my breakup vlog

Um, I don't really know how to even start this. I'm not gonna lie.

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Surprise! I mean, as you could tell from the title, I'm sure you already know what this video's about. I'll just come right out and say it, I am going through a breakup. Some of you were not surprised, some of you may be very surprised. I actually don't get on here and talk about my relationship life or my love life or anything like that at all because to be very blunt it's kind of like the only aspect of my life that

I can keep private, being the fact that I'm so public online with everything else. So I choose to just keep that part of my life to myself. I was dating somebody, I am no longer dating somebody. And even though I don't really talk about my relationship life, I still wanted to come on here and share my breakup with you guys, because a big aspect of the videos that I make is just about vlogging my daily life. Showing you whatever it is that I'm up to, keeping you updated on things that are just going on with me, and going through a breakup is definitely something that

impacts your life severely. So there's no way that I could just go through this and it like not really come through on my videos. I know that I'm not alone in this, I've gotten tons of DMs from other girls talking about they're going through breakups right now. So I'm gonna take you guys with me for a day of my life um going through a breakup. I'm gonna show you... it feels so... this feels kind of stupid. Let's just spend the day together and I'll show you how it is I'm getting through my breakup. I'm actually about to be very late for an appointment so that's the first thing we're doing babe. I'm gonna preface this before we even get started with the day that you can't compare like

If you're going through a breakup you can't compare situations with me because the way that we've all processed things is completely different So you might be like, oh my god You might be laid up in bed just like fucking crying for weeks because like that's how you process this shit bitch not me I'm outside. I've done a really great job at surrounding myself with friends and a really good support system and I feel like that's key to getting through a breakup. I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm late as fuck to this appointment.

What time is it?

It's 10.22, I'm supposed to be there at 10.30.

It takes like 15 minutes to get there. You know what? I'm just gonna go in my pajamas. Okay, how do we look? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Perfect!

Gorgeous! Amazing!

My alarm!

Okay, alright.

There we go. I just got out of my appointment.

It was, um, it's an Invisalign appointment. I wear Invisalign-

I-

Actually, I do not wear my Invisalign. That's kind of the problem, actually. I'm supposed to wear it all day long. I kind of only wear it when I go to sleep. Don't tell my orthodontist that she doesn't know that, okay? She doesn't know that. While I'm out, I think for today, I want to just like, do something fun.

That's kind of like what I've been trying to do while going through this breakup is just keep myself entertained, pick up hobbies, surround myself with friends. Not to say that I'm not processing my emotions, it's more just I'm not allowing myself to just like wallow in that shit. I think since it's October, today would be a great day to go and check out like spooky stuff because this is gonna be my first year celebrating the holidays alone so... I'm so excited actually! That's gonna be great. I'm not gonna be sad at all. It's gonna be fantastic. Let's just put on some Ray Charles and go get like a nice little spooky drink. A nice little pumpkin drink I guess.

To be completely honest with you guys, another reason why I feel like I'm quote unquote like processing this as well as I am, because I've even had like friends and family say to me like oh you're handling This very well. It was definitely one of those situations where like I checked out a Long time ago, but I think the idea of breaking up was just more stressful than just kind of Settling and just staying not to say that I didn't communicate my feelings. I always communicated my feelings. The person just didn't change and there's nothing I can really do about that.

You know,

you can want somebody to change so bad and they can tell you a million times they're going to change, but that person's not actually going to change for you unless they really want

to.

That's why a lot of people end up going through a breakup with someone they were with for like a really long time and that person immediately gets into like the next relationship and treats them exactly how the person was like begging to be treated. I'm not going to get into like the hyper specifics as to why I broke up with them that feels like just a little bit too personal, but I'll be I'll be vague about it. You know, like it was not a good relationship. It's been it was a terrible relationship pretty much for most of the time. Oh, for most of the time.

But I think that in my head I just like I wanted it to work out, especially because of how much time I poured into it. It's that idea of the sunk cost fallacy, and I'm sure a lot of you have heard of it. If you haven't, the story kind of goes like this, where it's if it takes 10 blocks to get to a grocery store, and you walk 5 blocks to that grocery store and then remember, the grocery stores closed that day.

Are you going to walk the next 5 blocks to that grocery store hoping that maybe it'll be open? Hoping that maybe there'll be a different outcome than what you know will actually be? That's sunk cost fallacy, because of how much time you've poured into something, you convince yourself that you should just stick to it. I did that for a very, very, very, very, very long time.

