Trump Bombs at White House Correspondents' Dinner & Jon Stewart Offers Comedy Tips | The Daily Show

Good morning.My name is Jon Stewart.Great show for you tonight.Later on in this program, I'll be talking to CNN's chief White House correspondent, Caitlin Collins.She'll be joining us.We get to the bottom of a crucial issue in journalism.

How come she doesn't smile when a weird old man tells her to?We're gonna start with the big news from the weekend.The United States and Iran taking a hydration break.A welcome cessation of hostilities.The respite gave President Trump a chance to stop bombing the Strait of Hormuz and to start bombing at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy, from his wife, and she said, when you get home, I want to have you immediately come up the stairs and make love to me.And he said, I can't do both.You know what the...You know?In other words, you can't go up the stairs and make love.Does anybody get that?

You know, normally, I'd say, don't quit your day job.But in this case, I will make an exception.Yes, Friday night.was the White House Correspondents' Dinner Part Deux, where the media elite got to hobnob with hobgoblins.If you remember, the first attempt ended prematurely by, let's say, very intense heckling.The frightening scene prevented the president from delivering his humorous remarks, prepared remarks, which was a shame, because if there's one thing that President Trump is known for,

it's his joyful love of mirth.

We all know that he has a great sense of humor.He's gonna -he's gonna deliver a really good speech.I mean, he's -he's funny.He -he is, uh, a hilarious entertainer.His comedic timing is really good.If he hadn't become president, he couldn't become a stand -up comedian.

This guy is honestly one of the funniest presidents we've ever had.I think Trump's the funniest president of all time.

Funny how?How the...Is he funny?Does he amuse you?What's so f***ing funny?No, seriously, I am asking you.

Because when I was watching him do that one joke, he doesn't seem very funny at all.Hey, but you know what, man?Look, I've been in that situation.We all try new material, doesn't go, you move on to the next one.You cannot judge Trump's whole hour -long special just based on that one joke.Mr. President, what else you got?

UFC Freedom 250 fight.I'm pleased to announce that we're going to host an even bigger one right in front of the White House every Friday night.

See, this is great.Simple premise.Easy, refillable.We're gonna be hosting more fights.So these are just gonna be jokes about who's on the card, what the fights are gonna be.It's simple.

Set up, punchline.Or...

It's every Friday night, every Saturday night, we're gonna have fights in front of the White House.But we do have something coming that's and I'm only kidding, you know the one thing but we are gonna have Indy 500 Roger Penske is coming but in mid Germany Japan all these countries They spend billions and billions of dollars trying to win the Indy 500 on July 4th.We willover at the mall, and it was raining.It was supposed to be really bad again.And we didn't do it the following day, and we didn't do it two weeks later.

We did it when we were supposed to do it.It was a fantastic, uh, celebration.

You set up the premise, and then you just walk off into the street?This is so cheap!Before I get to that, it's raining.Before introducing... the first joke fight in his own premise.

But I can exclusively reveal to you this evening that for the heaviest of the heavyweights, we will have sloppy Chris Christie, one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever meet, fighting, uh, I would say, I could mention the governor of Chicago, but I'm gonna mention instead Jerry Nadler.

You're changing the target of your roast joke.Joe!Just change it.Don't say, I was gonna make fun of the governor of Illinois, but Jerry Nadler.And by the way, are there two more relevant targets than Chris Christie and Jerry Nadler?Ooh, wait till the former governor of New Jersey and outgoing Congressional District 12 representative of New York get a load of this.

Their careers will continue to have been over.But you know, look,The walk doesn't matter as much as the destination.Land this joke.

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.Big fat piece of cheesecake.Who the hell wrote that line?

Sounds like you.It sounds exactly like something you would say.Look, this is a solid premise.Here's an easy joke to land with this premise.Oh, and tonight, I'm proud to announce the next upcoming fight at the White House.AOC will face off against her greatest enemy, a simple question about foreign policy.

See, it's simple.Give that joke a go.

And then you have a congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio -Cortez, AOC plus three.That's her three friends, right?

Okay.

AOC plus three, and I watched her give that answer when she was over in Europe.It was not a good answer.If I ever gave that answer, I would be out of politics.

You don't have to talk about what you saw.

