KT #764 - THEO VON + JELLY ROLL

I'm sorry. We the best in the land, and you are now rocking with the Kill Tony Band.

Say we the best in the land, and you are now rocking with the Kill Tony Band. Hey, this is Redneck Comedy Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony!

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♪♪

Welcome to The End, everybody. It's a storytelling show.

Me and my comedian friends, we all tell true and really terrible stories.

Into a toddler's face.

Wild.

Face sometimes.

Regretful.

Every STD.

Horrible.

I'm gonna fuck you up.

An amazing story.

We just got started.

I'm gonna stop the terrorist. You're in trouble Mr. McNally, huh?

This is gonna be a good night.

It's gonna kill us all.

I'm about to be fucked.

I am.

You should be in jail.

Hey man, are you okay?

I actually do well.

You don't fucking talk to me, okay?

I am a disciple of the Lord. The Lord how did I get here? Oh did this happen? That's a good question

You guys ready to start the show

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single episode I book, and this one is very, very special. Two of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. One is one of the biggest comedians in the world, the other one of the biggest musicians in the world.

Two of my favorite human beings, two of your favorite human beings. One has a brand new movie coming out this Friday, the other one just won a shit ton of Grammys and every award humanly possible known to man. Ladies and gentlemen, is in the house. Oh my god.

This is Phil Tony. Fuckboys out this Friday.

Oh yeah.

It is going down, ladies and gentlemen. Theovon's new movie, Busboys, out this Friday, April 17th. Jelly Roll and I, together, are doing the Greek Theater in Los Angeles May 8th, and he's here in Austin on April 23rd.

How cool is that?

We have some big plans for the future. Theo, you're the fucking man. Welcome back to Kill Tony.

Yeah, thanks for having me. Nice to see everybody. Happy evening. Yeah, man, I'm excited to be here. And yeah, excited about the movie coming out this week. So that's that was something Yeah, so I'm definitely I'm a little bit nervous, but I am excited and that's what I'm doing

We are very excited to have you here go out and see the movie busboys in theaters If you do more comedians like Theo will be able to make their own movies without the big Giant studios and all this crap and people in the way and it can happen more often We'll get back to making real comedies that you can go see in movie theaters. Wouldn't that be great?

Yeah, thank you guys. Go Theo go! Yeah, we made it ourselves. So we'll see how it is

It's better than a lot of bad shit, that's right Theo's been on the show numerous times. Jelly Roll has been a musical guest multiple times, but it's Jelly's first time on panel tonight, everybody.

Hey!

This is the first thing he's done since the Grammys.

Yes, long time listener, first time caller.

I love it. Well, let me just remind all of you, about 250 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. We're not gonna get through all of them, but if we get through any one of them,

they get 60 seconds on this stage to attempt stand-up comedy. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else eventually they bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. which just interrupts their set. I conduct an interview, the entire thing is improvised, anything could happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first fucking pool, we're gonna start the show with one of the regulars on the show.

That means this young man has the very, very tough job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week on this show. Not easy at all. It scares a lot of people, the thought of that. And he does it, and above and beyond, every week. Starting off tonight's show,

he's formerly the Dark Storm of Atlanta. He's now the Dark Storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

♪♪ What's up, y'all? Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me and they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No, nigga, you bought it. That's yours now.

If I leave a dog outside and you adopt a dog, it's not on me to feed the dog, right? That's not America. That's your debt now. I know Sprint, nigga. I don't know you. I know Sprint, nigga. I don't know you.

I know Sarah had Sprint. Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting something on it. Jefferson Capital, nigga, I can't even Google y'all. I'm never gonna... What the... What kind of a stupid-ass company buy debt from other people. That's the same niggas that go online

and they feed the homeless on HD cameras.

What kind of shit?

You think I'm gonna, nigga, I see Sprint commercials every day and I go, oh, them niggas, they'll never see it. I don't, how dare you come to me? Like, Jesus didn't even, when Jesus paid for our sins, that nigga never sent me an email being like,

the adultery that you made last year.

That's my time, I thank you very much.

Wow, he's done it again. A brand new minute 30, working overtime, Dedrick Flynn. How fucking awesome is that?

That is fucking...

You have another one. You never take a week off.

Never.

And you just keep doing it. Every time I bring you out, I get a little more nervous each time and I have nothing to be afraid of.

You gotta let that shit go, don't you? I don't duck no smoke.

I wanna come out here and rip every single fucking time. I absolutely love it, Dedrick. Buying debt is something that happens, yet I've never heard anyone joke about it. Fantastic new material. Absolutely incredible.

I'm trying not to cry right now, my bad, Tony.

Just...jelly...nicks.

Black people love sweets.

Yeah, we do.

We do.

We do. We do. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Did you dye your hair?

Oh.

Oh.

So it looks like shit on purpose.

All right.

Ah, come on.

I'm not doing that. That's a joke. I don't roast. That's not me. Be nice, Dedrick. Be nice to the guest. I'm sorry. That's like a pit. Jelly roll It mean a lot for me to see you tonight because you do songs one of my best friends that told me to start doing Comedy Teddy swims and we were both just too broke motherfuckers in South Side Atlanta. He told me to start doing comedy

I told him to start doing a band and now look at both of us who live in our fucking dreams. Let's go! The dad shit is crazy to me.

Teddy is the homie homie, too.

I love you, Teddy, baby.

But you're a kid.

Teddy!

Ha ha!

That's funny.

How come you become friends with Teddy Swim, since you can't?

We're just friends.

We're just friends. We're just friends.

We're just friends. It's not my fault I can't. I just never had the opportunity when I wanted to learn. Because you only want to learn swimming at the early ages. After that, it's just drowning or not drowning.

Right.

And so that, but he wasn't swimming. He was just Teddy when he was growing up. It was always like Teddy and Daddy. Like it's my homeboy. Because when I met him, he was Jaden. And then he went by Teddy, and it was always like Teddy and Daddy coming out.

And like in South Side, we were always like running around with the same crews and stuff like that. But he was just singing, like just like open mic karaoke. And I was like, bro, you have the funniest person I ever met. You need to do something with it. So that's what honestly, it kept me going through signing up for Killer Tony 39 times. It's just like, the day I got picked, when I walked out of the Uber,

they were playing loose control and I was crying and being like, if my best friend can make it, I can make it too. We drank the same water.

We ate the same food. Yeah, we fucking grubbin' that. It's just a beautiful fucking thing. Sounds like a Jelly Roll award acceptance speech happening.

Testify, baby.

Testify.

The NIDA.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Ha ha ha.

Gave us a little Jesus.

Yeah, I gave a lot more Jesus than that. I said we was in South Atlanta.

Woo!

We was sitting over there with nowhere to go. Ha ha ha. We were sitting over there with nowhere to go. Drinking the four locos with the caffeine in it. I said drinking the four locos with the caffeine in it. I said drinking the four locos. We didn't hear you pastor.

I said the five.

I said, I said not a little bit I said all of the caffeine

Wow

Unbelievable Dendrick you got the show started yet again Unbelievable work and it has begun And now We begin the amazing Adventure In to the bucket we go And now we begin the amazing adventure.

In to the bucket we go. This is where anything can happen. Could be the next great talent, could be the next crazy person that signed up for the show without preparing. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket full of the night.

Michael A. Keaton, everybody. Michael A. Keaton.

You know how embarrassing it is Michael A. Keaton, everybody. Michael A. Keaton. ♪♪

You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman and have him hobble out here like the penguin? Oh, man. It's an interesting life. So many people, they assume that they know what my politics are gonna be. They're like, look at this guy.

It's like, he has to lean right.

Oh, man.

You guys are fun.

I became a homeowner recently. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. It's a rav4.

Oh, man.

I live in it, so it's more of a rav4, okay? I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point, I think, like, my favorite candy now are cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavored Jolly Ranchers, you know? I've hit the point in my life where it's like,

I'm pretty sure the only reason I masturbate is for prostate health, you know? Like my partner walks in on me, he's like, what are you thinking about?

