KT #761 (HOUSTON) - ADAM RAY + KIM CONGDON

Who's ready for the best f***ing night of their lives?

The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to Wrestlemania.

Tony Triple H. Have you seen these auditions?

Hey! Hey! Tony!

Last year I became the most must-hear ringster of all time.

Okay, it's comedy you're looking for. I don't like to brag.

Gotta be a part of the show. I've got to do a party show. Let me show you what I can do.

Is this thing even on?

A priest and a rabbi walks into a bar.

I didn't really mean everything I said that night.

This is going to be insane.

This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony. Saturday, April 18th. Tickets on sale now. Hey, this is Ratback coming to you live from the Smart Financial Center here in Houston, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some fucking noise for Brian Redman, everybody! Oh my god, how about one more time for the best damn band in all of Sugarland!

The great Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, fucking Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, John Dees, and that right there is the great D-Madness, everybody. Matt Muehling on the electric. We got everything in place. This is very, very exciting. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all time. Very hard. 80 degrees and sunny, you can't beat it. Tonight's guests, two of my favorite human beings in the world, two of the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time.

Very hard, very hard to book this show on a Saturday night when everybody that touches the show is a sellout theater act. But I did the Lord's work for you as I present to you, multiple time over, without a doubt, arguably, statistically,

the greatest guest in Kill Tony history, and the first ever regular in Kill Tony history, tonight's guests, ladies and gentlemen, are Adam Ray and Kim Cogden.

Oh yeah.

Live in the flesh, you name it. The man who gets promoted by Dr. Phil, Jeremy. Uh, what's her name?

Elaine!

So many characters I forget sometimes. Wow. And the great Kim Congdon, everybody.

There she is.

Currently being stalked by many men.

Yeah, so I'm here tonight.

I have a gun.

She's got a gun, she's got a new dog. Everything's happening. And ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, multiple time guest of the year, Adam Ray is here.

Great to be here. Thanks for having me. Houston, let's go. Houston, home of Hakeem Olajuwon and fucking, I don't know, fat sex? I don't know. Yeah. A lot of it. Queso? Yeah. I looked up fun facts on the airplane about Houston and it said you guys eat out more than any other city in the world. So, yep. This guy, that's not what I was talking about. I mean, I like fast food, but for sure. Yeah. Yeah, right here, later, hopefully in the Uber.

Hell yeah. blacks in Houston, but I heard they don't eat out at all. That's not what I was talking about, but yeah, for sure.

They probably are.

LTMPO is here. How many LTMPO fans do we have out there?

LTMPO.

Gosh darn it. The home of the Colorado. You guys ever been to the Colorado before? It's a fun place. All right. You guys know how this show works, everybody. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry. Is there a gay part of Houston? They all said it at once. What is it? Montrose!

Montrose! Hell yeah.

You gotta wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry Montrose bear! Oh yeah, that's a big gay bear.

A little southern twang on it too.

Hell yeah.

Oh my goodness. The first name has been pulled. And this is a very special show because since we have been in Texas for over five years now, we have accumulated many great golden ticket winners from the city of Houston, Texas. And tonight, while we go wrangle our first bucket pool, starting off the show with a brand new minute for us is one of our elite golden ticket winners from Houston, Texas

He got his golden ticket. I believe when he was 21 years old since then he has worked as Bucky himself out of Bucky's make some noise starting tonight's show Houston's own Enrique Chacon Tariqa Tricone. ♪♪

Oh! Oh!

Houston, Texas, how the fuck we feeling tonight?

Man.

This is looking like a racist Lakewood church, bro. What the fuck? I heard that ICE is killing white people now, man. What's up with that?

You're telling me I can't even hide inside a Lulu Levin

anymore?

My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league. So I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue. So 2019, fuck it, bro. I rescued 34 cats, bro.

Fuck it.

Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty. That's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat, too, man.

Anyways, I have an Australian cattle dog, a blue heeler

at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply.

I tell them I have a blue Heeler, and they're like, oh, my granddaddy had a blue Heeler. That's a very intelligent dog. That's a very hardworking dog.

We have a beautiful moment, and suddenly they remember that their granddaddy wouldn't like him talking to me,

and that's the end of the conversation. Thank you.

Enrique Chacon. Tony Hinchcliffe. Hi buddy. How are you my friend? How does it feel? This is the biggest crowd you've ever performed in front of in Houston, Texas. Yes it is bro. It's looking pretty fucking beautiful. Southwest alien Texas in the house. Southwest. Wow. What's the Southwest of Houston like, exactly?

Southwest Houston, it's a beautiful place where everybody says the N-word no matter

what ethnicity you are.

Oh, perfect.

That's why whenever I moved to like Austin or started doing comedy, I had to like train myself. Every time I wanted to say the N-word, I would snap a rubber band, you know, on my leg or something. snap a rubber band you know on my leg or something but yeah that's my fucking

that's my hood man that's where I grew up and yeah I love it I don't know all

the different areas that well I know I was able to convince red band to do this show because I said it's in sugar land and he's like oh I'm ready to go that's

close to candy land I'm not fucking mad at that bro my fat ass we're gonna turn

sugar land into a caramel bro what's's up? Oh my goodness Enrique Why are you so fat tell us what you eat exactly?

Well, you know a lot of straight guys see pussy Tony. That's what I do, you know

That's not what's making you fat

What are you putting on are you putting a whip cream on it or something or cream cheese or cottage cheese? What is... Nothing, you know... Protein powder?

Duck eggs, chicken eggs, bro. We cook everything with lard, dude.

This is a fucking normal thing.

Dude, I eat chocolate candy eggs, the fucking Cadbury eggs, dude. I got fucking eggs and ham, dude.

But you know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony, is Bissonette, bro. You gotta go to Bissonette. Houston people don't y'all fucking agree?

What is that?

Bissonette is the best neighborhood in Houston, Texas.

Why?

Y'all have to explain. And if you're stuck in traffic in Bissonette you might as well get your dick sucked you know? It's uh.

I will see you guys after the show.

I'm gonna go to Southwest. I'm going to go between Bissonette and Southwest Houston so that I can say the N-word while getting my dick sucked.

That is the American dream. Sounds like a beautiful plan, Tony.

I love it.

Enrique.

Such a fun set.

Ice, white people, Lululemon. I love it.

So...

That ice shit got me terrified, Tony. Really?

Yeah, it really does, dude. Because I have something called the DACA status, which means that I'm a celebrity immigrant. You know, there's only 2,500 of us, man.

I don't think you should be saying this.

Fuck it. You know, I'm prepared for the consequences, man. That's why I'm trying to camouflage myself. I don't even drink Modelo's anymore in public, Tony. Perfect. I'm drinking Bush Light, bro. Like some of these River Oaks white guys, bro.

What the fuck?

Hell yeah.

I love it. Are there any other white things that you're

doing to try to hide out?

You know, I'm reciting the 10 amendments, Tony.

The 10 amendments?

Sicily.

Can you list them?

One of those is the right to eat it's one of them to dress like you look like you work at the Olive Garden

Waiter bro, what the fuck was I thinking bro? You look like you squeal when someone hugs you

You are absolutely adorable Enrique and you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and likeability

from Houston, Texas Enrique and you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and likeability. Good job.

You are from Houston, Texas.

Thank you, Houston!

And we got it started. I fucking love you, Houston! There are a lot of Houston local comedians that have been dying for us to make the two or three hour trip up here, and now it begins. They get 60 seconds and then I conduct an interview with them, anything can happen. Sometimes people get a little bit shy in front of such a big group of people. So I'm gonna try my hardest to find out crazy shit about your first bucket pool.

Doing an uninterrupted set goes by the name of Max Wissinger, everybody. Here comes Max Wissinger to get the bucket started tonight.

So I was making out with my girlfriend last week.

Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I can't keep a girlfriend, alright? Because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten free.

I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like, someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any. Apple fritter? Straight to the shitter. Being gluten free is so depressing, the only time I even think about using a toaster is when I'm taking a bath. Guys, come on. My

therapist said I need an outlet

thank you Max Wissinger welcome Max jokes about being useful how old are you

Max I'm 27 I don't even have chest hair yet it Prove it. Me neither, I'm 41. How long you been doing stand up? So, one and a half years, but my first time was on this show like three, four years ago, yeah, at Vulcan.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. You made the drive down to Austin.

You live in Houston? I did. I'm in Houston now, yes. What do you do for work? I'm a product developer for supplements.

Wow, what kind of supplements?

The ones that make you healthier that RFK Jr. likes.

Well, it doesn't look like you're taking any of them so far. It looks like you're taking the drugs that make you age backwards. It's a new Benjamin Buttons compound. You need to eat more fruit by the foot. It's a kid's snack, that's what I mean by that. You look five.

Yeah, I think they accidentally gave you estrogen. Right. Yeah, people call me RF Gay Jr. Yes. Aww. Which parent? Uh, what's the best supplement? I don't know what to ask you. What's the, uh...

You don't have to ask him anything, remember?

Tony, take it away.

Thank you.

One of the funniest running jokes in the history of the show. If you look back, you can make a 45 minute long compilation of me looking at Adam going... While he asks the people questions.

That's why I wear a costume so it doesn't hurt his back.

Max, tell us, what's been going on in life since the last time you were on this show?

Well, girls have been hitting on me lately.

With their cars.

You know, I think girls are so dangerous when they drive because they're too busy trying to look hot And like I saw this one chick going a hundred on the freeway putting on mascara swerving all over the road I

Mean hey at least you died a bad bitch I

See what you did there you snuck in a little joke. Comics unleashed. Yeah, exactly. Well, Tony, funny you should ask. These women be driving crazy. Dude, you're perfect for

cruises. Yeah. Yeah. Do you do that when you hang out with your friends? Is that how you pitch bids? They're just like, dude, traffic was nuts today. You're like yeah, and then you just turn and face a different wall and go Let me tell you about the 405 Everyone's like dude over here

Yeah jokes I like it what have you been on dates you have a girlfriend No not right now no don't when's the last time you hooked up with the chick what's that like?

Oh, what playground did you go to exactly?

I think it was No, I can't say that one? Oh, what playground did you go to exactly? I?

Think it was no, I can't say that one. Yeah, you can

Almost give the ocean of a playground. No, I was like the Children's Museum, but that's what

That's why I didn't say it

Okay, so but seriously last time you were with a woman or boy or whatever you're into It was uh last year. Yeah into last year. So what happened then? What was that? Was that just a random hookup? Is this a little duty call? For some reason that's funny when you ask like a Youthful 27 year old. No, it was my ex-ex girlfriend, yeah.

Yeah, in Florida, yeah.

Oh, you.

I was living in Florida for two years.

What made you move to Florida?

My job, yeah. I was living in a retirement community. The weather was great. It was in the 70s, just like the people.

Yep, I saw that one coming.

Are we on a hidden camera show right now? The way you're launching into bits is amazing impractical no jokers I was like I can't just get freaking roasted the whole time. I got a good. Yeah, I like it You're on the on the aggression. You're doing perfect max max. What's your ethnicity? What is a Wissinger? I'm about to go into another bit Well, if you if you say that beforehand, it's very hard to do. I'm half Mexican and I'm half German

Uh-huh. Go ahead. My Mexican half likes to cook spicy

Your other half likes to cook Jews. No Hey, did I accidentally write a better joke than you had? Yeah. It's okay. This round goes to Tony. What was yours?

I like to...

My German half... Okay, so my Mexican half likes to cook spicy. My German half likes to turn that bathroom into a gas chamber.

Yep, you should take my...

Yeah.

Do it my way.

What the fuck was...

That was the most un-Hocaust noise I've ever heard

That's the sound of what happens when your blood stops flowing

You did

All right here you go max there you go buddy bing-bong Good job. That's whistling sure has begun the bucket portion of the show. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. There goes Max, everybody. Luckily, too far away for Adam's favorite handshakes over here. Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ almighty. The thoughts that go through my head when Heidi's on stage. It's unbelievable. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's hotter here.

The old Houston butter cakes. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? It's real. It's real. This podcast is sponsored by Tecoviz. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots.

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All right.

Let's see what happens here.

We're going to meet Jake.

Put your hands together for Jake, everybody. Jake McFarlane, here he comes. Hey Sugarland! I just want to start this by saying, I'm five years sober and clean.

