Stavvy's World #172 - Nick Mullen and Dan Soder | Full Episode

Hello everyone, we have a very, very fun show with my old pals Nick Mullin and Dan Soder coming up right now, and yes, I am parked at a Wawa, but don't worry about that. What I want you to worry about is the fact that the Dreamboat Tour,

the final leg of the Dreamboat Tour, is kicking off soon. And a lot of the dates are sold out, but we still have tickets for Jacksonville, Atlanta, we just added a second show. Buy those tickets up if you're in the ATL. What are some other big, Rochester, Milwaukee, buy those tickets and also the Baltimore special taping, April 24th and 25th, four shows, three are sold out.

There's a few tickets left to the Friday Late Show. Come be a part of the special taping. We're gonna tape all four shows. The best stuff will get into the final product. So anyway, enjoy this super fun episode with two of my favorite guys in the world to riff with.

I think you're gonna have a nice time. See you on the road.

Opa!

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. I got my good pals Nick Mullin, Dan Soder on the couch in the makeshift Lower East Side studio. I feel like I'm in

to do the stunts for Adam. We need a guy that can jump through a wall. I go, alright, is it Union? Union Scout? Alright, what are you guys gonna call me? Some kind of gay? And then I'm gonna jump through a wall?

Have you ever seen Rad, the BMX movie? I love you, they didn't even make an attempt to hide that all of, what's the aunt's name from Full House?

Oh, Becky. Aunt Becky plays the, have you seen Rad?

She's the hot girl in Rad. Yeah, so Rad, in Rad, Rad is... Young Aunt Becky? Yeah. Interesting. And Becky was hot. And Becky still is hot. She's in prison now. Oh, she was married to Mossimo, right? The guy, Mossimo Shirts? Maybe. She's in prison. She bribed... But her husband is like the guy that looked at... I think her husband owned the shirts I wasn't allowed to buy in middle school. You weren't allowed to buy Mossimo's? It was at the, it wasn't at Target yet.

I was only buying clothes at Target.

Mossimo wasn't a Target brand?

They became Target after I got out the game.

Oh wow.

I wish I would've got Mossimo.

I know what you mean, because I remember buying a Mossimo peacoat and being like, I thought you said you weren't allowed to buy it because they were like, your mom was like, I hate. Oh, Italians.

Yeah.

She's like, I don't fuck with fascists.

Okay.

I was like, what? Did grandpa die in the world? No, he didn't even serve.

If you don't know, Rad is a BMX movie.

And it's like one of those eighties movies Yeah, they do evil BMX. But Aunt Rachel. Aunt Becky. Aunt Becky has to, are you sure?

100% positive.

It's Becky for sure.

Who the fuck is Rachel?

Stamos put twins in her in Full House. I was like, damn right he did.

Who's Aunt Rachel then?

Is there an Aunt Rachel?

There's a Miss Rachel.

Miss Rachel on Full House? No, on Full House it was just Aunt Becky. Miss Rachel, you know, the child educator who's poisoning our children's minds.

Oh.

Boo!

This woman gives all of her time to helping kids.

Oh, oh, oh, Miss Rachel, yeah.

Yeah, she's the one who's like, Palestinians are children too, and then people are like,

she's a fucking piece of shit. Not anymore, bitch.

Now they're targets. Yeah. for this complicated weapons system. Imagine how fucking, what a piece of shit

you have to be to see that lady and be like, she is my enemy.

Like the nicest woman you've ever seen in your life.

Just like a guy throwing a knife at a wall back in the day about Mr. Rogers. Taking your shoes off when you come in the house, kind of queer shit is that.

Mr. motherfucking Rogers, shout out to him not having any creepy.

Thank God, dude. Because the one in England got caught fucking all.

That's more of an English thing rather than a children's entertainer.

That's the spoil of being British.

Who was he?

Gary Glitter?

No, he was the one that did the stadium music. That was such a bad. But he's also, but no. He's such a bad, he got kicked out of Thailand.

Jimmy Saville.

Jimmy Saville, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was like.

He got kicked out of Thailand?

Gary Glitter.

Oh my God, dude.

Gary Glitter, Gary Glitter, that's like, that's like when Homer gets kicked out of the Chinese buffet, or the all you can eat seafood buffet. Dude, that's insane. They go, who, who? And he go, that man over there. He's doing three to a lap. He's got a six pack on his lap.

Fuck, dude. That guy just thought like the Epstein list was about sellouts. He was like, nah, man, I'm not for all that corporate.

I'm in for all that corporate You guys were mainstream Now now even the Jews get Monkey brains before I get sucked off by a kid. Yeah, shout out.

Actually, no shout out to Gary Glitter.

I was almost going to say shout out. Die a painful death.

I'm going to say no shout out to Gary Glitter.

But Jimmy Savile was like the, wasn't he like British Mr. Rogers?

I don't think he was quite Mr. Rogers. I think he was like, but he wasn't like purely. He's like a Willy Wonka type.

Yeah, yeah, he was, yeah.

Just Pratt Falls and then Screams of Kids.

I don't think he did like a child show. Yeah, didn't he do, I feel like every, all of British television is just like, like a different gay, like a different gay guy, or like a different guy that might not be gay, Be Gay, Just Barely hosts like having a dinner party. Because they're all having, every British show is like those panel shows where they're like, oh, you know.

I've only seen the sitcoms. Yeah. No, they have like those sit down shows.

Like who's taking your number.

Oh, like Graham Norton, where he's like.

Oh, that one, yeah.

Yeah, but I feel like.

Where they all look like they're at a like a airport lounge. a pretty fun show. It's always like Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts. It's the most famous, The Rock.

It's like our elite A list, and then a guy that I've never seen from Britain that everyone loves.

Yeah, he's on some sitcom about gardening that's been on British TV forever.

British TV fucked me up because of the lighting. It was always lit different. And that, to me, was like, that's not TV.

Yeah. Lit Like shit. I never, all I watched was there was one show in a, in a, like department store.

The Hotel 2.

No, Fawlty Towers.

Fawlty Towers is the bed and breakfast, right?

I think that's a department store.

Is it?

Or a hotel?

I watched that and I thought, what's his face from Monty Python was in it. John Cleese? But it wasn't, it was just some different British guy. Damn. And I remember bragging, being like, I know all about British shit, showing it to someone, being like, check it out, this show John Cleese is on.

I've never watched any,

I've watched maybe one episode of The British Office.

I watched-

And then a lot of Keeping Up I mean, it's Mr. Bean. Oh, is it?

No, Mr. Bean, fuck it.

Well, I would like to go back because I was thinking about Mr. Bean in my head the other day and I'm like, it has to be bullshit.

No, I watched it now, it has to suck.

Well, it's like Mr. Magoo.

I watched it recently. almost falls and shit. Mr. Bean just gets himself into situations and facial expressions. The one I remember is him going around his house like using a gun to turn off things.

To turn the lights off.

But that shit's funny.

He does, I think it would hold up. I think he'd be like. Court testimony against him. Yeah. They just play that back.

Is this you?

Well it's crazy because he had so much success with Mr. Bean and they let him do that one spy movie and they're like, we've had enough of this guy.

Well, there was Rat Race where he was also pretty much Mr. Bean. He was Mr. Bean in that. And then yeah, they made him like sexy. They did Johnny English. And it's funny because Johnny English is like very,

I think it would catch on now. Because you know what it was? of like Tim Allen core where it's like these young guys don't know shit. It was kind of a boomer spy thing where it's like like somebody had hacked computers so he had to use analog stuff so they're like we have a hybrid car for you you know Johnny English he's like what am I a fucking homo? Give me a fucking road yeah and he asked for the old-school like you know muscle car or whatever I

don't know whatever whatever British car, and they're like, and it doesn't get hacked or something. I don't know, I saw like five minutes of it. That's way more information than I had on Johnny. I believe that's what happens in Johnny English.

I imagine it failed because it came out at the same time as Austin Powers, which was so much better.

No, did it? Yeah, it's the same general, like a 20 year window. 20 years after.

20 years for a British spy, and then a joke.

I feel like Johnny Depp just came out in like 2000-something.

Yeah.

2003.

2003.

When did Goldmember come out?

2002?

Goldmember's gotta be like 2002.

But Goldmember sucked.

No. We rewatched it.

Goldmember, actually, the 2002. But Goldmember sucked. No. We rewatched it. Goldmember, actually, the best part is Goldmember. You can't say Mr. Bean holds up without checking

and then say Goldmember.

The fall off of Spy Who Shagged Me into Goldmember is crazy.

The first two are great.

Spy Who Shagged Me, a regular Austin Powers,

Spy Who Shagged Me, the fall off of- Which is the one with Mini-Me where there's the silhouette and he's got the penis.

I think that's Goldmember.

That's one of the funniest- They did that gag in two though.

But that, yeah.

But that also-

But that scene where he goes, there's one lab coat and he goes, one of us is gonna have to get on the other's shoulders

and he's got the tiny legs. anything anyone's ever done. But I will tell you, the problem with Goldmember is that Beyonce very clearly, there was a note that's like, she can't be horny publicly. Why?

So on the other one-

Did they think it was gonna cause chaos?

I don't know, but the other two, it's such a horny-

Probably racial.

It's a sexy- Black women won't be as British fucks?

You should be like sexual.