I'm just sitting there like, cancer.

All right, thank you.

Hell yeah, Michael A. Keatson. This is your Kiltson-y debut, correct? Yes. I'd remember if I'd seen you before. Theo, what do you think about this guy?

Yeah, I think he's great. Um, I think, sorry, that's just a reaction. Let me think what I think. No, I think it's crazy to have a wooden leg and look like a guy who could make a wooden leg.

Yeah, you do have cobbler energies. There's no doubt about it.

Oh man, thank you.

What's your injury?

A lot of them, actually. Okay. Uh, a lot of them, actually. OK. Like, you know, it's like I've got a snap fashion, one foot, like, you know, like spinal injury, shoulder scarring,

a bunch of things. How did this all happen to you?

Were you in sports or something?

I did heavy, heavy manual labor for a long time.

What kind of manual labor?

Probably building data centers.

Absolutely.

No, I, like, I threw mattresses for a while. And after that, I worked in a flour mill, throwing flour bags and whatever else they needed.

Wow.

Amazing.

What?

What?

What?

Were you at a bakery?

Oh, no.

Who was asking you to do that?

I'm sorry, Tony. No, it's good. Who was asking you to do that?

Oh, it was whoever managed the flour mill.

Your partner, Luigi? Yes.

No, he was jumping around too much.

It was...

Hell, yeah.

How old are you?

41.

41?

You look great, man.

Thank you.

Yeah. Um, what do you do now? Uh, I limp.

All right? do now? I limp. I'm on a disability. Okay. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. How long you been doing stand-up? You know that shit, bro. How many people in your neighborhood was getting that wobble check? Motherfucker, bro. They fucking used to tape one of my buddies eyes closed till it didn't work and then they got that check on him. Everybody was getting that dummy check.

And he could have just threw flower bags.

Sorry, carry on.

But yeah, about six years.

About six years, you've been doing standup, where at?

Kansas City.

Okay, that's where you live? Yep. What made you set up camp in Kansas City?

I was born and raised, yeah.

Okay, you have family there still?

Absolutely, yes.

Your family loves you?

I hope.

What ethnicity are you?

I'm white.

And what made them name you Michael if your last name's Keaton? Did they just think it was funny or something?

I was born before that guy was famous. That's not even his real name.

His real name's Michael Douglas.

He's 41, you're 41? Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, Mr. Mom was out, right?

Mr. Mom, yeah, it was a huge movie.

Yeah, your parents are fucking with you. Michael Keaton was one of the most famous people exactly when you were born.

Right?

They don't exactly have their thumb on the pulse, man.

Right. Okay. Alright. So what do you do for fun, Michael E. Keaton? Do you have any hobbies? Do you look like the kind of guy that has a wild collection of denim hats or something like that?

I can only afford the one. No, I like pretty much at this point, it's just stand up. Like I did music for a long time, but I've got nerve damage in my hands.

So I had to give that up.

You were playing guitar or whatever.

Yeah.

What did you sing when you did music as well? No, no, no, like I have terrible like anxiety like you like you like the Coming to the microphone is like a big deal for me how much nerve damage you got Good question. Yeah, everybody's wondering. I'm gonna ask it Like can you shuffle cards or whatever? How much you talk?

I

Don't like enough. I had to quit playing. It was, yeah. I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, it's fine. Like, you know, this is way more fun.

Yeah.

What can you do that you're grateful that you can still do?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Eat.

Eat.

Okay.

Yeah, it is. Another eat and disabled person, huh?

Hell yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So how'd you end up in Austin, Texas tonight? You come down for this or like?

Yeah.

Like, there's only so much opportunity in Kansas City. I came down to check out the scene.

I really like the people here.

Did you drive or take a bus?

I live in a car.

You live in a car?

Yeah.

Yeah.

The RAV4 thing was real.

OK.

Amazing. Well, that's fun. You sleep in the back seat, or do you tilt back the driver's seat?

I built a bed in the back.

Wow, look at you.

Fuck Palace.

You ever bring a girl back to the RAV4?

It would destroy it.

It would what?

It would destroy it.

Well, it depends on how big she is.

I'm big enough.

Fair.

And do you lay in there? And if you ever lay in there and listen to Jelly Roll,

you listen to some Jelly Roll up in there?

That was the question I had.

Do you know any Tech N9ne songs?

Yeah, I'm a big fan of your songs.

So if I go, KC Moe... Oh! Respect. All right, I fuck with a lot of respect.

Just short enough of a song that we don't get dinged by YouTube.

Ha ha ha!

Perfect. Michael A. Keaton, fun times. You did it. You got through it. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. Michael A. Keaton, ladies and gentlemen gentlemen and we're gonna keep it moving along oh yeah there's the lovely Heidi and Val ladies and gentlemen amazing

it's gonna be the most watched part of the episode right there. How about one more time for Heidi and Val, their podcast Love on the Line available at HeidiRegina.com and the show goes on. Hello there, our dear friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard, it's terrifying.

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Right now get 10% off at tocovas.com slash killtony when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at t-e-c-o-v-a-s dot com slash killtony. tocovas.com slash killtony. Seaside for details. Tocovas. Point your toes west. On your next buckin' poll, we know her funny lady goes by the name of Sherry Basiji, everybody. Sherry Basiji.

Thank you. Oh my God, did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on 6th Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat? So I am originally from Iran, Nebraska.

I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know that same sign in the Middle East reads no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Spheres in my head and it won't go. Spirits in my head and it won't go.

I got guns... And then another sign right under that that reads, not responsible for lost limbs.

Meow.

I got guns in my head and it won't go. Oh, you missed a stone. Oh, you missed me.

All right, Sherry. Thank you. Welcome back, Sherry Vesegi. Welcome back, Sherry.

Theo?

Yeah, you know, I was wondering what had happened to MIA.

Um...

You look lovely and I, yeah, I, I, I, I like a lot of the stuff and, um, yeah. And I am, I am honestly tickled to see you.

It's amazing.

Sherry, remind us, how long you been doing stand-up?

This may well be three years.

Three years.

And you are Iranian, correct?

Yes.

So how do you feel about everything that's happening?

How do you feel about it?

Let's be honest here, Sherry. Let's get honest.

Yeah, Sherry, tell us the truth. No, seriously. How do you feel about us lighting up your country?

Well, I think they're doing it for the freedom.

That is true. That's what we'd say.

Yeah, exactly. But does it feel like that's what's happening or does it feel like, what's happening now?

It's blowing up in my ass now. It's for the right reasons. And I think there's always going to be casualty when you know, you're trying to do this is 47 years in the making. So I'm excited for

the freedom that's about to come. Yes, without a doubt that see, that's what happens when you check in with a real Iranian instead of the local news. Right. And you visited there, you go there sometimes?

My immediate family's here. After my mom passed away, I just no longer had a reason to go back.

Right. How did your mom pass away?

No, my grandma. My mom is here.

But who killed her, you're saying? If it's Israel, it's Israel.

My mom's alive. She's still alive? My mom is. Grandma, we're asking about grandma. She died natural causes.

Natural causes, yeah.

I am sitting down.

Okay, so Sherry, where do you live now?

Austin? Yeah. And you just do stand up for a living or?

I'm not doing it for a living, but I would love to. But, so what do you do for a living? I do paralegal work from home, okay?

Yeah, very cool. It's very convenient

Paralegal yeah pair airplanes hit our towers a few years ago people like you Love it Sherry, what do you do for fun? Tell us all what you do for fun.

Not much. I mean, I need to put myself out there and start dating, but just keep.

You are an Iranian mountain cougar, a very rare bird.

That's right, I like tall, white, younger men. Yeah, let's not forget about that.

You like younger men, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Whoa.

Whoa there. But I did just recently join a Middle Eastern dating app. Yeah, it's called.

Uh oh.

Guess who?

Amazing.

You're adorable, Sherry. Last date you went on, what was that like? What? Well, the last date that you went on. Last time you hung out with a man. Last time you let someone into your sand pit.

It was weird.

