Trump Puppy-Dogs Japan’s New PM and Rants About Magnets to U.S. Troops | The Daily Show

I'm Desi Lydic. We've got so much to talk about tonight. The government still hasn't come back from buying cigarettes. Trump tours Japan and manages not to do the accent. And later on in the show, Lucy Dacus will be performing. Unfortunately, she said I cannot sing back up. So let's kick things off with the headlines.

The government shutdown is on day 28, which is when it sheds its uterine lining. Buckle up, it's gonna be a rough ride. And the longer this goes on, the worse things get. Air traffic controllers are getting exhausted, Americans are about to lose SNAP benefits, and the White House is falling apart. Oh, I'm sorry, what? Oh, that was done on purpose. This is the perfect time for President Trump to meet the moment with his famous deal-making skills and master negotiating to end this shutdown. President Donald Trump currently on his way to Asia for a

high-stakes tour of the region. Okay, government will be here when you get back, maybe. Boys trip! Let's get into it with our ongoing segment Trump meets

world. International humiliation, one after another.

Donald Trump is spending the week in Asia, and today he was in Japan to meet their new Prime Minister, Sanae Takeuchi. She's Japan's first female Prime Minister. She's also their first Japanese female prime minister. Although I'm told in Japan that's not really a big deal. If she were America's first

Japanese female prime minister, I mean come on! Cursory! Anyway, good news, it's already looking like the beginning of a big, beautiful friendship. In her

diplomatic debut as prime minister, Sanae Takeichi heaped praise on President Trump and vowed to make new investments in the US.

Very strong hand.

-♪♪

Very strong handshake. So if you see any weird bruises on my hand, that's why.

-♪♪

Although it's not surprising when a woman has a strong handshake. We build up our strength by clutching our keys between our fingers at night like a patriarchy Edward Scissorhands. Now the purpose of Trump's visit was to discuss critical trade agreements and reaffirm our alliances. But first, Donnie gets presents. Takaichi, even at this bilateral meeting, we saw her gift Trump a golf club.

She also gifted him a golden golf ball.

Wow.

OK, she is a great gift giver. A golf ball covered in gold? That is a combination of two of Trump's favorite things. I mean, how could you even top that? Maybe an Epstein Island made of Lee Greenwoods? And after the gift-giving it was time for some ceremony. So the Prime Minister

showed off her new friend Trump to a gathering of uniformed soldiers. We see here in this solemn moment of respect two allies totally in sync. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Mr. President, where are you going? Nope, that's the kitchen. Whoops. Nope. Over here. Mr. Trump, back over here. Hold on. Oopsie-daisy. But aside from that one slip-up, President Trump did a great job of letting the Prime Minister walk him from one side of the room to the other.

It kind of makes me wonder if Donald Trump could have a real future as a show dog.

Introducing one of the favorites of tonight's show, the old American beaver hound.

Mm-hmm, he is in the care of expert handler Sanae Takeuchi.

Lively, aggressive, and incredibly horny, the beaver hound is especially popular among rural white families.

That's right, and judges tonight will be looking for the hallmarks of a good Beaver Hound. Strong veneers, griffy cankles.

Whoops.

It looks like he's wandered away from his handler. That's going to cost him some points.

OK, he looks like he's back on that turn. The beaver hound's golden mane is glistening. Indeed, and now one final trick. A leap onto the platform. And... nailed it!

Wow!

What a performance by the old American beaver hound.

Who's a good president? Not you! Not you! Of course, it wouldn't be a Trump trip overseas without a visit to the US troops who are stationed in every country in the world for reasons that are never quite clear.

And after the prime minister made Trump feel so comfortable, he thought it was only fair for him to return the favor by bringing her along to make her feel uncomfortable.

But the cherished alliance between the United States and Japan is one of the most remarkable relationships in the entire world. Really there's never been anything like it. Born out of the ashes of a terrible war, our bond has grown over eight decades.

Oh my god.

Look at her face. We all know that face. That is the look of a woman who's going to be talking about this ashes of war thing the second they get to the car. I'm not going to embarrass you in front of your friends,

but we will talk about this later. But I'm glad the president is having such a fun time while the government's shut down. Speaking of which, let's just check in to see how

the negotiations are going. People keep commenting to me, you look so tired on TV. I am so tired because we're not sleeping a lot. We're working overtime.

Oof.

Yikes.

Yeah.

It's okay though. In my experience, a tired Johnson should be back up and ready to go in like 30 minutes. 20 if he's been eating oysters. And look, Mike, I know shutdown negotiations are tough, but President Trump is in Japan working just as hard.

-♪ We do have a hard time ♪ ♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪ ♪ It's fun to stay at the... ♪

Now, remember, troops, don't be gay. Now I don't want this to imply that this speech was entirely jerk-off dancing. Trump did have some important updates for the troops stationed in Japan.