I go, she can't.

That's how you get more of them.

It's gonna scare everybody.

Out of one, she's horny, and one scene, the next,

they know there's eight of them,

and the next.

The British were too racist against Beyonce in 2003.

Yeah. You guys need to tone this down. They lay eggs like spiders. If she's horny, we could have nine Beyonces by the end of this filming.

That don't sound so bad.

What if Beyonce was really stupid and she hated Michael Myers, but she thought all the characters were different people?

No, that's funny.

She goes, catch up to you.

So she was like fucking fat bastard. That's really funny. And she thought it was a secret between them. Yeah.

And then Michael Myers just thought she was kinky. Mike Myers was just like, she's crazy kinky.

He tried to fuck her as Dr. Evil and she was like, what, you know, what are you doing?

Whoa, Dr. Evil, I'm dating fat bastard.

She doesn't know what movie.

He has to fuck.

We're all coworkers here. I was like, the pussy's so good, I go through three hours of prosthetics. He's gotta sit there, he's gotta be lectured by a Navy SEAL on how to withstand torture to fuck Beyonce.

Jim Carrey, right? The Grinch, he actually hated it. But I will, there is a sexual chemistry missing that the first two have, because Beyonce clearly, this was like her, she wants to be in a big franchise, she wants to be in a big franchise, she wants to be a movie star, but it's that thing that happens sometimes

when it's like very famous people trying to sanitize the shit. So it's like clearly they have this weird and non-sexual relationship, and that zaps Austin completely. He actually has lost his mojo more in Goldmember.

It's interracial dating.

Yeah, because, yeah, for whatever. Oh, Scott! Gold member interracial dating because yeah, because yeah for whatever

But the first two are which is the one where he's got the car that's the first one. Okay, that was

I mean amazing The bits in that yeah, also it fucks up Austin Powers for me is like the same thing when you find out Eddie Murphy was supposed to be in Ghostbusters You find out Colin Mike Myers wrote Scott Evil for Colin Quinn which is so funny I didn't know that makes so much more sense. He turned it down. Colin Quinn was like I want to be a part of this gay ass movie. I think what he told me is he was like I don't know I got something going on and Mike Myers like I want to put you in this movie he's like nah I don't know but it would have been so much funnier it would have been a 30 year old guy from Brooklyn being like, I don't know, I love you dad.

It makes so much, the character makes so much more sense if he's older.

If he's like, I can just go get my gun, come down here and we shoot them both.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like that's so much funnier to me.

Do you think if now, would we have ever gotten Robot Chicken without Seth Green's juice from being-

He was doing fine. Seth Green was in Airborne, the rollerblading movie.

Was he in comedy movies before Awesome Powers?

I think he was in that teen movie.

He was on Buffy.

He was on Buffy, but he was doing shit. Seth Green has been working.

What was that movie where he was doing stuff?

But was he like a comedy guy before that?

He was what?

I feel like he's that teen movie Sagalow style white rapper? Yo, first off, don't put Special K in Sagalow. Can you tell him to stop rapping so much?

I will. I'll pull the reins.

Can you tell him to just be like, look, Sagalow, one a week max.

I need to hear Cesar Milano.

I go, hey,

too many bars.

You get 32 bars a month.

It's so awesome how much he legit wants to be a white rapper. I didn't know this was happening. Dude, he's the man. He is good.

He's good.

He's technically good at it, but you gotta dole those out slower.

Yeah.

Distribution.

Just from a friend.

Yeah, friend to friend.

I'm rooting for him.

I'm just.

Oh, but you're talking about Can't Hardly Wait.

Can't Hardly Wait. Great movie. But I feel like he was like a supporting comedic like teen

Yeah, but not like an over-the-top. No probably not yeah, yeah, but robot chicken rules

So do you think that happens because of Austin Powers? He's got a lot of juice I'm saying if if you're not Scott evil. Do you have the juice probably not I don't think I wouldn't trust him So unfortunately for Colin. You know we would have got a couple more sometimes tough crowds That's interesting. Honestly, I would rather have Colin done it. And Robot Chicken really is the thing that you watch when the thing on Adult Swim

that you actually wanted to watch was over.

Your American dad's over.

You're like, I'll watch seven minutes of fucking.

It's fun.

Robot Chicken while I'm fucking high. I watch Optimus Prime, you know. Yeah, in therapy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why.

I was touched. I want to go back and watch Goldmember though to see Beyonce have no sexual chemistry.

You should watch it and report back. And honestly, we all thought, we watched it on the bus. It was the final movie we watched, the end of the tour.

The driver too?

Yeah, the driver.

What's going on, man? Looking back. The cops are like, so you were watching Goldmember.

There's no sexual chemistry.

80 dead.

Yeah, fucking Stobbs is going to get Tracy Morgan, but it's by a company with no money.

Yeah, dude, fuck, that would suck.

They're going to sue you. Yeah. They're like, we no money. Yeah, dude, fuck, that would suck. They're gonna sue you.

Yeah.

They're like, we got him.

Fuck, dude.

I've been loving these dash cam videos of the Sikh truck drivers.

I haven't been following, what's going on?

Oh, man, there's like three accidents now where the first one was hilarious. It's like the Sikh guy just tries to make a U-turn on the highway. It's crazy. And then his body is just in the truck for some reason. I didn't know you're allowed to bring your friend with you overseas driving from what I've watched on the internet. It's a buddy system. Well, they do that here. There's a seat guy and he's like just trying to make an illegal

U turn on the highway and yeah, and he turns from the right hand lane on the and then the Vinny van comes through and decapitates like the whole family and it goes under and he's just like now and there's been a couple more where they just kill like 100 people. Yeah, a big pile up. Just why just I think I don't know you've met Sikh guys are all like just so chill they are pretty chill

I think there may be too chill to drive a semi. That's true. They are chill Yeah, I think of them. Are they the ones that carry the swords? The dagger. Yes. It's a dagger

Every Sikh guy is a warrior. You know what I found out recently? You know Yemeni guys, they have that thing in their belt? It's a sword. I thought it was a paintbrush.

In case they just had to bust out an oil.

It looks like a paintbrush.

Or baste some chicken.

If you look at, yeah.

I was trying to baste a roast recently and I didn't have a brush. I was love that. You wanna glaze something? I wanna do an egg wash over a fucking, I made some Greek yogurt bagels and I had no paint brush, it pissed me off. So I might start doing that shit.

You get into painting?

Yeah.

I get into painting through egg washes and buttering.

Have you watched Stavros Watercolor? A motherfucking biscuit?

Jesus.

Just going to Home Depot to get the long roller to do a buffet

I can

at a restaurant while it's coming to you from the kitchen.

hitting the Expo

from your booth. What I like is Stavros goes to the action.

So they have a sword, huh? You many guys, they have well well seeks do seeks have a dagger where do they keep it?

Yes, that would be cool or in their sleeve

That's it James Bond villain that is yeah, we're Austin Powers villain yeah, Will Ferrell and Yeah, no he was wearing a fez.

Fez.

With one of the little fucking caps.

What was it, why did, so why did the Shriners, who are the Shriners and why did they have fezes? Because fez is Morocco right?

Yeah.

That's like a pretty small country.

And then they drive the tiny cars. I only know the jokes from The Simpsons. I don't know. Yeah, me too. That's the only... Shriners, is that the one with the... I thought that's the one with the kids. There used to be three of them, and then the youngest one just murdered his father. Which? The Shriners? It was Carl and Rob. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Shriver. And the youngest one, I think...

I thought you were talking about those kids. Carl Reiner.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Dude, in my mind, I thought you were talking about the sick kids that come on. Who are those commercials? Those are Shriners, right?

Didn't we talk about that at one point? Because they're, yeah, they're sick kids and then they had, that's St. Jude's Hospital. That's what I thought, Calvin Carl Reiner. that one of the guys, one of the kids, like was this amazing presenter. And so it came off like it was very like uncanny watching this boy who's like disabled be like, we need all the support.

He still does it.

He still does cursory.

He goes, this Christmas.

Yeah. He's got like that voice that's like slightly handicapped. Where he's like, don't forget this Christmas.

And you go, I don't, I don't like this. He could be doing, he could be doing the golden globes. Yeah. He's like Barack Obama. He has that level of charisma.

Real quick. What have you been typing over there? Cause you look like you're doing stuff. We asked eight fucking questions. God forbid you look up one thing. Uh, what, wait, what

Shriver's wait, what Shriver's I looked up. I looked up the Wolf Feral Fez thing. What? That's the thing you looked up? The thing we knew about? Shriners, you motherfucker.

What are the Shriners? Was that an Austin Powers? No. What the fuck have you been doing?

It's the Simpsons. I don't want to sit on this. Sh Shriver, you're a fucking idiot. I looked up Maria Shriver.

Yeah, yeah.

Shout out to her.

Yeah, that kid though, you're right. He does have Obama like, if you could save me.

We need all the help we can get. And he's in like one of those high wheelchairs. Yeah. They just stack them up.

I can reach stuff. That seems unsafe. To be that stacked?

Yeah, they're always like way up here and then it's like half the wheelchair is like battery I guess.

Half man, half machine.

You're kind of strapped in almost.

