My Fertility Journey

Asa and I have been struggling to get pregnant for the last year and we have not talked about this online or really told anyone to be honest because it's just been really difficult. But here I am. I decided to talk about this and the main motivator behind me posting this video and posting my video on Instagram is in hopes that I'm just hoping that this can help somebody... not feel as alone as I have the last year. I'm finally trying to find the courage to post this because it has been so lonely and I don't really know how to explain why it has been lonely because I

have people supporting me but I think it's just kind of an isolating feeling and anyone who's maybe gone through something similar or struggled to get pregnant might be able to understand or relate. And I'm hoping that by posting this, if anyone's going through something similar, this will help somehow just know, like, you're not alone. But I just thought I'd start from the beginning.

I don't really know how to do this. I don't really know how to talk about what's going on. And I haven't really told that many people to be honest, but by the time this video is posted, I think maybe like a week or two ago, I posted an Instagram video. Um, that was a montage of all of my and Asa's negative tests that we've gotten over the last year. And I wrote the caption down. In the caption I said, negative tests over and over again for nearly a year. This is not the fertility journey I thought we would have. It has been difficult emotionally, but we know our time will come. And to our future baby, take comfort knowing that you

were loved before you were even known. Our mom and dad era will happen one day. So I posted that on Instagram and of course you guys were incredible. Like your comments were so kind and exactly weirdly what I needed to hear after going through this for so long I got so many kind messages and so many texts from friends who didn't know about this So you guys might have had a clue and also seeing the title of this video You probably had an idea of what this sit down and talk be about

But I don't really have a plan as to what i'm gonna say today I just felt like I needed to maybe give a little more information about what's been going on last year. Rewind about a year ago. Asa and I had been kind of talking about having kids and I think seeing Brooklyn be a mom really is what encouraged me the most to finally make that jump into trying to have a baby because I saw how much fun it was and how much she loves Archer and he brings so much joy like it's crazy and I saw how much fun it was and how much she loves Archer and he brings so

much joy like it's crazy and I didn't know like it's been a long time since I've been around babies and my siblings when they were young so I just didn't remember and seeing all of that I was like yes for sure we want a kid like we want we want kids so Asa and I made the mutual decision to start trying to have a baby and that first month we jumped right into it was so weird Because we had gone from really kind of protecting to suddenly like trying to get pregnant It was kind of a jarring jump from one to the other

If I'm being honest, then maybe some of you guys can relate like let me know if you felt the same if you've done this or not It was definitely strange So we tried our first month and I don't know really what I was expecting. I think I was expecting a positive test because Brooklyn got a positive test her first month

and we are genetically the same. Everything about our bodies are identical. And I just thought like, that won't be me. I'll never have problems with fertility because I've always been so confident in my fertility Like my periods were always consistent. I never had hormone fluctuation issues

I've never been on birth control that can impact fertility I can feel when I ovulate and what side I ovulate from like i'm so aware of my body and I just thought no like Literally, that's not in the cards for me. That's not my journey. Well, I was wrong Very wrong. So yeah, first month, Ace and I tried and we get a negative test.

I was not expecting to feel so upset the first month. I was devastated. I really had built myself up into thinking it was gonna be positive and that this was gonna be an easy thing. And I had like a reality slap to the face.

Like, this is not easy to do. I was so devastated. I was so sad and then I felt silly for being sad because it had only tried once like one month. I was trying for one month. I felt so silly and I called one of my friends who went through something similar. Now she has a beautiful baby. I called her and I was like why am I so upset about this like it's one try like

we literally only tried one time and I I so upset about this? Like it's one try, like we literally only tried one time and I'm so upset about this negative test. And she was like, Bailey, let me tell you something. It hurts the same way that it does the first time, the 10th time or the 100th time that you get a negative test.

