Trump Dumps Feces onto No Kings Protesters in Bizarre AI Video, George Santos Freed from Prison

Welcome to the show. We have a fun one for you tonight. Let's get to some news. Guys, first up, a lot of people are talking about this. A group of thieves broke into the Louvre and stole priceless Napoleon-era jewels in a seven-minute daytime heist.

No.

It's not good when the deodorant at CBS has better security than the Louvre. Can I just get the deodorant? I got to get a key from my manager." Right now, the security guards are like, who forgot to turn on the ring doorbell?

We did not turn on. It's sometimes a spy that we don't know what this is. Also, I'm not a big conspiracy guy, but George Santos is released from prison on Friday, and the Louvre gets robbed on Sunday. Coincidence? I don't... I want to put it out there, but I did.

Let's get to some political news.

Over the weekend, millions of people across the country gathered to protest President Trump at No King's rallies.

-♪ No king's rallies! ♪

Thank you. Thank you.

You know it's bad when 7 million people make plans on a Saturday, then actually follow through. You know it's bad when 7 million people make plans on a Saturday then actually follow through, you know? Well, despite the protests and the government shutdown, Trump is still keeping a busy schedule. Here, I'll break it down for you.

Monday, meetings. Tuesday, Fox News. Wednesday, travel. Thursday, Rob the Louvre. Friday, spend the whole day resting. Free George Santos. He's my bestie.

Next day, protest going further. I'm the best king, except Burger. Sunday, post an A.I. meme. Pick a costume for Halloween. Something cool, but not too cutesy. OMG, I'll go as Rumi. Golf and sleep. I'm feeling tranquil.

Make Don Jr. rub my cankles. Go ask Barron, pressing question, what the hell is a six-seven? 10 golf, sleep 10, no more work. Call up Vlad, you hang up first. Golf, sleep, Epstein, shred a stack.

I hope the government never comes back.

-♪♪ -♪♪ Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, guys, a lot of people are still talking

about Trump's decision to commute the sentence of former lying New York Congressman George Santos. Well, you guys, here actually to talk about it is with us tonight. Joining us via satellite, please welcome George Santos.

Hello, James. It's great to be on your show. By the way, I'm loving your monologue. And you know I never lie.

Oh!

Well, we appreciate you being here. I'm sure you're very busy.

Oh, I've been incredibly busy. I just finished a photo shoot for a movie where I play Bruce Springsteen. It's gonna be a massive hit. Massive!

Like you know what, Jimmy?

Now, are you thankful that Trump — are you thankful to Trump for commuting your sentence?

Oh, I'm incredibly thankful. I find the president so wise and stunningly handsome. Forgiveness is the only path forward, you know, Jimmy. I learned that from my great-great-grandfather, Jesus.

All right.

-♪♪

I think that's enough. Clearly, you haven't learned your lesson about lying. Now, is there anything you'd like to say before you leave?

Not say. Sing. Just a little number I wrote while I was in prison. It's about looking forward to the future. We're going up, up, up. It's gonna be cold.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Get out of here. No, George Santos, everybody. He did not write that song. No, no, George Santos, everybody. Thank you, George. He did not write that song. Switching gears today, Amazon Web Services was hit by a massive outage that brought down major apps and websites like Fortnite, Snapchat, and Facebook.

Everyone under 20 was like, not Fortnite. Everyone under 30 was like, not Snapchat. And everyone over 40 was like, not Facebook. So if you're keeping track of the things that are currently shut down, it's the government, the Internet, and the New York Jets.

That's it.

Well, get this, Wikipedia said that traffic to their site is falling because people are using AI instead. And AI said the same thing, slightly reworded it, and cited them as a source. You guys see this?

On-cloud customers are suing the sneaker company over their shoes causing a noisy and embarrassing squeak. It's fun. Every step sounds like a boy hitting puberty. It's kind of tough to be like, I'm suing you, then leave the room like...

-♪ Squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak. ♪

On the bright side, they're the perfect gift for grandpa, so you can track him when he wanders off. Some entertainment news. I saw that Monster, the story of Ed Gein, was the number-one show on Netflix last week with over 20 million viewers. So far, they've done ones about Ed Gein, the Menendez brothers, Jeffrey Dahmer,

but some other versions aren't as popular. Have you heard of these? Like, here's this one here. Monster, the neighbor who hands out raisins on Halloween. That's a monster. Check this one here. Monster, the barefoot seatmate on your long flight. I could change the channel from here. Then there's Monster, the co-worker who says it's Fry-yay.

And finally, there's Monster, dudes who use the middle urinal. You know? It's all right. We don't have to use it.

-♪ Whoo! ♪

And finally, according to The Wall Street Journal, a lot of fine-dining restaurants are now recommending expensive bottles of water to pair with their meals. Meanwhile, at Applebee's, the waiter asked, -"Sink or tub?" We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody.

-♪ Whoo! ♪♪ ♪♪

What a show we have for you tonight. He stars in the new movie, Frankenstein, which is in theaters now and on Netflix November 7th. Oscar Isaac is here tonight!

Yes!

She is an activist, a best-selling author, and the youngest Nobel Prize winner in history. Her new book, Finding My Way, is available tomorrow. Malala Yousafzai is joining us, everybody.

-♪ Malala Yousafzai ♪

And we got great music from Audrey Hober!

-♪ Malala Yousafzai ♪

Fun show tonight. Well, this is fun. We actually polled our audience to see what people are watching these days. And here's what they said. It's time for a Tonight Show Pie Charts. Here we go.

-♪ Pie Charts ♪

♪ Pie Charts ♪ First up, one asked, what have you been watching lately? 1% said documentaries about climate change. 1% said a series about journalism's role in democracy.

98% said, is it cake Halloween? Here's another one. One asked, what's the last thing that made you scream? 15% said, Black Phone 2. 20% said, weapons. 65% said, the Internet crashing for five minutes this morning. Next up, one asked, what is the longest movie you've ever seen?

10% said, Titanic. 10% said, The Irishman. 80% said, every unskippable YouTube app. One asked, -♪♪♪ Up next, one asked,

-♪♪♪

Next up, when asked, are you planning to watch NCIS Sydney, 15% said yes, 85% said, nah. Next, when asked, who's your favorite actor right now, 60% said Pedro Pascal, 39% said Matt Damon. Your mom said, the guy from the thing with the people. He's married to, what's-her-face.

No, what's-her-face. And finally, it went to ask, what are you most excited to see return? 20% said the Witcher. 20% said the Hunting Wives. 60% said the federal government.

There you have it, everybody. Stick around. We'll be right back with Oscar Isaac. We'll be right back with Oscar Isaac.

Come on back.