People Changes w/ Duncan Trussell | Your Mom's House Ep. 871

Welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

Well, well, well, welcome to your mom's house.I'm Christina P and with me is Duncan Trussell today.Anything new?What's going on?Just anything at all?You know, usual stuff.

What about you?Anything going on?No, no, not in the slightest.Everything's totally the same as it's always been.It's summer!Listen, listen, I did want to talk to you, Duncan.

I mean, Duncan, you may have noticed that Tom and I have not been podcasting together for the last few months.Yeah, I've been wondering about that.And you may have seen some stories.I thought it was bullshit.That was misinformation.Clearly.

But I just wanted to let you know, and the other staff members here, that the rumors are true, that your daddy and I are divorcing.But it's not your fault.And it's not your fault, guys, in the booth.And that we still love each other very much.We're just going to live in separate homes.but we're still your mommies.

You are bringing up serious divorce PTSD from when I was 10, Christina.This is brutal.

Girl.

You all right?How are you doing?

Yeah, I mean, look, I just want to formally address it to the audience.Yes, Tom and I are divorcing, and it is extremely sad.It's, sorry, I didn't know if I was going to cry this soon.It is very sad.That being said, We have tried to work it out for several years for the sake of our children and our family, and we gave it all we could.but we just couldn't work things out.

We are no longer a couple, but we make the children a priority.And, you know, look, we had 20 amazing years together, and that's a really good run, I think, in a marriage, 20 years together, and we had a very successful marriage.We created this.We have comedy careers.We, most importantly, created a family.But I wanted to address the audience specifically because we've been through a lot together.

For those of you that have listened to us since the very beginning, we've been through Tom and I getting married and living in Silver Lake and being two broke comics.We've been through births and deaths, tragic accidents, cancer, COVID.all the things, and I want you to know that I'm still your mom, and I'm still here, and we will survive.We will get through this bullshit like we have gotten through everything else in life.This is just an unfortunate thing, but we're gonna be okay.Tom and I are, just so everybody knows, like, we are amicable.

This is not an ugly divorce.Like, we're cool, dude.It's been 20 fucking years and we met in our 20s like we met as kids So, you know people changes it's just one of those things and I just also want to say to people who are Because I haven't really looked at social media But from what I've understood some people are taking teams like team Christina or team Tom, please don't do that.There's no need for thatit, number one, because Tom and I do not hate each other.We have a family.

And yeah, you don't need to take teams.He's going to host the show when he can, because he's filming a lot of films and television right now, and I'm going to host the show.And we're still going to have a good fucking time, because we ain't dead yet, right, Duncan Trostle?That's right.And you know some fucking, you know, Cancer couldn't kill me?No.

You think a dude's gonna fucking take me out?No.That's what's up, bitch.Boom.There you go.Wow.

It's out and I feel free because I, you know, it's been, you know, it's been some time coming and I hate, I hate not being transparent.Can I plug my dates?That was amazing.

That was amazing.

That was amazing.What you just did was amazing.Stop, I'm embarrassed.You shouldn't be.No, I'm gonna regroup.Let me let's just start with the opening clip it this is well done.

I go he's looking good.He's in great shape He's wearing Gucci everywhere.He's got Rolexes Porsches.He smells like I would swoop in We're getting whipped Because it's the divorce episode.

Divorce episode!Oh my god!

Fuck it, my life is..a garbage fire.Let's smoke some cigarettes and get drunk and eat dominoes.Who gives a shit?Pizza.Pizza.

Oh yeah.Oh my god, like...Wow.By the way, what a relief to finally be like, yeah, I started smoking again, because I'm getting a fucking divorce.Yeah.

You're allowed.And I'm allowed because I'm in your vicinity.

That's right.Can I use your lighter there?Well, I want to tell you guys, people have been really supportive, and that's really great.And they're like, you should just take care of yourself.You got to take care of yourself.And I'm like, yeah, I wake up.

I take Prozac.I eat one Domino's thin crust pizza a day, a Supreme one.I drink wine and then I rip darts.That's my diet.But I've lost like 10 pounds.It's been really good.

Grief.That's grief -zempic.

Oh, it's cheaper.Divorce is cheaper than a zempic.Oh, yeah, it is.This is nature's weight loss, nature's AIDS.Oh, God.

It's just, I mean, these two things intersecting in your life.I know.Cancer and divorce?

Bro, and like, how long was it?Three years?this is like a three -year span to go through like the most horrific shit.

Yeah.

People are like, moving's hard.That's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Shut the fuck up!Try getting your ball chopped off!

Well, I will tell you, I mean, you understand.Listen, and also the reason I wanted you here specifically today is like, I mean, you're, you're my family.Like literally, literally, I'm the godmother of your four children.That's right.And The Trussells have been there.Cry.

I know.I was just you guys have really been there.for me and I just wanna thank you and you guys were there for one of the hardest days that I had to deal with and I'll never forget that.Duncan was there and Aaron and it was my birthday dinner and I was just losing my shit and Aaron and I were like, Duncan, go get cigarettes.

That's right, you sent me out.

I sent you out for smokes.And I was like, I'm so grateful that you guys were there at that.

point because yeah well you're family my yeah truly like you're we're we're family I know I love you I know and I love them and I'm happy that you're here for this and I'm honored that you invited me and I mean this is a very this is an intense episode huh this is yeah mom's drinking and smoking on this episode I haven't done that in a while well I smoke not drinking alcohol in a while yeah I mean just that that you know You knew that you were going to have to do this.Eventually.Eventually.And here it is.

Thank you.My makeup's all fucked up now.

OK. I mean, you you.Yeah.I am actually amazed at how you're holding it together.Really?Oh, yeah.Yeah, totally.

I mean, these things are.Yeah.These are.things you you're getting these like if you want to like and maybe it's spiritual bypass to convert it into some kind of spiritual analysis that's why you're here dude but if you look at the two great what you're being taught right now from the universe is one of the hardest lessons and the most difficult things to learn, which is change, the reality of change.Nobody wants to...We all know change happens, but when you get the extreme changes, like this, it's like this bubble pops, like this bubble where...

And now you're living in a bubble.reality as it is versus just some kind of fantasy world.

Well, and the reality that I had for most of my adult life is different now.And what's that going to look like?Two decades.Bro, I mean, look, and I love Tom and I will love him forever.He's the father of my children.And I learned a lot.

so much from him.And, you know, we grew up together.And also, you guys, the audience, have grown up with us.You know, you grew up with somebody and then...

People changes.

Yeah, they just changes.What are you gonna do?Everybody changes.I changed tremendously after having cancer.I mean, I had a total awakening.I completely realigned everything inside of me, emotionally, spiritually, physically, I'm rearranged.

You know, and...Yeah, it is a lot to go through at once.And it feels surreal.Like, I don't even think it feels, it's not even real yet.Like, even talking about this right now, I'm like, am I really on the podcast right now?Is it a dream?

Is it some kind of terrible dream you're gonna wake up from?

Like, what the fuck?

I was doing some podcast with an asshole talking about divorce.

And I you know, nobody gets married thinking they're gonna get a divorce and Tom and I had no intention of it clear, right?

Oh, I was there.I remember when I came to your place There's the first time I did YMH.He was he had like I've got a weightlifting set in Redondo.Yeah, just this little table and then you guys it just exploded into this one of the top podcasts.It was awesome.

Yeah.What a fun ride.And like, you know, and I give credit to Tom.Actually, it starts with Joe, because Joe suggested to Tomshould start a podcast.He's like, oh, I saw your wife at the comedy store.

She's funny.You guys should do a show to get a podcast.And then Tom came home and he goes, we should do a podcast.And I go, what's a podcast?And, you know, God love him.He went and bought, like, a soundboard, like the first rinky -dinky soundboard, two microphones, and if you go, it's on YouTube, I think, the early days in Silver Lake, and we're newlyweds, and we're poor, we got married with 200 bucks between us, and just trying to make it in show business, and we fucking did, and it was miraculous, and we have a beautiful family, we have a beautiful life, and it's okay, nothing lasts forever, 20 years is a long time to be with somebody.

It is insane.That statistically improbable.

Oh, well, what how long are people usually me?Oh, that's like the first one with red So this is so this is like this is like the first episode.Look at that.

This is episode number one.

Shut up So this is a red band used to have a house in Burbank and here's Tommy Knight sitting on his sweaty ass couch I remember that house.No AC.He couldn't run the AC unit because it was too loud.It would interfere with sound And we're just talking about, I remember we talked about LSD and, you know, everything.And look at us, so young.I was maybe 32.

Yeah, look at young Red Van.Everyone's so young.

I know.

But it feels like that was yesterday.

I know.I know.Just how quickly time moves.Feels like just yesterday.Like time doesn't exist or something.Look at those Pixies Vans.

Those were my most favorite shoes.That's so good.Yeah, he's got his cat back there, the Red Bang cat.

That's right.It's his signature.Weirdly, Bobby Lee has the same cat.

Oh, we didn't even talk about my new, my potential suitor.I mean, I'm sure one of many, right?Listen, let me..hold on.Let me play this other thing from Bobby before we go on.He submitted this video.

Yeah, it's really nice, right?

It's flattering.

Yeah.

Let's see.Here's the deal.I gotta be honest too.Like it's not my priority clearly.Like my priority is my sanity and my children at the moment.but that TMZ article dropping was like an international dick alert and I was flooded with like every dick.

Like an AMR alert for dicks.

Peschitzky single.

And you know, I have to say it is flattering.I have barely, yeah, no, I'm not fucking there yet.

It's gotta be a jungle of dicks in your DMs.

Dude.Yeah.I mean, I didn't...Okay, actually, that's not true.I did know that Bobby Lee liked me, because I'll tell you a little story about he and I, like, a million years ago.The very first time I ever did stand -up was in the belly room at the Comedy Storm.

And I was so fucking nervous.You know that first set where you're like, I'm gonna die.Today's the day I'm gonna die.And I was taking shits.Like, I had so many diarrhea shits.Like, that whole day, you just shit all day to your first set.

And actually, the first seven years, I had diarrhea.Anyway...Still have diarrhea.So I was sitting on the couch in the green room and in comes Bobby Lee and he sits down next to me and he starts like trying to chat me up, you know?He's like, oh, hey, what's up?And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

I had to tell him like, I'm so nervous.I have to go take a shit right now.And he was like, that's okay.Like he was so sweet.So I do have a soft spot.for Bobby Lee, but let's see the whole context, because I want to know how strong of an offer this really is.

Let's look.I bet it's strong.Really?Yeah, because I know that she's dated Asians before.Two.Oh, she has.

Two Asians.The one before was Asian.So she has that fucking little fucking thing.She likes little something -something.

Yeah, yeah, she liked the yellow one.I think they were like, no offense, but I think they were like gentrified Asians.What do you mean?I think they were like regular, like more accessible Asians.No, no, no, no.No, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, you're like, you're like - I'm the rice guy, I carry the rice in the field.

No, no, no, no, you're like more like food truck Asians.They were more like - Like a chef.No, they were like corner office Asians.

Yeah, but I'm more like Roy Choi.Like, I have my own, like...Oh, all right.

Yeah, he owns a food truck.

Yeah.

He owns a food truck.Yeah, yeah.You are Roy Choi.Yeah, you are Roy Choi.No, that's what I'm saying.I agree with you.

Like, I have one called Coconut Cupcakes.

Soy Boy.You're Soy Boy.

Soy Boy, Coconut Cupcakes.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.No, no, no.I agree with you.

Still cool.I agree with you.I agree with you.Okay.Here's the deal.She's not gonna fuck you, man.

It's definitely not happening.You're fishing.She's not gonna fuck you.If Tom cheated on her and she was single...

No.

