Trump Has "Really Big News" on Election Security

It's a late night.We hope you're doing well.And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.Ahead of tonight's primetime address, President Trump said that he was going to reveal really big news on election security.Now, we tape our show early, so we don't know what he said.Then again, if you watch the speech, you also don't know what he said.

Treasury Secretary Scott Besson announced yesterday that the U .S.Mint will begin striking a $1 gold coin with Trump's face on it, but you can tell they used kind of an old picture because his eyes are open.When asked in a new interview if he would have a UFC fight at the White House if he was president, Vice President J .D.Vance said, quote, uh, I don't know, man.

If it helps, you're never gonna have to worry about it.Former President Joe Biden announced yesterday he will release a new memoir titled, "...Promise Me America."It's the first -ever book to be written in large print.We got a big old typewriter, too.Every time you hit a key, everybody go, uh.During a defense summit yesterday at the U .

S.Army War College, President Trump spoke about the history of Pennsylvania during the Civil War and added, quote...Oh, right.During the same event, President Trump asked executives at the defense company General Dynamics to build submarines faster, because if you're building a vessel to safely take people hundreds of feet under the sea, the most important thing is that it was put together in a hurry.During yesterday's Senate confirmation hearing, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanch said that he does not believe President Trump is eligible to run for a third term.Also, he'll be 82.

The only thing he'll be eligible foris a reverse mortgage.In an interview yesterday at the Espy Awards, President Trump's granddaughter, Kai, said she wants to stay out of politics and added, quote, Well, it's not your grandpa's thing, either, but that didn't stop him.New York Mayor Zoran Mondani yesterday attended a World Cup watch party with inmates at Rikers Island.That's how crowded the other bars were.Yeah, no, I got a table.

French lawmakers voted yesterday to legalize medically -assisted death.Oh, was starting smoking at six not enough?Dude's a cool cat.I thought that picture would bum people out.Instead, I think everybody's like, I want to hang out with that guy.Finally, a passenger was recently arrested at the Portland airport after TSA officials allegedly found more than 50 pounds of marijuana in his checked luggage, or, as it's known in Portland, a week's worth.

And that was a monologue for you tonight.You know him from Good Will Hunting, The Talented Mr. Ripley, The Martian, and so many more incredible films.He's currently starring in The Odyssey, which is in theaters Friday.Matt Damon is here, everybody.So excited.And she is the lead studio host for NBC Sports Premier League coverage and is currently hosting coverage of Fox Sports' presentation of FIFA World Cup 2026.

We've got a lot of soccer to talk about.Rebecca Lowe is also joining us.What a great time to have Rebecca here.Before we get to all that, a job growth is slowing.Real wages are falling.Prices for everything from housing to gas to groceries to electricity to health insurance are up.

AI slob is everywhere.The war with Iran is spiraling.Wildfire smoke is blanketing the Northeast.And thousands of Americans have explosive diarrhea.Thanks to a parasite, the Trump administration stopped tracking, but don't worry.The president and his team are laser -focused on the important stuff.

Magnetic catapults and sperm counts.For more on this, it's time for a closer look.Once in a while, we like to remind you about the 2024 campaign because most people have busy lives.It's easy to forget, but I don't forget.I got a stack of VHS tapes with everything Donald Trump's ever said on them.Every night, I go home and I watch them over and over again while drinking whiskey, chain -smoking parliaments, My kids come, and they say, "'Daddy, read us a book with us!' And I'm like, "'No, no!'

I'm close to finding the clip that finally takes him down." Point is, we like to replay these moments. Every once in a while, just to remind you that this is what Trump told people his presidency was going to be all about. -"We will end inflation and make America affordable again.

" -"Prices will come down.You just watch.They'll come down, and they'll come down fast." -"I will rapidly drive prices down, and we will make America affordable again." make America affordable again.We're gonna get your energy prices down by 50%.

Groceries, cars, everything, we're gonna get the prices down.

We will end inflation and make America affordable again.A vote for Trump means your groceries will be cheaper.Getting gasoline below $2 a gallon, bring down the price of everything from electricity rates to groceries, airfares, and housing costs.They call it groceries.lettuce, tomato, oh, everything is so much higher than it ever was, and we're going to bring that down?

