KT #768 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony Hitches!On the horns, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums makes them together.Shows Belgrano mulling on the electric John Dees on the keys.And believe it or not, this is indeed the one and only Dee Madness live in the flesh, everybody.Tonight's episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, is brought to you by Quo, PrizePix, Surfshark, and Cheers Health.So many fun advertisers we have.

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You know?Some nights are just a little bit better than others.Every single week I book this thing and I could not be more excited about tonight's booking.I think you're going to be excited too.Two of the greatest comedians in the world.Two of the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time.

Most importantly, two of my favorite friends on planet Earth.Make some fucking noise for Shane Gillis and James McCann, everybody.

Oh my God.

Two of the greatest guests in the history of the show.

Shane Gillis is back.Hello.Hey.

Shane has been a guest numerous times under different aliases at times.Sometimes, I mean, well, I mean, we've had the president of the United States on the show and sometimes as himself.Welcome back, Shayna.Shayna has a knack for tickling me under the table sometimes.No, I don't.

Yes, he does.

He fucking wishes.It's weird.He just squoze my thigh, really.I did not.He squoze it.He squoze it like it's a little pet gerbil or something down there.

My little gerbil thigh.Ew, dude.

The great James McCann is back, everybody.He is.Forbes McCann catamaran plan podcast.The only one of its kind.James, welcome back.

It's an honor to be here.I've never heard such a big, warm welcome from me before.

They love you, James.

I'm so honored to be here.

What a show!I'm really happy to be here.You guys have been guests numerous times before, but I'll remind you anyway, because it's been a while, James.You've been in Australia, now you're back.So let me remind you, over 250 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show.If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.Which is just loud and interrupts their set and then I conduct an interview.We talk with them about anything and we find out more about them.The whole thing's improvised.Anything can happen.

You guys ready to start tonight?fucking show?I'm gonna let this disabled truck driver pick the first name.There you go.Here it is.And it's out of the bucket.

There it goes.And it's off.Here we go.While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, I have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to debut a brand new minute.He does more minutes than any golden ticket winner in the history of the show.This will be fun.

Make some noise for the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Oh, my God.The great Martin Phillips.

What's up?Hey, cool.I would never do.human trafficking, because I hate regular traffic, you know?Like, who's doing this, right?

I'm okay.

Sometimes I like to wear women's clothes, you know?It's really tight, it makes me feel buff, you know?And people are like, man, Marty, you look so swole.I'm like, nah, this is my sister's dress, you know?Okay, okay, okay.I don't know.

Okay.I have school dances.They say, make room for Jesus.And they say, yeah, he's trying to grind too.He wants in on this.Is that a minute?

Exactly a minute, Martin Phillips.Welcome back, Martin.

Hello.How's it going?Okay.Okay.

Yeah, what do you got around your neck there?

What do you know?Oh, it's so there's one time I was out the show and I try to play harmonica I thought it could be my tank, but then I found out everybody fucking plays Her about anything fucking uncle laser.Yeah Yeah, Funko lasers can do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly, you know, so I look for a unique instrument nobody else could play.It's the dog whistle.That's a dog whistle?Dog whistle.Not a rape whistle, but it's a rape whistle if you're being assaulted by dogs.Wow.

Or it could be fun if a bunch of dogs saved you.

Well, yeah, I guess.It won't be fun.It won't work.

Either way, if you're getting raped, bring some dogs in the mix.

Yeah, bring my dog.

I mean, if it's you getting raped, the dogs would probably join in.They'd probably be like, this is easy.I'm going to bust a nut in this wobbly dude real quick.If I was a dog, that's what I would do.If I was a horny dog, I would fuck him.

The only thing holding me back from nutting in guys is I'm not a dog.

God damn it.I set myself up for that one.Oh, what is wrong with me?So I'm ignorant to the dog whistle.Does that attract dogs or does it scare them away?

They can scare us.

Let's hear a note there.Okay.All dogs listening to the podcast take your headphones off for a momentWow.Oh, by the sound of things, there are some scared dogs out there.

Pretty good, right?I think it's working.

So that's what you have.Have you played it around a dog yet?

My dog's deaf, so you don't really care about it.

Your dog's deaf?

Kind of blind.

You guys are a hell of a squad.

He's not my assistant dog.He cannot assist me whatsoever.

Wow.Neither of you can get on the plane?It's a service animal.

Amazing.

How long have you had this dog for?I adopted him last summer.And then I fostered him for like six months.And then I inadvertently lost him.Right.

Was he already deaf when you adopted him?

Yeah, he was a fucking old dude.You adopted an old dog?Yeah.

What made you want to do that?

After I lost him, it felt kind of bad.You know, paying for everything.

But you've blown the whistle near your dog?

Yeah.

No reaction whatsoever?No.

You open the door and come inside the apartment.He doesn't even know you're there.Wow.He's the worst.That's right.

That's right.

Well, Martin, you got the show started with another brand new minute.Thank you very much.We're going to switch over to The Bucket now.This is whereshit gets crazy this is where we meet new people maybe it's someone that's been on before that's done bad and maybe they do good this time maybe they did good last time and bad this time anything can happen you're gonna see it 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket bowl Cameron Shepard everybody here we go these are my tits make some noise everybody hell yeah I recently saw the worst documentary of my life, everybody.

I saw a documentary on Robert Wadlow.Now, Robert Wadlow is the world's tallest man in American history, okay?This sumbitch was 8 '11", alright?And on this documentary, they told you all the shit you didn't wanna know, alright?Like, oh, he had big glasses, he had big shoes.They didn't talk about his big stupid cock one time.

Yeah, not once.That's an 8 foot 11 man.That's a hell of a pecker.And I want to fucking see it, dude.What the hell?That could have been the greatest documentary in American history.

And it could have been really short, right?Robert Wadlow, world's tallest man, 15 inches soft.The fucking end.That's the end of the documentary.Leapfrog naked.Anyone ever tried it?

No?That's odd.You know, as a child, folks, I thought that's how you played the game, you know?I thought LeapFrog was a game you played nude.Come to find out, my uncle's just a weird guy.Thank you guys for your time.

I love you all.

Quite like that before.I mean, the design stops there.It looks like you put it on yourself.Is there something that you keep in that pocket specifically?

Mainly fentanyl, but nothing else.

Okay.How old are you, Cameron?

I am 26 years old, Mr. Tony.

Wow.You could have guessed anything there, and I would have accepted it, but 26 is one of the more depressing answers.

Oh, shit!

My goodness.What have you been doing with your life this whole time?A lot of stress?No, man.You look like you're your own dad.

I'm feeling good, man.

You look like you made you.

Where's Butthead at?Sir?Where's Butthead at?

Very good.You know it's bad when Red Band's roasting your ass.By the way, fun fact, we found out earlier Red Band has lost six pounds in two weeks, everybody.hold on hold on before you clap let me tell you how he's doing it he's switched from fried foods to only sandwiches he's on a sandwich only diet and his body so he told us in the green room and three other fat guys were like for real that worked What's going on with these child rapists and sandwich diets crazy Now Cameron you look like you've exclusively been eating McDonald's french fries your entire life How exactly do you keep that amazing frame that you have?What do you what type of protein package are you on Cameron?

So I'm not on any protein.I exercise a lot so I climb trees, and then I do backflips off of them.Okay.400 reps a day.

Okay.You should've been in the 90s, bro.You're perfect.What type of music do you like?You like, like, Sum 41?

No, I like, uh...

Sugar Ray?

Drill rap.I like that type.Drill rap?

What the fuck are you?

Like, British stabbing music?No.I'm an American.I don't...

You like...hard black killing people in the street music?

Oh yeah, straight from the block baby girl, you know?How many girl rappers can you name?Can you rattle off some for us?

Uh, 4 2 Duck, Chief Keef.

Okay.

FBG Duck, 4 2 Doug, I messed that up because I'm white and I lied.

Okay.What do you do for work Cameron?I work at a hardware store.What exactly do you do at the hardware store?

Okay, so some guy comes there, and he's like, and then some guy comes to me, and he's like, hey, I need a hammer, I need a drill, and some plywood, and I go get it.

Wow.That's why you like drill rep. Yeah.

Come on, folks.Folks.Folks.Folks.

Folks.Amazing.Were you being serious about the backflips, or was that a joke?

Dude, I'm fucking super serious about that.Can you do a backflip?

This guy will break his fucking neck.This guy has Owen Hart energies for days right here.It'll be the first fucking corpse we have to drag out of here.That coroner's gonna have a fucking lot on his hands.He's gonna be like, wait, he's got the body of a 50 -year -old, but his ID says 26.It's incredible.

Cameron, what do you do for fun?What are some hobbies in real life?Like not silly, backflip, tree climbing, like the real Cameron.

So I like to sing a little bit, you know, I like to sing some songs.

Are they originals?

No, I like to do homosexual covers of songs.

Okay.That's basically everything that I sing.That's incredible.So what exactly does that mean?

So like, uh, Michael Jackson specifically.

Oh, the mic side of the mic stand, folks.Wow.

So I go up there, and I'll be like, hey, pretty baby, can you feel my heart?

OK, you can't.Hold on.Let me stop.Yeah, that's crazy.That's insane.

Luckily, it's short enough that I think the YouTube censors won't pick it up.

Next time, I'm open with that.Oh, yeah.No context at all.Just walk out, flash your tits, sing that.Yeah.Do a backflip and leave.

Yeah.That's it.That'd be the best.

Yeah.You'll be a golden ticket winner in no time.

I'll take it right away.

I love it.Cameron, are you close with your parents?Yeah, very close.I love my mammy and papi very much.Where are they at?They're in Nashville, Tennessee, where I'm from.

Is that where you still live?No, I just moved here a month ago.Okay, what made you move to Austin, Texas?

It's just a great comedy scene with a lot of chants.

And do you think that Robert Wadlow material is your finest minute?Or is this something new that you're working on?Like, what made you go with that tonight?

