Speed Dating VR Simulator

New headset, finally!JESUS CHRIST!There's one in front of you my darling, but you scared the shit out of me!What is this?That's not an iPad, that's a fucking bathtub!Where are we?

Oh, dating agency then?You look wonderful, why don't we just go on a date?Are you busy?In the lobby?Your business is called lobby?anyway choosing on a tablet is like a little adventure new every time if we are gonna go on a date first of all i need to establish if there's anything in that brain of yours what wait hold on oh why am i suddenly four foot tall Why am I down here?

What happened?I'm not stupid, love.That's not a tablet!Look at that!It's a fucking Samsung TV!Alright, I guess we should get to the dating scene, alright?

She's a client.She cannot be seen with me, quite clearly.Let's go do this.Play.Alright!Oh!

Oh, shit!Oh, shit!Oh, fuck the date, I'm just gonna order some food!I beg your fucking pardon?

What is she doing with that drink?Stop it!No!Stop it!

That's weird.Oh, crap.You're an OnlyFans chick, aren't you?What does that symbolize?

Okay, buddy now get me a huge huge Piece of meat.

That's a fucking metaphor.All right, stop it.

Stop it careful that mixture Nothing

Have you got an Amazon store under there?

What are you - how's she doing that?

Never mind about your biceps, that woman doesn't even have any sex!She's got sexist!She's dead!There's a fucking dead person in here!Well done, alright?Well done.

Clearly you're in the manosphere.

You're getting water on your boots!Stop it!

What does that mean?Oh my god!I can't deal with it.What did she want to eat?Information.Add funny ball.

Add meat with bone.I bet you want the bone.You have daddy issues.That's all I'm gonna say.Food.No, that's not food.

That's dessert.

Can I?

Yeah, I'm really glad.Can I just see something quick?Get the fucking rid of that shit.What's that hammer?Arm wrestle then, ready?Three, two, one.

Fuck you!See?You lost.

You just ordered some cigars.Shut up!Why are there cigars?Oh, fuck.

There you go, look.Alright?You wanna act like a man of sphere.There you go.Yeah, of course it is.There you go.

Yeah, there you go.But it raises testosterone.Well, whatever the fuck that was, enjoy.

I'm gonna get your - Shut up.

I'm gonna get you that, alright?Not the -deserve.

Oh fuck yeah, it just comes out, look at that.

Why aren't restaurants like this?

I actually still don't get why people spend hours on social media scrolling.Willpower.Oh my god, please, shut up!I call it poor planning.

Right, Tabasco.Why would I pour Tabasco on the meat?Um, okay, the three compound, um...

First one, Forget work -life balance.I live for workout life.

No, you don't do that.Yeah, but you can't do this shit, huh?You need a light.

You don't always ask me about people.

I tell them - Right, so I'm gonna give you a - FUCK!Your hair was on fire, bro!Get rid of it!Get rid of it!

Oh, shit!Fuck!I just fucked this restaurant up!Damn it!Why is everything going wrong?

There you go, I'm just gonna - I'm not doing what you think I'm doing.You've been jerking off that drink for like six years, love.Um, what does she want?She wanted a ball.Alright, she wants a ball.And I died, honestly, at this point.

Shut up.Aw, fuck.What?How are you still talking?I thought that would shut you up.Tomato juice.

There you go.Shut up and stop shaking it!

Here we go.Tomato juice.Get that out of your mouth.Right.Right.And just...

Oh, you're throwing a strop now, are you?Have some tomato juice.There you go.There you go.There you go.Put that on your fitness Instagram.

Hashtag GAYS!The fuck was that?Right.No, thank you.one rep max you're too weak for me Oh, am I am I you have a very nice bottom?

Oh, oh Well, look who's finally here.Don't worry.I don't bite Anymore the jaws on a coffee break love you're dead You're you're dead love you're you know, the great thing about being bones.No bad hair days ever wine Yes.Yes.

