Our Aunts Host The Podcast | Smosh Mouth 143

Teresa.Mother Teresa.

Oh, it's Mother's Day.

And who better than Mother Teresa?It's Mother's Day, which is always a joyful day for me. I don't have children, but I think I would have been a great mother.I just adopted cats in Key West.

All right, here we go.

Are we ready?All right.All right.So someone comes in and talks to us?I guess so.I mean, nobody was in the room and now people are filtering in.

They look a little scared.

So many cameras around me.So many cameras.Are all of these recording?Someone take a selfie.

Do all of these record?Yes.

And you upload this straight to Facebook?Oh God.So my favorite thing is watching everything on Facebook.So if it's not on Facebook, it doesn't exist.You know what I'm saying?Except if it's on Netflix.

Does this go on Netflix?

No.

I'm constantly surprised.

that Jesus does so much on Facebook, but you don't see him anywhere else.

It's because it's really God doing it.So God is actually, you know, the backbone of Facebook.Right.Right.Right.

Anyways.Anyways, so I think normally, I've only seen clips of this show.Oh yeah, I've seen their skits.My nephew Shane does this show and he usually says hi, welcome.

He's a sweet boy.

He's sweet.

My beautiful niece, she looks like the sunshine.She's a goddess in woman's clothing.You know what I'm saying like that?Her name is Amanda Leehan Canto.So Leehan's actually her father's last name.Oh really?

And Canto's our last name.I'm Teresa Canto.Hi, how are you?How you doing?Oh, and I'm Sandy Topp.Yeah, so Sandy and I actually, we met each other on the road, which is crazy.

We found out we were both coming to visit for Mother's Day.Big studio.Yeah.What's going on?I heard they moved to a new studio.I thought, you know, I didn't know.

that my nephew did much of this entertainment stuff.I knew he'd done it in acting.I heard a long time ago, you know.

I thought she did, I thought she did, I thought she did plays.I thought she did like a children's theater type play where, you know, they, they, they, they have you come to your birthday house and you do a birthday play.

When they come to your, when they come to your house, I heard that like, like do cat on a hot tin roof for 10 year olds.

Well, I heard that they do, uh, they do a hot, hot, hot tin on a cat roof.And they do, um...And then they do, uh, I think she does, she's done Phantom of the Opera.And I think that's what she's doing out here.But then I see this place and I'm like, wait a second, what's going on with this place?And then I noticed that she's not doing a play.

She's talking.

I think they're doing more like Dateline here.Cause this is more of a Dateline set up.

Have you seen the most recent one with Keith Morrison?

With the Keith Morrison.

Oh my God.Light of my life.I saw this one and I was like, who did it?It's clearly, it's clearly the husband.So it was a cruise ship.That's my biggest fear is getting pushed off a cruise ship.

cruise ship and being in international waters, and then they can't find the killer, but it's always the husband.

I know.That's not a fear I have because I can swim so strongly.

You can?

Teresa, you have no idea.Growing up, I've lived in Key West for decades now, and I am basically half mahi -mahi.

Oh wait, a mahi -mahi fish.The one like in Kauai, Hawaii.

They're also there.They're all over the place.I love a mahi -mahi.Oh, it's so delicious.You ever had mahi -mahi tacos?Oh yes, of course I've had.

So here's the deal with me.You know, what's really weird is that I catch fish all the time.You know, I'm catching, you know, bay scallops and stuff like that, you know, but I also love to eat it too.

And I'm the same way.I love to catch snapper, grouper.Oh, you know what?If I was a fish, you know what I would be if I was a fish?A jellyfish.A what?

A jellyfish.because, you know, I'm good to look at, but if you get close, I'm going to wrap my legs around you and sting you to shit.

A woman of war.

That's exactly what I say.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

We're so similar.

We have a lot in common.So what's great about, you know, Sandy and I, uh, we, we, we, we met each other in Indiana and, uh, you know, we, we did this road trip together to see our niece and nephew.

We found out we both connected on Facebook beforehand.

Oh yeah.Lots of messages.

Cause I think we were both maybe in some group.I think we're in a group of fan page for Spongebob.You're a fan page.Um, Shane can get it.Shane can get it.And I think, you know what?

And I thought we were talking about awards.Yeah, of course.And more work.

He can get an Emmy.

He can get it.

And also, I was looking for a fan page for Armando, but they just said, Big Feet.Love that.You know?And I was like, oh, Big Feet, I love that too.Because, you know, Big Feet, bigger shoes.Right.

You know, you get more bang for your buck.

Absolutely.

Yeah, of course, of course.

Yeah, and they're looking for that.I think that's what they're looking for in Hollywood now.It's Big Feet.

Well, good for me. I put my puppies out.

I know, and everybody can see them.

Well, you know, I like to wear socks on the beach, which is, you know, kind of weird.People think that's kind of weird.weird because when I take off my socks, there's a lot of sand that comes out.

That's okay.Add weight to it.

Yeah.

Train for a marathon.

So when you take them off, you run really fast.You know what?You know what's crazy?You know what's crazy?You know what's crazy?I actually have never done a marathon.

Oh, you could, you could crush because I think you only have to take a few steps and you're already past a mile.

Oh God, you're hilarious.That's the fun thing about Sandy is she's just like a nephew.Very funny.

Very funny.I know.I should do comedy.I used to, Sometimes at Margaritaville, they would just leave the microphone out and I'd go up and I would just start talking and people would be laughing so hard.

Oh, I bet, yeah.

And I thought, you know, I could do stand -up.

Oh, I heard that stand -up is actually kind of a little different.

lonely a lonely game Well, yeah, cuz you're up there by yourself You don't have anybody else with you as opposed to a band you got you got all the people in the band That are all there with you.

I I once saw this band.It was so good It was a Pink Floyd cover band Dark Side of the Moon is what they were playing and I was Dark Side of the Moon is one of my favorite songs Because it's very mysterious.Yeah, and it was $1 oysters and It was One Dollar Oysters and it was Dark Side of the Moon.And I was like, wait a second, would you guys ever need a female singer?And they said, not right now, we're not looking.But I thought, you know, I would love to be a singer.

So I don't know if I never pursued a singing career.Did you ever pursue a stand -up career?

I never pursued a stand -up.I never really did it because they weren't looking for that at Margaritaville.They were looking for dancers.Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.And I was a dancer at Margaritaville.Oh, good for you.

The Margaritaville, the Margarita Senoritas.And the rule was we were only allowed to speak Spanish.Oh, como estas, me viene, too.And see, I don't speak Spanish, so I was silent the whole time.Oh, you know what?I never spoke a word.

Oh my goodness.But I danced, so that's all that they needed.

Oh, of course.Dancers don't need to talk.You know, it's funny.You should have mentioned that, because I actually do have a CD in the car, in the rental car, that is all Spanish.

I noticed that.You were playing that.And I thought, over a little bit of time, I thought, I was like, I'm going to start picking this up.OK, so hola.Hola.Correct.

OK, and I got it.So well done.And what if we did this whole podcast in Spanish?You know, they need to do that.Oh my God, that's an excellent idea.

You should pitch that to Shane.

I will, I will.I've been messaging him all over the place, but I think maybe it's, maybe I thought his Facebook account, he doesn't, he doesn't respond.

Oh, you know, what's crazy is I, yeah.and I've been, I've been trying, I've been posting pictures of Amanda on my wall.Right.And then I'm commenting on those pictures below because if you tag a picture of them and you put it on your Facebook wall and then you comment below, they, they, it's, it's a private, that's a private message.

It's completely private.I send a whole entire letters So when someone comments, I make sure to respond like hi Dale good to see you good to hear from you I hope you and the family are doing well Yeah, and then I give them a whole explanation of what my life's been like.Oh good.

Yeah, it's Correspondence now, you know, you were talking a little bit in the car that your your life is going pretty well My life is going so good for you.

