KT #763 - JEFF ROSS

Hello there, everybody. We are excited to announce, you know, we were the first podcast to ever do Madison Square Garden. We were the first podcast ever on Netflix and we're coming back to Netflix, as you know. And now we are proud to announce we are going back to Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row.

Completely unprecedented. The world's greatest arena. Tickets go on pre-sale. Special two-day passes available on Wednesday morning at 10 a.m. Eastern time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10 a.m. Use the promo code KILL26, KILL26,

and you can get special two-day passes or you can get a one-night pass, but you might as well come both nights. You're gonna be in New York City make a trip to the greatest arena in the world support your favorite show on planet earth and see all your favorite talents of the future the past and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison

Square Garden tickets go on sale Wednesday 10 a.m. don't mess it up. And I'm ready to go. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh my goodness, how excited, how we fucking feeling tonight, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Shopify, Tacovas, and ZipRecruiter.

Oh my God, it feels good in here. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, and Nachos Belgrande.

The great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this, believe it or not, live in the flesh is Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, what an exciting episode we have for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Visit netreputation.com, America's largest online reputation management company, because the only thing that should define your brand is you you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show Every single week I book it you've seen it before Sometimes it's three guests sometimes it's two and then every once in a while you're on a night here on a night where it's so Magical that I have one guest that I love so much that our chemistry is so good, where we roll with one.

This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly fucking super friend, but a genius who right now,

his new special, Take a Banana for the Ride, is on Netflix, just came out, and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Love!

Yes! Yeah, baby! You can yell louder than that, Austin, Texas. Fuck yes! My man. The best. And he is ready to unleash

the flamethrowing power of another roast.

May 10th, the roast of Kevin Hart. It's gonna be the best, it's gonna be the greatest roast ever. It really is. I don't know if Tony will ever be able to me by the way. That's exciting. I'm just gonna take that one, absorb it.

The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Fucking ice truckers over here.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Welcome, welcome.

It is a wild looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this fucking guy. It's absolutely incredible. This guy right here? Yeah, look at him. Dude. He looks like he sharpens his head. Look at this guy got. It's incredible. The human dildo in the front row. Jesus. It is amazing. Like your

head should be part of a car wash. The bristles.

I'm jealous, look at me.

He asks his, this guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip. Can I have an old paintbrush, please?

That's nice. Your poor name is used paintbrush.

We're gonna have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done this show so many times. You were with us in the belly room Your poor name is used paintbrush. Pot you think you get to leave at 7 p.m. To do this some stupid fucking thing they would bust my balls about it great memory Oh, yeah, you remember it when?

Tony would have to leave to go to kill Tony

Yeah, and yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays I'm back down in the belly room there were like 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the belly room at the comedy store to Madison Square Garden, over 200 human beings signed up.

They are packed like sardines in a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and they get feedback and take questions from me and the Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen, the whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're gonna start it with a bang ladies and gentlemen. I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the GOAT golden ticket winner. Here to get tonight's show started,

the automatic machine, ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody!

♪♪ What's up? What's going on? ♪♪

What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. They were blowing my cover, you know? I'm gonna get a new dog, I'm gonna get a drug dog

and use it for good, you know. I'll say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at. I'm like, uh, okay. I see these reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always a guy working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need a motor

when I had shit to do, you know? When I'm around livestock. That's, you know, that's, okay, cool.

All right.

Okay, the great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds.

Oh, yeah, I did it.

Thunder and lightning as always. Is that true you travel with a dog?

Yeah, I don't always, but great set up to a story I wanted to tell. Perfect. I don't always travel with him, but every now and then I operate if it's like a short trip. So anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out.

How do you do that? Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and trapezone and it works, it works. Wow. You know like break this up. You're just a special You're just the old trusty pharmacist over here. I mean that told me I did I didn't do our own research Hadn't he snorts it right? Yeah

Shut it in his fucking nose.

I love it. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere. They troll around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying

with my handicapped friends. You, I didn't even know you had a dog at all.

Yeah, remember the dog I had when I was sad? You made jokes about it Mean that happened during my time

That happens luckily the dog was just tripping out on fucking pain pills or whatever. Yeah

It was chill Adam, but uh, but I usually you know, he's like

Just you know the highest fuck, you know? What kind of dog is it?

He's like a Shih Tzu mix. He's like a small guy. He's, you know.

And it's legs, everything's operational, or are you guys like twins?

We don't have that, we don't have that fucking common. We're pretty, yeah.

You guys don't crip walk together through the airport?

He's kind of blind, so he doesn't know where he's going either.

A little bit there. I love it. D-Madness laughing at your blind dog. You gotta love it.

You gotta love it.

Does it wear wacky light-up glasses like D does?

It looks just like him.

I love it. I love it. I love it. But yeah, anyway, so I usually, you know, sleep a bit and stuff. And then we were on the plane. There was something he said.

He started like freaking out. I don't know what was happening. He started to get out of the carrier, but I calmed him down. The drugs hit. Then two minutes later, I had like a hoodie on.

I looked up my sleeve, I was like, is this shit? Because, yeah, he took a shit.

In the carrier?

In the carrier, during the fight.

During the fight with you?

The flight.

Oh, okay, I thought you guys got into a fight, trying to keep him in the carrier.

Yeah, because he was shitty,. That's why we were fighting. Wow. What a little terrorist thought you have. And no one said anything, but I'm sure they're looking at me like, I think this guy shitted in something.

You didn't smell it at all?

So if I leaned down, I could smell it. I definitely was like, uh-oh, but there's nothing we could do.

What airline was this?

Delta.

Oh, OK. Normally, you can pick up a scent on Delta. Southwest, it always smells like dog shit.

Yeah, yeah.

So people would have thought it was a downgrade of the scent on Southwest. But Delta, that's interesting. Were you in business class or normal?

I think I was just normal. We were in the back, so. Oh, cool. Shit goes down back there.

That's right.

Literally.

Yeah. He lived up to the shit suit name. Yes, indeed. Really, uh...

So that's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie? Yeah, I had it. Were you a little bit insecure after that? Was anybody sitting next to you?

Luckily, there was nobody next to me.

Amazing.

To call it out.

That would have been great if it was like a... an Indian guy or something,

and you're like,

God, it's this guy over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you turn it inside out?

Well, it's...

Good question. Shitmaster Brian Redbent. The master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redbent, with the tough questions.

I just roll out the sleeve. Roll it out. Amazing.

Amazing. Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin? I've seen Martin before.

Never this close. Ha ha ha ha.

Does your dog, maybe your dog thinks you're wet all the time.

Oh, you know, well, I.

He's always like shaking like the way dogs shake when they're wet.

Ha ha ha ha.

Always dry.