I think I just woke up one day and realized, I want a different outcome. I wanna see what happens if I choose the other option. And so far, it's been the best decision I've ever made in my life. I can't lie to you. Dang I hope none of this sounds like very abrasive or like inconsiderate because that's not how I'm meaning to sound at all. It's

just that, bitch I'm prioritizing myself for once. That's really what it is. I'm prioritizing myself for the very first time and I'm very proud of myself for it. And sometimes you just got to do that. Sometimes prioritizing yourself might hurt a couple people. But at the end of the day, you gotta do what's right for you. Honestly. I'm taking you guys to-

Oh, oh, I look so bad.

I'm taking you guys to like, low-key- I gatekeep this place. This is like, one of my favorite coffee shops. I gatekeep the fuck out of this. But I guess I'm hoping they have some sort of like fall themed matcha. Does a pumpkin matcha sound good? I don't know. I can't decide if that sounds disgusting or not. The place that we're going to is called Three Sisters in Burbank.

We're out of matcha right now. No! Okay, no problem, no problem. Could I please do... Ooh, can I do the Twilight Bloom Latte iced? Um, could I do that with extra ice? And almond milk, please? What's the straw- is that a strawberry...?

Yeah, a strawberry cheese dainty.

Can I please do that?

Let's do it, you want that warmed up?

Ooh, yes please.

So, as you heard, they were out of matcha. That's okay. I understand. I got... What's it called? It was like a Twilight something. This is a reason why I freaking love them so much They come out with like such interesting things. It's got like lavender sage or some shit in it. That sounds freaking insane I'm so excited to try this. I'm not really too upset about losing out on the matcha because I'm more of a coffee person anyway That was beautiful wow that's crazy that's That's amazing. It's great. I'm

titillated. I'm going to go home and touch. I'm going to go right now. Literally. Oh my God. Speaking of something that nobody talks about, y'all, this is going to be a very brutally honest blog. I'm not going to lie to you because this is my first time processing a breakup. This was like my first ever like real relationship. Since it's my first time, there's things that I have questions about, there's things that I'm confused about, and maybe this is your first time going through a breakup, and maybe you kind of need some validation too. Nobody talks about, or at least I've never heard anyone say that when you get out of a relationship, you're feral. Like, like you're- I'm not gonna

elaborate more on that, but oh my god. It was to the point where I was like, okay, I need to pipe myself down Okay, I seem very happy right now, but there are bad sides to this breakup. Trust me. I'll dive into them The first one is I spent $300 on toys Let's try the cheese Danish

Wow Let's try the cheese danish. Wow.

They don't miss. They're gonna start playing with my shit. It's so fucking good.

I'm sorry.

Now that I have a coffee, I actually need to get ready for the day. I can't be outside just like this all day long. Also there's like a half of a breakfast burrito left in my fridge, so I'm gonna eat that for breakfast. I finished eating And I finished getting dressed I feel like a big part of like getting through this breakup for me like what's really helped is

Every single day I get up and I get myself dressed I think when I was in my relationship, I was like way too depressed to do anything So I didn't care about like how I looked I didn't care to put outfits on or do makeup or do anything. All of it felt very exhausting because I was depressed. But now that it's just me, I'm trying to pour into myself as much as I can. So that includes getting up every day and putting that shit on. Here's our little outfit today. This is a children's shirt. I thrifted this. I have on massive jeans that I am absolutely stepping on like they are like five inches way too long for my height

but I just I don't care. The shoes I have on are like ballet flats or whatever and I just throw on a shit ton of jewelry. I don't know I feel like I look cute, I feel like I look cute but now that I look good I feel good. So we're ready to go out and go do stuff. Oh my god, I feel like that's gonna be a question that people ask. You're probably wondering, Jezebel, what's gonna happen with the pets because if you've been here a while, you know I have two dogs, I have a turtle, and I have a cat. The turtle and the cat I am keeping, my ex is taking the two dogs. Um, I love them very much, but I would be lying to you guys if him and I'm not fucking co-parenting. That's ridiculous. If you're co-parenting pets

