KT #741 - ROSEANNE + PAULY SHORE

Oh Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony.

It's Glenn!

It's Glenn!

It's Glenn!

It's Glenn! Oh my god and how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land that's the Kill Tony band Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande and this is the great Matt Muehling, John Dees and that is D Madness live in the flesh ladies and gentlemen we are here this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew and ZipRecruiter and what a humdinger slobber knocker of an episode we have for you before we get to it here's a little bit more from the

amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Hello, hello, hello.

This podcast is brought to you by Nicked. Nicked is back, baby, and they're our favorites. And this time, it's 100% made in the USA, the greatest country on planet Earth. They rebuilt it from the ground up. Every single piece of it all american source these are higher quality premium ingredients people kill tony listeners get 35 off unlimited orders for up to six months where else we find

this kind of deal where where only at nickedpouches.com slash tony with code tony and get 35 off at nykdpouches.com slash tony nicked usa the pouches are back nick products are only for adults of legal age and every other order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Well, well, well, well here we are and you know I find myself bragging a lot more than usual about my booking abilities as of late and this week. Holy Fucking shit, man. I mean wow I am so good at booking this fucking show ladies and gentlemen Not only is it two of the best comedians of all time, not only is it two of the best

guests in the show's history, but combined between the two of them, many movies, many number one television shows in the world, and about 90 years of combined stand-up comedy experience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two residents of Austin, Texas.

This is Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore.

Oh my God. Get on your fucking feet. Except for you pregnant lady, you can stay down. Roseanne Barr and Pauly Shore! God bless America! This is Gil Tony!

Watch that little fanny back there. The great and powerful, the queen of comedy, Roseanne Barr. The son of Mitzi, Pauly Shore is here, ladies and gentlemen. Two of the biggest comedy store icons, two of the biggest comedians, number one movies, number one show on ABC's history, The Roseanne fucking show. And she's here. Now she has the Roseanne Bar podcast and Pauly sure has Random Rants, his podcast.

You've both been on this show before. Welcome. How you doing, Pauly?

Thank you. I'm fucking just happy I survived this weekend here at the Mothership. We had some crazy ass shows. I can't believe they have this particular club on this particular street in front of this so many fucking bars, dude. How the fuck I get here every night is fucking beyond me, dude. They could have put this on Congress

where we could have been liberal little fucking queers out there and made it to the place on fucking time, dude. They made me ride the bull downstairs and they don't let me go through the back like fucking Shane Gillis, dude. They had me go for the fucking front, dude.

And I got people pissing on me in there, so. And that pizza next door is fucking disgusting. But the good thing is, is Red Band actually, besides being the producer, though, give it up for Red Band.

Okay. Are you, all right.

Besides being here, the producer, he also does pedicab on the side. So I've been in fucking his pedicab because it's another job that you can drink and actually drive. So give it up for Red Band and Tony.

Okay.

The golden boy. I think it's pronounced petty carbs by the way. He bicycles while eating. It's an e-bike too. It's not a regular bike.

Definitely an e-bike. So thanks for it. Thanks. I was really excited to have Roseanne Barr on the show because.

Are you the host tonight? This was supposed to be like a quick hello and then we get to the thing, you have all these local jokes. You think the guy in Sweden cares about the pizza place next door? What the fuck are you doing right now? I'm glad that we're knocking it out early in the show so that I can set a precedent.

I took acid, which you're not supposed to do in 57, and I took a fucking Waymo, bro.

All right.

Well, now it's time to take a chill pill, because I get to say hello to the queen herself. Roseanne Barr is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much. And Tony, I'm so glad to be back with you. And I just want to thank Tony, because last time I was on, I guess I was too drugged and drunk and everything. And I got in a lot of trouble with Tony, because I was yelling and stuff and interrupting people.

You did get in trouble.

And because of Tony, that was kind of a, what do you call it, where you like confront people and I...

Intervention?

Intervention. And I just want to say that I became sober because of Tony.

Is that true?

It is totally true. I have... I got sober because of you's that true. It is totally true. I have I

Got sober because of you. Thank you. Well, we're gonna do the same thing for Pauly short and I have

I'm never gonna be fucking sober like Charlie Sheen that fucking pussy

Thanks, sir, I just want to say I have two days tomorrow and

Thank you so much, you're welcome and welcome back to one of the all-time greats Roseanne motherfucking

I can't wait to see these new guys. Yeah excited

We're gonna see people that are like, you know up and coming and it's for me. So Tony, just real quick, you know she used to babysit me when I was a child?

Yes.

Yeah, Roseanne Barr breastfed me, dude. And yo, and Will B. Goldberg breastfed me chocolate milk.

Oh my goodness.

He was raised at the comedy store.

Oh my God.

Can't say that, right?

You can't say that right you can't say that shit. You can say it. Oh, you're okay, pal All right, we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight You both been guests before you know how it works over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity Maybe they've been signing up every Monday for six months. Maybe it's their first time. Maybe it's been years They've been trying to get on maybe they've gotten on before and bomb maybe they've gotten on before and done good absolutely anything can happen I'm gonna let this recently released convict pick the first name reach on in there pull a name out

And then we'll send it and they're gonna get 60 seconds uninterrupted You know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them I conduct an interview we give them feedback. We talk to them. Sometimes it's Amazing and in some people become a star some people Find out that they're never gonna make it Truly anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Well, I also have some very special treats and we're gonna start with one of them. He's a golden ticket winner who's great at opening the show, lots of energies. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for returning golden ticket winner Jack Shaw everyone. Your first minute uninterrupted of the night, Jack. Sha! Hi, hey everybody.

I've been told to be more confident on stage. So, hello motherfuckers.

Pretty good.

Okay. I need to be more confident, because I just moved in with my girlfriend pretty recently. And when we moved in together,

she said, Jack, I'm going to need you to be a man now.

Uh-oh! He said, Jack, I'm gonna need you to be a man now.

Uh-oh! Oh, fuck!

This is a problem, guys, because my girl, she's from Texas. I'm from Los Angeles. We have different ideas of what a man is, okay? You guys know, Texas is where men are men, and Los Angeles is where men are gay, and that's...

I'm just, I was just raised by a bunch of homosexuals, and now I'm just a gay guy trying to make that pussy bust, and I... I'm just a gay man trying to make that pussy fart,

and I don't know, I'm not sure how to do it, dude, and...

Ha ha.

I looked it up on Google, man It said you got to be more confident to make that pussy fart, but I'm not confident I'm Jewish man. We're an indecisive people even our name is Jewish

Wow, I love that. Boom. Great joke Jack Shaw. An amazing new minute. Absolutely love it. Jack, it is true. If you can't tell by the everything about him, he is Jewish.

In fact, he was just recently released from Gaza today. He was one of the hostages. Fresh. He's excited to have his freedom back.

Too soon, too soon.

Ha ha ha ha.

That I'm home or that he said that?

Um, alright.

You look like Pee Wee Herman's retarded son, bro.

Ha.

Welcome, Jack Shaw, or as I call him, Kermit the Jew. Okay. Welcome. How's life going, Jack? Okay, howdy doody. Whoa, you roasted me. Hi. Anyway, how's life going, you fucking idiot? Answer the questions. You're in the interview part there, King Roaster.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to be a part of the roast show. I'm not a roaster and I'm trying to do it. You're right. You're not a roaster, so don't try it now in front of a live audience. Practice for many years and then you could do that. How's this week going for you, Jack? It's been great, dude.

I actually, I sold out my first headlining show. My first time selling out a show. So that was... The laugh factor in Reno doesn't fucking count, bro.

How, go ahead, Roseanne.

I think that I feel watching you that you should, I think that I feel, watching you, that you should, I think that you can be successful. And I think you should, I really do, I think that you're likable. And I think you should further plum the deep wells of anger that I feel is inside of you.

Okay.

And I think if you bring them out more, like the Jewish parts, like the hatred of your mother, I think that that simmering just under the surface, and I think you should plumb that.

Oh, she's a bitch, Roseanne.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, she's a real bitch.

Roseanne is very good at this show in the way that she does see things in brand new young younger newer comedians that That that is almost crystal ball ask and I see seething anger

I really do and it at all women really what? Inability to pop the pussy and all that shit I think that suggests that I

Completely agree with Roseanne her insight is incredible Yeah, I think there is a little a little angry boy boiling under this fucking this little clown Jew face ears What else about women Jack what how do you read How do they really make you feel? Like a little baby. They make you feel like a baby.

Like a little, like a little baby.

I like women.

Are you close with your mom? Yeah.

Yeah.

She is a bitch though. I was serious about that.

Tell us more. When you say she's a bitch, can you give us an example? A recent example of your mom being a bitch?

Yeah.

She's going to love this.

Yeah, she's going to love it. She keeps asking me to talk about her on the show. And here it is, Mom.

You fucking bitch.

Let's see.

But she made you funnier. Yeah, what'd you say okay because she's a bitch she she made you funnier right right she's a so she's an acting coach that's what she that's what she does for her work and she's that's that's actually a way she's a big bitch she's pretty mean and she's pretty mean about how I look tell us more specifically about her disappointment in the way that you look. Specifically, she tells me to eat less.

And I don't think I'm... I mean, I'm a pretty regular guy, but... She's had anorexia for most of her life, and she thinks that's a good thing. Oh.

Yeah, so...

Shout-out, Mom!

Wow.

Well, you just gave her a little something to chew on there. Did she ever give you any advice on how to pop that pussy?

I've never asked my mom how to pop that pussy.

Maybe you should.

It seems like you have a lot of semen in your balls right now.

Our senior semen correspondent, Pauly Shore,. Yeah. He's got a nose for it.

Don't ejaculate on me bro. Okay. I won't. I won't. You look like you're about to. I promise dude.

I promise. Jack always fun, always fun to watch. This is one of my favorite minutes you've ever done. I'm so glad we started the show with you tonight. Unbelievable. That's how it's done. Thank you, Jack Shaw. Okay, all right.

Thank you, Jack.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the pulsing heartbeat of the show, The Bucket, where we meet someone, perhaps for the first time, perhaps for their last time. Anything can happen.

This is the opportunity that they have been waiting for, for hours, hoping that their name gets pulled. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ashley Steinmetz, everyone. Ashley Steinmetz, or Metz. We're gonna find out. This is Ashley.

Oh, I got the mic. Now it's gonna go great. There you go. Love is Blind is really fucking up the men of this generation. I said hi to a guy on Hinge, and he sent me back a 60-second voice memo crying, saying I'm everything he's ever dreamed of, just like the show. That's been happening a lot more lately.

Now they love bomb before the first date. It's getting really fucking weird. Right? Are there any true crime people in the audience? Anyone? Yeah, absolutely. We're so obsessed with true crime as a country. Anything that's true is now a fucking crime. Isn't... Did you know that? Have y'all heard about that?

It's true. Yeah. I'm also great at parties. Yeah, I tell things like this. They always say... They always say not to stay home and just watch TV, but every bad date feels like an episode of I Survived.

Heh heh heh. I'll end on this. We're all going to die but Israel will be fine so don't worry about it.

All right. Wow quite the closing line you got there. What do you mean by that exactly? I have so many questions, but we'll start with the most recent question that popped into my head. What do you mean by Israel will be fine?

Well, I'm obsessed with politics, so I do social media for a living, so I see fucking everything. So most people don't have the time to see everything like I do. So I'm really fun at parties.

I'm great at parties, I'm great on dates. I've been going on a lot of them. If I don't like the guy, I just start talking about politics. Okay. You know, I know how to end things.

Oh yeah.

So you don't like any of us then, right?

No, I adore you and I love the fuck out of you.

We love you too. We love your hair. It's beautiful. It's very Halloween-y.

Oh yeah.

