Surprising My Haters!

Okay, so guys, me and John, we're going to be pranking a few of different football fans in the van here.So they think they're on John's podcast.Welcome to Parked Up Pundits, my new podcast.But obviously they're not.John is just trying to wind them up.I think he's a tap -in merchant.

I'm going to sit in the back, hoodie up, and then I'll reveal myself after they say whatever they say.

The best striker in world football.Erling Braut Haaland.When did you tell him?

No, no, no!If they praise me, fine.He doesn't score against big clubs.What?If they slam me, it's fine.If I get a sweet one to the nose, he's toast.

I've got the youth.I could just get under.We'll see.Are you all right?

What the f - How's it going, big man?Nice to meet you.I'm John.Thanks a million, lad.This'll be good fun.We have to be kind of semi -quiet.

The people that we're going to be surprising are all, like, hidden out there, but the sound travels.

The thing is, people see me straight away, so I actually need to hide.

No, it'll be fine.So I'll talk you through the plan.You're going to be sat here, with your hood up, facing that way.Okay.So you're going to be back -to -back with the person we're pranking.Okay.

They've been briefed to get in and talk to me.They think they're coming to my new podcast.parked up pundits.So they think, and I'm going to ask them all sorts of questions and try and set them up.I'm going to ask them about who's the best and worst hair in the league, who's the best striker, who's the worst striker.who would win in a fight between players, stuff like this, right?

I'm going to try and bait them into saying, like, not you or picking other people.Let's do it.Let's get the first guy.

Right, I get in the position.You need to ask the questions, like, what do you think of football as in YouTube and that?

Alan's, like, his stuff's terrible.Yeah, do that.

Focus more on football and that.Yeah, yeah.Hey, coffee's coming.OK.Let's go.

there he is oh my lord we've got a v class let's get warm in here let's welcome the parked up pundits my new podcast oh my gosh this is beautifulmate.Do you like the car?Some stuff that you've got around here, what goes on?

Yeah, not a lot, not a lot.Salutations!How are you?So you see, I'm going to ask you about the best player, and then I'm going to ask you about the hardest player.Okay.Because I think you're a bit of a hard, I think you could handle yourself in the scrap.

I absolutely can do, I think so.

I think I've got hands on me, Guy.Okay, well let's see, who would you beat in a fight?Would you beat, you've got an Arsenal top one?I absolutely do.Kiakou Rez?Oh, Kiakou Rez!

You're correct.He's been compared to Brock Lesnar.Not just in the way he plays, but the way he looks.It might go to the scorecards.I think I'll win it.Virgil van Dijk.

Virgil van Dijk, he would lay me out flat on the ground.You think?I don't have a chance, mate.Honestly, I think he'd paint the wall.Are you backing me?It's Van Dyke.

He's about 6 foot 93.

I think he'd paint the wall with my head.OK.What about Erling Haaland?

Erling Haaland?I don't know.I feel like he's lean, he's tall, but he doesn't strike me as a man that's got punch power.You think he'd beat him in a scrap?So I reckon just one dodge, and if I get a sweet one to the nose, he's toast.He's toast?

I think so, yeah.Six feet under?Yeah, I think so, mate.I'll bury him.What age are you?Oh, I'm 23, mate.

So you're younger than him, probably?

Yeah.

So I've got the youth on him, is what I'm saying.I've got the youth.I could just get under, over and under me.Have you seen the neck move, mate?Are you all right?What the f...

What the...What the...Wait!What the...Oh, my gosh.Are you all right?

You're beating him on a scrapbook.Wait, what is he...What the...What are you talking about?Hello, mate.Hello, mate.

I ain't got no gloves on me. I ain't got no gloves on me.You know what I call you?I call you a lingey.A lingey.Lingey, lingey.I'm going to be famous now.

I'm going to be famous.I'm here with Lee.Give me a hug over the seat.Give me a hug over the seat.Oh my God.Right man, we'll see you soon.

Goodbye.

Be quiet right there.