I just love that joke and his big stupid cock.Yeah.

No, sing Michael Jackson.I was gonna ask.

Are there any other Michael Jackson homosexual covers?That was great.I have an Elvis one I can do.Okay.Well, since you fucked my ass.

All right, there you go.That's great.So it's basically everything.You just switch the lyrics to fuck the ass.Yep.Amazing.

Yeah, that is Incredible super simple.

Love it amazing.

I can tell you who only been here a month.This city's gonna be yours any day now Yeah, it's all yours Cameron.Here's a here's a big joke book.Why not?Ladies and gentlemen unbelievable live in the flesh her podcast is outHeidiRegina .com.

com.Also, check out the Kill Tony Band's YouTube at the Kill Tony Band.Look at the love.One more time for Heidi, everybody.Somehow wearing more clothes than Cameron Shepard was.Hey y 'all, this podcast is sponsored by Quo. If your business communications are basically a burner phone and a prayer, at some point you might just hit that wall where you're like, all right, I'm done with all this. Let's fucking Quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q -U -O, the business communication system built so that you never miss a call. Your entire team can handle calls and texts from one shared number. So no more missed messages or drop conversations. Everyone sees the full thread replies are faster and customers actually feel taken care of. Red band. Tony, I love Quo. It's the best business phone system, hands down. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3 ,000 reviews built for how modern teams work. For solo operators to growing teams, you can rely on it and stay connected, professional and constantly reachable. Quo works wherever you are, right from your phone or computer. Keep your existing number, add teammates in minutes, sync your CRM and let the call routing handle itself as you scale. Plus, Quo isn't just It's a smart one. AI automatically logs calls, generates summaries, and flags next steps so that nothing falls through the cracks. Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all in one clean view. So your team always has the full picture and can show up for every customer conversation. Money is on the line. And say hello with quote, try quote for free off your first six months dot com slash tony. That' Tony.

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Please consult with a qualified professional before making any trading decisions.Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for 60 seconds.Going to Liv Taylor.Liv Taylor, everybody.

What's up, Austin?uh i've been here for about a year now uh and there's onething I knew about Texas before living here.It's hot, right?But it does get, it gets pretty cold at night.It got pretty cold during the winter.

So cold that I needed help to sleep at night.So I started listening to Negro Spirituals.Yeah, you're like, this crazy bitch has got like Wade in the Water radio on Spotify.That's fucking crazy.No, it was just me being too lazy to change the battery in my smoke detector.Hell yeah.

I like to think that my dad was somebody to look up to as like an entrepreneur.It was just a really nice way of saying that he was a full -time crackhead.I don't know if you know this, but Zip Recruiter, excuse, fuck.A sponsor of Kill Tony actually used to report the average salary.

That's all your time?

That's it.

Where were you going with that, Zip Recruiter?

Zip Recruiter used to actually report the average salary of a full -time crackhead.

What does that mean?

You know how they have salaries for different careers?They had a full -time crackhead on there at one point.

Is that true?

It is.No, I'm just upset I didn't screenshot it at some point.But yeah, when I first started writing, I wrote a lot about my dad.He was actually a crackhead at one point.I was like, I wonder if this actually was a thing.So I looked it up, and it was surprisingly $97 ,000.

year To be a correct.I don't understand still like no matter how much explaining you do that.

That's fine.

Oh, yeah

I'm sorry, I'm the crackhead, it's fine.It passed down.

Is your dad still alive?

He is.

Okay.But he's not a crackhead anymore?

Not anymore.

How did he get, what made him stop doing crack?

Probably COPD and you know, just getting old.And it gets old.

I hear it stays young and beautiful forever.I've heard the reviews and it seems like the best drug there is. I wasn't going to anyway.You sing Michael Jackson at all?I thought the set was going really well until you used a word and then people were concerned.Yeah.

Negro?

Yeah.

It's weird to see a racist goth.You know?It's an interesting, it's a new racism.I never saw a goth.That's so crazy.

I'm Hispanic, does that count?

That's even crazier.Hispanic racist goth.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Where are you from?Sorry, Tony.No, it's good.Go ahead.

I moved here from Georgia, so.

Yeah.

Yeah.Checks out.

Checks out.

And how long have you been doing stand -up?

About two and a half years.

How's it going out here on these streets?

It's going pretty okay Yeah, I mean, I'm I work a lot.So I'm I where do you work?I'm a vet tech.

I yeah, that's right Yeah, where'd you get the cool Waffle House Jack?I wanted to ask.

Yeah, my my mom worked for Waffle House for like over 20 years That's amazing.

You can say it.Yeah 20 years, that's a pass for generational pass wow yeah dude oh my god that is

so cool.

Last time I was on I wore my mom's Undertaker shirt.It just wasn't noticed.It's a dope -ass shirt.

We love the Undertaker.Yeah, we do.His action figure has been connected to the bucket for a long time.

I'm obsessed, yeah.

Okay, so did your mom ever bring home any Waffle House drama?

My mom was like the peacemaker of the Waffle House.

Whoa.

So she she like took it.So she took in my so my sister in law has been with my brother since he was like 13.She's sick.She was she's only like three years older than him.But she my mom took her under her wing.She was in like a really bad relationship.

And so my mom was like, I need a babysitter.Come work at my house instead of here.And yeah, she was just more of like the, she didn't take, she didn't bring home drama.She was a good old Christian lady that just smoked weed.That was about it.Very good.

And both parents are Latino?

Uh, no, my, well, my dad is Puerto Rican.My mom's Italian, was Italian.

Was?

Yeah, she, she, where's it at, Redman?Come on now.

You have to say how she, how did she die?

Uh, she got hit by a car.

She got hit by a car.There you go.

There it is.Every goddamn time.

Wow.Amazing.Yeah, man. I bet by the end of that accident.She was smothered and covered and All right How long ago did that happen?

August of 23.Okay.She's the reason the her passing is the reason I started comedy.

So that's great Yeah, and it helps you you perform a lot.

Yeah I try to, yeah.I mean, I like living well now.I've been a vet tech for almost 10 years, and if anybody knows, vet techs don't make money.

You ever blow a dog whistle before?no What do you think it does do you think it attracts dogs or scares them away?

Uh, I think it perks their little ears, you know Unless they're sad and cropped and they're just up all the time.

Have you killed a lot of dogs?

I'm sorry, but it is where I give them drugs.They don't want Hold them down when they don't ask for it.Nice.I make them you ever well i was i was gonna say like i i make them go to sleep and you know we do things that they don't know about and wake them up it's like nothing ever happened i'm like you know snoop diddy yeah that's good thanks you should have done that don't don't do the uh spirituals one again little advice hallelujah live taylor you already have a big joke book I do...I don't have a medium one though.

No, that's okay.

That's okay.

Go fill it up.

Hey, better to ask than to not, right?

There you go.Liv Taylor, everybody, with another new minute.We're moving on.Moving on.Third bucket pool of the night.You guys having fun out there?

Make some noise for your next bucket pool.It's Frankie Gonzalez, everybody.Here comes Frankie.

Hey, Austin.How we doing?I come from a pretty weird family.My brother, he just came out of the closet.I threw him in there for being fucking gay.Nah, we love him, we love him.

Not publicly, but we love him, you know?I had to ask my dad, we'll see.Nah, I know I'm not gay, cause I kissed a man once and I felt absolutely nothing after I came, like I was...I was good.Yeah, we're roommates now.That's besides the point, you know?

I've been doing a lot more acid lately.Anybody else?Acid heads?Yeah?All right, pussies over here.I love it, dude.

I like taking a tab, going hiking, like in the forest.I found bigfoot ones, dude.I checked my phone later.It was just a bunch of pictures of my black friend like this.Can't use those.He's got a fresh ass fade.

You know what I mean?He looks good.I've only had one bad experience on Acid.It was this one time, I forgot that I ordered DoorDash, and I got a notification on my phone that said, Muhammad has your orders.He's on...Is that it, Frankie?

It was like 10 seconds more.Go ahead.I forgot that I ordered DoorDash, and I got a notification on my phone that said, Muhammad has your orders.He's on the way.So for like six hours, I thought I planned 9 -11.I was like...

What orders did I give out, dude?Popeye's, Pentagon, they're right next to each other, dog.

Fuck yeah, Frankie Gonzalez.Rock solid set.Welcome, welcome.How long you been doing stand -up, Frankie?Sorry?How long you been doing stand -up?

Oh, six years.Six years.Where at?San Diego.Nice.

You still live there or are you here now?No, I still live here.Just visiting.

Nice.What do you do for a living?How do you make money?

Well, mainly stand -up is taking up half of the income now, so that's what's up.How about the other half?I work at the YMCA.Okay.What do you do at the YMCA?Shout out the Y. I'm a trainer.

I work reception.They don't let me in the fucking back.They don't let me in there.It looks bad.if I work people out, you know.

I just like, I like the Hispanic pronunciation of YMCA.Oh, what?

How?I haven't heard that.What?

YMCA?

What?YMCA?You can hear it.Can you guys hear it?Let me hear it.YMCA?

All right, that was fine.All right.

Fucking whited it up.Sorry.San Diego.I'm sorry.No matter what ethnicity you are, if you're born in San Diego, you're white.I have a lot of black friends from San Diego that are super white.

Oh, they're all white?Yeah.Yeah, that makes sense.Except for when, like, there's a chance to have, like, a guilt or anything.Then they're like, I'm totally black.You know what I mean?

Unless they're in court, you know.Are you really a trainer at the YMCA?Oh no, I work reception at the YMCA.Okay, that makes sense.

James McCann.I don't know if you guys can see, but you got a lot of cute anime tattoos.You got a little ghost here.You got a lady on the arm.Oh, this is an actual one though, yeah.What's happening with all the anime Japanese tattoos?

I thought I went through a phase when I was 20.I regret it.You're just horny as hell.I was.It was during COVID.

You're so horny, you got a fucking tattoo?

Well, yeah, you know, she was dope in that one show.Nobody knows who the fuck this is.