It's gorgeous.

Yeah, I kill in October. I've been called Elvira for years.

So what was up with the cue cards? What's up with that?

You go ahead, Pauly.

Like, I mean...

It makes sense.

So yeah, for sure. I'm a

Like I mean it makes sense so

Yeah for sure

Go ahead Ashley answer Polly's question first. Yeah

So I'm a personality in rock and metal so I've been interviewing bands for nobody gives a fuck anyway So Ashley no, let's let's let's let's do this Ashley How long have you attempted stand-up comedy for six months and where have you been doing this at?

I've been making the rounds up and down the street this street. Yes, okay

When you say making the rounds are you talking about your body type? Come on what do you think Jack Shaw's mom would say about her? Am I right? Hello, sweetie, I have some advice for you. All right, just kidding. Ashley's laughing. Everybody's having a good time here.

For those of you watching this clip on whatever, she's smiling. She's thriving. So you say that you spend a lot of time on social media. That's what you do for a living? Yes. And how exactly do you make money doing that?

So I've had a social media company for a decade. So I run it for businesses. So I just happen to see every court hearing, every congressional hearing, everything.

So I just happen to do that.

And you have enough time to do that while watching Love is Blind, true crime shows, and the show I Survived, which made up your entire minute of material, three television shows, and you're on social media. Are you doing both at the same time? And watching Outlander and Poldark. Wow, you're professionally lazy. Incredible, Ashley. This is amazing. What do you, what else about you? What do you do for fun? Um, my

favorite thing in the world is friends. So that's my fucking the show

All right

Okay, and you have show do you have just a cannibal corpse that's fun, okay

Do you have do you have friends for a long time? Or do you find you yourself rotating friends a lot? In and out like you do with your dating life just genuine question

I did just walk away from my best friend of 13 years. Tell us about that. I

Know for you to walk must take a lot of that

If it really did

How do I how do I make it how do I make it yet surprisingly upbeat? A very jealous shark of a horrible person tried to take me out in our friend group and it worked on my best friend and it like I have so many fucking times gone there for her and I do not let people people have said her name in vain and I don't let people do

that yeah that's not cool right I know it's not cool can I ask you what's up with your cue cards I just want to figure out what's it is sure you get

them at Walgreens CBS what do you think look can I can do you mind if I read one of the jokes that you didn't do off the cue card? I tend to be a lot funnier with, no, give me the whole stack, Pauly. No, no, no, that's not how it works, Pauly. Again, I, I don't know, he should do that Tony that's not cool my name is nobody knows who you're doing an impression of Pauly I literally told you not to do that two days ago when you pitched the idea to me then are you out

of your mind right now Pauly take a sip of delicious water for a second okay let's see if we can make this funny. Definitely not that one. Okay. Any crime people in the audience? All right.

I'm a crime fan.

Okay.

Unstable women. I'm talking about me, of course. See how that got a laugh? But it's funny it wouldn't have if you said it. My friends come to me for advice. It's my favorite part of girlhood. Like I solved Becky's problem with her boyfriend. Where do I go to sign

up for the Supreme Court? Oh yeah that one's rough. What did you mean by that

exactly?

Could I try it?

Yes.

The way I do it?

OK.

Yeah, go ahead.

Do you need to read it straight off? You've been doing this shit for six months, and you're just teleprompting, basically. Go ahead. Let's see if you got this.

Unstable women, me. Other unstable women, my friends. That's my favorite part of girlhood. I love it, right? Super fun. I like it. Well, I... we support each other in that way. I just solved my girlfriend Becky's problems

with her boyfriends last night. In this country, in these politics, where do I sign up for the Supreme Court?

It's almost incredible the amount of silence in the room right now. I could literally, I believe I can hear the guy in the last row breathing right now. It is unbelievable. Allergies are really affecting people, but I'm pretty sure that's just a normal breath. Normal, un... Polyshore.

Yeah, I find her completely fascinating. And I actually, if you want to open for me in Dallas at hyenas You can do because I think this is great material to be quite honest So we can talk after the show in the back by the taco truck by the pizza place. I

Love that

Roseanne Barr you were once a a very thick young thick, young, female stand-up comedian. I certainly was. What type of advice do you have for Ashley Steinmetz or Meltz?

Steinmetz.

With a T. You have to cross your T from your R.

The question I'd like to ask is, well, there are several.

One, who told you you were funny?

That's a good follow up. A lot of white nerdy men in comedy. And when I walk in the room, oh, they just die. But I have absolutely killed it in rooms. So sometimes we bomb, sometimes we fucking kill it. And I have fucking killed it before.

OK, but it doesn't seem like you have a lot of respect for comedy. If you come up there reading notes you didn't even fucking memorize your fucking shitty act.

It's true. That is true.

You can't go up there with you know your shitty jokes wrote on recipe cards and read them off. That's rule number one. You should know that you should at least memorize your shit, you know, and get some delivery. You ever heard of that? Delivery?

I have. I have.

And also, a joke is a premise and then a payoff. You don't even have any fucking punchlines.

I gotcha.

I mean, really, I'm glad you're an influencer on whatever the fuck it is you do And my advice is don't quit your fucking day job, bitch And I mean that in the best possible most positive way I can

Direct

Absolute and you follow that advice and when I see you again, you know, I'll have better things to say to you. But don't disrespect us with that shit just because you have a vagina.

Okay.

And...

Period.

Wow. Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen.

Dropping knowledge.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm 72. I don't have time to fuck around. Yeah!

And let me tell ya, you know, you were the first bucket pull of the night. This might seem like some tough medicine to take, but you are lucky enough to get to hear it from the true queen. And if you apply what she just told you to the Rest of your life sign up again do better no cards and people will remember you forever

You could be a fucking legend who knows and she can't she can't open for me anymore. I fucking hi Now that I think about it, you're right I was fucked up before now it's starting to come Well, I have a lot of different percent. I mean she breastfed me when I was a child. I was fucked up before now. It's starting to come. Well, I have a lot of different percent I mean she breastfed me when I was a child. I'm fucked up dude. I go wishy-washy. I'm bisexual. Give me a break

Ashley your jokes have been returned to you with a little joke book attached Congratulations. You were the first bucket pull of the night. Take the sage advice. Oh My god Wow Jesus Christ Polly is out of control tonight. I mean, he's literally insane Pauly we're trying to avoid lawsuits tonight, please just if you could just try to try to

Maybe just 15% chill Pauly there goes Ashley everybody there she goes. I mean you just You ripped up her stuff, Paulie.

Yee-hoo!

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere. Talkspace therapy and psychiatry is covered by most insurers and most insured members pay a copay of $0

plus switch providers at no extra cost. Find the licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs. Therapy can be costly, but part of the mission of DocSpace is to provide quality care that is accessible and affordable.

Whether or not you are insured, right man? Tony, I love DocSpace. They're providing the best mental health treatment out there. There's no question about it. Therapy has helped me and has provided me moments of real transformation.

I'm a model bot. That's right. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month of Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero.

That's S-P-A-C-E eight zero. To match with a licensed therapist today, Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 right now! Hello, hello, hello! This podcast is brought to you by NICT. NICT is back, baby, and they're our favorites. And this time, it's 100% made in the USA, the greatest country on planet Earth. They rebuilt it from the ground up. Every single piece of it, all American-sourced.

These are higher-quality quality premium ingredients, people. Here's the difference with Nyct. Other brands are using wood pulp, but Nyct uses a coconut fiber blend that actually feels and hits right. These are on another level, Red Band. Tony, I love Nyct. These pouches are so much better than the others I've tried. Nyct has the best flavors and they last so much longer, and they have a little thing you can put your old ones in the lid. It's great! Plus their pouches don't hurt my gums like the other brands do.

That's right, and right now Kill Tony listeners get 35% off unlimited orders for up to six months. Where else we find this kind of deal? Where? Where? Only at nickedpouches.com slash Tony with code Tony and get 35% off at nykdpouches.com slash Tony. Nicked USA, the pouches are back. Nicked products are only for adults of legal age and every other order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine.

Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn. This is normally only reserved for arenas having both of them at the same time.

Oh my goodness. What did we miss? A tit pop out or something? What was that second pop for? Yes? Yes. How could I have guessed that a tit popped out? Let's give it up to the Kill Tony band, killing it tonight. Oh, okay. We're going to do that right. Again, Pauly, I'm about to beat the living shit out of you. I swear to God. I'm about to beat- you're going to be the first person I- guest I ever beat up during the show.

Alright. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet another comedian all together. Make some noise for Brian Cook, everyone. Here we go, Brian Cook. 60 seconds, uninterrupted

Thank you very much, but I have some bad news kill Tony I have a friend a singer-songwriter friend here in Austin who he got some bad news from back home He had a friend who overdosed and he passed away and he's very sad about it and he's down in the dumps But he's never sounded better Guitar sounds great, vocals sound great. He was playing for quarters on 6th Street the other day,

you know, on the sidewalk, made $80 in one afternoon. He had a high roller give him a $100 bill. So we're getting results like this? Let's kill all his friends. Let's kill everyone he's ever met and take him to the top of the charts. You see, Dave Grohl's don't grow on trees.

It takes a lot of pain and suffering to create America's next pop sensation. So let's contribute to it by killing everyone he's ever met and he'll be opening for Pearl Jam in no time. It's in our best interest as a nation, okay?

It's in these trying times that I had once considered converting to Islam, but instead I'm converting to K2. You know what the homeless people smoke out here? Don't they look so happy when they're passed out on the sidewalk? I want in on that.

So that's what I'm going to be doing after this set.

Thank you very much. Okay, here we go again. No note cards. That's a good sign. You had that memorized. It was that, but you had it memorized, you son of a bitch. And for that alone, we are grateful.

Can I?

Yes, Pauly Shore.

I just want to tell you, this show has fucking changed since last time I was on.

Yeah, it's true.

The fuck are the comedians, bro? What the fuck? I know this is a political fucking rally here. I know. I know.

The only ones here tonight are me and Roseanne, it seems to be. There's a wannabe host, control freak, and a sound effects specialist. Brian, okay, let's talk about it. Because you've been funny on this show before. I remember you. Yes. That was kind of a rough set. Yeah. I don't think anybody knows really. How many of you know what K2 is by a round of applause? Oh, a lot of dirty drug addicts in the room. I had never even heard of it before. Is that like fentanyl? What is that?

It's the synthetic weed that if people used to be on probation, they get drug tested. That's how it started. How it ended is all these people under the red light

losing their mind.

It's ketamine, right?

In the ballpark. I think it's like oregano with carpet cleaner on it. It's an unknown substance.

So people are smoking it. It's like homeless people?

Mostly, it's their favorite.

Okay. All right. Okay. Brian, remind us, what do you do for work? I was a hospitality ambassador downtown, but yeah.

Okay.

What happened?

Well, besides the dire fear of getting stabbed with a screwdriver, specifically what happened is I said the F word in the midst of a 911 call when I might've been distracted by someone else.

So sorry for the rough language. Tell us exactly what happened there as quickly as you can, Brian.

Without airing out another location on 6th Street, some people overdosed and the cops were coming around asking everyone about it. And someone said they had information about the case, and then they started passing out, and I'm just on the sidewalk wondering

what I did to deserve this.

Wow.

Are you on K2?

Not right now.

Not right now? Do you do it sometimes? What do you do? When you wanna let it rip and let loose, what exactly do you do? How when you want to let it rip and let loose what exactly do you do?