From white pussy.

Yeah, wasn't a hard choice, white pussy tastes like nickels. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's February, baby! Yeah, not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February, and as a black man, I, uh... I'm just gonna tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it. Yeah.

I've been eating black pussy.

Yeah.

And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago, and I was down there in them thick thighs, you know how it is, and I was down there doing my thing, you know? Hey, but I was running out of air quick, all right? I come up for air, I go, oh, she grabs me by the back of the head and goes, no, reparations, bitch. I was like, oh, motherfucker. Yeah. I, um ‑‑

All right. He's gone his full length of time. Hi Colin. How are you? When you're eating puss Are you just making noises inside of a pussy? Grab that mic. I'm making a lot of noise. Yeah, I thought it was her gun She was holding it to my head, that's true. Yeah, are you really eating black pussy? Every chance I get I mean I'm telling you when I get done with this. I'm sure there's gonna be a line of them.

So, you know, I'm looking forward to that.

I have a question.

Yeah, go ahead.

If white pussy tastes like nickels, what does black pussy taste like?

Uh, like cocoa butter and... original wings.

Follow up question.

Hi, Adam Ray from comedy.

I think I recognize you.

Thank you. And a very good ratatat to you.

What about Asian or Jewish pussy?

I think if you like Asian women, you're secretly gay. And I don't know, let's play a game I'll pull up a bunch of trannies from Asia and then just regular Asian women and we'll find out who's hot and who's not all right let's do it come on I'm just saying I think we know what's gonna happen your boyfriend's gonna look gay

okay so scan on that red circle for me there is this where the anvil is the anvil for looney tunes all right you're cool let me ask you something Jake where are you meeting these black women whose pussy or anywhere I can but like give us an example of where it's actually hi man I do a lot of so like I'm a black comedian okay why do you keep saying that I am I'm a black comedian I I was banned from all white comedy rooms until like six months ago. Why?

Ginger I am a ginger

Man you really want to know now we're all right

Jake I'm asking you dude. Yes. I really want to know we're on a live show I don't know if you know that there's 7,000 people out there Jake I do really want to know the answer to the question that the host of the show just asked you stand in the middle of The red circle Jake I'll keep it real. I'll keep your I'm a state right here I got the middle of the red circle middle. There you go. Just't know. I'm not that black. I honestly, I pulled a gun on a guy.

OK, tell us more about that, Jake.

Yeah, OK. So I was at a comedy show. It was a black comedy show. Y'all don't have those in Austin. But in Houston, it's when you go to a place and everyone's black.

You know what I mean?

Just pure 100% It's when you go to a place and everyone's Lack you know I mean just yep sure we all lived in it We all did comedy in LA for a couple decades. You know right okay, so you do okay, right, okay? Yes, and I was about to leave but one of my buddies who had went on the show He actually didn't get on the show he got snuffed by another comedian. He started crying He got a little drunk threw threw a fit, walked out. And I was like, well, fuck him, right? But then I thought, you know what?

I better smooth it over with the host. So I walk up to the host, but I left my keys in my truck because we're out in the parking lot at this time. By the way, I want to preface this by saying I was at Carrington's. If you know what Carrington's is, that's the hood. Jesus fucking Christ. That's the fucking hood.

Come on, get to the point of the story, Jake.

Anyway, my bad, my bad. I'm wasting time, wasting time.

This story better end with a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat.

A different kind, yeah, okay.

So...

Get to the fucking story, Jake. Do you really want to know? Do you really want me to be honest about what happened? Alright, here we go. Come on.

So I was out in the parking lot talking with the comedian and the host and another comedian started talking shit and I told him that he's being disrespectful and he said, what are you going to do about it? And I said, take them glasses off. And he walked around his car and I said, are we fighting or what? And he said, no, I'm just going to shoot your ass. I'm just going to kill your ass.

This is the hood.

This is the streets.

It was a black guy?

It was a black guy. Right.

Which is crazy, because when I pulled a gun on him and told him to take his hands out of the trunk after he popped the trunk to grab a gun, he closed the trunk. Damn. They don't like it when black people get their guns pulled on them, I guess.

Your story takes forever.

This is like how hard it is for a woman to cum.

Thank you!

It's incredible.

Thank you, ladies.

Wow.

The moral of the story is...

There's a moral?

Alright, go ahead. I put my gun back in the trunk after he... er, the car after he closed the trunk, and he said he's calling the police.

So I was like, okay, well, fuckin' Jesus, I thought I was black, but, you know, apparently he's not.

This thing where you keep calling yourself black.

I'm ginger, what are you talking about? I'm light-skinneded.

Why do you keep saying that? I got black, hey I could call, man, I could call my black friends right now.

Do you say the word? No, no, I don't say the word.

Then you're not black.

No, no.

What do you do for work? I'm a handyman.

You're a handyman? Yep. What exactly do you specialize in? Woodwork and stuff like that. that? Maybe you are black because they would work if they could work. See what I did there? It doesn't make sense. My black friends call me Jigaboo Jake. Since you're so black, guess what? You're leaving with a little black joke book. Jake McFarlane, everybody. Oh, can't catch. Not black.

Not black.

Not black.

Not black.

All right, here to clean the slate. Oh, my goodness gracious. That's right. Since it's a road show, the great Valerie Vaughn is here, everybody. Put your hands together for Valerie. She attends and works with us on every single non-Austin

and sometimes in Austin, but always on the road show. We have another Houston Golden Ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe it? Make some noise for him. Here with a brand new minute, It's Colin Sledge, everybody.

You know him. A brand new minute from Houston's own Colin Sledge.

OK, thank you. You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth because we're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us ten fingers, so we're supposed to be finger-blasting like all the time. Okay. I always tell girls, you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time.

But I always tell them, just to be safe, you should pee during sex. I'm into that, hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex.

And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. It's just with myself in the mirror. Not in like a narcissistic way, I just like to pretend I'm getting cucked by my evil twin.

Wow. Colin Sledge in front of the hometown crowd. That is what every comedian hopes to do. Amazing Colin. Fucking hilarious as always. Thank you What do you think your parents think about that set? They've seen it before probably Tell us what part of Houston are you'm from Northwest Houston by the Heights. Ooh, Northwest Houston. Say the N-word there, you might get in trouble.

Yes.

It's different than Southwest.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I feel like I would get in trouble anywhere if I said it.

No, yeah, you definitely would.

White people would beat you up if you said it.

Yeah.

Colin, tell us about your experiences here in Houston, Texas. What else might people know you from? Did you ever have jobs here?

Well, I used to work at the Galleria.

What did you do at the Galleria?

I worked at Express. Express Galleria. Go ahead, write down whatever you're trying to do. He's got nothing. And then I worked at Willowbrook. It's like further northwest. It's kind of ghetto. They moved me over there.

They didn't like that. Worked for Lex Wexner, who was on the Epstein files.

Oh yes, yes. He was, he was, I never met him personally, but he did exploit my labor. Amazing.

Can't believe he didn't show up to one of his many locations in Willowbrook.

Yeah, Willowbrook, like, there would be like stabbings every week in Willowbrook. And we would be like the only store that didn't even close

Right because white people need their skinny jeans. Exactly. Well, I

Love it Colin what else is going on in life?

I went shooting with Hans Kim and dusty and sportsman's finest and stuff is how was that? It was fun There everyone was very nice Especially when I had a gun. I never shot a fully automatic weapon before, and they just gave me an energy drink. And they were like, you're our friend, right?

Welcome to Texas.

I love it.

I think they're hooking Kim up with a gun maybe at some point.

They are.

Yeah. And I have one already some point. They are. Yeah. And I have one already.

Yes, she already has one.

If there's any stalkers out there watching or listening to the show.

I'm also a victim of that because it used to be if you search creepy kill Tony guy I would come up.

To be honest I'm on edge right now and when he came out I was like whoa but you look like a nice stalker like you just stroke someone's cheek or something yeah I would Ruth be

a girl but I would just hold her hand the whole time

yeah you look like when you eat black push you'd blow on it instead of going Too hot yeah cool it down Jesus So this hot pussy call in his mouth like an airplane

Have you ever been with a black woman call no oh geez She come though

Everybody thought we had one ready

Wow, why do you think you've never been with a black woman all the time here in Houston a large populace of those people?

It was...

I wasn't always good looking. I used to be... yeah.

Oh my God, men are so confident.

I mean, when he first got on the show, his hair looked different. Ever since he's been dating this girl, look at this hair he has right now.

Yeah, she started taking care of me. I'm like a stray cat

How else is your girlfriend changed you is there anything else you've been trimming your pubes and whatnot

No, she prefers that. I don't do that. Ooh

Is there any other changes that she's made to you though Girls like a neat place, you know, people used to say, uh, girls like a neat place, you know, gotta be a very clean. And since I've had a girl, my, my place has never been messier in my entire life. So yeah, they leave their stuff. You're saying, so I used to be very organized and now I'm not so much, right. But it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah, I think so, on balance. You get to dump loads. Well, vasectomy hasn't happened yet, but it's on the way. The what?

The vasectomy.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm working on it. So I tried to, you know, I talked to the doctor and he didn't want to do it on me because I didn't have kids, And so I said, I'll go visit my niece in Honduras. My brother had a baby. And then I'll come back. If I still want a vasectomy, will you give it to me?

And he said, yes. And then I did that. And then I came back and I called him and he retired. So I'm sort of back to square one. But it's in the works.

Call me insane, but I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a vasectomy. Like, you could just find a different doctor.

You could do it in Red Band's VR world.

I'll do it for you.

I love it.

Do you do drugs?

I just take weed gummies.

You look like you sell mushrooms to Scooby and the Gang.

That is true.

That's my girlfriend's influence on me.

Colin, you were absolutely hilarious tonight.

Great job.

Congratulations. Hometown crowd in front of your parents, you did it. We're getting back to the bucket. One more time for Colin's lunch, everybody. And back to it we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is Brandon Brown.

We're going to meet Brandon Brown all together now.

Put your hands together for Brandon, everybody.

These people wait their whole lives for a moment like this.

Holy shit. Brown all together now put your hands together for Brandon everybody these people wait their whole lives for a moment like this.

Holy shit we're doing it. Mr. Henschliff I gotta tell you I'm a big-ass fan you too Adam Ray. Me and my wife we're such big fans of Kill Tony that we roleplay Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes like I'll be hitting it from the back and I'm like, oh yeah, we're really doing it baby, we're really doing it. And then sometimes I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony. I'm like, oh yeah, we're really doing it baby but my favorite people who

come on kill Tony are the Asians right so sometimes I'll be back there going oh yeah we're really doing it baby right oh man but it goes both ways right so um sometimes because she's like I want to be Tony. I'm like, all right, you can be Tony. So I'll be eating her pussy, right? And then she'll go, we've done this 1,000 times. You still can't hit the fucking buttons right?

Like, what the fuck? I've known you for 10 fucking years, and you still can't get it fucking right? Everybody, I'm Brandon Brown, and that's my time. We really doing it, baby!

Look at this guy. Are you pointing at your girl out there?

Yes.

Where's she at?

Hey, we pay big money, we're right in the front row.

I love it. I love it. How do you get big money? What do you do for work, Brandon Brown?

I'm an insurance broker

I love it. Amazing. How long you been doing that for? I've done it for about four years now. You are one of the buffest insurance brokers I've ever seen before. It's incredible

Thank you. Do you repo insurance what's going on?

Now I say you gonna get some protection for your fucking family or what? Yes, sometimes it works

You look like Rogan if you stop doing the podcast

That's a compliment I appreciate it is man tired Rogan do

You really do?

We're really doing it baby. Have you?

So you how long did you practice that set a lot?

I came up with that at 3.43 this morning.

No one's gonna dispute that.

I was so excited. I was actually, so what's funny is I knew you were gonna be here. We have a little connection you and I.

Oh go ahead.

Now you have a stalker.

No, no, no. So me and the wife's been to a couple of your shows, yeah, and You know, so when you're doing dr. Phil, we'd come see at dr. Phil. We loved you and I appreciate it and I Sent you a Facebook message late one night. Hi as fuck sure and I try to respond to everybody I get back to you So because me and my girl were like I was like, I wonder if we can get married on Dr. Phil. And you and I went back and forth in a shit ton of messages and then my Facebook got hacked. And I could never get a hold of you again.