Ha ha ha ha. I always try.

Anyway, how much money have we raised so far?

Such a pleasure to be here for such an important cause.

You look sticker than I do. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know.

I know. I got the scar right here. I got that last year. So, Mark, I love that joke.

I love you for that joke.

Okay. It's very...

Everyone is...

Healthiest I've ever been.

Well...

I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia.

Oh, my God.

How's my hair? Is my hair okay? Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter, Martin Phillips, has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

He is the man. Hell yeah.

And now to the bucket we go. You guys know how this goes. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled in an SNF and it could be anything in between. We're going to find out all together.

Your first Bucketful of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spaller, everybody.

Put your hands together for Aaron.

How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy. Just real simple, easy going, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, some

cute fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved here, like, I felt bad for them. You give them a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said, cancer, can't work.

How are you gonna use your Zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs, struggling to feed myself and you're just sitting there,

I was born in July, can you help me? Like, no, fuck you, dude. I try to look for the bright side in everything. I really do. And with having the homeless people here, I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th Street

and anybody starts like shooting, and they start blasting, we got a lot of meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair. I'm charging straight at him. We're going to be the heroes of the day, man.

But I'm just fucking with you.

All right, there it is. The complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you?

I'm doing good. How are you?

Is this your first time on the show?

No, third.

Okay.

All right. Well, your look's always changing. Today you look like a full-grown Chucky doll, so it's very exciting. I'll take it. How long you been doing stand-up?

May will be three years.

Okay, all of it here in Austin, Texas?

I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here.

Okay, awesome. And when did exactly did you get the overalls?

Christmas.

Christmas? You got them for yourself?

No, my mom, man.

Your mom got those for you?

Yeah.

That's adorable.

But I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes at hundreds when they cost the same as this.

Yeah, dude, look how many pots I got.

That's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband. Full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work?

I do valet during the day you do valet yeah mostly tractors

John dear

amazing Aaron how long have you been valeting for a Year and three or four months. I think what's the craziest thing you've seen valeting Craziest down or anything come on. There's got to be something wacky I know you're trying to keep your job but. You got a car there's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of gun. A shitty dog in a carrier perhaps or something like that. No somebody has left

their kid in the backseat and I was like oh shit like baby baby. Like I started driving

off and you see a dog. How much did you get for it? until you realized there was a baby in the back? Halfway around the block. Oh my God. Was it a dad or a mom?

Both.

Oh my God.

It was the family, man.

Holy shit.

Yeah, it was weird.

Wow.

And how did they react? Did you realize before leaving the car or did someone call you?

Oh yeah, so no, every now and then somebody leaves something in the car and there's the bike lane. So you got to like watch that mirror real heavy, look in the mirror for the bike lane. I just see the parents like, oh shit. Oh, I'm like, what's going on?

And then you hear the, I'm like, oh yeah.

Extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right? And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with. Luckily you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect.

Nice job.

Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers too. Aaron, what do you do for fun?

What I do for fun? Mainly like hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast.

What do you hunt for?

I've done deer pretty much my whole life. I was born and raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels, simple shit.

Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that?

I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will. Yeah. Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in like six years. I just go for as easy as possible.

Like I hate putting effort.

Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible.

Easy as possible?

You have one ply toilet paper. Jeff, what were you gonna ask?

Joke writing.

Oh fuck.

That's for sure.

It was so quiet during your set, I could hear the guy painting. What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts. Come on, there must be more. How often do you do your laundry?

Oh shit, once every other week.

Okay.

Yeah, no, I just have like all like those pack t-shirts. So they all look the exact same. You don't have to try it all.

Give us another example though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life you know what it is see some people they get pulled out of the bucket during this interview part they don't want to you know they don't want to give give us anything good to work with they want to look cool so they can know perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on kill Tony well you

might as well get that out of the way so like what is it a shortcut I don't wear boxers ever Wow so there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls.

Yeah, six years, yeah.

Oh my God.

What'd you say? What'd he say? Six years?

Yeah, I haven't had boxers in six years. Wow!

Or seven.

Haircut in how long?

Six years.

What happened six years ago?

Now we're getting somewhere, Tommy.

You are.

Ask him what happened. You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago.

Oh, yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What happened six years ago?

It's just a great-

Oh, fuck, it was the pandemic. I just gave up.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. I just gave up. Oh, okay. I mean, nothing like serious. I didn't get diddled or... I was living with my mom. Life was easy. I don't know.

Living with your mom, just free balling.

Yeah.

Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that shit up.

Wow. That's incredible.

What's your living situation like? Three roommates.

Three roommates. How many bedrooms?

Four. How many bathrooms? Four.

Wow, look at you.

It's absolutely shocking.

Yeah, we all got our own bathroom,

our own shower, our own shitter. Wow.

Yeah.

But y'all share the same parent over.

Tonight was my turn. It's my night out. Y'all share the same pan over. Yeah, dude. Like a, yeah, no, in a car into a tree.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Can I take a guess that this was six years ago?

No, it was, that would make sense, but no, that was 2016 or 17.

Wow. And where, this was in Michigan? Oh yeah. And why were you going 90 miles an

hour? Because I had this job where I was like, I was there part, I was an auto shop and I was their parts bitch. So I'd have to run around and pick stuff up. And I got too high and I missed all my turns and they were on the phone just screaming at me like, you got seven minutes if you don't pick this up, you're fired, yada, yada. I was on a dirt road and just floored it. And then there was like a cross and this lady pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there.

So I just, I had to kill her, the tree.

Right.

You decided to kill the tree.

Yeah, man.

Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately?

No.

Wow. So they were going to fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Yeah.

That seems like the story of your life, Aaron Spaller.

It's something.

There you go.

Well, here's a little joke book, buddy.

Little one.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There goes Aaron Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show, very clearly. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving here.

Hey, Mike and I, Scott.

Oh, shit, there she is.

The lovely Heidi, everybody, has made it to the show, the one and only.

Watch her show, Love on the Line.

See you at all. L'chaim to your health. To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch Take a Banana for the Ride out now on Netflix.

Thank you, Tony.

Thank you for coming to opening night and everything.

It was awesome.

That was so cool. So cool. I found a cool picture of us backstage.

Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. and hilarious one man show. By the way, I tried it out in this room like three years ago. Oh, yeah.

I did some run throughs a couple of years ago, and some people earlier told me they were here.

So yeah, it's kind of a full circle moment, but I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by prize picks. The playoff push is heating up in tournament.

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Right now, do it, support the show. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Vanessa Scaduto, everybody.

♪♪

What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad, you know. It's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day though, I'm reminded of it. The other day I was driving down the road and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight and I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

All of a sudden I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far, sorry. Pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking road head, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it.

