KT #779 - ADAM RAY

the number one live podcast in the world.How the fuck we doing tonight, everybody?Exciting stuff.How exciting.How many of you traveled here to be here tonight?Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas.

See that?Look at that.Remember, I mean, these ticket drops are incredible.It's amazing that people travel from all around the world.It's amazing.How exciting.

What a beautiful crowd we have here tonight of different shapes and sizes of white people.Very exciting.Where's my Latinos at tonight?There a lot of Latinos here?Yep, always a lot of Latinos.What kind of Latino are you, sir?

Mexican.Perfect.Anyway, there they are.How about a hand for the Mexican portion of the band?The great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Tres Leches, I call them, with Michael Gonzalez.They are Huevos Rancheros tonight.

The great Dave Sher joining us on guitar.I know you're wondering, how did Matt Muehling grow all that hair?It's not Matt Muehling, it's Dave Sher.The great John Dees on the keys behind me.The leader of the band since November of the year 2020.And believe it or not, that guy with the bass guitar right there, that is D -Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

An amazing show we have for you.You came on an absolutely perfect night.Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.Before we get into it, I gotta tell you guys about something.We just launched Kill Tony Plus.Here's the deal.

You sign up, you get every new episode ad free and uncensored.We're giving members a brand new angle of the show that's never been seen before.This is as close as you can get to sitting in the audience.You also get bonus content, Q and A episodes, behind the scenes stuff, extra bits you're not getting anywhere else.And there's perks on the merch store too.It's five bucks a month.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?You know, sometimes I have three guests.Sometimes I have two guests.When things are really, really, really good, I just have one guest.Tonight is one of those nights.Because we like to let the show breathe a little bit sometimes with one guest.

It gives us all more time to do what we do best.And when I say a great guest, I mean I'm talking about the only two -time Kill Tony Hall of Fame member, the multiple time, the only multiple time guest of the year in Kill Tony history.You know him from so many great episodes, including the biggest episode ever in the show's history.Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of only four living members of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, This is the one and only, the undeniable, the force of nature that is known simply as Adam Ray.Ladies and gentlemen, and now the Adam Ray Show is on Netflix.A new episode drops.

I mean I feel like it really the big boom I have to say I have to take some credit in your wild success you have to because I feel like We don't have to but go ahead progression the last few years.I mean has just been fucking Unbelievable, but I remember the New Year's.I think it was a New Year's Eve episode in which you were Dr. Phil.Happy New Year!

With Nicole, yeah.

And then Dr. Phil, I had to use some real networking to have him bestow upon you the guest of the year that year.

Yeah, it was weird to get emotional watching that.I was like, is it okay if I cry watching him be like, congratulations, you're getting famous by being me, you fucking dirty Jew bag or whatever he said, I forgot.He didn't say that, but he said something.

But to watch you get the credit that you deserve as truly one of the best comedians in the world means the world to me.Have a good time, man.

Love you guys.Thanks for all the love.And my wife is five months pregnant!Yeah, dude.Fired up.You were clapping for her, obviously.

All I did was go...That's me coming.The dad is not Red Band.I know some of you were wondering if he had anything to do with this, but no.Fired up, man.Never thought I'd be a dad, but...

It'd be great if it was me.If I was secretly the dad and the baby comes out just...Make some noise for me. I'm a baby.

Oh, my God.Can you imagine in like 20 years if the child comes on the show?Oh, it's gonna happen.

That baby might be in the bucket tonight.Anything can happen here.Adam Ray is one of the most elite, perhaps I could say without any hesitation, the most elite guest in the history of the show.You know that over 200, God, it feels like even more tonight.Is it about 200?We hit three tonight?

Probably 300, close to 300 names in this bucket.It feels very girthy tonight.It's filled to the top, that's just how I like it.

Thick and nasty.Yeah, probably gonna keep my baby away from this show.I was 50 -50, but that just secured it.

If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, you guys know what happens.They get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten?That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.13 years on the job, still doesn't know what fucking button the second button is.It's the...You might think, what is it, the 17th cue of the night?

Nope, number two.You might be wondering, how long?13 years, again.Did I mention 13 years?Every Monday, never missed an episode for 13 years?Yikes.

I'm going to let this woman who's definitely been human -trafficked by this Mexican guy next to her pull the first name out of the bucket.She nervously dropped it, because she wasn't expecting me to guess that she is being trafficked right now.How does he know?But while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, I got news for you.I know I'm hyping up a lot of things.I mean, Guest of the Year, Hall of Fame, this, that.

I'm telling you right now, kicking off the show tonight is my favorite lead off hitter on the show's history.A golden ticket winner that absolutely just wins again and again and again.You know him, you love him.Truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.For you on this special episode, make some fucking noise for the one and onlyMartin Phillips, everybody.

Back when I used to substitute, one of my first assignments was Special Ed in Hindi.The whole day I just kept saying, no seriously, I'm the teacher.I know what we're all thinking.Okay, cool.That's it.When I was in school, in sex ed, they taught us how to put a condom on a banana, and it really came in handy when I fucked a banana.

I saw that brown spot, so I was like, don't want any of that.But you don't need a condom for a banana.It has a peel already.It's good to go, you know?It's supposed to be too long, you know?Okay, that's it.

Boom boom Martin Phillips has done it again.Welcome back Martin.Thank you.

You look fantastic I love that sure you got a guy in South Florida Yeah, we know We're gonna be guessed it's trap Marty Okay, I like it What has to happen for you to become the shirt version of yourself?I guess I hang out with Deirdre and Carly.I hang out with Cam.I didn't hang out with black people.

Yeah, we put that together.Yeah.

Okay.

I love it.A face tattoo would do you good.It'd be like, hey, my disabilities are down here.You know what I mean?Distract everyone from what's going on.

I guess.It's that distracting.I love it.

OK.Martin, you're wearing a backpack.

You know what I brought?

No, it's not a weapon.

It's always concerning when a white guy has a book bag.I brought something for everybody.

Oh, my goodness.

Not the audience.Because I always, always forgot my dog.They always forget I have a dog.You always forget my dog's name.So I totally forgot you had a dog.I made you a t -shirt.

That's for me?

Yeah.

Wow.I can't believe you got it in my size.What the fuck?You're gonna wear that to sleep.I'm guessing that first one's for Red Band.

Okay.

Let me see that one.What is that?That one's rainbow?Oh, I love it.Oh my goodness.

That's a very cool shirt, Martin.

Absolutely.

Did you have the banana you fucked in that backpack too?And this is for Michael.Sorry.That was RFK.That wasn't Martin.Sorry.

Good impression.Do they only come in 5X?I don't know how to say it.I get it, but it's the thought that counts.

It is.It is.Whoa.I love it.Absolutely incredible.They're literally heavy.

They are, if you're wondering how big they are, they're...Oh, that's gilded.They are heavy.

I love it.

Very sweet.Is there a little something in there?Oh, okay.

I'm shakin', I'm shakin'.All good.

No, we're gonna wait until you zip it up.I know you're waiting for us to look the other way, but we're not gonna Martin thank you Martin.How do you how often are you giving out gifts like that was a very chivalrous thing?

Being gracious to you, asshole.

It's great.No, it's great.I can't wait to wear this shirt and you can wear it to bed.Yeah.Oh, totally.I absolutely can't wait.

I will be definitely be at home and it'll be on a big off day for sure.

Yeah.Close the windows.

Lower the blinds.Turn off all the lights.Aren't you on, like, the 30th floor anyway, you know?

I've been doxxed, everybody, by my own.I help these people.All I do is help their lives, all their careers, and then what do I get in return?You on the 30th floor.

You son of a bitch.

How dare you?

I'm on the 30th floor.Was that your impression of me?How dare you?Oh my God.I thought I was going for it.

Oh my God.Yeah, absolutely unbelievable, Martin.Martin, could you sweat more?

What's going on?

I swear it's hot in here.It's not.

It's literally 76 .6 degrees.We keep a thermometer here on this stage at all times.I guess that is a little hot, huh?

Yeah, too big a hit.71, 72.That's acceptable.

Look, the AC costs a lot of money.And as you know, Joe Rogan is really struggling nowadays.It is tough.Spotify only gives him hundreds of millions of dollars, and he doesn't want to spend any of it on keeping you dry.

I'm always like in a state of moist.Always some type of wet.I don't know.That heavy, heavy sweater.I don't know.It's very unfortunate.

Speaking of a heavy sweater, people can get that at their merch at martinfillips .com.It's a 6X.

The t -shirts double as winter jackets.Heavy sweaters available this Christmas.Martin Phillips merch.You should make shirts of that.I mean, I don't want to tell you how to live your life.

It's not mine.It's the dude's.I can't steal his idea.

Just ask him if you can get them or I don't know.Okay, yeah.I would buy one.

Yeah.What about the dog thing?Would you buy the dog thing?

Do I have to answer now, or...Can I get back to you?Yeah, I'll wear this, yeah.

But that's very cool.

So you can bottle a little bit of the sweat up with it, you know?

It's like I'm in Florida right now.

You're thriving.Martin, unbelievable way to get the show started.We love you.Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.and to the bucket we go this is the heartbeat of the show as you know anything could happen it could be uh the next great talent it could bean insane person.

Anything can happen.It could be an old person that's been waiting decades to be discovered.It could be someone that started just a couple months ago that's a prodigy.Could be good, could be bad.Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Chin Wei.Here we go.

Maybe I just came early.I was 13 when I saw my dad's dick for the first time.Looks a lot smaller than it feels.Y 'all know those cigarillos called Black and Mild?Never liked that name, because blacks are not mild.I never understood how my grandparents can be so racist, how they can see color.

Have you seen the photos back then?Just earlier this homeless guy was asking me for money.In my head I thought, God bless you, because I'm not going to.Well, that's it.

Well, that's it.Thank you so much, Chin -Wei.Welcome, welcome.Our first fucking poll of the night.So when you say blacks aren't mild...I like to think it was a compliment.

Uh -huh.

Do you have a lot of black friends?

One in Austin.What's his name?Chris.Where did you meet Chris at?Chris Brenham.We worked at a...

Chris Brown.No, no, no, no.

That doesn't count.

Brenham.We worked at a bar together.

You worked together.So you didn't really like find this friend.You were assigned to work with him.You did not have a choice in the matter.

Yeah, yeah.You know, I would have seeked it.No, no, I'm joking.I'm joking.He's a cool guy.He's a cool guy.

Chin -wei, how long have you been doing stand -up comedy?

About five years now, but I took a real long break.Was the break about four and a half years?

Apparently, huh?No, it's all good.Why did you take such a long break?

I got a little distracted, actually.I got working on a side project.What was the side project?I wrote a movie.

OK, what's the movie about?

That I actually wrote with Red Pen and Adam Ray in mind for, you know, producing it.

Oh, you want them to give you money to make this movie after you just did that set?

And make all the money from it.

Okay, do I have to answer now or can I sleep on it?I gotta wear this shirt tomorrow.I gotta do a lot of stuff.So Yeah, what do you mind if we I would love to get into it.

