KT #743 - JOE DEROSA + LUIS J GOMEZ

🎵 Howdy, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony and Scraps!

♪

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

♪

Yee-hee! Oh my God. And that right there is indeed the best damn band in the land. Make some noise for Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Juevos Rancheros, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and Nachos Belgrande, a wave of Sancheros. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and believe it or not,

live in the flesh, that is D-Madness on the bass guitar,

ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my God. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix, Quo, and Shopify. Such a fun episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

I booked this thing every single week. This one's for the boys. This one's for the fucking pigs. This one's for the fucking homies. Yeah, you guys like that. Let's just do it. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best comedians, two of our favorite friends, make some fucking noise for Joe DeRosa

and Luis J Gomez.

♪♪

Luis J Gomez. Jodorowska. Oh yeah, baby. Let's go. Both of them have brand new specials on YouTube right now. I Never Promised You a Rose Garden is what a lot of people are saying is the best standup special of the year by the great Joe DeRosa. He's also on tour at joderosa.com. Lewis' special is, uh, out. You're making this worse.

Lewis J. Gomez comedy on YouTube, of course. One of the founding fathers of the Legion of Skanks, which is right around the corner. Skankfest 2025 in New Orleans, Louisiana, one of my least favorite cities. But I'm going there to drink myself

into oblivion just for you.

I'm happy to be here, Tony. Yes. Kill Tony, one of the best live experiences in the world. How are you guys feeling tonight, good?

Good. Good.

Thank you for having me,

and thanks for coming back to Skank Fest. Both of you guys this year is going to be a blast.

We are going to have a blast. We're not doing a Kill Tony there, but we're going to have a lot of fun. We're no longer doing Kill Tony at that dilapidated drudge. It's the most fun festival in all of comedy, but we've outgrown you. I will. We actually... Tony says this every year to me, and every year I convince Tony to do a secret kill Tony at Skankfest.

Every year. I swear to God, mark my words, it's not happening again. But no, we love each other, we always have fun. Lewis is the man. Welcome back to Austin, Texas. Your show Tuesday is sold out, right?

Thursday, Thursday. Story Wars right here. Oh yeah, perfect. Story Wars right here. Oh yeah. Perfect. Yep. Sold out. Perfect. Fantastic. Welcome. One more time for Lewis. Joe DeRosa is back.

I'm also going to be at Skank Fest, despite Lewis turning his back to me completely. Talking to the other two people that are going to be there. I have not outgrown the festival. I just don't really want to go, to be honest. What are you gonna do?

New Orleans? Alcoholic. Yeah, exactly. It's a fantastic place to drink yourself into oblivion while trying to forget the fact that it's a graveyard of flooding and sadness.

It really is a dark place.

It really is.

And it's one of those cities that looks like Dracula after 5 p.m., no matter where you are. Just fog rolls across the roads. Ghouls and specters everywhere. And these are just the people at Skank Fest.

Yes, that's the lineup. All right, you guys know how it works. Fun fact, I do believe Lewis has the record since Brody killed himself. I do believe Lewis has the, you guys say it like it, oh Jesus, that's not even how he did it.

Don't you have a hanging sound effect on there? Here it is, Red Band looking for, oh my God, all right, Jesus.

Whoa, whoa, yes, I did it.

Red Band, hit the button that says Robin Williams.

All right, all right, all right. So you guys know two of the most used guests in the history of the show, over 300 souls are crammed together in a bar next door, hoping and praying that we pull their name out of this bucket.

I'm gonna let this, what appears to be a pure dying alcoholic pick the first name. This guy has complete liver failure. And he picked the first name, that's how lucky he is. Oh wow, look at that, you did a good job. While we wrangle that person who's actually in the room

and very close to us because she's very close to our hearts. I'm going to bring up a special treat. This guy actually, oh yeah, they get 60 seconds to know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So this guy that's going up first tonight,

that's doing the first minute here tonight, actually won this spot on an episode of the Legion of Skanks when I was in New York City right after I did stand-up and a kiltonian at Madison Square Garden, because that's what I do when I go to New York City. I do Madison Square Garden,

and then I get on a flight and come back here, but I stayed extra long. And when I come to Austin, I do the creek and the creek.

Pretty sweet.

The garden, the creek and the creek. Pretty sweet.

The garden, the creek, it's all nature, you know what I mean? But this guy is one of the interns at the Legion of Skanks. He did impress us with his minute on a fake, goofy episode, short little episode of Kill Tony that we did on a Legion of Skanks episode.

I know this is all very confusing for you, but no reason to overthink it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian doing a minute tonight goes by the name of Josh Sussman, everybody. Here we go.

The show has begun. The intern, Josh Sussman.

So, I was adopted at 6 years old, and adoption is a lot like a box of chocolates. It's mostly leftovers. I mean, your choices are typically dark or darker. There's never any white chocolate.

It's fine.

But lately I've been really connecting with my roots, right? Like, I've been working on my impressions. This is an impression of LGBT MLK. I had a dream. And that dream was pretty gay. It was a gay dream.

It's not great. It was not great. But, you know, I've worked a lot of strange jobs, as well. I used to work with mentally handicapped orphans. It's a true story. And now I work with the Legion of Skanks.

Some things never change.

All right.

All right, Jeff Sussman. Wow. Really showing off some of that amazing comedy that you've learned from your mentor, Louis J. Gomez. I mean, absolutely.

Josh, what the fuck was that? You're gonna come on one of the biggest podcasts in the world representing the Legion of Skanks with that horse shit?

Yeah, Josh, you know, they told me upstairs that I'd remember you from your weird face. And I said, I'm not gonna make fun of his face. And then he did that set. I'm gonna make fun of your face. Goddamn, D-Madness, be happy God has blessed you.

-♪♪

I mean, it is haunting, so...

It is incredible. At least it makes Halloween easy for you this week. What do you do for Halloween? Put on, you ever do?

Sometimes a little bit of face paint and that's about it.

Right, okay. Very interesting. What happened to it? Did anything ever happen? Were you ever in a horseback riding accident or something? Or is that all natural?

Well, my birth mother did a lot of crack, so that helps.

Absolutely. My birth mother did a lot of crack so that

So your your mother was the black one yes, yeah

Okay, that's good. He's Puerto Rican. He's allowed to ask those questions

You look like you look like you know You know when they make a biopic about somebody and a good-looking person plays the guy and then you see the real guy you look like and a good-looking person plays the guy, and then you see the real guy. You look like if the movie was about you, but Michael Anthony played you in the movie. And then you'd be like, wait, that's the guy? Oh, jeez. All right, well. Thought that...

All right, go fuck yourselves.

Josh, do you do a lot of stand-up? I do. I do. How long you been doing it for? Three years. Three years. Did you really used to work with mentally ill?

I did.

What exactly, how did you end up with that job?

I, it was.

Did they bring you in to hide under their beds and scare them or something?

Like a scared straight situation. No, it was, there is a program in Peru. So they take all the orphans that people super don't want, the mentally and physically handicapped ones.

Wow.

And yeah, so I just, I spent a few weeks there building stuff.

What were you building exactly?

Just repairing, it was like a big orphanage. There's a lot of them in Peru apparently.

What were you doing in Peru?

It was like, it was affiliated with like a missions trip and stuff.

Missions trip. I grew up very religious. Oh wow, tell us more about that. Because when people see your face they go, holy shit.

Oh Dios mio!

It's the Lorna!

It's the Lorna!

It's the Lorna!

Where should we send this guy?

Let me see his face. Per-ew!

Per-ew. Per you. Oh, geez. Per you.

I liked, um, dude, I mean this sincerely. I liked, I'm adopted to, I met very...

Oh, my parents didn't want us.

Fuck you.

At least mine got rid of me on purpose, not through neglect.

Oh! Oh!

You son of a bitch.

I'm more mad at Michael.

I'm more mad at Michael on that one for starting that huge fucking band piece.

At least mine didn't live two blocks away.

Ouch!

Ouch!

God damn. That one actually hurt! I need an ice pack or something after that. God damn! It's true. My father didn't visit me very often and he lived two blocks away. Thank you Joe, I'm so glad I shared that with you. He's one of my truly very close friends Wow, just been holding on to that, huh?

Waiting for the right moment to strike down the dragon with your fucking evil

slingshot

truth

Papa

Papa Papa! Papa, where are you? All right.

I really did. I thought he had an interesting take on adoption. I thought it was funny.

Well, hopefully our other adopted listeners felt the same way. Josh, what else about your life? Tell us something interesting about you.

Well, one of the strange things I've been learning is that I was adopted into a very strange family. So, for example, I'm a mixture of things. Like, I'm half black, a quarter, mostly Spanish, and then a quarter Native American. And then my adopted dad is Jewish.

Oh, wow, it gets worse.

Wow.

Oh, God.

What's next?

30% Lucifer. Uh, I'm a 30% Lucifer. Uh...

I'm, um, 10% warlord.

Uh...

I, uh...

I recently found out that my grandfather, so he was Jewish, he was in Chicago, and he ended up becoming part of the mob, which was, I guess, the Italian mafia, which was a very strange thing.

No, they need accountants too, that makes sense. The Italian mafia notoriously would bring in Jews to help them where they needed it. Or else they would just have invested all of their money into gold necklaces. All right, go ahead.

And then I... yeah, so that I thought was interesting. Then my birth mom, of course, crack. Birth father, gone, who knows, you know, naturally. And then my mom's side of the family are Rittenhouses, so like straight shooters on that one.

Wow, amazing.

Who molested you the best out of all of those?

Red band, why would you, this is an innocent adopted person, he's had a tough life and then there you go asking questions like that when you're supposed to be just goofing around on the sound effect board. Who was your favorite molester? Were you ever molested?

Not that I can recall, but I have six.

Oh damn, they got you so good you blacked out? Holy shit. That's how you know that uncle has a strong mouth, dude, when you're just like,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, man.

You said it was like a box of chocolates. Everybody took a bite.

Yeah, that's amazing. I can't remember the first six years of my life.

So who knows?

Wow.

Do you ever have flashbacks or anything? Does nothing at all ever?

No, I met a hypnotherapist once, just a friend of mine who offered. They offered to unlock those memories for me, but I was like, no thanks, I'm good.

Keep it locked up.

I was locked for a reason. Amazing. And then also on my mom's side, I found out I have like four Olympians in that family, but I'm adopted, so no genetics for me.

Wow.

Do you know what type of Olympians they were? Yeah. BAKING SAU. Oh, my God. Jesus.

Swimming, diving, synchronized diving. Swimming and diving.

This one's the black side.

Exactly, yeah.

My mom tried. She tried to get me in. Right.

Well, Josh, a frighteningly rough performance, but the interview's great. You're a very likable guy. You wear that face well. I love that you enjoy the process and that you're smiling and enjoying yourself. That's really what it's all about. And while life may be so hard that you don't even remember the last six, first six years

of your life, I like to think that your best days are ahead of you, my friend.

Can I add one thing?

Absolutely. Go right ahead. You're 12% evil. All right.

Well, this week actually marks a very special week for me because, so I actually, I spent the last seven years in Switzerland. That's where I started doing comedy.

