KT#737 - IAN BAGG + BRIAN HOLTZMAN

I gotta go back next week

we are Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

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Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives, huh?

-♪♪♪♪ Red Band everybody!

How about one more time for the best damn band in all the fucking land, huh? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, Mio Amayo. We got Matt. Brazilian Matt. Oh, it's Eli. Okay, Eli, everybody.

That's right, Brazilian Eli. Sean D's on the keys. And this here, believe it or not, D motherfucking madness in the house.

Oh my God.

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-♪♪♪ You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week and one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people just right. You're Rob Schneider's and Don L. Rawlings, if you will. You're Triple H's and Carrot Top's, if you will. This week, no different.

Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. One, a master improviser, famous for his unbelievable crowd work. The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stand-up comedy, an absolute man known for closing

every show in the main room of the Comedy Store and now the Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites, make some noise for Ian Bagg and Brian Holtzman.

Oh my God. Ian Bagg. Ian Back.

Gangster.

Kill Tony legend, Brian Holtzman.

Oh my goodness.

What a fucking panel we have here tonight. Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness. Hi, Brian.

How are you talking?

Say something into the microphone for the people.

How's everybody doing, man? Yahoo! Shit-kicking.

We're going to have fun with Brian, and the great Ian Bagg is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hot off a weekend here. Hello, Tony Second time on this show we had very exciting fun last time very exciting. I'm pumped to have you very exciting and terrified of Brian It's a perfect match It really is just I love Brian, but i'm terrified. Yeah, we all are he keeps us on our toes

I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years. I've been looking up to him and I consider him a mentor.

And I've been looking down to you.

These work a lot better, again, if you use that microphone, Brian, I promise. Again, he's 40-

And I've been looking down at you.

45 years in the industry, still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business. Famous for doing jokes off the mic, crushing off the mic. You guys know how it works. About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket. They are all crammed into a bar next door. Some of them, some of the most talented upcoming comedians from all around the world. Some of them, completely mentally ill people.

Some of them have never even tried stand-up before. Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half. Anything can happen. I'm gonna have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name. Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now.

Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show.

We're gonna have fun.

While we go wrangle that person, I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, I'll tell you what happens when they get up here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. They hear from our esteemed panel. And we have a lot of fun. The entire thing is improvised.

Anything can happen. start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! Yeah! A lot of our golden ticket winners and regulars are out on the road tonight. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever. We found him in Dallas, I think six, seven, eight years ago.

He famously was a good high kicker. He once kicked a, tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head and kicked him in the head. A lot of fun stuff. Fun history with this kid. He works hard.

He works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love him. Ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night, make some noise for Colt McNeely, everybody. Here comes Colt.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What's up? How are you?

Oh, man.

A little bit about me. I just got my own place. Thank you. I love this place, new apartment. My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me. Fellas.

Thanks for coming out, guys. You know, I think things are a little too political now. Would you agree? Yeah, right? I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt.

You know what I'm saying? Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt. You know what I'm saying? Antifa?

I miss that lady.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming out, guys. Oh man, you know, I love the gays. They're great, right? They're not doing too much. I've never been, but I hear a lot of good things about gay bars. You know, I heard they pour heavier drinks

than they do at straight bars. Have you heard this? That right? I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this. Thank you, guys.

Cold! What a great set!

Thanks, Tony! Hi, Ryan!

That was amazing.

Hi, Ryan!

That was amazing.

Hi, Ryan. Hello, sir.

You really came through. Thank you, sir. Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about 10 minutes ago, and I told you you're opening up the show, quote, don't suck.

Yeah, guys, no pressure, right?

The look on his face did change when I said it, by the way. It was like he was real excited. And then when I said, don't suck, he kind of just went like that. And I kind of felt bad. I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea.

But then you came out.

No, it works.

It works.

It works.

Pressure makes diamonds, I guess.

You're goddamn right. It was impressive. Yeah. How much stuff he could get in in one minute. He went from the gays to being alone to being drunk. Oh, man, there's a lot to talk about.

To sucking two dicks at one time.

Yeah.

Very impressive.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

We love it. Yes.

Holtzman.

I was very impressed, and I have a little comedy writing session in my place. You are welcome any time.

Hell yeah!

Starts about 12 at night,

and it'll just be you and I. Yeah. Colt, tell us about you, or tell these people. Oh, man. We know that you work here with us. You're a big part of the team. You've been hustling all around. You've been part of the Colt Toney production crew forever.

Yes, sir. What else?

I work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, Brian Redband's club.

Yeah, make fucking noise.

Yeah.

I run sound over there. I do spots. I'm like a regular over there, I guess. We have a show every Wednesday.

Okay. Jesus, Colt. I mean, how about something else other than plugging gay bullshit?

I don't know.

I just got a sponsorship for a yo-yo club or a yo-yo team. I'm a professional yo-yoer now.

Thank you.

That's pretty fucking boring.

Oh yeah.

Wow.

Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't know.

Right to the yo-yo. Do you have a yo-yo on you? I do, actually. Oh my God. Guys! I need some motherfucking yo-yo music. What do we got? Yo-yo, we need yo-yo music.

We got yo-yo. Everybody! We got yo-yo music. We got yo-yo music. Hey!

Whoa!

Wow! Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows. Better numbers than SNL. And somehow, wow, what a flex. Oh my God, there must be so many nots.

Unbelievable.

Thank you for coming out, for real. Thank you for coming out for real thank you for coming out yes they came out for that thank you guys I'm a fan now bring that to the

apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass Oh my god. Oh my god. Holy fuck. Pull it out real slow. Okay.

Oh my god, I had no idea this about Brian.

Anyway.

Thank you. Thanks for coming in.

Whoa.

All right, Cole.

Other than yo-yoing, you good at anything else?

What else?

Not really.

All right, perfect. I'm really good at yo-yoing, you good at anything else?

What else?

Not really.

All right, perfect.

I'm really good at setting up this table.

Yeah, that is true.

Yeah.

It's a lot of work, guys. It's like a puzzle. It comes apart. Some little behind the scenes for you.

Yeah, for those of you diehard fans that ever wonder, I wonder how long it takes to put the table together. I had no idea what we were talking about. An hour and 18 minutes is the record. Hour and 18 minutes.

Yeah.

They're coming up.

Filled with LED lights.

It's very strategic. There's little sound monitors. There's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas. It's a whole thing. It's a big deal. people turning off the show just then. Did you guys hear that? That was the most amazing humble brag I've ever heard in my life.

I've got a table that's got things in it.

It was a long time. We had fucking, you should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man.

I bet. Oh my god. How many yo-yos have you gone through?

Oh, too many to count.

Man, and I got another question. Remember how you said you're not living with a bitch anymore? After seeing your yo-yo, was that your mom?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Anyways.

It was. She does hate me.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I love it.

Colt, you did it. your headset and get back to the fucking oh what was that you got a gift from Holtzman what is it? I'm gonna wash my mouth out with it Wow you naughty boy fix the mic you're you work here remember there you go there he goes he got a bar of soap Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each oh

my god

my god the lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. New website, HeidiRegina.com. She's got sponsors and shit. She's fucking killing it. The real deal, a modern day Vanna White. One more time for Heidi, everybody. And so it has begun.

And now we get to the down and dirty. Our first bucket pull of the night. This person, no matter who or what they are, had no idea that they were gonna be on the biggest comedy show in the world 10 minutes ago. You saw this thug pull his name out of a bucket.

And now he will be performing live. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Holloway, everybody.

Mike Holloway.

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

There are a lot of people who are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports. I disagree. I, myself, am considering identifying as a little person and getting into midget wrestling. I'll call myself Andre the Average. Fuck up seven dwarves at once, just like Disney.

Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is gonna do a live-action Cinderella. Yeah, it's gonna star Elliot Page as Cinderella, who wants to be a prince, and Dylan Mulvaney as the fairy godmother, who waves a tampon like a wand and says,

"'Figgity, faggity, poof.'" And poof, there's Prince Cinderella.

All right.

Hell, yeah. Mike Holloway. Heck yeah, welcome to the show. Mike, is this your first time on?

No, second time.

Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like, uh... Sid. Yeah, from the Toy Story. Actually, I think it was Mark Norman. Yeah, it's all I can see. And then you agreed, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense, I see it.

And how do you not talk about that coming back? You were here before he gave you a joke and you said, fuck it, I'm going with the transgenders. Come on, man, put it together.

Mike Holloway, how long you been doing stand-up?

Uh, a little over five years, like six years.

Okay, where at?

Uh, started in KC.

Okay.

Kansas City. KC. How about JoJo? Did you ever starred in JoJo?

I don't know what that is.

All your life? You prayed for someone like me? You see where I'm getting here? OK. Mike Holloway, what do you do for work?

I just got a new job at Tapville Social.

What?

Tapville Social. It's a new restaurant and bar.

Oh, okay.

Up by the campus and the Moody Center.

Okay.

That's a good plug for them. What's good on their menu? What have they got good over there?

Tower of Nachos.

Oh, yeah. That's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging.

Hey, they got great shit, too. They got steak shit too. They got, uh, they got a Steak Frites. It's very fancy.

Steak Frites? How big is this tower of nachos? Is it true?

It's, uh...

I thought it was a drum kit.

It's about, it's about that high. That's a tower that Red Band wants to 9-11. You know what I'm saying? It was, go head first right into it. Bring down, bring down that tower.

How's your yo-yo?

Yeah.

Terrible.

Can't play yo-yo?

No.

Might wanna think about that.

I can go up and down, that's about it.

I love that it's play yo-yo.

Right now Colt's like, oh man, we don't play yo-yo, you just yo-yo. Is that what it is? I have no idea.

It's been so many decades since I've seen one.

I know.