What else? Ladies, titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? A shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar.

Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a facial, guys. It's not. I know in your time, probably.

But what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery. But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's Vanessa Scuduto. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

Vanessa Scuduto. Welcome, Vanessa.

What's up?

How long have you been doing stand-up, Vanessa?

I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long, so like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary. Okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's a story of my life, dude.

Where have you been doing stand-up at? What hospice have you been doing it at?

Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not. Wow, okay. That's right. Give it up for Florida Comics. Fuck you guys, dude. We are fucking... We're the shit, dude. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Winning over the crowd with a classic, fuck you guys.

Yeah, I know.

Really turning around the momentum.

Sorry about that.

After that set.

Forgive me.

So you've been doing it seven plus years.

Do you get on Austin, Texas? Actually, I came here for my spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy, believe it or not.

Oh, you're in a cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes, you were right. I knew you were gonna, just like your parents

and your siblings told you, but yeah. Well, it's really just a community. It's not like we have a denominator. Ooh wee!

It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide,

ladies and gentlemen.

It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual.

Don't worry.

We just all wear the same outfits.

At least there's a record of this, right, if something happens? No, I mean, it's literally, you guys You guys may have even heard my mentor, her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast.

Okay, a lot of name drops and what not. Can you explain to us what it is?

It's basically just a community of different practitioners of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition.

What type of practitioning do you do? What's your specialty? I can do a lot of things.

I can do medium work.

I can do medium comedy I love it the great bumping mics yeah what

are you the tennis coach for those?

There you go. Who told you your master at the spiritual?

My buddy should have known you were getting pulled being a medium at all. Yeah Well, I didn't feel it in your I told him I was gonna get called

I did amazing amazing how you amazing how you psychics always guess it afterwards.

I know, we always know, right? Don't we always know?

Amazing, I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh shit, a cigarette. That's a first. That's a first. You can't make fun of it if you see that. That cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual

group. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Holy shit. This show is on fire today. I

just want to tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going

to put that out there. All of you guys do. Okay. So what kind of let's let's flex this medium work right now. Because we never get to do anything like that.

This is not how it's done, but okay, I'll try.

She's a real master improviser.

You are, aren't you? I'm not, actually. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay. I know, I'm sorry, but it's...

Wow.

You're crushing it, right?

You're doing great.

You're doing great. Can you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Keno, give me a spotlight. John Deas, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John.

Here we go.

I will tell you, there is something in the alley. And I think some of your doormen have seen something, movement in the back.

Okay.

Ask him.

Okay, hold on, no sound effects during this part. Ask him. I would ask him. What do you mean, ask him if he's seen movement?

The doorman had probably seen movement, like shadows and shit, in the back alley area.

You felt a presence in the alleyway?

Well, it's not necessarily a presence, it could just be residue, like energy.

Absolutely, there's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room, Keno, stick with me again, John Deas, give me fucking media music. The fuck is going on here? Deas, are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers? My super stoned fucking keyboard player, you made her fall asleep?

That's incredible.

That's amazing.

I'm sorry if I'm flashing my twat at any of you guys, I did not.

Apology accepted.

I know. Sorry if I'm flashing my twat at any of you guys. I did not... Apology accepted.

Alright, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Skidudo. Oh god, okay. Tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now.

No, I don't really sense anything.

OK, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before Medium-wise in which it was a breakthrough and which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful?

I mean, I have a daughter. Oh, my god. I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty

powerful.

How about the medium stuff?

I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was going to look like. I don't know what else to tell you.

Does she have brown hair and brown eyes? No, no. No?

You saw a blonde child. No, she is not blonde. Came out looking like Jeffrey Ross. Right, exactly. The nose was a little more smushed, but yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out.

Aw, okay. Why was her nose smushed? From your vagina?

Well, yeah, I guess I had a tight womb. Whoa.

So you're trying to push a- See, now that is something I wouldn't have guessed. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large. Well, I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age.

Okay.

So my daughter's in her 20s now.

Okay, cool. Yeah. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go, Vanessa, that you do? For the spiritual group? Do you have any special powers or anything? Yeah, a lot of them, we can do healings and stuff. You guys can- Liar! Wow, that's amazing.

Thank you, Rupert.

What type, what have you healed before exactly?

Oh, like if somebody, I know, this is, dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this shit up.

No, it's good.

Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guy's a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You can heal... You're killing the interview part. Yeah, I'm sorry.

You can heal almost anything, so it depends. Sometimes you can see...

Well...

Okay. I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras and shit. You can see when people's auras are broken. You can clear them for them, and you can remove certain energies. I mean...

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, yeah. But have you ever, is there anything you can cite? Something that you've done? Like, have you ever like, was there ever like a person?

Yeah, my friend Scarlett, I helped heal her. She's an artist here too in Austin, if you guys want to check her.

Her like spirit was broken? You're just keep name dropping.

She had a pain on her back and I removed the pain from her back. Oh my goodness. That's so you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves too.

Wow, I love that. Well, you all are mediums that have the power to heal.

You do.

You are divine beings, remember that. Don't let this shit fucking tell you different.

I love it, absolutely. Vanessa. Love you, Tony. I love it. There she goes Vanessa. She's gonna do though. Very cool, Vanessa. You're divine being yes You're divine. Thank you. Thank you, Vanessa We love all different shapes and sizes and she was vulnerable. She'd yeah if she was yeah, like I said, I love it That's why I say it's that the people

Watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview part. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Put your hands together for Michael.

-♪♪

I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. -♪♪ I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's because they'll make one video make in front of some dorks pronouns but then the next one they call themselves an Omega Sigma Alpha male and those are just pronouns for frat dudes

which is fucking gay AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete it's a real space race to see who can act human first and it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War 2, are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pucular, you know?

Every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women.

Michael Hynes.

Michael Hynes with a strong dismount. Yes sir. I love it. You've been on this show before I remember you. Michael Always Funny.

Yes sir. Thank you very much.

What have we talked about in your other interviews?

Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the Narbar. Oh that's right.

Yeah, torta. You don't know about this.

It's a sandwich.

That's... In what way it is, it's also a very thick Latina girl.

Oh, torta.

Very thick.

Got it.

Heck yeah.

Has that happened again since the last time?

No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again.

Oh, tell us about that.

Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed.

Wow.

The cops came 200 times?

To the leasing office. Apparently weed's legal for now, so.

Ah, very interesting. But they won't let me stay. Wow, do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

Yeah, what do they, do they, are they mean to you?

She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other.

Oh, great.

Awesome.

You love it. Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now. And you smoke indoors. You don't have a patio or anything like that. No, I blow it outside.

So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside.

Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway,

so might as well, yeah. You, like, blow it out of a window.

