KT #736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

🎵 ♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

Hey, this is Ramblin' Company live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony X-Clans!

♪♪

Who's ready for the best fucking band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. Fernando, Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar back here. Sunglassed up like a real rock star.

And John D's sunglasses, cause he naps during the show. Secretly napping during the show. And there's D Madness, also sunglasses, ladies and gentlemen. He stays awake the entire time,

just in case, just in case that vision comes back for a sweet, sweet second. He doesn't wanna miss it, he does not sleep. He stays awake, eyes open. How do we feel, everybody? We in a good mood tonight? Very, very exciting stuff happening.

This is Kill Tony, the number one comedy live pod something in the world. We're almost everything. We're number one in a lot of different categories. Now brought to you by Nicked and Prize Picks tonight. How exciting. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Oh, there's a fly.

Get that fucking fly out of here. It's the CNN fly. They have little drones. They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking... I'm going to kill this thing before we do this. I'm going to kill this fucking thing.

Come on. Where is it? Come on.

Here we go. Okay. Here we go. Son of a bitch. I think it's gone. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh?

Here we go.

Every single week, I purposefully book two, sometimes one, sometimes three, but I have fun matching up the chemistries. I envision how would these two work together every single week. I put a lot of thought into this.

This one is a special one. Two of the guest of the year front runners right now for 2025, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the greats, James McCann and Dave Landau. Oh yeah. James Donald Forbes McCann is back and his new special, Black Israelite, is on YouTube.

Dave Landau's new book, Party of One, out now on Amazon. Welcome back, gentlemen. James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025.

What a joy it is to be here once again! At this beautiful club with these beautiful people. Dave, hello, hey!

Hello. Wow!

James is the man. We love you. Black Israelite, out now on YouTube, his new comedy special. Thank you. Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment, it's out and it's called that. I love it. I love it.

James is one of those monsters coming up. I love it. You're truly one of the funniest people around. You guys will see when you watch his new special. Dave Landa, welcome back, buddy. How are you? Make some noise for Dave.

I'm doing good, man.

Hey, how are you?

Fresh off a big weekend. Book's out. We're gonna have fun. Brought to you by Nickton Prize Picks. Now, you guys have both done this show before, so you know, but maybe, just maybe,

someone brought their significant other that while they're watching the show every week, maybe they're out doing the dishes perhaps, or vacuuming the floors, or folding the laundry, and you don't know what your loved one is listening to. Well, let me tell you, while you're out there working on your secret OnlyFans page. The show's about comedy.

Ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds. If I pull them out of this bucket, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, they could be the next big stand-up comedy superstar. You know their time is up

when you hear the sound of a bear. It is the West Hollywood bear.

It interrupts them.

It comes after the cat. We've been doing this 12 and a half years. Uh, so I've painted out... Jesus Christ, I'm fucking tripping today. This coffee's banging. Six shots. All right, while we wrangle that first bucket pool,

we have a golden ticket winner that's gonna do a minute for you, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, he is one of the top young rising comedians in the world

make some noise for Colin Sledge everyone I need a pair of legal, a pair of legal titties to suck on. Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months, and I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy. It's like, something's wrong. What's wrong?

Well, if you cared, you would already know. Um, my girlfriend thinks the Godfather is too long, but her story about when her coworker was bitchy to her two years ago is the perfect length.

Okay, thank you.

Colin Sledge, very funny.

You've done it again.

One of the very few non-handicapped Golden Globes Thank you. Colin Sledge. Very funny.

You've done it again. One of the very few non-handicapped golden ticket winners that come in and really fucking set it off every time. How do you feel, Colin?

I feel pretty good.

How's life been going for you here in Austin, Texas?

It's good in Austin. I haven't quite moved here yet.

Oh, you're still up in Houston?

Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow.

Who's we?

Me and my girlfriend.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right, what does she do again?

She takes care of me. Yeah, she does comedy.

Oh, okay. Did she start after you?

She started sort of like four or five years ago. When did you start? Well I started I did two years in college and then I took eight years off so she started before and after me. James McCann. Well do you find this is difficult on

the relationship that she was the big star and you know now you're here doing this and you worried that in a Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper situation you'll return home one day and because that can be tricky on a relationship

Yeah, somewhat I'm not sure I understand the question

Is she threatened by your enormous success there might be some degree of resentment

Does it ever come up? Uh, yes. Can you tell us what that's like?

She accused me of using the

chutes and ladders.

What does that mean?

It means I took the ladder up or something.

Can you explain that better?

So, you know, the game chutes and ladders.

Do you use this as an analogy a lot?

It's her analogy.

Oh, she said this?

Yeah.

Wow, no wonder she's not as famous as you.

Okay.

Chutes and Ladders from your childhood, Milton Bradley, 80s board game.

Please don't get me in trouble.

Oh, shit, mic four's not on. Son of a bitch.

Try it again.

So you really are a pedophile? Oh shit, mic four is not on. Son of a bitch. Try it again.

So you really are a pedophile?

No, take his mic away. Okay.

Son of a bitch. Biggest comedy show in the world. We just have mics that don't work up here.

Unbelievable.

We went to New York. You met her. My girlfriend.

What?

You met my girlfriend in New York.

Okay. Thanks. Thanks for having us.

That was fun.

Okay. I don't know if I really had you. What do you, what do you mean?

Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast.

No.

Okay, good.

Just because he said you were a pedophile and I wondered what that was in reference to, yeah.

Yeah, Finnegan.

There are some pedophily things. Uh, why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now?

The, my, my, my shirt touching my neck bothers me. So I wear sunglasses to pull it down.

God, you're creepy as fuck. Very funny, but annoyingly creepy. The feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt?

Yeah, well, I don't really feel a sun because it's just right here that bothers me.

This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

What do you want to talk about? Segway into something that you want to talk about.

Uh, New York is fine. Uh, I went to, I went to Brooklyn.

Fucking hive of flies around here, guys. Is something happening? Is someone pranking the show? Did someone bring fucking frozen flies? And then thawed them out? Like ants?

You ever make an ant farm before? You just throw them in the fridge. Those motherfuckers chill out.

Oh, I went to the Kill Tony Band Show in New York.

Okay. That was actually was I was high off

An edible it was so fucking good. Hell. Yeah, everybody had a blast. I heard all about it Blue note packed up. See you pander gets it gets a back on you No, there is this Swedish lady and she was like playing these old bagpipes and I was had taken edible So I was like freaking out. It was really fun. Great. When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you?

I don't understand jazz music. And I usually don't enjoy it either. But it was a really good show.

Okay, I thought that was a big setup coming there for you.

I went to museums.

I went to where Luigi shot that guy.

Ah. Nothing, man. I've been checking Luigi shot that guy. Ah!

Nothing.

She's been there.

She's seen all the day.

All right.

I took a train to a train museum. All right.

That's enough, Colin.

I promise.

That's just where it's getting good. Heckler's the train museum. I went to a train museum in Sacramento last month. It was sick.

Some people are good at the set, good at the interview. Some people are bad at the set, great at the interview. You are one of those great at the set. And then just, it's like talking to a giant five-year-old. I took a train to the train museum. It was nice. Thanks for having us.

I went to the sex museum. Why don't you say something funny about it?

Um, it made me never want to have sex again. Why?

Because it was gross.

It was weird.

I did a 4D thing where the chairs are rocking and it sprayed water in my face. It was really upsetting.

Was it like a squirt? Like what was the reason for the water?

It was like, I don't really understand. It was like, you go into like, I think you go into a pussy and it sprays water in your face.

There it is, that's how it goes.

Should I have opened with that?

No, no, you're doing fine, Colin. It's all good, buddy. Okay. It's my birthday. Bye, okay. Wow, all right. One more ultra lame thing to say.

Okay.

Super crazy. All right, there he goes. Colin Sledge, everyone.

All right, thank you, bye bye. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Lord. -♪♪

These slow-moving flies, these flies are out of control, guys. We need to make sure this doesn't happen again. I'm sure there's ways around it. We have 12 fucking production assistants, all of them just watching flies all day, I'm sure.

Just like, ah, that'll be fun. Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show. Joe Rogan's fly museum.

All right.

I mean what can I say ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the wildest bucket pulls that just happened a couple weeks ago. She's back, she is back. Make some noise for Juanita everybody

Kill Tony, um, do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise That sucks I don't. Just a perfectly normal 37 year old overweight transgender comedy prodigy. Killing the game. I am.

Now a friend of the show and my 400 pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she confided in me one day, she said, I'm talking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action.

She goes, people keep telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass on oncoming traffic. I told her, girl, don't you dare say that, and don't you dare do that. You're just gonna fuck up somebody's car.

400 pounds.

I'm a good friend, though. I gave her advice. I said, you should walk in front of a train. It's more efficient.

Okay, Juanita. -$20,000. $20,000. $20,000. $20,000.

Hell yeah. How do you feel about that, Juanita?

I feel great.

Hell yeah.

You, uh. Cheers, everyone.

You.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show.

Oh!

And then talked about how they were suicidal. It's kind of crazy today. You notice that you did that at all?

No, I did. It was, we've talked about talking about it on the show.

So you kind of like plugged her just then. It's like a shabo. She wanted to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry. Do you think about these things? Have you become a woman that much to where you've become that selfish?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The latter. No, no, but we did talk about it. That was actually a conversation that we had.

So it was planned?

No, it happened a long time ago,

but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit. Alright, I like how your voice gets deeper the deeper the deeper into sentences you go no we talked about it but it's really what we wanted to do here. There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit we all see it. It's about seven seconds into a sentence she just starts talking. Yeah no I mean like it was really cool because like that's what we're into, you know what I mean?

Come on now, say my name three times, let's go!

Alright.

Juanita, remind us, how do you make money?

Oh, I work as a waitress at a restaurant right now.

A waitress? Where you at, Tucky's?

Alright.