Yeah, Key West has been just an absolute dream.I live I live in an old house The salt water is starting to tear away at it and but that's kind of of the gorgeous thing about it.

I get it.

I make puka shell necklaces that I sell.And I saw that you make them too.And I thought, you know, that's so funny.You're up in a beach miles away.We've never connected.

Oh, yeah.So I'm in I'm in I'm in Sandwich, Massachusetts.It's actually one of the oldest.

Is that where they is that where they made?Is that where it was invented?A sandwich sandwich?Yes.Wow.

Yes, so they invented a ham and cheese first to start.Oh, that's so fascinating.And you know what's crazy is a settler came in and said, what if we do turkey and pepper jack cheese?And everyone started freaking out.

Ugh.Can you believe it?I can't believe that at all.It was crazy.

What a mysterious, whimsical past.It's been around since the 1600s.There's an old house there called the Hoxie House.It's been around since 1654.And there's this great place that I go to and you can make puka shell necklaces.The only thing is, okay, I didn't catch this one.

So my son, Ricky, did.So he goes, he caught the puka.Yeah, he caught the puka.

Ferocious creatures.

Oh, you do not understand the monster that's living in puka shells.

People only see the shell.They do not see the monster.

People do not see the monster.So Ricky, Ricky manhandled this puka.And, you know, we got the puka out and of course we ate it.So you fry it up with a little blood sausage, a little white wine, a little clam sauce, and then you eat it.But, uh, you know, he had, he, my son, listen, I love my son, but he is a f****** monster.dumbass, all right?

He's a good kid, but he doesn't know left from right, right?A to B. He doesn't understand it.One to five.He's not actually dumb, but he's just, he's just - A good heart, though.He's a good heart, but I'm like, Ricky, you know, turn off the lights in the car.The car's still running.

You came in and went to bed.Ricky, shut the window.You're going to get a cold.Ricky, why are your shoes out in the rain, you dumbass?I know.So anyways, and he leaves the outdoor shower door open all the time, so, you know, raccoons can - Outdoor shower?

Yeah.Oh, that's so fascinating.

We actually do have those in Key West, obviously.I don't have an outdoor shower in my house.

Oh, no, no, no, Sandy.All right, so an outdoor shower.It's actually very, very, very, very nice.So you put it, okay, you build an outdoor shower.Listen to this.

I'm actually gonna change your whole life.I'm so excited.Now, is this what podcasting's all about?

Of course.You talk about your most intimate details, and then you give advice on how to build things.

I build an outdoor shower.

Yeah, so you get wood from whoever.

Okay, I know a guy.A driftwood?Yes!Yes!Because I go out snorkeling, and they used to have these watchtowers out, where Ernest Hemingway used to write his books.And you can find the driftwood underneath the ocean.

Wait a second.

Ernest Hemingway wrote his books in P -Town, on the dunes.

In where?P -Town?Well, he also wrote some books in Key West, because Old Man and the Sea is alsoKey West.I don't know his other books.Well, it's close to Cuba, which is 90 miles away.

Sometimes I'd swim over there.Anyways, he wrote, you know, but he told, well, I know his ghost.

Okay, okay.

Ernest Hemingway's ghost is all over Key West.Wait a second.You cannot avoid him.Now, I know he died in Idaho, but his ghost traveled all across the country, all the way back.So, Ernest Hemingway.Ernest Hemingway, From Whom the Bell Tolls, Farewell to Arms, The Sun Also Rises.

I've only read a couple books.What books?The Bible.Okay, good.It's a big book.And every book written by Nancy Grace.

Oh, Nancy Grace is one of my favorite, but also, you know what I love?What's wicked good is I love Patricia Cornwell.Do you know who Patricia Cornwell?She writes the Scott Pettis series.Oh, I don't think I know that.It's about a coroner.

It's about a coroner who's investigating bodies.A coroner?A coroner.A corner.Oh a corner like like down on the corner where I get my sandwich.No, no, no No, no, no, don't be razzing me.

No, I'm talking about a corner.They do forensics files.So so there's a body and a corner comes in.So the corner comes in and they, you know, dissect the body and they go, okay strangulation.He's dead.Yeah.

Well, of course.Yeah, they actually are the number one who does the death penalty.So the Scott Petters series is about a coroner who dissects the bodies.And what's crazy, Patricia Cornwell writes these books, very good.Nicole Kidman is actually doing a show called Scott Petters.

I love her so much.She's excellent.She's very good.They don't ever kiss the bodies, do they?I hope not.

Well, I don't know.I mean, Patricia Cornwell doesn't touch on it.

But you know what?

Between you and me, can we turn off the mics for one second?

Can we not record this for a second?

Between you and me, I think that they do kiss the bodies.I think that's how they determine the time of death.So they put their mouth to their lips, I mean.

And they count.

Yeah, of course.

Or they suck out the last bit of oxygen that was in there.

Well, you know, they suck out the spirit.

Yeah, they eat the spirits.Oh, well, that's how they keep surviving.That's why when I die, I say, you know, don't let anybody know.Just take me to the beach.Just drift me off.Same.

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Should we go back to the show or should we go grab brunch?

Am I right?

Yeah.back to the show.

You know what I want to do?I want to be buried deep in the sand and I want them to do a clam bake over me.Oh.I want to be buried deep.I want them to set up the wood and I want my whole family to feast on lobsters and clams and shrimp and scallops and bay scallops, seasoning, a little potato, a little blood sausage, and I want to be underneath it.So I want to be the fire that's burning through the food.

Oh, that's just so romantic.And then they eat and they pop open, you know, bottles.I love a Kim Crawford.

Yeah.

I love a mum.A mum's sparkling is for very good times.A Vouv if you're very, if you're very fancy.

Oh, I love a Vouv.

Yeah.

So I want a clambake in my honor.Is that custom in New Jersey?

You know what?

It's not.Sandwich?

Sandwich is in Cape Cod.So you get over Bourne Bridge.There's Martha's Vineyard.You go to Falmouth.And then Sandwich is like the oldest town there.And then you got Chatham, Provincetown, Highwich.

And so have you done a clambake burial for someone before?

You know what?One of my exes wanted to do it and we decided No.

After he passed?

His body wasn't in good shape, so we didn't want that.

It would affect the clam.

Yeah, we didn't want that.

You have to kind of be pristine.

You have to think about the food first.

Right.

You know, it's important that the lobster's the right temp.But you know what, we sang a song in his honor.

That's so lovely.

But we burned him to a crisp on the top of a mountain.

The mountains of Massachusetts.

Yeah, so it's not actually a mountain, it's a cliff.Okay.Yeah, so it's overlooking the ocean.

That's lovely.

Do you have cliffs in Key West?

We do not, we don't have cliffs.It's only two square miles of sand there.Now other, there's so many Keys now, and I've, I have had my fair share of stories in all the Keys.Key Largo, Key,

Oh, like that song.

Key Largo, Montego.Are they going to kill us if we do that?Oh, I've heard...

They can come and f***ing try.I called Shane once and I said, you should sing songs.

He picked up?He picked up.Oh my God.Well, what I was doing is I was changing my number around.so that I would make it look like it was...Oh, did you do Star 6 -7?

I did Star 6 -7.

Good for you.That's the only way to get them to pick up the phone.

And so I tricked him.And so he picked up and I said, this is Sandy.And he couldn't hang up then because then he would feel bad.He's a guilty little...

He seems like a little p***y.

Oh, he's an absolute little p***y.

Yeah, he seems like a guilt ridden boy.

Totally little p***y.

Yeah, he seems like a p***y.

And and I and I started talking to him about I just giving him tips like an ant does of course and I said They need us.

Oh, they absolutely our advice isn't what they do without us.No, seriously.I mean who are they gonna call?

I'm shocked.

He's managing and I don't understand how that boy dresses himself.

It seems like he cries every five minutes I know and he just kind of sad to me. I know he looks sometimes he looks like if the Pillsbury Doughboy tried to wear jeans.Oh my god, and I'm just like what are you doing?