Yeah.Well, what does it call it for a shower for It's either called Allah ha ha or Taliban You said we're gonna do two girls one cup the sequel What?

Okay, well, let's not let the title, let's not judge a book by its cover.What's the premise?Give me like a couple log lines.

We're thinking about two cancelled comedians, ends up in the Middle East, finds out that Talibans are more of their audience than Americans.And as the war comes to an end, they're stuck in a struggle of democracy or fame.And I thought if we make a sequel, it could be like, Allah ha ha ha.

Wow, you're already working on the sequel.I misjudged you, I'm in.

That is not at all what I thought it was going to come back with.

There's actually a lot of heart in it.That's cool.

I like the thing I'm making fun of, the right things.

Yeah.No doubt.Yeah, we just saw that in your set, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you do for a living, Chin -Wei?

Right now, I'm laying epoxy garage floors.

How did you get good at that?

I had a bar guest that was a regular, and...He was like, you wanna fucking lay garage floors?I was like, yeah, you know, why not, right, you know?He's a cool guy.Okay.Went from working with hot chicks to working on laying hot floors, you know?

Okay.And you don't see any hot chicks anymore?

Oh, no, I see just all Mexicans.

Oh, okay.You don't like Mexicans?

No, no, no, no.I mean, I like their food.

Okay.He likes your food.

Fucking around.No, none of that, none of that.

How old are you?

Uh, how do you think I look fun game?

Let's do this.

Okay I am asian.Say it again.I am asian.

So it's wide range Well, since you want us to guess your age i'm guessing you're a 23 year old female i'm guessing 26 26.

Oh, I kind of want to price this right one dollar everybody and say like 45 but oh shit, but I think you're 26 wins 28.

Wow.Yeah, baby.Wow.You just named all the lucky numbers tiger style Incredible tiger style Wu -Tang.Oh, you're the tiger.Oh, okay.

Wow.All right, man Your Spotify is wild.

What was the last time you were on stage?

I was on kill 22 years ago on August.

How did that go?

Tell us about your last one great sign of kissing a cougar Tiger style

Well played.

Give me a little tiger.You got a little tiger?Very good.That's a leopard, but we'll take it.Tiger's one lower.Yeah, that sounds like it.

That sounds like something that would make out with this fucking guy.Thanks.Yes, absolutely.What is your love life like, Chin -Wei?I can just picture you eating pussy for days.I mean, you look like a guy that you would have to you'd have to fucking.

All I do is bang, you know?

Tell us about it.Tell us about it, Chin -Wei.What is your what's your what's your big pickup line when you want to when you like a girl?What do you what do you say to her?You seem like the kind of guy that literally gets all the pussy.

Which way, Chin -Wei?No way.No way.You really do that?No, it never works.Oh, yeah, yeah.

Foot pickup lines.

I think he was referring to do you have like, uh, how do you break the ice or break the rice in your damn?Let me ask you this.Let me make it easier on you.Chin way.When's the last time you were with a woman final with that's a weird answer.

Yeah.Months ago, but I think it was a drunken mistake, but you know, whatever.I'll be that mistake.Okay.So you were drunk.All right.

Everyone was drunk.

Everyone was yeah, and and take us through it.What happened was this a bigger girl?Is that why you're saying a drunken mistake?

Oh, no.No, I think I was her drunken mistake.

Oh, yeah, that makes yeah, you know, so yeah unfortunately fortunately So take us through it like you You guys were drinking you're having fun and then you go back to your place you take her to you go to her place Then we got drunk.We took her way more.We made it out and thenWhere'd you take the Waymo to?

Uh, back to her place.

Her place.Now, is there a reason why you didn't want to go back to your place?

Uh, no, no.

You have, like, a race car bed?

What's up?

Do you have a race car bed?I wish, dude.Probably crashed with damage, heavy, heavy bumper damage from a race car bed.

Wreck even my bed.How do I wreck my bed?

we are such a bad driver i reckon my bed all right we're having too much fun here with you i've been holding back my asian impression i was able to last seven and a half minutes that's a new that's a new i'm a new man All right, so you go back to her place, and what do you remember about her place?Do you remember anything weird?Did she have, like, perhaps, like, one of those things hanging up in her living room that zaps bugs?

No, that's a sad thing.It was all great, you know, and then...It was what?It was all great.That's a sad thing.It was all great.

It was all great?Everything was all great.Great.It was all great.

Okay.And then...His Asian accent really sneaks up out of nowhere.He speaks really good English, and then all of a sudden, it was all great.It was all great.I thought my Asian accent was offensive and then yours, my friend, a whole new level.

It was all a gravy.It was a great day.It was a gray.See?Okay.So it was all great.

Her place was great.The sex was great.

She was great.We didn't get there.

You didn't get there.Where did you get?Did you make out with her?Yes.Okay.Take us through that.

How long do you think you made out for?Where do you think it went wrong?Did you, like, do anything weird?Did you do something with your hands?Or is, I like to talk as I go.them with Asian men your Hans You have a famous Asian comedian named Hans here.

I like to think I didn't pull a Hans.Okay.No, go ahead What did you do?Yeah, what's your move like you guys made out?

Yeah, every red light, but to be fair She might have been wait.Are you sure it was a red light because you guys tell you when you're behind the wheel Yeah, red light green light I can't even deny that, you know what I'm saying?

It's a way, but why did you wait for the red light?

That is a great point, Red Band.You know, once every 45 episodes or so, Red Band will just be an absolute genius for just a moment.Sometimes you really crack a case.Why would you wait?It might be disrespectful.

So about that movie.

Ooh, a red light.Perfect time for a kiss.I think what Tony's getting at is, what's the move?Because making out, I feel like, is a great way to initiate whatever.Maybe things are going to continue down a fun path.So how do you take things up a notch once you feel like we can only make out for so much longer?

Can you make the question a little bit longer, Adam?Sure, yeah.

I got it.I got it.I got it.I understand.I understand.

I understand.I understand.Like what's like, you know, like Martin does banana stuff.Like what's your...Like Branton.What's your thing?

Branton.Nothing really works all the time, but out of what works the most.Yeah.I feel like usually if you give a girl a hug, that's a pretty green light to go home.

It's a green light.Yeah.And that's what we follow that.So you okay.So you said, so you make out to the point to where you're like, it's time to beat your pussy.And then running outside because I knew this was going to be quick.

Yeah.Great.Yeah.

Have you ever asked a girlhave you ever just been straight up with a girl and gone, can I eat your pussy?

Yeah.Wow.I wasn't expecting that answer.

It was a set up to a joke I was going to do, but I'm surprised it never works.No.Wow.Have you ever asked a girl, can I eat your pussy?Wow.A woman just said no.

That is incredible.Exhibit A. That is incredible.

I don't think I would ever refer to a potential mate as Exhibit A. So you've been doing comedy for five years off and on.Mostly off.

I've been a little distracted with like script writing.I'm kind of trying to transition.Who do you see?I know you said Red Band and myself.But you, yeah, you're good.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the disrespect.There is disrespect.I heard a specific laugh out there.

There was a specific, there was a guy that was cackling at your transition to script writing.He literally went, ha ha ha ha ha ha.It was amazing.Sorry, one more time, please.

I don't know.What was that question again?I was going to say, you know, you mentioned Redman and I, but who is like your dream cast in this movie?Yeah, by the way, thanks a lot, asshole.What the fuck?

Well, I wrote a movie for the band, Adam.

I don't know if you'll feel it, Tony, but we would love to have you, man.

Oh, you would love to have me.Wow, thank you.I think I'm a little busy.No, it's great.I spent way too much time with you.The time has just flown by with you, Chin -Wei.

You are a fun person to interview.What size joke book did you get two years ago?I got a small one.Well, guess what, my friend?This time, you're getting an extra -large T -shirt from Martin Phillips!Oh my god, for the first time in the show's history, the first person to ever win a triple

t -shirt.Oh, my goodness.Absolute history being made here tonight.What's going on?Why do you still have a microphone in your hand?

One more thing, bro.

You want to say one more thing?One more thing.OK, what is it?I just want to give a shout out to the - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, His name is ZorberGation.

He wrote the movie with me.

Okay.All right, Chinwe.Get the fuck out of here.There he goes.Chinwe, everybody.Luckily, his accent went crazy during that shout -out.

I would like to give a shout -out to ZorberGation.I'd also love to - Oh my god.Ladies and gentlemen, there she is.The first lady of Kill Tony, the lovely Heidi, everybody.

I'd also like to shout out my seventh grade PE teacher, Mr. Tangen.You were the first one to believe in me. I think you're dead, but fuck it, I'll check it out on Facebook later to confirm.

Shout out to all the gym teachers.Auggie D 'Amato, shout out to you.Rick Ressatar.Rick Ressatar.Yeah, it's a real guy.Those were my gym teachers growing up.

Hey, fill me up, Phillips.I know you molested everyone except me, but that's all right.Mr. Resetar.

I never forget that name.Resetar.

Way to take a wildly sincere moment and just make it super creepy, Redbed.But I'm sorry that that happened to you.

It didn't happen to me.

Oh, well, that's what the person would say who it happened to the most.

Picture this, a neighbor waters your plants during a long trip, or a doctor takes the time to personally call you with test results.It may not seem like much, but to me, when someone goes that extra step, it leaves a lasting positive impression.You know who does that with me?Red Band.

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Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll.

I know what this audience is feeling.I know that was an Asian comedian we just had up there.What if I were to tell you you're about to get another Asian comedian?Your next bucket poll.We know him.He's a comedy store guy.

I believe now he lives in Austin, Texas.Make some noise for our pal, Fang Chow, everybody.

It's the return of Fang Chow with a brand new - I moved to America from China 10 years ago.Now that I'm a real American, I love bacon cheeseburgers, Ford F -150, and reporting Chinese immigrants to ICE.What I also love about America is I go use public bathroom here.I don't have to squat down, shit in a hole.next to five naked Chinese dudes.What a country.

There's a product here for sale on Amazon.It's called Squatty Potty.It's a little stool you put under your toilet.It lifts up your legs, make you squat while you sit on the toilet.For $29 .95, you can feel like you're shitting in a Chinese prison.Thank you.

Like if someone injected chin away with testosterone and jokes.I love it.Welcome.Truly representing the Asian community.Very good job.This is not a man that took a four and a half year break out of his five year career.

Fang Chow's been going hard for how long now?12 years.12 years.You were at the Comedy Store 12 years ago.Am I correct?Or was that you started in China?

Yeah, starting in China.Yeah.Born there.Yeah.At the store, 12 years.

Yeah.Amazing.

And you live in Austin now, right?

Yes, sir.For how long now?Two and a half years.Two and a half years.That's what I would have guessed.Absolutely perfect.

Love the material.Great stuff.How's life been, Feng Chao?Good.

Very good.

Tell us more.

