked it You're a wild boy. How old are you, Pete?

I know this. I'm 24 next month. Okay.

All right.

So you're 23. Yes.

I believe so.

Perfect. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Oh, I know this one, too.

You don't have to say that before every answer.

I know. I'm sorry. About a year and a half, right?

Yeah, it was around the time Floopy the rat died.

Okay, Pete, wow.

Alright.

Who the fuck is Floopy the rat?

What?

Who's Floopy the rat? Oh, he was a rat. He's dead now.

Was he a rat?

Yeah, you could call him that.

Yeah, he lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff.

Your energy makes me uncomfortable.

Really hitting the nail on the head with that one. I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now. It is an odd energy. What do you do for a living with energy like that?

I've been working. I was a caterer for weddings, but I just got another job at Pluckers and also at valet. I got to decide.

You have to decide whether you want to work at Pluckers or valet. I gotta decide. You have to decide whether you wanna work at pluckers or valet.

Mm-hmm.

Big decisions.

I know, I don't, I also gotta find a place to live, but you know.

Wow, where do you live now?

I'm crashing at a couple friends' houses.

Okay.

How much stuff are you lugging around to each place? place. Oh, well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me. But I take both jobs. You were a valet at a pluckers or they were separate. No, no, I'm going to be asked. I'm asking Dusty. You say you did both jobs.

Oh, I'm saying you should take both.

Oh, I thought you said you did both jobs.

Oh, I have, well, I have, but, um...

Yeah, I think you should take both jobs. I think you should really, really start working. You don't have a place to live.

I know, it's very scary. Where are you from? I'm from Laredo, originally, down south.

How long have you lived in Austin?

Five years.

Five years? Have you ever had your own place?

Yeah, yeah, I moved here with my ex-girlfriend to go to UT. That did not work out.

Really?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, no, it was during COVID, so I dropped out after a year. I had a full ride.

How'd you have a full ride?

I was, believe it or not, I was very smart back then. I had like a, yeah, like, no, I had like a 15.

I think we're all going with not.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think the strip club is the right move for you. I agree. You're having some financial issues it sounds like.

Yeah.

Yeah, well I used to be doing pretty good. I was a valet at like a really nice resort, but I got fired from that.

Why'd you get fired?

I was late a lot.

Ah.

And they gave me so many chances. It was really my fault.

Wow.

Do you have a car? Yes. What kind of car do you have?

Mazda 6. I like the car a lot. Wow. All right. What do you like about it? It's really pretty. It's blue. I like it's comfortable and it's reliable.

It's fun to drive. That's enough. That's enough. Yeah. All right, Pete. What's something surprising about your life that we could never guess about you?

Oh, this happened recently. I almost had a threesome with a married couple, but then they asked me for a picture of my dick, and they told me that it was too big. So they...

Prove it. it took my phone right that's what I would say to

How big are you?

like Asking for a measurement like actually um I 20 centimeters what all right very very good Okay, how big are you? I think that's like eight inches Wow look at that Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you Give good girth or is it like a pencil?

OK, Red Band.

Jesus Christ. We get your little silly thing in there, and then you just have to push it to the limit. What is the girth like on it?

All right.

We don't really care.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

It's just a thing we do where he goes over the line and then I pretend like I'm mad at him, but then I follow it up with the thing. It's a whole highlight reel of these things.

Did you have both condoms on in the pic?

That's a good question. How's the girth? How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms around us? Three and a half. Yeah, I don't know man. I just I like the tightness of it all. Uh-huh. All right, well.

You're a weird guy.

He really is. He really is. But a decent set, Pete. As wacky as you are, and as odd as you are in the interview portion, I liked your set tonight. Here's a big joke book, there you go.

♪♪

There he goes.

There he goes, everybody.

Pete Garza. Uh-oh. I know what that sound means. It's the lovely Heidi, everybody. She's got a new website, HeidiRegina.com. How exciting.

Hi, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, enter the room dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting,

like someone gave your downstairs a gym membership. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And here is our senior sex correspondent, Red Band.

Tony, I love Blue Chew. They're providing the best ED treatment out there.

Let's just say I have added some masks to my main mask.

Ooh, geez, Louise's Red Band. Sounds good. Guys, this isn't just about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy. Get your get her group chat something to talk about. You know how to lay it down when you're talking about what gets up makes you legend. Nothing does it better than blue to discover your options of blue to calm and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of blue to for sponsoring the podcast. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.

Guys, the hiring experience can be a drag, waiting for the right candidates to apply, sorting through resumes, trying to get in touch with potential candidates. It's a lot. Well, the future of hiring looks much brighter

because ZipRecruiter's latest tools and features help speed up finding the right people for your roles so you can save valuable time. And now you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony.

Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. It's the best hiring site around. With ZipRecruiter's new advances, you can easily find and connect with qualified candidates in minutes. And if you see a candidate you're really interested in,

you can unlock their contact info instantly.

Yee-hoo!

So use ZipRecruiter and save time hiring. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And if you go to ziprecruiter.com slash killtony right now, you could try it for free. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

All right, your next bucket poll, everybody, goes by the name of Jim Talley. Here we go, Jim Talley.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Yeah, how y'all doing tonight? Woo!

Fuck yeah, I wanna talk about Elon Musk tonight, man. Uh, yeah, I don't... I don't like the guy. You know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars. You know, I'm black. I'm not going, right? Look, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking, and I just... I don't wanna run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket... to be taking unknown lands, you know?

You know what I'm saying saying where you gonna stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit Smelling the gas leak and shit. Fuck that. All right That's not NASA. That's NASA. All right I'm gonna need to see a return ticket or something. I'm trying to say But now I will give him some credit. I don't think I think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute They say he did I don't think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute they said he did. I don't think it was a Nazi salute.

Cause I watched a lot of the historical footage and the Nazi salute, it's a lot more zesty than that. I'm serious, you know, Hitler was on some gay shit, you know? So how many straight men you ever seen do this?

Zeke, Kyle, right?

My name's Jim Talley, guys. Good night.

Jim Telly.

Great set.

Yes, sir. Fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler to death this weekend. No better place to come hide out from the police than here. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

At the mothership.

You are profusely sweating. No better place to come hide out from the police than here. Yes sir, yes sir. At the mothership.

You are profusely sweating.

Yo, I was walking here and apparently they called me and I was still outside the building so I fucking jetted here. I'm black so I got here fast as fuck.

Oh my goodness gracious, it is incredible. You are soaking wet. You look like you were just in a water park. Do you ever go to water parks?

What do you think, Tony? No, I bet you don't. I don't swim. I don't like to swim. I don't like deep water.

At all. Martin Felix. Well, the captain's here.

Look at me. I am the captain now, now, okay? Wow.

Jim, you've been on this show before, correct?

Yeah, yeah, about two, three months ago.

Okay, remind us. What do you do for work?

I'm a merchandiser for an international beverage company.

Whoa.

Yeah, I practice that backstage.

Okay.

Sounds great.

I am afraid of how sweaty you are. It scared me, and I didn't want to say anything. But I don't want to go to Mars either. I'm with you.

You Dusty Slate?

Yeah.

Oh shit, hell yeah, man.

All right.

I see you on Biz Marker North Dakota.

My one fan in this whole place. That's what I'm talking about.

A little respect there. Yeah, I seen him up in North Dakota. Steamed Ashi. Just kidding. Uh, just kidding. It's the opposite of Ashi. He's a self-moisturizing machine. It's absolutely incredible. Amazing.

So Jim, what do you do for fun?

Uh, I do this shit. I work out a lot. I practice voices from time to time.

What type of workouts do you do? Are you out there lifting heavy white women?

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I do look like I fuck white hoes, but nah. She's light skinned, but yeah, but anyways. But nah, I like power lifting and shit, you know. I like to, I wanna be able to be in movies one day, so I wanna be able to be in shape for that shit.

Wow, okay What else have you been doing to prepare for this possible movie career?

Oh practice and monologues and you know again voices and accents and all of that shut up, which I'm kind of good at

Yeah, I'd like to hear a voice. Yeah me too. Yes. Here's some of these voices or accents. All right

Hello. Hello guys. Um, my name is Jim All right, as you lot can tell, I'm not from here.

That's pretty good.

I'm into it. I've got a few jokes for you lot tonight. I'm going to do them, you're going to laugh, and then I'm going to go.

Wow. You know what? I was going to arrest you, but I'm going to give you a warning instead.

Wow.

What else do we got? What else do we got up our sleeves over there? Do me. No, don't do Martin.

He's thinking.

Don't do Martin.

Hold on.

Oh, what else can I do? Oh, I can do an African accent. Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I actually was practicing this shit earlier. I was thinking, what if I like, what if I was to narrate a documentary about your life?

Me? Yeah. Okay. You know. In an African accent?

Absolutely. Okay. Let's hear it.

All right, here we go.

Here is Tony.

Ha ha ha.

A gay man.

Ha ha ha! You know what? I changed my mind. You're under arrest. You son of a bitch.

How dare you? Oh yeah.

Nah, I just said it like that.

