KT #759 - JOE LIST + STEVE RANNAZZISI

♪♪ Whoo! ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony!

Give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

-♪♪

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? -♪♪ Yippee! And that's the best damn band in all of the land everybody, the Kill Tony Band. Make some noise for them, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by PrizePix, Quo, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter. How we fucking feeling tonight, people, huh?

We're gonna watch some comedians try to do comedy tonight. It's gonna be a real hoot, Nanny. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week I book two of the funniest people I know in the world this week. No different.

This is a special one. Down to the nitty gritty. Just two pure fucking real stand up comedians. Two of my favorites. Two of the best in the world. Make some noise for Joe List and Steve Ranazese.

Here we go. Joe List. Steve motherfucking Ranazeezy. Here we go, Joe List. Steve motherfuckin' Ranazeezy.

Yee-hoo! We are gonna have some fun tonight, everybody. I'm excited about this one. Joe List has a new special out on YouTube called Small Ball.

Welcome back, Joe. Thank you, Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

And one of my favorites since I started, a true comedy store fucking comic. I used to dog sit for him. I used to house sit for him. I thought life was never gonna get any better than that.

And we thought you fucked our dog, too.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

The great Steve Randazzi is back. You guys have done this show before, you know how it works. About 300 insane people have signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Some of them, some of the most promising talent of the future of the art form of stand-up comedy. Some of them are completely crazy.

In fact, recently we had a guy who's just a stalker of a female comedian who did a minute just so that he could maybe get to meet her and get closer to her. Anything can happen. Anything can happen. Somehow, it remains the number one live podcast

in the world. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West

Hollywood bear. Which just interrupts their set and then I conduct an interview. Absolutely anything can happen and the whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night, getting us started with a brand new minute, this young lady was discovered here on the show. She spent some of her last money to get on an airplane from Tampa, Florida to come to Austin, Texas. Live in an arena on Netflix, she got pulled out of a bucket, won a golden ticket

in front of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, make some noise for the return of young everybody

People be asking what my type is I'm really into Arabic guys For the very attractive. I like their thick hair, sharp facial features. Every time I see one on the street, I go up to them. I say, sir, can you please cover your hair and your skin? You make me feel very lustful. I can't help but want to touch you right now. And when they don't comply, I throw rocks at them. See, when I'm rich, I'm gonna throw big parties,

and I'm gonna invite a whole bunch of very attractive Arabic male models, so I'll pay to shit in their mouth. And I'll be really good at it, you know, I'll just tell the mate, Habibi, Habibi, lay down, open your mouth, this is my gift for you. It's very halal.

Let me show you the Asian squat. And if they...

The great Young ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back Young. Covering the Arabs today. Oh yeah. Gotta hate on one on each episode. I know. You get away with racism better than anybody I've ever imagined before. If I had your delivery in face I would be so much more racist than I am. It is tough living out here with this bone structure, but you just slice it in.

You're like the nurse that gives you the shot. You don't even know it's over, but you do that with racism. You inject people with pure racism.

Bad nurse.

It's adorable.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Young, how's it going?

It's been good.

I just did a show with one of my Kiltonian family, Martin Phillips.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, and when I was reading his message, I read from his voice, he's like,

Thank you, Young.

That's a good impression. that's a good impression.

It's a good impression. Yeah. So he he looks like he sounds like RFK if he didn't do coke.

It's true. That is true. Young, how's life going for you now that you're a little superstar?

Oh, I'm still kind of broke. You know, I need people to come to my shows. Go to my website. I have a show in Austin and San Antonio and New York City, if you're in New York City.

Ooh, New York City.

Yeah.

Very nice. Great time to go to New York. Nothing better than snow piles and dog shit everywhere. Very exciting. Guys, this is your first time seeing Young?

Yeah. My first time seeing young. Yeah, my first time seeing I like you were great great energy Oh, thank you seems like you want to start a female Epstein Island, and I'm down with that For Arab men I'm cool with that that seems cool

Yeah, I didn't care for your energy, but you're you see See like a nice person for sure I would have liked a little more zip not zip but whoa

What do you call like?

Oh, yeah, I love your stand-up by the way. I like I like you I love you

I was just feeding off of his energy the fuck. I like you too very

So do you know like good in Chinese we have a phrase for people who look like you oh boy. Oh, Jesus

Is it you back to you?

You don't want to hear this.

No, I think it's going to be nice.

What is it, young?

Si Wen Bai Lei.

Oh.

What does that mean?

It means nerdy pervert.

Oh.

I told you, Joe.

I knew that wasn't going to go well.

That's only half true. Half true I am NOT a nerd I just have bad eyesight

I'm very I don't know how to play chess. I fuck well whoa

This is amazing breaking news. Oh, you're tough lady. You're like the Black Widow

Yeah, I'm black. I was like who is this nice. Yeah, that's cool

So that's fair I said the same thing

Why can I get on the episode with bigger comedians oh

my god

Trust me. We thought the same thing backstage too. We were felt the same way

Thank you, I appreciate that. Young, you are fearless, adorable, always crushing. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us. Of course, thank you. The great Young, everybody, and we are off and running. I've been informed that our first bucket pool of the night is behind the curtain. They have indeed been wrangled. We're going to meet this person all together.

Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool. Rock Turner, everybody. Here we go.

Rock Turner.

♪♪

Hey.

Who knows how big their dad's dick is?

All right?

We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. My dad hated wearing clothes. And, like, my dad, I know how big my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now.

Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though.

You imagine your mom, like like leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning.

Her left tit grazes your forehead. Honey, time to get up. Mom, get your tits out of my face.

I'm not six months anymore.

Tony? more Tony sure all right I guess I may not clean yeah that's one way to end is that I wouldn't have known when you were done at the end. Wow. That was a lot. Trauma. That's what that set was. I think you saw a lot more of your dad's dick than you're letting us on to believe.

It's pretty big. I don't know what it looks like hard.

So right. How could you see it when it was in your ass is a little boy very hard to tell gentle sweet young boy ass that you had when you took that's what we have actual audio from your childhood that's a young rock Turner that's when you were just pebble Turner sweet sweet boynt to my dad's eye. How old are you, Rock?

42.

42. How long you been doing standup?

About two years.

Two years. What made you want to start at the age of 40?

I just love making people laugh. The art form, I just wanted to do it. And like, I do photo and video and it's like weddings and stuff like that. And there's a lot of dead time, so I just wanted to do something else that I also love doing.

And I love comedy, so I figured it was

a great thing to get into.

All right.

And Austin, of course.

You love the city of Austin. Have you always lived here?

Since 01, so most of my adult life.

Okay.

And you...

Ah! Pfft. Ha, ha, ha. That's OK.

All right.

Dad's here again.

Yeah. Is your dad still alive?

He is still alive, yeah.

And you still haven't seen it hard?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

We have him on the line right now. We're going to ask him. We're going to have him measured out. Rock, is that what you do for a living? You take photo and video at weddings and whatnot?

Yeah, it's mostly weddings, events, corporate stuff.

Craziest thing you've ever had to do a video and photography for that's not a wedding?

I did a dude-dwar shoot once.

A what?

Dude-dwar.

It's like boo-dwar, but with dudes.

Oh, oh, God.

What does that mean? That's actually how I saw my dad's dick.

Dude war? What do you, I'm still not getting it.

Dude's in their underwear. He took pictures of guys with their cocks

in their underwear.

Yeah, yeah.

That's terrible.

Sexy underwear and stuff.

Yeah.

It was supposed to be for their wives, but. Our resident homophobe, D-Madness, plugging his ears, groaning, making a lot of noises right now. Motherfucker talking about his dick, his dad's dick,

everybody's dick, all this shit's gay. This show gay as fuck, Tony! It's the gayest goddamn show I ever not seen in my life! All right.

Rock, what do you do when you're not doing stand-up and video photography and all that? That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's not allowed. That's a left turn.

I didn't see coming. I thought you lived alone.

The question is, have your kids seen your dick? Is this a family tradition? It's true.

Have they been stuck between a rock and a hard place?

Maybe right now.