We had interest and we kissed and then I kind of waited and waited and he waited. And it feels like the interest just kind of dissipated. Like if you don't move on it, there's a window that opens and then it closes, so you gotta move fast.

Yes, absolutely.

And this bitch is old, so I didn't move fast enough.

That's okay.

What are you saying?

No, I'm saying that's okay. You're fine, he's probably fine wherever he is. I don't know, fuck him, to be honest with you. But He's probably fine wherever he is. Yeah. I don't know. Fuck him, to be honest with you. But he's probably a great guy.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna sit back down.

Where'd you guys make out at? In a car, at your place?

No, just whatever show that we were doing at the end. We kissed and stuff. And then we kissed again. I mean, sometimes we kiss. Okay.

Yeah.

Look at that.

That's good. Incredible, absolutely. Sherry, any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting? Really, nothing?

Like digging and digging, there's just not much.

What's the craziest thing you have in your refrigerator?

What's the greatest thing?

Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator that we would find odd. Like me, right now, at this very moment, I have pickled carrots, pickled jalapenos, pickled pickles. There's a pickling guy at the local farmer's market, and I have a lot of pickled things in my fridge,

an odd amount of pickled things. Now it's your turn.

Soy chicken. It's good your turn. Soy chicken.

It's good.

Soy sauce on chicken. Let's check in with our senior refrigerator correspondent, Jelly Roll.

Fake! Did you say soy chicken or soul chicken?

No, soy chicken, like fake chicken.

Oh, I thought you said soul chicken.

I thought you said sword chicken. Yeah, I thought she said sword.

Like sword fish.

No, soy.

What's your, uh...

All chicken is soul chicken, right?

Right.

Okay.

What?

All right.

What's your favorite kind of music?

My favorite kind of what?

Music.

Music? Oh, um, house music.

Whoa, look at that. Whoa. Yeah.

Wow. Oh shit. Oh, my goodness. All right, that's enough.

OK, that's enough.

That's enough.

Sherry, fun times. You did good. You're leaving here with a brown joke book just like you.

Boom.

Whoa, good catch, Sherry.

Thank you.

Wow.

She made eye contact with me on that catch. Theo. Theo's a sweet boy. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. It's Ethan Griggs, everybody.

Ethan Griggs. All right.

Woo, how we doing? Man, at the end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, the only reason they have kids is to like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor.

Well, I was an only child and a fuck up at that. So when my dad died, that's why the farm into cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that, so when my dad died, that's why the farm failed, and I'm out here doing comedy fucking that up, too. It's crazy, though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection.

And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection, and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing like Can't even raise my hand cuz it's busy like shit. I'll tell you what I don't I Don't think I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy though, man.

I had a very untraumatic childhood. Like I didn't get molested cause I wasn't in the church of the scouts. And the only relative that might've molested me was too busy fucking goats to give me the time of day. I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor would I want to.

I guess that's my time. I heard a little meow, so.

All right. Right on. Our second preacher of the night, Ethan Griggs. Exactly.

Welcome, Ethan.

Shit, is this really Jelly Roll?

Holy shit, man.

Hey, nice to meet you.

I felt the same way when you walked up.

I was like, my people are here.

Hell yeah, dog.

Fuck yeah.

And then you started talking about being poor

and drug addiction. and I was like, this is my kind of guy. Hell yeah. And then you said you bought your dad porn and I was out. Yeah.

Look at it.

Look at it.

Fuck yeah.

Good to meet you, sir. Killer set. Thank you, sir.

I appreciate that.

Hell yeah.

Welcome. Where is Cattle Mills, Texas?

It's about an hour northeast of Dallas. How long you been trying to stand up? Like I did it a little bit before the pandemic and I got back into it about 2023, started taking it seriously. So now I'm here, I guess.

Yeah, you look great. I like, I'm happy to see you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh shit, Theo Vaughn's here too.

Motherfucker.

Yeah, I was right here.

Damn, you fucking really are.

That's dumb.

I am.

I never seen nobody before in cattle mills. I'm not used to seeing nobody of any status whatsoever.

I'm not.

Nobody molests me. I don't get to see celebrities. What do you do for work?

How long?

I'll tell you what he does. He's a sorcerer. He's a freaking. He's a rural businessman.

He looks like he sells used karma.

This is pretty much close.

Very close.

I work at a Circle K, actually.

Do you really?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah, I love it there.

Hell yeah.

I do.

You look like the kind of customer that would come in at a Circle K.

Yeah. We used to spend time in that bitch.

We wouldn't just come in and just do our shit and dip. spend time with y'all. No, no, most people do. Most people just don't know how to fucking leave. Like, they'd be in there for 30 minutes just figuring out how to work the coffee machine.

Do they hang out in the parking lot, too?

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Well, the other night, somebody shut the fucking pumps off and shit. It fucked me all kinds of up. I didn't know what the hell was going on. And they got a lot of gay dudes running up in there too. They do, no, I almost saw a bump fight with a trans and a fucking homeless person. It was crazy.

They have trans in Cattle Mills, Texas?

No, this is in Austin. Oh, okay. I've been in Austin for over nine years. No, they didn't have that shit in Cattle Mills.

I'm talking about gays, bro. I ain't talking about all the same to me. Shit, I don't know. Fuck. Well, bro, you don't even fucking know he was here, bro. You don't know he was here, bro.

You could be two inches from a guy.

I couldn't believe it. Hey, there's so many looking-like celebrities in this city. Like, that's just some long bullshit. I never know. Shit.

Hell yeah. They got a lot of gay dudes out there trying to get that fucking fake CPR out there.

Yeah, exactly.

That's true.

Crazy.

It's rough out here.

So what did you do for work before the Circle K?

I worked at a television station. Wow. CBS and Telemundo.

Oh my goodness.

Yeah, I just recently quit that job this month, and I tried to do a sales job, and I sucked at that. And so I decided to quit that and then just do Circle K.

Circle K.

And then now I deliver laundry, too. So I got all kinds of, whatever makes money, I don't know.

What do your parents in cattle mills do for work when they're not-

Well, my dad's dead.

For a picture with a pitchfork in front of the house. Yeah, my dad's dead, yeah. My dad's dead too, Theo. My dad's alive. Had a heart attack last week, but he's good.

My dad's cool.

He's cool.

And my mom, I don't really know what she, she does something with insurance. I don't exactly know what the fuck, she works from home, so she wasn't a farmer though.

She's a good woman though. Oh yeah, she's great. Yeah, she'll be down here this weekend. So for Easter. What are y'all gonna do? Y'all gonna celebrate?

Go out to dinner, go out to lunch or something?

She gonna cook, she'll cook for the rest, my adopted family and shit. My homegirl Carly, who I live with and shit, so.

Okay.

When you say homegirl, what exactly do you mean? How old are you? I'm guessing 27 to 52. Yeah, they're somewhere. You know what? You're right on the money. I'm 34. Dope.

Wow. Amazing. Yeah. So the homegirl is your girlfriend?

No, she's my friend. My landlady too. My sister from a different mister, you know.

You live with your landlady? Yeah. But you're not banging? No. But the lady that you are banging is coming to town and cooking for you. No, that's my mother. I ain't that.

Hey, I'm from the country.

I ain't inbred like that shit.

But you go for some of that dark meat, huh?

Oh, I do.

Yeah, I like my women.

I like my trucks large and black.

Really? Is that true? Hell yeah. I like that. Very surprising. How many black women do you think you've been with? I lost my virginity to a black woman. Wow. Where was that at?

Cattle mills, ironically enough.

Cattle mills.

Yeah. Where in cattle mills exactly?

I mean, it's just a small town.

So it's just, you know, at a neighbor's house.

Okay.

I thought you said general mills.

Yeah. No, Caddo. C-A-D-D-O like the Indians. Caddo. See, a lot of people think I say Caddo because I don't know how to fucking talk either.

Fuck them.

They're lying. They're not lying, but they are. They don't know what they're talking about. Yeah. That's true.

Hell yeah.