She's like, just because you've only tried once does not mean you cannot be sad. Part of why I wanted to make this video is to tell anyone who's going through something similar It does not matter how long you've been trying a negative test Sucks. It is okay to be bawling your eyes out after pregnancy negative test number one. I was so hard on myself I kept telling myself. This is silly. You're ridiculous. There's no reason to be upset about this

You've only tried once so many people try for so much longer and go through so many harder things like you're fine And I wish I'd been like in hindsight a lot kinder to myself So we try, month one, get a negative. Then we're like, okay, you know what, slap of humble pie Maybe we were a little egotistical coming into attempt number one thinking it was just gonna happen right off the bat We'll just try again next month. We try again next month. It's a negative test again negative test month three by month three I start to get in my head a little bit and I'm like, okay, maybe we're doing something wrong

Like maybe we're not trying to write things So then I start to do a bunch of research because I like to know I like to know information So I researched a bunch of stuff in all kinds of positions to try handstands after having sex upside-, backwards, sideways, mucinex, using a disc, using different types of lube, all kinds of stuff that we could try just at home. And so literally

month after month we're trying all of these things. We're trying different positions, we're trying different types of products. I have been taking prenatals since day one, daily. Aces on prenatals, we're trying to use this and that and the other, all of these like rumored things that are supposed to help you get pregnant or people say it got them pregnant

and month after month, after month, after month were getting negatives. It was roughly, I think probably month three or four that I fessed up to Brooklyn about what was going on. It wasn't right away I don't think my memory is not the greatest when it comes to this so I could be wrong But I'm pretty sure was around month three or four. I had like one really devastating test

I was really upset about it and I just ended up crying to her about it and telling her what was going on So Brooklyn's pretty much known the whole time and she's been really helpful as much as she can be. I think there is a degree, doesn't matter how empathetic or sympathetic of a person you are, if you've never gone through something like this it's somewhat hard to comfort someone who's going through it if it makes any sense and I think that's why I kind of felt a little bit alone because I didn't really know anybody in my personal life who'd ever gone through something like this. Everyone that I know personally has not

struggled for a long time to get pregnant, um, except for a handful of friends who I did reach out to and who were amazing in helping me out. So that was kind of difficult. But I think it was about month six of trying, we got six negative tests in a row, that I started to think like something maybe isn't right. I knew after researching and being told, like by a lot of people people that it can take healthy couples. Both of you could be perfectly healthy. It could still take a year to get pregnant. Your chances every month of that being you go down.

So every month that passes, the percentage of couples who are usually pregnant by then increases. So like by month six, I'm like looking at the statistics, it's like, I don't know the exact numbers. 50% of couples should be pregnant by now and I'm like no way we're in the other half of the 50 that's a small amount and then month 7, month 8,

month 9. By the time we're getting to a year I'm like they're saying 95% of couples should be pregnant by now and we're not. Like the percentage decreases in the chances of you still not being pregnant every month that goes by. So by month 6 I was like this is seeming like it's gonna be a longer process. And I think that's when everything kind of hit me. The realization that, holy crap, this might be a thing for us.

This might be a difficult process for us. And I think everything just really just like hit me. And I went through it. I was just, I would almost say depressed. I was walking through life just so sad and sad that I wasn't pregnant yet

and trying to come to terms with the idea that it could be months or years until we were. And I was just sad. I was just sad all the time. And I didn't know what to do with those feelings. Like there's no chart or like guide

on how to deal with those feelings or where to put them. And at the same time, it took a toll on our marriage because trying to have a baby is supposed to be fun for a couple. When you get to month six, it starts to feel like a chore. And it doesn't matter how healthy your sex life is or isn't, it starts to feel like a chore between you and your partner. And if anyone's going through something similar, just know you could be the healthiest couple alive. You could have the most libido in the world and it would still probably feel like a chore. And that was kind of starting to hit me and Asa too, feeling like just defeated. So month six

was probably one of the hardest months of this whole journey for me honestly because I think that was just the realization of like I need to change my perspective about this, my expectations need to shift, I need to start like relaxing and not being so stressed about it. So month 7, month 8, month 9, Asa9 just relax. We step off the gas, we try and travel, we try and see friends, we try to not think about it, we try not to time our anything, we try not to time around ovulation,

just making sure that we're hitting the points we really have to hit to have a baby. Like I buy ovulation tests. I'm tracking to make sure that we're right on time with everything and we're still getting negative tests. And by this point I'm just like absolutely defeated. I'm tired of seeing negative tests, I'm starting to see all my friends around me pop up pregnant and influencers post that they're pregnant and I just feel like everyone

around me is getting pregnant and I'm not and I just couldn't help but just think like, why am I not getting pregnant? And that's a crappy feeling. And it's even a weirder feeling, I think, to try and show joy and happiness for everyone around you when you're struggling so much. Like, I think that's something that I was having a really tough time with because I'm so accustomed to sharing everything online and sharing with the people in my life and for some reason and I don't know why I Could not get myself to tell people about this. I knew that I needed to

Emotionally for myself. I just like could not get myself to do it and I still don't really know why It's hard for me to talk about. I think just cause it's an emotionally difficult thing. But every time I would open it up to someone new I would feel better, but I did not, I did not tell anyone. My parents did not know.