All the best to you.You're a famous boy.I'm a famous boy?

Do you have 15 quid?You know what, keep kicking man.

That was a good timing.Well done, well done.I'm not allowed to laugh.I'm just sitting here trying not to do this.Shut up.It's so difficult.

Hello, mate.What's happening?Welcome to Parked Up Pundits.Sick.Unbelievable.So we're parked up and the idea is we're going to talk about some football.

Okay.You're obviously a content creator, a big Man City fan.It's just something I've been really interested in recently as a YouTuber.Loads of footballers have been getting into YouTube.And I think Man City is the team that always stands out to me.You're always looking at it and I'm like, oh, you've got Doku hitting his channel.

Haaland.Haaland's done one recently.And I'm like, is that a distraction?Is it like focus on football a bit?Do you know what I mean?

No, I think they've all got teams, haven't they?I mean, they've all got teams behind them.that are kind of, you know, doing all that stuff behind the scenes.I don't have a problem with it personally.Harlan's just sat there, you know, in his lounge or whatever, eating his food.Like, I don't think he's the one editing it, do you know what I mean?

I don't know, I thought it was a bit Games Gone, you know, like the Joker thing at Halloween and all.Yeah.Did you do Santa as well?

Nah, I think it's funny.I do get your angle, but I think people have got to enjoy themselves.He's still banging the goals in, golden boot, 26 goals in the league this season, so I'm pretty happy with it personally.I think he's all good.Would you ever like to collaborate with him?Yeah, 100%.

I'd be gassed to do that, yeah.

Maybe someday?Yeah.If you did, what would you make with him?Like, what sort of content?

Mate, honestly, I don't know.I'd probably just go for a pint with him if he was allowed.Yeah?Yeah, something like that.Yeah, do something fun.Just go for a pint, something like that.

Pint?Anything else?

Erm, just have a chat with him.What would you like?A YouTube video.Oh, my day!What?!

No way!You are joking, mate.I'd go with a pint with me.Yeah.Mate, you're joking!I'm not.

It is actually quite real, yeah.

Sick.He can't be drinking pints.Mate, honestly, he can have a milk.I love milk, you know.

I love milk.If you said milk, I think it would be a bigger possibility.

Yeah, I'll have a milk, mate.Any given.I like that, though.He supports my YouTube channel.Mate, he barked it.He's got to be.

I said 26 goals this season.He's scoring his goals.I'm not going to slam him.I was here trying to set you up.No chance of him falling into that trap.The joker stuff.

Nah, he can do that.He can enjoy himself.He's scoring the goals, mate.See you later lad.Oh my days, what is going on mate?Appreciate the YouTube support.

Mate, I watch it all day.

Cheers lad.That was good wasn't it?

No, no, no, I think it's fine.He's banging his goals in, what a legend.

Big Man City fan?

Yes.You've got the tops on.Huge, huge, huge.I've got my top and I've got a jumper.

So we're here today, we're talking about different fans from different clubs about different things.So what I want to talk to you about is the best striker in world football.

Right now?Yeah.There's only one name.Mbappé?Mbappé?This guy must be joking.

It's Erling Braut Haaland.That's who it is.Yeah, I knew you would die on that hill.No one is close to this man, bro.I promise you, not one person.

Harry Keane.

Harry Keane's good.He's good.Harry Keane, no?He ain't Erling Haaland.No?Nah.

What makes him so special?Bro, his numbers, his moments.Even the hair, the beautiful hair.He's got everything, the aura.He's got 50 and 50 this year.Last season, golden...

No, the season before, golden boot.The one before that, golden boot.And he's about to get another one.He's ridiculous.Big fan, then.Massive fan.

If you ever met him, what's one thing you'd say to him?I would say, thank you for changing my club.Thank you for giving me the Champions League.And thank you for giving me moments.And that's it.And carry on.

Keep doing your job.Here you go.Why wouldn't you tell him?