And I realized that if I want to take this comedy thing seriously, I've got to move to America, which means that I left behind the safety and security and all of that.

Can we call an ICE agent real quick? These guys, they don't. All right, go ahead.

Because my wife is Swiss, so that is why I was over there.

Yeah, she smells like cheese.

Pfft.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sounds like cheese. I wish your set was Gouda. And so when we...

This is incredible. I'm getting a word. I'm getting a word I'm getting word, Louis has put you up for adoption. They're sending you to a different podcast to be an intern somewhere else. You've been picked up by a...

I don't fucking know.

So basically...

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Holy shit, Josh.

Yeah, okay, all right.

Anyways, long story short, it's been a dream come true coming here, because I moved exactly a year ago. Are you gonna cry, you homo?

YouTube, he's gonna fucking cry.

He's not gay if he cries. He's just a woman.

So I just wanted to say thanks for the opportunity, of course.

Of course. Josh, congratulations. woman so I just want to say thanks for the opportunity of course of course Josh congratulations here's a little joke book come back sometime Josh Sussman everybody come on make some noise for Josh he's adopted and and got a face looks like the inside of a grilled cheese sandwich. All right, wow. Let's not forget that the man with full-blown liver failure

in the front row picked a very special name to get this show started. You know her as the queen of the horse noise, a woman that literally became a full-time fucking employee of everything that we do. that literally became a full-time fucking employee of everything that we do. One of my favorite people on planet Earth

and a rising comedian here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for a minute by the great Sarah Sloan, everyone.

♪♪ -♪♪

Hey, guys, I recently did one of those, uh, new things that I've never done before, which is getting in those Waymo cars. Uh, yeah, that was kind of cool. I get into the car, and the computer turns on, and it asks me, where would you like to go?

And so I was like, take me on an experience

I've never been on before. So it took me on a date.

I really hate when people brag about how many black friends

they have. Like, why are we bragging about how many bad friends we have? I've been working on other animal impressions, so I'm going to do a nasty and rude giraffe. Are you guys ready?

All right.

Hey, guys.

I'm Taylor Swift, and I just released a new album

Wow Sarah Sloan

Absolutely amazing Sarah. Thank you. It's so fun. This fucking guy pulled you out of the boat. We don't ever get to see him. I spend days with Sarah, Monday through Friday, and I never get to see her set or really talk about standup with you. We're always focused on my never-ending growing empire. And to get to see it,

especially these last two times, absolutely crush. It's incredible because we just loved you for your horse noise and your story early on and one of my favorite things is when people get pulled out of the bucket and we get to see their unbelievable growth so one more time for Sarah Sloan

that was really good oh thank you, that Taylor Swift joke is great.

Yeah.

Seriously. It was all great, but that one's really, fuck her.

That's a great one.

It really is. It's amazing. And I do believe, weren't you here when that?

It was my fucking idea for you to hire Sarah Sloan the last time I was here.

I love you so much.

Thank you.

I love you so much. Thank you. I love you so much. You better suck my cock after the show tonight. Whoa! I don't take that L word lightly, okay? Now, Sarah, great. Honestly, the confidence. The last time I saw you, you did good. Those were fucking legitimately great jokes. Seriously, three bangers.

Just, like, the confidence is through the roof. Was that from working on the show?

I honestly, like, I know it sounds like a brown-nosing thing to say, but, like, I think when you're around someone who, like, knows how to do it and is good at it, like, I think you're just naturally...

Is Tony helping you out on your jokes?

No. Like, he's...

Literally. Tony doesn't even look at her.

Red band, she said someone that's good at it.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you bastard.

It's all love up here, you guys. Give me some love. Stop it.

You son of a bitch.

I used to think Redman hated me, actually, whenever I first started working for you. But I realized that's just his face.

Oh, shit. Look at this little cow-cow over here. Look at this sad cowboy.

Oh, my God. Sarah, what else is going on in your life?

Oh man, I've been drinking too much coffee and it's been affecting some toilet stuff. Oh, tell us more. It's actually because I get coffee for Tony every morning. That's part of my job duty. And so I naturally will get one for myself, but that means I'm drinking way more coffee than I ever used to.

And...

A red band.

Tony requires coffee that opens up his asshole.

Let's just say that door never closes, you know what I'm saying? It's like an old western in there. It's just, the breeze bloweth. Swings both ways, you know what I'm saying?

Ah-ha!

Wow, wow, wow!

Hell yeah.

24 hours a day. Oh, hell yeah.

24 hours a day. So you've been drinking too much coffee.

Yeah, because then I'll also have some drip coffee, and then that, my maker makes like five cups. So I'm having like a latte on top of the five cups of coffee. At least I'm awake. You know what I'm saying?

Okay. You're the best, saying? Okay. I'll see you. I'll see you. I'll see you.

You're the best, Sarah. What else is going on? Anything else crazy we should know about before I let you out of here?

I don't know if this is actually interesting, but I've never told you this before. The only way I was allowed to get into the public school my parents lied and said that I needed to be in English as a second language. Wow.

Yeah.

Amazing, fun fact.

So I tested out in the third grade, but I was in all these classes with Mexicans.

But you knew how to speak Spanish because your mom was?

Yeah, so my mom, she's Panamanian. Panamanian. Yeah, like my whole life, she's spoken in Spanish to me and I speak back in English. So yeah, our communication skills with each other, really good.

We get along really, no, actually I really love her. But yeah, yeah, so that's always something that I realized I had never told you before. But can I say one more thing? Yeah. Okay, so basically I'm talking to a guy

for the first time in my life.

Whoa! Wow!

Oh, she's dapping, ladies and gentlemen.

A 2011 specialty.

You've never dated a guy before? Are you being serious? I'm not being funny.

I'm really... No, I'm being serious.

No, she really hasn't. Yeah. She kissed her first guy on Kill Tony. Yeah, and it was kind of forceful and aggressive. It was Michael Gonzalez. Oh. Kind of the only kiss in the history of the show that I've seen.

It was a forceful kiss.

I was going...

Well, they're not sending their best people up here. You know what I mean?

I went closed mouth because I didn't know what I mean? I went closed mouth, because I didn't know what I was doing, because it was my first kiss ever in my whole life. I was 20, 27 years old.

And he went, he was like, like, he went...

Yeah.

Tried to give you that lengua.

Yeah.

I didn't know Spanish until after that kiss.

Yeah, look at that.

Sarah Sloan, give us one horse noise for the road here. I didn't know Spanish until after that kiss. Yeah, look at that.

Sarah Sloan, give us one horse noise for the road here.

Oh, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the trademark.

Ah!

Wow, unbelievable. This is Kill Tony. And that is the great Sarah Sloan. Oh my God. Look at Mob Wife Heidi. Holy shit.

Unbelievable. Love on the Line comes out every Tuesday, gets released, her new podcast with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi. Oh, hey, I didn't see you there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

November is Men's Health Awareness Month, but you can find quality therapy anytime. Sign up for free and get matched with a licensed therapist today. Schedule appointments online or talk over text on your time. covered by many insurance plans and employers. Most insured members have a $0 copay. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed therapist,

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Paul, we're going to meet them all together. Looks like a new name to me. Make some noise for Thomas LaMountain, everybody. Here we go. ♪♪♪♪

Thank you. What's up? I just got a new cat. I just got my first cat, actually. She's a beautiful orange cat. I named her Macaroni after my favorite kind of necklace. Yeah, she's a great cat. I love her. But she's my first cat, so I'm still trying to

figure out like how to raise her. So I decided to raise her the way that I was raised, you know? So like every morning I just call her a pussy and remind her, uh, remind her I wanted a dog, you know? Yeah. No, but she's, she's a good cat, you know? She's been doing this weird thing, though, where Macaroni's been throwing up a lot, which I think is weird, because who does she need to look skinny for, right? You know?

It's just weird, you know? Is there like a tomcat calling her Garfield or something? I don't know what's going on. But she is doing, it is weird, though, because before she throws up, she has a different meow before she throws up. Like usually when she throws up,

or usually when she meows, she's like meow, you know, cats, right? But before she throws up, she kind of like revs it like that, you know? But before she throws up, she kind of like revs it up, like, wow, wow, wow, wow, no, no, oh, fuck, I'm gonna throw up.

So I can just hold back her ears, like, I got you, girl, come on, get it out, get it out, you pussy, you know?

I'm Thomas Lamont, thank you.

All right, Thomas Lamont. Welcome to the show, Thomas. This is my first time? This is my first time. I love it, a great set. How long you been doing standup? Three and a half years now. Where at?

Miami, Florida actually, but I'm from Nebraska.

Okay. Yeah.

Makes sense. How long did you move to Miami?

I moved to Miami, well I just moved here about three months ago, but I moved to Miami for modeling like four years ago.

Okay, let's stop it right there. What type of modeling were you doing?

Dude, anything that will give me money to be pretty, I guess.

So, what?

That's the fucking plot of urban midnight cowboy shit. You got it.

Yeah, yeah, you were selling your body in Miami.

Pretty much, you know. If you want me shirtless, wearing a backpack and saying it's for PacSun, you gotta do it.

You can't wear Harry Potter glasses and go, I moved to Miami for modeling. That's, what do you look like with these specs off? That's what I want to know.

Whoa.

Ooh, actually.

Whoa.

Not bad.

Wow.

Unbelievable, as the senior gay representative on this stage, I have to tell you, it's amazing. I'm shocked that you were able to make... How much money did you make modeling?

Oh, not enough to make it full-time, that's for sure. Yeah. I mean, it pays good, but it's only, like... I get a job, like like maybe once a month, and it'll be like a thousand bucks for a day.

And then that guy comes, and then what are you gonna do?

Yeah. But if he comes quickly, usually, like, he'll hire me again, you know? It's nice. I get a lot of repeat customers.

Yeah, every job ends with, you got any friends?

I'm on my knees like, am I not enough? What's, come on, okay.

What was the weirdest thing you ever got called in for? The shadiest modeling job. Did they ever have you do anything weird?

I mean, nothing like, nothing crazy. Like I definitely, but like modeling's weird because like you'll just go into like a warehouse and your agent will just be like, hey, go to this warehouse for this cast and you'll get there. They'll be like, take off your shirt, and you have to. And then they'll be like, no, bye.

And then you just leave.

And you never know what that's for.

They give you a little money for that?

No.

So if you don't get it on the spot, you get nothing. Yeah, you go. It's like for, like,

almost like an audition thing. your body is not right for this, leave." And you go, okay. And then you have to, like, put your shirt back on in front of, like, a panel of you guys.

You have to do, like, the walk of shame.

That's how women feel after we fuck them?

Pretty much. Sometimes you have to do, like, these things called digitals, which is truly just you're in your underwear, and you just have to like this, and then... He's trying to get a golden ticket from Tony right now.

Joe DeRosa.

I'm gonna ask the question. I feel like we're all wondering. Go ahead. Can we pop this shirt off and see what he's got?

I mean, I think we need to. Keno, give us that single spotlight here. Ladies and gentlemen, if you're wondering what a Nebraska supermodel looks like, he moved to my, wow! I mean, yeah, they were right, put it back on. It's not great. Wow! My goodness gracious. Your nipples are too small for us. Yes, this is, as you can tell. Yeah, his agent, his agent's like, they're

looking for a Joe List type.