I could think I could swoop in, dude, like a fucking little bird.Absolutely not.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That was phenomenal.Is that true?Well, so here's what's true.I have dated one Asian.I don't know where they got two Asians from.And like, I almost married the Asian guy before Tom.

But, you know, that didn't happen.But yeah, I mean, look, I'm, I'm, I don't have a type.Like, do you have a physical?No.I don't kind of believe in that.

Yeah, no, I don't have a type.

It's the person.It's the whole person.

Right.Yeah, the type.That's kind of weird, isn't it?Because it's like the type thing, like with the physical appearance.

Yeah.

That becomes irrelevant at some point.

So fast.so fast cuz you've sure you've dated like really attractive zeros and after a while you're like you suck like your brain it's it's a it's incredible how dangerous symmetry can be because You know what I mean?

Like anyone could be under that beautiful symmetry.Anything could be under that, you know?And also, like you were saying, people fucking change.Yeah.That's the that's the main point here.Yeah.

Is like people reincarnate during a lifetime.and suddenly you're like with somebody who is just starting a new incarnation and it's not the person that, that person seems to have died.

Yes.

It's very, it's fascinating.

Well, that's so true because I don't think I'm the same person I was five years ago with everything that's happened to me or even cellularly, don't we regenerate every cell every seven years in our body?I don't know.It's like probably not true.Someone told me that once.It's true.That's true.

Of course.I mean, we've known comics.Like, remember Ari when he was a dick?Oh, yeah.He sucked.Like, 20 years ago, he was such a dick.

And now he's the best.

Yeah, he went through a poisonous phase.I remember Poisonous Ari versus Wonderful Ari.It just happens.Raising kids.That changes you.When you watch your child's personality change over the course of a year into sometimes a great person, sometimes what appears to be some kind of hell race.

You know, you see how transient identity is.Not to mention physical form.It's wild.It is wild.

Yeah.Well, also shout out to Ari, because when I was in England, and Frances Foster, I was in a pub in London when that TMZ article broke, and I was so grateful to be with friends.Like, what are the chancesthat a I was out of the country fucking great and be amongst like old, like a real friend, like Ari's been in our lives forever.Forever.And now he's awesome.

He's not a shithead anymore.No.And he, it was like the best company to have.And I just, I really appreciate Ari being there.Okay.

So you're in, you're in Europe.So like, these are the kinds of things that do make me wonder about reality or do make things seem unreal, which is what are the odds that somehow you'd be out of the country?Thank God.Thank God.With a comedian who's we've been with forever.

Yeah.

I mean, all these things, the synchronicities there are crazy.

I know!But it's like, it does feel that way that I being divinely, you know, there's always rhyme and reason to these things.And I'm telling you, I know it after cancer, and I had my like awakening and everything.I was like, my life is about to fucking change.Something is a brewing.This is a huge realignment.

Yeah.And it is.And it sucks.It fucking sucks.I mean, these have probably been the darkest years.The last three years have been the darkest years of my life.

Yeah.

I mean, you went through cancer.Yeah.

And it I went through cancer.My mom kicked the bucket.Yeah.All these things just sort of piled on top of each other to the point where you just become you become strangely optimistic, not because stuff is so dark, but because there does seem to be some kind of divine plan.Apparently, at this point in your life, you are ready to learn these things.And so they come to you, and you learn them, or you don't.

And then you repeat the thing.

And you repeat.Yeah, you repeat.

I'm in that place of reinventing myself or reinventingmyself where you're like, okay, what happened the last 20 years?Okay, this was good, this was good.Well, how did things go sideways?And you look at your part in the relationship and you do an autopsy and you're like, okay, I can see that.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And how do I not want to proceed the next 20 years?

Right.

It's hard.It's the work of being human and like, I know that I was given this crazy life for a reason, and I'll make sense of it.I'll make something good of it, you know?Because I'm not going to fucking lay down and just die yet.

Valley of the Shadow of Death.Yeah.You're in the Valley of the Shadow of Death.Is that what it is?Well, it's the bardo in Tibetan Buddhism.And also, what you just described, by the way, what you just said, is exactly what people who have near -death experiences, that happens to them.

Life review.It's clearly, you've died, like a death has happened.Yes, 100%.Obviously, you haven't physically died, but this is death.This is an ending.You know, when a relationship ends, I had a therapist who explained this to me.

Please.So when there's a relationship, a third entity appears.A couple creates like a third, not a literal entity, but there's a being, a sort of a quality that is formed from the relationship.This is a living spirit that is there.And so when a relationship ends, that thing dies.It perishes.

So it is grief.It is the death of this, that thing that, you know, as my therapist said, that won't ever appear.That only appears between two people.It'll never appear again.It could be a different thing or a better thing, but that thing, gone.And so that is grief.

And that is death.And then you have to go through that, which is the value.I think that's why they call it the valley of the shadow of death.Because you're when my mom died, it was like a shadow was over everything.Everything was darker.Everything was when I had cancer, a shadow.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, that's the Bardo the in between the back rooms in between the phases of your life.It's just this in -between place that you find yourself in.The way you react to it, the way you're reacting to it is incredible.You're eating pizza and smoking or whatever.Give me a break.

I know I could be doing much worse, but I'm a mom, I gotta hold my shit together.I can't have a nervous breakdown.I would cry when the kids were at school, or Tom takes them, and I have my tears when I'm not being a mother.But you're right, it's grieving.But what a wonderful space Tom and I were able to create for 20 years.And a lot of it is, this was a huge part of our relationship, because this was actually what we did in private, is have these funny little dumb conversations.

And what if we just talked about farting and weird stuff on a show?And then it just kind of snowballed.But we had a wonderful world for many years together.So fun and so silly and just...Yeah, I mean, I got nothing but like great memories.

All these things grew out of it.I mean, you know, not just this show, or his show, but look at all the shows on this pocket, like, all of these, like, just it created all these sparks.And it's so beautiful.That's so beautiful.And those are those aren'tdead.

Those are still around.And I don't know, maybe I'm being a little too severe in the whole death thing.But that's how I look at any time a relationship ends.It's so strange.It's like you're sharing this dream together, and then suddenly you go into different dreams.different universes.

It's so trippy.

It is wild.We vacationed together with our children in London.We're not at each other's.We are still a family in many regards.He and I have such a good rapport from being together for 20 years.He's my family.

He's always going to be my family.But I did one time, I looked over at him and I was like, oh, that's so weird.my husband anymore and for 20 years you've been calling somebody this title and this being and this light and then and then just like one day you decide no more and you're like your brain can't no you can't even understand the change it's it's so severe well are you neurologically wired I'm sorry cut you off no are you When you're like, doesn't your brain actually sort of like neurons make connections?

Like there's a physiological component to a relationship.So when you lose someone, whether through divorce or they pass away, your brain's still wired for that other reality.Maybe that's what produces that dreamlike state.Your brain is like, this isn't real.This isn't what's happening.

Yeah, I think I was dissociated for a lot of Like when your relationship is coming to a close, I think I was just dissociated, like I was out of my body for a lot of this time.And then now I'm finally back into it.I mean, kind of just because the news is out.like oh god okay now now this is reality and I can settle into this new normal and we can start to configure what parenthood is gonna look like what's our day -to -day gonna look like what you know how what's our relationship gonna look like and thankfully he and I are able to work on that and work through it and yeah It's incredible, you guys are still talking, and everything's working out, and you're hanging out.

That's so good, because I watch Dateline.You know what I mean?No, most people, a lot of people are not as advanced when it comes to the end of a relationship.They like go out and buy cyanide.

You know what I mean?

They go so insane.They're not like, oh, it's a time to learn and reflect and become a better person.They're at the fucking store.Like what's the what kills rats fastest?

Well, look, I don't listen.I don't mean to think that I'm all peace and love.I wasn't at the beginning.I was very angry and very upset.But as a child of divorce, Didn't want to be my mother who was like your father is decent that the father is a piece of shit And I'm like why my kids are half Tom, right?So if I'm crapping on Tom I'm shitting on who half of they are that's right and if there's anybody like I know it's hard and but it's worth it because you're You're sparing your children the misery of your suffering.

Yeah, my mother was so bad at shielding me from her animosity towards my father and it Just destroyed me.

Yeah.

Call your father.The child support needs to happen.And then you're like, now I got to call my dad.Where's the child support?

Your mom made you bill collect for child support?

Yeah, bitch.Annie, does that sound like familiar?

That's so fucking funny.That's so funny.Did you have to do that too?I literally did the same thing.Of course.And I had to like sneak it in where she was like, just like talk, you know, like, oh, we could use some help.

Just like same.Yeah.People send us something that's but of course.

But I'll tell you something else.When I lost my financial aid in college.That training helped me.She goes, go into the financial aid officer's place and you cry and you tell him a story.And I was like, that is diabolical.I didn't have to do all that.

But I was like, I knew how to ask for money is what I'm saying.

Because she trained me with my dad.

Well, what was your parents' divorce like?I mean, I think this does bring up everybody's divorce trauma.Everybody is traumatized.Totally.

When I saw that article and then saw it's going down, I'm telling you, it was crazy how I just sort of like quickly repeated my parents' divorce.I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I remember tell an heir and like, they'll get back together.

Yeah, they're gonna get there.

They'll get back together.And I realized, Oh, my God, I used to do that with my parents.Oh, my God, it's it.I'm actually going back to like, that your first like realization of like, yeah, you know, relationships don't last sometimes.Yeah, things change.People split up.

But It sounds like you guys versus, I mean, my dad was at, like, my mom moved to North Carolina.My dad stayed, like, we would go visit him in the summer.We'd have to go to the airport.In some like in those days, like divorced kids would go with some airport employee.They take you and put you in essentially a fucking closet with the other divorced kids.Stop it.

I swear to God, you'd sit because they fly.

Your mother had to essentially like you're flying a minor.You're flying a minor.

So you end up in a room with like divorced kids, shit toys and everyone's like depressed.And then, yeah, you you you fly to visit your your dad.So I was like my, after the divorce, my year got broken up into school year with mom, summer with dad.And so that was weird.

Yeah, it is.Yeah, that's really the goal here is to keep our kids' lives as seamless as possible.

That's the hardest part with all of this stuff.It's like, they don't, they don't need to suffer because we failed at this.

Right.And yeah, I mean, you know, my parents got married and remarried fucking two, three, five.I'm on my, my dad, I haven't even met my latest stepmother.She's younger than me and I don't even know who the fuck it is.But like, you know, it's just, it's such a nightmare because if you've grown up in it, you know how sad it is and how, how, but the, but the thing I've learned is that the kids can tolerate that stuff.as long as you're not talking shit about the other parent in front of them.

That this is the key and to not be resentful and not let that failure of a relationship destroy you.Because I've known so many women of my mother's generation, and I think even my mother's divorce just annihilated her.She could not recover from this idea that my father was her savior, her way out of Hungary.They got married at 18, 19.They escaped from Hungary together.She saw him as her father, I think, as everything.

So when they split, she was completely broken.And there was no therapy back in the 80s.You know, she was from the old country.She just listened to Edith Piaf and, you know, I don't know, ate frozen yogurt and cussed about my dad a lot.So they also didn't have the resources to, I mean, I'm in therapy a lot.Like, we're double, triple time.

Yeah, this is, this is modern parenting.Cause that's,was not going on during the divorce boom that we went through.No!That was not happening.It was like, just more like what your mom was doing, or your dad.

There was vengeance.Yes.There was vengeance fucking.You know what I mean?Vengeance fucking.Of course.

Which is so - Did your mom do that?What?Your mom did it?I mean, look, this is - Yeah!I don't know if she would have cooked.

Wait, your dad's dead, right?

Yeah.

Okay, so we can talk.I mean, did we cheat on her and then she flipped out?