Oh, God.You don't happen to have a fucking...Reddit account.It's not my place.It's not my place, love.I just came here.

She brought me here.That person there that I should be on a date with.

You just wanted wine.I got you wine, look.

Look!Clink, clink!Cheers!Cheers!Cheers!

What the fuck is that?Is that rum?Give it!Give it!Give me the rum!No!

Give me my fucking hand back!Oh, you smashed my glass!Why are you dead?How are you here?No, I've got no glasses.Well done, well done.

Do you want some brie?Here, I've got no glasses now, so you're gonna have to just drink it.Oh my god, it's going down her chest!

You want some pizza?

I'll get you some pizza.She seems quite nice.You are a false fucking advertisement.Fuck off!You sure you don't want some brie?I got you some brie.

What the fuck?Well apparently Satan wanted the brie, so you don't have any.Capisce?

That's one way to get some fresh air.

Love, you need to cheer up.I know you're skin and bones, but you need to cheer up, all right?I'm gonna order you something now.You're gonna fucking love it.You said you wanted some pizza.I will get you some pizza.

No problem.

Oh, is she getting you to pay as well?Are you paying for everything?It's great being a man, isn't it?It's great.

Here you go, pizza.Look at that.Pepperoni.Pepperoni.Pizza.Yeah.

That's a flavor wheel of chance.

Oh.God, you don't happen to work at CEX in your spare time, do you?Bit of salt on there.

Put the fucking rum down here.

Love, I'm trying to eat.Shut up, honestly.Talk about your elbows falling off.Bit of Tabasco for you.Alright, here you go.Did you order that?

It's because you're drunk!Stop drinking!What is this?Alright, here you go, have a slice of pizza.There you go, that'll cheer you up.If pizza don't cheer you up.

Oh my fucking god.Stop it.What was that?Is it because I put Tabasco on it?Have another bit.Put the rum down.

You're drinking too much.No.What else do you want?Orange.Oh she wants a fucking orange juice now.You just had a bottle of fucking Chardonnay.

Where is it?Orange juice.Put the rum down.

Stop it.Stop it.

No you don't.Stop it.

Stop it.

Stop it.Listen to me.You may be dead, but you'll be even more fucking dead if you keep drinking it.Stop it.The pizza.Eat the pizza.

Eat the p - She's actually eating it.Eat, eat the pizza.

Jesus Christ!Oh shit!What's wrong with her?What's wrong with her?Ah!

Someone do something!

Someone do something!

Stop it!

Oh my fucking god, she's still fucking eating it!Oh, give her an orange juice quick!

Give her an orange juice quick!

Fuck!Shit!

Give it to her!Oh my god, she's fucking having a seizure!This bitch is having a seizure!There you go!Calm down!Are you okay?

Are you alright?What the hell?Look, she's...Can you just, like, lighten the mood a little bit?Okay?Look, you're very sweet, but you're dead, and you make me depressed.

Next.Alright?

Stop spilling the drink.

Yeah, go.Alright?Emo is not attractive.

What?

I beg your - what?

Oh, hell no.

Are you - I've seen cleaner dumpsters.

Fuck, have you just come from murdering?What are you doing down there?What are you doing?Are you touching yourself?

Order the champagne.I want to see how quickly this gets messy.

Oh my god.It's 50 shades of shit right here.Are you - No, he's stroking the pizza.Were you touching yourself?You were touching - I saw - Oh.OH MY GOD!

You pervert!The fuck is wrong with you?You're not having any food.I'm not buying anything for you.You're fucked.

Get me that black mask.

No!Why are you filming me?Give me that shit!

Those are raw, uncatalogued observations.You have no clearance.

It's an X -ray.It's a fu - My god.It's an x -ray camera.Fuck that!What is the matter with you?

Thank you?Fuck you!Get lost!

Oh, he fucking ate it!He ate it!It's in his fucking mouth!It's in his mouth!Ah, shut up!