I don't even know how those jeans fit his body.I don't so you know I was thinking what's what's wicked weird is that it's like his body are too big tall like Trees like trunks, and then how does he put you know?

It's like he has no curves whatsoever right except in his arms kind of just a pillar He's just a pillar just like a like a one of those old Greek pillars.

He's yeah.He's like a Greek one just But not in the main museum, like in the back room.

Right, right.Not in a good way.

No, no, no.In a bad way.No, like when I went to Greece, I was like, whoa, there's so many statues here, but there's a back room.

Where the stuff that Michelangelo kind of gave up on.

Yeah, he half -finished it.And that's kind of like what Shane is to me.He's like a half -finished, you know, thing.I agree.But he seems like something I could, you know, get to know.I hope he's nice to my niece.

He seems like he's nice to her sometimes.

He seems okay.I think he's definitely shy.I think he's still figuring out how to talk a little bit.I love that they gave him this show clearly as a bit of an exercise for him to learn how to converse.

It seems like a test.

Because he just doesn't seem like he knows.But I told him, I was like, you should sing more songs on the podcast.And I think people would like to listen because people mostly when they're - Is he a songbird?People drive, they're wanting to listen to songs.He's not a songbird.Oh, goodness gracious.

I don't even think, I don't know what he listens to.

I don't know how he got this job because, you know, my sweet niece, you know, she's a songbird.She's a dancer.She's an erotic dancer sometimes is what I actually heard.She stopped doing that, of course, for the part.

And I did that myself.

Margaritaville.Sanji, shut your mouth.Are you joking?

Margaritaville Senoritas.

No way.Were you wearing those big -ass heels?You know, those six -inch heels?

Massive heels.

Talk to me about that.

How hard was it?It was incredibly hard.Now, they were six -inch heels on top of the fact that they were also platform shoes.So they were massive.Okay, okay.They were basically, we called them boardwalks.

Oh, God.

Nothing better than a boardwalk.

A boardwalk shoe.And so it was massive.Made me look like a giant.And now our whole bit was that we'd love to go up and down stairs.The senorita's love to go up and down stairs.That was our whole thing.

Actually, it was less dancing, more like skittering up and down stairs.

So you were just going up and down the stairs to a beat of the music?

To the beat of the music.We would also have trays of food that we would bring to people's tables.Oh my God, that's hot.And so we were doing that.

Your quads were lit up.

Yeah, and it was a lot.

And people fell, people died.People died.We lost most of the seniors.

They passed during Oh my God.Oh my God.

It was a hard, hard work.You know what?

Death comes to you so fast sometimes when you're doing what you love to do.It really happens so fast.That's really sad.They had no railings at Margaritaville.Back in the 80s when we were doing this, they didn't have railings on the second floor, on the stairways, so if you tripped and you fell, you fell.

You were done.Concrete.

concrete.Yeah.Concrete.And if you didn't die, they'd make sure that they would let you lay there and they would let it happen.

Well, because they, you know, that's a lawsuit on their hands.If you fall and you don't die.

They can't because if they try to resuscitate you.

Then you get the money.That's on them.Do you think anyone has fallen on purpose to kind of get, you know, the, the, the, Oh no, no.Okay.

That makes sense.I tried to save some of them.

How did you try to save them?

Well, as I remember once, uh, Maria, she fell off and I tried to grab her hand and I was holding her hand, but I remember we were only allowed to speak in Spanish and so I couldn't say anything.And she was saying Spanish to me and I didn't know if she was saying, if she was saying, if she was saying to save her or let her go, I don't know the Spanish words for those things.so I just let her go.I had to assume that she was saying let her go.

Did she ever use the words por favor?

Yes.

So is that save me?It's please.So I'm assuming she probably said save me.

She was saying, or let me go, please.

Or like, let me go, please.Yeah, of course.

We don't know.We'll never know.

Well, yeah, let me go, please.She probably wanted some independence.She's probably like, if I'm going to die, I'm going to do it by myself.That's what I would want.I would never want someone to save me at a death.

Let me save myself.Give me a Viking funeral, you know?I'm an independent woman.I can save myself.Absolutely.

You know, when we went on this road trip, I was like, you know, I wasn't sure.I'm going to be completely honest.I don't know what to say.know squat about the keys.Right.I know that it's, you know, I know that was salt to see over here, but I thought, you know what, we're going in with one purpose in mind.

And I'm glad because I can't see at night when I drive, you know, these glasses, uh, you know, there's nothing in here, nothing.

Right.

So I was struggling.

So I was glad that you could drive the rental car at night, but you know, and I don't have a license, but I just, I knew that I could just go for it.I knew that, and I trusted, and how hard can it be, you know?Because I could drive a boat.I had my boating license my whole life.

Oh, of course.It's easy to get a boating license.

If you can drive a boat, you can drive a car.

You drive a boat.Just don't hit rocks, and don't hit another boat, and don't hit a swimmer.Exactly.That's all the rules are.It's not hard.And I feel like that's no different in a car.

No, agreed.

Don't hit the side.

Don't hit rocks.Don't hit an oncoming truck.

Don't hit another boat.

But you know what was crazy is, so we started in Indiana, and then we were going to California.And what was great, I love that we stopped in Louisiana.

Oh, we had a time.That was nice.French quarter.

Oh, French quarter.

We drank so many grenades.

Oh my God.And then we got, you know, and then we, we, we got dancing and we were in that cemetery for a long time.

A long time.And I can remember.We slept there.And, and don't you forget, here's the thing that people don't know.We see ghosts.

Oh, yeah.

We see ghosts.

So podcast people and Facebook and Facebook Marketplace, you know, we see ghosts.

So Sandy and I.I see everybody here is doubting that.Do you know what's crazy?And that's okay.

I see a couple ghosts in here too.

Oh, I see ghosts in here too.

And you know what I see?I see them right over their shoulder and they're whispering something in the air and they're telling them what to do with their lives.And you know what they're not doing?They're not listening.And you know what that ghost is called?Intuition.

That's right.And that is the most important thing.

And you know what I don't see?

What do you don't see?

I don't see a ghost on your shoulder.

I don't see any, I don't feel any ghosts on my shoulders.I don't see ghosts on your shoulders.I see ghosts over there.

Wait, you see a ghost on my shoulder?

I see a ghost on your shoulder.Okay.wait a second.He's got a very thin mustache.Yep.Goes out very, very far.

Okay.He's wearing big old pants.Oh yeah.Wearing tight little jackets.

Oh, that's very weird that you say that.Does he have a Macarena?

He's got a...

You know what I'm saying?

What's that called?He's got a Macarena.What's that called?They're called Macarenas.Yeah.He's got two little Macarenas.

So he's got two little Macarenas?

Yeah.I think he must have been in a band of some sort.Probably far in the back of the band, not that important.You can tell he's not resolved, that he was not the star.He's not the star.And he wants to be the star, and that's why he's here in the studio.

But you cannot go.You cannot be the star.You need to let go.Your dreams did not happen.You are a failure.You need to leave.

Wait, hold on.That's wicked weird.I just felt like a whoosh in my ear, a little jingle jingle, and a thing.

Yeah.

Did he go?

He left.

You are so powerful.You are so powerful.You know, I thought only people from the East Coast, Massachusetts was powerful, but, but, but the Keys is a powerful place.

That's a very powerful place.It's the most Southern point of the United States.Really?Yep.At its most Southern tip.

So, you know, that's like, you know, that's like P town.That's the most Southern.

That's the most Northern.

It's not, it's, it's not a Southern tip, but it's a tip.

It is the tip.It's the most farthest.East guess.It's a big I think they say it's the most East.Yep, the sandwich of the East So yeah, call it and you know what?I think about the ocean is that a lot of people don't understand is the ocean is bringing in memories and they're taking out go it soaks up It's the salt of the sea soaks up, you know It soaks up the demons memories and demons and they're all there in Key West because the currents go down there My favorite thing to do is to talk about death.