That's so fun, Jim. Fuck yeah.

I love that.

What else about your life?

Tell us more, Jim.

You have a girlfriend, you said?

Yes, yes I do.

What does she do?

She's a personal trainer actually. Wow. So she's in good shape?

Exactly.

Amazing. How long you been with her?

Uh, five years now.

Did you meet her at the gym?

No, I didn't actually. We met on Hinge. Whoa. The dating app designed to be deleted. Thanks.

Oh yeah.

Amazing.

It worked for me. on your first date? Oh, she came to my house, actually, for our first date. And we went walking around the park and shit. And that's about it. It was very boring, actually, our first time meeting each other.

Did you hook up on that first?

No, she wasn't trying to do it. She's a good girl, Tony.

Right.

Well, you were probably also drenched in sweats. Which is just. You were probably wetter than she was on that first time. Probably, probably.

She was like, uh-uh, nigga, right?

Now, is she just a light-skinned black woman, or is she mixed 50-50?

No, she's like, well, she's everything. She's Trinidadian, Belize, and...

You know what? She's under arrest, too. I don't like the answers I'm getting here. Yeah, Yeah. Wow. Jim, you ever have a near-death experience? Um, yeah. No, come on.

Near death, yeah. I mean, kind of almost died, but I had an abscess that got infected and it was closing up my tubes. It was kind of... Let me ask you a different

question. Yeah, I didn't like that one. What scares you? What are you afraid of?

What genuine-

Knives.

Knives. Tell me more about knives.

I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16.

Whoa, an African circumcision.

That sounds like the near death experience.

I was hesitating on saying it, but yeah.

My goodness.

They use a knife, a regular knife on 16 year old Africans? Wouldn't they need like a samurai sword or something like that?

Butter knife?

A machete.

Yeah.

Nah, more like a machete. My dad actually got his cut with his machete.

Really?

Cause like I did my shit in the hospital. Same time?

No.

Ha ha ha ha.

One, two, three, no. Quotits, but no, anyway.

What do you remember about that? That had to be totally traumatizing. A 16 year old going in for a circumcision.

Yeah, it was December 25th, 2009, on Christmas.

Wow.

Exactly. No, I got eight shots of anesthesia.

You got what?

I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick.

Eight shots of anesthesia.

They went around four times. They checked, and I could still feel it. And then they went around another four.

Wow.

Listen, I ain't gonna lie, like, I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a bitch, but my dick let out like a, eh, like, eh. Amazing. Like, my dick was done, you know?

Is this when you started doing voices?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, my dick was the first one.

Yeah, I could do that.

Twisty first. Thank you.

Amazing.

But my dick grew. It did. It's swelling. Ah. It's swelling and it's scarring. So now I got ripped for her pleasure and shit.

So.

Hell yeah.

Naturally.

Absolutely. I'll take that back.

Don't show that on TV.

Amazing. I want to show this to my mom when she's watching this.

Sorry, mom.

That's right. Where's your mom watching from? Where's she at? Right now she's in South Florida. Okay. And she took you for the 16 year old circumcision?

Nah, I did that myself.

You just went on your own?

I asked the doctor. I just made sure that my sister could take me to the actual hospital, but nah, I did that myself. It was cheap. It was like 39.99 plus tax.

Wow. Look at that. Eight shots of anesthesia. And your sister took you. Yes, sir. Her name's also anesthesia. Close, it's Nyasa. Really?

Yeah, that's what it got.

Wow, incredible. Well, Jim Telly, fun times, fun set. I think you did it. You get a big joke book last time? I did. Well, then there you go.

Keep working on it. Come back again, Jim Telly. Look at this. We're having a good time, which is also the name of Dusty Slay's podcast. And it's also what's happening right now. All right, your next bucket pool looks like a new one.

Make some noise for Hal Soddy, everybody. Hal Soddy.

Thank you. I got circumcised in Costa Rica. I used to sound like a girl when I was growing up, then my balls dropped, now I sound like a woman. It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay. So I stopped talking. Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything. Oh yes, they can.

So I stopped talking. I stopped smiling. I stopped fucking dudes. What else does a guy need to do, you know? All right. I guess that's all I wanted to do. Meow, huh?

So another 15 seconds if you got anything else.

Oh, let's see. I'm not a political guy, but actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot, and my conservative friends, they annoy me just as much. But what I think is cool about that is that

you all thought I had friends, so.

Thank you.

There it is, Hal Sahni.

Hell yeah, Hal.

Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? Yes, sir.

How long you been on stand-up? About six years over a span of 12, 12 years.

OK.

I quit a couple times.

Right.

Yeah.

Right. What made you quit?

I got tired of repeating my jokes, and I started doing improv, and I thought that was fun.

It was? Then what happened?

Then I liked stand-up more. Right.

And here you are. You live in Austin now?

Yes, sir.

For how long?

About three years.

OK.

You moved here for stand-up?

Yeah.

OK. How's it going?

It's been pretty good.

What do you do for work?

I'm a web developer.

OK.

Yeah. How long have you been doing that? About 13 years. And you're fully employed? I'm self-employed, yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

All right. Perfect. Halsadi. What's the name Halsadi?

What is that? So it's, my name is actually Halil, but I shortened it, and it's Arabic.

Okay.

Yeah.

What kind of Arabic?

My family's Lebanese.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah. I love it. La la la la la. Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that?

No, I was just riffing on the guy.

I thought it was a weird coincidence.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Did you do it in Costa Rica or?

Yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica.

Oh, okay.

So you really did?

I grew up there.

Yeah.

Interesting. Was there anything odd about your circumcision? I was a baby, so... They do it differently in Costa Rica?

Um, they probably ate it. I don't know.

Alright.

Sick.

Yeah.

How's your girth? Okay, Red Band. Red Band. Come on, Red Band.

It's pretty thin.

Interesting. So tell us something interesting about your life, Hal.

I hear the sounds of flies in my head.

Okay. All right. Explain that a little bit better for us.

In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs, so I always hated that. So when I moved here, I always make...

There's one rule in my house.

It's always to close the door, because that's how they get in.

Right. Okay. That is how they get in.

You hear these flies all the time?

Yeah.

You hear them right now?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah. Well, because of the noise.

Yeah, but seriously, you like...

I sometimes I get PTSD from it, because if there was a time like multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting like, like looking all over the place hearing flies, yeah.

Wow.

So you hear them when they're there? there. It's actually a positive thing.

Yeah, yeah.

I agree.

Sometimes, yeah.

I think we all suffer from that.

Do you need medication or something? What was that? Do you need medication or something? What was that? Do you need medication or something?

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

You married, you have a girlfriend?

I'm married, yeah.

Married, you have kids?

No kids, just two dogs.

Two dogs. Okay, you love your dogs.

I love my dogs.

What kind of dogs do you have?

They're mutts, they're both pit bull mixes.

All right.

Yeah. That's a ticking time bomb. There must be more to you, Hal. What else? You have any big passions? You collect locomotives or something?

I do like trains, yeah. I'm trying to think. You know what? I had stuff that I would prepare,

and then when I got here, it just went away.

They just flew out of your head?

With the flies.

Yeah, with the flies.

Yes, the flies.

Um, I, um...

Do you like fire trucks more than trains?

Okay.

All right.

Do I look autistic trucks more than trains? Okay. All right. I'm just, all right.

Do I look autistic? That's why?

A little bit.

Just a touch.

A little touch.

Okay, Redman.

All right.

All right, Hal. Well, here's a medium-sized joke book. There he goes, Hal Sadi.

All right. All right.

All right.

All right. All right. We're having fun. You guys having fun out there? Here's another bucket pool for us, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everyone. Trip Callahan.

Oh my God, guys. I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling

tuck-friendly bikinis to children. I'm like, guys, I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling tuck-friendly bikinis to children. I guess like a bikini with a little pouch where you can tuck the dick. At first I thought, yeah, at first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it. Because basically what you're saying is if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to

see the cock. Yeah, dude, your kid can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging. I got weird opinions on everything. I still think race matters a lot. Like for example, a white lab, that's a great dog. A black lab's also a great dog.

But a Chinese lab, that will shut down the world economy.

I...

I am against racism though. Like there's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice. Like whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat.

Yeah, because then she has to fuck black dudes, so.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? I did like once a year in college, but like four years.

Four years. Where at?

Pittsburgh and then here.

Awesome. How long have you been here?

Like year and a half or so.

Awesome. What do you do for work?

H-E-B, bro.

Yo!

In the good lords we trust, the one true God who watches over us, Lord H.E.B. We were literally talking about it before the show in the green room. If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about fucking little H.E.B. tricks that people don't even know. Red Band, would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening not even fucking an hour ago You know if you buy crabs or snow crab legs

You just take them to them and they will boil it for you with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping So if you get crabs or lobsters you go, you know what now cook it for me while I go shop I'm gonna come back and pick up the crab legs the way I fucking want them. But I mean, I wouldn't recommend talking to the people like this, but it's more like in your head, you know what I mean? You're like, please and thank you in real life, but in your head, you know they're just fucking cooking them for you.

