Seth Catches up on 3 Weeks of Insane News; Trump Tells Iran "No More Mr. Nice Guy": A Closer Look

This is usually the part of the show where we would do our recurring segment, a closer look about all the crazy things that are happening in the news, but we just got back from a three-week break, and it turns out nothing happened.

So... instead, we're debuting our new segment, Everything's Great.

-♪♪ Nothing bad can happen, it can only good happen.

-♪♪ It can only good happen. That's right. It's been a quiet three weeks, and nothing really... What's that? Oh, Iran says it's straight to the Hormuz is closed again? Okay. What? Iranian gunboats fired on a tanker? And, sorry, the U.S. seized an Iranian cargo ship,

and Iran is vowing to retaliate? Okay, well, that's just the Middle East, but what? Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi? He posted a meme of himself as Jesus, but then said he thought it was a meme of himself as a doctor? What? He said the Pope is weak on crime? A MAGA podcaster said Trump is under demonic influence.

Pete Hegsteth read a fake Bible verse from Pulp Fiction? What, Kash Patel thought he was fired because he got locked out of his computer, but then it turned out it was just an I.T. problem? What, a FEMA official claims he once teleported to a Waffle House, and when Trump was asked about it,

he said, I don't know anything about teleporting? What, Janie Vance flew to Hungary to campaign for Viktor Orban, who got crushed, then Vance flew to Pakistan to negotiate a peace deal with Iran, then Iran told him to f*** off, then he spoke to an empty arena and got heckled? What? Lindsey Graham was seen at Disney World by himself? And then the animatronic Olaf died?

RFK Jr. cut off a dead raccoon's penis on the side of the road? Then he ate Olaf. What? Kristi Noem's husband has giant fake balloon boobs? What? Trump signed an executive order backing the use of psychedelics? Wait, is that what's going on here?

Are we all on ----ing mushrooms? Is that why I teleported to a Waffle House last night and woke up looking like this? It turns out there's a lot going on. For more on this, it's time for a Closer Look.

♪♪

Well, we're now into week 8 of the war with Iran, and we are still at the mercy of an oatmeal-brained, 79-year-old megalomaniac who, based on his blue hand, has a slow-moving case of violet Beauregard disease. Is that how this ends? He doesn't get impeached? He just blows up

like a giant balloon and gets rolled away by the Oompa Loompas? No one seems to know what's going on or what's going to happen next. By the time this airs, the Strait of Hormuz could be open, it could be closed. At this point, the Strait of Hormuz

has more confusing hours than one of those pop-up restaurants that sell weird new foods for influencers to take pictures of. And you're like, why are people I'll stop by at lunch. And then they're like, it's not open at lunch. In any 24-hour period, anything is possible.

We could have ground troops in Iran. We could have a peace deal. We could have U.S. Navy destroyers firing on Iranian gunboats. Or Trump could be best friends with the Ayatollah. They could be trading insults on social media.

Or they could open a new neighborhood bar called Ayatollah So. This is a reminder as to why the Constitution gives Congress and only Congress the power to declare war. It's supposed to be a sober, deliberative process. The administration is supposed to present a carefully considered strategic plan, and our representatives are supposed to discuss it

and vote on it. The Constitution says Congress shall have the power to declare war. It doesn't say, refresh the President's social media page every 30 seconds to see if he called the Ayatollah a bitch.

That's how we went from this comment on Friday...

Iran has just announced that the Strait of Hormuz is fully open and ready for business.

...to this comment on Sunday.

Confusion around transit in the Strait of Hormuz. Iran said on Saturday the critical waterway was closed again."

-"So, just to be clear, it's not safe right now to go through the Strait of Hormuz, correct?"

-"That is correct."

So it's open and ready for business, but it's not safe to go through. It sounds like you're talking about Waffle House again. I mean, it's open for business, but I wouldn't risk it just for a waffle. So, what's the deal? Is the Strait open or closed? Can someone from the administration please explain?

Is the Strait of Hormuz open or closed right now, Ambassador?

Well, you saw real confusion on the Iranians' part. Regardless, it's the U.S. Navy and President Trump as the commander-in-chief that decides what ultimately comes in and comes out.

-"Trump decide what comes in and what comes out." Sounds like the White House doctor's description of his diet. I advise the president that if he ate more greens, he would spend less time on the toilet, but ultimately, the president decides

what comes in and what comes out. Also, I'm sorry, there's confusion on Iran's part. Then how do you explain this post from our president on Friday? President Trump said on Truth Social that Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. They did? Are you sure you were talking to Iran or did someone from an unknown number message you on WhatsApp claiming to be from Iran? Hello from Iran, cutie. Are you having a good day?