Yeah, I like talk about death We talked about death so much on our road trip.

I talked aboutall the people that have passed in my life.And, you know, I try to, I call up Amanda and I say, you know, you know, sweetie, you know, I want to talk to you about someone who's died.And she keeps going, Teresa, you got to stop with that.

She doesn't want to hear anything.

Why don't these young people want to hear about all the people dying?

I don't understand.

It's important to respect the dead and it's important to talk about very sad things as often as you can.

Amanda's just a very, she seems like she's very cold, very hard.

She actually is kind of a cold woman.So she's very standoffish, aloof.She's not as friendly as everyone thinks she is.She's actually kind of rude.She was a rough child, let me just tell you that.

You FaceTimed her at one point when we were driving and when you hung up and I said, are you really going to take that?

Are you really going to take that from her?And I'm very grateful for you, Sandy, because normally I'd kick her in the shins, right?Like I do Ricky often.But, you know, I thought...It seems like a lost cause with her.It does seem like a lost cause.

She seems like she's already too far gone.

I know.And maybe it's Hollywood.I think it's Hollywood's gotten to her.I think Hollywood's gotten to her.She's one of the elites now.

She had her hair done and I was like, what are you doing?Relax, it's me on the phone.

And she wears all those colors.

Oh my God, she's so bright.And this is the brightest thing that I own.

I know.

This is the black dog.

You got to be careful because I'd say salmon's about as bright as you ever want to go.

So what's crazy is actually this is coral.

Oh, it's coral.I know that because I'm from Key West and there's lots of coral.

Yeah, so this is coral, but everyone thinks it's salmon, and I'm like, salmon?

What?That's a different place.

That's a farm -raised.

Farm -raised salmon.Not good.Have you seen wild salmon?

Swimming up the Yemen?

Yeah.

No.

So, took a Greyhound from Key West all the way to Indiana.What a trip I had.Oh, you said it was brutal.Oh, it was so brutal.Got in so many fights.Fist fights?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I bet you lay it down.

You probably knocked some teeth out.I laid the hammer down.They called me Thor by the time I got off that.Oh, goodness.Oh, my goodness.Oh, my goodness.

Several windows were broken on that great house.Oh, my goodness.I had a great time.

You're Thor, and I'm Iron Man.

You are Iron Man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have you ever done an Ironman?Do you want to do an Ironman?You know what's crazy?Is I've only ever done a Tough Mudder, and I've always wanted to do an Ironman.

You've done a Tough Mudder?

I've done a Tough - Oh.Oh, Sandy, you don't know.You don't know who I was 20 years ago.I did Tough Mudders like it was f***ing Tuesday.

I didn't know they had those back then.

Well, they had stuff where you're running in mud.

Were you just running in mud, maybe?Yes.That's so great.

You know what?

Yes.That's awesome.

It was my papa's backyard and he got it all wet with a sprinkler and I ran.

And you just ran through it.Well, if that's not tough and also a mother, then I don't know what is.

And you know, I didn't win an award, but I felt really tough.

We used to do mud wrestling over at Margaritaville and I was the champion over there.

In the heels?

In the heels.My God, someone could lose an arm.

And kicking was allowed.You're a badass.Thank you.Did anyone die during that one?

Yes.Okay.

This episode of Smosh Mouth is sponsored by Casper.Shane, you sleep, right?

Do I sleep?No, but like, do you sleep?Well, I guess not super great lately.I've been a little uncomfortable.I, you know, haven't gotten enough sleep.How did you know that?

I could tell.

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Do I not?Is that in the script?

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com and save up to 30 % on the mattress you deserve is it a teleprompter that I don't look good Yes, yes, they wrote it.I didn't I didn't write it.

It's crazy.

Yeah, okay.

I think you look great I don't know who's saying that for sure for sure for sure just it felt implied All right back to the show back to the show doesn't Angela write some of them I think Angela writes all of them.

Oh We met up in Indiana.

Yeah, and we met up at a bus stop and I was like, why no I got off of it and I said, let's run god I miss the ocean like this is a nightmare ran down the street to an enterprise Oh, yeah, and our bags cuz you didn't have a car, but how did you get there?to indiana such a long story so so so so so my good friend he's a he's a lobster fisherman he owns a motorcycle and i said i never am gonna get on a motorcycle never once in my life never once in my life and i'm i'm crazy as shit but i would never get on a motorcycle you seem crazyas shit.I like you.

I'm out of my goddamn mind, but I will not get on a motorcycle.I'm not that crazy.

Well, Sanji, you know, same, you know, ditto, because I'm out of my goddamn mind, because you know what I said?Fine.Do it.Put me in the back.Give me a helmet at least.So I rode on this motorcycle, praying to, you know, St. Anthony, just like, save me, find me, you know.

Anyways, so we take the motorcycle.After 10 minutes, I say, I'm done with this.I'm done.I can't do this anymore.You know, the Bible says you can't get on a motorcycle.

There's an extra chapter.Corinthians 13 .5.

Yes.Very good chapter.It took me a month to read that one.So I get off.And this guy's just sitting there in a Ford pickup.And I say, hi.

And he goes, you need a ride?And I go, yes, sir, I do.I gave him five bucks.We talked the whole way, all the way up to Indiana.That was five hours.

Sounds like an angel.

Six hours.You know what I think he was?I think it was my guardian angel.

Probably.

Because, you know what?He said, is your name T...And I said, Teresa?And he said, I thought so.It seemed like there was a T. Yeah.I don't know what he...

I think he was going to say Tina, but I took it.

I think everything happens for a reason.

So do I. And you know what I felt?You know, the craziest thing that I felt, Sandy?I felt this overwhelming feeling of deja vu.And I was like, I've been here before.This is my life path.This is what I need to do in life.

I like to think that in every, maybe in every life, at some point you were on your way somewhere and that guardian angel showed up in some sort of wagon or horse or boat or whatever.or maybe a camel.

Not motorcycle.

Well, no.Your guardian angel would never show up in a motorcycle.

That's why I got off, because Sandy, I felt pain, you know, in my left shoulder.

Perhaps that was a demon.

So when you feel pain in your shoulders, it is demon.

It's a demon.That's the demon'syour shoulders.They're digging in.They got those little pitchforks.And they go stabbing in there.

They go, Teresa!Teresa!

Yeah.

So the guardian angel called me in and his name was Floyd.

Floyd.Like the barbershop.

Yeah.Oh, there's one in California, LA.You know what I was thinking?Crazy, crazy subject change.I kind of want to do a shave cut and two lines right here.I got here and I went, everybody's rocking that.

And I want that.

But you got to be careful.Why?Because, well, they're rocking that around here in California, but it's sometimes, I don't know what kind of...Oh, do you think they're part of a cult?Like a Viking.

Well, okay, here's the crazy part.If there's a cult that has anything to do with the Vikings, I would like to join it.

You would like to join a cult?

That has anything to do with the Vikings.

We'll have to look for that.So I bet on Facebook we can find - We should find cults on Facebook.Yeah.I bet we could find a Viking cult.

Because everyone says they're trying to get out, and I'm like, I'm trying to get in.

I've never been part of...I mean, my nephew and other family members have said that I've been part of cults, but I don't think I've ever been part of cults.

You don't think the margarita place was a cult?

No, that wasn't a cult.That was just a job.That wasn't a cult.And I mean, there was one time where I was selling pans to...I had a bunch of pans, and I was giving my friends pans, and if they gave their friends pans...And so I would make, we would all make money, but that wasn't a cult.

That was if we all, we have all so many pans and it was the panhandle of pans is what they called it.And so I was thinking, no, this isn't a cult.This is a great opportunity for all of us to make so much money.If I can give peoplepans and they can make money off of it, then I'll do that.

And you know what's great is everybody needs a pan.Everybody needs a pan.You know what's crazy is I actually, you know, my good friend Charlotte, she started a jewelry party.So she started the party and you go to the party and you pick out jewelry and you go, I want that one.And she goes, sell it to five of your friends and then you'll get the money.And that sounds amazing.

