KT #755 - DR PHIL (ADAM RAY) + SAL VULCANO, + GREG FITZSIMMONS

Thanks for watching. You're welcome. ♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

Hey, this is Fred McComany live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode

of Kill Tony! Get up for Tony Hitchcliff!

♪♪

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

♪♪ Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Redby right now! Oh

My goodness gracious, how exciting is this you guys happy to be here or what?

Shit sounds amazing. We are brought to you by Shopify This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Before we get to all the chaos, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen,

and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th,

one in Grand Prairie, March 28th. TonyHinchcliffe.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fuckin' episode or what? Okay, every single week I book this is just so amazing. Two of our favorite guests in the history of the show, make some fucking noise for the great Sal Vulcano and Greg Fitzsimmons.

Oh my God.

Yeah, baby.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Sal Vulcano.

Oh my God. Very exciting stuff. Sal Vulcano! Oh my God. Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Sal Vulcano is on tour at salvulcanocomedy.com. He's doing the Ryman Theater in Nashville. He's got a brand new season of The Impractical Jokers coming out on TBS Thursdays on TBS

and his podcast, Manouche, is available everywhere. Greg Fitzsimmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's history, is touring, Fitzdog.com. He's in Philly, Lexington, and Houston. Coming up very soon. How you guys feeling?

You excited to be here?

So excited. Hell yeah, I'm fucking excited. Are you guys excited? Hell? Yeah

These thick Latinas love the impractical jokers ladies screaming Sal's name over and over again a

little fucking the tortoas love you, Sal. You guys know how the show works. 300 plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar right next door. And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes, grabs them. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted on stage. You know, their time is up

and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about their real life or their careers or anything really that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this Sal and Greg. I mean we have you guys it literally just does not get any better than this. Oh my God! There he is!

The 2024 Guest of the Year! Oh my God. Whoa!

Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2024 Guest of the Year. Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh! Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, oh!

I'm out of breath. I'm out of breath, but I brought some treats.

We don't need any more red bands out there.

Wow! Dr. Phil is throwing out Magnum condoms.

That one might be open.

I got bored in the Delta Lounge.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

We'll hold on to these two for later.

Dr. Phil, live in the flesh. Literally recognized as one of the greatest guests in the show. What was that?

Monkey Pugs.

Oh my goodness gracious. We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those?

Wow.

Sad to be back, Tone.

It's been way too long, Dr. Phil. You've been out selling out all around the fucking world. We did it. We did it.

We're going to Australia and Canada next year. That's right.

Sorry, this year. The Who Is Me Tour. Wow. That's a wild thing that's happened. I'm excited. I'm excited.

Well, I guess you don't even want to know.

Wow. It's wild how you do that we're gonna keep it right

here. Okay. All right. This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with Greg Fitzsimmons and Sal Volcano. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. My goodness. I mean what a start to this show. I mean that's absolutely crazy. You got a fucking joke water. Yeah we do. We absolutely do. We shake them up for the show to add vibes and energy to the show. It's working. It's working and it's

squirting. That's what we call that. So what's amazing is that while this is an incredible perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all time appearances, normally the closer of the show. One of the few living members

of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Titan of Tacoma, the Weirdo of Washington. This is the Big Red Machine,

William Montgomery!

My mother was watching the news the other night and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, honey, what is doxing? I said, oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks. The waiter walks out and goes, who ordered the amberjack? I raise my hand and he sets it down in front of me. I look and I say, wait, this has whiskers. Have I literally been catfished? Can you imagine if you were a flat earther,

like a depressed flat earther, and one day you tell your flat earther friends, I really can't take it anymore. I'm just going to walk this way and I'm never gonna stop. And they're all like, no, don't do it, no. And then around 80 days later,

you show up from the opposite direction and you're in a hot air balloon and you're like, guys, y'all are never gonna believe this. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Yeah! Because the Earth is round, Tony. That's why you would show up from the other end.

Right.

But that would mean that it's not flat.

Right, it would mean it's round. It's proving, it's saying to his friends, it's ultimately teaching his friends that the Earth is round. Right. It's kind of his friends, it's ultimately teaching his friends that the earth is round. Right. It's kind of like a passion play.

Oh my gosh, Tony, I'm so nervous. Seriously, going up first, I love it. It's literally my favorite thing, but I'm so nervous right now because normally I have time up there to hang out and whatever. And oh my gosh, here we are.

So I love it.

I love it.

I love it. Out of your comfort zone. Proof that you can do it all. You got the show started with a bang.

And Tony, I do have to say, I finally, I've been in a horrible funk. I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain, but I've started rowing again and I've done 65. 65 fucking miles to pass, six days, Tony! Very good, William.

That's 10 miles and some change per day.

Yeah, listening to fucking Melancholia

and the infinite sadness by smashing pumpkins all the time.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well, but it's good to see that you're rowing. Ha ha ha.

We'll be right back.

Ha ha ha.

I'll take it from here, Greg.

William, how is the, uh, how's the AIDS going?

It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk. I messed up. I messed up. When I was in Vancouver last year, I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass. Literally with my ass. Seriously.

Well, it's good to mix things up. I know. It was fun. I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad funks, and I've... The puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps. But when I was having sex with that guy, it was crazy. Oh, that was fun, Red Band. What was that noise? Yeah. That's the noise he would have been making in the corner, Red Band.

When you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo. That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner, wearing your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo.

Ooh.

Your little blue tank top. Yeah, have you ever seen it, Tony? He wears his little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks. And he acts like a little bad boy and he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet. Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room

before we even start tonight. That's part of why I'm nervous, Tony.

Seriously. I did walk by and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot. Was that your girlfriend's foot?

Yeah.

Oh.

It's tradition anytime Greg's around Janice shows her foot to him

because he likes that and wow this is not a great start for Greg. You know

there's certain things that stay in the grain room. Yeah whatever happened to

taking it to the grave Redman? Yeah Jesus Christ now I have to cut them off.

Oh my goodness. I love it. William, so you've been rowing again?

Yeah, doing the rowing, trying to hopefully, please come see. I promise if I've been to a city before, I have a whole different set. It's mainly new jokes. I've been, I've got to get my tickets out.

I got to get better at marketing. Tony has turned, I got to figure it out.

Yeah, well, this, this.

What'd you just call me a nacho vest or what did you say?

You should say everything. You should encourage your woman to say everything that comes to the front of her brain, sir. You're doing a really good job. The Lakers had always a dead giveaway for not having your woman under control. Shut up, bitch!

Yeah.

Seriously!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Seriously!

Whoa, whoa.

I'm trying to have fun, fucking Red Bands throwing crack under the bus? That's my spirit of you, dude. Seriously. It's really weird.

Why'd you?

William, I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up, you're getting angry, you're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible.

I'm on a splash point.

Yeah. Everyone out.

You're on right now, and where can we get some of it?

That is, uh...

But look, it looks like little nachos.

I know. I see it.

So maybe you're right. I see it. I know, you are right. All right, Sal, that's not how this works.

You guys all see those little nachos?

Okay, we all see the nachos.

It is an incredible vest, William. What are you wearing? Or it is award season and the world wants to know, where do you get a vest like that?

So I literally clicked into eBay.com, my account, I click in vintage 90s Columbia vest large.

Nailed it.

And then I get a bunch and then yes, this happens. Nachos was not in the keyword search?

No.

Wow.

Cause the red little zags there,

they look like little nachos.

They do.

They do.

It is absolutely incredible. William, always a master of style. It is a nice vest

You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids who are definitely gonna get molested Which isn't it which is a tough gig to get so I want to compliment you on the thank you

Thank you so much. It's true. You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island. There it is The guy that walks you off the dock when you pull up on the boat.

That's his show. We'll keep it in.

Okay, everybody come in here. And it's just Redman jacking off with all the fucking... You weirdo.

Wow.

Well, William, you got the show... So nice to meet you. You got the show started with a fucking bang, my friend. Unbelievable. Lights out the great and powerful William Montgomery, showing us how it's done. Now we go to the bucket, everybody.

Oh my goodness.

Whoa!

Dr. Phil getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do, you are a marketing genius. Philip C. McGraw, PhD, you and me. It's as easy as one, two, three.

I talk about that in my book.

That's right, page 73.

Page 73, if you can't rhyme, get the fuck out of my garage.

That's it.

That's it.

All right, to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night is Sancho Pancho Villa with an uninterrupted minute.

♪♪

Whoo!

What is going on? Hell yeah. So even though I'm 5'1", I am into taller women. And so that can be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5'3". Don't believe me, we'll call this mic stand 5'3". And now we're at 5'1".

But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hitting on this one super tall girl, she was like 5'5". And she looks down at me and she's like, five-five. And she looks down at me, and she's like, boy, you're so short,

you would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask if I keep a step ladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for? Like, I'm trying to eat my way to your heart, you know what I'm saying?

But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because like now I'm over here having a tippy toe, fucking putting my chimichanga on the foot over the rim. Like how am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom?

It doesn't work like that.