You want to hear a crazy story?Always.So, I don't think I've ever talked about this in a podcast.

Great, let's do it.Can I have some more wine, please, with some ice in it?

Can I have some more vodka, please?

Yep.I like mine Florida style.

Look, I just want to say...

Yeah, they're dead.You can talk about it.

You know, people change.You know, people go through phases, people change, people get better.There you go.Everybody goes through like the poison phase.I just feel like I need to say this because I love my parents so much and they're good parents.But what I found out way later, way later about, you know, why the divorce happened is, and this is a story I heard and came from my mom, not my dad, which is one of the things that, you know, to me was so incredible, is that my father knew every detail of what happened.

And my mom, she wasn't as cruel as your mom was, but she definitely wasn't, like, nerfing her feelings about my family.

What a great term.Did you come up with that?

No.That's so clever.She was, like, very open about, like, you know, my dad and all of his issues and child support and such.But yeah, as the story goes,my father unexpectedly came home from a work trip, classic, classic.Is that the beginning of old school?

Yes, this is real.

It's not just a joke.And apparently, came home to my mother on the couch.And I don't know if they were fucking or just, I don't know what was happening there, but I don't want to know.With a priest.

Stop!

A Catholic one?No, I think this was Episcopalian.Stop!

Are they allowed to fuck?

No!You're not supposed to fuck up with married people or Episcopalian priests.No one's supposed to be fucking married people, especially not a priest.

But can't they fuck in general Episcopalians?

It gets worse.Oh yeah, Episcopalians.Sorry, I don't know why I care about that.It's important to know.It's horrible.Thanks, Josh.

Episcopalians, thank you so much.What?

Was he in the outfit?Did he have his collar on?How did he know?

This is how he knows.This is how I knew.And I, again, I might be warping some things here, but you see, my father, you know, when divorce is happening, when relationships are ending, especially with kids, you do try to fix it.All kinds of things.And I remember as a kid, you know, realizing I didn't know they were getting divorced, but just, I just, suddenly my dad wasn't there as much.And, but, um, So in what I think was an attempt to make the marriage work, they dove into religion, and I remember they started getting into this thing called De Caloris, which is some kind of Episcopal, I don't know what, some Episcopal thing.

My father, who is not really a religious man, actually started going to church with us, and my mom, and it was wild, because I was like,dad was always the one who was like rolling his eyes at prayers at dinner and stuff and like and I think it was the priest at that thing that my dad went to that ended up banging my mom and my dad walked in on that and then, as the story goes, went to his car, retrieved a shotgun that he used for quail hunting, went into the house, intending to, I think, kill my mom and the priest and himself, and the gun jammed.thus proving the power of God protecting that priest.You know what I mean?All of us, the gun jammed, and it didn't work.And so he just went and got in his car.

I think my brother and myself were at my aunt's house at the time and had no idea that like the for a second the coin was spinning the coin was spinning we were about to be orphans yeah you know what i mean and yeah but uh and so that that was what that's my divorce story but i didn't know it till i was older i just knew they like split up i didn't know like the how sorted the whole thing was when did you how old are you when you heard this story Oh, I was like in my 20s.My mom came out to LA and told me this story that she'd been holding and had been eating her alive for so long.And this was part of her evolving as a human and her realizing that she didn't want to live in a lie anymore.And it was really a beautiful, brave thing she did.People fuck up.Yeah, you know, and people go through insane periods of their life.

And yeah, like, you know, but we that which doesn't mean you're supposed to like, necessarily forgive them, but just at least like,

recognizing like my god everyone goes nuts everyone goes nuts i know yeah and i i think because my bar is so Is it high or low?Because we grew up in chaos, Annie and myself and apparently you.You just think that this shit's normal.Because you're like, doesn't everybody have a dad that wants to kill their mom?And then you go through it and people are like, wow, you're really holding up.I'm like, well, yeah, because the first part of my life was fucking chaos.

Training.

Training for this shit.So like, wow, Duncan, that is a wild story.Is that wild?

That is just wild.

Your life could have been gone completely sideways.And you know what's amazing?I mean, I think everybody knows this fact, but when I went to law school for two whole weeks, I just remember learning in criminal law, the crime of passion.So like, had your father done that, he wouldn't go to jail for that long.Because the court is like, well, yeah, she had it coming.I mean, yeah, you're given, you're given leeway for like, Crimes of passion, yeah, because it's understandable.

I would fucking do the same thing.Your brain breaks.I would go crazy if that was my story.I would be like, yeah.

You'd serve two tours of duty in Vietnam.You had PTSD.You walk in on your wife getting banged down by the priest.A priest, bro.Who you were praying with.I mean, yeah, your brain snaps.

But you know, these things are like, I just think.God.You know, everybody, you can take anything and use it as an excuse to be an asshole for the rest of your life.And those very same things quite often are the things that you can use to be a better person for the rest of your life.It's thisthing.

You can either be a bitter, jaded person blaming your victim, you're a victim.The world sucks and everything's bad.Why did that fucking happen to me?What the fuck?Or you, you know, grieve and then you move on.

You go into.But I think the spiritual crisis awakening I had after cancer taught me that oh this is just the soul's purification like all these things are just yeah all of this stuff is gonna clean out your early trauma your life trauma and you're gonna be a clean I see it as like a spiritual brush coming in and like cleaning out The stuff you learned as a kid to survive, like those survival ways of being, and then now I'm so lucky that I get to go into the next part of my life with that stuff kind of cleared up and hopefully I'll make different choices and lead a more aligned life.Because you're like, yeah, that life was good for the time.Listen, 20 years with Tom was amazing.And like I said, very productive, wonderful, wonderful.It's it's obviously there's a reason he and I can't do the next 20 together.

He's going his way I go my way and we all have different lessons to learn.Yeah, that's the fucking thing Yeah, but yeah, you know, what's so crazy too when when you tell me the story I I think I didn't realize how crazy the world was until like the past few years where you're like how people do that and Like, is nothing sacred?Is nothing sacred?A priest has sexual demerit?Is nothing sacred?And then you're like, yeah, they're just human.

That's the essence of human, is to be fallible and shitty.And hopefully learn, like you said, hopefully learn to not be so shitty.

Yeah.Yeah.And just, you know, the, I mean, it's when, you know, like people like Ram Dass are saying, be human.now.

I love him.I do too.

I can't believe he married.Do people know that?

Yeah, I think so.That's like the coolest thing ever.It is crazy.Yeah, he's rad.But that saying, you know, in moments like this, that really is all you have.Because when you are, when you're getting the lesson in impermanence, and yeah, I know, I know.

But when you're getting this lesson, as you are, you you start looking at, okay, wait, what do I really have, though?Like, what do I have?So true.And all you have is this.

Yeah.

Because, because, because if you know, my ball was not guaranteed.My mom died.Your marriage was not guaranteed.My tits weren't guaranteed.Your tits weren't guaranteed.

Then nothing's guaranteed.I know.And I was, this is so crazy.I was saying, sorry, I hope I didn't cut you off.No, you didn't.Okay.

I was talking to my shrink yesterday.Cause I, like I said, now I'm in this place of like, well, what is reality?And you know, you go through this thing after while divorcing him, I think where you're like, well, what is real?Okay.So what is real?And I was like, I'm real, my connection to myself is real, not the personality self, but the real self, the self where you sit quietly and you meditate and you connect into the upper regions, that's real, okay, check.

Yesterday I was like, well, my kids, my love for my children, they're real, that's real, check.I'm swimming in this pool, thankfully yesterday I had the opportunity to swim, and I was like, this feels great, my body is still here, check.Okay, I'm gonna be okay.Those things are still here.God, I'm gonna cry now.And, you know, friendships.

like the people that I've been so lucky in my life that like, yeah, yeah, I have like comedy friends, but I also have people that I've known since I was a kid, like since I was 13.And women that I've known since I was 13.And you're like, well, that's what matters, dude.Like when this shit went down, those bitches and I were together straight away.And like, they've been with me this whole time.And then you're like, thank God I, I'm lucky enough to have friends that I've had my whole life because showbiz.

I mean, we're lucky that we're show business friends because and the circle that we have is like real.Yeah.But a lot of people in show business don't like they have celebrity friends, which is like you can't have those.But it's not the same as like people that know you from the time you were little.

Yeah.

And have watched you grow and have grown with you.And I think that's the secret, because like my girlfriends are fucking deep, do like I don't kick it with.

with um surface level basic bitches i just can't i can't i can't i'm just like i mean that's what's real that's what i've discovered in this whole thing is like love love love is real yeah and that yeah doesn't go anywhere no and that doesn't get old no it doesn't get young it just it that's the thing that you know not to like black pill you hear, that pool might dry up.

Of course, the house will set on fire tomorrow.

The money goes, your body goes, it all goes.But you know one thing I've noticed is like the old, when I look back and think of people from my past, the bad shit about them, I don't remember as much as the good stuff.It's the love is what doesn't seem to go anywhere.It's with you, it's there all the time.When you have children,you know, you've it's in if you look at like your, your intent right now, it's all based in love.

Of course, it's all based on, you know, loving your children and loving those 20 years loving Tom and loving Tom, and that won't go anywhere.

No.

And it just, It just is all you end up having left.That's all there is.When you die, that's what's going to be there.Or you're going to be all like, you know, you've held on to your bitterness and you're going to just have a horrible death and you're going to freak out as you're dying and you're going to go to the Bardo and demons are going to rip you to pieces.

That's so true.Because like I talk about this in my And one of my specials, when I broke my ankle, they gave me ketamine, but they gave me a fuck ton of it, dude.Like to the point where I was like in a Legoland.Dude, I was like, what is this?Yeah.And I had this vision of like, what's important.

And I made peace with my mother.I made peace with my father.And I woke up with tears streaming down my eyes.And I was holding Tommy's hand and I was like, dude, this is all that matters.This love between us and the family and the children.And I was not thinking about how much money I had made.

I wasn't thinking about how many dates I fucking did that year or how much money I had made or how successful I was or who liked me.It was literally like the core motherfuckers in my life.And that was it.That's it.I hope my oncologist isn't watching.I'm sure they understand.

Well, you know what they told me?Actually, this is really interesting.I went for my one -year checkup, you know, and just, like, randomly, I'm talking to the oncologist and the assistant, and she's like, how's your sister -in -law?And I was like, oh, she's great, because Jane was there for a lot of my cancer stuff, you know?And she's like, you know, a lot of people get divorced after cancer.And I was like, what?

Really?Like, that's crazy.Why?At the time, I really was like, that sounds really...And I think because it really changes, it rearranges you in such a way, you know?I don't know.

That is fucking nuts.I know.Wait, were you married?No, you weren't married when you had...

No, I wasn't married.I wasn't married.That's good.

Yeah.Did you have a relationship at the time?

Sort of.I was just dating at the time, but it's, you know...It's a hard sell in a dating relationship.I've got testicular cancer.I know we've been seeing each other just for a few weeks, but you're still into me, right?

You don't want kids.

I'm going to be getting radiation.I might need a ride to radiation.I've been seeing each other for just a few months.Oh, my God.

A ride to radiation.God damn.

But I got to tell you, man, nothing's darker than that shit.Like seven weeks.of radiation five days a week and I saw people fucking dying in the hallway like legit there were people that didn't make it that I fucking talked to every day and you're like oh that's that's suffering like if I can get through this and I can walk out of here and I get to ring this bell and like go home yeah and you did anything else is fucking lucky you're lucky to suffer through other bullshit that's right well you know this suffering situation is

quite often, the pain, this is, you know, it's like, if you're a fish, you're gonna be wet.If you're a human, you're gonna feel pain.If you have a body, you're gonna feel pain.But the suffering thing is, you know, I have this guy on my podcast, Ramdev is his name, and he...

Ramdev?

Yeah.

