Trump’s Mixed Messages About War in Iran, He Gets a Vigorous Stroking by Tech CEOs & His Gross Rash

I'm Jimmy on the hoax. Thanks for watching. Thank you for joining us here in our home in beautiful Hollywood, California. We have a lot of things to get to tonight. It seems like we have a lot of things to get to every night.

And that wasn't always the case. Just for fun, I went back. I looked at one of our monologues from 2011. Remember 2011, Jeremy? Yes, yes. It was a simpler time.

It was a simpler time. These were the topics on our show 15 years ago tonight. NBC announced that Christina Aguilera would be a judge on The Voice. Lindsay Lohan's dad was rumored to be joining the gang at celebrity rehab. A sophomore at BYU was kicked off the basketball team

for having sex with his girlfriend. And there was a new episode of Jersey Shore in which the situation hooks up with a girl who seems to have a strange odor. Now we got war pedophiles and measles. Oh, my.

We also have, you know, the weather's different than it used to. It seems to be a lot colder on the East Coast and a lot warmer in the West. We've had such beautiful weather here the last two weeks, I've almost been scared to mention. I feel like the rest of the country hates us enough already

but it has been in the high 70s, it's been sunny, and it has been as cold as Melania's heart everywhere else. This is from Rhode Island where even kids have had enough of snow.

Because I'm so sick of snow on this

f***- street.

That's what you call an old soul. There were primary elections in North Carolina, Arkansas, and Texas yesterday. Democrats are hoping to win their first Senate seat in the Lone Star State since 1988. James Tallarico won the primary there last night.

He beat out the author of Bleach Blonde, Bad Bill, Butch Body, Jasmine Crockett. Tallarico will now face the winner of a runoff between the incumbent Senator John Cornyn and his opponent, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, seen here dying before our eyes.

Ken Paxton, this guy has quite a list of accomplishments. As attorney general, he faced 20 different articles of impeachment. He was indicted for three felonies. He's been sued by the SEC. He's threatened with disbarment.

And his wife, a woman he started a church with, divorced him for cheating with a Senate aide. Oh, forget the Senate. With a resume like that, you could run for president of the United States. Of course, Pattxton is tied with Trump

because only the best people. Democrats flipped the state legislature seat in Arkansas yesterday. That makes more than two dozen seats in various state legislators they have flipped since Trump took office last year,

whereas the number of seats that have gone from blue to red now totals zero nationwide. I'm beginning to see why Trump dislikes these elections so much. The president got a vigorous stroking at the White House today.

He had a meeting of executives from Google, Microsoft, Amazon Meta, and OpenAI who gathered to grovel at his feet. If you're the CEO of a big tech company, your schedule seems to alternate between partying on a superyacht and Frenching the president's ass. There's no in between.

So he had the tech bros sign a pledge that says they will supply their own power for their AI data centers. Wouldn't it be great if they do it by building, like, 100 million windmills just to drive Trump nuts? And of course, my favorite part of any White House event

is when the president of the United States attempts to pronounce someone's name.

CEO of Oracle Play Moosequirk.

Moosequirk.

Not even close. The name you were looking for is McGorrick, which I'm not saying it's an easy name to read. Put the name up on the screen so we can all see what he saw. But how do you get mooth quirk out of that? He might have bone spurs of the brain now.

You know, we goof on the president a lot. But the fact of the matter is, he knows a great deal about tech, about computers. In fact, when it comes to computers, no one knows more than him.

There's no problem with computers all over the place and robots, lots of robots. You know, the reason you use computers is to make time so that it's like fast. We don't need computers in the sky.

Dell computer, go out and buy a Dell computer. They're great.

All the tech geniuses were there, they love their computers. We have the best computer guy there is, right? We have Elon. My son, I told you, Barron, he loves that computer. They're unbelievable at computers. He started making computers on his bed.

He said they make love to their computer. I said, I don't want to hear about that.

Everything's computer.

That's right, everything's computer. That's right. Everything's computer. Wait till he hears about phone. Everything's phone. So as the meeting's wrapping up, Trump tells the group, he says, I have to go back and look at the war. And he left. Everyone who works for him is saying, this is not a war. It's not a war.