Get it out of your mouth.Get it out of your mouth.Don't do that!I'm very aware.Give me that shit.What is the matter with you?

This is a Netflix documentary.

I'm aware of your shit camera.X -ray camera.Right, I'm gonna ignore you.What does he want?A black mask?Don't touch your nipples!

Stop it!Stop it!Bloody hell.I don't know what I'm doing anymore.What am I doing?A mask does he want?

Oh, this is fucked.I don't want to do this.Yeah, don't touch me.Am I putting it on?Or are you putting it on?Well that fucking went well, didn't it?

Now I've lost it.Now I've lost it.If you reach across that table again - Yeah, that's it.I'll set fire to you.I'll set fire to you.You need to be set fire to.

Oh, these glasses are there.Bye.Good luck seeing your next victim.What the fuck is that?Is that a tattoo gun?Great.

That's on me for life.You need to be more obvious to your victims, okay?are you crazy are you crazy no i'm not that's permanent i'm trying to write pedo on your head but luckily for you oh it just it just gives methat that's permanent you idiot What are you doing sit down?Where's he gone?Thank you.

We're gonna skim someone report clear line of sight the packages I mean you're right on time.

Are you filming me as well?

Why are you making that face?

I just turn the camera off.What's that gun?

Oh, keep it.I'm sure the sniper will love the moving target practice.

What the fuck, is that a hairdryer?

What the fuck?Oh!

It's a fucking levitating gun!

Oh, fuck, what's this?

You sick bitch.Are we, are we real right now?You know what, you actually look more normal with that in, that's what's worrying me about this.Champagne and a cowboy hat.No, it's a party.Alright, let's get the champagne.

It's not costing me a fucking arm and leg to do this.Um, cowboy hat.

Shut up.

So annoying.Right, champagne.Okay, we're gonna attempt to have a normal date even though you look like a stunt double from the Matrix.We're going to have a normal date.Alright, and everything's gonna be fine.Fuck.

Okay, strawberries.Everyone loves strawberries.Why is everything glitching?Get on the fucking table.Right, give me that.Yep, we're good.

Okay.There we go.Salud.So in your spare time, what do you like to do?Like, we're going to have a nice normal conversation.No, I'm honestly just trying to get through this day without killing you.

Have a glass of champagne.There she hath it.Ah, lovely.So, uh, shall I feed you strawberries?It's very romantic.Oh, she's leaning in.

Here you go, take a bite.Here you go.

Why have you got to ruin it?Okay, hatch.

Fuck.Open your mouth, ready, and go.I'm sorry, I'm not very good at - and go.

There you go!Brilliant!

Can we just talk about something nice and normal?What else do you want?Oh, you don't want anything.Can we, like, not order, like, some real food?Because everyone - look, steak.Done.

Easy.There it is, look.Ah!Filet mignon.Let's have some.So basically, day to day, I'm a YouTuber.

This tattoo is gonna come off, don't worry.Medium, medium rare.How do you like it?Because right now, it's not really doing fuck all.Nothing?It's quite expensive, this steak.

You're not gonna say anything?Like, thank you?Just eat, I'm gonna feed you.You're not gonna be able to fit into that spandex in the morning, that's for sure.Let's get rid of all this.

Unprocessed protein source.

Is there no one normal?Is there no one normal?Fuck is that?I don't want that, go away.Stop sending me random shit.I'm sorry, you seem...

Nice, but this cosplay mi5 agent.

It's not for me get out compromised Object is non -compliant.

Yeah, I repeat non -compliant.

No initiating exfiltration.Yeah.Bye.Oh damn shit Maybe I should have given you another chance

Oh, she's damaged.

Dad didn't love this one.At all.

Stop it!

To yourself!Alright, stop it!Stop it!Stop it!Just don't do that to yourself.Calm down.

Calm down, have a fucking strawberry.I got amazing idea, we can try new perfume.Just red and seedy.Are you sure it's not a tiny hive?