It's unbelievable. Is this a true fact? Do you work at HEB? Yeah, dude. I work in like produce. I got like Happy Gilmore's job basically.

Wow. Incredible. So tell us more about your life at HEB. We love HEB. It's a dream sponsor. I'm sure it's right around the corner.

Well, it's not that bad actually. I like, I'm stocking shelves. I'm moving around pallets and sometimes they put me in the back with like the Mexicans and I chop up fruit and stuff. Ooh, okay. Yeah, sounds racist, but it all checks out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like the only white person on my team, so it rules.

Yeah, of course. Let me ask you something. There was a very controversial case. A young man, a young autistic boy recently was working at a grocery store and they caught him eating a little bit of the what they call what would they call that go backs or like the fruit cups or it was like it was like outdated oh yeah yeah kind of stuff i once worked at a grocery store when i was 16 years old giant eagle in youngstown big bear kroger guy whoa we remember both of these places very

clearly to ohio- based extremely prolific grocery stores nowhere near to the good lords of each But how do you bend the rules you ever take an old magazine? You well, there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about you non

Gs. Well, we can take like I do like we can take like the fruit We just have to say we're sampling it, so we're like, give the customer a better experience. So you're kind of allowed to at HEB, which rules.

A lot better than whatever the fuck that, uh, do you remember what that one was?

No, I don't. Oh, it was, uh, I do, I do almost remember.

It was, uh, Ralph's?

No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't really matter, but yeah. No, it was, what was it?

Fire.

That was Fire.

Yes, yes.

I got caught shoplifting there.

Very controversial. You got caught shoplifting?

Yeah.

What did you shoplift? The most embarrassing thing I ever, it was, no, it was, what's, fucking what's that, Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack and one of the Paula Abdul albums. I guess there was two different ones.

It was the red one, I think. Look at that.

I thought I was the gay one on this show. Jeez, what do I have to gain weight to balance this? We're supposed to play our characters. Unbelievable. Wow. So tell us more about H-E-B. Tell us the, the, the, what we, it's clean, right?

Yeah, it's pretty clean. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, it's, it's kind of just a, like, manual labor job. It's not that hard, but...

No, we know. We know.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. I worked in sales before. I hated that, dude. So I actually don't mind it. It's not that funny. Sorry, guys.

Dusty, have you been...

Well, I would just want, like, you dress like Adam Sandler and you have the job of Happy Gilmore.

Are there other Adam Sandler things you do in your life?

Yeah, is it true that you're still in fourth grade?

Reading level, but yeah, dude. No. Dude, I play golf.

I think that's Adam Sandler.

Yeah, that counts.

Yeah.

I'm not good though, dude.

I love it. Okay. Trip, what else? What else about you? Tell us something crazy about your life

that makes you different than everybody else? Well, I knew, when I was growing up, I knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer.

Ooh, tell us more.

He only got to two, he like failed, he got caught.

But, yeah.

Two's not bad though, that's not bad.

He did all right.

He didn't have to be serial.

Well, he was like, he was like, he went to the other high school in my area, he was like this fat Jewish rapper. And he would show up at parties in like freestyle or whatever. He wasn't good, but like, but then like when we went off to college, he started doing heroin. And he like took more than the recommended dose or whatever. So yeah, he OD'd. They bring him back and, and like his brain was all fucked up.

Also turned him into like a gay homosexual.

Ahhhh.

That's what happened to me.

Yeah and he wasn't happy about it man because like imagine you're doing heroin which is like awesome and the next time you wake up like you can't come without getting fucked in the ass so.

Whoa.

So then he was like really mad. He started killing gay guys.

That's who he was killing?

Yeah, other gay guys.

Yeah.

But gay guys he went on dates with?

Yeah.

Well, the one was not really like, this is like revenge.

A little bit. Well, the one guy he met on a dating app, this is how he got caught.

He Ubered to the guy's house, walked in, shot him, walked back out, Ubered home. So I think it left like a paper trail or something.

Did a little heroin.

Wow.

Bad date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amazing. I can't believe the Jewish serial killer used Uber and not Lyft.

Good point.

He's paying dollars more for that trip.

Yeah, he didn't tip the guy much. I don't know.

Incredible. Trip is your real name?

No, my real name's Joseph.

I've been called Trip since I was a baby.

Why did they call you Trip?

Because I'm like the third, so like triple. It's like if a black dude's name like Trey,

it's sometimes the same thing.

Oh, yeah, totally the same thing oh yeah totally the same thing Martin trips all the time everybody calls it a Martin I should be trapped I should be trained I love it trip well you had a great set it was a very fun very fun interview great stuff man here's a big joke book, come back, sign up again. Trip Callahan. All right, let's do something special here, everyone.

You may have been paying attention to this storyline, but a couple months ago, I lost a real big Texas Hold'em heads up poker match. And I have to finish paying off my debt. This is my final debt, is this spot. I'm gonna bring to this stage a very funny man.

He's just starting out in stand-up comedy, but he is literally the number one ranked Heads Up Texas Hold'em poker player in the world. He lives here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for his second ever minute on Kill Tony. This is Doug Polk everybody. Doug Polk.

I'm a professional poker player but this show changed my life. Since my first appearance my DMS have been flooded with dick pics. Tony can you please stop? I have a wife and kids and besides I only asked for one. I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol before 10 a.m. in Texas. It's a dumb law right? But the crazy part these were non-alcoholic beers. When you're buying non-alcoholic beer

at nine in the morning,

you know you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic. You know when I knew? I had a late night out drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I could remember everything. It's getting pretty bad.

I think it might be time to join non alcoholics anonymous. Can you imagine that? Hi everybody I'm Doug. I don't have any problems. It's a 0.0 step program. It's just so nice not to take any daily steps. Am I right Red Band? Big close on the red band. The slow head shake from red band always makes me laugh. Doug, fun time. Sorry about the dick pics.

That was a fun set. Uh, yeah, I heard.

So I came in with the dick pics jokes. And then the first guy talked about dick pics and the second guy talked about dick pics

I'm like goddamn it's gonna be a tough day every once in a while a premise just goes through on and on Usually it's jerking off and this and that but that's a special dick pic episode of kill Tony I Think glory holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight, But anything can happen. You never know what's going to happen. But the non-alcoholics thing, interesting, right? Kind of like a normal, regular attempt at a premise. Like it's tricky. Is this true that you're addicted to non-alcoholic

beer? Well, so I was at the store and we were at like Whole Foods and we were checking out and I go through like I'll be drinking or not drinking. And I was like, I'll just grab some non-alcoholic beers. And it was 9.48 AM at Whole Foods.

And they're just like, sorry, we can't sell you these. Whole Foods, boo.

Boo.

Sorry, HEB, HEB.

This is an HEB exclusive audience. Even the people visiting have been the need of the dark lords of H-E-B. Does Nashville have a killer grocery store?

Nashville? Yeah.

I don't think, you know, we have Publix.

Publix is good.

Oh, some real pop for Publix here.

Publix is what's up.

Where shopping's a pleasure, they said.

Martin, where do you do your shopping?

Walmart.

Wow.

Ew. Or ATV, or ATV.

Okay, all right.

I'm still kind of poor. I got a little bit of a...

All right.

I wanted to say, it feels like buying non-alcoholic beer at nine in the morning is a worse problem than buying regular beer.

Yeah.

Because they're just like, why?

Yeah.

They're both problems, but they're different. Yeah. Because they're just like why? Yeah. They're both problems but they're

different. Yeah. But one seems worse to me. Yeah. Like you're like I want to get

started but you know I got stuff to do.

Do you ever feel a buzz off a non-alcoholic beers? No no I don't think

so. I'm not the actual expert. I guess I should have maybe clarified that.

No, it's okay. An interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else. I don't know if you guys have ever seen, like, Magnus Carlsen talk or anything, or really anybody. None of them really make many public appearances when you're a freak sabant

fun fact about doug pocas you have about ten or fifteen minutes to beat him in poker and at that point he's already figured out where you look where you blank what you sound like what you do in every single thing that changes so i know you think that you have a chance against him but you really don't but you do in the first ten or fifteen minutes and after that

it was a the beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right? Because if you play Magnus Carlsen in chess, he's just going to crush you. But in poker, anyone can win, which is good. But the pros obviously win in the long run.

Yeah, it's freaky.

Would you say that you have to know when to hold him and know when to fold him?

Yeah. There's a lot of truth to that song. For sure. And tell us, how, like, how are you doing? How's poker been going? Update these people of what your life is like. Yeah, so I'm looking at my worst year ever this year. Ah. Yeah, I'm down, like, 700K.

Oh, okay, only $700,000, everybody. It's the culture, you bum.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

We'll get him there. We'll get him there.

I know which one's worse. 700k.

Yeah, no doubt about it. So what is your plan to win back this money?

Well I'm gonna, I guess, play more poker. That's kinda all you got, you know?

Is there a reason why you're having a bad year? Is it just bad luck? Is it post-flop chaos? Are you in with the right odds?