These days it's just smoking a blunt before the show because I honestly blame you for a little bit for Tony Cuz I had a viral moment the last time I was on what was that? What happened? I sang with the band and what did you sing? What happened? I was the the death metal thing I was making a bunch of noises like a caveman. It was fun. And then all of a sudden everyone wanted to party with me and it got out of control for about six months and we might have taken some time off

to get our priorities straight earlier this year. So because of the moment that you had on Kill Tony, people found you online, hit you up and said, hey, wanna do drugs and hang out? See me here on Sixth Street doing the clubs locally. Like, I'm sure you have people that want autographs and want pictures. I have people who want to party with me.

And I did.

Wow, well, I don't think you're gonna have to worry about that after tonight's showing.

Yeah.

I think there's a lot of people deleting their outbox and emails to you right now online.

Except for me, bro.

Yeah. bro yeah rock and roll I love it so Brian what do you do for work now we're on the job hunt and how long have you been unemployed exactly three weeks three weeks how much money do you have saved that's a question only asked in the kill Tony universe a lot of late-night shows and people like that they find it to be private and they wouldn't go for that and ask somebody that.

I love to find out. I consider this show raw and real and I love the fact because with you, I'm looking at you, brother, it could be fucking anything could be the answer right now. You could have inherited $3.5 million at some point. You could also have $45 and only Uber eats cash right now.

It could be anywhere. Tell us the honest answer. How much money do you have to survive and live off of right now? What is the net worth of Brian Cook?

$1,200.

Wow! Amazing.

There's an asterisk on that because I have rental assistance from the VA, so it's affordable. Okay, so that's great. So you have a little monthly check coming in. Yes. Amazing. And how much is that monthly check? $900. $870. What's your rent? The portion I pay is $600. $600 so you have about two months. To land something. To land something. Where do you see yourself being a good fit? You were once a hospitality ambassador somewhere downtown. Yeah the delivery driver thing was working out for years.

Being in the band by myself seemed to be a good place to be. So I'm open to that. But honestly, it's prospective employers out there. I have like appointments and shows here in life and other obligations. So I need that first half of the week off. If I could work the weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that'd be great.

Wow, awfully picky for a guy that nobody wants to hire. Pauly Shore.

I think you can work at Voodoo Donuts, bro.

Oh, good call.

Because I've been there lately. The people that are working there, they're very sweet, and they're very nice. But this guy is your hospitality major, bro. So when you walk in, you're like, welcome to Voodoo Donuts. You know what I mean? Let me hear you say it.

Welcome to Voodoo Donuts.

Yeah, you want some donuts with bacon on it?

We're gonna check in. That's good, Pauly. We're gonna check in with Roseanne Barnow.

I just wonder if, like, people started killing all your friends if you get funnier. Oh, I do. I love this.

We got the real Roseanne. We got sober, awesome, alive Roseanne tonight. Sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you guys, sometimes the last few appearances may be a little bit too much pre-gaming up in the green room.

Yeah, I got to stay away from the weed you got up there.

That is true, you do.

You know, it does make me out of my mind, and I act like Polly.

So...

So... So...

You missed it. Red Band and I just gave her a standing ovation. And we... You missed it. Red Band and I just gave her a standing ovation. And I don't think we've ever done that in 12 and a half years of doing this show. Almost 800 episodes. I don't think we've ever just given a guest a standing ovation.

Why did you give her a standing ovation? Why the fuck did you give me a standing ovation? I missed it, motherfucker.

I didn't see it Brian. We hope that you find a way to make money. We're gonna find out We're gonna get an update next time you're on how often you sign up for the show Brian It's been about every other week. Okay, two three times. Well, you'll get pulled again, and I expect a full update $1,200 he's got about $400 coming in every month and $600 rent. Follow it closely. That's Brian. Yeah, one more piece of advice from the great Roseanne Barr.

One piece of advice. I think you should act like you are drugged up. Because then that goes with your material. Because you're being real straight, doing this funky material. But I think you could pull it off

if you'd act like you were really eff'd up. You know what I mean? I it goes with your material. I accept your advice. Yeah, I

Absolutely again agree with the great Roseanne Barr ladies and gentlemen by you to the lucky duck I get two extra minutes in perpetuity is all right there. He goes Brian cook everybody Wow we're having fun here tonight some wacky bucket pulls and icons and legends giving feedback. This is about as much fun as it gets for me. Okay, we know this next bucket pull,

ladies and gentlemen. She has been on this show a few times before and it, they, them is a comedian here in Texas. Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, It, they, them is a comedian here in Texas.

Make some noise for Phoenix Provocateur, ladies and gentlemen.

♪♪♪

Whew, shit, I just got back from Dallas, popping my pussy everywhere I can. My dad would be so proud. And yes, I know my dad. He literally calls me every other birthday. I actually just turned 29 a few weeks ago, believe it or not. Yeah, yeah, make some noise, make some noise. Yes. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to have a pool party or just drink my pool

It was just a lot, but I think I think I'll be okay My beauty feels like it's still on an incline or at least the hormones are still doing their job if you know what I mean and and and Sucking dick is great for your jawline. If you't know that. If you didn't know, if you didn't know. I actually just broke a nail giving a handjob in the fucking back alley. Oh, hi, yeah.

Alright. Oh, I, yeah. All right. I must've missed the cough. Pauly thought he was dying for a second. Paul, are you okay? Was that a boner I just saw when you stood up a second ago?

When she coughed, I came in my pants.

I love it. One more time for Phoenix, everybody. Phoenix, welcome back to the show You know a lot of Texans might be confused when they see you meanwhile You know yourself better than the last two bucket pools it appears You were the only person to get any audible volume of laughter from the audience through your set Congratulations and welcome back. How's life been going for you Phoenix Phoenix? Pretty good, pretty good. Been trying to stay booked and busy.

Perfect. Remind us, the viewers in our esteemed panel, how long you've been doing standup?

It's been almost three years now.

Three years. And all of it, you are a trans woman, and always were. Yes. Right.

Well, I transitioned medically about three years ago as well. Maybe a little bit before I did comedy, but I've been socially transitioning since I was probably like 14.

Right. And medical means?

Hormones.

Right. And how are those affecting you? Is it still the same? Anything new? I always find it so interesting. Are you like feeling more like a woman every day?

Are you starting to get to like school shooter mode? You know these levels they have to be checked if you just keep taking stuff turns out It's not always good for everybody's brain, but you seem to have a good handle on yourself You seem very present you always have you don't own any guns right a rifle no perfect great tell us about it the hormones make me feel soft for

one and they keep me sane really because I I don't know what I mean I would look like this no matter what the case was like whether it was about being a woman or whatever I'd just be that bitch walking down the street being my own person. So they've kind of just helped me with the things, I guess fill out my aesthetic. That's, that's the main thing. Titties, nice skin, yeah.

Yeah. That's about it.

Amazing. And remind us, what do you do for work again?

I feel like you asked me this question a lot, but my main thing for work is the stage. I only work on stage.

What do you do on stage?

Drag, stand up, dancing, choreography, makeup.

I love it.

Anything.

You have a steady boyfriend?

I do.

How long you been with this guy?

It'll be six years at the end of the year.

Wow, look at that. A steady relationship.

Incredible.

These people that have their own vaginas and penises and stuff can't even figure it out. Meanwhile, a complex character like you, a six year relationship, having fun, being an artist, you make enough money to live comfortably? Or are you pulling a little Brian Cook out there, surviving off of what appears to be $400 a month.

He's the last comedian.

I make decent enough money to be comfortable, but I'm not super expensive. Like, this is a $7 dress with about $200 worth of stones on it that I did myself. So.

Yeah, OK. What does the boyfriend do for work he's a crane operator oh okay yes it's coming back to me now I remember the jokes that I made last time there's a lot of good crane operating jokes when the woman the girlfriend in the relationship probably I'm guessing has a huge cock am I right yes yes of course yeah sure Tonka You are you are tall. How tall are you without heels or whatever?

510. Oh, okay. Yeah

Just to get the visuals he wants to bend over in front of you

Wow, look at that

Look at that

Did you know I was a crane operator? For real, we want to come out. Why don't you just tell them that I'm the person that you've been dating for six years, please. Thank you.

Phoenix.

I haven't been paid to say it.

I love it. Phoenix, how has stand-up been going for you? Do you find yourself getting better, having more fun? Take us through your three-year process here.

Well, I've been hosting an open mic in Dallas with a new club that just kind of started. So kind of building a show there has given me the chance to be able just to speak a little bit more, even though I'm like shaky as fuck right now.

Sorry.

But yeah, it's been fun. Also hosting drag shows to where I'm used to, like, cussing out faggots and gay boys and all that other fun.

There you go. I'm pretty sure you can say that word, and it doesn't have to be bleeped, by the way.

Yeah.

Which word do you want me to say? D-Madness suddenly has to pee, everybody. Notorious resident homophobe of the show, D-Madness, needing an immediate pee.

I-I-I-I seen enough of this shit. Man, I gotta take a piss if I ever had to in my life. I haven't had a cup of water in three days, but I gotta piss all of a sudden. God damn it.

Well, that's fucked up, because who's going to tell him he has rainbow glasses on?

That's a good point. That's a good point. Look at this little rivalry. D-Madness versus She-Madness. This is incredible. Roseanne Barr.

I mean, this is an interesting predicament for you. A powerful woman that swings and punches like a man and has a huge cock.

Yes, I do.

It is.

It's way bigger than yours.

That's true. That's true. I agree.

I know.

I don't know about that. I've seen them both.

Anyways.

Well, I think you've got a great look.

Thank you.

And you have some presence on stage and some confidence. The only thing you ain't got is any jokes. And you should have. I mean, you should have a wealth of jokes and some snapbacks. You know, you should.

For sure.

For sure you should. And I don't know why you don't. And I'm mad at you because you don't. Because you know, you've been on both sides of the street, and you should have something to say about it.

Yeah.

Goddamn.

Why don't you?

Roseanne is dialed in.

Why don't you? You know, why don't you? You know, why don't you? You should tell us more about your dad. You tell us why he don't call you. You should be pissed off about it and have some shit to say, girl.

Ha ha ha ha!

Roseanne is batting 1,001% tonight.

Right. Well, I think part of the reason my dad doesn't call is because he watches this show. He watches this show religiously, so he's gonna be like, I don't want any relation with that thing.

Hold on a second. Was your dad a fan of the show before you started coming on it?

Yeah.

Did you know he was a fan before you started signing up?

I didn't. He called me like a week before, like my episode came out the first time and I was like oh well by the way I'm gonna be on that show next week and then my episode dropped did he not know about your life and everything no that's the whole every other birthday thing oh yeah

I mean he's probably gonna call me now he's no he watches it fuck Wow but yeah

well what what do you what would what do you want to say to him? Yeah, exactly something to him. Um

This is yours, where's my cake play some music please

Stick on your juice the red. Well, I guess it's blue tonight that little blue light over there. You see that? Yes

dad I'm sorry, every time you see me, I just get gayer and gayer.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Every time. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Thank you, Dad.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. But if you called more often, you wouldn't be surprised to know that I'm growing titties

and I keep my dick tucked between my fucking shoulder blades.

Again, Roseanne Barr with all three bucket pools is more of a pharmacist than a comedian tonight. She is giving the exact dose of advice that everybody needs and she's bringing this out in people. Phoenix, that's a perfect response to your father who's watching out there. How does it make you feel?

Before I let you go, because you know, you people. I just want to ask you, because I feel like America and maybe the world needs to hear it. How does it make you feel all the recent, oh boy. This is just one of those moments where I know I'm inside of a viral clip.

Fuck.

How does it make you feel all the school shootings and crime and assassinations? Because it's kind of like, you know, the trans thing, it was like getting big and popular and people were starting to get accepting and then all of a sudden just pop, pop, pop. Brrr, brrr, brrr. And it's like kind of, you know, a bad look for you people, which is crazy because you people had a bad look for many decades, and then all of a sudden we started coming around, and now it's like, you know,

we at first, we were worried about what's down there, and now we're kind of worried about what's up here. You know, how does this all make you feel? Like, I know that when I find out that an assassin isn't a fucking, you know, when you find out what they are, you know, I'm kind of like, oh, please don't be this, right?

