RANGERS DRAW CELTIC, POCOGNOLI NEW SCOTLAND MANAGER & TAM COWAN! | Keeping The Ball On The Ground

How are you Tam, you good?I'm alright, but if one of ye's mention the word Stenhousemuir, I'm right back out that door, alright?That was a sore one, that was a sore one.

I know somebody that's desperate to mention it.

Well these two, they've put in another couple of weeks, and they've just been beat with Stenhousemuir.So what are you going to say to that?So see, again, it pindles a pat on the back, isn't that wonderful?

And then the minute ye get beat, boo!Get fucking here boys!So maybe we'll get the good out of that, because the boot up the earth, as it was yesterday, for everybody, and a wee reality check as well because I don't think with them I don't really know about Scottish football and they don't really, they've not got the fear factor going to Celtic or Rangers which is a tremendous thing, right?But what they maybe don't realise as well is that the League Cup is massive for Motherwell because we've not won anything for 35 years.We've not gone and won a European trophy, right?I know that Thursday's a huge game and Firth Park will be jumping, the Stenhousemuir game will be forgotten about, but What a chance, and then you just knew when it's normally a facility arrangers come a cropper to somebody, the story is all about them getting beat.

Yeah.

Eh, hame to hearts, but my little fans are now pig sick.Saying, wait a minute, that kind of, we were close.We could have been close to a wee snuff of silverware, but it's us.

They're right, well done Stenny, but I don't think he's got any opportunities all the time, but when you put five of them in at once, you've no got the experience running about them.I didn't need to be good enough.

But you know what, it's by chance.His boys are training with him every day, right, and he deems that they've done well enough in training.What other game do you put them in?

I know, it's fine margins.See, even if we'd put their boys in yesterday, their boys are not going to feature on Thursday.But wasn't it great getting them a run out?But the oldest cliche in football, it's all about results.Simple as that.

Well, come to mother well, but we do things that annoy us in lifetime.What's annoying you just now?I think you've got quite a lot now.

Ark everything annoys me.But when you see stadiums with thousands of empty seats, but season tickets are only available at Motherwell.Anything that happened at Firth Park, you get in, including the reserve games which you've taken that away as well.But all you get now is a season ticket holder and I'm sure it's the same at every stadium now.You get your chance to reserve your seat.If you want the same seat for a cup game seat, you've got to buy a ticket for it, you know what I mean?

That's about it.

There's a lot of stadiums empty, mate, at the weekend.Noticed it with Tannadise done in a DVCL team.Tannadise?I was shocked at it.Couldn't believe it.

And you know what?There's always areas.Mullow, I think maybe quite rightly you could say, for the aesthetics, the way it looks on the telly, we give it in the net quite a bit for putting away fans.And the young teams to be a matter of 15 yards from each other, I don't know.But, What I would do is, even if they're doing that, the whole of the bottom tier of the South stand, unless of course we're playing Celtic Rangers, Hearts Hubs maybe, open that free for the kids.And I know there's all the red tape and they say that they need to be accompanied by adults and all that, because back in my day, when you'd just go up with your wee pals to Third Park and get a loft hour, nae bother, and it was open terraces, that encouraged me to get a season ticket.

And now I've got 50 years supporting them under AI.

Well, I've got a big in.I've got a big itic.Andy, talk to him about this.

Oh, sorry, that's too an -it.An -it.Aye, right, aye, I didn't know that.

So, Andy, talk to him about this, right, about it.And I popped.Was she nice?Mate, he's taking that for ages, and see as he does it, she built it in.

I thought she was getting the size of your dick, that's why I went away.

Mate, are you going to put your horns up to you?

Aye.And the guy was way his missus.And when the guy was telling me, oh, I'm not even joking here, my dog's called Hardy, the wife straight away has done this.Oh, no wonder.

The dog went back.It was a couple of years ago when you'd get your wee thing done and all that, and I'm saying, it's nice to see you in here, son.The boy was sitting there last year.He's this kind of balding X -Fighters player.I think we've got fucking rid of him.See, he was always a good audience.

It's been folk knowing I had a wee laugh with you when you came into my show last week.I think you only ever have fun when you take the piss out of folk that you like.Of course.You know, when you're sitting with your pals and all that, you can't beat that if everybody takes the piss out of each other.So you don't ask, why don't you do him?Folk that you don't, well, they need to come to your show.

Poor that, he's not...

You and me are going to go, aren't we?No, this week, the following week.

Are you?Come along.I'll stick you in the door, get a wee drink.Did you have a drink after that?I was going to say, did you see how Neil McCann's?Oh, fucking hell.

Well, I'll tell you if...I know Neil McCann.Get them two wee boys together.They're like the wee bugs that goes for your ankles and all that.Honestly.

I think.Oh.Has he got a bit?Treat him, treat him carefully, wee Jonners.Do you want to hear the listeners?Peeves, are you not bothered?

Aye, on you go.Grant Fleming, I want to get your take on it.Alright Si, ick for the podcast, I need your boy's thoughts.My missus has her shoelaces tied and the hoops are that big they are dragging.Bunny ears is that what you call it?That's an ick.

You're a what?That's a grown man.A grown man saying a double bunny ear?

Fucking double bunny ear, that's what it's called when you...We need to untie our trainers and every lassie at her age, she's got about 100 pairs of trainers and she keeps squeezing her feet into them and the back of them, they're always going to get wore down.Oh, I need new trainers.Well, untie them and...

You're a man still on the Velcro, ain't you, son?No, I'm not on the fucking Velcro.

You heard that with the lace knickers?You heard that?

Oh, but knickers, what was the one the woman said to us the other day?Put it into a soak and you forget what you were using it for.That's fucking vinegar.

Got an XI.My butt held up the T4.That's your bird with a flare?Fucking hire!Get a hire!

Has she got the football with you?No.No.She was in Seville for the Celtic game.She went there with some of her pals, but she was nice.She's not really a football fan, but they'd get tickets.

She used to be the magazine's editor with the Sunday Mail, and it was a big, obviously, media event, the whole Celtic thing.She went to that bit.And I took my daughter to one game and one game only, and what she liked, you can understand this, it was a spectacle that she liked.It was a Motherwell Hearts game.She'd have been about... 9 maybe, 9 or 10 and she loved the whole thing, got her a hot dog and all that and then loved us.But she didn't care what was happening on the pitch and she didn't care about anything else, the result, anything like that.

She still talks about the spectacle but she wouldn't have wanted to go back.Have you taken her one of your eyebrows out?

No.

When was that?

I told you she was only 15 months.That's too young, man.But I bet all day when she ran up to me and I didn't pick her up, remember?

I've never seen anyone so weird with kids.

You're so weird with kids, it's unruly.How many kids you got?Just one.Just one?But my daughter's...You don't know about it?

That voice he does to your kid, I kind of listen to it.

See, no matter if she sat there for two hours, he would still just say, hiya.Two hours later, do you know what I mean?But, you know, he'd say other things, but he'd say, hiya, two hours later.She's been there for ages, mate.

Look at that, Ryan Leary.

You and me boys have come on as kids, don't let them grow up too fast.I know, I'm trying to keep it like that, but...Are we characters now, mate, aren't we?We're characters, mate, they're funny, eh?Mate, isn't it?This is for Ryan Leary.

On holiday the now, when you're...full -grown adult go and do the water gym class, they're ashing the water about in that.Come on.

There's no fitness in it You're not teaching your sons how to read I hope, are you?Is that not coming across well?Right, I'll leave that to the teacher Imagine that reading you a bedtime story As the three bears went and they said I'll have my porridge now, can I?He's been needing that pounding for a while You speak to a man who just for a laugh when I was in Port Opelenza recently You know how they did the aerobics thing in the pool?I was the only guy in the pool doing it.I joined in for a bit of fun.

And it was me and all the women.Did you enjoy it?I thought it was fine.Oh yeah, I got a thrill out of it.It was a good 15 minutes.Oh well, Budgie smugglers.

How bad's that?

When you cannae go in a pool.

Aye.How many times do you just try and bend a life with it?Oh no, I'm tucking it up.No, but do you?Do you?

Bend it hard on?

Huh?How could you bend it hard on?

But you try to get rid of it.How would you try and get rid of it if you had to get rid of it?

Good thing, if we're on the ball this week, how do you get rid of a hard on?We could speak about that.How do you get rid of a hard on?I'd send you to the show.

Here is the next view for the pod.Took the wee man to a climbing activity for the kids and there's a fully grown man here taking part.

I'll do that.Aye.Aye.

Aye.Aye.

Aye.Aye.Aye.Aye.I got drinks bought for me because of my da, guys at Arby's, you know, I haven't seen you for ages here, that's for your da, because my da used to hate seeing the kids on our street, hanging about, not having anything to do, and that was long before MD, they were on phones and all that, you know what I mean, in the house, but when they were out, my da woulddo stuff like get about 20 of the kids in the street right we're going to walk to Glasgow to Motherwell right away through Belsillie and onto Glasgow train back and everything right get on your bikes we're going up to the Clyde valley and you'd go up there see all the places they've got all the strawberries Up the Atlantic way and all that.

We'd go up there like a fucking plague of locusts.Because you'd never buy any, right?20 wains up on the bikes from Motherwell.And the fucking strawberries, you know.And we're all eat fuckers out there in this life, and we all know that.But guys at a 30 day kid's a good turn on that.

His dad's a lollipop, man.Is that right, aye?His dad was back this weekend.How was he finding it, being back?Tough backstory, I think.Michael Fiske O 'Brien, he only had one eye.

So he did a one way street.

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18 plus teens, teens apply, please.You're in my head now.He's fucking done me.

You're panicking now.Right, Ant, what's the news?How's your fringe going, mate?You're absolutely smashing it.

Aye, it's been great, great fun.I love nothing more.You get a mic on, you stand on a stage, you know, that's that, and you can butt him in.

But you were saying that you don't do the same routine every show?

No, I'd get fed up listening to myself.That's true.And I think if folk are going to listen to me, it's certainly about my style of music and all that.I think I'm... some old fashioned guy and that and the amount of the young team that have been in to see me has been absolutely brilliant and the other day, I don't even know if it was the day Si you were in, it might have been, but there was a young lassie sitting down the front face of South Africa and it was four wee students, two wee couples right, but the minute I went up and I saw, I says you were here the other day, yeah we werewe were.And I says, right, what are you doing?

Well, we just really enjoyed ourselves.So after we went up the stair for a drink, I said to them, I says, tell me the truth here.And then down to the left, another guy who just last year gave me the guided tour of the Houses of Parliament in London, which was amazing, Stephen Flynn of the SNP, big, big Dundee United fan.So he was up there, SNP, shooty in with everything that's been happening with them.You leave that aside for another day, so it's been great.You were hammering the old people at that show.

Sorry?Maybe the four old people that were sitting.Oh, there's always some old folk.You were fucking hammering them, eh?Because, see what I forget?I forget.

Oh, the two old boys, aye.I forget, because I've been doing off the ball now for... 32 years, right?It's a long time to be doing anything, right?But I forget that the old folk just don't know, you know what I mean?And because they always listen, they just grow away, yeah?So the good thing you know about that is, oh guy, we better be very careful with him and just be polite and all that.

