No Kings Rallies Can’t Stop CPAC's Trump Glazing & Iran War Hits One Month | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Great show for you tonight. Later on, I will be speaking with civil liberties attorney Cindy Cohn.

She's here today.

We're going to discuss her new book about digital privacy, and then she will show me how to post a close friends story.

we will conclude by blowing up and completely obliterating all of their electric generating plants, oil wells, and Carg Island.

Better open that strait or we're going to blow you up. More than we already blew you up, we're going to double blow you up. We're going to blow you up! We're gonna blow you up! That's where we are at in our war. Trump is threatening to escalate our bombing campaign unless Iran opens the strait that they closed in response to Trump's bombing campaign.

I believe we've entered what General Patton used to refer to as the human centipede portion of the war. I urge you not to look that up. And I understand why the world would like the Strait of Hormuz open.

The conflict is disrupting global supply chains for other surprising and essential products.

Grain, nuts, oil, saffron, dates.

Paddles and pickle balls.

Yeah, I'm not sure how that snuck into the essential product store. We all make sacrifices in wartime. My dearest Eliza, it's been over a month since I've played, well, not tennis, kind of like tennis. It's more like, like baby tennis. It's like, well, it's bigger than ping pong. You really have to try it, Eliza.

It's so fun.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Acting. That was acting. Uh, what else is being blocked?

It's getting harder to get food that comes with pistachios.

You can't make Dubai chocolate bars.

Oh no! What will our influencers stand in line to pretend to eat? Dubai chocolate, my god, that's been an American staple for tens of days. I can't believe how the news has to frame world events to try and make Americans care. The whole region is being flattened. Innocent people are dying. Their food and fuel are in total chaos. And our news is like, if this goes on any longer, say goodbye to your stuffed crust pizza.

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Are Americans losing anything else? It turns out there is another key material

being affected by the war in Iran, fertilizer.

There could be helium shortages. Yes, the gas that's used in party balloons. What the f**k?

Helium is a fundamental gas used in the production of advanced chip technology. You don't have to dumb it down to make us. Oh, this war could be even bad for your promposals. Like, come on. For more on how the closing of the straight of hormones is affecting Americans, we go live to Ronnie Chang, Jordan Klepper, and Michael Kosta,

who are on the ground right now in the Strait of Hormuz. Gentlemen, thanks for joining us.

You know what I'm gonna do? Ronnie. Ronnie Chang, Ronnie, I'm gonna start with you. Uh, what's the latest?

Well, John, the latest is the Iranians think they can just close the Strait of Hormuz and stop us from eating pistachios. Well, I got a message for them from America.

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They can come and get these nuts out of my mouth.

That's right.

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That's right, John. That's right, John. And I also have a message. I just want to add that if the Ayatollah thinks he's going to stop Americans from getting our supply of helium, well then I've got one thing to say. You pussy pitchers can come get it out of my mouth. That's amazing.

And Jordan Klepper.

Yes, John.

What do you have? Is there anything else that the straight is affecting? Yes, fertilizer shortage. affecting? Uh, yes. Uh, fertilizer, uh, shortage.

Uh, back to you, John.

-♪♪

Is there any message that you want to send about the fertilizer shortage?

Oh, yeah, John, sure. Uh, big one. If you think you're gonna take our fertilizer, well, you're gonna have to come and take it from my hands, John. But your hand? What the f***? Eat it! Yeah, Jordan, I got no problem sending a message, all right? Hey yo, these nuts don't run! I'm not taking a bite. I just

killed 10 million brain cells for America.

Take a bite.

No, I don't want to take a bite, okay?

I mean, Jordan, the other guys are making the ayatollah take things from their mouth.

I mean...

It does feel like you might not be as patriotic.

I-I don't know what putting these things

in our mouths proves, John.

Yeah, it proves that we have the resolve

to do what we have to. We die for the cause. They had luxury foods and party balloons. This is literally processed shit. I mean, the-the train is disrupting baklava. Can I have baklava? Let me do baklava. Just eat it, you baby.

No, I don't want to eat it.

If you don't, Iran wins.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you want Iran to win or Donald Trump?

Are those my only choices?

Eat it. Eat it. No. No. No. come on! Come on! Okay, okay, okay!

Eat it! Oh! Oh! Oh! You're happy now?

You're happy?

Come and get it, A-Rod! Take the shit out of my mouth! Oh, yuck! Yuck!

Disgusting.

You know what?

You know what? You know what? In a way, this is a metaphor. Because as Americans in this quagmire with no end in sight, we are all eating shit.