that's actually wild to me. No offense though, you know what I'm saying? Everybody's different. If that works for your situation, then okay, girl. I said I wanted to go Halloween shopping, you know, just like for some cute decorations, but I've been sitting in this parking lot for like 20 minutes really not wanting to go inside. I wanted to go to TJ Maxx but um my TJ Maxx is the one that's in Burbank and if you live in LA, this is like the worst one. This is the worst TJ Maxx I've ever been to in my entire life. I'm talking about the line wraps around the entire

store. It is so like disheveled. Everything is everywhere, there's no like rhyme or reason to anything, and there's just so many bodies in there. And then also sometimes it smells like hot garbage ass water. So my other idea was going to Michaels so maybe I wouldn't be so overstimulated but I'm starving right now. I might just go inside to see what Michaels has though because I want to get at least like maybe a little candle or something. Babe I feel like I'm excited to see what Michaels has though, because I want to get at least like maybe a little candle or something.

Babe, I feel like I'm gonna be overstimulated period, no matter which store I go into. Just being outside is overstimulating. Okay, I'm facing my overstimulation fears and I'm going inside. I'm also stepping all over my pants right now. Like my pants are about five inches too long for me and I'm not paying to get them altered. So if you see me in public dragging my pants around Buddy ignore it I'm actually really excited to do this because

One issue that I had in my past relationship Was that we never went and did any of the things that I wanted to do so like holiday shopping Pumpkin patches like you know bullshit like that. I'm calling it bullshit, but it actually would have meant a lot to me Damn, they bumping in his head 50% off do I need a frog? Low-key, why is it actually really cute? I'm looking maybe for something that's like a black

cat. If I see anything that ever is like black cat themed I usually like always get it. I'd also be fine with just like a nice fall candle, really set the mood at my place. Or like something for my door. They already have Christmas out. Oh my god, bitch, we're late.

We're late.

We are.

Oh, these are cute. Hello?

Wait.

Am I, am I having a stroke right now? Or does that say that that's $80? Am I having a stroke? Hold on a second cuz...

...

Oh no way...

It's $80?

Oh my god...

Bro I actually have to show you guys how badly I'm stepping on my pants right now, hold on.

LOL

So it's kinda bad. You know, if I just like pull them up every now and then... Okay, see I think that's okay actually. Nope, I'm stepping on him again. If you saw me, do you think you'd like notice? Okay, let's lock in actually.

Ooh, maybe I should get something to paint. Okay wait, I just came up with a really good idea for myself. I'm gonna find something to paint and I'm gonna go to the park right now and paint. Oh my god, do you see how easy that was to come up with a date idea? Who would have thought? I think I'm gonna do this one because of the fact that it has like a little cat. I can paint Frank

That would be very cute. I actually didn't spend that much time in there. So I'm very happy There also wasn't really that many people in there. So I wasn't super overstimulated guys. This is great I ended up getting something else. So I got this to paint. We're actually gonna go do this literally right now Mm-hmm, and when I was like in line, I saw this and like I said if I see anything that like pertains to like cats Buddy, I grabbed it. Are you kidding me? This is a coloring book filled with just like cats that I can color how I want to color. Absolutely. I'm sold Are you shitting me? This is fantastic. I love this. This is great. Really? This is so insane! I didn't get like coloring pencils or anything. That's okay. I don't have to color it today

I just wanted to get it for like another day. This however does come with everything that I need so I can paint with it I'm also Freaking starving and I'm craving pizza So we're gonna go get Prince Street pizza Then we're gonna hit the park and we're gonna paint eat pizza and watch the sunset You know

I'm mind blown at how absolutely easy that was to plan. It's almost like it's actually not hard to plan a date. Something that I had to deal with a lot of was wanting to do all of these different things that I feel like in my head are not tall asks.

Like this is not something crazy to ask for to wanna do something small and simple, like paint together, go to a park, like like just hang out like plan a cute little date Especially something that's like Halloween themed because the holidays you guys know means so much to me. I wasn't getting that I would be told that like oh, yeah, we're totally gonna do this But then the plan never got made or I would constantly hear that excuse of like, oh, I don't know what to do

Like I'm not good at planning dates. There's nothing to like really go and do right now. Like just bullshit, you know? And like I said earlier a lot of people have been saying to me like, oh you're handling the breakup really well. And it's because I knew that we were supposed to break up. I don't feel bad about the breakup. Like to me, like I'm happier. my being that thinks, well maybe I shouldn't, like nothing to cast doubt, like literally there's no doubt in my mind whatsoever. Simply because of little things like this. Taking myself into Michaels for literally five minutes, bitch, like literally five minutes.

