Trump Stumped by Worst-Case Iran Scenario & Hegseth Gives Bullying Pep Talk | The Daily Show

We're now five days into our war with Iran, and things are looking just a little bit dicey. No one seems to have a clear plan for the war or even a clear reason why we started it. And apparently, America's military is even at risk of running out of weapons,

which is one problem I never thought America would have. I thought we had an unlimited stockpile of those, like spin-offs of Yellowstone. Oh, by the way, tune in to Paramount Plus for the world premiere of Yellowstone in Space. But despite all those problems,

the good news is Donald Trump is in charge, and I'm sure he's diligently thought through all of the wartime scenarios.

What's the worst case scenario that you have planned for in Iran?

Well, I don't know if there's a worst case. I guess the worst case would be we do this and then somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, right? That could happen.

Yeah!

Yeah, no shit!

You're just thinking about this now? I do six months of research before I buy a new shampoo. Trump's like, I just realized starting a war in the Middle East could have some downsides, huh? Also, it's a little disturbing that he says it as casually as when you realize you've never seen a bird's penis before.

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Do the... Do they even have them? But Trump's right. You don't want a new leader who is just as bad as the old one. So I'm sure the administration has a deep bench of candidates

ready to step up, right?

Right? Right? Whoo!

President Trump said some Iranian officials his administration was hoping could take over have been killed in the war.

Well, most of the people we had in mind are dead. So, you know, we had some in mind from that group that is, uh, is dead. And now we have another group. They may be dead also.

Okay, okay.

Well, the good thing is there's a third group. Oh, what's that? They're dead also? And the fourth group's dead? And the fifth group's dead? They're all dead.

I cannot believe this. You killed all the candidates. Even the ones who were willing to accept a lower salary because they appreciated the potential for long-term career growth? Now, if I was Iran, I'd do what my middle school did

when my English teacher had a baby and just let a gym teacher be the Ayatollah for a little while, but... apparently, they have another plan.

So who is running Iran? The late Ayatollah's son has reportedly emerged as a leading candidate.

Boring. Come on, dude, you're not supposed to follow in your dad's footsteps. Where's your rebellious spirit? I don't want to be the supreme leader, Dad. I just want to dance. The job has a lot of long-term career growth, so I don't see a good reason why he wouldn't take it.

Israel's defense minister this morning said anyone Iran appoints will be an unequivocal target for elimination.

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Damn. An unequivocal target for elimination. What a fancy way to say, we're gonna kill you. The ayatollah's son is probably like, you know what, now that I think about it,

I'm not really a management type. I'm kind of more of a creative guy. Now my asshole stepbrother though, he's Ayatollah material for sure. You know what, the plan for succession is not going well. How about the war itself?

And I don't need to hear from Donald Trump this time. Surely there must be a more sober voice in this administration.

America is winning decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy. Iran cannot outlast us. We control their fate. They are toast, and they know it. This was never meant to be a fair fight,

and it is not a fair fight. And it is not a fair fight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Come on, dude. Not a fair fight? That's not usually something you hear the good guys say, which, remember, that's us, right? Let's try again, and this time, avoid sounding so much like a bully.

We are punching them while they're down, which is exactly how it should be.

Dude, what the... dude?

Why does the secretary of defense sound like a cheesy movie villain?

America is winning, decisively, devastatingly, and without mercy.

Mercy is for the weak. An enemy deserves no mercy.

We control their fate.

We will decide your fate.

We are punching them while they're down.

Always kick them when they're down.

And President Trump got the last laugh.

Looks like it's on. Who will have the last laugh?

Definitely.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Fun fact, that evil Muffet also got a start as a weekend Fox & Friends host. So. That evil Muffet also got his start as a weekend Fox & Friends host, so... But I guess Secretary Pete's bravado clears one thing up. This is very much a war, which puts him at odds with what Senators like Mark Wayne Mullen have been saying.

This isn't a war. We haven't declared war. We are not at war with Iran. This isn't a war. This isn't a war with Iran.

Yeah. Not a war with Iran. This isn't a war. This isn't a war with Iran. Yeah. Not a war? I thought it was obviously a war since, you know, you've been speaking next to a map of all the places we're bombing in the war. Also, all the, you know, b-b-b-b in the sh-pooh in the whoo-pooh in the... Okay? And I'm not the only one who's confused by this, because it seems like Mark Wayne is also getting confused.