Give us a break.Very good.Break it down for us.Falling in love.Got a hot girlfriend.How long has that been going on?

two years two years yeah i get to cum in her every single day oh my goodness that's why i'm american wow i jizz in your women's pussy oh my god look at you it's an american girl yes so it's a what what's her name exhibit a it's a call back to the other all right we're gonna cut this outIt's Combo B. I wasn't...What's her name?Combo B, like...Her name's Combo B?No, no.

Combo B. I was trying to be funny.Caroline.

Oh, nice.Nice.Where did you guys meet?

Where did we meet?App.

I love that you just say the word app.That's amazing.It almost seems kind of suspicious.What was it, Uber Eats or something?

What's going on here?

That's incredible.Yeah.So it was a big dating app?Bumbo.Bumbo.We love Bumbo.

I love it.So that first date, what'd you guys do?

We went to eat pie.Oh nice.We went to eat pie tiny pies And you know anyone know tiny pies in town tiny pie that sounds like another Asian bucket pool.I might pull up Tiny pie ladies and gentlemen Yeah, it's good we had pie and Yeah, I asked her out again, she's like, yeah.Do you remember what kind of pie you had that magical night?

Great question.

Me, key lime pie.

Oh, good pick.We love key lime pie here.That is Red Band's pie of choice.What's your favorite pie, Adam Ray?The world wants to know.We've had you on so many episodes, I've never gotten a chance to ask you about your life of pie.

Probably classic pumpkin, you know?

OK, classic.

Yeah, maybe apple if I'm getting crazy.

Sure.

You ever have rhubarb?

Ooh, rhubarb, a northern Ohio delicacy.You really were molested.Rhubarb?

Who says rhubarb?That was one of our gym teachers.You got Mr. Rhubarb?Rude Barb was her name.She was a lesbo.We called her Rude Barb.

Do you remember your gym teacher's name here in the great country of the United States of America?Or did you spend most of your schooling in China?In China.OK.How old were you when you moved to America?Twenty five.

OK.What was the biggest culture shock when you moved to America?What was the thing that really blew your mind the most?

Other than the lack of leaky laboratories that you had in China.

Global disease.

Lack of squatty potties.You love basketball, I bet.I bet basketball is it.I do love basketball.What is the biggest thing?There's too many choices here in America.

You go to like a big fucking supermarket, you go to like a fucking supermarket, you get like 50 kinds of cereal.You're like, oh, yeah, that's why I moved here.

Yeah.Cereal is out of control.What's your cereal of choice, Adam?

When I was a kid was cookie crisp.But it's also I had tits as a fifth grader.

Yeah.

I mean, a bowl of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.Hey, mom, can I borrow your bra?The only cereal with criminals on the box.

Oh, yeah.White robbers.Very rare to find in public easy to find on a cereal box.

Yeah, I did frosted flakes.I loved a lot You know one of my first jokes.I just remember this that didn't an open mic I would you know so poor when I was starting out and I had frosted flakes cereal a lot for dinner and I remember having frosted flakes for dinner one day and I was saying this on stage and I go I was having frosted flakes for dinner tonight and super poor whatever and instead of you know The slogan is they're great, but I was as I was eating it in my head.All I heard was I'm sad right and And it got it actually got way more laughs here than it did then.

But yeah, no, yeah, I had Frosted Flakes for dinner many a time.Yeah.And I got to tell you, that is the still would you have heard of Wheaties is the breakfast of champions.Yeah.Frosted Flakes is the dinnerof single moms.

That's what that is.You had a single mom, then you had Frosted Flakes.Who was raised by a single mom out there tonight?Dude, keep it going for single moms.Very sad people.They all raise their hands instead of clapping.

Do you have cereal?What's your cereal?I very rarely eat cereal, but when I do, believe it or not, I am an oatmeal guy.Some people say that I eat like a horse.

You sure you're not a Fruity Pebbles guy?Whoa!

Whoa!I'll put it in your Cocoa Crisp if you keep talking naughty like that.I'm gonna put a condom on my banana, you know what I'm saying?Ugh.Feng Chao, what's your favorite thing about Austin, Texas, before we get you out of here?I've watched you go right from Los Angeles.

We were in LA together.You were working at the comedy store I remember it all so clearly and and now you're here You're a real Texan and I'd imagine for a sweet little Chinese boy like you.It's a little bit different.I am sweet Yes, you are sweet and sour sometimes Extremely sour.

I love Bucky's.

Ah, good answer.Can't get enough.

Yeah super gas station Yeah.

Fucking America.Well, guess what, my friend?It's funny you say that, because the great Bones Eye, who makes all the joke books, and they're available for sale at killmerch .com, just so happened to make a custom Bucky's Big Joke Book Kill Tony.And guess what, my friend?You're getting it.

The great Bon Chow, ladies and gentlemen.Get him on social media.That's FC8080, right?yeah it's a great fun chow known him for over a decade time flies in this crazy industry i'll tell you this looks like a new name to me everybody uh different handwriting there's some quotations here there's a lot going on here make some noise is this bigbig?I believe it is.

It's either Billy or big we're gonna say Big Ed 90 day here.

He is Big Ed Fucked up my name So a lot of people call me Big Ed, but they don't know why they call me Big Ed anyway So I love Austin fantastic crowd.I mean you guys are fantastic, but I was at three studio No three studio working out today I had my nose in somebody's yoga.But you guys are so healthy.You guys are so healthy.And I'm on a journey, a healthy journey.But I was reading in Men's Health magazine that the best way to get in the shape is to have sexual intercourse.

Oh, shit.I just told everybody I'm not having sex.So how are you doing?Is he gay or no?Oh, got it.OK, good.

He goes both ways.Anyways, four corners.Anyways, so I'm obviously heterosexual.But if I were gay, sir, My deep throat would be.it would be epic.All right, Big Ed.

All right, thank you very much.Thank you very much.Big Ed.Cheer me up.Welcome, Big Ed.I'm such a huge fan of you, dude.

You have no idea.I've seen you on something.I don't know what.I know you from something.I was showering with rats or giving girls toothpaste or having her shave her legs.

I love it.You are the world's largest shrimp.I've never seen anything quite like it.You remind me of one of those dogs with like a bad spine or something.Like they're like...Raccoon!

The raccoon in...Jimothy.Jimothy.I don't know exactly.You were talking about getting in shape.I don't know what shape that is.

It appears to be an octagon or something like that.

That is Sinatra Dorito's joke of the night.

Something else.This is absolutely incredible.

Where's Carr at?Where did he go?Who?The guy.The English dude.He's really funny.

With Jimmy Carr?That was two weeks ago.

Yeah, Jimmy Carr.

He left.

That was two weeks ago.

No, it wasn't.Were you, what?I thought he was tonight, no?

No.

That was recorded two weeks ago.

Yeah.Right now is right now.

This is Jimmy Carr right here.

Oh, this is, okay.

Yeah, this is him.This is what he looks like in real life.

Yeah, I'll be Jimmy Carr.Where is your neck?

Wait, what?Wait, what?What?

I said, I said, just watch the YouTube episode.

Okay, nevermind.Seriously, he wasn't here tonight?Am I untruthful?

No, you're doing okay.Big Ed, less questions from you.Okay, yes.More answers coming up.Here we go.Big Ed, so let's talk about it.

I'm guessing by...Yes, sir.I'm putting it together in my head here.I'm guessing by your name that I know you from the show 90 Day Fiance.Yes, sir.Am I correct?

Now, I've seen clips of this.I don't really get to sit down and watch TV that often.Take us through, what have I missed?What are you known for?on that show for people like me that might not know?You got a half a standing ovation from the crowd.

Very rare for a bucket pool, I have to tell you.Especially a bucket pool shaped like the actual bucket.It is incredible.It is absolutely amazing.Your head is small, so it actually, if we took The Undertaker and put him there, like, this is what you look like.Your legs are very tiny, so hold on, let me finish this science fair project I'm doing.

Your legs are very tiny, so it looks like...This is what you look like.

This is you.It's gonna be my new headshot, I think.Okay, so, short story long, I met a girl on Facebook, never heard of the show.I bought a ticket.I went to the Philippines.I showered with rats.

True story.I'm Big Ed.Look at me. I'm Big Ed.Hey, you said my name wrong, Tony.I'm a big fan of the show.

Talk to me.He's having playtime.Yeah.

And she had really bad breath and hairy legs, and I had her ask her to shave her legs and brush her teeth, and I got in a lot of trouble.And then I came back to the States, and I got shot at in Mexico, and then I went to the States.You got what in Mexico?I went to Mexico with a...I'm bad at relationships.You have no idea.

I bet I could guess.

There you go.So yeah, so I suck at relationships.So my last fiancé, we broke up like 16 times.And yeah.

Which means you got back together 15 times.Yes.What's your trick of getting back together with somebody?Big Ed.I see.Yeah.

Okay.

I'm serious.I'm pretty good.

Anyway, so so you're so I suck at relationships He's built like a snowman whose carrots in the wrong place.You know what I'm saying?

When a when a naughty little kid gets a carrot and I like and I like carrots My mom makes really good carrots, but it doesn't look like you eat a ton of carrots

Big Ed.I got to be honest with you.How did your mom make carrots?Redman with another great question.This guy's really spotting the loopholes here tonight.The king of the poopholes is spotting the loopholes.

With onions and bell peppers, it's really good.

OK.All right.

Her name is Norma, by the way.She's taking care of my dogs in Arkansas.

How many dogs do you have?Three.OK.And are they all English bulldogs like you?I love it.

I love it.

Hell yeah.I love dogs.So, Big Ed, let me ask you this.You're in the reality show business, right?How do you make money other than that?

So I have a Big Ed Molbeck that's in 500 Walmarts right now.It's a what?Big Ed what?It's a Molbeck from Argentina.Oh, you make wine.Yes, sir.

That's incredible.So Argentina imported.And then I also...

You're shaped like the barrel that they're made in, by the way.So that's incredible.This hurts.No, you're doing good.Don't poop on this stage.

I won't, I promise.And then I'm also in real estate.I do flippers with my best friend, David Wheeler.

I don't think you can say that anymore, but yeah.

I can't do that?

No.Sorry, stupid joke.

I do real estate and then...And I'm on Cameo.I'm number one in the world in Cameo.

Wow.That's incredible.Are you really?

I'm serious.What's your rate?I've done over 25 ,000 videos.Wow.I'm not the most expensive though, but I'm pretty funny.

I love it.

I love it.I put a chicken head on and I skate around my living room on my scooter.Okay.I'm not kidding.And my mom's sitting in my recliner with my dogs.She doesn't even pay attention.

I love it.That's awesome.

To La Bamba.I'm not making this up.No one's doubting anything you're saying.

Everything you're saying.Everything that you've said so far, no one's like, whoa, how many times did you say that?

There's no way your mom's just sitting there.

through all of her name's Norman.

Yeah You mean you guys I've not worked in seven years.I'm not kidding.I've not had a job in seven years I do can't meet that's all they do.

Where's your Adam's apple at that is a good question.That's right.

The Apple is with the carrots It's a children's book you could write hey, hey, I don't like you I'm just kidding.Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa?