Hey, I'm Sancho Pancho Villa. Thank you.

That's my time.

Wow. Adorable.

Absolutely adorable. One of the largest full-grown babies to ever do stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Giant when it comes to the weight class of babies. Sancho Pancho Villa.

What's up?

You're standing at 5'1", is that what you said?

Yeah, 5'3", with the shoes on.

5'3", with the shoes on. Incredible. When's the last time you measured yourself?

Like, height-wise?

Yeah.

Yeah. Funny. Funny? Yeah.

When I went to get my driver's license.

Okay. You got one of those? Your people normally don't have one of those. Do you have car insurance, Sancho Pancho Villa?

Yep, through USA, let's go.

Shut up.

Yeah, right.

Hopefully they lower my rate, I don't know.

Okay, USAID?

USAA.

USAID-AID?

A, AA, like the military.

Oh, got it, you were in the military.

Yes sir, I'm a Marine.

Okay, absolutely incredible.

What the hell were you doing in the Marines exactly?

What what was your specialty? Man, I was an engineer company. So like we work with generators. We build stuff. We blew it up. Like I have more certifications than my cousin with three fake IDs. Like I could do any Texas job.

Wow. Yeah. Amazing, Sancho Pancho. You've been on the show a few times before. Yes, sir. You get very lucky.

I'm hoping to tonight.

God.

Now, why the fuck did you do that?

Yeah.

Because we're pretty much rocking the same haircut, Dr. Phil. Like, come on.

Like, shit. When did you go bald, do you mind me asking?

Oh, probably when I was like 19.

God damn.

Yeah, man.

Wow.

And how'd it work out for you? How did you adjust, you know?

With comedy.

Oh, well, there you go. What do you think you did in this life or a past life for God to treat you like this?

Question, Tony.

And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women. You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight. When's the last time you got laid, Sancho Pancho?

A week ago.

Wow, a week ago. Wow, a week ago. Who was this? What was this innocent person? Where'd you meet this person at?

Just at my hometown, you know.

Was she married?

This one wasn't. This one was not married. That is true. We found out about you

that you're into married women. You like wrecking other people's lives.

Listen, like, the door's already cracked open. I just walked through it, you know what I'm saying?

Even if it's the dog door, like I'm, you know.

The dog door's open, you walk right... Put it on the cutting room floor. What were you guys going to say at the same time? I was going to say, he walked under the crack.

He didn't have to go...

I was going to say he walks right through the doggy door.

Right, he doesn't have to duck down or anything like that. We all have different doggy door jokes for you, Sancho. That's a good sign. That's how you know you're a hot dude when you bring up a dog house and we're all like, When like do you let it out? Is there a moment ever? You work out Sancho Pancho I do I'm down 10 pounds What have you been doing exactly explain to some of these people out here how they can lose weight. I

Quit alcohol. So that was a big one for now Yeah, but on st. Patrick's day, I dress up like a leprechaun. So like, I'm one month away and I can drink again. So. Oh yeah.

That's perfect.

And then yeah, quitting alcohol and then just working out every day. So yeah.

Amazing.

Back to benching 245. That's cool.

You benched 245?

Yeah.

Wow. Enough about your date from last week.

If she's not 180, she ain't a lady, you know what I'm saying? Let's go. I talk about that in my book, chapter 25.

Chapter 25, fat bitches are people too.

You got the copy at your local Barnes and Noble.

What's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with before I let you go, Sancho Pancho?

I don't know, probably Red Band. No, probably, she's like 233, probably.

Yeah.

Okay, that's an interesting guess.

Wait, wait, sorry.

Not to be specific.

That was such a specific weight.

Yeah.

Like you, that's something you knew. That 233 is a very specific answer. And that's how much I weigh. Is it really?

That's my real weight.

You really think so?

Let's get the fucking scale out, everybody. No doubt about it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Ah!

Come on. There it is.

Red band.

Oh, it's too good.

Oh, it's too good.

Come on, red band. All right. Oh, it's too good. Oh, it's too good. Come on, Red Band!

All right.

Hold on. Hold on.

What?

So, so, I will say I'm fully clothed,

and that was naked. He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is.

My real guess, though...

Oh, my God. My real guess is, uh, He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. Here he is.

My real guess, though.

Oh, my God. My real guess is, uh, uh, I weighed myself like six months ago.

By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses before getting on this scale...

No, no, I'm gonna do it.

I'm just gonna say I bet I weigh about 239.

Okay, all right. Don't do it, Redman. You're wearing your heavy hat. No, no. 2.33, everybody. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, he's been here for every episode of the show. Sal, read it off for me when it comes up.

It just says, ouch. It says, ouch.

Okay, we're...

Uh...

Do you want me to report that?

Yeah, report it. Uh... Do you want me to report that? Report it.

Uh... 250...

1.4.

That's right, folks.

He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. It's getting cold outside. What do you mean?

Sancho Pancho, get on that thing.

Let's see what it says.

All right.

I'm gonna take my shoes off, though, I'm gonna take my shoes off though. I'm gonna take my shoes off.

193.

193.

Thank you.

Now, what do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy. Yeah, okay. I'm 165, 164.6, everybody.

Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff, everybody, let's go!

What is this, Kill Sancho Poncho? Give it up for me.

Yeah, that's about 10 pounds.

You're right, I'll give you 10 pounds. Maybe, maybe.

Take yourself a joke book, Tony.

Thank you, thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody, and Sancho Poncho.

Woo!

Sancho Poncho. What size joke book did you get last time? I think you said like a small joke book is the same size as a big joke book. That's right So you got a small one? Yes, sir. Well today you're getting a medium one. Let's go Sancho Pancho Villa everybody. There he goes And the show is off and running You wait in at 233 today no 239 239 today. 239. Were you naked?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. Lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys having fun out there?

Yeah!

We got Dr. Phil Greig Fitzsimmons and Sal Vulcano, everybody, and a shit ton of water, an absolutely shocking amount of water on the table. Can't have enough beverages. Oppity oppity oppity oppity oppity oppity. Hey, this podcast is sponsored by blue shoe guys. Let's be real for a second.

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kill Tony. Absolutely. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mario Zapata, everyone. Mario Zapata.

How we doing mother Mothership? Hell yeah! A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis. Why's everybody mad at all these Somalias?

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-♪♪

Kind of why they whine a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show you, when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. I don't know what he did, but whatever. Ah, all right, buckle in, guys.

What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop. You may never know you were talking to a cop. Thank you. All right, guys, I think the reason the word retarded is such a defensive word is because so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school that said, get your MS in business.

And I'm like, who wants to run a board meeting with multiple sclerosis? -$1. Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going, this company is built on a solid foundation?

-$1.

-$1. -$1.

All right, Mario Zapata. Is this your first time on the show? It is not. Oh, you've been on before?

It is not.

Do you look different or something?

Yes, I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll.

Okay. Dr. Phil, you see, that's possible. You could do that at any point, Dr. Phil.

Yeah, well, if I looked like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store. I'd also shave my head. Now, what I mean by that is, you came in hot. For a minute there, I thought you were running for office, because you just kept being like, there's too many Jews, you know? And then you said, what was the last thing you said?

I think the reason the word retarded is so offensive is because so many people are.

Right. Okay, and how do you feel about that joke? Like, when you say it out loud to the silence, does it feel like you're in the middle of it?

I'm behind it, dude.

I know a lot of retarded people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Sal, what do you think about this guy?

Well, I like that you had topical stuff, so you're writing new stuff, and I like that you told I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes And then you really I mean it really didn't deliver

You know

so I would say just be mindful of that and you're gonna tell everyone to buckle up like Because the the inference was that you were gonna blow their fucking balls off with this next joke And then it was really just a just a you really just a real par type of joke. It's funny. I never saw anyone tell anyone, buckle up for this next one.

And then basically, it was a very mellow, mellow joke after that.

That was more for me.

It was more for you.

Did you buckle up your catchphrase

or did you just feel like coming out saying something sassy?

It does feel sassy. I don't know, maybe I could use it as a catchphrase. Yeah, buckle up, guy. Hey, buckle up.

Yeah, let me just say something real quick. You said that he said to buckle up and that it felt... I'll agree to disagree, Sal, because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent. And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of... No, no, buckle up, folks. Yeah, hell yeah. But you do have confidence, and that's important.

I appreciate that.

It was essentially, buckle up, everybody.

Jewish people will let you know they're Jewish.

Yeah, that's another... That's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews? Is that what they... No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation. you they're Jewish? Oh yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews at exactly? Wherever I go. Wherever you go. They're everywhere right? I mean like... Oh that sounds bad. Okay. Starting to see why this guy shaved his head all the way.

Good lord. This fucking guy. Yeah keep talking guys.

Alright. This is what I signed up for. Let's do it, okay. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run into different people everywhere.

Wow, it doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody. But these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without seeing these fucking people.

Yes, okay.

Mike, who's your favorite type of person?