That's OK.

How are you doing?

OK, good question, Frankie.

I want to tell you this.I'm actually coming to San Diego to do a show next week.And I would like to invite you to come and watch that show.

Wow.Oh, shit.Frankie Gonzalez.activated the light front row yeah sure still available front row seats still available for James's big show next week in San Diego Frankie do you really have a gay brother is that just a joke I do yeah hella gay yeah okay has he always been gay how did you win how old were you when you realized your brother was gay oh he's a couple years older than me so he's

about 30 now.He used to eat his ice cream cones a little bit too passionately.Oh, shit.He used to let it drip down his head.I was like, that's just inconvenient.Why would you want that to happen?

That's when I realized it.

And what do your parents think about him being gay?

They didn't like him for the first couple years, but my dad's getting older, so I think he feels bad now.

When you say they didn't like it, did they verbalize that?

They didn't speak to him for about two years.Did they talk to you about it?Oh, yeah, they did.Like, why is he gay?Right.And I was like, I don't know.

There was that one time when I was eight.

You guys have a quinceanera for him?

He wanted one.

He wanted one.

What's the gayest thing you've ever seen him do?

Oh, I woke.I fell asleep on the couch one time.I got really drunk.I was like 20 years old.I fell asleep on the couch.I wake up.

A man comes.I was living with him alone.A man comes out from the room.He comes out.They both walk out the front door.Two minutes later, a second man comes out from the same room and leaves out the front door.

He comes back in and says, don't tell mom and dad.And that's all we ever talked about.He's about five foot four.I don't think he was one of the guys on top, if you know what I'm saying.Spinner.Wow.

Yes.Wow.

Wow.Frankie that is incredible.And how about you?Do you have a girlfriend?I do.Yeah.

Where'd you meet her at?San Diego.

Where in San Diego?Just at a bar.Just a brewery.And then you went up to her.What'd you say?

Yeah, she looked like she I like I have a Jewish fetish.Ooh.She looked.Wow.

So you saw her.She was picking up a nickel off the ground.

Well, I tossed it, so like, there we go.Hell yeah.So it was cool.She had the right hair.She just looked extra dewy that day.It was like dark and curly or what?

Yeah, dark and curly.I was like, I could catch this one.Hell yeah.Absolutely.

And what was your first date?What was your first experience with her like?Did you hook up with her that night after the bar?

Yeah, we hooked up that night.So let me guess, you picked up the tab?Yeah, well, we split it.Whoa.Wow.Yeah, no, it was a big move by her.

So I knew she was one of the good ones, you know?Yeah.No, we went back to her place that night.And the problem is I had a shift at the Y at 7 AM.And I told her that.And she said, OK, well, if you had to go to work.

And I was like, well, if somebody who really wanted this dick would be like, hey, skip work for me.And she didn't say that, which really kind of hurt me a little bit.But we did end up fucking.And it was cool and everything.Hairy, but, you know, Jewish.It was fine.

I woke up the next morning, no foreskin.Where did it go?

Wow, Frankie.

That didn't happen, though.

I don't know if she's not mad that I told everybody that, because that's literally what happened.Jewish girls get mad about anything.

Oh, she complains a little.

Yeah.But this wasn't your first Jewish rodeo.

Oh, God, no.You love the Jewish.I'm sniffing them out.I got to.Wow.I like to invest.

I like to.It's like in Gloria's Basset.He goes into bars and he's like, are you harboring enemies of the state?I'm going to speak Spanish now.

Amazing, Frankie.Congratulations.Very fun set.Very fun interview.Here's a big joke book.There you go.

So much.Frankie Gonzales making his kilt.debut.We are rolling, everybody.How do you do?This podcast is sponsored by Cheers Health.

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After your purchase, they will ask where you heard about them.Please support our show and tell them we sent you.This is a one word name, your next bucket poll everyone, those are always interesting.Our first one word name of the night, make some noise for Dicky everybody, it's Dicky.

My name's Dicky.I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah, home of the Mormons.I never realized how blessed I was to be Mormon until I got older and started really living that life of sin.You see, I started seeing ads, and the number one solution for men who can't get hard or losing their hair or need to lose weight is called hymns.I've been singing those Mormon hymns like a motherfucker lately.Pray to God every time I need some chick to be into me, I just start doing a little hum when I'm doing my business.

Just humming a little hymn.But yeah, now I'm getting older.I'm 36.My homies stopped partying as much.I actually got sober now.We went out to eat some dinner the other day, and I told them I had acid.

Two of them were buckling up for a good time.The other one tossed me some Pepto B. I was like, God, man. I mean, it's true.I'm capable of both.I have the good times, and I have the fucking reflux.Damn.That was rough.

Picky.Dickie, I thought you were gonna end up on drums by the end of that 60 seconds.You're moving farther and farther back from the microphone.You understand that that red device is what picks up the sound.Oh, dude, it's getting me hotter, I swear to God.Okay, step, but you have to talk right into the tip of that thing.

Oh, okay.Whoa.

Baby boy, what the hell?Yeah.The set may have gone better, but I could hear it perfectly fine.It wouldn't have.James McHale.Oh, God.

No one says the tip of that thing.I've done this for a while.I've never heard someone go, you got to talk right near the tip of that.

I'm not used to working the tip like that.

Right into the bulbous head of the microphone.Put your mouth, hold it by the shaft.Talk to the tip.tip.That's what's going on.

Dickie, all I was gonna say is there's a lot of setbacks in this business and there's a lot of things that are gonna make you think you can't keep going but I've never seen anyone...I just thought getting it out of the mic stand would be one of the easier ones to get over.Because there's gonna be so much worse stuff that happens in your dream of being a stand -up comedian.Oh, yeah, getting the microphone out of the mic stand.Dude, that thing was scary.I was like, is this thing working?

You still haven't taken it out.

Grab it, touch it.I believe in you.

Powerful, powerful.

Got Excalibur over here.Dickie is sweating bullets, ladies and gentlemen.

He is soaking wet.He was dry as hell when he came out.He's dripping at this moment.I don't care.God damn it, man. I flew out here.I didn't sleep last night at all.

I was nervous as fuck.OK.It's OK.Dicky, we're going to get to that.Relax.Oh, man.

So how long have you been doing attempting stand -up comedy?

Dude, this is like my second time.

OK.So where was your first time?When was that?

It was in Salt Lake.When?Uh, probably six months ago.So six months ago you did an open mic?Yeah, I was on Mushrooms.Okay.

Somehow I did way better.Well, you think you did.

You were probably nowhere near the microphone.

The magic of Mushrooms, I guess, dude.

You were probably in the lobby by yourself.At least I was having a good time.Absolutely.So Dickie, was that at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City?Yeah, it was at Wise Guys.Okay.

And you're saying that it went well for you.It went pretty well.So well that you're like, you know what, I'm gonna take six months off,and go on the biggest comedy show in the world.

That's what the fuck I did.I was like, no bars.You know, I just went sober and I feel like, like I'm pretty much invincible almost.Just basically, obviously not, but I feel that way.I feel like I'm some sort of genius as well, but I'm just not really stupid anymore.

It's perfect.Let's check in with James McHale.I was just, I mean, I know you said you're a Mormon from Salt Lake City, but Are you also Hispanic?Because the last few people were Hispanic and you have the same intonation.No, man, no, I'm the mustache and the tattoo and the yeah, well great.

Yeah.I'm just a good old white boy from Utah It's just a fine in the last 3x.

There's a strong vibe tonight.

There it is an extremely Latino presence here Contrary to my haircut.Oh, all right, Dickie relax.I figured you know what back from the microphone a little bit Got a getting a little too close to that thing So Dickie, what do you do for work?I'm a bartender and server a bartender and a server But meanwhile, you're saying that you've been sober for how long about six months.So what made you get sober six months ago?

Uh, just a lot of really bad shit.Like what?

That's the good stuff.That's what we like to find out about here.

Um, I got in an accident.I just, uh...

You were drinking and driving?Yeah.Okay.Got a Dewey, which is...What kind of accident?

Let's talk about it.We love...

It was like, there wasn't a ton of damage or anything.I sideswiped something.

Sideswiped a truck.What did you sideswipe?Okay, a truck.Yeah.I thought it was the one girl's mom.

Well, that too, dude.If she's in Utah, there's a high chance of that.

Did you at least step up to the breathalyzer, or were you like?

Yeah.I was running.That's where I got that from.When I'm scared, I just go back into the drums.Sorry, brother.

He's literally running into the drum set.

Dude, fight or flight.

Yeah.

Yeah.Okay.And I did get resisting, so it was more of a fight.

Okay, tell us about that.Like, take us through the experience.So you sideswipe a truck.Do you immediately see lights?Like, what happens?

I just fucked up.I was an idiot.I was just like, man, I'm not even drunk.And...Hold on.

Again, take us through it.So you're driving.Do you remember hearing you hit a truck?Do you remember any of it?

Yeah, I was like...I was like, holy shit, I just hit a truck.Okay.And so it was actually parked illegally.It was sticking out, but it was my fault.I was an idiot.

I was an idiot.I was like, oh, that car's parked illegally.

Did you stop and pull over immediately after sideswiping the truck?

Yeah, because I didn't want to get the fleeing the scene.I literally didn't think I was drunk, so it fucked me over.

Okay.How long until the cops showed up?

Um, it was probably like three minutes.It was right downtown.So wow, I see you just waited there, dude I didn't think I was drunk and I didn't want to get fleeing the scene But you were more worried about getting fleeing the scene than getting a blatant DUI.

Um The truck driver wasn't the truck.There was no one there.It was just you what the truck was parked No, there was someone in the other truck Oh, okay.I'm sorry.I thought it was parked illegally.Got it.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, it was?Okay, okay.

It was parked, but someone was in it.

Oh, okay.I see.

Yeah, no, it was stupid.Definitely stupid, Tony.

What was your...What'd you blow?