Mostly.

So when is your lease up? 69 days from today, I'm counting. Wow, okay.

And what are you gonna do? Have you been looking?

I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while.

Wow, and how would you save up money in New Jersey exactly? What would the plan be there?

I live near like a vacation spot so in the summertime I'd work there for a little bit grind it out and then probably get a worst job.

What do you do for work in New Jersey?

Well nothing. I live in Texas.

So the spot in New Jersey where is next to a vacation spot that's here? Or in New Jersey?

It's in New Jersey.

So what you just said you would go there work and grind it up I would work at like a bar or something. Oh, you have no idea. Yeah, no idea. Trying to make me look like an asshole. I was dialed in the entire time. I have no idea what I'm gonna do. You have no idea. on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on 18,000 and some change.

Yeah, I had a DUI.

Oh, wow.

Tell us about that.

It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps like three years ago. But since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for like two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like $12,000 in bills

and now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been like another two years since then.

$12,000. Where was the DUI at, in Jersey? Yeah, in New Jersey. What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here.

Long Beach Island.

Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey, Jersey. That's Jersey Shore, Jersey. Oh yeah.

I knew the cops that arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it.

How'd you know them?

I used to be an MMA instructor, and they were students in the class.

A couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA instructor. I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy.

And I, uh, shout out.

Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly.

Mostly eating at night. And this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone,

this is a sad place to be a lot of the time. I don't know if you see, but Red Band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds in the last three months.

It seems like all your problems actually stem

from smoking weed, by the way.

It was an alcohol DUI.

No, I mean from the weight and your neighbors,

your apartment, your...

That's probably true. Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh- How much did you drink the night of your DUI? Did you hit something or just...

No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o'clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long Beach Island, and it's a beach town. Remind me again, how did the cop know you again? Uh, I was an the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes.

And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to, because I could beat him up. And turns out, he could arrest me.

Wow.

He got me.

Did you say anything to him when it was going down?

Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put their knee on my neck, but you didn't see me complaining, but. Wow. They were scumbags, because once, they were trying to book me as fast as they can, because they said we got to get out there

and get more people. They were fucking pieces of shit.

Well, no, you could have killed somebody.

Well, it was just below the legal limit, or just above, rather. It was right there. I mean, I should be allowed. Right. I see. It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it.

But you were smoking weed that night as well.

No, I waited till I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble.

Right. You waited till you got home so you could blow it in the neighbor's vent.

That is true, yeah.

All right, Michael Hines, anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here? No, not really. All right, perfect. Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This fucking guy was in shape. MMA instructor probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life.

But you're like, I have to express myself on.

Yeah, I know. Come on. At least give me a big joke book. I did well.

Did you get one last time?

Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time.

You filled it up?

Yeah, did you hear how much I write?

All right, jeez, weez. Here you go.

This guy's gonna sell it.

Find that joke book on eBay in a couple weeks. 15 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the great Bones Eye, available at killmerch.com.

Hello!

This podcast is sponsored by IndieCloud. You know when some comedians bomb so hard the whole room goes silent? Getting a little buzz might be the only thing that makes that experience funny, and I'm not talking about beer or wine.

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All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter. ♪♪

I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer, so... I told a comic this recently. He was like, oh, was the guy, like, a real pedophile, or did you just, like, develop early?

Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile, or were you, like like a really sexy kid?

And I was, so you guys get it.

I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van. And then you finally do and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, this never happens to me.

Please don't tell your parents about this part specifically,

this shit is humiliating. And the kid has to console you, he's like, no, this is probably just because you had like too much of the Eucharist or whatever.

So.

Fuck yeah, right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you been on stand up?

Two years.

Where at?

Denver.

Nice. You still live there?

Nope, just moved here.

Sweet. How long ago? Like three months. Awesome! Absolutely incredible. Do you have like a day job or something?

Just like dumb chick shit.

Nice.

Not only fans. I have like a marketing job but it's boring. Comedy is the real goal.

Okay. Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin?

Yeah. I try to get like six or seven nights a week. Cool. Amazing. What do you do like for hobbies and stuff? Um, you know, more dumb chick shit, I guess. I just, yeah, like running and fucking jerking off,

all that stuff, yeah.

I love that. Incredible.

Redman, I thought you'd like that.

Yeah.

Give you some material for later.

You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday, so. Congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great You'll be real surprised But I did the show. I mean, it's just incredible Jeff Ross, are we gonna I I like that

You know, all your jokes were like connected like you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act

Thanks. Hey, yeah bars low. Appreciate it stayed on topic stayed in the pocket incredible Katie What else is going on in life? Yeah. Bars low. No doubt. Appreciate it. Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life?

Just moved here. It's cool.

You guys have a different, you have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver.

It's cool.

Yeah, it is a little, again, it's very concentrated, like here.

Yeah.

Well, it's different. Like, in Denver, if someone, like, asks you, like, to get them something from a gas station, you're, like, legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here, you can just say no and fucking shoot them,

so it's awesome.

It is.

It is very awesome. We take full advantage of that. Tony's like, there's only in certain places. Not in my hot tub.

Although there probably has been homeless people in your house.

Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin, no doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. A lovely Maggie, available at Fifth and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is though.

I mean that. Like there's like a four or five block stretch. Pretty much the street. Yeah. And they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in L.A.

or all of New York City. You know what I mean?

This is the worst plug for the mothership I've ever heard.

Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on Sixth Street, Seventh Street, and wherever the creek and the cave is. So like kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs,

there's just homeless people. And then there's homeless comedians, and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? You live by yourself?

I just under an underpass on I- No, I'm kidding.

It's...

No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing H here soon. So we'll see.

Doing what? Hairwood. Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl set up. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like...

You know, yeah.

Yep. Redman's gonna think about it later.

Oh yeah, he's thinking about it right now. Oh, he's got something to say.

Look at this.

What kind of posters or paintings do you have on your wall? Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You can tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12-year-olds over here.

Yeah.

You have My Little Pony.

Yeah.

Do you have any art?

Do I have any art?

Yeah, do you have art hanging on your walls?

You know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but so sorry. I can put up some Hello Kitty posters if you want.

If that would help you finish or whatever. You just have like one of those like stand-up mirrors that you got off Amazon? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. It keeps me going,

you know. Perfect. Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross. Tony has, uh, Tony has like Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house. I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote.

Because...

I get it, the man in the arena, but... I tried to, I wanted to make it funny.

It's inspiring.

It's very inspiring.

Every few weeks, every few months, Tony sends me the great Theodore Roosevelt poem,

The Man in the Arena.

It is true. It is true.

It's inspiring. It really is.

Do you ever have an Itachi?

Oh my God. Red band, you're not allowed to, every time there's a pretty girl on, you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is.

