Trump Deal Lets Iran Keep Missile Arsenal and $400 Billion & Republicans Lash Out | The Daily Show

Let's start with the big news of the day.Now, not the Knicks parade.We'll get to that later.How many times do I have to tell you kids you can't have your Knicks parade until you finish your Iran war, okay?Speaking of that, great news.The Iran war is finished.

In the gilded halls of Versailles, President Trump marking the end of the G7 summit by signing a memorandum of understanding with Iran.

That was signing the peace treaty?It felt more like paying the bill after dinner.Did Iran get the jalapeno poppers?Because I didn't have any of the poppers.I shouldn't have to pay for half the poppers.Although I can understand why Trump didn't want a bigger ceremony than this.

If you look at the details of this deal, it's not really that great for him.

The agreement's most controversial provision, a $300 billion framework for the reconstruction of Iran and the return of over $100 billion in assets that were frozen by the US.In exchange, Iran must allow toll -free passage through the Strait of Hormuz for 60 days, which existed before the war.

$300 billion?I mean, how did that happen?You know what?Wait a minute.Can we zoom in there for a second?Can we zoom in?

There it is.They got him with that automatic gratuity.You got to watch out for that.So, basically, we go back to where we were before the war, except Iran gets $400 billion.And to add insult to injury, the ayatollah is using all that cash to build himself a sweet -ass ballroom.So, you know what?

Maybe it's worth giving Iran a big old bribe if it means completely eliminating their military apparatus.

He conceded yesterday that it will not completely eliminate their military apparatus.

What?The whole ballistic missile arsenal that we were trying to dismantle?

The president saying it would be unfair for Iran not to have a ballistic missile arsenal while their neighbors in the Gulf do.

If other countries have them, it's a little bit unfair for them not to have some.

Slow down there, Miss Rachel.Uh, I don't know if sharing is caring applies to ICBMs.Okay, all right, I'm a bit confused here.I'm trying to remember Trump's position on all of this before the treaty.

We are going to destroy their missiles and raise their missile industry to the ground.It will be totally, again, obliterated.

Okay, okay, sounds bad.Maybe that was taken out of context.Can we play the rest of the sentence?

It will be totally, again, obliterated.Obliterated.Unless it's a little bit unfair.

Okay.Okay.Yes, thank you.See?See?See?

And you people doubted his dedication to equity and inclusion.But the fact that Donald Trump started a war that ended badly for him is not really a surprise.What's a little shocking is that conservatives are calling him out on it.

The details that I've seen so far look awful.

I don't want to see theocratic Islamists who want to kill us made stronger.

Counting the skeptical column.They're going to recover everything we've taken away from them.It's much bigger than a mistake.They're better off than they were before the hostilities began.

Wow.That assessment is brutal for Trump.I mean, the man who went to his barber and said, I want my head to look like the reservoir tip of a condom.thinks you have bad judgments.I mean, Mr. President, you need to bring the skeptics onto your side.And I'm sure you'll marshal all of your rhetorical wit and persuasive techniques to do so.

A furious response from the president.This is what he wrote before dawn.These fools who think I haven't been tough enough on Iran, they're just either jealous, bad people, or stupid.

Masterful, sir.Masterful.Oh, oh, another powerful rebuttal.On par with the greats.I believe it was Cicero who said, you fugly sluts wish you were thick like me.For more on the reaction to the Iran deal, let's go live to our senior foreign correspondent, Josh Johnson.

Josh, Josh, I got to say, this does not sound like the deal Trump wanted.It sure as shit doesn't, Jordan.

This deal... this deal sucks big ol' donkey dong, all right?This deal is the John Travolta in a beret of deals.It doesn't look good, and it's making a lot of people say, what the... am I even looking at?

I can -I can see you're mad.We're all mad, Josh, but I think there is a good lesson here about the arrogance, thinking we can just tear up a deal and get a better deal, when we really sometimes just need to live with the deal that we have.

Sure.We could do that, or I could tear this deal up right now and go get us a better one.

No, no.No, Josh, no.No, no.That's exactly what we just did.Don't tear up the deal.

I can't hear you over the...

No, no, Josh, don't.No, Josh, don't.Don't.Don't.Josh, don't tear it up.Man, don't tear it up.

Sorry, dude.To quote Natalie Imbruglia, you're a little late.It's already torn.I'm going over to Iran right now, and I'm gonna get us a new deal.

Josh.No, Josh!No, don't.Josh, is anybody alive?Josh?Josh?

Can you hear me?Can...Oh, God.Josh?Are you...Wait, are you...

Are you okay, Josh?Are you winning, Josh?Are you okay?Are you okay?That sounded...Josh, what happened?

Jordan, I underestimated how jacked they were under those robes.Yeah.Are...Are you okay?Do I look okay?To quote Natalie Imbruglia, I am cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor.

This new deal is even worse.All right, now we gotta give them twice as much money, and I straight up had to give them Nebraska.I am so sorry, Nebraska.Y 'all gonna have to move out by the end of the month.Also, I'm sorry, Jordan.As part of the deal, they get to watch you shower.

What?Why is that part of the deal?Don't worry, it's not sexual.They just never seen anyone that tall try to wash his feet before.You do wash your feet, right?

Yes, I mean, sometimes.I mean, they're... they're far away.It doesn't...Goddamn it, Josh!This is exactly the cycle I was talking about avoiding.

You right, you right.I thought I could get a better deal, and I couldn't.And now they get to see you naked, which has got to feel like a violation.And this deal is so much worse, which is why I'm gonna go back over there and get us a better deal, all right?

No, no, no, Josh, no.

How can you forget the lesson just this fast?Shut up, all right?Iran can suck my nuts, all right?Last thing those muscly Iranians will expect is to see me again, all right?

No, Josh, Josh, Josh.Come back.You're going to make it worse.No.Is that a cat?That sounds like a cat.

Josh, can you hear me?Tell them I don't love the shower thing.Josh.Josh.Oh, boy.

They got me bad.All right.They got me so bad.To quote Natalie Imbruglia, they twisted my nipple smooth off.That is not a Natalie Imbruglia song.My head is spinning.

I can't even remember a single Natalie Imbruglia lyric.

Okay, is the new deal even worse?Stop spinning, Jordan!

I'm still, Josh.What's the new deal?Well, it isn't all bad.Some of it's extremely bad.We owe them a trillion dollars a month.We give them all our bombs.

Ballistic nuclear bath bombs, too.Also, they get a fourth round draft pick in the NFL, and we had to legally change your name from Jordan Klepper to Captain Bitch Tits.How do you agree to that?They wanted deputy bitch tits.I got you a promotion.No, no.

No, go in there.Go get in there and negotiate that.Go to the deal.No, no.I learned my lesson.This cycle of violence has to end.

I've lost a nipple every time I've gone to Iran.I'm ready to accept the deal we have.You were right the whole time.And I thank you for your wisdom, bitch tits.

That's captain bitch tits to you, Josh Johnson.Josh Johnson, everybody.