Pakistani Spy - Hamza singh | Fake Podcast

So, let's get started. Namaskar, my name is Prashnukumar and my cast is Podcast. There is a lot of talk about Dhurandhar film in the whole country, after which people came to know about Indian spies. But we thought why not find out about Pakistani spies as well because Pakistan does not have enough budget to make a film on them.

So, today we have called an experienced spy in our studio, Haji Abdul Qadir Jalal.

He is a very famous person. Pakistan. Modi has made it very difficult for me. I saw Nepal and Bangladesh from there.

You can come from there.

So I came from Zimbabwe.

We don't have any border in Zimbabwe.

We took advantage of this. When there is no border, there is no border police.

Okay.

So there was no checking, I came.

So when you came, what was the first thing you did after coming?

He told me that I had to go to Bihari Town. I had to wait for my asset there. I had to give it a code and then get to work.

A code? What was that code?

Darling, darling, why are you open your pants? Drink my Coca-Cola!

What kind of a code is this?

Sir, he used to work in a massage parlour. So I gave him this code. He immediately opened his pants and got me a job in a massage parlour.

Okay. Then what happened?

Now, whether you call it my bad luck or my good luck, that massage parlour was a gay massage parlour. So how can you call it my bad luck or my good luck, that massage parlour was a gay massage parlour.

So how can you call it good luck?

Sir, I had to face a lot of difficulties there. I always used to cry, thinking when will the next client come. And I had to bear a lot of pain, sir. But every time I used to bear it, thinking that this one is for Pakistan. I had to do a lot for my country.

How did you get the motivation to bear all this?

Sir, revenge needs the encouragement of courage. But they took all my courage and encouraged me.

You have endured a lot for your country.

Yes sir. My country must be missing me.

Did you fall in love with anyone in India?

Yes sir. There was a 20 year old college going girl. I trapped her father.

Why did you trap her father? Was he a big politician? No sir. He was a cart driver. Then why did you trap him?

He was sexy, sir.

So what was your goal with this?

I trapped him for the sake of enjoyment. Enjoyment is also a thing.

Anyway, tell me how did you get enrolled in ISI?

Sir, going to ISI is tougher than UPSC. What are you talking about? First, you get scouted. You are observed. Then you are picked up from the street. This is called kidnapping.

Then you have a written test.

In that, you see if you know how to write or not. Then you have an oral test. I don't want to know this. Then there is an IQ test. In that, you are asked to write

things that you know. You have to write Then there is an oral test. I don't want to know that.

Then there is an IQ test. In that you have to decode things and find out. The thing I got was very dangerous.

This is looking very interesting. Tell me.

I got half plant, who got the plant? So I used my scientific knowledge and prove that I was the one who had the disease. Because you were the one who had the disease. Yes, I was the one who had the disease. It was my luck that I was the one who had the disease and I got it. Then there is a physical training.

Physical training?

In that, the trainer is physically with you.

Okay.

Then there is a patience test.

What is that?

In this, the person in front of you is sitting naked in front of you. And you have to be patient. You have to control yourself.

And you controlled yourself?

No, I didn't.

Then how did you get selected?

That's why I got selected.

So, you got selected.

What? I got selected?

That's why you are sitting in front of the camera. I got selected? Obviously, you got selected.

There is also an interview round.

Yes, what happens in the interview round?

In that, we are taken in front of the media and told that, look, he's a new spy, don't tell anyone about him.

Okay.

Then, we work with the US, there's a joint exercise between ISI and CIA. We make a joint with CIA and they enjoy it.

So you have endured all this in India?

Sir, we are ISI. Our ability to endure pain is more than our enemy. I can see that.

So when you came to India with all this training, how was your experience in India?

I don't know how to welcome people of India. Why? I went to Lyari, how the Pakistanis welcomed me, put my hand in my pyjama and smelled it. I smelled it and told them how the petrol was. It was fun.

Didn't that happen with you?

Not a single Indian came to welcome me. Not a single Indian came to put their hand in my pant and smell the petrol. Although there was no petrol there because there is no petrol in Pakistan, but I smelled something. the Smell it first. Why should I smell it? And what are you talking about in front of the camera? So you'll do it behind the camera? Tell me.

No, I'll do it behind the camera.

Turn off the camera.

Why should I turn off the camera? The camera won't turn off.

Why would the camera turn off?