Grabbing something to paint, I'm gonna go get pizza, and then I'm gonna go to the park and watch the sunset. I literally came up with that plan off the top of my head and it's a fantastic fucking date. Like if a guy planned that date for me, like no, but, but like, you know, like it's, come on now, lock the fuck in. So if you're in a situation and you know what,

this is super common. So if you're in a situation where you're like, oh my God, he doesn't like know what to take us to do. He doesn't know what there is to do He's just bad at it. Girl dat boy is lying to you. Literally. He is lying to you Can you come up with a date? Is there things that you want to go and do? Is he aware of that? The fuck is he doing then? Literally. Anyway, let's go on our date and go have fun Low-key a lot of people say that Prince Street pizza is overrated. Personally, I disagree Hi, how are you? Um, do you have another naughty pie coming out soon? Yeah, we have more naughty.

Could I please do a slice of that? Oh my god, I'm so excited. It smells so good. Oh my god, this pizza is so good. Oh, I forgot to tell him I wanted a corner piece. Bro gave me a- he gave me a centerpiece. That's okay. I'm still very happy. That shit looks so fucking good their whole thing

at this pizza shop is that they don't believe in putting like ranch on pizza but they have this garlic dip it's literal crack like i'm so serious it's literal crack i'm just gonna sit right outside my car it's kind of cold i'm not gonna lie to you that's one thing i hate about la weather is that the day will start off like hot as fuck and it's like you have to carry a change of clothing with you because it's gonna get freezing cold at night. Oh my god it's so beautiful. I'm gonna touch myself I swear to god. Okay for sure need parm. Bro if you're not horny right now I don't tell you you might have erectile dysfunction or something because this is gorgeous. Red pepper flakes oh hello and garlic powder.

I'm like salivating right now, I'm just like fucking this shit up. I know it's all over my face, just give me a second. I should've got two slices. Oh my god. I just demolished that shit. I didn't even take like one beverage break.

I haven't drank anything. There's actually no way for me to translate to you how fucking good that was. Okay, should I just sit in the car? oh no! are you okay? oh my god are you all right? oh no i'm gonna take my shoes off let my dogs bark and breathe i think i've got enough time to paint one of these

i'm actually really excited about this because they're ornaments so i can paint these for halloween put them around my apartment it'll be so cute but then i can also put them on a christmas tree i love it sold i have enough time to paint one and then go home because i actually just got invited out tonight yay i'm so excited i think that doing stuff like this is like super important especially when you get out of a relationship like little things like this like taking yourself on a date basically, like a solo date. Yeah, you can date other people, which is cool, build your roster or whatever, but I also think it's really important to like nurture yourself.

It's also important to still do that when you're in a relationship, but my problem was that I was only going on solo dates when I was in a relationship, which, baby, that don't sound like a relationship. That sounds like I'm single. I think like my breakup came as like a surprise to a lot of people and some of you may be very surprised about it. I never was like one to open up about my relationship because of the fact that I'm like a big believer in when you have

issues in a relationship it's probably not something that you should discuss with other people. Not because you need to keep your problems to yourself but because there's bias you know like if you're talking to your friends about it your friends are most likely gonna be biased towards you and you're not gonna get good opinions. And also on top of that, you're gonna taint kind of like the image that they have of your partner, which could also put tension on your friendship.

So I kind of just kept everything to myself, even from my family and all, and I was like, all the issues that we have, like, I'll just like figure it out myself, you know, which is not really the healthiest thing I probably should have opened up to at least one person but it came as a surprise to everybody I had to like kind of like call people up and be like, hey, you know Like I broke up with so-and-so and they were like I swear to God some of them seem more heartbroken than me I was like, what the fuck? Why of you might see them maybe as like well that's not that bad or it's not that horrible but like I promise you this is just like the tip of

the iceberg these are just like more palatable things that I'm okay with talking about the other stuff I don't really want to talk about but what's really interesting is there's the issues that I had with my ex. Yeah, I broke up with him because of that, but what pushed me to break up with him wasn't the constant like mistreatment or anything like that. It was actually like one, a Dominic Fike song. Yeah, shout out to Dominic Fike