What did you blow?Now I wish this mic was off.You don't have to say it, but it's funny to me. I got 0 .25.Holy shit.And you didn't think you were drunk?Wow.

That was just another day, dude.That was just another day.I was like 11 AM.And isn't that you told alcohol?Three times.It was at 11?

No, no, no.

I'd been partying the night before.It was pretty wild, dude.I have some wild stories.That's why you're sweating.You're a pickle.

I was drunk.Yeah, because I'm not used to being sober with this much stress on me, man.So that's three times over the legal limit.

Oh, yeah, bro.Were you on drugs at the time?It's OK.You just got to let it out now, buddy.

Shout out to my probation officer, Tracy, for writing me off on coming over here.

You did shrooms six months ago.

Well, yeah, six months ago.But I was on a little bit of boomies.

What exactly is boomies mushrooms mushrooms, okay?See we're three times over the legal limit and on mushrooms, so I nailed the test dude.

I swear to God If you see the footage if you see the footage I nailed the test That's so much worse than if you didn't if you were at point two five and you were getting that, you're slamming that test.That's so scary.I know, that's why I stopped drinking.What do you have to get to to be drunk?You gotta be just one.

That was so, I've been checked into the hospital at like point four or something.Yeah, so that's when I was like, and that's not even when I stopped drinking.I just stopped drinking like six months ago after I got out of jail last time.I was like, man, fuck this shit.

So tell us about the resisting arrests that you got on this card six months ago.

Man, they just can't handle a little shit, dude.

Like what?

And they fucked up my day.

I'm gonna fuck up theirs, you know, okay You're saying everything except answers to the question right now.

I love you didn't flee the scene I'm fine I'm staying.

I'm not gonna flee, but I'm gonna stone -cold stun this fucking police officer.

They didn't want none, dude.I was just chilling.I was just, like, kind of telling them to take off their fucking body cams and shit, trying to go head up, you know?Like, they weren't...

You were gonna fight the police.

I would love to, but I can't.I can't.That's incredible.My officer is after this dude backstage.He's ready for me, man.Get stunned before I go back there.

Wow.You are a wild man.Yeah, dude.I'm chilling now though.

I'm sober I'm not trying to go back to jail no more Was this comedy set that you did was that before or after that open mic at the hell the comedy set?

Yeah, that was open mic That's all I've done that one.

I'm asking if the charge that you got was before or after you started comes after okay?

Yeah, okay Get that out of there.

Wait, what?There's another one?No, it's good.Tell us about that.It's very compelling.You're doing...

It's very likable.You're very likable.Yeah, you have the...It doesn't sound good, dude.No, it's great.You have the best interview of the show so far.

Right, everybody?The honesty is bleeding through.

Fuck, I know.Like, I'm just, like, ashamed of all my Mormon family right now.

It's great.You've turned your life around.Don't come home.

No, it's great.It's great.No, I've turned my life around, yeah.It's good.

Okay.Um, so what was the other charge?What else have you been arrested for?

I have a couple.Like, it's just, what do you, what do we want to talk?I have another DUI.I got, like, raided when I was, like, a while ago.

You got raided?Yeah.Oh, fuck yes.What did you, what did you get raided for?

Just having fun, dude.Just fucking living life, man.

This guy is unbelievable.You have, like, your own thing.I don't know if you...

I don't even think you know how funny you accidentally are.

I own Salt Lake, and they just, like...They're like, man, we have to arrest him again.They don't like doing it.You know, like...I bring the good times to Salt Lake.Oh, my God.

This guy's a fucking machine.

So what were they raiding you for?

Well, that was...Okay, this is a story.Okay.

Here we go.

Got her a straining order against this crazy chick uh -huh because she kept showing up to my house.Yeah, so she went so farthat she reported me to the DEA.Oh, shit.Yeah.For what?

Growing mushrooms?G and a G, dude.They just...No.No, there's no G in DEA.No.

That was it.She's like, this guy is off the charts.He's got to be on something.That's all it was.

So they raided you, and what did they find?

For me, they found that you were a G. No, that's when I found out, dude, how to find the hard way.But no, dude, they hit me with some, like, weapons charges.What kind of weapons?Hold on.This guy is guilty as fuck.Dude, I did my shit, you know?

I took care of it, man. I'm out here to reform.

What kind of weapons did you have?Jazz racy.Oh shit!Oh my god.Oh, Chase is the probation officer.Yeah.

Okay.So what weapons did you have?

Just like normal weapons.Like what's a normal...So like me personally, I had a couple roommates at the time.

Uh -huh.

One of them had like an AR.I had like... a shotgun, and three pistols.

Three pistols.Yeah.Just in case you have to shoot people with both hands and your feet.

You just shoot shit for fun, man.Right.It just depends on, like, someone really fucks with you.It's like, well, just, you know, just.Right.Might get a little AR action.

You never know.Absolutely.Fucking wild out there, man.

You are so wild.I spent so much time with you on the interview.It's crazy.And by the way, I don't want to move on.I have, like, 1 ,000 more questions, but I literally have for the sake of the format of the show.But I feel like we, I feel like we are just cracking the surface of your wild ass.

So sign up again sometime and we'll ask you more questions.There he goes, everybody.That's Dicky, everyone.

Thank you, guys.

I feel like Dicky's gonna break his sobriety tonight.Be careful out on those streets, everybody.Dicky may have rented a car here tonight.All right, your next Bucket Bull goes by the name of Ronaldo Mercado, everybody.Ronaldo Mercado.

What's up?My name is Ronaldo.Good to see you guys.I am, uh, I'm a Mexican guy.I'm a half.My mom is white.

My dad is missing.Uh...I was, like, raised by a single mom.My mom had to raise me herself, so she had to be, like, a single mom.She had to do both things at the same time, you know?My mom had to fill my dad's shoes, which is hard, you know?

Because my mom had to be a mom and a Mexican dad.Do you know how hard that is?My mom had to take me to baseball practice, and then she had to mow the outfield afterwards, okay?I'm serious.My mom had to put a roof over my head, literally.She built it.

She shingled it, okay?My mom had to build a table so she could get paid underneath it, okay?All right?And if it was like that for me growing up, that means it's like that for other kids who also have mixed -race parents, but only have one parent in the house, right?So that means that somewhere out there, there is a black mom who has to be a white dad.And every day she has to go up to her kid and go, hey, you ready, Freddy?

Yeah.Renault Mercado, everybody.Fantastic fucking set.Thank you.You've been on the show a couple times before, right?Yeah.

Yeah.Awesome.It's my third time.I love it.Fantastic.Welcome.

Welcome.Thanks for having me.Of course.Yeah, it's the buckets fault.

But yeah, of course.

So tell us, how's life been?What's going on?

It's good, man.Things have been fun.Been doing a roast battle here in the city, did a roast battle here at the club, and I won.Shit was awesome.Shit's been fun, man.It's been great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What else?How about in like real life?Just been boozing a lot.Uh, you know, doing a lot of drinking.Uh, mostly that.I got so drunk the other night, I went and ordered a torta from a Mexican food truck.

And then I was walking down the street, and I was trying to find where my waymo was, but I was looking at my phone with my torta in this hand, and then I tripped, and I hit the curb, and I smacked my knee, and I fell really hard.And I fell so hard that some dude behind me was like, yo, are you okay?And I didn't turn around.I was embarrassed.Did you drop the torta?

I did.

Tell me there's not a big Hispanic vibe tonight.

There is.There is. I can confirm there's definitely a vibe.Contrary to the mainstream news' reports of deportations, they appear to be deporting them to Shakespeare's, the bar next door.It was what ICE is doing.Shane, what's going on?You cooking up something?

No, no, no.It's just, he's got the knocked -loose on it.It's another goth Hispanic.

Yeah, they are.They're very goth.When I was El Nino.

Hey, sometimes a Fato just gets sad and shit.It's different for Mexican emo, guys.Because you guys, right, you white emos.Shane.Shane's a white emo.He likes corn, right?

You listen to corn, but we listen to elote.That's good.I say counting worms is good.I'm no sabo.I don't know how to speak that shit.I'm from St. Louis.

I'm from the Midwest.I've built nothing in my life.Santa Luis.Hey, the pinche Azul.

Ronaldo fan.What do you do for work, Ronaldo?

I used to work at a Home Depot.Wow.That is true, but now I just, I'm a door guy at the Sunset Strip.

I work over there.Whoa!Look at that.Red Band had that sound effect ready.Sunset Strip's a real party down there.I love it.

Well, Ronaldo, you did fantastic.I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.Absolutely.Let's do it.Here you go, Ronaldo.Boom.

Ronaldo Mercado, everybody.We have a regular, ladies and gentlemen, who, uh, fucking, uh, is awesome.He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.You know him, you love him.He was once the Dark Storm of Atlanta.He's now the Dark Storm of Austin.

Make some noise for the great Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Oh, man, it's summertime.I love summertime because my white friends show back up.They go into hiding when it's wintertime.I just, I miss flexing how good my white friends is, like on the internet.Like all of my black friends and family, they hit me up after I post a story of me on another jet ski that I didn't just pay for.And they're like, hey, share your white friends with us.

And I'm like, no nigga, y 'all don't know how to act.Y 'all don't know how to act at all.Like I got better white friends than white people.Like what did you do last weekend?I was at WrestleMania.I was at WrestleMania because my white friends took me.

It was a great time.So I finally decided to take mybrother out to a sandbar party.Sandbars is this thing that happen in the ocean, and like a piece of land come up, and then you take a boat over there, and then you get to claim the land, right?So I'm really giving my brother his 40 acres and a mule, right?I'm really just putting on for him.

And after about 40 minutes of arguing with that nigga, he finally took his Air Force Ones off at the beach.Right?Because he looked me dead in my eyes and he was like, ain't nobody gonna see my toes.Right?And I respect boundaries.And so we, this nigga, he got his socks in the sand.