-♪♪♪ Whoo! -♪♪♪

-♪♪♪

Yeah, but you did it for real. Yeah, but it's still for real. Yeah, it's disgusting. Thank you guys.

Ronny Chieng, Michael Kosta, and Jordan Klepper, everybody. Good report. Good report. Now, meanwhile, and I thank them all three for that brave reporting that they've done. Meanwhile back in the home front, this weekend offered stark images, articulating our nation's deep political divide, as eight to nine million people

took to the streets for the No Kings protest.

Yeah, they did it. While...

a slightly smaller group of, let's call them heritage Americans, took to the Reagan meeting room 1A on the second floor for their yes kings rally. If you want an object

lesson on what a strong commander-in-chief looks like take a look at the current resident of the Oval Office President Donald J Trump. What

he's been able to do in one year is truly remarkable. Great president,

greatest president my lifetime. That guy is an energizer bunny.

We'll never get another president like Donald Trump, never, and that's why it's important that we do everything that we can to try to get him reelected.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm sorry, that's Reverend Franklin Graham saying, praise the Lord and f-ck the Constitution.'" Now, look, far be it for me to question the wisdom of this year's CPAC convention, but clearly, the vibes this year were slightly off.

How many of you would like to see impeachment hearings?

No.

That was the wrong answer. That's a rookie crowd work mistake, Schlapp. See, they cheered for Trump's impeachment, not realizing that you were calling for the counter. But that's on you. Crowds are like dogs. They react to tone. You can get them excited about anything. Who wants to go to the vet? Who wants to get their balls cut off? Yes, you do.

Oh, you do?

Oh, they love it, see?

See, in Trump land, old Donald didn't let something as trivial as a war keep him from doing his rounds at the golf course and at a Saudi investment meeting in Miami because, God forbid, during a war, he let the precipice of World War III yuck his yum in any way. That was Trump's weekend. And I find it so astounding that this nuclear-armed man-baby doesn't seem to have any understanding of the confusion and anxiety that his ill-planned adventure in Iran

is causing this country. He's just trucking along like it's any old episode of The Apprentice. Here is Trump last night on Air Force One. Watch him try and focus for more than two sentences on the war he started before veering off into what really matters.

It truly is regime change. And regime change is an imperative, but I think we have it automatically. I did something today. We just got these in from the architects. A lot of people are talking about how beautiful the ballroom is. For 150 years, they've wanted to build a ballroom at the White House.

Here's another view. This is coming from right opposite the Treasury Building. Here's a view on the south with the porch. This is a view of it from the north, and there'll be Corinthian, which is considered the best, most beautiful by far.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

I know what you're thinking. How do you get something that size on a plane? But I guess he's allowed. It's his emotional support ballroom picture. Now you may say, well, what prompted this presentation about the ballroom?

Well, it turns out this incredibly long-winded visual aid-assisted timeshare presentation What prompted this presentation about the ballroom?

Well, it turns out this incredibly long-winded visual aid-assisted timeshare presentation was spurred by a critical New York Times article that had the gall to suggest that sometimes Trump's plans don't hold up to scrutiny.

The Times had architects analyze plans for the ballroom. They pointed out design flaws like staircases that seemed to lead nowhere.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, OK, woke New York Times. When MC Escher does that, it's art. Oh, but you put it on an actual building and suddenly it's,

this doesn't make any sense.

And I appear to be trapped. For the ballroom, Trump will pull an all-nighter for a point-by-point rebuttal. For the war, he literally doesn't have the focus to answer one question about the dire consequences of his actions on his favorite network.

I think it is alarming that we have not been able to see or hear from any of the Iranian people and I think there is some general worry about them. Do you have any insight as to how they are doing? Do they have drinking water? Do they have food?

Wow, straightforward question. It asks the president to put himself in the shoes of those purportedly we're trying to liberate and the suffering they may be going through. The Iranian people are hurting, sir.

Do they have food?

Right, I do.

It's upsetting.

I do. But first, you remember when we had lunch years ago in the base of Trump Tower when

it was a brand new building?

So the point is, the Iranians might not have food, but you remember you and I about 12, 13 years ago had a club sandwich? Remember that?

That's a long time ago, yes.

A long time ago, and you haven't changed. You have not changed. Had a club sandwich, remember that? It's a long time ago, yes.

Long time ago, and you haven't changed. You have not changed. Now, I'm not allowed to say this. It's the end of my political career, but you may be even better looking, okay?

So I don't know what you're doing. But I will not say that.