I don't know why they didn't do that from the beginning with wheelchair. I changed my mind. They should have big wheels and they should all be, eye level should be six too if you're in a wheelchair. Oh, that's very smart. People would respect disabled people more. We wouldn't have needed COVID to respect disabled people.

I think they'd fear them.

Yeah, because you could crush a foot with your big ass.

You should be like the black guy from Twisted Metal.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Axl, he's a black guy with wheels as arms.

Yeah.

Oh, he has wheels as arms? Yeah. Arms yeah, there's no sweet tooth clown. Yeah the ice cream truck one. Yeah, he's the most popular from that yeah He's like he's definitely an icon. They had they made a twisted metal on peacock Shout out to Mike Mitchell friend of the pod. He's on it a show stew It doesn't feel like he's in the games. It's the guy named Stu mm-hmm

Well, they have they made a game in a long time

They made a show that was like the first PlayStation game PlayStation 1 play to us metal. It scared me I was like he's fucking evil his heads on fire I know sweet tooth his fucking backstory is that like his head was on fire because of Satan or something and then he got he got cured and The the priest who cured him or whoever cured him was like, okay.

They change it up, because I played Twisted Metal 1 and 2 and then Black. And Black was like the goth one. Okay. Where they're all in a mental institution.

Oh, interesting. Well, what happened to him is he gets the cure and then they're like, all right, you can have the cure now. The only thing is you can't kill anyone else and then Sweet Tooth was like, so I fucking killed him. I can never not kill and I was like, ah! I was like, as a child, I was like,

oh my God, this man is pure evil!

How could you pick him?

He was cured and he killed the guy who saved him?

Would you have friends pick him? And you're like, don't do that.

I'd be like scared as fuck. And honestly, I was not like young either. I was like 12 or 13.

I was much too old to be scared.

Were your dads disappointed by your fear? What the fuck are you afraid of, dude?

It's a clown. I remember in the second one, you could blow up the Eiffel Tower. Really? That was cool in the second one, yeah.

Take that, France. There was a trick to do it. Yeah, no, that was the best part. Yeah. It's like there was a code.

French code. What did we ever do to anybody? They always get picked on to the point that they're like, we lost World War II very badly.

Yeah, but they like gave up World War II. And then the Nazis came in and the British were like, please fight the Nazis.

And the French were like, no. And the French were holding their assholes open. They were in the middle of bending over and being like, put it in here.

Because of the-

You can goose step right into my asshole.

Put as much schnitzel in my asshole as you want. Europe would have been fucking lost.

If it was, was it Dunkirk? Yeah. And that, you know, they could have,

the Germans could have just fucking killed the rest of the British, but it was the French that like gave up before that. Pussy ass motherfuckers.

Damn.

And then they just became,

Then they became Nazis.

They were like, oh, I guess we're Nazis now. That's why all their shit is still there. That's why all their cool shit isn't bombed. England had a bunch of cool shit, but they were like, fuck you, Germany. I get the more I respect the except for you know, they Jimmy Seville except for Jimmy's after finding out about Jerry Seville and Gary Glitter. I respect the

British.

On a goal.

I do not respect them because of their

what you said. What Nick and I are picking up. I don't really you said the only mark against the British is that is putting Beyonce in the beloved Austin Powers series.

Which is sexual role.

Which is ruin the sexual element of the movie.

When it was a chain-smoking British whore, I said I could jack off to this. I stand by that sentiment. It did ruin the sexual element of Austin Powers. When it was a raspy skeleton covered in nicoderm patches. I could jack off to that. No, no. A red bone woman? No, no. Beyonce is hot. What is this, Pocahontas? It's not about her body, it's about her attitude. Get your modern Disney classic out of my face. And I would like to say both Heather Graham and the other bitch Heather, who's the first

one? Elizabeth Hurley. Both of them are also hot. Okay. When I see her it makes me want to Elizabeth Hurley. I started Elizabeth Hurley. Because she's so disgusting. Because she's a woman? No. Because you're gay? No. That's what you also do show me that pussy. I'm about the Elizabeth Hurley oh guys outside. He's going to go have sex with him. Nick's boyfriend, Nick's boyfriend, there's women outside. That's why I

left. There was women out there.

He's back in the seeks are after him.

There was no God yeah. We cut the camera, Nick suck that guys off and then we cut it back on. I'll just go back and make it look like a cut.

Please mark mark that

he got acid reflux because of all the come

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and start loving your wireless carrier. Switch now with visible.com, terms apply. See visible.com for plan features and network management details. I don't remember what else we were fucking talking about. What's going on with you, Dan?

We're like due to flee.

Are you gonna be- Because of mom Donnie? What you both did

both? Well, you both brought him into my city. I guess he's

Norman Eric Adams guy. He's Jeffrey Epstein son. Did you see

the wire bill clinton jamboree at his bris? I do. He's muslim dude.

Maga is just saying it's on anything now people it's just any I mean that's crazy Oh mom Donnie's dad pedophile Jeffrey Epstein what's that based on absolutely nothing ever see Luke who's talking well Jeffrey

Epstein was the John Travolta character that came in and raised Zoran yeah no

John Travolta would have been, his real dad would be John Travolta.

No.

The old guy would be.

He's a real dad.

He's a real dad.

Yeah, the old guy. So Epstein would be.

They're saying it's actually his real dad.

Oh, he's like DNA. So he is the old guy from Just Shoot Me. The old guy from Just Shoot Me. off Christy Alley in the beginning of Luke's talking. Which is that's the whole opening scene is him nutting in her.

Is that crazy? Is it nut? Is a cum shot.

The whole opening scene of Luke's talking is just him busting in Christy Alley.

Yeah. And then you see the jizz go in the pussy.

His ass quivering was in the original.

Oh fuck.

Does the jizz have sunglasses on it?

Yeah.

Talking?

Yeah. He's talking? Yeah. Yeah. It's cool Jizz. That's the one you know is gonna make it.

Yeah.

It's Bruce Willis.

They offered Colin the role of the Jizz.

He goes, you know, I don't know, I'd prefer probably, you know, running down a thigh.

45 minutes of Jizz explaining the Declaration of Independence.

You know, we the people, which is interesting because they had people working for him. This fucking, this sperm knows a lot about American history.

Yeah, it's called Talking Cum. Yeah, that good movie, Look Who's Talking, by the way.

Great franchise. They moved it to the dogs. They made the dogs sentient beings.

I never saw Look Who's Talking.

I remember that as a youth. Yeah, that was Kirstie Alley's like...

What's funny is the second one, the little girl is Roseanne. So I would rather them, if they reboot that, they better keep Roseanne and let her go off

script.

Let her go off script, yeah, yeah.

Bro, I'm just confused. I thought you meant a young Roseanne was playing a girl.

A child? No, no, no. She was the voiceover of a baby. Bruce Willis was the first app. And then he came back for the sequel and his little sister was voiced by Roseanne.

Yeah. Bruce Willis has like really bad Alzheimer's. Yeah. So how about just filming him in a wheelchair wherever he is. I don't want no more.

And it's called Help, Who's Talking?

I want pudding.

I want pudding.

I don't want no more.

Die early at Christmas.

I have a poop in my pants and I want pudding.

I don't know why. And Demi Moore signed off on this?

The kids and Demi signed off on this?

I believe they did.

I believe they did.

Who's talking is so fucking funny. I think it's his wife that's doing it.

Yeah, that's honestly, if you're, look, it's not good, but like rich as hell with dementia. It's like you get to be a baby

I think about Jack Nicholson all the time every day I check to see if he's dead yet because if he's not he's just like in a room somewhere with hits watching

But he eats like fucking meatball sobs. Yeah, dick suck. Do you see what he pops up and his hair is fucking wide

He's like yeah

Kind of the best way to die like he and you by the way going see now It's nicer than knowing what's going on. Well, you don't worry about the future

I think the best way to die is probably being killed by in Israeli f-35 while you're shooting up a synagogue

Yeah

Views are not representative of Stavis world. After that.

Then it's rich.

Yeah.

But you know what? Screaming, screaming Takbir while shooting up the synagogue.

And then you get drone striked. The equalizer about Dementia is everybody gets to be Bruce Willis.

Is that the premise of the movie?

Of the equalizer?

Is the, yeah, it's Dementia. Yeah. Denzel forgets where he is. Denzel's just a regular black guy that went crazy. Or he just lost it and they told him that he was a badass.

Do you know where the hell I am?

He goes, you're not my son.

Do you know where I am, Jake?

Jake, do you know where I am?

I don't know where I am Jake. I'm very lost and I'm very sad. Where's Jake?

He's at Home Depot where he works.

Where's Jake? Where's Jake?

I didn't know you liked to get wet. Maurice, do not talk to me like that.

He's just sitting in the checkout girl. I didn't know you liked to get wet.

What's the one where he's the bodyguard for the little girl? Man on Fire. Man on Fire, yeah.

I wish you had more time, but he's insane.

He's just a rapper.

Shout out to Creasy.

That movie's good.

That movie's incredible. Dude, that movie's incredible, and the like, if you really wanna just put your nuts on the table, just go ahead and skip the first hour. Just watch him. Man on fire. Just watch him. Watch him go off. Just watch him do revenge, dude. Although the him in fucking, the scenes with him and Christopher Walken.

Oh yeah.

So fucking good.

That's where Christopher Walken though gave up. Started becoming the character.