Any relation to...

Ram Dass.Yeah, same guru, same community.But he has this thing called the Living Dying Project.And he sits with dying people, people who are dying.It's like a form of hospice.But he talks a lot about how this suffering is quite often not coming to terms with reality as it is.

Here's what's happening.This is it.This is real.You're going through divorce right now.You're recovering from cancer.Real.

And where you start suffering is where you start thinking, it shouldn't be like this.And then that's where the pain starts.But when you just fully, fully connect with this as it is, Well, yeah, the pain is there, but the suffering is the resistance to reality as it is.And that's where I will go crazy, where shit isn't going my way, because I think I have a way.This isn't my way.Who the fuck do I think I am?

This is the way.It's what's happening.The pain is not going anywhere, but you don't have to crucify yourself.on the fantasy of what you thought your life would be versus what it is.And I don't think you can't self -crucify, honestly.One of your hands would be up.

How do you nail the other?

It's so true.But I think for me, I always resist the pain, the suffering, I resist it so hard.Like I, what I learned through this process, like really truly through this divorce process, was being able to be like, like you have your good days and you have your not so great days, but when it's a bad day, to not resist it and be like, fuck that, I'm gonna fucking do this, like the acting out stuff that you're talking about, like that our parents did.And it's like, well, what if I just sat here and I sat with the sadness?Like, what if I sat with this abandonment feeling?What if I sat with this sorrow?

What would happen?Oh, you're just gonna cry.You're gonna cry.And then the sooner you confront it and face it, then you just move on with your day.And then you're like, let's order Domino's.Who wants Domino's?

Yeah.And you order pizza.And then you're done with the suffering and you kind of ride the waves of being a human.It's quite a lesson in being human.

I'm so glad you're saying it, man.A lot of people don't.I wish I knew that a long time ago, because my technique has always been to sweep that thing under the rug.

Everybody wants to be in pain.Sweep it under the rug and get high.

That'll fix it.I'll just ignore it and get high.

Of course, but I do that too.Like, I'm not saying I'm immune to, hello, look at me here.I'm ripping darts and drinking wine.

You're not sweeping anything under a rug right now.

You're doing the opposite.I'm doing it in conjunction.

Give me another dart.You got it.Here you go.Look, I don't, I don't, listen, I'm not.

Yeah.

That's the other part of it.That's the other crazy thing is like when you're grieving, Somehow you managed to beat yourself up.I know over the way you're doing it.No, what's wrong with me?Look at me.What a mess I should know what should you be doing right now?

Do you do that too, though?Or just you're just noticing what a piece of shit I am.No, are you fucking?kidding?Oh, you beat yourself up too?

That's so embarrassing.I'm always in the ring with myself.Always.How do you win that boxing match?It's like, you only lose if you're beating yourself.But of course, you're just like, I should have been more graceful there.

Oh, and my mom was dying.Why wasn't I like this?Why was I down in the basement?Why was I down in the basement reading Oh God, what's that?The Hunger Games on my Kindle.That's what I did instead of spending time with her.

I'm like, I just can't deal with the fact she's dying.Beat yourself up for that.You beat yourself up for all the shit that you did wrong in like one of the most difficult situations you could have been in.What use is that?

I know.I hate that.And I hate that I beat myself up.

There you go.

Now you hate the part of yourself that I'm the same thing.It's a loop.It just goes on and on.Deception of self -abuse.

Yeah, and instead of just this, here it is.This is what's happening, including the beating of oneself in all of it, and this is the human experience.

Exactly, and it's like a loop.You just go into another thing that you need to learn, and then another thing that you need to learn.It's just like, fuck, I don't know, dude.I don't know how much longer.

I'm glad I'm 50.I don't want to die or anything.

But like, you know what I mean?You're like, I don't know.This is a crazy ride.

All right, let me stop you there.Because right there, you have a fantasy.The fantasy is that death is an escape.

It's not?

This is the fantasy that a lot of the secularists don't realize.The secularist who's rolling their eyes.Me and Aaron make fun of this all the time.

Sky Daddy!Oh, you're gonna pray to your Sky Daddy?You're gonna pray to your Sky Daddy?

They're gonna pray to their Sky Daddy.Now they put this mask on and go to the pharmacy to buy Xanax.It's like, no offense for the atheists out there.I have friends who are atheists.

And the Xanax poppers, go on.

Yeah, no offense to the Xanax poppers, the atheists, or to anybody out there, but the fantasy of the secularist is that death equals extinction.As Richard Dawkins said, death is the anesthesia that saves us from the pain of life.Now, this is a heaven.Dawkins' version of heaven is being getting that shit that Michael Jackson did to fall asleep, but for eternity.Propofol.Propofol.

Dawkins' version of heaven is Propofol for eternity.Now that's a fantasy.We don't know what's gonna happen.But his idea is all the karmic momentum ceases upon the extinction of the physical body.No.What a great fantasy.

If it's true, hell yeah.Let's hope so.Propofol for eternity?That is paradise.Yeah.But I'm not so sure.

So the fantasy that upon death, all the suffering ends.I don't think so.I think the momentum carries on.And in fact, I don't even think there's respite.I don't think you even get a breath to rest.

Thanks for coming in, Duncan.This has been a really - And it goes on and on!You're right, but you're right.No, you're right.So deal with it now.No, you're right, babe.

And here's how I know you're right.I am, and this is crazy when you start to realize this shit too, where you look at your life and the decisions you've made and how they, I mean to a T, I've recreated my mother's trauma.Yeah.And but here's what's really interesting.I recreated what she had to deal with.But now I'm given the opportunity to take it in a different direction.

Yeah.

So this is the choice.And I don't know if I'm going to be able to resolve it in my lifetime.Maybe my children.Well, obviously, they're going to carry some of the same karmic bullshit into their existences and so forth and so on until it happens.out of this line, I guess.Is it your spirit line or something?

Like your soul lineage?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah, this is because this feels familiar, these issues.I'm like, oh, this is my mother's karma, but it's also my karma.It's also my dad's karma.It's the same fucking thing over and over.We just marry our parents over and over.

Over and over.I know.I know.But may I point out some good things here?Of course.Because, you know, look, look at what you're doing.

What you're doing right now is setting an example for a lot of people about one way to end a relationship.Because what you're doing right now with like a massive platform, filled with people who want to take sides, filled with people who want to crucify one of you if they can, filled with people sitting here probably feeling a little bit of blue balls right now because instead of coming out with guns blazing all bitter and angry and pissed and saying horrible things and you are being incredibly vulnerable and honest and compassionate and Talk about alchemizing the karma of your ancestors, because this is not what your mom would do.

That's true.Thank you for saying that.

And I think it's quite beautiful what you're doing.Thank you, Duncan.

Thank you.I love you.You're my comedy brother.Love you, too.You're my brother.Now, let's get on to some fun stuff.

Yeah, let's show me some freaks.Not just that, you know, I will be a single gal.soon in the world.And I have so many things I don't know.Like Tom and I got together in 2005.This is like my space.

I've never texted dudes.I've never been on a date.I've never done.I don't even know if I have to wax my asshole and my pussy.I feel like.I don't know.

Is that mandatory?I heard it's mandatory now.

I've been married for a long time and I don't know what's going on.I don't know what the waxing rituals are right now.

Josh, do I have to wax my asshole and my pussy?

I think the bush is back in fashion, to be honest.Hey.For real?I think so.Full bush or landing strip?You gotta trim it a little bit.

You can't go like full 70s.

I don't like full 70s.I like the undercarriage clean and then a landing strip.Can I get away with that?

I think so.I mean, the landing strip might be a little dated, to be honest.

Well, what do I do?

I think, I mean, you know, just keep it trimmed.Keep it manicured.

Landing strip, by the way, is a mohawk.

That's tight.That's punk.I like that then.

Triple landing strip.Yeah, just keep it somewhere in between, I think.

Yeah.Great.I don't want to do any of this.

I don't think you want the type of man who gives a shit.

Good point.

If I'm being honest.

That's true.That's a good point.

But I, okay, so I did mention briefly that during the international dick alert, I finally, when things calmed down, I did have the courage to vaguely look at these DMs, and I picked some choice ones.

Oh my God, you're showing this.This is so good.

Everyone's wondering.It's so good.I figured, like I said, this is the first time in my life I have, and honestly, when I was married to Tom, like, Every now and then some guy would be like, you're fucking hot.Your husband sucks.And I'd be like, whatever.But this has been a torrential downpour.

Coming from Instagram or what?Just the gram.Just the gram.And again, very cursory look.I'm not looking to date right now.I am not looking.

But you know, why not set up a hotline?

They did it for us.They did it for the mystery boys.Why not do it?What's the hotline?

Homunculus hotline.

It's people can talk about like, little guys created using like a call.It's a it's another conversation.But I'm saying you could have a like, I understand.and now is not the time.You don't want to go fumbling into some other wild thing.

Oh, I don't want a relationship again?

Are you fucking kidding me?No, but a hotline doesn't mean commitment.It's just where potential suitors could call and - And court me?Yeah, just give the initial resume.

Because here's the thing - No dick, I don't know if you're - No dick pit, I don't want that shit.Don't you dare fucking send me your dicks.

You're not gonna get that on a hotline.It's just gonna be a voice memo.So I get to hear their voice and play.

All right.All right.I like this idea.Josh, can we set up a hotline?Absolutely.But here's the thing, guys, like I'm I want suitors.

I don't want just like dicks like that is not my M .O.I am not a whore.I never have been.I'm sorry.No disrespect to women that are.

I just can't.I'm too sensitive.Right.Quite honestly, I can't.So I really want to know, like, who are you?What are you about?

And, you know, what kind of images are you looking for?All right, hold on hold on, okay, so here's some here's some choice DMS this this is one.It's really not you want to read them for me.

Yeah, I would love to go ahead, buddy.Okay.Oh, yeah Don't worry.You're still hot.

Thank you.Don't worry.

Your life is falling apart.

You're still hot It's just somehow just that one just really

there and that white is so creepy it's so creepy don't worry you are still hot and like no profile picture like who who are these people with no profile no profile what is that any 159 followers zero posts on instagram how does he have 159 followers don't worry you're still hot Annie, what is this?

We removed all the photos to keep it anonymous.

Oh, okay.So I'm retarded.

It's still zero posts.

That's weird.Zero posts, 159 followers.Don't worry.How do you have 159 followers and zero posts?

I don't know.Oh, yeah.Isn't that weird?Maybe he's cute.Maybe he's hot.Maybe he's Mossad.

Could be really hot.Maybe you should look into it.Could be Brad Pitt.

Could be DiCaprio.

Nah, I'm too old for DiCaprio.Yeah, but maybe he's like shifting gears to 50 year old broads with two kids.Never know.Cancer tits.Okay.Okay.

And also I like that he's like, I know your world is falling apart.Yeah.But I know you're just worried about being hot.Like, like being hot is my number one concern.

I hope people still think I'm hot.You're not thinking about your kids.You're not thinking about your business?My future?

Who am I?Identity?I just hope I'm still hot.Am I hot?

Oh, thank God.Oh, thank God.An anonymous person with zero posts on Instagram.

Okay, let's keep going.Oh, this one's my favorite.So this gentleman He just writes, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, every day, all day.And like, if I were to open my thing now, it's just a stream of hey's.

Okay, wait, I want to point something out here.First of all, you got to look at the timestamps.

Yeah, of course.

So Wednesday, 632.That's the first one.We got a 3Y hey.Three -why -hey.Friday, 4 .43 a .

m.

That's a wild schedule.Now you're getting a four -why -hey.That's the quietest schedule.Then, 3 .01 a .m.This is a night owl.

He should be going, hey!But the creepiest thing to me is he's adding, it's mathematical in that they're adding one each time they do one more why.Have you noticed that?What?