Okay, that's a total nice people direction changing question. You just have a doctor Phil. Let's stick with the Jews here for a second Okay, let's not shift at all doctor Let me ask you this you you're seeing them everywhere This and that is there anything is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they tell you that they're Jewish? No How long you've been doing stand-up comedy?

I've been doing stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do musical comedy.

Okay. Well, you would sing? Yeah. You would write your own songs?

And play guitar and stuff like that, yeah.

You have any original songs?

I do.

Okay. What notes are they in? What chord is it? Most of them are in G, because it's an open... Okay, you guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something, Mario?

Okay, they'll follow you. Here we are, me and my best friend Out at the bar and we're hammered again And we're talking about all the girls we bang. We both drink until we can't see. Then my friend leans over and he says to me,

Hey, I love you, man. You're my bro. And I'm like, yeah, bro. I love you too. The part that's weird for me ♪ Is he's telling me this

♪ While he's rubbing on my knee

♪♪♪ -♪ My name is Mario ♪ And if you're having a bad time in the show so far ♪ Well, buckle up in the show so far Well... buckle up. Buckle up!

I'm dressed like I'm ready to go Work the late shift at Home Depot Buckle up. Buckle up. Buckle up! Buckle up. Buckle up.

And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell, make sure to call your dad who's in hell and say, Dad, I'm going to get that same order you used to get. Wow. Well, Dr. Phil, making Mario Zapata hilarious. You did on Pandora. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. Mario Zapata.

So you did musical comedy.

Now you just do stand up, pure stand up. What do you do for work?

I edit wedding videos.

I edit wedding videos.

I edit wedding videos. I edit wedding videos. Mario Zapata. So you did musical comedy, now you just do stand-up.

I do.

Pure stand-up. What do you do for work?

I edit wedding videos, I make porn, and I write comedy.

Wait, let's stop right there. When you say you make porn, what exactly do you- Buckle up!

Pffft!

Pffft!

Where was that personal stat before I fucking improvised a shitty song?

Just trying to be discreet. Uh, yes. We talked about it last time. I make giantess porn with my wife.

Oh, that's right. You have a big wife. A tall wife. Yes, a tall wife. Okay.

Big difference. Big difference.

You're not pulling a Sancho Pancho Villa out here. You're going for the tall girls.

I like to set the bar high.

Very interesting. And that's been good for you.

Fantastic.

You guys are making good money.

Good money, yeah.

Have you ever thought about, because those guys probably like the difference in height, right, between the two people. Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Pancho Villa join in?

Because...

I would charge him to be in the movie. That makes sense. Probably love it, hell yeah.

Alright.

Somebody's gonna jerk off to it.

Dr. Phil?

Yeah, where do we, is it all available online or is there a specific...

We're looking up films dot something. It's on it's on fucking what is that a dot org or something like no Okay, it's on a sure son to be selling through square. We sell this square Yeah, you don't know the website of you and your wife's port. I copy and paste everything dude. It's like Wow, yeah, yeah looking up films dot Gobs yeah, look that up

Great things Zapata... Gubs? Yeah, put that up. All right. You guys are doing great things.

All right, Mario Zapata, our second extremely confident Latino in a row. You as well.

Are you...

Um, yeah, it was good, Mario. You know what, I'll give you a big joke, but there you go.

I appreciate that.

Did you get one last time?

No.

Okay, there you go.

Boom.

Good catch.

It's a little off.

A little sticky one.

There he goes. Mario Zapata, everybody. That's perfect, Mario. That's okie dokie. Well, all right, there he is. 12 years of comedy experience. There he goes, Mario Zapata, everyone. All right, our next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen,

goes by the name of Robert Carroll. Here we go. Robert Carroll. Okay, this looks like a new face. Make some noise for Robert Carroll, everybody.

Fucking A, kill Tony.

Wonderful.

So,

I'm on shrooms, I gotta lead with that, sorry. What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up. There's no way they're fucking picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard, so. Give me a little benefit, okay?

So I get stuck here for the ice. I'm staying at a goddamn hotel, very nice hotel. But you know, how many times can a 60 year old man jerk off in one afternoon? 38. The answer's 38. 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38.

So, the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin? Goddamn it, Sprite. Oh, anybody shrooming tonight?

Whoop, whoop.

Well, I am. Well, that was a bad idea. It's gonna turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talked to all these young people, and I'm like, psilocybin's legal now. And they're like, oh, that's so cute.

Are you microdosing? And I'm like, no, I don't know, what the fuck is a microdose? Is seven grams a microdose? Yes. I guess I'm microdosing.

Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll, thank y'all. You gotta love a guy who 50 seconds in says it's gonna turn out just fine. Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms. This all checks out.

Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for?

I lied.

This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd and a microphone.

There you go.

Fucking A. Okay, perfect.

I'm here, man. We got it. All right, great. And you're 60 years old. I'm 60 years old. What made you want to start comedy now?

I went broke. What? I went broke.

Okay, ladies, stop. Okay, relax. Did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all, shut the fuck up. What is going on with the women in this room tonight? It is unbelievable.

Midlife.

Some weird improv troop. Kamala lost, ladies, shut the fuck up. God, what the fuck is going on? This fucking one's back now. Okay, Red Band, very good. Wow, can the ladies start heckling if Red Band's gonna jump in with his fucking comedy?

I understood that.

My God, okay.

Robert, what made you wanna start here today?

It's a long story, but going broke in short,

and just- How did you go broke? Let's talk about it. It's okay, you, but going broke in short, and just...

How did you go broke? Let's talk about it. It's okay, you're on the show.

Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry.

Bill, you got a little quiet there, Robert. You've really fizzled out. Years of working.

That's why my short version is, I just suddenly realized, fuck it, I'm gonna be 60. And if I keep scraping, things will be eh, so fuck them. I just literally went nuts. My whole family, they've decided to keep me me, maybe. But like I said, I think it's gonna work out.

I think he thinks he's in a Bed, Bath & Beyond right now. Is your talk, you gotta talk, I couldn't understand, I wanted to follow that story.

Well it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with him on mushrooms. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good, but

I do function at a reasonably good level.

What mathematically your odds are the same whether you're on or not on mushrooms? If you take an overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up.

I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man. I had my second try and here I am.

You got it. And you signed up last week as well.

I did.

I was here for the ice storm.

What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms, I hope this goes okay.

It has been working so far.

Where? Where has it been working? Have you been doing other open mics?

I mean, my bank accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet.

Well, how'd you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? Did you make that out of pubes and queefs?

Oh, everything's negotiable.

What the fuck did that mean?

I ain't trying to fucking haggle that from you.

This is an impossible interview.

That's a you purchase.

Tell us a fun fact about your life, man. You're 60 years old and all you've said so far is I'm on mushrooms.

Okay, I'm 60 years old. I'm a commercial builder, I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids who I, we had play day Saturday, I was not on mushrooms for that.

Okay.

I behave when the kids are around.

How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays?

Often as I can, like.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I have found that.

Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that? Aren't we all? Yes, yeah. Like what? Can you give us some, something compelling about your life? You have 60 years to reference here.

Well, I lost 80 pounds last year.

Oh, well that's-

So February the 10th, thank you, thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny and you're kind of, so I've been, I was here because I was working on the show Meemaw with Roseanne Barr. I don't know if I'm supposed to, anyway, I was here as a background actor. Okay. I got stuck.

Joe Ellis is someone you know. Joe said, hey, you should do Kill Tony. Okay.

I came with her.

You didn't know if you were supposed to mention that you did background work on the show Meemaw? Who would want you to keep that to yourself. Excellent point. I'm trying to follow. I know. I have one other question.

Do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms? I actually, I was wearing these things before I was doing the mushrooms, but I do wear this pretty well all the time. I mean, I do not sleep in all of them.

Is that strictly aesthetic, or do any of those things have a certain special meaning?

It's probably OCD. Once you start wearing them, then you're like, oh, fuck, I don't have that on.

I'm sure my left arm's gonna fall off.

When about in your life did you start doing a lot of mushrooms?

Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college, back in the 80s. I'm talking about this new one. Recently, my son just graduated from college, Give me a ballpark here. Oh, a year ago. A year ago, perfect. Let me ask you this. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry exactly?

What's around your neck, that type?

Probably two years ago.

Two years ago.

It was a fade.

When did you become turquoise, Mr. T?

Cool.

Yeah, you've definitely got a Jeff Bridges, Jim Henson, about to get me to to the wetsels pretzels type of vibe Jeff bridges and Jeff

Bridges the other guy yeah

All right, Robert. I've kept you up here way too long

Well, thank you for putting up with me goddamn it snuck in and and you didn't torture me the crowd was great

I am gonna do wait. Thank you

Right right a set right right right right joke sometime And then and then you'll be back on, and then we'll know something about you.

I love that you're on mushrooms, and now we all feel like we're on mushrooms.

Yeah, it's contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a Magnum condom. There you go.

He probably thinks it's a gummy worm.

There he goes.

There he goes. Robert Carroll, everybody. Wow. Amazing. There he goes. Hell yeah. There he goes. Yeah, show Joe Biden how to get out of here.