Oh shit, this one needs therapy, this one.I don't even know if I can continue.What do you want?What does she fucking want?She wants to be - is she shocked?Oh wow, this is - this is all sorts of messed up.

Here you go.Alright, okay.I didn't know they did those.Oh, do you know what?Fuck it.She's that type.

Can you look at how she's trying to kill herself?Alright, here's - here's this.Right?Here you go.Put that on.

What does it do?

Is that a shock collar?Oh my god!Oh my god!

Holy shit!

I'm cooking her.I'm cooking.

I can't do this is this now We have a proper vibe like back in the garden when I was playing as a kid you rolled in shit.

Just order me vodka You don't need it you don'tneed all this shit.It's just desperate look at you Fuck man.Oh god.What's she want?I want her gone now vodka that'll calm others Do you know what?

Do you know what?I can't - I can't do this much longer with you, love.I don't even know what your name is.Oh, here we go.We'll get you some vodka now, okay?Oh, yeah, we've got to get a slice of lime.

Of course we have.See?Civilized.

I need burger right now.It sparks my brain.

Way to ruin it.Way to ruin it.There you go, look.Slice of lime.Oh, okay.Okay, it's in there.

I was expecting it to go in there, but there you go.Slice of lime.Some ice.Want some ice?Do you want to go home?Stop it.

Got your nose.Give me that.Give me that.Give me that.Right.Back my fuck off.

Vodka.I take it you want a lot.I'm gonna give you more than you should have, if I'm honest.I'll have a touch, like a normal one.Oh no, I fucking spilt it!Go away.

Alright, coming up!Fucking hell!No!Drink!Drink!Please drink!

Are you okay?Are you okay?Get out!No, you're not.Do you know what?Welly's on.

What's the matter with you?Here we go.It's not working are you gonna eat that because that's a good burger now you want some champagne king hell how much does she want?Oh my god, is anyone seeing this you're dating doing that?

I need hot dog right now.It sparks my brain

know what, I'm not playing with this chicken anymore.There you go.Aww, well done!Well done!Well done!And what, what, you want a hot dog now?

Is it, is this just how this date's gonna go?You're just gonna keep, like, harming yourself whilst I buy you shit?Here it is, here's your hot dog.Go on.I'm not, I'm not loading it for you.Go on.

Ooh.Alright, that could have been my one.That was the weirdest shit.

Are you - There's - There's something on your face.

Do you want that?Come here.

What is that?

I think you need to be cleaned.Yep.That was in your face.What is this in your face?There's stuff in your face, love.Come here.

My god, what is this in your fucking face?!That's wrong!That is wrong!Did you fall into a ha - are you drunk?You're fucking drunk, aren't you?Vodka and a cig, okay?

That works, I guess.I'm not - I'm not gonna serve it for you, cause - Yeah, of course it is, there you go.

Oh, fuck off.

No, you've just had one.You've just had one.No, you've just had one.You're not with it.You're just - you're not with it at all.I don't know - what are the - what are these in your face?

What - what are they?Fuck, no -you don't need that.Bad for you.

What are they?

Are they like fawns or something?Lala, it's been lovely, but I don't know where you've been, who you've been with.I don't even know if you know who you're...Yeah, there's a problem.That's a problem that's gonna creep up quite quick.I'm sorry, it's a no.

Well, it was because you pissed yourself, all right?No one can be...

You are an excellent sample for my experiments.

You know what?There's something about you.In fact, there's two things about you.You live like this?

My ship's brig is cleaner.

Well, maybe you can take me up there sometime.Is it weird that she's the most normal person that's actually been here so far?All right, an appendage.There you go.Bunny ears.You got a nice silver hat on.

I don't see why you need the bunny ears, but...Oh, you need to take that off.No, you need to take that off, right?That's a Lamborghini.

I require a vessel of fermented, pressurized bubbles.For you adorn me with fuzzy Earth creature sensors.

Welcome to Earth.

A curious form of flattery.Is this a territorial marker?