So I'd imagine for you, when you find out, like, fuck, it's one of us. Kind of sucks, right?

I mean, but that's how I feel about white people in general.

When you say your people, do you mean boys, girls, blacks, tall people, what exactly do you mean?

The niggers, the beaters.

Okay.

Again, again, I'm pretty sure she can say it.

I wasn't done.

Yeah.

She's just talking about what's in her underwear right now, by the way.

Boom.

And, to answer your question, I love the free advertising, even if it does come from a fat Cheeto.

I missed it there.

The free advertising, because you asked about how everybody, how I feel about the attention, about everything. It's free advertising for me, because most people don't know a trans person, and then I walk around the corner, and lucky for them, I'm the first one.

Can we just ask what your dead name is?

That's a good question, Pauly.

My dead name?

Yeah.

Phillip. Oh. Go dead name? Yeah. Phillip.

Oh.

Remember Phillip, bro.

Phillip, that makes sense. Yeah. I could see that. PHPH.

Yep, yep.

Okay.

You have a picture of Phillip? Phillip in Phoenix?

No, I don't have it on me.

Pictures in the back. What do you think, she has that fucking old headshot or something on her? Yeah. So, Ph. Philip. Ph is in Phoenix. And Ph. levels are one thing that you'll never have to worry about as a woman.

That's actually not my dead name.

Oh. Okay.

My dead name is Byron.

Oh, okay. Wow.

Yep. Does it hurt to say it?

It just... it doesn't resonate anymore.

It's not who, it's dead. Yeah, basically, yeah. Now your vagina, is it better like the way it is now or before? It smells prettier.

Oh, it smells prettier?

Yeah.

I'm gonna let you guys finish this on a date tonight. Paulie and Phoenix, he's gonna try to operate that crane. Phoenix, thanks for coming on again. Fun times, we'll see you again soon.

Give it up, Byron, ladies and gentlemen.

No, don't call her that, you asshole. Put that fucking mic down.

Beautiful.

Phoenix Provocateur speaking directly to her father tonight. Look at the lovely Heidi. Her and Valerie's new podcast, Love on the Line is out now. By the way, this episode's brought to you by Bluetooth and ZipRecruiter.

Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Quo. Let's talk about something every business owner knows too well, missed calls. It's like watching money fly straight in your competitors' hands. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, formerly Open Phone, the smarter way to run your business communications.

Quo is the number one business phone system built for 2025, not 1995, with over 3000 reviews on G2. Quo works right from an app on your phone or computer. amazing. It's the best business phone system out there. Your whole team can share one number and collaborate on calls and texts like a shared inbox, meaning faster responses and happier customers. That's right. And Quo's not just a phone system, it's a smart system. They're built in AI log calls, write summaries, and even sets up the next steps. And hey, you can't answer the phone? Quo's AI agent can. Qualifying leads, routing calls to the right person and making sure no customer is ever left hanging even after hours

Quo's got your back. That's why over 90,000 businesses are already run on quo from solo operators to growing teams Quo helps businesses stay connected and look professional quo is offering our listeners 20% off your first six months at quo.com slash kill Tony That's q u o comm slash kill Tony. You can even keep your existing number for free. Quo, no missed calls, no missed customers. Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.

This podcast is sponsored by Mando Falls here, crisp air football, maybe a bonfire too. But if you're like most guys, you're still putting in hard work and yeah, that means sweat. Don't let body odor sideline you. Mando deodorant plus sweat control

is for real working guys. Formulated to stop odor before it starts and doesn't mask odor with overwhelming fragrance. So you can tackle anything from the job site to tailgating with confidence. Don't mask it, Mando it.

Here's the surprisingly good smelling Arabian. Tony, I love Mando. I put it on my feet and I personally use the bourbon leather whole body deodorant. I love how it keeps me smelling fresh throughout the day. Thank God. Mando's starter pack is perfect for new customers.

It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice, like mini body wash and deodorant wipes and free shipping. And as a special offer for our listeners, new customers get 20% off site-wide within our exclusive code. Use code Tony at shopmando.com for 20% off site-wide and free shipping.

S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O.com. And please tell them we sent you. We've got you covered. Say goodbye to sweat stains and hello to long lasting freshness with

Mando.

We have another golden ticket winner for you, ladies and gentlemen. This is very exciting. This young man was one of the first people to ever get awarded a golden ticket about six years ago, the day before his 21st birthday, because he cashed in the next day at the comedy store legally at the age of 21 on his 21st birthday. So we remember him well from Phoenix, Arizona, and now a New York City comedian.

This is a long-awaited return for those of you that have been fans for many years of Tristan Bowling, everybody. Make some noise for Tristan.

♪♪ Hey!

Kill Tony, how the fuck we feeling, huh?

Whoo!

Uh, a little about me. I'm a cat guy. I got two cats. You like cats?

Yeah?

Fine.

Yeah, pussy.

That's what I talk. When I say I love pussy, that's what I'm talking about. People are like, I want to crush it. I'm like, really?

I want to snuggle it.

But I got two snuggle it.

But I got two cats at home, I love them to death. I got a black cat and I got a Puerto Rican cat. I know she's Puerto Rican, alright? She rolls her R's when she meows. I mean like, tiny, what are you doing? She looks at me like, long nails and she's prone to violence. I posted me doing that joke on the internet and one of the comments asked me, what makes your other cat black?

He doesn't pay rent, I'm kidding. My name's Tristan, have a good night.

And that is the difference between a bucket pool and a true long time golden ticket winner, getting his golden ticket over six years ago and never resting, working almost nightly for years and years and years, took the big leap to New York City how long ago? Three years ago three years ago and at the time it was a big deal You were still right kind of living with their parents in Phoenix going out on New York on your own was a huge thing Yeah, look at you now crushing the hardest snapping punchlines of the night. Thank you

Thank you exactly what Roseanne has been asking everyone to do to fucking bring the heat.

Don't yell at me, Roseanne.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Please don't yell at me. I watched your show a lot.

No, I was gonna say, that's how we do it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Absolutely amazing, Tristan. So update us with your life. We haven't gotten to see you in a while. How's everything going?

Everything's going tight, dude. Me and, uh, actually, like, last Monday. Sup, D-Madness?

Oh, look who's back for the straight man.

This motherfucker put his penis in a vagina or not?

All right, I'll go back out. Is that fucking bitch dude gone? Tell us more Tristan.

No, last Monday me and my chick celebrated four years of being together. We just breathed.

D-Madness just breathed a sigh of relief, verbally, by the way.

D-Madness, you ain't gonna survive re-election, though, dude. I'm fucking a dude next. You ain't... No, I'm kidding.

Oh, there he goes. Has to eat. Has to pee again.

My bad. No, I love pussy. It's fun.

Hell yeah. So Tristan, tell us more. How's comedy been going? What's happening out in New York City?

It's been going good, dude. I've just been hanging out, just hanging out at a, I hang out at the stand a lot, see a lot of weird people coming through there. Just a lot of people getting fucked up, dude.

So I saw a chick piss in the hallway the other way, which is hard to do with the dick, but with a chick doing it, it's bonkers to see.

So exactly how exactly did she do that? Is that pants a skirt against a wall? How does that happen?

It was it was pants against like sitting. It was pretty impressive because she was doing like a perfect squat.

No, not against the wall against the wall. Oh, like a perfect like how you do it in like middle school and shit like that. Wow, 90 degree angle.

90 degree angle.

That's hard to hold for a while.

I know, her ass was fantastic. But it was just crazy because like, people would be like, excuse me, miss, you're pissing. And she's like, can you give me a second? Wow, she thought they the audacity Stop me. Yeah people get fucked up. That's a real thing Yeah, but it's been fun visiting here in Austin. Everyone's been trying to get me to move here, which is I know I'm like

I've been talking to my friends. They're like, this is my house. It's beautiful. I'm like how much do you pay for it? They're like 35 cents. Yeah, and I'm like fuck I live in a shoebox for so much money Dude, it's crazy. 2,900 for less than 1,000 square feet.

Wow.

Yeah, it's fun. It's fun.

Why not move here then? There's no state taxes. It's in the middle of the country.

So if you go on the road, it's perfect. What's holding you back? Do you know what? I know you have Parkinson's, I'm seeing your right hand. Dude, literally I watched my last interview last time

and I did the arm wiggle thing and I need to stop it.

Yeah.

Stationary. Strong, steadfast. I'm headstrong, ready to take you on.

We take on anyone.

No, yeah, arm is, dude, this arm

isn't gonna wiggle one fucking inch now. No, yeah, arm is, dude, this arm is gonna wiggle

one fucking inch now. No, I'm doing good, Tony. No, I definitely, I love the smell of underground piss.

That's one thing keeping me in New York.

We got that here. There's a little three block area that people talk about.

Dude, that is a militia zone.

Yeah.

That's fucking terrifying, dude. I, uh, no, the New York homeless, they like, you know, you walk past someone, they'll be like, I like your smile, God bless. And you'll be like, thank you, sir. But here they'll be like, I want to eat your teeth.

Yeah.

And...

It's funny. I think it's like a, it's like a thing. I think wherever you're on home field, like I like our eat your teeth people here, but when I'm in New York, that's where I got eat your teeth people. But they're not saying eat your teeth, they're saying something else and they seem aggressive. It's funny, New Yorkers come here, they're like, oh you're homeless. I'm like, what? I like know exactly what two

comedy clubs they bounced back and forth from By them acknowledging the homeless which is here and two blocks that way. Yeah, very whereas in New York They're over many miles of literally Absolute fucking insanity, it's more spread out so we get to know our homeless dude. We got a guy shout out stinkfoot

I love him.

Yeah, yeah.

He walks around, he's just smelly, and he'll go away, and you're like, fuck, did Stinkfoot die? But then he cleaned up, and you're like,

fuck yeah, you got shoes!

Motherfuckin' Stinkfoot with the new shoes. Tristan. Stinkfoot with the new shoes, dude. always been one of the more impressive features of the show and again tonight you prove that people working hard, having experience, utilizing their credit from the show and position and you've taken that golden ticket. You took it to New York with you and you just keep getting better. It's amazing to watch your growth. Again he won it the day before his 21st birthday in Phoenix and then literally cashed in on the show the next day in LA on his 21st.

So it's amazing to see Pauly Shore, who also started young, at the comedy.

I just met you the other night upstairs for a half a second. Yeah. Good work, I've never seen you before. Yeah. But it's nice to see how real this fucking show is. How people are really he's really fucking doing it. This guy really started here. This isn't fake,

man. You know, this is some real shit. You guys ever want to do it? He started. You probably weren't that good at the beginning, right? Well, that you're perfect. I said you probably weren't that. Do you have to speak English? What the fuck, bro? No, no. No, you probably weren't that good at the beginning and now you're great. No, I fucking ripped day one.

He was actually really good. We weren't handing out golden tickets that much back then. It was a very rare treat. So, you know, you go back six years, I think he was like one of the first five ever people to win it. Anyway, great stuff, buddy. You're doing it.

Back to New York with you. Go follow him, go find him. One of the big stars of the future. 26 now?

27.

27, wow. We met him when he was 20. There he goes, Tristan Bowling. You never know, any one of these people could be the next big thing. Everything's happening.

Your next bucket pool that we're going to meet or see again all together goes by the name of Austin Young, everybody. Make some noise for Austin Young. We know Austin.

What's going on, guys? So I've been living in Texas now for a while. I love living in Texas. My dad's a big fan that I live here. And he really wants me to get a gun. And here's the thing.