How many kids do you have?

I've got four kids. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Maybe right now. How many kids do you have? I've got four kids.

Jesus Christ, rock. My God, look at you, king cream pie over here.

Yeah.

What's the age range of these four kids?

So the older two are step kids, they're like 26 and 20. And then the younger ones are 12 and 11.

Wow, so the ones that came out of your nuts are 12 and 11. Wow. So the ones that came out of your nuts are 12 and 11.

Yeah.

All right. Boys, girls?

One of each.

OK.

What about the older ones that were in the 20s?

What about them? What exactly are you asking?

Male or female?

I'll tell everyone except for Red Band.

There you go. All right. Rock Turner. Interesting stuff. Guys, what do we think about Brock?

I like when you talked about your mom's tits.

That was great.

The visual?

I mean, they seemed nice. Yeah. Pendulous.

I mean, you probably have to have some nice tits to get a nice dick.

Oh, dude. You lived a horrible life.

You lived like an HBO real sex life, like those people that fuck on camera.

Am I mistaken? Isn't Brock Turner a famous rapist?

Yeah.

What?

Oh.

And it sucked too, because when I first got into comedy, like literally I'd search my name, and you know Google's like, oh, did you mean?

It didn't even give it, did you mean? It didn't even give a did you mean. It was just like, this is what you meant, Brock Turner.

The brutal rapist?

So anybody that's trying to find my comedy, they're like, oh, this rapist dude.

It was like, Turner versus whatever case.

Wow.

What are the odds that Brock Turner, Rock Turner, both are rapists? This is incredible.

I know.

50-50. I think the case was exactly 11 years ago.

How old did you say your kid was?

The fucked up part is he changed his name to Alan.

So now I'm closer to Brock Turner than he is.

Oh my goodness.

Kid's smart.

I feel like if you had one minute,

this bit is better than the bit you did.

It is true.

It's good stuff.

Not that the bit wasn't amazing. Obviously it was a killer bit you did, but.

Do you have any jokes about how Rock Turner sounds like Brock Turner, a famous rapist?

Well, so not only that, but this is actually not my given name. My parents named me Rock Turner, and then they unnamed me and named me Brad instead. So my real name is Brad.

Why don't you just change your name to Jeffrey Bomber or something like that?

Well, they named me after Rock Hudson, and then they found out he was gay or bisexual.

Whoa! Found out.

Oh, what a tough day in the Turner family.

And then I became Brad.

Oh!

He's a what?!

Ha!

Not in my house.

Yeah.

See my dick, but...

We're changing his name. We're changing his name to Elton.

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, Rock, you did your very best. I'm sure of that. There's a little joke book for you, buddy. There he goes, Rock Turner.

That's a fun little bucket pull. There we go. Oh my goodness. Right on cue.

Our very own Vanna White, ladies and gentlemen. The great Heidi is here, everybody.

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Everyone needs someone to talk to. Go to TalkSpace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 now. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, looks like a new name. Make some noise for Mark Fitman, everybody.

Mark Fitman, everybody. Mark Fitman. How you doing, everyone? Nice to be here. It's coming up on Oscar season. And I used to be into it a lot more. Last year, I saw the best picture, Nora. And the first 20 minutes of that movie is all sex.

And after that, I kind of lost the plot and just zipped up and left the theater.

You know.

You know.

You know.

I don't think I'll be welcomed back this year. I'm not really sure. I don't know if it's racist or not, but I programmed my GPS to avoid all Martin Luther King boulevards. Just figure I'll bypass that. I do think racism is getting a little bit better as I get older.

It seems a lot better. I mean, I'm getting really good at it. Come from my house, you know, my grandfather had a cat that was named the N word. Oh, it's just ended there.

I love it.

Mark Bittman. Welcome. Welcome, sir.

How are you?

Good. Good to see you.

How long you been doing stand up? This is like the sixth mic I've done basically.

Wow, look at you.

Natural.

I did some improvisational acting back in the 90s.

Nice, can we ask you how old you are?

I am 59.

59, you look the same age as Rock Turner, he's 42. That's incredible. So what made you wanna start start stand-up nowadays?

You know, my kids are in college now, and I've got a little more time. I travel for a living, so I've been hitting mics as I travel.

That's awesome. What do you do for a living?

I work in a consulting business. We basically give, like, CEOs really smart things to say. Ooh.

Yeah.

OK. Very cool. You've been doing that your whole life?

No, not all the time. I worked in the car business for a while.

What were you doing in the car business?

I was a body and fender man painter.

Hell yeah.

OK, I love it. And your kids are in college. You still married?

Yeah, yeah. Nice. We actually married, divorced for two years, then got remarried.

Ooh, let's talk about it. I love that. I knew the second he came out here, I go, this is gonna be great. Because, you know, we get a lot of these fucking kids up here and whatnot. Nobody's got a life story. I try to get the best out of the interviews with people.

Sometimes when someone comes out here, I can just tell it's gonna be a good interview, and here we go. You may have just answered a lot of people's questions on how to save a marriage. It's getting a divorce.

Yeah, it works, because you end up figuring some things out about each other and realizing no one else wants you.

How deep... How deep into your marriage... That's fantastic. How deep into your marriage did you get the divorce? We were about 11 years in.

I love it. 11 years in.

So, did you get the divorce and you guys just started banging whatever you wanted, basically? Is that the deal? No, I think the trouble was,

we couldn't bang anything we wanted.

What do you mean?

We couldn't find anybody else.

Oh, I love that. That's amazing. So what was it like when you guys rekindled? Or you already had kids?

Yeah, yeah, we had our kids. And I would go over there to put them down, see them off for the night, and try and visit with them, spend time with them. Then I invited them over for Thanksgiving. And then we just started back up.

I love it. That's amazing.

Wow.

Steve, what do you think about this?

Dude, so you had a halftime in your marriage, right? That was like you went back, you studied game film, you're like, I can't fuck anything else. I wonder if she's having sex. And what was the convo like when you guys circled? It seemed like you just circled the parking lot and you just were like, hey, these are the best spots

we can get. Let's just go back together. What was that conversation like, like when you were like, are you happy?

How did you feel?

We were both like, well, we both lost some weight, so. That's awesome.

That's great.

I don't have any, I'm just enamored. I want you to be my dad. You're like, you're such a cool customer. You've done six mics.

I feel like you have no nerves whatsoever.

Yeah.

I've got a few.

Oh, okay. Well, you're very, are you on drugs?

No. Oh, lisinopril. I'm sure blood pressure medicine or something, right?

Yeah.

I'm on blood pressure medicine.

Yeah, yeah. Good job, Dr. Ranazizian.

Hey man, I see rosacea, I know my own. I know I got it.

I'm on blood thinners.

I almost died on Super Bowl Sunday.

This past Super Bowl Sunday?

Yeah, yeah. Show pissed me off. I know. I was serious. I take the blame for that, by the way. I don't think I've acknowledged that on this show.

It's your fault.

That is my fault. That's the pendulum swinging the other way, Tony.

No doubt about it.

That's karma.

Everyone's making up for your mistake.

What's that?

Everybody's making up for your mistake. Yes, exactly.

That guy dancing on telephone poles and whatnot. Amazing. Tell us about your near-death experience.

I have a, it's called a bilateral hemat,

or blood clots in my lungs.

I have a bi-heart as well. Okay.

Bilateral pulmonary embolism. Nice. So what did that feel like? It felt like a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. My heart rate went up to like 147.

Yeah, it was pretty rough.

147 is bad, right?

It's pretty bad.

Well, for you, it's probably...

That's your resting heart rate.

Jesus Christ, Redman.

So you... Was this during the actual Super Bowl? It was before. Okay. So you went to the hospital?

Yeah, yeah. I went to the urgent care and they said, yeah, I think this EKG looks like shit. You better go to the emergency room.

I love it.

I love it.

Mark, what else about your life? Tell us more about any hobbies or any fun facts about you?

You know, I just do a lot of family stuff. I like old cars and working on those I don't have any at the moment, but you know, I think there was some girl selling a Mustang around here somewhere. I

Think I remember that. I love it. So six open mics. What was the improvisational?