This isn't just random.Hold on.Hold on.Hold on.I'm out.Okay.

No, you're right.You're right.He's adding a why each time.And then hold on.Let's look him up right now and see what the fuck.Hold on.

Hold on.Who does that?Oh, his name is.Oh, here he is.Here he is.Here.

Here.Look, he's adding.He's cutting and pasting and adding a why.And the last one he sent me was eleven twenty four this morning.Wow.Wow.

Solid tactic.I mean, he did get my attention, right?

Yeah.It shows organization.Efficiency because he's cut.I'm assuming he's cutting and pasting.

I don't know.I was saying you're like, why did he do that?I'm like talking about him right now, aren't you?

It worked.He got me.Gotcha.Let's look at him.Let's see.Oh, no.

Hold on.I haven't even followed him back.I should probably follow him back.Yeah, that's the move.Okay, here we go.What?

That's not bad.Should I not have followed him back?

Now he's gonna think he's in.

He's in.Shit.Why isn't he in?A follow back means he's in?That's it these days?He doesn't have to come over and court me and buy me a fucking dinner?

That's it now with you kids?Oh he followed you.

He loves me now.I mean if I sent you 27 A's and you followed me.It was the 27th one.That's all before the release.

I'm sending mixed messages.Yeah, I don't know.

You shouldn't follow that.

I don't know.I follow it.I'm following.Fuck hurry before he sees it.It's too late.Shut up.

Did it on the show on the show right now.I requested.

Okay.I unrequested the follow.

He saw you fall him on the show.He's sitting in kitten heads and blood right now in some basement.

It's kind of a poet, though.He's cute, though.He's not bad looking.

He's very symmetrical.You saw his picture.Yeah, handsome dude.

What?What?

This reminds me of an E .E.Cummings poem.

Look at that.Yeah, he's cute.I'm serious.He's a little young.I don't know.

Well, age is just a number.He's my son's age.

Hey.Hey.Hey.Let's do different.What's the first hey?The first one is.

That's just kind of like a hey.Hey.Meow.

Meow.He's turning into like a death rattle.

Oh, is that where cuz I hear it going up I hear it being like now.Hey, hey, hey Hey You're fucking bitch.Hey, like I hear it getting angrier All right, there's the hair guy.All right, never know.This one always tickles me.You know, I love Puerto Ricans.

Go ahead and read it.

Hey, Mommy, just so you know, if you need someone, I'm here for you.Love Puerto Rican, by the way.I love Puerto Ricans.He's not wrong.Okay, that was, let's look at the timestamp.Tuesday, 2 .39pm.

That's a decent time to send a DM.Now we're off.11 .16 in the morning the next day. That'sThat's a decent time.Come on!Slumma with a young 29 -year -old while we get a little high.

Sorry.Come on!Slumma with a young 29 -year -old while we get a little high and I eat your puss.It's nice.It's a nice offer.Wait, is that a blushing emoji?

Oh, what is that?

What's that emoji?It's like a smirk.

Oh, a smirk.What does that mean in your language, in millennial code?

Like he's being slick.

But is he saying puss or puss?

He's gonna eat my puss.

Hey, let's get high and I'm gonna gobble on that puss.Let me squeeze some puss out of your feet.I want some...

I just want a lap of your sores.Like a fly.Let me lap at your sores, baby.

Oh, but he's Puerto Rican.He's like, I mommy, let me lap at your sores.Fuck, dude.I mean, this is wild.And like, like, okay, I'm sorry.I am very old about these things.

Like, does a lady go?Yeah, that sounds great.Thank you.How do I?How would I even begin?Does somebody answer him?

Yeah, of course.I'd love to get high and you can eat my puss.

Yeah.i think you need to be maybe a little like coy or something like that like just say like you know i don't have any open sores right now i don't get that at all i'd be like what

Fucking bitch.Okay, here we go.Here's another cool one.You're a cool guy.Go ahead, read that.

I would eat your ass whenever you want.Smiley face emoji.

Well, I mean, as you know, in this podcast, I love getting my ass.It's all I'm talking about is ass eating.I just love my butthole.Get in there, guys.I mean, listen, no offense if you're into it.I'm not into my asshole being fucked with, really.

Let's not.

But like you were saying earlier, you're kind of Starting a new life.Am I getting into anal?No!Don't even put that out there!It's a new life!No!

It's a d - Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will ha - You can eat my ass.No.

You're right.I'm good.I'm good.I'm good.

This is really good.

Go ahead, Duncan.You're a man.Explain this to me. 1 -34 AM.

You just gotta think about that.It's 134.

Okay, well maybe he's a surgeon and he just finished brain surgery.

Yeah, brain surgery.

Yeah, he's done with a shift at the hospital.How do you know what he is?

Yep, you're right.You're right.He probably just finished like healing a child and someone said that you could never get that tumor out and he did it.Then he went to take a break, looked at TMZ, was like, Yeah.Oh, my God.

Well, and that's why he writes, I can fix you.Because he's like, I'm a surgeon.

I can fix you.

Yeah, your tits look crooked.Let me fix it.Maybe he's a plastic surgeon.Could be a plastic surgeon.

He's super cool.Yeah.

Wow.

I can go and fix you.Follow him.Yeah.

I've learned my lesson now.I just think the people who were lucky enough to even be considered here should call the hotline next.

This could be a show.

The dating, Christina's dating.It could be actually.Find my name.boyfriend.

My next love island.

Get these guys.I'm so not even remotely ready to.

Right now, but in a month or two.

A month?Shit.All right.He's going to fix me, you guys.Okay, here we go.

Okay, here we go.This is.Well, he starts in 2025.This is 2025.

This courtship has been going on.

For a while.Hey, literally me at my sister's wedding last weekend.Literally, not figuratively.Nah, this is literally me.This is not a clone.This is not a lookalike.

This is me in the picture.Just so you know.

Literally.

And I wish we could look at that picture.

Yeah.Is there any way to enlarge, enlarge in it?Or should we not show him?I mean, I want to see.I'm curious now.Let's see it.

It was your story.So you, cause he's replying to your story.

Now that literally sort of makes more sense.Okay, great.So it's something, it's a post of you.I don't know.I can't see it.

It's probably one of those TikToks I post.Like it's not me.It's probably.

Right, so he's just basically saying he was being a maniac at his sister's wedding last weekend, broken heart.Let me know, this is 7 .24 a .m., so he's gotten up, maybe had a coffee.

You know, I didn't even think of the timestamps on these, Duncan.

The times are so important.

I totally overlooked the time thing.

Says everything.Hey, let me know when you want a young, sneaky Link to quote lady in the streets and freak in the sheets you.My treat, with pleasure.

Hot mamacita.

Mmm.Well, it's what's the word for it?

It's passionate.No, I appreciate that.And I have to say, I do like that the young gentlemancoming out.Who knew?You know, I do.

You know, when you're recently separated, you're like, will I attract young gents?Do I have to date 80 year olds?Like what?What is it?

Here's your answer.

No, this is your answer.It's his treat.Oh, and that's the thing.It's the insinuation being like it's it's his treat.Like he's going to do this for free.Like I don't have to pay.

What are you saying?My treat with my what the fuck?My treat.He's giving it to me for free.

Wow.Wow.the generosity.I mean those are qualities you do want in a stepfather.

Okay, so we just did we're back from our pee break and we're going through DMS Uh, from Cool Dudes.That I've gotten.Oh, this one's long.Okay, good.Okay, go ahead.

Duncan, you read this, please?I'm a little Southern.Can you guys drop the pitch of my voice a little bit?

Hey.Fuck your husband, Trish.You're the baddest mommy a mom is. I apologize for the situation.You'll have to excuse me at PetSmart right - Wait, sorry, cut that - You'll have to excuse me at PetSmart right now.I think I'm getting fired.Cuz I didn't realize that ferrets and fleshlights were different words.

So I'm gonna have to message you later cuz I think the cops are knocking at the door.

Crack myself up.

The old ferret fleshlight joke.He didn't say it.

That could be Cormac McCarthy.I don't know who that is.Greatest writer of all time.

I mean, there's so much about this one I love.He's at PetSmart right now.And he works there and he's going to get fired because he's fucking a ferret.Is that the joke?Well, yeah, I mean, you know, he's like, that's a good joke.

It's funny.Yeah, he is.And, you know, he's employed.That's nice.He's got a job at PetSmart.That's cool.

I love PetSmart.I've got two cats.I could probably use that employee discount.That's fine.Yeah.Oh, my God.

Dog food, cat food is so expensive.So you're going to get a discount on that.I love it.Yeah.Yeah.He's I think, you know, I like to get drunk.

He's drunk.Yeah.And he's hilarious.So it's like could easily be like the co -host on the show.No.Yeah.

Look how funny he is.Ferrets and Flashlights.Come on, dude.That's a comedy album name.Duncan.Ferrets and Flashlights.

You're right.From like the 80s.Yeah, that would be amazing.Who hasn't looked at a ferret?

That reminds me of a pussy.

I know, aren't ferrets like slender, like squirrels essentially?

I've never looked at one.There's nothing...Can we do a side -by -side of a flashlight and a ferret just to show how batshit this dude is?

Yeah, like ferrets are not a fuckable animal from what I understand.I know people fuck sheep and horses.Remember that guy that got killed by...Of course.None of us will forget it.No, I think about it once a week.

They're like, who wants to fuck a ferret?They're cute.

It would chew your dick off, number one.They have, like, dagger teeth.

Well, and it's so small.Oh, that's why.

Is he like saying he's got a small dick?Maybe.Maybe he's bragging that he's got a small one.So he's humble.Yeah, so there's a fleshlight.Nothing like a ferret, but I guess - No.

Can you get a picture of a ferret's butthole?Can we do a side by - Maybe that's what he's saying is like, what does a ferret's vagina look like?I don't know.

Oh yeah, look up a ferret vagina.Are they like exceptional?Ferret vagina.Let's do an image search.No.Well, I don't know.

I guess zoom in on it.

I mean, you're a guy.You tell me, guys in the booth.I guess.

What are we telling you?

Is that is that ferret?

Is that ferret fuckable is what I'm trying to get at.I guess it kind of does look like a little tiny fleshlight.He does work at PetSmart.Like he knows what a ferret's pussy looks like.He's right.It looks like a fleshlight.

Holy shit, he's right.

It was not a bad comparison.No!Turns out, joke's on us.We're the fools.

Yeah, we're the idiots.We were thinking about mouth fucking the ferret.He was talking about ferret vagina.Almost identical.

Dude, he's right.He's right.This guy's a genius.Yeah.Oh, I hope he didn't get fired because now I'm considering dating him.Call the hotline.

I want video submissions, not just...I gotta see what you look like, too.Okay, ready?I was waiting for these.

Okay, here we go.Okay, slide nine is me trying.If you don't read any message, please watch this video.I love you, mommy.You deserve the world.If you want to dabble in the ladies, we treat you...

Oh, this is a lady.

yeah and i thanked her i was like thank you that's the only one you responded to of course how am i gonna respond without an s you just said thank wait what did i write did i write like you wrote thank oh no i think you said her name oh i see you blurted out with a black heart

Yeah.

Okay.

That's cool.

I mean, that was nice.I thought that that was a nice legitimate offer for lesbianism.

Are you open to ladies?

I mean, I tried in the nineties, honestly, and I don't know.I don't like pussies because I know what comes out of them.Right.Do you know what I mean?Yep.So do you now.

You've seen babies birth.Yeah.I don't know.I don't know.Too many feelings.Too many discussions about feelings.

Right.

Okay, so let's put a pin in it.

Put a pin in it.Right now.Right now.It's not happening.I'm honored and I'm flattered, quite honestly.Okay, this one's cool, too.

Here we go.

