SCOTUS Torches Trump's Tariffs, Iran War Looms & MAGA Co-opts Team USA Hockey Win | The Daily Show

Welcome to The Daily Show. My God! I'm Jon Stewart. We have got a phenomenal show for you tonight. Author, professor Michelle Dickerson is going to be our guest tonight.

Very delighted to have her on the show.

Uh... -♪♪

But first, let me give it up for the staff and crew who were able to make it in here tonight...

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...to put on a program and, and, I'm not going to forget you guys, and our audience.

Made it out tonight.

Clearly our audience tonight have gone the wrong way on the decision tree. Delighted they're here. Should we risk life and limb to see a show we could see on TV in just a few hours? In our homes? Why not go out this hip-breaking weather? You

know, I don't know if you guys in the audience noticed, but it's snowy outside. Bad out there. I mean, this blizzard made it nearly impossible for even weather people to take selfies. Or even be seen. Hello? I mean, when the plows get stuck. The plow got stuck.

That's, you know, I commute this way. This is how I always commute Tauntaun. By the way, under Zoran Mamdani, tauntauns are free.

The rides are free.

And we have a fresh layer of two feet to cover all the tauntaun shit in the streets. We were this close in New York City to having the snow and the dog shit gone. Like this close. And then God was like, you know what New York City needs? A little layer to cover the dog shit. But let's get to the big news of the week. As you know, tomorrow night is President Donald Jar Jar Trump's big State of the Union speech. But no matter what Trump says, folks, it's not going to change how we in this country are feeling.

This country is in such emotional turmoil right now. The government sanctioned and executed violence in Minnesota. The rank corruption and profiteering of elected officials and their families. The manufactured outrage over, God forbid, an American performing at halftime in the Super Bowl in Spanish. It's a feeling that we are one nation divided under siege.

Perhaps we've crossed a Rubicon of this great American experiment, and that we slowly and inexorably are sliding into the abyss of fallen and broken democracies. But then... for the United States. Oh! What? We're back, mother-fucker! I know the powerful elites remain unaccountable, but he put the thing behind that other guy. This country was sinking into us, that's all we't recover from, but the vulcanized rubber disc went past the Lord of the Net.

It was so unifying. There is nothing that can take away from the joyous moment as all Americans celebrate this incredible... Wait, what the f***? Is that FBI Director Kash Patel? Why is our FBI Director...

And why are they putting a medal around the neck of FBI Director... Is Kash Patel a make-a-wish? Man, kid, is that what this is? How did... why is that? I mean, listen, I'm not trying to diminish his condition. Listen. Listen. There is currently no cure for crazy eyes.

Crazy eyes. Crazy eyes. For when you want to turn every picture into some sort of meth-fueled mugshot. Are you telling me I was going 90 in a 35? But I gotta tell you, MAGA especially is going crazy for the victory.

American pride, power, and patriotism on full display.

This is time for America, not you whining little clowns.

Masculinity and celebration, these are things that have been completely and totally sanitized from our arch-feminist culture, our estrogenetic culture.

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First of all, what a super weird year hockey is having.

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Like, I just... In four months, to go from nobody gives a shit about hockey to, well, I like to watch them f***, to only hockey can save us from a dystopian, extra genetic future. Perhaps the strangest part is how this victory in a hockey match is being perceived on the right geopolitically.

You gotta go all the way back to 1980 when we defeated the Soviets. This felt just as sweet because I guess since we don't have Russia to kick around anymore, Canada will do.

They're practically communist and they're cozying up to the Chinese.

Yeah! Hockey is all that they have.

And we took that away.

That's all they got.

What's with the sore winning? Why are we such dicks? And by the way, don't we in America have enough real enemies? Now we gotta pretend like Canada's way of life is incongruous to the West? Yeah, f*** those completely best neighbors our nation has ever had.

I think we had like a little fight about beaver pelts in like 1789. Since then, smooth sailing. But for more on Team USA's victory over Canada and what it means, we go live to Desi Lydic! Desi...

Desi, this victory is great. Great victory. But they're making this thing out to be some kind of miracle on ice.

Yeah, because it is! Woo! We did it, John! USA! USA! Canada got knucked in the face by the red, white, and blue. Woo!

Yeah, no, it certainly was a great victory for the US hockey team. No doubt. It was...

Yeah, but not just the hockey team, John. -♪♪ It's not a hockey term, so... Offsides. Get the rebound.

Okay, whatever. Look... I just don't know if our political systems are really all that different from Canada's.

What? Are you kidding me? Our democracy separates executive power from the legislature with a president appointed by an electoral college, while their democracy appoints an executive based on the outcome of which governing party

has the majority. And as we learned on the ice yesterday, that system sucks!