I'm only kidding.

He's kidding.Wait, they get He's flirting with a girl that is literally with a cartel member right now Big Ed, take it easy.Take it easy.You're gonna be a she's really hot by the way.I'm sorry Okay, you're good.

Let's not forget he ended his set by going like, are you gay?And you're like, all right.Well, if you were, I would fucking, yeah.

But that was just part of my bit.I know.No, you're good.

We know.

I wrote it down.My buddy Darren Garrett wrote it.

I feel like there's like, because again, I don't, I haven't watched your work, right?I haven't seen it, but I know for a fact there's like a viral clip.I can't remember what it is. I like the view.

You're my best view.What?You're on The View, the show?No, so what happened was the show came out and COVID didn't work out for a lot of people.But for me, it made me viral because there's nothing on TV.Right.

And there's like a big moment, something super viral happened.

So Rose and I, I like The View, was the number one trending meme in the world through COVID.So that's how I became famous.

I like the view.

Do you know what he's talking about?No, I like the view.You're my best view.

Yeah.

Not you, but you know what I mean?Yes.

And what was the face you made in the meme?

Um, I, cause I can't turn my neck.I kind of, then that's why they make fun of me.Cause I go, she goes, she goes, I like the view.And I had to turn my whole body.And, uh, and I go, you're my best view.And then, and then she

goes, ah, that might be became famous.I'm serious.

You were mega famous for a bit, right?

Yes, sir.

Like how did that feel?

Well, it was kind of crazy at first because I would go to the dentist and like elderly women would come up to me.I'd be sitting in the office.They just start whacking me with a magazine.

And I'm like, what did they think you were a bug or something?

No, no, no.Like behave like you've seen anything.She's just whack me.And then but I'm sure I'm not making that up, but my best compliment that I've ever got in my entire life was My talk to me.

Talk to me.Talk to me.

So I mean, we're good Newport Beach stop pointing at people look at me. I mean I'm in Newport Beach.Yeah, and this seven -year -old kid skates around or eight I don't know doesn't fucking matter.

Just keep going.Yeah, he could be 55 years old.

He skates around the corner Yes, he's all sweaty and he looks at me like this.He goes.Are you the tic -tac guy?And I go, yes, I am.And he goes, you're a legend.And then he skates off.

Wow.And that's it.That's it.That's the best compliment I've ever gotten.

Wow.For more fun stories like this, get a cameo from Big Ed.They're $900.

How much are your cameos?You guys are really awesome.$69.Do you get it?Awesome.$69.

OK, Big Ed.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.I'm sorry.OK, I know.Sorry.

Yeah.I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

Could I if I give you my phone and like, I don't know, Venmo you or something?Will you make a cameo for for for my mom?It's her birthday in a couple of weeks.

Let's do it right now.

For real.

A live.Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in Kill Tony history, you are inside.I'm going to give you the algorithm right now for you are watching a live cameo on a podcast.

That's a live show.

Her name is Carolyn.All right, here we go.

Hey, Carolyn Bighead here.Obviously, listen, you're my best view.I love you.I'm here with your son.He's a little weird, but I'm hanging out with Kill Tony, and there's a girl in the front row that's driving me crazy.I'm gonna...

I'll probably die tonight, but anyways, I love you.You're my best view, and happy...Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

I love you.

You can wish her happy January 6th or whatever.Yeah.Do the deep throat bit, she'll like it.What was that?What you ended your set with.

Oh, no, I can't do that.All right, here we go.What's her name?

Carolyn.

All right, Carol, I'm not gay, but if I was, my deep throat would be, okay, I'm gonna go to confession on Saturday so I can get communion on Sunday.

Is that a cameo or a Netflix documentary?This is incredible.Thank you, all right big head before I let you go.This is another long interview I mean, I'd let this get out of control, so I just spit something, but I have no words.Oh, that's crazy.Let me sell this on eBay Little spit season two those were buffalo wings put down the test is DNA see how much comes back a wild animal Big Ed, let me ask you this.

Yes, sir.Because like, you know, reality shows this, that.What is something that's crazy about your life that you've never talked about publicly, that nobody knows about?Or perhaps something that people don't know about 90 Day Fiance or your time there or anything?Give us like a breaking, give us an exclusive Big Ed breakthrough.Breaking news.

This is Justin.

Okay, here we go.I used to work at a country club in Bella Vista, this is a true story.I used to bus tables, and all these guys would come in with these beautiful women, and I'm like, one day, I'm gonna stuff you in your face.Wait, what, you're gonna what?I mean, I'm gonna give them the business.Like, I'm going to be more successful.

What are you, a gangster from the 30s?Give me the business.

When I get my hands on you, it's going to be a whippersnapper.Are you hungry?

Because I got a knuckle sandwich with your name on it.

Yeah, right now I'm bussing tables, but one day I'm going to be bussing you.I'm like, look you banker.

I'm gonna gut punch you one day.So which it would be your move.Yes So then I'm there with my crazy ex Like two years ago before I moved back and I'm in the same country club and everybody obviously knows who I am Yeah, and I go, you know, I told her full circle.This is like it's actually happened So I never knew how I was gonna be famous I knew I never knew the what the who what where when and why and here I am I'm on your Can show this is well you got pulled out of the bucket.I know okay.Well.

I was in a bucket But yeah, so it's not like you're on panel or anything big I Didn't really make it right no you know you're going around longer than probably most thought you're doing most of it No, but seriously.

I fell in love with you guys hold on so you're at the country club.It's You almost finished the story.Was that it?You were busting at the country club, then you ate at the country club.

So there was Liz, and I go, hey, can I take you to show you where I grew up?And then she's like, no, this is all about you.And then we got in a big fight.Ah.And now we're divorced.Now I kicked her out.

Well, I didn't kick her out, but asked her to leave politely.

Have any of your relationships just ever ended easy breezy?No.Well, I broke up with her.14 times via text.

And it's like Ric Flair, by the way, 16 time heavyweight champion.So, yeah, I'm not good at I'm not good at love.I'm just kidding.No, I'm not.I'm just not.I'm not good at it.

Do you want to be?

Yes, I do.You like.Hey, I met somebody.We went to her gym.Her name is Ashley.She's really cute.

Let me ask you this.Where do you live now, Big Ed?

So I live in Arkansas.

Okay, how long have you been in Austin?Four days.Let me ask you this.Yes, sir.In your four days here, have you kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?You haven't?

Why don't we turn up the red lights here?

We have a special segment on this show that we do every once in a while.Is there a Kill Tony female fan out there that's willing to come up and give this guy a big kiss?This lady out here?This is something we love to do ever since the show started.Don't everybody come up at once.Big Ed, Big Ed, Big Ed.

She's already coming.You don't get to pick.You don't get to like be rapey about it.

I already hired somebody.They already hired somebody.I'm kidding.I want this lady right here.I'm gonna stuff her face.

Jesus Christ, Big Ed.Here she comes.

Oh my God.

Look how lucky you are.Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.You gotta face sideways so that the cameras can see it.So wait, one second.Wait, Big Ed, you're gonna ruin this.You're like 92nd fiance up here.

You just don't blow it.What are you gonna say right now?With or without tongue?A good question.Put the mic up to her mouth.

I have a pretty long tongue, so I don't know if you can hear me.

Yeah, that means yes.Okay, sweetheart, what's your name?My name is Brooklyn.Oh, Brooklyn.Brooklyn, meet fucking Manhattan.

Yes, so this is kind of a cool this is you know, are you starstruck have you bought a cameo for me yet?

No, hey, what shut the fuck up, dude.

You're about to get a free kiss.Yeah, you know where you pitch your business ideas.Yeah, justbe in the moment, dude.Trust yourself.ABC, always be closing.

Yes.

C -Y -X -W -V -U -T -S -O -Q -P -O -N -M -L -K -J -I -H -G -E -N.ABCBS.

All I heard was UTI.I don't know what she said there exactly.He said ABC and she said the entire alphabet.Right.She thinks she's at a DUI checkpoint right now.This is perfect.

Ladies and gentlemen, all you have to do is have a good old make out session.

Big Ed.

Big Ed, grab that microphone.

How do you feel right now?That was better than being on the show.

Wow.Amazing.No, it's amazing.Oh, he just said you're hot.Let me ask you this, Brooklyn, grab that mic.How do you feel?

How did Big Ed kiss?Was it good?

That was actually, I wasn't expecting that.He was good.Wow.

Did you taste his lungs?

That's a red card right there.That's a red card.Oh my goodness.Oh my goodness.

By the way, does the timeout signal for a red card?

No, you're awesome.Fuck.Oh my goodness.And look at that.Her roots are like the carrots that your mom grows.

So hold on, so do I get to go home with you?

Whoa, no, you don't get to Big Ed, no.Big Ed is the king of cock blocking himself, ladies and gentlemen.Do I get to take, like it's a joke book.Do I get to take her home with me?Jesus Christ.No, you don't get to, unless she wants to.

Oh my goodness.Look at the tits on this one.And also she has some too.I'm going to be here until Wednesday.All right.Brooklyn.

See you until Thursday.Brooklyn, here's a big joke, but you get that.Congratulations.You are a legend.Oh my goodness, Big Ed squeezing a little too tight there.Whoa, look at Big Ed checking out the goods on the way out like a real creepazoid.

He looks like one of the Wonka kids, and Wonka was like, the factory's yours, Charlie.

Hey, can I shout out my tattoo artist, Sky, from San Diego?What the fuck are you talking about?

Only if he also wrote a la ha ha ha.Oh my god, wow.What the fuck is going on right now?Oh my god.How many birds do you have?Wait, are these all falcons?

What are they?

Guardian Angels, sir.Guardian Angels?Wow.And he's in San Diego?I didn't realize South Florida had its own San Diego.That's incredible.

No, I go to San Diego just to get my tattoos.

Okay.Big Ed, you are like the longest interview in this show's history.Here's a big joke book, buddy.Unbelievable times.Incredible.

Love you guys.God bless you.

We love you.One of the funniest penguins in the world, ladies and gentlemen.One more time for Big Ed.There he is.Big Ed, put the mic in the mic.Grab the mic stand.

By the way, that's just crazy that that just happened, by the way.

I mean, that was awesome.I have to be honest, I've never seen the show, but I know who he is.

The place went crazy.

Your bug joke deserves a lot more than it got.What did I just do?You just casually said, old women smack me in the dentist's office.And you go, what?

Because they thought you were a bug?And only Redman laughed.That is true.

I almost died of laughter at that for some reason.Jovial, a jovial guy.I mean, he is bug -esque.Where's the zapper?Here, grab that zapper.Every once in a while, during the summer heat of Texas, we have a little fly issue.

And we like to kill flies live.We're the only major broadcasted show in which we kill flies live.On the show, they are lingering around the Mexican couple.Spoiler alert.Shit.It's a quick little fella.

I think Big Ed just turned into the fly, everybody.One second he's Big Ed, he's like, I'm outta here.Here we go.Oh, I think he got it.And now we move on to a golden ticket winner.Ladies and gentlemen, this guy won his golden ticket about a year ago.