Doesn't even make sense, that's a gas station. Instead of Bucky's,-ee's, anybody? Fress-es.

Tuck-ee cheese.

Tuck-ee cheese, even?

Red band?

Tuck-ee cheese?

Tuck-ee dick cheese.

No, we're gonna get a restaurant called Fress-es.

Fress-es, oh yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Juanita, what do you do for fun? What do we not know about you? You've been on this show a couple times. You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket.

It's been crazy. I actually was like thinking about like, I didn't ever mention, my family doesn't know that I'm trans, just my two sisters.

Really?

Yeah.

Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans?

Oh, probably my mom.

Right. I love it when you get serious. Probably my mom.

Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that?

You're good with this, right? No, no.

You have a great sense of humor, Juanita. I love that.

Can your family see you?

That's a good question.

No, I like, I have to like,

like dress down, like wear a hat or something, wear like a button down.

Like a dude. Yes.

Do you have to like, yeah, go ahead Dave.

I'm almost to the point where, but honestly like you're, you're, you're male to female?

Yes.

No, I, no I don't.

Quarter, quarter T-Rex maybe?

No.

Uh, why Juanita?

Oh, that's just a stage name.

Like, her real name is like Juana.

Oh, that's your...

Okay, so what nationality are you? Pardon? What nationality?

Oh, I'm Mexican. Oh, okay.

Okay, I just was curious.

Okay.

There's a lot going on south of her border.

I see what you I seriously, yeah. Is it legal? No, I'm kidding.

I'm sure it's not.

Not for long in Texas.

It's amazing that your family doesn't know. How often do you see your mom?

Maybe like once a year, like Christmas.

And what do you do? You just wan up for that? Yeah. Just go for that? Yeah. Just go straight wan?

Yeah, literally.

Put on a baseball cap, fuckin'

Would your mom want you out of the family?

She might, I don't know.

James?

But just as a... I assume you started to trans later. But you're Mexican, so you didn't have a quinceanera?

No, I didn't.

So you're a girl.

Oh yeah, you're right.

I still have a little bit to a woman. You're not a woman yet.

Explain to the 96% of people listening that don't know what you're...

When a Mexican girl turns 15, the community decides that she's now sexually available and they put her in a very low-cut busty gown And they go to a park and they clog it up for like hours I

didn't know about this before I came to this country, but

Did the last comic tell you about that?

No, I like that you mentioned trains as well, though.

That's great.

Yeah.

Will you have a quinceañera?

I mean, if you help me throw it, James.

No.

I'd be fine.

But I was interested.

I mean, like, would you show up? Would you make an appearance?

Would you make an appearance, James?

Will you make an appearance?

I'm very...

Where is she?

Tell us, James, will you go to the park? Do you want to go to the park?

You have fallen into the woman, but I was born.

Go to the park and you will find under second base on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next. You don't go to... If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to buttfuck you, James. Sincerely, Juanita. He's right.

Wow, Juanita. You ever get bullied in, like, real life or anything? Like, out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you? What goes on?

One of them called me a f***head, yeah. I was, like, walking by, and he was like, -"Hey, f***head. Yeah. Um, I was like walking by, he was like, I apologize for that.

Yeah.

I know. I was like, oh man, can I say the n-word?

It was a black man. Oh, yeah.

He called me a f*** it.

Let me tell you just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time, I find out you still can't.

You can if he's sucking your dick.

Juanita, how's the sex life been lately? Whiskey hole or has it been all moistened up?

No, um, I'm like, I live with like a, like this like comic.

He's like a 6'2, jujitsu guy.

All right, don't say his name or his fucking address

or anything Juanita.

No, but like, it used to be that I'd like go and hang out at the bar by myself. And then somebody would always like approach me, but now I'm always with him. So I'm going through a dry spell. Everyone, I think, like, they assume I'm like... You're going through a dry spell.

Huh?

Say, baby, I'm gonna be going through a dry spell.

Do you realize you do that, though? Like, you literally, like, have, like, a meltdown

after a sentence.

It's when you say words that aren't feminine, where you're like, it's very dry.

I feel like that's very feminine. It's kind of, no, hard. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times. You did it again. Another minute. There you go. Another interview. Another Juanita.

There they go.

Oh my god.

Thank god almighty. No cock and balls there, boys.

No cock and balls.

No cock and balls. No cock and balls there, boys. Oh, we have a bug zapper. And we handed it to the least likely person to effectively handle that without knocking over anything or hitting anyone. So perfect. How exciting. Howdy doody! This episode is brought to you by PrizePix.

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It's good to be right. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Pat O'Neill, everyone.

Pat O'Neill.

Pat O'Neill.

Pat O'Neill.

Pat O'Neill. Folks, been vaping but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing.

No reaction.

The generation's soft.

It's a big reason why. Other day my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American.

I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods.

-$10. $10. $10. $10.

$10. $10. Dad's name Bear Forest. Gonna watch what you say now though. Like we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore my little brother. To be on the right side of history. And you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either. No. They prefer the term Mexican women. Oh yes midgets, the original pocket pussies. Or as pedophiles call them, close enough. You know what I mean?

Not saying too much.

That O'Neal, you did it buddy. Fuck. Yeah full minute 15

laughs throughout I

Didn't hear the cat. I'm sorry. You're good. You're good. So nervous Tony. I bet I was retarded right now I bet there's a lot going on in that head You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times

Unbelievable You look like you could charge phones just by touching them electrocuted at all times. It's unbelievable.

You look like you could charge phones just by touching them.

Alright, well, I think we can still be friends after that. Hell yeah. I don't know what the fuck that means, but you're doing great, Pat. You're a funny guy. You were, uh, I remember you from the Netflix taping here a while back. How's life changed since being on?

I'm an open miker.

Oh, perfect. For stills.

Perfect, great.

Bad at networking.

Bad.

And by that I mean.

No. No. No.

Bad at networking. What do you mean by that?

Tell us more.

That I'm unlikable.

Okay.

All right. That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Look at me.

Fair enough.

I would say you're much more likable than me. I would say. I mean, look at you.

I like ya.

Thanks, buddy. You know what, let's get the fuck out of here, dude.

Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work? I work for like a mortgage company. I thought you said morgue at first. And I would have believed that. You have morgue energies.

James McCann.

I've been thinking about the energy.

I think you have the energy of like documentary footage of a comic from the 80s.

Yeah, he looks like a headshot.

But like who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons. But you look like you're from the past. You have a 1980s young man face. Am I wrong? Am I just, am I going insane?

No, you're right. You're spot on.

No, like Dennis Wolfberg, like he died in the 80s.

It's, you're of another time. I love these references guys, but let's keep it on Pat here.

You know Dennis Wolfberg? No?

Yeah, nobody would, I'm 40.

That's perfect. Okay, Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's talk about it, buddy. What do you do with the rest of your life

looking what you look like? I don't know. I like steak. I like candy. Okay. I like girls. I like movies.

You go on dates a lot?

Yeah, I'm straight.

Okay.

When you go on dates, how do you find people? Gay people go on dates too, by the way.

I don't know if you know that.

They do.

They just fuck.

All right. Okay. Straight to that. You're very excited tonight Pat look at you Mom killed Tony you're damn right

That's the best response I've ever heard

Students an alien that studied us and just came here. I like what everybody likes. You've watched a lot of old test footage

from the earlier part of the 20th century and you're going, they're like girls, they're like candy, they're like big smiles and good times. Gay guys, just fuck. All right, I can say that. I like, you gotta, I like, I like everything I'm seeing.

Thank you, James.

Where are you from?

Massachusetts, I live here now.

Okay.

Okay.

There's one retarded lady from Massachusetts in the back. So Pat, when you go on these dates, where do you find these victims, people? Like is it a dating app that you're on or something?

Well, I'm single now, fingers crossed. We're still early on. I was talking to that girl backstage.

Heidi?

Heidi or Juanita?

You could be next. You could be next.

Fuck!

So like the last date that you went on, tell us what that was like. What did you do? What happened?

Quinceanera. I don't know, I've never understood quinceaneras

because it's like the day they become a woman

but they're already pregnant.

Oh shit, Pat O'Neil's got it. Pat O'Neil's got a quinceanera joke. There it is. So Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question on nine times successfully, we're back at it.

Last date you were on.

Alright, I mean, honest answer, I just broke up with my lady friend who's also a very delightful comic and-

Perfect. Why did you break up with her?

I live here.

Oh, she lives somewhere else. Massachusetts still? Yes. Oh my goodness.

How did you do it?

Over the phone? Well, I didn't do it. Look at me. She broke up with you? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay.

What did she say to you? Did it come as a surprise to you?

She said, we're not dating. I don't know.

Sort of a blur. Did you just break into her house? No, it's a long distance relationship or else he would have. So, she kind of broke your heart when this happened? Nah, nah. How recently did this happen? Nah, nah. It just starts crying. Nah, nah, see? Nah, nah, never. You can't break a heart which doesn't exist.

I ate candy and steak and filled that part of my soul because that's what I do, because I'm a real human being. Come here, let me charge your phone for you.

Let's talk about it, Pat.

You hear that gentle piano music. You know what that means.

It was three weeks ago.

Okay, Pat. All right. You're such a funny looking guy, Pat. It's incredible. Everything about you is so comedic.

It was three, oh, spotlight's gone.

I don't know.

You ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place?

No, no. I was lucky to keep it after Netflix.

So they're good people and they will...

Wait, when you go on dates or you work, do you like comb your hair different or anything like that or?

I don't know.

That's actually a great question, right?

I put the vergan on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon. So it's worse than normal.

The question was when you go on a date. I don't know what it looks like right now,

but yes, I tried it.

It's pretty wild right now. I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong,

but it looks like.

Well.

It looks like your forehead has a thong on right now.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know.

It's red. on right now. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Red band.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Wow.

It is incredible.