My siblings did not know. Even some of my best friends did not know. My coworkers did not know. Like literally nobody knew except for Brooklyn and a handful of people in my life. And so by about month nine I was realizing that we were probably gonna need to take steps to go to doctor's appointments, fertility clinics, do all the tests and all the

exams and I realized that things were getting a lot more serious and a little bit out of my depth and I needed to tell my family. So I was terrified and again I don't know why. Like how does one even start that conversation? Like, hey! So by the way, haven't been able to get pregnant for the last nine months. Not sure why. Yes, it's emotionally sucked. Sucked. Anyway, have a good day. Bye. That's literally how I was like, I was thinking, I was like,

I'm so nervous and scared to tell them, but I knew they'd be supportive. It wasn't a question of that. It was just like, I hadn't told anybody this. And so one morning I just like sat on my back porch and I just bawled my eyes out. I'm a very emotional person, if you can't tell. Bawled my eyes out and was like, it's time. And I just dialed my mom up

and I asked her to put my dad on speakerphone and I just told them everything that had been going on. They're just like, my mom was crying on the phone and the first thing really that she said to me was, Oh my gosh, Bailey, I can't believe you've been going through this by yourself. And it hit me, I just realized like how hard I had been on myself and not sharing it because I felt so self-conscious and silly for being so sad. For nine months, I felt, I-conscious and silly for being so sad for nine months I felt I just kept telling myself you don't have a right to be sad so many people go through it worse You don't need to tell people that's traumatic

You don't need to make it their problem and when her first response to me was like Why have you carried that on your own for so long? I think I realized like I was being hard on myself, I guess and so we had a long conversation a really good conversation But after I told my parents I started to open up to more people in my personal life about this and on the other side Of things I can't speak fully to ace's experience And yes

I did ask him if he wanted to be a part of this video before anyone asks or comments anything weird I asked him if he wanted to be part of this video and he declined. This is emotionally, I think, even been more difficult for him than it has for me. And he's not used to being on camera and being emotional like I am or like Brooklyn is. So I didn't want to ask him to do something

he wasn't comfortable with. But everything that I'm sharing, obviously, I asked if it was okay and he's fine with it. He just didn't want to tell the story basically. But on the same time, Asa went and told his parents, his mom, and his siblings and we kind of shared in with our close-knit family. Going into month 10 and 11, that's sort of when we started to take things more seriously. Technically, most doctors and fertility doctors will not take you in for appointments until you've hit one

year of not getting pregnant. Ace and I were like one month away from one year when we scheduled all of our fertility clinic appointments. So we went in, he got his blood drawn, I got my blood drawn, we did all these blood panel tests blood panel tests to check and make sure my hormones, my thyroid, my egg reserve, my this, that, and the other were all good. And he went and got tested not only his blood, but he did other tests as well. I don't know what I'm

allowed to say on YouTube without getting flagged, but like we'll just call him perm. He went and got a perm test and checking all that. So his testosterone checked out, things like that all checked out. Everything looked healthy for him and everything looked perfectly healthy for me, which kind of left us with a giant like, well where do we go from here? Like it's obviously not working. What do we do now? And it was really important to both of us and I've seen a lot of comments on my Instagram post about this and I think it's really important that I mention this on this

video. It was really important to both of us that it was not only me that was getting checked, but also Asa. I feel like there's a weird stereotype to where women automatically take fault for not getting pregnant and I think we're hard on ourselves and we think it's our problem. It is not always the woman's body. It can sometimes be the man. And I had weirdly a lot of people say to me like, well have you gotten checked? I'm like, it should be have y'all gotten checked.

Have you two gotten checked? Have both of you gotten checked? So me and Asa felt like it was really important that both of us went in. So we tag teamed it. We went to two different doctors.