I'm getting worried that Matt Mueling thinks he's hotter than this model. Is it true, Matt? You want to take your shirt off? Oh, I think he does. I think he does.

The normally very shy Matt Mueling is threatening to steal the show from accredited model, Thomas LaMountain. Maybe a little faster, Matt. Maybe a little faster.

This guy's...

Take off your shirt, the show's gone gay. Take off shirt, this is a gay show.

Whoa! Oh my god!! Oh, my God! Wow!

♪♪

This is Kill Tony, the gayest show on planet Earth. All right, who's next, boys? Fernando Castillo.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right.

I nominate Heidi.

Heidi, get out here.

Ha, ha, ha. No, let's put a shirt on her. Let's give her a hoodie.

Cover up, girl. All right, Thomas, how do you make money now?

Right now, I'm actually, it's a shit job. I work for CPS right now.

Wait.

Yeah, I don't like it either.

What exactly is that?

It's child protective services.

Oh, hilarious.

Wow. right now. Uh. Wait. Yeah, I don't like it either. What exactly is that? It's child protective services.

Oh, hilarious, wow.

Yeah.

Maybe you've met Joe DeRosa or Josh Sussman because.

They thought he said CBS.

Yeah.

Or Booing Colbert.

Right, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm a redactive clerk. So what happens is like, children who like were in foster care

They like ask for like Joe DeRosa like Joe. We're in foster care. That was just adopted. Yeah No, he didn't he didn't they didn't want him lingering around

He went straight to consumer. No, they

They cut off by the way, I was adopted at nine days. They got me the fuck out. Back.

Yeah, it was a card cut off.

Yeah. You're like a Nebraska model in Miami. Like, kid, we need to get you out of here.

I'm gonna be honest, I'm not sure I'm an American citizen.

So what exactly is a redacted clerk doing?

So I pretty much get the entire like case record for someone who was in foster care and I have to read all the horrible things and then I take out all the things that like they're not entitled to see and then I give it to them.

But honestly, I don't think I should be entitled to see it either.

So let me get this right.

Yeah.

There's a foster home that like, uh, and they have like a report on the kid.

So like, no, like, yeah, so, like, why were you adopted?

Well, I mean, look at him.

Uh...

Why did your parents not want you?

I'm sure everything was going really well on their end.

And, uh, yeah, they fucked up. I don't know. I think they just, you know... He cried too much. He came out of the womb crying, and he never stopped crying.

I can do my first adopted joke. Ask me if I ever looked for my real parents.

Have you ever looked for your real parents?

No, I pretty much took the hint. Joe DeRosa, everybody. Thank you. That was my minute. Joe DeRosa comedy on YouTube.

On YouTube.

Okay, so can you give us an example of something that you had to redact that you wouldn't want a potential foster parent to see about a problem, the type of problem children that you're trying to push on people?

It's mainly like the kids asking for like their records of why they were taken from their home. Ah. So it's a lot of like, I just get to read a lot about, you know, fun stuff like child abuse and people getting molested and that's not great stuff. So you don't let them see what happened to them. No, they can see what happened to them, but they can't see what happened to their siblings

and stuff like that, or medical records. It's mostly social security numbers that I take out, but I still get to read all the horrible stuff.

Do you do this job shirtless?

It is work from home, so yes.

Wow.

You're like a publicist for babies, kind of.

Like you're making it better. Can I say to the kids, I'm a model. I get rejection.

I get it.

No, but that's the thing, too, why I don't think I should be doing this job. Because when I send them back their case, I have to put my name on the bottom. So they could just easily look up my name and see my Instagram, where it's just like stand-up clips and shirtless pictures of me. Right.

And they'll be like, this guy redacted my shit?

Yeah.

This okay looking, okay funny guy.

Yeah.

This Jeffrey Dahmer looking ass guy redacted my stuff?

This guy who probably shouldn't be a model and is an okay joke writer.

Not too far.

I wanna compliment your stand-up for a second. I really do, because I thought it was very funny. But I really, I mean this, I really admired that you got the meow and you had the poise and the confidence to know you were going to land the rest of that joke before the second buzzer went off.

Thank you.

Well, I do got to tell you, I backed Redman off of the bear. He was going to hit him with it. Very rare that I do it, but I could tell that he was at the end of the thing. We gave him four or five seconds.

He didn't really.

Appreciate you.

Of course. It was blatantly the end of your material. What's your love life like?

I got kind of like a little friends with benefits thing going on.

It's his cat.

Old macaroni, huh? Yeah.

Great pussy.

No wonder it's throwing up so often. So tell us about this friend with benefits. Where did you meet this friend?

I met this friend in Miami and then I was like, hey, I'm gonna move to Austin, Texas. And she was like, oh my God, me too.

Wow.

And I was like, you shouldn't do that. And then she did regardless.

Amazing. And that just goes on and on.

And it goes on. And I was like, oh, I want to kind of do comedy. And she's like, OK, do you want to like still have sex? And I'm like, yeah, that'd be awesome. So how often does this happen? Like once a week. Okay. And she comes to your place or you go to hers? I go to hers because I do a lot of stand-up downtown and she lives closer. I live way up north right now.

Perfect. Okay. So you go in. Do you hang out for a bit beforehand or you guys just get right to it? Oh no. Are you really friends or is it just benefits? No, no. We're actually friends. I enjoy movies recently. Wow. OK. All right. That's an odd thing to drop. I guess you're really hoping she watches this.

I'm really hoping she doesn't, actually.

It's going to be great. So where do you see this friendship with benefits going?

Hoping it probably will just turn into friends soon.

There you go.

Why is that? Are the benefits wearing off on you? You kind of used to the benefits?

No, I just think that, you know, she probably has more feelings for me and I'm like, oh, and that's not healthy. You know? That's not good. And I'm a people pleaser at my core,

and I'm like, I gotta, this needs to stop.

We just saw you with your shirt off. You don't have much of a core.

Yeah.

Or nipples.

Got him!

No, you're great, Thomas. Fun times, my friend. I loved your set. Great stuff. Congratulations. That's a big joke book. Thomas Lamontagne, everybody. His Kill Tony debut.

Back to the bucket we go. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Priya Blunts, everyone. It's Priya Blunts. Make some noise for Priya, everybody.

Make some noise if you love your mother. Hell yeah.

I love my mother, but that bitch is crazy. I overheard her on the phone with customer service the other day, and she was so pissed, so pissed that they had given her an Indian, somebody with an Indian accent. And she was so pissed that she demanded an American. Yeah.

And then that American did not understand her Indian accent. Yeah, when I was 17, I got arrested. And like an Indian mother, her first instinct when she saw me there in the precinct was to just slap me across the face.

And the cop had to pull one of these. He was like, nope, didn't see it, didn't see it. And then she slapped me again. And then she slapped me again. And then she slapped me again. And that's when the cop was like, ma'am, I'm gonna need you to stop

because if you keep going, I do have to pay you and give you a badge. I remember before my wedding, my mom threw a tantrum because she told me there's no such thing as a traditional Indian bride with bangs. She told me... And so together on the spot,

we had to Google Indian bride bangs?

-$1,000.

Hey, and you know what? None of those girls had bangs.

-$1,000.

Good job, Priya. You've been on this show before.

Just one time, yeah.

But that was much better than the last time, right? Oh, you think so?

Okay, yeah. It did, yeah, it was good.

I don't know if I would have just said yes on that. Dawn, with the momentum that I was gifting you. Thank you. But if you wanna argue about whether or not that was better than your last set, we can. No, I'm kidding. How long you been doing standup? It'll be six years this December. And the last time you were on was a couple years ago?

No, it was about a year and a half ago.

Okay, that's basically a couple years ago. Perfect, wow. Wow, you seem like you'd be a real friend with benefits. So Priya, what do you do for a living?

Right now I don't do anything for a living. I've been trying to do stand-up and acting full-time for the past three months. I do a lot of background acting work. I do some man on the street content. So if you see me harassing people

on the streets of New York, no you didn't.

So you're in New York City?

Yeah, I've been between New York and here. I've been between New York and here. I've been between New York and here. And I am looking for a roommate in Austin, if anybody else is looking.

Yes, if anybody wants a good old Indian roommate.

Uh, you know.

I will make the place smell. I will. I swear to God. I cook. I cook a lot.

Yeah.

I love it.

I love it.

Nothing better than-

We knew that joke was coming. Indian roommate.

Okay, so Priya, tell the people what would be, what makes you a great roommate. See if we can't get you a fucking roommate here.

I'm actually a really shitty roommate. I keep really, I keep terrible hours. I cook a lot. I don't do the dishes. So, it's just vibes. I have a lot of weed. That's my redeeming quality as a roommate.

What do you cook a lot of? Give us some of the menu of Priya Blunt's.

You know what I've been really into right now is making like tuna ceviche.

Oh, perfect. I mean, again, I see a lot of people really, I see some couple, even some couples are talking about inviting you to live in their household right now. Tuna ceviche with dirty dishes in the sink. D-Madness is literally leaving. He can't stand... He can't stand the thought.

Well, his sense of smell is there, true. Yeah. It's like, tuna, see you later. All right. Priya, how much is the rent? Matt Mueling wants to know that you're paying right now.

Wait, what?

How much is... Wait, no, you don't have a, do you have a place here?

I don't.

So you're, where, like on a night like tonight,

where do you sleep?

In an Airbnb.

Ah, okay.

All right. Matt, get in there, man.

Yeah. have a type don't you I swear to God I'm not homeless I swear I do live out of a suitcase but I am NOT homeless yeah Wow okay he lives out of a guitar case so

you guys can be basically equals I know I know Priya we're friends and but I have never been on the show when you've been on the show so I wasn't expecting to see you come out here but I was very relieved that you had such a good set because it sucks when you know comes out and they eat ass That was great. I thought it was great. I'm not just saying that I thought it was great. Oh, thank you. You're welcome

Yeah

Very good. Hi Louis. Hi, how are you Priya? I'm good. Yeah, you guys all know each other from New York City, huh? Yeah, world friends. I've never met Priya? I'm good. Yeah. You guys all know each other from New York City, huh? Yeah.

We're old friends. Are we? I don't know.

I've never met Priya in my entire life.

I just, anytime somebody says hi to me, I act like I know them.

I did Skank Fest last year.

Oh!

I've never met her at Skank Fest.

What's with the bangs though? Have you always had those horrible bangs? Great question. I've had them since I was literally two years old. Literally two years old and I never got rid of it.

You have a big forehead or something?

Actually, it's a pretty normal sized forehead.

Well, you're not pulling it all the way back exactly.

Oh, there it is, all right. Yeah, okay.

It's kind of misshapen. What is a fun fact about your life? Are both of your parents Indian? Yes, they are. Okay, and what do they think about you doing standup?

They really don't like it. They think it ruined my life and they think it drove my ex-husband away.

Okay, and what did your ex-husband do for a living? What's he like?

Tell us about him. He's a crypto bro. He was a Russian crypto bro.

He was Russian? Yeah, I speak foreign Russian. Can you say he was Russian out of that relationship? Yeah.