He keeps calling it a war. We're now on day five of whatever this is. Pete Hegseth today said, we're just getting started in Iran. They're still trying to figure out who will be Iran's next top Ayatollah. The front runner is said to be the newly exploded Ayatollah's son, Mushtaba Khomeini. Imagine your dad being the Ayatollah.

I mean, talk about strict. The Ayatollah's son, this guy, is said to be even more of a hardliner than his dad, which is what a lot of people worry about. You know, you start bombing leaders, you wind up with one who might be even worse. It's a real, I hate to say I told you so,

is what I'm saying. But I mentioned last night that Team Trump has been throwing out a wide and conflicting array of reasons for why they decided to launch this attack. Was it to stop Iran from enriching uranium or long-range missiles because Israel

is going to do it anyway? Was it for regime change? Or maybe it's what Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leavitt, said it was, another hunch.

I think it was important with respect to the timeline. But I think the president, prior to that phone call, had a good feeling that the Iranian regime was going to strike United States assets and our personnel in the region.

He had a good feeling about it. What more do you need? I mean, why are good feelings for him bad for everyone else? You know, this is a tough one for the gang at Fox News and all the teeth sucklers in the right wing echo chamber, because they desperately want to praise the president

and cheer him on. But they also know that starting a foreign war is the opposite of what he promised their viewers. It's a tough needle to thread, and it put Pete Hegseth's former co-host, Will Cain, in a bit of a pickle last night when he interviewed retired General Jack Keane.

It's not 100% clear to me, General, and that's not to suggest that I don't support 100% what is happening, nor that I 100% offer my support. I just think I want to ask a couple of critical questions, and I hope you know how much respect I have for your service, and I think it goes without saying to anybody watching how much respect I have for the men making this decision.

You don't have to patronize me, just ask a question. Just when you thought it couldn't get more embarrassing to be on Fox News. Pull your pants down, soldier, I'm gonna pink up your ass. And then on the other side of the coin you have Greg Kelly over on Newsmax who seems to think that this war is about checking out chicks.

Well, that's what Iranian women used to look like before the Ayatollah Khomeini showed up. Could look like that again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Does he know he's on television? Someone really ought to tell him. Meanwhile, the chair of the House Oversight Committee, James Comer, this is the yokel in charge of the Epstein hearings. After hauling the Clintons in for questioning last week,

Comer said they're going to bring in some more big names, including Bill Gates. Not to ask him about Epstein. They want to know why one of the richest men in the world still gets his hair cut at Fantastic Sam's. One of the names that is not on his list is Donald J. Trump, even though his name appears in the Trump Epstein files hundreds of thousands of times.

And even though key documents related to accusations made against Trump by a young teenage girl have disappeared, Comer feels that Trump has been asked about this enough.

We're working with the president. He's turning over documents. Thus far, I'm very appreciative of the cooperation with the Trump administration. And President Trump's answered hundreds, if not thousands, of questions about Epstein.

Prior to our deposition, I don't think the Clintons had answered very many questions.

That's right.

James Comer and his team will leave only one stone unturned, and that is Donald Trump. I can't figure out how he keeps saying this with a straight face. Like, there's no difference between asking reporters questions from reporters and answering questions

under oath in Congress. They're going to interview everyone but Epstein's best friend. This is like if they arrested Siegfried and said nothing to Roy at all. The Oversight Committee did vote today

to subpoena Attorney General Pam Bondi, so I guess that's something. Meanwhile, over in the House Judiciary Committee, they heard testimony from our soon-to-be former Secretary of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem. Kristi Noem got quite a grilling from members of both sides over the last couple of days about the hundreds

of millions of dollars she spent for commercials she starred in, about hundreds of million dollars on private jets, about suspiciously appropriated funds. There was a lot. And she also repeatedly refused to apologize to the families of Alex Pretty and Renee Good,

the two Americans who were killed by ICE. She suggested they were domestic terrorists. I guess she felt no remorse about that, so she didn't apologize. And then things took a turn for the risqué when Noem was asked about a rumored affair

with her top advisor and former Trump campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski.

So Secretary Noem, at any time during your tenure as director of Department of Homeland Security, have you had sexual relations with Corey Lewandowski? Mr. Chairman, I am shocked that we're going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today. And ma'am, one thing that I would tell you is that he is a special government employee who works for the White House.