Experience that you have so I went through Classes at Second City an Improv Olympic and then did a bunch of stuff around there. Is that in LA? In Chicago. Wow, is that where you live? No, I live in Kansas City now, but I used to live in Chicago.

You ever see The Bean? Yeah. You know about The Bean? I know about The Bean. I still don't believe it's real. What made you move to Kansas City? I moved there for work. Okay. Very cool. And, uh, hell yeah. So what do you do when you're on the road?

Talk about your, you have a lot of travel experience. Any travel tips for people?

I developed a special power. Yeah.

I can, with my eyes closed, tell you what hotel I'm in just by the lotion.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooh!

Can you describe this to us?

I think the Marriott adds some kind of synthetic in there.

Yes.

Would you be willing to jerk off in front of all of us right now?

Yeah.

We're all going to see our dad's dick tonight.

I love it, Mark.

Kids turned out good?

Yeah, yeah, I got one in KU, one in K-State.

Females?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

That's a hard female there, Red Band. Female?

Asian Red Band.

Mark, you're the man. Come back again, sign up sometime. You're our first big joke book of the night. Mark Fitman. How fun. Gonna keep it moving along here as we go to our next bucket poll, everybody.

He goes by the name of Saul Wilson.

We're gonna meet Saul together. One more time for Saul Wilson, everybody.

How's it going? Wilson we're gonna meet Saul together one more time for Saul Wilson everybody

how's it going you know the the modern world is different you know brownie points used to mean one thing but now it means a higher chance of anal and if you remember there's a pilot shortage I'm not sure if it's still going on, but uh, it begs the question, did anyone ask the band 21 Pilots for help? Like I know, like I know their sound, it's not that complex. I bet they could have spared like 16 or like 17 pilots.

I find it strange that we, we name storms after people. Is that like all ex-girlfriends of ex-boyfriends? You know, just like a meteorologist looking forward to a hurricane. It's like, yeah, like you, fucking you, you like my brother more, Katrina?

Well, let's see if there's a hurricane coming.

Yeah.

But then I realized we even name... And then I realized we even name diseases after people. Like leukemia, named after some black lady somewhere.

Alright.

Saul Wilson. Welcome back, Saul. How are you? I remember you. How's life been back, Saul. How are you? I remember you.

How's life been going, Saul? I don't say well. What? Same old, I guess.

Same old, okay.

Tell us about that.

What do you do for work, Saul? Just anything with my car these days. I get to make money.

Your car?

You drive?

Yeah. You Uber, you Uber Eats, that type of stuff?

Yeah, all of the above.

Nice. Anything crazy happen in the backseat of your car lately?

No, no.

How about the front seat? How about in the driver's seat?

Rock and roll.

There's a lot of road rage.

Alright, you have road rage? Yeah, but I bet some people would have recognized me

as the guy that flipped them off in traffic.

Oh, you're a big flipper-offer, huh? Is that your move?

I feel like that's why I'm here. It's delusional.

All right, so.

I never see those people. I'm driving way faster than when I'm passing them, right?

Okay, red band. Boy, can't tell which one's Saul and which one's red band. Nothing coming from anywhere.

I love it.

Brownie points, 21 pilots. I barely got anything that you talked about tonight, Saul. What's your writing process like? I don't know, and like, Norm MacDonald's my biggest inspiration,

so just kind of his cadence.

Wow, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well.

Yeah, can I do a bit on Norm?

Can you what?

Yeah, I mean.

What? Like, can I do a bit on Norm Macdonald? Can you do a bit of Norm Macdonald?

Yeah, about him.

About him?

I'd be happy to hear a real joke, right?

Yes, exactly.

Anything.

Anything funny.

Do anything.

Well, you know, they say you're not supposed to say bad things about people that have died, but, you know, Norm Macdonald's my biggest inspiration and I'm probably not as funny as him, but you know, at least I could drive myself.

Saul.

Shit, man.

Christ.

Holy shit, dude.

Saul, how long have you been doing standup?

Not long enough.

Yeah.

Name a number or something. Describe better than that, how long you've been doing standup.

As far as writing, yeah, yeah, like two years.

Okay. How many open mics do you think you go to a week?

Uh, yeah, not enough.

Okay, Saul, you're gone. Get out of here. Goodbye, Saul.

Thank you so much.

There he goes. Like I was saying when Mark Fittnum is up here. Sometimes you get someone a little younger, doesn't quite get the interview process of the show, doesn't have a wealth of life experience to draw from, answers every question with not enough. Great energy though. Unbelievable. He's got that zip you were looking for earlier. Hey, everyone loves living their dreams. That's why this podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this little dinky podcast, it seemed like we had no idea what we were doing.

What?

Open mic? Who's gonna wanna watch that? Who's gonna wanna buy tickets to that when you can watch it on YouTube? When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to-do list keeps growing every day.

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You guys having fun out there?

All right.

Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody. Here comes Ty Marion. Oh, here we go. Ty Marion.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault. Because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex,

you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like, yeah, because we're, like, cool, you know? And I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together.

Another girl I dated, she played super hard to get, and when we finally hooked up, it was at a church. She just laid there and kept staring at me real weird, so I had to put coins over her eyes. Luckily, though, she was Asian, so I only had to use pennies. But if you can't tell, I'm a Jew,

so when I finished, I had to take them back. Thank you.

Wow.

All right.

Ty Marion, welcome.

You've been on this show multiple times before. Joe, Liss, what do you think about Ty?

I think he looks like Rock Turner in disguise.

Yeah, true.

We may have a false bucket pull here that was good that's funny

Ty you've been on this show before this is your first time with a walker yeah

so literally last time I was on the show I talked about how I got hit by a car while I was on a lime scooter and I was like I was fine I was and I told y'all I was gonna limp it off two days later later, I was on a scooter again, this time, no car, just the street, fucking head first straight into the ground.

Really?

Yeah, I broke my arm in a couple spots, tore my patella tendon completely off. It's been six months, and I got six more months to go.

And you landed head first?

No, somehow, I guess something and it locked the wheel and turned it, so I didn't get like thrown off. I was basically catapulted straight into the ground like this sideways. This arm was completely backwards and the knee was like all fucked up.

Can we see the video?

No, unfortunately it didn't have any of the actual incident. I got a shit ton from that shitty ass hospital though.

You got a what?

Shit ton of videos from the shitty hospital that I went to. Why do you have video from the hospital? It was so fucking bad. It's the worst experience you can think of. I get put in not even a room, I get in a hall, big ass sign that says, keep this area clear at all times. And I'm like, I gotta,

this isn't supposed to be me, I think. You know? Like, there's something wrong. Like, I mean, I didn't realize...

Do you talk about this at all in your stand-up comedy?

Yeah, I've been back on the road lately. Since the incident took about three or four months. That was not supposed to be a pun. Fuck you, don't laugh.

But I've been back on the road.

Telling us about the hospital visit. So were there doctors visiting you in the hallway that they put you in?

Okay, so pull the curtain back a little bit. My best friend is one of your producers and was there within 5, 10 minutes of this happening. He had to help the EMS, I mean it starts from the EMS motherfucking lazy people. He had to help pick me up off the fucking ground because these two EMS people there had no idea how to pick up a 6'2", 200-pound guy off the ground with one fucking leg and one arm. And so they finally get me on the thing

after they figured out how to raise it up. And then I get into the ambulance, and then they call me, and they're at the hospital wondering where I'm at, and I'm still in the fucking back of the ambulance sitting at the where I got fucked up. And I'm like, where are y'all at? They're like, we're here. Are you here yet?

And I'm like, no, I'm in the same spot in the EMS.

I'm like, you're at the hospital?

They're like, yeah, traffic's real bad. And I'm like, how long has it been? They're like, 45 minutes. Like, holy fuck. I mean, it was obvious, like, I was fucked up at the moment. And then I get to the hospital, besides putting me in the hall, I never got to leave because I had emergency surgery because I almost lost my leg.

