There's Nothing Special About Stephen Colbert's Final Monologue At "The Late Show"

Welcome, welcome one and all to The Late Show.I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

Sit down!

If you're just tuning in to The Late Show, you missed a lot.Tonight is our final broadcast from the Ed Sullivan Theater, where, oh no, we were lucky enough to be here for the last 11 years.Yes.All right, that was, can't take this for granted.Though actually, technically, our first show back in July of 2015 was from a public access station in Monroe, Michigan for an audience of 12 people.And show business being what it is these days, it's probably where you'll see me next.

There is...So much history here in the Ed Sullivan Theater, and we've been honored to have been just a small part of it.Nichols and May played on the stage.The Beatles made their American debut here.And this is true.

This is true.Backstage, Elvis used the bathroom and didn't die.We've had so much fun in this theater, so many great segments.I'll miss doing first drafts, where I show the final draft of a greening card, and then show the playfully wrong first draft.So we made one for tonight.This one's pretty nice.

This isn't goodbye, it's see you later.Yes.But the first draft said, this isn't goodbye, how do you start an OnlyFans?Yeah, I got the tootsies.

I got the nice tootsies.

Now, at first, when we knew this was going to be our last night, we were planning on doing a huge special this evening.But the thing is, we like to think every episode of The Late Show is kind of special.And we thought the best way to celebrate what we've done over the last 11 years is just do a regular episode where I come in.and talk about the national conversation.And undeniably, today, the big story that everyone is talking about.Excuse me.

Stephen?Stephen, excuse me.Brian.

Brian Pranston.Brian.Brian.But you said there's nothing special happening tonight?

Well, I mean, as I was saying, we're doing a normal episode of The Late Show, which is always kind of special.

Oh, yeah.Yeah.Oh, absolutely.But not even like, I don't know, a surprise celebrity cameo popping up out of nowhere?No, Brian, those always feel kind of forced.Oh, yeah.

Absolutely.Yeah, totally.It's a very cheap stunt.But hey, I'm here.Maybe I could be your last guest.

That would that would be great Brian the thing is and I'm right here.

We already have a pretty special one lined up I'm sorry the hell am I here for you know what you can keep your stupid hat.

I'm gonna go sell my ticket Brian Brian Cranston everybody that's too bad.

I feel bad.I feel terrible Okay, moving on.Big news if you're looking to fly in or out of New York, because yesterday morning a sinkhole shut down a runway at LaGuardia.Reportedly, crews found the sinkhole while conducting a daily morning inspection of the airport's airfield.And yes,that is someone's actual job.

What, you thought my whole inspector shirt was a joke?It means what?Holy mackerel, is that why women won't talk to me?Weirdly, weirdly, that wasn't the only gaping hole to appear in New York City yesterday, because, and everyone is fine, a school bus in the Bronx partially fell into a sinkhole.First Queens.than the Bronx.

Even sinkholes don't want to go to Staten Island.You know what?We better get off the air quick before a giant sinkhole swallows the Ed Sullivan.Oh, there's an update on the folks who were exposed to hantavirus on that cruise ship a while ago.At least two passengers were formally ordered to stay in quarantine in Nebraska.Now, this strict quarantine, I think, is admirably cautious, especially considering the nation's antivirus response is now being led by Dr. Brian Christine, a penile implant specialist and vaccine skeptic.

Clearly, this guy is not a fan of little pricks.Thank you very much.Dr. Christine.Peabody, please.The smart choice.Dr. Christine is an election -denying far -white rack job who hosted a YouTube series on erectile dysfunction called Erection Connection, also the name of a very popular category on Craigslist.

Over in Italy, there's a spiciest scandal brewing.Rome's sexy priest calendar, the Calendario Romano, which features closeups of young, handsome men in priestly attire and has been a perennial Rome souvenir for the last two decades.It's the kind of souvenir that your mom buys as a joke and then puts up in the kitchen as a joke.Then on certain rainy mornings, you come downstairs to find she's just drinking her tea and staring at the calendar.as a joke.Mom is so funny.

But yesterday, it was revealed that Rome's sexy priest calendar cover model never set foot in a seminary.And, hold on, I'm getting word that this is the worst scandal to ever hit the Catholic Church.What?Okay, this is my deaf ear?Okay.But I'm not surprised, just looking at them, you can tell those two men right there are clearly fake priests.

And I know for a fact that pug is only a deacon.Besides, if a calendar...Hey, Steven!Who's that?Paul Rudd?

Paul, why are you interrupting me?I'm just curious when our interview starts.I have an extremely long poem I want to recite, and I don't want to run out of time.You wrote a poem about me?I wrote a poem.

Okay, that's nice, but, Paul, just to be clear, you're not my last guest.

Really?Well, then I guess it's a little awkward that I brought you the traditional retirement gift.

Oh, oh my gosh, that's wonderful.Thank you so much, Paul.Is it like a gold watch?

What?No.I was going to give you the traditional six bananas.You know, you always give people who are retiring.

Well, I'm sorry, Paul, but I'm pretty sure that when someone's retiring, you give them a gold watch.

Oh, great.Well, then what am I supposed to do with these five bananas?

Wait, five bananas?Hold on.I thought just a moment ago you said it was six.I got hungry.

Now interview me.Hey.Hey, listen, Paul Rudd.Thank you, yeah, it's me, Tim Meadows.Okay, listen, Steven's a great guy.If he says you're not his last guest, you just gotta accept it.

Hey, my old friend, Tim Meadows.Timmy, what are you, it's nice to see you as always, but what are you doing here, buddy?I was just explaining to Paul Rudd that, you know, for your last guest, you wanted someone you go back with, so we could talk about the good old days when you and I were doing Second City together.

It's not you either, Tim.Screw you, Colbert.

You know what?You've got what you deserve.Give me those bananas.

Thanks, buddy.Love you.

I'll tell you one thing.I'll tell you one thing.It's nice.Nice fellas.I'll tell you one thing.This show ending does have one upside.

I won't have to talk about the inevitable rise of the machine overlords.You know, though I have recently been given some hope for mankind in the form of this new dancing robot from China.The Michael Jackson movie looks good.Now, a lot of people have been asking me what I plan to do after tonight, and the answer is drugs.But here's the thing.I just found this out.

This just came out, right?The National Marine Mammal Foundation, in my beloved home state of South Carolina, has a slightly different idea.Thank you.Because down there, they put up this billboard saying, Wanted, Former Late Show Host, Burdened by Whale -Related Childhood Ambition.It's actually one of a series of billboards targeted at me from the Marine Mammal Foundation, and I gotta say, it is really flattering to be considered, you know?And it's one of the only billboards in South Carolina that doesn't say, repent now, Bible is real, dial 1 -800 -HELL4U, cracker barrel in two exits.

And here's the thing, I don't know how they knew this, but it is true that as a little boy, I grew up wanting to be Jacques Cousteau.So I really appreciate the letter that they sent to me and they put up on their website saying, the work is essential, the mission matters deeply, and the dolphins are cautiously optimistic about your availability.What?The dolphins know I got canceled?Wait, is that true, dolphins?We got a great show for you tonight.

Stick around.