Very, very funny, man.Make some noise for the long awaited return of Orhoon Timur, everybody.Make some noise for Orhoon, everyone.

Thank you, guys.I met Big Ed back there.Man has a hickey, doesn't have a neck.I don't know how you guys achieved that.It's really good.Do you guys like immigrants?

No, you don't.Shut up.i understand listen i came to this country 15 years ago i was very into it like melting pot different cultures then i got myselfI was like, okay, it melted enough, I think.How much gimmicks?I struggled a lot.

Like my first job, I remember I was very foreign.And my first week, my boss told me, you need to watch the sexual harassment training.And I was like, I'm Eastern European.I was taught by the best, sir.I don't know what else you can teach me on top of that.I don't know.

A lot of things change, you know, like when I was growing up in Turkey, I really was like, you know how America attacks Middle East, I really minded that.But after a while, like I moved here, the gas price keep going up.You're like, government do your thing, you know.There's a regime change and who gives a fuck is done, get in there.You love being involved.I want to be a part of it.

Libya, Libya.All right, thank you for listening to me.Have a good night.

Orhun Timur doing just enough of homage to the hit song New York, New York that it would not be flagged by the YouTube algorithm.

That's exactly what my intention was.

That is perfect.You're a brilliant genius.You're one of the smartest men from Turkey that I've ever met in my entire life.Orhun, how's life going?I mean, good in some ways, bad in some other ways.Tell us about it.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, I have two people I care about in prison.One of them is in prison in America.One of them is in prison in Turkey.There's stuff like that.How did they get put in prison?The American ones, I can do it.

It's okay.It's okay.It's big head.

What if that fly grabs the mic and goes, hey, my cameo is only $69.

Hey, how do you like the view?I love the view!

How do your friends keep getting put in prison?Well, the American one sold meth, so...The Turkish one had opinions, which is sometimes worse.He did comedy, he's a comedian guy.

The Turkish one is?Yeah, yeah, yeah.And what exactly did he say in Turkey that got him put in prison?You want me to say the exact thing?Sure, fuck it.Well, you can say it here.

They don't understand English anyway.You're not in Turkey.

Yeah.So he did, you know, criticize the government, sprinkled some Islam jokes in there.

Which part do you think got him in trouble?The criticizing the government?

I think it was the part where he suggested the president's son, well, reminded people that he killed someone with impunity.I think that did it.Wow.Yeah.That's why I don't put subtitles under my clips.I'll be fine.

Yeah.

So if not, you know, Trump, though, right?That could come in.Huh?No, I'm just joking.

Well, what what was his sentence?How long is do you think he's going to be in jail for?

I mean, five years.But usually if you apologize to the right people, maybe a year, six months.

Is he going to apologize?

I don't think so.

Yeah.Because then you can't do comedy anymore.Like you apologize.You're doing right.He can't be scared.Yeah.

He can't be a chicken in Turkey.Yeah.Very interesting.What else goes on in Turkey that we don't know about?I know we talked about how you have to prove that you're gay if you don't want to be in the military, like you have to send in a video of you sucking someone off or getting buttfucked.Literally can't make it up.

That's true.In Turkey, you can get out of being in the mandatory military if you don'tfucking suck some dick.

No, actually, not to be a stickler, but I don't know if you remember, but the blowjobs don't count.

Really?

Yeah.Oh, shit.And you can't be top also.They're very...Really?Yeah.

You have to have anal insertion in your own butt.They say.

I don't know.Again, I...

You know, I don't know.I don't know.I don't know.I haven't read the website, but that is amazing.I like when you said I'll be fine.Like that was that sound like something you maybe like tag at the end of your jokes.

Do you have a catchphrase or some sort of like an overall, I guess, people suggest you should say this a lot.

But when they say it, I don't because, you know, you don't have a catchphrase.No, no.

Your style of comedy is very dry.Is it because you're from Turkey?

Oh, Red Band.

Red Band.

Red Band.Red Band.They're funny.Where's your sound effect?You've earned it, buddy.There it is.

There's like a Red Band section tonight, by the way, over here.Just a bunch of morbidly obese comedy fans.It's incredible.Good to see you guys.Who love food puns.

That's a great joke, Red Band.By the way, I start dry.It takes me 10 minutes usually to get to the wet jokes.

That's another turkey joke.Hell yeah.Wow.Look at you guys just firing back and forth.My goodness.OK, so Orhun Timur, what are you doing for work?

You just do stand up comedy.Is there anything else?You seem like the kind of guy that doesn't mind painting, sometimes painting a wall or something for somebody.

I paint T -shirts.You do?Yeah.Do you want one?

Do I have to answer now or?That's the third time.That's the last time I'm going to say that.But you do have a painter vibe.I don't know if it's a ponytail and a mustache.You look like Bob Ross's son.

You know who Bob Ross is?Yeah.You know the guy who's like, I'm going to put a little tree.I'm going to put a little black guy right here.

Yeah.My dad has never been that friendly, like calm.Yeah.

You said your dad wasn't?

Yeah, yeah.He's, well, loving.

Tell us about your dad.We want to know the tough Turkish dad.Yeah.

I mean, yeah.He's an interesting guy because you can just swear at him for minutes and he'll laugh, but then you drop his pen randomly and he could get livid.You never know with him.

Does he have a special pen?I mean, pen people can be very serious.I actually, it's a weird thing that I've gotten into recently.I'm into pens.I use Sharpies on this show, but at home, I'm a pen guy.Yeah, got a little collection.

I've gotten into some weird shit now that I'm in my 40s.The pens aren't special.It's just mine.Oh, it's just like a regular old Bic, like a disposable pen?

Like a yellow.I don't know why we're talking about pen.Well, if it's yellow, it's probably good.Yeah, it's probably a good pen.That's the rich pen color.

I mean, if it's a pen, as long as it's not a highlighter, if he's freaking out about a dropped highlighter, that's completely nuts.But if he has a yellow pen, it's probably a good pen.

Oh, wow.Now I forgive him.

What made you drop the pen?Was that an accident or did you do it on purpose?

I wanted him to be angry at me.

Wow.How about mom?What's mom like?What's it like having a Turkish mother?

Uh, it's like, it's hard to explain, but they love you a lot.

Ah, that's pretty easy to explain.Yeah.It was actually very easy.

I'm being joking.Like I'm saying, like, uh, they're very sort of involved and they call you.Alright.Very good.It's a...You're good.

I thought you were in charge.You look like you're in charge.Orhoon, you're good.

Another very fun set.Always hilarious.Orhoon Timur, ladies and gentlemen.We love you.Orhoon, the man, the myth.Thank you.

We love him.There goes Orhoon, everybody.Back to the bucket we go.We are going to meet another comedian.This looks like a new name.Make some noise for Michael Dragon, everybody.

Michael Dragon.

A friend of mine, she's been complaining to me that, by the way, I'm nervous as fuck, sorry.Thanks, buddy.But yeah, so anyway, so break the tension, cool.She's been complaining to me that all the guys that she's been with lately, all they ever wanna do is fuck her face, which, real quote, also one hell of an intro.Thank you.I just started laughing.

I was like, jeez, oh my God.I would never do that to your face.I'd make love to it.Unlike those other guys, before my balls smack your chin, I asked for permission.So, fun fact, in the 1950s, so many people in America smoked.Don't know why that's funny, but I like it.

That in the 60s, when they found out smoking caused cancer, it was so shocking, President Kennedy's head exploded.Too soon, ma 'am?Too soon?My next joke's about Jesus.I hope that's not too soon.Thank you.

Michael Dragon.Am I saying that right?Dragon?Yes, sir.What happened?That fall out of the bucket?

All right, just make it the next one.Hello, Michael.How are you?How long you been doing stand up?About nine years off and on.I love it.

years off and on Yes, sir, and at one point you were the little boy from a sixth sense.Am I correct?Yes, I've unfortunately gained some weight but yes, sir, you've all you're all grown up now You said six years nine years nine years.

We're at Cleveland's near Youngstown We know we know where we know where Cleveland is I'm trying to build a relation, anyways.

Don't try to fuck my face, Michael.Don't try to fuck my face.No, sir.

No, sir.

Okay, so you've been doing any, you still live in Cleveland?

No, no, no, no, I've been in Austin for about six years now.

Six years?Yes, sir.Wow, okay, what made you move here six years ago?

Friends, lack of any, I had broken up with my girlfriend at the time, so I was kind of sad, so I was just kind of.

Nice.

moving on.

I appreciate a lot of people where we come from.Never leave.And it's shocking and very bizarre.Very sad.Very sad.I don't really want to say that because my friends watch this.

And right now they're in Youngstown going, oh, fuck, he's sad.Yeah, I am every day for you.

You guys are sad.Yes, it's you.Exactly.You that I'm talking about, Jimmy.Anyway, Frank.

Okay, so Michael, here we are.And you've been doing it that long.You've lived in Austin for six years.How do you make a living?

Currently I work at a credit union in collections.

Wow, that's gotta be a busy job.You have to be very busy.There's a couple people with unpaid bills out there booing.

Stop not paying your fucking bills.What's the problem?

By the way, I would definitely pay my bills if I heard on the other line, Hi, this is Michael Dragon.

Sorry, what did I do?

How did you get that name?Why are you not a porn star or a detective?

I get a lot of do you drag these nuts across your face shit all the time Wow

Yeah.Oh my God.

I'm just glad my girlfriend isn't fucking sick.

How do you spit it?So drag it.D -R -A -G -O -N.Yes, sir.Yes, sir.Yeah.

How is that from a long line?

Um, it's check.Uh, there's some, yeah, short answer checks.Wow.

Wow.Have you ever heard of big Ed from the 90 day fiance?

I did.Yes.Yes.I have.I'm familiar with him.

Okay.He was on here earlier.

OK.

And I'm noticing that you guys kind of look alike.

Oh, I've been trying to lose weight, too.Do you know?

Do you know your dad?

Oh, yeah.OK.Yeah.He's also fat.

So, yeah.All right.Yeah, go ahead.Did you get starstruck when you saw Big Ed?Did you see him back there?

No, I was confused.I was like, who is this man?Oh, after someone explained it to me.

Oh, you saw him at like Shakespeare's the bar next door.Yes, sir.

Got it.

What's it like over there tonight?Give these people a description of how would you describe the sign up process?I don't ever ask this question.

I'm glad you wait in line.You have hopes and dreams.Most weeks they get crushed.Um, how many times have you signed up for the show if you had maybe a dozen times?

Wow, this is your first time on.

No, sir.First time was that in so it's first time I ever signed up.

Wow.That was a long time ago.

Yes, it was.

How did that go for you?Who were the guests that night?

Um, it was Jamar neighbors.Uh, my minute sucks, but you seem to appreciate the interview.

So nice.What did we find out in the interview that impressed me so much?

Um, I said that I wouldn't cash a check for a black man and That's exactly...Here's a big joke book.No.