And like, we were, like you were just like, I'm ordained, like yeah, let's do this shit.

Yeah, look it up, Brandon Brown in your phone. I'll take your word for it player but uh don't tell me how to live my life after you dry hump the fucking stage. No that's enough no stop it you're gonna have nightmares.

Uh wait so but you guys got married? Yes we did without you.

Where'd you get married at? Um we did at the port house. Oh okay yeah yeah absolutely yeah and. And how many times have you beaten your wife since you got married?

Um, you know, it depends when the trend starts to kick in. I don't really remember, but you know.

What does she do for a living?

She is a nurse.

Okay, you guys have kids? No, we do not. Are you finishing inside of her?

Every time. inside of her? Oh every time I got a I got bad back so I got a weak ass pool game like when I did this like there's a reason why God didn't make me black.

How many times do you make her meow in bed? Oh I'm very good at that. Yeah very

yeah. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom in real life? Are you usually on bottom because of your bad back? No um, man, she's gonna kick my ass

for I'm saying this.

No, these are the good parts.

These are the good parts.

So I got very extremely lucky, and I got hurt in Afghanistan. I took an armored plate to the left side of the dick bag. Hell yeah. So like, my dick gets hard, and like I can go forever

because I have limited feeling, right? Oh yeah. So yeah I normally just go till she gets tired and I'm like woohoo. Sometimes I hit her with a yippee but that's only when I'm Tony. That's incredible. Do you finish? Do you come? Yeah I still come. How do you come if you don't have feeling? Yeah it's only on like the left side like my dick has feeling but like I have like half the feeling that I had before So like I go three times longer. The question was what's your favorite TV show? Yeah

I don't know how we got on this tangent. Dr. Phil live. I love it. So Afghanistan That was a you what was it? You rolled over a I we got hit by an IED

Yeah, oh my god that you rolled over an IED? We got hit by an IED. Wow! Yeah!

Oh my God.

Okay, can you take us through that? What was that like? Was it traumatizing for you?

Not for me. A lot of people have different experiences in the military. I was very lucky. We were more on the attack side of things. So, we went out every day we're part of an EOD group and like it's just like who's gonna get blown up

today we'd laugh about it as long as nobody died like it was just fun it was

just work I miss it we love you we love you for your service thank you that's goddamn right greatest country on planet Earth

Amazing any other crazy stories from from being on the other side of the planet. Oh, yeah, so my favorite is right This made me think of you too. I did this at about 402 after I came up my bit So I said they're like what the fuck am I gonna tell you know, Tony? Well there I was like, mr Hinchcliffe dr. I call him Tone? Like that one guy, I'm like, I, so like, I've been playing around when I'm just gonna sit with Tony.

The question was, what's your favorite food?

Yeah, I'm getting around to it, right? So we would deal with a lot of people who blew their self up being on an EOD team, and I had the magic ability, I would always find the dick. walking around looking for body parts and shit? I have that ability too. It's okay for you to find dick. It's weird when I find dick. Yeah. Okay, we're very antsy on this one. I thought you'd like that you know. That's probably something we have in common.

So give us an example of you know when people get blown up. Yes I find a lot of dicks. Do you do what I do when you find it and immediately just oh yeah I picked it up with two sticks and I chase people

around with ah you touch them your game I love that

amazing Brandon Brown well so much fun congratulations you got to do it thank you right in the heart of the show. Here's a big joke book, man. You fucking did it, dude. Another drop. The Houston droppers are legit here. Houston can't catch a fucking cold. It's amazing. Okay, your next bucket pull live in Houston Texas goes by the name of Mackenzie Jewell, everybody. Here we go. Mackenzie Jewel. Put your hands

together for Mackenzie, everybody.

Hey gang! I'm gay and autistic, so technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out. You know what I mean? I'm bisexual, that kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay. You know?

Because when you're bi that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick. I be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like damn bitch this pussy giving me a sensory overload right now. I'm in a hole, I'm like so when you store large files do you use Dropbox or OneDrive? You know. I'm in a hole. I'm like, so when you story large files, do you use Dropbox or OneDrive?

You know, I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling because I always just want to pay attention to the movie, you know

I'm like, babe. Stop sucking my dick. This is the scene where Michael Keaton becomes the founder. Cool. Amazing set.

Mackenzie Jewell with a breakout performance.

Welcome Mackenzie.

You're hilarious.

How long have you been doing stand up?

I'm coming up on my third year April.

Fuck yeah. All of it here in Houston? Yes sir. I love it. What part of town do you live in? I'm over in West

Chase right now, but I was on the show before and I mentioned I grew up in the Faux Faux Acres Homes.

Okay. Okay. You're like if Mike Jones sucked on bones.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Amazing. That's one of my favorite, you know, there's a lot of gay autistic comedians, but you came out with energy act outs. You've kept everybody's attention Thank you guns a-blazin absolutely incredible question for you. Are you the new blippy? Who's blippy? That's what I asked myself just about a one Gen Z, but I don't you know, I'm reformed from tick-tock, you know

It's not autistic

How old are you Mackenzie? I am 23 23 years old. What are the kids up to nowadays? I mean other than fucking anything that moves All the ones I know just just hang out and are sad and open mics and shit What's the most what do you think is the most autistic thing about you what's like your specialty? Everybody has a thing some are good at chess some some are good at numbers, this, that, and the next. Honestly, I feel like I got fucked on the autism thing. I feel like I'm just like depressed, lazy, autistic, like.

What are the superpowers you were hoping to obtain?

I don't know. Being able to just have like one of those cool library brains that just knows a bunch of shit. You know, I fried my brains on drugs, but I'm better now.

What kind of drugs?

I was hella into coke.

Really?

Yeah, Adderall.

I did DMT on stage one time. Well, that's cute.

Yeah.

But the coke, I can't imagine. I've never seen like a nerdy coke head before.

Just, yeah, you know, and I was, and I wasn't cool.

What were you doing?

You would get drunk with your pals or whatever?

Yeah, just doing open mics for three people and shit.

Wow.

Mackenzie, I swear to God, when you came out, I thought you were a woman.

Yeah.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'm still not sure.

Can I, I actually, I lived as a woman for a year.

I could tell.

Let's cut to a clip.

That's not a joke either. Yeah, no, I believe it. She actually made a couple Netflix specials. That's Hannah Gadsby, everybody. Live, in the flesh. Incredible.

So tell us about living as a woman for a year. By the way, I feel like this is every 23-year-old in the country right now. We're all going to die.

Oh, the McChickens and shit got the fucking estrogen, you know?

You got the estrogen?

From the McChickens.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Quit trying to fix that. Give her some time.

RFK. RFK joining us in The McChicken Report. Yeah, but no, I just, I had pink hair. I worked at a comic book store. I was the happiest I ever was, actually. When you were a woman. Tell us what you were doing to be a woman, though. You were putting on a dress, were you? Yeah. Hot Topic clearance sales. You were working at Hot Topic no no but I would buy from Hot Topic a lot what would you what would you buy exactly skirts and shit and cute

little frog shirts and shit did you go by Mackenzie yeah yeah it's a cool thing gender-neutral name you know can we see your tits now that you're not a girl no red band red band you can't do that, because that's harassment. When you ask somebody that's sharing things with us to show us their tits, whether it's a boy or a girl, that's disrespectful.

And it's unacceptable in today's normal society. Can we see your tits?

Yeah.

Whoa, look at those.

He's still a man, everybody. He kept the dude tits. No double scars for this guy.

What pulled you out of it? Uh you know I started taking edibles and I just was on an edible and I had this ego death that was insane and I was like wow I'm kind of ugly as a woman. That's amazing. I wish we could send that exact clip to every fucking half gay kid around the world right now. Oh, no classroom!

Yeah, no, it's good, it's good. We keep an open mind, but at the same time it's just contaminating everybody. Tell us, how do you think you were led down that path? You have liberal parents?

Uh, I mean, they kind of let me run for-. Yeah, yeah, you know, I was homeschooled.

Ah, yeah.

I never got, I never went to high school, but I have a diploma that says certified improv badass. So that's something.

Your parents made that for you?

No, I did two years of improv for it, you know.

Wow, that's the gayest thing about you.

Yeah.

Amazing. So what's your preference at the end of the day? You think you're 50-50 dudes and girls? Like what kind of guy are you? 75-25? I honestly. What about pets? Pets. What do you mean with pets? You into animals. Not into like sexually? No. Because you're giving off ferret vibes. Yeah. I'm a meret vibes yeah I'm a meerkat I'm a meerkat AI told me I'm a meerkat oh my god he now identifies as a meerkat yeah okay let's go back to the question where we at 50 50 50 50 honestly my track record is mostly women but

I have probably fooled around with two guys and I've had one boyfriend. Ooh, tell us. First of all, let's give credit to the loud what the fuck from the Houston man. Rob sounded like he drives a truck for a living.

Let's put a spotlight on Harry Homophobe up there in the third balcony.

He made it all the way through until Mackenzie goes, I had one boyfriend.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

Better not have been in my neighborhood.

I mean, you can fuck him and all, but Jesus Christ, saying you're in a fucking relationship,

that is fucked.

You keep that tism dick and that female haircut out of my cul-de-sac. That's my Burger King.

What the fuck?

I'm gonna have to drive to Southwest Houston just scream the n-word in a

field after this. You were a woman and the gayest thing you said is that you had a boyfriend. Yeah

tell us about his boyfriend. He actually came on the show one time his name is Jackson Namy. Nobody cares about that tell us about your boyfriend. That was him. It was fine. It was okay. I have a girlfriend now. I like it better. The first time... Tell us why you like it better. Um well, something softer about women. It almost seems like that's what your biology wants. Yeah, right. Wow. Wow, turns out we're all natural human animals. My goodness gracious.

You almost said the first dick you ever, and then I cut you off.

Let's go back to that.

The first dick I ever sucked was black.

Ooh.

Wasn't that with Judy Blume Book? First dick? Sorry.

It was that ginger guy

Yeah, tell us about this black dick you sucked how exactly does that happen and were you just bullied and he forced it into your face

You know, I thought cuz he had like magic the gathering cards the dick would be like kind of like not we're playing magic with A black guy. No Johnson I just thought cuz he had I just thought cuz he had the cards he would be like it wouldn't be that but it was big and I didn't do it good probably when you say you didn't do it good probably what

exactly do you mean sir holger what the fuck? i'm gonna go get another drink before this f***ing answers that question give me a mike's hard lemonade i don't care if he's hard i ain't gay

can't even twist a tweet tweez twinks twi what? twisted t's are called tweeeze, maybe Twink, Joke, whatever. Okay, stick with me over here. When you say you probably didn't do a good job, what exactly do you mean? I just feel like I remember like half-assing it. Yeah, like it was toothy, like probably.

Ooh, ratatoothy over here. Amazing. Toothy probably means here Amazing toothy probably means If you think your teeth might be hitting it Oh to see was the name of the black Toothy Jenkins wide receiver University, Alabama number 34 toothy Jenkins loud receiver amazing amazing stuff McKenzie you are doing such a fucking good job great answers great interview great set red

band McKenzie if you're ever in Austin I'll have you on the secret show hell yeah you're booked on a Thursday in Austin. The gay guy caught it. The first local to catch a joke book tonight was a bisexual 23 year old. Let the record show. That guy will catch any type of...any type of... Thank you so much. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, everybody? Are they not... Every time shit gets a little too gay up here, we bring them up here to remind us all what we're into. Right after you're done picturing a boy giving a toothy blowjob to a fat black cock, Heidi and Val are here to remind us all that we're straight. Here we are, two bucket pools, and now I present to you yet another boy born and raised

on the outskirts of Houston, Texas. You know him very well. While never officially being a golden ticket winner or a regular, he became famous for being funny offstage and then starting comedy on Kill Tony and then growing non-stop

and now he's to the point where he's headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own Uncle Lazer! City of syrup, Scrooge D. Texas!