No, no, no!Bro!bro, this is it!I don't think so.Oh, you're the goat, bro, honestly.So thank you for that Champions League, bro, thank you.

That was big praise there.

I kept trying to get him to pick someone else.I got a bit emotional when you didn't say it back yet, man.You heard him say it.

You're the best, bro.You know you're the best.I appreciate that support, man.My man, thanks for coming on the podcast.

I appreciate it, man.Thank you so much.Alright, Mitch.Be kind.Oh, I can't believe this.That's it.

I can go home.I can die now.

I want to put you in a scenario, right?Cool.So you're on a desert island, you've been knocked out, you wake up, there's a wee guy there and he says to you, he says, one player to take a penalty to save your life, who are you picking?

Mohamed Salah has scored one in the Champions League final.He has missed a few, but if you give him the pressure, the big moments, I think he'll save my life.You'd go for a Liverpool player?I would.I absolutely would.See, I think primarily there's probably better penalty takers, like Haaland.

I mean, yeah, he's up there.He's got a good record.You wouldn't back him to save your life?I mean, you probably would, yeah.He probably would save my life.But you'd pick Salah.

You have to go with your club, innit?What do you think of Haaland as a player?I think he's a great character, you know?With his YouTube videos that he's putting out as well, kind of delving into behind the scenes, I think every club would love him.My thing with YouTube is, I get it, but I'm the YouTuber, go away from my turf, mate.Do you know what I mean?

Do you think a bit game's gone?I think fans like that, behind the scenes.I think people don't really watch the full matches anymore, they like snippets of stuff, highlights, and delving into what actually is going on with players' lives, because that's what we've never been exposed to before.And would you just watch Liverpool player stuff, or have you ever watched a Haaland video?I watched Harlan's video and he's doing his trick or treating and stuff.I don't know about them men.

I think they're bad.I think they're badly made.Do you think?Yeah.Nah, I reckon they're alright.You know, I don't mind watching them.

Do you think they're alright?I'm glad I'm not a bad man.You were talking well, lad.Yeah, I was trying to set you up.I tried everything.Look, I still set some good things up.

Don't worry about it.Being true to my club colours as well, I was being nice as well.I gave you every chance to have a go at him and you didn't.I'm a professional, I do rate you, to be fair.Like I said, every club would love him.The personality, the goals.

You're just on the wrong side of the North West.If you ever board the City, come down the M62.Man, lovely meeting you, man.Alright, mate, thanks for coming on the pod.Thank you, appreciate it.Alright, cheers.

We will see you soon.Keep it down.Aye, see you in a bit, lad.

See you, lad.

What's Harlan doing there?Scouser's got a big mouth.

You're two -legged.

I wasn't two -legged, I'm Norwegian.What do your haters most often say?Tapping merchant.Tapping merchant?Yeah.

Who's the next one?He's an Arsenal fan.Yeah, so go on, you never score against big clubs.Obviously I score every game against Arsenal.

So I want to talk to you, Arsenal fan.Of course, the biggest.So if we're talking about that Arsenal -City, just to talk about that rivalry a bit.It's been a big rivalry the last, well, season.Yeah, pretty big.So I'm trying to get you to say something nice I suppose about City.

If you could steal one player, would you steal a player?

Who would you steal?There's quite a few.The one player that I would steal is Haaland.He's been my favourite ever since Dortmund.

Mate, the thing with Haaland is I think he's a tap -in merchant.I think he doesn't score against big clubs.What?Yeah, yeah, yeah.I think he's a stat patter.I think he's out for himself.

He scores goals.He scored against us.Yeah, but I've been to a few games this season.He doesn't pass the ball enough.I think if you're going to be striker in a Pep Guardiola team, Man City, that score like 4 ,000 goals a year, of course you're going to be top scorer.Talking about this, his hair.

Come at him a bit with me here, mate.

His hair is off.He ain't got a fade.He needs to do a little fade.I used to be a barber, so I could give him a little fade, that's it.But the rest of it, it's got nice, it's got goldy look to it.It's not bad, but it's not the best.