Do you have a Itachi?

Wait, what is that?

Oh, it's nothing. Television brand. Anyway, Katie Carter. Will you tell me on the secret show later? What kind of car do you have?

What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive?

Kia.

Okay, you think I'm a pussy?

That's fair.

No, I drive a Hyundai Elantra.

That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than a Kia.

Think I'm poor, Tony?

I mean, probably.

Yeah. Yeah, very likely. Is that Timmy No-Breaks jacket, by the way? They actually call me, uh, they call me Timmy No-Tits is my nickname around here.

Hell yeah.

That's unfortunate.

Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future. Red band?

Hi guys, if you wanna...

Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's the big joke. of a secret show. You did it. You're a dirty boy Brian Redman. You're a naughty naughty dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time to bring him out. He is incredible. You're gonna love him. He's blind. Put your hands up for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go.

♪♪

Shit. Is she even hot? -♪♪ I fucking can't wait for robot eyes, god damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's gonna put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy.

He calls it Neuralink. But he says the first version of it is going to look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for Tomb Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon

that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas. That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint

Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know I'm just gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the world this smiling skinhead piece of shit

blaring Kanye West out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem, dude

Done it again another brand new minute

Amazing stuff Chris I notice an amazing Amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic, and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot with Heidi? I hope this is real. Is what you said your first appearance on the show,

and immediately I fell in love with you, because obviously you could be anywhere, and it could be a bunch of people pranking you and it's just so darn funny for a guy that's blind you hit it right on the nose every time it is incredible Chris how's life going it's going

fucking good man just did fucking mushrooms at South by Southwest and listen to bands Wow what were the visuals like god I wish dude give me one color I would love anything right now dude it's as black as D. Yeah. Incredible.

Amazing.

Amazing.

So what was the band? When you took mushrooms and you saw, or heard what? Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah, no, we just popped around random spots. Like I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude. Yeah.

Don't know their name at all.

Amazing, amazing. That was at a festival, would you say?

South by Southwest, just like random bars around town.

It was cool.

Very cool, very cool.

A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot, and then just put me right next to a speaker. And almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're going to ruin my life.

Amazing.

I can't handle that.

Amazing, Chris. Tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind.

No, no. It's good. It's like, it's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses.

Oh, shit.

And I was like, no, no, no.

Right.

You don't want to see those on the drugs you're on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

These are bad ViBis, you know?

Amazing.

Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping? God damn it, dude.

God damn it, Red Band.

Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Red Band, asking the tough questions here today.

Give me a bidet sponsorship, all right?

It is a tough question, but...

Are me and D-Madness gonna do a ladders match at WrestleMania?

That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, do you ever go on dates or anything like that?

No, I don't, like, it's hard. It's hard meeting girls. The apps are just like, picture, picture, picture. Picture. Picture. Yeah. It'll like read me their bios.

Girls' bios suck.

It's like, Puerto Rican flag.

Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed. You know? Wow. Only when I like bump into girls in the world,

I'm like, oh, what's up?

I'm like, oh, what's up?

I'm like, oh, what's up? I'm like, oh, what's up? Wow. Only when I like bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, what's up?

Amazing. And remind us, how long have you been blind?

It's been like 10 years now.

Yeah.

And you had like, you had like easily detachable retinas.

Super easily detachable retinas.

And it kind of happened before and then it went all the way off.

Yeah, yeah, I had like one eye that like, they had to remove, because I just had like four retinal detachments and like a ton of like super painful surgeries.

But you did see for a while.

18, till I was 18.

Wow, so even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't see anything. Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is shit.

Is now dumber.

What?

What the fuck was that, dude?

I don't know what that was. No, it's not Redback. That wasn't Redback. That was a John Deas key. He's over there. So, OK, so there's no visuals, but you do have just

you only have your memory before 18.

Yeah, yeah. Like I can still see in my dreams, you know?

That's interesting.

Yeah, but it's all shit I saw before I went blind.

Right.

So it's like every night, my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like blind meets world. Or like fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird.

Can you- Or like Fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird. I'm black. Can you take us through, can you, for example, just like take us through like the most recent dream? Doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but everything's a 90s sitcom.

What is like the most recent dream that you remember?

I'll have like standup dreams about like, you know, doing comedy and every time it'll just be like me doing comedy and then I time it'll just be like me doing comedy. And then I think back when I wake up and I'm like, that was my lunchroom.

Whoa, you hear that? It really is a 90 second. It didn't work as good as I thought it would.

Yeah, I'll just be like running away from like monsters. And it's just like a hallway that I knew from fucking 10 years ago. Damn. That's incredible, Chris.

Um, alright. Well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris?

No, thank you guys so much. You guys rule, dude. Thank you so much.

Hold on. Chris Delio, you are the fucking man. Chris. Yeah, Jeff Ross. Hold on, yeah. Fucking Jeff Ross is here. Hold on, dude. I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross. Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross. What's he hiding from me?

Why is he hiding from me?

Right here.

He's been here the whole time.

Jeff Ross, you look like a... The one guy who can't roast me.

I love this.

No, dude, you sound like a Sesame Street semi. I think I get it. Chris, what's your last name? Cillio.

I'm going to remember you. How long have you been doing standup? Like, ten years. So about the time this happened to you, you decided, I need to channel it into something artistic.

Yeah, yeah, I was like figuring out what I want to do. Like, I was like first semester of college, and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcasts. And I was like, I had always wanted to be a standup.

And I was like, this seems like something I could do with minimal effort, you know? Just me and a microphone seems like right, a perfect amount of work for me you know yeah but your came out your minute was like killer that wasn't the first time you did that minute it was the first time you did it here you've been working yeah I work I can I can feel that and I think you're really good joke writer thank you so much and I know and I was wondering what

color your shirt is God damn it, dude. A testile will always fail. You are awesome. Give it up for Chris.

Chris Celia, ladies and gentlemen. A true golden ticket winner. Has done it again. Absolutely incredible. You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants the dried paintbrushes autographed,

he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. Alright, your next bucketful goes by the name of Michael Scott, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is.

I got a Roomba recently. He's black. He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie.

I push clean on him, and he goes up and down the halls.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Massachee, my battery's charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over, I'm like, watch your feet, Kunta's trying to get by.

So, the other day, I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall, and he's cleaning, and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up, and I go, the hell you will!

Whoosh!

Nobody said you could take a break. So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for three-fifths the price of one of those black ones.

Wow, Michael, stop pushing it to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set that only you could do.

Only me.

Amazing. You can get away with it. Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long you been on stand-up? Nine years, four months. Nine years and four months.

Amazing. And most of that here in Austin.

No.

Bakersfield, California. A little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of 23.

Okay.