It was me. I left him. I left him. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Go. But up a ruski man. Yes.

It was john john dees. Wow! Holy shit! Damn!

I feel like that was cued up for anything I would have said.

Damn! I gave Redband such a slap of approval, he's literally like, It wasn't me! Love that. Amazing. Holy shit. So did you only learn Russian because you were with him?

Uh, yeah. Why the fuck else would somebody learn Russian because you were with him?

Yeah, why the fuck else would somebody learn Russian?

I mean, I don't know. It's like a chicken or the egg type of thing. Maybe you learned Russian somewhere where you were? No.

Could have been anywhere. No, and now it's the most useless language to know for no reason.

How long was that relationship that you learned Russian?

I was married to my high school sweetheart.

Yes, I was married to my high school sweetheart. Yes, I was that okay. So you went to high school with them? Yeah, so we were together for a total of 14 years. Holy shit. And how long ago did this end? Oh about two years ago two and a half years ago. Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head About two years ago. So how it must be hard learning how to date and be with new people. Yeah, I'm not really doing great. I'm not really doing great. Actually, I'm doing not so bad right now.

I'm seeing an older man.

Okay.

Yeah.

We're getting through these daddy issues one blue chew at a time, God damn it. Yes. Okay.

Wait, what?

I said, we're getting through these daddy issues one blue chew at a time.

Okay. One blue black guy. Yeah. OK, wow. Whip it through the glass.

Wow.

Damn.

I'm just surprised they need blue shoes. I always picture them being fully operational, but that reminds me. If you do need blue shoe, use promo code Tony at bluechew.com.

I love it.

Perfect. Yes, we love it. It works all the time. And remember, boys and girls, if you're about to come too fast, picture Red Band in a red cowboy hat.

Lasts much longer.

It goes both ways.

Blue Chu and Red Band, a perfect combination. All right. So Priya, tell us about this older black man. What does he do? Is there a reason why D-Madness walked away when you came up on stage?

Uh, he's an older man. You know, he's an older dude. He actually did spend some time in prison. That is a.

Wow, what did he do to get put in prison?

It was gun charges.

Gun charges, OK.

I shouldn't really be talking about this.

No, it's great. It's fantastic. It's very compelling podcasting. So you've been with him for about how long?

It's been about four or five months.

Where did you meet him at exactly?

I met him backstage at a show. He's not a comedian, but he's a writer. Yeah, that's all I'm gonna say.

Wow, is that what he said to you when he met you?

Yeah, Yeah. Hey.

He actually did suggest today that we elope, and I don't know how to feel about it.

Wow.

I do. It's not a good idea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The fuck?

Gun charges, writer. Five months. Don't elope. Just let it breathe a bit.

You know what it is? I feel like I did everything right. I did everything right the first time, married my high school sweetheart, picture perfect everything, you know, and it just didn't work out, so why the fuck not?

That's not the right thing.

You're not supposed to marry your high school sweetheart. You're supposed to date them

and then break up with them in college and fuck a bunch of people and experience life and then get married when you're like 35 to somebody you settled for.

Well, that's why I-

That's true. That is, Luis J. Gomez should be writing a book right now on how to live life.

Yeah, so I do feel like in some ways I'm doing my 20s now, because I feel like I did my 30s in my 20s. Does that make sense?

Are you talking about his prison sentences? 20s to 30s? All right.

I'm making all the mistakes of somebody in their 20s. Got it. No, I got it.

I was trying to make a prison sentence joke there. It didn't really come across as clear. Um, how long are you in Austin, Texas for? I'm leaving tomorrow, actually.

Oh, okay.

And, uh, this boyfriend of yours, does he travel with you? No, but he's between New York and LA a lot, so I move around a lot, he moves around a lot, it works out.

Okay, and final question, what is your favorite thing about being with a black man that's different than a white man?

Oh.

Oh.

It's a pretty easy question, so.

Oh. Oh.

I mean, there's definitely a lot of things, but I want to say his confidence.

Wow. That is not what I thought you were going to say.

Emphasis on con.

And you know what? I was going to give you a normal, big, regular leather joke book, but Bonesight just so happened to make a black one. So congratulations. That is aged, fine, black leather, which is exactly what you're going home to tomorrow. Thank you guys. There she goes. Priya Pluntz, everybody. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having a good time? All right. I'm gonna

fly through another bucket full here. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Davey Jackson. Here comes Davey Jackson.

♪♪

What's up, y'all?

I was at a party in Los Angeles recently.

Boo.

I was there with my friend. She's a Chinese immigrant lesbian, and that's not important for the story, but I just need you to know I'm a good person. So we're at this party, really fancy party. They had drink menus and everything,

and Ling Ling walks up to me in the middle of the party. And she goes, hey, Devi. She had an accent, but I'm not gonna do the accent, obviously. She goes, hey, Devi, what's this drink on the menu?

A Negro-nee?

Jesus Christ, Ling Ling, lower your voice, first of all. All right?

It's called a Negroni.

All right? She goes, oh, Negroni. Is that a drink for black people? No, dude. It's not a drink for black people. That's Hennessey, and they don't have that at this party.

That's why it's such a quiet party, all right? We don't name our drinks after the people that drink them. You know what I mean? Except for, like, white Zinfandel, white Claw, white Russians. But aside from that, dude, that's it.

Thank y'all.

Davey Jackson. All of that checks out. Welcome back, Davey. You've been on the show quite a few times. Four times, yeah. Four times. How's life been going for you? What's new? It's been pretty good, dude.

I almost got arrested at the airport recently. Tell us about it.

I had a gun in my backpack. Ooh, that'll do it.

Yeah, I forgot I was in there. Yeah.

They got me. They got you.

So.

And you, Omo, you didn't get arrested?

No, dude, I'm white.

Yeah.

Yeah. I was gonna say,

it's racism in action happening right now.

Yeah. When you live in Texas long enough, it'll happen to you too. You end up with a gun in your backpack from a trip that you took or whatever. And then you accidentally forget to take it out. It ends up somewhere. And then you're in the airport. And then you just have to take it to your car.

And then you go back in through TSA. Even if you're me, they just take you right to the front. They're like, we'll take it. And then you're good, right? You had to take him to your car? No. No, I'm guessing you... I did went through the x-ray thing. So they confiscated the gun and took me down into the airport dungeon.

And they interrogated me.

I guess there's levels to whiteness. There's levels to this that I don't have to worry about. So how long did you spend down there? Did you make your flight? I did, yeah. I actually made my flight. They confiscated the gun. I mean seriously if I was a black guy listening to this I'd be like fuck this fucking shit, man

Made his flight. Yeah, that's even impressive to me. Yeah, one of the cops gave me a number to punching air right now Okay, so and you made your flight yeah, yeah, wow, yeah, and you made your flight. Yeah, yeah. Wow.

They fined me. They said it was going to be ten grand, but actually one of the TSA people recognized me from this show. Yeah. And I only got fined $1,500. Wow.

That was pretty sick. Yeah, didn't catch a felony either.

That is a huge deduction. Boy, it's free. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, the kill Tony touch ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I got coupon code it is bring a gun to an airport member Bluechu use the promo code Tony and if you get caught with a gun at TSA promo code kill Tony save

85% on your Fines at an airport. Oh shit. Look at this motherfucker D madness an airport oh shit look at this motherfucker deep madness all right so Davey what else is going on tell us about your love life are you still trying to hang out with dangerous Latino women I remember that being a fetish of yours no gotten stabbed before by a wild but you know

what she died whoa yeah dude holy shit did. It's very sad, very tragic, obviously, but she's dead now.

Wow.

Amazing. How did she die? Drugs? You had a pain pill problem.

I didn't do it. I had nothing to do with it. It was cancer.

She died of cancer.

Wow.

Amazing.

Regular old cancer. She got her, dude. Out of nowhere. Karma's a bitch, you know? Interesting. Interesting.

What kind of cancer?

Uh, cancer cancer.

Boob?

No, no, it was not boob cancer.

Thank God, you know?

Wow. Interesting. Okay. You don't know the type of cancer?

I wasn't with her. Like, I just found out that she died.

Oh, yeah, you might ask a question or two.

She stabbed me, bro.

Oh, she did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did you say that already or was that from last time?

Tony knows that. That's from last time, yeah.

Oh, okay. What'd she stab you for?

Being a white guy with gold teeth.

She went through your phone when you were sleeping? That's exactly right. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds right.

Wow.

Uh-huh.

Where'd she stab you? Right up in here. Yeah. Again, all of this. This is, if anyone's ever dated a Latina woman before, this is just very common. You simply have to, pro tip, put your phone in between the mattress and the box spring

while you sleep. You can't hide it on a charger. Lewis, you know about this. Oh, I know. Well, I put it in my pillowcase and then I wrap the pillowcase up.

Just to jerk my entire fucking body off of it in order to get it.

Oh, I thought you were gonna hit her with it.

Okay.

Nice.

No, that's the right thing to do, yeah.

That's how you get brain cancer. Keys will get you. Davey, anything else crazy we should know about your life before getting you out of here?

No, dude, I just got back from Portland and Seattle. That was kind of weird.

Yeah, I saw all the protesters out there.

Yeah, that's all they do. They have a lot of time on their hands, these protesters. Pretty crazy, right?

Yeah, it was weird. It was really, really weird. I interviewed some fat ladies. They were actually pretty cool.

Okay.

Yeah, no one threw anything at me. But there's definitely some Antifa shit going on out there.

It's a real thing, and that's where they exist, thank God. We'd like to keep them up there in lower Canada. Portland and Seattle. Yes, where they belong. Getting cleansed by God himself with never-ending rain and clouds.

And there's a wolf there for some reason. And an alien. All right, very good. Thank you, Red Ben. Wow. Uh, Davey, you already have a big joke book? I do have a big joke book.

Is it full? Oh, yeah.

All right, here's another one. There you go, Davey Jackson, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go, everybody, and we are in for indeed a special treat. This is one of the elite golden ticket winners of the history of the entire show. He took a golden ticket here, which is a great show this is,

watched by Howie Mandel, who decides who's on America's Got Talent, got on America's Got Talent and was the runner up of an entire season. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while. This is the return and a new minute from Aaron Belial, everybody. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial.

Fuck yeah.

It's just gonna be another seven and a half minutes, everybody. Here we go. Aaron Belial. Aaron Belial. You guys gotta keep playing with that, Tim. It takes a while.

Oh, shit.

Aaron, A-H-O. Who wants to see me do some crowd work? Well, I can't talk, so you're not fucking gonna. Fine, I'll give it a try. Hello, random person who I'm never gonna see again. What's your name? That's a stupid name.

I'm gonna talk to someone else. What about you? What's your name? Hello, insert name here. What do you do for work? Just so everyone can hear, Insert Name Here said they work as an insert job here.

Do you like insert job here?

Hello, Insert name here.

What do you do for work?

Depending on what you said, I'm either happy for you or sad for you. Just kidding, I don't really give a fuck. My crowd work is great. It's just people awkwardly staring at me, waiting to hear what next fucked up thing will come out of my mouth phone.

My mom fucking loves Tylenol.

Aaron Belial.