Slightly, you've got the mullet now, so you've got probably better hair than him, but...I've got better hair than Haaland.Slightly.Yeah?Erling, do you agree?

Nah.

I tried my best!I tried my best!Erlin's my guy bro!I'ma do my best as well!That's my guy bro!He wouldn't say Elephant!

Get this guy a Holland shirt man, where's the shirt man?

You got Erlin!Yeah, there he is!I'm coming for him now!You look yuppie bro!He's spice yeah?He said my hair's better than yours.

Slidy he says now so.Slidy he is now.Well you gonna play yours or Slidy?I've got my plan, boys.Why are you hiding your hair?Hair reveal.

Should I?Why is he hiding his hair?He's hiding his hair!Because everyone says I look like an unk, OK?Just look.

You look like a what?An unk.

I think your hair's nice, man.

Don't laugh.You look like a what?

An unk.What's that?An old man.Don't laugh, Arlene!I ain't got it done, bro.That's what I had to do.

You say it in that way.

You say it like when you're serious.No, right now, my head's a bit lax, but still, I've still got...Why do you say that in that way?No, no, no, no, bro.You're, like, deadly serious.You could do better, though.

Yeah, I agree.You could do better.That's what I'm saying, a little fade or something.That's what you are.

Don't call me for that.That's what you are.I'm not that English, man.Good man, right.Well, see you in a bit.Thanks a million.

Cheers.

Arling, they just love you too much.I thought Arsenal fans disliked me.It's so funny, they start to defend like, no, no, Harlan's a good guy.The next one is a Man United fan.

Oh, yeah.

He's my uncle, brought me to my first ever game.That's your uncle?

Yeah, I think he'll have a heart attack, right?lifelong United fan.I've seemingly gone a bit more neutral over the years.I've been doing a lot of work with the likes of Man City and stuff like that.I want to ask you how that makes you feel?Disgusted.

Yeah?Well, well it's obviously understandable but like it's very difficult to see someone who you've tried to reallyand really bring into the world and then they just tear your heart apart.Do you hate City more, Arsenal or Liverpool?I would say City at the moment.Just because they're so good.

Once you watch them, they're just amazing.Do you not think they've just bought the league?A little bit.They've bought a lot of players who are class for a lot less money than Man Utd bought players for.Man Utd bought some players who are stinkers for a lot of money so it made a lot of sense.Their model is still better and everything around the ground is amazing.

United is still a fair bit behind now.

Maybe it's a bit of a controversial one, but I hate their attitude.They're so arrogant.You see Haaland on the pitch, he drives me mad.

Oh, that look that he had after the Arsenal match.What one?He was just looking down at the camera as if they'd won the league.

Yeah, yeah.

But he's so good.

Yeah.

He's a savage.He's a great player, but he's a man.He's a man.Yeah?Yeah.I think he's a bit of a melter.

He is a bit of a melter, but...Yeah, yeah.Yeah, he is.You're doing our heads in, aren't you?

I agree with it, I agree.

You resisted that well, I tried to send you up I was waiting for you to absolutely hammer me, but I thought you didn't like me United fans.

You're all right Thanks for coming on I'll tell you what, that is hilarious

No -one doesn't like you, apparently.And that's even worse when you hear it.I thought people disliked me. I think they love to hate you.They all just realise you're too good.I'm going to talk to him about, for his pleasure, lazy players.Haaland doesn't move enough.

I know he's a big guy, but he should run.What do you think he is?

He just thinks he's too good to do work.

Yeah, he just wants to score goals.Like, thinks of himself.Just slam me.OK, OK, OK. I see, you see, this is the last one.

OK, then you need to drag it forward a bit.So you're the fittest man probably I've ever met.You're the fastest British man ever to run across Australia?

I was, yeah.You were?I was, yeah.Amateur runner.