Right on. Anything else crazy we should know about you before getting you out of here? Ah, shit, I don't know. We'd be here all night if I tell you

all the crazy shit that I've done.

How about anything?

Anything?

One thing.

One thing, fuck.

Ever been to jail?

I have once, yeah, I got a DWI back in December, so.

Like four months ago?

Yeah.

All right.

Back in 1980 December. Not my proudest moment, but you know, I'm dealing with it.

Whose fault was it? Was it yours or was it someone else?

It was mine. Yeah, I was blackout drunk. I don't remember most of it.

What happened?

I, like I said, I don't remember leaving my buddy's house to waking up in a hospital bed cuffed to it, but luckily nobody was hurt.

What did you wreck into?

Two parked cars. Wow. Oh, yeah. One for the plug and one for the load.

Right, yeah.

That's what it was, yeah.

Yep.

Dude, I'll tell you this, bro.

One time...

Yeah.

Sorry. No, go for it.

Let's do it. I'm leaving this bar, and I was driving a Honda Accord or whatever, because I was fucking having kind of a tough time or whatever. And, uh, anyway, I go get in my car.

There's a cop car right next to it. I go get in it. And then I'm looking in there. I'm like, there's a baby seat in my car. And I'm like, thinking, oh, somebody snuck in here with their baby, right?

I got in in his car. He's kind of looking over at me. And now I'm like trying to, I can't start this car. It's fucking not mine.

Damn.

So I had to pop the hood, dude. This cop's looking under the hood with me of somebody else's fucking car.

Damn. And I thought my shit was bad.

Dude came out, he's like, what the fuck y'all doing? They walk in, yeah. So that's what I'm saying, BLM, homie. That's right.

Hell yeah.

That's right.

Thank you.

Ethan Griggs, you're leaving here with a medium joke, but congratulations. Good job.

Thank you very much.

Ethan Griggs, everybody. All right. Theo, you don't have to get up for all these people.

That's not...

But I ain't never seen nothing like this before. Theo, Jelly Roll, good night, everybody.

Oh shit. Look at that.

People are gonna be like, wow, Theo Jelly Roll and Woody Harrelson's gay son. We're all in the same place at the same time. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. Did you know that the average employer at the same time. has a new feature that instantly shows you the most interested qualified candidates first. And today you can try it for free at zippercruiter.com slash kill Tony Redband.

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That's promo code Tony. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charles Haycock, everyone. Here we go. ♪♪

What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now, but it should be good because I don't have autism because I've never been tested, and I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of.

But my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part time. This is not weekends, hit the club, club Monday back to puzzles.

I did try to get tested too when I was in Canada where it's free there but they're busy so they you know they phone me back they're like sorry sir the wait time is uh seven years. I was like what the f- definitive eye of autism seven years? No that's 3,461 days! No, no I can't do that,

that's a Tuesday! No Tuesday's when the train comes! That's why I said. Thank you guys. Unbelievable.

Charles Haycock, welcome, welcome my friend. What a rock star you are. How long you been doing stand up?

I've been doing it for 12 years.

Fuck yeah, man. Where at?

Canada, Edmonton, Alberta.

Okay, hell yeah.

Oh, look at that.

Dude, what's your name? Have we ever met before? Nah, dude, I've never met you. My name's Charles.

Charles Theo, nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure.

Thanks, yeah, I thought maybe I'd met you before, because I used to do a lot of shows up there,

and I thought maybe we had met one time.

Oh, okay, cool. You meet a lot of guys like me?

Uh... I don't know. I don't know.

It happens. Bro, I'm not even gay. Okay? I am a guy who likes women, dude.

You should see some of the drawings in my diary. I'm flattered, that's all, you know.

No, I thought that we had met before,. I'm a hundred percent serious with you. I thought we had met once.

Oh, okay. Okay. Well.

So good to see you.

All right. Okay. Very good. One note riffing.

Be honest though. If you was gay bro, because we don't know.

Yeah. I mean.

Would you smash this little fucking beetle muffin over here? I mean, well, we're like, I think we're both bottoms, so, like, those batteries don't go that way, you know what I mean? They have to go along the same way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can't have two super gay guys together.

Never mind, dude.

Whatever, dude!

Yeah.

I love it. Charles, tell us about your life up in Canada. My life in Canada, well, shit, I moved to Texas this last year. Oh, nice. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

You got citizenship and everything? No, I do not, but I have papers. I do have papers. Okay. I'm hoping to get permanent papers later, but...

Yeah.

Canada is a good time, and I finally started dating a female girl.

Nice.

Tell us about that. How's that going?

It's going good.

I had a dry spell for like nine years.

Whoa.

That's very dry.

Yeah, and it was rough. Like, the only girl I had a crush on during that was, I met an Amish girl, and the only place you can find them is like when they're selling furniture.

And then, she was great, but... And the only place you can find them is like when they're selling furniture and then

She was great, but getting their drawers. I'm sorry And that's not even a real joke I just Read that somewhere on the fucking in the back of my brain, and I was like who wrote this some

Good or whatever yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see, but, and then I waited nine years and then I met a girl who's not Amish, so I'm allowed to date her, but hell yeah. She's a...

And what was it about the Amish

that was bringing you over there?

Can I ask a man? Yeah, absolutely.

What was it about?

Have you seen a lot of Amish? I haven't seen that many Amish before.

I've met an Amish, I've met probably this people in my whole life. Okay, okay. You podcasted with two of them, I think. Yeah, exactly. I've seen clips of that one.

How is that allowed? Is that not against their whole shit?

Well, they wouldn't know, I don't reckon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They wouldn't find out.

Yeah.

Okay, okay. They just think they're just talking in like a weird shape or something.

Yeah. But don't you feel like you're soiling their existence a little bit by exposing them to

the world?

You were trying to fuck one!

Yeah, dude!

Bro, you don't shame Theo!

Yeah, dude.

Don't furniture shame me, dude.

You're over here playing let's hide in the back of Narnia Closet or whatever. Let me take you to see my lion. Let me show you that pants,ia closet or whatever. Let me take you to see my lion.

Let me show you that pants, Adnan or whatever.

Did you make an attempt? What was the best attempt you made at hooking up with the Amish girl?

Yeah, I was scared off of me cause I was talking to her and I made her laugh

and then like four of her dad showed up immediately.

Oh shit.

They have so many dads and they looked at me like there's no fucking chance.

Oh, yeah.

So I got the heck out of there, but, uh...

You can only fuck them during Rumpelspringer or whatever it's called. There's Red Band, everybody, if you're wondering what it sounds like when he talks. There you go. Rumpelspring, everyone. There's some degenerates in the crowd, some diehard Red Band fans. There you go. Rumpelstring, everybody.

It's your Doritos joke of the night, everyone. Amazing, Charles. What else about you? You seem like a guy that's got an interestingly complex life.

Oh, well, I start in Canada to make money.

I go and I have a yo-yo company.

Ooh, I knew there was something. See, Theo, you looked at me funny there. He's got a yo-yo company.

You were right.

We just, uh...

Ha ha ha.

We just got canceled recently, though,

so we're not making money this year.

Oh, no. Well, that company probably, I'd imagine, that industry has a lot of ups and downs.

Yeah, I think... Yeah.

They...

It's no rumple spring, but it'll do for now. Amazing. So the yo-yo company got cancelled or just went out of business?

No, I got, like, so, like, our manufacturer was in America.

Your manufacturer?

Yeah, dude. I sound pretty sick when I say that.

It does sound good. I want to know more about it. I do, I really do man. Sorry, my attitude's been weird today.

No, but uh...

I think he's nervous probably.

Yeah, no, we Americans make our shit. But the thing is, in America, like, the yo-yo scene is kind of run by... I guess you'd call it the woke yo-yo mob. You guys know about this, right? Oh, yeah. And they're also autistic, so, like, imagine...

Yeah, we have one. Come on up here, Colt. No, come on around. Yeah, the way. We have a yo-yo guy. We have a yo-yo guy that actually knows your company. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of our main people. Do a little yo-yo, Colt.

Hell yeah.