But, I mean, I make a lot of, like, sarcastic jokes about it, but they're very close to about what was real. Like, I almost didn't get an IV bag. It was like a Capri Sun, basically, you know? Like, my insurance is so fucking bad. No gown, Joe's Crab Shack bib, nuts all out. You know?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

This is amazing.

And then for some reason, that fucking hospital, coldest hospital I've ever been in, you know what I mean? And I'm trying to...

You got shrinkage?

Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. In a hospital gown, that sucks.

And I don't know about you guys, but I got a scrubs fetish. So when I see these Latinas walking around, fucking caked up, I'm like, oh.

Oh, yeah.

The problem is I got one arm, you know, so I'm kind of like, what's up, what's up? No sympathy pussy. All my boys, sense this. You're going to get so much sympathy pussy. Six months, two questions.

When? When the fuck does that start? What do I gotta do? Is there a form? Am I doing something wrong? Because I'm ready. I fell on my knee, not my weenie. You know what I mean? Like, what's up?

Yeah. What hospital was it?

Here in Austin, Seton. Fucking, I don't know, this one up here on 38th or something. 39th.

Oh, you work there? Is that my nurse? Was it a seated animal hospital? Yeah, we are getting word that you were taken to an animal hospital. Your insurance is so bad, they took you to the vet. I believe they thought you were some kind of orangutan or something like that.

Makes sense then, yeah. But no, a crazy thing that happened is, and this is true, I do talk about it too, is I honestly felt like I was gonna be molested at the hospital because I had the nurse that was gonna take me to the operating room

was a little five foot, 300 pound Hispanic dude. His name was Juan on his thing, but he crossed it off and he wrote Poppy Chulo. So at first I was like, oh, this might be like a pimp kind of thing. No, that's for sure his Grindr profile name. This fucker kept trying to give me sponge baths.

And I'm like, dude, I'm not that dirty.

Right.

And then they're like,

oh, he's gonna give you the anesthesia.

I'm like, oh, for sure.

I don't want this guy giving me anesthesia. I'm fucking trying to to be fine. No. And then, and then like, I swear it's probably the anesthesia. I felt like he leaned over right before I passed out. And he was like, the safe word is deductible.

I was like, what?

No, no.

Wow.

It's fucking horrible.

Did you get declawed?

What?

You get declawed? Redman, how are you not on the list?

I used a fake name.

No, I figured they would have at least tricked you one time with the pizza and grape soda line, and you'd have been the only person. You'd be the only one to come back from Epstein's Island and complain about false advertiser.

Ty is on fire.

They didn't have any pizza rolls, Hot Pockets, bagel bites, nothing.

Ty Marion, how long were you in that hospital for?

About 24 hours.

24 hours?

What's that in dog years?

Yeah.

I noticed the first time you were on the show, you got robbed and there was, say, you murdered somebody or something like that. The second time, you were in an accident. The third time, you were in an accident. The third time you were in an accident. Like, does it seem like your life,

like, you're not doing great at it? Like, are you literally just saying the N-word, we're walking down the street and shitting on people or something? Like, why is so much negative energy coming to you?

I think because you asked the question, you gotta get it out out there you go you got it out I'm a little while longer take a while yeah your memories wrong the first time I was on I was really fat and I end up singing songs second time I was on I was a little too stoned off an edible third time I talked about killing the guy this is the fourth time I don't like talking about that that was the last time on I don't like that set but But you would have gotten into a scooter accident then. Two days later after that, this happened.

Right.

And everybody's like, oh, did you like your set that much? You just tried to, you know. I'm like, no, it was fine, you know. I feel like I'm maybe taking that extra step trying to get closer to, you know, golden tickets or whatever, you know. But we'll see what people do.

That's how it goes. Um, not handicapped enough for a golden ticket, my friend.

Well, actually, now that you bring that up, the last time I was on, I mentioned that I was autistic, but according to Dr. Hinchcliffe, I guess I'm not retarded enough.

It's okay. No, you're doing good.

Yeah, I mean, I literally, I do have, like, a literal diagnosis of it. It didn't happen until my 30s, so when you go 30-plus years of going, what the fuck is wrong with everybody, and then you find out everybody's thinking the same thing about you, things are a little weird.

I love it.

Ty, do you have... are you in love with somebody? Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

You go... you go on any dates?

Yeah, I date a little bit here and there, but I mean, obviously, since the last six months, I guess, if you didn't hear it, it's not going so well.

Right.

Your fuck leg's broken, right? What? Your fuck leg, the one you really give a thrust with?

It's the one that you do like, you know, you get that like, you get that rhythm going, you know?

It's tough.

A little knee slapper always in a very hairy situation I Figure who better than you time Marion. There you go my favorite a Fun interview time Marion Crushing it in the interview portion, talking about his real life. Take note that when people talk about their real life, it works. It's amazing, right?

All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Angel, everybody. One word name, Angel.

Hi there there folks. My name's Angel. People in the street approach me and they call me autistic. I don't think it's very nice. 90% of the people I meet think I'm autistic. The other 10% just don't talk to me.

I'm very scared to be here tonight, but I'm very proud to be Latino. How many of you here in the audience is, it's fucking Texas. Let me hear it.

Arriba! Arriba!

Yeah, gracias.

Woo!

I grew up for the longest time not knowing dogs got bigger than puppies. I thought all dogs naturally died of parvo. I just didn't know. I grew up with the Latino stepdad and he was great until you know occasionally we just dropped the N-bomb at Walmart like out of nowhere like what's going on

my you can't be saying that in this Walmart specifically where'd you fucking learn that word dad he goes at work well you shouldn't be using it unless we're at Home Depot when we got people behind our back we got the web backs helping us out in case of a race riot, right? Oh God. Um. I'm bad at dating guys. Thank God.

Let's fucking get this over with.

Angel. Jesus Christ, man. Have you ever done this before?

I get really anxious when I'm on stage.

Oh, this is a great job for you then. I thought of it as a way to sort of get me out of my comfort zone, do the hardest thing possible first and then come back and do something easier like welding or something. I think welding might be your calling.

Thank you, Tony.

Okay. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy, Angel? This is my third and a half year doing stand-up comedy. Third and a half year. Let's talk about your work ethic. Yes, sir.

When you say three and a half years,

what, what, what, how hard are you working? So, it wasn't until the second and third year I didn't get to do more than like three mics, or I wasn't able to do more. Before that, I wasn't able to do more than three mics a week. Second year, 2023, 2024, 2025, I was able to like really kick in the high gear here at Austin Creek in the cave really opened up their arms to me

At their midnight mics and I just kind of was able to go like five ten times a week I did eight mics of one night on a Wednesday fucking bomb fucking baller eight times. Yeah, that's my record Tony It might it might not be much

What do you do for work angel sir? I used to be a traveling temp, but recently I settled down two weeks ago to be a technician where I assemble

those emergency lights for police vehicles.

How did you learn how to do that?

Well, they just need Mexicans with good hands to build lights with LEDs. I'm as strong, 60% of the workforce where I work is Latinos.

You 100% Mexican?

No, sir, I'm Chicano, which means I'm half Mexican, half American. My dad's American. My mom is Mexican as fuck.

How many siblings do you have?

Get ready for this. I got nine, counting last year.

Wow. Yep, you're Mexican. Where do you fall in the nine? I am the second oldest of the nine.

I have eight sisters, one older.

Huh?

Sorry.

Keep going. Keep going. I have eight sisters, one older one. Huh? Sorry. I have eight sisters, and as of last year, I have one brother, finally. It took only nine siblings until I got a brother. And it's, can I just say that growing up with eight sisters and all the houses was awful because I could never blame a cumsock on anybody. I can now with a one yearyear-old or a half-year-old.

Wait, what does that mean?

If I had a cum, if there was a cumsock in the hamper, they couldn't blame anyone but me because I'm the only male out of the nine siblings.

But wait, you just said half-year-old. What does that mean? Oh, my youngest brother. He was just born last year. He's not even a year old. Oh, wow. But I can blame it on him in a couple of years, I guess. How old are you, Angel? I'm 26-er. Your mom is still making babies?

No, my dad is.