This is a dichotomy.Just reaching out because I'm trying to do something special for my wife's birthday.She absolutely loves you and Tom.

We've been together five years.We have a three -year -old son.And I was just hoping we could come up with something to surprise her for her birthday.

I'm in a hard spot because we currently aren't together.But Co -parent, I'm trying to prove to her that I can do something right.I'll dick you down if you're interested.I know that's up front, but it's true.

It's true!But it's true!They will dick you down!I'll dick you down, all the way down.

Down to China.

I'll dick you down.

I'll dick you down if you're interested.I know that's up front, but it is true.He's letting me know.It's a true statement.Yeah, it's true.Like, I wouldn't think he'd falsely offer me a dicking down.

No.What would someone be like, J .K.

, J .K.

Well, that shows the compassionate side of him.He feels like you might be in a place mentally where you're like, he can't really mean it.

Like I'm so broken and vulnerable, like who would want to dick me down?

You mean it?

that's cool.Yeah, yeah, yeah, I respect it.I respect it.I like the upfront.I like truth.It's good.

I mean, I don't know, dude, like, I don't like being lied to.So I guess that's kind of nice.He's telling, here's what we know.

Telling the truth.Great dad, great dad, co parent, three year old son.And that so that's both of you would get an addition to your family.You know what I mean?So blended family, blended family is beautiful.

Oh, shit.Well, he's got listen, here's my I'm gonna say no, only because he has a three year old son.I already have two sons, adding a third boy to my family.Yeah.insanity.I mean, you've got four kids who better behave the boys or the girls?

Oh, that fantasies out the window.More wine, please.Yeah, it just rotates.But yeah, that.But then again, we don't know.We don't know what his son's like.

I just I think.Listen, listen, obviously.You have to listen to your heart on this one.But I would say have him call the hotline.I mean, at least dig a little deeper, you know?

Can we change the hotline to video submission?I want to see you.I need to see that you're sane.I need to see what's going on.

That would be cool, a quick montage of what's your life like, where you work, or whatever, be creative.

Yeah, be creative.I'd like to know, don't tell me the basics, because look, let's be honest.I'm a single mother, okay?I've already got money.I'm not interested in money.I never was interested in money, quite honestly.

I married a broke comic.I was never in it for the money.I'm looking for personality, love, being emotionally connected.Emotionally connected.What else?I mean, I'm not even really looking.

I shouldn't even be fucking...I'm just looking to get through this Domino's pizza that's on the floor right now.Yeah.Yeah.But I don't know.I don't know.

Let me think about it.OK.But thank you for the offer, sir.Let's see.

OK.Don't go for Bobby Lee.Go for young.Tang tang.Come on, please.I'm only 23 and ready to parent your kids.

That's true.Please.He's begging to be a dad.Oh, he's so stupid.He doesn't know what he's asking for.

And it's freaking Tank Tang.

Wait, that's not his name.That's a saying, right?What does that mean?What is this, kids?It sounds like a goblin's name, but I don't think it's a name.That's some kind of saying.

I've never heard of it.

It's like Tank Tang.Young Tank Tang.Can we Google Tank Tang?

That might be his name.

His name is Tank Tang.His nickname or something.

But isn't Tang short for Poontang?That's what I was thinking.Yeah, I don't imagine that's a dick thing.

He could be like a somebody who drives a tank.

Wait a minute, maybe it's a woman.

Maybe he's got, she's got tank, tank, tank, tank.A tank, a tang tank.

He's into fishes and aquariums.It requires a large saltwater setup.Yeah, he's an aquarium man.

Oh, he's into fish.Okay.And they're romantic.

People who are into aquariums, now, because like the snake dudes are fucked up.No.The aquarium dudes, these are artists.These are philosophers.

Yes.And committed.Yes.He's committed to keeping that tank clean.You know how they get moldy like so fast?It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare.You have to clean the rocks with the vacuum.You got to clean the sides of the tank.

The fish get that ick or whatever it's called and they get sick.

Yeah.No, this is high maintenance.He's all about taking care of me, which I'm really excited about.

Yeah.I love it.I don't know why he'scalling himself Tank Tang, though.I think he's calling it, I don't think, so when you look up, wait.

But it requires, let's read what it is.A Tang tank requires a large salt water setup with strong water flow.Wow.He needs a lot of water.Yep.Extensive live rock and plenty of open swimming space.

You were just talking about being in your pool.I love swimming.That's a synchronicity.

You have to follow the signs.

That's a synchronicity.You're right.You're right.You're right.Follow him back.I love water.

I love the ocean.I love fish.Me too.OK, well, that's a contender.Mark this one.OK, Josh, we're going to get back to him.

I'm going to follow him.OK, go ahead.

OK.Now that you're single, can I tongue punch your fart box?

Tongue punch your fart box.I mean, I like the play.I like the silliness of the words.

Yeah.

But like, what is this about eating my asshole?Like, is this a common?Is this what kids just do now?They go straight for the.

Yeah, totally.

It's straight for everyone.What about the vagina?

What happened to the vagina?It's that's like the the ass is the appetizer.

Is this true?

Yeah.Everyone's eating.

You're 50.Ask the kids.Duncan spot on.

It's a it's a sign that you're really committed.You're so committed.You're willing to eat an ass.

Yeah.Oh, he's into me.Yeah.Oh, guys.See, this is why I need you guys.Because I don't I don't read it that way.

Well, the tongue punch part is important.You have to because you know, there's obviously modes of eating ass.Sure.There's the, you know, just licking the ass.

Okay.

And then there is, is this person so romantically, poetically put it, there's the tongue punch.This is where you're inserting your tongue, obviously, into the ass.And in this case,he's like, it's like a woodpecker.

Yeah.Wait.Oh, so, oh, I see.Gosh, you know, I'm so glad you're here for this because you see these subtleties that I didn't even understand.

Yeah.

OK, so he's really aggressively going to eat my ass.Passionately.

It's a tongue punch.He's pushing through.You might be resisting.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.No, he's gonna punch his tongue punch it through and in that's so cool.

Yeah, and look at the time stamp Perfect perfect Perfect.Can we see it?Can you look at can we look at his profile real quick?I'm just so curious Or is it blurred for life?We can't 82 followers 82 followers five posts I mean, that's a lot of followers for five posts tongue punch or fart box I didn't even know that was a phrase.

Well, I would say that is him embracing your shadow side.

Yeah, I know.I like it.Listen, it's flattering.

I don't even know if he's talking about eating ass.That could just be a way of saying, like, I'm going to embrace everything that you are.

Tongue can?Yeah, yeah.

Everything.

That's so sweet.

It's sweet.I didn't even think of it that way.Yeah.He's like, even the dirtiest, filthiest part of you, I will embrace and love.Wow.More than embrace.

Tongue punch.Tongue punch.Wow, that's so cool, dude.All right, let's let's keep going because these are just getting better and better.This one's cool.

Hey, if you need some dick, just let me know.Just let me know.That's amazing.

It's casual.Yes.I like I like that because he's like, hey, I'm here.It's like putting out a hanky.Yeah.You know, like, hey, I'm just if you want to court me like I'm here.

Yeah.Just let you know.Yeah, I kind of like that.but I, you know, just, I don't know.

I mean, this is, this is what I do with my neighbors.When I move into a place, I just, not a hanky, I'm just like, hey, if you need some dick, let me know.Milk, whatever.Milk or dick.Just let me know.Just let me know.

Yeah, so casual.I do like the, the casualness of it.

Like, no pressure.I like that there's no, because I don't like the aggressive plays.

Let me, let me dick you down and tongue punch your butt.

Like, I like that he's like, just let me know.It's just there.If you want to pick it up, I put it down there.It's for you.It's for the ladies' choice.

Ladies' choice, 8, 19 p .m.So it's a decent time.to text that to someone.

It's a decent time.You're right.It's a dignified time.He's gainfully employed.For sure.Yeah, he's doing something right.

Okay, let's keep going.

Okay, this is a picture of me.

But then there's no picture.

Now that, that's who you want.This one gets my vote because this is so deep.When you think of yourself, you know, when you really look deep into like, who am I?Nothingness.I am no self.The more you zoom in, the more granular it gets until there's just a great emptiness.

This is an awakened being showing you, look, this is a picture of me.

The universe, everything, nothing and everything together.Dude, I'm so glad you're doing this with me.You're seeing stuff that I didn't even think about, bro.And not only that, it's 6 .13 a .m.He's up doing yoga, probably drinking his matcha, ready to embrace the day.

My guess is he's meditating and did this with his mind into his phone.This is an advanced being.

Bookmark this one.

Okay, josh put this one is look at the number of followers How many synchronicity?Oh my god, three three three angel numbers Oh my god, this could be an angel.Oh my god 3 -3 -3, look at that, three threes, that makes, it's nine, three threes, that's nine, that's the Trinity.That's...Oh, wow, number nine?What?

Yeah.It's the Beatles, number nine.Oh my God, number nine, number nine.

Yeah, is that what that is?

Is that what that means?Yeah, these are very sacred numbers, these are angel numbers.

He knows that, and he knows that, and that's why he waited until he got to 333 followers, and he waited till 613.

Which 13, by the way, is a sacred number in Tibetan Buddhism.

He knew that.This guy's awesome.Josh, call him up.I mean, find him.Call him.Get him to submit.

You got it.

Can I have another?

What do you call those things again?Darts.

Darts.

Can I have a dart?Thank you.

We're on a crazy train, dude.

Give me a marble.

You know what's so great when I was in the UK?You know, they put all these creepy pictures of like death and stuff on these cigarettes.

Yeah.

It's so much better than the fucking logo.Like little do they know.I'm like, yo, I want the eyeball.I want the fucking clogged arteries.

Yeah.They really don't understand.What if what did it was it what didn't Freud say?What did he call it?The death, the death wish, the death wish.They don't understand that that's actually just amplifying people's addiction.

It's called marketing.It's so brilliant.All right, let's go on.This is the last one, you guys, until I send you more.Here we go.Wow, this one's a fucking dissertation.

Can you scroll - do you mind scrolling down a little bit?I can't see the top part.I could just start where - is that okay?That's how I get it.You had to blur the top.Okay.

I have no money and no clothes.I'm a good dude.Okay.

And I know I can out fuck Tom with both my hands and leg tied behind my back.I don't know.

Tom's a pretty great leg.

I'll shag the absolute snot out of you and make you feel sexy like you deserve.Hey, nothing is sexier than getting fucked to the point that snot is flying out your nose.

Is that a thing?Oh yeah.I didn't know that was even a thing.

Wow.

Oh no, he's British.I'll shag the absolute snot out of you and make you feel sexy like you deserve.You have to read it with a deep English accent.

I'll try.I'm not very good at that.I'll shag the absolute snot out of you and make you feel sexy like you deserve.

I'll beat that vaginal fluid into firm egg whites.

I'll give you more pleasure in one hour than Tom has in your whole marriage.the after what the the well hold on period lowercase the comma the after giving you that wait what what i don't know dude to giving you to that sexual healing you deserve we know we know i'll hit it off because i'll i'll actually i'm actually good i'll actually good dude If we happen to hit it off on multiple levels, I'll be willing to make you happy, as we live our best loves.I don't know what accent this is. I'll just go back to me.It's like saying, this is horrible.I love it, I love it.As we live our best loves.

Spending that divorce settlement.

You turned Australian, you kind of did.I know.That's great.

That's what happens when it warps.Holler.

Holler.So this, okay, wow.Holler, does people still say holler?

He does.Well, there's a lot here.There's a lot of offers.Yeah.Yeah.I mean, this is, you know, this is what we call

champagne problems.Right.

A hundred percent.

Listen, this is incredible.I mean, like in a lifetime.

I know.