There he is.

This is unbelievable, ladies and gentlemen. What are the odds? One of the greatest yo-yoers in the world happens to be a five-year veteran employee of the Kiltoni Enterprise.

Right when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler. five-year veteran employee of the Kill Tony enterprise.

Right when you think this podcast doesn't get any cooler.

We yo-yo.

Amazing, look at that. Charles, you're awesome, dude. Come back any time. We'll see you soon. Charles Haycock, everybody. There he goes.

Kelly. All right. We'll see you soon Charles Haycock everybody there he goes

All right, we have a we have a special treat ladies and gentlemen a Special treat for you this man is making his kill Tony debut. He's an internet sensation You very likely follow him on Instagram

Very funny man make some noise for little mo mozzarella everybody an internet sensation. You very likely follow him on Instagram.

Very funny man. Make some noise for Lil Mo Mozzarella, everybody.

His Lil Tony debut.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Watch your mouth. Shut the fuck up in the back. Stay put. I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me,

but I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish, where are you? I throw one word at you, what's up, let me get a bacon, egg and cheese poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all the time, they come to fucking Little Italy and they start acting Italian, the guy's got freckles and shit. fresh mozzarella, red peppers, tell your sister Gina, I said, how you doing? Guy's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant

and start acting Chinese, no? Lei ho, Mao! Let me get a pork fried rice. Don't forget the wonton soup. They don't do it. They get disrespectful. They start yelling.

Where's my pork fried rice?! They think you can understand them if you talk loud, you know, they're disrespectful. See, I always show them respect. Like, let's say, for instance, I go, like, for a steak, I bring the bones home, and I bring it to the restaurant

for the dog to bury the yacht. How you doing? I was gonna say they ate the dog, but then I said somebody might fuck me up out here. I see a couple Asians. Kim Jong-un's over there. What's up, Moe?

How does it feel to never ride a roller coaster?

Pfft.

Lil' Moe mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen, making his Killtoney debut. Very funny, lots of energy. Oh, shit. He just hit the hardware burger in the head with the mic.

I drove fucking 20 hours to get here.

Did you really?

And Ray, everybody!

Well Moe, you are the man.

Good to see you tonight, man. You really drove 20 hours to get here?

No, I drove about fucking six.

I didn't know. I was in fucking six. I like that, though.

I was in Oklahoma, the food there sucks, bro. They eat testicles. You know, anybody from Oklahoma, they eat testicles.

Yeah.

And they eat it like two grapes.

I wouldn't even eat a fucking hot dog in front of people. You know what they eat there? It's called lamb something. Look it up. Yeah. Yeah, it's a thing. Shot you a beat ticket.

Unbelievable. Just look it up.

This is the real, this is, this guy's, this is how he is in real life.

I was in fucking Oklahoma, I drove here. Listen, I gotta rent a car. This fucking rent a car says 29 miles or whatever per gallon. I thought that that was how much gas I had. I ran out of gas. I didn't know what to do. I called the fucking Uber. I says, come over here. I'm gonna give you $100.

Go get the tank and come in and fucking look out for me. He goes, how do you know I could trust you? I said, I'm a fucking designer at Gamble. I'm taking a shot.

Let me tell you my history with Lil Mo. I can't remember what or why or how, but we were all out one night, me, him, and Shane. And Shane's like, you got to meet my friend. This is Lil' Mo. And he was like this, right? And I'm like, this guy's not even real. And then after about five or ten minutes,

we hung out the rest of the night. He had me absolutely cracking up. I smoke pot. I don't even smoke pot.

You don't? I'm looking forward to a pot again tonight. Yeah, you're gonna smoke pot tonight. I don't smoke pot. I go under the table, I get anxiety.

Did you smoke it a lot when you were, um...

Oh, God.

Smoke it right now.

Oh, God.

Lil' Mo.

Lil' Mo's about to be eating bull testicles in Oklahoma.

Too fucking charlie was an engineer. I got a little pull out of it. What are you on, the Ozempic? I'm on the manjaro. Ha ha ha ha! How you doing, Teo?

Manjaro sounds Italian.

It's manjaro. You know how you say air conditioning in Thai? You used to sell air conditioning? I used to do air conditioning. That's what I did for a living. My cousin worked in HVAC for a while. Does he? Yeah, he did.

Is he the help or is he the mechanic? He's dead. He passed away. Oh, he did? Yeah. He don't want you to work blue collar. He was, uh, yeah, he would get in there, you know, he'd go...

You say,

heckin' dishin' in time, you say, heckin' dish.

Heckin' dish.

That's what you're saying.

Tell us more about...

Fuck is staring at me? He's a jinx, this guy.

Yeah. This motherfucker from the past over here. We, you know, we always have all these different shapes and sizes of characters. I'm Italian. I don't sound like you. I'm not from New York. I'm from Youngstown.

Let me tell you something. You had some guy on the other day. He had a Gabagool shirt. He was a fake Italian. That's what made me come. I said, you need the real fucking thing.

And that's what I was just gonna say is we never get any fucking real Italian. Nobody does. They act Italian. There's no real one. I'm the only one left. Tell us more. Teach us some more. It's true. It really is true. There's nothing. I swear to God. I just don't like being my fucking neighbor. Me and this guy sat at the end of a bar cracking up for fucking hours because I couldn't get enough of it. It's who he really is. Give New York wisdom, Lil Mo.

If you don't speak Italian, all you need to know how to do is say this. What do you want to do? How you doing?

I don't want no problems.

That's exactly right.

Tell us about Brooklyn. What is it about it?

It's old school change now. You know, back in the day it was different. You know, hang out on a stoop. You know what I mean? A girl walks by you, how you doin'? You know, different levels, different how you doin'. You don't want to throw a five at how you doin', you know? You gotta how you doin'.

Yeah. Cause she might get, you know, she'll get a little cocky. You don't want to get cocky.

Exacerbated or whatever.

Yeah, you gotta bring it was a sweetheart, you know?

Oh, yeah.

I bought her a nice pair of shoes. She goes, how do I look in them? I said, take them out of the fucking box, you dummy.

Pfft. We got any Jewish guys on here? Oh yeah, they're out there. Where are the Jewish guys? They don't make any noise anymore. How you doing?

Pfft.

They're laying low right now. Jews are hiding in the dark right now. Counting in the dark.

So what else we got about being Italian?

I mean, I absolutely love it. You know, I just found a great Italian place that I've been telling everybody about Baldinucci's here in Austin, Texas and and I love it we've been ordering from there

continuously I'm talking about. You know what's crazy about Italian? You can name any piece of food and you can make it sound like a dick. Here's my braggio. I got the braggio right here. Hide the. Yep. Look at my little fucking pasta fuzzle. You can make it anything.

Yeah, show me that burrata.

You know what I'm saying?

Yep.

Show me that burrata.

Yeah.

Where are the real Italians at? Like where, honestly, if we were gonna go look for some Italians or if people wanted to find some Italians.

Well, we have different. The Italians don't even like us, really. Really? They do a little bit, because they gotta deal with us. I'll fucking kick them out of their fucking country.

Where are the realest ones in America still at? If you wanna get the most-

Well, you got some in Chicago and shit. You got where he's from, Youngstown, there's Italians. But in New York, we got Brooklyn, the Bronx, lot of times Queens got the old five borrows got thanks

little Drew ski did white face drew Drewski did whiteface and now D Madness is doing whiteface. This is incredible. You never know what can happen here on Kill Tony every once in a while.

Gotta go to Brooklyn, Dio. You're from New Orleans? Are you from New Orleans? Shane! Fuck, you're blind as a bat. Are you from New Orleans?

I'm from outside of New Orleans.

Oh, I used to go there when I was a kid.

Did you really? What were you guys doing over there?

My friend had a place, they used to go to the Abbey? Remember the Abbey? It was like a late night joint? I'm serious. You got chicken fingers and shit?

The Abbey? No.

There was a place, Maiden Voyage?

Maiden Voyage, yeah.

Come on, shh. Keep it on the low.

I just remembered it.