I was just like, holy shit,

Vernon Fawcett's gonna be here tonight. You got nothing? You don't have a fucking slinky or anything on you?

No, sorry.

Uno cards or anything? He looks like he came from a toy box and he has nothing. They took everything. What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway?

Uh... I don't do much for fun anymore. Wow. Jeez.

Wow.

Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf.

What else?

I like to go fishing. I like to play video games. But I don't have my computer down here.

My goodness.

That's a real bunch of...

I like to do a lot of stuff.

Was that it? Did you just list it all? And then you said a lot of stuff?

Other stuff that didn't come to mind.

Okay, all right. What's your love life like exactly? You seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself. Yes, Holtzman is seeing what I see here. You seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low testosterone for the rest of the day, and you just don't even worry about that type of shit, right?

Pretty much.

Okay, perfect.

He's giving up. He's just like, whatever you guys say, I don't give a shit. Fuck you.

I want to...

He's having a great on his third time.

I want to invite you to the writing...

What are you going to do with him? What are you going to do? I mean, you already have Colton, the yo-yo. I'm gonna do the same thing I'm gonna do with Yo-Yo Boy.

Oh.

Try to get up inside that thing. Oh, I like the way you part your teeth in the middle.

I love it.

I really love it. I like the way that T your teeth in the middle. I love it. I really love it.

I like the way that T-shirt hangs off your shoulders. Can I say, I really just really want to just fuck you? I don't know if that's bad taste. I don't know, but. Checked with Mark Maron. He said I could say that.

He is. You got to check in with him nowadays. It's a real big deal. He's the police. He decides what everyone can talk about. I love it. Mike, give us something else crazy about your life.

There's got to be something. I recently crashed a bird scooter and fucked up my knee. Whoa.

So, yeah.

How did that happen?

On the way to work. I was just, I got, it was kind of a wobbly one. And I got, I was too cocky. And it was going too fast in a narrow, bumpy area. And I lost control.

Let me get this straight.

You've got a credit card?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show?

Big one.

Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Mike. You started off tonight's show. There he goes. Mike Holloway, ladies and gentlemen. Whoo. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Quo. Quo, formerly Open Phone. It's the same great business phone system,

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And if you have existing numbers with another service, Quo will port them over at no extra charge. Quo, no missed calls, no missed customers. This episode is brought to you by prize picks. You want to make decisions every day, but you know, being right with prize picks can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this NFL season, which I am absolutely thrilled about. This game is so fun and simple to play. It is amazing. This week on Prize Picks,

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Ladies and gentlemen, how cool is this? This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises. Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the H-E-B Center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse noise. That was it. And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here

and informed me that, uh, that, uh...

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Maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael. She informed me famously that her that her parents were disappointed in her at the time for for being on such an unchristian like show and so on the spot I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like she told me I matched it and and now, every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me.

The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable, and I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful, the one and only, one of my favorite young comics, and especially human beings. This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, everybody.

I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop. I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history. Have you guys heard of Helen Keller? She's never heard of you! I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase talk to the hand because the face ain't listening. But she probably sounded a little different if she said it.

Talk to the hand,

because the face ain't listening.

I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day, and I'm excited about this possibility, because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life. You know, different couples, they have different greetings. Some like to hug. Some like to kiss.

I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband. It'll look like this.

Ah!

Stop hitting us. Thank you guys so much.

Sarah Sloan everybody Wow, how cool is this? Welcome back Sarah Sloan This is fun because I talk to you every day all the time and now we're talking like this. It's kind of weird

It's so I literally said to you I spend more time with you than anybody else. True. And I love it.

Yeah, we have a lot of fun.

Do you guys want us to leave?

We are absolute polar opposites. She is a very, very, very, very good, well behaved Christian girl, and I'm a naughty boy. And we give each other balance. We live vicariously, slightly, I think, through each other. Sarah, tell these people something about you

that we don't know, I mean, I don't even know.

Yeah.

I would say, like, I would ask you a normal question, but like, I kinda know everything.

Can I tell you a funny story, like, that you, yeah. Well, there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake and then he started just looking at me and he was like I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and wearing you wearing a bikini and he just started dying laughing

that is that is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint. In front of all these people. Tony's an asshole!

He says my pussy's hairy.

We have a lot of fun. Sarah is the best. Brian Holtzman.

I really appreciated your... Your stage presence. It's wonderful. You have a beautiful little figure.

And, uh...

And I especially liked your Helen Keller, because I, to this day, can't understand why she's who she is. I mean, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't go anywhere. I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well-known for being that...

deficient in all areas, I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, nothing, maybe keep the door from shutting, you know? But thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did. Thank you, thank you.

So awesome, the great Brian Holtzman. I just want to say, night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on,

that was actually fucking awesome.

Absolutely.

Oh, thank you. That was the next thing I was getting to. I don't ever get to see you do stand up and the unbelievable growth since the last time. Working beats, you're using your hands, great mic technique, close to the mouth,

everything's good, everything's like rock solid, professional. Sarah, what else is going on? Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever?

I told you, I told you recently, like ever since I've gotten this job, men have been very interested in me. It's like yeah. Hell yeah. It's so insane. I'm just like literally night and day difference. Now I still don't do anything about it. I'm too afraid. Yeah I went on a date with this one guy and then he started just like at the end I was dreading it I was like oh no and then he starts just hugging me and I was like and then he like kisses me on the cheek and I was like he's like what's wrong

baby he was Mexican It shows you they really don't respect boundaries. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, at one point, I literally, at one point, I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please. Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit? I know I'm not. I just feel so bad just like kissing someone that may not be my husband.

Take it! Take it!

Brian, what are you...

Take it!

Holtzman, be nice! I don't care if you do it to the men. That's Sarah. Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Sloan. She's a good Christian. She goes to church every week. You're still Christian?

Are you still Christian?

Doing this devil's work?

Literally, I'm probably more Christian now than before I started the job.

Yeah, it's true. And a little fun fact, if you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing, nothing but my gut instinct. I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time.

And my God, how it's played out is unbelievable. And the parents that originally you said, da, da, da, da, didn't like it, and it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on and they're laughing at crazy stuff and everything. We ended up making, I made friends with the parents.

They came and visited, and fucking now I'm friends with their super cool, awesome parents, too.

They love you so much. Yeah.

Yeah, and he said it.

This is how the devil works, is nobody listening?

Holy shit!

It's happening right here. Like, the ground is just starting to bubble and fucking,

we got another one.

Rawr! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Sarah, unbelievable fucking set. I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything. I love seeing the growth. You're a little star little star we love you one more time for the great Sarah slow ladies and gentlemen Wow wait wait wait Sarah real quick how could I forget one horse noise for these people Yeah! of Colt when you're pulling the yo-yo out of his ass. I love the way he looks like the horse.

Get that bit out of my mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket poll of the night goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, going to J.J. Alexander, everybody.

Go J.J.! Go J.J.!

Go J.J.!

Go J.J.! I just watched the new Superman movie and me and my friend were walking out and he's like, you know what, there's no way anyone would fall for that. Like just using glasses as a disguise, like he just puts a pair of glasses on and everyone thinks he's a totally different person. No one's dumb enough to fall for that. I looked at my friend, I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have

to use my glasses as a disguise every single day. You might be like, oh, this is like a kind of cute nerdy guy. Glasses off. I look like I eat crayons for the flavor. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Glasses on. History teacher with autism.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! with autism. Glasses off, Matt Damon with Down Syndrome. How do you like them apples, you know? Glasses on, kind Chick-fil-A manager. My pleasure. How are you doing tonight, folks? What's going on?

Glasses off, Arby's manager

JJ Alexander has arrived to the kill Tony universe. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, dude. Holy shit

unbelievable Amazing how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, five years. Where at? Colorado Springs, Colorado. And you're just visiting Austin?

No, just moved here, man.

When did you move here?

Uh, April. April. Yeah, dude, moved down with four of my buddies. We slept on two, like, bunk beds side by side for two months.

Fuck yeah.

Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas, try to do this show, man. That's how we do it. I get it. Yeah.

I'm giving out free coff like chocolate milk, man? Just like... I love it. So yeah, I worked at 5 a.m. today.

Wow.

Yeah, dude.

Amazing.

Hell yeah, JJ.

Ian, what do you think?

Not anymore if you can do the impression of a horse.

Oh, I got nothing, dog.

I'm just so changed.

Sorry, you were doing so well there and then bam. Brian, to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house, does he have to wear the glasses

or not the glasses?

He can do whatever he wants.

Oh, no shit.

We don't have to talk about anything at all.

This is the scariest I've ever been in my life.

This is nuts.

Unbelievable, JJ. Tell us more about you.

Yeah, man.

I work at Dutch Bros.

I play. Yeah.

No, I can solve a Rubik's cube.

You can?

I can.

You know what's crazy about that, ladies and gentlemen?

No, please, no.

I swear to God. You're not going to believe this. But just a few weeks ago, my amazing team here at Kill Tony informed me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage, a breathalyzer. We have all the old stuff, your famous scale,

your measuring tape, and now added, ladies and gentlemen, and this is, they told me this, and I go, what the fuck am I ever gonna do with that? That sounds boring as hell but we have arrived at that moment as I present to you for the first time in kill Tony history Heidi bring out the Rubik's Cube oh my goodness Wow oh he's just attacking it right away ladies and

gentlemen glasses on he can solve the Rubik's Cube imagine it glasses off he eats the Rubik's Cube what if he was just lying like he thought no way they're gonna have a Rubik's Cube and he's just like Johnny Bickcock I can do a Rubik's Cube. Tony do you know the science behind it it's like a it's like a math thing like it's a two over down up. Yeah, I don't really get it. I've never understood the Rubik's Cube. I have no desire to whatsoever. I let other people conquer the Rubik's Cube universe

while I do my own thing.