It's actually perfect.And everyone kept saying, you know, you're in a pyramid scheme and I said, I don't even know what that is.

I've never been to Egypt.I would love to.I would love to see that.I would love to go to Egypt and understand what these pyramid schemes are about.As far as I know, pyramids, they have like powers of some sort.

Well, the dead is buried there.So speaking of the dead, if you do something naughty, you're buried underneath, you're in a sarcophagus in the pyramid and you're buried deep underneath.Mm -hmm.Have you seen a mummy?

I've seen them.

It's everything that you need to know and that's all real It's all the history is right there.So there actually was that guy.He was actually buried in that place Anoxana moon was his lady.And so then you know, there actually was a Brendan Fraser.It was a real man Oh, yeah, he played a real man, which I thought he did very good research job on him.He's a very funny guy Brendan Fraser He's a funny guy.

Oh funny.

He feels like you know a Fred Astaire to me.

Oh Oh, yes.I should tell Shane to watch that movie so he can learn how to be funny like that.

Yeah, so I'm glad that you brought that up because, you know, I'm watching the podcast through clips that I find on Facebook, and I'm like, oh, this is fun.They're talking about fun stuff, solving problems, and Amanda's making me laugh, laugh, laugh.

Yeah.And then Shane talks and it's kind of like, hmm.It's like a downer for me.It's like a little bit of a bummer.

No, I want to go like, you know, in Gladiator when they go, uh, that's what I want to do.

I know.I want to go.

I just want him to, I want to shake him and go, you know, take a class.

Right.

Read about comedy.

It's clear that he's devoid of passion.

Yeah, so you can tell through his whole body.

Yeah, oh, the way he holds himself.You wear a t -shirt.

I'm not, I'm not inflamed with creativity.

He's like, he's like if you let a child play with Play -Doh for a little bit and they make something and they're like, here's what I made, but it's kind of hardened.

They're like, look, it's a pond and you're like, oh, you just flattened the Play -Doh.

Yeah, that's him.

Whereas Amanda's like, look at the frogs and you know, there's a tree coming out and guess what?There's a fairy on top.

Right.

She's a bitch, but I like what she does.

Right.I agree.Yeah.So we met up in Indiana and yeah, the car we got was so silly.It was a Mustang.It was a Mustang convertible.

Convertible, which, you know, it took us 20 minutes to open the top.

Oh, I was like, I know.

I was like, you know, Sandy top open the top.

I know.I'm here.I am trying to jam back the thing.

You almost broke it.You have the strongest arms I've ever seen in my life.

Well, yeah.I mean, boating.and you know saving well not saving people not saving people from dancing and then sailing around um oh yeah west you know uh if if you're if you're opening up masks all day if you're you know if you're oh of course if you open up a mask the wind can catch you from working ropes all day uh my my biceps they are They are big.

You know what's crazy?You took off your sweatshirt, and you have a little tank top on, and I was stunned.

I know, it scares people.

It was frightening.

It's why I put this on, so that people aren't frightened by me, because really my demeanor is so polite.

Your demeanor is so polite, but I like the strength that you have underneath you, because as someone who also works, you know, I shuck bay scallops all day long, so I'm raking bay scallops.

And your wrists are thick.

My wrists are very thick, so I can't actually wear watches.

None of them fit.Birthright off.

Ugh.Date.unclasp in our privacy.I never know what time it is.And that's your curse.The only thing, I know what time it is based on the sun going down.

Because I'm out there with my dumbass son, Ricky, and we're scraping the bay for scallops.And I go, what time is it, Ricky?And he goes, duh.And I go, look at the sun.And then I go, oh, it's the sunset.And I love him.

He's my first and only.

But dumb as rocks.Dumb as rocks.That's really hard.

You open the mustang.

So I open it up, several bats fly out.

So we're in Indiana.

Yeah.So I finally get it open, several bats fly out.Oh, this thing was covered in bats.Covered in bats.I mean, my God.And they've been telling us to get ravey shots since that happened, but I don't think I need it.

I don't want pain in my right, other than the devil.

Right.But we get into this Mustang and we start driving.And you know, we decided how we do things.We weren't going to look up and print out directions from Google.Nope.We were going to follow the signs.

Because if we drive west, we're going to get to California.All roads lead to Hollywood, they say.

All roads lead to Hollywood.So, you know, so we get in the car and I put on, you know, my book on tape.which is one of my favorites of Patricia Cornwell.And, uh, you know, we, we do 10 minutes of it, but we're basically talking the whole time.So I have to go back.

Yeah.I don't recall much from it.

Cause we were talking.

It kind of felt like she was just in the back seat talking.

Yeah.So I put her on low cause it helps me concentrate to have someone talking constantly.

Um, but, uh, you know, she was getting into, and you only know how to talk over people.So I think it actually helps you.

Well, well, yeah.Well, well, you know, I actually think I'm just, you know, yeah.So I connect.I, I, I, I, I, I process things by, I, I'm actually a very good.listener.I know, I know.

But a lot of people tell me that I don't know silence and I don't understand why I would ever need to know silence.

Well, and the silence is when the ghosts come out.That's when they're the heaviest.And we are both scared of that.

That's when the loudest.Remember in Sixth Sense when he finally turned it up and all he heard was that guy talking in Italian or Latin?That's what I'm afraid of, so.

And the aliens show up and they hit him with a baseball bat.

So that's signs.

What did I say?I said six cents.So two different movies.Oh, I thought those were connected.

No, so same, and that Shyamalan.

I thought that was kind of like a Titanic situation where you put in one VHS and then you put in the second VHS and you're watching one movie.So I thought those were one movie.You know what's wicked weird?

Is that they could be one movie.

I think they could be one movie.

Because actually, yeah.because it's the same.

Did you ever see the village where it's this kid, this bald kid who can move air with his hands?That one was crazy.

That airbender guy was incredible.I was like, whoa, the airbender is in the village and Ron Howard's daughter is there too.And you know what?She looks just like Ron Howard.

And they spoiled the ending.that it was all the fire demon people.And then they spoiled it so they had to say, oh no, it was the parents doing it the whole time.And it ruined it.It ruined it.You know, the airbender kid.

I know.I can do that with water.With water.Wait a second.I can do it.I was one time, so I was in Key Vista.

Is that part of the Keys?It's part of the Keys.Key Vista.It's one of the lower Keys.

Vista means visit in Spanish.

When we find out what let go means in Spanish, can you let go?I would really like some closure.

Well, we'll go back to my book on tape when we leave the studio to go out to, you know, breakfast.Right.I'll find out Let Go.I think it's in, like, chapter five.Okay.

I would love some closure on that.Yeah.I really would like that.Anyway, so we were in Key Vista and we were out by the mangroves.We were up in waist -deep water and we were looking at the manatees that were there.They were swimming around.

Gorgeous creatures.And I started to move my hands and I noticed that the water was rippling underneath my hands.Get out.And my hands were a good foot above the water and I was doing this and they were rippling.Get out.I said, Nancy, Nancy, look over here.

Who's Nancy?Nancy's my friend.Oh, okay.Good friend.My platonic friend.And she was, she...

Okay.

Trust me. I understand platonic friends.

And so she looks over and I said, look at, look at this.And she said, no, there's little tiny fish in the water and they think you're feeding them.And I said, no, water's moving.

Did you have, you know, clam juice on your fingers or something?Did you have any residue?You know, did you have any leftover food on your fingers?

You know what, I had residue on my hands, and so I wasn't actually a waterbender.

No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey.I realized, no, it was just the little tiny fish and probably little tiny shrimp.Hey.And they were probably skittering around.No, don't start, don't start.The briny stuff was falling off my hands, so I realized I'm not actually a waterbender.

So that's the fun thing to realize right now.

So I do want to apologize for saying what I said, because I didn't actually mean to.