You know it.

Yeah, I'll forget it again, I'm sure. But yeah, I did remember it.

You guys still like the fucking memory, Moe. was a little bit it was fun it was okay people like different stuff I you know I didn't like it I like Boston better you like Boston yeah I like Boston I like Boston too I didn't think they wouldn't like me out there but they like me what you think that because I'm Italian and they're not gonna know what I got a lot of Irish when we're kids the Irish Italians to fight all yep so I figured I went to Boston, they'll beat the shit out of me if they like me.

We need more of that shit.

You need old school shit back, right?

Yeah.

You believe in stereotypes? I do. When it comes to dicks, I think it's true. I'm gonna tell you what it is. Yeah, what is it? I'm gonna tell you what it is. My grandfather was ugly and he had no money. And he banged my grandma for 50 years. She stayed with him. So I asked her.

She goes, "'Cause he's blush." So it made me start looking. I says, let me see what people are working with. This way I can have an edge. You know what I mean? And then what happened? You look like this, you go like this. Look, you go like you didn't take a piss, and you go, peekaboo!

Now, if they got a little guy, you could blackmail him, or you could pump their ego up. Like, you go like... You know, if it's your boss or something, ride up the fucking corporate ladder.

How you doing? Ride up the fucking corporate ladder. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha! How long are you in town for? I'm staying two nights. So when do you leave? I don't know, two fucking nights from now. What do I look like, a fucking meditation over here?

Hey, real quick, Lil Mo, real quick. Jump back on that mic real quick.

I don't want no problems.

What's the best show you've ever seen in New York City? You're true New York, right?

Yeah.

All the way.

What's the- The Rockettes. The Rockettes. No, no. Okay. DMX.

DMX.

Where'd you see him at?

I see him at Summer Jam. Where the fuck is that? Is that New York? No, it might be Jersey. Okay. Where the fuck did I see the Warriors?

I don't know. That's it, I did it at the Voice of God firm in Madison Square Garden. Well, I'll tell you what, I find you to be so interesting and so compelling. We're doing two nights at Madison Square Garden, August 7th and 8th. Will you come on stage and do a minute in there?

The King of New York, Lil Mo Mozzarella!

Let me say one thing.

Yeah?

I'm on top of the world, man! On top of the world!

Hell yeah.

How you doin'?

Lil Mo Mozzarella, ladies and gentlemen.

I love you guys. Thanks.

Sonia, you the man?

Absolutely.

I can sing, too.

How about one more time?

How you doin'? For the cameo of Shane Gillis, everybody. What a crazy world we're living in. Where the biggest comedian in the world stops in and pretends to be blind for 10 seconds. He'll be hosting the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th live on Netflix. It's gonna be a hell of a roast. I'll be there roasting yet again on the biggest roast of all time. roast of Kevin Hart, May 10th

Two days earlier, me and Jelly Roll are at the Greek Theater And a reminder, this Friday, Busboys starring Theo Vaughn and David Spade Out in theaters everywhere Go to a movie theater, people! Buy some popcorn and a large soda

Enjoy yourself, throw extra butter on it Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool, everybody, goes by the name of T. Austin, everybody.

T. Austin.

♪♪

What's up, what's up, what's up? Now, I came out here, I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with y'all. I don't like the motherfuckers that's outside, so I came up with a few ways to destroy the world and I only got a minute to do so. The first one would be for you religious

motherfuckers, I want whoever you believe in, Jesus, Muhammad, whoever, I hope you come, so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit! You can't say that shit because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing, working on Israel. We working on them bombs. That would be funny, but fuck that.

We're living that one. Now, the third way, fucking thriller. I want my goddamn zombies. I've been watching The Walking Dead. I've been practicing my motherfucking shit. Michael getting ready to come out.

I'm going to see that shit. I want to live it. The fourth way that I, because it could be anything. You guys, I could drop a bomb of peanuts in here and drop half of you motherfuckers. The fourth way that I believe that we deserve it,

because Donald Trump said it's true, is goddamn aliens. We're already here.

Thank y'all, I'm T. Austin. T. Austin, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees, I'm gonna check up on John Dees here. What did he just say?

A bunch of shit. Something, something, something, something.

It's now dumber. Everyone in this room is now dumber.

And you're welcome for it.

Okay, welcome T. How long have you been doing standup, my dear friend?

I have been doing standup off and on for about maybe six years, my dog.

Six cheers. Okay, where at?

San Antonio.

Okay.

I'm originally from Georgia. Georgia.

Can't tell, yeah.

All right. I was in Texas for 20 years though, so I'm officially a DSTB as well as a DSGB, bad motherfucker all the way around.

What's a DSTB?

Oh, that's a down south Texas boy. I'm a down south Georgia boy.

Oh, okay.

Pass Detroit, that's my dog. Okay. I don't know him, but I listen to the music. And what does the T stand for? T. It's a letter. Just A, B, C, D...

E, F, T. Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, you see, I kept my hand in my pocket. I ain't got no fingerprints. I don't want nobody telling on me.

Okay. Again, I really need a translator. I hear everything you're saying, brother. T. Austin, what do you not do for work? What do I not do for work?

What do I not do for work? Well, I am a retired drug dealer. I used to sell marijuana. Okay. But then it became legal and them bitches took it from my pocket. But now, I work at a grocery store and I give out samples to nice folks like you white people here in front of me today.

Okay.

Alright, look at you working at the grocery store.

See, nice. Yeah, I'm broke than a bitch. I need a job, son.

Let's check in.

And who likes a sample the most? Who's the most, when you're in there, if you're working like in the, if you're in the sample streets, who is the person that, you know what I'm saying?

Take me through some of them samplers. I got my everyday people that, let me try to talk. Your what people? Let me talk a little bit clearer. Yes. So I have everyday people that like to come in and they will eat what I make because it is very, very delicious, but the some bitches don't buy it.

I don't care about you loving what I make. I care about you buying it. But putting a smile on people's faces just like I'm doing with y'all.

There you go.

All right.

There's a lot there.

We love the enunciation.

You asked the question.

And who the worst people that come through there? Who's the worst type of sampler?

Yeah, if you had to describe what they look like.

Ooh, check this out. I won't, but I'll describe their pocket. They got a lot of money. All right. People with a lot of money be mean as fuck.

Really? What's the meanest thing anybody's ever said to you while you were handing out stamps?

Oh, you know what? You didn't do it and I was surprised because I heard about you, but I didn't take it like that. But they come up and they say, Yeah, I'm not your brother, I don't know you. And I tell them, no sir, I do not understand what you are saying to me right now.

You say that to the white people that say that.

I didn't say that, you said that. I say that to anybody who say that. But if you wanna say it's white people, sir, I'll take that too.

But if a black guy came up to you and said, my brother, delicious sample. All right. How about how I said it? I would... It'd depend on how you say it. All right. What if I was like, my brother, delicious sample?

I'd be like, well, thank you, sir, and I really do appreciate that.

All right, perfect. If you would have said anything else, I would have asked to speak to your manager.

Uh... I appreciate this shit. I really didn't know I was gonna get called on here. It is really a fucking honor. I hope I did good for y'all. I'll fuck with it. I hope I get called.

Are you closing out your own interview right now? I'm nervous. My stomach hurts, bro.

I am so nervous, dawg.

It's what happens. You're in the big leagues. I ain't never been in. get called. That's how the show works. And it's also you're dressed for not getting called.

Hey, I got off of work and came here. You did it. I'm poor. I have to work type shit. So I got a book. You see me? You'll see me put it in my pocket. Help you boy out. There you go. Love

y'all. Catch him at Trader Jamal's T. Austin, everybody. Cejo doing his classic meet and greet. Trademark, standing ovation for everyone.

Scary thing.

It is. I could never do that.

Yeah, you could.

I'm out there for, I could not do it, dude. We used to do three minutes at the comedy store

at the open mic. Three minutes, but you've been practicing for a long time. It just feels very, it feels extreme to me.

Well, yeah, it is. Carry on.