They love having a gag said about them.That's why they're there, isn't it?Exactly!And do you feel now you need to...I make it quite about my show, in fact.If it's got any kind of theme, the stories are always telling off the ball.

1998 World Cup, in the Stade de France, we had the two -metre clear.I thought, these are a bit smart for a fat big man. 30 seconds later in walks Pelly, when I'm stood having a pee, right?And I thought, Jesus God, you know what I mean?And anyhow, the only thing that Pelly said to me, all guys do it, He had a wee look, Pelly, when I'm having...No, we didn't, we exchanged pleasantries, because I had my big Bay City rollers kind of tartan suit on, right?So he knew I was a Scotland fan, clearly, right?

But we didn't speak, but that was a good hook for the show, because I repeat that story, I had nausea, I'm on the radio, so I started thinking, and I was writing them all down, all the people I've met,in and out of football and all that, show business people everything and there's always great stories about them and a lot of the stories that you can't maybe tell on the radio.So that is kind of what the show's meant to be about.They take one and I just shuffle them and say right here's next.I've no used them yet and I've done two weeks.Who are the biggest names you've met?

The biggest?It depends what you mean by the biggest.You're not sure at the time, are you?His guests are just meeting him.Just meeting him?Just meeting Pal, and that's only because he's an absolute diamond who...

I'll tell you how I got in touch with Rod Stewart, right?You remember when I had my wee debacle, my wee incident with the women's football, right?It was all fine.99 % of the folk got in contact with either me, the Daily Record, or even had been taken the piss out of them.But I understand how it all came about.It'd have been even worse if it hadn't happened right now.

Because the world has turned again, it's taken another, you know?So...Oh, the other neat bits of email.Hi, Tam.It's...One of you are big on a bit of a hard time.

And he was just about to do the Hydro, right?And one of the emails I was getting in the back of that, calling that, I thought, who's this at the fucking wind -up, right?Sid James.Now, you mind Sid James with the Carry On films?You've seen the old guy with the crackly face, right?He used to get called Sid James by pals because he was dead throaty and had a cackly laugh.

Oh, about a few hours later, my phone goes, hello, hello, my old sausage, it's Lord.And I said, so you read the column then, you saw the bit of bother I was in?Yeah, yeah.And he gets the record still for the Furtwur mainly, right?Because he loves his Scottish Furtwur.So he took me to the Hydro, cut a long story.

So I get the best seat in the house for the gig.I go to the interview with him, and I put it in the Daily Record as a feature, as an interview.And then we just kept in touch.He just says, oh, I love your stuff.in the paper and all that and then what I did I mean you know and then he just kind of tapped into you like that and he's a very very generous man some of the stuff he's done he reads the record tap he'll text me that story in page seven an ex -army boy who had lost a leg and he's needing money for this operate.Can you find out details about him?

And Rod just sends his folk checks and all, you know?He's brilliant, he's absolutely, and he loves his foot, ma.When we went to see him the year before last, last time I was in Vegas, as usual, right, oh you're in Vegas this year again, right, come up after the show and all that.He does the gig, again, we've got the best seats in the house, brilliant show.We goes round to see him after it, and when he goes into his big lounge and he's got all the folk backrooming and that, and then some pals that have come to see him.So he came out to us right away, right up, talking about music and all that, you know, there's Tamman.

So he ran out, big hug, me, the wife, and my wee lassie.

I love my fucking waiter!

So anyhow, but the first thing he said, this was bizarre, he said, how do you think the American guy will get on at St Johnstone, Tam?Wow.And I went, oh, I've got fucking no idea who they've signed.I said, oh, Rod, I'm out the loop a wee bit.Who's that?Is that a goalie or something?

No, no, the guy driving about in the car.You remember much of that?I did.I did, and road safety is imperative.Well, the message's worth thanking dogs, isn't it, Pop?

Hi, I'm Euroman, who likes to go out and have a pint.But how much of a no -go is it to then get behind the wheel, putting your passengers' safety at risk and other road users?

It's absolutely crucial.And again, I'm one of these guys...I'll tell you why it's easy for me.See all these boys that say, come on, you can have one, you can have...You know what I mean?Laying friends up in a wee lounge.

I had driven out to the footbath that day for the radio.And we've all done this, where you have a few bevvies but you think, I'm alright, I'm alright.And I mind looking out the window and seeing my own behaviour.Never, never, ever, ever drink and drive.

Not only can it have devastating consequences, but it can also result in a 12 month ban, an up to £5 ,000 fine and 6 months in prison.

So it's a simple message lads, if you're planning on having a drink on a night out, make sure you plan ahead for your travel home.

Use public transport, book a taxi or arrange a designated driver to get you home safely Paul.

This is really important, real roads don't reset, arrive alive.For more information visit roadsafety .scot forward slash young dash drivers.Have you had to deal with any hecklers so far at the fringe?

Eh, no.How do you usually deal with hecklers?I just slaughter them and make them cry.That's that.No, I don't...If you get any...

If a heckler...If they've come out with a decent line...See somebody, I've done so many gigs in the past, if somebody just makes a noise, I mean there was a show last week and I happened to mention Forthorpe, a wee story that happened up to me there, and the minute I did this guy, I cannae have a dae shout themselves, I'm fae Forthorpe!And you think, fuck, you know what I mean mate, fucking, calm down, that's all it meant was, as if the guy had never been out the house before, had Forthorpe got a name check, right?The way my mind works then, I immediately thought my mind went blah blah blah and I remember doing a food review.I remember doing a food review at a place called Sadler's Bakery in Forfar.

It was famous for the Forfar Bridies but you could sit and eat and all that and it was a wee story to tell when I was in there.So that was good, the guy took me down another wee road because I was able to remember that.But as I say to audiences generally, I could never work against it.It's all up there.

Brilliant.Right, question for us all.Who would be the best comedian in the Scottish Managers?Out of all the Scottish Managers.

Stand -up comedian?

Aye.If one of them had to go up on stage.Aye.Martyn Day would be good.He'd just slaughter people, wouldn't he?

Aye, he'd be amazing.Who could be good?Martyn O 'Neill would be alright.Martyn O 'Neill, he's best man with me, Martyn O 'Neill.Tell us this live on the show.We got him on the radio and he's been another guy that's helped us out with the hospice incidentally.

When I was in Scotland the first time,round, you used to do that TV show on a Monday night, didn't you?Strange show, strange show.And you had that wee man that impersonated me. I says, aye, Jonathan Watson.And he's like, aye, straight up's a strange show.But he says, I used to carry at that time a photograph of you in my inside pocket.

And I says, why was that?And he says, well, I used to show it in training to John Hartson, and said, if you don't stick in, boy, you're gonna end up like that.And I was about 18 and a half stone at the time.So he did it again.Oh, God, aye, you know what?I've talked to him.

I like that genuinely, because I'm a fan.And I said to bosses at the BBC as well, I says, Andy Halliday's good, by the way, he knows his foot, man. I laugh, Steve McGinn.I know that, aye, and I know that...No, I'm talking about here, the punditry.You're waiting to come on to the team gigs a week, then, are you not?You're like Clare Balding.

Clare Balding.Well, no offence to Balding, but...I didn't mean that, but I just meant you've got a lot of ginner.

Aye, I've got my own academy, so I'm still coaching every day.Well, not every day, but most of the year, punditry.

Right, but you don't see yourself in a senior club in the dugout?Nah.

No.Bar, bar one comment.Everybody's gonna melt down driving home from Ibrox and the first thing they have to do is sign.You said at the start of the season, you said you would let him go, it's the right time for him to go.Aye.So how all of a sudden that you've no won a game yet, is he the first point of recruitment to bring him back in?

See when I heard you saying that, I thought, I thought Open goal should pick up the phone to Fadi.He makes a valid point, because I thought it sounded a bit daft first up myself and then I said to Ray Bradshaw, who was doing the show on me on the weekend, Stuart Simeon Holder, I says, where is Tarvin Lear now?And he says, oh he's unattached, he's not got a club or anything.So it wasn't that daft, he could have picked up the phone next week.Are you still double down on it?

Aye.I think he's better than the right backs they currently have.

But the thing is, Andy Sterling, you kind of rely on him to be fit all season.So you're needing to get a right back and they're looking to be starting for you, to be starting almost.

Well, that's what I mean, go and get one then.Because I think that is one of the most imperative positions.The first thing to do is bring Tavernier back.Because it's the easiest one to do.Everybody talks about how difficult it is to get business done at this point in time with World Cups and boys going back to their clubs.That's not a difficult one to do.

Do you know, Hank, though, if he did come back, would he not?He doesn't bother with that, does he?

That's the one thing I always praise for James Tavener.That doesn't bother him.Seeking the ball away.Balls and free kicks and penalties.

His defending's not great.Bring it to Motherwell.Who's been this late?Come on to our show.He was out of work at the time, he hadn't even gone to Dundee.When he came on the show, he didn't take the piss out of himself for two hours.

And he just took the piss out of himself.And then when I did the Dundee Supporters Association, end this into the main bit of the town in Dundee and at the end of a street on a corner.It used to be a cinema, it used to be a bingo hall and they've now done it into this place.Might be called just the venue or something.You must know Dundee.Because the Dundee supporters clubs, there's hundreds of them.

There's hundreds of them right.And so we had the night in there.Now, a lot of two -faced bastards in the audience, as I made sure that I said, because I says, and here he is now, Stephen Presley!This is me there, yeah!I says, you two -faced shower of bastards!And Stephen knew what I was on about, right?

And because, you know, you mind when he first went there?Aye, I know, it was wild.He didn't think he was going to last, but Again he came up and he just took the piss out of himself.He was absolutely brilliant.

We bumped into him at the airport, didn't we?Amazing.Love to get him on if he's listening.He was very hilarious.

Right, you going on tour mate?Is this your first ever tour?Well, it's called 28 York Place.It's opposite the casino and it's straight into the Tour of Scotland which is right at the start of September and it's everywhere fae Strathpeffer.You ever been away up there?I've done pre -season up there.

It's a way up there to a way down to Hawick.And the reason for that being, I'm doing it with Regular Music, who have been in the gold forever, and they primarily do bands and all that, name any Scottish band, they've promoted them.And they did all the recent stuff like the Glasgow Bandstand and all that, you know, Billy Ocean and all that, you know.So his offices are just down from that hotel where I do my gigs.And he just approached me and says, I really enjoyed your show, have you thought about doing a tour?And I says, no, I says, but if he, you know, and within days these guys are like that, right?

Sharp Cookies.He had a plan out for me.Venues and all that, good venues that he's used before.And we block booked September.This was a good year ago anyhow.And I says, right, looking at my diary, to the end of the next month, the season buffered you.

and again two days later he's back with all the dates and everything so I'm looking forward to it.Now I've been all around the country doing individual gigs and I love going to places and it's good and you boys with doing this you'll know the same.If you go far away, right?Dots about everywhere for a month and then I'm going to go on holiday.

Excellent, well the link to buy tickets for Tam's stand -up shows is in the link in the description box below.Unfortunately we're now onto Motherwell.

Just call it, I've seen him three times, you are very good.Thank you.I love the Blackfriars stuff, when you're with somebody that's the best.