Oh, OK.

My mom stopped four years ago.

Nice.

Her jersey is hanging in the rafters at a Chi-Chi's in somewhere. Uh, but your dad found a new baby mama, huh? He's had the same one for like the last ten years

and she's just ragged and broken down.

Wow. How many kids does she have?

Uh, one, two, three, four, five, six. I think six kids.

Seis.

Wow.

Yeah, I think six.

Wow.

So your dad's just banging out there.

He won't fucking stop, Tony. My goodness.

Okay, Angel. What are your hobbies?

Oh, I like to boulder. What?

I like to boulder.

Climb.

I like to rock climb.

Okay. Yes, yes, yes.

I like to journal at coffee shops and peep at the fine ladies at the cafe. Oh, I bet they love that. I bet they love you just sitting there staring at them.

Well, typically I'm there at 2 a.m., so they love it.

At the coffee shop?

Yeah, there's a 24-hour coffee shop, Bennu, shout out.

Okay.

Fucking love it there. Just be there at 2 in the morning, check out the babes.

Wow. The babes that come in for coffee at 2 AM. It's mostly dudes.

OK. All right.

Guys, what do we think about Angel, John?

I don't know what to think. But I do think a woman can have a cum sock, like you, because the cum comes out, and then you wipe it.

I'm just saying, like, if you get cum in.

Yeah, he said, one of my sisters is a whore. Yeah, he said one of my sisters is a whore. Yeah. And she's got all the cum inside of her, and that's where the sock came from.

Yeah.

I get that.

Yeah.

I don't.

You could have blamed it on your sister.

Yeah.

I tried so hard. Every year for the first 16 years before I got kicked out.

Did any of your sister's friends want to fuck you?

No.

They were all younger than me. Oh, God. There's eight of them. Yeah, but I'm the oldest, the second oldest. The first oldest was like one of those illegitimate babies from another maybe mama. And so I didn't get to get raised with her.

I didn't meet her till Easter when I was like seven. You didn't meet her till Easter?

When I was seven, yes.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

My family's different. Yeah, a little different. Just one over-

I met everyone. All my family members pretty much early on. I got them all.

Yeah, I have a sister.

I met her day one. Yep, first day. Came out, there she was.

Yep.

Known her ever since.

All together, the first Easter.

The first one we ever had.

Angel, other than having all these siblings, what do you think is the most Latino thing about you?

The most Latino thing about me is my work ethic, actually.

Oh shit, good answer, dude.

Well, here's the thing, like I'm privileged. I'm a born citizen of the United States, but a lot of Latinos who don't come to this country with that privilege have to work their asses off to barely make minimum wage, to break even. They're pretty much working for nothing.

That's me. I'm a starving artist. Up until recently, I haven't had a full-time job. I've been sort of bumming it for the last four years, doing temp jobs at festivals, factories, bodegas, such and such.

You don't strike me as starving or an artist.

Yeah.

I'm kidding, of course.

I don't.

Angel, what do you think the whitest thing about you is? You claim to be half white. Let's hear the whitest thing about Angel. When I spell the, when I spell words like labor, I spell it L-A-B-O-U-R, the British

way.

Whoa. Now, even though you're not black at all, I'm gonna go for it. What do you think the blackest thing about you is, Andrew?

I love fat white women.

Wow, look at that.

Brutal honesty.

That tracks.

When you say you love, yeah, go ahead. But have I ever smidden a white fat woman before?

No. You've never...

I think he means smothered.

I don't want to get smothered.

You've never been with a big white woman? No. Can I be honest to the entire world right now? Yes, you can.

I've actually never been with a woman before.

Wait, what?

Yeah, never.

You're a virgin?

I'm a woman virgin, yes. Are you a woman before? Wait, what? Yeah, never. You're a virgin? I'm a woman virgin, yes.

Are you a man virgin?

No, I'm not a man virgin.

Tell us about this.

Oh!

Was it an accident?

It happened too many times for it to be an accident, guys. Let's talk about it, Angel.

I didn't know it was pansexual until I was in college but at that point you know pansexual means you like all the genders but the only genders that like me were the

fellas and so you make do with what you got right fellas you make do with what you got.

No you make do with what you got. Let's talk about this Angel. Yes sir. So. You make goo with what you got. Got into it. We're into it now with Angel. So when did you realize you were pansexual? Explain to me the difference.

Is that deep dish? What is that?

What does that mean? I don't know what that means.

I'm pretty sure Red Pan's pansexual. You mean get deep?

You're pretty pansexual. I've seen you at a Chicago pizza place.

Frying pansexual. So what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual? Well, bisexual is just your traditional woman or man, nothing in between.

Pansexual is despite the gender or the genitalia, you love them for their personality and who they are. So whether they're male, female, trans male, trans female, non-binary, asexual, such and such. Have you been with trans people before? I have been with transgender people, yes.

But everything that you've been with was born originally with a penis.

Yes, considered AMAB, assigned male at birth.

Wow, I can't believe someone that knows this many genders signed up for this show. This is amazing. Just goes to show that anyone can sign up. The door is wide open here. We give anybody an opportunity. I just learned what a pansexual was today, everybody.

All right.

So, how many different dudes do you think you've been with? Give us a ballpark here.

Do I have to answer that? I'm really ashamed of that answer.

Okay, give us a ballpark here I have to answer that I'm really ashamed of that answer okay give us a ballpark that's exactly what we want solid 40 40 Wow all right turns out he's gay everybody dude you're a gay man and that's all right I want women though I want to meet a woman so what the fuck are you good? You're just gonna buttfuck a woman. I know you're just gonna throw a ball kick backwards hat on her and hit it from behind

What the fuck are you talking about angel?

Tony I really I really do I really want the love of a nice woman to be honest with you guys

What makes you want a woman you You've been with over 40 men. What do you think it is that you're missing out on? Leave him alone. Other than a... Thank you, Red Band. Thank you so much. Oh, you're gonna get fucked, dude. He said he's into fat white dudes, basically. Deep dish fuck, dude. Oh yeah. He's gonna pepperoni your pizza, dude. Oh my, look at this guy. He's getting in his comfort zone. Look how happy he is. All right, so what do you think it is

that a woman has that you want?

Tender, love, and a vagina. You should say pussy, dude.

Hey, the start thing, dude. Wait your turn.

By the way, saying tender first

is the gayest thing you've admitted on the show tonight.

You wanna suck dick? That's cool! Suck dick!

I don't wanna suck dick for the rest of my life. I wanna suck vagina.

I just want a partner.

On Angel's Top 10 Gayest Moments of this interview.

Yes, trying to find my equal.

Somehow, I hooked up with 40 dudes is the second gayest thing you've said

Tender but I gotta say

You haven't lived until you sucked vagina. Yeah. I want to suck vagina so bad I got that heavy clit in your mouth and you're like this is gonna work. Oh, yeah

My god when you said you were ashamed I thought of number, I thought it was gonna be higher or lower.

Yeah, 400 I thought I was getting.

Yeah, 40 is like, that's pretty, that's okay.

I've only been having sex since I was 21. I thought you fucked Harvey Milk. Who's Harvey Milk?

Alright, that's old school.

I'm 26.

So you've been fucking for five years, 40 guys. That's eight guys a year, right? On average, yeah.

But I mean, statistically, you know, there are bouts of-

Statistically, that's almost one a month.

Well, there are bouts of like more than one a month. There is a solid like month

where I don't even remember the number.

Oh my God. Wow.

What is that, blackout month for you?

Is that what- I just had to do something to get the stress out. Was that your closing deal? You're like, buy this car and I'll suck your cock?

Yeah.

Kia?

That's great.

So, are you on the gay dating apps?

Yes.

Yes.

That's a yes. Let me ask you this. You need transgender women, though.

Okay.

That's your favorite kind? Not favorite kind.

I just...

Oh, gee. Okay, that's your favorite kind not favorite kind I just

D-man this is gonna quit the fucking show if he comes back here right now. I'm gonna have a whole new bass player next week. Oh

My god, he's had enough dude are you on 40 dudes and he was like so angel you've been with over 40 dudes you've been with zero women but you want to be with a woman if you were to go on a date with a woman, tell us, what's the first thing you would,

where would you take her, where would you go? Well, first thing is, I wanna, you know, just find a situation. I wanna take her somewhere public where she knows I'm not a threat.