Wow.

Amazing. Fantastic. And a great analysis of what crowd work is. Let's check in with the great Joe DeRosa.

Aaron, this is the only time in my life I will ever be allowed to say this. You are pushing the boundaries of iPhone comedy in ways I didn't know were possible. It's very good. It's very good. It's very good.

Now say the N-word.

Oh. Oh.

Aaron, it is incredible. That is amazing. Aaron's been thriving. He's doing comedy all the time, selling tickets.

He's on the road. He's got a whole new swag to him as well. Like, dude, what's going on? You got a fucking sleeve on your arm? You got a nice watch on, a gold necklace on? Yeah. What is happening with you?

Are you Puerto Rican now?

He's been on the road with Stevo.

Yeah, he's been opening for Stevo. Can I suck your cock? Wow, look at that. I think he was expecting me to ask a question. He had that loaded up already. It is amazing. You've been on the road with Stevo, and continuously, I mean, every day it seems,

Stevo has an incredible work ethic, and he came back, indeed, with a giant gold chain. It is incredible. And now he's going to respond.

I got to tattoo Steve-O's assistant on tour. We duct taped a tattoo gun to my claw and I went to town.

Oh my God, you did it with that hand? Jesus Christ.

What's it look like?

Yeah, what does the tattoo look? I mean, we know what it, it looks like shit, I'm sure. What was it supposed to be?

I'll send you a picture.

All right, perfect.

Amazing.

Does Steve-O just like, does Steve-O just put you in shopping carts and push you down half pipes all the time? That's what I assume it would be like hanging out with Stevo.

What's incredible about Aaron is, this is how we all thought Stevo would end up.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! and we can't use the bathroom in it, and I had the brilliant idea of getting Indian food at 11 at night.

Oh, shit.

So we had to use the bushes. I can't squat, so Stevo had to hold me up while I took a shit in the bush.

Oh, my God.

It sounds like you guys have a lot of... True story. Yeah, no, we believe it. We definitely believe it. It's easy to believe Steve-O stories. We love Steve-O, he's been on the show numerous times and you guys are just a perfect match for each other.

It seems like you guys really have fun. Your service dogs get along with each other. It's a match made in heaven. It is incredible. Oh, he has something he really wants to fucking say. Look at this shit.

Look at this motherfucker type. It looks like he's getting in the last second bets before a UFC fight. Real fucking degenerate DraftKings. By the way, DraftKings, use the promo code KILLTONY.

Oh, shit.

Wait, what?

No, clear.

Oh, clear? Whoa, I don't think we were supposed to hear that. Go ahead. My fucking dog sleeps in his bed. Not with me. Wow. Even your dog knows about those residual checks that he's getting. From seven and a half jackass movies.

I put him down yesterday.

Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Amazing.

Anything else crazy we should know about Aaron? What else is going on?

I got a full back tattoo like an hour ago in a hotel by some big Mexican guy. No you didn't.

Really? No fucking way. This guy's living a wild life right now. I see the tattoo tape. Drum roll please. Oh my god! Drum roll, please. Oh, my God. He really did.

Aaron has five times as good of a body as that model.

But those nipples.

You could be a model$5,000.

You could be a model in Miami, Aaron. That is an incredible observation. Oh, shit, I want to see how this next part of the... Oh, yeah, there it is. Service dog Joe DeRosa.

-$5,000. It's gonna be...

That's a good boy. DeRosa's never had to put a guy's clothes on his body.

There you go.

Amazing.

I can't get over how fast he can type. I'm able-bodied. I can't send one text without a typo in it. Every text I send, I'm like, fuck, fuck, no, not that, fuck! This is crazy how accurate you are.

He's gotten really good at it.

I have a really bad fever, man.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

You have a fever right now?

Uh, what?

That hotel was a bad idea.

The hotel? No, the back tattoo. You have an infection right now.

You have a fever right now for real? John Dee says he's foaming at the mouth. He always does that. That's a normal thing. That's part of the condition.

Wait, wait. Oh, he's making a noise.

You said you had a fever. Hold on.

What? He's pointing at John. Is it jungle fever?

Hey.

Say the word.

No, Aaron, no. We're not saying the N word. Make some noise for Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. An unbelievable set. Reigning, defending, undisputed golden ticket winner.

Does he really have a fever though?

You really do?

Get the fuck out of here.

Maybe we should switch this mic out.

Jesus Christ.

Every fucking time there's a sick person, I'm on the end.

Yeah.

Every time.

It's true.

God damn it, man.

It's true. And by the way, you know, we don't know exactly what he has, but I can tell you last week he was a professional bodybuilder. So you'll be just fine. You just might lose your voice and have a curled up arm. All right. We're having fun here tonight.

We're back to the bucket. And this looks like a fun name. Make some noise. 60 second uninterrupted set going to soda pop, everyone. Soda pop. All right

Austin you having fun tonight Let's go. This city is gorgeous. I mean you guys are absolutely beautiful. I just left that dump They call Knoxville. Let me tell you guys that place is dirty I mean there's trash and garbage all over the place everywhere I go everywhere I look the streets are literally riddled with litter, but not here though. Mm-hmm not in Boston As a matter of fact ever since I've shown up. I haven't seen one Puerto Rican

Yeah, I know it's a little insensitive I might have a couple couple of screws loose. You know I'm working on my own. I got a therapist now. Come to find out I got this whole multi-personality schizophrenia thing going on. So you know, I got that going for me. Hey, that reminds me. If you or a loved one is experiencing

some type of existential crisis, perhaps it's time you try, what was it, Talkspace or Perhaps it's time you should try Talkspace. Talkspace will match you with a licensed therapist within minutes. Don't forget to use promo code Killtonia at checkout. Love you guys. Thank you.

Alright, Soda Pop. Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't...

Sorry about that. The guy's fucking an inch away from me going, I'm a schizoid fucking parent. I'm fucking scared shitless right now.

I know. I'm just sick. I'm sorry schizoid fucking parent. I'm fucking scared shitless right now.

No.

I'm just sick. I'm sorry about that.

It's okay.

Jesus Christ. Flip the on-off switch on that monitor.

You just missed something, guys. So, Soda Pop just flung his headband at this hot chick in the front row, and she caught it and made a face of disgust and threw it back at him. Wow.

That is incredible.

Thank you.

Can we get Heidi and some towels out here before this whole table explodes? There is a lot of electricity running through this thing.

Oh, I'm feeling electric tonight.

No, Soda Pop, you suck, Soda Pop. Yes. Let me just tell you. I'm just gonna wait until the cleaning was over, but I'll tell you, since you wanted to jump on and say you had an electric set, that was crazy bad.

You went through it like you've rehearsed it a specific way.

Maybe, you know, yeah, I have.

Are you new at stand-up?

Literally, yeah, just starting, man. I'm looking for a mentor, you know? I'm trying to develop this whole multi-schizo personality.

I got news for you, you should be looking for a mento.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Because he stinks, come on, folks.

Makes perfect sense. OK, a singular mento. I've never even heard it called that before. Okay, soda pop. Have you been diagnosed as schizophrenic from a professional?

Um...

Or is this a...

You can say that. Somebody you know. It's a doctor you know. Actually, you're familiar with this doctor. Dr. Jordan Peterson. Have you heard of him?

Yes. Yes.

Dr. Jordan Peterson. So I was spiraling down the depths of hell and I came across a book called We Who Wrestle With God, which is on sale at Amazon.com. Don't forget to use promo code KILLTONY. But I came across this book and that inspired me to kind of just come out here

and give this a shot.

Okay, so you read a book. I did. And that he didn't, he didn't, he didn't diagnose you with this.

No, but if, no, no, no, no.

You read a book and...

This whole idea with like this, just follow me here. So this whole schizo thing is part of the bit of developing different characters that I can incorporate on because this whole soda pop thing comes from me being a white fucking greaser, white trash piece of shit.

Right. Orlando, Florida.

Orlando, Florida. Of course, yeah. Get that down. I actually got robbed by Cam Patterson. You know what the fuck I love?

Okay. Soda pop.

Let's check in with Luis J Gomez. I don't know what it is, dude. Like, you're the most hateable person

I've ever met in my entire life.

It is kind of crazy.

I hate...

I hate every one of your personalities.

Yeah.

You sound a lot like my doctor, dude.

But you don't have a doctor.

Actually, I do, thanks to TalkSpace.

Do you? No. Do you?

Yes, I, yeah.

Do you really talk to somebody on an online therapist platform? Well, I mean... It's a yes or...

No, I currently no. Have I? Yes. I don't know what kind of question you're asking.

It's a very easy question. I'm going to ask you another easy question, Soda Pop. Let's check, oh wait, okay. How old are you? I'm gonna ask you another easy question, Soda Pop. Let's check the wait. Okay. How old are you? I'm 35. 35. That's a straight answer. We're getting warmer here.

How do you... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. How do you make money, Soda Pop? How do you make money? What do you do?

Well, recently, I got a job at the Lucky Duck. I also recently got fired at the Lucky Dog. Okay. All right. Soda Pop. This is a true fucking story.

Is it a story?

Dude, I'm telling you the truth. I walked in there and asked them if they needed a doorman. They were like, yeah, we got you. They put me on shift. I did well, but apparently they don't want me making out with chicks and finger banging them in the speech.

All right, all right. Here's a little joke book, Soda Pop. There you go. There goes Soda Pop, everybody. Absolutely inconsolable.

Can I, uh?

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Can I, uh?

Soda Pop might be one of the worst of the year.

Can I explain what made me spill that drink?

Oh, no. It made perfect sense. If you notice, I didn't get upset or flinch or anything. I'm like, I would have... It would have happened to anybody.

You're sick, man.

No, first he said, I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, and then during his set, he dropped the mic fully down and just started talking without the microphone. Yeah. And it scared the living shit out of me.

Yeah. It was so fucking crazy. It made perfect sense. Meanwhile, you know, Aaron Belial built his little mountain of Bluetooth and there was no spill whatsoever. But that guy, it made sense. Yeah, no. All right, moving on.

You guys still out there?

Anything can happen.

As you know, clearly, this show, anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Diedrich Flynn, everyone. Diedrich Flynn.

What you know about being able to beat the last level of Sonic the Hedgehog while you a kid, but Sonic the Hedgehog while you a kid but they come repo the TV while you playing it? Cause your friends mama stopped having sex with the nigga from Rent-A-Center. Yeah, yeah, y'all know shit about me. What you know about your uncle getting caught with a felony amount of stolen Febreze plug-ins

that he stole from the local Target? Like thousands and thousands of them, and the only reason why the cops found him is because he had them plugged into every single outlet, so his light bill was $10,000, and his house reeked of ocean breeze.

Yeah, you know shit about my life. Y'all know me, fuck you. I'm from Atlanta, Georgia. I moved to Austin to take down Tesla. Y'all, fuck with Teslas. And I know there's a lot of white people in here.

Y'all love Tesla, because most white people is robots. That's not me being racist. I saw 13 Terminator movies. I never saw a black robot. I never saw a Mexican robot.

I hated him.

I see that shit. Hell yeah. Yo, we got what we do is, what we do is we meet every Thursday. Y'all come meet me this Thursday. We go to rich neighborhoods, and we unplug Teslas.