When I was a kid, I found out that you could like actually take off each of the squares and pop them back on.

There you go.

Yeah.

Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen. They've started a timer. He's at 45 seconds right now. This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would.

It's no yo-yo.

Yeah. Turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's Cube.

It's very close, though.

It's very close.

He's getting there.

Uh-oh. They used to also have the Rubik's Triangle and a lot of different... The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban, our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent. I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge. This was our video game back as a kid, in the 80s. That is true. Redban is 51...

Oh my god. 119.

Wow. The crowd goes absolutely wild.

Wow.

I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it when it was solved.

Glasses on, solve the Rubik's Cube. Let's go, baby.

Amazing. I bet you can kiss your assistant.

I'm in love with you. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Brian.

Wow.

JJ, I like this. A lady yelled, do it, glasses off. That's impossible. I can't read without my glasses. What are you talking about?

It's got nothing to do with reading What is one of them they want you to look like them? You know a special kid do all you do

JJ tell us more about you. Oh, yeah. I'm a single guy As you Know yeah, I'm just I'm trying I'm just Austin, Texas looking for love man

You got a lot of you have a lot of good material, like you did?

Yes, sir.

Yeah. How much, what's the longest set you think you could do?

I've done 45 minutes.

OK.

It was not great.

Sure.

Five years in, we were off the table.

But I got 30 rock solid, so.

Right, rock solid. OK. And it seems like your life completely revolves around stand-up. You're doing a lot of stuff.

A little bit. It's a grind, for sure.

You're working hard at it?

Yes, sir, every day. I'm just out, just trying to get better. That's all I can do.

Holtzman's doing some type of... What exactly would you call that? Use the microphone, then.

Hi, honey, I'm home. I need a mom. And it's been a hard day.

Oh my god. Red band? What the fuck is going on over there?

Dude, Brian's just gonna pull through my line. This is gonna be terrifying, dude.

Oh, yeah. This guy's gonna come with an unsolved Rubik's Cube.

That'll be dope. Wow.

Yeah, what's wild about Dutch Bros is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button. So if you come through and, like, you look like you're crying,

we give free coffees away. You're so overly nice there. Is there a protocol that you have to do?

Like, oh, you have to wink at them?

Oh, no, no. You just try to treat everyone with kindness is their whole thing. It's like you change lives one cup at a time.

So not Texas.

Dutch Bros, sponsor me.

Let's go.

I need to quit.

Let's go.

I think they might want to sponsor you, JJ Alexander, because my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket.

You just won here on Kill Tony. Congratulations, my friend. That's the real deal.

We want to see more material from you.

And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you want.

Hey, hi.

There you go, he'll do the Secret Show Red Band.

Thank you, Tony, Thank you. Oh. Woo! Yeah!

How do you feel, JJ?

Are those real tears?

You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony. Let's go.

Austin, Texas, let's rock, baby!

Let's go.

JJ Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Woo!

Woo!

Congrats, buddy. Holtzman, let him go. Let him go, Holtzman. All that talk, he was like, all that talk, I work at Dutch Brothers, we're kind, we try to change people's lives,

guaranteed he's gonna be a complete dick tomorrow. Oh, yeah. Because he is just, he's not gonna be working there much longer.

He's just like, you want a what? Fuck you. He is just he's gonna he's not gonna be working there much longer. He's just like you want to what fuck you suck my suck my Special needs cock takes off the glasses You know throws a Rubik's Cube at a child all that kind of shit Exactly his whole attitude may change. That's how egos are born. How does that feel for you? How did that feel for you just changing that kid's life? It's awesome

you know when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on standup, when he said the bunk beds thing, you know, that means that this is his life and that's exactly what he came here to do. Big move from Colorado, he's focused and we need people. Everyone in fucking, everyone here is blowing up so fast.

Their fucking SNL is poaching us now. These guys are getting offers to fucking be the next fucking late night this and everything that. We're building monsters and he could be... God only knows what can happen here.

He could be on Suicide Watch in a few weeks too.

It depends on if he goes to one of your writing sessions. We having fucking fun out there huh? Let's keep it moving along anything can happen your next bucket pull goes by the name of Fern everybody Fern everyone. My cousin has Down syndrome.

Don't feel bad for him though. He got laid so much he caught gonorrhea. So we called him Slow Clap. I like to treat pregnant women like dogs. Because I'm a rub your belly. Yes, I am.

Laughter. Laughter.

Laughter. I got two cats. One cat's name is Abyss, because if you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss will stare back into you. The other cat's name is Meowschwitz. The ironic part is Meowschwz doesn't like showers either. I'll wrap it up there.

Very funny, Fern. Thanks, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

Howdy. Hell yeah.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About four years.

Four years, and this is your first time on the show?

Second.

Okay, where are you from?

Originally Paris, Texas, but I also moved from Denver, okay

How long ago was your last time on the show?

November of 23 it was my birthday. All right. Very cool. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a downtown high-rise window washer. Whoa Really? That's you up there. Yes, sir. Holy shit. Damn right. You do the frost tower. I

Know Yes, sir. Holy shit. Goddamn right. You do the Frost Tower? Uh, I... no. You have different ones. Yes, sir. Okay.

You do that every day?

Uh, five days a week, yes, sir.

Holy shit. Tell us about that.

We've never had anyone that does that on this show.

Can you explain to us? It is a blast.

Are you being sarcastic? No, like, it is a legitimately fun. Hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right, you know? Yeah. Scaring the shit out of cats. Yeah.

So, you know...

Yeah.

Honestly.

Tell us more, like, what's something that you've rolled, I would say, up on, but I guess you're going down, right? Yes, sir. You're rolling down, because it is kind of a crazy thing, right? You know, in these condos or whatever downtown all of a sudden there's just somebody you don't ever fucking expect and there's somebody coming from fucking above.

Yeah, no, I scare people every day because they're like, what the fuck? And it's a lot

of fun.

Right. What's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place?

Nothing yet. Just a bunch of cats scared. My coworkers have seen wild shit, but I've only been doing it for four months.

No tits in four months?

No, sir, unfortunately.

You could see cats and tits if you roll by Red Band when he's naked in his condo.

No, sir.

Have your homies told you something that they have seen that's insane?

A lot of naked women, yeah.

Oh, that's it?

Yep, yeah, just pretty much it. People are standard, high-rise. They're chillin' like Red Band.

All right.

Is your cousin really special needs?

Yes, he does have Down syndrome.

I don't know if he got over the claps.

I don't know.

Really? So he just made up a story about a slow guy getting a bunch of pussy?

Yeah. In fact my mom told me he had Down syndrome after the fact. I was like oh shit oh well.

After the fact of what? Me writing the joke. Oh wow. You didn't know that he had Down syndrome? Talked to my family that much. Wow. You've never seen him?

Like you couldn't tell by looking at him? Like the kid that... Neck, head, same size?

I don't even know which cousin he is.

Have you ever seen a special needs kid before? They stand out, motherfucker.

Holtzman wants to know what he's doing Wednesday at midnight.

Is there a probational period in that occupation?

I think it was like a 90-day probation, yeah.

It's a good union, too, isn't it?

Uh, that one's a non-union. You were in a non-union?

Yes, sir.

I was a union ironworker for five years, but I switched to high-res window washing so I could get off the building, go to an open mic, and crush on Kiltony again.

Amazing. Unbelievable. And you did. Um... Have you never been scared of heights your whole life? Like, do you have, like, tall parents that held you or something?

I'm the guy who fell out of the two-story window when I was 15 months old. So, no, I haven't. I've always loved the views, and I've always taken a jump.

How did that happen?

It was hot as shit in Texas. I'm originally from Paris, Texas and we were in Nacogdoches apparently. The window was up letting the breeze in, the screen was cracked, so when I got up on the couch I looked over and I just kept going in to the abyss. It was a lot of fun apparently.

Well you know my name.

Yeah, Barry Eric Clapton-esque without a doubt. Same joke you made last time. Well yeah, it's the same I mean if you if you yeah What's the longest set you've ever done ten minutes I think Wow All right, and four years in only ten minutes. Yeah, I don't get a lot of spots Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that or? When I was an hour worker that was working 68 hours

or 58 hours in Waco, so I was driving, waking up at 5 a.m., not even getting back to Austin till 7 p.m. and I was still trying to hit mics. So running a show is just trying to get comics

and everything else, it's kind of hard. Now.

Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. That's true. No. Uh, Fern, Red Band, what do you think?

You had a really great set, you remember? Yeah.

Uh. Uh.

Wow.

What?

I mean, I've seen some of the lineups you put on on Thursdays.

Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full,

but I have an eight minute spot open if you want to do it.

Let's fucking go.

Perfect, there you go, Fern. Yeah. Fern. I mean, it was a great set. Maybe it's too distant. Maybe you forgot. Fern. Just Fern. Why do you go by Fern?

It's my last name.

What's your first name?

Jason.

Why do you go just by Fern?

How many Jasons have you met versus how many Ferns have you met?

There's one right there.

Yeah.

My full name is...

Wow.

Is it really?

Yeah.

Oh, Fernando.

My full name is Jason Alexander Fern. You just had a Jason Alexander on.

That is pretty crazy. And J. Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school. An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it. Have you heard of J. Alexander's?

I have not, sir.

Well, now you know.

Yes, sir.

All right. What size joke book did you get last time you were on?

Big joke book.

Well, there you go. J.J. Alexander, ladies and gentlemen.

Fern.

I'm sorry, Fern.

Thank you.

Skipped around. One more time for Fern, everybody. All right. How exciting. We go on and on. Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yo-yo and the Rubik's Cube, replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one.