So like,

Perfect.

Like a coffee shop.

Oh my God.

Coffee shop. And then, and then. Come on in, come on in D. We're talking about him trying to hook up with women. You're gonna love this. You're gonna love this D. Put your earphones in D, put them in. We're gonna play some straight music for you

while we interview Angel. Okay, so you're gonna take her to a coffee shop.

Coffee shop.

And then ideally we go bouldering,

which is rock climbing, Tony.

Uh-huh.

And then we end the evening before sunset. We put up the hammock on either Lady Bird Lake or at Barden Springs and we hang out on the hammock together till the sun sets. You do that sometimes? You hang a hammock?

Wow, you's not the most bent your back's ever been.

No, I loved it.

I know you do.

Until it like ripped open in the middle

and I just like fucking hit the ground in my ass. Oh yeah, there it is. And all the cum squirts out everywhere.

Yeah, landed on a dick.

That's funny.

Wow, okay, Angel, this interview is going on way too long, but I have one more, one more unbelievable area to cover here. So let's say you get this lady back to your place, right? You've never been with a woman before. What's your first move that you make on her? If she's like, let's just say she went, she was like, Angel, I want you to do whatever

you want to do with me. I'm just going to let you take over. What do you do?

The first 15 minutes...

Sucker cock.

Yeah.

You just go there. You're just air sucking.

Yeah, look for that cock that's not there.

Just air sucking a cock. All right, now go ahead, Angel.

This is something I believe in. The first 15 minutes, she is just dedicated to the tongue. And it's just, I'm going to put my tongue all over the person's body, from top to bottom.

Whoa, all right.

So much for all that make or not think you're creepy thing. Kisses on the neck, down to the chest. OK. This is down further to the navel.

They have pussies, dude. You got to get down there.

I'm getting there. Yeah. This is 15 minutes. 15 fucking minutes, Angel?

I'm serious.

Nobody wants to tongue kiss you for 15 minutes, dude.

No, I'm tongue kissing them.

No, again, it doesn't matter who's kissing who.

Wait a second, are you a nurse at the hospital on 38th Street?

Are you Poppy Chulo?

We found Poppy Chulo, everybody.

We found Poppy Chulo, everybody. Hold on, don't you grab that fucking mic stand till I tell you to, you son of a bitch. The only person that wants me to kick you off the stage right now is D-Madness.

So here we go.

We're getting to the gold now. So you get down to the vagina, hold the mic down to your hip and face that front, face the audience, face them. Stop looking at me like that Now show us now show us how you would eat a vagina His first time doing this ladies and gentlemen, just pretend like it's there in front of you Pretend like you're pretend like she's in that. No, you don't need to use the mic. That's a dick, dude. That's a dick. That's what you're used to.

Holster that. Holster that dick.

He's still trying to put a dick-shaped thing.

It's in his mouth.

Put that away. Let's say she's in the hammock, hanging in your bedroom at that exact height. Her pussy is right in front of your face. Show us exactly what you would do. Wait, what? He's gonna give it raspberries! He's so Latino, he's giving it raspberries. Oh man. I didn't mean to spit on you, dude. I'm sorry. He accidentally spit on the very tough looking guy in the front row.

You got AIDS now! Oh, you got AIDS! Very good.

Just mouth AIDS, dude. Just mouth AIDS. That's OK.

It's just the spit of 40 dudes come, dude. Oh, only 40, dude? It's not that big of a deal.

Don't be a homophobe.

There's no pussy juice in that, I'll tell you that right now.

You clear that. What was the action that you'd, why would you blow on it like that? I was just being kind of like facetious with you because I didn't want to like be genuine and then you make fun of me for that, or they make fun of me for doing something stupid. But if I really was going to go down on a woman,

I would really just use a lot of my lip and my tongue.

Show us.

Keno, hit the spotlight again.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa, wait, no, no, no face the crowd again. You're there you go. Wait, what are you doing? I'm getting ready Okay. Okay. He's getting ready I'm getting ready to eat some fucking pussy To one pussy eating time. Whoa, wait, after 15 minutes of sensual kissing, you're just going fucking turbo?

She's gonna love it, dude.

She's gonna love it.

Do you know why I can do that? I got the strength in my tongue because I was a musician for 10 years.

I was a tuba player. You were a what?

A tuba player.

How many tubas you suck?

Oh my God. You were a what? A tuba player. How many tubas you suck? Wow. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft.

Oh my God.

The horn players are thinking about retiring now. They're like, God damn it. Why did it have to be a fucking tuba?

You're gonna be associated with this fucking loser.

You're gonna be fucked.

Pfft.

Pfft. Okay, so you ate her pussy, then what are you gonna do? Are you gonna, then what? Make love to her?

Yeah.

Go to the bathroom and throw up?

It's about the genuine connection, guys. You have to talk to the person you're with. So I'd ask her, if she wasn't already like, you know, hot and bothered, I would say, what do you want me to do? But if not, I'm just going to go full insertion.

Oh my God, dude.

Wow.

Wow.

She'll be bothered.

Yeah, yeah.

She'll get a t-shirt that says full insertion.

You can sell a million of them.

Let me ask you this. Does your father, who's made what appears to be about 15 children, does he have any idea that you've been with 40 men or hook up with dudes at all?

Not at all.

Wow.

Come on out, Dad!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Padre!

You have a fat Keebler elf in the back?

Wow.

Wow.

Angel. Incredible. Have you ever kissed a woman?

No.

Oh. Wow. Well, you know what? Only here on Kill Tony do we have a fan base of some of the greatest females that have ever existed. 13, almost 14 year reputation of a segment called Kiss Me, where a young lady from the audience, or an old lady, or if no one else wants to, a gay dude in the crowd, can come up and give this man his first kiss from a female. Is there a lady out there? We have the best fans in the world.

Is there a woman out there willing to give this very gay man his first kiss from a woman?

Is there any black men?

No?

Not a single woman wants to kiss a gay guy?

This is my dilemma.

Is there somebody?

She's kind of raising her hand but it's okay.

You want to?

Come on up here, sweetheart. I don't think her boyfriend wants her to do it. They seem to be arguing about it. Wow, here she comes, everybody. A historical moment in the show's history. As a gay man is about to kiss his first female of his life.

A lot of people are holding back vomit right now. The look in this crowd's faces. Hope's got a big dick. Hope just got a big old fucking hug. This is Kill Tony, where magical moments happen. Angel has been with nothing but men,

and men that are pretending to be a woman.

Whoa.

Wow. Look at the excitement in her face, everybody. She volunteered for this. This is Angel's first female kiss. Do you believe in miracles? Oh, Angel.

Angel's about to throw up. Wow. There you go. Unbelievable. Wow. There she goes. Back to obscurity she goes. Well, he's wearing basketball shorts,

so we could see what kind of... Yeah, I know. It's gonna get hard. We're gonna see it. He

got softer. He did. Angel, you just kissed a woman for the first time. How do you feel? Are you now positive that you're gay?

I am not gay.

Wow.

I am not gay.

He's not gay, everybody. Welcome to my world, Angel. You'll be denying it forever. I'll tell you what. The set, I don't even fucking remember talking about puppies

and Parvo and your stepdad, but the interview was unbelievable. There's a big joke, but go shove it up your ass. Shove it up your ass, Angel. This is hilltop. Oh, there's Heidi.

Woo! Sheesh!

Alright. And obviously, anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. He's waited 24 minutes for this moment.

Ha ha ha!

He's just been waiting, nervous as fuck behind that curtain, no matter what. Make some noise for Luke Aaron, everybody. Here comes Luke.

How are we doing tonight? All right. I'm from Wisconsin, and most people don't know much about Wisconsin other than that we have cheese. And believe it or not, I did work at a cheese factory. I was one of the guys that made sure all the Swiss cheese had holes in it. No, just kidding. I wish that was my job. My job was actually making sure those guys stayed hard.