How we feeling today? God damn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best say hello to that goddamn rodeo, those Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeo is them big fat black women in them goddamn jeans and jean shorts just throwing ass to our lord and savior George Strait. You ain't lived till you seen somebody pop

their pussy to Amarillo by morning, I tell you what. And you got them cataphoric tortoise, them big ass category four tortoise walking around in them airbrushed shirts. Says R.I.P. Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog looking for a god damn slice of brisket.

I pissed drunk out there last night, shacked up with this creature, you know. I said, where you from, baby? She said, I'm from the Bayou Louisiana Bayou I said fucking Buffalo Bayou that's where you're from you're from fucking but there I am in the back of a Ford Focus okay gutting that pig

and fucking lot C alright and she goes baby you gonna make this pussy fart? I said, dude, what? He said, you gonna make this pussy fart? I said, keep your fucking voice down. Keep your voice down. I said, what are you asking me? She goes, you gonna make this pussy shit?

I text my mom. I said, hey, I'm at the Houston Live Sharks on Rodeo, I need you to come get me real quick. You're gonna have to come get me. Hey, security man, you ever made a pussy fart? Strong and silent type, I like that.

Saxophone, you ever made that pussy fart? What that sound like?

Beep beep.

No, that ain't it. that ain't it that ain't it did you need to see a doctor that ain't it Michael Gonzalez you ever made a pussy fart what that sound like boy Michael Gonzalez ladies and gentlemen my name is Uncle Lazer y'all been great

Uncle Lazer I don't even know where to begin with that manic wild set but it was very very awesome great stuff tell the people watching the podcast around the world what you're talking about about the Houston Rodeo which is an annual super weekend that just so happens to be right

now. You know you know got Indians, Mexicans, blacks, white, pretending like country, dressing up, pretending to know what they're doing during the rodeo. It's fun, man. You get pissed drunk at the Astrodome. You can buy the art. It's great, man.

The art?

Like the little elementary kids draw art shit. You can bid on it.

I bought a horse there last year Wow you got the place running wild right now baby the what the fuck guys enjoying himself right now Wow so see you're hooking up with a big girl and she said can't make this pussy fought she's she's Louisiana occasion but like they speak their own language. So like that means fucker so hard that a bunch of air gets in there? Yeah so it's like the proper

knowing clature is queef. Right. And fellas if you ain't never had it happen to you while you was inside it's gonna startle you at first. It feels like when you put two magnets together and and push you away

And I told her why she what the fuck was that and she goes that's my pussy leaving you a review I said bitch. I said bitch. I hope you fucking crash in the Brazos River when you go home

Wow absolutely incredible I hope you fucking crash in the Brazos River when you go home. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

It is unsettling when a woman does that. Yeah, it's just, I had a girl go, you did this to me.

Yeah, well, but listen, this is a one rule of thumb. When it, if it smells, she actually farted.

You hear me?

Yeah.

That's a dead giveaway every time.

Yeah, no doubt about it I'm interested to hear what the other horn players might think a pussy fart sounds like we only got the saxophone what else do we have anything from you guys is there another pussy fart noise that you guys can can muster up okay you know I need that sweet sweet trombone down there That smells gonna hit about five seconds after that one That's the old regular old thought

fat

Amazing so this beautiful beast from Louisiana that you made love to That's the old regular old thought. Fought. Amazing. So this beautiful beast from Louisiana that you made love to, how does an event like that end for you? You just, you get her an Uber, like where, this took place in a car?

In her Ford Focus, it was in a Ford Focus.

Oh yeah.

The primary vehicle of most Louisiana people.

Ballin' on a budget, You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So you're in the backseat of the Ford Focus? We had to lay the front seats down and it, I mean, it was getting hot and heavy, which is heavy, you know. At one point I tried to lift her up, I mean my fucking leg was going numb. I put my hand up on the window like Titanic, you know what I'm saying, in the back of the seat. So, yeah, I miss home, you know, and...

That's Houston for you.

That's it, man. I actually lost my virginity about six minutes down the road in a little trailer, like in Colonia down there.

Wow.

Richmond, Rosenburg, a little, yeah.

Tell us about that.

Tell us, what was your age and which relative was it?

I was I was I was 12 and holy shit the Mexican girl was 14 the black dude was 16 wait hold on a

second there was guest stars in this was Mackenzie Jewel sucking his cock while this was happening well it was the black guy

getting a toothy blowjob in the corner? He's like, yeah, make that pussy five.

Come on, laser. So, like, I stole my mama's Jeep. I stole my mama's Jeep, drank Gherki, and we drove down to there. We got in the window, and he's like, I'm gonna let you go first. He's a gentleman.

And, uh, and I've turned around this big beautiful black man just naked but just a foot of dick on him you know look like when you take them fucking shitty pictures of your kids out of your wallet and unravels it was and he's like let me show you how it's done and they start fucking and I'm just sitting there like you know I know what to do. And in them trailer houses, you know, they're kind of flimsy, you know,

and he'd fucking up against a wall and they fell through that little plywood wall shit into her Thea's room.

Oh my God.

And then she starts hollering in a language I don't understand and then fucking, we jump out a window and I get so nervous, I actually just rolled my mama's Jeep off in the ditch and Cop came and shit. My mama took me home. They took the black dude. Joe Turner. He was actually 47 So that called everybody I made that part up goddammit. I made that part up

It's true. There are no real black pedophiles a little fun fact You'll never see a black pedophile and also a fun, black people do not sneeze. I don't know if you guys know this, but it's a real thing. John D, can you confirm this? Have you ever sneezed before?

I just did. I've actually never seen him really sneeze.

Yeah, he's joking, but have you ever really sneezed?

Yes.

Shut the fuck up.

I know black people can't have Down syndrome either. That's a fact. That's a fact that's you get sickle cell, but you can't get the retardation stuff That's a fact god damn it anyway. I missed home

The only the only kind of downs black people get our first downs on the football field am I correct everybody Mike correct Toothy Jenkins, University of Alabama. Uncle Lazer, to watch you grow set after set on this show is an anomaly. It's incredible. In his hometown, six minutes away from where he lost his virginity in a trailer with a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old black man, one more time for Uncle Lazer, everybody.

That's from Swanky Who's Gang!

Back to the bucket we go. And your next bucketful goes by the name of Kyle Clinton, everybody. Kyle Clinton. Oh my goodness. How about a hand for Heidi as well? Chimney Crickets. That's a real act. She works out every week. Here's Kyle Clinton, everybody.

Woo! My big brother recently told me he got a vasectomy. And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from Eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banged my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus I had a big brother, like six cousins.

My family had some real stiff competition. Growing up in Kentucky, sometimes people think I was brought up Baptist, but I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a crystal Methodist.

Thank you everybody, I'm Kyle Clinton.

Kyle motherfucking Clinton has done it again. Always funny, love your delivery, love everything about you.

How you feeling, Kyle?

I feel fantastic.

Thank you, everybody.

Sugar Land.

Sugar Land.

Sugar Land.

Have you been here before to Sugar Land?

I have. I saw Chris Rock in here.

I saw Jay Leno in here. Love it amazing is this is Houston where you're from yeah, I grew up in Eastern, Kentucky, but I live here now

I live what made you choose Houston

work

Perfect but now fun. Yeah, what do you do for work? I well I was managing shopping centers and right now. I'm substitute teaching Okay, what shopping centers were you managing at the time perhaps woodlands or something? Well, that's what it was called. Most of them were in small towns

I worked for a guy whose family owned a chain of department stores in this area and throughout, Texas Claire's

wieners

What's wieners wieners I know some people out there familiar not saying that you're making me hard. What is that place? It's where everybody got their school clothes growing up apparently. Really? Yeah. You guys got your school clothes at a place called Weiner's?

Right now that guy up there's like what the fuck?

Rite Aid wasn't open.

Wow, I just thought they started selling kids wieners recently. Society. Media. Propaganda. It's a whole thing. Kyle, I loved your bisectomy joke. Did you really do crystal meth?

Yes, I'm 13 years not doing it, but yes. How did you end up starting? Explain to me, I've always been curious.

How does one start doing crystal meth?

Being very distracted Where I'm not start, okay, can you give me a man what you mean? Well thinking about other things? having to cram for a test and then taking adderall and Then advancing whenever I did not have Adderall.

Right.

Because crystal meth can fill in for Adderall. For those of you that are running a little low on Adderall, just remember. To substitute.

Yeah.

Isn't it crystal meth though? Like, you see shit, like, ride the snake and shit like that.

If you take enough Adderall, you'll see shit. But tell us about it. Okay.

Um, yeah. Adderall, you'll see shit. But tell us about it. OK.

from Wieners? Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. Searching through the carpet naked looking for more maybe?

Ooh. Why? 3 a.m. Why naked? Because porn's on. Oh, okay. What kind of porn you watching on Crystal Meth? Anything crazy? What's the wildest porn you've ever watched?

That's a great question.

Penguin porn?

Straight porn. Interracial porn.

Right.

Getting warmer.

Now say the truth.

Clowns and midgets.

You know, I hate to say this. This might not hit unless you're up close. You do look like the clown from It on his day off.

I'll take it. Thank you.

Facially.

Perfect. Perfect. I get told I look like a lot of people. Somebody said I look like Charlie Kirk this week.

Oh.

Not great.

Not great.

Not great, yeah.

Not great. Not great. Not great. Yeah. Not great. I got Mr. Bean. I was like, wow, middle schooler knows Mr. Bean. That's I was impressed. Yeah. What do you substitute teaching exactly? Everything. All grades. You the guy that like a video. Sometimes we

watched a video. Yeah. But sometimes you try to go with the current

program I try yeah you ever throw on some interracial porn just to see what they know never just make it small talk I was called mr. Epstein this week that

was also not great not great yeah but I was surprised they knew who that is. What did you have to do to get that moniker?

Yeah. BAKIN' SAUDA!

There you go.

Do you fire back?

I did not.

Oh, you had a word you could've used.

I did.

Depending on what part of Houston you were in, yeah. So when they call you, so what were you, why did that kid call you a pussy ass bitch? Did he, was there context to that situation?

He said I disrespected him after I told him that, I said, I said, this is an A B conversation. You can see your way that way.

Wow.

Black people hate the alphabet.

Yeah, he's like, he's like, I'm gonna stay in it.

And I was like, hey, come over here and tell the coach what you said

We try to rat him out. Are you tattled you fucking pussy? I really are you really are a pussy ass bitch. Yeah

You like say it to his face

Cuz I'm too big of a pussy to say it. That's right. No cap.

You are patient, but I would like to see you or hear about you snapping on one of the kids. Because I feel like there's, for every patient, sweet, affable dude, there's a streak of rage.

Oh, certainly.

It feels like it's building up within you. You seem like the kind of guy, you might be the first ever teacher that is the school shooter. Oh, God. I think it's only a matter of time. No, it would be a first for those of you keeping track. No teachers, almost 85% trans people nowadays are the shooters.

So it could be, the odds are higher

that it would be Mackenzie Jewell than Kyle Clinton.

Now I have an intercom. I have to get louder than them. I have to get my voice above theirs so they can hear me.

But I can't, yeah, do anything.

They're like, shut up, pussy.

The kid that called you Mr. Epstein, did it make the class laugh because your real name is Mr. Clinton? I'm starting to make that connection in my head right

now.

Is that what it was? Ah, Mr. Clinton. Wow. Look at that. Those kids are smart. That guy wasn't even president when those kids were born. Okay, you had a great set, Kyle. We absolutely love you. Here's a big joke book.

Boom.

Woo!

We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun out there? How about the upper balcony? Are you guys having fun? Ooh la la. Whoa. My goodness gracious. All right. Onward we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucketful. It is Nunzio Gianni, everybody. Nunzio. Ooh, a little pop, a How we doing tonight, UCEDD?

Awesome. My name is Nunzio Gianni.

I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday. So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami. I know the strippers are amazing.

I love them, too. I'm fairly young. I'm a freshman. I'm a sophomore. I'm a sophomore. Coming from Miami for my birthday, so I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami I know the strippers are amazing. I love them, too I'm fairly young I moved to Miami when I was 16 Dating was actually really hard 16 and 18 early 20s because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me

But I guess I got a taste and some strippers and hoes so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian my ethnicity is kind of hard to pick when I come to Texas I'm either nervous guys. This is my first time. Fuck.