I'll let you get the threes in for a wee Open Goal special on Blackfriars, when you're three of the guests.Let's do it, 100%.I'd get the threes together on, and that's that, and it'd be great because I start back with them monthly in September.And you know the set up there, and you're bad and all that stuff.same folk that run it and everything, and we've got a lot of big names lined up for that again, including Derek McInnes, who asked to come back on, and the minute he got the Rangers job I texted him, I said that'll be you, you'll be done, oh no no no, I'll come back any time you want.

Do you know what we should do?The four of you should travel in a Winnie Bagel up to Scotland for a BBC documentary.How big is it?No big enough, but that's even better.

And you know I had one of them, I've had the experience of them, they're great to drive, they're brilliant.How good would that be?And we went everywhere in ours, everywhere, it was tremendous fun.And we bought ours, how lucky were we, weeks before Covid kicked in.So whenever there was lockdown, in the house, nae hotels open, nae restaurants, there's no way you go.Just remembering you saying people are saying you look like Nicola Sturgeon's husband.

Yes.I got all the look -alikes, yes.I used to get Harold Bishop from Neighbours.I got my big goof -all, Harold Bishop.And then I got Steve Bunting, the darts player.Ha -ha -ha.

Ha -ha -ha.But Peter Murrell, and that's it, you know.

I'm loving that wee style of dae, Si.Cancer Buster was a hero.He's an absolute hero.

If I look like him, I'd dae that.He's really...I don't think people realise how funny he is.He's one of the best guys.

One of the best guys you could ever meet actually.He does a lot of shooting because guys like him are funny and they would expect you.If Stephen Thompson had come to a show of mine.Say it down to somebody and they didn't take it well, that's well known.

Even off the ball days like that, early days.

You know what, we've been so lucky in Touchwood, I mean 30, 32 years, we liked he had the right spirit.You know what it's like when you're doing this, we always like to have the right spirit in the studio so that when folk leave they say, they always say two things which is I take great pride in.It's had two hours already, that flew by, right?Oh is that two hours?That flew by.You think, oh that's good, you must have enjoyed it.

Some things you can listen to in the raid on it.No demdy that's like taking it up and thought, well I'm never coming on.One of them, sorry, the goalie, it was at Hamilton, Cherney.Thomas Cherney.I think Thomas Cherney thought, He was going to come on, we were going to make out he was like fucking Dino's off or something, right?Dino's off!

And he was noted at this time and he was getting a lot of flack at the time.See how the goalies, when they waste time, they had all the studs against the posts and all that and walking about.Worst thing they ever did was allow them to take a bye kick for either end.Have they scrapped that now?No.They should, why don't they?

If the bog is out there, get the fucking ball and get on with it, right?So we were having a wight go at Thomas Cherney for all the stuff that goalies get up to, right?And I think it might have been a cultural difference because he's...Originally, where's he?Where's Chek?Chek, is he, right?

So it might have been he's no fucking pet of Chek either, that's for sure.I guarantee you I'd have made that joke that day as well.But he did take the nap.Stuart always remembers that one for some reason, me and me.Stuart thought he was a wee bit fucking off, wouldn't he?But again, I would take him back tomorrow and have a laugh with him.

Because you've heard the Frank McIverny story, haven't you?

What one?The best is amazing.No, I've not heard it.

The show finishes.Is the show finishing?No, it wasn't even our show.It was a few summers ago.Frank was in doing a typical thing they would do in the summer when there's no football in one of the years, no Euros, no World Cup or whatever.And so big Kenny McIntyre, my big mate, was there.

So he was recording one with Frank McIrvenny, right?So they're in one of the studios, you know what they're all like, and they're sitting there and it's pre -recorded to go out maybe that Saturday when they've got a big long boat sound when they firt were.So they're pre -recording it with Frank and then Kenny, somebody snicks their head in the door, Kenny, phone call for you, all right Frank, sorry, I need to stop this now, I need to go, it might be one of the wains or something.So he's away, so Frank is likein the studio himself, but the mics are still live, which means everything is getting recorded.And Kenny got all of this recorded.

So you let me hear it, right?Before I told them, and I'm saying this on the record, I said, you better delete that.You better delete that, there'll be laws and all that about that, about recording somebody when they don't know you're doing it or whatever it is, right?But no before everybody's heard it, we've all pushed ourselves, right?Because all you hear, Kenny says, wait till you hear this, so he'll let me hear it, it's all you hear, it's all very quiet in the studio, Frank's himself, you can hear him just a wee bit of breathing, I think, and then his phone goes, right?And he answers it, and then all you can hear is..

.I might be doing a gig.I might be doing a gig with Frank, you would imagine.So good, innit?You can imagine him saying it, isn't it, when he's saying it?It's fucking a bit cheesy, Grant.

Knowing that he's a top -quality swordsman, you know?But the...Oh, I was pissing myself.But you would think it would be impossible to make Frank McAvaney blush, right?I did it.I think I was in Edinburgh somewhere, right?

Just to fuck my dinner for a fuck -my -club or something.And when I stood up, I suddenly remembered that while I was on my feet, right?Frank had already done his bit.Tapping the bell, obviously.So Frank had done his bit.Aye, no bad.

But then I said, when I was on my feet, I said, oh, great being on with Frank.And oh, I need to tell you this one about Frank.And I said, so Frank was in the, and Frank's looking at me bemused.He didn't know what I'd heard about it.He'd probably forgotten about it.I said, so Frank was in doing an interview with Kenny McIntyre, right?

And I could see him starting to remember it, right?Unwit!Right?And then by this point, his fucking face is gone, isn't it?Right?But you know what Frank's like, eh?

was fucking pissing himself the minute I told it, you know?Brilliant.

Jonathan Watson's Frank McIvenny, the best ever, that.

I think Jonathan Watson's incredible, do you not?I bet you some of you saw it, when we did the old telly show offside, we did a run of shows at the King's Theatre where So it was me, some guests came on like the show and Johnny who always did a wee impersonation slot, Johnny came on live in front of the audience and there's this clip, I would urge you to look it up on Instagram because I posted it no that long ago and it is just me on the stage at the Kings because I think it was videoed or whatever for a DVD at the time and I just say, so ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Frank McAveney.So Johnny comes out to a live audience King's Theatre was rammed, done up, full mackart, the wig, the teeth, everything and it is just, he comes out and he doesnae speak and it's like three and a half minutes and the audience are just killing themselves, he's just coming out twitching and all that, right?And spotting fuel guests that night, he's howling, it was just amazing.So did Only An Excuse come off the back of Offside?No, not already, because the 40th anniversary just passed there of Only An Excuse, starting out audio and when Joy of Joys, when You know, folk that are watching this who kinda age with me, they'll remember it.

There was a boy who brought it in to us one day.Somebody gave us a tape, an old cassette tape, you know.Wait till you hear this.And it was brilliant, but it's 40 years, so while they're still on their 40th anniversary year, you should get Philip Duffer and Johnny to come on in.They've done the hybrid.Two great guys, isn't it?

Do you think they'll ever be into that again?Nah, do you?

I think you're out of time.You know what, and you know the other thing, Andy, I keep saying, we always say this, I say this at the start of every season to Cosgrove, when we get into the start of a season, I say, right, when do you think it'll be this year, October, November?And what we're talking aboutis when you've got to grasp all the names.that have come into all the clubs.I don't envy the commentators or the pundits one bit, when you need to know all the names, you need to be able to even pronounce them correctly and all the rest of it, you know.

And it normally takes us, sometimes even with Motherwell players, I need a few good weeks of seeing them in the flesh, seeing their names up on the scoreboard, seeing the name on the back of their jersey, just because players in and out, in and out, in and out, and because of that was, for big chunks of time, and you knew them as characters because they were able to blossom and McIverney's a great example of that so it's kind of hard, now you look at the Dundee, right I'm not using this in any Scottish points right, so you imagine if you had to ask Phil Duffer to write a script for Johnny Watson to perform for one of the Dundee United players, you know, nobody knows anything about them, so I don't think you would ever get something like that coming back.Well, on the Murdoch game yesterday we spoke about a bad match.Do we need to talk about that?

We're talking about football in general.I'm going to come to you Andy on it as how important is it now for Murdoch to get players in?We're losing just slightly.

I don't know if Tam agrees but I think goalkeeper, back four, midfield I think's fine.I actually like a lot of the new boys that have come in.I still think they need one or two at the top end of the pitch.I think they need a striker and I think they need another winger.

Because you know what, if we don't get him, the transfer window's at September the 3rd.So, still plenty of time today, plenty of business, and I've got to be honest, I cannae see how a club would not come in for Masvinisi after what he did last year.So I don't want it to go that it waits right to the 11th hour and then boom, he goes, fuck, we've not replaced him, we've not got Mdelsine.And the bottom line is, we've got cash on the hip, as Del Boy would say, we've got plenty of money in the now, you know, £14 million plus having come in from the Lennon -Millers transfer, which is tremendous.and for the boys that we've lost...you know, Just was incredible, Elliot Watt I thought outstanding, it was a peach wasn't it?

See last year's no time as that.as we do when the festival's on, we were doing the Off the Ball from the BBC in Edinburgh because if you do it in there, it means that there's so many celebs in Edinburgh for the festival, you can get them in your show, rather than saying to them, can you come through to Glasgow and all that, you know?So we always do that for a couple of weeks in August.So when I was through last year, I was driving away for the BBC, Motherwell were at Pinecastle, but because I don't know how it's going to pan out to the festival and all that, I didn't have a ticket, I didn't go to the game.But what I was going to do that day, as Andy knows that he can do, I was going to bolt right back to the BBC, I'd get back there in time for kick -off and he can watch all the games coming in with the Sports Scene Boys, right?So I thought that'll do for me.

So I'd barely got away from the venue in Edinburgh and my phone goes and it's Gary Mackay.right, the hearts legend, the new club ambassador and all, oh how you doing, how you doing, I heard you, you were in Edinburgh then for the show, I said, I'm thinking he's wanting me to get into some directors area, I says, I've got my jeans and a t -shirt, no, no, no, just come and I'll get you a seat.So, in terms of the Fatma, and this was very early in the Jens Bertilasko age, I sat between, couldn't have been any better, I had a seat in between Gary Mackay who I'd known for years and another great wee guy who I love to bits, Billy Brown, right?And he's an ambassador as well, it hurts.I was sitting in between them and my eyes going aww, every wee passer, aww, aww.They're making all these wee noises and I'm listening.

Maybe they were touching each other's arses behind your back.

But what they were saying, and Billy Brown said, I've no seen football at that at Pinecastle, Tam.And he mentioned, I cannae mind the team, there was an Italian team went for Arsene here in 30 year.And again, tippy toes,fans know what it's like when you end up blowing it that day as well they came back 3 each, fair play to them and then a save for Big Callum at the death it would have been 4 -3 to Hearts but the football was incredible and I still think the best used to, I got brought up in God, particularly away from him, wee Tommy McLean, who was a genius, but the bottom line was with Tommy, when you went to Celtic or Rangers, you suddenly went to an old -fashioned five at the back, and there was a big guy, some older folk tuned into this might remember, a cracking big guy, Alec Kennedy, big red headed boy.He then went into the junior game, got sent off in a junior cup final once for headbutting somebody.But big Alec was in the fringes at Moro, and he, honestly, he only got a game in Craig Paterson.

central defenders, two right experienced boys, but for wee Tommy.

