Seth Meyers Catches Up on Three Weeks of Insane News from Iran to Graham to McConnell: A Closer Look

You guys, this is usually the part of the show where we would do our recurring segment, A Closer Look, about all the crazy stuff that's been happening in the news.But we just got back from a three -week hiatus, and it turns out nothing happened.Yeah.Can't believe I'm saying it, but the news is normal and chill, which brings us to our new segment, Everything's Great.That's right, it's been a quiet three weeks.And what's that?

Donald Trump said the ceasefire with Iran is over and no one knows if the Strait of Hormuz is open or closed and the Iranian blockade is back on?Donald Trump said that if Iran assassinates him, he left instructions for the U .S.government to bomb them at levels they've never seen before?All right, well, yeah, but that's great, but that's just Iran stuff.Not much else happened.

What?There's a parasitic infection that causes explosive diarrhea spreading throughout the country, and that might be why Donald Trump sits like he's always on the toilet.And it turns out...The CDC under RFK Jr. ended the program that monitors cases of the explosive diarrhea bug, and RFK Jr. himself hasn't gotten it?Even though he gets most of his protein from snake meat he finds on the side of the road?Okay, fine, fine, fine, but surely that's everything.

What now?The Pentagon released a new batch of UFO files, and Stephen Miller is in there nine times?Trump flew to Turkey on the fancy golden jet he got from the Qataris, but then he had to fly back on the old Air Force One because of security concerns.Security concerns that should have been obvious when you try to retrofit a free jet from...Qatar.All right, fine, fine, fine, but that has to be it.

What?Kash Patel said he has a gold -plated jet ski and called a media outlet a dumbass, even though he's the one who always looks like he has explosive diarrhea pressing against the back of his eyeballs?The Trump administration drained the reflecting pool for a third time on Friday?Ballooning the cost of a projectno one asked for to more than $16 million.The Secretary of the Interior claimed vandals cut a 350 -foot gash in the blue paint in the bottom of the pool, but refused to provide evidence because, hold on, let me see if I have this right.

That's f****** insane?And if you want to know how insane, it means someone with a knife did this times 350?What's that?The Trump administration arrested a former Olympian for touching a piece of the blue paint that peeled after the administration dumped hydrogen peroxide into the pool to kill the algae that filled the pool after Trump renovated it the first time and made it look like a ninja turtle puked up Mountain Dew?Trump posted an insane 589 word rant in which he claimed the algae in the reflecting pool was criminally made?J .

D.Vance said...A new report said that Trump made over $2 billion during his first year in office, while nearly a million investors lost $3 .8 billion in his crypto coin.The White House promoted a mysterious... network of Freedom Fuel gas stations offering gas at $3 .47 a gallon, which is still way higher than the $2 Trump promised, and then claimed they had nothing to do with it and wouldn't reveal who funded it?Dr. Oz posted a video of himself doing squats that made it look like he was practicing for the explosive diarrhea button?Well, Trump said he was going to cut off all trade with Spain and started a feud with the prime minister of Italy.

New Mexico said the Justice Department is hindering its investigation of Jeffrey Epstein's raid.Trump attacked Muslim kindergartners in Minnesota for wearing clothes he didn't like.Cabinet officials fought over who would get to ride in a fighter jet for a July 4th flyover.Pete Hegseth got mad at military leaders because he saw some sailors with it.The New York Times reported that Marco Rubio is secretly running for president.Trump said he wants to take over Greenland again.

He posted another rant.Claiming he aced a cognitive test just five days after calling the social media site TikTok Tic Tac?and inventing a new country called the Islamic Republic of Japan.Graham Platner dropped out of the main center race after credible allegations of sexual assault.Everyone thought Mitch McConnell was dead because he disappeared.Then Lindsey Graham said he was going to go check on him with his office.

Then Graham died.Trump intervened to get a red card in a World Cup match overturned while admitting he didn't know what a red card was.And then when Belgium beat the U .S., they made fun of Trump by doing his stupid dance.Trump said...

A court said Trump had to pay E .J.and Carol $5 million, and another court denied a request to put Trump's name back on the candidate list.Trump misled America's 250 donors into giving money to a group he controls, and the Great American State Ferry plan in Washington, D .C.was so empty, it looked like everyone was homesick with a diarrhea bug.

You know what?I stand corrected.It turns out, you know, there's a lot going on.I don't know why you decided to tell me all that at the last minute.You know, like, just off -camera, after I said everything's great, you know?I look like an idiot now?

What's that?I always look like an idiot because I'm wearing a sweater in July?Well, it's cold in the studio.All right.For more on this, it's time for a closer look.Big stories in Washington right now.

The renewed fighting in Iran and the sudden death of Republican Senator Lindsey Graham.News anchors are trying their best to cover both, even when it leads to awkward moments like this with the president.

Iran has declared the Strait of Hormuz closed.

Is that true, Mr. President?

Don't talk about it is not a reassuring answer.If you asked your mom why dad's been sleeping on the couch all week and she said, don't talk about it, you'd panic.Yeah, but mommy's also Googling condos for rent.Don't talk about it, boy.Our marriage is fine, as far as we're concerned.Also, the whole thing with diplomacy, especially in regards to what is or is not open, is that you have to talk about it.