There are thousands of them in the federal government. And as an advisor, it is okay for you to be offended by the question. It is OK for you to be offended by the question.

You should be wanting to answer that question.

As garbage? Because it is not about your sex life. It is about your judgment.

How do you think this goes over when she goes home to her husband at work? How was work today, hon? Anything interesting happen? Here's Christie and her co-worker, Cory. There you go, just wearing jeans and having fun.

I'm rooting for those two. I really am. We got some Diddy news today. Sean Diddy Combs is now expected to get out of prison a couple of months earlier, as if the price of oil wasn't already high enough.

Apparently, the parole board doesn't have Netflix. And they have moved up his release date from June of 2028 to April 2028. And you know what that means? The Arbor Day freak off is back on, everybody. I was thinking about it.

Maybe Diddy could be the next Ayatollah. He does look good with the beard, right? The president, by the way, might want to think about growing a beard. Because I mentioned last night, Trump has a big red yuck on his neck. Just when you thought Melania couldn't find another reason not to sleep with him. Or maybe

she tried to strangle him in his sleep, I don't know, because the reporters have been asking about the White House claim. First they claimed it was a kite surfing accident and then, no, they've so far refused to give any detailed explanation of what it is. So we decided to investigate this ourselves. And joining us now to help hopefully

understand what is going on with Donald Trump's neck, please say hello to Donald Trump's badly bruised baby hand.

Hello, baby hand.

Hey. Hello, America.

Who's got questions for me?

Well, I do, baby. And I was hoping you could tell us what is going on with that rash or whatever is happening north of you on the president's neck.

That's not a rash. The neck is just a little irritated from all the medals it has been wearing.

Oh.

We've won so many awards.

Right. Right.

The FIFA Peace Prize.

Right.

Olympic gold.

Yes. So many awards. Right, right. The FIFA Peace Prize. Right. Olympic gold.

Yes.

A Lifetime Achievement Award from Arby's.

A Lifetime Achievement Award from Arby's? For what?

For eating 10,000 beef and cheddars.

All right, well, that is an honor. Is that a new bruise you have there on your back?

Yeah, that's right. I got it when I was killing the Ayatollah. I punched him so hard.

Pow, pow, chop, chop, chop.

Right in the turban. He was like, sir, sir, it's such an honor to be punched by such a strong and large hand. And then I stole all of his shish kebabs. Have you heard about these things?

Yes, yes.

It's an old fashioned word.

Kebabs. Marco, kebabs for everybody. Kebabs.

OK, well, I, yeah.

I love kebabs. They call me Kebab Marley.

I did not know that.

Many people do.

Hey, since you mentioned it, do you have a plan in mind or a hope for who will take power in Iran?

Oh, yeah, big time. Right now, we're leaning very strongly towards Aladdin. Mm-hmm. Aladdin? Big pants, gold lamp, and a monkey BFF. I call him Abu. He flew on a carpet, Jimmy.

Remember that?

I do remember that. Yeah, hey, speaking of BFFs, is there anything you could tell us about Jeffrey Epstein?

Jeffrey, my Jeffrey. I miss him. I miss flying on his private jet. Just me, Jeffrey, and Redacted. Oh, Redacted knew how to party. That I will tell you.

But can I ask you specifically about the allegations against you that have suddenly disappeared?

Go ahead, but for legal reasons, I have to respond with angry silence.

OK, well then, I will ask, what do you say to Americans who believe you should be testifying under oath?

I say, would you look at the time?

I have to pick the next country to go to war with.

Spin it, Marco.

Round and round it goes, wherever it stops.

Let's find out. We will be bombing Costa Rica. Tough luck, Costa Rica.

Adios to Costa Rica and Puerto Rico.

Oh, right.

Well, thank you for your time, baby hand.

Bad bunny, no bueno. Chichi Rodriguez, Chichi Paul.

Yes, yes, I've heard all of those things. All right, thank you so much. That's President Trump's badly bruised hand. We have a fun show tonight. We got a real live Oscar nominee here. Wagner Mora is with us.

We have music from Fireball Game. Si Smith is sitting in with the Cleetones. Si Smith is sitting in with the Cleetones. I'll be right back with Ike Barinholtz.