Last year there was obviously murmurs from the outside that could Motherwell get in amongst a title race, could do, wasn't there?There was.Was there any point that you thought they could?Yes.I don't know.

Because from what I'd watched in their performances against the big two, Celtic and Rangers, and then Hearts who oh so nearly were champions for the way that we'd schooled them in the first half at Tyne Castle.So that had no reason No to think that we couldn't.And just coming in, players coming in the style of play.I'm delighted.And you know what?What we've been blessed with in certainly recent years, see all the guys in McMahon who's the chairman and Big Derek Weir and all that, they've supported it.

Motherwell all their life.You move on now, Kirk MacMillan.Is it Kirk that's changed it?

Am I right?

Is it him that's changed it?I don't know.Well, which is why the last two managers, unless you were a right kind of nerdy, anorak kind of wearing Motherwell fan, one of these guys that forensically knows everything.Hogesy.But aye, aye with Johansson, right?And when anybody's saying, who do you think's going to get the Motherwell job?

I says, I'm not panicking.And I says, I'm not going to give you any names because they'll just bring a surprise.and they've done it again and I think it's fair if they thought we were disrespecting them because that sometimes gets mentioned in Fitbit.Aye, you got what you deserve.Backfired.But it's going to be an amazing atmosphere on Thursday night against the Germans, because they're a good team.

I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.

I know they're a good team.

I know they're a good team.

I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.

I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.I know they're a good team.

I know they're and have a date?How good were they on Thursday?

That's the only positive I'll take out of this, that's the only positive because that guy even let a wee, it wasn't a bad swearie but if you saw his post -match interview he says we'll be pissed tonight but he meant like pissed.I might have been a different way of doing things, good old Scottish way but he says we were pissed tonight you know.Yes you do.But I totally agree with Andy though, I'm quite happy with the team right up to up top because the way he started 11th hour of the game, September the 2nd I would have sighed I would have been amazed if somebody came in for him as well I'm not saying he's the best player in the league but he's the best player to watch now He's so exciting He's the best player to watch now Money for players right but I think we're in a position now and I know they talk about you cannae break the wage structure and that could upset the apple cart in the dressing room and all of that but We're surely in a position with the money we've brought in that we could attract a couple of decent players.

He's unbelievable mate.I've always said he's one of the worst finishers I've ever seen.

But he's adding goals isn't he?Some of the stuff he did last season, you're right to the final touch.

He could buy 4 -5 people and people would be bundling that for him and then he'd put it by the post.But then this year he scored two belters on Thursday.

See the boy, he's been out injured for ages.

At the start of the season, everyone just thought it's Motherwell.So they would come after you, or they would sit off.We didn't really know a game plan of how to beat you, so they were just like, we should beat Motherwell, we won't play them.So Jens brought in...

as like a different profile where if he tried to hit him so that's the type of player he is Big Steven O'Donnell and Paul McGann they could struggle to get back in the team That's been good because they've been very very good at the back you know but totally agree we need some bodies up front Did you watch this man's tournament in the European away?

No just a bit, do you think Motherwell can do the same?

I think as it stands Motherwell finish top six if they sign two really good At the top end of the patch, top four, as easy as possible.

And by the way, to go back to the talk about the manager, or was it the young guys that came in yesterday, who are you pointing the finger at?The game that he knew, I thought, who's this wee guy?He just knew who he was, but he grabbed his chance and a lot of Murdoch fans still remember that, right?And so I tend to agree with what you're saying, I think the players in Albania, no, no, didn't they?I don't think any, there was all red tape stuff and that, I think there was, the guys that, you know, every club's got them guys that said, I've not missed a single match for 50 years.There's always folk by hook or be crook get to a game, but that was just a turn off right away for Murdoch fans.

But what I'm saying is - That's how you done well.He got chopped in.He got chopped in and they took his chance.So, I'm sorry.Now he's not wanting young boys to get a chance.

Now he's smearing them into the Europa League.

It's not the manager's fault for that.They boys should be able to.It's the hotel.Remember the hotel?It was a beautiful, big hotel.But you went, dear old John Swinburne.

You remember John?Commercial manager and stuff at Mural Directors.John had just got a new hat.John was a good old age, but he'd been dying to get a hat.Right, John was in his 70s.We'd done the charter flight for the fans, right?

And so we all just booked into the same hotel, made it easy, right?And you'd think, I don't know, Romania, Bucharest, I don't know what he's talking about, you know?So we went there, but Bucharest, beautiful, beautiful city, but one of those cities where you went, 100 yards from the hotel, and it was, well, it was, you know, it was terrible, the poverty and that, it was awful, but,was a great thing.Was he up there with Fadi in terms of excitement with a young player coming through?Genuinely with that game that night, because it was like, where did we get this boy from?

There was another, I don't know if you can remember, there was certainly another couple of guys that came in that night.It was Jim Gannon, wasn't it?Jim Gannon played all the young ones and just bombed them.Murphy was playing.Aye, so it was great and you love when you see that in a player because At Motherwell, when it was forced upon us when we went into administration, right, the company not the club, I always like saying that, when we went into administration and the players that were forced to come through, the young guys who, you know, they were like Stephen Pearson and all that and Faddey himself because Terry Butcher had one arm tied behind his back so he had to play these boys and lo and behold, you know, they were good enough and they became stalwarts, they became legends indeed, you know, so...

I've not seen these players now though.What do you think if Celtic and Rangers weren't qualified in the last 16 of the Champions League, playing all Scottish players, it just wouldn't exist?

Andy, who've you got fond of memories of?Mullerill.

Oh Andy!Well you know what I really liked about Andy was that he was one of the biggest supporters of the club and the players.even when he wasn't playing, you know what I mean, which I always respected.In terms of being an experienced player and all that, I knew for a fact, it must have been good still having somebody about, but I think you knew fairly early on in the season that you weren't going to see a lot of action, you know what I mean.I've never kicked a ball in my puff, I've never been in a dressing room, but I'm guessing it must be good to have a boy like that.About, you know, and whether it's, who are you doing it to?

BBC, Open Gold, Premier Sports, Radio Clyde.What I like is that he doesn't, because he's now operating with them, that he doesn't...I used to cover him, I heard you.I was a fucking grown -up with that.I says, look, if he was a big, mad Rangers man and he was hating the idea of the Rangers losing, he wouldn't have fucked it.

He said he regretted it.doing that.I don't regret no celebrating but I regretted doing that because that does come across.

Fucking long bursting run to get into the position to score the goal.So for him to say, oh fuck it, I couldn't understand that.And I would have said that by the way, even if it wasn't a Motherwell game, say if it was the same scenario that I really liked, I did it the other day with Connor Salmon.We had Big Conor, weren't you sure?Was he good?Conor has hung up the boots, right?

That was unfinished wallah.His stats at Hallor were brilliant.Now, I know you get it.That's no bad.That's bang average, no?Ta, that's no great.

That's a goal every, what, three games?I thought that was alright, right?I thought that was alright, right?I thought that was decent, right?But anyway, he was brilliant.And then when he's got the wee slight, still the wee Irish accent and that, the wee...

And the broadcasters love that.They love a wee, you know, hint of the boys.You know, like Killian Sheridan's another one that I've talked to, he's got a great accent, you know?And the wee Irish accent, Stephen Craig of course, has gradually gone a wee bit.And the boy that, who's the boy that I'm forgetting about?Irish accent that they used a while back, he was at Dundee United and he's still playing.

Giggs Coddy's voice is a lovely voice.

You were saying that the other day, you like to talk in English to him?

Aye, Tom, I think him and Andy are really good together.But Tom obviously coming from the journalist kind of background, but in terms of nice and early, which is why this has been so successful, but everybody's doing a fucking podcast, isn't it?Oh my god.It's his mate, no abuse.No, I saw it.

It's Joe's.You loved that though, didn't you?Aye, I did, I did, but I always admit that, yeah, but the second season I'd hardly played under Jens, I was that buzzing that I've got a break and some day I'll still get it and I'll be able to enjoy it.It was even worse!

It made it easy, the apology made it easy.So the first event we had after that, Player of the Year, that was easy because we now come to one of the most prestigious awards, the Player's Player of the Year.Who the players voted for, you know?And I said, Andy Halliday, he obviously voted for Tavernier, right?because a lot of them are still talking about it and again I think there must have been so many that came up to you and said just what I said a bit on that show, it was nice, go on and fucking go.

But Cam, you used to beat Bevis McAbbey at Sting.Oh aye, big man.What did he say to him?Oh my.

Big bomb scare, oh he was, he was.Now I loved him.How he played as a footballer.Oh aye, I mean it was a game, was it against Tim's Scottish Cup, the League Cup, I cannae mind anyhow, but it was a big scything challenge in the first minute and he gets sent off and you just sort of, game over, down to ten right away, you know.So he was like, but the first time I ever did a gag about him, a wee gentleman, it would have been that he laughed like fuck.So you thought, oh the big man's got a sense of humour, great.

And that's the same Stephen O'Donnell who's sitting with his cappuccinos on a fucking night out, he's easy to roast as well.As long as you've got something to play with, then that's it, you know.Did you say anything about Big Yens?Oh aye, and he was very good, cos I sat with the organisers and that, so they were with the manager and that, the last one there.So it was Jens, his wife, she was great fun.

He's just working under Alfred Johansson now.

Alfred Johansson's giving his deal.But he's number two.Number two, aye.Oh, I don't know, I don't know.He was good fun.So that night, I cannae remember what it was with Jens, but when I came back down, I talk like fucking Rottweilers, you know what I mean?

But he was dead, he says, oh, that was really good, that was really good.He's done more than any Jens.

Aye, he's a bit of a rabbit, ain't he?I'm obsessed with his team talks at Toulouse now, do you watch one the weekend?Is he doing well?I think he is doing well.

Has the league started yet?It's next weekend isn't it?

And I've heard from clubs, Foley, other players and managers owning their careers when they go elsewhere, and when they leave Monroville that's me, I'm done.

I will keep, I might watch them next year.Toulouse?Aye.I'll take it away.Huge new Scotland appoint Sebastien Poggnoli, is that right how I pronounce it?

I'm not sure yet, I just want to know what I'm saying about Wait till October.

I'll be honest with you lads, I'm really excited about this.Obviously when the league with USG, he then goes to Monaco, finishes 4th I think it was, was it?4th and then, I do think they might get Rydhian, but that's not a bad thing finishing 4th there.But I think he's going to be really good and I think it's exactly what this team neat type of manager?

It's like Jamestown Analytics again isn't it?They've just plopped...I hadn't heard of the boy.I know he's got a fairly decent pedigree but I don't get involved in that sort of thing.But what I think it is, I think then, right guys, last chance, last chance alone for the boys that were out in America.Because right, if you're candidating under another manager who's state -level, and I'm saying right, well give us one more chance then.

because the summer was absolutely dire, right, and it was a bit of shared responsibility and you're saying, oh Stevie Clarke, many times did you hear the phrase, take the handbrake off, everybody kept using that, take the handbrake off, have a go, you know, but it's the last chance for these boys then, you think, right, we've got a manager in that's going to allow you to express yourself and attack and all that, let's see what you're made of, because we kept talking about these boys as superstars.