Do people just like laugh at you sometimes when they see you?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I'm having my looks insulted by red band right now.

So, we're, um. If that isn't all you need to know about the shit I get.

Wow, you're a funny guy, Pat. Red band? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You already have a big joke book, right?

There he goes, Pat O'Neill, everybody.

Hell yeah.

Wacky looking guy. All right, we're gonna keep this fun train moving along. Your third bucket poll goes by the name of Olivia Coughlin, everybody.

Olivia Coughlin.

Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor. And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America.

The Biden administration was kind of like America's Next Top Model, but for female presidents, with different random women all taking turns trying out his power. It was a shit show and Jill won. So speaking of America, I came home the other day and I found my cleaner eating my salad.

She was in the kitchen, hunched over, eating out of the takeout box and I walked in and then she like freaked out when she saw me and like ran to put it away and was like,

ow, media!

And...

And... And...

And... And... And... And, um, I forgot my bit.

I forgot the rest of it. Sorry. She was like, ah, no.

Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first, because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating. I thought she was just eating her own food, so.

Okay, that's all.

Wow. Olivia Coughlin. Welcome, welcome. Is that your first time trying stand up?

Yep, first time.

Holy shit. Yeah, I can tell. Congratulations. It's amazing. What made you pick this show to start on? I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody what's up,

right from the get, before learning, you know, mic technique, or being able to remember an entire 60 seconds, or calling your housekeeper or maid a cleaner. Somehow that's the most racist thing I think anybody's ever done in the history of the show.

You just call them a cleaner?

I thought people would know more if I said cleaner rather than house cleaner. I don't know why, because people call me cleaners. House cleaner?

I didn't even say that. A housekeeper.

The keeper of a house.

Well, I call her my cleaner.

Oh, my God.

What ethnicity are you?

I'm white. Yeah, but what kind of white? I'm mostly Irish. I know I don't look like it, but yeah.

Right.

You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. No doubt about it.

Oh, my God.

Like, as just a tip moving forward, it can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner like we would all love to have cleaner money

But I just I heard that and I thought fuck I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me

I say eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone and filth

Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well I I mean you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

It was an awkward moment for sure. She's like our lifetime, like, lifelong cleaner and so I felt...

A lifelong cleaner.

Just call her a slave, dude. Call her a slave.

Call her a slave. Call her a slave.

What ethnicity is she?

Um, I'm not sure.

Oh, yeah, the horn players know what ethnicity she is. How do you have a cleaner? What have you been doing with your life?

This was back when at my parents' house, so this was a while ago.

Are your parents rich?

They're doing okay.

What did your dad do for a living?

My dad's a pilot, my mom's a travel agent.

Okay, all right, that's cute.

And how about you? What do you do for work?

I just got a job at a tennis place.

A tennis place.

Tennis.

So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place?

Tennis place. Tennis thing. I clean. No, I'm just kidding. Um.

Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there. Look at that.

Look at that.

She accidentally was funny there. I like that. It's the big moment right there. What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place?

Stringing rackets and helping people.

You play tennis your whole life or something?

You just got into the tennis business. I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great.

That's fucking crazy.

And it worked out, it worked out, it was okay.

So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis?

Kind of, and then yeah. What did you do before that? I was trying to be a screenwriter, it's difficult. Wow, yeah, it's very difficult. But yeah, I forgot all my words again. Oh my God. So yeah, I guess that didn't work out.

Okay.

Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot?

Um, yeah.

What's like the funniest thing you've ever done in your life? You think that it's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I dink, I belong on a comedy stage.

I don't know, it's more I say funny things when I can remember them, and then I don't really do funny things, yeah.

Did you ever yell at a housekeeper?

No, I was very nice to her. I pretended like nothing, I never saw it,

and I was just like, hey, what's up?

And then we just kept going on and, yeah.

You put fentanyl in her salad?

No, I was gonna say that I, whatever, I forgot my joke, but I'll do it next time. What salad was it?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't even know what the fuck a salad is, shut up.

You don't know what the fuck a salad is.

You just know the dressings.

All right.

Do you have any special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before? Not, not really. Not what?

Not really in front of a crowd, no.

Like nothing ever before?

Nothing like on stage, no.

How about not on stage, what did you do?

Like what do you mean, have I ever done anything?

Or what do you mean?

I don't know, fucking anything.

Anything at all about you, other than the fact

that you do string tennis rackets? Um, I smoke a lot of weed.

Um, I...

There you go. That's a way to get the people on your side.

Yeah. I chill at home with my roommates.

How many roommates do you have?

Two.

Why?

Um, just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself.

Okay.

All alone. No man in your life or anything? No man.

Why is that?

I'm very picky.

Ooh, okay.

I sound like an asshole, but I'm not.

It's great.

I'm very nice.

Let's talk about it. that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like? Um, maybe like, not like manly enough. Can you give us an example of a time that a man was manly enough? Maybe he did something.

Um...

That wasn't manly enough.

No, I can't.

This is from your life. You can think about anything that's happened to you.

Um, now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe, I can't think of anything. Well, tennis is pretty feminine. Anyone that plays tennis is not really my type.

So like... Oh!

James McCann, what are you thinking over here?

I think Rafael Nadal is sufficiently masculine. But, I mean, who of the, there are a lot of men on stage. Where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly man? Do you know what I mean? I mean am I manly enough for you?

Um... My voice...

Wow!

Yes. Is Tony manly enough? I think so. Okay. The bar is pretty low.

That's a good answer.

So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough though. Yeah. But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough though. Yeah. But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them?

I can't think of a specific example, no.

They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now. You shouldn't, no, you wouldn't have said that.

I've seen the cleaner.

Sexually weak?

What?

Like they couldn't fuck good?

I'm sorry.

Well that's, that's obviously it. That sounded so sharp. That is a turn off for sure.

What's a turn off?

Sexually weak.

Coming too quickly?

Has that ever happened with you? Yeah. Okay, so can you give an example of that? Where a man was too sexually weak? This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life.

We have talked about that of all things. eating good. Here you go Olivia, here's a little joke book. You did it, you had your first time on the show. She started here, as you could tell. That Jill Biden material. Struggling for 45 seconds. Ended it with a cleaner, something about a salad we'll never really know. Wow. Imagine that. The roommates are gonna have to watch that set. All right, you guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll everybody, it's Mario Z.

So I'm 45 years old and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby. And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like, I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watched all of his shows, Kids Say the Darnest Things, Fat Albert, The Cosby Show,

and all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person, ironically, from Bill Cosby, you know? But like, he was my hero, right? So when the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's America's dad.

And the evidence came out, and I was like, fucking Bill. You know? But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit like, well, it happened so long ago, what does it even matter? And fuck those people, all right? Bill Cosby's gonna be remembered

for all the bad shit that he did because he wasn't on the Lakers.

-♪ Kobe!

Ha ha ha! I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what? I'm like, what?

I'm like, what?

I'm like, what?

I'm like, what?

I'm like, what? All right, Mario Z. You've been on this show before Mario? I have. Right, good to see you again. Remind us, how long you been on stand-up? What do you do for work? Stand-up 12 years. For work, I'm big porn. Okay, what kind of porn do you make?

Giantess porn with my wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on in December.

You have a big one.

Giantess porn, like 50-foot woman shit. You guys don't like big titties?

It's hot.

Okay, what is it again?

Giantess porn, so like 50-foot woman stuff.

Is she really big?

My wife is taller than me. Okay. I did it!

But what makes it a giantess porn oh so in that okay again to get everyone else in the world got it okay I've been so bad pig ass I love John just for pull me out and who this guy's a fucking Tarantino fucking China you don't even know this fucking guy after pride so many questions for him, dude.

Yeah, I'll tell you.

Excited red panther. I think my childlike wonder over here.

I think my ex actually, he made a movie with my ex.

Okay, all right, Juanito. Let's fucking shout out more people. Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, yeah, so I do video editing. And so pandemic happened, we moved to Philly, and I got a job, and we were fucking broke, I lost the job, because it was a shitty job, and we were trying to figure out shit to do, and we threw out a video, and somebody's like,

hey, can you make me this custom? And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do, and they're like, done. And so- that you wouldn't do? This, uh, nudity, no nudity, uh, so, and that's basically it.

Wait. God damn it. I'm the one wondering if I'm, if like, I'm kind of loopy this episode or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded. One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity.

Okay, that's what I was thinking too.

Yeah, yeah, okay, so fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex. Yes, it is. I don't know what your geeks are, man.

I like sex.

Me too.

So the video is just what, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big?

I do video editing, so we do like green screen stuff. We put her like in a city, she stomps around and like breaks shit.

She rubs G.I. Joes on her crotch.

Okay, Red Bam, please, for the love of God.

Is that what it is?

Let the guy fuck it.

No, no, no, no.

I don't understand.

She spins Hot Wheels cars on a fat woman?

I feel like you know more than I do.

So it's basically green screen make-believe giant girl. What's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn? Uh, she wears a bikini. But you call it porn?

So, okay, so a lot of it is like... Who buys it?

Can you say his name? Creepy Short Guys?

A lot of people buy it, actually. Well, maybe. I don't know. But it's more about like the, uh... Like the domination of it. Like the action. So it's like, not necessarily the sexuality of the woman,

but like her presence in a scene.

It's fetish porn!

Yeah.

I don't think I've ever.

Don't you miss the good old days when Flayboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples? Wasn't that, wasn't America whole back then? Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff.

Remember a vagina with hair on it?

No. You're very old.

And this is how both of you make your money is by doing this?

We don't do that anymore. She's a behavioral therapist and... I don't know.

So how do you make money?

We make passive income on the porn. So like stuff that we made like five years ago is still selling.

You're getting fucking residuals on your giantess porn?

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

But she's tall, not like... What's that?

Clips for sale?

Clips for sale, we have our own personal site. We also do, like, other stuff, like OnlyFans and stuff like that. We do, like, picture sets and shit like that.