The systems seem actually pretty similar. I mean, don't both the U.S. and Canada bicameral legislatures?

Yes, but American senators are elected while Canadian senators are appointed, just like how Canada got appointed to our nuts, bitch!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

That kind of came out of... came out of nowhere. Comprehensive and filthy, Desi.

Aw, thank you. Here's another. In America, we have electoral districts that in Canada, they call their districts ridings. Which is fitting because Team Canada was riding our nuts, bitch!

Please stop saying nuts.

I will not.

I will not. And by the way, another reason we're better, America's Congress has a sergeant at arms, but the Canadian Parliament has an usher of the black rod. And speaking of ushering a black rod.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Deji, no.

Yeah, yeah, I didn't like where that was going.

Yeah.

Same way the Canadians didn't like

where my nuts were going, boo!

Come on. All right, all right.

Just don't encourage her.

She's not going to do it. Woo! Woo! Woo!

The cold weather has changed them. Look, look, the game didn't change the fact that Canadians still have a better health care system than we did.

Yes, okay. I thought so too until I saw the scoreboard for Profit Healthcare 1, Universal Canadian Health Care 0. USA!

USA!

No, but Desi, that wasn't even the final score.

What was the final score? Did you even watch the game I watched these no no I did not watch the game so why are you celebrating in the team's locker room oh I'm not Milan I'm at a planet fitness my god anything to get away from my family on a snow day. Please. Desi Lydic, everybody. All right.

There you go. Killed it.

So there you have it, folks. We have defeated our new enemy, Canada, on the ice and vanquished them to the penalty box of history. Now America can live in a golden era of peace and prosperity.

The United States could be on the brink of war with Iran.

What the... They don't even skate. What possible conflict could we have with people in street shoes? Is this real?

The drumbeat of a possible war with Iran growing louder.

The largest assembly of US forces in the Middle East that we've seen in years.

One report is saying we are days away from strikes.

Days away from war. Usually when we get in a war in the Middle East, there's a Marty Supreme-level press rollout. Months and months of endless promotion, interviews, manufactured intelligence. They got weapons of mass destruction.

Schwap.

Until finally, we acquiesce to the war, just in the hopes that the selling of it will stop, because it seems vaguely charming. But this war, one day it's nothing, and the next day we filled their waterway with giant ships.

Why? What's the urgency?

Special Envoy Steve Whitkoff has this warning about Iran's nuclear power. They're probably a week away from having, uh, industrial,

uh, uh, industrial-grade, uh, bomb-making material.

Oh, my God. An atomic bomb by Monday?

Oh, shit.

When was this interview taped? Do they already have the bomb? Is it five business days to the bomb? Do Muslims get weekends? Do they work through? I got to say, a week away from having the material

for a nuclear bomb, I'm a little surprised to hear that. You know, I thought I remembered someone saying something about that nation's nuclear program being... have been completely and totally obliterated. What? What?

What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? and yelling at people who questioned it. Which makes me wonder, how obliterated was it?

It was obliterated like nobody's ever seen before.

So the kind of obliteration that somehow re-obliterates? Almost immediately? Yes, no one has ever seen that before. We obliterated that building. The building we are currently standing on? Yes, that is correct. So is our plan now to re-obliterate their nuclear program every few months?

Or is there a longer-term strategy? Taking the armada to offshore Iran is to put pressure on Iran, first and foremost, to come to the table to negotiate

around nuclear weapons.

Oh, I see. The old carrot and stick. Our peace through strength will force Iran to make, let's call it, an Iran nuclear deal. I think I remember that phrase from when we made a nuclear deal with Iran.

What ever happened to that?

I am announcing today that the United States will withdraw from the Iran nuclear deal.

Oh right, Trump obliterated it. So just to be clear, Donald Trump is on the brink of war with Iran to either obliterate the program Trump had previously obliterated or to force them into signing a deal like the one Trump had pulled out of. It's all in chapter nine of Art of the Deal, eating your own asshole.

You're own. You're own. You're own.

USA. USA. USA.

Is that how Hitler started? USA, USA, USA. USA, USA, USA. USA, USA, USA. USA, USA, USA. USA, USA, USA.

Is that how Hitler started? It was USA, and suddenly people were just like, USA, USA. But obviously there is no more solemn response. I segue into more serious. But obviously, there is no more solemn responsibility for the President of the United States than the decision he makes to put Americans in harm's way through armed conflict.

So as the President recently took to the podium, this burden of history, clearly heavily weighing

on his soul.

I made a speech at a factory. They made steel products. And I said, uh, how are you? Nice to meet you. How's business? President, I'd love to kiss you.

This is a very powerful man. I don't want to be kissed by that man.