It's funny because you were talking about the current crop, I think see if there are other ones that are on the periphery, I think they are buzzing.Kieran Bowie, Robbie Ewer, Olly McBurnie, I think these guys, I think these guys will be buzzing because Steve Clarke, he was almost married to the boys that done well for him weren't he?And a lot of them would just get in the squad.And listen, you cannae go against it because they were successful but I think there's an opportunity for me, like your Lenny Miller isn't it, to come in now?

Somebody brought up Bertie Vaux is the reason why it shouldn't have happened.I mean, it's just ridiculous.

I know, fucking hell.What even is that?Who brought up that?

Who was it that said something about Bertie Vaux?It was in the paper yesterday.You brought it up before the show.Who were they saying about Bertie?

He should have held on to him for a wee bit.longer, right?We know that he was geeing out caps like Smarties and all that, right?He was accused of that all the time, right?But this guy had won the World Cup with these guys, you know?They should have...

So I was that up with Nancy?

Nancy, I had to give Nancy longer to sell it.Would you?I had, definitely.We wouldn't have won a league.So that would have been an absolutely honking idea.

But you'd have progressed, there would have been progression there.

I would still have got a four on what we're seeing now, under my height.If none of you had the players that you've got now, that have signed, they'd be better than are now.

See, I just hope that this guy gets time.Now I know, we've been critical Three games in and it's not great you want him out Aye, wasn't he great, right?It took him, what was it, four years before they got to a major tournament I think under this guy, it's going to be a completely different style of what we've seen for the previous seven years He needs a bit of time, he's just going straight into it You look like a guy in the pub there Nobody knows, right?

At least they are competitive games So he's right in there If it was Friendlies and let's say, you know, he did really well and because the way we are in Scotland He, you know, he could have been under pressure right away for games that didn't mean it.So he's better getting right in there.It's four games and it's a longer camp.Who will be playing first?

First game is Slovenia.Slovenia, Switzerland, North Macedonia.Right.

And you're also hoping that Filter's doing, be the first team down at the 21st innit?He's got to, hasn't he?Aye.It's got to happen.Who's got the 21st job yet?

I was just going to ask you that.

You?Who's got the 21st job?That'd be a great job, wouldn't it?

Aye.

So where's Mulholland's job?

Chief Football Officer, so he's part of the process, him, Maxwell, all these guys.

Well, I think the appointment's good, but the boy you were referencing, I said that before the show, I'm not going to name him, but he said that the manager needs to bring in Scottish coaches.Why?So he understands it.Understands what?You pass the ball, he's in.

Go for it.Exactly.He knows the league.What about the league?Jens came and never knew anything about the league and pissed it.He knows the league, he knows it.

What a load of shite, innit?

I start when Ange goes, where's he from?When that's the wally with the brawley, mind him doing all that at conference conferences.But when we were talking at the time, I thought we had cracked it, the dream team, when we were talking about it on the radio.And they were all effectively An Fadi.And I just thought, they'd all have great respect for each other, for what they've all achieved, Red Bullies, William and all that, and they, no, no, no, no, let this guy bring in his cup, or Euro's draw, when we were still doing the old telly show, and we went out to one of these Swiss cities, where they do all the draws and all that, so we interviewed loads of all the managers and everything, and a wee Bertie was one of them, and he was great, and I mean I was, The age that I knew, I couldn't remember really seeing him play or anything like that, but I knew the pedigree this guy had in that era.

It's all about the players.Your best Scotland interview with a manager is Walter Smith coming off a bus, isn't it?

In Scotland, I think they used to travel about with some of the under -21 games just to Like the kids and all that sort of Scotland players.Might even have been the full Scotland team, a friend of theirs.We'll just grab for Vox Pops, whatever we can get.And then the bus pulled up and off came Walter right away.So we go to Walter and then the minute I saw Ali, I thought, right, if this needs perping up a wee bit, Ali's your man.So we brought Ali in as well.

I think he charged us £50 ,000.And it was only that I was saying it, but the minute Walter Smith said, oh, I love a Brazilian, I just thought he was a lovely man and his wife still goes to his lovely.I had done the writers dinner and Walter that year had been the serious speaker, the keynote speaker because they're meant to talk about grassroots football and let's bring the boy to the right.But that's the way it was.right?You've been at these events, right?

And then they put on the turban, right?And when I did it that year, Walter teed it up beautifully for me because his speech, it was really, really...Don't mind if I make a wee joke about it though.He says, aye, on you go, on you go.So I got up and I fucking slaughtered them, right?And everybody was howling because they were letting the energy come back out, right?

They knew it, Walter, it hadn't gone well.But then went into my left knee, just kind of gave him a wee slap on the leg and he said, that was brilliant, son.And it was just, you know, it was one of the things that you just remember, you know.And I'm saying that as a Marlowe fan, you know, but just a nice guy.I know, I don't know what was going on.

You're fucking just quiet.I don't know what was going on.You were looking good, mate.

It was amazing, mate.I just couldn't believe what was...Everywhere.How did you feel?Out on top of the world.But all you speak to him about is Mark McNeil.

You heard about his health, you heard how he is. I mean, I was in a discussion with a bird, saying, will it be 20 points or 25 points if we win the league, mate?Well...We're not, we're not, we're on Rangers.Alright, okay, we'll do it.

Are you winching the now?Are you dating?

Er...

Good question, Taff.

Oh...He knows, he's a bit...

I mean, I venture, I think, we're not venturing...

All these wee ginger wains will go round about Scotland and Holland and all that.Drink cans of mustard?Aye, you give him a fruit shoot and a rusk and he go...I mean...You can tell they're only that size as well.

Is he for real or what?Oh, he cannae say a word to anyone.No, but I'm in a right... in a fucking good place.What would you call it then?You fucking Caesar Slane, that's genius innit?

That's in tribute to Billy McNeil.Aye.So make sure you spell it right.S -A -R.No, see that's like Julius Caesar.Caesar.

Aye, Caesar salad.Caesar.

Billy McNeil was, well the players thought he was a big Caesars then.Because he was a big good looking dude, you know.So I'll let you spell it, because Billy McNeil, what a great guy he was.Just spell it wrong.Did you meet Billy?Boxing every month.

It was Tommy Gilmore's club then, right?Now Ian Wilson is in it.Sporting Club.And Tommy would put a few folk from the media together at one table and invariably every month get to sit next to Big Billy.And what a lovely, humble man.There's a guy.

First, hope that the current Cromptie players, it's something to remember how you conduct yourself with the fans, how you conduct yourself when you're out and about.Because fans who idolise people, Like them.

And how do you think Paul Slane fans think when they see you out and about?

Mate he was brilliant with fans Saturday night.Loved it.I gave him every one of them.When you're putting on that slant of your head and grabbing your shirt and all that.See because they'll see you, you're right as, oh he's just a big dad.

I don't like that.You do feel like it's good.See if your weight.

Nah.But engagement, as long as you engage that.Going back to my shows, right.I'm going through to, god I had this afternoon, doing my first one back.So there'll be like, what is it, about 180 folk at the at the venue.180, that's quite well decent as you'd call it at East Kilbride.

But we've got... 12 minutes to get in Saturday, mate.Aye, we've got 180 in.6, 700.And if 180 of them got to the bar after it, I'll make sure I'm up there for a long time.Talking to him, I've seen you doing that.If anybody wants to come up and see him.

How was we striking on it?Aw, bruv.Now, striking...He's funny.He's the funny one.The day...

The reason I was doing that was to pull you, it's journalist everything.But two of them at the time, one was with Stuart Cosgrove and one was with Gordon Strachan.So it made sense, they said to me, will you do the interviews?And I said, aye.So the one I can know, I knew that I would only have to...I could have just started out by saying, so Gordon, Sir Alex Ferguson.

And that would have been the work done.They'd have gone in, 101 stories.And that's what it was like, the love for the audience.As guys were coming into the venue, When we were outside or when I'd see them, all the accents, I thought, you've come from Aberdeen for us, haven't you?You've come from Aberdeen, you've come from class.He is genuinely funny, isn't he?

He's great.He's sharp as fuck, isn't he?Quite witty, doesn't he, and great stories.

Well, we're on to Rangers.Best performance of the season, I thought, yesterday.Formation definitely looked much better.What did the formation give them?I think the personnel was better.I think Chukwana in there, Raskin, Devlin no playing.

And I don't want to keep on going for Devlin but I thought the personnel from that game to the other games was much better and I think that's why he's seen a much better performance.That being said, St Mirren were so open at times when they were so, so open.But you can't, I thought Rangers were really good.

I don't want to put a negative on it but see the fact that it is Masley Plizzard playing last year that came in and done really well.Does that worry you going forward with recruitment?

I mean I still thought your quota looked lively in the first half, I know you were one of the better players.

So tell me this, you boys will have noticed this, I wouldn't have.Who then that got dropped yesterday will struggle to get back in?

Will Shanklin come back in do you think?Or has Naderi now got that shirt and towel?

Well I think what we've always said isn't we, that Lorne Shanklin is definitely suited to a partner, no doubt whatsoever.But I agree with you in terms of, I thought the shape, shootied Rangers.So yesterday we were 4 -3 -3, Dagi Yovic and Chukwane are playing between the lines, but when the ball breaks down they've got a holding midfield player.That being said, at Nico Raston's there's never a six for me.Chukwane would be better playing there.Why do you think that?

Because I don't think Raston's got the positional discipline to play as holding the field and you actually take away a lot of his strengths.He's going forward and getting after people and getting in the box.I just don't think he's got the discipline to play that role.

I think Dale has got it, and I love Dale to bits, but I do think that he's got it right since he's come in with the style of play, the formation they've been playing and as I said the personnel.I thought yesterday, and even by the way, see on the recruitment, the board are getting a little bit It's the players that you, it's actually Del's players you think he's brought in, that haven't been really up to the standards yet.No, it's still very early.

As a Rangers fan and any, if asked any Rangers fan now,was that draw, was that good or bad?

The draw, for me it's good.Right.Now I think Celtic are favourites.They met them in the final.

So I've always been a mind it.

Right, that's a good point.You've always fuelled it.

Because all that's going to come up again, what's that going to be allocation wise because it's a cup game?

I think is it two and a half?I think it might be two and a half.

We're just going to end up getting bored.

I've championed the full allocation for years.I've been wanting to come back but how can you even argue for it after last year?

Slightly diluted for Penrith.A movie's been watching obviously, you've got quite close to him.You've seen my messages haven't you?What about that Celtic fan rating or the best of the Rangers fan rating?

Wow.You've had to cross the divide haven't you?Of course and when it comes to that, you put that aside.he'll go there and without a shadow of a doubt he'll believe that he'll be that best left back at the club even though...So what is it, a loan?Am I right in saying it's a loan in the season?

Loan with option to buy in the season aye.

But what a debut he had.Did you see in the back of that we're talking about the bit of bother and all that, the old firm game.Did you see the news coverage of the police huckling a Celtic fan away out of his house the other day?No.Oh I did see it actually.Did you listen to it?

It was on the news and the reporter says the Celtic fan had been led away, hood up and all that.Celtic fan being led away by Detective Derek Johnstone.And he thought, well, he's going to bleach in the back of the van.

Is there any chance of Rangers conspiracy stuff, but my God, how many fucking home ties are they going to get?Well, it's interesting you've said that to us.That's totally fine, but I'm asking you about this.How many fucking home ties can a team get?Aye, take it aye.It's absolutely bizarre.