Jesus Christ, man. All right, anything else?

Times are tougher in COVID.

You know it's over, right?

Well, that's why we stopped doing it, but we're still making the money on it. Okay. Can anyone do this? I mean, sure, yeah. Anybody can do anything, right? Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever.

It really is.

That's what I'm saying. That's why, like, we were able to do it. If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, fuck you, you know? So... Technically, I think we're doing porn right now is what I'm finding out. Somebody's gonna jack off to this, I promise you. Yeah, yeah.

100%.

We're doing some giantist shit.

Yeah.

No doubt about it. The giantist comedy show in the world. Alright, you already have a little joke book?

No, I have a big one.

There you go, you're getting a little one this time. Alright, thanks. No, I have a big one. There you go. You're getting a little one this time. There was a lot of clunk around that. But the Lakers part was funny. Long setup. Ineffective tags. Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody.

We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim.

♪♪

Hey, what's up?

Whoo!

It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month, because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker.

I have a Ted Cruz weather app. Whenever he's in Cancun, you know to lay her up. Yeah, I have a Jewish girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing. Yeah, my girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're gonna have Asian Jewish babies.

It's just gonna be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a different time. When I was a kid kid trans fats were bad.

Thank you guys. Wow.

We're Tony's own Hans Kim, absolutely crushing. Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute, honest, pure, from your perspective, all stuff true to you. And there he is. This is the man who's notoriously

the greatest interviewee in the history of the show. He cannot tell a lie. He constantly oversh shares. And the interview begins now. Welcome back, Hans. Thank you, Tony. How do you feel? I feel great. I'm ready to tell you about my sex life.

Go right ahead if that's what you want to do. I mean, I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead. Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it. Have you ever seen giantess porn before? You have. You're the kind of guy that wouldn't be into that.

Yeah, I was kind of intrigued.

So you've seen it before. What happened in the giantess porn that you've seen? Can you describe it for us?

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Uh, well, it's Amazon Amanda, some of you might know her.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. You know Amazon Amanda? Really? Let me see, you can look her up.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Amazon Amanda. Yeah, she just dangles a woman and tickles her feet.

Which part are you into?

Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing.

You love tickling, huh?

Yeah. Tickling, not tick, I don't like to be tickled. You don't? No, I hate it.

How bad do you hate it?

It's like a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare.

Well, you never should have let me know that.

Yeah, I mean, James, you in the mood to tickle him a little bit? How many of you think we should let James tickle Hans? Is that her? Oh my God, Amazon Amanda is huge. No, here's what you do.

You get behind him, Hans, you face the crowd. He's looking at it. You can't see it happening. It's different when you see it.

Do the ghost tickle.

Don't turn around, Hans. You're not allowed to turn around.

I could tickle him.

Oh, that's poking.

He's doing some kind of wacky Australian-Irish poking. I'll get you when here's how we tickle in the other hemisphere. Ew, he just poked. That's not a good time.

Why can't I tickle?

You gotta go in there.

You gotta hit those ripplets, dude.

No one can eat. No one can...

The armpits don't really work.

This is fun.

Now I get why it's porn.

Yeah.

You can find that clip on Clips for Sale. Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way.

Yeah, it's like a power thing.

It's crazy.

Wow.

And you're into that.

Yeah.

That's gross.

Stop the Dave Landers.

Oh, God.

What? Yeah. No. Did you get your watch back?

No.

No, he didn't get the watch back.

Oh, that sucks.

I feel bad about that.

It's okay. It's not your fault.

Was she bigger?

Uh, no, she was petite.

Here, give me that.

I want it.

Is that the swatter?

That's the electric swatter.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm it. Is that the swatter? That's the electric swatter.

You see this, Hans?

Yes, Tony.

This is a new feature on the show. You know what we do with this? Uh, is it? It's the super tickler. I'll touch you with this. You're gonna feel a... Alright. Hans, what else is going on in your life? You lately you get pulled over by the police I did you did in

Mississippi a black police officer pulled me over so I don't know where that lies in MLK's dream

but no she she obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin but for the quality of your drive.

Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over? I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that.

And, you know, it was just like a speed trap and...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Tell that bitch I need my racket re-strung.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell that bitch I need my racket re-strung. 78 and a 70.

It might have been 84.

But yeah, he was just quick, you know, it's like, that's, it's like very efficient. He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way. Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like.

Well, here he is. We have the official state trooper of Mississippi. Famously, one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi. I swear to God, when I find you, you're gonna be in real trouble, motherfucker!

I felt that breeze. That's at least 283 miles an hour. Hansi Boy Kim, having fun in Mississippi. Shows have been good, everything's good?

Yeah, I went to San Antonio with Timmy No Brakes.

Ooh, the newest superstar. Another non-handicapped golden ticket winner.

San Antonio was made for Timmy No Brakes.

Tell us what you mean when you say that.

It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy. It's kind of aggressive But no, it's great. He murdered it was amazing. I was in other cities, you know, I had to go through, Mississippi So, you know, it's kind of you know ups and downs but yeah I I got a lot of guys coming up to me telling me about

Guns and like guys that can kill me now, like just tell me that they can do that. You know, it's not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun. So I'm kind of at a disadvantage here. But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling.

I have my guns.

Was it mainly white people in Mississippi

showing you their guns? Yeah. I don't think black people are into like the you know the round millimeter shit, they're just like

How about nerdy stuff Hans how's your nerd life been going what you've been doing in that department any new hobbies in your I

Got back into StarCraft II. I'm a Diamond League 2v2 player.

Wow.

Incredible. Are you good at Rubik's Cube?

I'm very bad.

I can do the first two rows, but not the bottom row.

All right, perfect.

Guess we won't be using that tonight. All right, Hans, fun times. Thank you so much. The legend, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Cain Brown. We're going to meet him all together now. Isaac Cain Brown. Woo!

Uh, my girlfriend's a type 1 diabetic

and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time.

I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service.

For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you? For absolutely no reason. Fuck the troops, dude. Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this, Hennessy is made from grapes.

That's fucked up. That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it. Auto-correct can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared of ninjas. Which looking back doesn't make sense.

Why would ninjas have pitbulls?

Damn it, just a little too long. Here, say it again. Why doesn't it make sense? Why would ninjas have pitbulls? Damn it, just a little too long. Here, say it again. Why doesn't it make sense? Why would ninjas have pitbulls?

Wow.

There you go.

There it is.

Isaac Cain Brown.

Is this your first time on the show?

Nah.

Okay.

Third.

Third time.

Okay.

Alright. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years now. Okay Third time Okay, all right

How long have you been doing stand-up three years now? What do you do for work? Nothing? How do you how are you able to survive without working VA disability? Really? You're a veteran. Yeah, what branch Marine Corps? Okay. What did you do in the Marine Corps?

I was an infantryman. Nothing too much.

You ever battle?

You ever go to battle?

The only thing I battled was gay thoughts.

Wow. In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor. But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life.

I make it work.

Can you give us an example of how you use your budget to your advantage?

Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, and then I sell Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

Ah, there it is. The truth is out. I remember you now. Red band going, You don't know Yu-Gi-Oh?

You don't fucking know Yu-Gi-Oh?

Yeah, what the fuck?

Yu-Gi-Oh and Giant is porn. It's a whole evening.

What?

What's your love life like, Isaac? You seem like a good looking guy. You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that.

Yeah.

It's going good.

I have a girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah. She do comedy too?

No, she's a dog groomer.

Ooh, a dog groomer. All right.

I love it when she calls me a good boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's that? Everybody's in some wild shit. Amazing.

Fun.

What do you guys think about Isaac Cain Brown? I'm asking the panel, not you guys.

Anything there, James?

Do you ever nibbity-bobbity dibbity bob?

Well you you attacked the the armed forces, but you were obviously on your set you were being negative about military servicemen No, you said that's something nasty about the army Is that true? You said fuck the troops. Yeah, but you were the troops. Yeah, did you not get along with the troops?

No, they suck What do you mean when you say that that they suck well most people in the military are 18 to 22 The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school

Is that why you joined? Yeah. How old are you now, Isaac Cain Brown?

I'm 28.

28. And did you suffer a specific injury?

I got ejected out of a vehicle.

You what?

Vehicle hit a trench and I flew the fuck out the top of it.

If there was any country you could wipe off the earth,

which one would it be?

Great question.

Just one.

Yeah, you've got to.

Israel.

Oh, all right. OK. And we're back, everybody. Take a little commercial break there.

With that hair and nose, you're going to pick Israel?

Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing.

One of the flies flew into the hard drive there, so if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky. Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop. It's all fixing out, and we're back. Oh, there he is. When you hear the sound of a jungle bird, you know.

No way that's going on Netflix.

That's true.

Maybe on Al Jazeera, but not Netflix. All right, Isaac Cain Brown. You're not Jewish yourself?

No.

No?

You just look like that?

Yeah.

All right. I love it.

What do you think about CEOs of health care companies?

You do have a look.

Yeah.

And we got to teach them a lesson.

All right, Isaac, you already have a big joke book? There he goes. Isaac Cain Brown, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. HeidiRegina.com is her new website. What a smoke show. I'll tell you, if I was into women, huh. All right, this looks like a new name everybody.

Make some noise for Augie Lee. Augie Lee.

Here we go.

Hey, so I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I got home from work and walked into our house because we live together. And I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up and I said, What's the big idea?

No, I mean really, what's the big idea?

I mean, what the fuck?

No, no, no, no, no!

What the fuck? Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Anyway, speaking of black guys. I'm not right. I mean, what the fuck? No, my cousin's dating a black guy and she's having a baby soon.

And, yeah, okay, that's it.

No, no, no.

No, you go, you go.

And I'm like, what's that baby gonna You go, you go. You go. You go. You go. You go. You go.

You go.

You go.

You go. You go. I

Need some studio time

Do you have more jokes?