Alright, I'm gonna cut you off there. Nunzio Gianni. This is the first time Kill Tony has had its own halftime show everybody. How exciting to have an illiterate Puerto Rican up here responsible for entertaining us.

Absolutely amazing Nunzio.

He's worse funny.

Bad funny. Okay Nunzio, did you prepare for this at all?

You know I did about a year ago I wrote a minute we were supposed to come for my birthday.

But I didn't review so.

You didn't review.

Puerto Ricans are lazy.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

That set was garbage.

It was.

It was certainly garbage.

Okay.

Nunzio, let's at least try to salvage this in the interview portion.

How old are you?

I'll be 22 next week.

Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a mortgage broker a mortgage broker Jesus Is that what you wanted to do?

No, but I do want to do it now

I kind of find myself into it and I do really like it because I genuinely do have the opportunity to help people

So you're into it? Yeah. Yeah amazing. We're doing the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles. It's a 16,000 seat venue in LA in May at the Netflix is a joke fest. You said Intuit. It made me think of the wild success that I got by not being a mortgage broker and chasing my dreams.

Right.

Amazing.

So, you seem like a decent looking guy, right? What's your love life like?

A little difficult.

You know, I'm really busy with work a lot of the time.

But, um...

Whoa, guys, come on. You guys think I'm not laying some puss?

Give me a break.

Oh, my God.

Laying some puss? You guys don't think I'm laying puss over here, huh?

I'll tell you. Look, look, I'll tell you honestly Miami's a tough place to genuinely find somebody that you like. What are you talking about? It's literally like it's always hot like it's like everyone's like humid and they're pulling out their pussy all the time. Yeah, you can see it's women. Oh no, I love it. It's great for me to have a good time but in terms of... But you're trying to settle down. No, I would appreciate a girl to like kick it with, you know what I mean?

But you can't find one.

Miami's tough.

Okay, you just keep saying Miami's tough. Well, especially for me, guys. I moved to Miami when I was 16, so... Where did you move to Miami from? I'm trying to save you here. If you just focus on me. Pretend like it's just me and you in the room. But don't be gay about it. Alright.

Okay.

So where are you trying to find good women at in Miami? Where are you going to try to find them? Or what are you doing? Are you on the apps?

No, I don't like the apps. No.

Usually, usually at strip clubs.

Just focus over here. Focus over here. Oh, you're trying to find a good girl at a strip club? Well, you know, sometimes you can find a good one. Have you ever found a good one at a strip club? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. My, my, my mom actually works in a lot of the major clubs in... Your mom works at major strip clubs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does your mom do at the strip clubs? Um, well, she does not strip, I want to make that clear. She's a VIP host.

The crowd was hoping for that to be your one redeeming fact.

Yeah. Everybody wanted her to be like a 35-year-old stripper that shoots ping pong balls out of her ass or something.

No, she's fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah. I just made the what the fuck guy come in his pants. All right, there's got to be a saving grace here, Nunzio Gianni. I'm trying to save you here. Give us one fun fact about you or your entire life that will win over the entire crowd here in Houston, Texas. There has to be something that you've done, some accomplishment, something. He's looking to his family like this is the Price is Right. He's looking for advice in section 101 here.

I grew up in a funeral home. Oh you grew up in a funeral home?

Okay, how did you grow up in a funeral home? Tell us about that. It was my great-grandfather's funeral home and then it became my mother's. She handled it for the most part. Your mom was

working at a funeral home and strip club home yeah yeah yeah did you have a dad in your life um you know I did it was a kind of difficult but yeah I did have a dad what do you mean it was difficult we I was split between two households so yeah let's check in with Hall of Famer Adam right here. I'm gonna see what's going on in your head.

Yeah, this is not great, what's happening. But, you know, you're staying in the pocket. I gotta give you some credit. You're not like, you know, crying or turning and running out through the curtains. So it is tough to be up here. What the people of Boomingoat realize is it is tough to walk out here and even fucking cry. Yeah, yeah. Sure. it's tough to walk out here and even fucking cry. So, you know, but this has been pretty bad. But, but you got to, you miss a hundred percent

of the shots you don't take. Can we, can we ask Harry Homophobe

what he thinks up there in the third balcony?

Hey, the, the, the what the fuck guy? What do you think about Nunzio Gianni? Only, only that guy and everyone else guy. And everyone else be quiet. Everyone else be quiet. And here we go.

All right.

Well, OK.

A bunch of people tried. We knew that was going to happen. Turns out a lot of guys have an opinion about you. Let's check in with Kim Congdon here.

Well, I just really noticed something. And maybe I could give a little piece of advice. You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican, but you're like, the energy you're giving is like Cokehead frat bro. Like I think you need to lean into more who you are. Like what's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about you?

What is the most, well let's start with Puerto Rican here. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about you?

You don't recycle.

You didn't work on a joke for a year.

I like to dance.

Okay, you know what, Michael, Michael and the horns, give us a little Puerto Rican something here.

Not that much.

Come on, one, two, three, four. Oh, there it is. Hey, that's what they're good at everybody. There you go, that's good, that's good. Alright, stop. That's enough, it's unbearable.

Oh shit, that's good, that's good, alright, stop. That's enough, it's unbearable. Oh shit, there's ice.

Okay, I'm getting you out of here. Nunzio Gianni, here's a little joke book. Oof, right off the chest.

Thank you, Houston.

I mean, if you're gonna boo, you might as well boo. There you go, get it out of your systems. The good news is, this is working out, the flow of this show is working out perfectly because coming off of, oh my god, Valerie Vaughn, like I said, every time someone struggles, there's always something there to clean up the mess. And this is working out great, after every golden ticket winner or regular or whatever

we've had so far, someone does good, and then someone does bad, and then I always have something to clean up the mess. This is another one of those situations. Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian won a golden ticket live in an arena on Netflix on New Year's Eve. She is with us here tonight an absolute sensation. Make some noise for one of the newest stars of Kill Tony. This is the Houston debut of Young everyone

what's up Houston And we just finished the Black History Month.

Fuck Black History Month. Fuck Asian Heritage Month too.

Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question.

You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race?

Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question, too. Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, Pacific, Islander. In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders.

Thank you.

Boom.

Another exact minute from young. Very funny. Great stuff. It is true. You guys keep your bread line pure. Very. Remind us how long have you been in

America? Since 2012. Okay. Is there anything that surprised you about all the white people that you saw all of a

sudden? I think white people are very good at being functional drug addict.

Yeah, I snorted cocaine for 10 years and I'm helping people. I

Snorted cocaine for 10 years and I'm helping people with the health care

That was pretty good

It's like RFK jr. And're like P.F. Chang's Jr. I think I met you at the Rub and Tug about six days ago. I love it. Too soon. I love you Adam. Can I please get on Dr. Theo Live?

There you go. Yeah, sure. She wants to be on Dr. Theo live. Oh yeah.

Dr. Theo.

Dr. Theo. Young, so your introduction to all different types of cultures was here in America. Because in China there really is basically just Chinese people. After meeting black people, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

I've done a lot of black things. I was trying to save up for a Dodge Challenger.

Oh my god.

That is tonight's Doritos joke of the night.

No, uh, I was uh, actually I aborted a half black baby. That was pretty bad.

You did?

Yeah, yeah. Rest in peace, Laquisha.

Oh god damn it.

If I kept her she'll look like King Condon

That is true. That is amazing. Oh

Goodness, I'm just kidding. I never had an abortion My mom did though. My mom had three abortions before me. Wow, let's go to a clip

Don't have it. We don't have it. Why did your mom have three abortions before you? Uh, she just hated my dad

Were they boys? Why did your mom have three abortions before you? She just hated my dad.

Were they boys?

No, it's the opposite in China, right, Ben? They abort the girls.

Not anymore.

Not anymore?

Now they need girls, now they have too many boys.

Right. Yeah. It backfired. These stuff. I love it. Now, one thing that we've learned about you, Young, because you've had a lot of appearances since you became a golden ticket winner on New Year's Eve, is that you're a very sneaky roaster. You make fun of people.

Has anyone ever roasted you?

I mean, I get attacked online all the time. People, you know, trying to say shit online all the time. But I don't take it personally. But one time, in this country, it's hard to survive. And one day, my mom called me. She's like, why are you here?

You're struggling. And she said

Nobody's gonna help you nobody's you'll never find anyone that will truly love you in this country and

That kind of hurt. I'll help you. Oh

Red has been stalking me online. Like, he follows all my social media. Like, I see him popping on my TikTok suggested account.

Yeah, well, your name is his type of girl.

Only fans.

Yeah.

You went from bread line to the bread line.

Yeah, I'm not concerned. I think Red Band's, like, his face is getting dark. I was concerned that his wife is being slowly poisoning him because...

Could be. A lot of late night home cooked burrata cheese.

Gives me a lot of pills.

No, she's gonna play the sound effect at his funeral. Cha-ching!

Mommy! Cha-ching!

Only you can say that. I got in trouble for saying that once. Yeah. Cha-ching! Met you at the mothership a few times, but very funny to see you live great job This is your first time in Houston

It's I happen to know for a fact you had your first time ever at a Bucky's on the way here

Yeah, what did you think about Bucky's? Well everything is bigger and better in Texas

Brandering. What?

Okay, Puerto Rican, together we cause the most traffic in America.

Could do something.

Red light, yellow light. That's what I call you two. Young, you are a gem. You're so different than everybody else. I just see a little superstar every time I see you. How about one more time for young everybody? Let's keep it moving along. We have our first one-word name of the night now these always

historically historically if you end up looking at the statistics of the last 13 years of kill Tony you will find that the one-word names are always Always a little something. They're either brilliant, insane, anything can happen. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Smithy, everybody. S-M-I-F-F-Y. Smithy. Oh hell yeah, here we

go. Sup niggas? You guys are easy. Y'all ever tried to be friends with a gay person? I have, because I'm progressive. But you gotta watch out for them. Because them niggas, they will try to fuck you. Like, I went out with a buddy, and we went shot for shot.

We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk. he started trying to challenge me to like weird games He was like yo, I bet you I could beat you in a dick sucking competition And that shit really blew me cuz I'm like, there's no way I'm gonna lose to a

like

Listen, I'm not gay. I'm I'm just competitive Times are changing. We got old nigga YNs now. Like, I don't know if y'all ever thought about this, but whatever happened to old black people? They used to be in the church. They used to give great advice.

An old nigga at my job last week came up to me. He was like, where the hoes at? Nigga, your kids are the hoes, what are you talking about? All right, yeah, this is my time.

Smithy, fuck yeah, Smithy, welcome, welcome. What's up, Tom? How you doing, buddy? How long you been doing standup?

About a year.

I love it, All here in Houston? No, I started in Savannah, Georgia. Okay, is that where you're born and bred? No, I'm from Connecticut. Okay Very rare Connecticut black

What made you move to Savannah, um, I don't know I just got it I was living in Missouri I was in the military. Oh, so like after living in Missouri being around like like white country people I was like, I want to be surrounded by black the military. So like, after living in Missouri, being around like white country people, I was like, I wanna be surrounded by black country people.

Hell yeah.

What branch in the military did you swing from?

Oh, wait.

You bitch, you bitch, you.

Got you, I got you.

No, but seriously, what'd you do in the military? Black ops?

Oh, yeah.

Black Hawk down?

Alright. This guy's good. No, I was in the army.

Mmm.

What did you do in the army? The real man. You said what?

What did you do in the army? I was a mechanic.

Nice. Okay.

Awesome. Did you serve overseas at all? Just Korea. Oh, wow. Like a little bit in like Kuwait. What was what was Korea like? Did you get to have any fun out there? Did you go out? Not at all.

Really, honestly, it was like the most depressing time of my life. Tell us about that. Why? Uh, so I had an ex at the time and we had broke up. So I was just in Korea, just heartbroken, just eating chicken, getting explosive diarrhea. It was really, it was a trying time. Like I got to buy like a bunch of, they have like all the clothes there. So it was like, I got to get like a bunch of drip.

It was cool.

Okay, Korean drip.

Yeah. Amazing.