It would be a lot better if you'd open the Strait of Hormuz. If you send me your credit card number, I can make that happen, smiley face. I don't have a credit card, but here's Lindsey Graham's. Thank you, honey. The Strait is open.

Now, do you want to see my big old balloon boobs?" So, three days ago, Trump claimed not only that the street was open, but that it would never close again. Then, on Sunday, he posted this.

-"We are offering a very fair and reasonable deal, and I hope they take it, because if they don't, the United States is going to knock out every single power plant and every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr. Nice Guy."

-"I'm sorry, was there a Mr. Nice Guy before? You might as well have said, no more Mr. Talented Dancer with Normal Hair. So when you said a whole civilization will die tonight, that was you being nice guy? Because you sounded like Bane

after he blows up a football field.

A whole civilization will die tonight, Batman!

Now, many have asked what I've been up to the past three weeks, and the answer is I've been working on my Bane impression. Much like Bane himself, I've been living in a hole in the desert. I forfeited all my material possessions

and ate only gruel. I would wake up at 6 a.m. every day and I would spend 18 hours talking like Bane, and that's why my Bane impression is so f-----g good right now. I only took one day off so I could go to Disney World with Lindsey Graham. It was such a bummer, though.

We tried to go on the It's a Small World ride, but we couldn't because even their Strait of Hormuz is closed. Lindsey was so mad. He was like, you better tell them to open it up or we're going to rain hellfire down on those little animatronic c**ts. And I was like, Lindsey, there are children around.

He was like, I don't give a c**t. It's up to them. Do they want a world of laughter or a world of tears? I'm friends with Bane! Anyway, the point is, how did we get to no more Mr. Nice Guy after days of Trump saying stuff like this?

We have a very good relationship with Iran right now. This will be a great and brilliant day for the world. We had some pretty good news 20 minutes ago, but it seems to be going very well in the Middle East with Iran.

Sir, what was the good news that you had 20 minutes ago?

Having to do with Iran.

Can you tell us anything about what you've...

But you'll hear about it.

What are you going to be talking about?

I just think it's something that should happen. It's something that only makes sense to happen.

And I think it will. We'll see what happens. Stop with all the details! Why are you being so vague? You sound like you're giving us clues on the masked singer. It's someone you know, someone who's been in the news recently, someone who has an exciting new job. That's right, the cat witch is former Attorney General

Pam Bondi.

So we went from good news on Iran to no more Mr. Nice Guy, and in the span of two days, this is like the 37th time it's happened. In fact, Trump keeps calling up reporters and bull-bleeping them about a deal that doesn't exist.

-"I just got off the phone with President Donald Trump. We're traveling with him here in Las Vegas. So I called him and got right to the point, asking if Iran agreed to stop enriching uranium, which is a major sticking point. He told me that they did agree to that. I said, did they stop enriching uranium?

They agreed to that. And he said, they agreed to everything.

Now, if you're thinking to yourself, oh my God, this is amazing. Iran agreed to everything. The war is over. Hello, wake up, wake up. You took too many mushrooms again.

You teleported to Waffle House. Let's go back to the beginning of that clip, because there was a very telling clue this was bullsh-t right at the top.

I just got off the phone with President Donald Trump. We're traveling with him here in Las Vegas.

He was in Vegas. You know what they say. What the president says happened when he's in Vegas didn't sh-t happen. In fact, not only have Trump and Iran not agreed to everything, they haven't even agreed on whether they're trying to agree.

We're hearing about mixed signals, who's negotiating in Pakistan, whether or not the Iranians are even going to go, whether or not the Pakistanis are going to host the talks, whether the talks are even happening.

In fact, here's how much confusion there is. At 9 a.m. today, Trump told the New York Post that Vice President J.D. Vance, Special Envoy Steve Whitkoff, and Advisor Jared Kushner have left the U.S. for Islamabad. They're heading over there now, Trump said. And then two hours later, at 11 a.m., a White House correspondent for CNN tweeted,

Vance's motorcade just pulled up to the White House. So Trump thought Vance was on a plane to Pakistan, and then Vance pulled up to the White House. Imagine how bummed you must be when you think J.D. Vance is 7,000 miles away, and then you see him in your driveway.

You're like, "[Groans in frustration.]

This whole thing's like a 50s sitcom where Trump tries to date two girls at once and gets confused. You're Betty? I thought you were the drive-in. I'm Barbara, but I thought Barbara was at the sock-op. No, she's in Pakistan. Oh, boy, Donald, you've done it again. he's doing it with a war, and it's not working, and Americans are furious. And once again, they're realizing that the day these weirdos leave office will be...

-...a great and brilliant day for the world.

-...this has been A Closer Look.

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