I told you, my name isn't Jake.

Yeah.

I've told you a million times.

We were in the CIA together. Does your daughter know you're out of the house? You wandered down here.

I can show you the ring cam. You're telling me a little girl went missing.

And you're gonna fight the cartel. You work in the lumber yard of Home Depot. He's just a mishmash. Jake, he's doing the Jake thing again.

Yeah, yeah. What if I am the guy who knows who Jake is?

You might have been a former enemy and now I'm keeping secrets from you. Yeah, Christopher Walken's like Pacino. He gave up in one movie. Like I forget which movie it is.

It's not Man on Fire, he's good in Man on Fire. I don't think Pacino actually gave up. I re-watched The Irishman the other day. He's great in that.

Well, he's great in everything, but I watched the special features for The Irishman, and they have a round table that's like De Niro and Pacino and...

Pesci?

Pesci, yeah. And Scorsese, and they're all talking. Oh,, yeah. So it's like, oh, that is a performance. I thought he just did himself, but no.

The best part about him is he's still nutting inside a 20 whatever year.

Like he just had a baby with him.

He just had a fucking kid.

28 year old.

It's crazy. You're still nutting, raw dogging? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He texts his son. He's like, sometimes I text him. He's a fucking baby. That's crazy.

When you grow up and you're like, why did you let him have me?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh dude, you gotta be so mad at your mom.

By the way, he's not even gonna touch the estate.

Yeah, I wonder how many kids,

check out how many kids he has.

What's the Pacino range?

De Niro's range is long. I think he also recently had a kind of a kid. But Pacino, I don't know. But all his kids are like black, right? Seven kids. Aren't De Niro's kids all black? I think, I believe so. So they don't expect to have a father in it.

I think they might expect it. That's why he goes, that's why I did'm playing chess. I have a lot of kids. They don't expect me to be there. It's kind of a move. No one knew that's why I was doing it. Hats off.

I don't like him.

Pacino, seven kids with who?

Oh, I looked up the narrow.

Well, that's a lot of kids. Seven.

Seven's tough.

I bet it's less than, I bet Pacino has less.

Pacino has four.

Okay. What are the age ranges though?

Like four to 73.

Like two years old, yeah, like.

The oldest is born 89. Okay. Okay.

Julie Marie Pacino.

36.

And my age.

That's quick math.

Oh, you cheated.

Oh, that's funny You're pretending. You're trying to think of which way he did it. I was like

Okay, then we got Anton James Pacino Anton 2001 twins with Pacino and then Roman Pacino who was

Roman is the little guy? Yeah. Who's the... Who do you have this first kid with?

A baby shouldn't be named Roman.

No.

The fuck?

That should be, if anything, given to you in the older age.

Yeah. You should have to kill your older brother to take his name.

Roman the first.

Yeah.

Roman Pacino is a great name though.

Roman Pacino is great. And that's, it's also setting him up that that kid could suck. Oh, for sure. Growing up the kid.

He's gonna top out at 4'11".

Well, he's gonna be a white rapper.

He's gonna be like a white rapper, but also Wolverine. So he's gonna be hairy and small and just ferocious.

Yeah, I like that.

He'll do nothing until he hits 50 and he'll open a bar across the street.

You've never been to Pacino's?

Oh dude, some guy 50 years from now, opening a bar called Pacino's. His dad's been dead for 40 years.

We put on Serpico and everyone watched.

He takes voice training lessons like his dad.

Can you teach me how to speak like him? I'm watching his movies. I said, we got a drink special because my dad nutted in my mom.

He's got to go to Governor's and find some fucking dumb Italian that does a Puccino impression.

Is that real trans people take voice training? I believe so, yeah. That seems like the biggest scam.

Because that's got gonna be a new business

And there's some people are just tricking trans people into signing up for lessons. They probably don't need I believe because you can't get a Lower voice I think about the scene with so even when you become you look like a sexually if you had a deep-ass voice and then Well, yeah, but they just go to somebody that's like, no, more like this. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm wondering is, is it the scene where,

have you ever seen the scene where Richard Pryor teaches Gene Wilder how to be cool in any which way but up, where he's like, yeah, now get bass in your voice. Is that what they do, where they go like?

Yeah, but the other way. But there's, you know. It's a miscongeniality when Stanley Tucci teaches. Oh, because I was thinking women transitioning to men

and the guy goes, hey dude, and they go, I can't hit it.

Yeah, I think the T does a lot of the work going that way.

You're saying the opposite way. You gotta brighten it up.

You gotta brighten it up. It's more difficult. I'm sure voice training, did you ever know, I feel like you would meet kids who would pretend to have a deep voice, and then one day it just stuck.

I just always had, because my mom has a deep voice.

I don't feel like you're, there's nothing about you

that's real fake.

I used to call my friends when I was a kid in fifth grade and be like, because you'd call to see if they'd come out and hang out, and I remember calling my, Louis, I hope you're all right. Shout out to Louis. And I called his house and his mom was like, I was like, is Louis there? And she's like, who is this? Like, you know, not in a way that I've never heard.

Oh, really?

Being like, who is this?

She's just trying to fuck somebody on the phone.

Your mom's, his mom's an Indian man.

Yeah. What are you doing later? Yeah, please come over to me. Louis is busy. I are looking for Louis or me for you, sir, but I was like, Oh, no, it's Dan and she was like, Oh, I thought it was you were one of Louis football coaches. Like Dan, did you ever use that? Did

you ever do any hijinks? Oh yeah, phone breaks all the time, breaking people. I used to hate that when you'd

like you'll be telemarketers something that would call yeah and they'd be

like

right. I like to know I'm a man, I'm a boy. I just I just started I started pissing into the receiving

my can you hear my penis

sir you're breaking up the phone. Are you peeing in the receiver? Yeah, I would call

Toys R Us to see if they had toys and then pick up on hold and go. The child can do that. I don't know. They go, they send the cops to your house to arrest a. You're checking

if they have gambit. You're a. No one's searching for gambit with the heavy leather jacket. No respect. I loved gambit, but I used to call Toys R Us and when they'd pick up.

That's the Cajun X-Man?

Yeah.

That's the...

Mon Cherie.

What did he say? The sex stuff X-Man.

Yeah.

Yeah. He would make a playing card on fire. thing, because he wanted to fuck the lady that you couldn't touch. She'd kill you. Yeah. So he had to. I would do it anyways. If you were a condom, couldn't you fuck her?

That's a great question. She doesn't kill you immediately. It's like you have your power. So if you bust like right away, you're gonna be like a prude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, windexing your dig. That's awesome, dude. If that's your girlfriend, you could just not immediately be like, well, I die. Oh, you want me to die, bitch? I can't. I literally can't eat your pussy because I'll die. My mouth

will stop. You have to suck me off immediately. I'll melt like one of the fucking Nazis in Indiana Jones. If I suck your pussy. But I feel like with a condom, you should be able to fuck her.

Professor X is like, her only weakness is if you cum fast.

Better than a man and now.

That's me shooting up. It's the regular X-Men and then me just fucking

putting on sweatpants shorts.

What's the rumor where Professor X, like all the, his mind is everywhere. So he's like in that place and then Rogue comes in and he turns around to see her and he's like, hey, and then it's just her pussy and tits all over the place. And he's like, what's going on?

And then for a second, it's like some fat old lady.

Dead puppy. It's like some fat old lady.

right. The baseball bat turns into his day. I should take this off.

He does. It's like his whole body going into she's a giant and he's just being stuffed in her pussy in the wheel.

I'm in the wheel. I'm in the chair. No, I'm in the chair.

Fuck fuck fuck. Yeah, yeah. Black for shitty legs just being

like wet spaghetti.

She's just fucking putting him in there. Yeah, like a dildo.

When he has that when he has that helmet on, it's his search

history. She's like, Tuesday is laundry day. He's like,

yeah, I just wanted to know what y'all keep your biscuits. Oh, you startled me rogue.

And then storm comes in, but he's not sexually attracted to her. Yeah, right.

It's not just says gold members suck.

Don't say the N word. Don't say the N word. It just has the N word in the big red circle.

Like a full N word.

But it says it. It has the red circle through it.

Professor.

She's like, oh, should I come back? He's like, no, I shouldn't say it.

No, no, no.

You're allowed in here.

It's just a reminder for myself.

No. Oh, I'm sorry storm. You weren't supposed to see that rogue didn't tell you about my fantasies. How about they're like

storm? Can you pick up groceries and so she creates a hurricane so she can go loot the groceries.

To waiting with a few money for waiting with a door and all the doors all the groceries. Professor I brought in a TV I didn't ask

Why are there 30 flat screens?

No one

She was fucking sexy. She's so, remember those cards?

I used to jack off to the cards.

To the cards?

The X-Men cards.

I don't remember the cards. This might be slightly generational.

Yeah, it's a little bit older, a little before your time.

My friend had X-Men cards.

What's that?

My friend had X-Men cards.

Yeah, we're trying to remember what the, I definitely was horny for the X-Men, but I don't know if I, if there was ever, if they ever made it to me jacking off to them. Was there ever a, maybe a video, because the video game wasn't such a thing.

Well, the movie, what's her name, plays the blue lady.

But the movie wasn't, it wasn't the same thing.