Why would you not cash a check for a black man?This is fantastic.

I mean, the serious answer is that it fell under everything of like, this is a little funny, as far as the check is concerned.And then so I turned it over to my boss, whoapparently highly racist because the check was completely legitimate.Wow.Incredible.Yeah.

She she waterworks out of keeping her job for another year at least.So wow.

What made you think it was a fake check?It just other than the skin color of the man that presented it to you.

I mean, that is the first clue.No.No, no, no.It's just the design of the check didn't match anything else that we...The company had just switched designs.

What did the black man's check have that the design...Did it have like a chain around it or something?Airbrush.

Is there a...They're just trying to build a relationship.

No, it went from very plain design to very chaotic design is the short answer.

Got it.

Yeah.

Got it.Michael, what's your love life like?

It was going shitty until very recently.I'm...Yeah, I finally am dating someone.She's...

Where'd you find her at?

Castle yeah, she's a comic so I found her in the you know the streets somewhere, but Oh, she's gonna love that answer.

Jesus Christ.She's a joker.

Trust me, she will, once you see...Yeah.Yeah, if you ever meet her, yes.

Okay.So, how long have you been dating this girl?

Officially, just like a month or two, but we've been talking...We've known each other for years.

Sure, but like a month or whatever ago, what happened exactly?Take us through that first night where you're like, oh, this has gone down.

So, I was looking at her OnlyFans, and I decided that I'm very lonely.No, I know we just Basically, I realized that she likes me and how did you realize that because she was?Okay short answer She zoom called me and she kept showing me her tits and we were doing a writing session and she's like hey You should give me a ride somewhere.I'm like, I'm very oblivious to shit andso you're like I'm busy can't give you a ride anywhere and so I was asking like why'd you show me your tits she's like well men usually do things for me and I was like oh okay that's cool like just totally not getting it and then I forget what happened but it just clicked and all of a sudden every image from the past two years I'm like oh she's been hitting on me for fucking years Wow And then what happened?And then I started messaging her constantly.

And then what happened?

And then eventually I wore her down and she said yes.

And then what happened?Tell us about the first time when something physical started happening.You felt a little something in your belly.Oh yeah, that was mid -January.Mid -January.Here we are.

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen.The answer that we've been looking for.Mid -January, you guys are what?On your couch?

No, no, she had been in the really she had just started dating a guy that lasted maybe a month.She was very depressed I was talking with her and she kept saying like oh all these guys that hang out with me Try to give me money and stuff like that.So I Was just like yeah, cool.I don't have an interest.

I'm sorry, Tony So the first time you guys did anything physical take us there That's what I've been asking you for.Still waiting for it.Oh, see, you haven't.I haven't had sex in eight years.You haven't.Here we go.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you questioning my interview process, which I saw a lot of that out there.Oh, I saw your fucking faces.You think you're watching me?I'm watching you.I'm watching a show.How about that?

How's that for a twist after 13 years?I've been watching you the whole goddamn and you at home, too.

Jimmy all right, but I haven't had sex in eight years, huh, Oh Brooklyn Joking I'm joking I'm joking have you ever been with a

two -tone carrot brunette?I feel like I'm about to.She's probably icing her tongue right now.So Michael Dragon.No, sir.I'm a good Christian boy.

This interview, we're having a repeat, and it's been six years since you've been on this show.

Yes.

And we are having a repeat because the set, okay, good, right, good.Sure.But this interview just went to a whole nother fucking level.Because eight years with a chick showing you her tits.She supposedly has an OnlyFans.You met her on the streets, we say.

And somehow you haven't been able to make a maneuver yet.Can you explain how this is going on?What is going on?Because we're going to help you.Red Band is our senior closer correspondent.He has a real knack at teaching men how to...

I mean, if he can do it.

All right, it's fine.How do you get over the fact that she's transgender?

Okay.Okay.The interview is getting better and better, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be right back.We'll keep her right here.

That kind of guy.Okay.Let's take it all one step at a time here, Michael.So, the transgender woman showed you her tits a few months ago.And then a month ago, you say that you guys are officially dating, right?Because did you say that?

Did you ask her?Did you say, will you be my it friend or whatever it is?Will you be my them friend, my they friend?What is it exactly?What do you call that when it's transgender?

Honestly, we just kind of joke around about she'll make a thing.I told her to kiss me in Russian, just like flirty stuff.

What is kiss me in Russian, honey?Wow, I wouldn't imagine.that.Send us an email.Sub to Minya.

Minya is me, and then...

Okay, let's go back here, Michael.So, you knew she was transgender the whole time.

Definitely.

You guys have been laughing together.Oh, fuck yeah.

Hell yeah.What a dumb fucking question, Tony.I did not, not know.

She's very open about it.I've sincerely always thought of her as a woman, but...Great.

John Deas has a great point.He goes, and that's why he ignored the titty pictures.Because it's just basically fake tits.They are fake tits.With some real tissue.And your girlfriend has a penis, right?

Yeah.Okay.But you've never seen it.

Oh, no.Plenty of people have seen it, Tony.But have you seen it?Uh, not in person.

Not in person.Only on OnlyFans?Uh, yes.Have you smelled it?

What the fuck?That is a disrespectful question, Red Band.He's back.

When you have someone being open on a show like this, it is disrespectful.

Not even 16 minutes ago, you were doing dry turkey material.And now you're like, did you smell the trans cock?

He's back.Jesus Christ.Sorry.That's so good.But Red Band, you can't ask questions like, have you smelled it?No, I have not.

Okay, so what do you think?Have you kissed?

I'm a huge pussy, so no, we haven't.Is he a huge pussy too?

Or is he more of a dick?You know what I'm saying?Why are you so nervous?Like, you came out, even on your set tonight, you were nervous.Someone in the audience just said, you, by the way.

Correct.No, I am just a nervous person.But as far as doing that, so because I haven't dated anyone in eight years.So what happened was I stopped dating someone and then I was very sad over it for a long time.And then it just became momentum.And now it's like I'm trapped in my fucking this momentum of eight years.

You know what I'm talking about?

When's the last time you kissed a girl?Eight years ago.What if I told you you can kiss the girl right now?Would you take me up on it?

Depends, which one?

It's better than what you're probably used to.Okay, so my sincere answer is I only care about one.Is there a woman out there that's willing to kiss this guy?Is there anybody other than Brooklyn?But then again, since she has men's saliva in her mouth, he'll probably enjoy it.Is there a different woman that's willing to?

This guy hasn't kissed a woman in eight.years.Is there a trans woman out there that's willing to?We found one.All right.Come along this way.

Horn players, let her squeeze through.Come on through.Sorry, Alexa.Sorry, Alexa.Alexa should have made her.Jesus Christ.

Look at this.You're leveling up.I mean, oh, my God.Hello.Amazing.What's your name, sweetheart?

Julia, ladies.How about a hand for Julia?Award hero.What'd you say, you're about to explode?I'm about to disappoint.I don't think you're going to disappoint her.

Believe in yourself, baby.Yeah.Let it rip.Feel normal.Are you going to give him a real kiss, Julia?I think you should go for it.

Just relax.Just have fun.Yeah.You guys, stay sideways.Stay sideways.Yeah, like that.

Come on, let's go for it.One time.Little head movement there, it looks like, perhaps.He got some tongue.This is a crazy show tonight.This is a fun show.

Julia, grab that mic real quick.Tell us, give us a report.What was that kiss like?Did it feel like a guy that hasn't given a kiss for eight years or did he, is he natural?

No, he's not natural.

Not natural.

But it's been a minute, right?It's been eight years.Yeah, so what would you...He tried his best.He tried his best.There you go.

He looks like he's having fun.I haven't seen him smile that big the whole time he's been up here.You're loosened up a little bit now, right?Julia, let me ask you something.What would be, if you could give him one piece of advice on his kissing, what would you say?

Do fucking better.Oh, shit!

No, this is for Julia.This is for Julia.Here you go.Boom.Good job.Yeah, bend over.

Good job, Julia.How about a hand for Julia?She's a hero, ladies and gentlemen.Good job, Julia.Julia, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show.

Red Band is on fire tonight.

This is incredible.Red Band is the MVP of tonight's episode.

Red Band saved all of his funny material for tonight.Yeah, Red Band, careful.

You're going to get booked on your own show.

Oh, my God.All right.Really?Really?All right.Hold on.

Okay.Here you go.I'm giving you a medium -sized joke book, Michael.You would have gotten a big one, but you went for that hug at first, and that really disappointed everybody.You guys are booing the medium joke book selection?You're booing him.

Very good.Just about to have to empty the first five rows of people here and trade them in with the people waiting outside.Michael, good job.You did it.There you go.Michael Dragon, everybody.

You gotta loosen up, Michael.

You only live once.I have been informed, ladies and gentlemen, by the powers that be, that Julia actually signed up for the show.Is that correct?Is that what you're saying, that the girl that just kissed him signed up for the show?Oh, his girlfriend signed up for the show.Is she around?

She's right here?Or next door?Okay, we will get her up here.This is going to be very interesting.Not the girl that just kissed him.His actual girlfriend who he has never kissed signed up for the show We are wrangling her right now instead of moving on this you thought the most interesting thing tonight was gonna be Tony's pen hobby stick around is I really fallen in love with my pen hobby and You know, it's a thing once you start you don't stop be careful stay away from those fountain pens, especially Look at this lady shaped like Big Ed going to the bathroom.

Absolutely incredible.You gotta love her.Big Edith, ladies and gentlemen.It was Big Edith.Her husband just shaking his head and pointing at me now.Very good.

You gotta love it.It's a real live show, people.He's getting a random high five from an audience member.Are you British, sir?You look British.Are you British?

All right, he just looks British.We're having fun in here tonight.We're having a good old time.How about a hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen?We are wrangling the transgender comedian.New Adam Ray shows drop every Friday on Netflix.

Just a reminder, you never know who will be at Madison Square Garden August 7th and August 8th.And in Las Vegas, November 13th and 14th, we are there, Kill Tony.The Kill Tony band, for those of you in New York, is playing City Winery on August 6th.And a special announcement right now, for the first time ever, Kill Tony, for the fourth year in a row.How weird is that to say?We'll be on New Year's Eve in an arena, the Moody Center, on New Year's Eve for the fourth year in a row.

Tickets for that go on sale August 18th, 818.Yes.Using the promo code KILL26, you can be the first people to buy the only Austin Kill Tony in which tickets are available.That is New Year's Eve, our fourth year in a row, 8 -1 -8.August 18th, in memory of the great Brody Stevens.Fun fact about 8 -1 -8, I'll be throwing the first pitch at the Houston Astros game versus the California Angels.

How weird is that?They told me they want you 8 -1 -8.August 18th.That's awesome.To throw a baseball.

Have you thrown one before?

Yes.I'm going to throw a fucking heater, dude.I'm going George W. Bush 9 -11 on this.Watch me. I'm calling it right now.Everyone's going to be so surprised.A gay man threw a baseball good.