I've never owned a gun. And it's not for, like, political or moral reasons. It's just, um, I don't like to keep a gun in the house for the same reason I like to keep ice cream there. You know? I like to keep temptation away, all right? Because sometimes I get sad and I have no self-control. So I don't need that in my life.

But my dad's like really adamant about it. He's like, Austin, you're a Texan now. You got to get yourself a gun. Like, what are you going to do for home defense? How are you going to protect yourself? Somebody breaks in.

I say, listen, dad, I am six foot four and over 300 pounds and I sleep naked all right that is scarier than any man with a gun could ever be all right I got the body of Shrek in the face of a toddler can you imagine seeing this just running out of the darkness

fucking terrifying dude thank you fuck yes boomum has found this episode Austin young absolutely crushing with exactly a minute Unbelievable stuff funny about you honest to you Real yeah, no one here would want to walk in on that in the middle of the night that is scarier than a gun Yeah, has anything like that ever happened you ever have any home invaders or anything? would want to walk in on that in the middle of the night. That is scarier than a gun. Has anything like that ever happened?

You ever have any home invaders or anything?

No, no bumps in the night or nothing like that. I love it.

I love it. They probably hear you're snoring and they're like, oh, there's a, there's 10 lions in there right now. We should probably go rob another apartment. Yeah, I have really bad sleep apnea. I bet you do. It's horrible. I can't even fucking imagine. Tell us about that. Do you even fall all the way asleep all the way? I die every night. Yeah.

It's really bad. Tell us more. Like is it just kind of you just kind of like... It's a health risk for sure.

Have you talked to a doctor about this? Yeah, I had to get it because I'm a truck driver, so they wouldn't prescribe me, they wouldn't give me my medical card until I got a CPAP machine. But like I had to get a sleep study, and they're like, you'd probably like stop breathing 15 times a night. And I'm just like, all right.

Wow.

So your CPAP machine, is that like an extra strong one or is it all normal I don't understand how that works I don't know but all red bands laughing at me like oh look who doesn't know about CPAP machines over here our senior CPAP correspondent Brian red band I just asked the how dare you laugh at my CPAP question it was a 3xl one like like three different. No, that's just my shirt size

No, it blows air like a son of a bitch for sure that's

So Austin remind us what do you do for work? I'm your truck driver still I was a truck driver

I'm no longer a truck driver. I actually work at Sunset Strip. Oh

well, well, well.

The comedy, what's it like working for Brian Redband?

He's just like the coolest guy ever, you know? He's just like, yeah.

Wow, do you guys share CPAP machines sometimes? You guys take a little nap at work together, just fucking hook up and pass out?

Yeah, we swap nasal guards.

I love it.

What do you do for fun, Austin?

For fun, you know, I go to Barton Springs. That's pretty fun. Yeah, that's my favorite spot.

You do?

Yeah.

Wow, do you do cannonballs and freak everybody out?

Yeah, I do that. It's pretty fun.

It's nice. Amazing. Yeah, it's a dope spot. Is the allergies affecting you at all? I've been hit by the allergies the last couple days. Nah, I'm good. I'm not a bitch. Wow! Look at that! Amazing. Amazing. I'm gonna have to remind myself of what a bitch I am when I lay my head on my pillow and don't have to strap a unit to myself. You fucking ticking time bomb.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Alright. Jesus fucking Christ. All right.

Okay.

You'll never believe who wants me to ask you this, but I just got a... I have one question. Do you have a girlfriend?

I do not.

Well...

Why not?

Why not?

Yeah.

I don't know.

You think...

I try my fucking hardest, Tony.

When you say you try your hardest, what does that mean exactly?

I mean, I'll ask a lady out and then it just kind of, I don't know, I just get really nervous and I bring up January 6th and then that's about it.

Oh, yep.

That's about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're so fucking funny.

Say that.

You're so fucking funny. Oh, thank you. I swear, you are. Oh, thank you. You are really, really funny. You got it all there.

You got all the elements it takes. You're likable. You're just got a funny outlook. I mean, you're just funny. I want to see you put your shit together. And I think you're gonna kill.

I really think you got it. You got it going on. Yeah.

You are a star.

Pauly Shore.

He's like, he's kind of, you kind of remind me like a baby, baby, Gabriel. A baby.

A baby-al-riel Inglis, yes.

No, he's so likable. I love your smile, it's beautiful. Don't ever change your smile.

I never will.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Can I squeeze your tits?

Yeah, of course, go for it.

You really are.

My man Buster, my man Buster.

You really are a star. It's incredible I'm hard as hell you're like John too much candy you're like soon-to-be-gone Belushi you call me fat in the most creative ways it's not easy I get a lot of practice with the great red band here. Yes, Roseanne.

Did you ever try to go on a diet at all?

Great question.

I just want to hear what you're going to say.

Here and there. I used to be bigger. I was like 4'20".

He starts dieting.

That's how big I was, yeah.

He starts dieting sometimes, and then he gets nervous and brings up January 6th when it ends.

No, but I mean, do you want to lose weight?

Of course.

I'll try.

Try it.

What stops you?

Eating disorder?

I don't know. I don't know.

General sadness, I guess. General sadness sounds like some type of military leader.

What's your favorite sandwich?

Corned beef hash.

Wow, just take note. That answer came in, we're getting word. It came in .02 two seconds ladies and gentlemen unbelievable that was the fastest answer in the history of the show I'm getting word from Guinness right now that you've set about seven records here tonight most of them all fat things have you ever tried or thought about Ozempick doesn't eat your bones or something that's what you're worried about dude. The thing, your bones are most in danger of getting eaten by you.

Oh, Pauly liked that one. The host of the show, Pauly Shore, giving me some credit over here. I'm just on panel tonight. You know what? Yeah, Paulie?

You know why he answered to that so quick?

Why?

Because chubby people love sandwiches.

They do.

They love sandwiches, right?

Oh, but Paulie's having a real breakthrough here from 2 and 1 1 minutes ago. Hey, you guys remember that thing with the phoenix and Philip and all that? You know why? Because she had a pee-pee.

Red band. Austin, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. And like that, even though he works there, he's going from the door, checking IDs, to on stage this Thursday. Austin, you already have a big joke book.

Is it filled up?

Not yet.

Okay, well, then keep working on it.

I would love another one of

his oh well in that case the guy that just says no fucking does no chill whatsoever there you go a true star Austin Young ladies and gentlemen this show is so fun we have some momentum now anything Anything can happen. Two strong comedian performances in a row. Back to the bucket we go with Blake Jones everybody. Blake Jones.

What's up y'all? How we doing? Yes I look like ZZ Bottom. I... I look like the Duck Dynasty brother that got kicked out for doing gay shit. Just... I don't want to hunt duck no more, daddy. I want to hunt dick. No, I'm not gay. I swear.

I'm getting old. My mom was making fun of me. She's like, Blake, you're 40. Please turn your fucking hat around. And I was like, mama, I can't, because when I do, I'm starting to look like Forrest Gump, you know, just... I saw Ronnie. I gotta shave, dude.

I gotta shave, because the women that tend to like this beard also tend to like Oxycontin.

It's getting...

It's a lot of them Tweety Bird shirts at the gas station, bitches. Just... Cookie Monster pajama pants and Crocs, you know like

You guys know Heather hell yeah

Her daddy ain't been right since Dale Earnhardt died like it's good. I

Had a woman recently I was walking down the street. She grabbed me by the beard and kissed me

No, so one of you said what he said. Well, no, she was bigger than me. That's assault, dude.

Guys, I've been Blake Jones. Thank you so much.

Boom, another one. Blake Jones, welcome to the show. Blake, have you been on before?

Negative.

Amazing, well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup?

About five, six years.

I took a break, but yeah. Where at? in the Bay Area and then just moved to Houston. Awesome. What made you pick Houston? I'm a cloud engineer. I got a job.

I got a job off of oilfields.

So you have a real, real job.

Yeah.

Well, I got laid off, but yeah.

What exact...

Oh, you're already laid off?

Yeah.

How long ago did that happen?

Like two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago. is a cloud engineer you said? Well it's not the weather, I'm not Jewish. It's like a software engineer but for the cloud.

Amazing, you don't look like you would do that.

No, I have stag bodies, I don't know.

So what made them lay you off two weeks ago?

They're just cuts, we bought Marathon Oil and then so they're doing cuts, yeah.

And what are you doing to survive? What's the plan? you have a specialty and Now two weeks of complete nothing. No, I mean, I'll just get another cloud job. Like it's there's enough tech You're in high demand. Yeah. Yeah, there's not a lot of me How long have you been in Houston about a year and a half? Have you fallen in love with it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like the Bay Area of the south

It's just like it's got more racism

Yeah, there's a lot of tech yeah

Homeless shit. It's not that bad. It's the Bay Area is way worse on the homeless, you know, everybody bitches, but it's not

I love it. Blake. What do you do for fun?

I collect sports cards like what kind mainly baseball and wrestling those sell the best like I guess it's fun

But it's also like a job

Yesterday just for fun. I typed in to the eBay search engine just broadly I just typed in the words OJ Simpson just to see what would pop up and well my buddy Shane Gillis took part in the auction they auctioned off a bunch of stuff and he got so many cool things and it's I'm honestly jealous of Shane, yet again. Yeah, he got like all of OJ's old ties and an autographed thing that hung on OJ's wall,

autographed by Bill Clinton. So it's Bill Clinton and OJ Simpson on the golf course, just two absolute fucking criminals. And so I think it's like the coolest thing that he was able to at an online auction buy this stuff that belonged to the OJ Simpson estate Anyway, I forget what I was oh, there's so many fucking OJ cards available. Do you have any OJ cards? No, no

I've got some the Undertaker. I mean like yeah both murderers, you know, that's how that yeah

One of them's not really a murder yeah it's written oh gee anyway I bought an OJ card it came today and I opened it first thing that happened I got a paper cut so you know it's a real OJ Simpson car there you go that's like a that's like a late-night show joke about paper cut anyway I'm moving on. Anyway, we're back to Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Oh, oh, oh, I just want to say that America needs my,

shut the fuck up.

Anyway.

All right. That's my Jimmy Kimmel impression. We love Don Barris, but Jimmy's gay. Anyway. Blake, tell us the craziest thing that you've ever had happen to your life. You, the beard, the hair, the skin tone, it tells us that you've seen a lot.

You seem like the kind of guy that would eat Oxycontin candy.

I mean, I have, yeah. I just had back surgery so I was on Oxy's. That was bad. Yeah, I just had back surgery, so I was on oxys. That was bad. Yeah.

Crazy thing, I tried to buy an ambulance once.

Ooh.

Yeah, when I was getting out of the Marine Corps, me and my buddy tried to get the small business VA loan to buy an ambulance to create a bangbulance.

Oh yeah, that would be different. I've never seen a bangbulance.

Yeah, they denied it. It was...

Wow. I've never seen a bang me once yeah, they denied it it was

That would have been a smart thing right so instead of like a gangbang bus or whatever it is You pick up the person that needs help and then they get fucked yeah

I mean I was gonna use me, but yeah, we can pick people up

I guess is that something that you are interested in doing or you see yourself having the Capabilities and accessories and parts to be a successful porn star No, I'd imagine the pubes are out of control Fucking bare floors, baby. You know, it's yeah by you mean bear be a har I've growled at pussy before I don't know I do too when I see pussy. I go stay away I'm getting I'm straight Roseanne's you

Okay Blake Jones, so You're working in Houston. How often you sign up for the show? I've been coming like the last month and a half probably you make this two and a half three hour drive

Every Monday. Yeah, right like six seven weeks in a row now. Stop it Bucky's halfway you bastard

But goddamn right now, let's talk about that my friend. What is your go-to order at Bucky's? What what did they have you hooked on?

