Trump’s Insane Posting Spree, Lies About War & MAGA Pins Giuliani's Health Issues on Jimmy Kimmel

We are transmitting this signal from our home planet in a galaxy not so far away, Hollywood, where on what is...Presumably the most profitable day of the year for the hardworking Chewbacca's and various Star Wars characters, or Boba's Fett, who are out there taking photographs, oh, and smashing things on May the 4th.And may the 4th be with you all.By the way, when I say may the 4th be with you, you're supposed to say, and also with you, right?I'm Catholic.

That's how it goes.Star Wars turns 50 years old next year.You know, when I was a kid, our Yoda was old and had hair on his ears.Things are different.This, he smelled like Vicks VapoRub.We got a cute little Yoda now.

Looks a little bit like you.A little bit.A little bit, yeah.Jabba the President did not celebrate Star Wars today.He's barely focused on the real war he got us into.Trump took another trip to Florida this weekend.

He showed up at a PGA tour event held at his golf resort in Miami.This is what he loves to do, wave at other white people at country clubs he owns.That's what he was born for.The president was joined by real estate magnate slash war negotiator Steve Whitkoff and his son Eric Trump, who wasn't invited but tunneled his way in like the gopher from Caddyshack.After the tournament, Trump met with the winner, Cameron Young, to congratulate him on his victory and take possession of his trophy.And when he wasn't romping around the golf course, the president was hard at work on social media this weekend.

Just to give you a little peek inside his very strong brain, let's examine one night in Donald Trump's truth social feed.Actually, not even one night.Let's look at one hour.These are all real posts from our president in the 11 o 'clock hour on Friday night.At 11 .03, he put up this image of him and members of his cabinet taking a dip in the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.I don't know who the woman in the bikini is or how the AI was able to shave 80 pounds off his gut, but.

Everyone looks great.A minute later, at 11 .04, he posted this even more unbelievable picture of Melania smiling, which is, I don't know, the last time we saw that.11 .13, he posted a thinly veiled but definitely racist note about House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, followed two minutes later with a warning to Iran that said, I have all the cards, and only a bunch of Uno cards, which is a game you win by having no cards.Should we do more?So what happens when you don't play with your children?11 -22, he posted his big gold pumpkin head.

11 -26.Him photoshopped into Mount Rushmore, 1132.We've got him and Melanie with their hair blowing, no explanation.1137 with King Charles, no caption or explanation.Then over the next eight minutes, he made not one but three posts about renovating the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.And that's one hour on a Friday night, the president of the United States.

According to the Daily Beast, based on his social media activity, there were only five nights last month when the president could have possibly gotten a full night's sleep.Every month, he posted an average of 18 times a day.If you had a relative who was posting 18 times a day, you'd be worried about him, right?You'd be like, what's going on with cousin Matthew?Is he OK?Now, in fairness, Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings.

So he is getting some sleep.And he might even be scouting for a place to live after his reign of terror ends.Trump paid a visit to the village's retirement community near Orlando on Friday, accompanied by two of his top TV doctors, Phil and Oz.

We have a man here who knows more about Medicaid, Medicare, medical crap than any human being.Where's Dr. Oz?Where the hell are you?Stand up.He's great.It's the most boring trip I've ever made.

He's telling me about Medicare, Medicaid.Like, I give a metashit about any of those things.

The term of the word care or aid, out.You know, there are a lot of people suggesting that the president's cognitive abilities are beginning to dim.So Trump now, at every chance he gets, brings up that dumb cookie -cutter dementia test that he claims he aced.

I got every one right.And these are tough questions.These are tough questions, you know.They say, take a number, any number.OK, I'll take 99.Multiply times 9, OK?

Divide it by 3.Good.Add 4 ,293.That's good.Divide by 2.Subtract 93.

Divide by 9.What is your answer?Now, they go a little slower than that, but not much.I don't want to waste a lot of time.But there aren't a lot of people that get it right.I got it right, you know?

All right, well, what's the answer then?We're dying to know.By the way, I have taken this test that he took.It doesn't ask any questions anywhere remotely like that.The hardest math question is subtract the number 7 from the number 60, and then subtract 7 from 53, and so on.There are no story problems, but don't let that get in his way.

The man is on a roll.

The first question is, you have a lion, a bear, an alligator, and a bear.good, a squirrel.Which is the squirrel?One doctor said, it's the first time I've ever seen anyone get all questions right.That's a doctor who does this stuff for a living.

That's right.And you can tell he was a doctor because he was dressed like Jesus.Once in a while, I took this test with a doctor.I answered all 30 questions correct.They're easy questions, but, and I'm a moron, according to him.

I think anybody running for president or vice president should be forced to take a cognitive examination.

I mean, you get a guy, he gets in, he's got a good line of crap, he gets in, and all of a sudden, you're stuck with a man who's a moron.

I've heard of it happening twice, you know?I think it's his self -awareness that I admire most.And then it was time for impressions.Rich Little Hands treated the crowd to one of his favorite bits, the now classic lady weightlifter routine.

The father's saying there's no way she's beating that guy.So she gets up, and she puts, and she's ready.Now she's just got to do that front.She's almost home.1 8th of a pound more on each.1 8th, just a tiny little bit.

Come on, darling.The mother's screaming like crazy.Darling, I love you, darling.Oh, Mom, I can't do it.