No, Teresa, everyone needs someone like you in their life to bring them back down to earth.And here I was out in space having a good time, thinking that I'm special, but everybody needs someone like you, Teresa, to remind us that actually I'm just some stupid bitch, that actually I'm not.

Sandy listen I like to ink I like to really wrap my ink around people and tug them back down to earth back down I you know for a second.Here's the deal.I did believe you and and and I wanted to say to you that um Anyone who's that close to water has magic so thank you for saying that I know that you know their hands were covered in you know food, but right those fish They didn't know who you were, so they were experiencing something.

And in a way, I was, I guess in a way, kind of waterbending in that I was influencing the fish.And so that was, that was kind of making current, and currents are made by fish.Oh, no, it's true, actually.When they swim in schools, it causes the water to move really fast.And they cause the waves to break.And that causes water, yeah.

So anyways, I think at the end of it all, my opinion's not changed.No, actually, you know what?

I think that you're a waterbender and I'm a pyromaniac.

Oh yeah, well, you were lighting a lot of fires.We never got to stay anywhere too long because you would light fires.We would leave a diner and I'd be like, that place was nice.And you'd be like, not for long.And we'd get in the car and we'd see it just...Well.

It was, it was, you know, there's something about old wood.I just got to get my hands on a matchbook and light it up.

I know, something changes in you.

I don't know what it is.And I kept taking matchboxes from you.I'd say, give me that.And I would take it, but you just kept coming out of nowhere.Well, I go to restaurants and I collect matchbooks, but theyjust something about wood.

And I see it from afar and I can smell it and I just go, that wood needs to be disintegrated.I know.

It needs to be lit up.You have a hatred for wood.

It's not a hatred.It's just like a disapproval.

Uh -huh.I want to see it burned.Do you feel that way about trees when you see like a forest?

No, so trees are living.

Trees are living, but deadwood...

Here's my deal, here's my deal.You know what wood is?

What?

Trees that have been slaughtered.

It's so right.

It's like a corpse.Trees that are corpse and death, so I'm going there to avenge the tree.So I see a dumbass diner that serves, you know, mild pancakes.They weren't even that good.

They were mild.They were mild.

Buttermilk my ass.

They put way too much whipped cream on them, and it's like, at that point, it's like, you are giving up.

Oh, giving up.

You are trying to hide.

Oh, giving up.

What you have done.

You know, the coffee was fine, but I was like, lady, go back in there and, you know, fix whatever this is. I know.So anyways, I sit in there and I'm eating, you know, mid pancakes and I look and I go, Oh, look, it's all the slaughtered trees of America.I must avenge it.So you were telling a story about one of your exes and I honestly couldn't hear it because all I could hear was the wood.Yeah.Is that real wood?

Let me fix my hair.One second.Yeah.Let's get up and check this out.What's the name of the podcast?

This is a real brick.

This isn't real.

No, none of this is real.

These legs are real.Wow, showing feet.Hey, who's this?

Oh, is that that gorilla that fell in love with Robin Williams?

Oh, on, um...Second.

There's that gorilla that...Have you seen that video?

They were...Second.It's a gorilla that loved Robin Williams.Wait a second.Was that in the movie Patch Adams?

No.It might have been.It might have been.Oh.So I love gorillas.And you love gorillas, and you love lighting things on fire, and who doesn't?

This episode of Smosh Mouth is sponsored by AG1.Sometimes in life, we need a little support.Maybe it's support from your co -host once in a while, or maybe it's support from AG1.I'll always support you, Amanda.You're right, it's true.I was just joshing you.

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Back to the show.

Yeah, I said it so you still have to say it.Yeah, because I was supporting you, you know.I wish I never said that.So I did come out to, you know, my family saying I'm a pyromaniac.And they said we know.

And you're so brave for that.

And I'm so brave for that, thank you.And, you know, I've never been to therapy.Good.I don't think it's, I don't need it.

And I hope, I hope Shane puts that message forward on this show.And I think that's the message that we want to put out there, that it's bad for you.

It's bad.You know, there's nothing that you need to work out.The only thing that you need to work out is, you know, how to get the wood from the diner and how to light it on fire.Right, right.And the only, you know, you know what my therapy is?You know, watching old movies.

That's my therapy.And a little bit of masturbating, just a tiny bit, just like a small amount.

Because I think it really, you know, Well, at our age, we've gotten so good at it.I'm very efficient.Oh, at our age?Are you kidding me?Every time - One minute flat, I'm done.When we were driving, we had an understanding that whenever we came to a port -a -potty or anything, it was like - Boom.

We'd go into separate ones, doors closed, doors open.Boom.We were different.

You know all those times that I said I needed to poop?I didn't.I needed to rub one out.

Women our age, we don't poop.Of course not.

No, we're only going into the porta potty to - Anytime a woman our age says they're going to use the bathroom, we know what they're doing.

Yeah.

And are you thinking about something in particular when you do it?Because I can think about food and do it.I can think about, yeah, I can think about whatever.I can think about a fresh grilled cheese with fresh tomato and melted cheese and go, I'm f***ed.

Be careful.Be careful.I'm going to need to find the bathroom here.

I don't think there is one.There isn't a bathroom here.

So I learned that, um, you know, they have a kind of a, well, I thought they had one bathroom and I kind of looked at it, but they kind of had it Roman style where it's just, it's just a bunch of toilets all around the walls and no privacy.And they all stare at each other when they doing it.

No, these kids are crazy.They all kiss each other.They all pee in front of each other.I'm just like, find a private place and do the damn thing.So do you use two fingers or one finger?

Four.Yeah, you cover more ground.You are seriously the bravest woman I've ever met.I'm good now, it's almost like I'm wiping.You're done?You're wiping, you're done?

Basically, yeah.Do you know what I do?

What do you do?I do a quick circle, I go in for one second, I come out, done.Anyways, I love a podcast.I think - I love a podcast, you know why?Because I feel free.

We should have our own podcast.Shut the door.This type of stuff we're talking about, this is what people really want to hear.

People really want to hear what people do.

I think we're just two women just talking about whatever we want to talk about, not afraid of anything, and you know, we don't need a man here.I think we could call it like call the podcast, like call her daddy or something like that.Call her daddy.That would be a great podcast.

So, so I would, so, so when we're calling dad, when who's calling a daddy, we call each other daddy, maybe.Oh my God.

Think about that.

I actually really liked that.Do you think call a daddy is taken?

No.No, it's too original.

Oh, I love that.

I've never listened to a podcast before except for the clips of this one.

Well, I've listened to books on tape.

That's the same thing, right?

And I don't know how to put them out.

We could record them.What I think we do is we record a bunch, put them on a tape, and then we sell them at a bookstore.

Or, you know what?So when we get to California, I heard that Venice Beach, you can actually sell your stuff there and you can make a lot of money.

Teresa, I have something to tell you.We're in California, I believe.I think this is...Well, we're in Oxnard.

I thought we were in a studio.

We're in Oxnard.I think we did make it.

I got all turned around because we went to Indiana, we went to Louisiana.

We went to Louisiana.We went up to North Dakota.

We went up to North Dakota next, which I liked.I liked that journey.It felt very, very...

I thought Mount Rushmore was not as good as I thought it was going to be.

You know what?I couldn't even see what their faces were.No.They were not chiseled in.And I wanted to climb it.

I'm not allowed to.

They wouldn't let us.And then we went back to New York, which I thought was fun and different.

It was really different.

But then we went all the way to, um, uh, Texas.

Oh.And that was what a ride.

There's beef everywhere.There is a lot of beef.And I was like, well, we're going to have to fill up.So I'm glad that we took barbecue home with us.I know.In the car.

I had someone walking on me in the outhouse there.Did they see?I was only there for 30 seconds.And they saw?They saw.At the swipe?