I've never given out two in an episode, but anything can happen. And now I present to you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history. This is Stephen Forrest Gump Poissiere, ladies and gentlemen.

♪♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Forrest Gump was bullied so much and so long. He ran so far and so fast that the bullets could not keep up with Fos Gump. Fos, when are you going to stop running, Fos? When, Fos, when? That night in Jenny's dormitory, I fucked the shit out of Jenny. I was like, say my name, say my name.

She's like, yo, Foss Gump. People call you Foss Gump, Gump, Gumpity Gump Gump. Oh yeah. You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows. Foss Gump used to work for the Bayou La Batre Police Department and they said, Gun Fosk, gun! I took off running. I got fired. Anyways, life is like a box of cat shit

made up to look like chocolates with a couple of chocolates mixed in I hate cash

All right, Steven Forrest Gump

Pociere am I saying that correctly or is it dossier? Dossier? Dossier? Fuck yeah, so Steven

Your real name is Steven Gump Dossier? No, I was I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there Steven Forrest Gump Docher because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump.

Everyone has. And I wanted you to pull me today. Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump. So Steven let me ask you how long you been doing stand-up? Last time I did

stand-up was 1986. Wow. For you Millennials there, that's 32 years. For all of you that can do the math, it's nail on the mat there.

It's literally 39 years.

Yes, that's right, Tony.

That's absolutely correct.

I like your style. I think you're funnier when you're not doing the wacky forest impression. I can just tell.

Yeah, I had a regular minute for you

and I've got some stuff I really like.

You know what I wanna do right now, Ian? Is there something you wanna say?

Oh no, I was just shocked that he had some stuff that he liked that he didn't bring.

Yeah.

Here's your chance to shine.

Maybe I'll use that later.

I got a lot of- The forest thing was adorable and it was sweet, but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna, your real name's Steven Dozier? Yeah. I'm just gonna reset it. Okay, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Steven Dozier, ladies and gentlemen.

One more time for Steven. Restart the clock.

So I've got selective Tourette's syndrome, which basically means I'm just another fucking asshole. But speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a colonoscopy the other day. And as I was going under the anesthesia, that's the gas that can kill you,

not that hot Russian chick, which frankly, I would have preferred. Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey, if you could interview my asshole right now. And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got a microphone. Great, my asshole was getting ready to say

something important, profound, probably poetic. And this guy is gonna be a fucking comedian. Thanks a lot, Tony, thanks a lot. Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now, this is probably what my asshole

would say.

Okay I know everybody thinks I'm just another fucking asshole but the truth is is I've got hopes dreams and feelings like the rest of you. So let's get this shit over with.

All right, Steven Dozier. So let's talk about your actual life, Steven. I have 437 questions going on in my head. What made you want to restart stand-up here tonight?

Well, I retired, Tony.

What did you retire from?

I was a financial advisor. Oh, hell yeah.

No fucking way.

I was making too much fucking money.

I love it.

So I decided to quit.

Are you serious?

Yeah, they paid me to quit.

Okay.

They paid me to quit, but it's a great job. I loved them. And so I retired. And, but yeah, I was thinking about doing comedy. And then I started watching Kill Tony and then I started writing comedy.

It's all your fault. I mean, I have literally got two full books of stuff. I'm in up there harassing all the other people up there telling them my bits just to see if they like it. I wrote a bet this morning. You what this morning? I wrote a bet this morning. I'm laughing my ass off in the garage.

My cats think I'm nuts.

How many cats do you have?

I've got two cats in the garage. I'm glad you brought that up. I've got two cats in the garage that jump through hoops, walk tight ropes, jump platforms. They are amazing. Wow. They are trained. Did you train them? I'll show you strippers, but strippers are harder to,

anyways, but no, two cats, I trained them. It was all accident.

Boltzmann, come on, Brian.

I don't wanna hear about fucking cats.

You're always talking about pushing.

What do you mean? Didn't you, I thought you talked to Mark Maron about this. Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act? Is your...

You remind me of the guy on the airplane who needs extra help getting on.

My fucking God.

Look at you. You're a nightmare. Look at this. And you're a thief. A financial advisor. You're a thief! You're a fucking thief! Let me manage your money and take... How much percent do you take? How much fucking percent do you take?

How did you get rich? On other people's fucking money. I'm sorry, Tony. Oh, let me manage your money. I can manage my own fucking money.

Look, don't sugar coat this, okay?

Look at this, this is the world's wackiest nursing home over here.

I expect it, I expect it from him.

I expect it from him.

It's okay.

Same thing as a realtor. This is the bedroom, this is the backyard, that'll be fucking $10,000. I know where the backyard is, I know what a backyard is I know where a bathroom is sell it yourself sell your fucking house yourself

Steven were you ever married or anything oh yeah I was married for about nine years lost my wife well years ago where'd you lose her at

I see she passed she passed away okay party time How long ago was that 15 15 years 15 years ago? Okay? That must have been hard, huh?

Bobby took her last life, okay, hold

You guys are gonna be arguing later when you're playing gin rummy with each other or whatever the hell When you guys are playing when you guys are playing chess at the park against each other.

Your cost just went up.

I love it. How did she die, Steven?

She committed suicide.

She really did? Oh my god.

It's OK. It's OK.

Sorry to hear that.

It's OK.

It happens. You know, things happen.

Oh my god.

That must have been so hard

Steven's having fun. We're having fun. That's okay. That's okay. It's okay. You know life has been good since then. Yeah That's been helpful hell yeah, that's it That's all it takes comedy Comedy, comedy has helped.

That's right, absolutely.

A lot.

I like your stuff.

A whole lot. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, a lot.

Where do you live now, Steven?

I'm in Conroe, Willis area, north of Houston.

Okay, perfect.

I know I'm not the... I don't look like I come from Houston.

Mm-hmm.

What? I missed that one. How old are you, Steven?

I'll be 64 in May.

Wow.

That's it?

Yeah, I look good. I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

I haven't been out in the sun a lot.

Okay. You look a little bit older than you are. Maybe it's the cane or something like that.

Thank you. I thought you were going to cut me some slag, give me some younger-ness here.

It's like I'm 35 years old, Tony.

You don't like it when people lie.

Holtzman, how old are you?

I'm 35.

Maybe I should I'm 35. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Maybe I should have said 35. No, you're good, Steven. What else, other than training your cats

and goofing around?

So, you know, I had my book with me and I had 15 top 15 things to tell you. I built a clock, I built a marble clock. It took me six years.

I just built it.

His wife probably...

No, Holtzman!

Stop! He makes...

Talking about cats and all sorts of, you know...

He makes very dark jokes, Stephen. I know, I'll watch this guy.

I love it, I love it. Well, you're in the eye of the storm right now.

Oh, we're good, we're good. How do you make a marble clock? You like chip away at it? No I just I just no I cut it up with the saw of course but I started it's like a big chess piece and then I'm like you know I've come this far might as well go a little further and then I built the little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it and it's it's

really amazing. You guys seem bored I'm so intrigued by this guy the panel is literally just gasping and fucking. I'm I'm I'm I've never met an Amish person before.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I do like, I do like the cut.

Yeah, well, I made my own clock.

It is, it is very Amish.

What the fuck?

Your facial hair and your hobbies.

Yo, yo, it looks good.

It is unbelievable. We have an eclect collective group here. I'm not mad at you. I'm gonna check in with our chief correspondent. Nobody wants to hear old people talk!

Next you're gonna tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

Wow, that's a fucking bumper sticker. Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. BrianHoltzman.com. Does his own show every Thursday at 10 p.m. here in the Fat Man Holtzman and Friends. It's unbelievable.

IanBag.com, he's on tour. High Speed Boys podcast. One more question for ya. I know this interview's going too long, but I just find you to be intriguing as hell, you know? You're 60-something, you look 80-something,

you lived a whole life. I find it all so intriguing. You ever have kids?

No, no kids. No kids.

We were gonna have kids, but we...

What's your secret to not having kids?

Ah.

Hold still. I pull out. I pull out very quickly. for a cool out very good. I Love it and give me one more crazy fun fact about your life. Oh, oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, here we go the top the top. Well, I already told you the top two things. Well, there's a third thing

Wait, what do you what is it Steven? Oh, oh, uh oh.

Wait, what is it, Steven?

What are you doing?

Whoa, you play the drums, Steven? You really do? You play the drums?

Really? Yeah! Yeah!

Are you serious? Should we have a Mexican drum off here?

Oh, my God. It's been a long time. Oh!

The hat goes backwards.

Michael Gonzalez. It's kind of tough to get back there, Stephen. It's a tight squeeze, but there you go. Come on in there, Stephen. The first ever Mexican drum-off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall.

This is Kill Tony history right now. Now, some of you might be new to the show. I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here. So if you don't know,

a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show. It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket knows how to play the drums, gets to do a drum solo, here live, completely improvised, on the spot. They had no idea what the drum set would wait.

Steven, relax. Steven, relax. You're like one of your fucking cats in the garage right now. Chill out over there. So here's how it works. He does a drum solo, and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo.

The crowd decides who their favorite was. If Steven wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think is about all time 67 and 0 against the bucket pool drummer. But if he happens to win,

he will become the brand new resident drummer on Kill Tony. Michael Gonzalez will have to, they have to switch lives. So Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops. And Steven will be here every Monday

while Michael cat sits for him. You don't know if cats, what? Right, I agree. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum-off, and this is Steven Dozier. ♪♪ Wow! Wow! Steven Docher! I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion, or I'm sure you don't have an

angle at it, but this motherfucker was just working the double bass pedals back here. The musicians got very excited. I happened to notice it as well. Steven's putting up quite the fucking fight here. He might actually be 25 just dressed up with prosthetics. Fucking brought out the cane,

trying to play dumb over here. Someone's playing possum. He's trying to get a full-time job on this show. The bad news is, Steven, stay there. Steven, stay there for right now while Michael plays so that the camera can get him.

Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated resident drummer, this is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Holy shit.

A true battle of the titans, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well, this is the part where you decide how many of you have Steven Dozier winning that competition?

Oh, shit.

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Yeah, no doubt about it. They'll still argue online, I'm sure. But 100%, you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Steven?

He's warmed up.

He's warmed up. Oh, shit! This motherfucker! Oh, my God! I like your style, Steven. I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and fucking playing around

Ian can I suggest for your stand-up that maybe it's behind a drum kit? It's been that way before you should do it that way I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther

Yes, you are

How often do you come down here how How many times have you signed up, Steven?

It's my first time. First time ever signing up. I came down today. I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today.

You were there at noon? Look at you, you badass motherfucker.

My brother is, he built a nice house up in Georgetown, and I called him yesterday, I said, hey, I'm coming up to go on Kill Tony, I'm gonna come by and see you. And he's like, you're not, because I'm in Alaska. I said, okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon.

Well, there you go. Well, look at that, all that energy and manifesting, it got you here.

It's all your fault. I have literally written two books of material because of you. I love it. I love it. I started watching Kill Tony. I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired. Yeah. But I started watching Kill Tony like in March. And then I started writing in May.

And I've literally written two books. I wrote something this morning I like a lot.

Okay, let's hear what you wrote this morning.

Well, you know how women have that little ring in their nose? Well, back in my day we would do that with the hogs on the farm We put the ring in the nose on the hog so they wouldn't root out under the fence

I guess a couple of these bitches got out

Hey, son of a bitch Steven I'll tell you what why don't you come back in a few weeks or something and play drums on the pre-show. Play a song or two with the boys over here.

I almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about

how don't come up here unprepared. You almost brought a whole fucking drum kit? I've got three drum kits.

I've got one I'm trying to give away.

Wow, look at this guy.

I've got to drum kits. I got one I'm trying to give away. Wow, look at this guy. I gotta stop buying stuff.

Ian?

Sounds like the wife was insured.

Oh my God. Oh my God. These dead wife jokes are coming in hot, Steven. I love that you're laughing at them. You have a great fucking sense of humor. You're a hell of a fucking sport.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much. And here, Stephen, here's the big joke book, buddy. I know you got your hands full, you ready for it? Oh, damn it, son of a bitch. One more time, how loud can this place get for Stephen Docher, everybody?

You fucking did it, buddy, have a great night. There he goes, how exciting. Long interview. Long one. You deserve it, Steven. There he goes. All right. We're gonna keep it.

You guys still having fun out there?

Yeah.

I thought so. Your next bucket pull, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone. It's Tommy Tickles. Uh-oh, we know Tommy. He's back. Make some noise for Tommy Tickles, everyone.

Y'all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist. I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats. Especially not my dickhead neighbors. I'm not a very good negotiator. When I first met the future Mrs. Tickles, I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning.

I like to have sex before I go to bed at night. And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like, how about a blowjob on your birthday?

Okay.

Fourteen blowjobs later and I'm still married. Yeah.

Yeah.

I always pay my bills, maybe not on time. I've never re-nigged on a bet. I did get fucked by a black guy twice. Down at the dog track. I always pay my debts, I'm not a renegger.

If anybody would have called me a renegger, I would be pissed.

What the fuck did you just say?

He said, he said.

Hold on, chill, we're gonna go. Oh, whoa, what the fuck? The little things. Carlos Sosa on that sax with the bum, ba-dum, bum. God has the funniest timing in the world. D-Madness coming back from a pee break

after an old white man says the N-word a couple times. What did you say?

If you don't pay your bets, then you renege on your bets. Right. And I always pay my bets. Okay.

And if anybody were to- Alright, don't repeat it again. I get it, it actually checks out. Technically that makes sense.

That's a loophole if I bear to say.

That is a loophole. That is a loophole. Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole.

Even if- Even if you call me a real nigga.

They're calling it John Dees.

I would know what you meant. I'd be pissed.

The blacks have ruled it allowed. After review of the play, the call on the field has been overturned. Tommy Tickles is safe.

Pay my bills.

Wow.

My goodness. I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up. I used to think it was a racial slur,

but somebody told me, that's not how you spell it. I'm just a... I'm just a... I'm just a... I'm just a... I'm just a...

I'm just a...

I'm just a... I'm just a... I'm just a... old man night here at the comedy mothership back-to-back the world's wackiest fucking nursing home I don't know if you guys remember the movie cocoon but this is what's happening here tonight yeah I know that's a reference you would make Tommy how old are you? I'm 51. 51? It's the same age as Red Band.

Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old?

Alright, alright.

You look fantastic, bud. Don't let them put you down.

No.

Why do you look so old? How many of your wives have killed themselves?

All of them.

I've been married 14 years. Happily married.

Amazing. Amazing. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, Tommy Tickles?

All right. I got a few things. Okay. Wow. He was ready. There's, you know, you've got your cookie, which is easy, but you know, if you're gonna prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever.

And you know, don't have anything funny on TV. Hell yeah. Cats, you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside or whatever. Okay. I have a position for you. Like when you're going down on a lady, on a lady.

Yeah, guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music. Here we go. Keep going.

Tommy, make sure you talk right into the tip of the... You normally have the butt cheeks in this hand. You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek so that you can play around. Right here. That's my little secret. You can call it the Tommy Tickle.

Holtzman's writing it down. Hand switch to the other butt cheek.

Just like that. You got the butt cheek right there and then you got this right here. It's the crossover. Crossover. Wow!

Tommy Tickle. Take that home. The cunnilingus crossover written by Tommy tickles, and I like to keep things

Nice, and we so we started using organic lubricant

And my favorite if you want to know uh-. Yeah, we do. Olive oil? That's what I was gonna say.

What the fuck?

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life. This is a dry, this guy goes dry jerky, dry rub.

Sandpaper.

What's your favorite kind of lube, Tommy Tickles?

Tommy Tickles 2025 on Instagram, and I'll show you what my favorite, I will show you the product, it's called VWU Coconut Oil,

and it's distributed right here in Austin.

Wow.

Holy shh.

There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made product, no matter what, someone just lost their mind back there yeah he's already sponsored I think so Tommy tickled coconut go with the other

hand that's where yeah sometimes I go this way sometimes I go that way Hmm. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Uh, eh, oh, yeah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

You're gonna need some help.

Hm. Ha. Ha.

Ha.

Tommy Tickles, you've been on this show before. You got a big joke book before. That's correct. There you go. Then you already got it. There he goes. Tommy Tickles, onto the next one we go. Onto the next one, onto the next one.

It's the great Jay-Z that once said the words, onto the next one. And so we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull is Jermiah Bishop, Jermiah. Ooh, the kiltony debut of Jermiah Bishop,

ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, guys?

So I just celebrated four months of sobriety.

Woo!

The proper response is to bow. I'm better than you. No, but I had to get sober. I loved cocaine way too much. Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do?

Because how's it going to start, me and you, sir? We're going to get a bag. We go to the bathroom. We pray nobody finds us. How does it end? 6 o'clock in the morning.

We're going to talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations, how we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin. We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point. It would be way less gay.

All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Jermiah Bishop. Hell yeah, Jermiah. Grab that microphone.

That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever heard.

Yeah.

Hi, my name's this. I like to suck cock and open graphics.

Jermiah, let the games begin, my friend. How old are you?

34.

34. Wow. Just take note. He's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there. It's unbelievable. OK, how long you been sober?

Off cocaine for four months.

OK. How did you do it? How did you go no cocaine?

Trying to quit hanging out on 6th Street drinking so much, honestly.

All right.

And that's what did it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a horrible. How low did it get? How bad was it at one point? Um before I moved out here I was like uh homeless. I used to uh... Where were you at then? Florida. Oh yeah what part of Florida? Polk County baby. Okay there it is. Represent. This is what they look like there. Gross Malone.

Smelly Roll.

I like Jelly Roll in the pipe.

All right.

Uh, Jermiah, what do you do for work? Uh... Exactly are you a barback? Ha!

I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's. Boom. But I work in

customer relations for a telecommunications company. Okay, so you are on the phone headset? Absolutely. Okay, how long you been doing that for? About four years. All right. Very good. And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly?

I got my first one at 19.

Which one was that?

That'd be the anchor.

What made you get an anchor on your face at 19?

Mike Ness from Social Distortion is pretty cool.

Okay.

Do you play music or something?

Fuck no. This is all I can do.

And you just decided, I'm gonna start, what's the red ink under the left eye?

Uh, broken with a broken heart for the O.

Wow, and what made you get that one? Exactly what did you do the night before you decided to get that one? What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors exactly? Where you go, ah, you know what?

I'm just gonna permanently just let everyone fucking know.

Cocaine.

Right.

Yeah.

Unbelievable.

Yeah, go ahead.

Still got jewelry though. I don't know how bad the cocaine habit was.

I don't know how real the jewelry is. The tattoos are real. That jewelry is straight up fucking quarter grab machine

shit, right?

Oh, no, this is legitimate, but I didn't buy it. It was passed down to me.

OK.

That's the first shit you sell when you're doing cocaine.

Yeah.

I hate it, grandma.

Let's fucking burn this shit.

I thought it was fake for sure. I didn't even think those were tattoos. I just thought it was the jewelry bleeding green shit all over his body.

Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What do you do for fun?

Uh...

Now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights.

I mean, hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Wow.

All right.

In four months, I'm outdoorsy now.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Well, I used to be homeless, so you know, it's just like reliving the past.