I like the sliced brisket. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. And they got rid of my favorite snack though. They had the cookie dough bites they just got rid of them I don't know like yeah they're fucking gone dude yeah I actually knew

they got rid of their cookie dough bites when I walked by Red Bands place and his flag was flying at half-staff I'm like what is going on and then I I immediately knew Bucky's supposed to have gotten rid of their cookie dough bites. Burr burr burr! I wish we had horn players here that could fuckin' I wish I, I wish I, I wish I spent $1,500 at night on fuckin' horn players. You sons of bitches! Fuckin' do something you fuckin' god damn

bastards or I'm calling ice

There you go there you go, that's what you

Cut all right all right, that's enough you playing that, I'm gonna call ICE on ya. Alright. It's fun nowadays. You really get to use anything. You can get a Mexican to do anything nowadays. It's incredible.

I love it. Alright.

Blake, so fucking awesome. The momentum of the show is incredible. Three in a row, uh, good comedians, and you are that third. Here's a big joke book. Come back again, sign up again. Blake Jones, everybody. Blake Jones, Blake Jones.

You know Mike Jones?

You know Mike Jones?

All right, back to the bucket we go. We have the legends. How about one more time for Pauly and Roseanne hanging out with us? What a fucking special treat. When I started stand up 18 and a half years ago,

I mean, holy shit, to think that I'd be here with you guys wanting to be on a show like mine, such an honor. Incredible. I love you. Your next bucket full goes by the name

of Eric McVay, everybody. Here we go.

♪♪

I like to fuck cancer patients. Not because they still deserve to get penis, but because I don't have to worry about pulling out. All right, now, I think this new generation of butt-stuffers and ass-eaters is doing it wrong. See, when I was growing up, it was considered real sexual

for a woman to taste herself. So after you'd put your dick in her pussy, she'd suck her juices off right? now personally I haven't put my dick in the diarrhea dungeon because when I was younger I concocted this irrational fear that when I pulled out I'd have a piece of shit corn stuck in my pee hole then I'd have to shoot my way out of that ass with

my own pee pee gun. I wonder if that's how the Indian women get their red dots. That's my time. I'm Eric. Thanks.

Eric McVay. Fantastic material. Great. You know, can you be my writer, please?

Eric McVay, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, correct? Yes, sir. Have you been doing stand-up between eight and nine months?

No, a little less than that. I started a few years ago when I had a bad experience. So I took a break for a while.

Well, looks like you just had another one. So what was the bad experience from a few years ago?

It was just a bad experience.

By the way, take note of how hard Roseanne and Pauly are laughing, because the thought of quitting because of a bad experience is hilarious to them.

Well, I'm from Connecticut, which is real small, obviously.

Ooh.

And, uh...

The borders of your state control your destiny.

So, the promoter at the time, the guy that was booking everybody, was just a real sleazeball, and it just gave me a bad taste in my mouth.

Wow.

Okay.

Did that mean he came in your mouth?

No.

So, you quit comedy because the booker was a sleazeball. Amazing. And how long have you been back at it again?

Just recently. I moved here about eight months ago. I've only been at it a few months.

So when I said eight to nine, how long did you do it the first time?

Probably about six months.

About six months, and now you've been doing it a few months. Let's add that together. Because I wrote down, Redman is a witness to this, I have eight dash nine months, and you know how I know you've been doing it between eight and nine months total?

Because you're the man?

That's what I would say if I wasn't in public right now. But I actually know, because you came out guns a-blazing correct. I've been fucking cancer patients. You had everybody immediately, instead of what someone that has been doing it four months or less

would do, which is, how you guys doing? Kill Tony.

And then everybody's like, yeah, come on, fucko. Right? Rookie mistake. And it's also something that a veteran of comedy would do. How you guys doing?

Great.

Momentum, momentum, momentum. Riding off of that. You didn't do that. You came out with a fundamental, strong start of cancer patients. You had us all bought in on the premise.

And then it all went downhill from there do you know that coming inside of cancer patients first of all sometimes they survive yeah yeah so the premise is a little bit wobbly radiation therapy would kill anything that's inside them Tony whoa our senior cancer fucking correspondent Brian Redband is here.

Wow, look at that.

Give it up for Brian Redband. He's our friend.

Yeah. We figured out how he cheered himself up after Bucky's cookie dough bites went out. He started nutting inside of cancer patients. Alright. Eric, what do you do for work? I'm a driver for FedEx. Okay. Wow. Okay. Very good. FedEx. I'm never

sending anything through FedEx. Or accepting anything through FedEx. He just got himself fired bro. No. See? No. He's gonna. Your act was terrifying. Very terrifying. terrifying very terrifying

you gotta go for shock and awe sometimes it is, it is, you have that's, again, that's, you know you just gotta be able to finish these big premises if you're gonna go into them you got it though, which is its own talent, having an eye for a good

premise and having the control and performance

punchlines, yes, punchlines are important, it's a one-two and having the control and performance. Punch lines.

Yes, punch lines are important. How the hell? It's a one-two punch. You have the package, but you need to deliver it to the doorstep.

I got you.

I like your premise, but where you go, you're taking a long route. You're taking too many right turns to save gas or whatever the fuck you guys do. Eric, what's your love life like? Are you as lonely as you look?

No, no, no.

I'm in a relationship.

You're in a relationship. How long has that been for?

About a year and a half.

Okay.

What does she do?

She works at a kid's dentist.

Oh, adorable.

And she talks too much.

Wow. Oh adorable, and she talks too much Okay, when does she talk too much all day? Okay as soon as I get home Wow, what does she talk with you about just her day just normal relationship stuff Does she normally complain about the kids or the dentist boss of hers?

the kids Screaming kids. She'll send me videos of like kids screaming in the back. Sounds like torture.

Red band does that to me sometimes. They'll send me a video of kids screaming in the back. Is this the first woman you've ever dated?

Yeah.

I notice they talk a lot and they don't have a pee pee. Alright. and they don't have a peepee. All right. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Eric McVay. Something that makes you different than everybody else. Something you've seen or done or been part of, perhaps that has to do with your family or something.

When I was in high school, I ended up working for 50 Cent,

Curtis Jackson, as a lifeguard.

You were... hold on. When you say lifeguard, do you mean you were his personal lifeguard for when he's swimming?

So he threw a party for Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Oh, my God. Now, I've already told you that you have unbelievably good premises with no finish. This is exactly that. Being a lifeguard at the Reverend Jesse Jackson's house, hired by 50 Cent, is fucking unbelievable.

So I'm guessing, as everyone here is assuming, that you spent the entire day saving people's lives.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. It was the most work I've ever done, ever. Every 30 seconds, we were jumping back in the pool. Oh, my God. 30 seconds.

And why is that?

Oh, well.

Well, when they start to walk to the deep end, they can't touch anymore. Who's they? So then they start to walk to the deep end, they can't touch anymore. So then they start... The younger kids...

Hell yeah. It's like if Baywatch was on BET or something, right? Holy shit. Oh my god. So really, I mean, it was... there was a lot of work, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I paid $100 an hour though, so it wasn't too bad.

Okay.

Where do you get the ideas for your jokes?

Good question.

Well, I just think of a lot of random stuff, and I just tend to write it down and keep notes and...

But it's all sexually perverse.

Sometimes. Yeah. What's a joke you have that's not sexually perverse? You talked about coming inside of cancer patients

and then... And then he talked about pulling your dick out and having pee poopy on it. Yeah. That's disgusting, right?

Yeah, there was pee poopy on it. That's not good

Yeah

Give us a joke ladies and gentlemen

You got one you have one in mind a single joke from your eight to nine month long career

Total after you that's not dirty? Yeah. That's not sexual. It can be dirty, but not sexually perverse, Roseanne's asking for. Kino with a single spotlight, and here we go.

Whoo! Whoo!

The pressure is on. He's closed one eye to try to force the joke to the front of his brain. This is real life, ladies and gentlemen. You can't make it up. Eric McVay trying to summon his one non-sexually perverse joke.

And here we go.

It's sexually perverse.

Oh, well, then, that's, uh, you could turn the lights back up. I'm trying to... Eric, I like your style, though. Come back again. Here is a medium-sized joke book. All right, there you go. Eric McVay, everybody.

One more time for Eric, everyone. He's still trying to pick up the joke book. Eric, you have great premises. You have to finish the thing. Put the mic back where you found it, up there. Now turn the little thing out so that the KT points to the crowd.

There you go. There he goes, Eric McVay, everybody. Ha ha ha ha. I have a special treat for all of you. Oh my goodness, the lovely Valerie Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen. Her and Heidi normally only split duties in sold-out arenas, but here we are.

A very special episode at the Mothership as they're recording episodes of their podcast. I have a special treat for y'all. This guy is not a golden ticket winner or a regular, but I just find him to be a compelling, interesting, aesthetically pleasing joke writer and joke teller. Make some noise for the long-awaited return of Sir Winston Pickles!

🎵

What's with the traffic on I-35 tonight? There were more arseholes on I-35 than in Ed Gein's lampshade collection. Talking of Ed Gein's, my neighbour was arrested yesterday for cutting his wife and kids up with a chainsaw. I know, I was appalled. I only went to see him last week and asked to borrow a chainsaw. He said he didn't own one. No one likes a liar, Derek.

What's with the 15 mile per hour school zones in this country? I always floor it to 75 miles per hour. There's no way I'm taking a bullet in those fucking war zones.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I get a lot of hassle for my jokes. I did a dyslexia joke last week and you should see the blowback my neighbors again Thank you, my name is the Winston Pickles you've been wonderful sir Winston Pickles

Dark premises with punchlines. It's almost incredible. That's exactly the note from the last comedian. And you are living that dream, Sir Winston Pickles. Look at you. And you're only slightly paler than Eric McVeigh was.

Yes, slightly.

Welcome back, Sir Winston. Remind us all, how long you been doing stand-up?

Six years stand-up, ten years in whiteface.

Yes.

I do the whiteface because blackface is frowned

upon that is true it's all the same to D madness though unless you're Jimmy Kimmel that's true that's true another Kimmel reference Jimmy did blackface guys so good at fake crying

Sir Winston Pickles, let's talk about something we haven't talked about before

What is something in your life that we don't haven't found out about you just yet

I've had multiple occupations coal miner was one of them

So you did do black face? I did do blackface at one point. Yes I did. What else? What other jobs did you have? Coal miner. I've been a sandblaster. I've been a Premier League photographer. Wow a sandblaster. That's when you go to the Middle East and fight for our military. You fight for the British military. Blast the sand people. Lasers. Yeah amazing. So coal miner, a sand sandblaster what was the third thing premier league photographer what is football we call it that's right premier in your world that's right absolutely amazing and what made you

stop being a photographer. Licensing laws.

Licensing what? Licensing laws. Oh.

Yes sir.

Okay. People got greedy wanting too much of my money, so I build on it.

Got it, got it.

Okay, Sir Winston, how's living in Texas going for you?

It's cool enough now, which is just as well.

Is it hard on the hot days with?

Not as hot as

Florida believe it or not right does your makeup run no it's waterproof so amazing amazing what else sir Winston pick how do you wash it off then actually I'm getting word that is the smartest question red bands ever asked in the history of the show. Unbelievable. You never know what another episode of Kill Tony will bring.

Alcohol.

Yes, alcohol. So you have to go all over the head? You just like fucking dump it?

Yeah, and just wipe it away.

Wow. And you do, you go full face every day? You take some days off?

Some days, yeah. Let my skin breathe a little bit.

What do you do on those days when you're just Winston Pickles?

Well, I'm trying to avoid all the weird emails I'm getting lately from these clown fetish people we once talked about.

Ooh, they wanna see your pickle.