because one of his fucking songs, it's the song called Why. That right there, I heard that song for the first time like a couple months ago. And ever since i heard it, i listened to it like 10 times a day and i remember the first time hearing it i was like, what the fuck? is he talking to me? like it was actually just like on some random shit because i just decided to like

try to discover new music on spotify and the song just randomly came on the lyrics just really spoke to me because it's like a lot about not prioritizing yourself or at least like the things that matter, putting up with shit that you should not be putting up with, that you don't have to put up with. I would say that that song was actually like the major turning point that made me finally like realize like damn I need to get the fuck out of this shit. I was happy in every other aspect of my life, like everything in my life was good. I was exactly where I wanted to be, things were going how I wanted them to go, but for some reason I was severely depressed and I was so confused. I was like, why am I so depressed

if everything is exactly how I want it to be? And I think I just didn't want to give up like what I feel like could possibly be my prime years. Things are great now, but you never know like what could happen in the future. So I want to be happy while I have the ability to be happy right now. I shouldn't be missing out on that. But things have been like really good for me. I've been going out with friends, I've been hanging out, talking to a lot of people, trying to- now that I've opened up to everybody about like things that I've been going through, I feel like more comfortable hanging out with people and just kind of like opening up. I also feel like it's

now strengthened a lot of friendships that I had. Who would have thought I was the one holding myself back. I think like another reason why I was scared to open up to people about what I had going on was because I knew what the answer was gonna be. I knew that they were gonna tell me that I should leave. I think that I just like wasn't ready to hear that in that situation, right? I think I was in one of those situations where it's like you have to keep going back until like you mentally just give up basically.

Like you kind of just detach at one point. Once I felt like I was right there at that tail end of giving up, that's when I decided to go through his phone. Which I'd never really done in the relationship because I'm a super trusting person. I'm not gonna lie to you. I don't ever want to feel like I have to go through your phone because if I do feel that way, and I've said this time and time again, but if you feel like you need not go through your partner's phone unless you are ready to leave in that moment.

And that is so incredibly real and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. But I went through his phone and thankfully I was at a point where I was ready to leave because I found something that I very much did not like seeing. That was all that I needed. It's basically I was asking the universe for a sign and I was like, bitch, let it be known. Cause if it is, then I'm ready to dip right now. Thankfully I had the strength and I was ready.

I mean, I'd be lying to you if I told you that I was ready, actually. I like attempted to break up with him and then like got back together with him a few days later. But then like, I I feel so bad saying this, but a lot of people have asked me for advice and people would say that it was good

advice. I think that I gave good advice, but the problem was that I wasn't taking my own advice and in those times where I would wasn't at that point where I was ready to leave. So I just kept putting up with stuff. Then another thing that pushed me to leave was I would get DMs from girls who had asked me the questions or had just seen the podcast episodes and listened to my advice and they were like, wow, like I should leave. And they left their significant others. I would get a DM from them weeks later to thank me and be like,

Jezebel, like, it was so difficult for me to leave, I couldn't push myself to, but like, your advice pushed me to, like, and I would get like flooded with all these messages of people who left toxic situations or left like awful relationships, finally, and they were happy, and that kind of like inspired me, like, finally to leave. I was like, alright, it's time to take my own fucking advice. I'm happy that I left, but I don't want you guys to think like, oh, going through a breakup must just be so easy for her, like, I don't know if maybe you're considering breaking up and you're thinking, oh, well, she makes it look easy, years ago, right? And I was able to quit. Um, hadn't smoked any nicotine or anything like that

unless it was like once a year I'd have like a blunt. I picked back up the habit of smoking. I picked up a pack of cigarettes. I'm not just like casually like chain smoking or anything like that. It's more like I'm going out and when I get drunk, have myself a little drunk cigarette. Also the fact that I am now back drinking. I hadn't drank in like a very long time because prior to this I hated drinking but a part of me is wondering in my head if I hated drinking because of the situation I was in. Like this might sound kind of crazy, I might be

overthinking it but anytime I would drink or anything like I felt like super anxious and uncomfortable and I thought oh maybe I just don't agree with alcohol. But then I left my ex, and then I went and got drunk with friends, and I didn't feel anxious at all. I was enjoying myself. I was having fun. It felt great.

Like, it was awesome. I didn't feel anxious. Maybe I was only anxious when I drank because I was with him. Kind of like when I tell you guys that if you're experiencing out when you smoke.