That's good, that's good Augie Lee I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through, you just turn into like, it seems like you have a little thing there. Yeah. You're like a really, really, really lazy Casey Rocket.

I like it.

Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material. Thank you. You have a little bit of your own style. How long you been doing standup? Uh, about like seven months. Okay, all of it here in Austin?

Yeah, well, started in Seattle. I'm from Seattle.

And you just moved here? Yeah. Nice, congratulations.

Thank you.

All right, how do you, yeah, James?

I just wondered what else you've been doing since LMFAO broke up.

Yeah. Yeah.

I like the hair.

The hair is cool.

No, no, thanks.

Yeah, no, I know. I'm like chimichanga libre. I don't know.

Libre, not really.

Never mind. Forget about it.

Perfect. Yep. Are you Mexican?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, Hispanic, something like that.

Yeah, perfect.

What do you do for work, Oggy Lee? Uh, I, uh, I work at a thrift store.

Do you?

I do, actually.

Oh, okay.

Does that mean steel carburetors?

No, but I do work with some Mexicans.

You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store? People trying to make deals?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tell us about it. I got, like, tell us about it. I got like guys coming in and like someone will drop something off and the The thing is it's required to bring it inside and we tag it price it whatever and I'll get people be like Slippy a 20, you know, and I'm like, I don't I don't know but you know We get like I got like Seinfeld collections and like like VHS. Yeah, like cool. Yeah yeah just cool like vintage shit I guess. Wow.

Gucci sunglasses.

Wait, they pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store?

No, no.

Other people, I get paid to bring it in.

Okay.

While other people donate.

I'm sorry, I had a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit. Yeah.

But you said they're coming in and they're complaining. They're like, this should be 20.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

But they're not getting any money for it.

They just want the dignity of the product to get a high price. Yeah.

That's weird.

It is weird, it is weird. It's like, come on, we're doing it

like a third of the price anyways or whatever.

Augie, do you do drugs?

I don't know, Tony, does it look like I do drugs? You know what?

Yeah, it does.

A little bit.

What kind of drugs do you do?

I like acid a lot.

Okay.

When's the last time you did acid?

Um, hmm.

What time today?

Actually, I did it like a couple weeks ago, and while I was on acid, like we're just chillin on the couch and we were trying to write something but we saw a rat run across into my bathroom yeah yeah I was like is this real yeah and they yeah the rat like it was the whole thing on rat on acid and my friends are just fucking with me the whole night that was the last time I took acid, by the way.

That was it, I mean, I've...

A few weeks ago.

Yeah, a few weeks ago.

Yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. How about drinking?

You do a lot of drinking?

Like a Jack and Coke guy.

How about today? Bath salts.

Sorry, Adam.

Did you drink today? What if I just fucking eat his face off? I'm like, ah, ah, ah, ah. Get out, Johnny.

You're a wild boy, Augie. Did you drink today, Augie?

Oh, yeah, a little.

I had one drink. My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only. You don't, you know, he's going to fuck with you. And I kind of, yeah, I was like, OK.

And then I'm here. It happened. Yeah. You scared?

How do you feel? A little bit. I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old.

Wow.

How old are you now?

I'm 24.

Amazing. Okay. So, with that said, you've been watching that long. You're in the interview part right now. I know. you want you to do in this part of the show. You've been watching for a long time.

Wow.

This is it.

Like anything can happen.

I know, I know, right?

You good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? You know how to yodel or anything like that?

Yodel-ee, yodel-ee, yodel-ee.

No, I can't. I can't.

So no. I don't know, but I don't always try. I'll try anything once. I like karaoke, I love karaoke. I bet you do. I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything. No.

But no, yeah, no, don't let me do that.

Anything crazy about your family or your life history? Any near-death experiences? You ever save anybody's life? You ever do anything good?

I've never saved anyone's life.

You ever done an act of service?

Oh, boy.

That's a good question.

I don't think I have ever done anything good.

Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done? You ever commit a crime or anything like that?

Um... We...

Have you ever had any brain injuries? Brain injury...

Concussions?

We...

No, I don't know. Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good, Tony.

This is a hard question. I'm trying to think of like...

When you say we, do you mean you?

He likes no it doesn't yes, yeah, no I am a Mice I meant you too, right? No. Yeah

Alright, Augie. You're a silly boy. Thank you But you know what? I'm gonna give you a big joke book Augie Congratulations. Thank you. I liked your set.

I appreciate it.

Got a little tightened up during the interview, but there he goes, Augie Lee.

Thank you.

I like silly shit, like when it goes silly.

Yeah, he's pretty silly. He's a silly guy. Let's keep it moving along. You guys still having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Well, you must be having a blast tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, it's John Bechtel, John Bechtel.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat, so let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas, how's it going? RFK, it's on fucking sight. Without these food dyes, how am I gonna know which M&M I wanna fuck now? Joke's on you.

It's the yellow one. I love that big, dumb slut. Hey, y'all, give it up, mother chip. I know this is a crowd of true blue red 40 blooded Americans am I goddamn right? No these music biopics they're crazy they're making like a Bruce Springsteen one what in 20 years the

clone of Timothee Chalamet is gonna star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for Academy Award where we learn what direction that band was about down we'll get a story about XXXTentacion's older brother XIXIXI11tion this story of get big little Uzi Vert's dad big gatling gun horizontal all his friends are alive how how Rob Thompson's from Matchbox 20, it's just like, yeah, hindsight's Matchbox 2020. I know JoAnchi loves fabrics,

I wouldn't trust a single Jason Videli. Hell yeah, y'all.

John Bechtel, you're a wild boy. Look at you.

Again, this is like the third guy tonight that just looks like a pure fucking comedian. I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life.

I can't even buy macro plastics.

Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just start chewing on it. Just straight plastic bottle eater. Robin flavor is like, that's an upgrade. It is incredible. You are something else. I mean, look at you.

You are a wild boy.

Thank you very much, Sidney.

How's it going?

Good, good, good.

Fantastic. How long have you been a full grown garden gnome?

Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago.

How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky?

You seem dry.

I've never been able to afford that shit. I'm that poor.

Okay, tell us about your budget. Tell us how you, what do you eat?

So luckily I work at a restaurant that gives us free food. I think that that's great. I think that legally that should be the case. Because god damn it, I can't afford anything on these motherfuckers' tits.

My god, incredible. So what's your living situation? You live alone? I've got some roommates. Okay, tell us about the situation. How many

roommates? Two roommates, they're married. Josh and Maria McAuley,

they're absolute saints. Everybody's just shouting people out tonight. This is a ticking time bomb. No, they're absolute saints. Everybody's just shouting people out tonight. This is a ticking time bomb.

No, they're absolute saints. I wouldn't have a living situation if I didn't just...

You had a what?

I wouldn't have a living situation if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people.

Yes, absolutely. So where'd you meet them at?

A open mic at Tiniest Bar in Texas.

Okay.

Thought you were gonna say AA there for a second. But are you sober?

We went over this last time. I'm two years sober, eventually.

Okay. But not yet.

Not yet.

Did the line work better the last time you did it?

Kind of did, actually.

Okay. So John, you're working at a restaurant. You got roommates. You guys share one bathroom

To God that is the biggest upgrade in my quality of life. I've ever had having my own goddamn bathroom Yeah, my old roommate Jake. Oh this dipshit my old roommate Jake Anderson Okay, stop calling people out by their full names John Jon. Would take a bath for four hours. Like this Grendel-ass motherfucker just sitting in there. Like he would just sit there and be like, dude, like you could just like, you know, knock.

And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours,

motherfucker.

Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub?

He kept the curtain closed, so I took a piss in protest once.

Wow, look at you. You look crazy, John. Yeah.

What do you drink exactly?

I fuck on kettle. No, vodka tonic.

Sure, yes. We're totally comparable, John. What's your drink?

Vodka tonic.

How many of those do you drink a day?

I've had two today. Really? Yeah. Only two? Only two. Vodka tonic how many of those do you drink a day? Really yeah only two

You know they do serve they do serve pitchers next door at Shakespeare's. Did you have one of the pitchers? I tried to and then y'all called me. Okay. You know what we're gonna do. Let's do a breathalyzer test on this guy We have a new breathalyzer that we've never tried out before. This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony.

This is gonna be great.

We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi, everyone. You know how to do this thing, Heidi? Okay, it's on.

I'm a professional taking breathalyzer tests.

All right. I fucking blow you creep.

The thing reads disgusting. It just says halitosis.

What does it say Heidi? Point zero. Yeah, you gotta blow you. Jesus Christ Almighty All right, there you go, I think that's just genuinely crazy slightly over the legal limit right or no It's under no, it's way under. Yeah way under you look trashed. I

Look like trashed. What's your love life like, John? Is there any one that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes.

Oh God, well mine's about like not having a fetish. So I had an old fuck buddy of mine. She told me not to tell the story.

Great, please do not say her full name.

What's her full name?

So her name is Michelle Obama. No, uh, no, uh, so, so she just recently became a jug-a-let. And we're hooking up and she's like, John, I think this is gonna be a deal breaker. And it's like, we've been fucking for like eight years.

So what's gonna be a deal breaker?

Well, her playlist, she's just become a jug-a-let.

There's nothing else?

It's all brand new like music to her so there's like four songs. Did you go to the gathering? Not yet didn't get invited. All right. She started stalking the fridge of Faygo you know. So why would it not work out if she's into different music? Well she she wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to.

Right.

There's about four songs in the playlist.

What does she have?

Is that on repeat during sex?

But she's got that insane clown pussy now.

Hey!

So you're out for as cheap and wrong. You should fix your situation. This long-term fuck buddy thing is a real mistake.

Oh yeah, no, no, I'm out of the situation. The insane clown posse is now in the situation. Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test.

Ha ha.

John, before you go, tell us the craziest thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now.

I fell into the sewer last year. I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that.