Yes, they wanna see my pickle.

Yes, the old Sir Winston. They have amassed in numbers now, Tony, so... Absolutely. Pauly Shore, you seem like you've been, had experience with clowns in your life. What do you think about Sir Winston Pickles?

Well, I just want to know what he does. I mean, you do stand-up, but what else do you do?

Just stand-up.

That's it? That's it.

Wow. Okay. You can do other things too. You can sing like David Bowie. No. You have a David Bowie voice.

I have a David Bowie voice. Yeah, well a dead one.

No, it's a beautiful voice. People love David Bowie. Have you ever seen that movie Powder? Yes. Yeah, you remind me of the guy from Powder. You could be an actor as well. There's a lot of things you can do,

Señor Pickle. from powder. You could be an actor as well. There's a lot of things you can do, Señor Pickle. You can go down to the bayou and you can maybe get some crazy stuff and some ostriches and maybe you can go there and see a whole bunch of things.

Yes, things that famous in England are bayous and ostriches. Your knowledge of the Brits is incredible, Polly. I'm going to check in with our, the Queen, Roseanne Barr.

I think it's really original what you're doing. I mean, I like the idea of, you know, the clown with really dark jokes.

Well, thank you.

I think that's really original. And I like you getting really really really dark about serial killers and

stuff like that I think it's well my neighbors think I'm a serial killer so

you're what my neighbors they think I'm a serial yes without a doubt we still kind of think you might be a serial killer by the way it's a lot of people

that think you're a serial I think you I think it's an intriguing act that you can really work with it. I mean I'm intrigued by it. Thank you And you have good punchlines with it, too. Yes, so keep on yeah

Thank you follow it gets a little bit scarier. I agree. I like that note I like it lean into the darkness a little bit more. Yeah, lean into it more. Your social media is great. I follow you on Instagram and your videos, you're like daily, you do these cool one-liners.

15-minute one-liners, yes.

Yeah, they're great. Is it Sir Winston Pickles? Just straight up?

Instagram, yes.

On Instagram. Okay, perfect. Follow him there. Thank you, Sir Winston sir Winston pickles a fantastic performance always Fun to watch right man. I'd love to have you on the secret show again Thursday Thursday night Here book real show in the city of Austin Dino he knows excited about the booking of sir Winston pickles. Oh, okay. I've been informed that this bucket pool is on the inside. It's one of you, ladies and gentlemen. One of you that signed up.

Make some noise for Zip, everyone. Zip!

We got inside lights? Is that possible? No? Zip? Any movement? Is that Zip? Keno? Is that zip?

Kino, you got inside lights, Kino? No? Okay. We got movement, is that zip? Nope, that's a guy going pee. Now is a funny time to go pee.

All right. Let's do something very special then while we go wrangle this next bucket pool. You can turn those inside lights off, Kino, as I present to you one of the greatest brand-new forces of nature in the Kill Tony universe. I mean, oh my goodness. This kid is taking off. I present to you, who may be the newest,

biggest star of this year, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Timmy Nobrik!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! All right.

You dumbass retards like impressions? Okay. This is an impression of a generic white guy named Tim Stiefler from San Diego, okay? Okay, uh, who likes charades? yes horny okay there is none of time um

it was it was it was horny officer gives Asian girl huge cream pie after deep cavity surgery.

Wow.

Just when you...

That was my impression of a generic white guy named Tim Staplet from San Diego and I'm glad I'm not that pussy.

That guy fucking sucks.

Wow. I'm not that pussy. Ha ha ha ha ha I got fucking socks Wow the force of nature the Undeniable anomaly Timmy no brakes is back, and we've never seen anything like that before We never thought we'd see an impression of what appears to be just a normal human being the boring sad

little Jew Is he a Jew is that a thing? Yeah, I'm working on him. I made him Jewish. Um, small dick Jew. I shaved off about four inches of my cock for the character.

Went pretty method on it. Yeah. Amazing, Timmy. I mean, an absolute superstar. So many trademarks, such a freak. People say, release the doves. He famously, he famously, at Madison Square Garden on Netflix.

Roll the clip.

Roll the clip right now. There it is. A dove fell out of his leather jacket when he came out. And then he said, release the doves, and opened his jacket, and one more dove fell out because a dove accidentally fell out.

It was intentional, Tone. I don't like your tone, Tone.

Ha ha ha.

Timmy, you know me. Nothing but respect. Whatever you want, whatever you need, you're the only...

Whatever I want?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I took care of the interview tonight. Here are your scripts.

Amazing, absolutely perfect. Okay, so-

And then this one is for D-Madness.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Okay, I'm gonna do scene directions. I'll be reading for myself. Tony, you have the first line.

Wow, you are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell the, uh... The, uh... Actually, I can't do this. I need to be honest with everyone. I've waited long enough. Spotlight.

A spotlight shines on Tom.

♪ ♪ ♪

I have AIDS. ♪ We're good on the spotlight.

The lighting returns to normal as the rock monster from Fantastic Four strikes a sad tune.

That's obviously you. No, okay, what the fuck?

Sex, man, you've seen this one.

John, these place had keys. Take it, red band. Wait, you have AIDS? I think you're playing yourself in this, by the way. Yeah, it's, uh...

It's stage four.

When it's stage four, you turn red. And then you're like, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

And then you're like, Yeah, it's, uh... It's stage four.

When it's stage four, you turn red.

There has to be a cure.

Maybe Joe Rogan has a supplement for it.

Tone shushes Red Band

by gently pressing a single finger to Red Band's lips.

I already tried elk piss. Look. We, we, we, we knew my promiscuous gay lifestyle would catch up to me sometime. You have to let me go and you have to host this show. I don't think I'm ready, Tony. Don't think, Redman. Just do.

The music subsides as a drumroll begins. Redman...quietly. Redman takes a deep breath, preparing to deliver one of the funniest riffs in the show's history. Three, two, one.

Oh, God, Tony.

If you have AIDS, then why does it taste like you have so much more?

Never mind, Timmy.

It bombs really hard.

Yes. Never mind, Timmy.

You host the show.

Tony stands, clutches his hands together, and does that weird little thing where he shakes it on either side. Then he leaves behind the curtains. Timmy! Heidi, let's get a basket of garlic bread for the table. Heidi enters. Overcome with desire, she goes down on Timmy.

Timmy comes. Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Alright, we're good on Heidi?

Should we go back to the bucket? You know, I got a better idea. All right, we're good on Heidi? Should we go back to the bucket?

You know, I got a better idea. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage take it from the top. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage is without a doubt going to have the best minute in the show's history. The combination of words and sounds coming out of his face will

change comedy forever. There is absolutely no way he won't live up to the hype I am building for him right now. He has only appeared on this show 741 times. He is the roaster of Rwanda, the Bermuda bump boy, the Napoleon of complex.

Some people are saying the next big thing, this is Tony Tripp! so I love you, Tony!

Well, uh... Man, these lights sure are bright. How we doing, Kill Tony audience?

Not so easy is it bitch?

It was very easy, that was a minute for me.

Okay, let's start the interview. Tone, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Oh, this is improvised. Oh. I've been doing it 18 and a half years.

18 and a half years.

Yeah, I started at the comedy store. Okay. Moved here five years ago.

So 18 and a half years, Tone. Uh-huh. Okay, let's, um, let's do this. I want to hear your best joke in 18 and a half years.

No pressure, Tom.

Wow.

Let's just see your best joke.

So glad you asked, Timmy. And let me tell you, what you've built here is absolutely incredible. I gotta say, the opportunities that you give people.

Here's a small joke book.

And that's how you catch a small joke book. We

can go all day. Okay, D, hate your line. You have the final line, D. By the way, this thing

is completely improvised. I had no idea you were going to do this. And I had to pee so fucking bad that I went pee and while I was doing it I actually read that you did write D Madness's part out Is it okay?

Can I read that? Yeah, I I forgot D doesn't know how to read

Yeah, you could take it Tom you could take it, Tom. You can take it. And I mean, it's real. It says D-Madness. You see that? Say dig it, cats. I'm about to piss my drawers, you feel me? Need a righteous brother to haul my black ass to the john quick like ah shit too late done baptized my britches eight-tone sip this elf piss might cure the AIDS you dig ha just jiving slim type shit

and scene And scene! Okay! Timmy No Brakes! Good night, New Jersey!

Timmy motherfucking No Brakes, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, he told me, all he told me is that he was gonna try something crazy tonight. And the fucking kid is unbelievable.

I mean, he's the greatest thing in the world.

That guy just kills me.

He's so great. I've never seen anything like it.

Full command, full control.

Don't you agree

yeah and that's exactly how i felt about him since the first time i saw him you know a lot of people are like ah he sounds like dice he's doing dice but it's like that's a totally different he's doing a retarded version of that yeah and in control oh somehow more even confident version a super controller of everything, light, sound and elements.

He's making fun of all show business. Yes. Which is just so original and so great. When I saw that guy, I told my son, Jake, I go, Why am I not married to that fucker? Yeah.

You know.

You're exactly right.

He's somebody I would have liked.

He's making fun of show business.

Yeah, and it's genius. He's genius level.

I just love him. One of my favorite things I've ever seen him do is at Madison Square Garden, he said, pop open the roof, I want the natural moonlight for this.

I know, it's so genius. Nobody's ever gone to that level.

Exactly.

Anti-sh- it's like Andy Kaufman shit.

Exactly.

I mean, you guys are so lucky that we got to be here with you.

It's amazing. This show, as corny as it sounds, we are lucky because the people that really think or that are, you know, that talented to be the next thing, I, you know cams on fucking SNL every week And isn't that fun? He's the reason why people are watching You know a lot of people are watching that show and whatnot pulling out the rock and everything, you know It's a whole thing. How about one more time for Timmy no breaks

All right. We're going deep into this episode right now. It's a long one, but we're having fun. What time do we start? Okay, we're gonna meet this person. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Second Cumming. Is that right?

Second Cunaming. All right, here we go.

Hello world. If one of you guys get abducted and ask for your leader, come to me. My name is Adam Dyes, and I am the second coming. Second, if you break it down, say, condi kind of sounds like somebody deceiving somebody

about the size of their dick. But really, we know second is really second because the second unit of measure in an hour, there's minute and there's second. So when somebody says it's gonna take a second, it's implied it's gonna be more than one always.

Kind of like when I told my kids I'd be back in a second. Now I'm in my second week in Austin, fucking off with y'all, shit. And my second year away from them I remember way back when I was seconds into a sexual session with my ex and she was like pull out pull out pull out and I was like in a second now we have a second child I should have about what

17 oh that's a minute you

thought you had for your time I'm gonna cut you off you thought you had 17 seconds left there you're a little fucked up Oh with time I thought you did

pretty good bro thank you Pauly Shore yeah I'm the only one I think that got it which is important good good this is good we could talk after the show right

I appreciate it.

Let me ask you something.

Yes, sir.

When you say you're a little fucked up with time, what do you mean exactly?

Oh, I guess I was off 17 seconds in this particular case.

Yes.

So have you practiced that or something?

I thought I timed it a little yeah, I guess my time was a little off your times a little off

Interesting, what were you gonna do with the last 17 seconds?

I was gonna say some bullshit and tell the pet and ask the panel and tell a real joke I was gonna say a bunch of horseshit actually, so it worked out. Have you been doing stand-up comedy? No, um, this is like maybe 50 60 sets over the last year and a half give or take okay

So you've been doing it for a year and a half.

A little bit, yeah.

You're an interesting creature.

Right you are.

OK, what do you do for work?

I recently got fired from a restaurant chain. OK. In Wisconsin.

What's the chain?

I'm allowed to say it like that?

Yeah, if you don't currently work there. I used to be a Chili's head. I was at Chili's. Okay, you were working there. Line cook, head chef.