The reason why we talked about and wanted to have you here was to talk about, just relay that to football.It's about footballers, hard work, distance covered.lazy players.You're a United fan.I think for me, just to go straight on, top of the list for lazy players in the league, and this is semi -controversial, I always come to Erling Haaland.I think he's just a poacher.

I think he's a stat padder.I think he's out to get goals.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.Do you agree?Yeah, I think he doesn't have to run a lot, does he?Maybe a few sprints.But don't you think he should just run more then?I think he's a big fat guy.

Is he too heavy, maybe?Yeah, I don't know.He's a fit guy.I think the average footballer runs 10 to 12k a game.if he's lucky.

I just think the guy just hangs on the halfway line and breaks every so often.Taps it in, does his little celebration doing yoga or whatever.

I don't know, he fries me.Yeah, he's not at the back of the heat, I'm slagging him off.Nah, nah, nah, nah.Yeah, no, but I know what you mean, I think from my point of view.Can you imagine that?

Sorry, by the way, that's a video idea.

I don't know how much of that, yeah.But I don't know, from my point of view, I think I much prefer sort of athletic players that just run it like a cante, something like a cante was pretty cool.To watch someone just didn't stop.

Is there anyone else you'd call like a slacker?or anyone else in the league who's particularly, I don't know, anyone in the league who's even worse than Haaland?Probably not.I just think he poaches too much.

Do you know what, if I had a bit more time I could probably think but players that are a bit lazy, I don't know.I don't think he poaches too much.Yeah I'd go for Haaland possibly.Laziest in the league?I don't know possibly there's probably a few more I can't think I can't think.Are you alright?

I did say there was other people.Am I the laces in the league?I'm not f***ing having that!I'm not f***ing having that!He's not on the back is he?For a wind -up?

Are you alright?

You think I'm the laces?If you mean it, hand on heart that I'm the laces in the league.I'm walking off this episode here now.I'm sat here, morbidly obese, going like, yeah, how long's too heavy?Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Yes, man. I call him yes, man.

Yes, yes, he's lazy.Yes, yes, yes.He don't run.

There you are.How you doing, mate?You good?

I tell you what, I actually think I run a lot.Do you?A lot, yeah.I was saying to John, I think in the film.Do you know what your number's saying?

See, you're the last lad to come in.Everyone, he's been like, get them at me, go at me hard.That's why I've been here shitting on him for an hour.

Yeah, well, I f***ed up, yeah.I mean, I was in some of the city boys.What did they think?Oh, they loved him.

Everyone loved him.No one said anything really bad.You're the first one.

calling me a negative thing I reckon you could have kept on going like yeah we think of the United Holland yeah we don't like him you probably would have said he's too good though oh no yeah I mean no I'm lazy innit yeah stop patter I think you're putting the answer in my head and that's why if you went who's the laziest I probably wouldn't have said you because he's like yeah Lacey's in the league.

I need to get a trophy, Lacey's in the league.Easy, I'll get it.one.You went in his head.You just put answers and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.I wish someone had agreed with me more.

I need to be maybe a bit more of a d***head.

Yeah, you can get away with more.

I thought you were gonna slam me a bit.Especially you guys.He was the one slamming me the most, I'll tell you that.He called me lazy.Thank you guys.I appreciate it.

Nice to meet you guys.All the best to you guys.Thank you for the nice words.

He said, oh, you AF.

Yeah, but you're very real, I can see that.

Not quite the robot we all thought you were.What about me?

His hand is flesh.I mean, it's absolutely flesh.

He said he could beat you.

OK, cool, yeah.

That was hilarious.The Man United fans and Arsenal fans were so kind to me. I was like, John just hammered me.And they were like starting to defend me.The Arsenal fans were like, no, no, no, he's a good guy.He's a good player.I was like, can't be emotional, do you know what I mean?

He started asking, yeah, so what do you think of Harlan becoming a YouTuber?They are like, no, no, I like the content.You know, he gives us a bit of insight of his life and that.Harlan, thanks for having me.That was good fun.That was good, that.

If you want to see us surprise someone else, click at John's channel right here.