I think that's what was happening when I was drinking. I think I'm gonna give him like purple eyes.

Isn't that so cute so far?

Oh my god, he looks like a little bandit.

That's so cute.

I thought that when I broke up with him that I would be so lonely, like my life would be so lonely. What was so crazy is ever since I left, my life has been anything but that. I have been surrounded with the most loving support system. Like, this is actually the least lonely I've ever felt in my whole life. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not gonna lie to you. Well, it's kind of cute. Maybe I'll do a little purple nose too. Oh, I love it actually. It's so adorable. I'm sure that there will be days when I'm sad. There was only, to be completely honest with you, there was only one time that I cried. I did not cry during the breakup. I didn't cry before it.

I did not cry right after it. It was like, um, like a week later that I cried. And I didn't even cry because this was another reason why I knew, like, it was time for me to go. I didn't cry because I was sad. I didn't feel sad at fucking all. There's not a part of me that feels sad at all. I was crying out of anger because of how many chances I gave, how much of myself I put into this, how much I tried, how I poured all of my energy into it, and how he had every opportunity to show up and do better and he didn't. and i was just angry, angry at him i guess and angry at myself for allowing it to go

on as long as it did, you know? i'm sure there will be a day where i do feel sad, but i don't think that day will come anytime soon. it'll probably be like during the holidays, maybe on my birthday? okay, i do like it, it's pretty cute. ohhh, i worked with what i had. should i put like a little black in the center of the eyes? Not sure how I feel about it. Maybe I should just- ooh That looks- Wait, no, it's cute. Hold on. Wait

Wait

Oh, I love it. To be honest with you guys. I'm just really excited to see where my life goes from here Do you see how easy this was? This was like such a easy planned date that took no effort at all. No effort at all. Don't ever let a man tell you like, oh, I'm just bad at planning dates. Bitch, you can't use fucking Google. You can't use Google. Really? And it really blew my mind

to find out just how little effort he was putting in. Like, obviously I knew he wasn't really putting in effort when I was in the relationship, but I realized how bad it was after breaking up to find out that I was single. Oh my God. The amount of people that were hitting me up and planning these elaborate ass dates was like crazy to me. Like it's wild to me how much a stranger

is willing to put in for me. But the person that I was with for so long, like not even a shred, not even a whisper of effort, you know what I mean? Anyway, it's time to go home so that I can get ready! Just got out of the shower. I'm getting ready to go out right now.

This feels like a really good time to show you guys what I put in my hair because everybody always asks me what freaking products I use. I use this brand called InnerSense. It's very expensive. I'm not gonna lie to you, bitch. I'm gonna be so real with you. It is

extremely overpriced, but I feel like it does do really well with my hair and I don't need to use very much of it. I've had this for months and I still have like a shit ton left. I've used like four of their products at once before but I truly think I only need like the curl control and the I create like curl memory. This is like a gel. I don't think my hair needs much more than that. Another thing people ask me about is my baby hairs like how I style them. Baby I don't do anything to them. I'm not gonna lie to you. I put water in them and then I pull them down because if I don't they'll just stick straight up and then whatever they

do on my forehead is what they do. I don't put gel. I don't put any product in them. They just hang out just like that and they'll dry and like curl up a little bit more. So I just leave them alone. One thing that I've said this in videos, but I never washed my hair. I never did my hair. I hated doing my hair. I thought maybe I was just lazy. Turns out I was just depressed actually because the second I got out of my relationship, I loved doing my hair all of the time. When people are like, oh Jezebel, let's go out tonight. I'll literally get in the shower, immediately wash my hair and I'll do like a whole curl routine, which I haven't enjoyed doing in years. I'm really excited to be going out so often

because to be completely blunt with you guys, I never owned nice clothing. Like in my adult life, like I did not own nice clothing because I never went anywhere. I never got taken anywhere. I never went on dates.

I never went to nice places. So there was no reason for me to go shopping and get nice clothing. And it really sucked because I made this known in my relationship too. I was like, hey, you know, like I don't own any nice clothing.