Fox hair and makeup has a lot to do with that.

I will not say that because that will end my political career. You're not allowed to say a woman's beautiful anymore. You know, it's funny, Dana. Your question about the suffering of the Iranian people has somehow made me horny. I don't know why. I just you ask me, do they have food? Do they have water? And the whole time, I'm thinking, like,

what a piece of ass. What a delightful piece of ass you are. You remember that, Dana? Remember how I made you uncomfortable at lunch?

You remember?

I do that. I do that a lot to women.

I make them uncomfortable. What was your question?

I don't remember your question. The war, other than the occasional tweet, doesn't seem to occupy any space in Trump's brain. And by the way, not just for TV, on Friday, he addressed a room full of Saudi investors, who you would think might be very concerned

about the bombings in their neighborhood. But he wants to let them know, we don't have to talk about that at all.

I am asked to take a few questions, and unlike other politicians, they would like the questions screened. I don't ask for screening of the questions. You can ask me anything you want. You can talk sex.

You can do whatever the hell you want. We can ask about sex. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Whose name is that? Is that your f***ing name? Whose name is that? Or you meant like general sex sh**?

Like love line sh**?

Sorry.

You know, honestly,

his leering behavior is less commander in chief at war and more grandpa who's lost his filter in public. Instead of assuaging a nervous nation, he's just embarrassing the whole family at dinner going, hey, do you see our waitress is a busty one, huh? Just like your grandma was.

But like any good monarchy, Trump's loyal henchmen assure you that it's really the opposite of everything you're seeing.

He has encyclopedic molecular knowledge. I was on the airplane with him and we were sitting across the table from each other. We started talking about Syria, and he got a placemat, and he turned it on its back, and then he took a Sharpie, and he drew a perfect map of the Mideast. And then he put the troop strength of every country

on every border on that map.

Has anyone thought about filming that? Let us see that because that's not what we see. What we see is a president four weeks into a war he has yet to fully explain with objectives he has yet to fully define only displaying molecular knowledge in a cabinet meeting of his own pen preferences.

So I came here, they have $1,000 pens. And you know, you hand pens out, you're signing it, you're handing them out, you're handing them out to all these people. Beautiful pen, ballpoint. 1,000 of them, gold, silver.

I'm handing out to kids that don't even know what they are. What is this, mommy? So I take it out, and I saw it, and there's no ink. And I got all you people looking, and you say, there must be something wrong with the pen right here. This pen is an interesting example. It's the same thing.

Here's what I called the guy. I said, I'd like to use your pen, but it can't have a gray thing with a big S on it. Saint Sharpie. He said, what can you do? He said, I'll paint it black, sir, if you like. In gold. Almost real gold.

That's a cabinet meeting during a f*****g war. Don't tell us what to use to draw the map. Just draw the f*****g map! You know, all we keep hearing from this administration is why the American people have to sacrifice for Trump's vision of America's greatness.

That these temporary disruptions are just part of the process. And why can't we be patriots? We have to be patient. We have to suck it up. Whether it's high gas prices or whimsical tariff inflation or draconian ICE rates or temporary Bill of Rights suspensions.

It's on us to understand. But Trump gets to be just the same old, ain't I a stinker? Utterly self-absorbed, remember when I used to want to f**k hot girls, twat self.

Can you imagine any other president, let alone a wartime president, being this f**king indulgent?

And there were $1,000 apiece. Beautiful pen, ballpoint. 1,000. It was gold, silver, gorgeous. But I'm handing it out to kids that don't even know what they're... What is this, mommy? These kids, they're getting a pen for $1,000.

They have no idea what it is.

-$1,000.

Now, to be fair to Trump, Penn Technology was, at FDR's time, quite primitive. But Trump is the guy you want to be your king. That's who you want.

It's important that we do everything that we can to try to get him re-elected.

Really? This is the guy you'll break the Constitution for. The American monarchy begins with this guy.

And did it.

This is the line we face in this country. No kings versus kings. But a word of caution. Generally, with monarchies, the first guy is the best guy. It's the guy that's so good, it makes the people want a king. A Charlemagne.

An Alexander. A Ralph.

LAUGHTER

But pretty soon, corruption and inbreeding take their toll on the monarchy and turn your king into this guy. Old Charles II. Yeah, that's his real head. He liked cheese. It was his favorite food. So go ahead. But just understand, Old Charles II. Yeah, that's his real head. He liked cheese. It was his favorite food. So go ahead. But just understand, we're starting a lot closer to Charles than Charlemagne.