No, but you don't know the blue lady from the movie. Yes. No, but you know the blue lady from the movie. Yes, Rebecca Romijn. Yes, for sure. Yeah, Rebecca Romijn.

Definitely, I believe there was footage of her getting into the, like being body painted.

Damn, dude, I bet BTS did it for young stuff.

Absolutely, not only that, I'll tell you one further. I then, in my rotation, was body paint porn.

Really? Well, Sports Illust illustrated did a whole thing for a couple years They have a swimsuit edition where girls were just naked with body paint on yeah

Interesting there was a very specific. I gotta be awesome if you're colorblind. Yeah, it's just porn

Just gonna look so little weird sure I have dog eyes, but look at this

Smell like a dog. You should be able to get dog scent.

That's what I said, you're like an osmic now.

Oh yeah, you can't smell at all.

I didn't know that. I don't think you told me that.

I've had it for a while.

You said it was COVID, I mean, I got sick again recently and I couldn't smell, but the first time it happened, I couldn't smell for like two days and I was like really

upset about it. Yeah. My shit got so dulled out because of smoking for so long. You were ready to go. That when it happened, I was just kind of like, I guess it isn't there,

but it does.

What if there's a gas leak?

I'm going gonna die. Yeah, don't. You gotta fix that. Yeah, people have been reaching out with like... There's like therapies you can do to like bring it back. Well, that's what I did. When I got sick, mine went away. I just, I got all the

spices out of the cabinet and I would just keep smelling them. Yeah, you have to think about it. It's like bringing back the force. You have to be forced in there like. I have to go to an island. I have to go to an island and find Luke Skywalker

just to smell this stinky ass city again.

Yeah, but you're pumped.

You don't even wanna smell.

I mean, Katie literally is like my smelling nose lady. Like I go to her and I lost both when I had it. Yeah I lost both but my taste came back but just a little dulled. Okay all right. Yeah. Well yeah you know you can't smell

well now you're a you're a to be married man you don't have to worry about strange stinky pussies. Nope. But that's a positive if you're a young man who's, you know, who knows what kind of...

Yeah, but there's stuff like, it's like, you know, like your mom's perfume or stuff like that you might smell in the future and you're like, oh...

It'll get your dick hard.

Yeah, my...

Yeah, that or, you know, like... Yo, what's that, your grandma's perfume. No, you probably have nice memories that are now inaccessible that you don't even fucking know about.

That is the point.

Great times in your life, because a lot of memories attach to a scent.

There's a, yeah, a smell.

I might bring it back.

Do you think you have that capability?

They've been doing a lot of studies. They've been saying there's like medications that can bring it back now. Interesting. You're getting real good at targeting areas of the brain. I think doing the spice thing. Yeah. Born on 4th of July.

Yeah, Todd Prince. We're in the beginning where he's paralyzed and he's in the hospital and he's like, I'm gonna fucking walk again. Yeah.

And then he snaps his legs and he gets too excited.

Yeah.

That would be me. Yeah. He's like, I don't think I need it right now.

It's more that I don't want it, but I'm gonna-

I respect that.

I'm gonna-

I would be freaking the fuck out if I lost a sense. Yeah.

A sense.

And you're like- Yeah, but my shit was always dulled cause of smoking.

Yeah. That shit really upsets me. One of my eyes went I don't know if I had- You had googly eyes? No, my vision had been stable and then I had a bad eye infection in this eye. And then, I don't know, it was like a sty and then it became infected.

It was called the paraorbital cellulitis. I had to take antibiotics. This was years ago. But it was like, like a filter went over and I couldn't read anything. And then I got a fucking eye exam

and this eye had like dropped off. So there's jizz in your eye.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, that thin layer of the filter was just jizz.

You have almost a force field of cum around your eye.

But that shit made me really sad. I was like, and I'm looking online, I'm like, can you do exercises to bring, yeah.

There was like times I gave up hope. There was like frustrating shit where I was like, dude, I have to be able to, and then I would pull my nose out like this. That was the only time I was able to smell nail polish.

You're making fun of me for the spices Tokyo after the summer? Dude, I swear to God, I went to- There's no way that's the answer, is pulling your nose out. I think I like pulling your nose more. No, you're teaming up against me for no reason.

Pulling your nose.

Spices is better.

Spices is better. Okay, I'll give you that.

Okay, spices, but not thinking you can think

your way back to having fucking smell. It's the same brain. By the way, his science isn't that awful. I like tugging nose. Tugging nose makes more sense.

I do my own science and I'm always right.

Yeah.

That's how he fixed his eye.

Well, I'm very scared that I'm just fucked because of my back. I was telling you guys before, but yeah, I just was fucking dead lifting, not even a lot of weight, and I just twe some shit and it just has not, I wake up every morning in excruciating pain for like three hours.

You need to read that book that cured Howard Stern's back.

You gotta get on Louis Simmons, dude.

Who's Louis Simmons?

Louis Simmons was the guy that ran West Side Barbell, but he like broke his fucking back. And then, have you seen West Side versus the World?

No.

Oh, you should watch it. You'd like it. Is there a documentary? Yeah. It's like pumping iron and West Side vs. the World. It was the two best. Okay. Yeah, but West Side vs. the World is all about Louis Simmons and his gym. The powerlifting gym in Ohio. I think it's still there, but it's like invite only and it's just a garage and it's like they set a bunch of records, I guess, in the late 90s and early 2000s, but Louis Simmons broke his back, and then he's a welder, so he invented like the rehab machine that he used to fix his back.

That's the most manly shit I've ever heard in my life. Breaking your back and then welding your thing that heals you.

I'm just sitting here, I'm like in a fucking like an Epsom salt bath being like, ah, my back hurts. I need more DoorDash. I need more door dash. I need more door dash. I have to I have to get to my job where I pretend to be a working class tire salesman.

Tomorrow.

I know I'm not actually a tire salesman, but I need so much beans.

That's literally what this last fucking month has been like. I've been, how am I ever going to pretend to be a horny tire wreck?

Maybe I'll bring it to the character.

You could get into pills too. You could become a pill head.

Dude, believe me. Brother, that's how most people get trapped in pills.

I'm very scared of that.

Oh yeah, I know. That's why I'm suggesting it.

No, no, I'm really I've been really worried about that. I've been keeping them at bay. I only use them like I'm only using like a couple times

during here somewhere in this bar. I'm not telling you.

If I walk towards it, would you do hot cold? If your friend Nick got up and walked around, maybe shout out a hotter or

colder once in a while, I got into, you know, we would get like Kratom for free on the old show. Of course. It's always kind of gross to me, but then when I got surgery a couple years ago and I used the Kratom to extend how long I was on painkillers. And then I had this thing. Kratom's very interesting. Well, if you do enough of it, it's like a Perc up with recipes for like biscotti. Yeah. A biscotti ice cream.

I never thought of that.

I was doing this for a while.

Both of those will work for me.

You guys have bills?

Bills and ice cream.

You guys have bills of that.

Now I'm in heaven, brother.

I was doing this thing for a while where I would sit at home and I would have like six or seven non-alcoholic beers something like I'm sober. I just fucked up literally tricking your really.

Your brains like what's going on? It's not the same feeling. Yeah,

that was that was awesome.

That's like indoor skydiving for

drinking just sitting there watching my girlfriend friend play Hogwarts legacy, like anything to be drunk. Good job.

Good job. I just had a

zero. I feel great. We're having a great night inside.

That's so fucking sad.

You gotta call Lewis to get more creative.

I miss the vegan alcoholic so much that you're fucking redoing the shitty parts of it. You're just drunk on your couch.

Yeah, a thousand calories of Stella zeros.

That's so fucking funny.

They don't even taste that good.

They taste good. After like two or three though.

After three, they're bad. I went to a Fourth of July barbecue with Shane and I drank a 12 pack of Heine Zeros.

12.

But those are good though. I like them. I like them, but six was too much.

Yeah, I'd top out at like three of those. For a barbecue when you wanna just fucking.

There were shotgun and beers drinking and I was like, I should have fucking.

Shotgunning NAs is that's.

A beer bug the fucking.

That's like something the chess club does.

Yeah, yeah.

But I needed it.

I needed to like, it was like a sex doll. I like needed it. I was gonna fucking act doll. I needed it. I was good to fucking act out. If I was in a really dark place, I was going to don't judge my child.

I need it. Hey, I'm Shane. Could you still those guys? That was real beer.

I was like, I don't give a shit, dude. I'll take three edibles. I was doing what Nick was doing. Just displacement. Hey, Shane,

if post Malone asked, that was real beer. Hey, if George Kittle asks, what a pork porn here,

he's so much real beer.

Post Malone's sitting there getting a temporary tattoo.

Yeah. Hey, me too, I got stuff on my face too.

Oh fuck, Elders, is it about time we gave a little wisdom to the listeners, Elders? Yeah. Wonderful. And by the way, here, we should say, Dan, you are in the middle of a tour.

Yeah, Golden Retriever of Comedy Tour on sale.

This will come out March probably.

Yeah, dansorter.com, March and April are the final months of it.

Perfect, go see Dan.

Nick, you said, we were talking,

you said you're back on the road, baby? Well, I just bought a RAV4 just driving.

Driving places is awesome.

Driving places is the best.

I realized it.

You just did Philly, it was awesome.