And when you, when you at a sandbar, it's important that when like another group of white people come, you gotta fight these niggas to the death.You gotta, you gotta play like beer pong and flip cup.And then the loser gotta, they gotta go.And they was real happy to have two black friends there.Nigga, we held the island the whole day.After because like the week before it was like yo, did you when you coming out?

We just lost six islands, you know I'm saying they brought a black friend.You was supposed to be here, you know suit up.

That's my time I'm dead Rick Flynn with another brand new one minute 55 seconds always working overtime every single week You did it again, did you sir?What are sandbars like?I've never actually been to one.

Oh bro, you gotta...I'll introduce you to my white friend.It's literally just like a mini beach.And then...

You take like a boat out there?

Yeah, we take the boat.We got like kegs of beer and like we have our own bar.We gotta like bring out like the portable speaker and just party on that like beach bar.

Okay.It's a lawless country.Sounds like fun.But there's water all around you, right?Yeah, I don't get in that.

Right.Yeah, I do the drinking game.like that, where we play like Dizzy Bat.You know what Dizzy Bat is?Uh -uh.Oh, let me fucking tell you.

You take a plastic baseball bat, and you cut it off by the handle, and you got to pour a beer in there, and then you chug it.And however many seconds it take you to chug it, you got to put the bat on your head and spin around, and them niggas throw the can at you.And if you hit it, you good.But if not, you got to go again.Oh, shit.

I mean this totally out of respect.Can you swim?No.I don't, I ain't really look to swim.I get it.I take, I take, I, I'm the white guy that takes some black guys out on boats sometimes, not like Tony would, but.

But they, then we start drinking and they start getting confident in their swimming ability.No, I put that, I put that vest on.And they jump in.At first they're like holding on to the side of the boat like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, yeah, that's me.

Drink five, they're like, I can swim pretty good.And then I got to save them.Yeah, it's fucking La Mer and Nate.Yeah, it really is.They're tough to wrangle.

I can imagine why deep in the genetic memory black guys might not want to get on a white guy's butt.That was cheap.I apologize.Don't bring that up.Okay.Don't bring that up.

Well, because I didn't do it, so it's funny to me, but you guys.Yeah, but what you guys do.We don't want to talk about what we did.

It wasn't great, what we did.Hey.I know exactly what you did.They eradicated an entire, whatever.

Aborigines?

Yeah.Y 'all love taking them out.

Well, we say sorry sometimes.

It was also like the 70s.Crazy when they did it.Men Down Under came out, or Men at Work came out while that was happening.

Gotta have a good soundtrack when you're doing a genocide.True.Vietnam.That shit rocks.Hell yeah.What a cool Eddie Guerrero shirt you're wearing.

I just want to say.That is true.

Hell yeah.

That was good.You tricked me. I was high enough for that.Damn.

Dedrick, you did it again.Another fantastic two minutes.We love you, Dedrick.It goes on and on.

later buddy your next bucket pool everybody goes by the name of oh how about one more time for heidi everyone that's the lovely heidi and we're gonna keep it moving your next bucket pool 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to brandon fields everybody here comes brandon my god i am high as alien pussy right now uh don't smoke weed before you do this i'm telling you it's not a good thing anyway my my name is brandon um yeah i'm a black guy with a white name so i mean Believe it or not, I get judged more about what kind of phone I have more than being black these days.Believe that?It's like, oh, you got an Android?This nigga got an Android.I can't take it.Why y 'all judge people off of their phones, man?

Because I got an iPhone and I'm not cool?Because I don't have an iPhone and I'm not cool?Maybe.All right, fuck y 'all.Anyway, yep, I got a white name.White thing about me, I can swim.

Unlike that dude on House Arrests back there.That just left the stage.He was actually on house arrest.I saw that ankle monitor and shit.Thank you, I'm Brandon.

Okay, Brandon Fields.Welcome to the show, Brandon.You did nothing.Let's talk about it.How long you been doing stand -up?

On and off for like three years.for three years.Where at?

What part of Tampa or Atlanta exactly?

Actually, I started in Colorado.Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Colorado Springs and Denver.And now I'm here.Okay.What were you doing in all these white places?I was in the military.I was in the army.

Oh, nice.Hell yeah.What were you doing in the army?

Shooting shit.

Bombing.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.Did you ever fight overseas?

I did not.I didn't want to because I joined at a older age.I was 32 when I joined.

32.So what's the craziest thing you did when you were in the military?What's the hardest?

Well, we had a cool night shoot with big 50 cows and white hot scope and stuff like that and all night out there and blowing shit up.Yeah.So that was pretty cool.Where do you live now?I live in Closet Manor.

Maynard, Texas.Yes.How far is Maynard?About 15, 18 minutes.Oh, okay.Yeah, it's not far.

All right.So you're doing comedy in Austin a lot.

Not that much.I'm on and off.This is actually my first time signing up.

You always wear that hat.Do you always look like someone dipped the Gordon's Fisherman in chocolate?Is that hat your thing?Are you attached to the hat?

I mean, I'm trying to get used to it, but I have a big forehead, so...Can we see it?

Do you mind showing it to us?The world wants to see that big forehead.oh Michael Gonzales with a very loud goddamn he saw that forehead I'm kind of used to it so you're fighting the good fight with the forehead yeah Wow.When did that start?Was that recent?No, that was from birth.

Oh, okay.You always had a big forehead.

God kind of dropped his elbow in the back of my fucking head and shit.

Yeah.Yeah.Came out the front.Absolutely.

So what do you do for work now?Um, actually, I just quit my job last week.What was the job?I was a salesman.

What were you selling?

Flooring, tile, hardwood floors, stuff like that.Okay.You weren't good at it?No.No.How long did you do that for?

About a year.Since I got here.And I worked at, like, floor and decor and shit before, so selling floors and shit.

Did you quit real professionally?Did you give, like, a two -week notice, or was it, like, that day?Oh, you see I'm black, right?Well, I mean, I know.I'm just setting you up.

Hell no.I quit right on the spot.Actually, my manager, my old manager, he watches this show at work all the time, so he's probably gonna see this.Sorry, bro, I had to quit.Got a better job.What was the last straw?

What made you quit on that day?Um...I just didn't feel like it no more.And I got another job, so.What's the new job?New job selling tires.

OK.All right.

Hey!Selling tires.Yes, sir.I think you'd be good at that, since you kind of look like one.

Yeah, I'll start tomorrow, so.Hell yeah.

It's going to be a good year for you.

Come on.Come on, folks.So yo, you didn't.That was a tire joke.What?It was good.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.It was good.Speaking of tires, season three still out on Netflix.

Coming soon.Did you make any money with the flooring thing?No, I can't suck.

You can, it's commission and stuff.

Yeah, I tried to sell bathtubs.Yeah?Fucking zero dollars.I worked there.I didn't make a single dollar.Yeah, I've been pretty broke.

They just trick people at Home Depot.They're like, do you want us to come remodel your house?And they're like, yeah, sure.

you the dumbest people on earth say yes and then you got to drive to their house and be like i can design you a bathroom get out of my house no i never let home depot design your shit i was just a shitty salesman i don't know i'm a short black shit that look like he'll steal your shit.

I think you're gonna be a great tire salesman.I think you could sell anybody a pair of tires.You gotta believe in yourself.I was a great door -to -door salesman.I sold cable television after Netflix had been invented.That's not easy.

But I believe in you.You gotta look them in the eye and you gotta say, you better fucking buy these tires or I'm gonna kill your family.

Like I said, I'm black, bro, I can't do shit like that.

Are you from Colorado Springs?

Hell no, I'm from Florida.

Oh, okay.Wait, I was right?Yeah, the army, yeah.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida.Close to Tampa?Fort Lauderdale.Yeah.Close to Miami.Close enough.

Yeah.Yeah, close enough.Amazing.So, have you practiced selling tires yet?

Are you prepared for this?No, I mean, how hard can it be?You got a flat tire.I got a new one here.

I agree.You made everyone in the room tired in just 60 seconds.

There's more to it.I've had tires sold to me in this country.You got to do the pitch.You really do.You got to go, well, we can give you these cheap tires.I guess that's fine if you're ready to spin off the road and die.

I guess if you're ready to accidentally sideswipe a truck that's parked badly or have your mother explode in a car accident, I guess those are the tires you could get.Or you get these fancy tires.

Brandon let me ask you a question.What's up?What do you think is the whitest thing about you like in your daily routine or at home or something like that or even maybe your nightlife?What do you what's something that you do that you think might be the whitest thing about you Brandon Fields?

You don't know man. I'm pretty black, bro.Okay.

Well then let me ask the follow -up question.I swim like oh, okay.Perfect.We'll count that.All right.Yeah, here's the good part.

What's the blackest thing about you?

Um, got a couple charges.Don't rob the couple niggas.And back in my day, back in my, I'm too old.What did you do with the friends of yours?

I missed that part.

I robbed a couple people.

Okay.No.Okay.How did you do that?Did you do that with a weapon perhaps?

No, I just steal their shit.

Oh shit.Why they not looking?I was a petty thief.I wasn't good at it.Okay.What's the most you ever got in a thievery?

Um, I actually got like $600 one time.

Whoa, not bad.That's pretty good.

Yep.

Was that off of a white woman?Yes.

How did you know?I'm sick of you talking yourself down.You're saying I'm bad at selling floor.I'm bad at selling tires.I'm bad at robbing a white woman.I think you were good at robbing that white woman.

I think you focus, you set your mind to it, you do anything you want.Damn it.

Just out of my own curiosity, even though I should end this now, what was the situation with this white woman?Just out of curiosity.Was it at a bar?Was it at a beach?What was going on?

I was working security at a mall.Uh -huh.Perfect.Perfect.

That lease was...It was an inside job.That's great.

Hell, yeah.She lost her wallet.

Ah.

And I found it.

Was in your...Did she report it to you?

No, she was reporting to the store and I'm like, oh yeah, I have a wallet, came out, here you go.That's not robbery, you're stealing from the Lost and Found.

Yeah.I want you to grow to have the self -confidence to threaten to kill a bitch.Damn it.