Getting your steps in?

Are you misreading? Oh, look who's getting his revenge now that he knows you're down 700K.

I think a little bit of it is I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever. Yeah, we're a bad influence. Yeah, well obviously I'm the one that's doing badly but I've been hanging out with like Uncle Lazer and...

Oh no.

Oh God.

Fuck dude.

You're getting non-alcoholic beer and then hanging out with Uncle Lazer? That's even worse. Even D-Madness is like, I'm out of here. It is bullshit

He actually he had me come open for him the other day

Uncle laser yeah, yeah, I'd like to show here in Austin. Yeah, I put on my knife nicest wife beater

That's great Hell yeah You know what I just realized is Chris Celio on this episode D. Madness on this episode We have a big blind and a small blind here as well One more thing see the worlds they cross over. One angry man just staring at me right into my eyes. Incredible. He did not like that joke.

Doug, fun times. It's a fucking --"It's a process," stand-up comedy. You came out and you nailed the joke on me. You closed with the red band thing, the non-alcoholic. I agree with Dusty. I think that it's worth examining,

kind of like flipping that, if that makes sense, like flipping your take on it, because it seems like you would be the craziest human being buying non-alcoholic beer that early in the morning. Like you're trying to really chase some demon.

Yeah.

But not at the same time.

And 700K, you know, sometimes you got to know when to walk away and know when to run, you know?

But Doug, it's been fun. We had fun playing poker that night. And you're a great human being and very, very fun to watch. Make sure you check out his streams of what not very entertaining like a freak athlete This guy beats the shit out of everybody

Even though he's 700k in the hole But he's won millions and millions and millions before so it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is Are we still having fun out there, everybody? We're going back to the bucket, everyone. Make some noise for Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell.

♪♪

Hello. I'm English. Or as you lot like to call me, gay. Thank you for that. I had expectations when I came to call me, gay. Thank you for that. I had expectations when I came to this country, guys. Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way.

So when I was coming up, High School Musical coming out. What the fuck was that? An all-white basketball team won a state championship?

Fuck. Right. Off. I was also disappointed the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene.

I was completely unprepared for these high school drills, guys.

You have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball. Fuck me sideways.

My dad's South African, which means I'm genetically racist.

But he has a poster of Mandela.

That's been my time.

The cat was a little loud there. What did you say your dad is?

He's South African.

Okay, all right. Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand-up?

Almost five years.

All of it in England?

No, I started in America. Colorado.

Okay, what made you start in Colorado? Nasty breakup. See, you fell in love with an American girl? I did. Moved to Colorado. I know. And how long were you in Colorado? I know that you know. I'm just, I'm just keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here. You're just peeling me apart, man. I'm sorry. So how did you meet this American girl? Oh no no no I moved out here well before that. My dad got a job when

I was 15 and then I moved out here with him. He's not brave or anything, he's not in the military, he's just like a tech support guy. We know, he's English. South African if he was paying attention. But he's a citizen of England, right? No. So he's just in England. He's American now. Oh, he lives in America. He went from South Africa to America. Yes. How did you end up in England? My mother's vagina.

How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in England?

He worked very, very hard.

Did he visit England?

A lot.

Right.

So your dad's been in England?

Oh yeah, no, yeah. But he never lived there? No, we lived there for a while, but he never...

He lived there for a while, so let's just rewind two minutes. You little fucking smurmy British bastard. Coming in to have your moment.

British comedian kills, kill Tony. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Errr, look at this clip. You son of a bitch. Alright. So Matt, what do you do for work?

Uh, valet. W Hotel.

Wow, the W Hotel. Ooh, oh. Valet W Hotel Wow the W Hotel you know you're not also picking up shifts at a cluckers no but they they desperately needed a diversity high and I was the best they could get of course yeah of course everybody loves that wacky accent Sierra valet a job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time.

I'm sorted.

What's your big goal? What are you going to do? You focus on stand-up? You do a lot of spots? Yeah. You love it?

I'm going to Houston next month, but other than that, pretty good right now.

What are you doing in Houston?

I've got apparently a drug show. Ooh. I don't do a lot of drugs but I'm prepared what are they gonna make you do smoke the devil's lettuce yes really Wow you might my dad likes to call it the wacky backy oh pretty fun Wow he's old he's like near 70 Wow those South

Africans they just fuckin they age like black dudes it's great it's amazing they

are from Africa. Yes.

Have you spent any time in South Africa?

Yeah, a couple trips.

Do you ever hear flies inside your head?

No, no, no. Never flies inside my head, but I remember one trip, I went to visit my grandmother, and the most vivid memory I have of her is just her walking up to me and squashing a

chameleon in front of me when I was four.

Wow.

Yeah, just with a big rock. 60-year-old grandma.

Were you playing with the chameleon?

No, I was just looking at it.

Oh, wow.

It's tragic. But you were looking at it, enjoying it.

Yeah, I was happy in that moment.

And she could see it.

Yeah.

She knew.

She knew.

That's the chameleon. That's its fault.

Well, Martin.

It can put it down.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Martin, chill.

Martin, if you know anything about South Africa, it was definitely the wrong color.

Oh, ooh.

That sounds like dirt your grandma goes after a lot of.

Chameleons, yes.

Different colors, I guess.

So...

Matt Campbell, tell us something else wacky about your life, Matt.

I went to an all boysboys Catholic school in the UK

Hitting the old pipe celebrating victory

No

So this girl in Colorado she broke your heart. Yeah, tell us about it in Colorado, she broke your heart? Yeah. Tell us about it.

How did she break your heart? She had a fat ass.

Oh, hell yeah.

You don't find those in England.

No. They look and sound like me, Tony.

Oh, I know.

Yeah.

I know.

We were just there.

How was it?

Did you enjoy it? No.

Oh, it's the worst.

Oh, okay.

We literally hated everything about it.

Worst week of our lives.

Yeah, it was the worst.

Were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup?

Or did you just run right out and do it?

No, I've always kind of liked comedy, but I never got the balls. She discouraged it? Yeah, no, she, uh... It's not that she discouraged anything, it's just I sort of found nothing to care about

after she gave that sweet pussy up, dude.

How did she let you know that she was breaking up with you?

Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named Grandma.

Ooh.

Wow, turns out that Grandma was crushing chameleons, too.

I know.

Thank you, sir!

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Damn.

The old naughty grandma.

Ugh.

She might as well have been. She was a little bit older than me.

So she had it saved in her phone under grandma.

It was under grandma.

What kind of text was she sending to grandma? Filthy. Were you at first like, is this how you talk to your grandmother? Is this what Americans do with their grandparents? I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out.

And then realized I'd been retarded the whole time. Just not like... You're like, your grandma's up late.

This grandma's really horny at 2am.

Was there a specific text or moment where you really figured it out?

Yes, 7 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah, what was it?

It was May 19th, 2021. Brutal, dude. Yes. Brutal. Just got out of the shower and she left her phone on the side. And Grandma said, So when are you coming over?

And coming was not spelled properly.

Wow. Grandma's old. Yeah.

It's not spelled. Yeah, I'm not sure you made the right move here.

Yeah.

This sounds, when are you coming over? I mean, that's not as dirty as I was expecting.

Two M's, mate.

Well, I got, I'm from Alabama. I got relatives that can't spell. I mean, that's not the worst misspelling I've seen.

Matt, Matt, Matt. So how did you handle this situation?

Did you just?

Had a quick spaz, immediately gave up,

and just started doing comedy.

Did she admit it? Not immediately, because she was staring at Bible quotes. Had a quick spaz immediately gave up. Yeah, just started doing comedy. She a minute

Not immediately because she was like staring at Bible quotes, but like after we figured that out, you know She was staring at Bible quote. We took Jesus out of it. Yeah

Out of the argument. What do you mean exactly? Well, they're like in the moment when I found her

Cheating on me her phone. She was reading the Bible. Oh yeah, oh that is the reddest flag humanly possible.

So how did she talk to Jesus? Martin Phillips is on tour at martinfillipscomedy.com.

Wow.

My goodness.

Did she have any text messages with Jesus in her phone perhaps?

I fucking hope not, man. I fucking hope not.

Incredible, Matt. Well, fun times, my friend. You're doing it. You're chasing the American dream. You got that right. Congratulations. There's a big joke book. There he goes. Matt Campbell, everyone. I'm English, but my father's South African. South Africa and me mama be be be be be mama. Alright I have a feeling the tone's about to change tremendously in this room.

Make some noise for Mushroom Matt everyone. This uh there's Mushroom Matt.

Alrighty folks so uh I'm a bartender right right? Been bartending for over a decade. Make thousands of drinks, I've made thousands of drinks. Um, people order some weird ass shit. And like, I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off though. And that's when people order their drinks virgin. I don't get it, I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer.

You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan. I love alcohol, but I'm not gonna stick my dick in your whiskey tonic. That's a health code violation. So as a bartender, I've had a lot of different bar jobs, like a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants. My friends say I'm a bar slut, and you know, it's a good thing you can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants.