Shut up.Shut up.What is this?Okay.Oh yeah.We pulled two names.

It's Alexa.Ladies and gentlemen.You think so.Very good.That's always very professional.You always love a good, I think so, on the number one biggest comedy show in the world.

I think so.Ladies and gentlemen, you know her.She's been on this show before, once before, but now you know her as Michael Dragon's girlfriend.This is a brand new minute from Alexis Alizari, ladies and gentlemen.Here we go.

Sorry, I was late.I just flew in from Thailand and boy is my dick missing.Guys, I'm at the point I lie about my age on dating apps.And it's embarrassing because this guy caught me.He picked me up in his truck.He took one look at me, one look at my Tinder profile, and he says, there's no fucking way you're 12.

I have two apps, one that says I'm trans, one that doesn't.Big difference.On the profile that doesn't say I'm trans, guys are like, you're beautiful.I would love for you to meet my family.On the profile that does say I'm trans, I got a message.It just said, my girlfriend is out of town.

Can I shit on your chest?That's disgusting.That's awful.He had abs, so I did it.But the joke was on me because his dick was so small, I could do a line of fentanyl off it and live.

Boom.Exactly a minute.She's done it again.Alexis Alizari, two for two all -time Kill Tony appearances.Welcome back, Alexis.

Thank you so much.I'm so happy to be here.

You're fantastic.So, Alexis, let's get right to the goods.You know what I'm saying?Let's get right to the goods, because Michael Dragon was up here earlier, right?And he had a good set.Hit a good set.

Nothing too crazy, but a good set.And then we're in the interview portion.It's going on and on.I'm trying to figure out, something felt off about he was telling me that he has this new girlfriend for a month.And something felt off, because I'm like, when did you first hook up?When did you first do something physical?

And then I had to keep digging and digging and digging and digging.And then finally, I find out he hasn't kissed a girl or anything like a girl.In eight years.So Alexis, let me ask you, you seem sexually active.You seem, uh, you seem, I mean, you just said that a guy took a shit on your chest, which is like, I don't, I don't, I don't think that's third base.Exactly.

You know what I mean?I'm pretty sure that's fucking the dugout.So I guess my question and the world's question at this point is how have you, if you're dating Michael Dragon, how have you not made a move on him yet?

Well, I mean, I feel like it's because, you know, I've lived a crazy life.Like you're from Ohio.Like this.OK, so this might seem like off and I don't want to get too personal with everyone.But Michael Dragon is the first guy I've ever dated that has not had a swastika tattoo on his face.

Wow.You gotta get out more.

I'm just saying, I have fucked more Nazis than a Russian winter freeze.Wow.I'll give you an example.Youngstown, Ohio.Met this guy, his name's Phil.I pulled down his pants, swastikas on his dick.

Really big, so it turned out to be my struggle.

Wow.

Sucked him so hard, he Auschwitzed.

Wow.

I'm not gonna go through all the ones I have, because I have about six million of these.No, Mike is the first nice guy I've ever dated and I don't want to ruin it because a lot of guys, believe it or not, have said that I'm bad at sex.And as a trans woman, it can be very traumatic having sex because a lot of people use you as an experimental phase.So it's really hard to be intimate when you're constantly being fetishized and with people who basically won't even want to be seen in public with you.Interesting.

Now, do you think Michael doesn't want to be seen in public with you?

Apparently not after this.

Right.No, he was very open about it.I think he really likes you.

I know.I think we should get married right on this show.Well, I'm just kidding.The God King would not appreciate that marriage.The God King?

Who's the God King?

What?

Who's the God King?

Donald J. Trump.No, I don't think, I don't think, um, gay people should get married.So, I mean, I'm gonna...

I think, I mean, you know, what do I know?But I think that the God King, a .k .a.the reigning defender,three -time president of the united states of america hey hey hey hey hey you watch it you watch it i think he has a you can do whatever you fucking want sweetheart thank you president biden but i just want to say i think that the god king president trump gets a very bad reputation And I think Trump would love it if we had a trans wedding on this show.

Thank you, Tony.You're welcome.You're welcome, God.You're welcome, God.You're welcome, God King Trump.The one and the only.

Great UFC card, by the way, I must say.Okay.

I mean, I just want him to pay for my pussy so he can grab me by it.

Okay, let me ask you this.How much does a new pussy cost?

$20 ,000.That's how I know trans women are the dumbest men on the planet, because they're the only men that'll spend 20 grand on pussy and still not get a blowjob after.

That's hilarious.So it's like two MacBook Pros.

Basically, yeah.It's fucking expensive.

Or like 100 ,000 pens.

You ain't getting the same pens as I am, brother.Wow, $20 ,000.Have you tried looking at Timu or anything like that?Have you tried to look at a Timu pussy, aka a baseball glove?

Well, believe it or not, the first time I ever looked, my dad went with me to the doctor, and I don't know, this is relatable, like you've probably done this, looked at possible vaginas with your father, and...And he's looking through it, but he doesn't know anything about gay shit, but he knows about cars.So he was describing them like someone would describe a car.He was like,oh, don't get a Thailand rust bucket.You're not gonna have any backseat room.

Wow.Absolutely incredible.

But it's a common misconception.A lot of transition is out -of -pocket pay.

Out -of -pocket.That makes sense.

Yeah, that's why I'm prolapsed trying to pay for all that out -of -pocket expense.

Right.And so, but you are interested in getting the surgery.

Yeah, I mean, I think I would definitely like the surgery because I, you know, identify as a woman and I think it would be easier to go through life because I feel like a lot of trans people nowadays, you know, kind of have turned into something more political where it's kind of, I view it as more of like, you know, just an illness that I deal with, similar to like autism or ADHD.It's just something that I deal with.And like, I get like a lot of hate for that sometimes.Like I posted, like, I don't think kids should transition on Facebook.And I got a bunch of hate comments.

Can I just tell you, after hearing you ramble that long, you really are a woman.

Thank you so much.

No, the transition is complete, ladies and gentlemen.No periods, though.

I do got to say, Adam, everyone that's, what did you say?

Red band is cranking grand slams.This is absolutely incredible.

What did you say?I didn't get it.

He said she talked all at once.There was no periods.And she doesn't have periods.A woman that doesn't have periods.Okay.You go ahead.

I was just going to say, out of everyone that's made their way on stage tonight, you've come with the most energy, jokes, timing, making the best use of your time.And I hope that you recognize that.Because the show, obviously, you love it when it's great.You love it when it's a train wreck.But it's always fucking cool when you're like, oh, I want to make the most of my opportunity.And you did that.

It was awesome.And we love that here, believe it or not.

You know, I'd love to have you on the secret show at the creek in the cave this Thursday.

No, you're just put her on a secret show.Thank you.And here you go.Here's a big joke book.

Thank you.

If you fold it correctly, it turns into a pussy.So good luck.There goes Alexis Alizari, ladies and gentlemen.All right, we're getting through it.We're running into overtime here.This has been a long show.

This bucket pool's been waiting a while.Let's get them up here.Make some noise for Andre Belton, everybody.A minute uninterrupted for Andre Belton.

I'm half Latino, just means that my dad is white and my mom knows how to seize an opportunity.Us Latinos, we have not been doing well.I don't know if you guys can tell from your gated communities.We haven't, we haven't.But no one, no Latino has gotten worse than the president of Venezuela.You guys see that?

We straight up stole that guy.We stole him.We straight up oceaned 11 him in the middle of the night with Nike sweats on and threw him in a cage with an angry Latina.Okay, that's...You know how much of a wild boy you have to be to be the only Latino to be forcefully imported?That's crazy.

I like to imagine Trump visiting him in the jail cell.Look at who it is.You were talking so much shit over Xbox Live, now look at you.You said I couldn't find you, but we literally found you in three seconds.It cost taxpayers 38 billion dollars.but we did, we found you.

Andre Belton, everybody.The rare Latino doing a Trump impression, aka the God King.Welcome, Andre.You've been on this show before?

No.Okay, it's your first time.This is my second time signing up.

Okay, congratulations.How long have you lived in Austin?

How did you know I lived in Austin?

I don't.And right now you could be, oh, well, I'm actually visiting from New Orleans.And I'd be like, OK.

No, I do live in Austin.I moved here about nine months ago.There you go.

Took us a while to get there, but we got the answer out of you.Nine months.What do you do for work, Andre?What exactly?

I sell myself on the Internet.What do you mean?Of course, you want to know what that means.

Go ahead, Andre.

No, I do.I do like comedy online full time.Social media, stupid videos.

OK, like your biggest video, what is that?Can you describe what you did on that video to where you make a living making videos for a living?

I do a lot of reaction content.My biggest video has like 58 million views, which is insane.And it's literally just a guy backing up and reacted to a guy backing up.And this bitch is like, you can't back up like that.And then he backs up and does perfect parallel parking.And I was like, yeah, that's right, bitch.

He's right.I'm on his side now.And that was it.That was literally it.OK.

Yeah.Big Ed has a video where he just turned.and it's got a hundred billion views.I know.Is that wild?I wish I had his neck.

Yeah.You know this guy.You saw him next door at Shakespeare's.I did.

I mean, it's kind of hard not to see him.

He kind of stands out.He stands out.He does stand out.Let me ask you this, Andre.What do you like to do for fun?What are some hobbies of Andre Belton?

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a little maybe a little parkour once in a while.

Parkour.

I'm feeling some parkour.Well, I do like hopping borders.That's fun.You do what?Hopping borders.What do you mean by that?

Well, you know, the Latino joke that I just made, you know, that's insinuation.OK, that didn't land at all.That's all right.Uh, no, I like fucking.

Okay.

Fucking's fun.

I'm an ex -sex addict.Okay, what's the craziest amount of sex?Like, what's the most insane, when you're like, man, this addiction's out of control, what's the craziest thing you did?Multiple girls in a week, a day, anything like that?

I usually measure that by the amount of fat bitches that I fucked in one weekend.Ah, yeah.Generally, you know what I mean?

How many was that?How many pounds?Accumulative?

I would say...It would it would definitely It'd be give us a ballpark like probably like 500 pounds.

Oh, well, that's just one chick one and a half One really fat chick or is that two 250s don't look 250s Wow Look at that are the big gals drawn to you or do you you go find them?

it's like They're drawn to me like a drug dealer's drawn to like a crackhead on the streets, you know what I mean?Like when I haven't gotten my fix for a while.I realized I had a problem when...When you were parkouring outside of a Curbs gym?When I was parkouring, I was parkouring, I was just jumping around and the fat bitch just saw me and they just, they came around to me and they just fucked me right there.It was insane.

How do you pick them up?

What's your like...

Well, you can't pick them up.

But how do you get them to fuck you?

I just want to let you know my preference isn't fat bitches.That's just the lowest But that's the topic of conversation.

Yeah, it is a good topic conversation.

The bar is the bar is lowered Let's say let's put it that way the salad bar is lowered The best way to pick up chicks is just to be mean to them on tinder Ah, they're on Tinder.Yeah, that is the best way.