Yeah.

Does this mean the table is now ours?

I will update the map.Oh my god.Never mind that hat.I've got a new one.I've got a new one for you.Give me that.

Give me that.Sorry.Sorry.This isn't normal on Earth.give me your hair your fists are greasy all right look at what i've been through you're slimy there you go that's even better that is look at that look short intrusion withdraw immediately you like that don't you you fucking like you have compromised my exterior

I'm just trying to have some fucking fun, Jesus Christ.

What do you want now?Do you want some champagne?I'm from a different planet, but you know what champagne is.You're like every woman on Earth.Here we go.There it is.

The window is now an open window.

Yep.You are smart.Your method was destructive and loud.You're smart.

But the result is functionally similar.

It is functionally similar.You know, sometimes you just got to say screw it and...

Is it?

There you go.By the way...On Earth, it's complimentary that the woman buys everything.Just, just trying to help.You know, I don't want you to be here, not knowing what's what.Have a strawberry, love.

Hopefully you're not allergic.On planet Zinzion.There you go.Clink.Hold it.Hold it.

There you go.Salud.You're getting it.You're getting it.You know what?You're my favorite so far, and you're not from this planet, and that is probably why I like you.

What's the gun?Is that another gravitating gun thing?Is that what it does?Can I have a go?Can I?Yeah!

Oh look, I lavitated that woman's Macbook!

Yeah!What, did it work out so well?

Well, it's been real.You know, you are my favourite out of them all.So, yeah.If it all goes to shit, I will pick you.

Alright.

Okay.Oh.Oh, you already ate?Okay.Yeah.I'm gonna be real with you.

I know I threw a silver hat at you just now, but that wasn't a term to be used.Where did you get that?Where the fuck was that?Was he even cooked?Where was that from?Kinda like the last girl.

Look, there's a Comic -Con next door.Go there.I'm not - I'm not dealing with you.

BOX OFF!Yeah.Go away.Alright.

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, she's an influencer.Um, you can suck a dick.Put the phone down, we're on a date!What is th - Oh!Oh my god, you're actually streaming me?Yo, chat, chat, okay?

Give me five likes, okay?And I'll toss her in the street, okay?Let's make it happen.Oh, look, she's back!That girl's better than her.I like that one, the alien.

Yeah.

Hashtag not gonna happen.Yeah, all over your Gucci.All over your Gucci.Yeah, there you go.Prada, your iPhones, now Samsung.Yeah, there you go, that's an improvement.

I'm not getting you your bracelet.I'm not - What does she want?A golden bracelet and champagne.Of course you do.You're like every influencer.Stop streaming!

Chat! chat we hit one thousand no we got two we get three thousand likes on this stream i shit on the table that's what's happening chat smash that like button smash that like smash it it's not gonna work okay you're annoying you're self -absorbed and you're taking pictures of my table okayyou're taking pictures of my table, okay?And to send you off, I'm gonna get you something to bring you down to Earth.There you go, look.I swear to God, it's Dolce & Gabbana.You look like Stan from South Park.

Um...No, I'm good.

Oh, you don't worry.Here you go, look, some pearls.Look, I got you some pearls.

There you go.

That's weird.Fucking, you go, look, cost a million pounds that.High five?Yeah, look at the silly hand.Look at the hand.You are not as important as you think you are.

No one cares about your opinions as much as you.Yeah, I did.Did you get that on camera?Yeah, clip that, chat.Bracelet back.Give me a fucking hat.

I'm going.Get lost.Go back to daddy's farm and ask for another pony.You're only - you're only got followers because you're hot.You do impress me.Let's go.

Let's go!I'm ready if you're ready.Give me the ice.Eat.Sorry.Well, I think that is all the available characters for now, but you are my favorite and I'm going to Zamfion with you.

I do.

Shhh.

We're gonna live together and be very, very happy.Okay?You and me.YOU AND ME!DING DING!I choose the alien.