At the swipe.mid swipe Yeah, you hate catch a mid swipe.You know what you hate Point the inertia is going Momentum started you're all coiled up, but you see my arms They're massive the amount of strength the amount of torque.I'm putting into that so what there's no stop.Oh I call it made Goodness gracious cowboy.

Oh, he probably shit his pants.

He did shit his pants.Well, he needed to go Oh, right, but he didn't make it.I was sitting on the toilets while standing above the toilet seat You love it.Oh good for you.

You know what?I do it I just do it right next to the door and I don't lock it.Oh, I kind of want to get caught Oh, but I don't actually fully pull my pants down.I go from the back.Mm -hmm So anyway, so we were in Texas.

And we were in Texas, yeah.The barbecue was, it was pretty good.Pretty good, it was pretty good.Fire in the hole.I think it's okay.Yeah.

I think Texas barbecue, overrated.It's definitely overrated.I'll say it.All the sauces, why?

All you need is ketchup and ranch.

Yeah.

So then we went to Texas.

Yeah, and it got their names for their hot sauces that make no sense, Atomic Bum.Oh my God.I'm just like, okay, it's hot.And I just drank that shit down, doesn't affect me.It was yummy.Nothing's like Key West hot sauce.

You were chugging hot sauce.

I was chugging hot sauce.See, you like to make fire, and I like to drink fire.And that's why maybe I'm a bit of a firebender in a way.

So, okay, so you're a firebender?Well...You know what's crazy?If you were a waterbender and a firebender, how would they both work?Because one's going to put out the other.

Maybe I'm the avatar.Oh my God.That movie was so good.That was the best movie ever made.

I've never seen a better movie in my life.James Cameron is a sea creature.right?

Is it James Cameron?No, you're talking about the movie where he goes down to the bottom of the ocean and there's the sea creatures there.

So that's Avatar?

That's Avatar.

Isn't it where Kate Winslet's in it?I'm talking about Avatar.

No, Kate Winslet's Titanic.

No, she was in Avatar too.

Oh, was she really?

She played a travel woman.And I was like, huh, okay.Is that okay?You know what?It's not for me to judge.

I'm just a listener.It's not for me to say either.

But I feel like...

It's not for me to say.

No.Anyway, so James Cameron's actually one of the best directors I've ever seen.

Have you met him?You know, here.I had a dream about him.

You know what I did the next day?

Went to the bathroom.a hardcore 10 seconds.

That was quick.

Yeah.It was like a wave crashing.Exactly.Sometimes when you see the right movie, you're just like, oh my gosh.

Pulp fiction.

As good as it gets.

You know what?Jack Nicholson, Jack Nicholson, I was like, I like him.You know how he's not cute, but then he's very cute?Right, right, right.You know my favorite movie?What?

And my favorite actor ever?Cocktail with Tom Cruise.

He's making cocktails on a beach and I said, I'll quit everything.

I'll leave my son.

I will move to the beach I'll let shit on fire for that.

Oh, oh, that's what I want to do I want to light shit on fire at the beach and make out with Tom Cruise.Absolutely.You know what?I want many more mission impossibles.

Oh The missions to get more and more impossible, but he doesn't stop Oh my God, you know what he should do?What should he do?

You know what he should do?He should try swimming.I've never seen him swim.You're so wrong.Every mission impossible, you know, he's jumping out of a plane, he's jumping off a cliff, he's, you know, talking to, you know, scary women or men who have accidents, but I've never seen him swim.Try swimming.

They should do another one.Mission Impossible, and he's in the sea.

Oh my goodness.

And I could be an extra in that movie because I can swim so good.

You know what?They wouldn't even be able to catch you on camera because you'd be going so fast.

I'd be moving so fast.That happens.I outswam a barracuda once.

How did you do that?

Well, see, I had my earrings on.They're very sparkly, and so barracuda attracted that.And it started coming towards me, and I said, I need to swim so fast.Oh my goodness.And so I swim.I can do butterfly underwater.

Oh my goodness.

And nobody's ever seen that before, but I can do it.And I think that's probably why I'm a little bit of a waterbender.I think you're definitely a waterbender.And so I'm doing this under water.You're doing butterfly underwater.And I'm moving so fast.

Do you know a barracuda can take off your whole foot in one bite?

Oh, I know, and it almost got me.

So it was chasing your shiny earrings.

My shiny earrings, and I was moving fast, which made them shine even more.And that's why I'm not wearing them today.Because I didn't, you know, I've never driven through so many of these states and I was like, I don't know if they have barracuda.

Do you know what's crazy?

Because we were bathing in the rivers and so I was like, in case there's barracudas in there.

Well, Big Sur was very nice for me.

Oh, that was lovely.

I jumped in that river naked and, you know, the kids started running and I was like, relax.

I know.

It's fine.It's scary.

Oh, you've never seen a woman before?

Double E's before?Relax.

Anyways, you know what's crazy for me?You caused three splashes when you jumped in the river.

Oh, I jumped in, there was one big splash, a second splash, and then there was a third splash from all the way, all the way, like half a mile away.That was me.Double E's, man.You take them out of the bra, you don't know what's gonna happen.

You gotta throw them in there like you're casting a line.

Oh, of course, and you know what comes up?Catfish.

Yeah, they'll grab on to it.

Oh my god.I definitely have a nipple bitten.And it was awful.

Gosh.But then you have dinner.

Well, yeah.They hang on and I go, gotcha, mother****er.

That's right.And I grab them with my bare hands.Yeah.

Do you know what's crazy?

What?

Is I stopped wearing wetsuits when I swim.You know why?Because in Sandwich and Chatham and Cape Cod, there's great whites.And they'll think you're a plumpy little seal.

I've heard about that.

Good friend of mine got eaten by a shark.

That's too bad.

Yeah, he's okay, though.

That's too bad.We have hammerheads in Key West.

Scary, scary.

Very scary.But if you catch onto them, you get to ride them like a motorcycle.Only type of motorcycle I'll ride.Grab both eyes.If you put your hands...You blind it.

If you blind it, then it can't see, and then you get to steer it.where you want to go.Stop it right now.And that's how I got, when I started this trip, that's how I got from Key West to Key Largo.

Okay.So I was going to ask you how you got through all the keys, which I still don't understand.

Because there's no greyhounds because they can't go there because the bridges will collapse underneath them.So you took a hammerhead shark.I took a hammerhead shark all the way to Key Largo and from Key Largo, I was able to walk up to, um, to, to, to, to Apollo Beach.And then from there, I was able to get a greyhound.

Apollo Beach.Is that where, you know, did the liftoff?

Yeah.

That's probably why they didn't make it.

So they have NASA down there.They made it.Well, some of them did.Eleven of them made it.Apollo 11 made it.I think Apollo...

I don't know.I got all my research from Armageddon.That's a very good movie.And I thought, OK, well, I know NASA.I get it now.

I love that movie so much.

Bruce Willis was a very...

Thank God they did that because so many lives could have been gone.That's so incredible.

Yeah.So, you know what?I'm very proud of you for doing a Hammerhead because riding a Hammerhead, being on a Hammerheadyou know, I'm very proud of you.

I'm proud of you.You did so much, your journey all the way to Indiana.I could tell that it took a toll on you, an emotional toll.

Floyd just, you know, he chucked my ear off and, you know, I didn't get a wink of sleep.And, and you know, what's crazy is when he dropped me off, he told me to tuck and roll.So I he I opened the door and I actually tucked and rolled out to the bus stop to meet you So when I came up, I was actually crawling on the you know highway to get to you We had to take you to a hospital to get get stitches.Oh, yeah, my whole shin Yeah, but the drugs are very nice that they gave me yeah, you're still taking them Yeah, of course They said I should as long as I feel uncomfortable and I had I had to pee earlier So I felt a little uncomfortable.

Yeah Teresa and Sandy, Shane and Amanda have questions they want to ask you before we go.

Oh, okay.So they didn't show up, but they have questions for us.That's so nice.

So they said they were going to show up and take us to breakfast, but I guess they'll meet us at the breakfast place?

