Trump Puts "America First" With Iran War, Closed Strait of Hormuz & Recession Worry | The Daily Show

My personality is going to keep us out of wars. I am the candidate of peace. I am peace. I will stop the chaos in the Middle East.

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Breaking news.

The U.S. Central Command says three fighter jets were shot down by friendly fire from Kuwaiti forces. Sengham says all six crew members aboard the jets ejected were safely recovered and are

in stable condition.

Okay, now I know it's not great that our allies shot our planes down, but the good news is that they were probably using the missiles we sold them, so at least we know they were. By the way, can we come up with a new name for friendly fire? Shooting your friend's plane down seems like the least friendly thing you could do. Imagine you find your best friend banging your spouse and he's like, relax, just a little friendly penetration.

But you know what? The pilots are okay.

We'll just buy some new planes.

What do they cost?

We should note that the estimates of costs on these F-15 Strike Eagle jets range from anywhere from $30 million per unit

all the way up to $100 million.

Up to $100 million each? You may have lost $300 million in one friendly penetration incident. I mean, look, I live in New York, so I am used to seeing obscene amounts of money wasted on jets, but still, 300 million.

Whoa!

So, to Trump supporters, I'm sorry, but you have to admit he's gone back on his promise by starting a new war.

This isn't a war. We haven't declared war on Iran. I don't know if this is technically a war. This isn't a war. We haven't declared war on Iran.

I don't know if this is technically a war.

Strategic strikes are not war.

Nobody should classify this as war.

It is combat operations.

Sure, sure. It's a strategic combat operations. Guys, you can call it whatever you want. We all know it's a war. This reminds me of how my Aunt Trudy, she used to bring her so-called roommate to Thanksgiving every year.

We all knew they weren't roommates, they were soulmates and they were scissoring. The war with Iran is just like my two gay aunts. Shown here, exactly how they look. Look, call whatever you want. A war, a combat operation, international fight club. How long is this thing going to take?

This is not an endless war.

This is not endless.

The president doesn't believe in endless wars.

This is no forever war, as Trump critics keep complaining.

Yeah, OK, but that's not as comforting as you think it is. Don't worry, everyone. This war will last a number below infinity years. But OK, fine.

At least we know this war won't be fought forever.

Breaking overnight, President Trump touting that the US has a, quote, virtually unlimited supply of weapons. The president posting on Truth Social, in part, wars can be fought forever.

Great news, everyone. Now the war never has to end. I guess I'm happy for Trump that we have unlimited weapons, but it's worth considering what all these weapons cost and whether we could be better spending that money on something else here at home.

I mean, we lost hundreds of millions of dollars in a single friendly fire incident. And some estimates say that the entire war could cost over $200 billion. Yet here in America, people don't have health care. Our infrastructure is crumbling.

My local library is only open two days a week, which means for five days a week, I have to masturbate at home. It's shameful. If there was only some image that could symbolize the confidence I have in our country's

elected leaders right now.

Yep.

Yep, that's it.

We're now five days into our war with Iran,

and things are looking just a little bit dicey.

Yeah.

No one seems to have a clear plan for the war, or even a clear reason why we started it. And apparently, America's military is even at risk of running out of weapons, which is one problem I never thought America would have. I thought we had an unlimited stockpile of those,

like spin-offs of Yellowstone. Oh, by the way, tune in to Paramount Plus for the world premiere of Yellowstone in space.

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But despite all those problems, the good news is Donald Trump is in charge, and I'm sure he's diligently thought through all of the wartime scenarios.

What's the worst case scenario

that you have planned for in Iran?

Well, I don't know if there's a worst case. I guess the worst case would be we do this and then somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, right? That could happen.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, no shit! You're just thinking about this now? I do six months of research before I buy a new shampoo. Trump's like, I just realized starting a war in the Middle East could have some downsides, huh? So it's a little disturbing that he says it as casually

as when you realize you've never seen a bird's penis before. Do they even have them? But Trump's right. You don't want a new leader who is just as bad as the old one. So I'm sure the administration has a deep bench of candidates ready to step up, right?

Right?

Right?

President Trump said some Iranian officials his administration was hoping could take over have been killed in the war.

Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead. So, you know, we had some in mind from that group that is dead. And

now we have another group. They may be dead also.

Okay. Well, the good thing is there's a third group. Oh, what's that? They're dead also? And the fourth group's dead? And the fifth group's dead? They're all dead. I cannot believe this. You killed all the candidates? Even the ones who were willing to accept a lower salary because they appreciated the potential for long-term career growth?

As many of you know, war is God's way of teaching Americans geography. And class is in session. I give you the Strait of Hormuz. Of course, Gen Z will tell you no Hormuz is 100% straight. But it's a passageway choke point for 20% of the world's oil.

Kind of a lazy river for fossil fuels. Not to be confused with the strategic Iranian island of Kharg, which we also attacked. We attacked Kharg and Khormuz. Because if we've learned anything from these past 20 years, it's that America

will bomb anywhere that has a Scrabble score above 12. Oh, oh, we'll get to you Uzbekistan. And you guys, you're not going to believe what Iran did after we attacked them. Breaking news. The Supreme Leader said that the Strait of Hormuz, which is a critical shipping lane

for nearly 20% of the world's crude oil, will remain closed.

What? What a dick.

Was it scheduled maintenance? Oh, oh, wait. Is this because of the incessant bombing? Oh, we're going to play the one card we have to stop you from collapsing all of our infrastructure. Real mature. Well, you know what? Close it. See if we care.