You know what, they put me on the fucking floor, Tony.

A waiter?

I waited tables at 42 years old.

Okay, all right. I don't think the age really has anything to do with it. It's probably the best job at a Chili's. They probably make more than the GM and whatnot. Okay, so what did you get fired for, having greasy hair?

Yeah.

They started letting me bartend. I served an underager. What's crazy is I carded the person, I looked at the date and I thought it was the date under 21, one issue. So if anyone's looking for a bartender, I'm available.

It was actually a date issued date. It was so close and it just kind of made sense. I guess my math was a little off, Tony.

Oh wow.

So literally anybody could have drank at that bar with a Wisconsin ID because the date issued date would always be before the actual date.

Who the fuck tries to underage drink at Chili's?

Anybody.

You guys go to-

Anybody trying would try there.

You Texan nights are a lot cooler than mine or Ohio ends, excuse me.

Okay.

Right now.

So you still live in Wisconsin?

I do, I do. And what are you doing now? What's your next big plan? Well, I had a, I decided to come down here for a couple weeks and try to get on. Thank you for the opportunity, everybody. Like, holy fucking cow. I'm here now and I'm gonna go back

and try to get a job at the, not as a bartender, at the improv place in Brookfield. I was gonna simultaneously practice dealing. I'm really proficient in cards and things of that sort. Brookfield? Yeah, Adam Ray just was there recently. Poor guy. The late great

Adam Ray. He died in Brookfield that night. No, I'm kidding. Okay, well before I let you go, what's the craziest thing about your life that you've ever seen or done? You look like a guy that likes hiding under people's beds and scaring them I've saved seven people's lives I mean usually ask if someone wait let me guess you were a lifeguard at Jesse Jackson's birthday party I was an 50-cent called ambulance rider for sure. Yeah, no

Just right place right time Tony like what give us an example where you when I was 15 years old I saved two children that fell through the ice and risked my life in doing so

It's a cool moment. Okay, where did they fall through the ice? It was a McCarty Park Lagoon in West Dallas, Wisconsin

Latinos through the ice at it was a McCarty Park Lagoon in West Dallas Wisconsin Latinos

right you were they was were they Latinos I ice has been taking out a lot of Latinos okay this is a long show we're gonna keep it moving there goes uh what what is your actual name my name is adam dies adam dies well there and you did uh... believable the queen like fuckin execution of roseanne tonight

ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it's been. I mean, holy shit. Absolutely incredible. Who could forget the first comedian that came out here absolutely bombing tonight?

Goes by the name of Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen, who comes so far.

♪

One of my best friends. We're sauna buddies. We're cold plunge buddies. I'm friends with his dog Buster. I've been friends with him for 18 and a half years. I worship his mother, the late great Mitzi Shore,

who got all of our careers started. All of our careers except Red Band. She never started Red Band's career.

I thought I've laid my heart out for you this evening.

Absolutely.

And that's all I can do, you know what I mean? I don't have the best jokes. But I have my heart, and that's what's gotten me where I've gotten. So I love you. That's true.

I love you.

Brought to you by Blue Chew and Zip Recruiter. Those are the actual sponsors. And we've had so much fun. Somehow she has now after this last couple hours, she is without a doubt making her own running for guest of the year 2025. How about one more time for Roseanne Barr? The Roseanne Barr podcast is out. Everything Roseanne Barr. Follow her, worship her, bend the knee when you see her.

But where can we go from here? There's only one place to go, and that is with the all-time record-setting Hall of Fame regular. A man who created writing on note cards. The Strangler of Memphis. The Gorilla of Vanilla.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. I saw earlier today,

Red Band has a new bumper sticker for the Big Red Machine. It's a new bumper sticker for the Big Red Machine.

It's a new bumper sticker

for the Big Red Machine. Band has a new bumper sticker that says I'd rather be hijacking you 9 to 93 dude what does that even fucking mean Red Band that's the airplane that went into the ground that's such a weird fucking bumper sticker dude you know why the pony express failed the horses formed a union did y'all see that dateline episode where a prominent housewife was murdered and the husband was having an affair for once i want to watch an episode where nobody dies and everybody lives happily ever after.

Date line, I don't see anybody going on no dates! William Montgomery. Still got that little puppy cut. Still got the puppy cut, Tony. And I'm actually really excited. My favorite video game, there's now a ghost of Yotei. It's the second one of Ghost of Tsushima. And Tony, I've been having a wonderful time playing that.

Wow, tell us.

I put 75 hours into it the past five days.

Whoa, that's a lot.

75 hours in five days, Tony. I've been rowing a bunch on the row machine and then playing that, now I have a horrible knot in my back.

Wow.

Oh my goodness gracious. So tell us what exactly happens in that video game. I don't play video games.

I'm a Japanese lady and I roam around the countryside of Japan and I've been killing a lot of people and I get different weapons to upgrade and it's just such a wonderful time.

So you're wonderful in this game. You're a Japanese woman.

What's your name, lady? Yotei. Yotei.

Yeah, Yotei. And then I can change her outfit all the time. So I'm constantly changing her outfit Wow different scenarios I'm about to attack different people. I see different outfits you get to just amazing you get to play make-believe just like Phoenix provocateur Look at everybody. Oh a bunch of fucking Texans in here like oh

How could you it's a joke? awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww What do you mean? I mean, I couldn't hear what y'all were saying, so I... Oh, in the green room? Yeah, I just saw the pretty lady on the stage.

I couldn't tell what was being said.

All right. Well, that's good. It's good to know that they're shutting off the volume in the green room. Who would want to pay attention to the show at all? Why would you want to know?

The fucking clown dude up there. Turn the volume off really seriously, and I didn't even know what accent he was using, but he was using an accent I could think he's from England or something. He's up there, so I'm like dude. I want to watch the show I've been on it for a long time. Let me watch the show and he's like no not tonight Wow, he looks like a scary fucking clown, so it's like horrifying. I hate it up there. Please tell me can't be up there again

I up there again I wanted to watch it was looking like every it looked like Demi Nobreg said a wonderful said it's like I can't hear any of it serious insane I never thought about even asking you about this before you always close the show you always are on the show you're the hardest working man in the history of kill Tony except for me and especially much harder working than red band who's he texting right now?

Oh, he's on the phone. That's real rude, dumbass. What are you doing?

It's, he's texting Postmates right now. He's putting in his order. But I've never thought about having the green room report from you, because you do get here a bit early. What else goes on in that green room, William? What else drives you crazy about that green room?

Oh my gosh, Tony. Well, it's weird. Liz Splatt is up there tonight with somebody's fucking dog. I don't know whose fucking dog it is, but there's some big... Is that your dog?

Yeah, that's my dog.

God, your dog is really bad, Pauly. It is shitting all on the floors up there.

Wow.

There's fucking slobber everywhere.

He's shitting all over the stage out here. It's like father like son.

What?

What?

Liz doesn't even have the dog anymore. The clown took the dog outside, Pauly.

Fuck up.

Are you serious? Dog is this! It's like it's part of the chores. And then you took your dog out back. What did he do with the dog?

I don't know, I wasn't with it. I didn't walk with his fucking ass to the alleyway.

Don't bring him to Hans Kim, bro. That wouldn't be cool. Well Hans is up there right now. to open for me and I got fucking Hans instead, bro. This weekend, you'd fucking, that's the word on the street.

I was playing that video game, I'm sorry. I was wondering if you were gonna bring that up.

It was very rude of me, I did not respond to this message.

I'm sorry.

He's too much of a star now.

Dude, he was-

It's not that, I've just literally,

I've been playing that video game and I'm like, ah, I'll get to this later. I just like you so much, and I'm so happy for you. Look how good he looks. He lost all the weight from Ozepic. Yeah.

Yeah.

I am the Ozepic poster child. It's been wonderful. I actually use Monjaro. Roseanne Barr, the queen of comedy, one of the all-time goats of the art form. You've seen the show, you've seen

William multiple times. What do you think of him?

I love William. He's one of my very favorite comics. You are so funny and unpredictable, wild. I've never seen nothing like you before in my life. And you have the best fucking pot in the whole goddamn world.

Yeah, we need to spoke later. Rosanna, I'm going to be honest with you. I was heartbroken. One time you texted me to bring you a joint, and I brought you a joint, and I left it in the mailbox. And I was maybe hoping that we'd be able to smoke together, but I was looking through the fence for a while, and I was thinking, yeah, this is weird, and then I left.

But I remember, I was have been explicit about that. You should have said, you said I'll just drive it by and leave it in the mailbox. So I thought, oh, he doesn't want to come in and get high with some old bat.

Well, next time I'll respond differently.

Yeah, you should have said I'll drop by and come in and smoke it with you, but you said I'll just drop it off. Great, because I hate people anyway. I didn't want to really hang out or any of that shit. I was just in my adult diaper laying there. But I love you and I love your pot. I love your comedy.

I have a joint in my pocket right now.

Fucking A, bitches!

Let's go!

But I love your comedy and you know it. You fucking crack me up. Where you go places that only the, I don't know, crazy people can go.

And I love that. It is true.

I love him.

Me too. He's a wild boy.

Pauly Shore. Yeah, so the whole thing is pretty fucking cool with Tony's doing here. And in reality, he's giving people breaks. He came from the streets just like no he was outside fucking homeless for a while and now look at him all the guys Hans John all the people are doing job and homeless who the fuck is John I'm gonna say I meant to say Ari Maddy okay I'm

just saying that you've done this. It's such a beautiful thing. You opened for me one time in San Antonio and you had just done this and I'm like, you got to get off your notes. Remember? And he used to just always do his notes and then he finally got rid of his notes and he start featuring. You're headlining everywhere now and it's beautiful. So I love to see it. Beautiful. Yeah, for real.

William, I mean, what an amazing, amazing time we always have. And it's incredible to watch your amazing expansion through the Kill Tony universe. What are some of your favorite outfits to change into in this female role playing video video game? Oh my gosh Tony. Rattle some off for us. There's this one where it looks like a ghost mask! Wow what else? That's probably my favorite. Yeah. Ghost mask. What are some of your

least favorite ones? Okay so nice to be here tonight, darn it! Oh, okay.

You know, I can't think of the, it's all Japanese.

You can literally just say anything. Say one mellow one so the horn players can do their sad thing that everybody loves, and then we'll do one more where it's a big one, and then I'll end the fucking show. We do this every goddamn week. There's an unbelievable, clear method.

Okay, yeah, just do the thing or what are you red bear sure okay there's like a green shirt I like to wear but then also one that looks like a samurai help Wow

the great William lights out Montgomery what a fun fucking night it's been. The drawing from Ryan Jaebo is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew. Oh, old school Pauly. Vintage Pauly Shore. He's gonna be selling that,

probably autographed after the show down in the lobby. There's a bunch of cool Kill Tony merch down there. New Year's Eve still has a couple tickets at the Moody Center and a bunch of cool Kill Tony merch down there. New Year's Eve still has a couple tickets at the Moody Center and a bunch of other, I'm doing a couple fun gigs, it's standup, TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Roseanne Barr has the Roseanne Barr podcast and so many amazing things. If you're not following Roseanne on Twitter and Instagram, your feed is boring. One of the most compelling, interesting, powerful, hilarious women on planet Earth.

How loud can this place get? One more time for Roseanne Barr.

♪♪

Pauly's on tour, paulyshore.com. He's playing Richard Simmons in a movie next year. He's got his podcast, Random Rants. How about one more time for the son of Mitzi, a man who bleeds black and red of the comedy store The Great Pauly Shore. This episode brought to you by Bluechu and Zip Recruiter Red Band.

Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip.

Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody.

Good night Hickory!

Good night everybody The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. 🎵