Actually, I take that back. Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P.F. Chang's or Buffalo Wild Wings. They look fun, but it's not worth it.

So, did y'all hear...

Okay, that's good.

Did you want to finish it? Is it a quick one? Yeah, it's a quick one. Did y'all hear what?

-$$$!

It's kind of stupid, but, um, they're gonna... Did you hear that they're gonna deport everybody in Albuquerque and New Mexico? No. Yeah, that's right. Trump says no more New Mexicans. Ah, got it, got it, you're right.

Dumb as fuck that joke is. Welcome Mushroom Matt.

How's it going?

Fun times Mushroom Matt. There's a lady that just got murdered

in the middle of the room.

Let's talk about it. Did you really get STDs from P.F. Chang's BW3s? Yeah. Really?

Yeah.

Wow!

What kind of STDs are we talking about?

Chlamydia.

Wow.

Yeah. I've had chlamydia twice. One from my high school sweetheart and then once from the girl at P.F. Chang's.

Wow.

That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks from him.

I make a mean spicy martini.

Wow. I make a mine mean spicy martini Wow, then the non-alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight. I gotta tell you

How long you been bartending mushroom at 10 years or 9? How long coming up on stand up? Um, I so I Started three years ago I took like an intermission and then like I moved out here like six minutes months ago And I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here. Oh

What are you laughing so hard on over here? Fuck took an intermission? Yeah What do you mean by an intermission? I I I don't know

I uh somebody close to me died and I kind of just like stopped doing it for a while. Was it who died? my Uh, my... Her name was Nina. She had a fentanyl OD. I knew her since I was 12. She was like my high school sweetheart.

Oh, of course.

She gave you chlamydia.

Yeah.

Was she the one that gave you chlamydia?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to put her on blast, but...

Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend. It's all good now. She's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist.

Uh-huh.

I hope so. Yeah, I really hope so. Did you say you worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah. Yeah, I've been at over...

In nine years.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know.

It's like, you're not that good at it.

No, no, no.

It's like the restaurant industry is weird, dude. Like there's places you'll go and you'll work. And like after a month you're like, oh shit, this place sucks. Like they lie to another. It takes a while to like find a good spot. But once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while.

You're a little slut.

Wow.

So have you been dabbling in some serious drugs,

Mushroom Matt?

Why do you ask? You can find the name Mushroom Matt.

I am a big fan of mushrooms. We talked about it last time. I've been announced before. Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, absolutely.

I love mushrooms. I actually give them out to comedians that I like because I have a lot of them. So I just give them out. Not psychedelic. They're truffles.

What does that mean?

What's the difference? No, I don't want to get in trouble it's Texas it's okay you you've already said enough go ahead for sure so what's the difference between second oh you're saying okay yeah all

right I got you okay yes okay excellent do you like me yeah yeah yeah dude oh

yeah absolutely you're fucking dope talk to me dude this guy's gonna be tripping all over town. Nice. Mushroom Matt. So, but other than mushrooms, what other drugs have you done? I like to, oh, like a lot.

I don't know, like when I was 19, I was a pretty hardcore drug user, and then like I stopped doing hard drugs.

Like heroin?

Like, like everything. Like, I've done everything like a bit of an intermission I yes, yes You know, maybe when I get older like like late late ages I'll do hard drugs But like when I'm young I kind of want to try to pursue my youth and use my time as wisely as I can

Okay, like it's too late for you, man. Oh, fuck, man.

You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants?

I, yeah.

How fast do you think you could name the, if you, how many?

Okay, so.

Here we go. Chubby's. Give me a little restaurant name in music here, John B's.

One, two, one, two, three, four. Sailor Jack's of fuck dude. It's distracting sailor Jack's West side Bistro

Guys

You're fired again

I could like I have worked at a lot of restaurants, but like it takes like I don't know that was very intimidating how Like, I don't know, that was very intimidating. How many different Buffalo Wild Wings?

Just one.

Just the one. It wasn't bad as a bartender, you know, you'd make like two to $300 a night, not bad. It seems like one of the lower end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night, it's chillin'.

Was there ever a time where you got fired

and you didn't deserve it? Oh yeah dude, oh god yes dude. So, so, so, okay, okay, like you guys can probably tell this, I have like a lot of energy, right?

Yeah, you have former drug user energy. We've seen this before. A lot of great comedians have it. A lot of great comedians used to do fucking serious drugs. I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians, I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common.

No, no, I got you. Tim Dillon, Theo, all these guys have fucking partied to the absolute limits.

Yeah.

So, uh, fuck, what was I saying?

There it is. There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Confirmation that, indeed.

Okay.

Fuck, I lost my train of thought. Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it?

Yes. Okay, so I have a lot of energy, and, like, I use the restroom a lot, and that, like, I have a really nervous jack. It looks bad, right? It looks bad. Like, I've literally been fired from three different jobs because they thought I was, like, doing coke.

And, like, I also... Talk right into the tip. We can hear your heartbeat. keep it up there. Okay. Um, I've been filed for multiple different restaurants because I have like a lot of energy and I use the restroom a lot and it just comes off like I'm doing blow. But I don't always do blow at work, you know?

Would you say you have more energy right after you pee?

Um, it's like, usually pretty, yeah, no less because I'm in a rush to get to the bathroom, so I'm like, you know?

Really jonesing for the bathroom.

Yes.

I think you're on coke right now.

No, no, no, see, that's what my managers say. I'm like, nah, dude, I'm just like this, man. Like, fuck.

You should do coke for the interview,

and then it would always be lower

Did wise wise words matter actually yeah, that's a good strategy

What helped you get off the hard drugs um? I don't know probably someone out there You know watching the show right now, just tide one off. And fucking heating up a spoon right now, getting ready to go work their shift at a P.F. Chang's fucking bar. You could save their lives right now. Explain to them how you did it.

Did you perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains?

I don't know, like, I never really had an addictive tendentious disease. I just like struggled to fit in., like, when I was doing drugs, there was, like, people to hang out with. So, like, I would do drugs. But, like, I, like, was on Adderall since I was 8.

So, like, meth wasn't really, like, I don't know.

I didn't really like it. I just did it while you were on Adderall? Uh, no. Yeah. Well, no, what... -$%&! That's exactly what a guy still on meth and Adderall would say.

No, no.

No.

No.

No.

No. No. blah. Nice. How... How do you get rid of chlamydia? Just ask it for a friend.

They give you a shot in the ass.

Wow.

Yeah. Damn, that's how I got it.

Oh.

That's another gay joke, everybody.

That's awesome.

All right.

Mushroom Matt, fun times, there you go. Thank you. Mushroom Matt, everybody. All right. times there you go thank you mushroom Matt everybody all right get that a compelling interview there we go looks like we're gonna get our first female comedian of the sweet sweet sweet let's make home by Tom mayonnaise pepper love you One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody.

And now, looks like it could be a new name. Make some noise for Elena P, everyone. Elena P.

Hey, Austin, how's it going? Good, good. Are we dating? Anyone dating here in the crowd? Yeah, actually I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care. I'm dating a doctor, so, and he's hot, so I win, you know? But, um, no, when I told my family and my friends I was dating a doctor, obviously mom's super excited. Some of my friends were a little

bit concerned. They were like, dating a doctor? I'm like, yeah. They're like, haven't you seen Grey's Anatomy? Aren't you a little bit worried? I'm like, yeah, you know, McDreamy, McSteamy. And they're like, exactly. You think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell?

I was a little bit taken aback.

I was a little offended. I was like, you guys, he's a gentleman. nurses in the stairwell. He's at least fucking them in the call room. My God, come on. No, absolutely, if anything, the only thing that's really screwing him is the American health care system. So yeah, yeah. That's it. Thank you guys.

All right. Elena P. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on?

It is my first time on. How long have you been doing stand-up? Today's my first day, y'all.

Wow, starting here? Did you do an open mic earlier or something?

You know, I go to a lot of open mics. My boyfriend, he actually does comedy, so we came to Austin on Friday night, and we leave Wednesday afternoon, but we've been popping around to all the local spots and dating a doctor that also does comedy I do yeah that's his backup plan if comedy doesn't work out he's got the doctor thing is he a real doctor it really is a real doctor what kind of doctor is a general practitioner yeah he says clearly I did not go to medical school so I'd like an urgent care yeah if you go it turns out they make a lot of money working at Urgent Care.

Really? How much money? Do you know how much money he makes?

I know that he just got... He's now able to actually practice on his own. And if he got a job at Urgent Care, I think they'd pay like $200 an hour or something ridiculous.

Like, yeah, it's a lot better than all these valet motherfuckers we found on today. How about you? What do you do for a living, Elena?

So, I'm a photographer, so I actually like...

Oh, zero dollars per hour. Zero dollars ever total made. Wow.

I am a photographer and a Lagree instructor. Most people don't know what Lagree is, but if you do...

What is it?

Lagree. What is that that is like Pilates on steroids essentially is what it is So yeah, you do that. I do yeah, I've been coaching for three years and taking before okay Do you do private classes? I do know it for you red band for you right man. I would yes

Yeah, he's been eating a lot of palates of food plates Plates, but pronounced it palates Space lattice because you like plates

multiple I

Can agree with that I can agree with that

Elena how long you been with this guy?