Okay, Smithy, now do you live here in Houston now yes sir what made

you move to Houston uh honestly your show I just didn't have any money to move to Austin three hours away it takes money Tony do you sign up for kill Tony sometimes I actually I've only this is my second time

You signed up once in Austin didn't get up

Funny funny enough. It's like I didn't go to Austin. I went to LA to like the forum show interesting Yeah, but I think you pick LA I was like, I don't know. I like sometimes I like trying my luck. I was like This might work out it worked out tonight. Yeah. Yeah amazing. So you live here in Houston now. What do you do for work? I'm a truck driver a truck driver. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I'm bringing sexy back. I love it

When when people drive by you and go like this, do you honk the horn? No. Okay, Red Band, we know you have a soundboard. Thank you.

Only little kids.

Right.

A grown-ass man is... Get the fuck...

Really?

Because I do it. I do it all the time.

Yeah, me too.

Like this?

Oh, you son of a bitch. Oh, you son of a bitch. I swear to God, you do that one more time, I'm gonna give you the toothiest blowjob you've ever gotten in your life. I'm telling you, tooth. Tooth or false.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Okay, you relax. You relax, Sniffy. Alright. Um, okay. So, why haven't you made the drive to Aus- If you moved to Houston for Kill Tony, why haven't you made the drive to Austin to sign up? Because it's like, I be working, man.

It's like, it's hard. I be tired, and I got insomnia. So I'm like, always tired. People think I'm wearing these glasses because I'm lit. I'm just tired.

OK, that's the same reason why D-Madness wears his. Not a lot of people know that.

Not blind, he's just tired sometimes. How do you stay awake if you're driving the truck for so long caffeine? Yeah, I'm wired

What do you exactly do you have a special regimen that you go through?

What uh, I just usually to be honest, it's probably not healthy. It was like just like thermogenics and like Celsius

Okay

Those are your cousin's names. Yeah

You know, what's funny? I actually been trying to like, I don't know how to pronounce your name. Is it Kim Condom or is Kim, Kim Con, how do I say it?

It doesn't matter.

Okay. Sorry.

Smithy, do you have a girlfriend now?

No.

No.

What's your dating life like?

Uh, to be honest, I like, I'm pigeon toed, so I don't get a lot of girls because of

that. When I walk, it's like. Let me see. Put the mic in the mic stand and walk past Michael's drums. Walk that way. Sweet ass. That's not bad at all. Walk back towards me. Damn. I know I can't. Yeah. Hrrr! Hrrr! Fun fact, he did shit his pants halfway on that walk. Your pigeon assed as well. Anyway, you think that's what's stopping you from having a girlfriend?

Uh, probably.

Wow, no, it's not. It's amazing. When's the last date you went on or something?

I don't even know.

How long have you lived in Houston?

Probably like two years.

Two years.

It costs like $50 to just go outside.

So I was like, I just play video games.

Don't you make money driving trucks?

Yeah, but it's like I got to save it.

For what?

For my dog.

You have a dog?

Yeah. For your dog's drinking habit? Like what is your what are you buying for your dog that he needs so much money? He's spoiled

man. Yeah. What are you getting him? And I'm a black guy so it's like I don't dress like a

black guy but. Oh I remember he's saving up for a Dodge Challenger. What do you spend your money on on give us some fun things that you Belt yeah, well you stole that but what would you spend your money on?

What kind of dog do you have he's a hound slash boxer mix okay? Yeah, jumpy little fucker. Yeah, why not a pitbull? well Yeah, jumpy little fucker. Yeah, why not a pitbull? well

That is a racist question red band And when you say things like that, it makes people of color not want to sign up for the show. Why not a pitbull?

They have like pet laws like so they have an aggressive Breeds policy. So if you say in like apartment complexes, you can't like yeah, you can't have certain dogs, right?

So instead you got a boxer hound

Wait, you said what?

Smithy give us one more fun fact about your life before I get you out of here. Um, I just found out a couple weeks I'm a dancing ass nigga It's like me too I could tell

So we can spot our own. Yeah, when you say you're a dancing ass friend of ours, what exactly do you mean?

It's like I was walking in like HEB a couple of days ago.

And like I have my-

Make some noise for HEB, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, it can't go. I will not let it be mentioned without giving it its own special time on this show. It is just an unbelievable anomaly. We were talking about it literally on the way here, on the bus here, because we stopped at Bucky's, which is a national treasure, and the conversation just comes up every goddamn time.

Texas has the best gas stations, we have the best grocery stores. We have just the light Winter-lasted two weekends this fucking year. It is unbelievable Tell us about this trip to AGV

Now I just have my headphones in it was like I was playing like a

grinding by the Neptunes and I just freaking pop-locked it. So crazy. I was literally playing that on the drums earlier, asking my dear black friend John Deez if he knows that song. And it's the only song that we talked about before the show, was Grinding by The Clips, am I correct? He can confirm. And then what happened? When you were playing Grinding,

you were dancing in the HEB, and then what? Someone entered you into a dancing competition, you found out you were a dancer?

Nah, it's like sometimes you just come to realizations, it's like... You know, like the first time you probably figured out you was gay.

Yes, absolutely. I was in an HEB, I had my headphones on, I fell onto a breadstick, and uh... And why don't we see a little bit of dancing from you? And then we're going to have the great Hall of Famer Adam Ray, who happens to also be a dancing ass motherfucker. We're going to have a little dance competition here. I'm going to throw Adam on the spot, the legend Adam Ray. Let's let him go first.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Smithy, everybody. This is our cover of the Clips. Grinding. oh shit. Go Pigeon Toe, go Pigeon Toe, it's your birthday. Oh shit.

Whoa, whoa, oh, oh my goodness, there he goes. There it is, breaking into the jewelry store, that's what we call that dance.

Oh.

Wow, that's literally what I was gonna do.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who's never taken a loss in the history of the show, doing his dancing ass. Oh, oh my god.

Oh!

Oh, the peep over the window seal. Oh, the um, I don't know how to swim. Oh my goodness. It's... Whoa, oh he transferred it.

Whoa!

Oh he's got his heart. Oh he took a bite of his heart. Oh my god. Oh my god.

You got a jump shot.

How about a hand for Adam Ray ladies and gentlemen.

I panicked.

I panicked.

I thought what would the fucking closet of gay guy do?

Heh heh heh. What the fuck?

You were getting smithy with it.

It's tough. It's tough.

Smithy, you are so fun. Amazing stuff. Here is a big joke book from Boneside that just so happens to be plated in gold because I know your people like things like that. Smiffy, ladies and gentlemen. Of course he caught it. Take note, a black man has never dropped a joke book

in the history of the show. 13 years running, they don't know how to not catch things, including HIV. Now, your next Bucketful, wait, hold on, that's so stupid,

goes by the name, make some noise for Chris Martinez, everybody, your first, what appears to be Houston on you by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys up there. Yeah, I'm not retarded, but I spent $15 for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out, you know. He jumped off the Kill Tony show and went straight to SNL. And all of a sudden he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago.

Am I right? All right, all right, enough about the Jews. Let's talk about Corpus Christi, Texas, where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody give a hand for Donald Trump. The greatest president to ever

live. You see this beautiful bridge. I built that bridge. My administration, we built it in 2017. Sleepy Joe Biden, sleepy Joe Biden. He cut the port, he cut the funding, and then we brought it back in 2020. You can boo all you want, but he's the greatest president. Am I right, Tony? Am I right?

Let's not get too political, though.

Okay, you went over his time there, Chris. I'm going to stop you.

He's the only president right now. There's only one. So you spent the first 10 seconds apologizing to a group of people that you spilled a drink on that no one would have ever known about. Yeah. ever known about. And then you took shots at one of the most beloved humans in the history of the show, a person that these people all watch, do a new minute and an interview every

single week. You don't like him? Is that the implication?

No, I love him. I bought his rocks for 15 bucks. You gotta love him.

Is that true? I'm confused. Is this like an online store or something?

No, it was actually at the Austin show. The Austin, the New Year's Eve show. Okay. Yeah, $15. They told me they might be signed. So I fell for it, I guess.

Dumbass. Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. But all right. So you made a deal about that. No one knew what you were talking about. Yeah. You said that. And then you went on to do a bad impression of the current president in which you just said things that he's actually said before. There was no comedy added to it or anything like that.

Yeah.

Have you ever done standup comedy before?

Uh, twice at the little pizza shop in Corpus Christi.

Okay. We know about that little pizza shop. Brick City or something? What's it called?

Mesquite Street.

Mesquite Street. That's right. Okay. Chris, before I get you out of of here because you did nothing here tonight Somehow you're the only true Mexican that's been pulled and you did less work than anybody. Shout out

Shout out to you. Okay. All right. I fucking love you Adam Ray. You're the best. Okay. I love you too player

I thought we got I thought we deported all you guys what's going on?

And that's your Topo Chico joke of the night all right no one knows how to bring the room to a halt like you do

it's incredible Chris before I get you out of here give me one redeeming quality about you that'll make all these people fall in love with you because

right now you've wasted three minutes of I'm just gonna lean into the hey I'm a

door-to-door solar rep. I'm knocking your door for solar

Okay, we're gonna keep it moving along here's a little joke book there you go Chris Martinez everybody he caught it Gotta give him that caught it. There you go. There he goes a strange eye contact and pointed at him Ray as he walks

Think I found a fan of my dance moves.

He's like, I didn't know you could move like that.

That made me miss my mom. I don't know, that was sad.

Sometimes I just keep it moving along.

Sometimes I think there might be an interview. Trust your instincts, Don. Sometimes I just keep it flying.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Clay McLaren. Here we go. Here comes Clay McLaren.

There we go. Hey, everyone, how's it going tonight? Well I'm probably going to suck harder than that other guy, but I'm going to do my best. So I had my first sexual interaction with a female to male transgender person. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at Bucky's.

Also, I work at a comedy club, and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about is that I get to eat all the cum.

What the fuck?

That was the punchline that you held your hand up and like made us all wait for? Just hand jobs, hand jobs, jerked off this guy, jerked off that guy, thank you, good night? You work at a comedy club? What do you do at the comedy club?

I'm in event staffing.

This must be the worst comedy club in the world.

Where is this comedy club at?

It's in Houston.

What's it called?

Punchline Houston.

Wow.

And you do event staffing?

Yes, sir.

OK. You're adorable. I think you're funnier than what you did on stage tonight, so let's talk about it I just want real answers out of you. Okay, clay. Yeah, of course. How old are you? I am 30 30 when you wake up in The morning truly without trying to be funny take us through your routine. What's the very first thing you do? Do you lay in bed for a little bit? Do you get out of bed immediately? What do you do? Take a drink of alcohol. I couldn't hear you because of the loud sound effect that

happened because my partner here is just so good at his job. Go ahead. Thank you, Red Van. Go ahead. What's the first thing you do? Take a drink. You take a drink? Yeah.

You drink alcohol while still in bed? Yeah, even though I just got out of rehab a while back. Okay, perfect. I fell off the wagon.

Okay.

Oh my.

He broke the wagon.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, so.

Boo!

Were you in rehab for alcohol?

What's that?

Were you in rehab for alcohol only?

Yeah.

Okay.

That was a lie.

Yeah, yeah.

I had to hesitate. Let's talk about this drinking problem of yours you're 30 Yes, and so what take us through a day of how much you drink?

Before I went to rehab it was at least half a gallon a day half a gallon of vodka. Yes Wow

Amazing. How did it get to that point?

When did you start drinking, 21 or before? Before.

Okay, how young were you?

19, maybe 20.

And were you drinking by yourself back then? No. You were drinking with friends? Yes. And then when did you start drinking by yourself in the morning like that?

Around 25.

25, what happened at 25 that made you start doing a little bit of heartbreak or something?

Yeah, I had some tumultuous relationships.

Okay. Alright.

When you say tumultuous, what exactly do you mean?

I was supposed to get married and then I didn't. Yeah, thank you. Why didn't you? She walked out on you? She left you? No, I didn't. Yeah, thank you.

Why didn't you? She walked out on you? She left you?

No, I left her.

What made you leave her? Hold on everybody, shut up with your fucking angry boos. Shut up. This is why the Astros can't win a World Series, you fuck. Stop your booing. You fucking Houston. We laugh about you all the time, and meanwhile you're only two and a half hours away from us and we think you're sad. Shut up. The Rockets suck. The Astros suck. Yeah. Heel turn hinge clip, fuck you.