I'm going to sign an executive order. When we build aircraft carriers, it's steam for the catapults and it's hydraulic for the elevators. You know the new thing is magnets. So instead of using hydraulic that you can be hit by lightning and it's fine, you take a little glass of water and you drop it on magnets. I don't

know what's gonna happen. What?

What? What the f*** are you talking about? You don't know what's gonna happen if you get water on a magnet? The magnet gets wet. That's it. It's a magnet, okay? Not a gremlin.

Here, you know what? Let me show you. Water. Magnet. Magnet and water. See? Nothing happens.

-♪♪ -♪♪ What? -♪♪ -♪♪ -♪♪

-♪♪ -♪♪ Damn it.

Well, when he's right, he's right. Now Trump obviously didn't spend the whole time talking about magnets. He also asked the troops how they felt about magnets.

Which is better? Hydraulic or magnets? What the hell is wrong with these people?

Well that's a scientific poll if I've ever seen one. Which option do you like? The one that I, your boss, prefer or the one that I have an unhinged vendetta against? I am so curious how military recruitment is gonna work in this country. Question one do you promise to serve this nation and protect the Constitution? Question two do you f*** with magnets? By the way Trump has been baffled by magnets for quite

some time. Now all I know about magnets is this. Give me a glass of water. Let me drop it on the magnets. That's the end of the magnets. Instead of using hydraulic, they used magnets. And nobody needed magnets until they convinced everybody 20 years ago, let's all do magnets.

But it should have never gotten that way, because we should have been doing the, they call it, magnets.

Well, I guess this is what happens when your parents don't want to put any of your pictures on the fridge.

Oh.

Oh, honey. Oh, honey. We'd love to, but all the magnets got wet. No? That's how they work.

That's how they work.

Anyway, it was your classic Trump speech. Weird, nensical ranting, a weird nonsensical survey. But there was one moment I didn't quite expect.

I never forget that our ultimate strength does not come from equipment, it comes from you people. Incredible people, good looking people, too many good looking people. I don't like good looking people. I never liked good looking people, I'll be honest with you. I've never admitted that before.

What? You don't like good-looking people? That's the last category of people we thought you liked. We already know that you don't like fat people, ugly people, women people, Democrat people, prosecutors. Why not good-looking people? Because, you know, they're attractive, and you're attracted to them, so the two of you are drawn together like a pair of magnet, oh.

Oh.

Okay, now it all makes sense.

I see.

For more on Trump's visit to Japan, we go to Tokyo with our very own Troy Iwata.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Tokyo with our very own Troy Iwata. Troy, what's the latest?

It's wild, Desi. President Trump stomping all over the place, humiliating them and embarrassing their prime minister. This is the worst thing America has ever done to Japan.

I can think of worse things America has done to Japan.

Oh yeah? Name two.

Never mind. But look, it seems like the trip is going pretty well for Donald Trump at least.

Yeah, yeah. A little too well, if you ask me. Really not looking forward to our president becoming a Japan guy.

Sorry, what is a Japan guy? It happens all the time.

A white guy goes to Japan, has a great time, you know? And then he comes home obsessed with Japanese culture, talking about all the bullet trains, mounting a katana on his wall, pronouncing it karate, like, it's karate, karate!

Oh, oh my God, you're so right. Those guys are the worst of all the guys.

I know, I know.

And then, you know, they seem normal at first. And then you go over to their house and they answer the door in a kimono asking you to take your shoes off. You're like, okay, Brandon-san. Like, you live in a walk-up in Brooklyn.

My shoes are the cleanest thing here. And they love talking to me because I'm half Japanese. I'm from California, okay? And I don't watch anime, I'm an adult.

Yeah, I know what you mean, Troy, but isn't it just respectful to show some appreciation of Japanese culture?

No!

No, they take it too far with everything. Okay, when you order sushi, Alaska roll, California roll, Philadelphia roll, Those are named after places you know for a reason. Okay, those are your rolls.

Know your roll.

But, like, Japan guys are diving way too deep into the menu. Like, do you really want Donald Trump trying to say the word nigiri? It's too close. It's too close. It's not worth the risk. Not worth

the risk. Too risky. But look, maybe this will work itself out. Trump's on his way to South Korea. Maybe he'll get into their culture and just forget all about

Japan. Excuse me? Okay, Korean culture will never overpower Japanese culture. All right? Japan is dominant. It's basically the America of Asia. Okay, Korean culture will never overpower Japanese culture. All right? Japan is dominant. It's basically the America of Asia. Okay, they colonized everything, lovers of beef, some of the world's best and most creative porn. Okay? I'm getting big America vibes here in Tokyo.

Wait, Troy, you're in Japan right now talking about how influential the United States is. I hate to say it, but you're kind of being an American guy.

Oh my God, you're right. Last night I sang karaoke, I sang Sweet Home Alabama. And I went to a Wagyu place and I ordered a cheese steak. Go birds, what am I saying? Go birds, what am I saying?

Oh my God, don't worry Troy, we'll get you home.