Remember, you cannot have a 19 -second wait time.Just f***ing do the joke.But we'll then have a rematch against an extreme, simple question on a foreign policy.Nobody knows what you're saying now!It was a big security conference and this was the first time up.No!

In terms of that.

You don't do jokes like you're reading them for the first time!He's putting 10 pounds of roast jokes into a five -pound bag?It doesn't work this way.There are rules to these things.Look, let's just...Obviously, the more complex jokes, you're not gonna be able to handle.

Let's just stick to simple burns.Simple burns.You can't f... that up.Look.Here we go.Here's what I'll do for you.

I'll bring out a...Here's what we're gonna do.Here's...I'm gonna help you along.Ready?That's what we're gonna do.

Here's what we're gonna do.We got the rim shot.We're gonna do simple burns.You can't f... these up with your little wandering -off weaves.

Go.So they thought about going with a professional clown for entertainment, but Adam Shifty Schiff was not available.You know, he's known.I called him.I hate some people.You know, I shouldn't say this.

I'm not supposed to hate him.I'm supposed to love everybody.But he's a terrible person.He's a liar.

Traditionally, roasts work because at the heart of it all, you only roast the ones you love.Saying you hate someone in the middle of the joke really takes a lot of courage.The pleasure, Don Rickles, might not have been the sensation he was, might not have been so beloved, if he ended his act with, no seriously, f*** the Japanese.I don't like them as people.

Try again.And, uh, I called him Watermelon Head, because he has the largest head I've ever seen with the smallest neck, pencil neck.How does that big, fat, ugly head stand on a... on a little pencil... pencil... pencil neck?

There's probably something in there.But you might not be the perfect messenger to deliver a roast about someone's big, fat, ugly head.Very tough to land solid jokes about something you yourself clearly suffer from.Although admittedly, your big fat ugly head sits on what appears to be not a pencil, but a big fat ugly neck.So maybe the joke is a proportion issue.Hard to point out the pencil neck when your mug sits on what looks like a rhinoceros's vagina.

Part of the jokes was watching the crowd's reactions.It was a melange of confusion at a comedy show.You never want the audience at your comedy show to clear the choices that led them to that night.Did I go to grad school?The audience was so distraught and perplexed that at times it was difficult to discern whether you were watching their reactions to Trump bombing at this dinner or their reactions to a gunman interrupting the last one.Which brings us to the hottest game show of the summer season.

Shooting or bombing?Milling about, some smiling, some are filming, general sense of, eh, that's a good mix of schmooze, humor, a hint of concern or confusion.The correct answer, aftermath.That was after the shooting aftermath.Let's go to number two.Hmm, sadness and shock.

What happened?How could this have happened?The correct answer, that's the face he made while Trump was telling jokes.Look at his face.He's literally like, is anyone going to stop this madman?People are going to get hurt.

Here's the next one.See, okay, what is that?Is that the shooting or the bombing?Okay, all right.Obviously, that was after the shooting.I knew you would get it.

It's pretty easy.I just wanted to remind everybody that the night of the shooting, RFK Jr. left his wife to fend for herself.There was no trick to it.I just thought that was, like, the most f***ed up thing I'd ever seen in my life.Here's another quick roast rule.Try not to build a whole routine around a premise that's no longer operable.

You can't have somebody like a J .B.Pritzker, who I understand is not present, sadly, but, uh -uh.You know, some people say, never use the fat word, and I don't.I would never call anybody fat.I have my own problems, you know?

It's not like I'm perfect.Sir, in the back, don't call him a fat pig, okay?You can't call J .B.Pritzker a fat pig, please.Actually, he's lost a lot of weight.

I saw him recently.

He lost quite a bit of weight.So fat!Although, now, obviously, she's on the GLP -1s.And, uh, I mean, she does, if I'm being honest, looks fantastic.I mean, here's what I'm...Years ago, when she sat around the house, she really sat...

Although, I can't say that now.She looks, I mean, 50...The point is this.Your mother was so fat, I'm glad she got the help she needed.Here, listen.

If willing, she lives to see those beautiful grandchildren walking.If I saw my mother, I would have cried.The deeper problem for Trump is that last weekend revealed he has lived so long in a magical world of his own creation, curated for his comfort and positive reinforcement.He's the ultimate snowflake, rewarded with unearned participation trophy laughs that he doesn't even know what's actually funny.Because everything he says is funny in his trueshow of an administration.