He's stripping so hard. These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms out of nowhere. It's just insane. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy

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All right. All right. All right.

Hell yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word. Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla Model 3rd Reich.

That's where I drive now.

See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember

that the N-word means Nazi, right?

So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out, N-word lives don't matter. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out,

N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people. But not as much as I hate those blonde haired, blue eyed N-words. Thank you.

Okay, 50 seconds from Tariq Morales. Good job. Anything after Robert Carroll is amazing. Anything after an old man going, I'm on mushrooms. That's just incredible.

At least you tried, Tariq. Amazing. First time?

Second time.

Second time ever doing standup. What made you want to sign up?

No, no, no, no. Second time on the show. Oh, it is.

All right.

How did it go your first time?

It went well.

Yes.

I had a full 60 seconds. It was great.

All right.

Okay. And how long ago was that?

Maybe November.

What did we find out about you then? What was the interview based around? not that black. You had a gong? I had a gong, yeah.

I didn't get to pull it out. Oh. I had it in my passenger seat. Oh. The car the whole time, and I just had to drive home with it in there.

Okay, yeah, that wasn't anything we covered in the interview last time. No. That was in your car.

It was. Give us, what do you do for work, Tariq? I work from home, so I'm just, like, getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's like, the documents, they come in,

I hit, like, green or red. Child care.

And then...

Yes, he's a Somali daycare worker, everybody. Good job, red band. Yeah. Mr. 233 over here. Okay, so you don't know what you do. You're getting paid?

I'm getting paid.

How much do you get paid?

It's $20 an hour.

How many hours a day are you working?

Eight hours a day.

Eight hours a day. And the check's clear?

The check's clear, yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun?

I like to play the piano. I'm a piano player. You're a piano player? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bit of a beige Beethoven, a little bit.

Okay.

Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

That's me. Yeah, there you go. Absolutely.

Are you from Austin, Texas?

No, I just moved here in July.

Okay, where were you at before that? Boise. Yeah, I was the blackest person there, which is super embarrassing. Are you are you black? Half. Yeah. Half black, half Mexican.

Puerto Rican. Oh, Puerto Rican. OK.

All right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I've been long enough.

It's out here.

I just want to double back on the job you do because you said that I don't know the documents come in. You said, and I hit red or green.

Yeah, there's like a, literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just, I check for numbers.

You literally do not know what you do?

Literally, yeah. It's like something with finance. I don't know. But what do you do? The fucking, the document comes in. I hit, I check these numbers to see if they match up with like client information.

Are you on the cast of Severance?

Yeah.

The work is mysterious and important.

Definitely, the work is mysterious and important.

Wow, how long have you worked for this company?

Like three months.

Yeah, not long.

Why would you hit it green?

Because the numbers match up with the client information.

It's fucking lumen.

That's it. That's it.

That's it.

Yeah.

And you would hit red when the numbers don't match. When they don't match.

And you do this for eight hours a day. Eight fucking hours a day.

I'm watching movies. I'm on the phone, I'm hanging out with my comic friends. That's it. Was there training for this? Not really, no. Yeah, it's like day one. They're like, all right, here's what you're going to be doing. And then they...

And the name of the company?

Oh, what the...

Well, I don't think he's going to lose this nothing burger job if he says that.

Yeah. I just... -"Surprised." Yeah. Yeah, single right now. I haven't been on a... How long have you been in Austin?

Since July. And so you've been on no dates. You've met no women. Uh, I went on one date.

I met her, like, at a show at Narbar, and, uh, it didn't go well.

What happened? This is perfect. Take us through the night, Tariq.

Yeah, she was just like, she was like a bodybuilder and I didn't, I couldn't see it. She was wearing a hoodie and we went on the date. She was wearing like a tank top and she had like some fucking biceps. I wasn't ready for that.

I think I was a little, she was, you know, thick neck. Thick neck, biceps? Did you...

Is there any chance she had a dick?

I didn't make it that far.

I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan.

Ha ha ha ha! Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! Okay.

Is there milk meat involved in the foreplay?

Yeah, a lot of venison.

Ah, fuck!

That's it, Joe Rogan.

So she was jacked. Now, and permission to speak freely, did, when she took her hoodie off and you saw just,

gagoom, gagoom, right?

And you saw, you were like, oh, there's a potential opportunity for me to peck fuck her, right? Did, did you, Stay with me. Wait, what was that, Dr. Phil?

Peck fucker.

What does that mean?

So, you know, she's so muscular, her boobs have turned into pecks. So if you still want to achieve a titty foot, I'll send you a link. Yeah.

There's...

But...

When she derobed, or declothed, did you get excited, or did you take a step back and go,

this isn't what I ordered?

Yeah, I broke out in a small sweat. I said, it's not what I ordered.

Yeah.

How'd you get out of there?

I fucking, I paid and I was like, pleasure meeting you. She went in for the kiss and yeah.

You mean the headlock?

Yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened? She went in for the kiss and I had enough time to like kind of think about it. So I leaned back a little bit and then I just looked away, her eyes were closed. So I just looked and pretend I didn't see it.

And then I looked back and I was like, oh, hey, what, great meeting you.

Wow.

She was like a red document. Yeah, that was a thumbs down for me, Doug.

It was a thumbs down.

Wow. Tariq, absolutely incredible. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? You got a big one. All right, well, there you go then. Tariq Morales, everybody.

Bonesize making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large. Bonesize making all kinds of different joke books small medium large summer black summer brown like Tariq Okay, so things are moving along here, but I think we need to shift the momentum I mean wow this has been Sancho Pancho Mario Robert Carroll and Tariq I'm gonna I'm gonna say none of them really knocked knocked it out of the old fucking. Oh, I disagree. It's been my favorite so far. That was a banger. I'm gonna bring up one of our unbelievable regulars,

ladies and gentlemen, to sage the room. He is fucking fantastic. Make some noise for the great and powerful, the Dark Storm of Atlanta. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Everybody I hate way mo's And I think on the reason that we got these little self-driving ass cars in Austin is

Because there's not no black people to go. Oh Uh-uh. I hate these little self-driving ass cars because they don't leave the human factor in there. Because if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the way mo? When you get drunk and you get into a Uber, the Uber driver wake you up, and they so... Hey, sir. You're at your house.

You know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's where I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas weren't nice or kind at all. Take it from one example. One time, cause I'm a heavy sleeper,

that's why they was mad at me about waking me up in a Waymo. They said they couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady, one time tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She couldn't wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady, one time, tried to wake me up. She couldn't wake me up. She couldn't wake me up.

She took my phone, unlocked it with my face, and then called my mama. Nigga, I was up. Daddy Christian, I was playing. Nigga, I woke up immediately. And I was like, I'm so sorry.

I started cleaning, because and I was like, I'm so sorry, I started cleaning, because when I was a kid, when I was a kid, if your mama started whooping your siblings, if you cleaning, she not gonna whoop your ass too. And so I woke up, just started doing pushups,

cleaning, and then she was like,

how dare you let that lady get in my Bentley?

And the next day I had to go to that same Uber lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. Thank y'all so much. I'm Dennis Flick. Dennis Flick.

Two minutes of material, tons of punchlines throughout, cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls.

I'm so sorry. What are you apologizing for? throughout cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls. I'm so sorry.

What are you apologizing for?

The bucket pulls.

Oh, yeah, exactly. Great work, Dedrick. That really happened, didn't it?

Yes, it did.

It sounds real.

I texted Instagram the night after that. I apologized to the Tibet police. And I was so scared the whole time because it was like, when you're drunk and they wake you up, you're still lying when you wake up. And you're like, oh, I shouldn't have been lying this whole time.

And the whole time, I was like, I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan. That's right.

The Phoenix Tempe police love Joe Rogan.

They do. They told me that when they was walking me to the Omni where I was. I just did a sold-out show. I felt so bad. I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Timber Police, to the two officers,

and I don't know y'all name. And the Instagram asked me that, too. They said, what officers? I said, nigga, I told you I was drunk.

That's amazing.

That is incredible. I've never really thought about that. Falling asleep in a Waymo, there's no real.

I heard that they start playing music really loud.

Is what I thought.

I don't know.

Slept through that too.

They don't have good music. That's what fucked me up. Because I had went, I was leaving Rochester, New York, and then I had a 5 a.m. flight, so I stayed up, went to that, flew, did two hours in Tempe, Arizona, and I was expecting to see my grandma, but my grandma was dying right now, and she's from, she lives in Tempe, and so I didn't know until after the show. So I got drunk and I started hanging out and I started getting sad. I said, you know what, I'm gonna leave.

And then I got in the Waymo and the Waymo, they have suggestions for music, but none of them are good.

What are they?

Music that you listen to.

Dr. Phil music.

Vertical horizon.

Sure.

I know, I love Shania Twain. Don't play with me, baby.

Hell yeah. Shania Twain, Mark Twain. He listens to it all.

Well, maybe next time I'll fuck around that waymo with you and we can go get some fish sticks or something. Or not. Or you can just look at me and say, we'll be right back, you know?