All right, we unplug. Call Tesla. What's happening? Holy shit.

What's up? What's up, what's happening? Holy shit. What's up? Ladies and gentlemen. What's up?

Wow.

What's up? Oh my God.

Yeah.

Oh shit.

Yeah.

Yeah. It needs to be.

What's up, bro?

What a difference five minutes makes.

We went from soda pop to diabetes.

Yeah.

Holy shit. The black storm from Atlanta, Georgia has arrived. D-Day. We went from soda pop to diabetes. Yeah. Holy shit. The black storm from Atlanta, Georgia has arrived. Diedrich Flynn.

It's Dedrick though.

Oh, okay, Diedrich.

Diedrich, my student loan name.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Diedrich.

Oh, my God. My God.

Yeah, that was fucking... How long have you been doing comedy? 12 years. You're a beast. I'm telling you, you're a beast. Don't fuck it up with drugs or alcohol or being an asshole. I'm serious. I'm serious. That's the only way people fuck it up. You're so fucking good, you have so much to offer.

DeRosa's talking to himself right now.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't got them kind of problems, but I appreciate all that nice shit you was saying.

Listen, don't be like me.

Okay.

No, I'm serious, dude. You're a fucking demon, dude.

Oh, yeah.

I gotta tell you, Joe, that was one of the most accidentally racist things I've ever heard in my life. He's like, you're doing good. Don't fuck it up with drugs and alcohol and too much Kool-Aid and don't go choking on chicken bones or anything like that.

I really, I mean it sincerely. Guys with immense talent can only fuck it up by getting in their own way. Dude, you're so fucking good, dude. That's incredible. I'm serious.

You are fucking incredible.

All right, great. I'm serious. You are fucking incredible. I agree. Thank you so much. Thank y'all.

Yeah, I'm telling you.

Thank you.

You're, like, legit, like, it wasn't like what you were doing. I don't even know how much of that was, like, in your act, but it was like, it wasn't, like, refined stand-up. It was just genuinely funny. Like, you can't teach what you have, which is just like you came out, you just fucking own this room. That's the type of confidence that you need to really fucking blow up and congratulations.

Thank you so goddamn much for that. Nah, but I wrote that shit. I ain't gonna let you get away with that. I wrote the fuck out that joke. I just perform good as a motherfucker. I work hard.

But that's... You're damn right, Desher. That's the brilliance of it, is when you make it look that organic when it's all written and it looks like it's off the head, but it's not. You were fucking amazing. Now, let's not discount,

there was a train wreck disaster out here before you came on stage. So that helped a little bit.

It wasn't, there was nobody in front of me. I was gonna rip this bitch. You're damn right 39 and motherfucking times

Hold on a second

You've signed you've signed up that many times 39 times you've signed up

Wow Wow. I ripped this bitch. Wow. I ripped this bitch. Dedrick Flynn.

Thank you.

This is absolutely incredible. So what have you been doing with your life up until this point?

Goddamn, I've fucking been cool as fuck, been busting my ass.

Yeah.

I moved here because I wanted to come do this shit. So I wanted to get the pop from this. And then I work at a red band over there at Sunset.

You work at Sunset?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Sunset!

Sunset!

Sunset!

Wow.

Represent Sunset. This is the greatest ad you've ever had in your life. Seriously, Tony, if you look at all the Sunset employees that come on this show, they're always killing it. Oh, yeah, well, I mean, not quite as hard as Dedrick. But, yes, they're all solid, but Dedrick is something special here.

I'm dead serious. This is the highest compliment a comedian can pay another comedian. If I had to follow you, I'd be nervous. I'm serious. You're that fucking good.

I'm really serious. It's true. It's true. Joe would also be nervous if you were following him.

Yeah.

I mean, this is a ski mask, too, so I didn't know how the night was gonna go.

Wow.

Dedrick Flynn. So, what's the longest set you've ever done?

Hour 30.

Hour 30. And that was in Atlanta?

No, that was up in Memphis. I've been headlining for about 10 years.

Makes perfect sense.

Yeah.

Absolutely. Just traveling. Tell us more about your life in Austin. What's your living situation?

Shit, I got a motherfucking roommates.

Yep.

And they got a cat. I hate the cat, but that's, you know. But I respect the cat, so, you know what I'm saying? If you're a cat person, I don't know. You just look soft, you know what I'm saying? I don't... I don't know.

Wow.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My bad. Dedrick Flynn, you can follow him. Yeah, follow him.

Thank you so much for coming out. Follow him on the internet Amazing dead trick. I mean I gotta tell you you are just a fucking storm And if you can do that, then that probably means you could do it again sometime so instead of doing the big hoopla in No, no, no, it's even it's even crazier than you think. And I've never met you before. I know people think, oh, he works at Sunset.

They probably know this guy. I had no idea you were going to be here. Clearly, you've signed up 39 times and you've never gotten on. So I have some really special news for you. I have a job if you want it.

Yeah, I want it.

You're going to, yeah, you're going to bypass a golden ticket completely, and you're going to be a full-time regular here on Killtongue.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It has not happened in years.

All right, now you've invaded my space. No, I'm kidding.

The last regular appointed was Ari Maddy, before him Cam Patterson. So literally, you can do a set every single week if you want to.

I want to.

We just lost our, we lost our resident black to SNL, so, you know.

That my cousin.

Yeah.

Cam Pat, that my cousin for real.

I know, I get it. Y'all are cousins. And now you're part of the Kill Tony family. So we're all cousins.

We all cousins in here.

A storm has formed, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, cousins? The Black Storm from Atlanta, Georgia.

And I love that you're on the secret show.

Well, yeah, you're gonna have him on the secret show.

Wow.

One more time for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. You are here. 39 times. Wow. Months and months and months of signing up. And now you were here. You saw it live.

A brand new regular. Bigger than a golden ticket. It's been years since we've done that. We'll see. Hopefully, hopefully he stays away from the drugs and alcohol.

All right.

Clearly anything can happen here. You've seen the lowest lows and the highest highs possible. Make some noise for your next bucketful. It's Alessio Esposito. How we doing, everyone?

I'm Alessio. I'm Italian of Jewish descent, which means I like my salami without the skin. Also means that while half my family were hiding in World War II, the other half were seeking. Yeah, that's true by the way, my granddad fought for the Nazis in World War II, which was not good for his LinkedIn. Yeah, but it did make for pretty good dinner time conversations. You know, I could ask my granddad questions like, -"Granddad, did you ever commit any war crimes?"

And he'd just look at me with those big blue eyes.

-$9.

I was like, is that no or the number? Because it makes a big difference. But, you know, I never believed him. Granddad said he was a gaslighter.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's my time.

Thank you.

Alessio Esposito.

Welcome, welcome.

Thank you.

Welcome, Alessio. How long you been on standup? Two years.

Where at?

In Manchester in the UK. Okay. That's where you live? That's where you're born and raised? No, I was born and raised in Italy and then I moved to Manchester when I was six. Okay, because, yep, that makes your parents move there. Why did your parents move to England?

My dad's job.

Your dad's job. Where in Italy were you born?

Genoa, if anybody knows.

Yeah, that is the home of a very fancy salami. You guys specialize in salami. For ketchup. Tony is an expert in all salamis. It's true. And sausage.

And balls.

You f***.

So Alessio, how long are you in America for?

I'm here till the 3rd of November.

The 3rd of November. But when did you get here?

I got here on the 10th of November.

I love that even when they're saying it, they put the date above the month. Instead of November 10th, it's the 10th of November. All right, perfect.

I might be wrong.

How are you? Is this your first time in America?

No, it's like, I don't know, quite a lot. I like it here.

Yeah, of course. It's pretty good. Yeah, compared to England. What do you hate about England right now? Tell us about the life in England while these good Americans are sitting here and people around the world can hear your unbiased take on it.

It's better than Twitter says.

Yes.

I would say it's better than Twitter says.

Yes.

Better than Twitter says, everybody, for those of you keeping track. Twitter. OK. What do you, how do you make money, Alessio? I work in marketing. Okay. Yeah. Do you like that?

Yeah, I mean, I do marketing for comedians, so I get to meet cool people. I quite enjoy that.

All right.

Cool.

Joe DeRosa.

That was, dude, I got impressed. I'm so impressed, man. That was a great set is really fucking impressive, man.

Good shit.

That is a great point.

Seriously.

The old reverse soda pop is having to follow Dedrick Flynn. Not easy at all. Alessio, tell us something crazy about your life.

Oh, where do you want to start? Dad's Italian, mom's a Jew? No, granddad was a Jew. Doesn't fully follow down the line.

Oh, okay.

So you just say Jew so that it increases your chances of making it in show business. Very smart, very smart. But you don't practice?

I'm Catholic.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's the opposite, ladies and gentlemen. We're really finding out the truth here. Okay. So tell us a crazy fact about your life, Alessio.

I once flew from England to America.

Oh, wow. That's D's again. Keep going, John. No, that's the right, that's perfect.

I Once flew Fuck man I've never wished I had an Italian accent more Fuck yeah Yeah, man

You want you once flew I'll try again. Yeah

you guys I Once I went

These guys are good. I once it There's a talented team around me here. You once flew.

To America. I'm skipping that part. I once flew over to, fuck I started it again. I once flew over to America to try and sleep with someone. After I met them once on spring break.

Wow.

Yeah, it was a bad choice financially and it made.

Okay, so hold on, let's get this right. You're talking to the person online, right?

No, I met her in Cancun. I came to your spring break. You guys know how to do Easter holidays.

Okay.

Yeah, and we had a great time, but we never kind of you know had the fun I was looking for right you never got to Manchester her England no I did not and and so she was like oh there's a cool party happening and I was like fuck it I've got 300 pounds left

let's Wow 300 pounds is a big bitch yeah I mean Wow to get on a flight for 300 pounds, Jesus Christ.

And it converts to American, she's only a buck 75.

Okay, so you met her in Cancun, but you didn't get to close the deal.

So I, yeah, so I came over. We had a big night out and I woke up in the morning.

Hold on one second, where was the big night out at?

In Michigan.

Disgusting, dude.

She's from the magical land of Michigan.

Oh, that must be where all the beautiful women are. Oh, what a magical place.

How come I don't get the music? Hey, oh, Michigan, a land of the most beautiful people. She must have a secure job and an amazing family.

300 pounds that lives in Michigan. Did you fly over here to fuck Michael Moore?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, Michigan, I bet the water there is as fresh as it flows. Oh, may I have a sip of your tap water? Oh. All right. So, you land in Michigan, then what do you guys

do? We went on a night out. I don't really remember much of the night out. I got completely blackout drunk, and I woke up in a bed in the morning, and I was like, this is good. I was like, did anything happen last night? She was like, no, no, you got in the bed and you passed out. Expensive. But then I also realized I'd pissed my pants.

Ah, yes. Wow.

Michigan shit.

Oh my goodness, yes. That's what people, it doesn't matter where you're from, and when you are in Michigan, pissing your pants while sleeping is just a normal thing.

Good to know.

Yeah.

Okay, but then you had to leave that day?

No, I went and stayed with a friend and we never spoke again.