Like it would be really nice if maybe we could

start going somewhere. And of course he would say to me,

okay, bet, like I'll take you shopping for like a dress or something. And then I'll take you to a nice dinner. Baby, that never happened. That never happened, honey. I never got taken to my address to go to a nice dinner to do anything So now that I'm going out all the time I was able to go shopping recently which I went with a friend to go shopping and we went to all these different stores and

I got like a lot of fun clothing to wear out stuff That's like universal for like nighttime and daytime and I've been going out every day and I'm able to wear the clothes I complained so much to you guys about feeling like I didn't know what my style was and saying that like, oh maybe I just don't know how to style clothes. That wasn't it, bitch. That literally wasn't it. I do have style. I do know how to style clothes. I just didn't own the clothing because what was the point of buying it? What was the point of owning it if I wasn't gonna wear it anywhere? Did I really be putting that cute outfit that I have. Oh my god, I have to go like right now. My friend is literally here to pick me up. Look at me! I have this like shirt from Skims, bro. I did not want to put anything underneath it, but as you can see, I did not have a choice. I put on a bunch of jewelry, a cute little

bag. I've been loving a tiny purse recently. I don't know, I'm wearing oversized jeans, some cute flats. I feel like I look so fucking cute. Ignore my trash, okay, sorry.

Do you feel good?

Oh my god, I feel good! Holy shit!

It's so nice to be able to put myself together and freaking go out, but okay, I have to go now. They're literally outside. I'll update you guys when I get back tonight, okay? I love you so much. See you later! and we're back in bed. Kind of like a full circle moment here. Let me see, what time is it? So it's 3.53. I didn't just get home, alright?

I actually got home at 11.30. I actually had a lot of fun tonight. I tried a new restaurant, had some good food, had a couple drinks. It was very, very nice. I even like opened up about like how I'm feeling, I keep everything bottled up into myself, and I don't know, tonight like I just talked and it felt really freaking good, and that's just so difficult for me to do. Then after that I came home, and to be completely transparent with you,

I kind of just like sat and processed my emotions until like damn near four in the morning. Like I literally just sat on my couch like texting my friends about like all the feelings that I'm having because it was almost like opening up tonight just like unplugged something. I get open up the floodgates and I just wanted to talk about all these other feelings that I have about other things and so thankfully I have a freaking amazing support system. Like I said at the beginning of this video, we all process things differently. The way that I'm processing this breakup is by just having fun, Going out and doing the things that I want to do.

It feels almost as if like I'm dating myself. And it feels really good because I'm showing up for myself. I'm taking myself to do the things that I want to do. I'm not sitting here waiting around for somebody else to do them for me. But although I know that I needed to leave that relationship, I knew that it was toxic for me and I do feel happier out of it, there's obviously still those like emotional waves that come in where I just like think about something that happened and I'm just like damn that was fucked up.

You just gotta take a minute to sit with that. Basically what I'm trying to say is you should go outside. Process your breakup, not hold up in your room completely isolated and alone for months. Go outside, push yourself to do fun things, try new foods, hang out with friends, even when it seems difficult. Actually, especially when it feels difficult. But that's not me saying don't process your emotions. When you feel angry, be angry for a second.

When you feel sad, cry, but don't let it consume you. A healthy balance in my opinion was I spent the whole day out having fun, and then I went out for a nice dinner, got back home, and then for like the next five hours, I just... This was kind of like a crazy video for me to make. This shit was like, this is very revealing. I feel very like, I'm not going to lie to you, this feels very exposing.

Slightly uncomfortable. And like a part of me, like a little a little part of my brain is telling me to just delete all this, delete the footage, don't post this shit. Don't let people see this. But I just felt the need to share it with you guys because my entire YouTube channel is just me showing you guys experiencing life. It's kind of the point of all this and as happy and fun as all of my videos are, I also experience fucked up shit and it can get fucking rough dog.

But hopefully you guys seeing me experience this, I'll help at least one person see that you're gonna go through some fucked up shit but you're gonna come out on the other side even better, even stronger, even happier. So with that being said, I am excited to see, well, wherever the hell life takes us now y'all, it's just me and you, lock in! We should go ahead and make a pact like uh if we're not married by a certain age or some shit like we could just get married to each other.

Let's all like pool our money together and invest in a plot of land and turn it into like a graveyard so we can all just be buried next to each other. That's- wait that's actually like- that's crazy. Alright, yeah I should go to bed it's like 4 in the morning. Thank you guys so much for spending the day with me. I really enjoyed myself. Please make sure you're taking care of yourself and remember you are not alone whatever it is you are going through. I love you guys so much.

I will see you next Friday. I will see you next Friday.

Bye!