Aye, I'm just definitely happy with that.

What is the feeling?Is the feeling he's being let down in the transfer window, or is the feeling that he should be doing better with the players that he's brought in?A bit of both.

I think naturally, I keep saying the whole month.That tells you that the recruitment team are not doing their job right.It's as simple as that.If you send that many players, something's went serious.wrong.Has Dundee United and Rangers got the same people?

Exactly, aye.But they're innocent players.You need to take a portion of blame and accept that.But the recruitment team...See when Andrew Kavanagh signed in front of him?He signed 28 players for £60 million last year.

How can you tell me we need another one, and another one, and another one?But the sad thing is today, you still need three or four.It's mental.

So I don't know if he's watched it and thought, fuck I cannae go there because we're really poor that night but as it came out that he's got an injury, is it?

Aye he's definitely got an injury but my assumption would have been that Rangers knew about that when he was coming after the first scan in Manchester and then go to the game so they obviously feel like they needed somebody to play straight away Do you think even though they've got Shankland there and if they go to one up front do they still need a striker?

They're looking to boy for America aren't they?

Aye but Matt do you know what, I don't want to say fear right but I just think if they sign a striker they're going to play to up front That's my feeling.If they sign another striker, Nadiri, Shanklin and Mioski, the three of them aren't going to sit on the bench, are they?

And a new striker's going to play as a lone striker.Right, and what Dale needs to stop doing is, and I hate it when any manager does this, keep going back to last season, where we were struggling last season.You're in a job now, do your job, what you're doing this, stop going back to last season.

What about when managers change it when they're winning?

Press after that, he felt he was asking too much of Yokota and Gisama.and they wanted to get them on the ball higher up, so on the last line basically, get after people instead of coming back as wing -backs.Higher up man.

In the pitch because you've lost control.

Who's Rangers go out on Thursday?Jablonek fae Chet Pumbaa.Are they decent?

They finished 5th in the Chet league last year.

Thomas Chet, Thomas Chet!Again, I just treat people as I find them.I'd known Derek Onanagh for a number of years, me slightly the same in Florida actually, he goes there every year.and uh but when he came and did my show at Blackfriars he was brilliantfun.Great, great stories, right?

And he loved it.He lapped it up.He brought his boy with him and all that.And so guys that are like that...

Was that funny, aye?Did you hear about that?

Aye, listen, because of Tenant Six, he's a cup competition.Rangers are playing all their games at Highbrook.

What else is it breaking?Did you see enough yesterday for a wee bit more optimism going forward?

Definitely aye, they're five different scorers, they've still obviously got a long way to go but that was comfortable enough for us.

I think you'd be very disappointed at us at Mirland fan, it was like you say, they were wide open, weren't they?The amount of chances down the throes of Hardland, you go to Ibrox or Parkhead, you're just never expecting it and that goes back to the old foreign managers, the guys that never grew up with Rangers and Celtic seeing us winning, they don't even know.Right, had they played when they won it back?

They could have potentially got a different outcome.

Same amount of times I've gone with my pals.

Shear wasn't at Ibrox, it was Motherwell playing that way, so it does work.

Motherwell didn't play that way, Motherwell dominated Rangers.I know, but what I'm saying is...St Mirren didn't dominate Rangers.

Jens was getting beat for...Jens was getting beat for Peterhead.Well, people say he never got beat, but he wasn't getting results against Peterhead and Clyde at this stage of the season.

Do you think Craig MacLeish is going to start playing with the Jens?

But if he wants to get there, then you need to continue to play like that, regardless of where you're playing.Do you think Craig MacLeish will get...

No, I don't think he will, but I think it's refreshing to see that he's trying.I think it's something you need to be careful of if you're getting battered like that, if we're praising that.

I know, but Rangers hadn't won a game either, so why would you not go there and continue to play how you've played?

No, listen, there's nothing wrong with being more positive and going for a game, but I just thought they were so wide open and continually get caught.As a manager, surely you've then got to step in it or see something to sort of change it, but listen, he's a young manager, so he will, then on the job.

Well, what Ahu has done is set up an amazing quarterfinal.At the post twice, didn't he?

But Celtic going forward this season look frightening.You look last season, at times you're watching the game and you're thinking, Barnegan, where's goals going to come from?I know maybe they did eventually, but three quarters of the season.it wasn't great.Even the wide players you're thinking they're not going to create much but no with Durant, even Durant's worth years by the way and then the big striker and then the wingers coming on as well.Now the quality they've added up there but I must say I'm more worried defensively going into this game against Lassley without Alistair Johnson there's a massive drawpath for that side there.

I might be completely wrong, I've heard Johnson's a bad one.Six weeks I heard.Have you heard worse than that?I've heard worse than that.Wow.Is it the same injury as the last time?

I've just heard it's worse than six weeks.Who told you?That's all I'll say.I'm not telling you.

Who was it that was obsessed with injuries last week?Ryan Jacks told him.Aye, Jacks.He knows every injury in Scotland, that guy.

I've heard Johnson's a bad boy.To me, and it's no mean negative, Celtic going forward, it seems like they're going to score every time they go forward.

It's just so many forward runners now, isn't it?They're so fluid, it's so good.

And they're clinical now.Whereas last year, Celtic still created chances last year, maybe not to the same extent.They were hard to watch to Andy up front.I know, but now it's like you say, every time they go forward you actually think they're going to score.

They're going to score, but my worry on the other side is the drawpath for Alistair Johnson coming out and Lasker, I know you've sort of painted this picture around the country that Lasker mugged the Australian League, that you praised the other team for batting hearts.Are you actually feeding into that?Don't say you were kidding on, because you had Lasker a right good side and Celt, I'm actually a wee bit Slightly worried about it from a defensive point of view.As I say, I keep repeating myself, but way foot Alistair Johnson there.

They're trying to get this Canadian boy in who can play right back as well, aren't they?

Are they?They're out for me and it's Donovan Riles in there, but I think there's too much head rope.Have you seen when Alistair Johnson came out last year?What happened to the boy?

Was it last season, I'm sure?Did they not bring in a guy for him?Was it Mexico?I don't know.What happened to him?He's away back to Bournemouth.

Oh, he's away again.Oh, it just didn't work, no.

No, it did.It was on loan.It was only on loan, I think it cost him.Oh, right.The way he's playing.

All the stuff camp doing about the...

No, we're going to get to that now, mate.What's your take on it, fair and neutral?

Shouldn't be a handball, no?It should, according to the rules, the goal was perfectly legitimate.And I think fans are being changed and tweaked, you know, and it's hard to keep up.A wee bit we're saying about the Nations League, how does that work?The rules, it just, I don't know what's happened to them now, but you've got to go by the law, saying that if it's the player, only if the player handles it for himself, if you like.Now it was definitely an accidental, that word's imperative in all this, right?

So it was an accidental, the boy was halfway down, but they say that any handball in the box is going to now be given, right?But, if it's in terms of that instant, because it was a teammate who ultimately scored, then according to the rules, and it still looks bonkers, but according to the rules, it's a goal.

That shouldn't be given.

Bobby Madden's came out and said for UEFA rules it shouldn't be allowed but Scottish rules with Willie Cobham.

But what I would say is how can Falkirk's goal be disallowed?

And he said it was two different incidents.

It's no, it's no.Willie's for me wrong at that.

And the only thing Willie's got to be consistent with now is a lot of fans are saying this.You know, if it was a Motherwell St Mirren game and so on, I want Wally to come out straight away as well.There's always a feeling that it's only Celtic or Rangers that are ever going to, you know, bow to the masses.

That's the handball, I do.I know it's accidental, but when you're handballing a ball and it's set and summed up to score, that cannae be good.

he rolled it to him or he chucked, it was an accidental, so they've obviously gone with that as the rule.

Nah, for me that shouldn't be standing.

So Scottish rules are different from UEFA rules?

Well, I don't know, they must be.

Wally Collins came out and he's defended the referee, he said the reason why.And what Bobby's doing?done, obviously, the video.

And what Bobby's done with his Instagram and that and all that.

Good, innit?I'd love Bobby Owen.Again, I know this is a key word when it comes to decision, but it's consistency.For me, that cannae happen one week and then the next week is a completely different outcome.Because I can put a disagreement, Wally, I don't think they're different at all.You know what?

I actually think the boy at Falkirk's, aye, the boy for Falkirk, I think that's that probably should stand compared to Who's but they both should ultimately end in the same result if that makes sense.

I'm just glad it didn't happen in a game that was tight and a game that was a much bigger game.I know you're right because the bottom line is they might have had the woodwork, was it five times in total but nobody could suggest that Dundee United were in any danger of getting the three points.Celtic were I thought pretty good but again when something like that happens in a really big game, a high profile game, a crucial game, Then bedlam, bedlam, bedlam.

You think Duran's going to be a better singer than who?I don't know, I've shat, innit?

I just absolutely love Duran, mate.

Are you going to say what you said in the car?

Go on, say it.I won't say it if you don't say it, so I need the opportunity.Lock the treble up.They are just...

What are you basing that on, sorry?

Their recruitment and their look.I look much better.

That's a valid point, you look at the recruitment, nobody can touch them.But Rangers have spent more money on them Tim, so how can they not touch them?

Seriously?I think so, since the Americans came in.Since the Americans came in.

But the quality of players they've brought in compared to Sedgwick.So you think Treble's done?My first thing was the league's done, but you then went and asked me about Treble and then again, of course Rangers get a home tie against it, of course they get the home tie, but I still fancy Celtic today and I just think there'll be levels above.Again, I say it, they still need to do business defensively.Even after Hassan's 20 minutes?

Oh for fuck's sake.That's not the same bloke.

He's obviously a good bloke.I'm only getting there on it.It's one of the ones, sometimes you come on and you just kind of get going.But Bauer, he'll start.Bauer will be good on it.So is he the team that battered...

No, no, no.Don't do this as if you're trying to play.The team that battered Hearts, who you praised, they finished behind, leading up to Celtic last.Last one in the league.

It's not an easy game.

No, it's not an easy game.

Not at all.It'll be a difficulty, but...As far as Champions League play -off round qualifiers go, it's not a difficult draw either.Keep in mind who we're seeing that Hearts are playing in the Europa League and then the Conference League.And who Motherwell are playing in the Conference League.They're playing Freiburg, Benfica, Rapid Vienna.

Still to have Lask.

You can't say it's a hard draw.It is a tough draw.You spent time at Almaty last year.We're not going back to last year.

We're talking about this season and Lask.Do you know who Lasky's big signing was this summer?Miguel Frecote for Sint Maarten.That was the big signing this summer.That's who they paid the most money for this summer.So don't sit and tell me it's a difficult draw for Celtic.

I'm telling you right now that they won that league.We've seen what that team who finished below them in the league, what they've done to hearts.They've won the Austrian League so they ain't no mugs and you've painted it out to everybody in this country that they are and the pressure's on Celtic now.But I fancy Celtic today but it won't be an easy game.So, agreed.

It won't be an easy game but Celtic should win and if Celtic don't get through, it's a shocker.It's a shocker.No one fucking bothers Rangers getting beat with Jagger, no.Shocker as well, 100%.