Hold on, you went to Mi- So, this is an unbelievable tale. This is an unbelievable tale we have come across on this evening boys and girls for what we have learned no okay so you've you what where's was the friend

in michigan yeah i did i worked at a summer camp there so i knew some people you went to summer

camp in michigan hell yeah i don't know if that's a cool thing here for us it is how do you end up going to summer camp in Michigan if you live in Manchester, England?

Because they export or import English people to be camp counselors.

Heads up.

Damn. Do they have you guys vote democratic when you're here too? Some shady shit going on with America. All right. Okay, so you just had that one night and all you did was piss the bed.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

You didn't try to hang out with her again or anything?

I didn't want to know if she'd figured it out.

How did you find out that you pissed the bed?

You felt it?

Yeah.

Wow.

My goodness gracious. Incredible. Did you fuck your buddy from summer camp after that?

Not that long.

Okay, perfect.

All right, Alessio, well, fun times, and, uh, yeah, following the powerful Dedrick Flynn wasn't easy. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Alessio Esposito.

We're having fun tonight.

This is great. You're having fun tonight. Isn't it great? You guys having as much fun as I'm having tonight?

I love this show.

I gotta tell you, not only am I the host, I'm also a big fan. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Buffy, everybody. Buffy. Come on, make some noise for Buffy everyone.

I was on one of those family tree websites the other day and I discovered that I have at least three generations of pedophiles in my family. You can find us on incestry.com. Some families came over on the Mayflower, we came over on the D flower. I was running out of material so I started dating again. This time outside the family. Just because somebody can make you cum doesn't mean that they're your boyfriend.

They could be your grandpa.

Wow. Welcome. Buffy, hello, welcome.

Are you done?

One more.

We were a family with benefits. Instead of dental and vision, we had oral and anal. Wow. It just had oral and anal.

Wow. It just gets darker and darker with the comedy stylings of Buffy. Darkness served with a smile.

Hi, Buffy. Welcome.

This is your first time here, right?

It is.

Okay. Hell yeah. Let's jump right in. Louis J. Gomez.

You look like hot Roseanne.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Thank you.

Hell yeah. So, Buffy, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

About six years.

Okay, where at?

L.A.

All of it in L.A.? You're just visiting Austin?

I live in Austin now. When did you visiting Austin? I live in Austin now. When did you move here? It'll be a year Thanksgiving.

What do you do for work?

I'm a stunt driver.

No fucking way. Are you serious? That's one of the coolest jobs I've ever heard anybody ever say they have. One of my favorite movies is Death Proof. That must be like your main favorite movie.

Yes.

Yeah, that's incredible. How long have you been a stunt driving woman? I started out as a precision driver for about six years. As a what driver?

Precision.

Okay, so that's just like background.

Well, we drive with and around the stunt team and stunts and accidents and stuff and car chases.

Yeah.

But now you do the actual shit. Yeah. How long you been doing that for?

About a year and a half with that.

Okay.

And you get a lot of work doing that?

Well, I moved here. So I'm here now. I wasn't.

It kind of dried up.

Right.

She's talking about her vagina.

Yeah.

Anything we would know?

Like any famous stunt drivers?

Yeah. Where can we see your work at? Is there anything out there that we could see Buffy driving for?

My personal reels.

Okay, well.

And I won a stunt car.

You did?

How'd you win one?

It was a giveaway. I commented.

Perfect.

Well, I guess any of us could have done that. Amazing. So, Buffy, what made you start stand-up six years ago?

Um, Robin Williams. I felt like he helped to raise our consciousness with laughter, and I wanted to do that.

That's an adorable answer. Amazing. Do you have a family or anything? What's your story? I mean, other than the family that clearly fucked you through all your material. Do you have kids or anything?

No, just two dogs.

Okay. And they came with you to Austin, the dogs? And what's your love life like, Buffy?

I want a date. I'm trying.

What?

Everyone's trying to hook up Matt get in there newly single Lead guitarist here. Would you have a tight? I did like a lot of

Situationships in LA a lot of men fooled me. So I hung up my ho hat like two years ago Oh, and I came to seriously date men in Texas because I feel like they do that

Yeah, I don't know where but. Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right. I don't know where, but not here in Austin, they don't.

You have a tight... You hung up your ho hat when you were 50 years old?

Lewis, that's mean.

By the way, there's nothing a new guy you're dating loves you more than, I used to fuck like crazy, but not anymore. Oh, sweet. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That's fun. Can you tell us about one, perhaps, you've seen this show, right? You know how wild the interview portion is, right? Yes, yes. Okay, perfect.

Can you tell us about a crazy sexual experience of your life in Los Angeles? I mean, you're out there driving stunt cars, wearing the ho hat.

Okay. It's on. It's my favorite story.

Let's do it.

I was with four guy friends.

Slower.

Red band. Red band wants you to tell the story a little bit slower.

Red band is currently wearing their hoe head. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Well, like sucked my toes, kissed me. Like I was a buffet except no penetration.

No penetration. Luther?

So at one point-

And I didn't have to do anything.

You just laid there.

And received.

Wow. So one guy on the toes, one guy making out with you.

She probably has bunions to be fair.

Jesus.

Also, I love that even when she's talking about fucking, she talks in car terms.

I was serviced.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had one...

One guy was under my hood.

One dude ate my muffler.

I got an oil change. I got an oil change.

Wow.

Incredible.

One guy put his dipstick in, read it, put it back.

Yeah, yeah.

Incredible. One guy put his dipstick in, read it, put it back. Incredible.

I was on MT.

Right. Wow. Amazing. That's the sound of Red Band coming.

Ha ha ha ha.

Out of a kazoo.

So why do you think none of the four penetrated you? That's the part I don't understand. That's like going to a four guys going to a Chinese restaurant and just eating appetizers. No entrees, no one wanted to kung pow your chicken ding in this analogy.

They were Canadian.

Oh, now it makes sense.

What are their names?

Pussies.

Wow.

Do we know them?

Canadians.

They were Canadians.

I thought she said comedians.

No. Yeah, it was the kids in the hall.

You know? The entire time.

Wow.

Amazing. So have you been on a date since moving to Austin?

Yeah.

How's that gone?

It was a one and done.

One and done. What'd you do? Where did this guy pick up?

She told him that whorey story.

I refrain. I don't overshare like that anymore. Only on TV.

Yeah, perfect. That's the way to do it. So this Austin date, that was just like a... Michael, relax over here. Michael's trying a new percussion instrument during this.

Okay, go ahead.

It made me sad that he was my age and he'd already written off a bunch of things that he did physically, like snow skiing, just because of his age, and I want somebody that's active.

Right, absolutely. Wow, that makes sense. Have you tried, have you been on a date with anybody younger?

No, I'm trying that too. A lot of 20 year old men are after me on the dating apps and I'm like, am I a fetish? Cause I don't want to.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're a fetish and he's a fattish. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been with a young Latino man? Because speaking of it, you like them.

When, okay, like six years ago,

I had a 21-year-old boyfriend.

Wow. Okay. What went wrong there? He was Latino?

You had a 21-year-old boyfriend when you were 47 years old?

I was 43.

Okay. Yeah, he's kidding.

I know, it's okay. He's a real ass. You want a dry run?

Whoa.

Oh, wow.

Yes, I'll fuck you.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Dry's not a great word to use.

Yeah.

Want a friction fuck me later?

It was intentional.

Amazing.

What was?

Oh, the dry run line.

Yeah, my age.

Yeah, you're killing it. You're owning it, Buffy. You're doing a good job.

You're doing great.

Tell us one more crazy thing about your life, Buffy, before we let you out of here. Fun fact about Buffy.

I used to be an erotic beat poet.

What does that mean exactly? Does that go along with music or is that just acapella? I wrote erotica poetry, and I put it on top of beats.

Okay, what exactly is the beat that you remember

that you can do erotic poetry to? Pull out your stupid sticks that you had before. Turns out they were perfect for this exact moment. It's got little vibrators with them. And here we go. A one, a two, a one spotlight, and three, two, one, and erotic poetry starts now.

Oh, I didn't even mean to do that. Um, one of my songs was called Tongue Fuck. Here we go with our reenactment of Tongue Fuck. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buffy, everybody. This guy's got to go jerk off real quick.

There she is. Buffy.

It was Myspace. I don't remember my own lyrics, Tony.

Oh, okay. That's all right. Give her her phone, someone said. It's okay. All right. All right, Buffy, well.

Do you like anal?

That's the thing with Red Band, you can't do that. It has to be like a comedic effect to it. You can't just like literally ask somebody if they like anal. You have to say it in a joking way or something. Do you like anal?

It's like.

See, that's how you do it. All right.

One was like tongue fuck me as if it were your dick.

Wow.

That was one of the.

All right, this is some heady stuff.

Jotarosa gave up snow skiing a few years ago, so.

All right.

Buffy, fun times. I like your style. You're different. You're cool. You fit in. Welcome to the show.

Here's a big joke book.

Ready?

Yeah.

Woo!

It's your stunt woman!

In her mouth!

Catches it with her face and a smile.

Buffy.

All right.

Let's do one last bucket pull, huh? You guys having fun out there? Yeah! One last bucket pull, huh? You guys having fun out there? There goes Buffy, everybody. All right, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Andrew Haaack, Haak, perhaps? Double A, make some noise for Andrew Haak, everybody.

It's an honor to be at the show. However, I'm a little sad. A couple years ago we lost my favorite comic. He was a legend. So I thought I would do an impression of him for y'all tonight. When I was a little Jewish boy, my mother always told me to eat my fruits and vegetables, but I don't think she had in mind the sloppy, disgusting,

filthy threesome with Tony Hinchcliffe and Fiona Colley. I've never seen this many black men on a stage since Tony Hinchcliffe tried to buy slaves. And look at this beautiful audience. I haven't seen this many pieces of garbage since Tony Hinchcliffe and I took a trip to Puerto Rico! All right, Andrew Hack, everyone.

Andrew, welcome to the show. Do you do stand-up comedy? Do you just do impressions of other comedians?

I've been doing stand-ups, the first time I did it, I was 18, I'm 30. I've been hitting it real hard since I've been in town, so like five, six years.

Okay, but we have no idea what your stand-up's like after doing an experiment like that. You have another minute you want to do, maybe?

Sure.

All right, here he goes.

So you don't want another minute? No, it's give it to you. How long you been doing stand-up? What's the math on that? 18 and what? You did it. Is that 12 years? Perfect. Where at?

New York State, Chicago, and here. Wow. New York State.

Yeah, why do you say New York State?

Rochester, Buffalo.

Ooh. I never performed in the city.

Wow, never?

Well, why would you when you're in hotspots like Rochester and Buffalo? Who needs to go down to Manhattan where all stars are born?

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Do you live here now?

Yes, sir. Five years. It's almost six years.

Wow. Been here a while. What made you move to Austin six years ago before everyone else? COVID. OK. Yeah. All right. That's slightly before COVID, but I mean, you got it. That makes sense.

All right.

It's literally two years before COVID.

Yeah, it's about a year before.

I'm doing the math now. I think you are. No, I guess five years, five years.

There you go. You're right, you're right.