Does anyone get this many beautiful men tapping at their door?And I know right now, obviously, I'm too heartbroken.I'm not ready.You're not ready.But at least, you know, people are bringing you flowers.People are writing you poems.

You know, it would be easy once you're in the bubble of marriage to think that they're no more gentlemen.That's true.And this shows that romance is not dead.

I know.It does reignite my belief in humanity.And I've never heard that somebody beating your vaginal fluid into firm egg whites.Is that possible?Is that a thing?I don't know.

I mean, I just want to point out, you know, he did say, I mean, you haven't experienced it with Tom.But, you know, for me, it's like I don't see snot flying out of my lady's head.And if there aren't just pulpy egg whites, gloopy blobs falling out.

Yeah, it sounds like he's with women that have infections.I don't think that's...He's fucking people with Ebola.I don't think your vaginal fluid should turn into egg whites.No!That's not good.

No!Yeah, no, it's not healthy.It's like people with colds and yeast infections.Yeah, see, soft peak.Okay, maybe.I don't know, not even that.

Like, what?And by the way, I fucked Tom for 20 years.You're going to make it up to me in one hour?20 years of fucking?And Tom and I had a great sex life.What are you talking about?

Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, it's I would say it's improbable.

Is it possible?Yes.Is it probable?

You should get points, though.for, you know, confidence.This is a man who's very confident.And that's such an important trait in a dad.You don't want some insecure stepfather.Wow.

I almost lit my hair on fire.

Synchronicity.Synchronicity.

Follow the signs.You nailed it.You nailed it.I love these synchronicities.Yeah.Egg whites.

Disgusting.Have you guys ever fucked a girl and tell her fluid turned into egg whites?Is that even a...I don't think you want that.

No, I wouldn't like that.I don't think.It's possible, but you get tired out pretty quickly.

What's this thing about fluid and vaginas?Usually when I make love to women, they're very dry.

That's so funny.What is this?

I gotta tell you, I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.Thank you so much.This has been a dark fucking month.We're here for you.Why am I crying about laughing?That was really funny.

What do you mean?

Why have you laughed so hard?Shit.Why?Fuck, I love you.

I'm just so glad we're friends.Me too.Now look, we've gone through my potential dating.You know what I love more than anything are my talks.And do you think I'm gonna fucking give up?cultivating TikToks.

I hope not.

Never, never going to give up.It's a relief.

All right, here we go.Let's get this fucking bitch started.

I'm so glad you're doing this.I was afraid it'd be left out of this episode.I wouldn't blame you if it was.

We got five fans going in this bedroom here.We have a 1986 Galaxy 3713, a 1989 Galaxy 3723, a 1980 Katong 16 -inch oscillating table fan, model LB -166.A 2003 Lasca Cyclone 18 -inch oscillating pedestal fan.And a 1996 -97 Lasca 3723.All running on full blast at once!I've got a 747 Cyclone in here!

This is how we'll be sleeping tonight!Have a good night!

Thank you!Hottest man on earth!

And look, I will say, this guy's AC system is better than mine.He's got like 10 fans running from the 70s and shit.I mean, is that what he said?Like they're from like...Wow, and he knows the names.

That was not written down.Like he's looking at them, he knows exactly what they are.Off the cuff.

Off the cuff.I like the personally, my favorite fan is the blue one, the old school one.Oh yeah, I love those.Those are like classic.They work the best.You can put things in them and play with them.

I don't like box fans.

I don't either.They take up too much room.They fall over all the time.Yeah.

Yeah.

And they don't oscillate.Like the secret is the movement.

Right.Right.

Right.Like that blue fan, dude.

Yeah.But when you got that many fans on you, you're going to sleep great.

Hold on.Let's pick our favorite one.Let's really pay attention now to what he's saying.And then you tell me which is your favorite fan and why.

OK.Oh, fucking dumb shit.

We got five fans going in this bedroom here.Five.You got five.We have a 1986 Galaxy 3713, a 1989 Galaxy 3723, A 1980 Tat Tong 16 -inch Oscillating Pedestal Fan, Model LB -S116.A 2003 Lasko Cyclone 18 -inch Oscillating Pedestal Fan.And the 1997, 1996 -97 Lasko 3723.

All running on full blast, that one Saika 747 Cyclone.

It's the Tektong, obviously.

I'm sorry, which one is that?

The blue one, the Tecton LBJ 498.The blue.You're going for the blue.

Yeah, it's a Tecton.Yeah.OK. I'm going for the Cyclone, the one that is on the stand, because I feel like you've got the best of both worlds.

Like you've got a stand and the oscillation.

Can we cut to that real quick?Is that possible to go back to that?I'm going to go for the tech tongue.That one, because imagine that one, like you can place that anywhere in the room and it's going to have direct.And I believe it oscillates.I'm not sure.

I'd like to think it does.

I know.I guess you're going form over function.Oh no, function over form.Always function over form.I think the techtongue, it just it's got that blue sheen.

It's aesthetically pleasing.

Yeah, I really like the techtongue and I get it because but I could just put the techtongue up on books or something.I get it though.That one's more convenient.

But then aren't you worried like what if it falls down in the night?Yep.The books and you know?

Yep.Yeah, the books could shift or something.

I don't know.And what if your cat comes in the middle of the night and knocks it over or something, you know?Yeah.You got to think about those things.Your cats.If you have cats.

He's got cats.Of course he's got cats.

All the best people have cats.Right, Josh Solo?Yep.Cat guys are the best.I'm going to go for a cat guy next.I'm serious.

I'm into cats now, and I'm - Mark Maron.Don't you tempt me with a good time.

Maron's got a girlfriend.He's got girlfriends.I'm too old.He's not into me. I don't know about that.All right, let's go.

So me and Peggy are adding a third person into our relationship.We are now taking applications for that third person in our relationship.It will cost you $100 ,000 just for that application.It will cost you $100 ,000.,000 just to get in a relationship with us.That is right.

So that is $250 ,000 you have to have up front to get in a relationship with us.That's right.The most beautiful woman and her wife are adding a third person to our relationship.And again, I'm going to repeat this.It is a hundred thousand dollar application fee.It is a hundred and fifty additional dollars to get into the relationship with us once we approve the application.

Holy shit.Y 'all have a good day and stay blessed.Wow.

That is incredible.

Well, like, where's Peggy?Why am I not even seeing what she looks like before I invest $150 ,000 to apply?

Is she the one beeping, do you think?Is it their car is beeping?

Or is it like, there's like an ambulance behind them?I think it's an affect whoever, whoever added it.But I mean, that's a lot of, I don't know.I've never lived the poly lifestyle, but is that customary to take money for applicants?

Well, you know, I don't know where things are with that.That is something I meant to ask you, though.Yeah.You know, are you open to a polycule?

I mean, here's the thing.I feel like why not just fuck a bunch of different people?Right.now you're dealing with three people's emotional dramas and like, isn't it just easier to be single and have sex with many people and not have to be monogamous?Like, I don't know, I don't understand the, what's the benefit of a polycure?Childcare.

Fuck, nevermind.Sign me up.All women.I want, I want 10 women.

There you go.

There you go.So you,I think I would send an application in and not the fee and just out of curiosity to see the response because it could be a joke or something, but a quarter of a million dollars is a lot.to risk.

He's not joking.

No, he's not.

And he's got his nails painted.Did you see his nail polish?

Yeah, I did.I noticed it.Can we can you rewind a little bit?I just want to look at the teeth.Well, that's always what I am curious about that, though, like that formation, which you see sometimes.How does that happen?

And no, I really, no judgment.Look at my snarled things.I'm just curious.There's judgment.I judge.But how does it do that?

Like you see that sometimes where it tilts up.Okay.I have a theory, just a theory.Grinding, like if you're on a lot of meth and maybe you're grinding, I don't know any, you're kind of familiar with these types.

It just looks like she's been doing a lot of tongue.

That's a she.

Oh, it's a he.Whoops.

The slant.

Anyway, yeah, I think he's been doing a lot of tongue punching.That's all that is.Ah, eating ass.Just pushing the teeth forward with the tongue, you know?

Gotcha.Well, shit, man. I mean, the audacity to put an application fee is, you're not going to, I don't know, you're not going to find quality people if you're putting a price point on your love.I think he just got stung by bees.He's got filler in all the wrong places.OK, let's see what else.

Oh, fuck.Good evening.Jim Kleinfelder here.A little posty.

Hi.

Hope you're all doing good.Thank you.It's hot out.

It's hot out.That's it?That's how it fucking ends?Oh, that's the most sinister shit I've ever seen in my life.Wow.

But there are so many people on these on like that, like TikTok and Instagram where they, they just want to make sure you're doing okay.And then they want to comment about how hot summer is as if he hasn't lived through fucking 80 summers and they're all hot.Like why point out the obvious?He's lived through 80 ,000 summers.

He's shooting that from his coffin.That's a Nosferatu right there.

Oh, a vampire.I would love to date.I want immortality.This is perfect.Boom.Right there.

Well, and also they fill out when they drink your blood.Like he probably hasn't fed in a few years.

But do you think he'll make me a vampire?Because that's always been the hope.

Oh, yeah.Isn't it just if they feed off of you, you it depends if you're doing the Anne Rice version.Thank you.

For knowing.

They have to let you suck back.

Correct.The intent has to be to make you one of them.

I think the classic, the bite of a vampire will turn you into a vampire.

That's not true, Duncan.Really?

Where did you hear that?

I always thought that was like Dracula.Well, I'm reading Dracula right now.It's so good.No, I know.It's amazing.But I haven't gotten to the part, well, I don't know.

Can you look it up, please?

Did Dracula, like the old school, the book version, if he just bites you do you become a vampire and you perish you become a vampire like you you gradually die and don't you become like a vampire but i thought you just became like bewitched by dracula initially bewitched but eventually a vampire i could be right i know yeah i'm pretty sure god we need to get to the bottom of this wait hold on okay hold on here you read it okay in dracula a single bite does not automatically turn you turn someone into a vampireA bite causes blood loss and weakness.The victim gradually comes under Dracula's influence.They become pale, exhausted.The crucial step is drinking.I just embarrassed myself.

I'm so sorry.I lost all goth credibility.I'm gone.I'm done.I'm sorry.Come on.

I, for some reason, I thought the infection just turns you into a - No, babes.

No, that's just, you're just prey.

So I don't want to just be prey.I want to be made into a vampire.Right.Like - Right.Oh, so Lucy becomes a vampire.Dracula feeds on her repeatedly over several nights.

She grows weaker despite multiple blood transfusions.She eventually dies.She rises from the grave as a vampire.Yeah.Well, how is - I mean, so then...Dracula...

Doesn't that negate the whole thing?I don't know.

He must have given her some blood.By contrast, Mina is bitten and forced to drink Dracula's blood, but Dracula is destroyed before she dies.As a result, the curse is lifted and she remains human.Interesting.

I mean...

So here we go.The synopsis.One bite, injury and blood loss, repeated feedings, progressive corruption, drinking Dracula's blood plus dying afterward, complete transformation into a vampire.I need to do that.How far along are you in Dracula?

I'm like at the beginning.

It's my favorite part.What are you talking about?What are you talking about?Oh my God, the trip up into the Carpathian Mountains.That's where I'm at, bro.I love it.

Same.And the warnings.Everyone's telling him, what are you fucking doing?And his elitism.He's not, oh, these superstitious fools.And then the way Dracula like invites like says like three times you're doing this of your own free will.

So creepy.He's such a dummy.That's how everybody gets into trouble that we all do that.All the signs are there.Don't do it.

and you realize like it's all my choice yeah I've decided to go into a fucking vampire castle yes that's so funny you say that because I was reading it's a hundred percent what I what I was reading that I was like oh this is me this could be me this is any human who's like they're telling you hey I'm a vampire.I'm a vampire.I will suck your blood.I will fuck your life up.Blah, blah, blah, blah.And you're like, that's cool.