Okay, please tell us exactly what happened. I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look. It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there. The old pot calling the kettle black. Old nuclear fucking wiener dog over here.

So this is a story of how I went home. I'm walking down the street. I'm going down South First and Barton Springs by that Whataburger. What a lovely day. I turn to the left.

I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer.

Oh.

The fucking guy walking, like working on it, didn't put a sign. He's just like smoking a joint on the side of being like, oh sure what's going on over here? And I'm like help me

Please oh my god, definitely see for that

I've got like 90 stories like that. You're gonna die. What not probably yeah, no, seriously you have everything

Yeah, you might be the strongest person alive, immune-wise, though.

That's what I'm saying.

You're like the toxic Avenger without the, you know,

hero part and strength.

Yeah, and also unemployable, too.

Right.

You've got 90 stories similar to falling down an open sewer?

Can you tell us one more?

Do you have one more that you could think of? When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip.

Oh my god.

You don't, you can't believe how hard it was to convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore.

Where were you visiting?

Fucking SeaWorld, so the teachers didn't have to work.

Oh my god. How hard did it attack you?

I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds.

You were friends with the pelicans before? I thought they were pretty neat.

You know, I liked the... who's the one? Like the fucking... it's the tuna guy? Like, um... The fish restaurant. I don't know.

Yeah.

Sunkist?

Charlie. Charlie.

No, that's a tuna. No, no.

Mr. Tuna.

Yeah, Mr. Tuna.

Mr. Tuna.

Classic character.

Sorry, but they're at like 90 of these stories?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

You could be here all night. I'd like to hear one more. Can we get one more? Story number 88.

Number 88 is...

Fell into a sewer, was 90. Attacked by pelicans, 89.

At SeaWorld.

Number 88 is...

All right, one time I got the district manager of my job fired because he owed me $270 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day. So how did you get him fired? Well, you know, this guy would hire like 16 year olds, you know, just that was kind of his most operanda. What was this job?

Potbelly on Guadalupe! Wow! Calls everything out by name.y. Old, blackmailed Bechdel. The doxer, John Bechdel, is here. Samantha Appleby, you bitch! Hey, Piney, it's not too hot! You're a wild boy, John. You already have a big joke book?

I do not. Here you go. There it is. John Bech boy, John. You already have a big joke book? I do not. Here you go. There it is. John Bechdel, everyone. Talking about how he wants to fuck M&Ms. And honestly, I believe him. I believe him.

Whoa. Whoa.

91?

Yeah, there it is.

Story number 91. I was once walking off Kill Tony, and I almost died tripping on a cord. I need a lawyer if anybody has one. I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me. His name...

What the fuck is it?

Fucking Henry. Thomas J. Henry. Thomas J. Henry. All right. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Alex Tarno. Alex Tarno, everyone.

Here we go.

How you guys doing tonight? Good.

Yeah, I'm doing good myself. All things considering, I'm single. I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit. I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like, football, cars. Me, I'm like, hobby lobby.

Bath and body works. Love all that shit. I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them. They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, that sounds fun, but you know what sounds fun?

A farmer's market. Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude. Some fresh produce, dude. I had to go to that strip club, right? I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles are reversed at a strip club.

The women come up to the men men and that's terrifying to me. I'm not used to that shit at all and they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight. I now know what it's like to be a hot chick. Because I'm just there with my boys just trying to have a fun time at the strip club. And these money hungry strippers are like, ah, you want to dance? You want to dance? And I'm like, leave me alone. I'm trying to have fun with my friends.

Just because I dress this way doesn't mean I want attention.

All right, thank you.

Alex Tarnow. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Alex, we know you, right? Have you been on this show before?

Yes, I have, sir, yes. You've been pulled out of the bucket.

Not pulled out of the bucket.

I brought Chris Sillio, my roommate, my best friend.

That's right, the golden ticket winner that's blind. Incredible, how long have you guys been roommates?

We've been roommates for a short period of time,

best friends for 10 years.

Wow, amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy? It's fine, I mean like... It's fucking... D-Madness, plug your ears.

Dude.

Bro, like, you know, like simple shit where like it'll be, he's... This one time I go into the bathroom, lights are off, doors open, right?

I open the door and then he goes,

Ah, dude! I'm like, well, fuck you. Oh, that's amazing. Of course they don't need the lights on.

Why the fuck would they?

I've never even thought of that before. Blind people's electric bills must be incredible.

God damn it, 35 cent? What the fuck did I do?

How the hell is this even motherfucking possible?

It's all from the doorbell.

Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much? I'm gonna charge those motherfuckers. It's one of my D-Madness impressions. D, I don't know if you can tell. That's you. I'm not really good at impressions, but that's... I love it. So what do you do for work, Alex Tarnow?

Me? So I am... my background is in teaching, but right now the first job I was able to get when I moved to Austin,

I'm currently a server at a retirement community.

Whoa, okay.

Yeah.

So you're just serving final meals constantly.

Just, I mean bro, I was like excited when I first got the job, because I'm like, yo, I'm going to fucking crush some old pussy, dude. And then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross.

This is not like what you Google online, dude.

Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you?

No, come on, buddy.

Right.

No, not at all.

Yeah, you would have crushed them, though, if you weren't correct.

I would have destroyed.

You are adorably chubby. I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fat. I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that.

If you poke my belly, I giggle.

I bet.

I bet you do. What are your foods of choice? What does it take to exactly make that shape? Uh, so, I have, like, a legendary Chipotle order.

Ooh, tell us about this.

It's pretty crazy.

I get a steak bowl, but triple steak.

Oh, my God, yes.

And double large guac, extra toppings, dude.

What are your toppings of choice? My top, cheese, like, the shredded cheese right at corn?

You know the chili corn like corn. Yeah, you go red and green. I do red and green. Yeah

Oh you M&Ms I go

Rice Krispie treats

One of those wacky wacky ice cream sundaes by the end of it crumbled Oreos I

Go ham with that to do Dara Queen is Oreos. I go ham with that too, dude. Dairy Queen is fucking...

You go ham with ham.

Ham.

What's your love life like, Alex? It's...

I've been single now for two years, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, I've been kind of... You from Austin?

No, I'm from Miami.

Have you ever kissed a girl since you've lived in Austin?

Not yet, no.

Not yet? Is there a girl out there, is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy? We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business. And famously, there's always a woman that,

for the sake of the goodness of the state of the union, come on, whoever you are.

-♪♪

This is where the magic happens, everybody. This is a very long, famous portion of the show. It's called Kiss Me Here on Kill Tony. This is Alex Tarno, and this is his first kiss as an Austin, Texas resident.

Wow! Wow!

Wow!

Okay.

Hell yeah, that was a quick little peck there. How do you feel, Alex?

Thank you, I appreciate that.

Thank you, thank you.

I believe this is a couple.

Yeah, it really is. You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts.

What?

What? Why are you booing?

Why are you fucking, who are you offended by in that?

Great thing just right now.

You don't think he's a handsome charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club?

I look like a poor man's John Belushi.

Like a Jim Belushi? You look like a Jim Belushi.

Yeah, that's John Belushi.

Not Jim Belushi.

A poor man's John Belushi is Jim Belushi.

Yeah. Jim Belushi. A poor man's Jambalushi is Jim Belushi. It is Jim Belushi.

That's what I was trying to say. I thought it was funny.

It is. Yeah, it's so funny.

It's incredible.

Uh, okay. Alex.

Just make sure she's on top.

It's fucking murder if I'm on top.

What's your name, sweetheart? Talk into that microphone right there.

Elena.

Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage?

Well, he's quite charming.

Wow, look at this. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah, this chick's gonna be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time. This is incredible. Amazing, amazing.

Elena, where are you from?

Michigan.

Oh, okay, so this guy's, this is like a 10. Right, this is a Michigan 10.

We do look like we make the perfect 10, though.

Yeah, zero one, perhaps. I think Michael's seeing the ten back there. Alright, thank you so much Elena. Thank you Alex Tarno. Fun times. Alex, how long is your longest set? How about a hand for Elena everybody being a good sport. What's the longest set you've ever done?

30 minutes.

30 minutes? I would love to have you and the blind guy on the secret show Thursday. Chris Celio and Alex Tarno just got booked on the secret show. Oh my goodness, here we are coming right around the corner. All right, we have another bucket full ladies and gentlemen

make some noise for Jackson Namy, everyone. Jackson Namy.

♪♪

Appreciate it. I know I look like I got turned out at a Planet Fitness. It was a YMCA, fuck you, for real. I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. And it's hereditary, so some of you hoes better watch out.

They call me Cronus the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause, what the fuck? That's a Greek joke.

They call me Percy Jackson the half-blood fucker.

For real, fuck.

They call my throat Slitterbond the way kids be sliding down it, fuck. It's a magic school bus on my tongue. Come on the magic school bus. Arnold, stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy.

I can feel it in the crowd.

Whoooom.

That one time in college.

Whooom.

With his uncle.

Whooom.

With that girl who wasn't a girl who he thought it was a girl.

But... With that girl who wasn't a girl who he thought it was a girl. Fuck.

You ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog?

Just me?

Just me?

Nah, the dykes are in the front row are like, nah, we just munch it.

The fuck?

The fuck?

This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said not to my victims.

The fuck? This guy asked me if being gay was a choice. I said, not to my victims. The first.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Damn. Jackson Naney coming in and absolutely destroying. Counts for double being that gay in the middle of Texas. You double killed. Absolutely incredible, Jackson. Last time you killed this hard,

it was your parents' expectations of you. What a huge change from last time you were in there. A huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show, which was very... It was just gay, wasn't, and you came out, I fuckin'...

I'm only half gay now.

That had to be, yeahe side. Yeah, amazing. Amazing, Jackson. So remind us, how long you been doing standup now?

Seven, eight years maybe.

Seven or eight years, all of it here in Texas?