Awesome. What do you do for a day job? I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job.

You're working valet too? This is the official show of valet drivers.

I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like quite a few. Okay. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. of valet drivers. I've gotten a lot of comics hired, like quite a few. OK. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after.

And I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron.

Yeah, I pulled names out of a bucket.

No, it was like, yeah, I know it wasn't you.

And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not like where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name.

I know.

It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's just pieces of paper. Oh, there's D-Madness, everybody. Your Roomba just came back. -♪♪♪♪ So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on?

Uh...

Your Roomba plays a hell of a bass. I got to tie in. It is absolutely incredible. Uh, did somebody tell him I was black backstage, and then he came?

Oh, I got to make it back for this one. Uh, yeah. I don't know.

What's going on in life, Michael?

In life, yeah, I lost-

You have a girlfriend?

No, no.

When's the last time you went on a date?

Let's say three months, maybe.

What happened there? Not great, just, I mean, it was all right. You met her online or something like that? No, just at a show. Just met her. Hung out. Got messed up. You had drinks? Yeah. And then what? You went back to your place?

Yeah.

And then what happened? Uh, they fucked her.

Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a romantic man. Straight to insertion.

Yes.

I was already unbuckling as we were driving out.

Amazing. Amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that? No. Why is that exactly?

Um, I don't know.

It just wasn't feeling it.

Just a white girl? Yeah.

Okay.

We gave it away.

It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you. Am I correct?

I think he's right. Yeah

Amazing stuff and you met her at just a regular open my Shakespeare and she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up?

Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, I've been kind of I don't know I've been doing comedy and then people come up to me and tell me, talk to me afterwards. Just lately I'd usually talk to nobody. I'd just do my thing and leave. Now I'm trying to hang out and make friends.

And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's?

I was drunk before, but at Shakespeare's and other places I walked around.

Okay. Very cool. Alright, Michael. What kind of car do you drive?

A 2019 Chevy Equinox. Very cool. All right, Michael. What kind of car do you drive?

2019 Chevy Equinox.

Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator?

A salmon.

Girl, he fucked three months ago.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, she's thawing out right now.

Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time? Guns, condoms, uh... Not in the same car, that's for sure.

Oh, that's different, different.

Nobody with guns is using condoms.

Um...

No way, Jose. That'd be absolutely contradictory to life itself.

Um, one person parked their car overnight and they had a German Shepherd that they left in the car, in a crate, in the bed, strapped down. He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it, but it stayed, yeah, and it was the winter too. I was very upset about that.

Was it like a Tesla that had dog mode on

or anything like that?

No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck.

It was a German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust. Because it was a German Shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Still not getting the laugh I think it deserves.

I can't really plan to do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance and it's still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was. Because the Jews were held captive by the Germans

in very tight quarters. Very tough situation. You said it was during the winter time? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It really doesn't get much more spot on than that.

Thank you.

There it is. There it is, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee, so that was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott, Fun Times. Yeah, you know, tremendously racist set.

That's why you're leaving here with a big joke book. Michael, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show, brother.

Thank you, Randy.

Lance Scott. Thank you, Tony.

♪♪ Bam-bam!

There he goes, Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here tonight. There he is, I knew it. We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set.

Your next bucket pool. Goes by the name of Eric Biggs, everybody. We're gonna watch them all together.

♪♪ What's going on there. Let's go out there. Let's go out there. Let's go out there.

Let's go out there. Let's go out there.

Let's go out there.

Let's go out there. You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. So, because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm gonna start the Midwestern Counseling Service. That's how I'm gonna go and reinvent counseling.

What it's gonna be is you're gonna come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car, it's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac, that's illegal, all right guys? That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just gonna talk and get drunk

all night long, have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. And then you'll look me in the eyes and be like, yeah, it got hard when Dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes, I'll turn up the radio

and say, shut up, pussy. And we'll move on. All right, I've been Eric Biggs.

Okay.

Is it okay if I go to the bathroom now?

That's fair.

That's fair.

Eric Biggs.

I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies.

Yeah, yeah.

I was a pro.

I kept trying. He said no. Wow, Eric, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Six years of attempting, Tony. God damn, six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute, a tough minute? Yeah, I don't know, it's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. It did not work. Six years where at? Mostly Missouri.

I started off in Columbia, Missouri.

And then where else have you been?

Been here ever since then. Been down here about three years.

Three years. OK, here's what I'm going to do. Because Eric, I'm telling you, I see it in you, dude.

Look at you.

You're built like a snowman. I am. You are just, you have a beautiful round head, you have a round body. He's built like a snow globe. I think-

Except for I'd never have a carrot in my mouth,

all right?

I think you could, they don't have it in there, that's their nose. That's their nose there.

That's-

I love your like super confidence with no talent at all.

It's like amazing.

That's what the Midwest is all about.

I love it. Yeah. What do you do for a living, Eric?

I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking at comedy, you know? Yeah. You do this, you do that all day and you go, you know what, I can eat shit on stage in front of people, that can't be any worse.

I just think that Pontiac thing, for some reason. Did you write that in Missouri? No, I wrote that down here.

Fuck. All right.

Sorry.

I'm really...

Sorry, he gave me an out. He said, just take it.

I'm gonna... I'm still... I still, and I might be wrong, but fuck, Eric, I... There's something behind those eyes. I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute, do a totally different minute. You got it, right? You've been doing this six years.

You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's better than where this was going.

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

Talk about, what are some of your bits and we'll tell you what are your I got some stuff about marriage I don't know. Have you been married? Yes, sir. I'm married right now You know what just run just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen one more time We're gonna start the clock a one minute from Eric Biggs everybody

Yeah, I just celebrated my one-year wedding anniversary, yes, it's uh, it's very nice It's nice to own you and still trick white women into making bad decisions. Like my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun, you know?

The worst part about it is, is I got married young, so you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young. Like, have you ever just been about to black out at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married.

She'll fucking take everything. You just gotta look at him and go, I live in a trailer, I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half.

Okay, perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute if that would be better than that minute.

So you live in a trailer?

No, sir.

Did you in Missouri? No, no, my parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way. Wow, incredible.

What do your parents do for work? No, no, my parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way. Wow, incredible. What do your parents do for work?

IT and a school teacher, middle school.

Amazing, amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand-up comedy?

Oh, they wish I made different decisions.

Did they like that you're an insurance salesman?

Yeah, yeah, my mom every time goes, it's OK, you can back out. None of them know you do this, it's okay.

Hell yeah, all right. And so, what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri, you're kind of like a, kind of like a, you have an American pie kind of family.

Yeah, yeah.

But yet you kind of dress like Jelly Roll.

Well, yeah. Yeah, this is what happens whenever you go to a Bass Pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

A $35 t-shirt will look cool on stage, you know?

