Trump's Iran War Plan Was Dumber Than You Thought & U.S. Indicts 94-Year-Old Castro | The Daily Show

There were six important congressional primaries yesterday, so you know what that means.If you live in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon, or Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote.Once again, the big story is Donald Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal Republicans like Godzilla with slightly thicker ankles.

Another round of retaliation for President Trump.He has helped unseat one of his most prominent Republican critics on the Hill, Congressman Thomas Massie, who spearheaded the law forcing the release of the Epstein files.

Yeah, that'll teach you to try to expose pedophiles.What is going on here?Releasing the Epstein files didn't put anyone in prison.The guy who got the Epstein files released got voted out.And meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie made $300 million.Is America pro -pedophile now?

Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early.The tides will turn.Let's move on from Trump meddling in primaries to him meddling all over the world, starting with his war in Iran.And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't have a plan for the war.But guess what, libtards and military generals?Turns out he did have a plan.

It was just very stupid.

New reporting reveals an early objective of the war with Iran involved a regime change strategy.that would reinstate former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the country's leader.

Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program and more.

So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to install a leader who wanted to getnuclear weapons?I love it.No notes.And if you hate this plan, don't worry.

That wasn't the part that didn't work.Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been designed to free him from house arrest.

So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to blow up his house.Nobody suggested, uh, I don't know, calling a locksmith, uh, maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.What was the thinking here?You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house.So, obviously, that plan didn't work.Uh, in fact, everything in the war with Iran has been a lot harder than we thought.

But this is America, and what do we do when things get hard?Say it with me.We lose interest and move on to other things.Example, Greenland.It was Trump's original takeover target, and now he's got a new strategy for doing it.Seduce them with kindness.

Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in Greenland this week, his first trip as President Trump's new special envoy to the Danish territory.

Do you have a message from President Trump with you?

Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is really getting out of control.American middle -aged men are such losers that we have to need to take over Greenland just to make friends?Yes, Greenland has just been visited by America's special envoy, which, for some reason, is the governor of Louisiana.And it shouldn't be hard to make friends, because any country who has the little circles over the letters is always friendly, right?Denmark, Sweden, that country in Frozen.So...

I'm sure it went fine.This Greenland kid is like, oh, sorry, you said you're the governor of which state?Nah, I'm good, I'm good.Is Kathy Hochul around or someone else?Like, come on, kid, you're not impressed by Jeff Landry?This man is the governor of America's second most illiterate state.

Does that mean anything to you?But sure, I get it.I mean, phones nowadays can only hold, like, what, 60 ,000 photos?You got to make them count.I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in front of our future colony.Step up your game, okay?

Turn on that Southern charm.

Greenland news outlets reported that Landry was seen handing out chocolate cookies.

You come to the governor's mansion, all the chocolate chip cookies you can eat.

Great idea for winning over the people of Greenland.Talk to them like the neighborhood pedophile.I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too soon.All right?Everything would have been OK.So Greenland isn't working out either.

But don't worry.There are lots of countries we can still pick a fight with.

Breaking news.The Department of Justice filing criminal chargesagainst former Cuban president Raul Castro.

The 94 -year -old Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro.Holy shit.We're gonna send a 94 -year -old man to jail?Like, what's the point?Everywhere that guy sits is death row.I mean...

I mean, look at this guy.He's so old, he needs help walking from another old guy.Where are you gonna find a jury of his peers?With a Ouija board?I mean, on the plus side, I guess you don't need to handcuff him.You can just tie his hands together with his long droopy balls.

At least this shows that no one is above the law, even if your pants are above your nipples.It's funny, right?It's a good thing none of us are ever getting old.

Anyway, uh...Let's -let's hear the charges.The 94 -year -old faces criminal charges in his alleged role in ordering two aircrafts to be shot down back when he was the defense minister in 1996.

The charges are from 1996?That was 30 years ago.He was only, what, 64 at the time?I mean, we all do crazy shit when we're young.For more on America's military efforts in Cuba, we go live to Havana with our very own Jordan Klepper.Jordan, the people love you.

Why is America going after a 94 -year -old leader?

Oh, oh, so now you like old people in charge, huh?No complaints about a gerontocracy.but Trump's the only one willing to do something about it.Taking out aging leaders with health conditions is what he does best.Raul Castro, Ayatollah Khomeini, Joe Biden, you know?Trump's as dangerous to the elderly as uneven floors.

So what?We're gonna go kidnap Castro and bring him to court like we did with Nicolas Maduro?Is that really the best use of America's military?

Uh, yes.We're not exactly spreading democracy or winning wars.The only war our defense secretary has won is the one against dry January.But... but what the enormous combined forces of the American military can do is beat up an old man. I'm talking targeted methodical elder abuse.So, here our message.If your dictator is on a mostly soup diet and says things like, in my day, computers used to take up a whole room, And American justice is on the way, and they're not even gonna see us coming.

And not just because of their nickel -sized cataracts.

Okay, but aren't we worried about the repercussions?I mean, these old leaders are gonna be furious.

I mean, what are they gonna do, huh?Threaten not to send us a birthday card with a whole $5 in it?And this a consult?No.You old tyrants better get your affairs in order, because America will be sending you to a slightly early grave.You hear that, autocrats?

No, really.Can you hear that?To threaten you!

Okay, do we need to spend tens of billions of dollars to take out people who are gonna be naturally replaced soon anyway?

Uh, yes, Ronnie.We will show no mercy.Wherever you are, we're going to find you, whether it's in a bingo hall, a model train convention, the penny slots in Atlantic City, an aquarovics class, a shuffleboard court, a lemon party, a rascal scooter store, one of those that takes you up the stairs, any room that has a TV playing Bonanza.Okay, okay, okay, okay.We get it.We get it.

That's just the beginning, Ronnie.Old autocrats everywhere will be living in fear that at any moment, naval SEALs will rappel down into their bedrooms, gently wake them up, Hand them their glasses, find their walker, retrieve their slippers, no, their other good slippers, then get their pillbox, tell them that grandkids are not really an option right now.I know you want them, but I'm just not in a good financial place right now.It's just a different world from the one you grew up in, God damn it.The point is, nobody over the age of 70 is safe from us, and I mean nobody.

Oh, okay.Vladimir Putin.No, he's safe.

All right.

Jordan Klepper, everybody.