To be mean, what do you mean?

You just gotta be like, what's up, bitch?

Whoa, wow.

That's it.I tried the other way.I tried like, you're so beautiful, and I love everything that you are.

How many times did you try that?

So I actually, I got sponsored.

There's some fat women yelling at you from the audience right now.They're very angry.

You wanna go parkouring later?I'm fucking down.Uh, no, I got sponsored by Tinder in college.They actually reached out to me, because I had like 2 ,000 matches.Whoa.Yeah.

Wow.And I went through...

In your fanny pack or what?

Yeah, that's how many matches you have to light after a weekend of banging fat girls to make the room not smell bad anymore.2 ,000 matches.Anybody?Anybody get that one?Relieve the scent in the room?Okey -dokey.

Whoopsie -daisy.Um, alright, Andre, I gotta tell you, these interviews tonight have been so crazy that this, somehow, is a very mellow one.

You look like you sold coke to all the kids at the Sandlot.Yeah, it is true.The one rough kid that was like, you guys are still playing t -ball, huh?Yeah, dude, I went up to them and was like, fuck you guys.You guys are still pulling baseballs out of dogs' mouths?I'm fucking fat chicks.

You guys don't even do parkour, fat bitches?

Alright, I think we did it.

Yeah.Sorry.Andre, this is a Bucky's medium size.This is a really good joke book.Here you go.The great Andre Belton, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.We have a regular here, ladies and gentlemen.He is a unbelievably one of the top young rising comedians in the world.We've been following his story from being in Japanese prison for a while and uh and now he's back in america touring all over the country ladies and gentlemen one of our great regulars in the history of the show this is a brand new minute or a minute plus from the great dedrick flynn ladies and gentlemen Do y 'all, do y 'all, what happened to horror movies?

Like, cause like when I was growing up, horror movies, we had like actual monsters.Like we had like Freddy, like don't go to sleep in a white neighborhood on Friday.You know, you had Jason, like don't bully fat kids.That nigga go come back and kill Chucky.Like it was like actual scary things.Like don't go to the lake at night.

There's a mermaid that's going to kill you.And now you, when you watch horror movies, they're just like, Don't fall in love.Don't ever meet your neighbors, nigga.The worst thing you could do is meet your neighbors.Now everybody's dead.Don't ever open up, all right?

Don't ever open up.Don't meet anybody new.Don't go on vacation.Just sit in the house and hate people.That's my time, I love y 'all.A great new minute.

I love it.That is true.Where the fuck, what happened to the good fucking scary guys?That's crazy, right?I mean, we had Michael Myers, Jason, Freddie, Chucky.

Well, I got I got a theory on it, Tony.I think it's I think the AI robots want us to stop.unionizing, being friends.And that's because they keep buying up all the houses with the cryptocurrency, electric money.And then they want us living in apartments because you can't meet nobody if you got to take an elevator.Because the rules on the elevator, don't look me in the fucking eyes.

You know what I'm saying?Don't have a conversation.Like, if me and you were talking and we get on the elevator and somebody come on, we just stop talking because we don't want them niggas to know our secrets.

Absolutely.Everybody, there's no doubt about it.You've nailed it yet again.It is incredible though.You are right.It's like the places are haunted, but the people.

aren't haunted.

Yeah.

And everybody's chasing these dragons.You can like tell that some things worked.What the fuck was I watching the other day where it's like, oh, this is a good new scary movie.You're going to like it.And I was watching it.And then all of a sudden there's like a clown crawling towards somebody that looked like the clown from it.

I'm like, this is just ripping off it.

Yeah.They're just trying to read that movie was it.They remade it.Yeah.

Something else.

The fuck was it?Oh, it was Widow's Back.

And then someone was like, this show's fucking great.It's so great.And I'm like, how good is your weed?Because I fucking tried it.And then there's a clown.The first thing that's so scary, this twist, this twisty show, is a clown in the crawlspace.

Thank you, Michael Gonzalez.

Wasn't it, Dedrick?Okay.How dare you?

There was an opportunity for a great joke.There was.And then I capitalized on it, because I be capitalized.

You are capitalizing.You are capitalizing.But yeah, fucking, I was so pissed when it was a fucking clown.You saw that shit?It drives me crazy.Why are they doing that?

Why would they do that?Come up with your own thing, son of a bitch.Obsession was crazy, though.Did you see that shit, Adam?So good.Oh my God.

Incredible.Did you see it, Dedrick?

No, I was in jail.Oh, OK.

Perfect.

But it's on the list of things that you sent me to watch.

Yeah, you have some catching up to do.Have you seen Allah Ha Ha yet?It's not out, but I can get you on the list for the screening.

Taliban, we might be doing it.

Oh, yeah.We might be co -starring.

Starring Red Band and Adam Rae, a la ha ha ha.

Or the Taliban, it might be.Let's not forget, title undecided.Yeah.Title undecided.The untitled a la ha ha project.Yeah.

And if you liked a la ha ha, you'll love a la ha ha ha ha.

No, a la LOL.

Yours is better.Oh, my God.Uh, Dedrick, what else is going on in life?

Anything crazy?I just recorded my comedy special at a theater in Atlanta my first year.A lot of tears.It's going to be out on the YouTubes.It was gorgeous.Finally went on vacation.

That was cool.I was in the sands, Tony.I ain't been in the sands in nine years.And what are the sands?I won't go back again.

What are the sands?

Are you talking about the beach?Yeah.I'm going to water, though.You know what I'm saying?When it started to become ocean and let's be in the ocean, start right here.You know what I'm saying?

So as soon as it hit right here, I'm back on the in the sands.Wow.Building castles.I buried a couple of my close niggas.Nice.You know what I'm saying?

I see the tan you got tan.Yeah.

Thank you so much Your new nickname is weight box because you're batting over a thousand, you know what red band we've been doing this show together 13 years This has been I never thought the day would come but I'm telling you right now ladies and gentlemen This is a golden ticket, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, the record show.

Fred, you have earned it.You are absolutely hilarious.I'm going to shoot myself in the head now.Come on, White Day.Dedric, we are running in overtime.I love you.

You killed it again.The great and powerful Dedric Flynn.What an episode.We're having fun here tonight.These interviews have gone so long that fucking chaos.How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody?

yeah we're having fun how about one more time for the great adam ray while we're in the middle of it all this looks like a new name ladies and gentlemen make some noise for maya shimizu maya shimizu ladies have you ever told a man you're gay to get him to fuck off this they don't give a federal fuck they're like no baby you just haven't had the right dick yet let me change imagine I did that shit to a gay man. I walk up to him, I'm like, hey baby, he says, fuck off, I'm gay.I said, no baby, you just haven't had the right pussy yet.You've never had this Asian persuasion.You've never climbed the great wall of vagina.A lot of people think I am gay.So, you know, I had to do a little science experiment.

I ate some pussy.But you know the thing about a science experiment?You just can't test that shit once.That's bad fucking science.So, you know, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't gay, triple check, fourth day, you know, I took her to get a cab, moved in with her, introduced her to my parents, but on like the 10th time, I was like, okay, I'm very straight.I'm not gay, but I am Asian, and I am here today to disprove some stereotypes.

Stereotype number one, we have tight pussy.Stereotype number one, we have tight pussies.First of all, Fuck y 'all, whoever said that, okay?Some of us have hot dogs in a hallway for a fucking pussy.Some of us have wide -set fucking vagina, not me or anything, like, you know, not talking about me.

Other Asians, stereotype number two.Go ahead, go ahead, I wanna hear this, go ahead.

We have sideways pussies, that one's true.That's why we blur it out in porn.

Okay, Maya Shimizu.

Am I saying that right, Shimizu?Like she and me at the zoo.

Okay.I think we had a she -me -zoo up here earlier.She did a set.Okay.A she -he -zoo, if you will.Okay.

Maya, I gotta ask you, where are you from?Because I'm picking up from your accent a little bit of urban, a little bit of urban.Are you from Oakland, California?

No, I'm from Austin, Texas.Oh, wow.Yeah, born and raised.I'm just like Asian trash, if it ever existed.Nina Lynn.How did you end up...

There he is, taking this back.Good Lord Almighty.That's what I have to deal with every week.

I'm sorry.

Okay.No, you're good, Maya.You're good.He's back.He's back.Red band.

Okay.So you're from Austin.I'm going to scratch out Oakland.I was so positive about Oakland, by the way.I'm sorry.It's okay.

What part of Austin are you from?

I'm from North Austin.

North Austin.

You have a lot of black friends?Some.They're cool.

Uh -huh.Okay.You're a racist.

I mean, no, I'm kidding.We can get into that later.

OK, so Maya, how long have you been doing stand up?About a month.A month.Very good for a month.I got to tell you, you have great stage presence.I appreciate it, I appreciate it.

You're enunciating into the microphone.You have energy, you have perspective.

I was begging for a shot backstage, so I appreciate that.

You're doing good.What, sake?What did you want back there?Okay, Maya, what do you do for a living?

I'm a fire inspector.

Ooh, a fire inspector.Yeah.Tell us about that.How do you get into that industry?

I've changed careers about nine times.Like I've done, I worked for Child Protective Services for a while.I worked, I was a middle school teacher and then I said, fuck them kids.And now I'm just a professional snitch.I'm like, take the candle away.Put a fire hydrant there.

Okay.And do you what are you inspecting exactly the outdoors or you go into people's homes?

I go to businesses and I just inspect make sure that there's no like fire hazards.

So like you make sure that their smoke detectors are.Yeah.Let me ask you a question.

Oh, OK.

Because I mean, there is you were talking about stereotypes.We talk about stereotypes.I love stereotypes that I find.And it gets me in trouble sometimes.I find that the differences between different cultures are so fascinating to me.And I love that.

We live in America.A melting pot where Asians with black accents from Texas can come out here.We can do it all baby.We can do it all here in America.So my question is this, have you noticed that black owned businesses do not change their smoke detectors as much as white owned businesses?

I have noticed, maybe a little bit, but you know.

Wow, so that is a thing.

It's a part of their culture, you know, I just don't say anything.

Right.You don't say anything?You let them burn?

You're making me look bad.

Oh my goodness.Maya, what's your dream guy like?What kind of guys are you into in real life?Because you talked a lot about how you'll say you're gay, this, that.So it seems like no one's good enough for you.But what are you into?

Struggle?I'm open to everybody.Have you been with a black man before?

I mean, what do you think?

Yes.Yeah.

I have a joke about that, too.

OK.What's your joke about that?

OK.So my joke.Well, I did get one stereotype right.I am dating a white guy.He's like your favorite milk.Rich, white, and 2 % fat.

Okay.

I think he wanted a Asian male order bride, but he kind of got the Timu version.Get to the black part.Okay, fine.I usually date black guys, all right?Right.Um...

That guy should say, what did I tell ya?Jesus.What do you mean?Are you on panels, sir?

I think that was Dedrick.

I've been with that bitch before.I tried to watch a fucking scary movie with her ass.You wanna watch it?They remade it.