Tell us about your life as a homeless person. Tell us about your tricks to survival, or some crazy lows, or some things that you saw or had to do. your tricks to survival or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do?

Um, well, I always did the, uh, homosexual thing, you know?

Nope, we don't know. What does that mean?

It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay.

Okay, tell us about that.

Well, see, I always fucked up because I would never get, like, a girl that had her own stuff going on. It was always some gal that had a couple sugar daddies. I called it trickle-down dickonomics.

Not real.

That wasn't real.

Doesn't sound real.

No, it doesn't real. I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents.

Did you have rich parents? I do get a rich parents vibe from you. Like you were the renegade. You wanted a, like, no, fuck you, Mom and Dad. I want to show you. And then they're like, well, you're not.

No, no, my parents were okay.

Not super well off. I mean... We only had three bathrooms.

Yeah.

Did they have three bathrooms? No, no, no.

Two bathrooms.

Yeah, yeah.

Outdoor shower?

No. Brian Holtzman. I, quite frankly, I have, uh... I have nothing to say to you. I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this... with this it. I mean, the tattoos are okay, but, I mean, uh, the metal products, I mean,

why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums? I mean, this is, this is, this is, this is fucked up. I'd rather have a Helen Keller look-alike up here.

So for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps he does have the big gauge earrings, and you have a piercing. What do you call that part of the human body?

That'd be your philtrum.

Your philtrum. Yes, sir. All right, and what made you decide to get that pierced, just above the upper lip?

Social distortion.

Yeah. Fucking catch a little bit of the cocaine, you know? All right, but seriously, no, I don't know just thought it looked good. Oh Okay, you have other crazy shit pierced or tattooed. You might love this one Tony. I know it's your dick I have my dick tattooed. Uh-huh With Shawn Michaels logo. Wow

That is incredible. Prince Albert or no No, no, just tattooed.

Tattooed.

It's a tattoo.

I know, me too.

Like the hearts one?

Yeah, broken heart says HBK above it.

It says HBK. Now, did you think that you'd find your dream girl or something? There's a guy that really wants to see it out there. If it's... I'd imagine... It's online where online where can people find this at you can find a guy that's a winner like it show us that hog no no no go You know go back to normal lighting Keena

Yeah, you can find it on Twitter daddy dick wolf on Twitter But it's out there daddy dick wolf everybody for those of you for that guy For those of you that are interested in seeing it you can find it there. Here's a

Anything else for what's your worst decision in life

that's a great wait a second what the fuck is this you holy fuck we found it wait a second hold on a second what exactly are you doing here what what are you doing? Wait a second. Hold on. Spin it back around.

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

I got to make money somehow, Tony.

You make money from jerking off?

Yeah, yeah.

I like him now!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Jesus Christ almighty! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Jesus Christ almighty.

Oh my God.

How could you not mention this on a fucking interview? It's been eight minutes and now you find out that you stroke a cock for a living. Telecommunications with a headset. Yeah, fucking right you creep. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually for money?

For money?

I mean, like, this way. I know when you were homeless, you probably buttfucked a fucking trucker or something.

No, for money, just shot content. Nothing crazy.

Some water sports.

The question would be, when you say shot content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done? You told us your Twitter handle like we were going to see your dick maybe and it turns out you're doing everything We just saw you pissing Stroking it double stroke two hand up and down the old toilet plunge fucking motion And how do you not talk about that during your fucking that's that that's what I'm saying. It's incredible

I used to do cocaine. No fuck you couldn't watch me Jack

That's what you should be talking about I don't have anything that's a minute about that I got I got a couple of sets

I got 12 minutes

My friend Since you did 46 seconds, and it was okay. Here's a little joke. Oh, no! Right off his dick into the front row! Yeah. That book just caught chlamydia. There he goes. Jermiah Bishop, everybody.

Holy cow!

Holy cow is right.

Huh?

Brian, you ever do that kind of shit?

Yeah, I did it, but I was in England at the time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Hell's bells. ♪♪

Ha ha!

Hello, hello. So just a little bit about me. I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation much more awkward. For example, when I went back to school, I went to school with this guy named Alex. Alex came back from summer break as Alexa. So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this

new transition. Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with this. Alexa, bless her heart, was really trying to make the situation a little bit more light-hearted. She leans in to the table for the rest of us and says in her high-pitched voice, you know I'd really like to just ask him, can I have a cup of water please? The rest of the table just lapped tails off. What do I say? You don't have the balls!

Leave it to me. Awkward situation.

Hell's bells, everybody. Hell's bells. Welcome, hell's bells.

Did you see the cock on the last guy?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I heard.

Hell's bells, how long you been doing stand up?

Right now.

This is your first time.

Very good. Yes sir.

There you go, that makes sense. There you go, that makes sense. Ha ha ha ha. So, how old, can I ask you how old you are Hells Bells?

51.

51, okay, very good. Actually one of the youngest people on the show tonight. Uh, what, uh, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? What made you want to start stand up here tonight?

Well, um, I'm dating a young man.

How young?

He is 10 years younger than me.

Ooh, look at you.

Yes.

Does he have face tattoos?

Found yourself a little bucket. Yeah. Soccer game. Oh, he's Latino. He's he is Latino. He is Latino

found yourself a little fucking

Yeah, you wouldn't know it. He looks like a redhead like me. Sure. Yeah, I bet we would never know he's Latino. Yeah

No way the world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him

totally hell's bells So Yeah, totally. Totally. Hells bells. So, you have money. How do you have money? I know you have money because you're dating a 41 year old Latino boy that's fucking the shit out of you. For exactly that reason. So how did you come across this newfound wealth? Wow. I'm a nurse.

I work for my money. I don't actually have money. I work my tail end off.

Okay, well, looks like you still have a lot of tail there. I don't think you've worked it off just yet. Um. What kind of nurse are you?

I'm a registered nurse.

Okay. Hell yeah. I love it. Is that because of nurse are you? I'm a registered nurse. Okay.

Hell yeah.

I love it. Is that because of the younger guys?

Like a sex-offended registered nurse?

Yeah.

Just a good kinsenier as an introduce herself to the... She's not supposed to be that close to the soccer field. So tell us more about your life. What else has been going on?

Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio.

Oh, what part are you from?

Um, Newton Falls.

Okay, yeah.

Braceville, actually. Okay. All fours, Newton Falls. So, Niles, all that area. Yep, I know it all.

Very well. How long were you, uh? Where do you live now Fredericksburg? Whoo, okay, all right, and what type of life are you living out there?

What are you?

What does that look like you live by yourself um yes with my son? He's 20, okay?

I work from home. I do a lot of community things.

You're an at-home registered nurse.

I paid my dues, trust me. I worked the shifts, I've done all that stuff. I now am an advocate and I have 28 patients.

Wow, amazing, incredible, okay.

What do they come to your house?

What are you talking about?

I call them, it's all telemedicine. What is it telemedicine?

So you're lazy you want to work from home?

Hence the big ass

No, I'm very impressed with your figure. I like women that are just natural Fuck working out fuck exercising fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake, perhaps.

Oh my God.

Never missed a meal in her whole fucking life! Okay. Are you gonna finish that piece of steak?

Alright, alright, alright.

I mean a nurse, I mean, come on

Okay

Do you use like a filter when you're talking to your patients? Do you use like a catfish like filters so that they? Can't tell if you're laughing or crying. I really hope you're laughing right now. I am definitely laughing. Perfect, great, awesome.

I gotta be honest with you, it's the first time doing standup

and she decides to do it here.

Yeah.

That's fucking amazing.

It really is.

That's stupid.

It really is.

You're out of control. You don't plan things well.

Yeah.

We actually hate that. And I'm not crying. Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all. Well, Hells Bells, congratulations. You got your start. Here's a little joke book. You gonna catch it? It's coming at ya. I'm gonna get it right in that hand.

Oh, you panicked, Hells Bells.

That's why she likes soccer players.

Yeah, exactly.

At least I didn't panic earlier. I should have kicked it to you. And I want to say thank you for your service.

Medical professionals, you know.

Thank you.

One more time for Hell's Bells, everybody.

All right.

We're keeping it moving along here. This young man has been on the show multiple times. Always funny. Let's see what the new minute looks like from J.P. Hinsdale, everybody. ♪ Make some noise for J.P., everyone.

♪

How's everybody else's bipolar manic depression going?

Whoo!

Fuck yeah, let's do this shit. See a lot of couples in the audience. So what's up? I'm single. Shut the fuck up. I'll jump. Okay?

I warned you. Okay. I warned you. No, man, it's... if you are with somebody, stay. Like, stay where you are. I'm out here in the wilderness. There's nothing out here for you. It's just darkness on the edge of town.

I was out with a girl recently, and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight. I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I don't have health insurance. It's not okay, Cupid. Oh, this is my time. Thank you.

Hell yeah.

One more time for Hell's Bells with a beard. I'm kidding. JP Hinsdale is back. Funny stuff. What did you start with? Bipolar, what'd you say? Bipolar manic depression. Is that you got that? Yes Funny stuff. What did you start with? Bipolar, what'd you say?

Bipolar manic depression.

You got that?

Yes.

Wow, look at you. That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem, JP.

It's not even in the top 10, but let's go with it.

I love it. One could say you're a bipolar bear.

Yeah.

I bring the beef. How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows? You're not hiking or walking or anything. No. What is it exactly? I was swimming but the sea betrayed me, Tony. Yes, it did. They kept you in a tank at SeaWorld. Yeah. Your dorsal fin went soft. The kids stopped coming to see me.

I couldn't splash anyone.

Right.

It made me very sad.

This is white fish.

Yeah, I got a clog in my blowhole. It was...

You literally do like, you do look like you haven't taken a shit in a year.

You look like you just... Little do you know that's mostly what I do.