Yes, sir.

Okay, this is where you're born and raised?

Houston, Texas.

Okay, what are your parents like? What do they think of this whole thing with you? They're just regular folk, conservative, Methodist. Yeah. What does your dad say to you when he hears material like this, what do you think he's gonna say? Like, Jackson, God damn it.

He's got boomer autism, so like, I give him space. You know what I mean?

What do you mean by that?

Can you explain that? Like he can knock on the walls and be like, that's hardwood right there. Like he just, he just knows shit like that. So, you know, we get along in a weird way.

So like.

Like Hank Hill shit.

Definitely Hank Hill shit, yeah.

If Bobby was trans, then me, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you guys do for fun? What do you and your dad do for fun? We used to go camping. We don't, you know, estranged relationships, you know, we trying.

Yeah.

How about mom? You closer with mom?

She cool. She was in remission for breast cancer. Okay.

Yeah.

Look at that. Amazing.

Full remission.

Okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock?

What's your third favorite thing to do? Okay, so what do you do for fun, Jackson, when you're not doing comedy or sucking cock? Pfft. Pfft.

What's your third favorite thing to do?

Pfft.

We know what the first two are. This guy is killing and filling.

Pfft.

He's crushing and gushing.

Pfft.

I got me a girlfriend. Really? Yeah. Okay, where'd you meet this guy? No. It's a real girl? Yeah. You're gay but you have a girlfriend? Yeah. Help us to understand this. I was her gay friend uh-huh and now she like needs a gay friend it finally worked for one of us we finally this is amazing so explain to us the slow burn

that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck. How long were you guys just friends for? Years, a couple years?

Years, years, definitely years.

So then what, explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been where all of a sudden you. It was the day I was being institutionalized. It was that okay, so tell us about that so like she called me After a while been a while, and I was like yeah, cuz you remember I said I suck dick up here and million views and yeah You just did it again

Yeah, that's it. I mean it's whatever, but I'm just saying. I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that.

That was crazy.

Okay, so you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show?

For sure, for sure.

But why?

What?

Why?

Was it for the pressure of being on the show, honestly?

No, man, no. Tell us why you got institutionalized The gay shit. What do you mean? Who is it? I was said Juanita was here earlier. She's not going to jail She's not going to a psych ward me on some Prozac. That's fuck the medicine companies. That's it. Was it your parents? Yeah Yeah, it was fine it was fine, okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for?

Uh, two months. Two months.

Two months? Tell us about that. What was that like?

I was popular for the first time ever. It was awesome! Okay. Explain to us what you mean by that. Well, like, they do this group therapy shit, and like, I was just running laps around motherfuckers. Just... getting big laughs. Yeah, like, fucking kill it. Oh, mama, cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart.

Like, mother fuckers.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, mother fucker. Them girls with the fucking bracelets around they cut wrists, that shit. Oh, shit, I was everyone's best friend.

So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours in the psych ward. No, so where'd you oh, that's right, right town hometown girl. So what why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your Institutionalization God, I don't know I don't fucking know. Okay, so when you got out two months later, she picked you up Yeah, we waited slow burn just doing gay friendship going to the gallery Botanical gardens, Right, that's gay. But I don't give a fuck, it's just, it grew in the summer.

Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore. I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom. While she was having sex with guys?

Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that. But like, that,

because like we wasn't together. So it was like, I was doing some of that too. We just keeping the friendship. Okay, let me go back to the root question here. Let's, I'm trying to fight Prozac right now. This is a live battle. Tony versus Prozac and a battle of the Titans. If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is.

The big healthcare companies have a tight grip on my show. So far, Prozac is up one round against me. There had to be a moment, a true moment, say you're at the Botanical Gardens or something like that, a moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with this shit.

I was watching this National Geographic show.

Okay. Yeah, I know. No, seriously, in real life,

it doesn't have to be funny. We just fucked, I was in the bedroom, I was laying down, we were tired of scissoring, it was time. It was time, it was time, motherfucker. I squirted, she squirted, my pussy was wet,

we got the pH modifier, motherfucker, we was ready, fuck.

So you're regularly having sex with a girl?

She's pregnant, yes.

Oh! Oh!

Wait, what? There are some, I'm confused, I can't even imagine, I'm looking out at some Texans that definitely drove a fucking F250 here from an hour and a half away, some real fucking ranch folks that are just literally...

Don't beat me on it, this is good, this is what you wanted!

I don't fucking...

He ain't gay no more! He likes women! This is good. This is what you wanted. I don't

This is incredible

Wow, how long has the girl been pregnant for? She's due in October.

Due in October. Unbelievable. And so, what are you gonna name the little f***?

What? F***.

Well...

Jesus Christ.

That thing's coming out gay as f***, dude.

How I...

You're gonna go through what your parents went through and you're gonna find out how karma works and they're gonna think you're the conservative, autistic one.

Lil' Jaden, I don't know, he gonna be light skinned. We gonna fuck around, but. Oh, it's a black girl? Oh, he gonna be light skinned. We gonna fuck around.

Oh, it's a black girl?

Oh, she Nigerian, yes sir.

Wow!

This is incredible. This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today. Every time I ask him a question.

But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents?

It's unbelievable.

Have you told them that you're straight now? Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby?

Yeah, they were, they're, yeah. They know, yes sir.

How do they feel about it?

They're relieved. They're like, thank God, fuck.

This is incredible. How does it feel going from gay to straight?

In record time, crazy, motherfucker.

Like, in split speed, yeah.

What's funny is that you still, you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man, that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick.

Well, you know, I still dabble, but.

Do you really? You really still dabble? Everyone needs their hobbies, the fuck? Wow. Does she do that too? Yeah, we fuck around. We have a good time. Wow. Incredible.

I know where I'm sleeping tonight. My new friend's house. Pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy. This sounds like a fucking...

You gotta get ready to be a father to this child. You gotta stop fucking around. You gotta buy some real pants. You gotta not believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child.

But you're running out of time. October is soon. I'm busting my ass here, motherfucker. I'm trying my best.

No, you gotta not bust your ass.

Exactly. Your ass has been busted enough.

Wow.

Jackson, does she have a job?

Yeah, sure.

What does she do? She was, she was, she got, we don't got a job right now.

You guys, neither of you have jobs? How are you planning on supporting the child? Give me a gig, motherfucker. No, that's not how it works. How are you going to do it, period?

You know, you know. OnlyFans, I don't know.

Do you guys do things on OnlyFans?

No, sir. No.

Okay, so how are you planning on supporting the child? This interview is going to get sad real quick.

Some bullshit ass job, motherfucker.

Like what I was a hair store I can do that again a hair store yeah Sally's

You got you got a men's talent to be a professional comic though for real. Oh for real? Thank you. Thank God. Somebody said thank you so much. Right.

Send this guy some money. Send this, send this, what do they call it when they transfer this? Transfer what? This born again straight guy. Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what does it all mean? What's your Venmo?

Give your Ven, yes.

Yeah, what's your Ven?

Cash app Jackson Namy 1. N-A-M-I.

Yes, sir.

Jackson Namy 1.

You're gonna wanna get a Venmo. The cash app people don't give us generously.

Right, that's true. You're gonna need a Venmo. Venmo is one more V you have to get into. It's incredible. What's your longest set you've ever done, Jackson? 10, 15. I'd love to give you an 8minute spot at Secret Show Thursday. There you go. Here's the big joke Wow unbelievable what an intriguing interview one more time for Jackson everybody All right your final bucket full of the night make Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone. Frank Kidd, here we go.

We're almost there. One more time for Frank, everybody.

All right, hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like black people drive past a plantation

and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and just how it impacts us today. Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time crushed under an oppressive system. And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding.

I... What a nice place to have a wedding. I... I... I...

I... I... I... I... I... I... Why don't we get married here? Babe, let's do a silly one. Put the shackles on me. That's crazy. Oh no, ma'am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you? No, that'd be crazy, right? Okay, all right, thank you.

All right, Frank Kidd. Welcome, Frank. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah, first time on the show? Yeah, first time on the show. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, four years now. Where at?

Houston. Baton Rouge.

Baton Rouge.

That was gonna be my next guest.

Great game. Great game.

Yeah, go talk to him.

Yeah, absolutely. It is college football season. Did you go to college? Yeah, I went to LSU. What did you get your degree in? Journalism. Okay. What do you, do you use that at all for anything?

Delivering Amazon packages.

Perfect.

Did you pay off your college debts yet?

Parents pay for it.

Oh, nice. Okay. What do the parents do?

Real estate.

Nice. Look at that. You locked out.

Thank you, mama, dad.

I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun, Frank?

I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football.

Okay.

Do gay remixes, songs.

Do what remixes? Gay remixes. What do you mean, gay remixes?

It's like, just like a... Yeah, he was about to. It's like a regular song,

but she makes a little mistake. James, go ahead. Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out earlier on. And, uh... That won't make sense to you, but I apologize. There was a gay guy who's not gay anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard the last part of that.

He's sort of not gay anymore.

Well, he dabbles.

Yeah, he dabbles yeah yeah

still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat totally straight now no anal

Frank how long you been with your girlfriend about a year now what does she do she works at Dillard's oh okay all right white girl black girl black okay I don't like how he what like, white girl, black girl? I was like, she's black.

Yeah. It's a weird question?

No, I'm just saying. I was like, it seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women.

And I was like, no.

You don't think you look like you would?

Not anymore.

Right, right. Right. You've been with white women before? Yes. No comment.

Of course.

When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women over black women?

Man, man, white pussy, no. White pussy be like, black pussy, nah.

I really didn't notice anything different, you know?

Nothing at all, huh?

Nothing at all.

There's so many huge differences.

Oh.

Yeah, huge.

Like I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is I'm told a big thing and...

No doubt.

I'm sorry.

White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them

that black people don't have? I don't know who...