Okay, but maybe skip the lettuce so you don't turn your colon into a water slide.Trump said he was going to bring down the price of lettuce, and not only is it more expensive, it could also give you explosive diarrhea.We're bringing back the germs.We're bringing them back very strongly.E. coli!Listeria cyclospora.

That's the new one.Salmonella!We love Salmonella.His full name is Salvatore Angelo Manilla.He's a bookie from Staten Island.He's best friends with Rudy Giuliani.

You know, looking back, looking back, this might have been a bad sign.

They call it groceries.Bacon, lettuce, tomato.

Actually, they call that a BLT.It's, like, famously a much faster way to say that.We should have known he wasn't going to be able to bring down the price of groceries, because it seemed like he just found out about groceries.He's talking about it like he's doing an expose for Dateline.They call it groceries, and it's more common than you think.Your teenager might be doing groceries right now.

That's what Trump spent the entirety of the campaign promising Americans he would focus on, bringing prices down.But now, if you ask him about it, He says the whole thing is a hoax.

with words, but we came up with a good word, too.They're Democrats, dumb.You take the B out.Most people don't know that dumb has a B, okay?But the U replaces the E, and you have a Democrat.

When your doctors heard that, did they say, hey, buddy, want to come take a fifth cognitive test?We think you'll ace it.Also, did they say affordability or affordability?So Trump said he would fix high prices.That's what the whole campaign was about.And then he got into office, and his collection of Internet -poisoned weirdos got obsessed with bizarre sh -t like this.

50 % of the testosterone is in 65 -year -old men.For men in 1970, men had twice the sperm count as our teenagers do today.Male sperm counts, I think, in this country are down 50 % for teenage males.I read the other day that teenage males today have less sperm than the average 65 -year -old American man.

Oh, you read that?What do you read?Is there an erotic fiction section in AARP magazine?Seriously, why is a Cabinet official talking about testosterone and sperm counts in the Oval Office?Is this a meeting with the President, or are you a gym teacher subbing in for health class?Of course, it won't surprise you to learn this is nonsense, and a study found that there is no cause for panic, but Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is still concerned because he doesn't have much else going on, and...

Got a lot of free time on his hand.This week, he announced that if you're in the military, you better get ready to have your testosterone levels checked.

It's entirely your choice to receive testosterone replacement therapy.

Cool, cool.What about the war in Iran?Is testosterone gonna fix the war in Iran?The war has made gas more expensive.So today we're also unveiling a new program to fill your car with testosterone.Not only is it cheaper, but your Kia Optima will start to grow muscles and facial hair.

And when you honk, just beware, it gets really angry.out of my way !"Consistent. It's consistent. I mean, it's insane this is what the military is focused on right now, while the U .S. wages a war that's spiking prices with no end in sight. But don't worry. Unlike Pete Hegstead, the president is focusing on our actual military capabilities, like our aircraft carriers. And I'm sure he's talking about them in very sane, very normal ways. -"One of the first things I went to see was the Ford aircraft carrier.

It was way over budget, and it had It had things on it that you didn't need, like it had magnet.to lift up the elevators with 10 and 12 planes on them.Think of it.It had all sorts of modern -day things that were all, instead of using steam for the catapults, they used electric.Let's have an electric catapult.And I said, I want to meet the catapulter.

And a man came over, along with four of his assistants.And I said, what's better?electric catapult or steam?He's been there for 25 years.He said, steam is better, sir.We can fix it with a hammer and a blowtorch.

When the electric goes bad, I have to send to MIT to get geniuses over here.

Well, it definitely makes sense they would have to go elsewhere to find geniuses.The catapult's broken.Should we call the president?Well, he just learned that dumb ends with a B. So let's call someone else.Also, can we, you know, just for fun, go back to this part?

And I said, I want to meet the catapulter.

Is there actually a person with the job title Catapolter, or did he just make that up?Because I could definitely see Trump saying, I want to meet the Catapolter, and everyone's like, who?And Trump's like, the Catapolter, the guy who does the catapult.And they say, what does he look like?And Trump says, he's got a long green body and a red head, and they call him the Very Hungry Catapolter.Very hungry.