I bet. What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet? How do you kill the time?

I'm just wondering when I'm going to have my Elvis moment.

Like fame?

Yeah.

You're talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich?

Sure. Marrying a 15 year old?

Let's check in with our senior obese handler correspondent Brian Holtzman.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here, your gym burnt down, didn't it?

Close, it gave me an infection.

Jesus.

Wow.

What do you mean?

That's why I told you this, he betrayed me, Tony. It was actually the pool at an LA fitness.

Keep going.

Yeah. It got, like, really infected. I guess I had a cut or something, because they didn't clean the pool right. And then I, like, I got really, I got sick in a weird way.

Can you explain to us the weird way that you got sick?

I got crazy delusional. Like, I had a show that night. And, like, I got in an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense, and I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway, which was, that was on the way to the show.

So that was the first clue. And then I was going, doing the show, and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays. And I happened to have a dog sex mask. Yeah.

That's normal, go ahead.

I can explain it to you, but it really doesn't matter. Okay. Yeah, and so I had this bit, like I go up there with the mask and not explain it, but I take it off eventually, but I left the mask on the entire set,

and people did not like it.

Okay, we got a little off track here. We were talking about the infection from the pool at L.A. Fitness.

Then I got back to the house, and our A.Z. was out,

but I was, like, freezing cold. Your A.Z. was out?

My A.C. Okay. My A.Z.A.Z., okay? But yeah, I had chills and they were talking to each other trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance, but I don't have health insurance, so that was kind of the thing. And then for a while there, I couldn't walk for like a week

because my leg was just that fucked up.

So what did they say that you had?

I got an infection in my leg. I never went to the doctor, I just got better. I kept got better. I get foreign alcohol. No, but you still got a fever, bud. What?

Because I'm lost during this fucking conversation.

You never went to the doctor?

Dude, I broke my leg and never went to the doctor. You know me. We've done this. Like, that's why the leg's fucked up in the first place.

Dude, you have to go to the doctor sometimes.

I would like to. When's the last time you've been to a doctor? come back more often? It's just like it got into a question about with the leg. They told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again, and I couldn't take off time to do that. And then I just eventually I just got used to it,

and then I was just like, you know what? I don't want to do mechanic work anymore.

Take off time from what?

I want to do this, so I do this. What'd you say, Ian? Take off time from what? Take off time from what? I was a mechanic. Oh, yeah.

What are you now?

Nothing.

How do you make money? I have my ways.

When you say ways, do you mean W-E-I-G-H-S?

Okay, some people like some very specific videos and...

No.

I'm just saying I'm...

Look it up.

Look it up. Okay, some people like some very specific videos and no

Look it up. I'm fucking with you fucking look his up. Yeah, fuck it. Hey, don't look up johnny sepsis red van. We're friends

Red van come on, buddy Have we have we weighed you before on the show? Please don't I just started a diet. I'm not ready to kill myself

Do you remember what you weighed last time a lot? Like you remember what you weighed? Yes. What was it? 430. 430.

Yeah.

Can we bring this scale out here real quick?

Oh, fucking hell, man.

It's going to be bad.

I know.

That's why I'm excited right now. Skinniest girl ever brings a scale. The lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now. Here we go. JP Hinsdale. Heidi, you got eyes on that? Can you give me a read?

Lean on him.

445.

What is it? 445.4 pounds.

Yeah.

JP.

Yeah.

What the fuck, dude?

I don't know. What are you doing?

We need to save your life right now.

I know. I don't know. I'm trying.

Not fucking either.

Yeah. Okay.

Jay, the last...

Yeah, thanks, man.

JP, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressing fucking material. Like, that's not normal that you used to have. Are you going through, like, hardcore? Like Red Band, have you been paying attention to anything that's been happening here? No, I know, but like, did you ever have like medication

for it and like you've gotten-

No, what are you talking, that's the worst question. Literally the whole set and interview we've been talking about this. No, but his other interviews weren't like this

or his other material.

It could be seasonal depression.

Yeah. It has to either be winter, summer, fall, or spring. Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case? Is there a doctor in the house? Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor. Is that an actual doctor? Or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason. Yep, there you go.

I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have.

Don't lose too much weight weight because I'll tell you and this is true for everybody here The fat of your head the smaller your ears look That's great. It is. Thank you. Everybody's great little ears doesn't he though? Yeah Cuz as we get older your ears keep growing. That's why you see old people with big-ass fucking ears Big fucking noses because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose,

they keep growing.

This is the great advice.

So just don't lose too much.

I really appreciate it. You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me. Thank you.

Let's check in with the great Ian Bagg here.

Apparently there is a doctor here.

Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Your ear is small. Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Your ear is small.

Dr. Holtzman.

Dr. Holtzman.

Dr. Holtzman.

Your ear is small.

Dr. Holtzman.

Dr. Holtzman. Dr. H'm still here.

Okay.

That wasn't funny. I'm sorry. That was me. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. This is bad.

Hey, I'm fat, everybody!

Come on!

All right.

Yeah, there we go.

Okay, JP. Well, let me just tell you that you use the code space80 at Talkspace, without a doubt. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony, enter promo code SPACE80, and you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month. I love Talkspace, man! Yeah, we love Talkspace, and you should too.

I'm glad I was here for this. You really touched me with your targeted ads

Thank you JP Hinsdale ladies and gentlemen there he goes Put them put the mic back where you found it there JP. It's the least you could do there you all right I guess that's not really the spot, but okay Guess that's just how he lives life just well you guys ready for one last bucket pull huh all right we'll make it quick make some noise for Isaac Butterfield everybody Isaac a Butterfield here he is

I get I Austin how are you fantastic to here. I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city. It's fantastic, it's gorgeous. I was walking down 6th Street, I saw a lady on her back and I saw her pussy. That was fantastic. Wonderful to see. I tell you what though, she was like, the full leg spread. I felt like I was in Dallas though. It was an interesting pussy. It looked like JFK's exit wound.

It was full on. No it was, it was crazy. There was a big old flap going over a waymo. I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing. It was fantastic, wonderful, great. Although, I've been hearing some, I know this is a very progressive town sir, with your

pink hair, fantastic, good stuff. Um, very progressive. I saw that Barbie recently released a Down Syndrome Barbie doll. Which is very, very interesting. There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well. There was a black Barbie doll, there was an Asian Barbie doll, there was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair, that was a cross promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting.

Um, but the Down Syndrome Barbie doll was my favourite. It had this... It was expensive. I wouldn't buy it, personally. Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds, you get the same result. That's my... thinking.

Hello, Brian, how are you? You're well, sir? You're going alright?

Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Isaac. Good to see well, sir? Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Isaac.

Good to see you, sir.

This is your first time on the show, correct?

Thank you. How are you?

First time here? Yes, first time on Kill Tony. It's great to be here. From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd, so good on you.

Fantastic stuff.

Look at you, trying to get them on your... for governor or something? Hello. Isaac. Do you live here in America?

I do not. I'm from Australia.

Oh, okay.

From Newcastle. So, kangaroo, echidna, etc.

There you go.

Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up? 11 years.

11 years.

So, quite a while, yeah.

How long have you been in Austin? For about a week and a half, so it's good. I'm never coming back in summer. This is atrocious, Jesus Christ.

It is warm around here. So this is your second time signing up for the show?

Yeah, I was here last week, and Tony always talks about on Kill Tony about the amount of people that sign up, but there is a huge amount of people next door, and it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done, so congratulations to you two.

Thank you very much.

Not to talk too much, but it's good to be here.

Go ahead, Brian.

Why don't you just suck everybody off up here? Suck the blind guy off, too.

Yo, D-Madness, famously the most homophobic person on this stage right I got literally just said nope Isaac what do you do for work I'm a comedian so I'm a comedian from

Australia and tour and all that type of stuff I'd make YouTube videos as well so

yeah I love it tell us something crazy about your life I have paratismal and tour and all that type of stuff. I make YouTube videos as well, so yeah.

I love it. Tell us something crazy about your life.

I have paratismal dyskinesia. Big fan. Yeah, which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye.

So.

Brian.

Fucking. How dare you, Brian. How dare you.

So wait, when does this happen how often does this happen?

rarely But my biggest fear is it happening on stage? So I actually wink quite a bit when I'm on stage

It's like a new that's crazy cuz I noticed that I thought you just winked at D Badness after he said no, and I thought you were trying to be funny But now that you mention it, I see you just wink a lot with your left eye. I do, I do. It's very weird. I don't do anything. But when you say you lose control of your head and neck, can you like do an act out of kind of what it looks like? Like what happens when you have a...

I would be honoured. Basically, yeah, turn the lights up. That'll fucking help. I basically, imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there. That's it, like that. And I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome. So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking... But it's okay.

So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time and that would be great for views.

Absolutely.

No doubt about it.

You got nothing going on compared to the last guy.

Yeah, exactly.

Good luck with your blindness. You should fucking talk to him afterwards.

I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis. Yo, he had an actual name of anything. Just like, diabetes.

It was an infection, Tony. It was an infection. I don't know. It was an infection. It was an infection.

Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right? What does? Diabetes. Well, yeah, that too. Yeah. You saw him.

I'm not.

He was sitting back there.

I had to fucking stand up like that to let him get past me, but that's... Allegedly. I don't know if it happened or not.

Hell yeah.

Isaac, you have a wife, girlfriend? Oh, Holtzman? I thought you were winking at me, and now I know it's a medical problem. I'm kind of disappointed.

You know?

You look like you've sucked a clown off.

He does look... That is it.

You nailed it.

You got him.

I love your work, Mr. Olsen.

Fuck yourself! You have a wife, a girlfriend?