It's the thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Brian Stupak. Brian Stupak.

Hey, everybody. So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini. Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Saying things like, yes queen, slay. Pop off, diva.

I say one innocent comment, like, wow, what a babe, and I get blasted. They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, she's only 11.

Can you believe these people?

So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina, but not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second while I get into character.

Soy Mexicana, soy Mexicana, soy Mexicana. No, no, no, si, si, si, OK, listo. I'm breaking up with you, Brian.

Ah! OK, Brian Stupak with you, Brian. Okay, Brian, stupid. Welcome, Brian. Is this your first time on the show?

Sure is.

Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Since June.

Where at?

Mostly Sixth Street.

You live here in Austin?

Yeah, I work next door. What made you want to start six months ago?

It's a long story, but I was, I ran out of money in Italy and my buddies like, come stay with me and try stand-up comedy. So I was like, all right. Where was that? Uh, in Italy or? You're in Italy, you ran out of money, your buddies like, come move in. He lives in Kyle. He lives in here in? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. Yeah. So where'd you live before that? So I'm from Northern California, but I do a lot of travel. So I spent like most of the last 10, 15 years traveling. I'm a linguist.

So I like travel to learn languages. I'll pick up like odd jobs.

Can you teach the last guy how to talk?

I mean, I can help people that, you know, I can't help lost causes, you know?

Right.

Yeah.

So how did you run out of money in Italy exactly? What did you do out there? So I published an Italian book. And I had this idea where I could promote it. I was gonna walk the length of Italy with 100 copies of my book in a shopping cart. And I was gonna push it the length of Italy, trading it every day for food and lodging.

Wow. And when I got to Rome, I ran out of books and I ran out of money. I was like, you know, I was just waiting in the airport there for five days till my book royalties came in and then I flew home All things lead to Rome they say isn't right there it is. Yeah Yeah, it's true. Italy itself was actually a pivot to yeah. Yeah. I I tried to I tried to walk Africa before that Oh, yeah, not a lot of book buyers out there. No, no, no, that one was just for me. That was for fun. Uh-huh. Yeah. I made it a third of the way.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Wow.

Yeah.

What was that like?

It was nice. It was great. So I went from Cape Town, South Africa to the Democratic Republic of Congo. So I did like all of South Africa, the DRC I kept getting robbed so I... By who? I'm gonna get a guess.

When you say kept getting robbed, how many times do you think you were robbed?

No, it was three in a week and a half.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it was the first time I just got jumped by like high school age kids. Can I show you? It's, yeah.

You're gonna show me like a what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. show you for it's yeah you're gonna show me yeah I'm gonna show me like a what yeah yeah don't worry you're safe you work with all those kids how we went so it was they were like so it was like um like you need me to stand up for this thing or something kind of what Brian you don't have to let's not make the award-winning artists do anything written by you Brian so no they were they weren't like they were kind of um fucking people hey can I use you like a mannequin there just leave your Grammys at the table just stand up for me I'm a random fucking open miker

that's been has six months of experience He's ready for it. I was in. He is. He's down to play. I was like, fuck, I'm down, dawg.

At this point, I kind of want to see it. Fuck.

Let's go.

Let's go.

This is still Tony, where clearly anything can happen.

So they were like 6'3", 120. So I'm walking behind. I am fucking flattered. Yeah. So they're walking behind and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do. So he grabs me by the back and he like... And I was like, what? And then he kept doing it.

Like he's like, you know? And so I fought them off and that's all I was... You're good now.

That was it.

Wow. Just as stupid as I thought it would be, everybody. Very stupid. Needing a human for that act out. Yeah, but the second time was a

little bit scarier. They had AK-47s. They put one in my mouth. Oh, wow. No way. Yeah. Did you get

hard? And what is... Good question. Red band. Completely redeeming himself. The question everybody wanted to ask. What's up?

Did it get hard?

Did you get hard?

I stay hard, Tony.

Oh, very good.

Yeah, there you go.

Very good.

Hard. And then the third time, it was, like there were men with machetes.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't just breeze through that.

Yeah.

You can't mouth storm.

What exactly did they get out of you? What did they rob out of you? At that time, so I was in Luanda, Angola, which is the capital of Angola.

And I just, I was doing a-

Sound safe.

It, I had a, I just had a, like my phone and my money on me. Cause I left, I was staying with the local there. So I had like my backpack with them. So that wasn't on me. And they- Okay. No, it was just in my pocket. I was just going to a TV interview. It was like six in the morning How much cash do you think you had on you like 90 bucks? Okay. Yeah, so, you know, it's like a lot there

But I was yeah, it's a lot anywhere man. Yeah

Yeah

Especially there. Yeah, so as I was walking I was stupid like I just had my phone out using GPS and I'm like, oh, yeah. Fuck. Yeah, I'd rob you if I saw you. And then I yeah, as I'm as I'm walking, there are like two guys sitting on a stoop and they ran in opposite directions. I was like, OK, this is interesting. And then they came back with a case and yeah, they speak Portuguese and English

with like Fika, Fika, Fika, Fika, which means stay in Portuguese. And so I had my phone and I was just like, you know. Right, exactly. Yeah.

They could have used fucking those guns that just say bang with the flag that comes out.

Well, it was frustrating because it was like a five foot two inch. It was like Kevin Hart was robbing me, you know? It was like, it was really emasculating. Yeah. And then one of the guys, when he was emptying my pockets, Yeah. The one thing they allowed you to keep. No! They took that too!

They took that too! And I was like, you don't need this. Right. But what happened was the guy dropped it and that panicked the other guy with the gun and he like hit me and put it...

I was like, I'm not even doing anything.

Alright. And then the third time? So I was at the border of the DRC and I was walking and guys walked by me, and it was a fisherman group. So it was like one guy's carrying fish, another three are carrying machetes, and so they're like.

Oh, the old fish machete trick.

So that sounds bad, but it's not terribly uncommon in that part of the world. You see people walking with machetes. Like I'd walked hundreds of miles with people with machetes. So, but these people, what made it sketchy was they turned around and they started following me. And I was like, all right, maybe I dropped something.

I didn't. So I picked up my speed. They picked up their speed. I started jogging. They started jogging. Took off into the jungle.

Then they chased me into the jungle. But there's like a, like the brush was about this high. So I like, I found a spot to hide. And they're like looking for me for like 45 minutes, I'm like hiding on top of my bag. And then they eventually left, but I waited another few hours because they could have just been waiting on the road, you know?

And I'm like hearing things rustle in the bushes this whole time. And the previous week or so, I'd seen half a dozen black mamas or so cross the road. So I'm just like, maybe it's time to come home.

Yeah.

Yeah. Tell the world Can we still sing diddy, huh, what who sings that diddy is it really yeah, oh, I didn't know that

I like yeah, I just like the song. It was a medium joke book my friend there goes Brian. Appreciate you guys everybody We're flying through it here tonight Yeah, you guys still having fun out there you get it Make some noise for your next bucketetful, ladies and gentlemen. It's Luke Robinson, everybody. Luke Robinson.

Elon Musk is making Neuralink so people can talk to their pets. Aww. Now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, please, Poppy,

I promise to keep my picker in my pants. Dudes would be so traumatized, they'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the stray population would go way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN.

Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note. Good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat. Thank you. I'm Luke Robinson. They call me your big dog. Thank you. Luke Robinson. Amazing.

Very, very compelling.

It's very...

Good job, man.

Yeah. Luke, job, man.

Luke, welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my fifth time on stage. Fifth time. Talk into that microphone. Fifth time... Obviously. ...on stage.

And how did the other four times go?

First time was in Memphis. No, I'm sorry. First time was in Little Rock. Memphis was second. Third was Creek. Third was LOL in San Antonio. Okay.

And that's when I got my first positive feedback from the audience that my writing is really solid. I do a lot of dog jokes. I'm a big dog guy. Yeah.

You specialize in dog material. I noticed that.

I do. I lost three dogs to cancer. I've lost 4,200...

Wow. I mean, starting with how many dogs you've lost to cancer is something else. That is incredible.