Gas prices up, diesel prices up, jet fuel prices up. And in some quarters, you're beginning to hear whispers of concerns over the R-word. Recession.

Come on, open it back up.

Come on!

How dare Iran and their existential fight for existence inconvenience our commute. And by the way, the R-word, oh, this whole thing is the R word, all right. That's not the R word I would use for the decision to attack Iran. But Iran has now closed the Strait of Hormuz, leading to surging gas prices and risking the global economy. Of course, there was no way to know that that was going to happen.

General Dan Cain, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, warned President Trump that Iran could close the Strait of Hormuz. President Trump acknowledged the risk, but told his team that Tehran would likely capitulate before closing the strait.

Oh, what the?

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh about it, everybody. Gee, who would have thought that a guy who did this during a solar eclipse would ignore a warning? By the way, my favorite part of that goes, he looks up at a solar eclipse three times. Uh, that hurts.

Yep.

But not to worry, this sudden bottleneck of the world's oil supply, it's not a big deal. It's barely closed.

The only thing prohibiting transit in the Straits right now is Iran shooting at shipping.

It is open for transit should Iran not do that.

Other than Epstein, it's a wonderful island. It's open except for the shooting. Come on, man. Jeez. So right now, the ships cannot make the passage because they're being attacked. And the risk is too great. There were some minds that have been laid. It's going to take a lot of foresight and planning to thread this needle, come up with a strategic plan. Luckily, I think the president has one.

I also asked the president about the rise in oil prices, $100 a barrel.

And he said this, these ships got to go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts.

Show some guts, Captain Svillop. I know you may not want to sail the slowest moving vehicle on Earth, packed with the most flammable liquid on Earth, through the most active war zone on Earth, but on the other hand, what are we doing?

I'm just glad the president has his mind 100% completely focused on this daunting situation

with Iran. I do believe I'll be the honor of having the honor of taking Cuba.

No! No! No new wars until you finish the war we just got you! This is not the time to be taking Cuba. By the way, what do you mean by taking Cuba? Taking Cuba. Taking Cuba in some form, yeah. Taking Cuba. By the way, what do you mean by taking Cuba? Taking Cuba.

Taking Cuba in some form, yeah. Taking Cuba. I mean, whether I free it, take it, I think I can do anything I want with it. You want to know the truth?

You can do anything you want with it? I don't know what's worse, that he's talking like a super villain or that he sounds so bored about it. You should be cackling with lightning in the background when you say shit like that. Why are you sounding like Lexapro Luther over here? World is mine, Superman, I guess. Whatever.

While Trump seems unengaged, some people in his administration are getting worked up.

Breaking news. The head of the National Counterterrorism Center, Joe Kent, announced just hours ago that he is resigning immediately over the war in Iran.

Whoa! I mean, that would be even more damning if this guy wasn't an unqualified crackpot, but it still has to shake up a president when one of your appointees resigns over your war.

I read his statement. I always thought he was a nice guy, but I always thought he was weak on security. Very weak on security.

You appointed him! You know what? I guess that tracks. Everyone knows the qualifications for running the National Counterterrorism Center. Go nice guy, brings muffins to the morning meeting, and then all the way down the list, good on security.

How's the war going?

President Trump in the Oval Office yesterday said he's already won the war.

Well, I think we're going to end it. I can't tell you for sure. You know, I don't like to say this. We've won this. This war has been won.

You don't like to say you won a war? Isn't that why you fight a war? Be proud of yourself, Mr. President. You ended another war, and this is the one that you started. That's like double points, you know? But you heard the man.

We won this war. I bet Iran's begging for a ceasefire right now.

Breaking news, Iran's state-backed media now says Tehran will not accept a ceasefire.

Iranian officials' quote is that Iran will end the war when it decides to do so, when its own conditions are met.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't end the war, we ended the war, all right? You trying to start another war? Because I'll fight you, and then I'll stop fighting you when I feel like it, because the war is over. You heard the president. We won.

We're bringing the troops home.

More than 1,000 additional troops from the 82nd Airborne Division are heading to the Middle East. They'll be joining thousands more Marines, sailors, and other American troops already on their way.

Oh, shit. We're sending more troops? That doesn't sound like the war is over. This is very confusing. Should I or shouldn't I go to Times Square in my sailor outfit to kiss random women?

Mr. President, I thought we won. We've won. Let me tell you, we've won.

Of course we won. Those troops are obviously going there to help set up for the victory party, you know? You ever try to set up a bouncy castle with just a thousand troops? Now that's an impossible mission, like Tom Cruise and Jerry Maguire. And besides, one thousand troops isn't even that many. It's actually the lowest thousands of troops you can have.

If this war was really ramping up, the Army would need a lot more people than that, you know? They'd probably be trying to get new recruits.

The US Army making some changes to try and draw more recruits. The army just increased the maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up from 35.

Oh, shit. We're letting 42-year-olds sign up for the military now? They're gonna have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation Why Does My Back Hurt? I must've slept on it funny. Because the likelihood of a 42-year-old being great at war

is like any person being great with nunchucks. Some people will be good, but most are gonna hurt themselves immediately. Bruce Lee, incredible. My uncle, concussion.

Are we sure we won?

It's not even a little close.

It's not a close battle. They're totally defeated.

I don't know what it is about you saying it a third time, but I believe you, all right? We gotta be winning this war. You wouldn't lie nonstop. You wouldn't lie nonstop. You're the president.