Whoa.Can we just get him a theater in Branson and be done with this already?

He likes to put on a show.

His slogan could be, let's go Branson.My favorite part of when he does this bit is when he follows up explaining how much the First Lady doesn't like it.

She hates it when I do the thing on weightlifting.She says it's so unpresidential.And she hates when I do it.too, at the end, too.She hates when I dance to what's sometimes referred to as the gay national anthem.You know, she hates it.

Well, honey, I hates when you do things.No way.I can't believe it.What a buzzkill.Why would she hate that?It's so much fun.

He's just trying to have fun.We're on week 10 now of what Trump has been referring to as his mini war.on Iran.Week 10 is significant because under the War Powers Resolution, the president is supposed to get approval from Congress for any military action that goes longer than 60 days.And we are now above 60 days, but he has no intention whatsoever of getting permission.

Because it's never been sought before.There's been numerous, many, many times, and nobody's ever gotten it before.They consider it totally unconstitutional.But we're always in touch with Congress.But nobody's ever sought it before.Nobody's ever asked for it before.

It's never been used before.Why should we be different?

And by never he means 11 times Congress has approved war.11 times.It must be so freeing to be able to lie with no fact -checking whatsoever.Just say whatever you want.He's like Fat GPT.

He just churns out the information.

Gas prices are now the highest they've been since the start of the war, at least according to the totally biased fake news at Fox Business.The longer this goes, the worse Trump looks.He desperately needs a way to declare victory and get out of this fast.He posted this morning, it would seem that Iran either lost the war or the final round of family feud.I'm not sure.Well, Mila, yesterday we got news that Trump's former lawyer and the former mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani, was hospitalized and is in critical condition.

He is said to be recovering from a bout with pneumonia.When I read this article,I really thought, I said, I wonder if they'll try to blame this on me.And then sure enough, one of these podcast bozos points to a joke I made about Rudy on Thursday about him being a vampire.And then suggests I might actually have some inside knowledge of what's going on in Trump town there.

And then that becomes a thing and results in this Newsmax panel forum to somehow pin this on me. I do want to play a clip, though, from Jimmy Kimmel, who joked about Giuliani rising from the grave just days before the former New York City mayor was rushed to the hospital.Is this supposed to be comedy?Well, it's not.I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it's not funny.He's not funny.

Can I just say that?He's just really not funny.It's abhorrent what he's doing under the gauze of comedy.Right.

In fact, I'm under the gauze of comedy right now.It gives me psychic abilities.This is how I work.Every day in the morning, I wake up, I make coffee, and then I look into the future to see which events have yet to occur.And then we write jokes, but we write jokes that we know are going to make trouble.For the record, I hope Rudy Giuliani lives another 100 years.

He earned that outside the dildo shop.That was the funniest thing any person has done this century.All right, you guys can take that back to the medic now.Thank you very much.Now, as for the rest of us, we have some exciting news from the world of health.Syphilis is back, according to the CDC.

Cases of syphilis have skyrocketed by 700%.All the great diseases are making a comeback.Syphilis, measles, Kanye, you name it.Some states have it worse than others.State of New York has seen five times the number of cases they had in 2013.And if you look at a map of the large retirement communities in Arizona and Florida, you see old people are getting it on in droves.

They are.It's times like these when I am thankful that the man in charge of our health and human services is doing experiments on the dingers of dead rodents he finds on the side of the road.Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had an incident at Dulles Airport yesterday.He captured a bird with his bare hands just in time for a keto -friendly mid -flight snack.That poor bird had a better experience than the people who booked a flight on Spirit this weekend.On Saturday at 2 AM, Spirit put out a statement announcing their demise, writing, to our guests, all flights have been canceled, and customer service is no longer available.

As if it ever was to begin with.And why they did this?At 2 in the morning, with no advance notice, I have no idea, but at least Spirit died doing what they loved, which is being the worst airline in the history of the world.And I have to say, this announcement is a particularly bitter pill for those of us who host late night talks.Spirit being terrible, it was something every person got immediately, and that's hard to replace.We are taking applications.

I've got my eye on you, Allegiant, but either way, After two bankruptcies, I guess that is it.Spirit Airlines is officially shut down.And we never.Wait, wait.What?

Did you just say Spirit Airlines shut down?Yeah, I did.Yeah.That's impossible.We're Spirit pilots.We're scheduled to fly out of LAX in 20 minutes.

Well, your airline went out of business three days ago.And if you're supposed to take off in 20 minutes, why aren't you on the plane?Why aren't you on the plane?

Because it's a spirit plane, dumbass.

I hate to say it, but I think you're both out of work.

Well, this sucks.I know.Where are we going to find another job where we can make $19 an hour?Yeah.Or one that gives us cute little bottles of whiskey when we fly.Hey, they let you drink while you fly?

They make you drink while you fly?Would you fly spirits sober?I don't think so.This place is a lot nicer than our planes.

They're actually right through that door.Wow.Fancy.This is nice.

Yes.And good luck, guys.

I really hope you find jobs soon, you know?

You know what?We're going to be OK.Good.We're going to be OK.Yeah, because when one spirit ends, another begins.

You have another job.You work at Spirit Halloween.

Yep.We'll save you a baby Yoda costume.Yeah.

See you in October, bitch.We have a fun show tonight.Nicole Byer is here tonight, and we'll be right back with Jelly Rolls.This is The Crowd.