Thank you. Speaking of hard, being an adult is hard. Like as a kid everything felt like an adventure and now everything just kind of feels like a responsibility. Like I get stressed out even just leaving my house. I'm like am I on time? Did I turn off the oven? Did I pay rent? Phone? Wallet? Keys? Micro-penis? All right, I'm good to go. Now, I'm just kidding. It's actually not that small. The last time I had sex, she said that it was perfect size. Um, at least I think that's what she would have said, but I don't speak squirrel.

Thank you, that's all I got an adorable set Fucking squirrels keeping the cheese fuckers hard. How you doing Luke? I'm doing good. How old are you? I'm 26 26 How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up now for like six or seven months six or seven months. Nice. We're at I've been doing I've been I like kick butt coffee. That was like the first place I ever did it here in Austin. Okay kick butt coffee

Is that open till 2 a.m. Oh, no

well

It's like you're not getting your cock sucked at a coffee shop We'll see ya behind it anything you never know Luke, what do you do for a living?

I I work at a spa in a hotel and resort.

Okay. Yeah. What do you do at the spa?

I serve people food by the pool and then pick up their towels and stuff. Nice.

Yeah.

How long have you been doing that for? I've been doing that since moving here, so I think probably about six months. Okay.

Six months.

What were you doing before that? Before that, I was in South Carolina after graduating college. I've been on before. We were talking about this. I was selling windows and I worked at a restaurant.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Anything changed since the last time you were on the show?

Well, not a ton. So after, I was talking about my girlfriend the last time and we Have been on and off, but we are still together. Okay. Yeah Yeah, I did it

When you say on and off why why are you on and off? Hmm?

We we just have I don't know. I'm bad at relationships We just have a lot of like disagreements and stuff, but we've been working through it.

Like about what? Can you give us an example of a recent disagreement

that you had?

Just anything will do. Anything will do. People will be able to relate to it.

I mean, God, it's, I'm like, I don't know, I'm kind of, I'm kind of controlling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm working on it.

Can you give us an example of exactly what you mean by that?

I mean, her, if she's just like on her phone scrolling or. You say, hey, I say, yeah,, well no, I just build resentment inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my style. Yeah, that's my style.

A lot of insecure dudes agree with you on that.

You're in a real relationship.

Yeah, yeah, enough little things build up until it just boils over and then you say something stupid.

Okay, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? up until it just boils over and then say something stupid. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

I wrote a poem.

Recently?

I wrote a poem pretty recently, probably a few months ago.

You want to say the poem?

I brought it.

Oh wow.

Oh my goodness.

All right, all right.

Oh and then I also have, I also thought of a roast. Tony, has anyone ever told you that you look like Tony Robbins' penis?

Yes.

Ah, all right. Red Band, Red Band, has anyone ever told you that you look like Juanita's penis? 2003. Ah, damn. All right, all right, here we go.

Maybe the poem's better than your roost. All right, here we go, here we go.

All right, my poem is entitled, Sleepless Nights. All right.

Here we go.

Penis. Cock. Willie and Dong. Wiener. Peter, Johnson, and schlong. Must I keep going and prolong? Has there been a man who's done no wrong? Has there been a man who's done no wrong?

You're a loser, you piece of shit. You will never become a surgeon. You will certainly die a virgin." The voices of my bullies rang true. Whatever am I going to do? Whatever am I going to do? I will not die a virgin, I said, within my own head. I must take matters into my own hands.

I would never tell... I would never tell a soul my plans if no one at school was going to fuck me I should get a job maybe one of them will suck me how long

is this fucking poem sided double-sided it is double-sided it is double-sided like It is double-sided. Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor that... ...Timerian's Hospital.

Who knows what's gonna happen? Does he lose his virginity?

Here we go.

It's the juice-stuff part of the poem.

Vagina, pussy, beaver, and ham.

Ham?

Yeah, sure. I had to rhyme it. Work with me, work with me? I had to rhyme it. Alright, work with me, work with me.

I love to suck ham.

Hey, don't make me start this over. Alright, I'm about to. Alright, alright. Beaver and ham. Vajayjay, clitoris, coochie, and clam.

There it is.

I got a job, and the first week went great. I laid low, they trusted me, they took the bait. They asked me, hey, would you be able to work late? I knew having sex was in my fate. I need you to stay late to feed the animals at night. Of course, I said, it would be a delight.

Yes, it's true. The job I got is at a zoo

Once everyone oh Jesus fucking Christ. I gotta get you out of here

Getting anywhere. It's going so this is not a fucking poem dude. This is a fucking story that rhymes. Why did you write?

Why why it was I was I was trying to make people laugh

Yeah, You hear that? Alright, finish it.

The poem is better than the stand-up. It is. It is better than that.

Alright, alright. Once everyone finally left the park, I felt like Noah in his ark. I was hard as a rock and ready to come. I knew it was my time to get some. I knew I would lose my virginity soon.

Come on.

I knew I would lose my virginity soon. It didn't take long till I was fucking a baboon. I went to the penguins and got some head. I didn't care that one of them was dead.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. I waited till they were sleeping, then gave them a cream pie.

The flamingos and ducks in their flock got ravaged by my throbbing cock.

I stretched out an ostrich. I got coitus from a tortoise. I got dirty with the birdies. I got funky with the monkeys. All the animals in sight, they didn't put up much of a fight. I wanted to take on more, bigger and better. I wanted the sexiest animal of them all. I thought it would satisfy.

But now I sit on my bed and cry. Oh, did I think I was smart, but I will never be able to forget that hippos fart

Much fucking longer. That's it. That's it. Jesus. Hey, right

I love okay. I think it back. I love it. There's a part two

great

Next time next time next time here you go. Here's the smallest joke book I could find Oh

right at Joe's cock.

What happened?

I got hit in the head.

He deflected it at the Joe's cock.

All right, there he goes. Luke Aaron, everybody.

We'll kick it out to you later on, dude.

I don't know where it is.

Up your ass.

Luke Aaron. Good job, Luke. Poem's too long. Can you imagine him doing that for like five more minutes? Yeah, it was crazy. All right. But the crowd loved it.

Go to Barnes & Noble.

You guys were wrong.

You know that, right? All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Casey Connor, everybody. Go to Barnes and Noble. You guys were wrong. You know that, right?

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Casey Connor, everybody. Make some noise for Casey Connor.

How's it going, Austin?

Hi, James.

It has become problematic for me to take showers alone again recently. And that is because I listen to hip-hop in the shower, and I do not censor myself when Wu-Tang comes on. Thank you. But recently, Kanye was on my speaker. I was washing my armpits, and I just felt a little strange

when I was listening to Kanye, so I had to skip the song. I'm sure you guys know which song it was. But after I skipped that song, Puff Daddy and the Family came on, and it was, uh, Fittin' to Get Loose. And I don't know if you guys know this,

but the first, like, 20 to 30 seconds of that song is Puff Daddy just breathing heavy, like.

Fff, fff, fff, fff, fff, fff.

And I'm washing my asshole. And Fitna Get Loose is on, and I just prayed that I was the only one in there. But I realized it's very easy to become racist and gay by listening to hip-hop. Jesus Christ.

Casey Connor everybody. Welcome, welcome. Casey have you been on this show before? I have not. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Okay sweet. Where at? Miami, Florida. Where? Miami. Nice. OK. Tell us about your life, Casey.

Army veteran. I just moved to Austin about three weeks ago. I came here to do this, to get better and perform. And Austin is the city to improve.

Hell yeah. Have you been doing a lot of the mics and whatnot?

I have not. I just got hired as a manager at a place. It's a non-alcoholic bar called Tulum Botanicals.

A non-alcoholic bar?

Yeah.

So is there business there?

Yeah, surprisingly. It's all plant-based. It's Kava, Kratom, Texas's, yeah.

Kratom Texas's yeah somebody knows it Wow okay so people are kind of getting like doped up but not on alcohol right right right did

they tip well there uh not that I've seen I've only worked two days so far right okay what branch did you serve in the army I was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne out of Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

Nice.