I had a flight, for some reason it's like on Saturdays I'm like anxious about the shows, even though it's the end of the week. Really? And then it took me until now to realize and I get, even before I go on the road, it's like, I think, oh, why am I nervous? And it's just, I hate, I'm gonna fuck up. I'm not gonna get to the airport on time.

Dude, and that also, especially with government shutdowns possibly happening again, it's like one of those things where you're like, I might not make it, and the stress of not making it to a fucking faraway city because people are like, you've been promoting it for a fucking year. You've just been begging people like, come out. There's going to be, and you're like, cause I can't fly there.

Yeah. We fucking drove back from Greensboro.

We, we fucking, South Carolina, 10 hours. Yeah.

What was it? 10. It was like six hours to Baltimore.

And then we like stayed. Yeah. We literally stayed for like four hours.

Grand theft auto save point. Dude, that's great. I forgot you have that. We slept for like three and a half hours

and then got back to New York.

Yeah. That's great, though.

But it was a fucking hilarious ride. We saw a, we were talking about the truck drivers earlier. We saw literally a guy was, he had parked his truck in maybe the worst spot possible. And we were like it was like there was like a detour off a highway, and we needed to like go around to shit We're like what the fuck is that guy got in there? He was getting sucked off by a lot lizard, and then as we said that like a disheveled woman comes It is like telling he's like doing

Helping him back up so yeah like cross through

Oh, she's like sorry I had to come out here and scratch the come out of my pussy

So go see the golden retriever of comedy go see Mo the mulled dog when he when he throws some stuff up there and We got some great stuff at this point probably great Radio City's coming up Come on, do a Radio City March 25th fucking Fuckin' A. 28th? 28th. March 28th. Come by. Come hang. You know you gotta check out there, maybe you'll like this, in the back there they got a like it's the original machine from like the 1930s.

It controls all the... Really? The fuckin' you know the, I don't know, ropes, wires.

Oh shit really? Yeah. That's fuckin' awesome. It controls the curtains and the fuckin'... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking awesome. If you chose the curtains and the fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do they still use it or it's just like... I think they still use it. That's fucking awesome. I'm excited.

No, that's fucking... I can't fucking wait. That's mad ghost territory.

Oh, that's ghosted up.

That's Phantom of the Opera. Oh, is it?

I'm sure. ghost to like perform. He goes to the model, just doing rage, just doing black face. It's like if it's a ghost, well, nineteen ten, it's just so offensive that they're not allowed in hell.

Satan's like Jesus Christ, do some taste.

I mean I'm evil, but I like good stuff. Satan's pissed because he gets all the...

That's true. Satan doesn't necessarily have to have bad taste.

I stole rock and roll from black people. Can I grab another seltzer real quick? Yeah, please. Do you want a zero?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Eldest will get it.

Yeah.

Can you get me a fucking root beer while you're at it?

Yeah, I'm sure we're gonna get it.

Gotta pull up the advice.

Yeah, I'll just pull up some fucking advice.

So what do you, did you get like a...

Ah, folks, when I need the perfect beverage for any time of year that goes down smooth as hell, that's 5% alcohol per volume brewed with real iced tea. You freaking know I'm freaking talking about twisted tea. Ooh, baby, whether I'm catching the game, washing down some buffalo sauce, watching the big game with the fellas, or if I'm just having a contemplative moment

outside, the breeze in my hair, I'm thinking about all my wins and losses, you know what I want? We wanna be sucking down a nice twisted tea. What are you gonna do this weekend? I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna get together with the fellows or the gals, maybe a nice mixed party, and you guys are gonna crack open a delicious twisted tea, and you're gonna say, mm, is that brewed with real iced tea? And somebody else is gonna be like, yes, of course.

Haven't you heard the advertisement on Stavi's World where they mention it twice? And they're gonna say, damn, this goes down smooth as hell. You know what I feel like doing? I feel like keeping it twisted. That's right what I want you to do folks Now that the weather's getting nice go outside

Grab a refreshing twisted tea today and always remember Keep it twisted. That's right finish with some fucking calls LD. Yeah, can I hit the oney of course? Oh, yeah go crazy

Damn I've had like nine coffees today.

Elvis, where's the fucking call you dunce? Yeah, I fucking said it three times.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Stavie, hi Elvis and esteemed guests. I'll try to get this quick. I blew two discs in my lumbar spine when I was like 25, had surgery, was good to go. A couple weeks ago I was in a lot of pain, got an MRI. Turns out it's degenerative disc disease and I blew two more and they'll just continue to get worse. It's manageable but my career path is mobile mechanic run my own business I make money but at

this point now where I've got decide do I change career path well quick answer

real quick immobile mmm that's true bring your car yeah you jack your car. Yeah, you jack your car up. You bring it to my house put my hands on the car for me

Wheel me under this

And I'll give a glimpse

Get a wheelchair and replace the car. Yeah, I'll be your car. You can run people can ride you know my lap That's fucking brutal so this guy figured out his back is just fucked.

He has degenerative

disc disorder.

Disease.

I guess I don't know what that is.

Hopefully.

Is that what you have?

Does it make you feel like a pussy? Hearing a guy that's got like, like you got back problems. This guy's got like.

This guy is the character you're playing.

Yes.

This is.

Yeah. He's like I sell tires. I sell tires at this place I'm a manager.

And you go what the fuck? It would have been awesome if you were supposed to be a mechanic and then you showed up you're like I'm gonna need a chair. I'm gonna need a chair to sit in.

Uh yeah dude I mean you're pretty, that sucks, Dick. He's basically just saying he needs to change his career.

Is that? Yeah, he's wondering if he should seriously reconsider

pursuing a different career. He should learn how to use chat to EP to do coding for him. That's my advice to everybody. Find some no find something that you are completely dispassionate about that you hate. And then use chat GBT to do that.

Because you're-

It's poorly for you.

It doesn't matter, yeah.

But what would that even fucking be? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Does he have any ideas about what he would do? Or are you just saying, should he? I mean, yes, because if you have that available.

Well, if you were in a vacuum, that'd be awesome.

Yeah.

Can you imagine living in a giant vacuum?

Is it a giant vacuum?

It's a giant vacuum. Maybe a Kirby, that'd be pretty cool.

I'll tell you what, you're in a Dyson, your life's pretty good.

It would be even better if it was haunted and then it's full of fucking dust. I don't wanna be full of dirt and shit. Well, it's a fantasy world we're living in

where you can live in a vacuum.

It's charming in a Disney way. You can use it to fly up.

Why am I coughing? I'm like.

No, at first, but then you become acclimated.

Maybe you're in a different part of the vacuum. Okay.

You might be in the brushes

Stuff gets trapped right yeah, yeah, hmm. I don't know I mean the sensation of being vacuumed that would feel nice

Job no dude. I just want like I don't know feel just to be taken away

You want to be abducted? Being a bug would feel good. Being sucked, your entire body. Your whole body getting sucked would feel good.

I was reading about the-

You don't really get sucked. Your dick is played with a mouth.

I was reading about the-

It's not really a suck job.

The Apollo 1 disaster, you know that story? No. I really only know it from the beginning of Apollo 13, the movie. I don't know shit about it. So it was the first Apollo mission and like just the pre, they were just testing. They were like, get in the cockpit and let's just make sure the radio works.

You know, I thought, you turn the radio on, literally. I immediately see Nick selling a comedic version of Apollo 1 to a streamer, being like,

they've got to learn how to be astronauts. That's what happens. So they put them on the launch pad, they get in the cockpit, and they have to pressurize the cockpit because when it goes into space, it's a fucking vacuum. So they do that on the ground. And at the time, I don't know if they changed it later, they did it with pure oxygen. Okay, and so and there's a recording of the comms right and so they're sitting in there. It's pure oxygen, some wire shorts and then you hear the guy like the guy's like already impatient. He's like how the hell are we going to go to the moon

if we can't even get you know comms working right between two buildings. He's like oh, we got a fire. Bad fire, bad fire. And then like get us out of here and then it just cuts out. But then you hear the other guys because there's so much pressure in there because they pressurized it and it's also pure oxygen. The fire like makes it even more so they got squeezed and burned to death in like 30 seconds, but then there's the other side of the

comms and the other guys like yeah, Mike, can you go check on so fucking the guy that goes being a fucking d. You up there. You got visual

on the guy that always goes stop playing around yeah. You guys playing

around the guys being squeezed and burn, but you got to think like all those guys went to like Korea and World War two. So for them, the first that was sweet for him. That's like that's like nothing is like yeah. They all got get get some more astronauts

We lost three. What do you want me to cry about? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that would be that would suck dick to be number one Though and you're not only do you like to go to space you die in fucking Florida?

So yeah, the smartest guy was like I'll go to Don't you want to be first one? And he goes, no.

No, I don't.

Not really.

Have you guys figured out the old pressure thing?

Well, I never really knew the story. I re-watched Apollo 13 recently and I never picked up on that when I was a kid, but it makes the story so much crazier because it's like these guys are thinking about the other guys that burned to death, and they already know how dangerous this is going to be. And then they go up there and they just get stuck. Like in between Earth and the moon, which was...

You know what though? It does give a layer of more danger.

That's what I mean, because as a kid, I couldn't appreciate Apollo 13.

Yeah, I saw my dad and I remember being like, they got stuck and they got out and get stuck.