You never stole from the Lost and Found?No.Why not, man?It's free shit.

Well, I might rummage through on the way out of here, I never thought about it before.Do we have a Lost and Found at the club?I shouldn't talk about it.

Brandon, you are leaving here with a small black joke book, so it goes along with your everything.But sign up again.All right, we're gonna keep it moving along here.Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Lucas Hinderleider, everybody.Here comes Lucas Hinderleider.Yeah, that's a Lucas Hinderleider.

Thank you, guys.My name's Lucas.I had a weird day today.I walked into a porta potty that didn't have any toilet paper in it.So I walked out of that porta potty wearing only one sock.Yeah, yeah.

Because I had to wipe with the rest of my clothes.Y 'all ever do that?Y 'all ever walk out of a porta potty with a sock on your dick?Oh, you thought it was on my foot?Oh no, it was on my dick.It's good to be here.

I was hanging out with my grandpa recently.My grandpa's getting old.I was in his room recently, I found a box in his room that was labeled, barely legal porn.Yeah.Now in 2026, barely legal porn is 18 year old girls.But my grandpa sold that it was all just interracial.

Thank you.

Fantastic.A genuinely good joke.Lucas.Tinder lighter.I love it.Welcome.

Welcome.Have you been on this show before Lucas?Yes.I remember you.Welcome back.How's everything been going?

Fine.

I love it.

How long you been doing stand up?

10 years on and off 10 years.

Very good.

Where at?I started in St. Louis, and I did in New York for a while.Now I'm here.How long have you been here?About two years.

What do you do for work?I sell motorcycles for a living.Ooh, interesting.One of the more interesting things we've heard being sold tonight.How do you do that?What's your pitch?

Do you want to get pussy, dude?Fuck yeah.

I'd be like, no.No way.No.

What about a sidecar?

Oh, what a dream.

That is your fucking dream?Yeah, you should get a motorcycle and I'll ride in the sidecar, dude.Come on.

You love those fucking rickshaw bike rides.

You want to be in a sidecar so badly.I do.I love pedicabs.

Actually, sidecar would be sick.Yeah.I would like to be in a sidecar.

I'm just being a regular car.My size.Yeah, whatever.I love it.Lucas, you got a girlfriend?

Yeah.Okay.Does she do comedy too?

No, she's a musician.

Ooh, what kind of musician is she?

Uh, like, you know, white girl, sad music.I love it.Yeah.She's successful?Yeah, she just got a boob job today.

Whoa.Yeah.Red band wants to know her name.account.

Her music must be great.

Yeah.

I like how big.You've never had a better opportunity to help her career and give her a shout out.There you go, yeah.

And you've gone straight to fresh new tits.Yeah.I got her Instagram.Yeah, her music's fucking whatever, but she did get new tits, so her career is about to take off.

Red Band had a good question.How big did she go with the tits?

I don't think too big.Yeah, I don't know.I told her I didn't want her to get them.I protested.Yay.Wow.

Why?That's exactly what she said.She called me gay.What was your theory on not wanting her to get a boob job?We haven't even been dating that long.We've been dating like three months.

And I just got used to her body.Now she's about to change it.I don't know.

Right, you're scared.

Yeah, here's what I'm scared of.I'm scared, she is way hotter than me. I'm scared, yeah, she's gonna leave me.

Right, that makes sense.But maybe she wants to please you.Have you seen them yet?

No, she just got out like a couple hours ago.

She's gonna be so mad at this.It's okay, no, she's not gonna be.So you have seen the new tits?I have not, no.Okay, so you must be excited.Are you gonna see them tonight?

I don't think that's how...I think she's bandaged up or something.I don't know.

I don't want to see, like, stitches and shit, you know?Wow.I don't know how they do it, though.Maybe they just aired them up.I don't know.Could be.

They don't have stitches.They don't have stitches?And you have to massage them for a couple months, so you get...Yo, you are so fucking weird.

See?Why would you know anything about that?He knows everything.My ex.My ex did that.But she left you after the test.

Yeah, exactly.Yeah.Yeah, that's not a good sign.But whatever.It's coming.

Yeah.Amazing.So you're you don't want to see stitches or any damage.whatsoever.

Man, I don't, I'm afraid, like, I know they're going to look fine, but I'm afraid, like, that first picture, I'm afraid they're going to look crazy.Like, I don't know, like, lopsided or some shit.She lives in Canada, so it was, like, free healthcare tits, you know?Like, those taxpayer tits.Yeah, those are...Yeah.

That's ridiculous.Yeah.I told her to go to Mexico.She went to Canada.She went the other way.Free tits, you might be the one leaving her.

Yeah, no, she's way too good for me.

She lives in Canada full -time?

Yeah.

So you're in a long -distance relationship?

Yeah, we met - She got a tit job?

What's that?

Yeah, you guys are not together.Yeah.

At all, I'm sorry to tell you that.We met after my last appearance on here.She slid in my DMs afterward.Wow.Yeah.

Look at that.

So what do you guys do?You like FaceTime?I don't know.She's been here like three times in the last three months.I just pay for tickets for her to fly here.

Wow.You make that much money selling motorcycles?Nope.No.

I don't.I finance that shit.

And with the...Oh, they were free tits.That's right.Yeah.But she didn't tell you what size she was going to.

No, she knew I didn't... like it, so she just hasn't talked to me about it.

Oh, I hope they're like those obnoxiously huge tits.Oh, I hope so.I hope they're like anime giant fake tits.Like the ones in your newly banned AI videos.Yeah.Cat bread.

All right.Lucas Hinderleiter, what are your parents like?Because the Hinderleiters seem like they would be, going off of your complexion, the whitest white people of all time.

Yeah, my grandpa was German.My grandma was British.My mom's dead.How did mom die?Crack.Wow?

That's a theme tonight.You're it was drug -related.I don't know.I didn't ask too many questions She was kind of wild interesting.How recently did that happen like four years ago five years ago?

She have good tits Right, man.That is a crazy question to ask.And it's disrespectful to the people that come on this show, spilling their soul and their spirit.Did she have good tits?They let me keep the implants after they cremated her.Whoa.

And you sent them up north.You FedExed them right up to Ottawa.But your mom OD'd at, like, fucking 60 years old?She was like 40.My parents - Wait, how fucking old are you?I'm 31.

And your mom was nine when she gave birth to you?She was like 40 -something.I had young, dumb parents.Yeah.Damn.Yeah.

Wait, how old was she?She was like 46 or something.

Oh, OK.And I guess you were probably 26.26.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.That makes sense.

Yeah.She liked to party.She was fun.She was cool.She did it.She just partied a little.

Were her and your dad still together when this happened?No.

Oh, OK.No.My dad was military, and it was a whole thing.It never works out, you know.

Well, Lucas, very funny set.I loved it.Here's a big joke.Good luck.Hell yeah.On a very Latino episode, indeed.

We have our second Gonzalez of the night, our third Gonzalez on stage tonight.Make some noise for Matt Gonzalez, everybody.

What's up?I'm fat and I'm fat.My friends call me Ozemspik.Now being Mexican, obviously I grew up Catholic.Growing up Catholic, I'd always have like the old ladies at church.They'd be like, mijo.

I'd pinch my cheek, mijo.One of these days, you're gonna grow up and you're gonna be a priest.I don't know how to tell them.I don't wanna fuck kids.Like that's not my journey.And that's definitely not my cross to bear.

God's plan for me was to fuck of age white women.And it's going pretty good, I can't lie.It's going pretty good.I have a girlfriend.It's sick as fuck.She's white as hell.

I give her a good dick.She gives me a green card.Thank you.That's my time.

All right, Pat Gonzalez, you've been on the show a couple of times before, right?Yes, sir.

Welcome back.Thank you.

What's changed in your life since the last time you were on?

Last time I was on, I was trying to save money to, like, get out of the hammock.

Uh -huh.You don't want to say.Yeah, you were sleeping in a hammock for how long?Like, I don't know.A year and a half, two years.Oh my God, that's so bad for your back.

So where, where, are you still in the hammock?

Uh, no, I want to say through hard work and determination, you guys can own two hammocks.

You have a second hammock now?

No, that's just a joke.Oh.I got a bed, I leveled up, whole bed.

Regular bed, what size?

Uh, full.

Wow, look at you.

Totally split, skip the twin.

Amazing.Fuck the twin.Skip the crib too.Yeah.That counts.Incredible.

Probably the first person out of the bucket tonight that has a full -size bed.Incredible stuff.What do you do for work, Matt?

I am a mechanical designer and shit with AutoCAD.It's kind of dumb and gay.Cool.

What do you do for fun?

I like to go fishing.I don't know.You go fishing a little bit.What else?Golf.I try to be white as hell, honestly.

Why?You know, they don't deport me.

Why would you be deported?Weren't you born here?

Yeah, but, I mean, I know what I look like.

Yeah, they get some mix -ups every once in a while.Yeah.Every once in a while, they just send a guy from Maryland to Venezuela.He's like, oh, fuck, I play golf.I listen to Knock Loose.Do you like heavy metal?

Are you a Mexican goth as well?

No.You're not?I wish I was, dude.

No, all right.

What type of music are you into?

I listen to like, I don't know, I call it desert rock, you know?

You guys are fucking weird.You guys...

What's desert rock?Desert rock, you know, like shit you'd listen to in like, you know, fucking, you know, like America, you know, it's like that one fucking horse song.Like, I've been through the desert on a horse with no name.

Yeah, go on.You know, don't act like I don't...Wait, are you saying that the whole genre is just songs about the desert?Yeah.Name one other desert rock song.Fucking Hotel California.

I don't know.

Wow.

I didn't know that there's a desert mentioned in that song.Yeah, but I get it.You know what I mean, right?Are you trying to say that you like the Eagles?

Yes, yeah, yeah.

On a dark desert highway.Yes.That is a lyric.It's literally you like songs with the word desert in it.

Yeah.I thought it was dessert at first.