I'm interested in this guy's story.

For the record, Hakim is my favorite player of all time.

He's a man.

Yeah, I'm kidding, I like you guys. But go ahead.

Oh no, she wanted kids, I wasn't financially stable, so I thought that it would be inappropriate

to bring a kid into the world without being able to take care of it, right?

Yeah

What did she do for work? She didn't do jackalot about nothing. She didn't work at all. No fuck no Meanwhile she wanted a kid and you're doing event staffing at a comedy club that barely has any events. Yes, sir

All right, so that's rough

Can I ask the the cum punch line when you you said we were all like it was you know you had you came out with good energy, right? You came out people were cheering. They were rooting for you. They wanted you to succeed. And then and then you build up and you have this formula of like I did this and I jerk

out the thing but the best part about it is and then you said I eat the cum and that felt more like a confession than a punchline. So did you have other alternative punchlines like that you were deciding between or did you just think that? Just off the top of my head. Yeah, eating cum, you're just like, they'll love that.

Yeah, I eat cum regularly.

Say it again.

When you say you eat cum regularly, what exactly do you mean?

I mean, it's not like a recreational thing, but.

Answer the question. What do you mean when you say you eat cum? It's a very simple question you said it I'm asking you what you mean

Sometimes it shoots on my face. Hold on sir. I got this. What the fuck? Yeah

So you're gay sometimes Yeah, okay, are you consider yourself bi no you're just gay no straight you're straight but guys shoot cum on your face sometimes fuck yeah okay I'm gonna get you out of here this is a deep D madness did it okay very good there you go buddy there you go see up another drop what is this what D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D whole city. Look at all the tiny Houston middle fingers. You know, that's a thing in the water here. Makes your middle fingers go small. It's a Houston thing. Look how tiny they are.

They all look like little pinkies. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm from Houston. Yes, I'm from Ohio. Very good. The home of world leaders and whatnot. Yes. Fight!

Alright.

We still haven't found...

How's my favorite, the upper deck, doing up there? Oh yeah. That's where the real winners are tonight. I'm telling ya, I'm in love with the upper deck. There's a lot of sore losers with extra money down here. A bunch of spoiled kids that inherited it from their oil mining fathers.

The real workers are up there. How about one more time for the upper deck, huh? You hear that? These people fucking get it. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Jasmine Flowers, everyone. Jasmine Flowers. ♪

Hello. I notice patterns for a living, and I noticed something. The Amish, they used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. TLC, HBO, I don't even have cable, but I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam. But, you know, they pretend they can't have cell phones, but then that's scamming 101.

My camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had ‑‑ they said ‑‑ there was no electricity, candles. Let's build barns, turn butter and confuse the hell out of society. That's what it's like basically. And I know one person at a meeting said, this could have been an e‑mail.

But anyway, I'm just saying, check the barns for Wi‑Fi. This has really changed. Anyway, I try to ‑‑

All right, Jasmine. That's overtime right there. I love it. Jasmine, welcome. Keep that microphone. I'm going to do an interview here because I love Medea Does Kill Tony. This is incredible. How long have you been trying stand-up? About 90 seconds. 90 seconds. Perfect. What made you want to start here tonight?

Saturday, didn't have anything else to do, so let me drive out there and see what's happening.

I love it, but you watch the show sometimes. You know what it is.

Yes, yes.

So you tried it. You said that these Amish people are, they're coming out of nowhere, there's a lot of them now.

Yeah, they used to be elusive. You never knew an Amish person. I didn't know about Amish people, but now they're everywhere and everything. And they're supposed to be kind of against technology, but...

Yeah. Jasmine, what do you do for work?

I'm an accountant.

You're an accountant?

Yes.

Oh my goodness gracious. What type of accounting are you doing?

Corporate accounting.

Wow.

It's fun, really.

I love it. And you live here in Houston, Texas.

I do.

I do live in Houston.

I love it. What part of Houston do you live in?

I live in the Westbury area near Meyerland. If people know where that is. In the city, Houston proper.

What are some of your favorite things to do here in Houston? You ever go to the turkey hut? I've never been to the turkey hut but I've had turkey legs at the Renaissance Festival. I like that. Ooh, the Renaissance Festival. I didn't know black people went to Renaissance Festivals. Me and my friends, a couple of us. You guys probably really stand out at that Renaissance Festival. No we don't. Blocksmith. Red band. Okay. Jasmine, you have a family?

Yes, I do.

I have two kids.

I love it. How old are they?

23 and 21. Okay, you did it.

Yes, it's finished.

Heck yeah. What are they up to, boys or girls?

I have a son that's at Texas Tech.

This is his last year, mechanical engineering.

Nice. I have a daughter that lives in Milwaukee.

She's a dog groomer.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Heck yeah.

Love it.

And Jasmine, what do you do for fun? What, do you have any hobbies or anything like that?

I walk a dog, I like to garden, hang out with my friends. Yes, I do, I like the garden. We're going fishing next month.

Okay. All right. Amazing. Interesting, Jasmine. So the kids are all grown up. You still have a man? No. Okay. I don't have a man. When's the last time you were with a man? I've been divorced for probably about 10 years. Uh-huh. But do you go on dates or anything? Have you been getting, you know, the old, uh...

No, not really. Maybe, you know, I'm just enjoying doing stuff.

Kim wants to know when your last kiss was.

My last kiss?

Maybe two years, three years. years really it's been that long

She's such a beautiful I'm happy I mean she's such a beautiful lady

Is there a guy out there that wants to get Jasmine a big smooch? Huh be part of hilltoni history you got to make it a good one if I bring you up here Who do you think it is? Who's really gonna go for it? Blue shirt right there you think? I need some water. You need water? Have some, have some, have anybody's water you want. You got it. Alright, who's gonna do this? Are you gonna do it?

Pick one Jasmine, I'll let you pick. In the words of Uncle Lazer, who's gonna make that pussy fine?

Oh my God, this guy.

First of all, the guy with the white beard? Let's get January 7th over here. Jasmine, do you have a preference?

You have to be over 50.

You have to be over 50? Yeah, that guy with the beard can do it.

How about the guy with the cowboy hat?

Cowboy hat? Cowboy hat. The guy

with the purple? The guy with the beard, no? Jack, we shall let you pick. That guy with the white beard's gonna do it, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! Thank you, thank you. Look at that, not the first time this guy's freed the slaves.

Look at this fucking guy. Holy shit.

This is what comes out of the game when you roll double sixes in Jumanji.

Watch your step, sir. Watch your step. Jasmine, how did that feel?

You squirt?

I forgot. I forgot already. I can't remember.

I love it. She's mesmerized. All right, Jasmine. Thank you so much. There she goes, Jasmine Flowers, everybody. She's a sweetheart. Guys are out here booing during sets.

These guys are relentless here in Houston. All right, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute force of nature that you know, that you love. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. An absolute force of nature that you know, that you love. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Sing it if you know the words, because I present to you

the one and only, this is Hans Kim! Hey! What's up Houston? Hell yeah. Don't worry, I speak English. This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I'd go to a kitchen at Chili's. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn?

I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, Give me your money. It's usually some form of Ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening.

I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retail theft as well now. I am working out right now. You know, I don't have to be stronger than a black guy. I just have to last long enough till the cops get there.

All right, well, that's my time. Thank you guys so much. long enough till the cops get there. All right, well, that's my time.

Thank you guys so much.

Hans Kim has done it again. Wow, how about the reception from that crowd just upon arrival?

I know.

Thank you.

Amazing.

Thank you. Hansi Boy Kim, live in Houston, Texas.

How does Houston make you feel? How do you feel about all this? Oh, it's great.

It's a big Texas city. A lot of anger can be unleashed upon me. So I, yes, trying to stay on the good side of Houston. Lots of different types of, you know, Republicans and Democrats here to piss off. It's just a lot of people here.

A lot of different types of, you know, Republicans and Democrats here to piss off. It's just a lot of people here. A lot of different kinds of people. Yeah, lots of love. Lots of love. Absolutely. Have you been to Houston before? Yes, I actually double teamed a female here. Whoa. Let's cut to a clip. No, still don't have it. Still don't have it. My goodness. This was a fan? Yeah, she was pretty enthusiastic. Who did you double team her with? A wonderful Austin comic that I don't think I should name. Right, but a buddy. Yeah. Okay. Not like,

you know, Brian Redban or something. Right, it definitely wasn know Brian Redd ban or something right it definitely wasn't bright You'd have to be able to get hard to have sex with a woman Just kidding this reminds me plooch you the official sponsor of kill Tony Wow tell us what it was like double teaming. We're did what which hole did you pick well? I actually She was like bonded with me, uh, which is pretty cool.

So I actually had sex with her before my friend got there. So I already came inside of her vagina. And then, uh...

Thank you for that. I was about to ask where.

I mean, that's important.

Let me ask you, did she tell you she was on the pill or something?

Like, what made you come inside of her?

Did you just do that? I just felt very open to the idea of that Wow

It's not gonna hold up in court by the way

It was a long time ago, but yeah, it was all legal

Jesus

She yeah, so I already came and then then my friend came, and she's like, I always want to do this thing, a roast pig or a stuck pig. I talked about this before. But then I actually took the mouth area, and he took the vagina. And I really wasn't as hard as I could have been.

Failed. Yeah, she wasn't really a roast pig, more now. Let me ask you just kabob. Let me ask you this

Just come on

Corn dog, okay, we got it. We got it. Yeah, you don't need to keep naming. Yeah. Yeah, so Your soft penis was in her mouth and your buddy was fucking the hole that you had already nutted inside of did you tell your friend that You came inside of her. Oh, I I don't think I did So there's a chance that your buddy is gonna find out from watching this show At the time that he hooked up with a chick with you He was fucking your cum. Yeah, I lubed him up

I love that he he still looks at you

Hans has just enough autism to look to think of it like you're you helped him out a little bit

If she gets pregnant who who's going to claim the baby? I mean, he was white, and I'm Asian. So if it's smart, then it's mine.

That's a good point.

Touche.

Let's see how he does on the SATs before.

How did after work, like right after you guys came, did you just keep hanging out, or?

Yeah, we crashed.

He took the couch. Um, I took the bed a little bit and then we left. We drove back to Austin.

You said you crashed. Does that mean that you drove immediately out?

Cool, cool way to say it.

I keep imagining Hans trying to do an Eiffel Tower but his dick is soft or her face keeps falling.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't get hard again. Eiffel Tower but his dick is soft or her face keeps falling?

Oh I'm so sorry I can't get hard again. Oh this is my Hans impression. Oh I'm sorry I'm so soft.

Is there anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard?

Yes. Okay go ahead. Always the most honest answers. Anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard? Is there less?

Yes.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh... Always the most honest answers. If you look at the history of the show, no one has better answers to my questions than

Hans Gamm.

Totally. Always, before I'm even done answering the questions.

Yes, Tony, yes, actually I do.

Honest Hans should be the name of your special.

Yes, Honest Hans. Yes. I think a lot getting tickled which is just fucking weird But now that I'm finding out that you're doing the tickling and that makes you hard What is it about tickling a girl that makes you hard great question Tony?

When she squirms. Yeah, the part where she's like, no, no, please don't.

Yeah, that's most of my relationships with women. So it seems accurate. It seems period accurate.

Let me ask you this. I asked you what it takes, what you think about to make you hard. Here's a question I've never asked you before. Is there something that you think of when you're about to come too fast and you think of that to try to stop yourself from being

so overly excited? Hans Kim. I usually try to think of the woman that I'm making

love with and what she would want and I'm like she would want me to come now. We'll be right back. I feel like taking a break. Wait, Hans, do you and the guy chit-chat during the, um, do, alright, I don't know what I'm trying to ask. But you guys, I mean, is there, you know, there's

dirty talk, right, but if he starts to talk, do you go, oh, sorry, yeah, you go ahead, or like?

Yeah, I think there was a moment where we did like, we did that exact thing. I forget like why. But yeah, I think we made like, hey, you can take the bottom. I'll take the top. And then it was just like, yeah, she was like making noises.

She did it with me, which was kind of concerning.

Oh, no. Were her noises better with you than with him? Like, did you get — did you take it personal?

Yes. He was getting better noises.

Wow.

It's like — wow.