I have a beautiful wife Claire and my son Atticus. We're touring America at the moment doing shows and so he gets to see the world. How old's Atticus?

He is two and a half.

First time he came to America he was five months old. We got off the plane in Austin and he had his little fan on and he's a great man. He finds farts hilarious and and he's just a, he's an absolute legend.

Did you sign up for the show that last time you came to Austin?

No, I didn't, no.

Oh, okay.

No, I was too scared, Tony.

Okay.

Because, not to be a fucking hero, but I usually do longer sets, And, uh, yeah. Again, Holtzman killing with no microphone necessary.

Just the first four rows cracking up in the whole table. Who cares about the millions watching around the world? Again, the senior veteran professional on stage, Brian Holtzman, the destroyer, no audio necessary. I love it. Isaac, what does your wife do?

She is unemployed. She's a stay at home mom. She's a failure.

The-

She's a whore.

She's a, she, no, she is a whore. She, but she's a good whore.

And she's got a lot of heart. And uh, no, good woman.

How long are you in town for, Isaac?

Uh, I'm here until Wednesday, and then we're going to LA to the Hollywood Improv. If you're around. Uh, and then into New York as well. Okay. Everywhere.

I finally got a visa. That is the hardest thing I've ever done. Getting a visa into America is ridiculous.

What did you have to do to get it?

I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability.

Ooh.

I had to show them articles about myself and all of those articles say I'm a piece of shit. So that was tough. But basically it costs you a lot of money and you have to yeah prove to the people that you're a legit human being and that's that's what I had to do and show that I was a comedian etc etc but we're here we finally got here made it long time Brian looking over your shoulder anymore it's great to be here and I I got to do the most American thing today. I got to shoot an AK-47. So, fuck yeah.

Whoa.

Amazing.

Nothing better than a winky twitchy guy shooting an AK-47.

I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun.

Yeah.

It's very fair.

Isaac, you're super likable, super cool, great stuff. Here's a big joke book.

Thank you, Tony.

There you go. Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. And that is it for the bucket pulls. Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it, but that man, William Montgomery,

unfortunately is not here tonight.

It is correct.

The rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, is not here. And normally, in that kind of situation, we would have the cold-blooded Estonian assassin fill in for him.

But again, unfortunately, all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night. Except for one. I had to really fucking pull some strings to make this happen. I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me.

As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big Superstar of the kill Tony universe fresh off of his first ever weekend opening for me And I was very curious of how it was going to go. I've been doing this 18 years He blew my fucking mind on the road doing these longer sets and I present to you a pure thunderbolt of momentum on a one-way trajectory of

wild success this is only the third ever appearance by the one and only Timmy

No-Britz! What the fuck was that? Alright, William isn't here, so he sent me his jokes. I'm just gonna go through them. Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028. To which Mexicans said, ay ay ay ay ay ay ay. Okay, good job William.

This one just says, Tony moving forward can I go by Clifford the Big Red Angry Retard? Okay, I think that might have been an interview thing, I don't fucking know. Okay, Vietnam invaded Italy this week, when asked why, they said, forget about it. I think that needs, I think that needs work, William. Conservative activist Charlie Cook, nope, let's. Red band, if you play the bear,

I'm gonna titty fuck you, all right. NASA's Perseveranceance, my hands are shaking because I'm going through pussy withdrawal right now. I haven't fucked in like two hours. It just, honestly, this just says the N word a bunch of times. Let's just wrap it up right there. All right, thank you, William.

Boom.

A minute, 25 seconds of the newest fucking thunderbolt, Timmy No Breaks. All gas, no breaks, nonstop, so fun, on the road, at home, anywhere you can find him. He's a blast.

New jacket, I noticed, tonight, Timmy No Breaks. This is a whole different version. You're not wrong, new jacket. I noticed tonight Timmy no brakes. This is a whole different version. You're not wrong tone

You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us yeah, and that guy sat on my leather jacket it exploded and He gave me his leather jacket and just kidding. This is too small.

Um...

But yeah, fun times on the road, Tone.

It was unbelievable. I don't want to give anything away but oh my god, you are so different. It's so bizarre and fun and different. There's no other way to describe it.

You don't even think like other comedians do.

Yeah.

It's just, thanks.

Pfft. Pfft.

That's a nice thing to say, Tom. That's really, really nice. Thank you.

Thank you.

He was fucking right. This looks like a cloud just on his chest.

It's unbelievable, right?

It's like fucking Adolf Hitler became a magician. What the fuck is?

It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that.

A little bit, a little bit.

Fuck yourself!

I'll take it, grandpa. Now he's dead.

Timmy No Breaks, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Fuck this jacket, I'm taking it. You want this, Michael? Timmy no breaks one of the top young rising comedians in the world

It is what this Michael

Michael's going to disappear in that jacket love him

It is unbelievable how tiny big Mike Gonzalez is

Coming fresh off of a victory. Oh my god. look at him, he's just lost in a sleeve.

Oh my God, that is adorable. You look like one of those.

You look just like David Lucas, it's crazy.

Look like a little Eskimo over there. Timmy No Breaks, tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun? You're always up to, you know, some real ruckus.

Yeah, just being, just plowing through puss and, um... I mean, it was great to be on the road with you. That was really fun. You and David, we got up to crazy stuff. I love seeing your routine, you know, like, kind of like what you do after the shows,

like, that thing you did when you, uh... So, like, after every show, he smokes cigarettes, He has some drinks and then he does this thing where he has a bunch of 17 year olds that are about to turn 18 at midnight just line up outside of his hotel room and then he fucks them one by one. I thought that was pretty creative and cool and whatever, you know? So it was fun, it's been good to get to know you. Yeah, it was good.

You fresh. What was that? What? What the fuck did you just say? Yeah, I'm right. Fuck you just say dumbass Do William yeah, I'm fucking William fuck you

Shut the fuck up

Timmy I gotta tell you, you know for for someone who's, this place is in chaos. I mean, this is what you create. It's always a ruckus. And I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now. And I mean, you are that guy right now.

You are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams. Why don't you have your moment and tell them?

Are you trying to fuck me right now? What's going on?

No, I'm trying to have you.

Okay, well, first of all, put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode. So you have to do that, Red Band. But William did give me a list. It was Epstein's list. So I was just gonna, I don't know,

I could read that maybe.

Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way, whatever, you know, do your thing to me.

Yeah, whatever you do for William is good. If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit, you're never gonna make it. Okay, let's see how this goes. All right.

Brenda Spears!

Oh!

Christina Aguilera!

Raven-Symoné!

That's actually so Raven.

The cast of Nickelodeon's All That!

Oh, that's actually the victim list? Uh... That's fucking weird.

Yeah, my bad.

Uh, it just says, uh, on the... It says, the madness times 500. I don't... To be fair, they probably sounded 19, you know?

Am I right? Am I right? To be fair, they probably sounded 19, you know?

Am I right? Am I right?

Pfft. Am I right?

Timmy, always going for that fist bump with D-Madness. I think, I don't think he has any...

Is he like blind or something?

He is, he's blind. Okay.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

We call him Timmy No Eyes.

Whoa.

Okay. Whoa. Okay. Whoa.

If you could have seen what I saw.

Whoa.

Timmy, any parting words? Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world?

Fucking...

Fuck you. You've been doing a lot of headlining gigs. You did a big you've been doing a lot of headlining gigs. You did a big jazz club.

Yeah, I did a huge jazz club. It was a I think it was a 50,000-seater or something. Sioux Falls. I don't know if you guys have been there. It's like South Dakota, whatever. Big show. Yeah, big line out the front.

And yeah, just gave it my all and they said it was good. I think the New York Times was there, they did an op-ed. I think Vulture.com was there, they did an op-ed. I think Red Band's mom was there, she did a fucking op-ed on my fucking car.

Timmy Novak, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. The future has arrived. This episode brought to you by Bluetooth, ZipRecruiter, and Spotify. One more time for Timmy No Breaks.

Oh my God. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belvis in, it is incredible. It is Holtzman in Ian Bagg. Ladies and gentlemen, go to ianbagag.com. He is on tour, I swear to God. If you see him live, your mind will be blown. Truly one of the best comedians out there.

He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere. And Brian Holtzman, as always, has brought visual plugs. On Facebook, he's Brian Holtzman. On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman Now. I guess- It's on the other side too, so you can read it. On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman Now.

I guess. It's on the other side too, so you can read it.

Oh, I see, okay, it is two-sided. And on Instagram, he's at Brian Holtzman. He prints these up and laminates them instead of just telling me and me writing them down. He actually brings them. Was Brian Holtzman not available on YouTube?

You needed Brian Holtzman now?

Yeah!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Uh... How about one more time for, uh... Yeah, Ian.

Thanks for having us, man.

Thank you so much, Ian. This is a great show.

The plot is out here. Thank you for having us. Thank you. That's Ianbag.com, that's I-A-N-B-A-G-G, double G. And Brian Holtzman does The Late Show every Thursday in the Fat Man, 10 p.m. So technically you could go to Red Band Secret Show,

double up, come see Holtzman in the Fat Man for a perfect fuckin' five, six hours of stand-up comedy on a Thursday night if you find yourself in Austin, Texas. And life is good I'm gonna be doing some stand-up check out my dates at Tony hinchcliffe.com

Red band check out my fake band cap red 7 new video VCR on YouTube right now It is a I music ladies and gentlemen one of the most I write the lyrics to make the beats amazing Unbelievable stuff it is incredible. He plugs in the words and I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me. How do you make the beats? On Fruity Loops and GarageBand.

Wow, it's getting unbelievable. The musician Brian Redband has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Bluetooth, ZipRecruiter, Shopify, everybody. Live audience, we love you. We'll see you again next week. Thank you so much.

Good night, everybody. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Good night, everybody. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.