That's right.

Oh, don't do that again. That's terrible.

Dedrick. I love those teeth.

Is there a specific song that would be on a way? Mo if you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a way, Mo is our senior black correspondent. What song would you pick?

Uh, Too Short.

Uh...

How does that go?

What? Too Short song again?

What too...

It's... I go on and on. Can't understand how I last so long. That's right. I might have superpowers. That's as long as might have a superpower. So that's two hundred three thousand.

That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike. So we get it.

That nigga, you can bring me out of the grave.

That is...

You play too short, nigga, I be bouncing. I bout... They should have a hits playlist to wake me up. Don't let the... Knock it on the window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep to gunshots, nigga.

That's not...

Absolutely.

No.

Think Poncho Sancho listens to Too Short as well?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

You live in Atlanta, too, don't you?

I what?

Yeah.

No, I'm in New York. I thought you was in Atlanta for a while. For 2TV. Uh, no.

Uh...

Hey, Atlanta, this nigga's a liar.

That would be a great sketch on Impractical Jokers, just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta telling each other what to say. Say, say, hello, my friend. Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now?

No, but I'm about to, motherfucker. See, I'm playing both roles in this.

That's crazy.

Dedrick, what is one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta?

Oh, man.

Besides my best friend getting shot in front of me, uh, this is...

Cut to a clip.

Oh, my goodness.

Sorry, we don't have it.

All right.

We had it.

All right. The police don't come that fast in Atlanta, right, Ben?

All right.

All right.

That sucks.

Go ahead. I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. I was at a bar, and one dude walked up to another dude and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. And the dude was like, order your own chicken wings

because he was like, yo, I bet you $25 I can eat your chicken wings faster than you. That doesn't work anywhere. He said, you did, but take your po ass over there. And then that dude, I swear to God, this is the first time I've ever seen this in time in my life

he had a sock attached to a string. It was like just a string with a knot on the end of it. He started swinging around like it was a nunchuck. There was something in the sock. Yeah, it was something that nigga was like, but if you defend your wings in Atlanta, that's that's your honor.

You know, like asking for a nigga hot wing in Atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody wife. Right. I'm saying? Like that shit is... And this nigga pulled out a gadget he'd been waiting to buy.

Yeah. A sock with something in it at the end of a string.

You watch Lord of the Rings? You know when Sauron came out with that little chain thing that nigga was like, that nigga was fucking up the elves?

This was Lord of the Wings. Lord of the Wings of the wings ladies and gentlemen, that's a nice fruit by the foot

Just To summarize the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta Was your best friend getting gunned down in front of you

and someone eating someone else's chicken wing.

Yeah.

And pulling out...

Ideal, hoe.

So there's a string and then there's a sock that's enclosed. Yeah, it's like two strings

and he has it like woven into like a bigger thing.

Wow.

It's like a knot. It looked like a, I don't know what you call it, cause I'm not from the medieval times.

Right.

You know what that is.

But that nigga had one of those. He was like, how dare you?

Yes.

And then did he, did he, he hit him with that?

Oh boy, did he? Oh my God.

And then the cop showed up and he said, this nigga asked me for a wing and the cop said, we'll take him to jail. Oh, Dedrick, you're the best man.

Unbelievable.

No asking for wings in Atlanta.

Don't ask for no other dude wings, that shit fucked up. That's my new voice.

That's what the dude. Don't need you know it.

That's what the dude said.

He said, don't ask me for my fucking money.

Oh, my God. That weapon sounds scary.

Yeah. It's usually pennies. They put pennies in a sock.

Yeah. Who's they, red band? Your people. Who's they?

Your people. Who's they? The old they them. Black people got quarters too. They got that.

I actually talk about that in my book. Chapter 35, Black People Have Quarters. Your local Barnes and Noble. Black people are people too.

Dedrick, you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much.

He's done it again.

Clint, everybody. With some tails from the streets, socks on the end of strings, and many great things. Your next bucket pull is a one word name. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tayja, everybody.

Tayja.

Oh my goodness. Everybody, Tayja. ♪♪

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, I just slept with my first white woman.

Whoo!

Hey, I'm glad you proud, nigga, because my girl was pissed. For real, man. It's bad, nigga. This is bad. I had never been with a white woman before, but I come fast, nigga. I bust quick.

Some people say premature. I like to say right on time. But nah, as soon as I put it in, I bust like instantly. I was like, my bad. I'm sorry. Oh my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay.

I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy though. Yo, it's real supportive, bro. It's very supportive. This white woman though, she changed my life, bro. She fucked me up, nigga.

She fucked me so good, I drink IPAs now.

I'm for real. My homie hit me up, he was like, you trying to go to the club? I was like, nah, nah, you want to go to the brewery? We play corn holing. Listen to Shania Twain, nigga. Now, look, before we started having sex,

she stopped me, she said, what are your kinks? What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks, though. She said she had a praise kink, which is like words of affirmation, good girl, shit like that.

That's not me, nigga. I don't think I did it right.

I was like, ooh, you the goat. All right, that's my time. My time. Taja! Great set.

Fantastic.

You've been on this show before?

Once.

Yeah. This went better than last time, I bet, right? Hell yeah. Well, welcome, welcome.

How long you been on stand-up? I just hit three years today.

Today's your three-year anniversary. How about that? Amazing.

What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Okay. Yeah, I get up at 5 a.m. every day and work like 10 hours.

Wow.

Wow.

That's when Red Band goes to bed.

New job, right? Huh?

New job?

Nah, nah.

Did you used to work at Apple or something like that?

Hell nah, nigga.

I think you're thinking about one of the other they. Amazing. You ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a lady's house?

No, I do like industrial shit like data centers and shit. Okay. It was one time though. It was one time I went to a lady's house. There was a kindergarten teacher and she tried to sleep with me and my co-worker. Yeah, yeah. I ain't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off, but...

Okay.

I know, nigga. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it. You work at a data center. Yeah, I'm with the union, so I just get moved around. They just move me around.

Do you know your data?

I'm half white, so, hey.

Okay. Your dad's white?

Yeah, yeah.

White dad, black mom.

They still together? Hell nah. No.

No.

Why do you think that ended? Do you think, why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah. How old were you when they divorced? They, he,

They were never married.

They were never married.

Right. No, no. I was like one, but you know.

Are you sure your dad's white?

I swear to God.

Okay.

White as hell.

All right.

Super white.

Okay. Yeah.

And what does your dad do?

He a realtor.

And what does your mom do?

Oh, shit. Okay.

The documents come in and then Tejas an interesting name. T a I J a does that mean something or Taj a tie and a J tie J tie J. Your mom is black. all right. That's what I call Target. Ty J, okay. I bet nobody says that correctly, right? Right, impossible to announce that based off of this spelling, Ty J.

All right, Dr. Phil.

You mentioned the premature ejaculating. When did that begin and how are you treating it? Because I would venture to assume not many women receiving that information are fired up, right? And I know you may, let me finish. Some of you are probably real used to hearing, right?

Now, keep it right here. Yep. What I mean by that, uh, uh, Tae-won, is...

Is there...

Is there... Is there something that you do to compensate, right? So if you're gonna get... If you're gonna bust your nut corn nut style, right? Yeah. And the girl's still laying there

like a dead fish being like, well, where's my fucking, you know, cum? You know, where's my fucking, you know, cum? You know, where's my, however she says it, you know?

Uh-huh.

You know, what do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time?

Hey, I gotta get out of here, bro.

That...

Wow. That's what your white father said.

Wow.

Some heads up. You can last longer using Bluetube Gold. Use the promo code Tony at Bluetube.com. Get 10% off. That's Bluetube.com.

I love it.

That's right.

You really are like a union guy. You just, you leave before the job is done.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

That is tonight's Frito-Lay joke of the night. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

That is tonight's Frito-Lay joke of the night. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Amazing, Ty Jay. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

Uh, I don't really have a lot of time. I just go to work and then I do comedy. Man, my brother's gay.

Oh shit, alright. What's his phone number?

He's fucking throwing red meat to the panel.

Desperation.

What does he do for work?

What does he do for work?

Yeah, I think he's like a librarian.

Some gay shit.

Okay.

Hell yeah.

Alright.

He's like one.

That means he hangs around libraries a lot.

Homeless.

Amazing. Ty Jay.

Some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time.

Oh, let's talk about that. Now, did he brought him home to your black mother or to your white father?

To my white father.

Ooh, okay.

How did white dad take that?

Well, I mean, you know, he's-

We'll be white dad.

How did white dad handle that?

He, you know, he very supportive and shit. He's supportive. I was mad though.

I was, I didn't like it.

Right. What do you think your black mother would say about?

Well, my mama mama mama said I got a sister. She gay. Oh

Yeah, yeah, and then my brother on my dad's side. He like, you know

Flamboyant flamboyant

He's a tiger He's a tiger yeah would watch. He's a tiger? He's a, he's a.

Gay tiger, yeah.

Yeah, he's a tiger-arian. Okay.

Was your brother's boyfriend a big fat white guy?