Amazing. Were you guys, like, talking or, like, looking at each other?

No, he wasn't trying to look at my — I was —

Were you like, can you sign me up for the mic later?

I was looking at his dick.

You were?

Yes.

How was he not looking at you if you were looking at him?

He was just like head down, task at hand. He was a very...

Yeah.

And your dick was like boba tea over there, like in the mouth.

Yeah, it was like boba tea. It's chewy, tapioca.

Oh, God. Oh my God.

Okay, was he a white guy or a black guy?

White man.

Okay, right.

By the way, I don't think any girl's ever been like,

yeah, Hans, give me that chewy dick.

Wow.

My goodness, Hans, you are amazing. Anything else you want to tell

the beautiful people of Houston, Texas? I bought a van for $13,000. That doesn't work. I wasted $13,000. I love your city.

I think.

What do you mean you bought a van?

I bought a Sprinter van thinking I could make it a van life van, even though I already have a van. I just bought a stupid van for no reason. And what made you do that? Um, I was, uh, looking at my old van. I'm like, this van sucks. Let me, um, and then, you know, one of my friends was like,

you should just get a new van. So I just got a new van, but it was a shitty,

shittier version of the van. What if this is what he and me and the other guy were talking about when they were double teaming the girl? I bought a second van, did I tell you? Oh, sorry. Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Coochie coochie coo.

Wow. So one could call you Hans Kim.

Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, van. I have the van's logo as my logo.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim all right ladies and gentlemen it's been a hell of a show this is your final bucket full of the night how about one more time for Heidi and Val everybody you can check out their podcast love Love on the Line, at HeidiRegina.com. Follow the band on social media.

Follow Adam Ray. He's on the You Is Me Tour going to Vegas, at the Wynn, and everywhere else. AdamRayComedy.com, KimKongdon.com, and follow her at KimKongdon, C-O-N-G-D-O-N. All right, your final Bucket Bowl tonight goes by the name of Devin Callaghan, everybody.

One last Houston Bucket Bowl.

All right, how you guys doing? Yeah, I'm Devin Callaghan.

Callaghan, like Dirty Harry. Yeah, I see your face confused. You're like, I remember Dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. So yeah, so I Figured out not to bring it down and I talk about death. I figured out the afterlife. I got it

It's two types of jokes ghosts one ghost full-body guy standing under a light Hey, it's my grandfather probably smoking a cigarette head to toe it's a ghost second ghost you just get like a little haunting thing and it's just like no legs and nothing just feet up like feet gone knees up and it's just running around like their second type, those are the motherfuckers they die of diabetes. Yes. So it turns out in the afterlife,

you don't get your feet back. It's like a punishment. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. I need some friends. I need some new friends.

I was chilling with my homies. And we were on a road trip. And I was like, hey, man, I'm getting kind of tired. Let's pull into somewhere. And I saw a hotel, L-A-Q-U-I-N-T-A, and I told my homies, hey, let's stay at La Quinta. Right? And they started laughing, they were like,

ah, this fool crazy! It's La Quinta, fool! It's LaQuinta, foe. It's LaQuinta. OK, was that the end of the joke?

No.

OK, finish it.

And so I was telling them, no, LaQuinta is the chick that works at the front desk. But the establishment is LaQuinta, right? Like, so.

Absolutely. Devin Callahan making his Killtome debut, right?

Yes.

You live here in Houston?

Port Arthur and Beaumont. I stay in Port Arthur.

PA, baby!

Look at that.

All right.

Can you say the N word there?

Yeah, but no, no, I don't want to, though. We're nice. We're nice people.

You don't have to.

Yeah.

You don't have to say it. Okay, Devin, what do you do for work? I play piano, I play keys. You're a professional piano player? Yeah!

Really?

Yeah! How long you been doing that for?

Like 20, 20 years.

20 years?

Yeah, I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright.

Really?

Yeah.

That's amazing.

I don't think we've ever had an actual piano player on this show before. the floor. You guys want to hear him play some piano? John Deez, the band leader, normally doesn't share his piano with anybody. He's a tough cookie. He's old school. A lot of musicians don't like sharing their instruments. And I know how it is, bro. And he knows how it is. But now that he said, oh, see, all he had to say, all he had to say was I know how it is I get it and then look Jay he broke John Deas's little heart here he is lady look at this look at this couple cousins just giving handshakes oh yeah don't play anything

copyrighted it's got to just be kind of like your own like original jam John Deas this is my uncle oh shit all. Uncle Devin in the motherfucking hizzy housey. Won't say the N word because that's not nice.

See that's how I think they should all be.

Alright. Oh my god This one palms was listening to during his double team keep going keep going I'm gonna sing a little song When I'm in Houston my favorite kind of pub is gastro I Cheat like I'm an astro

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I keep playing keep fucking playing dumbass keep playing I put my finger in an electrical socket he played fucking music in an electrical socket more shocking than a wind from the Houston Rockets There's traffic all over this shithole town And there's no real live entertainment to be found Cause all the artists moved to Austin Or even Boston, or anywhere to get lost in Cause art doesn't exist in Houston.

But you can wash it down with some Aquafina, there's some left from Hurricane Katrina.

Stupid. Stupid.

How about one more time for Devin Callahan on the keys.

Wow.

That's a hit clip on the bowl.

We've got a mentality here.

I'm riffing.

I'm just goofing around. Me and Adam used to play with the great Jeff Scott at the comedy store. We were the only two guys that used to riff with him, rest in peace. We lost him during the pandemic because he got COVID and AIDS at the same time. All right, Devin, anything else crazy we should know about you before you go? What's the biggest white lady you ever impregnated? I hadn't had a chance yet, so.

I don't know if you saw Jasmine flowers earlier, but there's a black woman that makes no sense whatsoever when she talks that really needs to be dicked down. Oh I met her, I saw her. Yeah. Nah, I'm a muh. I'm okay. Welcome to another episode of Nah with Devin Callaghan. Is there a white lady that wants to be impregnated right now?

Yeah of course there is. That guy just hit his wife. Of course.

Devin, thank you so much. There he goes. Devin Callahan.

You're the Puerto Rico guy!

Thank you, thank you so much. There he goes! Devin Callahan. He just realized who I was, everybody. Hey, wait, you're the Puerto Rico guy. There's a joke book. See you later. Ladies and gentlemen, like I said, Saturday nights are hard on this show. We have created so many superstars

that a lot of them were booked tonight in their own sold out shows around the world. However, I was able to secure the man who I think is one of the fastest young rising comedians in the world. You see him every week writing and performing

a brand new minute. At one point he was recognized as the Dark Storm of Atlanta, Georgia. And now he is the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. I present to you, the future. This is Dedrick Flynn!

Oh my God!

Are we in the South?

This feel like the South. I love Houston, it's like a big ass Atlanta. My favorite Houston rapper, Pimp C. Pimp C once said something that meant everything to me. He said, nigga, I ate so much shrimp, I got iodine poisoning. Now Pimp C is known to lip his raps and I'm going to tell y'all, that ain't shit. That nigga researched, that happened to him. That nigga woke up in a hospital,

and then a doctor was like, your blood levels went high down, you're about to die, Pimp C. He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that let me think Mr.. Pimp C Do you ever eat a baller amount of shrimp? He's like hell yeah, he said how much shrimp do you eat he was like I don't know about this much

This much money's how much shrimp he eat I've been chasing an iodine poison in my whole goddamn life

Thank y'all so much

Hell yeah, buddy

How's it going? Bedrick man? No niggas mad at me for getting drunk in New York story wars Which is which is crazy, because what else, it was 17 degrees, nigga, I gotta drink at least to be warm. It cost $100 to breathe in New York, nigga, I gotta drink. I had to take a $130 Uber to get from New Jersey

all the way to Brooklyn nigga. I'm gonna drink

Seven long islands they got was in Long Island we call that a bad team preach

Keep keep going for the love of God keep going There's nothing but stairs in New York nigga this shit I got lost as a motherfucker on the train I'm a country boy it was too cold for me to be up there I don't know that shit I was in a New York state of mind I got in New York supposed to be hard but when a nigga drink hard I'll get upset I thought we came from where I came you'd be in Paris getting fucked up too.

Fuck yeah. My goodness gracious come on now

Come on believable dead jerk have you been around Houston a lot not is my first time means

I love y'all I Love y'all hell yeah Houston loves you as well, Dedrick. This is amazing.

Would you like to tell the people what you got today on the way here? Yeah, I just got this new Bucky's gold chain, because that nigga Matt Wright was talking about, I gotta match my teeth.

Now, talk about that.

These chains, these other chains is fake as fuck, though.

They're like $30 on Amazon, but they are gold colored

You know I have so much Bucky stuff. It is incredible. I have Blankets I have mugs I have magnets I have so much Bucky's merch that it's incredible and every time I stop at one I obtain more However, I never even knew there was a case with gold necklaces in it. They walked me to it when I got in I

Put on my jury just to go to the bookies. You know I don't even know how you found that it called out to me Tony

I

Went to go buy some bookie slides at first and then as soon as I touch the slides They said you gotta match it with a chain. Yeah

Yep, absolutely

Dedrick Flynn what's been going on in life buddy other than that that New York bullshit It's no big deal. You got to remember only 1.2 percent of the kill Tony fan base watches that show.

Yeah, but that was nice to me when I was in Brooklyn.

You do drink hard though, right? Like you are a big drinker.

Yeah. I'm from the South. We make moonshine. Y'all make hunch punch out here? We don't make that cold liquor out here. I thought we was in the South. I thought we was in the South. I thought we was in the South. I said, do we get our drink on when we get our paycheck?

Joe, none of your business what I put in my body. What's in my cup is in my cup. If I want to drink a liquor casserole because it makes me feel good,

that's what I call Long Island's a liquor casserole because it makes me feel good. That's what I call Long Island's a liquor casserole

I'm getting word your preaching is going so hard in the paint the jasmine flowers just had her diabetes cure

Now I've been cut I cut back sometimes cuz But that wasn't even really me on the show because I didn't even have my grill because when I went to go check in my New York hotel the hold on the car was more than I had on my debit card So I just left my grills with them niggas you fucking kidding me. This is a real story. Yeah I didn't wear girls on Star Wars. So that really wasn't even me for real That was just dead Rick Flynn. That wasn't a dark storm. You know, I'm, but you know you asked for the storm. I bring the storm

You know I gotta be a tornado sometimes Tony let me off the leash

You're the one putting yourself in chains, buddy. Yeah, that's makes us hilarious

On the last day of Black History Month

We'll be right black

We'll be right black We'll be right black

I love it. Deadrick. Is there anything else crazy? We should know about before we put a ribbon on this damn thing, man Huh, why you come to why you come to Houston

Why are you?

Because I fucking love this place and I heard great things and rap songs. Why would I not want to come to Houston? If kill Tony's in Houston, I fucking love this place and I heard great things in rap songs Why would I not want to come to Houston if kill Tony's in Houston? I'm in there If kid Tony's in Dallas, I'm in there Tony's in Austin. I'm in there

We in the south!

Cedric Flynn, the dark storm of Austin for tonight is the dark storm of Houston. A little fun fact everybody, and tickets are not on sale yet, but we are coming to, on October 17th, save the date, we are doing a kiltoni in Sugar Land here at the Smart Financial Center, October 17th, so you could put that in your little calendar. We're coming back, whole different show, whole different fucking everything.

Um, what else? Did you guys have a great night tonight? We did too.

I know some people tonight are going to be partying out at the Colorado, which is owned by some friends of the Kill Tony family. So there's a little heads up there. And we love you guys. Band, play a little music. One more time for Adam Ray, everybody. Adamraycomedy.com, KimKongdon.com. Make some fucking noise for Kim Kongdon, everybody. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everyone. Whoa, that's a good one. Ooh, look at that, a little Miami Vice. They're skinny. I love

it. How about one more time for our golden ticket winners and regulars Enrique Chacon, Colin Sledge, Uncle Lazer, Young, Hans Kim, and Dedrick Flynn. We love you guys. Red Band. Guys, I love you Houston.

Houston, last stop, Sherlock's, La Porte, Texas.

Love you so much, guys.

We love you. God bless Houston, Texas, and God bless the United States of America. We love you. We love you. Thank you.