Trump Gushes Over Xi & Jon Helps 2026 Graduates Land a Job the Trump Way | The Daily Show

Hey, welcome to The Daily Show.My name is Jon Stewart.We have a program for you tonight, par excellence.

French.

Also later on tonight, economists Sumea Caines and Chad P. Bone will be here.Make some noise for the economists.We got the bones in the house.I want to check with everybody.Is everybody feeling good?You feeling good?

You feeling safe?I know why.I know why you're feeling good.I know why you're feeling safe.Because Daddy's back home.He's back home.

He's gone for a couple days in China.Were you scared?

Where's Daddy?I'm so scared.Where's Daddy?

But now he's home, and I'm sure he brought us all the goodies from China.Because as we all know, nobody, and I mean nobody, tougher on China rhymes with vagina than Donald J. Trump.

The only way you're going to get along well with China is you have to deal from a position of strength.I stood up to China like no administration has ever done before.Nobody was tougher, like, on China than I was.I'm the toughest person in China, anywhere in the world.There's never been anybody tougher in China than me.He's like a bull - China shop!

Please, they call it over there a shop.Myself, I own.That's not for me.Let's see some of that famous toughness in action.

Let him have it!I want to thank President Xi, my friend.He's a man I respect greatly.The relationship is a very strong one.You're a great leader.I say it to everybody.

You're a great leader.Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it's true.I only say the truth.

Yeah, take that, President Xi!He's the only leader with the balls to come to your house and say right to your face what was better than you.And you know what?Trump's going to say something right now.Xi, you don't even have to say it back to him.You know what?

That's OK.There's a lot of ways to negotiate.Sometimes you get more flies with honey.So what did you get, Mr. President?Trade barriers down?Help with Iran?

Some of them delicious rare earth metals?

What's the most significant, specific thing you walk away from here for the U .S.?I think the most important thing is relationship.It's all about relationship.

So nothing?What is it?400 million miles?I don't know how far it is!It's giant!Far!

You flew there to personally confront our rival superpower on the escalating trade and geopolitical tensions between us.And all you came back with was his Instagram?The tariffs are in place, but we're on the close friend's story now.Well, he's on mine.Was there any positive movement?

He said the U .S.was declining for the last four years.And he said what President Trump has done in the last 15 yearsmonths has been virtually a miracle.He said, we have the hottest.

He said, we have the hottest country anywhere in the world.

That's what she said.Is that what she said?Because that quote sounds really a lot like you.President Xi actually took you aside, Donald Trump, and said, actually said, President Xi said, you have the hottest country like no one has ever seen before.You only need a ballroom, that's all you need.Is there at least any information about Xi that you glean being over there that the United States might be able to exploit in future negotiations?

If you went to Hollywood and you looked for a leader of China, you wouldn't, you couldn't find a guy like him.He's tall, very tall.And especially for this country, because they tend to be a little bit shorter.

You come back with like, this guy, he's like, I mean, you're Chinese, you think.President Xi is apparently taller than what a 79 -year -old white guy can do.idea of what a Chinese person's height should be.I -I...Listen, it's probably as good as we can expect from Trump.He's probably like, yeah, and Xi's eyes are definitely wider than I thought they'd be.

Usually...You...Hey, is it...Can I do the eyes to show him?Is it okay if I do the eyes?There was no pee -pee in my Coke, contrary to what I've been told.

watching this and wondering, is this guy president?And yet, I've got it wrong.Time to stop being exasperated by this, by Trump.And maybe it's time to see if we can glean lessons from Trump's rise.Look, folks, it's May.And we were even getting questions about it today from young people.

It's May.It's graduation season.Thousands of graduates are going into the world to interview for their dream job.And maybe the advice that we've been giving them all along about honesty and hard work and all that other gay shit.Complete should all be students at Donald Trump University, which obviously you can't be because it was a fraud and got shut down, but medically.And so that's what we're gonna do.

Class of 2026, everybody gather round the... whatever it is you watch TV on.All right.Your phone, brain chip, smart fridge, however you're watching this.We're gonna walk you through what you really need to do to nail that important job interview the Donald Trump way.We'll start at the very beginning.Young grad, you walk into the room, and what have we always told you to do?

Eye contact, firm handshake, settle in.But that's what losers do.What you want to do is set the terms of the battle in the interview.There!I will take your f***ing hand!Perspective implores no to now.

And if you come out of that interview with a hand that looks any less grotesque than this one, you did it wrong.

I think you're a good fit for Al.You know, I went to great schools.I'm like a smart person.I guarantee my IQ is much higher.than any of these people.I'm good at language.

I've always been good at money.I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them.I know words.I have the best words.I have a very, very fertile... very fertile brain.

That's how you do it, graduates.I cannot stress this enough.Make your answer cocky and super -fucking -weird.These other people might be good, but I have words and a fertile brain.Brain can get pregnant.Pregnant brain.

Pregnant brain make more brain.Lots of brain.Now, the next thing the interviewer is going to say to you is, why do you want to work here?And the right answer is, I need this job.

I had a very nice life.I think I would have been a good general.My mother, she said, son, you could be a professional baseball player.I could have been a flutist.I could have been sunbathing on the beach.You have never seen a body so beautiful.

Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab such a talented athlete, flutist, nudist.But see, now the interviewer's on the back foot.They got all their stupid, pre -planned bullshit questions that everybody's supposed to have a pro forma response to, and you just get to knock them down one after the other.Oh, tell us about one of your weaknesses.