Amazing.Amazing.Matt, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now?

Um, probably like, uh, it's nothing really weird.I don't know.Just like some empanadas or something.

No, there is.Think about it for a second.I'll give you a second to think about it.Think about the door perhaps, a condiment, an odd thing.

I don't know.Like, uh, I live with my, with my grandpa and my brother.

Perfect.

So.

So what's in the fridge?

I don't know.I haven't gone in there.I know they're in my bathroom, though.There's some weird shit.Like what?I saw my roommate's sex toy.

It was like a little cock ring in the shower.So you live with your...

You live with your hermano and your papi?

Wait, it was a cock ring?I thought it was gonna be a flashlight or something.You found one of them...A cold ring for the penis?

Yeah.You found your grandpa's cock ring in the shower?Yeah.Really?Did you ask him about it?

No, no.It was either my brother's or my grandpa's, so...How old's your grandpa?He's like 87.God damn.

Fuck yeah.

What's his phone number?

He's like, it's from the Titanic with the cock ring at the bottom of the sea.

His social security card was on, like, stone.All right, what the fuck, guys?Nah, that's something.

They were right.Yeah, that was crazy.Crazy to go from a cock ring to that.You found a cock ring?

Yeah, it was on my shampoo.

So, let me ask you, man.

You wore it into the shower?I don't know.

I don't want to ask those questions, man.What makes you think it was a cock ring?What does that even...I mean, I know what they look like.How?How do you know what they look like?

I got one myself.A matching...You have a cock ring?Uh, yeah, I did.I did at one point, yeah.

It's crazy that you're not talking about this with the fam...Cock rings are not so common that we...Not at all.We just all accidentally have a cock ring, you know?There's gotta be something deep in the blood calling out for this family that loves having a cock ring around the place.I've never used a cock ring once.

I've never seen it either.You're missing out, honestly.Who introduced cock rings to the family?Sonic.Did a cock ring salesman come to the door?

Is there a little secret Santa at the house?You guys pass around, oh, you got me a cock ring.Thank you.

You got me a cock ring last year.

Wow.So I believe you said that at one point you had a cock ring and now you no longer have one.What made you take your cock ring?

They cast it into the fire at morning.

If you push your cocks together, Shazam comes out of it.Sorry.

How many cock rings are in your fucking house right now?Captain Planet jumping out at a family reunion.Anyway.

Your family, your grandpa has that Michael Jordan photo.

Six fucking rings.

What made you take your cock ring out?I had to throw it away, dude.Why?I don't understand.

It was a little disgusting and a little too powerful.

So tell us what you mean by that.

Like it had like one of those

like little like little pill shaped things on top of it you know you know we don't know you you are a cock ring master you are the Frodo of cock rings you are the Lord of the cock rings you are Johnny cock ring So tell us what you mean.Describe this cock.It's the ring, doesn't it?

That's not fair!

It must be my grandpa's.

No, so it was like one of those cock rings that had like a small vibrator on it as well.

And you were just too good at sex?Is that what you're trying to say right now?No, I'm saying I didn't.Zero shot.I needed a little help, that's all I'm saying.Look, I didn't, well, hold on, you gotta tell me about this thing.

How powerful and good is it?Why shouldn't it be mine?

Believe it or not, I actually didn't know what a cock ring was, it turns out.I thought we were talking about a piercing of some kind the entire time.

Fucking nuts.Yeah.This is weirder than a fucking piercing.

Now, he has brought it up.And I'm realizing that a cock ring is actually the thing that you, like, strap around your balls and then the shaft of - the base of the shaft of your penis.Is this correct?I must be doing it wrong then.

What are you doing?What are you talking about?

What do you mean?You just go around the shaft.That's what I thought, you know?You just have one that squeezes around your shaft?Yeah.Okay.

To keep it hard?Yeah.

What do you use this for exactly?Not really my stuff.It's, you know, it's got the vibrator on it.That's why I had it.Okay.

So you had...A little something extra.For the ladies.Yes.So you would put it around the shaft of your penis and then flip a switch.Hold on.

No offense.

Were you getting a lot of pussy?

Uh, no.

Okay.No offense.So the occasional you'd get some pussy, you'd go, hold on one second.You go, wait till you fucking see this.

I had to like, I had to turn it on first.And how did these fat white women, how did they feel about it?

That's mean and nasty.I don't like that, dude.My girlfriend's really nice.No, no, no.I'm not saying her.I was saying the previous ones, when you had the ring.

I would never disrespect her.Oh, yeah.Those, yeah.Yeah.

So, like, you would literally bust this thing out.Let's say you just met a girl and you're lucky enough to have her back to your place on your hammock or whatever at the time.You would literally...I'm just trying to confirm our beliefs here.This was hammock days, right?It was pre -hammock days.

Pre -hammock.What the fuck were you sleeping on before?Newspapers?What's going on here?This is before I got evicted from the bed and then I got, you know, a hammock.Okay, so you had a bed at the time in which you were turning, flipping the switch.

Yeah.Okay.And so there were times in which it would be like a one -night stand or whatever.Someone that you just met.

Mm -hmm.Okay.Now...Yeah, correct.Mm -hmm.Yeah.

Bro.That's fucking nuts.It's actually just above the nuts.Tony.Come on, folks.Hey, come on, that tickled.

Stop that.

I did not tickle him.Did you ever, did, so in the, was that, was the shower in the morning when you saw the cockroach?

Uh, it was, uh, at night.

Okay.I wasn't sure if your grandpa passed out with the cock ring on.It was still buzzing.And then he got in the shower and was like, oh shit, I forgot.

So one could assume that this was your grandpa's cock ring and that perhaps he was jerking off in the shower while simultaneously using the vibration, while trying to hold out or something like that.

I mean, it's one of two people.

Okay, right, so it's either the brother or your grandpa.It runs in the family.It's a lot like Teen Wolf.I don't know if you guys have seen Teen Wolf, where Michael J. Fox reveals to his father that he's been turning into a wolf, and the father shows him he, indeed, is also a wolf.This is a cockroach.It's in the bathroom.

It is in the bathroom.It's a bathroom mirror, and it opens on the dad, who looks a lot like James McCann, by the way.Pull up the dad in Teen Wolf.It shockingly looks like James McCann.

Your granddaddy took that opportunity to hand the cock ring down to you.

Look, it's James' dad.That is incredible.Yeah, you look like Teen Wolf's dad.

Here, you gotta just zoom in.Oh, you can't really.You gotta... fuck.Well, there's no...

Well, fuck it.You look like a hairy guy.

Yeah.That's what you look like, James.

Wait, have you and your brother discussed cock rings?No.You guys have just both stumbled upon it equal... like...

No, I don't.I don't bring it up.I don't say anything.

Do you have your brother?Do you have your brother's phone number?Can we call your brother right now?

How many do you think we should call his brother?We are in overtime in this interview.

This has gone on way too long.I think it's time we solve problems because let me remind you, if the brother says that that's not his cock ring,that means it is the grandfather's cock ring, ladies and gentlemen.And then we will have to call the grandfather.Can we unlock Matt Gonzalez's phone, please?Oh, my God.

All right, so here's what we're gonna do, Matt.When you hit send on that, hand me the phone, and I'll flip it on, and you can put it on speaker, because I have to put it to the base of the phone, much like a cock ring.

We are calling from the base down to the base of it.

Hello.Hey, Sammy.How are you?Good.I'm here with your brother.This is kill Tony.

You're on a live podcast right now.I just want to warn you and your brother's crushing on stage.He's 14 minutes into an interview and we have a crazy question to ask you.This is a lot like who wants to be a millionaire phone a friend, but what's it?A, your grandpa.So Here is the situation, Sammy.

Your brother, Matt, was in the shower recently, and we know that you lived together with your grandpa.So, can you hear me okay, Sammy?Okay, here we go.There's a big question happening, because we found out that your brother once owned a cock ring, and then he threw it out.He no longer has the cock ring.And the other day, he was very recent, right?

Yes, the other day, he was in the shower.So we are curious, because it's either your cock ring that he found in the shower, or it's your grandfather's cock ring.Hold on, Sammy.We can't hear you.The crowd's going too crazy.Okay, hold on.

What were you just saying, Sammy?We haven't heard anything since you said it was yours.Go ahead.

Just wondering which one it was.

Oh my God.How many different ones do you have, Sammy?

Well, there's one that just goes around everything.There's one that just goes around the - Holy shit.

Which one?Matt, can you describe to your brother the cock ring that you saw?

It was black and it said ox balls on it.

Do you recall having one that's black that says ox balls on it?Sammy, what was that doing in the shower?

Wow.

And then, according to your brother, you decided to put your cock ring on his shampoo bottle.What was the purpose of that exactly?Wow.Sammy, thank you so much for answering these questions.The crowd loves you.Thank you for taking part.

We'll talk to you soon, Sammy.Unbelievably entertaining.Cool brother.Ladies and gentlemen, how about one more time for the Lord of the Cock Rings, Matt Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen.Here's a big joke book, buddy.Wrap your cock ring around that when you get home.

All right, everybody, your next bucket pool is one of our favorite co -producers around here, someone that helps out with the show all the time.Make some noise for Dusty Carter, everybody.He's back.Dusty Carter.

After a bit of self -reflection, turns out I, too, am racist.Because if you're not the human race, I don't like you.I don't like AI.I don't like robots.I don't like humanoids.I don't like cyborgs, waymos, or roombas.

Basically, if you ain't got blood vessels, we ain't friends.What do I look like hanging out with a bunch of wired bands?If I wanted to be around a bunch of wired bands, I'd have kept cooking meth.Speaking of drugs, they've been talking about legalizing marijuana in America, and I've got one problem with that.This new generation will never understand the prohibition.They will never remember peeling apart Mexican brick weed.

They won't know the frustration of sifting seeds for five minutes to roll a joint.

Won't even know what it tastes like to smoke the resin out of your bum because that asshole won't answer his phone.