And of course, the night demonstrated another hard truth about Donald Trump's administration.That whenever his warm front of fantasy collides with the cold front of reality, there's no one to blame but everyone else.

And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake.Big fat piece of cheesecake.Who the hell wrote that line?She wasn't high up on her totem pole.Who the hell wrote that?That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole frickin' stupid speech that they wrote.

That was the only good one, and that went down with not exactly great laughter.

You know what they say.A great carpenter always blames his tools.And Donald Trump is surrounded by tools.His writers let him down.Boy, Trump just kept digging.Tried to make a simple joke about Caitlyn Collins, but unfortunately triggered himself in the process, turning the entire event into a festivus grievance miracle.

But I want to personally congratulate CNN's Caitlyn Collins on receiving her award.It was all about me.It's a fake.She shouldn't get the award.It was a fake.But I didn't mind.

I said, Caitlyn, congratulations.But it was fake.There's no question about it.But she's a young, attractive woman.She never smiles.I said, Caitlyn, do you ever smile?

Smile.You have a nice position.You're at CNN Fake News.You should be a happy person.So smile, Caitlyn.Just smile.

My favorite thing in that is Wolf Blitzer kept looking over like, you want me to f**k him up?I'll go f**k him up.I'm going to get a piece of him.I'm going to get a piece of him.I'll go right up there.I'll slam the s**t on him.

Oh, Will Smith, that mother...You want me to...What the... name?This was a bad night.Don't take my word for it.Even Trump's cadre of media fanboys and girls had to admit it.

I've seen him be very funny, uh, and so I think he could have been a lot funnier.

I think it's a missed opportunity.It really had no positive... no positive effect on anybody, including him.

I think it could have been a lot shorter, and it could have been punchier.Some of the jokes veered off into very, uh, sort of ornery insults.Uh, and that's not gonna land, uh, for many audiences.

That guy couldn't polish this turd?That guy?Who spends his days bending over backwards to figure out how to tell you that the war in Iran is goo -goo?Even he's like, I can't put lipstick on this mother****er.Look, beyond the fact that Trump was terrible, the dinner should not have happened at all.In fact, it shouldn't ever happen.

Quite frankly, memorializing the collegial and cozy relationship between the press and those that they cover is, at best, a very bad look in normal times.I don't need to see the cops and robbers getting along at a banquet honoring our penal code.You can celebrate the First Amendment without askingyour opponent in that fight what he thinks.You already know what he thinks.

We are a nation that no longer has a free and fair press.Fake news is all you get.

Fake news, fake reporting is what's tearing this country apart.These corrupt press, they're corrupt.

Crooked, dishonest media.Just horrible people.They lie.These are horrible people.They're sick and evil people.Real scum, real dishonest people.

They're so bad for the country.It's almost treasonous, I have to be honest.It's almost treasonous.They are truly the enemy of the people.It's dessert!For the last piece of cheesecake!

As much as I enjoyed Donald Trump having to squirm through Wolf Blitzer describing in vivid detail why the Wall Street Journal won a reporting award, it was the end of that tour de force that demonstrated the perverse bargain the entire night encapsulated.

The journal's courageous reporting on President Trump's past relationship with financier Jeffrey Epstein triggered the release of the so -called Epstein files, thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained hidden from the public.And despite the president's threat of a lawsuit, the journal published a story about a provocative letter to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature.I love that he had to say that.Wolf should have just kept going.

I mean, you should have seen the shit they didn't release.

I mean, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

But it was the next moment that, for me, solidified that this event is worse than pro forma.It's actually an act of submission.

Trump quickly filed a $20 billion lawsuit against the Journal, revealing reporter Khadija Safdar's home address.Her family had to be relocated.

I'm a little stinker.She wrote an objectively true story about my depraved relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, and I got her life threatened.Did I do that?I mean, you'd think you'd all be mad at him, but they're all in there just shnicking it up.So he just gets to shake hands with the leaders of a profession, with the leaders of a profession whose members he has subpoenaed, arrested, sued, cut their funding, threatened their licenses, barred them and even had f***ing deported.And the sad truth is, if Trump had known he could win an award for that Epstein story, well, he'd have told them about the Epstein files himself.