Yeah, I have weaknesses.I really believe I have weaknesses, but it's something I don't like discussing becauseI don't want to give it up.That's the stuff!

In the interview, what are your weaknesses?I don't know.Hire me and you'll find out.I'm reckless.I make decisions on impulse.I do very little planning.

I'm corrupt as a motherfucker.But that's gonna be my little secret until I get this job.Oh, for here's, here's one, here's one of my weaknesses.I make all the women in the office incredibly uncomfortable.

It's that face, it's that brain, it's those lips, the way they move, they move like she's a machine gun.There she is.You don't mind being called beautiful, right?Because you are, you are beautiful.I'm not allowed to say that myself anyway.

That's not going to be a problem in the office, is it?Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for the job interviewer to ask about weaknesses.Oh, they also want to know, tell us about a time you struggled.Now, you've been taught, graduates, that they're expecting humility, to prostrate yourself on a life lesson you learned.But that's for losers.The Trump strategy is to remind the interviewer that they would kill to have the kind of obstacles you had.

It has not been easy for me.And, you know, I started off in Brooklyn.My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars.

You poor bastard.He had to start off in Brooklyn, an outer borough, with only a small loan.I mean, if you look at the check, honestly, it's mostly zeros.Now you've made it through the interviewer's psychological probing, meant to reveal your introspective and self -critical side, and you've given them nothing.Well done.These bastards aren't done.

They think a little playful hobby question might be the way to unlock a new grad's potential.self, who they really are.Something stupid like, oh, what's your favorite book?But you got this.

The Bible is the best.One of the great books.

Now, those interview coaching firms or your school's career offices or your parents or responsible friends are going to probably advise you to have read whatever book you mentioned as your favorite.Winners don't have that kind of time.And what are the odds that they'll ask a follow -up anyway?

I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored Bible verses are and why.

I wouldn't want to get into it, because to me, that's very personal.You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal, so I don't want to get into verses.

I don't want to get into...There's no verses that means a lot to you that you think about or cite?

The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't want to get into specifics.

Even to cite a verse that you like?

No, I don't want to do that.

As people who love the Bible famously hate sharing their favorite parts.Keep it on!I mean, we've all seen this guy at the baseball games.Pretty clear.You're lucky.

Keep it going.Are you an Old Testament guy or a New Testament guy?Uh, probably equal.

Old Testament, Old Testament.I'm a Jew for Jesus.I don't get it.As the interviewee, you have been very patient in this interview with your prospective employer's questions.Conventional wisdom would say, if you want to get that job,you got to keep it that way.

Calm, cool, answering questions to the best of your ability.But that just encourages them to continue this nonsense.Now it's time to let them know that just because it is literally their job to ask you questions, doesn't mean they can ask you questions.What a stupid question that is.

That's such a stupid question you asked.And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person.

Don't ever say what you said.That's a nasty question.

Why do you give me a horrible question?It's not the question that I mind.It's your attitude.Only, uh...Bad person would ask a question like that.I don't know who you are, but only a very evil person would ask a question like that.

So for you graduates, I know that this advice and behaving in the way you just witnessed seems counterintuitive.Why would I alienate the very people that I'm appealing to, who are just doing their job and asking reasonable questions?And my answer to that is, I don't know.I don't know why this works.I don't f***ing get it.But here we are, and here he is.

And he's the president!And I'm on basic cable!I don't understand!So the point is, it doesn't make sense.Just f***ing do it!Look, chances are at this point, once you hit him with the, that's a stupid question and you're evil, the interview is over.

Because you've aced it.But you might not have quite sealed the deal.Remember, we're in modern times.They're going to check your social media profile.And chances are, you probably have some questionable ones in there like, best wishes to the haters and losers on 9 -11.Or it might be just you.

Still freaks me out to see.The thing that bothers me the most about this picture, I know it's AI generated, I know he's not Jesus, and I know I'm not really the guy in the bed.Apparently if you plug into AI, Trump heals sick elderly man.My picture, artificial intelligence thinks, is dying.To the task at hand.Most of the literati will tell you, oh Try and have a good, cogent, believable reason for questionable posts that you made on social media.

Well, it wasn't a picture.

It was me. I did post it, and I thought it was me as the doctor.

Because apparently, even though the Bible is Trump's favorite book, he doesn't know the difference between Robby Rabinovich and Jesus.So far as a recent graduate, and it's looking great.The only thing really left to do for the interviewer is to get you to list some references.

When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's a world -class player.Bill Barr, a terrific person, a brilliant man.

Great.Thanks for that.Now all we have to do is check those references.

He is a consummate narcissist.

So he certainly falls into the general condition of a fascist.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a, quote, effing moron.

Nailed it!So great job in the interview so far.You've been arrogant, self -centered, narcissistic, ignorant, quick to claim credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short -tempered, vulgar, corrupt.Name any sin from Trump's favorite book you've been in.And apparently in the upside down that is now our country, that's the way to do it.So congratulations, you're hired.

The only thing left to do now is blatantly steal from whoever it was that hired you.

The Trump administration has just announced it is creating a $1 .7 billion fund to compensate Trump's allies and January 6th defendants.The fund, which will be financed by American taxpayers, comes as Trump is dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against the federal government.Congratulations, graduates.