They're meant to be.You'll know she'd be defending Rangers for that.When Hibs get beat, you done a crisis video for the whole country.I didn't see the same video for when Rangers get beat with Jaggerlonia.I didn't see the same video, but the Hibs fans had to suffer.The whole country...

I don't have a go.at Rangers if they get beaten in Europe.

I'm in awe of you right now.

I'm in awe of you right now.Aye, my fucking cojone son.You need your hole.

Rangers' Jaguar loan is a really poor result, really poor result.But I just don't see the same...Aye, aye.By the way, I think there's more.

I think grim though in general terms you're getting that worked up about European ties at this stage.It used to be once upon a time a generation or two ago if you weren't getting into the quarter finals.

That's where it all comes fae.

Does Clotty just power start?Aye he comes in and I'm sure...

You'll now go to the gimpy Paul Slane lovers man on the comments, Paul was fucking down yeah.Fucking hell.Aye, keep them coming.Keep them coming.Anything else you want to say?

Anything else you want to fucking go?Mate, you're on one, come on.

Don't stop.This is the Paul Schlein I love.I know it is.

See when you don't just sit and ask questions.No, no, but you won't love it because see when it keeps happening every week and the twos are getting fucking tied up every week, you ain't going to fucking enjoy that.I've only had a read up to see it.Bauer comes in because I read something and it could be wrong, but I think the Ox is suspended or he cannae play.The Ox?Oxlade -Chamberlain.

I thought Oxlade -Chamberlain was good.I thought he was alright.

Nah, I didn't think he was great.I think Bauer will come in, he'll start, and it'll be the rest.Tierney will come in for skills, sorry, and then it'll be the same.Didn't the main skills left back?It was alright, didn't it?

Last question on the recruitment.Are you surprised that Engles went to the English Championship?Do you think you could have went higher?

Aye.I mean he was going to the Premier League in January there, I was going to ask you this, it's still 22 million though isn't it?It's a good deal.Regardless of the Championship or Premier League, they'd be concentrating on you.

That was Chris's point last week and you're right but again the wife up by us now and you're even saying does he even know he's in a Championship, does he know the name of the club, did he justsee how much they're paying him every week?It all boils down to pounds, shillings and pence nowadays, you know?

You'd imagine though that that's almost been West Ham saying, no, it's no, because I'd imagine Celtic have asked the question, can we hold off for two, three weeks, but this season's this week.So you kind of just, plus Celtic turned down more money in January.Now, that ultimately looks like a right idea because England's played at the end of the season played well and they won the league so even if it's £30 million less...

The club's well within the right...And it was wee Fergus McCann, he was desperate to get Phil O'Donnell and it was wanting to pay up in installments and all that, right?And Motherwell stood for him and they said, I think it was at the time we were playing Borussia Dortmund, if you remember that, way back, right?And Motherwell says, look, we've got a lot of big games coming up this year, if you want them you need to pay up and then get the full whack out of wee Fergus so the club's... stand firm, you know?And I think you're right, I think they've done that with Celtic as well.

Obviously Chambers are obviously getting on it but I don't know if that's good enough to come in.

Why are they conceding so many chances?I know they're not conceding goals but Kilmarnock had three good chances early on, Dunne United hit the bar four times.Is it personnel?

Have you seen the style change this season?I know there's better quality so you're going to see better in the attacking areas but have you seen, obviously last season we weren't impressed, have you seen anything change for your style point of view?

Well I think they've got Hound now that can go more direct on a high -pressor haven't they?

You've changed the pronunciation of his name three times in the last five minutes I still think they're great at playing out through a press I think they'd still get caught playing out but what they have now got is when teams dare to get the ball and they can get a wicket I just think traditionally and I say this as a Murdoch fan when you saw the great Celtic teams running out the tunnel at Third Park I think you've always got to think we need to have a go because their defenders were never as great as their attackers whether it waswas a Larson or a Samaras, Sutton, all these boys, it was always all sorts.

Is it too early to make a call for the quarter final?Yeah, because the Yank Rangers will get better from now till then.I still think Celtic are favourites aye.

Obviously Rangers could be better there's no doubt.

There's a great point you made earlier about Hamden.We've got a much better chance obviously.

If not Alistair Johnson, a big one for me is Cameron Carter -Vickers.I think if Cameron Carter -Vickers is to get injured again this season, I think Celtic are just a completely different team.

Is the quarter -final, will that be the first all -time game?

Aye, and then it's Celtic part of the week after, so two weeks back to back.Will you be there Paul?Will you be one of the few?F***ing course he'll know.I'll be there, unless you want to do a live for it?

No.Bit of a needle in the back don't it?

No, I would rather go to the game.Are you going to the game?Aye, and you'll know.I'll be going, I'll be there.Okay.

Anything else on that?No, no, I just don't want to go too much, you know.Because I feel that I could, but...How are you feeling right now after that?Good.Top of the world.

By the way, the Mulholland Flying Bird game's just about to kick off, boys, alright?Is that what you think?Did I tie you up?Is that what you think, aye?That was a fucking spanking.Amazing.

See, you said that with real feeling without having to raise your voice.That could be a new style for you.Just very underplayed.

That was good.That was.Great to watch you there, mate.Who watched the game Friday night?What a game they ushered Arby.Brilliant game of football, innit?

Come on, Arik, does he have to win Jink Andy?

Off the basis of the second half, probably aye.But I thought Ayr were certainly the better side the first 30 minutes.But I thought Ayr were decent.Blue Reece Lyon captain in the middle of the pitch for Ayr was excellent.Pitch magnificent.It was so much better, didn't it?

So much better.

The pitch, I hated the Kilmarnock pitch and I'm old enough to remember they used to give a prize out every year back in the day for the bestplaying surface in Scotland.Cully won it year after year after year.It was magnificent and then to see what they ended up putting down there.But look, great the other night and the best thing about it, what was it, 12, 12 and a half thousand?

Amazing.

You know, it's a brilliant fixture that, you know, and it's two big fat batons.As a mother will find it, you know, it breaks your heart to see you'll get the buses leaving Kilmarnock and they're going to Ibrox and Parkage, you know.That's the way it goes, but if they two clubs, and I write fancier under Gary Naismith and everyone's clicking into place at Air United, all the stuff they're doing behind the scenes, you know, and that's a big fit by Toon, I would have a couple of quid on them for the league this year.

The best thing about it was...

McCann.He's a hero, by the way.He doesn't hit any...He's done it to Gordon Dunn a few times, hasn't he?Pulled him up for questions.I think it's...

Was it the first question he asked?I don't think it was the first question.

Well, I actually don't...I actually think Neil McCann is wrong with it, but it's just so funny the way he is in it, Neil McCann.

So Jonathan Sunderland says to him, you're concerned that you're conceding so many goals.

He's so naked.But it came off the back of a positive question.Saying how good they are.I couldn't believe how angry he got.But I think it's funny.See, regardless of...

Obviously, whatever way you incline, he's in neutral for Scottish football.Come on, it'd be brilliant to watch this.I enjoyed watching them.

Good on Jonners for asking the question, because they two, they've worked together in the BBC for years.It'd been dead easy for Jonathan to soft -soap him.Because I must be honest, I'm no on Twitter, but I got my wife to respond to something that I'd read.I scroll through it, but it's poison mainly.But I got my wife to reply to the wee Club TV thing at Motherwell yesterday, because with the best will in the world, that was Stenhousemuir.That was awful, right?

That was torture.And there wasnae one hard question for the guy doing it.To the Motherwell manager?The questions that all the Motherwell fans would have wanted asked.All the comments that were below for all the Motherwell fans.It was nothing like that.

It was all trying to get a positive out of everything.but we'll get a big, we'll be up for it though on Thursday won't we?We've got a great European getting inked at, but what about that?Are you going to say to him, Alfred, it's clear the young guy's maybe only good enough, are you going to have money to spend?We brought in, there was nothing like that.And sometimes club TV, I think in general terms, all the boys that watch themselves, it gets a wee bit too diluted.

Have you worked on McCann or BBC?I've worked with the ball in the past, but aye, I like Neil, I think he's one of the better pundits.I think he speaks his mind.And him and Dodds, I mean, I don't know what photos they've got of the bosses of the BBC, but any time they're out there, what a way to go through your life, knock a faggot's jaw up to you and back into the BBC, they'll elbow something else, but no, I think the two of them are really good on the radio, and Awkwee Billy's great, I've known Billy for years, but it's good to see them.Again, it goes back to what I say, boys like that, they do not, they cannae resist the lure of football, and even look at Ali McCoyst, But the minute the FITBA came calling he went back and now he's gone back the other way again and a way up again but it's just that, I mean as I say I've never played football.

You know what it's like being involved on a Saturday?Aye.

Aye you know about that?

Aye I'm not to be honest.

But I think it's because you're still busy and you're still watching loads of FITBA and you still feel involved anyway, you're talking about it so naw.

Remember Neil McCann's interview with, in the summer, with Inglis?Oh, Tom Inglis, that was brilliant.

You talked about that on Saturday, wouldn't you?Aye, that was brilliant.That was brilliant.That was proper good.That was a proper good one.

I never knew they two drove home the same motor that night.They shared a pint with each other.

Tom Inglis, checking if you're alright or you fell out on him.That's what he's like.How many times has that happened in front of you?You hear managers around, ding dong, but I know he came into my office after it with a can of beer.That's the way it should be.Did you have a hen out of you that never went well, Tom?

Yes.When we had Pat Kane on from Hugh and Cry, he was on the same show as...at the time, the Scottish Conservative leader, Ruth Davidson.And let's just say their politics are miles apart, Pat Kane and Ruth Davidson, right?And it was horrible.It was the only time I didn't like the atmosphere in the studio.

Pat, throughout the entire two -hour show, she spoke, he'd go a little shaky seated and all that, and it was horrible, right?And what was really horrible about it, because at the end, when we got the wee Team 40 that they put up online or whatever, The four of us were stood there, me and Stuart, the bookends, Pat and Ruth, and then for maximum effect, just before I walked to it, it says, oh, I can't do this, just for maximum effect, right?And I felt the fear you'd want to hear, and it was like, Stuart described it, he says, that was like a fight in a family home at New Year, and everybody's all a bit awkward after that, you know what I mean?So, Pat went away, and I thought, oh, fucking hell, man, that was horrible.Now I grew up in the shadow of Ravenscraig Steelworks.I was probably meant to be beasting into Ruth myself, but it was just manners, decency.

Watching all the shite Saturday night telly, but it's fucking plain in my head and a wee glass of wine.As I went to contact her, I said, was that a spin doctor or Holyrood or what?She said, no, she used to work in here, mind.And she did.She was a journalist.She did Good Morning Scotland for years.

So Stevie says, I had her number.I says, go on, send it to me.So he did.And I sent, uh, I says Ruth, hi it's Tam Cowen, I just want to apologise on behalf of me and Stuart, that was horrible the day, it never ever happens on the show, so just an apology, you're welcome back any time, da da da da da.And I thought, I'll never hear anything else about that, you know.30 seconds later, ping, and a wee message, and she said, Tam, I can assure you, in my political career I've dealt with much bigger dicks than that.

And that's all she said, and I thought, well she would have in politics, she got all the abuse, you know.But you know what annoyed me about it?Part, nobody turns up for her show, it's normallyguests, nobody turns up without knowing who else is on.So that week Pat would have known, by the way it's Ruth Davidson, the Scottish Conservative leader.Oh is it?