So you, did you jump out of a lot of planes?

I had about 25, 26 jumps before I got kicked out.

Wow, that's about half as many dudes as angels hooked up with. Why did they kick you out?

Cocaine.

Wow.

I'm from Florida.

Right, exactly. Do you still do cocaine?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Not tonight.

How often do you think you do cocaine?

A couple times a month.

Alright. What usually sets it off? What makes you, do you like wake up kind of itching for it? Or is it when things are rough or when you're having a great day?

Purely recreational, just for fun. Like, if I want to go out on the weekend, I'm like, we're going out, let's get a bag.

Have you gotten a bag since coming to Austin, Texas?

Say again?

Have you gotten a bag since coming to Austin, Texas? I got a bump from a guy at the 456 bar who has a picture with you. 456 bar? 456?

It's a...

East?

Yeah, East Austin.

It's that cool little like Irish pub type of place?

Yeah, it's got a bunch of dead animals on the inside.

Yep, yep. Well, every bar has dead animals on the inside. Oh, they all do. Yeah, you're not in Miami. It's a lot like Florida Keys where I grew up.

Nice.

Okay.

Casey, craziest thing about your life that's ever happened to you?

I don't know if it's crazy anymore and everybody always says it, but my parents are dead.

Ooh, how did your parents die? Uh, my mom is a Miami girl, and she died from drinking and drug use and just...

Ah!

Awesome. How about dad?

Dad survived Vietnam being in the cocaine cowboys, drug use, drinking, and had a stroke.

Ah!

Aw.

Mom wins this battle.

Yeah, she does. Mom mom died sooner I love it

all right Casey well yes keep writing and performing and get around do it get out there Casey Connor we're gonna keep it moving with our final bucket full of the night everybody we are coming around the. This looks like a brand new name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Simply Courtney, everybody. It's Simply Courtney.

Oh, man.

Y'all know how hard it is to drive Uber when you're a big black dude named Courtney? People don't believe it's my car. I had a lady once go, are you sure this is your car? You know, you hear a joke and you think she's playing, but she's like... And because I'm a comic, I'm all like, nah, we stole this motherfucker together.

Let's go. Happy Black History Month, by the way.

Yeah.

All right.

So anyways, I'm recently taking a tolerance break from weed. Um, I don't hate weed. I just don't like the things that I do when I'm on it. Like, I'll go to my son's basketball game and cheer for the wrong team. I also do stupid things like forget I'm driving Uber. Have a passenger in the backseat just terrified.

I'm like, I'm about to have a roommate. I think that's about it y'all, thank you.

A fantastic set from Simply Courtney. Welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

I love it. Where are you from?

I'm from Austin. I'm from Austin, Texas. Let me make a little more noise for Austin, Texas.

Amazing.

One of the locals in the building, baby.

I love it. How long you been doing standup?

13 years, dog.

13 years, and we're just meeting you now for the first time. Incredible. My fault. We've been here for half a decade. Why are we just meeting you now, Courtney?

Hey, you know, I sign up every once in a while. On Mondays, I normally hang out with my daughter. I'm teaching her to drive right now. And so that's what I'm normally doing Monday nights. And so I'm skipping hanging out with his children. God damn it. Incredible.

Happy Black History Month.

Oh, you jerk.

You have some.

How old are your kids?

My daughter's 17 and my son, you ready for this, 15 years old, six foot four. He's taller than me.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is your daughter's birthday?

Pfft.

Oh my God.

No, hold on. I'm scared on why I want to, I don't want to answer that.

Yeah, don't answer.

September 19th, I'm proud of, I'm not telling you the year though. She's illegal, god damn it.

That's damn right. Absolutely. What do you do for work, Courtney? Just drive Uber?

Straight up comedy, no. I suck at Uber. Nice. I'm better at telling jokes than I am at doing Uber. So I make all of my money from comedy and comedy adventures. So run an open mic, run a few shows around town, and I perform.

Perfect.

That's it, yeah.

Hell, yeah. What do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy or raising your kids?

What do I do for fun? I read, and then I also, oh, listen to music right now. That's my big thing. So I'm... Why y'all laughing at that? That ain't funny. No, it's funny for you if you want to laugh. But no, I listen to music. I'm discovering a lot of oldies right now. I do a little thing at the radio station, 88.7. I know I'm not supposed to shout out everything, but that's what I do Wednesdays.

That's what you people do. And so I'm one of the... What is it? It's true. That's why they're laughing. Oh! Shout out to my mom.

No, I'm joking.

I had to before you set it up for him.

But no, I'm listening to new music right now. So I'm going back. I'm listening to Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson's Off the Wall album. And then I'm also listening to Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson's Off the Wall album.

And oh, Prince, Purple, not the Purple Rain album though, but it's another one. So there's another album. I'm going through all of these new ones right now.

Oh, you noticed that noise.

I'm light-skinned and Tony, so I notice it, okay?

That's right.

I'm tall and I'm light-skinned and black,

so I actually do change the smoke to take the second beat.

Okay? You could just reach up and touch it. That part, that part, that part. I love it. Are you still with the baby mama of your 17? No, we're divorced. We're divorced.

OK.

But we are friendly enough that I'm actually staying there tonight.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, I take the kids to school on Tuesdays, Thursday mornings. And so sometimes, instead of me having to come in early in the morning, I just come in after I do comedy Yeah, so we are amicable. Hell yeah. You're what? Amicable. We're amicable. Amicable? Yeah, I mean, we're nice.

We're civil.

Is that the wrong word? Yeah, it's the wrong word. No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Time out. Time out.

What word should I have said then?

Give me it.

Amicable. Oh my god. Did you know what I meant, though? Yeah, we got it. OK, then we good, then. I'm cool. I'm cool, then. Oxi-hot. People be like, oh, what is that? I was like, do you know what I meant, though?

OK?

You know there's not a girl in the car. I didn't steal the car, right? Got you. It was a joke. Little context. We good. Watch, hard as shit right now by accident. I'm not trying to steal your watch, but it is nice, though. Oh, thank you.

You need an Uber driver later?

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

I'll walk home.

Thank you.

OK.

He's staying in San Antonio, and he's walking because he's terrified.

Oh, you're staying in San Antonio?

What part? Wherever you think I'm staying to go I'm going to San Marcos. I'm already halfway there I've done that too though by the way you talked about rooting for the wrong team for your kids basketball

Yeah, I get high too and I go and I go that's a nice play by the other team and people get upset with me

But fuck that you know I'm listen. I'm one of those if somebody does good. I like the sport That's what I do and I'll be like good play and we'll be like, good play. And everybody all looking at me like, why would you say that? I'm like, what the fuck did I say? Oh, my bad.

Down by 40?

Yeah.

Jesus. It happens. My son's a freshman on varsity, and they're figuring it out. He was like one of two freshmen on varsity, and they got their butts handed to him. But guess what? in the year after that, so we chillin'. All right, love it. I'm cheering, I'm a black dad that's cheering. I'm cheering, goddammit, we losing.

If we lose about 40, I'm still cheering, so we good.

To the other team.

I'm cheering for everybody at this point, yeah. Other team, my team.

You have a 17-year-old daughter. Has she brought any dates back? Has she introduced you to any young boyfriends? She just had a date for Valentine's Day, it just happened, and so, uh, he's chill. He's a cool dude. Blackhead?

Black, black. Blacker than me. Black is almost as black as this damn shirt.

How does that make you feel when she brings home someone blacker than you?

What are you trying to do?

Honest, honest.

What is he trying to do?

Honest dancer.

Honest dancer. I don't feel any type of way because her mom is currently dating a guy that's the same color. So I feel like they're dating a dude that's the same hue. I meant to say hue, not color. Now you in my head. It's amicable, okay, dammit. I tried. Amicable, alright. Okay, decent. Oh! But no, I don't feel any type of way about it, though. I don't feel any type of way. I think it's dope.

The fact that she has somebody that loves her just as much as I love her is dope as fuck for me, so I'm good.

Amazing.

Listen to this.

Gorgeous.

Very impressive set.