Yeah, Who cares? When you're a kid too, you're like, this fucking Han Solo does fucking back flips.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like when you're a kid and you see that.

This guy can't even get it up.

It's like, what are you guys,

you're just, there's right fucking there. That's not scary. You're so fucking jet-packed.

When I was like... And the guy was already walking over, right? The guy was already coming over to let me in. I was crying. Maybe a second and a half had passed before I was urinating and like didn't know what was gonna happen.

You're like, oh no, I hope the two Nigerians from Jesse Smollett don't get me.

Oh, I just went to Subway. Welcome to the country of Maca. Welcome. No, it's welcome to Me- Welcome. This is Maga country.

Where is my meatball sub? Where?

You promised me a six foot on Italian eggs and cheeses.

I wanted a teriyaki chicken. Where is my teriyaki? You do not bring it to me.

It's crazy that's the only good thing on the menu.

The sweet onion chicken teriyaki.

Everything else is bullshit. Because they know it's good. I like the Italian BMT. Nah, dude. Yeah. Sweet onion teriyaki.

Honestly, the meatball sub's not bad either.

It isn't bad.

In a pinch.

In a pinch.

Yeah, but there's never a pinch.

You always have the...

Next question, Elvis. There's never a pinch.

Hold on.

There's never a pinch? What do you mean there's never a pinch? have the sweet onion chicken teriyaki. It's not that good, bro. The fucking meat. Also, sometimes you want something different. You want a meatball. So it's good, but the chicken does kind of suck. That weird. But the flavor is that weird rubbery ass chicken. Fuck subway. I'm not going to want subway though. Yeah, of course. Do you fucking white trash?

I got a subway Thanksgiving sub they had on the menu when me and Stav stopped on the way back from Green's.

That was an old Lenny's thing that they used to do that was great.

Yeah, I mean, I do think it's nice when change do something for a limited time.

I had a night where I was way fucked up on Kratom to the extent that, I wouldn't say I blacked out, but I didn't remember it happening, but I inquired about opening a Blimpies franchise. You know what? I sent an email, and then the next day, I got like, you know, they're like, thank you for looking into opening a Blimpies franchise.

I'm genuinely curious. Blimpies was my favorite.

There's no Blimpies anymore. I didn't say I'm dumb or that this was a bad idea.

I just said that I didn't remember it happening. just said that I didn't remember it. I just said I didn't remember it.

I feel like there's no Blimpies anymore.

Blimpies, if you opened a Blimpies slash Blockbuster in like wherever the Harry Potter store is, yeah, you would be.

No, no, no, it would need to be

in like Ridgewood or some shit.

Yeah.

What the fuck is going on out in Ridgewood. You needed to be like hipster. You just said that like you're a black comic. Yeah man, man, the fuck? Ridgewood, what the fuck's going on? The fuck yeah, well I feel like I've lived in Bed-Stuy long enough now that I can act like that to the people who are moving there now.

I think it's true. You don't belong here. You know what you did? Yeah, they're like, I mean a little bit more than you. Do not as mad at me anymore.

Play another call, LD.

Hey Seth, second shot here because I went way too long in the first try. So long story short, I am having a hard time with my dad since my mom passed away six months ago. It's been a hard time and all that, you know, goes to that thing. Then she passed away, my dad, who's like a deeply, deeply conservative, like Catholic man, Midwestern man, has started hanging out with one of her old friends. Like a lot. It started off sort of low-key that she would like bring him

lunch sometimes but now he's like seeing her like every day after work and my dad went he went to Texas last week because they had some health stuff going on he needed to get some he needed to get some scans and they got a good second opinion down there. My brother and sister-in-law went with him, which we thought was a good idea.

Rogan did ways to well. Which by the way, what's up with stem cells? If anybody knows, inject them into my back.

Oh yeah, dude.

I need them fixed.

Ray Mysterio just took them. He's back in the WWE.

Did he? Fuck, dude. Mysterio's doctor, let me know. That'd be awesome. Having you doing 619s. Having people trapped at the rope.

I kind of feel like we're on, like, and this is going to get conspiratorial, but with all the Epstein stuff coming out and everything, it's going to be like, we're all going to have to make a decision. It's going to be like, okay, it's clear.

Everybody in the government, fuck children. They're all evil. They want to murder an entire race of people. But we now have the technology where everything can be cured, you can live forever, and you're gonna have to make a decision.

Let them do it and take the drugs or don't?

Yeah, kind of.

So you can live...

Whether we get rid of morality and kill God, basically, and then we have immortality. Well, God's dead. Not yet, he's hanging on. I feel like God just hasn't checked in in a while. He's in Iran, he's in Palestine.

Yeah.

He's got a lot on his plate.

A little bit of southern Lebanon in the cave.

A lot on God's plate.

A lot on God's plate right now.

He's not really thinking about the Super Bowl this year.

So would I take the drug to cure everything? Yeah, I just overwrote this guy's question. No, no, we'll get back to your question. My family's dying, I'm like, here's a better one. No, well, listen, his dad's getting new pussy. Not would you take the drug necessarily, but like, would you accept that world? It's like you could have paradise on earth born out of like,

things that violate your principles. We're still, we're just gonna let them get away with everything.

So they're gonna be that and not pay for it.

I don't think I could do that, but I don't know if like...

It is sort of the natural outgrowth of the life you already kind of live, living in the West anyways.

Exactly, true. That's true. That is true. You could argue we're already doing that just by being fucking fucking in America. Mm-hmm. They've cured Being fat from eating too much food. Well, it's still a process then You know, that's easy for you to fucking say over there. You don't Take the shot. Tell me to smell the roses

Sometimes you're so fat you override the shot you throw up because you had too much pizza. Do you have a band-aid tan line?

I do. I think, hold on.

But I don't understand how the middle part still looks like a band-aid.

I don't know what that's from, honestly.

It looks like a band-aid. It looks like you had a tattoo of a band-aid that got

removed. When did I get shots? I'm saying we haven't cured it yet,

but we've made crazy. Are you on the and then are you taking the pill one or the injectable one? The injectable one. Are you gonna switch to the bill? I don't know.

What if they put it in peanut butter and put it in your mouth?

How did I came out with different flavors? Come on, that's a no brainer. Yeah, and half of it should be

placebo pills. Yeah, so they're just getting you to try. That's why they

haven't made him flavor.

We've overdosed. It's like that movie center. Everyone looks like they were cursed by a shaman.

Everyone. All right, back to this fucking guy. So his dad's getting in Texas. They're

going to Texas for a medical appointment, prescription barbecue.

Excuse me. I'm here for the by get first dibs on the brisket. You were supposed to save me the fattiest cup. I doctor said I did it. We could knock this out with a half pound of brisket and some cold bread. Okay, so he's in Texas and what, this bitch went with him?

But he also invited this bitch to come with him as well.

But he also invited this bitch to come with him as well.

And those two stayed with her family. Her family's from Texas. They stayed with her family together.

I mean, what do you want us to do about this?

And my brother and sister-in-law stayed elsewhere. While they were down there, my brother's like calling me and texting me saying, it's fucking weird. We're apparently like holding hands.

Yes.

Dude, what do you think is going,

what is this question?

Can I tell you something right now? As a child of divorce, this guy is irritating me. Because he's going like, why is my dad acting like a man?

My mom, he's, I mean, look, no disrespect.

We get it, your mom died.

No disrespect, but disrespect.

I mean, I get it, but also, how old is he?

I don't think he's specified.

Sounds like he's in his 30s at least.

I will give him, what's weird is that it's his mom's friend right that's fucked up, but also Your dad

Hopefully your dad did not cheat the entire time he was married your mom right so he did not know how to acquire

Outside pussy right your mom dies. I'm sorry may her rest. She rest in peace, but now Yeah, that almost makes more sense. I mean the nexus of their relationship is like grief over this lady. This happens a lot. This is what they used to do when we were settling in the West. Yeah someone dies you marry their friend who's close. You raise your brother's son Jeremiah. Pretend he's your son. Raise a barn. Yeah. And a child. But this literally does feel like some

village type shit. There's there's another little twist detail coming up. This is a longer one.

And like my dad and this woman were like holding hands. My dad told me that he has an angel up in heaven, my mom, but now he has an angel on earth with him as well. It's just freaking weirding me out. It's a lot. And to top it all off, this woman is married and is the principal of a Catholic school.

Oh my gosh.

Okay, hold on.

Oh wow, Catholics are fucking hypocrites. Don't be so naive to even mention that like it's weird, but the married thing is so funny.

Is there any more, Elder?

I don't know.

I thought that nothing was going on, but you know, he was just in his grief. He was finding comfort in her. But then last night, my brother called me and said that my dad, his location was being weird because we both have our dad's location. I am not a person who checks locations, but he was like, check dad's location. And I checked our dad's location he was an hour away at this Doreen this Doreen woman her dad owns a condo like an hour from where my my dad lives who's that smash pal but

the guy who owns it is in Texas and my dad and Doreen were at this condo together. He was hitting skins in that.

Dude, this man's fresh from the fucking Houston Heart Center.

Yeah.

And he's fucking got his-

By the way, he was just going to get a checkup to make sure he could fuck.

Yeah.

The doctor was like, you didn't need to come down here in person.

You're hot.