Other than that, I'm okay with it.That's my time.

Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen.

Did you say wired beans?Wired beans.Like things that exist.Got it.

Got it.Wired beans.Got it.I couldn't hear that card.

Fun set, Dusty.How's it going?How's it going?Good.Good.Had a blast at WrestleMania last weekend.

Hell yeah.Hold on.I'm looking at this fat guy ducking to try to...That's a fool.That's a lot of work, that guy.

That's a lot of work.That stressed him out.

Yeah.No doubt about it.Yeah, WrestleMania was fun.We were there.

I want you to know how hard it is to walk a fat guy.Yeah.Last thing he wants to do is leave.And your set made him go, all right, I've had enough.

Or it made him hungry.He may have heard wired beans and he's like, I need some beans.Amazing.So, Dusty, tell us more about your life.You used to cook meth, right?

Yes, yes, I did.I was an interest in being myself in a former life.You were a bean?Yes.Not the one in Chicago that you found out about recently.

I know nothing about the bean.

We talk about the meth stuff every time I'm on here, but we never talk about the fact that the only chocolate I eat has a pulse.Really?Wow.Let's talk about that.I've been with a black woman for six years now.The same black woman for six years?

Yes.Wow.

What that be like?

The reason I brought it up is you always ask that question and these guys are always talking about the difference.The true difference between a black woman and a white woman, when a black woman buys you something, She expects you to wear it, and she will remind you every time you get ready to go out that you should wear it.But she also reminds you if you entertain any compliments, you will be buried in the same fucking thing.Wow.A white woman will buy you some shit, never say nothing about it, and next thing you know, you wake up unsnapped.

What do you mean unsnapped?

You know, the show where white women kill their

Oh.

Yeah.You just get...They trip.

They trip?Yeah, white bitches be crazy.White bitches be trippin'?

But there's certain things you have to know when you're with a black woman.Like, you have to know what setting spray is.What's setting spray?It's a special spray that the ladies use after they do their makeup.Kind of seals it up.Clear coat and a paint job, if you will.

Oh, wow.Very interesting.Because if they're not wearing it, you end up fucking looking like the love child of Jimmy Kimmel and Justin Trudeau.

Oh, blackface.

Yeah.

Got it.

And when you're out in the public and you realize she's not wearing setting spray, the first thought you have is, is she trying to have me killed or canceled?

Very interesting.Where'd you meet this black woman at?

Uh, she was a military lady and we met on the internet.

Okay.First date, what was that like?

Uh, we went to a comedy club.

Was that the first black woman that you've been with?No, sir.Okay.Wow.Look at you.Um, you ever wear a cock ring, Dusty?

Yes.Wow!Look at this!We are the last to the cock ring party!

Shane, how about you?I was back there listening, thinking, I could explain this whole story.Grandpa can't keep it up.He wrapped it, but it turned out it wasn't grandpa.

How many members of the band are there?1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.Who's used a cock ring?This is a sample song.I know you were here, Dad.Carlos Sosa over there, definitely.

Hell yeah.Of course he did.This is more common than I expected.You never see a cock ring in a pornographic - D -Madness, D -Madness, you ever use a cock ring?

Fuck yeah, D -Madness.

How many cock rings have you had, Carlos?Only one.And you still have it?No!Wow.You got rid of it.

Oh my god, this cock...

Lost it in the couch?What do you mean?I think I lost mine in the divorce.I don't remember.Oh shit.

All right, Dusty, well, we love you.You had fun times.There goes Dusty Carter, everybody.We'll see him again.All right.Here's another bucketful.

This looks like an interesting one.Make some noise for James Swanson III, everybody.Make some noise for James, everybody.

I recently got engaged to the woman of my dreams.Love is blind, and it is also three feet six inches.I fell in love with the midget.I can only handle half of a woman's problems.When we go out on dates, I carry her in a front pack like a little baby kangaroo.We always get our 50 % off discount, and we only have short arguments.

But the best part is my dick looks huge next to a midget.First time I've ever been in two hands at the same time.And I feel like a giant, because when I'm standing up giving her the money shot, she's standing up, too, like she's in the shower.We only got one problem, Austin.She's always trying to 69, but she can only 34 .5.So while she's sucking my dick, I'm licking her kneecaps.

Don't laugh.Like, kneecaps is delicious.I just put a little honey on them.That's my time.

Jason, the third.

Yes, the third.

Welcome.Thank you.Is this true?You're really with the Midget?

Yes.I like shorter people than me.

Oh, my God.That is incredible and very hard to find.I know.You do look like unsuccessful Kevin Hart.

Well, not after tonight, Tony.

That's right.The star is born.James Swanson, the third.Yes.

And you're currently, you're in love with the Midget.

No, I just made the joke.

Oh, I wanted to sing T -Pain.

Amazing.James Swanson III, how old are you?I'm 53.How long you been doing stand -up?

I started like...I first touched the mic 2011, but I fell off.I got in and out of it, in and out of it.But I've been really serious about it the last three years.

Okay.You live here in Austin?

No, I'm traveling from Las Vegas.

You live in Vegas?Yes.What do you do in Vegas?

I'm an Uber driver.

Why'd you smile and hesitate there for a second?

because I quit a six -figure job to follow my dream, so...

Wow, what was the...Amazing.What was the job that you quit?

I sold timeshare upgrades in Las Vegas.Timeshare upgrades?Yes.

Wow.

People actually like timeshare.

The crowd turned so fast.Everyone was like, he quit a six -figure job!What a bald man on a dream!And then they're like, you sold timeshare.And they go, what a fucking piece of shit!This guy...

I'm sorry.

I've never heard so - I don't know what the fuck his problem is. I don't know.

Fuck that.Me neither.

I don't know.

Fuck him up.Teen wolf dad looking ass.

James Swanson III, this is incredible.James Swanson III means that you knew your father, right?

I did.

And that your father knew his father.

Yes.That is incredible.Yeah.

Three generations in a row.That's like a Powerball or something like that.

Yeah, that's the trifecta.Yeah, the trifecta.Absolutely amazing.

Do you have any kids, James?

I do not.

Okay, how have you gone avoiding that your whole life?

Well, um, I'm still a kid, so...

I love it.

Kids can't raise kids.

Amazing.Amazing.A 53 -year -old child you are.Yeah.What do you do that's so childlike, James?

Uh, just, um...I just like to have fun.I, um...Like what?Well, recently I've been working out.I'm getting my shit together.

Like the last three years, I don't smoke weed.I don't drink anymore.I go to the gym every day.I lost 84 pounds.

Wow.

Yeah.

Amazing.Red Band's on pace to do that.It'd be six with only sandwiches.Are you doing sandwiches?How did you lose your weight?What kind of diet did you do?

Well, I just had bad habits.I drank a lot.I smoked weed.I ate after dark.Just 53 years old, you got to get your shit together.

Was there something that happened that made you have this great awakening?

I videotape everything I do on stand -up and I watched myself and I really love comedy and I want to take it as far as it go and I was on a thin line of being laughed at or laughed with.Right.So that was it.I love comedy more than anything so I gave all that shit up.

Amazing.

Yeah.

What did you replace it with?Just comedy?Is there any other vices or anything that you're into?

No, no.Guilty pleasures?I go to the gym every day.I go to sometimes twice a day, but...And I drive Uber, because, I mean, with the six figures, and going to...figures.

You just gotta work right a lot harder.

What's the craziest thing in Vegas?That's ever happened in your uber.What's the wildest shit you've ever seen that place is absolutely nuts So I dodge all the nutty drivers.

I drive half time in the morning and a little bit in the evening But I had this I swear to God, this lady was like a lunch teacher.I mean, a lunch lady at high school.But she had a hell of a night in Vegas.And she got in my car.So I waited for like 10 or 15 minutes.She begged me to wait.

She couldn't find where I was at the Uber pickup.And she finally was coming around the corner.Her fucking shoe was hanging off her.

What time of the day is this?

This was 8 o 'clock in the morning, so she had been in the casino all fucking night.Yep.So, shoes falling off, money's falling out of her purse, she jumps in my car, and first thing she says is, you are the worst Uber driver ever.

Oh, shit.

I told that bitch she was the worst passenger to get the fuck out of my car.

Yeah.

But she refused to get out of my car.I had to go get security and the police to get this chick out of my car.

I think I know the security guy.He ended up with her wallet that night.Wow, James.So living in Vegas must be hard to avoid all of those temptations.Drinking, smoking, weed is legal there.

Yeah, you just gotta find something you love more than all that bullshit.

Is there a joke that you want to do that's not fucking and imaginary midget related?I'm just curious because it seems like you really love doing this and you were just kind of one note tonight.I'm curious if there's something else that you might have up your sleeve.

I got something on my sleeve, but it's longer than a minute though.

Well, in that case, do you have anything short, quick, shorter than your three foot six imaginary midget girlfriend?

Let me see, what can I come up with?Everything is almost longer than a minute.Everything is longer than a minute.Can I get two minutes?

No, you can't do that.That's a whole different show.That's tough, though.I couldn't do that either.Somebody was like, tell me a joke.

Well, I'm a storyteller.All my shit is stories.That's all I do.

All right, well, anything else crazy about your life we should know?

Uh, no, that you will see me, James Swanson, will be coming to your televisions very soon.I love it.I'm hilarious.

You gonna steal these people's TVs?

Oh, yeah.Whatever it takes.Whatever it takes.

James Swanson III, here's a medium joke book for you.Come back, sign up again sometime.Let's get one last bucket pull up here tonight.How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?Sweatin' bullets keepin' these boys hydrated tonight.All right, your final bucket pool of the night.

This is definitely a new name, I do believe.Make some noise for Matt Worldly, everybody.

In high school, my art teacher was like, hey, does anybody in here know how to speak Arabic?And she was getting ready to train us for like a calligraphy lesson.And I was like, fuck it.I'm like, yeah, I speak Arabic.She goes, go ahead, Matt, speak some Arabic for us.And I said, la la la la la.