Yeah, okay.

Okay, great.What's the questions?

After this episode, would you consider each other your best friends?

Listen, I know that you have this friend, Nancy, that you keep talking about, that you do a lot of things together.That's fine.I just want to say to you, I'm an independent woman.I've got my son, Ricky, who I do love a lot.I don't need you to be my best friend, but I very much enjoy your company.

I think I feel the same way.I think I feel, I see in you, not necessarily just like a best friend, but more of, you know, a dynamic duo.Oh, perhaps perhaps we like I like I think you are a liability in ways that I wouldn't want in a friend, but I think youare someone that I would want in war.If we are taking on challenges, businesses, men, I would maybe want you on my side, but I wouldn't trust you.I would trust you on a personal sense, but in a business sense, I would rely on you.

I know you could get shit done.

Well, that makes me very happy that you would feel that way because I think in a business sense, I would appreciate you because it feels like you've traveled a lot and you definitely have lived.But I think, you know, I shouldn't have shown you the fire part of me.

You really shouldn't, but you did.And so I know that now, but that's okay.That's who you are.You're a criminal and that's okay.And you know, I am too.

Well, yeah, it seems like you, you know, you didn't help a lot of ladies when they were on their way out.No.And you know what?Here's the deal.It's late in my life, okay?But not too late.

And I accept you.And your words, criminal to me, is your opinion.And you know what?That's true.And it's your opinion, and I can't control your opinion.The only thing I control is my reaction.

And right now, I'm okay.

And that says a lot.Are you gonna light this studio on fire when we leave?

Well, not this room.

Okay.

They did it's a nice.It's actually I like that.They have the Robin Williams gorilla Anna.It's a gorilla from Mighty Joe Young, right?That's the same one So not this room, okay But I did see a lot of nice rooms with all the cast pictures and those frames are wood They wish they were screaming.Yeah, they were screaming.

Okay, good to know and I said, I'll get you out of there OkaySo, uh, do you guys have any other advice for Shane and Amanda as they do this podcast?Oh goodness.

I've got so much advice.I should write a book.

I should write a book too.We should write a book together.You write a page.Salt and Sea.Salt and Sea.You write a page.

I write a page.You write a page.I write a page.You write a page.I write a page.Chicken soup noodles.

Chicken soup noodles.I love chicken soup noodles for the soul.

Right.So, so, so if I were to write advice on the first page, I would say trust your instincts.

Right.

Trust no one.

Right.

Care for them.Listen to them.Eat as much seafood as possible.Talk to strangers.Don't pick up the check, but add to the tip.Wear your seatbelt.

Call your son a dumbass because later he'll thank you because it'll add humor.And, uh, Find a port -a -potty whenever you can.

I love that.The only self -reflecting you need to do is looking at the water on the side of your boat when you're trying to see what's on the end of the line.Pick up every hitchhiker you see because a couple will be a dud, but one of them will be your guardian angel.

Yep, named Floyd.

That's right.Always do a double.Part your hair down the middle.

Oh, always.And if you have a straightener, it's the best way to get these up.

That's right.that's some real advice.

Honestly, a curling iron is not your friend.A straightener, make sure it sizzles and then flick it up.

And I think Amanda needs to hear that.

I'm going to tell her and I cannot wait to see what she comes.

I hope she listens to you.

I hope she listens because the last thing I want to say too, seize the day, but seize is spelled S -E -A -S.You get it?

I think I get it.

Wow.I love some breakfast.I have chills all over.I have chills.

I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom after this.

Which one?

True.

There's so many bathrooms, but you know what's outside?Porta -Potties.

Any other questions from the audience?Do you have a little bit more respect for Shane and Amanda now that you've done this?Was this easy?Was this hard?

This was literally the easiest thing I've ever done in my life.I think what they do is actually kind of wicked easy.

It's kind of embarrassing.

They work hard.

I could sit here for days.He can't pick up my calls.He can answer his phone while he's doing this.

Yeah, seriously.This is easy peasy.I actually think We did a better job.

I think we did a better job.Send us messages on Facebook if we did a better job.

Yeah, you can find me at Teresa Sees the Day Clambake soon.

And you can find me at Sandy Tops Puka Shell Stand.

This is a good one.So those aren't puka shells.It's so interesting that you talk about it.

You gave these to me before because we were coming on.I said, do I look like shit?And you said yes.And I said,well.And I said, give me some necklace.

And I said, I got you some necklace.So.

And you frisbeed it across the room and it landed over my head.I made a ring to that shit right around your neck.

Thank you so much for that.

You're so welcome.And also I do appreciate that you're wearing diamonds on your glasses.

They're real.

No, I know.

Last question.

God.

I don't like this one.

I'm running out of breath.

Did anyone wish you a happy Mother's Day?It was yesterday.

No.

My son.Okay.Okay.Okay.Listen to this.My son wished me happy Mother's Day.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

In a text message.Yeah.And then he sent, you know, he sent like a heart break.Are you yawning?Wow all these days together and you yawn when I talk about my son sweet text Anyways, that sounds so sweet.It was just he said happy Mother's Day wish it was different with a hot, and then a break.

And they said, love you Ricky, stop playing games, you stupid idiot.Yeah.

Anyways, that's our love language.

Yeah, that's, that's tough to have such a dumb son.

Seems like we need to put old grandma to bed right now, shall we?

Okay.

Okay, Sandy.

All right, Teresa, let's, let's settle down a little bit there.Okay, let's put Sandy to bed, or maybe a hammerhead could ride her to bed.Okay, let'sright.

Yeah, let's get it, you know, dancing again.

Okay, all right.Let's settle down there, Teresa.Need to try not to light this place on fire.Morphine is kicking in.Yeah, liquid morphine.It's pretty impressive.

Don't talk to me while I'm trying to swallow.Trying to stifle a yawn there?No, I'm fully awake and alert.Yeah, I don't sleep when you're driving.Oh, well, they're good glad that glad you got to have that opportunity Don't fight you would drive for an hour and then I would drive for eight.

I told you I couldn't see the road Okay, it was middle of the day the glare and the Sun when you're driving is really it hits.

Okay.Yeah Sorry, I'm yawning cuz I'm tired from driving for weeks It took us weeks to get from Indiana to California.Yeah.

Okay.Well, you wanted to go get beignets and I said, we got to go see Mount Rushmore.So we basically did a zigzag.

That's true.That's true.

I mean, at one point we were in Canada and I said, how do we get here?

And we said, we want to try Aswan.

Huh?

We said we wanted to try ice wine.Oh.And it was so good.I could swim in an ice wine.I know.

I want to go to bed in the freezing cold.

I know.But then once we did that, we wanted barbecue from Texas.So we went down to Texas and I said, Oh, let's go up to Montana.Oh yeah.I want to see those.Bison.

Bison.

Well, all right.I want to get some food.Okay.And I heard that, um, they've got some good food in California.

Yeah.

Avocados.Oh, that's what I want.I just want toast and avocado on it.

I think that's all they have here.

Oh, okay.

No meat.

That's fine.Well, I still have some leftover barbecue in the cooler.Oh, I think it's still good.Well, save it for later.All right, Teresa.It's been an absolute f***ing journey with you.

It's been just such a wild spin around this sun.

I've been flip -flopping, spinning.

Mm -hmm.

Well.

Well, all right.

Captain to captain, fisherman to fisherman, we could keep going.Yeah.They're saying that we should get off, but honestly, we could just keep going.

Time to sink this ship, I guess.Where are your shoes?Lost them back in Nevada.

Oh, I love that we went to Nevada.That was one of our last stops.

We meant to go to Vegas, we ended up in Reno, which was basically Vegas.It was the same.It was the same.I mean, they had...Yeah, it was basically the same.

Yeah, that guy was crazy.

That guy, boy.

he was like spinning around spinning around and he had uh two balls in his hands i know there were basketballs and he was juggling them juggling them with one hand and then he had and then he you know he had a martini on a table