He's like, is it good enough for sex? We're gonna monitor you. It's like that where he's got one of those masks on where he's blowing the ball in the air while he's on a treadmill.

But he's fucking this lady?

Yeah, just making sure he's boxing underwater. Getting ready to fuck. What's her name, Colleen? Miss Colleen?

He called her Doreen, kind of as a fake little code name for the call. Oh, okay, that's a full fake name. Your dad is...

The married thing is really funny.

It's fucked up.

This turns into she's the scumbag.

She's the worst.

What happened?

Okay. Her dead friend's ex-husband and she's married.

Yeah, that's hilarious. She's a dumb bitch, but here's the thing.

That pussy's so good. Honestly, dude, what are you doing?

You're being very naive here. Of course your dad is gonna fuck this lady.

It's also none of your business.

Yeah, who gives a... Honestly, what do you care that it's like not right or some shit?

I would tell you right now, listen, obviously, I don't have kids, I don't know about parenting. I think he should have hit you more so you weren't tracking him. He didn't scare you enough to not track him. My mother's business is my mother's business. I respect it, you know what I mean? She hit me, she hit me with a one-two-one New Year's Eve

when I was 12 years old and I was like,

I don't ever question this woman. So did he have a final, like, what is he even asking us?

What should he do?

Is, yeah.

He said, any help would be great. That's basically it.

Any help is let your dad fuck.

This is what it is. Your mom is gone, that sucks.

Deal with that.

It's weird that he's quickly getting back to it.

You should start fucking the husband. You should find a husband and started

having sex with him doubtfire yourself seduce your father now you're fucking

gay dad anyway the whole time Daniel the whole time you know you molested me

first what if he found out that this lady's husband was fucking the dead mom

oh it's like a swinger thing yeah and then he finds out that this lady's husband was fucking the dead mom? And this whole thing.

Oh, it's like a swinger thing?

Yeah, and then he finds out at the end when the dad's dying,

because he doesn't talk to dad every night.

Yeah, he goes, I can't talk to you anymore.

And he's like, yeah, over this, and then years later you find out, he's like, I was just getting revenge for your mom.

Don't you understand? You did it while your mom was here. We didn't spend the best years of our, neither of our lives, but some time together

before he died.

He's like, I know.

That'd be sad.

Or what if they had, what if?

What if this is Zoran Mamdani

and the dad is Jeffrey Epstein?

That's probably what it is.

Zoran is just called in.

Zoran calling in.

What if these are, what if they had an arrangement? What if now, what if he, what if the other guy, he's in the cuck chair?

Oh.

What if they're G'ing out this woman? Or what if the dad is sucking the guy's dick and fucking the lady?

Damn.

Something to think about.

MFM.

MFM.

Yeah, what if this is an MMF situation? MMF situation, she's just getting, she's like, I need, she goes, now you're free. But either way, whatever freaky shit your dad's up to.

I mean, I hate to say this about your mom, but if you die in that situation, the ultimate cucking is being in heaven and watching. Oh, true, well. Heaven's the first cuck chair.

That is true, Heaven is the first cuck chair. I would imagine sex from above you could at least jack off to it. You're in hell. It's just all assholes.

Feet.

He just walks around. I can't even see nothing.

Your wife in doggy. You just see her tit swing. You're like, stop! You see his nuts?

Yeah, it's just fucking nuts.

Look at the force!

Residue dripping all over you.

Oh my God, at least cup her test. I can't watch this bag of cake batter move around.

Yeah, man, look, this is what happens. People, you know, what do you want them to do? Never fuck again?

Yeah.

I'm honestly pumped for your dad and I've never met the man. And maybe this relaxes his tight Conservative views because now he's out here just getting sucked and fucked let him buy an MGB Yeah, let him wear glasses and slick his hair. He's Texas dad now. Yeah, dude. He's full Texas He's on testosterone. He's got peptides. Oh, yeah shit. I need some of those too. Yeah, he's just doing peptides What are peptides? I don't know. I've heard guys basically steroids, but better. I've just heard dudes say it. Yeah, I'm in dude

I'm in I whatever whatever will take to fix my back

all right, so yeah, your dad's gonna fuck sorry, it's your mom's friend, but

Calling in to be like really anything could help you, ah, sounds like your dad's getting new puss.

What are you gonna do?

Sit him down and be like, stop fucking Donna

or whatever the fuck her name is.

Did you know the last time I got new pussy?

Doreen.

Nixon was leaving office.

It is weird for him to be like, my dad is a super conservative, super Catholic guy, but he's the one being like a prude about his dad getting pussies just because he's married.

You're being a prude and also you're being naive by, of course you're a fucking dumbass dad, a hypocrite. There's nothing wrong. They're all pieces of shit that don't believe anything. Now they're pretending it's no big deal that Trump fucked kids. Is that against the religion to fuck somebody else after your wife dies? No, in fact, after your wife dies, I feel like that's kind of the one time you get new pussy.

Check those bylaws.

God lets you get new pussy after your wife dies.

He goes, whoa, that was very sad.

Yeah, that happens in the Bible a million times.

He goes, oh, Daniel, your wife has died. How about new pussy?

Turn the page. All right, well, fuck that guy. Next question. Well, not fuck you.

Good luck. I'm sorry, man. Hey, listen, this is an opportunity for you to humanize your father. He's a man just like you and he wants pussy and this woman is the one breaking the marriage she has. Your dad at least waited until she died.

So your dad, I would argue, not as bad as a person and everyone knows when you fuck horrible people It's good sex

That's true. Let the man know anything who's the worst person. I fucked it was the pussy good I Don't remember off the top of my head well next question eldest

There Hey Sobby, Eldest, and whoever else is there. Um, I have a bit of a strange question about my boyfriend. So, we've been together for almost...

He's gay. What's up?

What's up baby girl? How big are your tits? Your boyfriend's gay, show us your tits.

Doesn't matter, let's go.

I'll meet you in Texas. Let's go

Also, I'm 25 he's 27 soon to be 28

And things have been going really really great. Like we've met each other's families like I'm

Like 99% sure. This is the love of my life and we're in game and everything else is going really well. And he asked me to do

something recently that was a bit strange and I genuinely don't know what

to do about it. I need you to hide the Hope Diamond in your pussy. I need you to break in. What was the painting that was stolen? I was trying to pull the didn't they rob the Louvre?

The robbed it, but I don't know what you want.

That's what I wanted to say, but it fell out of my head. I just didn't know hope that hope diamonds better funnier to put

the Mona Lisa.

Yeah, I need you to put the Mona Lisa in your pussy.

That's not bad.

Actually. I need you to put the Mona Lisa in your pussy. That's not bad actually. That's fucking hot.

Roll that up.

Alright what else?

I'll just go ahead.

I genuinely don't know what to do about it. So we started as like a fling. Like a casual relationship. Just like kind of hooking up.

And like the sex was really really really good.

Yeah I can relate to that.

And also keep in mind that I lost my...

Wait, is it me? Are you talking about me?

I'm not sure.

I don't remember you.

Yeah, I know what that is.

I'm 36. I'm not about to turn 28. Are you thinking of the right guy?

Are you trying to change the numbers so people won't know it's me?

No, I usually just want it's about me.

She has become so much ago.

Yeah,

could be anybody else.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is about me.

I remember.

I lied about my age.

And I look so young.

And I look so young.

She believed me.

You should try talking to her like she's still on the phone. Hey, it's me. It's me. Stop.

You make a call. Please. young, and I look so young, she believed me. You should try talking to her like she's still on the phone. No, it's me. Hey, it's me. Hey, it's me.

Hey, pick up. And also keep in mind that I lost my virginity a month before meeting him and have only been with four people in my life, so

all of them. Nice.

He really like... It's me and these Yeah, it's me as Dr. Evil.

Me as Bat Bastard.

Your pussy is wet. It's wet.

How about you don't?

How about whole?

I'm gonna come on your tits. Right.

My penis with your freaking vagina on his head.

I'm gonna shoot liquid hot magma on your tits.

One million bus. Austin Bowers, any of his dialogue would work?

All he talks about is getting pussy. Go ahead, Eldis.

The bar was set low for him, and he exceeded it. Oh wow. And recently we watched a video where a girl, a black girl, was like shitting and pissing

on her boyfriend.

Oh, the gold member deleted scene.

And he like, descends the bar.

He likes that.

And he wants me to do that. And like, don't get me wrong, like, I have my own kinks and things like that.

No you don't.

But it's nothing great.

Girl, right now, don't you dare try to run up and pissing and shitting on someone's face.

Yeah, because you like to get lightly choked.

Yeah, because your hair pull makes you feel nasty.

This guy is trying to get hepe. Also shit and piss, it's like not just piss. Once you get shit and piss at the same time. Yeah, shit is a bridge too far. Piss it's like, all right, I'm not pumped. Also. But I'll hear you out. At least Hitler was on methamphetamines.

This guy's stone sober going, I want to watch you shit. At least Hitler, when he was making Ava, when he was shitting on Ava Braun was fucking.

Here's what we can do, because I'm 37, I'm not a young lady like this. I can send you some of my shit to show him.

Oh yeah.

And once this guy sees the kind of shit that comes out of a 37 year old man's body, I don't think he'll be into shit anymore. He'll go, why does it change like that?

And then I'll, and then that's when I come in.

There's pennies from 1973.