We got all of our tests done and the initial tests came back fine. Testosterone and everything. Asa went to a follow-up appointment and in this follow-up appointment, we discovered that he has something called varicose vein. You can Google that, because I don't know the technical like way

to describe a varicose vein, but we discovered he has a varicose vein that could have potentially been impacting the quality of his, don't know if I can say the word, per impacting the quality of that. And that is where we're at today So we're currently trying to take further tests to see what could potentially be wrong and what's being damaged

From what we can tell he was diagnosed with a grade 3 varicose vein from what we can tell all Arrows point to that being the problem. We don't know for sure We have some more tests to do but if those tests come back saying that that is an issue We will then have to go to surgery. He will go into an outpatient surgery, which would remove that vein, and that will hopefully prevent any more damage from happening. And there are lots and lots of cases of people getting varicose veins removed for fertility and them succeeding

in getting pregnant right after. I wish I had answers in this video. I wish I could be like and that was it and then we got pregnant But I'm not pregnant and that's not it. And do we know the firm answer? No, and I feel like that's a pretty common thing for most people who've gone through fertility issues for us We are hopeful that we'll be able to figure it out in the next couple months But we will see and when I know I will update you guys now that this is all out in the open I'll try and be more open about talking about this. So that's where we're at. And then because things started to get more serious and

look like they were heading towards surgery, I finally thought it's probably time now to share with everyone about what's been going on. One other thing that I experienced, which I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this, was I started in the middle of this journey like probably month six to have dreams about my future kids like they seemed so real it just made that desire of wanting to have a baby and wanting that joy in my life and mine and Asa's life so visceral I can't tell you guys like

anyone who's not maybe you're single maybe you're young maybe you don't want to have kids. I was in the same boat. I was not sure that I wanted kids and this feeling of like it hitting me was like all of a sudden I want kids really bad. I want a beautiful baby and having these dreams about my kids I felt like I knew them. Like I would wake up and be sad because I didn't have them in my life and I knew like I could see what that joy was gonna feel like and what that child was gonna be like. It was like going through a grief process and I know that sounds silly but like it felt like

it has felt because we still don't have a child on the way It has felt like there is something missing There is some body missing in our life that is supposed to be here. I just keep taking comfort and Knowing that like the right time will come when we're supposed to have a baby we will I'm not gonna lie That's like the worst thing ever to hear when you're going through something like this and someone's like, your time will come.

I'm like, okay, why couldn't my time have been like a year ago? Like, it is not the easiest thing to hear, I'll be honest. Other things that have happened in the process of this that I feel like I want to say. I think that this is a good reminder to people to not assume anything about somebody or that you know what's going on in their life because there have been a lot of different rumors and videos and speculation about

me secretly being pregnant or just things like that a lot of comments and a lot of questions and I've tried to have a really good attitude about it because I know that just means people are excited and I'm excited. I want a baby too. I do. I really, really want a baby. So I'm trying to have a good attitude, but I do think it is a kind of a good reminder to everyone to not assume things about people because you never know what they're going through. And it definitely did not make this process any easier. Seeing like the search bars on TikTok being Bailey McKnight pregnancy announcement,

Bailey McKnight secret pregnancy, Bailey McKnight baby was tough. I'm not even gonna lie. I'm just gonna cut it to you straight, it was hard. Normally I would just play it off and just pretend like nothing happened.

But since we're just being out in the open in this video, it was, it was really difficult for me. I know that putting myself online, I should expect that, but maybe just don't next time and save someone the heartache of being asked that a million times when they're going through something like this. It's been rough. I have felt like myself in a long time. I wish this video would end positively. Unfortunately, I don't have good news today and I'm just excited for the day when

this will be over. I know it'll all be worth it and I know my time is coming and I'm just excited for the day when this will be over. I know it'll all be worth it, and I know my time is coming, and I'm just waiting for the day when that test says positive. I just wanna say thank you to everyone who sent kind messages after posting my Instagram posts, and I'm hoping this video wasn't just me rambling

for 30-something minutes, but that it maybe helped somebody feel less alone in the emotions they're feeling or the things that they're going through. Or maybe if you haven't even began this journey or you've never even thought about kids, we'll give you some insight as to what some of us might be going through.

And thanks guys for just sticking it out with me. Weirdly, I feel like we're family. Like I know you guys are here for me. Like I know you guys are here for me. I know that you guys are hoping that we get pregnant too.