Yeah, he's not done with the leaf.Oh, he's not done with just the leaf.Now, in case you're not familiar, this is a long -running obsession for Trump, and I am loathe to even bring up his catapult obsession.Because the last time I did, the president posted on Truth Social that I, your beloved talk show host, talked endlessly about electric catapults on aircraft carriers.But to catch you up, Trump is talking about the catapults that launch fighter jets into the air.He loves the old ones that use steam and hates the new ones that are electric.

And he really, really hates the new ships that launchmagnets for reasons that, brace yourself, don't make, like, a ton of sense.

When a little water touches the magnets, it doesn't work anymore.You're in the Atlantic Ocean with waves that are 60 feet high and the Pacific Ocean with waves that are 70 feet high, and they're talking about magnets.It makes you want to get sick.

I've never seen someone get this worked up over a f---- -g magnet.Makes me sick, and don't get me started on refrigerator magnets.One time, I wanted to spell dumb, but I couldn't find the B. Not many people know there's a B. Also, magnets don't stop working when they're wet.You're thinking of, I don't know, cell phones or gremlins.Magnets get wet.All you have are wet magnets.

They're magnetic fields still work in water.Also, why the f**k am I explaining this to you?I'm not Mr. Wizard.In fact, some, at some point, Trump even seemed to realize that he'd maybe droned on for a little too long about the catapults.

I hope I'm not boring anybody, but it's all common sense.This isn't exactly part of my speech, but I got to tell you, you know, I'm getting it all out now, all the anger I have when I hear about electric catapults.

Yeah, you have a weird amount of anger about this.You might want Pete Heseth to check your testosterone levels, you know?Maybe you need to be drained.Also, nobody thought this was part of your speech.Nobody thought the word catapulter had been loaded into the teleprompter.Can you imagine how much money you could make on calci if you bet the catapulter was going to be in Donald Trump's speech?

And if you think that's a crazy idea, it was reported today that the White House teleprompter operator allegedly made more than $100 ,000 betting on Trump's speeches.Everybody's getting their grift on in the Trump White House, baby.Can you believe that?Can you believe that a teleprompter...operator would trade on inside information?

It doesn't surprise me at all, Seth.Teleprompter operators are bad people.Some of the worst I've ever met.

I'm sorry, buddy.Let me explain.Wally's a cue card guy, so he hates teleprompters.

Profiting from inside information?Just be happy one of them didn't burn your house down.Oh, come on.They're not that bad, Wally.That's easy for you to say.You've never had a gang of them taunt you.

I have.Hey, card boy, where you going?Let me guess, to write out Seth's script?Yeah, your script, Seth.Seth, they're monsters!They're just monsters!

All right, that's enough, Wally.Also, Wally, be honest.When was the last time you personally wrote one of the cue cards?

Oh, it's been years.I pay teens to do it now.Okay.

Thank you for your honesty.Of course, none of this stuff matters to most Americans, the catapults, the testosterone.People just want to know when this pointless and costly war with Iran is going to end, because things are escalating and there's no plan, even though Trump keeps claiming that a deal is near.

and they do want to settle, we'll find out whether or not we settle with them or we just finish it off.They're nasty people, but they want to make a deal.I can tell you they want to make a deal.

You've claimed a deal is closed no fewer than 38 times.Not a joke.Then you signed a deal that lasted, like, three weeks and then said it was over and then went back to fighting them, and now you're saying they want to make a deal again.You know what you should do?You should send RFK Jr. in there to talk about sperm counts.They'll surrender in, like, five minutes.

I've been monitoring sperm counts in teenagers.The ones that write Wally's cards.Just tell this guy to stop talking about sperm.None of this addresses the thing Americans expected when they went to the polls.They just want life to be more affordable.Instead, it's gotten worse.

Every day is a constant stream of humiliation, scandals, and bizarre obsessions, from catapults to teleprompters.to testosterone.Trump never stops.When it comes to BS, he's the very hungry... -"Catapulter."This has been A Closer Look.