Smell it first.

I won't smell it.

Look at the attitude of the Indians. You guys don't let us play in IPL, so ISI has sent me here after training in cricket so that I can hide my identity, change my identity, and get selected in IPL. And then play and make the IPL situation like PSL.

So you have come here for cricket training?

Yes sir, to destroy IPL.

This is your mission?

Yes.

What training have you taken in cricket?

Yes, in our cricket training, there is a normal day that we come to the field first.

Hmm.

And we start the prayer first.

Okay.

Then we get up from there and put the towel on the pitch. And then we have to warm up, so in the warm up we heat the biryani.

Okay.

Now you will start playing. I have eaten the biryani. Now it will take time to play the wicket. But I have played the wicket for three balls. I have played the wicket for three balls. And now you will start practicing. Now I will rub the ball with my elbows.

Why will you rub the ball with your elbows?

The shine comes in the elbows.

And after that you started. After that I will smell the ball see sir the smell of petrol

when will you start practicing?

I will start practicing now Rizwan will come and he will make me pray again

you just prayed

he does it according to his own he gives motivational speech he will clap for himself for what? I don't know He gives motivational speeches, he will clap for himself, clap, clap, clap. For what will he clap? I don't know, sir.

Why do you need motivation for practice?

I don't feel like practicing, so I need motivation, sir.

What does he say in motivation?

Sir, if we would have known this, we wouldn't have been motivated. Because of such practice, you are in such a bad state that the Pakistan Cricket Board had to take a fine of 50 lakhs from its players. Sir, that is the revenue model of the PCB. If the players don't take money, how will they earn? The PCB has to earn money too. I see that your English is also very bad. Sir, I also see this. So why don't you do anything? Sir, we can't speak English because we don't sell alcohol.

I see.

We drink marijuana and it doesn't mean anything. So we don't do anything.

And just like that, you stole the trophy of our Asia Cup.

Sir, I was also there in that mission. I also helped in stealing the trophy. We have safely hidden that trophy in Hania Amir's toilet.

So, Hania Amir knows about this?

Hania Amir is such a beautiful girl, she won't go to the toilet.

Why won't she go to the toilet? Every person goes to the toilet.

Such a beautiful girl will poop?

Why not? Of course she will.

You are saying Hania Amir poops? Of course she does. Sir, you are crossing the line. Don't put anything in my head.

See, what is practical is practical.

For God's sake, don't say such things, sir.

Look, you can't turn away from the truth.

Does my honey army shit?

Yes, of course it does.

What are you saying, sir? For whom will I live now? She turned out to be unfaithful.

She has started shitting You just said that being a spy is more difficult than preparing for UPSC So have you prepared for UPSC?

Sir, if you want to gain respect in India, you have to prepare for UPSC So I did it And in your country, there is a platform like Unacademy Where all the top teachers of all subjects teach together. So why not prepare? You just saw Mrinal and Mr. Sudarshan together

got the UPSC's number one ranker on Unacademy.

So you're saying that UPSC can be taken out of Unacademy online?

Absolutely, sir. And not even in lakhs, but in 16,999 rupees. At such an affordable price, all the top teachers of the subject will teach you, one year's preparation. And if your audience puts up a fake podcast coupon code, they will also get a discount, sir.

The link is in the description, you guys also go and prepare for UPSC. Tell our viewers how ISI contacts you, what gadgets do you use to spy?

Sir, first of all, to contact, you have to use code language so that the enemy doesn't understand. So, it is encrypted, you have to decode it, it takes a week. Okay. So, like to encrypted message me encrypted

It's a little a key attack India tonight

They can have a cab back there. I've got a new customer Jaya is meant half the dust into lagging in a decode Karna May have they kick it. Yeah, they can ugly then you have you I had It's me like how I it's urgent, mother****er. Hindi No problem. Then why don't you learn English directly? English can be learned. Yes, of course. English is not born with English.

We can also learn by reading and writing.

Sir, this is Intel. I have to tell this to ISI. I will tie this knot. Where did you tie this knot? I will tie the knot of the matter like this.

So this was your gadget, which you decode.

One gadget, should I show you I show you one more gadget?

You have one more gadget.

Look up.

What is this?

Look at this, sir. High tech drone. Look, look, look. The drone has pooped.

This is a pigeon.