He could have bowed out then if he didn't want to have anything to do with her.But, Pat knew that he was coming on a show that thankfully has got a really big audience, we're on BBC Radio, Pat had a tour and a CD to promote, that's why he was in the studio.No doubt.

Mark Keighley was?Aw fuck, he wouldn't have told us anything, man.Surprised he told us his name.Remember the...What's the worst you've done?

I don't mean both of my...

That's not what I...Just get him sent to read it in his book.We're going to have to read it in the book.

It's a funny thing, there's some when you get ex -players, my heart sinks if you're at an event and maybe the player that's also there if I'm doing a turn and they say, oh he's doing a Q &A.because see some of them, they're the worst.See if you've got one guy and you're like, what do you think about the VA Army?

Oh for fuck's sake, you know.

If you get guys that are up for it, some of them are very good at the Q &As, but it's the guys that are telling all the stories, the sort of stories you want to have boys when they come on here.You don't want to, you know, what about Infantino, should he?And you're like, oh, you know.

But you know what I mean?

Who the fuck cares about that?I mean, don't get me wrong, a lot of guys deserve to make money from Q &A's because they've had the career it merits it and they're up there and when you get proper guys doing it you can hear a pin drop guys that have you know the late great Kevin Keegan I worked with him up there a few times and he was the best he didn't do the Q &A he went up and did his own thing He had a wee clicker on the screen and all that, right?And he was magnificent.And the nice thing is you always remember how somebody was.At every gig I did with Kevin Keegan, he was the last guy out there.He was magnificent.

What a loss.A lovely, lovely guy.When I heard that he'd passed away, I didn't think what he was like at Liverpool or the goals.I just thought he was the man.He was outstanding, a class act.

Right boys, we've given him a bit of stick so we need to give him a bit of praise.Great result for Aberdeen at Patorda and much needed for Steven Robertson wasn't it?

Aye.

Deserved as well, looked like he created a lot of chances.

The first half as well, I actually thought the first half was pretty balanced.I thought Dundee probably had the better of the game, Aberdeen definitely had the better of the chances and they've three goals in the space of 25 minutes or whatever it was.But three goals are brilliant goals.And the highlight of the game?The Rabona for the goal.How good is that?

What about how far he gets?What a fucking hero man. I couldn't have kicked it that far could you?

0 -0 at that point.

What has he done?I thought Rabona was Spanish for a hard one.

I've got to be honest with you.

What was the score when he did it?0 -0.Right, we brought this up.My head's been up my arse with the fringe and all that.So I just saw somebody had recorded that after their telly and put the clip up so it wasn't the best quality that I saw.But I was assuming I mean Aberdeen are in a f*****g position to showboat just yet.

So I thought it must have been 3 -0 when they tried.So 0 -0.

0 -0 aye, first half.Wow.Who impressed you for Aberdeen?

Nisbet, Nisbet's back.You get him in the Scotland squad?Now there's no managers that win that could maybe get Leach Hans back in.100 % aye, definitely.

He's looking fit, ain't he?It's actually good competition for strikers though, isn't it?The boy yours got to win, you're getting a £9 million move to Seville.

Can you just talk to me?Was he taught when he was young?He played the Enston Rangers B!

He played the Enston four times!That season!Do you remember?Do you know what I'm saying?He was my favourite player in that Rangers B team.

I went to watch the game, he's played them at Dumbarton, mate.He scored a couple of that, didn't he?I've seen the boy, the new signing for Aberdeen, the striker, he was only in a week.His goal was a joke.What a finish that is, mate.Sorry.

All of a sudden he puts the pass and lets it run across his body.I love his little overs for the third goal as well.How many strikes did I try to take that and I swivelled off the pad?idea.When a player goes down, there's no contact, there's no DNA of you.And then you're straight away, it's that wave to the bench.

How long was that sort of injury?

Nine months at least.Aberdeen need to keep that up now though.It cannae be another season, but it's there, then like we've seen last week, it cannae be like that.As I say, too big a club, need to keep performances up.

Who did they get in the draw?Kelly.He done well at Motherwell, didn't he?Steve Norman's a wee big fan.Okay, huge fan, aye.And he deserved that.

I mean, he didn't have any money or anything to spend at Motherwell.When any guy does well at Murrell, you're always inquisitive, wondering what he'd be like at a club at the bottom of the money and he's certainly getting back to be Dave Cormack, there's no doubt about that.So aye, good luck to him.I don't know why any of them, you know, he got us into the two finals in that one season of course, which was magnificent for Murrell.Sadly, it was a great Celtic team that we played in both, so it was a big, big ask that.But aye, Stevie Robinson, I really like him.

Spend a bit of time with him.No it was good, only maybe wee fan Q &A nights, he was always the first to say whenever you need me.So we did normally in my little year, we did a couple in for example the New Century, the pub up at the top end of the town and Stephen was always the first to turn up.And it's great like that because let's be brutally honest, you can get some fan events and the folk at the club puts up a couple of reserves, a couple of youths or something, you know what I mean?So Murrell as a club have been good for that, at fan stuff.You'd always get the captain, the manager and a couple of players.

You could ask, you could say, what four foot do you want Tom?Because you knew it was a fan event and they would turn up.And again when you hear, because Murrell fans buy it, that's what I always love, Murrell fans buying large fans of any club.You don't ever hear your manager, your captain talking when it's the and of you, right?They're straight -laced and of you.So when you get them in that environment,

it's brilliant if fans lap it up.Brilliant.

Hearts and Hibs through?Both through.I mean Hearts.Hearts are good.They're looking outstanding, aren't they?Right, going forward.

Howie Winger's a good player.Is it something Jota?Kill Jota?He played away last year.Was he there last year?Didn't he play?

Probably see though Calvin Miller.How well's he doing as well?Andy, you coached him.Who was the three you coached in the summer?

Kevin Miller, Kyle Glasgow, James Penrys.

Brilliant.They're all flying.What about Inverness's two goals?It's the boys' pass for the second, it's unbelievable by the way.It really was.Hibs on the other hand, I don't want to be negative, they went through it, so brilliant.

But how's that not a penalty?Oh it's a penalty, that's a penalty.How's it not been given?

No, it has been given and they've overruled it, that's what I find mad.And he actually, for me, he does move, it's not a lot obviously, but he does move towards it.

But do you know what, you see what I'm saying, I hate questions about VR, so we'll keep this dead, dead, dead short, but what's your general yes or no to VR?Nah, I get it.But it's not going to happen, isn't it, it's here to stay.

I know you said short, well there you go, I'd keep it for offside.Right, aye.

See, I went to a couple of games, I'll sometimes go to some DAF games and I'll was that last year I went down, it was quite a tasty game, I kind of made it work too, it was Morton against Partick Thistle and I've got a pal down in Greenwich that says, oh come on, it's Monday, Friday night, sports scene games.So I went down there and it was only when I was coming back up the road that I thought I really, really enjoyed that and I realised that one of the reasons that there was no VAR, it just let an old game, it just fucking cracked.

I think they've got a chance, I think they've got a chance but Rapid Vienna, like I don't know, I couldn't tell you how they've done in recent years.

How do you not think so?Well, Hibs struggled against much less opposition than Gent, didn't they?

No, I mean it's all their own hearts.He's a big fan of hearts, isn't he?

I know, and the battering for Benfica 6 -1, I don't know if that plays a part in that.I know, but do Benfica rest players, I take it?

I think they are.

to get better Hearts but I think he'll be more concentrated.

I think they need a striker.I'm not sure about the boy in Bassie, if that's how you pronounce it, that's came in.I wasn't a big fan of Cabori last year either.I'll go for Braga again.

Do you know the exciting things with Hearts?I mean the league within 10 years.I know it was an absolute night and that guy rarely gets anything wrong That's a great time, I said that last year as well And also good, he's put Jim Moulson in the Spurs Three seasons ago or something, was it longer?Yeah Right and he was just a wee flippy a lad What do you think for Hibs and Harts in Europe?

I'm going to both go through He's getting Scottish fans on the side of the day, I know exactly where his head's at I love where your head's at mate You're going to be heralded as a hero on this show this week I ain't fucking daft, I'm both out Both out?

I actually generally think they'll be close, but I think they'll both go out.

Tab, any idea?

No, cos I don't know what the opponents are like.I don't just give opinions.It's no looking good.It's no looking good.

We've put ourselves out there for...

You'll have heard me saying this before, I only watch European football if there's a Scottish interest.I'm on all the teams.I reserve the right to always take the piss out of clubs.Rangers, Celtic, Hearts, any club, right?But see when they're in Europe, they're the nights you go out with your pals, you watch it in the...The club lay on us.

Who gives a fuck?

Do you know what I mean?

I know there are folk, and you'll have loads of them tuning into you boys, right, who are analytical with all that and they would never miss a game.If there's any game on in the pub, they're glued to it, but I need a wee bit of Scottish interest.

What's your favourite ever joke, Tim?

You got one?My favourite ever joke?I was asked this on another podcast recently.I was put on the spot, right?and works at the pub and told jokes.I'm not saying I made this up, it's just a favourite joke.

that I would have heard in a pub or whatever.It's a Yorkshire couple going to Spain for their holidays, you know, and they're in their wee apartment and they're unpacking everything, the tea bags, the digestive biscuits and that, it's the old jeans day when they go abroad, you know, and the woman says, so he gets there and the chap's in the door and the boy answers and says, hast thou any bestow?The guy says, fuck off, you Spanish shit.It's a cracker, isn't it?How do you...Cannae tell that on the radio.

So see, for like the fringe shows, when you're touring, how do you plan your gigs?

Through the early sefton, then first ten minutes will be taking the piss out of me, and mother will... before anybody else can do it, right?So Stenhouse, I meant that earlier.The only good I'll take, two bits of good I'll take out.If we got a wee reaction on Thursday night, brilliant.But the other bit is for my show the day.And even when I was seeing it, and it's the last few minutes and I'm on my phone.

So that's the way you've got to do it.And any topical stuff that happens when you're in front of an audience, because what I've said for years, and it's true, everybody will tell you it's in my game.A really topical joke, you could get a guy that's a spitting image of Dick Advocate and then that just takes you down a...I would go back to that era at Rangers and there's always a couple of stories about some of the players for that time or whatever, you know?And that's that, so it's no...It's just...

I don't know.

Stan Collie, it must be the hardest job in the world.Aye.How was Si when he came on your show?Was it Blackfriars?Si was very good.

That was good, wasn't it?I enjoyed that.He was brilliant, aye.You need the warmth of the audience.Whether it's a football person, Or somebody that's got an audience, I know you've got an audience through the football, but with dancing and that sort of thing.There's always a wee war on folk, you can tell they're on your side right away.

Mate, that's the most nervous I've ever been for a show.More nervous than I had then.

You said that to me aye.I was fucking shitting myself, I don't know why.You know you've got the battery as well.Look at the time, you never tell me that, boys.Hello?I'm sitting in this thing with the bloody...

I had no track of the time there.Right, OK.

Right, I'll phone over now.

Right, OK, right, OK, bye.No, that was...How long's this been going on?12 o 'clock.I need to get going.I was meant to be taking my last seat of the school, right?

How long have we been doing this?Look at that!

We'll just send it out.