No, no, no.

More like Tony's build.

That's right. 164.

Point nine.

No, but I was mad because that nigga was ugly, bruh. That's the thing that made me mad about it.

That's what pissed you off.

Yeah, cuz I don't care if you gay, don't bring no ugly nigga home.

Yeah.

But you gotta get held to the same standard.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, he looked like he bite people.

I'm for real, he had a fucked up grill, nigga. It was bad. Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed, and it's easy to do with an ugly person. Thank you. Yes. This is some of my tricks. When I want to last long in bed, I hook up with an ugly man.

Okay.

This show's out of control.

Did you get a big joke book last time? No. Well, you're getting one tonight, TyJ. There you go, buddy.

And it keeps on rolling.

Great job, TyJ.

On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said. On to the next one. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Greg McHowan, everybody. Here comes Greg McHowan.

Yo, what's going on? Kill Tony!

Yo, recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone because for some reason iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk

to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages and blue messages will one day come together. You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine I'll have like a group

of Android supporters behind me leaving the club. They'll be chanting shit like, Green or blue, we don't care. Let us see your underwear. Shit's crazy. Across the street, you'll see the Android supporters, I mean the iPhone supporters,

and they'll be saying shit like, Well, if he ain't blue, then he can't come through. Or shit like that. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Okay.

I'm pretty sure that's his-

This is crazy.

That's his closing line there, Greg McCallum.

I like my mustache, guys.

Greg, how you doing?

Is this your first time on the show?

This is my first time on the show. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years, Tony. Two and a half years. Yes, sir. I love it. And Ty Jay is your brother, is that correct? All right. I knew he looked familiar. It was long lost, long lost, you know. That's right, that's right., originally from Dallas. Okay. What do you do for work? All these people have fake ass jobs now.

Currently unemployed, Tony.

When's the last time you had a job?

Last year, 2025, the last month of 2025.

December.

December, yes.

That would be.

It took a little minute.

It took a little minute to collectively get it. The last month of 2025. December. Yes, that would be it. It took a little minute to collectively get it. The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was a December. It landed on December. Correct. Sometimes it's February. You never know when the last month's gonna be. What was the job that you had until December? I worked as a customer service rep for like Spectrum.

Basically, I was calling people about their bills, trying to help them out and shit like that.

Calling people about their bills. Dr. Phil.

Yeah, I've recently been in too many Spectrum debacles.

Oh, hello.

So maybe we could do a little role play here

and you could give me some confidence in the establishment.

All right.

Oh, your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil.

Hello, who the fuck is this?

It's 10 a.m., you better be on fire.

Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling.

This is Spectrum calling about your bill. It's been overdue for about three months now,

so we're calling because you haven't missed your payments and we're trying to give you a little...

Can you get to the fucking point, son?

We're basically trying to give you a heads up to let you know that we'll be knocking something off your bill if we can get collect right now. Collect a little bit right now. You know what I'm saying?

Don't talk to me like that. I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I'll star 69 to your ass.

You star 69? We got your number on file. We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households. Apparently you just haven't been paying your bill.

I don't know how you're not paying your bill.

It's been a rough, ever heard of COVID motherfucker?

Well, you know what? I got you, I got you. This is what we'll do. Well if you go ahead and pay a hundred right now, you ain't even got to worry about the bill dawg. Don't even worry about the shit.

Alright let me call my friend Redband real quick and see if he can Venmo me a hundred bucks.

Uh oh, Redband pick up the phone.

Yes.

Hey what's up? What's up? What's up 257? Oh shit

You know, I'm just here eating

So so so red so he's the one we got it we got to get we got to get the money from so so me and Him are against you over. This is a three-way call. What is happening right now?

Who patched it fucking guy a miracle Tony? Oh Three-way call what is happening right now? Miracle Tony oh Hello, there's a fourth caller

Sorry, this is how we do things at the Phil house. I Know you guys a spectrum thinking fucking one-on-one this shit, but I got a whole half court ready to play motherfucker You ever played a pickup game at 24-hour fitness

Guys just show up? Yeah.

Alright, go ahead, Tony.

How exactly did you lose that job?

Um... It's...

Being... Basically paying off a lot of people's shit. Like, just pushing through and shit like that. Just, you know, helping some people out.

Okay.

They didn't like that shit. They didn't fuck with that shit at all.

Okay. I didn't fuck with that shit at all. Okay, so how much money do you have in your checking account right now?

Right now? Yeah.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Well.

Just give us a ballpark.

Ballpark, about 10 bucks.

10 bucks.

10 bucks.

A solid 10.

When is rent due? What's your living situation?

Currently, I live at the homeless shelter that's like right down the street from here.

Oh, okay. At Arch.

All right. This guy loves the homeless. Huge support.

That's not as sad as having an Android phone.

How long have you lived at the shelter?

I've been in Austin for probably like about a month now. So a month.

Okay. And how are we going to, wait, you moved from Dallas, so you had a living situation in Dallas, you're sacrificing it all for standup comedy right now. Okay, how much material do you think you have altogether if you were to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight.

I would probably say between 10 to 15. 10 to 15, okay. So what can you do? Like what kind of job can you be good at?

Customer service, anything sales related. Anything just dealing with talking to people is what seems to be.

I failed the fucking test.

What was that? You failed the test.

Wild, strange.

Okay, what's that from? Antonio what? Oh, Antonio Brown. That's right. OK, that's a deep cut. All right.

That happened on this show? Holy shit. All right. I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player.

Do you know how to play keyboard?

I don't know. I can make something work. I don't know.

Just kidding.

He's sitting pretty solid back there, dog.

I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere.

What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter?

Shit. Literally. They serve like scrambled eggs, regular shit. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken bolognese. You know, some they do a little chicken bolognese, you know, some type shit.

Chicken bolognese. Amazing. I've never even heard of that before. That sounds like...

We're throwing in new shit.

Well, you notice how he said bolognese, not bolognese.

It's like the dollar store spaghetti.

Yeah. It's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's chicken bolognese.

Well... Well, it's real good. It's real good. It's not bad, yeah. Food is food at some point. Oh, hell yeah. Well, how do you make friends there? You're a pretty chummy guy.

Yeah, I've met some people since I've been out here in Austin there.

Dr. Phil has a great point. Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So, kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person. I like, um, shit, man.

Where the fuck do I start?

So it's kind of like a cot, cold, cold cot, three bullshit meals, if you can call it that. Occasional fights, you know, a lot of crackhead energy. You know, you see people in the corners sniffing cocaine and, you know.

But you don't do drugs? No, you know... But you don't do drugs?

No, no, no, I don't do drugs.

Okay, well...

I watch them do drugs. I'm an observer, Tony. I watch them do drugs and they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do.

Um, okay. All right. Well, um, Greg McAllen. Easy women, right?

Like, pfft.

Huh?

Do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter?

Gotten laid outside of the homeless shelter, yes.

In a bush?

And in, like, yeah, near a tree.

Okay.

You know, you gotta find it any way you can get it.

All right.

Talk about that in my book, actually.

He's like, that's crazy.

Chapter 47, Pussy's a Puss. Old Pussy Bush.

Depending what year it is.

All right.

So you have family in Dallas?

Yeah, I have family in Dallas.

And did they just not, did they kind of like kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing or was moving to Austin to a homeless shelter your own idea?

No, actually they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. It was just like, I'm just going to do it. I'm all in for it.

How old are you?

29. I just turned 29 on the 31st.

Okay. Yeah. 31st of the last month of the year.

Yeah.

Of some month.

First month of the year. Yeah. All right. Happy birthday. Appreciate it. Does the shelter do anything? Do they give you like a cupcake or something like that?

No, no, no.

Nothing? No, nothing at all. Nothing.

Damn.

This is all so interesting. Fuck.

Yeah, well, we don't have any like sales jobs or anything or anything like that. So this is going to be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show.

She's got a job offer. Yeah, she raised her hand.

She definitely, she's been wasted for two hours. That is not the place to find hope, my friend.

You think you could sell nachos?

I think I could sell nachos.

I could sell the fuck out of some nachos, dog.

Uh, Greg McHowan, I'll tell you what, you have a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book just to fill it up.

Just to have something.

Worst comes to worst, sell it, double your net worth. There he goes, Greg McHowan, everybody. There goes Greg. Yeah, let's do that. Let's go with one of our golden ticket winners who's here to pop in, just visiting,

swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is.

It's Jack Shaw. Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking. I mean, I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking...

I mean, I'm so Jewish, I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's List, dude. I... You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude. There are, like... there are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud, we're prone to nervousness, we're very socially, shut the fuck up, dude.

No, we're very anxious people, we can be obsessive, but I realize the number one difference

between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains.

Thank you guys so much.

Jack Schaub. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. Always wondered what you were. Just kidding. Greg Fitzsimmons.

So the last guy worked for Spectrum and you're on. It's come full circle. Just like a choo-choo train, if you will. Jack.

That was funnier than you guys gave it credit for.

Or a juju train.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa!