We've known each other for a year and I've, and we've been officially dating for six months,

or seven months.

Seven months. And you really trust him?

Yeah, yeah.

Does he ever text his grandma?

Yeah.

You know, I don't actually know. I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead. The other one alive, I think.

I think he's close with his grandma. We'll see, I don't know. I haven't met the grandma yet. You guys don't get into personal life too much, huh?

Well, yeah, I have to fill out a whole form if I want to talk to him, really. So that's something I do.

For 200 bucks an hour, when he's at an open mic,

are you going, you're really losing money here, buddy.

Yeah, right. I like to tell him I at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows because I've actually get paid as the Photographer to take their photos. Ah, yeah, he's made you know

Martin Phillips is furious Incredible so where did you meet this guy? We met on a boat actually,

which is, I love your captain's hat right here. Look at, this is the captain of the boat. Martin Phillips is our captain.

Look at that.

There he is. If anybody's wondering who sunk the Titanic,

here he is everybody.

Yeah.

Yeah, we met on a boat.

It was my friend's birthday that I got invited and he lives at my friend's complex so they were like down at the pool or something or another and he was like hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend and they were like hey we're going on a boat tomorrow. They told me I was going on the boat tomorrow. Where was this boat at? It's at Percy Priest. So I know Desti Slater is from

Nashville. I live right next to Percy Priest. Yeah. I was there that day. Yeah, right. I can picture you just standing behind a tree watching the whole thing happening.

Yeah, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Now that's love, if I've ever seen it.

Right, right.

The start of fresh love.

I'll say, hey, we were having a good time. So that was a great day. I love it. Yeah. Two fans here. I love it. Yeah. You were actually, you were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zanies.

All right.

And it was amazing. Yeah, it was. Yeah, he really is a good comedian.

There you go.

Yeah.

Perfect.

And urgent care is a good job for a doctor.

I've always said that.

You know, I'll take your picture anytime. Saturday. Did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show? He did. He's here.

The doctor's in, everybody.

The doctor is in. And you guys are only visiting this Monday?

Only this, this is, he's got to get back to the clinic. So you know, we got to get back to the-

In Nashville.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, I could have actually seen your boyfriend before.

You probably might have had. I think it's a yeah. What's his name? Dr. T. Dr. Tim T. He signed up as Dr. Tim T. Dr. Tim T is here.

Go get Dr. Tim T.

Yeah.

It's been a long time since we've had someone's significant other on this show. We're gonna see who fucking really writes the prescriptions in this relationship here.

Yes, I love it. Yeah, he's he's great. Amazing. He's been great.

And did he start stand up before you or were you doing it? He did. He did. He started back in

Arkansas. That's where he's from. And then he got really into it kind of when we started dating almost a year ago. He was really into it and like I just kept going to open mics. And yeah, the Nashville scene is really something out there. A lot of clean mics, but also there's some dirtier stuff that's angry and things.

We're really doing it there.

Yeah, yeah.

Here we are.

That's incredible.

While we wait for Dr. Timmy T, I'm going to ask you, do you always perform like, do you always

dress like you're about to a Martian or something fun. I love a theme. I love a theme, so that's that, you know? Alright. I love fashion for my girlies, you know?

It's like a bad episode of the Kardashians right now. That's incredible. Would you say you're high maintenance?

I just would like to think I have high standards.

That's a big glaring yes all capital letters with five exclamation points afterwards. What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you? How long does it take you to get ready? If we were like, we gotta go, oh shit, we were supposed to go to dinner with my parents. Let's go. How long would it take?

To be honest, I am always like chronically late. But I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of like a natural makeup look. So I try not to. This is the most makeup I think I've worn all week. But I usually try and do like a tinted sunscreen. All right, great. Like what time did you start getting ready for this show?

I gave myself a good half hour. Oh. At least, yeah, a good half hour, so.

Let's ask the doctor.

Yeah, right, yeah.

The doctor is in, I've gotten a word, and you can just hide out behind the horn players in front of the drums over there. Put that mic in the mic stand. As I introduce to you the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena,

not only dates Elena, but has sex with her as well. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr. Timmy T, everyone.

♪♪

How? Do y'all know why the Native Americans say how? It's because the settlers killed them before they could get out. How are you doing? I went to this Indian restaurant the other day and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls. Now I'm from the South, that's not completely un-normal, but I went up to the guy at the front and I was like, hey man, what's up with all the swastikas?

He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck. I was like, hey, what's better, the lamb bintulu or the buttered chicken? He was like, ah, they're both good in their own right. Yeah, I didn't get either one, I ended up getting the swastika masala. Yeah, I'm kidding, what I really got was diarrhea.

No, so I grew up really religious and being really religious they're like hey you need to try to be like Jesus which is a really high standard you know he was perfect walked on water performed miracles I was like how can I live up to those expectations and then I read Revelations 22 12 and said Jesus said behold I cometh quickly finally, I can be a little more Christ-like.

Wow, Dr. Timmy T. Wow, look at that. What an incredible thing. What a stud you are, huh?

Thank you.

Look at you, just a good looking doctor. You're funny, you got it all going, except for that fake ass girlfriend over your shoulder.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome little brother.

I love it.

You're adorable Dr. Timmy T. Welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Thank you.

How long you been doing stand-up? Oh, like two years, like a year seriously. Awesome.

Yeah.

And how much time did you spend in medical school?

Four years in medical school, six years in undergrad.

Okay, look at that. Dusty, what do you think about this guy?

Well, I'd like to know how you treat chlamydia.

Ha ha. Pfft. Pfft.

Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty. Okay. Yeah, doxycycline. Where would you put it? Uh, in the mouth.

Yeah.

So you think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine?

I am unaware of what you're talking about. Okay.

Yeah, but probably.

Okay.

Amazing. Dr. Timmy T. So you're a general practitioner, right? Yes, sir. You cover it all. What's the craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever?

Oh, I had a man whose penis was rotting off.

Oh, wow.

How did that happen?

He ended up having surgery. He got one of the, he had erectile dysfunction and he got one of those like penis pumps put in. Oh. But he lied to your doctor. Never lie to your doctor. He lied to his doctor and said he wasn't smoking.

Yeah.

Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis enlarger?

Well-

Fuck!

You know-

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Oh, no!

I'm going to need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes. That is weird, though, because all my whole life I would say, do you smoke? I'm like, yeah, not really. Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever. They should tell you, no, no, if you do, just say yes. Can you explain why? Oh, I can already, I can probably already tell,

it probably restricts the blood vessels.

That's right, that's right, that's right, Tony.

Oh my God.

You're a smart guy.

You are a smart guy.

I really am, you know, I think I could be a doctor too.

You know, probably.

Yeah. everybody for everything. We'll call you Dr. Cyclene. There we go. You're a fucking, you're a real fucking guy. What do you do for fun, Dr. Timmy T?

Oh man, I like to play sports.

I play basketball, pick up basketball.

Wow.

Yeah, I have bonsai trees.

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah.

You really just do it all, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah. Me and my girlfriend have been building Legos lately. Aww.

Amazing.

Wow.

Are you eight? He has to partake in activities that she can do as well.

Wow. I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done?

10 minutes. 10 minutes. Would you like to do a little dance? Wow, I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done?

10 minutes.

10 minutes.

Would you like to do like an 8 minute set at the Secret Show Thursday?

Absolutely I would.

Alright, cool. There you go. The doctor is in. Doctor Timmy T. Doctor, here you go.

Here's a big joke book.

Boom.

And here's a little one for the lady right there. She got out of punchline and a half, shut the fuck up. What an adorable couple though, congratulations. There they go, Dr. Timmy T and Elena P. How fun. I wonder if this is who I think it is.

I wonder if this is our old cowboy friend. We're gonna see. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

Oh, it is.

One of the legends of the show, the return of Carlos Lopez.

Howdy.

So I was asleep in my bed, the night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had. And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at me. I thought

I cheated on Siri, this thing was fucking screaming. My phone went off and it was a, it was an Amber Alert for a 15 year old Hispanic girl and I thought that was fucked up cuz what about her two kids? Are they okay? Are they getting taken, too?

Here are my thoughts and prayers. So this border situation has never been great, but lately, I've been seeing it bring out the worst in people. I'll leave it on that.

Go ahead. Finish it.

The other day, I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico. I don't think he meant it. No, because if he meant it, he'd learn how to say that shit in Spanish.

Carlos Lopez. We actually watched him have his very start here on the show. And that, you know, it's just like the nature of the beast. Like what I was talking with Doug Polk about earlier. And then your second time, kind of rough, right? And then look at you.

You're back with that same type of snappy, hard-hitting punchlines that you had that first time. You've been working at it, huh? Oh, yeah. Incredible. You take this seriously. Yes sir.

You're a serious man.

Yeah.

You're a serious cowboy.

Yes sir.

And you're driving 18 wheelers.