You can't treat access to a key international waterway that controls the world's oil supply like it's a mystery.You're the president, not some magical bridge troll.So, is it open or not?The answer you will hear from me once you answer my riddles three.But, look, I get it.This was a day that was about Lindsey Graham.

And, look, I certainly have my disagreements with Graham, but I, for one, do not believe in speaking ill of the dead.And I'm just glad that is one area where the president and I do see eye -to -eye.

The president has just posted on True Social, following the death of former FBI Director Robert Mueller.It says, Robert Mueller just died.Good.I'm glad he's dead.He can no longer hurt innocent people.

I should know by now that when I sarcastically tee up a clip, it's going to prove the opposite of what I just said.Still, like I said, I think it's best to avoid saying anything weird about Graham's passing, and I just hope Republican members of Congress, like Nancy Mace, who recently ran for governor of South Carolina and has said she is considering running for Graham's Senate seat, can live up to the same standards.

from Godfather 3, where he famously says, just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.What did you mean by that?Well, I love a little self -deprecating humor.

You know, I just, I don't think we need to ban politicians from posting memes.This is almost as bad as what they're doing.posted a meme of himself on Mount Rushmore that looked like the other presidents were trying not to make eye contact with him.Looks like Washington is saying, that's the guy I was telling you about.So the president expressed his condolences for Lindsey Graham.What about Mitch McConnell?

Has the president checked in on him?I have no idea how he's doing.You don't?He's a sitting member of the United States Senate, and there was speculation for several days that he might be dead.You didn't want to at least shoot him a text?Something like, Mitch, heard you've been laid up?

Diarrhea bug?Me, too.My toilet looks like the Lincoln Reflecting Pool.Guys, we're doing a lot of diarrhea jokes today, and that's because it's a once -in -a -lifetime comedy opportunity.When there's diarrhea, an explosive news story about explosive diarrhea.I don't want to keep talking about it, but as the host of a late -night comedy show, I am contractually obligated.

The only way I'm going to stop talking about it is if I get it.I'm going to get real quiet if that happens.You'll know I have it if you tune in and I'm, A, not here, or, B, making the same face as Cash Patel.Besides, it's a real news story about government corruption and incompetence.Plus, now we know what Trump was talking about when he said this.

People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.

You know, we thought he was complaining about the plumbing, but it turns out he was previewing an upcoming health crisis.So, the president's poll numbers are much like explosive diarrhea in the...Republicans in Congress are in disarray, and we're back to square one in Iran.But don't worry.During his trip to the NATO summit in Turkey last week, Trump put the world at ease.He's on top of it.

He knows exactly who he's dealing with.

and they're vicious, violent people.There's something wrong with them.They're cuckoo.

Last month, you said Iranian leaders were very rational people, nice people to deal with, strong people, smart people.Today, you said they were scum, sick people, and being led by sick people.What changed and do you think...I got to know them.

I told this story yesterday.We had 111 missiles shot by the Islamic Republic of Japan.

I'm not sure how well you got to know them if you think they're called the Islamic Republic of Japan.Sounds like something you'd see in a Timo version of Risk called Peril.All right, so I control the Islamic Republic of Japan, and you control the United States of Armenia.Now, we roll the 19 -sided die to see who wins control of the People's Republic of Kenya.Can you believe this guy thinks there's a country called the Islamic Republic of Japan?So we're back to square one with Iran, although maybe it's square zero.

I mean, you got to at least know it's called Iran for it to be square one.Not only that, gas prices are rising, inflation's up, job growth is slowing, wage growth is down, the reflecting pool is empty, and I don't know if anyone has told you this yet, thousands of Americans have explosive diarrhea.So what exactly has Trump accomplished?Who, if anyone, is benefiting from the Trump presidency?

The Office of the Government Ethics released President Trump's annual financial disclosure report yesterday.It revealed that the president pulled in at least $2 billion in 2025.

The president reported eye -popping earnings of $1 .4 billion.billion dollars in cryptocurrency alone.He earned 635 million dollars from his meme coin and he pulled in more than 500 million bucks from token sales and 65 million from selling an equity stake related to World Liberty Financial that of course is the crypto company he co -founded with his sons.

We are seeing the greatest onslaught of corruption in the history of mankind.This is somebody who every day is devoted to the accumulation of wealth and power.

You guys, that's how bad this is.Even the colonel is against it.To put it in fried chicken terms, Trump's corruption is finger -licking bad.And his only defense is that his sons are in charge of it.

My son, Eric, handles it.I don't talk to him about things such as this.I'm very much for crypto because it's not a question of a personal thing.Because I let my kids do whatever the hell they do they can do.I don't talk to them, ever talk to them about it.

That's genius.He picked the one argument we could all believe.He doesn't talk to his kids.I don't know anything about my crypto money because it's all handled by Eric.I wouldn't go near that guy with a 10 -foot pole.I want him as far away as possible.

In fact, this is very exciting.I just made him ambassador to the Islamic Republic of Japan.This is the one.Through the line of the Trump presidency, three weeks of constant tumult, disruption, and chaos, and the only person who benefits is Trump.And that's why his poll numbers are at an all -time low.People are disgusted by the constant...

of corruption and BS.

In fact, there's so much BS...

This has been...