Don't play that! Don't play that sound, please.

There you go.

There's a little something to cleanse the bones. Jack Shaw, how's life been going? Dude, it's been going great.

The last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props,

so I bought some fucking props tonight.

You had some successful props last time you were on.

Is the show, let's fucking.

Who's ready for some Jew props, huh?

It's Jew props.

Actually, no, that makes sense. This first one is to make your Jewish friends

feel comfortable on Christmas.

Wow. There you go. I love it. The first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable on Christmas. Wow!

I love it. Hey!

Jew props, we're talking Jew props.

We're talking Jew props.

My dad really doesn't want me to do this one. But this is a Hasidic gas mask.

Oh, god damn it.

Oh, you got it.

We'll picture it.

Put AI on it. Oh, fuck. Yeah, just put it on. Fucking put AI on it.

Fuck, fuck.

Just do it, do it. Do it like it works and then put the thing over your head second.

This is a Hasidic gas mask.

A Hasidic gas mask, everybody.

There you go.

All right, no, no.

He said it, not me, by the way. That's my dick, dude. That's... Okay, this one.

This one sucks.

If anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt,

how about some oinkment?

Oinkment? Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Ju-props.

We're talking Ju-props. We're talking Ju-props. He's doing the... He's doing the Jewprops.

Jewprops. Uh-oh. This is a drawing by D-Madness. I thought that was pretty... I think that's pretty good.

It looks great. That's amazing.

Great stuff.

This is health insurance for a healthcare CEO.

Ah, bulletproof vest.

All right.

Bagel and lox top.

This is Lego Epstein Island, everybody. This is... I thought that was going to go so much better.

What the... Jesus Christ.

All right, well we have an expansion pack with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, I think.

All right, Trump was never on the island, but keep going, Clinton won.

All right, fucking Stephen Hawking.

55 times.

What's that one?

Stephen Hawking.

Yes, he was there.

God damn it.

That's right.

Okay, well you know, we was there. God damn it. That's right. Okay, well, you know, we tried it. That's right. Jack Shaw lives in LA, so they will never let it go that Trump was never on Epstein Island, just a fun fact. But he was never there.

Okay, well, that didn't go great.

It's like, it's a little like carrot stop.

Dude, that's what I wanted to ask Carrot Top. I was hoping Carrot Top would be here so I could ask him for some mentorship.

So, Carrot Top, I'll be Carrot Bottom right here.

Whoa!

You were ready for that.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Hey, do you want this?

Wow.

That's a lot of red puke.

You want this?

Here, I'll trade you.

You can't have it all right I'll trade you there you go you can't use it you could use the high you can you believe in yourself if I scrunch it down and up on it's fine you could just put your whole body into it yeah yeah

yeah put it over my head that fits one full punch, uh, poncho sancho. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha. Take your time. Sound it out.

Ha ha ha ha.

Poncho sancho via.

Ha ha ha.

Uh, Jack, I, turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody.

Thank you guys so much.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. There he goes, the lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bunker we go. This name came from the inside. Make some noise for BHC Tommy. BHC Tommy.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever. Magical, even. Abracadabra, if you will. Now that's what I call Netflix and chilled. There's a burial plot twist.

The offender's actually a woman. Thank the Lord for rigor mortis. She testified that her favorite movies are Die Hard and Rise of the Living Dead. In related news, a local drive-by shooting had 12 casualties. That means she was down there gang-banging gangbangers.

It was crips and blood everywhere with no regard for human life, because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges, literally because she had jumper cables hooked up to her nipples.

Here's the real shocker, she only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw-dogging zombies when she should have been using the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works because a vampire can't come inside anywhere

without permission first.

That's it.

Okay, BHC Tommy.

Uh...

It was a lot there. There was... I mean, that may have been...

So many...

You had so many attempts. You had so many attempts. You had so many jokes and only that one at the end, I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it, Sal Vulcano.

I think as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss all hundred attempts that you take. No, I appreciate that. That was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show.

It's true.

And what you did was you really hitched your wagon to one thing. And so once it was... You know what it is? When you came out, the setup was... You got into it so quickly, I almost kind of was a little bit confused.

Well, it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute. So I just try to...

Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about, like, fucking dead corpses and stuff?

Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my love life is the competition.

There's another one.

Oh, I'll...

BHC Tommy, how long have you been doing standup?

I've been chasing this selectively since last February.

Okay, chasing this selectively since last February. Okay, chasing this selectively.

What a way to say I'm not really doing it.

Yeah.

Bro, you are gonna make it. That's what you gotta do when you really want something, you chase it selectively.

Yeah.

Yeah, what do you mean by chasing selectively? Take us through your work ethic.

So, I've been a fan of the show for a couple years. Started chasing the bucket last February. And chasing the bucket.

Sounds like a Judy Blum book that never made the cut. Chasing the book.

Are you there, God?

Yeah.

So I've done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this, because it would be insane to come up here with a zero mic.

I agree. I agree.

And, uh.

And especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60, that would be insane and it happened here tonight. Okay, so BHC Tommy, how old are you?

I'm old, Tony. 43.

43, what do you do for work?

I work with marine construction.

Marine construction.

You mean?

We build beaches.

You build beaches? Yes.

Where are you? It's a thing. It's dredging. So we have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material. And then we pump it to the beach and the beach constructs the beach.

Wow. And then Red Band washes up on it. And that's how you find a Red Band.

OK.

BHC Tommy. So how long have you been doing that for?

About seven years.

Anything crazy ever happen when you're out there dredging?

Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But, I mean... It's kind of like you're a background player on that show. Let me give you an answer that you get.

We find, like, we find explosives and, like, Civil War-head missiles and stuff.

And this is mostly off the coast of Texas?

We do do work in Galveston. You do do? And Freeport, but I've been working mostly in New Jersey.

Oh, I can't even imagine what you find in New Jersey.

Absolutely incredible.

How long has your hair, how long has that been, how long? It looks like your barber was chasing your head selectively.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is true.

Dr. Phil, oh shit, there That is true. Dr. Phil. Oh, shit, there he is. Mr. McGraw.

Now, that's a joke, because I can't pull it off. So I'm obviously deflecting and admiring,

but also judging.

When I go to the barber, I just, I say, I say, make it look like G.I. Joe on this side and Barbie on this side. Well, you're killing it. But for real, how long have you had it like that? Probably like 18 months, two years. So it's a new acquisition.

Mm-hmm.

What made you want to go with that?

I mean, I've always had the Mohawk on the side, but I have a nephew who plays hockey, and he's got the flow and the mullet, so we kind of grew it out together.

That's cute.

Okay. Why BHC, Tommy? What does the BHC mean? Um, so BHC has just, like, been my handle for all my social media ever since, like, AOL Instant Messenger. It's just a nickname I've had.

Banging hot corpses?

Sometimes.

Oh, fist bump.

Hey, I want to play. I want to play Big Hairy Cock.

Wow. Sal, your turn. So it really stands for Big Hater Company because just I hate on shit all the time. Like I just talk shit.

Wow.

What do you hate on?

I mean, I'm just a troll in general. Like I just...

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's fucking broad.

I'd be hating Coochie, I think is what she said.

All right. BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the great Bones Eye. Keep trying. Keep selectively chasing your dreams. Baby. There he goes, BHC Tommy. Some people just, uh...

Some people just try. Some people just hope for the best. You gotta try.

If you don't at first succeed, you know,

well, maybe figure, do something else.

Is that in the book?

Chapter four. You son of a bitch.

Your next bucketful goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. So I don't do one night stands anymore. I do two night stands. Otherwise it looks, you know, makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on 6th Street and, you know, she takes me home. I'm super drunk, she's super high, you know. We start macking as soon as we walk through the door.

And you know, I go down on her. I don't know why, I was just in the moment. I go down on her. I'm horny, that's why. But yeah, she stops me. I'm horny, that's why, but um, yeah. She stops me, I'm like, oh shit, is she on her period?

No. I'm like, is she trans? No. She told me she had a DUI, or that's what I thought I heard, you know? And I'm like, why'd you tell me this now?

You drove us here and then you're gonna tell me that? That's fucking crazy. But she tells me, no, no, no, a VYI. I'm like, VYI, what the fuck's a VYI? She said vaginal yeast infection.

I was like, ooh, yeah, ooh, ooh.

I was like, yeah, I'll take the Mac,

you can keep the cheese. Thank you. My name is Lorenzo Tyree.

All right, Lorenzo Tyree. Lorenzo, have you been on this show before?

Yeah, third time. Third time.

What?

Third time.

Third time.

Yes, sir. Absolutely. Welcome.

How's it going, man?

Man, pretty good. I didn't expect it tonight.

I was drinking a pitcher of that good stuff. The tequila pineapples.

You had a pitcher of tequila pineapples?

Yes. Yes.

You think that was a good idea?

Yeah, I was like, you know, chilling out. I love being, hanging out with the other comedians. It would be fun.

Okay, well.

Are you the second Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

I am not.

All right. Let's make it small talk.

Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks.

It is incredible.