This is a pigeon? This is a pigeon, not a drone. That's why I said it wouldn't let me charge my phone. I tried so hard, but he didn't even give me space for the battery. He's a pigeon. See, he just shat on me.

This technology has been developed by your country.

Sir, this is a gadget that will help you locate the enemy. It will help you know what they are thinking and what their next step is. It's such an advanced gadget. It's a very advanced gadget. You just have to help in that. You will have to select a card. Select it. Select it.

This is your gadget.

Now whatever card you get, don't tell me. Just show me the card.

Flip it.

It's 5, right? This is 5 of black betel nut. It means your location is 1500 km away from here in Ladakh. You are sitting there.

How can I be in Ladakh? I am sitting right in front of you.

You know more than this gadget.

Are you mad?

Now you are going to say, run.

Run!

Look, I have lost my face. This is the way Pakistani shows respect. This is how we show respect to our enemy.

So you have brought all these useless gadgets to India.

We have one gadget which we call Mr. Pakistan.

What is this?

When you have no other way, you cannot leave, the enemy surrounds you, then you use that gadget and you will disappear.

Look at this, sir.

Is this something infrared?

No, sir. It has a poison pill. Should I lick it? Tell me. Should I lick it?

Should I lick it?

Why would you lick the poison, bro?

I'll lick it now.

No, why would you lick it? I'll die, tell me. Don't die here, why will you die? See sir, you are scared. This is how the enemy gets scared. So you threaten the enemy to die and scare him?

Sir, I will die, I will have to bury the body, have to clean the blood, have to clean the dust, I will increase his work. So, in fear of increasing the work, the enemy says, leave it, let him go. Come sir. It's been many years since you've been in India.

Don't you miss your home?

Sir, who doesn't miss their family?

Who all are there in your family?

There's a mother. Two sisters.

What happened to the sisters?

She became my wife.

Okay.

So, do you miss your family?

Yes, I have written a letter to my dearest family member.

Look, a terrorist has a feeling. I have written a lovely letter to my mother.

Dear goat.

Goat?

Stay away from your father. Don't come near Babar Azam. No matter how much you say, my form is bad, I am not getting married. Don't go near him. And I felt very bad that you kissed Rizwan.

There are still marks of your kiss on Rizwan's lips.

Stay away from small pigs. They look like pigs but they are actually eggs. Stay away from both. Don't tell this to the goat that I wrote a letter. That letter gets eaten. Don't tell the goat that you wrote a letter. It eats the letter.

I'll earn money from the mission and take you away from that cruel goat. I love you very much.

I... You're writing a letter to the goat?

Why shouldn't I?

Love doesn't look at any religion, any species, any species. Love is to a goat. Sir, why shouldn't I write? Love is not about religion, caste or species.

Love is with a goat.

As a Pakistani spy, what difficulties did you face in India? Sir, I couldn't find a place to stay in India.

Oh.

So I became a Hindu. Oh. And I started doing five-time prayers.

Then did you get a house?

No, sir. Then I said that I am a bachelor, I won a Muslim. And I started doing 5-time aarti. Then you got a house?

No, then I said I am a bachelor, I won't give.

Oh, then what did you do?

I got a place with great difficulty, there I became a landlord spy. What will we spy on? He spied on me. He found out my background, where I came from, what I do, what is my lineage, even though I don't have any family. Okay. Sir, there are such rules in the society. One day I was doing my bump test,

they said there will be no bump test, they called me for a meeting.

Oh.

And roommates, India's roommates are such scoundrels, they eat my food.

Yes, that's true.

Sir, there were only 2 eggs left in the fridge.

Hmm.

Out of fear, I hid them in my underwear out of fear that I'll eat them in the morning. Sir, I woke up in the morning and saw that they had made an omelette with 4 eggs.

But you only hid 2 eggs.

I hid only 2 eggs. But they took out 4 eggs from my underwear, sir. The omelette was tasty, sir. It was very tasty. It was the best, sir.

Then you should...

Yes, it was fun.

It was very fun, sir.

After listening to you, I understand why Pakistan is so far behind India. Whereas both the countries were liberated together. Sir, you just lost to us in the war. Pakistan Pakistan is so high in technology that if there is a match in Multan and it doesn't take a day, you will get the news in the newspaper the next day that Pakistan has lost. You have per capita income, we have per plate income.

Per plate, the more you sell, the more income you get.