This is war, and we're taking out the threat. And if you're part of the threat, then you have a — you're a target.

You can see this is war?

We haven't declared war. They declared war on us, but we haven't —

Why is he calling it war, Secretary of Defense?

We haven't declared — This is war. They called it war. What I'm saying is... Okay, well, that was a misspoke.

Yeah.

Did he say that was a misspoke? Hard to believe the guy who said he did a misspoke did a misspoke. Now, I know it seems like Mark Wayne's contradicting himself, but what you got to understand is that Mark thinks this is a war, but Wayne thinks it's not.

It's just a constant battle. Yeah. How good is that?

Mark, Wayne. So, yes, mark this down as a war, but Wayne this down as not a war.

Anyway, thank you.

Anyway, thank you. Anyway with the Republicans tripping all over their words trying to sell this unpopular war adjacent conflict, it's the perfect opportunity for Democrats to come out with a clear anti-war message. Oh, and here comes the truth hammer.

Look, no one wants a nuclear war. No one wants a nuclear Israel, but we certainly don't want an endless war, plain and simple.

What did I say?

Nuclear Israel.

Oh, no, got it. Let me say that again.

All right, wow. If you're confused, just know that his full name is Chuck Wayne Schumer. So for more on what comes next for Iran and its leadership succession, let's go live to Grace Kuhlenschmidt.

Grace. Grace.

Grace.

Grace, what is the latest?

Michael, I'm here at the Pentagon, and it is chaos. We're down to six bullets, and Pete Hegseth makes us do shots after every single missile strike. I am wasted right now.

Okay, fine.

I'm sorry that you're trash-graced, but what about the next steps? Have the Trump administration figured out who can be the next leader of Iran?

No. It's a huge problem. We need to find a leader now, or going to war with no plan whatsoever is gonna seem like a bad idea. The problem is the leader needs to be someone Donald Trump respects, and the only person Donald Trump respects is...

Hold on.

Yeah. Uh, Grace?

I said, hold on! I'm thinking... Heh-heh.

I'm thinking... I've thought, maybe this is a stupid idea, but what if the next leader of Iran is Donald Trump?

You're right, that's very stupid.

I know, I know, it's dumb, but maybe...

Why would Donald Trump want to be the supreme leader of Iran? I don't know, maybe he'll like the title, it's kind but maybe... Why would Donald Trump want to be the Supreme Leader of

Iraq? I don't know maybe he'll like the title it's kind of an upgrade actually this idea isn't that bad it's like president? Ew, we let anyone be president we let Donald Trump be president but Supreme Leader? Only like two guys have ever been Supreme Leader?

Only like two guys have ever been Supreme Leader. That's special.

That's like getting to be a Sheldon on TV. We've only had Sheldon and Young Sheldon. But this, this is Iranian Sheldon. You know, this actually isn't a bad idea.

It's a terrible idea.

Donald Trump doesn't even know how the Iranian government works. Yeah, he doesn't know how the American government works. He can imprison all the journalists he wants, and the flowy robes will hide the skin condition that's slowly eating away his plaque. Maybe, maybe this is the dozen shots of queer vote talking, but I think I'm the smartest girl alive.

Grace, Grace, Grace.

Sorry, Grace, but you're not.

Even if Trump wanted to do all this, he would have to convert to Islam.

Oh no, he would have to convert to Islam. Oh, no! He would have to abandon the Christian beliefs he's been so faithfully adhering to his entire life?

Shut up, Michael!

This is the best idea in the history of Earth! It works out for everybody. Democrats get rid of him, Republicans get him out of the way for 2028, and Lee Greenwood gets a second song to sing. -♪ And I'm proud to be an Iranian! ♪

That-that... Grace, that's...

that sounds like the same song.

That sounds like the same song. I don't see you pitching anything. What's your genius idea?

Okay, um... I don't know, maybe Iran has some sort of interim caretaker government that can maintain order with international help until free and fair elections can be held.

That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. And why would Lee Greenwood even go to Iran? That doesn't make any sense at all. That doesn't make any sense at all.

Great school, and schmidt, everybody.