I like your, I do want to say, you know, the, a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic. It's something we're all going through and trying to figure out. But, uh, you said a second stand.

So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often,

yeah?

Well, uh...

It's a simple yes or no question.

You're an active... Preseason for what, WNBA? The fuck are you talking about?

You look like-

Breeding, B, breeding, breeding.

It's my way of saying you look like a giant lesbian, Lorenzo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Somehow you look like every character from Sesame Street at once.

It is-

So crazy. Absolutely incredible. Ladies, any stud-likers out here? This guy's built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy. Oh my god. Tequila pineapples.

Do you ever make jokes about your appearance? Because that is one way to get the crowd on your side, right? Is to be self-deprecating right out of the gate.

Yeah, I got a couple. Yeah.

I missed last season because I was in a Russian prison. Shit, that's Alaska.

That's right, yeah.

Alaska's basically a Russian prison.

All right. Lorenzo, what do you do for a living?

Mainly work a smoke shop job right now.

I also work fireworks in Alaska.

You what?

I work with, like, I do fireworks out there.

You work with fireworks?

Yeah. What exactly do you do with fireworks?

Cargo containers come in with full of fireworks. I stock.

Where are they coming from, China?

Yeah, I think so.

You don't know where they're coming from?

Well, who else makes fireworks, Tony?

I'm asking you. You're the one that works in the fucking business, Lorenzo. Jesus Christ, the attitude on these children nowadays. Fucking people.

It's unbelievable.

Lorenzo, anything happen interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show? Um, me and my girlfriend separated.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

How long were you with her for?

Met her in May of last year, dated her in May of last year. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

How long were you with her for?

Met her in May of last year. Dated her in August to January.

Okay. You just named a bunch of months and it didn't get a single answer out of you. Perfect. What made this separation happen?

They were just, they weren't any more fireworks.

Ha ha ha ha. The fireworks went out. I'll be here for the rest of the evening. What made you separate?

I just think we were too different, you know. Not the Yin and Yang type either.

What do you mean, too different? Isn't she a woman as well?

You know, I like working out. She really didn't. Long term, that's, you know, I need that, you know, future. Going out, I didn't. She's like, what? Going out. I didn't like going out. You're a homebody.

Kind of. I go out for mics and stuff like that, but I don't like to be out too often. I get really drunk sometimes.

It sounds like you do that a lot. If you drank a pitcher of tequila pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem.

Sorry, Grandma.

Um...

What?

That's his closer. That's how he signs off his sets. Sorry, Grandma.

That's my time. Sorry, Grandma.

I'm actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than buckle up.

They're in the same department store, though.

Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Lorenzo Tyree, everybody.

There he goes.

You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing.

A little and medium. So, OK, little medium next time. Keeping it moving along. Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go, you drunk ass motherfucker. Jesus Christ.

Sion Lazar. He thought it was one of those AMV doors, one of those automatic curtains. Hold on a second, hold on, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you just missed something crazy. I don't know if you

guys heard, but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those gas station

doors.

He stood there waiting. Let's reset. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, I do believe. One more time for Sion Lazar, everybody.

-♪♪

Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land, but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here,

you should see how they walk. There's this one guy, he walked into me about ten times. It's kind of like those remote cars. When they bump into something, he just,

yee-ah-boom, yee-ah-boom.

They don't even look up from their phone, they just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is, they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is?

If you don't know what a metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metro is...

Calm down Americans, calm down. Stand on your head and calm down, like the police say. Sir, put your hands in the air, stand on your head and calm down. No, calm down sir. You need to go, no, what they do is, in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metrosexual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the poles.

Oh.

All right, Sion Lazar. Sion, where are you from?

I'm originally actually from Texas,

but I lived most of my life Mediterranean

the Mediterranean Sea In Mediterranean area. Yeah, Greece. How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea? 1919 and how old are you now? I'm 34 34 so Oh my god Fuck you, Texas. Fuck you. In 15 years... Okay, guys. Jesus.

I see why you moved to the Mediterranean. Fucking drunk Latinos everywhere. So in 15 years, you're saying that that accent's like real?

Well, you work on it, you know. It's not perfect, but... You polish it and you sleep on it and... It is what it is, I don't know what to say.

No, I think you're reversed. I think he's saying that... The accent you have now, what you're saying...

Yeah.

Oh yeah, he thinks...

Bear with me.

You think that he's saying that you're trying to achieve a better American accent and you're working on that. Oh. He's saying that you lived here for 19 straight years first and definitely didn't speak the way you're speaking now.

Yeah.

And then you picked up a heavy accent from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years,

which is peculiar.

Yes. This is like me coming back from the Mediterranean over the last 15 years, which is peculiar. Yes.

This is like me coming back from the two week vacation I took last year to Rome and me coming back like, how is everybody doing? I don't even know what you talk about. It's good to be a home to America. A benvenuto, americaci.

He's like, how you say cucumber?

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. If you understand me, I don't. He's like, how you say, cucumber? Holy shit. I am from a taxi, so we like things big. And I'm an English teacher, by the way.

It's the worst thing.

I was born with a barbecue, flies like wings. You never ask another man for his wing.

Book it the maple.

Fuck the dog, beware of the owner.

And then it bump into something.

What the fuck was that?

The only accent they know is Italian. It's strange.

Sorry, grandma.

Well, I mean.

To ourselves.

If you got a rhythm, continue, gentlemen.

I'm enjoying myself too.

So the accent, you would label that more as Greek?

No, probably more Israeli, actually.

Okay.

I speak Hebrew.

I speak a little Greek and Turkish, too.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't take him long to bring it up, did he?

Ha ha!

Call back, dude.

Yeah, baby!

He's back.

Fitz Dogg.

If you ask, you're gonna find out. That is tonight's Honey Nut Cheerios joke of the night.

Wow.

So Sion, I gotta give you credit. Out of all the interviews out of the bucket I've had tonight you do seem like the most interesting. You're answering questions. It seems as though you have some life experience. What have you been doing over there?

What made you leave Texas and go to the Mediterranean?

Oh, well, I teach English. Pfft! I focus on the adjectives more than the nouns, if that makes any sense.

This is incredible.

But not the pronouns.

Over in America, things are very strange, pronoun-wise. Go on.

Tell us about that. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying, Not the pronouns. Over in America, things are very strange, pronoun-wise. Go on.

Tell us about that. Tell us about that. You have global knowledge. It's good what you're saying so that Americans can hear it. Go ahead.

Well.

So you see, you have the he, and then you have the she. But sometimes, in certain circumstances, the she, or usually the he, will decide that he would like to try the other side. So, he looks up a doctor, and the doctor says, turn around. And then he examines the size. That's the first thing and if it's too large Then he needs special equipment

But sometimes it's it's minimal it's nominal and in that case

He just says continue with what you're doing put on on a little lipstick, and you're good to go.

Anyway, to the bride and groom. Yes, to the man.

Worst wedding speech of all time. Can you imagine your best friend's getting married and he's up here going, hey, let's get the tow, let's get the, go to meet Zelda in the parking lot

for some rubbing tugs.

What the fuck was that?

I'm sorry, I drank a pitcher of a tequila pineapple.

I'm sorry, I drank a pitcher of a tequila pineapple.

That is true. It is not the direction I thought things were gonna go, but I found it hypnotizing. So you teach English in all those different places and you kind of just go wherever you want.

Well, yes, that's the way it is. It's kind of addictive, actually. Once you start traveling, you just can't stop. You just keep running away forever. And you convince people that this is the way Americans speak.

So wherever I'm teaching, they're gonna talk like me.

And wherever you're teaching, they're gonna talk like me. And wherever you're teaching, you're gonna talk like them.

You have to assimilate. You have to assimilate.

Hell yeah.

I don't wanna be a racist.

I have to say, this is the one contestant tonight, panelist, guest, what do we call them? Bucket pool. Bucket pool that looks like he gets pussy.

That is true. Or dick.

Do you do well?

I've seen one or two.

You present like everything you're saying is so much more important than it really is.

You might not think it's funny, I'm gonna go home and laugh my ass off.

You got me hooked.

I'm like, what happens to the he and the she?

It comes from Genesis, chapter six. And they knew that they were naked. And they hid themselves in the garden.

God agrees. We are getting worried that God agrees with you.

Christians, Christians, where are the fucking Christians?

Uh, Scion. Go ahead, Dr. Phil.

Do you do drugs?

Excuse me?

Do you do drugs? Like are you a casual weed smoker or?

No, no, I live in China. They kill you for that.

You live in China now too?

It's the death penalty.

Yeah, I live in China now. Oh, I live in China so long. I talk like this now, I teach English. What's up? Can you imagine? Have you ever heard a white guy with a Chinese accent? This guy was born in fucking Texas. It could happen.

And I wanted to.

Well, Xiao Zhongwen.

What'd you say?

If there's any Chinese people, you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, we don't.

We have a very small Chinese.

How dare you say, there's Chinese people in Texas.

Not here.

Not here? Is this a Klan meeting? What the...

All right, Sion, relax.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.