What does that mean? You feel that cauliflower thing? Black people don't have? I don't know who... What does that mean?

You feel that cauliflower thing?

Black women don't have that?

What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you felt the cauliflower thing before? It was broccoli. It was broccoli. Broccoli. Broccoli. Cauliflower is, if it's a white woman, broccoli. If it's a darker woman.

Okay.

So, Frank, what else? What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that?

I play Xbox. I go to the gym, I guess. I wish I did rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting.

That makes sense, though.

I love it.

I love it. What's your favorite food, Frank?

Mac and cheese.

How often do you eat mac and cheese?

Probably once every two weeks.

Wow, what a special treat.

That's a...

I eat it more than that.

Yeah, Red Band has to go to a meet up group if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese.

What's your favorite mac and cheese?

Ooh, here we go, different levels to the game. Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix?

Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top.

Four cheeses. Red Band sometimes does a breadcrumbs only remix of that.

Oh.

Oh.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Breadcrumbs! All right. Frank, Frank, Frank. Frank Kid. you have any kids. No, I did not you want to Is that are you offering me? Yes, would you like to make a baby with me? No, are you look do you want to have kids one day? Yes, I'd like to do you see also

I will take you up on your offer to have kids with you perfect cuz you know divorce

I'm coming for half absolutely absolutely I had a feeling you were gonna try to steal something from me when I first I didn't realize you were gonna play the long game Frank I thought you were coming straight for

my wallet I got a long game I can play with you Tony I missed that what'd he

say you said he was playing the long game with you no Tony. I love it. I miss that. What'd he say?

You said he was playing the long game with you?

No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry, that's very similar to what I said.

Oh, I understand.

Absolutely.

Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Anything ever happen or a weird thing with your family or... Weird thing with my family? Something, anything about your entire life makes you different?

Um, okay, so I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny. That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life. That was ridiculous.

What did you do?

We looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has that ever worked for you or something? He's like 60-something years old in the club with like 25, you know, 30-year-old.

He's just appreciating it. That's a compliment. Yeah. Is that how you hit on women?

Sure.

He's got the look.

That's my thing.

Oh, God.

Wow.

You want to be on Secret Show? Can you keep a secret?

No. Frank, fun times. Congratulations on getting pulled. There you go, there's some jokes. Frank Kidd, everybody. There he goes, everyone. Frank Kidd. Well, we've been through so much tonight. I mean, how could we forget Colin Sledge starting it off with a great set and an awkward interview, and then Juanita being Juanita, the giant Mexican woman with a cock.

And then there was the electrical energy of Pat O'Neill, the huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner. There's Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Cain Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarnow, Jackson, Naimi who went from gay to straight coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men. Men's assholes.

Where poop comes out of. And then it's where a baby comes out of. A vagina. And it came inside of it to the point where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina. Amazing to think that one day, little baby Nami will come out of the shit-slide vagina. It's like, it's really Tony's internal monologue, I think, at all times. We've had so much fun with James, the black Israelite is out on YouTube.

Dave Landau's book, Party of One, is out now. I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with Only one man can do it. The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show. Some people call him the Nicked Nuisance.

The Prince of Prize Picks. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

-♪♪♪♪ Quick survey.

Who here has not seen the remake of The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler? Okay, spoiler alert, he rapes a lot of inmates. It's graphic. The sun has gone bad. I repeat, the sun has gone bad.

That is a guy who's never seen black people. If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Red Band was so racist, he got voted most likely to secede. Yeah, from the union. During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood!

Okay, that's my time, toted!

Wow. Very interesting set. Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger, that's an odd, different maneuver. We've never seen this before. It makes sense. It makes sense.

I had never seen his yearbook picture before. I actually got his yearbook picture before I actually got his yearbook from his mom his mom sent me a bunch of Wow shit in the mail we're pin pals did you does his mom sent you a lot of things yeah I mean all kinds of stuff but yes she did send me his old yearbooks and it was because normally it's most likely to succeed right yeah they said succeed and he's wearing his fucking Stars and Bars shirt.

It was really weird. I get it, he's in Ohio or whatever, but yeah, it seemed pretty racist.

Wow.

William, are you ever racist? What do you think about other people?

No, oh my gosh, I try to take people as they are, Tony. I try to, I try to, but I'll be honest though. Somebody I can be racist against though is other redheaded people. Every now and again, I like to, I generally like to be the only redheaded person

on the stage.

You starting this up again? You starting this shit with me once again? Tony's asking me what I feel racist against. I do feel racist against other redheaded people.

I love you, Jay. I feel racist against I do feel racist against other redheaded people We gotta stick together. We got to do something for the community

Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'm in a room I want the only redheaded fucking person when I'm in a room. You don't feel that way you guys I don't care about it That's weird. Is it weird? Yeah, we don't get any special powers or strengths. There's no redheaded

advocacy group out there trying to get

us an Oscar. Sounds like William. We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me James. Is that true? Have you known that you had to use anesthesia? Only the women. It's a fun... it's only the women. What? Redheaded women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why. It's only the women. What? Red-headed women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why. It's not fun and it's not funny, so I didn't really want to talk about it. But that happens to be a fact.

It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, you know, black guys doing a marathon. That's true. There are certain anomalies with different different skins and colors and blood types

I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision, and it was the best day of my life

How old were you during this circumcision? I was 30 and I were 30 years old 3-0 Yeah, okay. What what happened there? Tell us about this. Have you ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight?

Yeah.

Anyway, we had something like that sort of develop over the years. The doctors assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much.

How many days did it take to heal?

The circumcision?

Yes.

Ages. Man, I had to wear a condom in public.

Really?

As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed penis. I like to lose the whole room right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about, you know. We've done so well up to this point.

Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now. You do? Red-headed people do that. Red-headed people walk around with condoms on their penis.

Yeah, brother! Yeah!

Wow, what kind of condom is it?

Uh, ultra-ribbed.

Wow. Wow.

That's all I can get at the gas station at night.

Oh, my goodness. What was the age of your circumcision? Huh? Circumcised at birth?

Or 30?

At birth.

Oh, very good.

William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station?

Yeah, there's literally one on my dick right now.

Wow.

I kinda don't give a fuck anymore, dude.

Jackson Namie would suck it right off if he just stuck it through that curtain right now. I'm sure he would. Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant.

What a stupid bitch to let that cake out. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Get her fucking ass pregnant.

That seems stupid. I'm so proud.

Yeah.

What do you think he should name the AIDS baby?

What? What?

Isn't it solid?

Maybe Dan? Dan could be a good name.

William, what else did you get from the gas station?

Oh shit, Tony. I mean, the peanut butter Snickers. You know, I am eating those things nonstop. I'm drinking, uh,

you-hoos.

You-hoos?

My A1C's still fucked up, Tony.

Your what?

My A1C's still fucked up. I'm not doing good.

Your what is fucked up?

A1C.

What is that?

It's something in my blood. It's, the numbers are messed up still. Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony.

Are you going to a, like, a normal doctor? It's a Chinese medicine place.

They're the only people that take my insurance.

He has this weird-ass fucking Chinese medicine place. Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place? It's the only place that takes my insurance right now.

And they jerk... and they jerk you off.

Yeah. Chinese medicine place. It's the only place that takes my insurance right now. And they jerk you off.

You have bad news and a happy ending at the same time. What did they say your A1C is? You have too much hemoglobin or whatever. Yes, thank you Red Band. Our senior medical correspondent Brian Red Band. It's a glucose issue.

What did you just call it, Reb- I was just thinking, that was like the stupidest thing

you could have messed that up.

Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin, it's like, God, am I having a stroke right now? Am I really fucking dying right now? Listening to this idiot person?

I'm gonna double read with you right now. The Hemoglobin of... Yeah, our senior medical correspondent.

Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin.

All right.

It's funny, because he looked it up and everything. It's just right there. It's written in big letters.

No, it's Hemoglobin.

He was so close. He ate Spider-Man. If only he could read. It's Hobgoblin. The Hobgoblin. The Hobgoblin. It's Spider-Man's arch nemesis, the Hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin A1C.

Wow.

What else did you get from the gas station, William?

I got some Twizzlers, Tony! What else, William? I got some Gatorade, Tony!

What flavor Gatorade did you get?

Lemon ice.

No, that's a fake name.

Ah.

I just get scared.

When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's great.

Yeah. That's what happens. That's why it's a hit part of the show, William. It ain't easy. It ain't easy improvising every week what else did you get from the gas station don't look at James don't see sunglasses Tony okay I'm sweating now Tony it's not it's okay seriously you got sunglasses were they

like the athletic kind or normal or like what kind of sunglasses like D Madness's? John D's perhaps? Were they like Matt Muelling's?

It looks like D Madness's glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs. It looks like his glasses could zap the bugs. D Madness it looks just like it.

What else did you get from the gas station, William?

Lotto tickets, Tony!

Heh heh.

But it's so nice to be here, Tony.

William, we love you so much. You are the best. He's done it again. Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks. How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody?

Go to his YouTube, James Donald Forbes McCann, and watch the new special, Black Israelite, on YouTube. Anything else you wanna say, James?

I got a new single out on Spotify. I got a new book of poems coming out. I'm doing five things badly.

Wow.

Incredible, James McCann. We love you. Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody. His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon. He's on tour, DaveLandau.com. It's all happening.

Thank you, DaveLandau.com. It's all happening. Thank you, Dave. Anything else?

That's it, thank you for having me. Check out my show, Normal World. Other than that, thank you all.

DaveLandau.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there oh it's Timmy no breaks everybody how about one more time for the best damn band in the land huh check out my fake band cat bread 7 on Spotify iTunes and YouTube we love you guys tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center New Year's Eve everybody says they can't get tickets to a kill

Tony now is everyone's official chance one of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas only on New Year's Eve this year. We love you guys. We'll see you there. Thank you. Good night, everybody. ♪♪

♪♪ The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.