Yeah, you know you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price?

Well.

I didn't know that until tonight. What was it? Giant silent blob? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh, so what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy happen? You good at any, you have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that like, uh, wins at like a vape competition or something.

Oh no, no.

I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I would never, I'd never vape. What am I, a coward pussy? No, I don't know. I think I got into comedy, like it's, you know, because usually everyone comes from like a broken home, or your dad beat the shit out of you, or whatever. I didn't have that.

I had a very normal family. I even had like my brother, so he decided, you know, I'm gonna give this kid some trauma, so he died in a drunk driving accident, to just really get me going.

You know, like a-

Party time. We all love a dead brother drunk driving story. A lot of, a lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the Kill Tony universe. Do not drink and drive.

Absolutely. universe do not drink and drive absolutely all right

do you eat and drive yeah seems it would be equally as dangerous

blacked out a couple times oh yeah see the peteri lights and you're like I got

to go all right on my way home all Eric, we're gonna keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again, keep writing. Prove your parents wrong. And maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in.

Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you talk a little fast and words get together and then, you know what I mean? Like take your time a little bit. Yeah. You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice.

And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute.

Yeah. You did it. Good. That was good. Eric Biggs.

All right.

Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the comedy store. He's been a paid regular at the comedy store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode of Kill Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the comedy store, now lives in

Austin, one of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester, make some noise for my pal Davey.

Yeah!

You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy, people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cocksuckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you it's superpowers and a large telewacker, cocksucker. People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it, because everybody's inquisitive as fuck,

does it look like I ever won a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school we had law mowing as a course fucking dickhead because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know man like you some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole as you go to work you dream about hitting a telephone pole.

As you go to work, you're like, man, I got six days of PTO, and I could just take this fucking light pole right now if I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health.

Fuck him.

Woo!

Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going.

Yeah, I'm gonna keep going. Just keep going yeah I'm gonna keep going just keep going you know how you know it's a shitty job when they tell you it's like your family I avoid my family my uncle is King tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday all right if you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman RV and you be like, hey Dave, why don't you get your life together?

He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost that cause he's fucking homeless. You want me to do some more time?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

Like, and where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy

because I'm from a town where people watch Parallel Parking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy until she came to a comedy show. She goes, David, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, Shannon, what do you think I had?

She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough.

That's...

David, you killed tonight, man.

Oh my God.

What's up, boy?

I love it.

Good to see you, my man.

Good to see you.

This is what I love about this show, is that sometimes you pull out someone that's a...

A real white trash, like the... Yeah.

The fucking asshole that fucking went to Bass Pro.

But...

I heard that little fucking fuck did it. I wanted to fight him, Tony.

Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a bitch.

I feel like cerebral palsy is like number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. son of a bitch, like. I feel like cerebral palsy is like number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like, it's not even a piece of it, right?

Yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now.

You are?

Yeah, well so, I decided to get, I was up in Minnesota and I like, I went to go sit in my car cause I was a little drunk. And then I had nine cops arrest me. And like, when you're getting arrested, Jeff,

don't have the fuck it button in your head. Cause I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was going to eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high that's

Might as well enjoy it. Yeah

The master class with Davey Wester. I love Davey you have your buttons mismatch yet AI robot. This is naysayz.

She's Korean, you racist.

Can you get me two golden tickets cause Ari Mattis, he, if I get that he'll take me to the wellness clinic and fuckin' help me out like I won't have cerebral palsy anymore. I'd just be a downsy son of a bitch.

I don't think there's enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby.

No, I'd get you. I'd get you. I like seeing blind people. I don't trust you, but...

Davey, you are on fire. but... Exactly. It's a testament to the times. The comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of very pessimistic, negative people. And you were roommates with a lot of them. And you fucking...

Oh, please don't. Oh, you want to talk about Cokehead? Okay.

I mean, the crew was absolutely insane that you lived with. And meanwhile, you were always funny. Somehow, you were almost always positive and optimistic in a very, very dark time. And it meant the world to me and the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s starting out there.

We always looked up to — believe it or not, we looked up to Davey as a bigy. That's a sad state of affairs.

When I'm a fucking hero.

But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of LA and you've like kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas.

Well, me and Holtzman went to a rodeo.

Oh my God.

Can you imagine?

Even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together.

Well, it started off-

What could go wrong. That's like OJ and Cosby sharing a cell together. Yeah.

Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic. Because that's what, and then he, I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me, he yelled at me for not having a handicap

placard that I carry around.

He thought he was gonna get good parking. Yeah. That's why he brought you. Oh my god. Everywhere we went he goes I have a god. I almost fainted just then. Oh god. I really pigged. You're not tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding. No, all these stories are true. So you can look

it up. Go to the Eiffelata, Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is what they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is from my area, too.

Yes, yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody, and I've blown a few people's minds like this, I'll be like, where are you from? They're like, the state of Washington. And I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like if they have one eye here and one eye there,

I'll be like, you're from near Euphrata. And they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds. But they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington.

Yeah, you just have to, like, you have to understand there's a nuclear plant, okay?

Yeah. I love it, Davey.

I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories because, you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a this, you're not a sketch, you're not trying all these things. You're a fucking pure stand-up comedian, the kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever, you know what I mean? Eat mushrooms? Well maybe I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you

Davey. I kind of I'm very I'm highly sensitive already. The buttons thing alone would fuck me up the entire time. First thing I would do is be like Davey get over here let me up the entire time. You know what, I've tried my best. First thing I would do is I'd be like, Davey, get over here, let me fix this for you.

Take off his clothes.

I got a pair of overalls, it was very cheap.

No, I tried the overall thing, that didn't really work out for me.

What happened? Well yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything comes out. Yeah, and I'm fine with that. Uh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. You are the fucking man, Davey Wester, and now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show.

Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. He's been doing comedy, comedy like at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in LA. He's the man. He's the man. The original.

The original fucking cerebral palsy fucking super powerful comedian. The cleanser Heidi's. Yeah, the sage of the room. To get your penises out from inside of you after staring

at Davey Wester for 10 minutes, here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels everybody. Go to HeidiRegina.com. It's all good. Oh you got it? Okay. There's a 50-50 shot at it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi everybody? Alright back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Victoria Lang.

Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.

So I'm a pole dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name, like Miss Honey Bun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm not but if I was I would have a really cool name like miss honey bun it's because I'm sweet I'm dense and after a couple bites I really taste like nickels it's like a cup holder a loose change yeah I I have a boyfriend and he's a little bit of a freak so he likes it he's into this

thing it's called sounding it's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah, at first I was like, ooh, too, I was like, ooh. But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh, eh, eh, in the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Urethra Franklin,

and our relationship has been great. Our relationship's been great ever since.