Well, maybe I should stick around.

Why do we all stick around?Just go.Isn't it wild?Get out of there.He's going to suck your blood.I know.

Yeah, that's why you can't really usually you can't blame yourself.You know, it's just like you win it.You did that.You knew.You knew.

So this guy is Dracula.Cool.OK.

Damn, he's fast.

Yeah.No, he's good.There's a lot of guys with nunchucks.There's a lot of guys with guns that I like to play.He's good.Can I have a cigarette, please?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.Oh, my God.Can you play it again?Isn't that actually kind of impressive?Like, that's a quick draw.

No, he's good.Okay, here we go.

Fucking, oh, fuck, shit, piece of shit, bitch.Nah, that's good.

Wow.Now, is he in a Winnebago?Like, that's his...That's a Winnebago.

Yeah, some kind of RV.

No shade.I mean, I'm a huge fan.I love Winnebago's.

Me too.I actually do love RVs.

Are you going to get one?

You know, I can't, I mean, like eventually, but yeah, I can't get a Winnebago.

Can I tell you, so when I did road rolls in the nineties, the only problem is that you can't take a shit or piss in them because the sun just cooks the stuff.And then, so you like, what's the point if I can't shit in my mobile home?Well, you could piss in a Winnebago.It still stinks to high heaven.I mean, once the sun cooks it, you got to stop and then you have to stop at an RV park and like unload the piss and the shit.

Oh, my God.When I came back from Burning Man in an RV, all these burners have been pissing and shitting in my RV.And I went to an RV park and I had to empty it, you know, and there's a place where you can empty it.But like, I don't know how to really, something went wrong.And I'm like trying to get this burning man, just drug soaked shit diarrhea, just condoms and God knows what.I'm trying to get that like into the place.

I don't even know, I don't even know the words for it.I'm trying to screw it in, but it's just like, I'm not thinking about like the hot piss and shit that's splattering onto my hand.And this, this dude, at the RV park, like an angel came over witnessing that I was at this choice.I had to choose between holding it against this thing that I couldn't get it screwed onto and allow a slow drizzle of Burning Man shit and piss to spray on my hands and clothes or let it go and then create an environmental apocalypse for the RV park.And he like, he fixed it for me and got Burner's shit and piss on his hands.

He did?

Angel.

Did you have to like blow him or give him drugs?Yeah.While he was doing it.And he didn't even ask.I was just so grateful to not be covered in burning man.

Now, I've only ever been a spectator at Burning Man. I did a TV show where I got to go in and interview people, but I've never done it per se.Doesn't the filth bother you?Not at all.The playa sand and the shitting and pissing.I don't like that.

The port -a -potties are foul.Disastrous.But what's amazing about Burning Man versus other festivals is how clean it is.Like, they keep it clean.it clean.Like, it's, oh yeah.

No, where do you shower?

Because I remember they were like, there was like a truck with a hose.Shower?Yeah.

What are you, a millionaire?

But then how do you fuck?Okay, here's my, and then this is literally what I think about.How do you fuck people in, well, there's playa sand in your vag, in your ass.You can't shower after you fuck.Like, it's gross, no?

Wet wipes, wet wipes.And some camps do have showers like either there are like there are there's ways to do it where if you desperately need a shower Because you've been so weakened by society that, oh, I've got to wash myself.That's who you've become.Deskilled, dehumanized.So, yeah, you desperately need some showers.You take it.

It is.It can be done.Our camp had a little gravity shower in it where you could you could clean yourself off.

Hold on.Are you considered an inferior Burning Man participant because you're showering?Like, is it looked down upon in the community?

I don't think it's looked down upon because it depends.Like the controversy at Burning Man is the plug and play.play camps, as they're called, which are these essentially like super wealthy people set up these camps and, you know, rich people fly in and they go into these super nice catered camps.But Burning Man's kind of open.That was the idea.You wander from one camp to the next.

camps have bars in them, camps have, everything's free at these camps.

Oh, that's cool.I didn't realize that.

And then these like, you know, super rich camps pop up that have like security and suddenly you can't go into them.

So they weed out who can go in and who cannot.

Yeah.And those camps get attacked.Like that happened one year where this like super fancy plug and play camp got decimated by burners in the night who like fucked them up pretty bad.But yeah, so there are like, you know,fancy camps like that, but also, you don't...You realize, like, it's not like Coachella.

It's more of a survival...

Right.Like, doesn't that negate the purpose of going to Burning Man?Yeah, like, why would you be hoity -toity at the Burning Man?Like, isn't the point, you make your float, you make your...It's about, like, being a hippie.

I mean, the saying is, fuck your burn.Which is just like, you're like, my burn's all, man, I can't believe this is happening.It's just like, fuck off, like with this, your idea of what it was supposed to be.Like, just stop.It's, that's what's making you miserable.That being said, the last few years seem to have been a nightmare, but don't get me going on Burning Man.

It sounds like it's very - You just lost, whoever's watching this, I guarantee like thousands of people stopped watching.It's very upsetting.It's the best, you would like it.

I've, like I said, I've been a spectator.My one problem is the toileting and the shower.I would go if it not were.If not for.If not for.The hygiene.

I'm a woman.I need to wash my vagina, my asshole.I need to shower every day.I like smelling nice.If there was like a Four Seasons.You get an RV.

Is there a Courtyard Marriott even?

There's an RV.

You rent an RV.They have showers in them.I've done that on road rules, it was horrible.It's horrible, but I'll tell you, all these thoughts, all these things that you think you need at the burn, it's going to go one way or the other.You realize, actually, do you need this?And then you can leave.

Or you realize, that stuff doesn't really matter as much as I thought.That's true.That's cool.

Listen, I like the principle.I just don't like the accommodations, rather.I would be that asshole flying in my pack and play.

I think that there's ways to mitigate that.though.I mean this is I think there's it's okay to do that.Are we going to Burning Man this year?Yes!I would love it.

When is it?It's middle of summer, right?We'll let Aaron take care of the kids, fly into the burn.

That would be great.Aaron would love that.He'd watch all four of the kids while Duncan and I go to burn.And it's like the hottest time that they choose.Why do they have to do this when it's like 120 degrees on the playa?

You know, actually it gets really cold at night.It just depends.But, you know, look, it's I'm not going to talk about it anymore after this.Why?Well, people don't want to hear someone ramble about it.It's like hearing someone talk about ayahuasca.

Oh, they love it.

No, it's one of the most incredible things I've ever experienced.And one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.And one of the most mystical things I've ever, truly, it's the craziest.You feel like you're in a parallel timeline.You look around at what's happening and you realize like, wow, This also is a way people can hang out together.We don't have to blow each other up and we don't have to exploit each other.

Look at what's happening here.It's beautiful and so absurd and silly and so completely philosophically diverse.There's so many different camps there.There's like, the AA camp, sober camps.There's gutter drunk camps.There's a nihilist camp, believe it or not, a camp of nihilists that they put at the very edge of the playa, who are just like grumpy and like, skateboard and graffiti their own camps.

And there's like, Elon Musk comes in like, go, like everyone has art cars is what they call them, these insane cars.And so, like, Musk goes, like his is like a a yacht that's been converted into a car.Anyone can get on and off of it.It's super cool.Maybe August 30th.It's a month from now.

Oh, yeah.

We don't have time to build.

It would be.Yeah, there's no time.But that being said, one guy.wanted to see what would happen if he went there completely naked.So with no one.So he walked into Burning Man, like with no clothes, just to see what happened.

Also, they have an ultra marathon there, which is hilarious, where people like athletes.I would hate that.Well, yeah, because people are handing them drugs as they're running by.

But I love the idea of showing up naked and just seeing who will care for you.I think that's really special.That's actually right.Isn't that the purpose?Or sorry, was that guy like horny and weird?Yeah, look, I listen.

I like the hippie principles.I'm not against it, but I don't know.OK, here we go.

Fuck it.We're at the arena tonight.There she is right there.I think Randolph's cooking.Taina, Uncle Bobby, Marie.And I'm behind the camera.

We get it.Garlic bread.Y 'all come on.Come on now.

I mean, he's like, I'm behind the camera.Like, yeah, no shit, dummy.And I don't.The only thing this dinner slaps like I would eat this immediately.Me too.I don't like his accent.

What is that?

Oh, I hate it.

Dude, that is a real Southern family meal you got.That is definitely not Diet Coke.That is Coca -Cola, ample salt, Everywhere.Yeah, fuck it.You put the whole pot on the table and yeah, yeah the Texas toast.

I'm a huge fan I love that shit, dude.Oh my god.

Just look at that.

I just hate his dumb accent Honestly, I just I don't want him talking but I like your farm big pharma pharmaceutical execs watch this

and they're just like, thank you.

They're all fat and dying because they're eating this shit.

So much buttered bread!Buttered bread!So good.What's going on, Kat?Got the spray tan, mate, for the big night tonight.So look out, mate.

Once I rinse it off, it'll look a bit more even, look better.But at the moment, it's not bad, yeah.

It sucks.Have you ever had a spray tan?Yeah!It's horrible.I hate it so much.I jerked off in a spray tan before.

Really?

Isn't that fucked up?Wait, before they came to tan you?

During the tan - No, this was when we were going to auto -tans.No one was there and I don't know why I got horny and jerked off in there.

Is that horrible?No.I was looking back and thinking like, Jesus Christ, that's like kind of a, is that a sex crime?Yeah, definitely.

You're not supposed to jerk off in public.Well, no one could see it was closed.Well, that's why it's safe.It's a safe space for you.I feel like they encouraged you to masturbate.Okay.

No one did.Well, let's put this in perspective.They're like, get naked.

Yeah, you have to.

You're private.Yeah.Two.Okay.And then we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll cascade your body with these beautiful soft caresses.Like who wouldn't jerk off?

I feel like that should be part of the sun tanning process.

If we lived in a healthy society, everyone would jerk off in spaces like that, right?Of course.Dressing rooms, bathrooms at the airport.It wouldn't be guys shitting.It'd be guys jerking off because the erotic nature of being in a private public space.You're right.

No, you're right.Thank you.You're welcome.Thank you for accepting.

Well, I also feel like to like when you go to like a spa.I kind of feel the inclination to masturbate, too, when you're like, I'm in this jacuzzi, nobody's here.I could totally get away with this right now.I mean, I don't.

You know what you just made me remember?What?Childhood memory, in a swimming pool by my dad's apartment, just swimming around.This dude had situated himself right on top of one of the jets.and was loudly groaning as he came from the jet on his dick.Like kids are swimming it.

You just see him like, oh, that's healthy.How old are you?Like what you're saying is that's good.

Especially a public pool.Wait, there's a public pool?

Yeah.It was like in one of those apartment pools.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.That's so cool.

Yeah, it's cool.He was a cool guy.And I, you know, he jizzed into the water, of course.And into the jet, meaning that his jizz was ejected into the pool.His jizz was rocket launched into the pool.A kind of mini galaxy of jizz spreading out in the pool.

That's so cool.We have to be more open with ourselves.

Yeah.The earlier the better.You guys want to see that.Yeah, that's really cool.How old are you when you saw that?

I don't know.Probably like 14, 13.

Oh, so you know.

I was old enough to enjoy watching him cum.

Oh, fuck.I mean, the audacity to cum.And here's the thing.

It did grunt.

He couldn't even do a silent cum.

he couldn't do a sneak come he had to like I mean, that's just that's just performative.

Yep.He's trying to seek attention I also I also know like okay, so if he's in like cuz I've grown up in an apartment complex like that He lives there dude.Like that's Roger.Yeah He's in 2f.Yeah, you're right.Why would you come in the pool?