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-♪♪ You can always tell when a story is true, when it contains a character who refers to Trump as, quote, President. Just President. Not President Trump, not Mr. President, just President. But I'm sorry, I interrupted your story, President. What else did this very real person say to you?

He said, sir, I want to kiss you so badly. And I said, no, thank you.

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Yes, yes, all the steelworkers want to kiss you and your unbelievably f***able tariffs. We'll read all about it in the official history of your presidency, team of heated rivals. As America stands on the precipice of armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump is single-mindedly focused on preserving his wildly unpopular tariffs. the precipice of armed conflict with Iran, Donald Trump is single-mindedly focused on preserving his wildly unpopular tariffs.

That somebody finally had the balls to say were illegal.

After months of anticipation, the Supreme Court today ruling that the President Trump's sweeping tariffs imposed under the International Emergency Economic Powers Act are unconstitutional.

Wow. Wow.

A court composed mostly of his own party's appointees has struck down the constitutionality

of Trump's go-it-alone tariff regime. That's bound to cause him some introspection. They're just being fools and lapdogs for the rhinos. They also are a, frankly, disgrace to our nation, those justices. They're very unpatriotic and disloyal to our Constitution. I think it's an embarrassment to their families,

if you want to know the truth.

When a guy who had sex with a porn star right after his wife had given birth tells you you're an embarrassment to your family, I think you have to take that seriously. But the Supreme Court didn't come to this decision rashly.

The Supreme Court took months to make this decision. They had oral arguments back in November.

They took 10 months working through all the phony legal issues associated with this case,

trying to thread some type of needle.

Lots of nuanced legal issues that the court has to thoroughly consider.

The court put in the work! That's why this decision will stand the test of...

President Trump doubling down on his trade policy, saying that he will raise global tariffs

to 15%.

Motherf**ker!

We had him! We had him!

We had him!

He always gets away, like the Road Runner. We got you! Meep meep!

Pew!

It's so dispiriting. You know what we need? We need one of them stuffed comfort monkeys that poor Punch has.

Awww.

Poor Punch.

Although...

and no disrespect... but clearly there is probably something wrong with that f***ing

monkey.

I don't, please, I say this. Hear me out. I understand, and it's adorable. And he's breaking my heart. But that being said, who are we to question the wisdom of the tribe? No, I'm just saying, they're the ones that know him best.

They've decided he's problematic. What the f***? Oh, you know better. You know monkeys better than the monkeys. Is that it? All the little monkey experts all decided in the middle of a blizzard to come here tonight Let me who are we to question

Their lived experience

For our power social attack. I mean look, they decided, the mom, the elders, the juniors, even that f***ing stuffed monkey looks like, hey I don't want to be here. I could be living the life of Riley in a nice bedroom in Westchester. Instead I'm being dragged through the gravel in the middle of Ichikawa. I'm sorry, I'm standing by this. Sometimes it's going to go from funny to mean. That's just what happens.

That's just what happens. And by the way, oh, it's all cute now, but when puberty comes, that is not going to be a happy stuffed monkey. Trust me. Trust me. It's comfort now, but he's wifing it later.

Trust me.

How dare you people substitute your wisdom for those other moms. I was doing this all weekend. My wife's gonna be so mad at me. All weekend I just kept going, but there's gotta be something wrong with the monkey, right? Not funny!

Anyway... The point is, folks... We're on the brink of war with the program. I got to work on the segway. I'm sorry. Okay, we're on the brink of war with Iran. The point is, folks, we're on the brink of war with Iran.

Russia still bombs Ukraine with impunity, and yet Trump is out there kissing dudes over tariffs and saving his most vicious rhetoric for our own Supreme Court. Can the State of the Union get any more surreal?

President Trump mystified a lot of people over the weekend when he announced a US hospital ship was on its way to Greenland.

What? Greenland doesn't need a hospital ship, they've got universal healthcare.

We need a hospital ship!

Where's our hospital ship, they've got universal health care. We need a hospital ship! Where's our hospital ship? Applause But like most things Trump, it's even stupider than that.

Both of the American hospital ships, Mercy and Comfort, are out of commission, under repair. Comfort isn't even in the water.

Look, I'm no expert, but they are supposed to be in the water.

Yes.

What are we doing? We're trolling Denmark. We're going to war with Iran. We're abandoning Ukraine. We're charging everybody 15% more. We're pushing away our closest neighbors, ostracizing ourselves from the entire,

oh my God, we're punch.

Oh.

America has gone from being a shining city on a hill to being the weird, smelly monkey nobody wants to play with. I think that's why they don't want to play with it. I don't know why. But I don't know if you can make a stuffed monkey big enough

But I don't know if you can make a stuffed monkey big enough for all of America