Thank you.

All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria.

Thank you.

It's your first time on, correct?

It is.

How long you been on standup?

Three years.

Three years, all of it here in Austin Texas. No I'm from Connecticut slash New York.

I do a lot of comedy over there.

Okay. What part of Connecticut exactly?

Like Hartford County. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a fun fact about Connecticut. Well it is literally a freeway. The state is a freeway. Uh, there's a very, very, very extremely fancy part Greenwich and around where of course, like, you know, the McMahons live and the WWE started. And then there's where you're from.

Right, yeah, not over there.

Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut.

Oh, it's like, it's the shits. Got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's, I would say we have the best comedy, I think, in that

part of Connecticut, you know?

Oh, in Connecticut, you have the best part of you have the best comedy in Connecticut.

In that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of shit like me. Yeah, so they

get me more.

Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of shit? What do you mean? What are some pieces? some shitty things about Victoria Lang. Give us the dirt. Some shitty things about me? Other than your nickel pussy.

Yeah.

I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I'm kind of like a, I'm a little bit of a hater, self admittedly. And I say a lot of things and I regret it immediately. I go, I regret that.

When you, are you talking about like online or just like no in person? I'll be like ah that person's a fucking asshole, and I go oh, why did I say that type of thing Wow? Yeah, is that ever backfired on you is it yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like Connecticut's most hated so that's what happens Wow incredible

Yeah, your boyfriend likes you he loves me. How long have you been with him?

I've been with him for two years, and he's a comedian as well so he gets it. You guys live here now? No we're just visiting. Okay did he sign up as

well? Yes. Okay we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer how long have you been pole dancing? I've been pole dancing you know I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy to put it that way. Okay. Yeah. Alright. So you fall a lot. Yeah, I'm falling. Yeah, yeah. But you make it to the top of the pole and the bottom of the pole. Yeah. Because you're bipolar.

Do you ever straddle the microphone stand? I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do

kind of something like that. But I think I got Tony made me nervous. No, it's okay. It's

alright. Don't be nervous around me. What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself?

That's correct.

Um, Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

Yes, I make comedy music. That's, I would say, my forte.

Okay, that's your specialty. Yeah. Do you have, like like a song in your head that you've written that's original to you?

Yeah, I do.

Okay, what's it about?

So I have a couple. I have one about storming the Capitol.

Let's just do one.

Okay.

Right, just take it slow.

You have one about storming the Capitol?

Yeah, and I have another one that I really love

about dating while living at your parents' house. Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a D G A C?

D G A C?

It goes like this. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. Something like that.

Okay.

I feel like if you play me kind of like a beat, like I can like follow it type of thing.

Yeah, they got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like boom?

Here she is ladies and gentlemen Victoria Lang everybody here we go first spotlight. Thank you. All right here we go I

Woke up today in the pink room in the pink room that I grew up in My mom takes out the trash like she always does

I, I check my phone, I got a text The text is from my mom, even though she just left It says at least one of us is getting some Oh my god, my mom saw the condom in the trash But that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house Take it up! There is a feeling you can't hide

When your mom's seen your boyfriend's white inside But there's really nothing I can do when our economy is in the tubes. And maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment, but until then it'll be us. And also my mom, cause this is her house. I Woke up today in the blue room in the blue room that I grew up in My mom wakes me up for work like she always does I usually text when I have a girl over but last night was different I guess

my mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked like me and my mom we're close but not that much and now she's caught me with my balls out. Chorus! There is a feeling you can't hide When your mom's seen your dick's receding hairline But there's really nothing I can do

Unless I shoot a CEO or something, too And maybe one day We'll live in a trailer park or something great But until that day It'll be us And also our moms.

Take it down for a second. And let's not forget about my stepdad. Sometimes when we're getting in some med, and I'm in my stepdad, I can hear him farting through the walls, cause I share it with my bathroom. Same wall.

Please don't look at the stain. 20 year old cat died my senior year of high school It's not that noticeable Unless you look at it. You gotta walk by really fast There are some sounds you cannot hide even when the TV volumes real high my whole family Here's young Sheldon and you that's how they all know I'm getting screwed And yes I said

Young Sheldon I know that might be inappropriate But it gets me hot so fight me outside Bazinga bitch

That's the end of my song! Wow!

Yeah! I am out of!

Wow! My mind is blown! This is a great band looking to see if she's gonna get booked in the Secret Show. Wow! Victoria Lang! I gotta tell ya, I did not see that coming. That was actually like a good song, not a comedy song, that was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song.

Thank you, I wrote it.

That's amazing, and I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there, they feel the energies, and just roll with it. And you, I've never actually seen anyone conduct them so perfectly.

Thank you, I have that lighter.

They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. Thank you so much. Every single one of your leads, it was incredible. You're so ADD, you're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing, Victoria.

Comedy music is definitely your thing.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's great.

Oh.

You have more stuff available online or something? Where can people find you at?

At Victoria Does Comedy. There there you go only fans also I used to have a Playboy account, but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money that happens that happens

Victoria when all you can do is sing that happens But you are very talented you really got lost in it when you were sitting down I was so impressed when you're commanding the band it's like a fucking it's like a real real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy and exactly Jeff just said showmanship I mean you really came out you know what I mean and and that was incredible congratulations Victoria line the set was okay but after that amazing

performance you're leaving here with a big joke book here you go so much all Victoria Lang, the set was... Okay, but after that amazing performance,

you're leaving here with a big joke book. Here you go.

Thank you so much.

All right, there you go. Sure.

Whoo!

Do I leave now?

What?

Or do I stay?

You're gone.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

♪♪

Anything can happen here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a show filled with magic sometimes. Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLoughlin, everybody!

♪♪ everybody

uh...

i was at the airport yesterday i was thinking you could just point at anybody in here and yell that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right? They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably going to put a finger in you after because you said that.

Which could be fun, like, if you're into that. That's, like, your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now, you know? I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fuckin'...

Check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass and then TSA is like holy shit that guy was gonna blow up the plane 200 lives saved because of you you're a fucking hero and you'd be sitting there like fuck I don't think he's gonna check my ass. What a set from beginning to end.

Eric McLaughlin.

Hello.

Welcome, my friend. Very funny. How long you been on stand up?

About a year and a half.

Wow. Incredible.

Where at? Here.

I'm a local. Born and raised in Austin?

Well, no, I've been on the show before.

I moved here when I was like 12.

Wait, what?

I moved here when I was 12 years old.

Oh, got it.

Yeah, sorry.

I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12.

No.

No, not that.

Amazing, amazing. Okay, where were you at before you were 12? Just out of curiosity.

I was in California.

Okay.

Yeah, San Jose.