No, I retired.

Oh shit, you hung up the old truck nuts, huh?

Yeah.

I... I...

I...

What do you do now? I'm in wheel estate. Wheel estate? Wow.

Come on.

You're selling wheels?

Hill country manufactured homes.

Real estate. Wait, wheel estate?

It's like real estate with wheels on the bottom.

Okay. Look at this.

Best of both worlds.

Hell, yeah. That sounds like a one-stop shop for you, Martin Phillips.

Interested.

My goodness, so tell us more about the wheel estate that you're selling. Sell us right now. I'm sure there's some people here. There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now. That's not who I'm talking to.

Like trailers.

Oh, okay.

You're from Alabama, you speak whatever language this is he's talking.

Yeah, you're talking trailers.

Hell yeah.

Manufactured home, that's a fancy word for trailers. That's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer.

This is incredible. So it's a different type of market. Well, maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer. Maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer. Great. There's a lot of comedians watching, I can tell you that. And these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time.

You could probably be a one-stop shop, and I'm gonna give you the single spotlight treatment sell us on... real estate.

How much you fuckin' pay on rent?

-$1,000.

You wanna pay that much with only, motherfucker? It's that easy. They sell themselves.

Sold. I'll take three right now.

You can afford it, I promise.

No, no, no, I don't want to.

And then you go, how bad is your credit?

Ah.

The fucking homeless people are the ones that can't afford the home. That's why they're homeless. Figuring it out.

Right. Right.

So do you offer tornado insurance?

Like, like...

Hell no. Hell no.

No, that's your bread and butter.

That's a terrible business idea.

Yeah.

You need the tornadoes. The tornadoes bring it back around. It's the wheel deal.

I'm gonna have to use that. I'm sorry.

It's yours, buddy. You can have it. It's all yours. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So that's going good for you, selling a lot of trailers?

I'm four weeks in right now, just getting started. I want to get off the road. I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has a nut allergy.

How did you find out?

We have a son now. He's three months old. Swallowed for nine fucking months.

I see. I see. You nutted inside of her. I get it.

I get it. I get it.

I was having a wheely hard time understanding the joke for a second, but now I get it. Wow. Congratulations. What'd you name him? I bet you gave him a real cowboy, a now I get it. Wow. Congratulations. What'd you name him? I bet you gave him a real cowboy, a real regal name, am I right?

Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked. I named him after my fucking heroes. Tony Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez.

Wow.

Tony Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez.

That's mostly true.

Tony Walker Lopez.

Tony Walker's got a good ring to it. Yeah. Not really that funny, I guess, but it does have a good ring.

Yeah.

Tony Walker.

It's Jackson Walker.

Oh, Jackson Walker.

See, that's what I was looking for. That's a real country name.

Jackson Walker Lopez.

I didn't want to leave with that.

Sounds like he would deport himself. You know what? I just figured out what my last name is. I'm gonna go ahead and hit the dusty trail. I'm gonna get inside of my home and drive up there. Wow. I love it.

You get him a little cowboy hat already?

He's not ready yet. He has to earn it. Oh shit.

What does he have to do to earn it? We had a couple up here that's trying to figure he has to earn it. Oh shit. He doesn't give a fuck. What does he have to do to earn it? We had a couple up here that's trying to figure out Legos right now. What does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat?

I guess hold his fucking head up first, you know?

That's true.

That's true.

Is that how you talk to him?

I mean, you can right now, Yeah. Yeah. Just vibes? Just vibes. Yeah. Hell yeah.

I love it. I love it.

Mom's handling it all well?

Oh, she's doing great.

Yeah.

And, uh.

Breastfeeding?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Nice.

She had big tits when I met her, but holy shit, now.

Look at this.

Red Band's heart is a rock right now. I see it hanging out of his shorts. He has a special penis pump he's been using lately.

Wow.

Incredible. Do you ever taste any of the breast milk? You ever give a quick little suck?

It's not something I do on purpose, you know?

Right. But if it happens accidentally...

Yeah, because I gotta warm up breast milk when she's gone, and you gotta make sure that it's not too hot sometimes.

Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby.

I don't want to steal the produce, you know?

Yeah.

Only got so much. Hell yeah. Some of that old cowboy cream, you know what I'm saying?

Fuck yeah.

I love it. What surprised you or what's surprising to you about having a young three month old? Is there anything that surprised you? This is your first kid?

Yeah, my first kid. Man, honestly, the urge to go home now is there. It never has been before.

Yeah.

I've been fucking just rambling all over the place.

That's what it seems like with all of our friends. Once they have a kid, they're back home, and they're not hanging out, being degenerates like we all are. It seems to be the common thing.

It's amazing how your wife doesn't make you want to be at home, but the kid does

Well once you got a taste of that fucking that BM, you know what I'm saying

Sweet little fucking is your wife a Mexican very

Chasing Latinos is more than just a hobby. Wow.

So it's like a hiracha.

Yeah.

Come on.

Okay.

Some of that titty tamarindo, am I right?

On delay.

Oh yeah. Very good, Martin.

You really are the captain now. Carlos Lopez, fun times, you did it again. I'm out of big joke books, but you already got one. You're the man, Carlos. This crowd loves you, everybody loves you. Killing it.

Daddy's home, Carlos Lopez. And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen. Another proud Mexican father that we've known, ladies and gentlemen. Another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hank Garza.

I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people, and you're just like, like. Y'all know the ones I'm talking about. I've really had it up to here

with these bullshit weed names, and they're like, Hank, it's exotic. It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple. It's not exotic. If we wanna start naming weed that is exotic,

let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs.

Kush.

The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I have at home. Uh... It's actually the sleep apnea machine. You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose?

Crazy. Uh, I want to end this on an impression. This is my impression of a fortune teller from the late 90s, early 2000s.

Bombaclat. Y'all remember that?

Here we go.

Ahem. This is Alex Jones here, letting you know everything I said back in the day came out to be true. They are fucking kids on an island, and they are turning the frogs gay. My name's Hank Garza. That's been my minute.

Thank y'all so much. Hank Garza.

Alright. I like the racist algorithms. And the sleep app. Do you have a sleep app in the industry?

I have a BiPAP, yes sir.

Wow.

Yeah. Reason in and out for me.

Oh my God. You don't even have to do anything. Wow. You don't have to think about any of it. You just lay there like Darth Vader. Wow, is that good? You get a good night's sleep with that thing?

It's all right, I have a one-year-old right now,

so I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him.

Right.

Is your one-year-old terrified by that machine?

Nah, not at all, man. I look like Bane. They hook me up like a Tesla.

Wow.

Yeah.

OK.

But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apnea machines.

Right.

And we just hit that shit like a hookah.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Incredible. When you say, Nava hose to see the hose, what's a Nava hose mean?

No, no, no. I have to take down the hose to go see the hose because the CPAP machine has a hose.

Oh, it's a hose.

Got it.

All right.

Got it.

To go see the hose.

Yeah.

I got it now.

You take it with you.

I have to.

Sometimes. Yeah, and if they see you with a sleep apnea machine, they know you plan on stay I mean business

I mean fucking business, dude

You got a bag of condoms and a sleep apnea machine

That's right, baby

poppy

Wow, look at that. Look at that. You have all these catchphrases for not being able to breathe on your own incredible

How'd you go to the doctor and find out that you needed that machine? Like, what made you go to the doctor?

Yeah, Red Band's a week away from this.

Yeah, dude, I feel like I should have one.

My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying.

Yeah.

I'm good.

And you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you.

That's right.

Hell, yeah. on you I love you babe Martin do you have to sleep with anything wacky you

have any wacky things oh no I can sleep normal I'm not like this freak

Martin Phillips.

Holy shit.

What else is going on in your life, Hank? You been doing stand-up for a few years?

Yeah, I just completed three years. Just getting up as much as I can, bro. As much as I can in San Antonio, raising kids. That's it right now. I'm a stay-at-home dad. It sucks. I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time. It fucking sucks. Yeah.

Men should be out there doing shit, not raising kids, but whatever. Wow. But wife makes a pretty decent living, so I'm like, all right, you know what? I'll change a diaper.

Fucking whatever.

Hell yeah, okay.

I hope your kids aren't watching.

Yeah. Way better set you had tonight than the last time you were on. You screamed last time I was on. So it's very scary.

Last time I ate a huge dick on here, on this show, man, that shit was such a rude awakening for me on where I was comedy-wise. Take this shit seriously, man.

It's a ruder awakening than when your CPAP machine runs out of water. Is that how those work? You put water in it?

Yeah, you know it. Yeah, you put water in it. It's like a humidifier. I like high humidity dude. Then you put it on like 72 degrees. Oh, damn.

I want to try it.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Well, okay Hank, great stuff.

Thank you so much.

Here you go.

Here's a big joke book.