All good.

That's right.

2020, that's COVID.

All right, Joe.

This many.

Do you always do the Gilbert Gottfried impression or did you just do that for tonight?

That's the one I'm best at. But I'm saying do you do it in your regular stand-up? Oh yeah yeah I weave all the impressions into the into the jokes. How many do you do a lot of impressions? What other impressions do you do? Like Scoob we gotta get out of here man. Alright what other what other impression do you do? Yeah do you do any

impressions from this century? Yeah. What else you got? Well you guys we got any immigrants here tonight? Yeah, yeah, I know there's some of you out there. Where are you from, sir?

Is this Mark Norman?

It is?

That joke was over the line, but so were you!

Well, yep, alright. What else do you got?

He guessed it, he knew it.

Yeah, I can't believe I was right I was like trying to be like funny but

it's an odd choice to only have material that works if you're on the show with

the guy that you're doing the material about do you do a Joe DeRosa can you do it can you talk like a fucking frog with a cock stuck in his throat it's like What the fuck is that? The fuck is that? The look on your face.

You should see your face.

It matches the color of Red Band's hat right now. Oh. Would you say a frog? With a cock stuck in his throat.

Can you do that?

Can you do one?

Oh, well, I'm a bit of a frog myself.

There you go. Oh, I'm a bit of a frog.

I'm a bit of a frog with a cock stuck in his throat?

Can you do that can you do one? Oh, well, I'm a bit of a frog myself. There you go guys

You're not good at impressions You like that one no heard heard that heard that did you like to go bergad for though?

We it was pretty good. Yeah, it sounded good. But the thing is, doing impressions of other comedians can be really tricky. It's a treacherous territory. We would love to know more about Andrew. Can you do one joke that you're proud of as Andrew Hack all these years you've been doing it?

Yes.

OK, here we go.

One joke from Andrew Hack. I was on a run the other day, and I saw a person who I didn't know could exist in America. A black father. Yeah, he had his little white collar and his Bible. It was so cute.

Oh, he's a priest.

He's a priest.

Nailed it.

All right.

Can you do one less joke as a...

All right.

All right.

Well, Andrew. Tell us something crazy about your life, Andrew, before we get you out of here. Tell us some redeeming quality about you.

I'm a bartender for F1. I don't really care about the cars. They just kind of send me around, and I make drinks for them.

Do you do reports on YouTube about the new amusement park

that's about to open over there?

Oh, oh, down at COTA, yeah. I saw it happening, being built.

So you work there literally at COTA full time?

Well, the other races, Vegas, Miami, Abu Dhabi, so they fly me.

Oh, interesting. So you literally are a bartender for F1? Yes, sir. Amazing. That's actually interesting that they don't get local talent.

Sometimes, but then they save the good ones, you know? They take us along.

Alright, Andrew. He looks like that Tri guy that got canceled cancelled Ned Fulmer or whatever. I look like him. What guy? Ned Fulmer or the guy that cheated on his wife that had a whole cookbook and thing with his wife. Never mind. Is this like someone you knew personally or something? You look like Ned Fulmer. Thank you. Good night everybody. You look like Ned Fulmar. Thank you. Good night, everybody. You look like my old neighbor, Travis Edelman. You son of a bitch.

I almost, I don't know what it's, I feel like you're much funnier than this is coming off.

I agree. I agree.

I feel bad for him.

I agree. And just to let you know, you know, we had a monster coming out of nowhere earlier. The first ever appearance of a guy named Dedrick Flynn. So maybe we're kind of numb to it. Maybe it's not you. But keep signing up and come back and next time fucking do you and come out fresh. Because I think Gilbert doing Tony Hinchcliffe jokes

is kind of polarizing perhaps.

Heard. Will do.

Sign up again. There he goes. Andrew Hack, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. Indeed. Like I just mentioned, won an episode. It's been a lot to it, a lot going on. And, yeah.

So, we did it. really bad news for you guys William Montgomery is sick And unfortunately re Maddy couldn't make it here tonight Cam Patterson is on SNL Unfortunately, Ari Maddy couldn't make it here tonight. Cam Patterson is on SNL. Which leaves you with just one option.

Ladies and gentlemen, this man was made a regular in the year 2020. Let me remind you how big of a deal what happened with Dedrick is. Many golden tickets lately, zero regulars. The last regular was Ari Maddy two or three years ago.

Four years ago was Cam Patterson. Five years ago was this man in May of 2021. And sing it if you know the words. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hardscam.

♪♪♪

Hey.

Good to be here.

I am also a stunt driver. There was a stunt over there. You might have seen my work on I-35. Trying to make a U-turn. Something I've noticed about comedy audiences is that a lot of people are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes. I think that's because you don't get to cum after a mass shooting.

Unless you do it right. Yeah, I'm a pretty good guy. I don't have any problems with the Jews, okay? I think they're human beings equal to Mexicans and gays.

My girlfriend is Jewish.

I love having a Jewish girlfriend. I can just give her money for her birthday. They love old paper, these Jews, like the Torah or a lease agreement. One last joke. I think it's fucked up that somebody shot Charlie Kirk. Why can't he just shoot up a bunch of kids like a normal person?

All right. Thank you. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Hey.

Hans Kim.

The power of Hans Kim. The power of Hans Kim. I mean, 30 seconds of straight laughter just off of acknowledging the stunt driving of another person. I mean, incredible. That's what a true comedy veteran does.

They listen to what's going on before them and the tone of the room and they acknowledge it and utilize it like a real pro that you just did.

A woman driving?

Yeah.

You better notice that. It's like imperatives for your safety.

You notice women drivers.

This is what I love about you, Hans, is you think out loud. How's life been going, buddy? One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show, Hans Kim, cannot tell a lie. Very honest. Famously an over-sharer in the interview portion of the show.

So this is exciting, because it's been a while since we've had you. Very exciting.

I've been doing great.

I've been on the road with the Killers that Killed Tony Tour with Ari Maddy. Yes. And, you know, someone's ex, Kim Congdon.

She's a great gal, but, yeah. That's right, Luis J. Gomez's ex, Kim Congdon, is on some of those dates. It's been years. An awkward thing to bring up, but you just did it. It's been many years.

I still have a restraining order against him. I guess, I mean, that's a Puerto Rican relationship, right?

That's actually...

Yeah, of all the times a Puerto Rican woman

should have stabbed somebody. Where do you like to go? What's been happening? I was in Elkhart, Indiana, named after Joe Rogan's favorite food,

so that was cool.

All right. That was your opening joke there, I'm guessing.

Yep.

All right.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

I love it. You know, just a great time.

You know, found out that, you know, Ari's a great guy.

He really is. He's a lot of fun. Tell us more. What do you mean?

I mean, I found out he's half Ukrainian, which is kind of a loser gene.

Wow. I didn't know that about him. That's an interesting reveal.

Yeah. He's an interesting, uh, interesting reveal. Yeah, he's, uh, vulnerable from the...

Ukrainian assassin doesn't have the same ring to it at all. Seems like a guy that got killed by a Russian drone 30 minutes earlier. He was a Ukrainian assassin. We're gonna stick with Estonian assassin. Stop ruining Ari's brand up here.

It does explain why he's always asking for help, though.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh.

Wow.

There's an illegal polka room right next to my apartment.

Ooh! And you love it, don't you?

Yeah, it's kind of loud, and we were talking shit, and we realised that if we can hear them they can hear us And so they just heard us being like we should just have sex really loud one day next to them. Yeah, you and Ari

You make a lot of noises in bed, yeah, can you give us an exact can I get the spotlight here key now? Can you just do an impression of the noises that you make while having sex? But do it for real. Like, we want the actual noises.

Okay. Hadouken!

Yeah.

Get over here!

Oh, yeah, baby. Call me Daddy, please. Whenever I'm about to cum, I'm like,

uh, uh, uh, uh.

Whoa. That's what you do?

Like, is it okay if I cum inside you?

Whoa.

Wow, what does she say to that?

She says yes.

Wow. Is she on some kind of birth control?

Yeah, she's heavily medicated.

Oh, wow. Perfect. That is amazing. That's good to know.

Wow.

So you just always finish inside of your girlfriend?

Every time we do it.

When's the last time you think you pulled out?

Why would I do that?

Yeah, exactly.

I think that's bad for your little vein down there.

Really?

Yeah.

That's an interesting thing, but most of you people are doctors, so I trust you.

Does she keep it inside of her for a few days?

Like, what happens?

Yeah, she, when I, yeah, I don't know.

Red band.

Usually after we have sex, she's like, eww, come. And then we have sex towels by the bed, little.

Sex towels.

Yeah.

What's the difference between the sex towel and a rag? Oh, a little washcloth.

They're crunchy.

Perfect.

Oh, red band.

Red band.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, yeah, there's some love-making saxophone over there. All right, tell us more about your personal, personal, personal life, Hans.

She caught me watching TV while we were having sex.

Oh, my God. What was on the television? The show Sense8. Great show. Is that anime?

No.

What is that? What's that show?

It's real Americans running around. They're connected. They're like sensory connected. It's a great show. It's underrated and only one season. Check it out, Netflix.

Wow.

Look at that. But yeah, I was watching Sense8.

You know, it's like, hey, if you want to have sex, like watching TV, I might watch TV.

So let me ask you this. Is she on top of you and the TV is straight, like, over her shoulder? Or are you in missionary position? She was pegging him so he could see the television. Right. Yeah, that's what happens with the same girl for years. Yeah, it's the old. Let's just do this without looking at each other, putting in any real physical effort, because I can't make an Asian joke

because I can't see.

No, we only have sex sideways.

I want fuck you sideways. Let me come inside you. All right, well, Hans, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything?

We have the regular show at the Vulcan every Tuesday with Ari Maddy.

Yes. Hans, by the way, every time you're on this show, you constantly kill it, man.

Like, you are really one of the best regulars we've ever had.

It really is true. There's just a difference between the regulars and other people, and tonight another one was born. Did you get to see the debut set of Dedrick Flynn?

Dedrick. Yeah. New cam.

Yeah. You guys are family now.

Yeah.

You loved him long time, okay?

Okay, yes sir.

There he goes, the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, and we did it again. Indeed, this episode brought to you by PrizePix, Quo, and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is incredible. Jotarosa and Luis J. Gomez, everybody.

Jotarosa.com for tickets to his tour, his special, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden is on YouTube at Jotarosa Comedy on YouTube at Luis J. Gomez Comedy on YouTube. You can find his new special, You're Making This Worse. Also the founder of the Legion of Skanks, Legion

of Skanks podcast, and the founder of Gas Digital, an entire podcast enterprise, Luis J Gomez, ladies and gentlemen, and Joe DeRosa. What an episode it was. Brian J Ebelts drawing is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, a little Martin Phillips. All right. Fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, carrying us through a very fun episode.

Everyone kind of got a laugh tonight. We had fun with everybody tonight. Red band? I just want to thank you two for many, many years. You have made so many careers and helped so many people out. That is true.

And you guys are the fucking shit.

We do love YouTube. Thank you, YouTube, for being here for the first time ever. And we love you all. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you. good night everybody! The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Thank you. good night everybody! The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. You're welcome.