Pakistan is so much ahead.

Pakistan is so much ahead. We don't feed you in PSL. We don't give you work in movies. We never gave work to Hollywood. And we don't show our audience in our movies. There is so much attitude in Pakistan. And we are so ahead in terms of drugs.

We are so ahead in terms of drugs that we can smoke anything.

Hmm, I can see that.

Where? I can see it from here again.

Lower it. I want to know from you that what was your biggest mistake as a spy in India?

The biggest mistake I made was that I saw Dhurandar and made an Indian girlfriend. And he failed my mission.

How did he fail your mission?

He was planning to attack Pakistan and India from 26th November. 27th December. And I was going to receive him but he didn't let me go home. He said that you are cheating on me. Where are you going? Then I went and he said that call him and show him that I am with him. me with him. I didn't have time for my girlfriend, so I got a bomb ready. By then, the force came and all my friends were arrested. I ran away.

And even after that, did he stop your mission?

Sir, the information about the next mission was about to come on walkie-talkie.

Okay.

He got hold of that walkie-talkie, sir. He started saying, this is the second phone. Which girl are you talking to? Which girl are youulta? Sir, the elder one called me. He scolded the elder one.

What did he say?

Your mother's a**.

Oh.

Sir, the elder one's face became like Choti Ma'am.

Okay.

And the day was the last day, the attack was about to happen, he said, satisfy me today. I am ovulating.

Okay, so what did you do?

I satisfied her, now what's the point of telling the truth.

And then you left.

No, then I didn't have any energy left. I felt very bad, she said, you are cheating on me. Will a terrorist like me cheat?

No, a terrorist like you can't cheat. You are an honest terrorist.

Thank you, sir.

But this is a commendable thing that an Indian toxic girlfriend avoided such a big attack on India. Kudos to you toxic girls.

Shit!

What is your last wish, by the way? Sir, like every spy, I also want a film to be made on me. Shit! creative freedom. And I will be shown beauty in that. And I will be intelligent in that. I won't be a f*****g character who is giving a podcast in the middle of a mission.

And my role will be done by

Hania Amir.

Hania Amir?

She's a girl. And I want a boyfriend in front of me, a tough one. The demand is the demand. And in the story, we will go to Switzerland. And I will make a reel there in a sari in the snow.

This is your wish?

Yes, this is my last wish.

So, you don't feel like going to Pakistan?

I have been invited to Pakistan many times, sir. But every time I say something that there is a lot of danger here, something is going to happen, there is Intel. to I said, look at Noor, what a handsome guy. It's all Nehru's fault. But he's a traitor to his country. You look like a Pakistani to me.

No, I'm not Pakistani.

Are you anti-national?

No, I'm just asking a question.

You look like a congressman.

No, I...

Oh God.

Aren't you afraid of what will happen to you the day you get caught?

If nothing happens, I'll get experience.

If you get caught, you'll be killed by the electric wires.

I'll tell you everything as soon as I get there. I'll tell you all the secrets of my country. I'll tell you everything. ISI is my love.

You're a true Pakistani. I am scared of the chest.

This podcast is being watched by the people of Pakistan. So, do you want to say something to the people of your country?

I would like to say a poem for the people of my country. Please say it. I will not come return to Pakistan.

Wow!

You can see for yourselves. I will not cook on the stove. I will not return to Pakistan.

It's painful.

I know the goat misses me. But I will not trap a goat again. I will not return to Pakistan. me I will not let them marry any other brother. I will not come back to Pakistan. Now let's see what I have written. Munir is still a kid. His throat is still raw.

You should also come here, friends. Modi Raj is good. My face is shining since I ate the salt of this place.

Amazing!

Now I won't eat the egg burger again. I won't come back to Pakistan. I won't come back to Pakistan. I won't come back to Pakistan.

So, this was Hamza Singh, a Pakistani spy, who is now known to the whole world. So, what message do you want to give him? Write to us in the comment box.

If the world finds out, they will catch me. I will lick you. I will lick you right now. No, no, don't lick me. I will blur your face No, I will lick you I will have to clean it

It's two people's fault

If I don't get 2 million subscribers I will lick you You will get 2 million subscribers I will lick you too

Why should I lick you?

I am not talking about licking this I am not talking about licking this

Then okay Subscribe to him. I'm not talking about this. Then it's fine.