Hank Gar stuff. Thank you so much. Here you go. Here's a big joke book Hank Garza He's our buddy. That's our buddy Hank. It's a big joke book. That's how show business works Well, I mean what can I say this has been a hell of an episode and I think there's only one way to end an Episode like this ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind that curtain. For he holds the record for all time appearances,

interviews, in the history of the show. No one has done it more, nobody has done it better. A living member of the Kiltony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Shaw of Shopify. Sponsored by Masshole Lobster Truck. It's known as the Memphis Strangler,

the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, live in the flesh.

This is William Montgomery. ♪♪

I like to buy my dogs from the pound because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals

who think they're out on parole.

-♪♪

After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain dead human being and I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer! Last week, Cracker Barrel board of directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo. The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million.

The good news, we'll be seeing Shane Gillis in Cracker Barrel commercials very soon.

**Laughter**

What were Kurt Cobain's last words? Courtney, don't!

Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Wow. Exactly 59 seconds. Two or three of the biggest jokes of the night. I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode the joke you just did. That is so funny. That is incredible because it's probably true.

Oh, it's very true. I fucking hate it. And if y'all look up, seriously, it's crazy. If y'all look up the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like fucking the girl from... Oh, what is her name?

Everyone That Hates Our show. You are correct.

The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now.

Really?

Damn.

Is that true?

It is true.

I don't know if it's still airing,

but I did do a 15 second commercial.

Dusty, that is wonderful. I swear to God, that is a dream of mine. I happen to love Cracker Barrel. That really is so cool. That's so cool. What are you saying in it? What do you even do? When I was in it, the stock was doing great though. It was still doing really well. We had the old logo. Mm-hmm. The old design. Yeah, you seem, now

that you mentioned, I could see why they would pick you as one of their clear representatives absolutely incredible Wow William you did it yet again I mean incredible what was the thing would you say a pig alum a what a pig alum pig alum what did you say what was the pig

lung pig lung pig lung yeah they literally there they found they did it in a brain dead fucking person and they

put a pig lung in the brain dead person and the lung lasted for I think eight days.

Wow.

Wow. Look at that.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What a great experiment. I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it.

Yeah.

I mean, incredible performance. Really, really amazing.

Oh, you're really sweet.

Well, Tony, I think it's, I had that, the Courtney love joke or whatever, I have been listening to since last week because I was up in Spokane, Washington this weekend. It's the first time I've repeated a comedy club. It's been like a year and a half

and I created this whole new set. It's 70 new jokes, 30 old jokes, and it took me forever. I was taking, Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall I've spent two full weeks on it, and I've been listening to the song by a whole called Softer Softest probably 700 fucking times. For anybody who's hearing my voice right now, it's one of the best songs ever.

I've been listening to it.

It's on repeat, Tony, on my Spotify. It's not a good song, Redman says.

Oh, you don't like that song? You don't like anything, idiot.

He told me about this, and I was like, oh, this must be a great song. I used to have that album. It's just like a throwaway song, but you're addicted to the girl that played it that died of an overdose. You have this whole conspiracy about it that Courtney killed her also or something, right?

Yes, I think Courtney was involved in the bass player's death.

So, tell us more about that. Tell us about this conspiracy.

Well, it's just so horrible. When I was up in New York City, Tony, I just looked. Something happened, and I saw the picture of the bass player for Hole during this point in time of their career, the second album, and I was like, oh, my God, this girl's beautiful. And I started reading more about her.

I was very intrigued, and she died at 27, and they're thinking the guitar player's the one who injected her with all the heroin, and then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player to do that, so it's this whole can of worms, Tony.

Wow.

That is a can of worms. Are there more people that you think... Oh, he does not like Red Band's lap.

That's like a fucking laugh out of my nightmares when you do that, you idiot.

He does not like Red Band's lap.

They have a long to get along. Yeah, he's talking shit about that song. I think people will like Softer Softest when they listen to it later tonight. I think people will like the song. It's a wonderful song.

It seems as though you think that Courtney Love is responsible for the death of the bass player of Hole, the death of Kurt Cobain. Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed? The Soundgarden guy.

Yep. Okay. Tony look-a-like.

Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, Parnell was the guy on SNL. Yeah, Chris Cornell.

Who else do you-

Thanks, Jacob.

Jacob on the-

No, I'm kidding.

That was awkward when I couldn't remember y'all's names.

No. Is there anybody else perhaps Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime? You've been following, you've been going down this rabbit hole.

Well it's weirdly enough they're saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein because she knows people who are good.

Yeah Jeffrey Epstein, Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed.

Whoa!

Yeah, she's the one that killed his ass.

Whoa.

How many days have you been awake in a row? I slept till 1.30 today, which was the night before I only slept an hour, but I was able to sleep till 1.30 today, which was, I really slept in today. I needed the rest.

Wow.

That's, whoa. That's exhausting of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got. What time did you go to bed? 12 p.m. There you go, an hour and a half of sleep. No, 12 a.m. Oh, there you go. Yeah, that's better. Is there anyone else you think...

It's like army time. How do you even figure out army time? Wow.

Incredible observation, William. Is there anybody else you think, in this conspiracy theory of yours, do you think that Courtney Love may have killed during her last?

Maybe Dave Thomas?

Whoa, the Wendy's guy? Yeah. From Columbus, Ohio? We love.

Red band, that's right, right?

Yeah.

Yeah? You told me that when we were a band, remember?

Wow.

How about? Yeah? You told me that when we were a band, remember? Wow. You let me know about that one, remember?

You called me that? All excited?

When you found out about it? Yeah.

There's another person?

Wow. That's incredible.

Dave Thomas. Can you believe that?

Uh-uh.

Red Band can believe it. Red Band gets very sad when he's reminded about the death of Dave Thomas. Yeah, that might be my real dad. That might be my real dad.

Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes. I don't know if we actually could figure out if it was buckets. I don't know if we'll ever find out if it's serious.

He was his executive secretary, and then my parents got divorced, and I never found out why. It might be my real dad. Wow. I just heard executive secretary. It makes sense. I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father. I mean you are a 52 year old baconator. Here's the beef. Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love may have murdered during her lifetime? Lisa Frank!

Whoa!

And I'm kidding about that one.

Passionate about that one.

I'm kidding about that one. That's why I tripped.

Who's Lisa Frank?

The lady who made the stickers and stuff. Like the girl site.

Oh, okay.

Who else? Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for their untimely death? What about maybe...

Who?

Maybe...

Uh... Maybe 9-11!

Whoa! Courtney Huff is responsible for 9-11?

No.

That's crazy!

She didn't do that.

How do you know that?

Huh? How do you know she had nothing to do with that?

I'm just pretty sure she didn't. I did the research.

Wow. Maybe just building 7.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a smaller building.

People forget about that building.

People do forget about that building.

Tower 7. people forget about that building. People do forget about that building. Tower 7. Everyone remembers 9-11, but no one remembers Tower 7. Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for?

Well, this one's horrible. He's actually on my shirt. King Cobra, JFS, Josh, rest in peace. He just died up in, I think, Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him. But King Cobra, JFS, rest in peace. He just died up in, I think, Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him. But King Cobra JFS, rest in peace. He had a bad drinking problem.

I couldn't stop watching him. If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love, and she was here, face to face, I'm sure she's watching this right now. What would you say to her? What would you say to Courtney Love?

Courtney, I get it. You don't, Courtney, I get it. You don't normally take requests, but if you could play Softer Softest off of your second album, I could sing the words with you. Wow. I'd be able to sing every single word with you.

Wow.

That is incredible. So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her and sing with her, even though she kills people.

Yeah, oh my gosh. Soft or Softest. I'm not kidding. I've listened to it 800 times since last week. I'm not even kidding. It's on repeat on my phone. That's all I'm listening to. Wow.

And it almost feels weird because now I like it.

Uh-oh.

Seriously, now I like it.

That's how it started with Kurt Cobain. One second you're liking her music, the next thing you know.

And you wrote 70 jokes listening to that song? 70? No, I was analyzing all of my Kill Tony minutes. I think I've done, like, close to 320 of these things, and I was analyzing my stuff.

Wow. Doing a little...

And then praying to God people will laugh when I put it together in a certain way.

I was gonna say, that sounds like new comic advice.

Listen to that song.

Yes, my new comic advice. Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever, I think you should go for it and listen to Softer Softest when you're analyzing your jokes.

Seriously. Do you think you're ever gonna stop listening to So softer I don't think William Montgomery has done it again this episode brought to you by Shopify guys how about can this place get his first time on panel Dusty Slay everybody what heat is on Netflix make sure you watch it on Netflix he's on tour at Dustyslay.com and his podcast is We're Having a Good Time. Martin Phillips first time on panel, everybody.

The captain is in. Martinphillipscomedy.com. He's on tour all over. The drawing from Ryan G. Ebel is in and it is indeed amazing. He's drawn, oh, just the last 700 episodes or so, whichever the guests are. Let's see what Chris Rogers, the live Austin artist,

drew during this. Oh, Mark Norman! Look at that! Shout-outs to our old friend Mark Norman, who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode, which, if you haven't, and you should, and you must,

go watch that on Netflix. And, uh, yeah, Red Band. Check out my fake band, Cat Bread 7,

on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Music.

Love you guys.

It is a fake band, indeed. Listen to it there.