What are you... what?

I...

You've lost three dogs to cancer?

Not all at the same time.

What is going on? But still, dude, quit doing that.

Are you giving them cigarettes?

I should cut back on the cools, right?

But what are you doing, man?

Well, my first one was bone cancer, and that was in Boston.

Look, I know, yes, bone cancer happens in Boston, but what I'm saying is, dude, give it up and do something else.

Yeah.

Like not get a dog? Absolutely. Unfortunately, I'm on my fifth pyrenees, so.

Oh, you started with how many dogs have died under your tutelage. How many have survived? Do you have any living dogs?

I have one. He's three-legged, though, so.

Oh, my God.

What is happening?

How did your dog lose its leg? Well, that was abuse. Before me. Not me. I got him. The people before him left him outside, tied to a tree, and lacerated his leg. They amputated it. Before I got him, I fostered him, and he was like,

Poppy, I'll be the best son to you. Please adopt me. I signed the papers after that. He's been the most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had. He's grateful. Ungrateful. Most ungrateful Great Pyrenees I've ever had.

Check in with Jelly Roll here.

This is really close to sounding like a Jelly Roll song.

Well, my exit, kind of is, actually my first dog, kind of is, is I moved to Boston, my first dog got cancer, my girlfriend left me, and she took the truck, so I totally became a country song.

Wow.

Cliché.

But I ended up walking, after losing three dogs, I've walked a total of 4,250 miles, started a foundation where we tried to understand why dogs get cancer like people. So I try to turn the loft.

You walk across America or Africa?

Oh. America three different times. Austin to Boston was my first one. Wow. Then the west coast from Canada to Mexico was my second one. My last one, my third one, was the entire length of the Hudson River.

Because I lost Hudson, was the third dog I lost to cancer.

Wow.

Yeah.

And round of applause for doing that, man.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Red Band takes a pedicab to his condo four blocks away. I'm a cat guy. But he's also going to lose a leg soon, so.

You can join me on my next walk, you can join me, but I have to lose another doctor cancer first.

What was your favorite walk, to be honest? That's just interesting, somebody that walked that many places.

Austin to Boston was the best one. That was 2,300 miles, over two years with my two dogs.

Why was it the best though?

That's kind of hard. The West Coast was just weird altogether. And they say they're animal friendly, but when you look like a homeless guy walking with a dog, they don't treat you like you're a part of theirs. So it was just a different experience.

I find that people from the Austin to Boston, I walked across 16 states, including DC, and the people were just incredible. It was just like nothing you see on TV, nothing could speak to that experience. It's just like selling all your stuff,

putting everything in storage, and just walking with your dogs cross country. It was so much grace and glory in that experience.

How do you make money?

I, look at me, I'm 55, I'm up here on the stage trying out for our companies. I've been doing this since I lost my first dog 20 years ago. So.

You've been doing what?

Not living in the non-profit world trying to solve canine cancer, companion animal cancer.

Do you think that solving canine cancer is more important than solving human cancer?

Well, what science has taught us, this is the interesting thing, especially with dog cancer, it's pretty much the same thing. Like 90% of all cancers dogs get, that people get, look, they look the same, they act the same. It's kind of one of the things that science has taught us.

Right.

People say a lot of it's from Chobani yogurt. You seen all of that?

Yeah, yeah.

Do dogs- Could be.

Do dogs get- Allegedly.

Do dogs get more breast cancer than normal animals because of all the nipples and stuff?

Yes, they do get it.

Great question.

Do they?

Yeah, they do get mammary cancer.

Have you ever been fat?

Have I been what?

Have you ever been fat?

Fat? Yeah. Absolutely. I'm a tall... I used to be a sugar guy, totally.

Yeah, like how...

Have you lost a lot of weight?

A lot, yeah. How much? Probably about a hundred pounds. I know you have, you look fantastic by the way.

Cheers for that. I can tell, I know my kind when I see them.

You look like you got Ed Gaines lampshades under there.

I know that feeling.

I got some Bucko shit happening right here too, dude.

It's bad Very funny very true observation by jelly roll. I'm now looking at it. Your belt is made of belt loops There are belts around the titties is where you're supposed to look you could see that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah

You got a skin where titties once was I'm struggling with the same thing. Oh, yeah

absolutely

Incredible. Um, so let me ask you this. What's your love life like? You're out there walking dogs, three-legged dogs. You must get a lot of-

Well, it's a lot better than it was 100 pounds ago, I can promise you that.

Yeah. Yeah, no, when you're on the road and you're walking, man, you smell like basically piss and dog ass all the time. Oh, wow. a while since I've had, you know, I just, it's been a dry spell, so it's been a long

time.

That's okay, man. So, yeah.

That's okay.

Yeah.

What was I going to say, something?

Oh, do you, do you have, what is your, your non-profit called?

It's Puppy Up. So like some people down in Texas say Cowboy Up or Man Up,'s Puppy Up. So like some people down in Texas say cowboy up or man up, we puppy up. So that was my battle cry from our first walk because I knew it was gonna be long and hard. So we puppy up y'all.

Absolutely adorable.

We all have to puppy up in life.

Definitely. Here you go, my friend. There's a medium size. Oh, wow. You got a little dog in ya! There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Luke Robinson. There he goes. There he goes. Very dog-cancer-heavy eight minutes that was. You guys still hanging in there? Make some noise for your next bucket full of Matt Campbell everybody, Matt Campbell.

Here we go. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname No Just me? Fuck you guys. All right No, I just wanted to say cuz like, you know when you get a crap nickname like booger face or like numpty or something horrible like that Jelly Roll

Maybe you could attest maybe you could attest, maybe you could attest, I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love, you know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother, he called him Adolf. And his justification for that was is whenever he screamed he got

exactly what he wanted. I mean he could have called him Donald it would have worked the same. So I though my dad sealed the name deal with my brother because my brother came out of the closet and his name's Benedict. That's already, I'm British, my brother's name's Benedict, I'm already at a good start. And my brother on the couch just yells, Dad, the door is ringing.

And my dad just goes, yeah, Bendy Dick.

Alright, over his time. Matt Campbell, welcome Matt. You want to finish that or were you done there?

Well I was just going to say my brother's name was Bendy Dick after that. That was, uh...

Okay. All right. Well, what are you English?

Yeah.

Okay. How long you been in America?

I've been in America about nine years now.

All right.

Yeah.

Where at?

I lived in Colorado Springs for like eight years and then I moved here like seven months ago. So like almost nine years I've been in America if I do the math right, yeah.

Okay. What school did you go to?

Hogwarts?

No.

I do look like a bit of, like I'm wearing like a Weasley sweater right now. It's not, fuck.

What do you do for work?

I'm a, I wait tables. Oh, okay. I used to be a valet at W Hotel, but now I wait tables.

Okay, where are you waiting tables at?

Cousin Louie's, shout out Cousin Louie's, up in Dripping Springs. Great place to work. All right, and that's where you live, Dripping Springs? Yeah, no. I don't live there. I live just 10 minutes outside of town. So it's a bit of a drive.

So you have to drive a long time.

Yeah, it's worth it. About 40 minutes?

The money's pretty good.

Okay.

And are you Welsh, lad?

No, not a drop. Not a drop. And what does it mean to be Welsh? I'll stand by that. Okay. Yeah, I don't know him. I'm just being curious about him.

Talk to me about the nickname. What was it again?

Buster Bacon.

It was Buster Bacon? Yeah.

They were going to call me Fatback at first. And then because I like jelly donuts and my mama didn't know the difference between a jelly doughnut and a goddamn jelly roll That she called me jelly roll. That was it. I ate bacon sandwiches It's a true story. Did a lot of people have nicknames where you're from

Mostly like rude names like knobhead wanker

There's a couple other ones like we I mean we did that too, but we would make that would be their name

Like we had one name shit stain There's a couple other ones. But like, we did that too, but that would be their name.

Like we had one guy named Shitstain. I'm not making this up, and we all called him Shit. His whole life. I never knew his real name to this day.